All language subtitles for Columbo - S07E01 - Try And Catch Me (1977)

Do you really think
I didn't know?

Three, two, one, bingo!

This is Peter Falk. Here are some scenes
from the next episode of Columbo.

Did he leave a note?

No, ma'am.
Nothing to write with.

But he took off his belt.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo and I'm
looking for a Miss Veronica Bryce.

Me!

Do you think Veronica did it,
Lieutenant?

But she could've got an idea

who did kill him.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

ABIGAIL ON TAPE: All right, Veronica,
this one's for the Ladies' Club.

Just a rough copy
to play with.

I come before you as the author
of 32 books on the same subject.

In other words, I have one of the
most limited minds in the world.

That's bad enough,
but to limit myself

to writing about murder
seems to...

Veronica dear,
you still here?

VERONICA: Just winding up.
I'll be right in.

Oh.

Galleys ready, Abigail?

This much, anyway.
Good.

I should have sent
you home hours ago.

Oh!

Something wrong?

Don't you hear it?

No.

I think it's a nightingale.

We haven't had any for years.

I don't hear anything.

I'll be sure
these get off in the morning.

Just one small thing.

Would you call
Edmund for me?

Ask him to
stop by tomorrow.

Phone your nephew.

Well, he's not my nephew.

He was merely
married to my niece.

That's an entirely
different thing, my dear.

Perhaps he would like to take
me for a walk on the beach.

2:30 would be nice.

Okay.

Wait a minute.
I do hear something.

What?

A nightingale.

What a clever girl you are.

Good night, Abby.

(DOOR CLOSING)

ABIGAIL ON TAPE: ... manage an escape
from my own particular pathology.

I have, heaven help me,
made attempts at humor,

romance, a children's novel,

and one perfectly
detestable essay on

the deterioration
of the British royal family

since the American Revolution.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

ABIGAIL: As for
the broad Pacific,

I find that rather
an effeminate body of water.

EDMUND: Nobody but you could
put down a whole ocean.

Oh.

Down on the Cape,

when I was a girl, I watched
the Atlantic day and night.

How it churned
and boiled and roared.

Did it roar the night
Phyllis was drowned?

Abby, please don't.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I loved my niece.
With all my heart.

With all the love that I
could ever give anyone.

You loved her, too,
didn't you, Edmund?

She was my wife.

And you loved her?

Yes, I loved her.

It must've been
terrible for you.

Alone in a sailboat,
coming up from the cabin

and Phyllis gone.

Disappeared in the darkness
and we never had even

the comfort
of finding the body,

of knowing
she was safely buried.

The Coast Guard tried.

And you tried.

I know what you did.

Everything you did.

(HORSES APPROACHING)

She was only five years old when I gave her the
rights to the play Birthday Present.

I would have
left her everything.

Now, there's no one but you.
We're all that's left of her.

So, when I die,

I intend to make you
my principal heir.

Abby, I can't.
Don't comment.

I detest being edited.

I'm not gonna stand here
and discuss your death.

Just accept the fact you'll
inherit a great deal of money.

Don't pretend
that doesn't please you.

There.

Life is short,
life is fleeting.

I'm glad you're
not going to protest

because, you see, Edmund,

I really have made up
my mind about you

and about me.

(STOPWATCH TICKING)

Annie, my bags are ready.

MARTIN: Anything in this
document to the contrary...

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

notwithstanding,
being of sound mind...

Oh, Miss Mitchell, your nephew
finished with his dinner.

Edmund? Did he eat well?
Oh, very well, ma'am.

Isn't that nice?

I always like to hear a young
man has a good appetite.

(TICKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Edmund, how nice you look.

Oh.

Dressed for the occasion.

I didn't realize
there was an occasion.

I want to sign my new will
in your presence.

Give you a lovely
sense of security.

Abby,
I want you to understand.

I hope you live forever.

I don't want anything
from you.

It's not a question
of what you want.

It's what I want.

And I do not
intend to live forever.

If I did, I wouldn't go
flying around in airplanes.

I wouldn't sleep a wink

if I don't settle all this
business before we take off.

Murder of the Year closes,
you know, tomorrow night.

I wanna be there
for the last performance.

After 19 years,
you've had a pretty good run.

Well, the rights belonged
to Phyllis, you know.

And to you now,
since the accident.

I understand they'll
be doing it in Warsaw.

Oh, Edmund, would you bring me my jewel case.
It's in the safe.

EDMUND: Certainly.

ABIGAIL: Large leather box,
rather flossy-looking.

You'll find it.

Martin is coming with me.

He speaks very sternly
to my publishers.

Abby, the light doesn't work.

Oh.

It hasn't worked for months.

I'll have to speak
to Veronica about it.

Now, this comes...

Well, that goes with me.

Oh, I'll need some cash.

Those metal boxes, third
one from the top.

There you are.

My God, Abby.

Somebody's God,
I suppose.

Back it goes.

Respectfully.

All right, Abby.

Edmund.

Nice to see you again, sir.

Thank you.

Could we gather here,
please?

Abby,
this is your new will.

Your signature is here.

Edmund, this is your will.

Mine?

I took the liberty
of asking Martin

to draw up your will, too.

You're my heir,
I'll be your heir.

If you should
predecease me,

a most unlikely event,

then the rights
to Murder of the Year

would come back to where they started.
Is that all right?

I should have
thought of that myself.

As you said, Abby, we have
nobody but each other now.

May I have a pen, please?

Aren't you going to read it?

Why?

Don't you think I trust her?

Now, Martin, would you ask
Veronica to witness these?

Abby, that plane is not
going to wait for us.

They might if I ask them.

It might at that.

(DOOR CLOSING)

There.
The deed is done.

Edmund,
there's just one more thing.

Only three people
know the combination.

My attorney,
Veronica and myself.

Now I want you to have it,
too.

Abby, I'd rather I didn't.

Well, Martin would also
rather you didn't.

But this is my safe.

We'll sneak around Martin
and do as I wish.

I want you

to drive away,

then come back
the service road.

Wait for me
by the side door

and I'll see Martin doesn't
disturb us for a few minutes.

Whatever you say, Abby.

Have a fine trip, Abby.
Mr. Hammond.

We will, dear.

Abby, we're cutting it
awfully close.

I'll just get my coat.

Martin, I have to
show you something.

Not now, Abby.
Now!

I'll say goodbye,
now, ma'am.

Goodbye, Annie.

Abigail, you are the most
exasperating woman I have ever met.

I accept all superlatives.

(CHUCKLES)

It's this switch.
It hisses.

And the lamps don't go on.

There could be a fire.

For Pete's sake, Abby.

Well, you're so clever
with these things.

I won't sleep a wink
if you don't fix it.

With what?
This.

(CHUCKLING)

Anything, Abby, anything to get
us out of here. Oh, I love you.

(INAUDIBLE)

(TICKING)

This is the alarm.

It has to be off,
as it is now.

Okay.

Now, the combination.

Write it down, dear.

You have to turn
it to the right

three times,

then start it
in this position,

on the 12.

Right.

No trick at all.

Now you must memorize it.

(GASPING)

We've forgotten the wills.

These have to go in the safe.

Where do they go?

Those metal boxes on the top.
Okay.

Edmund,

you murdered my Phyllis.

Do you really think
I didn't know?

Madam, your switch is fixed.

Of course, it is.

ABIGAIL: Thank you, Martin.

Don't dawdle, Martin.

Remember,
we do have a plane to catch.

MARTIN: The next time, Abby,
let's take the day flight.

ABIGAIL: Days are for work.
Nights are for play.

Stewardess,
may I have another Scotch?

VERONICA ON PHONE: I still
can't believe it, Abby.

I opened the safe this morning
and he was there.

Edmund's body.

You have to come back
right away, please, Abby.

ABIGAIL: Stewardess, may I
have another Scotch, please?

(POLICE DISPATCHER
CHATTERING ON RADIO)

Abby, are you all right?

Yes, absolutely. I'm so sorry I
had to call you like this, but...

I'm Abigail Mitchell.

I heard nothing at all
strange that night.

And I'm a very light sleeper.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Miss Mitchell?

I'm Sergeant Burke.

You know about
the body in there, ma'am?

(STUTTERING) Yes.

We'll have the safe
right open.

Six, five, four, three,
two, one, bingo!

Did you hear anything?
Nothing.

Soundproof.

Excuse me, ma'am.

You're Abigail Mitchell,
"the best in murder."

I just want to say, ma'am,

that it's a very great honor
to meet a famous author.

I just wish we were meeting
under happier circumstances.

Thank you, young man.
You're very kind.

My name is Lieutenant Columbo,
ma'am. Homicide.

Mr. Galvin, the deceased, I
understand he was your nephew.

No blood relation.
He was married to my niece.

Yes, your secretary told us

how your niece died

in a boating accident
four months ago.

They loved each other so.

It's inconceivable that

another accident
could take Edmund's life.

Excuse me, ma'am.

What accident was that?

My safe, his death.

Oh, I doubt that
was an accident, ma'am.

I doubt that very much.

Now, he did have the
combination to your safe.

I gave it to him last night.

And we found it
in his pocket.

But could you just take
a look over here, ma'am?

All done, Lieutenant.

Anything else?

Out back, Sergeant.

You know what
we're looking for.

Yes, sir.

This is your burglar alarm,
ma'am.

When your secretary came in
this morning to open the safe,

she found the alarm switch on,
like this.

Now, the question is,

how did your nephew
get into the safe

all by himself

when the alarm
was on the whole time?

I can't imagine. I...

I'm so confused.

Oh, I can't really imagine
you confused, Miss Mitchell.

Not someone who can
plan a murder like you.

I mean all your mysteries,
ma'am.

But me, I don't mind admitting
that I'm confused and I am

because

we didn't just find your
nephew's body in the safe.

Now, all this was spread out
on the floor of the safe

just the way you see it.

(STUTTERING) That's
one of my manuscripts.

The Night I Was Murdered.

Well, it was pulled apart,
ma'am.

Nothing missing.
All the pages are there.

But pulled apart.

You don't suppose Edmund was
reading it to pass the time?

Surely he must have
expected to be rescued.

Well, the light in the safe
doesn't work, ma'am.

And he only had six matches,

which he used up.

Poor soul.

Burning up his oxygen.

Did he leave a note?

No, ma'am.
Nothing to write with.

But he took off his belt.

His belt?

His belt, ma'am.

It has little flecks of black
something, like paint, on the buckle.

The medical examiner says
the same black stuff

is under your
nephew's fingernails.

Scratching at the door
of his death trap.

Oh, hideous.

Well, the thing is, ma'am,

the only black paint
around the door

is on the outside.

And then, Miss Mitchell,
there are these.

Two pieces of paper
with torn edges.

Nothing on them.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid
I can't absorb it all.

Baffling, isn't it?

I was hoping
you might be able to explain.

Do you mind
if we leave this room?

The whole thing
is so oppressive.

Certainly, ma'am.
I understand.

Oh, Abby, I put a tea
tray in the living room.

After that, you really
should get some rest.

I couldn't possibly, dear.

Besides, I have work to do
with Lieutenant Columbo.

"I have work to do
with Lieutenant Columbo."

I wish Mrs. Columbo
could hear that.

I'll tell you, she's one
of your biggest fans.

I mean, the day that
one of your books comes out,

she's the first one to put
her order in at the library.

Delighted, Lieutenant.

This certainly
is a charming room.

Very nice little things you
have standing around, ma'am.

Very nice.

Very nice.

You know, a woman
in your position, ma'am,

(PLAYING THIS OLD MAN)

I'm surprised you don't have
an attorney here with you.

I don't understand.

No. I mean,
an important person like you

and how you had your attorney
here last night

and he flew
to New York with you

and I would've thought that
he would come back with you.

I did not consider it
appropriate to return

to a corpse in my safe
in my home,

hand in hand with my lawyer.

The image lacks civility.

One lump, two?

Three, thank you, ma'am.

You know what
I'm dying to ask you?

All those books,

all those
brilliant schemes,

how do you think of them?

By putting myself
in your position.

Isn't that something?

That's just what
I said to Mrs. Columbo.

I said,
"When that woman writes,

"she don't think
like a murderer,"

"she thinks like a policeman."

(CHUCKLING)

Having composed myself,

I'm ready to think
like a policeman now.

I believe I can explain what
happened here last night

and why the switch
was on this morning.

Oh, I would appreciate that, ma'am.
That would be a big help.

Uh...

Can I sit in this?

Well, that's what
it was made for 400 years ago.

(CHAIR CREAKING)

I gave Edmund
the combination to my safe

after my decision to leave him
a great deal of money.

Are you aware of that?

Yes, ma'am. We found the wills
in one of those metal boxes.

He drove away just before
we left for the airport.

My attorney was here
at the time.

My maid, my secretary.

Later last night,

Edmund must have returned.

He knew I keep a great deal
of money in my safe.

You mean
he came back to steal?

Well, let's say to take an
advance against his inheritance.

It seems I misjudged Edmund.

But you see, Lieutenant,

I neglected to turn
the alarm back on

when I closed the safe
last night.

I called Annie
from the airport, my maid.

She came into the living
room to switch it on.

Edmund was already
in the safe, I believe.

He heard her coming,

he panicked,
he pulled the door shut

and the dial
must have jumped

and locked itself.

It does that sometimes.
You may check it out yourself.

I already did, ma'am.

Well, then you see,
it was an accident.

Well,
that certainly makes sense.

An accident.

That's probably what it was.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Excuse me.
Lieutenant, we found it.

Can I talk to you?

Yes, Sergeant.

(INAUDIBLE)

Excuse me, Miss Mitchell.

I can't tell you
what a big help you've been.

A big help
to Lieutenant Columbo.

I wish my publishers
could hear you say that.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(COLUMBO WHISTLING
THIS OLD MAN)

(WHISTLING FADES)

VERONICA: Abby.

Here, you'd better drink this.

It looks like an awful day.

Yes, doesn't it, dear?

Nephew's.

Wait a minute,
let me see that shoe.

That's a very nice shoe.

You like that shoe, Sergeant?

It's very nice, Lieutenant.

Well, it's practically new.

That's terrific. I'm looking for
a pair of shoes just like this.

You see,
I like them rounded toes.

It's French-style.
The French started that.

Oh, made in Italy.

Well, what's the difference?
I like them, you see.

Used to be very big
in this country.

How do, ma'am?

Well, if you fancy them,
Lieutenant,

as Edmund's legal heir,

I'm empowered to make you
a gift of his shoes.

Oh, that's very kind of you,
ma'am, but no thanks.

It's true I am in the market
for a pair of shoes

and I was caught
by the style,

but they're not my size.

They do fit the footprint,
though.

We're making
a plaster cast.

Yes, very impressive.

But we do know
that Edmund was here.

Remember? He was
found dead in my safe.

Well, the only question is, ma'am,
how did he get into the house?

Presumably with a key.

My niece knew
that I kept them here.

She must have told Edmund.

Here, wait a minute.

There.

(GASPING) Uh-oh, fingerprints.
Is it too late?

I would say so,
yes, ma'am.

Well, then if there's
nothing else...

Well, as a matter of fact,
there is, Miss Mitchell.

It's about your
nephew's car keys.

You and everyone else
saw him drive away.

We found the car back there
on the service road.

So he had to have car keys.

But there were no
car keys on the body.

So the question is,

what happened to his keys?

I can't imagine.
What do you think?

Oh, I'm not a writer, ma'am.

It's not what I think,
it's what I can prove.

And I can't prove a thing
about those car keys.

But I'm gonna work on it,
ma'am.

I'm gonna work on it
very hard.

Could I have one of these
flowers for Mrs. Columbo?

I insist, Lieutenant.

Wait till I tell her
it came from Abigail Mitchell.

Goodbye, ma'am.

Ma'am,
if there's nothing else,

I'll be turning in.

Yes, it's time
we all had some rest.

What are you doing, Annie?

That policeman, ma'am,
the one that's in charge.

He kept putting
his cigar butts in the sand.

I dumped it out
and made it nice and fresh.

Dumped it where?

In the trash, ma'am.

It was just before
the garbage truck come.

Oh, thank you, Annie.

Oh, ma'am, one more thing.

Yes? There were some
keys here in the sand.

Were there?

Yes. Miss Veronica
said they were hers.

She'd been looking for them.

And Miss Veronica
took her keys?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

How fortunate for her.

Good night, Annie.
Good night.

Oh, Abby.

Before I split,
I thought you might like

the draft of
the women's club speech.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Good night.

Oh, Veronica.
Yeah?

Is there anything else?

I can't think of anything.

Can you?

Not for now.

Tomorrow is another day,
isn't it?

It better be.

Good night, boss.

Good night.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(SCREECHING TO A HALT)

ABIGAIL: You may take this
as another confession.

I cannot write
any kind of fiction

that doesn't have a murder or a sleuth in it.
There you are.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

As Agatha Christie said
when someone asked her

why she didn't write
other kinds of novels,

"Madam, one does what
one can, not what one can't."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Very good, you know.

Putting the murderer
behind bars

is the business
of detective fiction

or committing him
or her to the executioner.

Why?

Why do so many readers
take joy in that?

Is it because we're punishing
something that we feel in ourselves?

Is there murder
in our civilized hearts?

Obviously, there is in mine.
And I'm well-paid.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING)

Well, now, well, now,

there are murderers
and then there are murders.

Once upon a time
the offended party

could issue
a challenge to a duel.

What a wonderful solution
to a problem!

By the time
the duel ended,

the problem
no longer existed.

Of course, dueling existed
only for our forefathers,

not our foremothers.

Chauvinism at its very worst.

However, however,

women were the cooks

and there was all sorts
of poison available.

(ALL CLAPPING)

(ABIGAIL CHUCKLING)

In our midst today,
ladies,

there is someone who
deals with murder.

In fact, for him,
it's a fact of life.

Real and frightening, a dark probability
from which he must defend us.

I wonder if we could

prevail upon Detective
Lieutenant Columbo

of the Police
Homicide Division

to say a few words to us?

Oh, come on.

She got you.

You're adorable.

Listen! Perhaps, perhaps,

Lieutenant Columbo
will speak to us

on his special field,

hyper-modern
chemical techniques

and their application
to advanced criminology.

There you go.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

I talk better
when this is lit.

I didn't expect
anything like this.

I came here just like you to enjoy
the famous Abigail Mitchell.

As for all that
chemical stuff,

I think Miss Mitchell
was putting you on

because I don't know
anything about that.

And about my work being
dark and frightening,

I'll tell you the truth,

I'm not sure about that,
either.

I like my job.
Oh, I like it a lot.

And I'm not depressed by it.

And I don't think
the world is full of criminals

and full of murderers.

Because it isn't.

It's full of nice people
just like you.

And if it wasn't for my job,

I wouldn't be getting
to meet you like this.

And I'll tell you
something else.

Even with some of
the murderers that I meet,

I even like them, too.

Sometimes.

Like them
and even respect them.

Not for what they did,
certainly not for that.

But for that part of them
which is intelligent

or funny or just nice.

Because there's niceness
in everyone,

a little bit, anyhow.

You can take a cop's word
for it.

Thank you, ladies.

(ALL CHATTERING)

ABIGAIL:
Oh, thank you, dear.

Thank you so much.
I'm so glad you liked it.

How nice of you to come.

Miss Mitchell, ma'am.
Yes.

I thought you made
a wonderful speech.

You're gonna forgive
my little prank?

I'm gonna tell you a secret,
ma'am.

I enjoyed myself.

(LAUGHING)

I'll tell you the reason that I
wanted to see you, Miss Mitchell.

I would like to take a look
at your nephew's apartment.

Whatever for?

Oh, if I knew that, ma'am, I
wouldn't have to look at it.

Now you're inheriting
the property and all,

so, I'd like you to be there, too.
I could run you over.

My car is right here.
It's French.

Very rare.

Oh, yes, I can see why.

Would you consider joining me?

I'm gonna make a request,
ma'am.

Would you allow me
to drive this car?

Okay.
Thank you very much.

Abby, are you all set?

Well, it was all set.

But you see, now I have a mission
with Lieutenant Columbo.

The travel agency called
about the stateroom.

You want me
to take care of it?

Oh, yes. Just tell them
"A" deck again. Right.

You know, I can remember the only
new car my father ever bought.

How proud he was.
The way it smelled.

Kind of like the inside
of a Pullman car.

It wasn't like this, though,
I'll tell you that. Mmm.

My father never owned a car.
Not until I bought him one.

I was 20.
I'd just sold my first book.

Shall we compare
poverty stories, Lieutenant?

Not in a Rolls-Royce, ma'am.

What a treat to watch a
consummate professional at work.

(MUMBLING) You may ignore me.
Proceed to detect.

Well, there won't be
much to watch, ma'am.

Oh.

What did you say that your
nephew did for a living?

Well, now, you see those quaint
objects up against the wall?

Those are called skis.

And this funny
whatchamacallit,

this over here, that is
called a tennis racket.

Now, this gizmo on the wall
is a sailboat's wheel.

You may deduce what
Edmund did with his time.

Any enemies, would you say?

Oh, I can't imagine
why there should be.

Are you still going
to hold to that theory

of malice and murder?

Until I find those keys,
ma'am.

Are they in the drawer?

You're putting me on again,
Miss Mitchell.

Would you kindly observe me
in this other room?

Back there at
the Ladies' Club, ma'am,

when you were
talking to Veronica,

she said something about a
stateroom and you said "A" deck.

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm sailing in three days.
The Far East.

Off with the old, on with the new.
Whatever that means.

I've decided to do
my new book on shipboard.

Oh, I wouldn't count on that,
ma'am.

We're gonna need
your presence here in town

until this thing is settled.

There's nothing to settle.

Bear with me, ma'am.

My plans were made
weeks ago.

I know you'll understand.

I do not understand.

You'll have to discuss
this with my attorney.

Well, I think we're
finished here, Miss Mitchell.

What, precisely, have you found
out from all this poking around?

I'm surprised, I really am.

Didn't you see it?

Evidently not.

Your niece and her husband, you
said they were very much in love.

Well, they couldn't have been.

In fact, they must've had
a very poor marriage.

You see, Miss Mitchell, there aren't
any pictures of Edmund's dead wife.

Not a single one.

And I'll be very glad to
talk to your attorney, ma'am.

Playing hooky again, huh?

That's the blessing of being
two years ahead with my books.

I can squander an afternoon.

I thought you should know that
Lieutenant Columbo's back again.

Is he?
Mmm-hmm. In the library.

Whatever does he
expect to find in there?

(BEE BUZZING)

These? Edmund's car keys.

I knew the police
were looking for them.

So were you, Abby.
In the sand.

How very thoughtful of you,
dear.

I believe we'll
have this one, too.

Oh, yes, it's lovely.

Abby,

I've been meaning to
speak to you about my salary.

After all, we've been
together nearly four years.

I thought
more like a bonus.

Perhaps a long trip.
You've never been to Europe.

Oh, but I wouldn't wanna
be away from you for too long.

Besides, it might end up
like one of your plots.

I mean
by the time I get back,

the police might even somehow

suspect me
of murdering Edmund.

Yes, I understand.

I thought maybe
we could travel together.

On your cruise.

I've never been on a cruise.

Delightful idea.
You could help me with my book.

And there'd be plenty of time
to talk about our futures.

Oh, Abby, I...

I do hope you don't think
I'm forcing myself.

Oh, my dear,
I'm always been baffled

by people who say they
won't submit to force.

I can't think of anything else
to submit to, can you?

(CLOCK TICKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

MARTIN: Lieutenant Columbo?

Lieutenant Columbo?

Yes?

How do you do?

I'm Martin Hammond,
Miss Mitchell's attorney.

Oh, right.

You were in New York.
Yes.

Would you care to join me?

Lieutenant,
I trust you realize that

Miss Mitchell is
a rather influential lady.

Oh, I'm aware of that, sir.

I saw all those pictures
of her

signed by Eisenhower
and Truman

and Kennedy
and Mahatma Gandhi.

How did she know
Mahatma Gandhi?

Perhaps from her travels.

By the way, she intends
to travel again.

She's leaving
the day after tomorrow.

Oh, I don't think
I can permit that, sir.

Why not?

Well,
as Miss Mitchell said,

the body was found
in her safe in her house.

But Edmund
had left this house.

He drove away in front
of three witnesses,

one of which was myself.

He returned,

well, I don't know when,
but it was some time after

Miss Mitchell had
departed for New York.

That's a fact to which I also
am a witness, Lieutenant.

So do you propose
to hold her as a suspect?

No, sir, I don't think
I could properly do that.

As a material witness, then?

No, I don't think I could
do that, either, sir,

since the lady wasn't here.

Do you think that these two
pieces of paper go together, sir?

No, they do not.

Would you say
that something is missing?

I would say something
appears to be missing.

You're a very good attorney,
sir, very convincing.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

Very good lawyer, sir.
Very convincing.

(MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

Great. Roll off
the right foot, honey.

Fine.

Dance it, enjoy it.

Great. More hips, hips, hips.

Good. Now make it
sensual but dignified,

it's not a striptease.

Combination, hips. Great.

Both sides, use both sides.

Arms up.

Stomach, stomach, good.

You're terrific.

Excuse the interruption,
ma'am.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo and I'm
looking for a Miss Veronica Bryce.

Yes, Lieutenant?

You?

Me!

Excuse the interruption,
I'm sorry.

More questions?

Just a few.

Thank you.
Over here.

All right. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hey, that's quite a costume
you got there, ma'am.

I thought this was just some
kind of an exercise class.

Well, that's
exactly what it is.

Now, what can I do
for you, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant?
Yes, ma'am. Yes.

Now, it's about how you came to
find Edmund's body in the safe.

It wasn't very difficult.
I just opened the door and there he was.

What I mean is how did
you come to open the safe

on that particular morning
at that particular time?

Do you usually open
the safe once a week,

twice a week, once a month?
How often?

Whenever I have
something to put in it.

That morning I'd finished
typing Abby's new book.

The Night I was Murdered,
that book?

No, no. The Night I was
Murdered was last year's book.

This is a brand-new one.

She told me to be sure
to lock it in the safe

as soon as I'd finished
typing the last few pages.

When did she tell you that,
ma'am, the night before?

Yes, the night before.

Excuse me, Lieutenant, but this
is the last class before we sail.

You mean you're sailing
with Miss Mitchell?

Does that surprise you?

Well, yes, ma'am, it does.

It's just that there
in front of the Ladies' Club,

I got the impression that you were
making the arrangements just for her.

Oh, did you?

Well, I'm included now,
is that all right?

Oh, certainly.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Sorry, sorry, ma'am,
forgive me.

(BIRDS CAWING)

COLUMBO: Good morning, ma'am.

What a nice surprise.

Oh! Good morning, Lieutenant.

Do you love surprises
as much as I do?

Well, that depends, ma'am.

I've had some nasty ones.

And given a few,
I guess.

Do you come here often?

Well, sometimes in the
mornings, walk my dog.

Is he all right?

Well, yes, ma'am.

Do you see something wrong?

He seems to be
scraping bottom.

Well, that's the way
they were made.

He likes to
look at the boats.

We come down here in the
mornings and walk and think.

In my business,
the thinking never stops.

He loves the ocean.

How can you tell?
It makes him frisky.

Had enough?

Okay. Now don't go away.
Stay.

He's trained.

Amazing.

I've been
watching the sailboat.

Oh, beautiful thing.
Not to me.

It's like the one
Phyllis was drowned on.

I looked into that, ma'am.

She disappeared
from the boat.

But the police, they don't know for
a fact that she died of drowning.

I didn't know the police
took all that interest.

It was so officially closed.

Well, there was nothing else
they could do, ma'am.

No.

Nope. Nothing else.

That must have been very hard
losing someone you love like that.

I've been very lucky.

I've lost my parents,
that's the way of the world.

But to lose someone that young,
that's like being cheated.

That's very hard.

I'm beginning to be
very fond of you, Lieutenant.

I think you're
a very kind man.

Don't count on that,
Miss Mitchell.

Don't count on it.

Here, dog, come here, dog.

Come on.

I still think
Edmund was murdered.

And I'm still looking
for the car keys.

When I find the keys,

I'll find the murderer.

You quite sure,
Lieutenant?

Very sure, ma'am.

These are the car keys.

And I didn't murder Edmund.

He drove away, I went to New York.
Remember?

I found them this morning,
out back.

Out back?

COLUMBO: Right there, ma'am?

Next to this sprinkler?

ABIGAIL: Right there.

Right there.

Well, ma'am,

I don't know what to say.

Well, you might say
Edmund dropped his keys.

I'm a very old woman.
I know you think I'm stupid.

To tell you the truth, I'm only
really intelligent when I write.

Still, it seems clear to me,
there was Edmund's car,

there were the keys
and there was Edmund.

Yes, ma'am,
that certainly explains it.

It certainly does.

I'll be running off now.

Goodbye, young man.

Oh, Lieutenant Columbo.

Just one more question.

Yes, ma'am.

Are you prepared to
drop your murder theory?

The ship hasn't sailed yet,
ma'am.

(HORN BLARING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Have a fine time now,
ma'am.

And you too, Annie.
You enjoy your vacation.

I will. I will.

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, Martin.

All bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed, aren't you?

Yes!

Well, you are quite a girl,
Miss Abigail Mitchell.

I just write well.

Thanks for rescuing me from
the Lieutenant's clutches.

Oh, that was my
very great pleasure.

Oh, Veronica, bon voyage.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hammond.

Well, take care, love.

And call me any time
you find a body in your safe.

Abby, my God,
it's like a dream.

How can I thank you?

You'll find a way, my dear.

Is it all right
if I go on deck?

You're free to do
whatever you please.

Excuse me, Lieutenant.

All visitors must go ashore.
Are you sailing with me?

Oh, it's not that
I wouldn't like that, ma'am.

Mrs. Columbo and I tried it.
It was terrific.

Then goodbye.

Thanks for seeing me off.

Well, the fact is, Miss Mitchell, I'm
gonna have to ask you to leave with me.

Well, that's impossible.

Not really, ma'am.

I have a bench warrant here
to show to the captain.

May I ask why?

Well, ma'am,
it's those car keys again.

You see these pictures,
ma'am?

These are shots
of Edmund's footprint

taken out there
in back of your house.

That was the day that
Veronica found the body.

Now, this picture here,

we had a section
of this blown up.

Here's the blowup.

You see by this
sprinkler head here,

that's right where you said
you found Edmund's keys.

Right under that bush, ma'am.

But there aren't
any keys there,

not the day that
Edmund was killed.

You see that?

So how can you say that you
found them there yesterday?

The curse of old age,
Lieutenant, forgetfulness.

One bush is
much like another.

Do you want me to speak
to the captain, ma'am?

I'm gonna be needing your
help back there at the house.

Excuse me,
I need my coat out there.

And I'll need mine.

(WHIRRING)

If you don't mind, ma'am?

Is this the important help
you needed?

Oh, no, ma'am. I'm gonna need
a lot more help than that.

To the desk, ma'am.

You see these two
pieces of paper, ma'am?

You can see that
there is a missing piece.

And I kept saying to myself,

I kept thinking,

there's Edmund locked
in there in the safe.

Now supposing, just supposing,
I'm right and you're wrong,

there he is locked
in there by the murderer.

And he certainly must've known
who that was.

If I'm right, that is.

Would you agree, ma'am?

If you insist.

Then, I said to myself,
if I was Edmund,

if I knew I was
going to die in there,

I would want
the murderer punished.

I would certainly want the
police to know who murdered me.

But you have nothing
to write with, Edmund.

Absolutely correct.

And even if I could've
written out an accusation,

I would have no way
of being certain

who would be the first person
to open the safe and find it,

or destroy it.

I mean, for all Edmund knew,

it could have been
the murderer who would be

the first person
to open the safe.

But I can't get it
out of my head

that the dead man
left us something,

a message.

Some sort of sign.

(EXCLAIMING)
The missing piece of paper.

Not exactly, ma'am.

That's a puzzle, all right.

But I keep thinking
that Edmund maybe

left us a different
kind of puzzle.

These safe deposit boxes,
ma'am,

they've all been in and out of the safe
a half dozen times since the murder.

Stacked every which way.

May I put them here?
Sure.

Now, you remember that
Edmund had black paint

under his fingernails
and on his belt buckle

like he was trying to
scratch at something.

And the only black paint with
scratches is on these boxes.

Nice, fresh, new scratches.

Do you see the scratches,
ma'am?

(EXCLAIMING)

His message from the grave.

Please, ma'am,
bear with me.

It's like we have
to interpret them,

put them in
some kind of order.

If there is an order,
that is.

That's why I need your help,
ma'am.

Your particular
kind of mind.

I suppose we could
start almost anywhere.

Let's turn this top box over

and see what that's like.

What do you make of that,
ma'am?

A "V." "V" for victory.

Perhaps he was
expressing his life-force.

(GASPING)
Or is it "V" for Veronica?

How very cruel of her.

Do you think Veronica did it,
Lieutenant?

Oh, I doubt that, ma'am.
I doubt that very much.

But she could have got an
idea who did kill him.

Really?
What a clever girl she is.

Perhaps it's upside down.

(EXCLAIMING)

An unfinished "A."
"A" for Annie.

Did Annie, my maid, do it?
We haven't got a butler.

Abigail Mitchell.

"A" for Abigail, ma'am.

Was he accusing me?

Are you accusing me,
Lieutenant?

I wasn't here.

Right, ma'am.
That's a fact.

Well, let's take this second
one and turn it around.

Well, we could turn this
upside down and put it on top.

Mmm-hmm.

A "Y."

Maybe it's a cosmic question,
"Why?"

Dear Edmund in the safe,

questioning
the meaning of life.

Or why he was murdered,
ma'am?

Oh, every character I write

knows exactly
why he was murdered.

Let's try again.

About those car keys,

the only way you could have
got them after Edmund left

is for Edmund to have come back
before you left for the airport.

And you were with him, ma'am.
Edmund and you were together.

That's very extravagant
of you, Lieutenant.

Can you prove that?

No, ma'am, no.

Not a chance.

What do you make of that,
ma'am?

(GROANING)

An arrow. An arrow

pointing straight down...

Do you think he wanted to call
attention to his new shoes?

Excuse me, ma'am.

ABIGAIL: An arrow

pointing straight to heaven.
Heaven is my destination?

He wanted us to know
the light doesn't work.

He was always
a bit of a complainer.

It's the title page
from your manuscript, ma'am.

The Night I Was Murdered?

It's the missing piece.

You see, these two words have been
rubbed out by a burned match.

Would you mind
reading it for me, ma'am?

Out loud, please, ma'am?

"I Was Murdered..."

Go on, ma'am.

"...By Abigail Mitchell."

Murdered by Abigail Mitchell.

Deathbed testimony.

That's considered very
strong evidence, ma'am.

I understand why you
did it, Miss Mitchell.

Veronica will spit
when she hears.

I don't suppose you would

consider making
an exception in my case?

An old woman,

quite harmless, all in all.

Under the circumstances,

your kindness.

I thank you
for the compliment.

But you're a very professional
person in your work and so am I.

Very professional indeed.

Just think, Lieutenant.

If you had investigated
my niece's death,

all this need
never have happened.