All language subtitles for Duncanville s03e14 The Pursuit of Daddyness.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,869 --> 00:00:05,143 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 2 00:00:05,177 --> 00:00:09,151 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 3 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:13,193 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 4 00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:17,201 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 5 00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:21,242 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 6 00:00:21,276 --> 00:00:23,781 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 7 00:00:23,848 --> 00:00:24,783 [laughs] 8 00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:25,919 Ooh! [growls] 9 00:00:25,952 --> 00:00:27,756 - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! 10 00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:29,425 - Duncan! - Duncan! 11 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,337 Wow, Mom's got the big earrings. 12 00:00:35,404 --> 00:00:37,141 Dad's got his jeans without the crotch ripped-- 13 00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:38,310 must be going somewhere nice. 14 00:00:38,343 --> 00:00:40,147 We're having dinner at DiMaggio's 15 00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:42,786 with Garrett and Bryce, our friends. 16 00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:43,788 Where's Jing? 17 00:00:43,854 --> 00:00:45,290 Don't go. Play with me. 18 00:00:45,324 --> 00:00:47,228 You're too old for friends. 19 00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:48,898 [grunts] Don't worry. 20 00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,000 Duncan's in charge. 21 00:00:50,067 --> 00:00:51,670 You're leaving? 22 00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:55,244 Who's gonna take care of me? 23 00:00:55,310 --> 00:00:57,414 Ugh, there's leftover mac and cheese in the microwave. 24 00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,586 All you need to do is press reheat. 25 00:00:59,620 --> 00:01:02,358 Whoa, whoa, you can't throw a bunch of technical stuff 26 00:01:02,424 --> 00:01:04,596 at me on your way out the door. 27 00:01:04,630 --> 00:01:06,299 I am so screwed. 28 00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,036 Got a new hole in your crotch, Dad. 29 00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,642 Damn it, I've had 'em on five minutes. 30 00:01:12,512 --> 00:01:16,052 Now, if Jack has that hole in his jeans, do not say anything. 31 00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:18,056 And there it is. 32 00:01:18,123 --> 00:01:20,828 Sorry we're late. Our kids just make it 33 00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:22,832 impossible to get out the door. 34 00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:24,770 They're like helpless blobs. 35 00:01:24,836 --> 00:01:26,039 More like selfish parasites 36 00:01:26,105 --> 00:01:28,043 who suck the life out of you. - Ah. 37 00:01:28,076 --> 00:01:29,478 See, I told you. 38 00:01:29,513 --> 00:01:31,917 He's been trying to talk me into having kids. 39 00:01:31,984 --> 00:01:33,486 Oh, my God, you have to. 40 00:01:33,554 --> 00:01:36,660 They're gifts from heaven. - No greater joy. 41 00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:37,729 Ah! 42 00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:39,231 So that's why you invited us 43 00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:41,837 to dinner-- you want my womb for surrogacy. 44 00:01:41,904 --> 00:01:43,473 The answer is yes. 45 00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:46,614 And all of my sperm is yours, gentlemen. 46 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:50,020 We have plenty, but maybe you could help me 47 00:01:50,053 --> 00:01:51,523 talk this guy into fatherhood. 48 00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:53,894 Eh, I'm just not ready to give up my freedom, 49 00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:55,464 sleep, and white sofa. 50 00:01:55,497 --> 00:01:58,103 You're just afraid you won't be good at it. 51 00:01:58,169 --> 00:02:00,207 I overheard your Zoom therapy session. 52 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,510 What? Wear earbuds. 53 00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:03,581 I know parenting seems like a lot of work, 54 00:02:03,614 --> 00:02:06,252 but kids are only hard for the first couple of years, 55 00:02:06,285 --> 00:02:09,225 and then they become totally self-sufficient. 56 00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:11,462 Mom, I can't find my left sock. 57 00:02:11,496 --> 00:02:14,402 Dunkie, say hello to Garrett and Bryce. 58 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,907 Hey. Do you know where my sock is? 59 00:02:16,974 --> 00:02:20,147 I got you, buddy. Comin' up. 60 00:02:20,213 --> 00:02:22,585 Oh, yep, there you go. How's that feel? 61 00:02:22,619 --> 00:02:26,092 Like a shirt for my foot. Thanks, Dad. You're the best. 62 00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,798 You had a spare pair of socks on you? 63 00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:29,900 Ah, you're like Super Dad. 64 00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,135 That was impressive. 65 00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:34,241 Well, parenting's a snap when you know what you're doing. 66 00:02:34,308 --> 00:02:37,247 [gasps] Bryce, you can do a ride along 67 00:02:37,281 --> 00:02:39,218 with me like that movie "Training Day," 68 00:02:39,251 --> 00:02:40,988 but without the PCP and murder. 69 00:02:41,022 --> 00:02:42,191 That's a great idea. 70 00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:44,028 He can teach you everything 71 00:02:44,095 --> 00:02:45,832 you need to know about being a dad. 72 00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:46,767 You should do it, hon. 73 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,973 Experience the wonder of children firsthand. 74 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,712 Can't we just get a fifth dog? 75 00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:54,248 Fine. 76 00:02:54,281 --> 00:02:57,121 Can I get another sock? I stepped in lasagna. 77 00:02:57,154 --> 00:02:58,824 You already said yes. 78 00:02:58,858 --> 00:03:01,530 [birds chirping] 79 00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:04,803 Get in. 80 00:03:04,903 --> 00:03:06,507 It's father-training day. 81 00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,209 Now? I thought we were gonna do that 82 00:03:08,276 --> 00:03:09,513 on a weekend or something. 83 00:03:09,546 --> 00:03:11,416 I'm piloting a flight in two hours. 84 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:14,221 As a dad, you're gonna have to get used to canceling things 85 00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:17,796 last minute. - [groans] Fine. 86 00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:22,004 Hello, Delta? It's Captain Sullenberger. 87 00:03:22,037 --> 00:03:23,440 No, the other one. 88 00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:26,680 Why do I have to learn things 89 00:03:26,714 --> 00:03:28,316 you already know how to do for me? 90 00:03:28,349 --> 00:03:30,688 That lasagna sock was a wake-up call. 91 00:03:30,722 --> 00:03:33,326 So I'm gonna do a "Training Day" of my own. 92 00:03:33,393 --> 00:03:36,099 Welcome to Annie's home ec class. 93 00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:38,938 Now stir, scoop, blow, and taste. 94 00:03:39,004 --> 00:03:43,213 It's just mac and cheese. I know what it tastes like. 95 00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:45,150 Oh, my God, this is the best friggin' 96 00:03:45,217 --> 00:03:47,287 mac and cheese I've ever had in my life. 97 00:03:47,321 --> 00:03:49,526 It's the same boxed mac and cheese I always make. 98 00:03:49,593 --> 00:03:52,131 I think it's pride you're tasting. 99 00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,736 Yeah, also, you drown it in milk. 100 00:03:54,803 --> 00:03:56,072 It's basically soup. 101 00:03:56,139 --> 00:03:58,042 The point is, you did it on your own. 102 00:03:58,042 --> 00:03:59,078 Why didn't you ever tell me 103 00:03:59,111 --> 00:04:01,449 that doing stuff for myself would feel so good? 104 00:04:01,482 --> 00:04:04,890 I tell you that all the time. Look at the fridge magnet. 105 00:04:06,259 --> 00:04:08,296 Yeah, but you never read it to me. 106 00:04:08,363 --> 00:04:10,233 Never mind-- I'll do the dishes 107 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,037 so we can start our next lesson. 108 00:04:12,070 --> 00:04:13,473 No, I'll do 'em. 109 00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:16,379 I don't like people messing with my kitchen. 110 00:04:17,381 --> 00:04:18,884 [laughing] 111 00:04:18,951 --> 00:04:20,353 [whimpering] 112 00:04:20,387 --> 00:04:22,391 Uh-oh, pouty lower lip, playdate gone wrong. 113 00:04:22,424 --> 00:04:24,495 Let's kick some parenting ass. 114 00:04:25,163 --> 00:04:26,466 I'm riding here. 115 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,704 What's wrong, boo boo bear? 116 00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:30,173 What? Oh, me? 117 00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:32,679 What's wrong, young, human child? 118 00:04:32,745 --> 00:04:36,352 Well, Joey says I can't hang with the crew if I don't lose 119 00:04:36,419 --> 00:04:38,858 my baby training wheels. Will you teach me to ride? 120 00:04:38,891 --> 00:04:41,462 Wow, Bryce, I thought you'd be hit with something smaller 121 00:04:41,530 --> 00:04:43,399 like skinned knee or hungry tummy, 122 00:04:43,466 --> 00:04:46,139 but bam, straight to rite of passage. 123 00:04:46,205 --> 00:04:47,474 Jack, your hand's bleeding. 124 00:04:47,542 --> 00:04:49,813 Yeah, dad hands do that. 125 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,115 Try and keep up, rookie. 126 00:04:51,182 --> 00:04:53,153 - [whimpering] - Mm. 127 00:04:53,253 --> 00:04:54,421 Hoopa. 128 00:04:54,488 --> 00:04:56,392 Don't let go. Don't let go! 129 00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:58,429 We won't. [bike bell rings] 130 00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:00,868 Don't let go! both: We won't! 131 00:05:00,935 --> 00:05:02,939 [both panting] 132 00:05:02,972 --> 00:05:05,010 This happened on my watch. 133 00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:07,047 Boss, no! 134 00:05:07,114 --> 00:05:08,383 [bike bell rings] 135 00:05:08,449 --> 00:05:10,387 Don't let go! both: We won't. 136 00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:11,857 - [grunts] - Don't let go. 137 00:05:11,890 --> 00:05:13,226 I won't. 138 00:05:13,259 --> 00:05:15,698 [bike bell rings] [bulls bellowing] 139 00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:18,269 Oakdale has a Running of the Bulls? 140 00:05:18,303 --> 00:05:21,142 We were briefly colonized by Spain. 141 00:05:21,209 --> 00:05:23,012 [bull groans] Ow! 142 00:05:23,046 --> 00:05:25,150 - Uh... - Don't let go! 143 00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:26,920 [groans] both: We already did. 144 00:05:26,954 --> 00:05:27,789 Yay! 145 00:05:27,889 --> 00:05:30,928 Whoa, Jing's kissing the sky over here. 146 00:05:30,962 --> 00:05:34,936 - I love you, Daddy! - That's why we do it, Bryce. 147 00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:36,138 Try not to talk, sir. 148 00:05:36,239 --> 00:05:37,876 Clear! - [grunts] 149 00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:42,719 Okay, now, dadding a teenage boy has its own set of rules. 150 00:05:42,785 --> 00:05:45,958 For example, never walk in their bedroom without knocking. 151 00:05:46,058 --> 00:05:47,294 I'll show you why. 152 00:05:47,327 --> 00:05:48,797 [grunting] 153 00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:49,699 Come on. Come on. 154 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:53,206 - Hey, Dunker. - Get out, I'm not finished! 155 00:05:53,239 --> 00:05:54,676 Oh, my God. 156 00:05:54,743 --> 00:05:57,114 Calm down-- I'm learning to sew 157 00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:58,651 and fix Dad's ripped crotches. 158 00:05:58,717 --> 00:06:00,320 It was a surprise so I didn't have to 159 00:06:00,387 --> 00:06:01,322 buy you a birthday present. 160 00:06:01,389 --> 00:06:03,426 Wow, you did that yourself? 161 00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:04,863 You're really growing up, son. 162 00:06:04,863 --> 00:06:08,069 You teach 'em to fly, sometimes, they soar. 163 00:06:08,136 --> 00:06:10,942 Thanks, Dad. May I hug you? 164 00:06:11,008 --> 00:06:13,681 Like you have to ask. 165 00:06:13,714 --> 00:06:14,516 That was amazing, Jack. 166 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,285 Once I knew he wasn't masturbating, 167 00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:17,755 I really saw the reward of parenting. 168 00:06:17,822 --> 00:06:19,526 I think I might be ready for this. 169 00:06:19,559 --> 00:06:21,495 You won't regret it, my friend. 170 00:06:21,530 --> 00:06:23,433 Toughest job you'll ever love. 171 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:26,105 Hi, sweetheart. - Don't talk to me! 172 00:06:26,172 --> 00:06:27,609 You suck! Everybody sucks! 173 00:06:27,642 --> 00:06:30,915 I hate my life and yearn for death! 174 00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:34,623 Hey, let's go hug Duncan again. 175 00:06:34,723 --> 00:06:37,562 - Get out! - Oh, my God! 176 00:06:41,737 --> 00:06:44,308 This seems like a private moment for you and Kimberly. 177 00:06:44,341 --> 00:06:45,845 Maybe I should go home and have a vasectomy. 178 00:06:45,878 --> 00:06:48,283 Don't get snipped just 'cause you're scared. 179 00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:49,418 You need to see this. 180 00:06:49,485 --> 00:06:50,554 We're gonna have a gentle talk 181 00:06:50,588 --> 00:06:53,727 between father, daughter, and father's guy friend. 182 00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:56,767 Hey, girl, wanna dish? Oh, don't mind Bryce. 183 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,469 I'm just teaching him how to parent, 184 00:06:58,537 --> 00:07:00,307 and he gonna teach me how to fly a jet. 185 00:07:00,373 --> 00:07:01,510 I never said that. 186 00:07:01,543 --> 00:07:03,246 Tell us what happened. 187 00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:06,419 [babbling incoherently] 188 00:07:06,452 --> 00:07:08,691 Oh, no, that's terrible. 189 00:07:08,757 --> 00:07:10,393 She says Ashley, Brooke, and Courtney 190 00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:12,197 are bullying her again. 191 00:07:12,264 --> 00:07:13,567 The ABC girls? 192 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,236 They got kicked off of one of my flights 193 00:07:15,270 --> 00:07:16,540 for booing everyone in coach. 194 00:07:16,607 --> 00:07:20,948 - [babbling incoherently] - You're kidding! 195 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,887 She sat in apple juice and now they call her Kimber-pee. 196 00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:26,292 Well, don't worry, honey. I'll just call their parents. 197 00:07:26,359 --> 00:07:28,697 [babbles incoherently] 198 00:07:28,731 --> 00:07:31,603 [clears throat] Um, she says she respects 199 00:07:31,670 --> 00:07:34,542 my opinion, but is open to other ideas. 200 00:07:34,576 --> 00:07:37,147 No, I said you need to keep your fat neck out of it. 201 00:07:37,214 --> 00:07:38,349 You can't stop these girls. 202 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,485 They pick on so many people, 203 00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:42,324 they have a bully calendar on their phones to keep track. 204 00:07:42,357 --> 00:07:43,594 Uh, if I could jump in... 205 00:07:43,661 --> 00:07:45,731 Careful, you're still in training. 206 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,702 Listen, I was a gay kid in the '80s 207 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,438 who was obsessed with Hulk Hogan. 208 00:07:49,506 --> 00:07:51,442 I drew a handlebar mustache on my face 209 00:07:51,510 --> 00:07:54,114 and wore a yellow leotard on picture day. 210 00:07:54,181 --> 00:07:56,452 - Ew. - Dang, brother. 211 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,789 So I know about being bullied. 212 00:07:57,855 --> 00:07:59,391 Really? How'd you handle it? 213 00:07:59,425 --> 00:08:00,895 Uh, poorly. 214 00:08:00,961 --> 00:08:02,732 I ate a whole pie every night while listening to the Smiths. 215 00:08:02,799 --> 00:08:04,769 But one day, my bullies and I 216 00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:07,875 ran into each other outside the horrible middle school dynamic 217 00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:10,848 and got to know each other for who we really are, 218 00:08:10,915 --> 00:08:14,188 and we all became friends. - By the end of middle school? 219 00:08:14,254 --> 00:08:15,390 Oh, God, no. 220 00:08:15,457 --> 00:08:16,526 This is 20 years later at a gay bar. 221 00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:19,164 Most '80s homophobia was closet-driven. 222 00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,367 [groans] 223 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,970 We can't wait that long. 224 00:08:22,004 --> 00:08:24,542 We have to show those girls how cool you are now. 225 00:08:24,576 --> 00:08:26,045 Oh, I'll call and tell 'em. 226 00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:27,749 [babbles incoherently] 227 00:08:27,815 --> 00:08:29,986 She says my fat neck needs a better plan. 228 00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:32,525 Well, if anyone can come up with one, it's you, Super Dad, 229 00:08:32,592 --> 00:08:35,598 and me, the guy who stranded 200 people at the airport 230 00:08:35,664 --> 00:08:38,002 just to push a girl on a bike. 231 00:08:39,839 --> 00:08:42,678 Mia, thanks for going along with our top-secret plan 232 00:08:42,745 --> 00:08:46,920 to win over Kimberly's bullies, or TSPTWOKB for short. 233 00:08:46,953 --> 00:08:49,358 Yeah, I saw the logo on the T-shirt you made me. 234 00:08:49,425 --> 00:08:50,661 Can we get this over with? 235 00:08:50,728 --> 00:08:53,534 Okay, the ABC girls hang out here every day, 236 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,971 so Kimberly will run into them any minute. 237 00:08:56,005 --> 00:08:57,642 Everybody got their backstories straight? 238 00:08:57,709 --> 00:08:59,913 I am Chip, a recent divorcé 239 00:08:59,979 --> 00:09:02,652 trying to start again, and I sleep in my car 240 00:09:02,652 --> 00:09:04,723 and I shower in a bathroom sink. 241 00:09:04,756 --> 00:09:06,693 And I'm Darryl, a washed-up rock star 242 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,131 and recovering heroin addict who did time for manslaughter. 243 00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:11,570 Working at this pizza place isn't what I want, but it's 244 00:09:11,636 --> 00:09:13,707 what I need to get joint custody of my son, Michael. 245 00:09:13,774 --> 00:09:15,911 Mia? - Oh, this is my actual life, 246 00:09:15,945 --> 00:09:19,318 and I'm sad about it every day. - Ooh, that's good! 247 00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:20,654 They're here. Places. 248 00:09:20,688 --> 00:09:22,759 We need a table. My dad's rich. 249 00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:25,531 Sorry, it's gonna be at least 30 minutes. 250 00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:26,833 Some old man left his newspaper here 251 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,004 if you wanna read it while you wait. 252 00:09:29,071 --> 00:09:31,409 all: Aw. 253 00:09:31,475 --> 00:09:33,714 Oh, my God, Kimberly! 254 00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:37,722 Lovin' your whole vibe, girl, as always. 255 00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:40,427 all: Hmm? - Got the VIP booth for you. 256 00:09:40,493 --> 00:09:42,030 Thanks, Mia. Oh, hey, guys. 257 00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:44,502 I didn't know you come here every Thursday at 6:00 p. m. 258 00:09:44,569 --> 00:09:45,905 before spitting in the samples at Sephora. 259 00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:47,875 Wait, you two know each other? 260 00:09:47,942 --> 00:09:49,612 That's right, and I'm a high-schooler, 261 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:50,614 which is dope. 262 00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:54,254 My nose ring and I think Kimberly is hella tight. 263 00:09:54,321 --> 00:09:55,558 Hey, you guys wanna join me? 264 00:09:55,624 --> 00:09:57,027 I got free pizzas coming my way. 265 00:09:57,093 --> 00:09:59,999 Yeah, I give her free stuff, and as stated before, 266 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,605 I'm in high school, which is fire. 267 00:10:02,672 --> 00:10:04,976 Yeah, sure, Kimberly! That'd be cool. 268 00:10:05,009 --> 00:10:08,282 If my ex-wife and your ex-bandmates could see us now, 269 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,086 Darryl... - True that, Chip. 270 00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:14,228 True... that. 271 00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:18,737 The Chipotle dumpster was a wonderland today. 272 00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,741 How often do you find a burrito bowl 273 00:10:20,774 --> 00:10:24,716 with guacamole still on top? 274 00:10:24,782 --> 00:10:26,653 [sniffs] What doesn't stink in here? 275 00:10:26,686 --> 00:10:29,124 I'm baking. I made cucumber sandwiches, 276 00:10:29,158 --> 00:10:31,362 and there's cranberry scones in the oven. 277 00:10:31,428 --> 00:10:32,732 Eat up, eat up. 278 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,270 - Yo, you're baking? - We have an oven? 279 00:10:35,303 --> 00:10:37,742 I thought that was a TV that always burned my hand. 280 00:10:37,809 --> 00:10:40,714 These cucumber sandwiches are bussin'! 281 00:10:40,748 --> 00:10:42,718 The cream cheese isn't even rancid. 282 00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,756 How'd you learn to do all this? 283 00:10:44,789 --> 00:10:46,560 My mom's been teaching me home ec. 284 00:10:46,593 --> 00:10:48,029 Is she taking on other students? 285 00:10:48,062 --> 00:10:50,968 You want my mom to teach you to cook and clean? 286 00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:53,907 I want your mom to teach me everything. 287 00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:56,646 Let's have scones at the banquette. 288 00:10:56,713 --> 00:10:58,449 What the hell's a banget, 289 00:10:58,517 --> 00:11:00,588 and where's our pile of dead raccoons? 290 00:11:00,654 --> 00:11:02,625 I re-homed them into the trash. 291 00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:03,894 They weren't sparking joy. 292 00:11:03,927 --> 00:11:05,531 It's true-- we hadn't touched those 293 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,902 dead raccoons in a year. 294 00:11:09,304 --> 00:11:11,877 Kimberly, I think because I'm always glaring at you 295 00:11:11,910 --> 00:11:14,481 in disgust, I've never noticed 296 00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:15,818 your hair color is really pretty. 297 00:11:15,885 --> 00:11:17,788 OMG, Brooke, that is so sweet, 298 00:11:17,855 --> 00:11:19,592 and because you're always glaring at me, 299 00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:21,362 I never noticed how pretty your eyes are. 300 00:11:21,395 --> 00:11:23,266 JK, I totally noticed. 301 00:11:23,299 --> 00:11:25,270 [both laugh] 302 00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:26,873 Great JK. 303 00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:29,177 We are miracle workers, Jack. 304 00:11:29,211 --> 00:11:31,181 They should send us to the set of "The View." 305 00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:33,954 Oh, I wanna know everything they're saying. 306 00:11:33,987 --> 00:11:36,425 I wish I was one of the six flies on their pizza. 307 00:11:36,492 --> 00:11:38,564 [flies buzzing] 308 00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:39,799 God, this place is gross. 309 00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,870 Come on. We're going in. 310 00:11:41,903 --> 00:11:44,542 Well, it looks like you're all having a good time. 311 00:11:44,576 --> 00:11:45,544 Yes, we are. Bye. 312 00:11:45,611 --> 00:11:46,780 Can I tempt you with dessert? 313 00:11:46,846 --> 00:11:48,917 The Choco-pasta's to die for. 314 00:11:48,984 --> 00:11:51,322 Ew, do we look like we eat dessert? 315 00:11:51,355 --> 00:11:54,228 Yeah, and aren't you too old to be enjoying working here? 316 00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:57,802 No, I'm, uh--I'm--I'm just trying get my life together 317 00:11:57,868 --> 00:12:00,440 to get custody of my son. - That's lame. 318 00:12:00,473 --> 00:12:01,943 Your lame. - You hear that? 319 00:12:01,977 --> 00:12:03,614 The dessert perv with the man boobs 320 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,517 doesn't have custody of his son. 321 00:12:05,551 --> 00:12:07,020 [laughter] 322 00:12:07,087 --> 00:12:09,759 His body is fine. It's called "dad bod." 323 00:12:09,826 --> 00:12:11,896 It's a thing! - And who's this loser? 324 00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:13,834 You look like a tired mannequin. 325 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,838 [gasps] I thought your generation didn't body shame. 326 00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:18,376 We body shame boomers, boomer. 327 00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:20,046 Boomers? [groans] 328 00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:22,952 This old guy's having a heart attack--gross. 329 00:12:22,985 --> 00:12:24,789 Come on, Kimberly. Let's go to Sephora. 330 00:12:24,822 --> 00:12:26,893 [hocks up spit] 331 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,197 Sorry--but thank you! 332 00:12:29,264 --> 00:12:31,703 Once he wakes up, clean the bathroom. 333 00:12:31,703 --> 00:12:33,974 Thanks, Darryl. 334 00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:36,846 - [laughs] - A tired mannequin? 335 00:12:36,913 --> 00:12:39,484 That is absolutely you in the morning. 336 00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:40,654 [laughs] - They made fun 337 00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:43,927 of your man boobs? I love your man boobs. 338 00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:46,231 Bloopy, bloopy, bloopy, bloopy. - [laughs] 339 00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:49,171 It's not funny! They really hurt our feelings. 340 00:12:49,237 --> 00:12:52,444 You helped Kimberly. You should be proud. 341 00:12:52,477 --> 00:12:53,647 I know I am. 342 00:12:53,747 --> 00:12:54,749 Bloop. 343 00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:55,884 You're gonna let a bunch 344 00:12:55,951 --> 00:12:58,757 of mean girls emasculate you? [laughs] 345 00:12:58,824 --> 00:12:59,993 Pathetic. [oven dings] 346 00:13:00,059 --> 00:13:01,997 Ooh, my sticky buns are done. 347 00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:04,769 You're grown men, and they're 12. 348 00:13:04,802 --> 00:13:06,205 Let it go. - I'm sorry. 349 00:13:06,305 --> 00:13:08,309 Jack could let it go. He's a bigger man. 350 00:13:08,342 --> 00:13:11,549 But Darryl did not kick heroin to put up with this. 351 00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:12,652 You're not supposed to be 352 00:13:12,685 --> 00:13:13,654 picking fights with little girls. 353 00:13:13,754 --> 00:13:16,425 You're supposed to be training Bryce to be a dad. 354 00:13:16,492 --> 00:13:17,695 "Training Day" is over. 355 00:13:17,762 --> 00:13:19,799 It's a different Denzel movie now-- 356 00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,603 "The Equalizer." 357 00:13:21,636 --> 00:13:23,740 I haven't seen this, but I'm in. 358 00:13:23,774 --> 00:13:25,744 Ooh, this is gonna be ugly. 359 00:13:25,778 --> 00:13:27,748 The only thing worse than a nasty tween girl 360 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,719 is a pissed-off gay man. 361 00:13:29,752 --> 00:13:31,155 Top off your Pinots? 362 00:13:31,155 --> 00:13:33,794 Thank you, my stuper student-- 363 00:13:33,827 --> 00:13:35,931 super student. Oof! 364 00:13:35,964 --> 00:13:38,336 Maybe I should eat some crackers. 365 00:13:38,369 --> 00:13:40,273 [laughs] [burps] 366 00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:46,251 Let's go reclaim our dignity. 367 00:13:46,318 --> 00:13:47,320 Damn it. 368 00:13:47,387 --> 00:13:49,191 [dramatic music] 369 00:13:49,257 --> 00:13:50,828 Ah! 370 00:13:50,894 --> 00:13:53,567 ♪ ♪ 371 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:54,569 [whimpers] 372 00:13:54,635 --> 00:13:59,779 ♪ ♪ 373 00:13:59,812 --> 00:14:00,781 [record scratches] 374 00:14:00,814 --> 00:14:01,816 - [screams] - Uh-oh. 375 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,820 [both panting] 376 00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:06,291 What is wrong with us? They're kids! 377 00:14:06,325 --> 00:14:09,031 We should be able to take 'em. - I'm sorry, wait. 378 00:14:09,097 --> 00:14:10,901 Did you think we were gonna fight these little girls? 379 00:14:10,968 --> 00:14:13,005 No! Did you? 380 00:14:13,072 --> 00:14:14,642 I wish someone would. 381 00:14:14,675 --> 00:14:15,778 Why are you in the boys' room? 382 00:14:15,844 --> 00:14:18,750 It's the only safe place to hide from the mean girls. 383 00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,019 I thought you guys were all-- 384 00:14:20,053 --> 00:14:21,856 [mocking voice] "Oh, we're so close. 385 00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:23,025 "Let's braid each other's hair and... 386 00:14:23,092 --> 00:14:24,529 [normal voice] "Verbally our father 387 00:14:24,595 --> 00:14:25,597 and his best friend!" 388 00:14:25,697 --> 00:14:28,002 I decided I just couldn't hang with kids who said 389 00:14:28,069 --> 00:14:30,641 such hurtful things to two men I love and admire. 390 00:14:30,708 --> 00:14:32,277 Uh-huh, what really happened? 391 00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:34,281 Fine. They wanted me to bully kids 392 00:14:34,347 --> 00:14:36,251 with them, and when I said no, they went back 393 00:14:36,285 --> 00:14:38,222 to calling me Kimber-pee. - You know what? 394 00:14:38,255 --> 00:14:39,892 I do wanna beat up those little girls. 395 00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:40,894 [phone chimes] - Looks like they have 396 00:14:40,961 --> 00:14:42,263 a full day of terror planned. 397 00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:43,633 I'm still synced to their bully calendar. 398 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:44,802 They forgot to take me off. 399 00:14:44,869 --> 00:14:48,342 So you know what they're gonna do before they do it? 400 00:14:48,375 --> 00:14:51,816 That means we can stop every mean thing they have planned, 401 00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:54,387 and no innocent kid or full-grown man 402 00:14:54,421 --> 00:14:56,125 will ever have to fear them again. 403 00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:58,129 Sounds like a plan to me! 404 00:14:58,129 --> 00:14:59,999 Lil Joey, this isn't your school. 405 00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,402 I don't like to take dumps there. 406 00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:04,307 Those tiny toilets can't hold what Joey's got to give 'em. 407 00:15:04,408 --> 00:15:07,113 Hey, can one of yous drop me off at the track? 408 00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:12,825 [hip-hop music] 409 00:15:12,858 --> 00:15:15,731 Operation Bully Block begins. 410 00:15:15,764 --> 00:15:17,133 I've got chills. 411 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,972 Okay, 1:00 p. m., spray paint Wesley M.'s locker. 412 00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:23,647 [school bell rings] Here they come--right on time. 413 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,349 [all laugh] 414 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,187 [laughs] 415 00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:29,525 - Hmm. - Hey, I read somewhere 416 00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:31,763 that kid's freaking cool. 417 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:34,267 Yeah. [camera shutter clicks] 418 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,506 Well, I had a good run. 419 00:15:38,142 --> 00:15:41,048 [cheers and applause] 420 00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:43,085 [all laugh] 421 00:15:43,152 --> 00:15:46,425 [dance music playing] 422 00:15:46,492 --> 00:15:47,160 ♪ ♪ 423 00:15:47,193 --> 00:15:48,763 [suspenseful music sting] 424 00:15:48,797 --> 00:15:50,299 Mm-hmm. 425 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,903 [grunts] 426 00:15:51,903 --> 00:15:53,305 - [grunts] - [gasps] 427 00:15:53,339 --> 00:15:56,044 Timothée Chalamet? What are you doing here? 428 00:15:56,111 --> 00:15:58,048 Asking you to dance. 429 00:15:58,115 --> 00:16:00,587 [cheers and applause] 430 00:16:00,654 --> 00:16:02,123 [all gasp] 431 00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:03,960 Huh? [all grunt] 432 00:16:04,027 --> 00:16:09,304 [screaming] 433 00:16:09,371 --> 00:16:10,707 Oh! 434 00:16:10,774 --> 00:16:11,943 Waah! 435 00:16:11,976 --> 00:16:15,449 Whoo-hoo! Oh. 436 00:16:15,483 --> 00:16:16,886 [all cheer] 437 00:16:16,953 --> 00:16:20,359 Who keeps blocking us? My dad's rich. 438 00:16:20,426 --> 00:16:22,731 All right, let's see what's on the bully calendar next. 439 00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,535 Hit Cooper with basketball. 440 00:16:24,602 --> 00:16:26,338 Oh! 441 00:16:26,371 --> 00:16:28,075 Okay, didn't get to that one in time. 442 00:16:28,142 --> 00:16:29,912 [gasps] Wait, there's something huge. 443 00:16:29,979 --> 00:16:31,081 "Friday, after gym class, 444 00:16:31,148 --> 00:16:32,618 our biggest, meanest prank ever." 445 00:16:32,651 --> 00:16:35,323 Meaner than trying to drown someone with a broken leg? 446 00:16:35,389 --> 00:16:36,759 We should call the police, Jack. 447 00:16:36,826 --> 00:16:37,895 I'm fearing for our lives. 448 00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:40,132 I thought you wanted to be a dad. 449 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,738 No, I'm on the fence. I've been saying that. 450 00:16:42,805 --> 00:16:44,842 [controller buttons clicking] 451 00:16:44,909 --> 00:16:46,011 Feet up. Feet up. 452 00:16:46,111 --> 00:16:47,948 [vacuum whirring] 453 00:16:47,982 --> 00:16:49,852 Get out of the way! 454 00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:51,689 Humiliating defeat, 455 00:16:51,723 --> 00:16:52,958 life wasted. 456 00:16:52,992 --> 00:16:54,361 This place is filthy. 457 00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:57,467 Why aren't you wearing the paper booties I put out? 458 00:16:57,535 --> 00:16:58,770 Sorry, Mom. 459 00:16:58,870 --> 00:17:00,841 That's some way to talk to me 460 00:17:00,874 --> 00:17:02,645 after I made you pumpkin bread. 461 00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:05,951 I'm tired of being overworked and underappreciated. 462 00:17:06,018 --> 00:17:07,555 What do you want? Sex? 463 00:17:07,588 --> 00:17:10,126 I want you guys to clean up after yourselves. 464 00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,198 - Okay, we're out. - Grab the pumpkin bread. 465 00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,004 - [grumbling] - [gasps] 466 00:17:16,071 --> 00:17:17,641 [vacuum whirring] 467 00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:22,383 Oh, look at this cute mother of pearl spoon 468 00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,724 and this dream catcher. I think I'm gonna buy these... 469 00:17:25,791 --> 00:17:28,028 - [gasps] - On Amazon later. 470 00:17:28,128 --> 00:17:31,502 Thank you! Your store is so cute. 471 00:17:31,536 --> 00:17:34,207 Good thing I sell cocaine out the back. 472 00:17:34,274 --> 00:17:37,313 There you are! Mrs. H, we got a situation. 473 00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:40,386 Duncan's acting all responsible, and it sucks! 474 00:17:40,419 --> 00:17:43,359 Sorry, Bex, but after 15 years of babying Duncan, 475 00:17:43,425 --> 00:17:45,831 I'm finally enjoying some me time. 476 00:17:45,897 --> 00:17:47,233 I just almost bought something. 477 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,603 Now, if you'll excuse us, 478 00:17:48,637 --> 00:17:51,441 Annie and I are off to the desert to do ayahuasca. 479 00:17:51,475 --> 00:17:52,343 We are? 480 00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:53,914 You said I could choose the next thing. 481 00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:55,283 We want Dirty D back, 482 00:17:55,316 --> 00:17:57,120 so we're asking you to make like a mother 483 00:17:57,153 --> 00:18:00,092 and sacrifice your happiness for a bunch of damn kids. 484 00:18:00,159 --> 00:18:03,165 No, I want Duncan to grow up to be self-sufficient, 485 00:18:03,265 --> 00:18:04,267 and I wanna day drink. 486 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:07,708 Ugh, we all do, but if you don't get him back 487 00:18:07,775 --> 00:18:09,044 to being an incompetent goof, 488 00:18:09,144 --> 00:18:11,181 we're gonna cut his tidy ass loose. 489 00:18:11,214 --> 00:18:12,216 So what's it gonna be? 490 00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:15,557 Do you want a helpless kid or a friendless kid? 491 00:18:15,590 --> 00:18:16,726 Yikes. 492 00:18:18,596 --> 00:18:22,003 Gym lets out in 15 minutes, and I can't find any signs 493 00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:23,072 of the biggest, meanest prank ever. 494 00:18:23,172 --> 00:18:25,209 Did you check for super glue on the toilet seats? 495 00:18:25,276 --> 00:18:26,980 - Duh, yeah. - Did you inspect the shampoo 496 00:18:27,046 --> 00:18:28,783 for Nair and the lockers for murder hornets? 497 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:29,585 - Obvi. - Did you check 498 00:18:29,652 --> 00:18:31,054 the tampon dispenser for dynamite? 499 00:18:31,121 --> 00:18:33,058 - No! - Ugh, you're not thinking 500 00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,697 like a 12-year-old girl. Come on, Bryce. 501 00:18:37,066 --> 00:18:38,369 All right, I'll do a dynamite sweep. 502 00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:40,707 You check the towels for itching powder. 503 00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,076 Busted. 504 00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,280 Nuh-uh. You're busted. 505 00:18:44,347 --> 00:18:46,786 You're not pranking anyone today. 506 00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:49,257 Uh-huh. Hello, police? 507 00:18:49,324 --> 00:18:51,395 There's two old creeps in the girls' locker room. 508 00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:52,397 One barely fits in his shirt, 509 00:18:52,463 --> 00:18:55,336 and the other looks like an alcoholic weatherman. 510 00:18:55,403 --> 00:18:58,543 [both gasp] - [laughs] 511 00:18:58,543 --> 00:18:59,444 [grunts] 512 00:18:59,477 --> 00:19:01,448 Once the cops hear our explanation, 513 00:19:01,481 --> 00:19:03,687 I think we'll still be in trouble. 514 00:19:05,356 --> 00:19:07,327 Wow, you were thirsty, Arthur. 515 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,132 Dunkie, you know how much I enjoy walking in your room 516 00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:12,403 and not gagging from a wall of stench. 517 00:19:12,504 --> 00:19:14,174 - I do. - But you gotta bring back 518 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,011 the funk, Dunk. - Huh? 519 00:19:16,078 --> 00:19:18,516 The truth is-- [sighs] 520 00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:22,023 [robotically] I love housework and miss doing it. 521 00:19:22,090 --> 00:19:23,560 Well, we can do it together. 522 00:19:23,626 --> 00:19:25,162 [robotically] No, it must be me, 523 00:19:25,229 --> 00:19:26,498 and me alone. 524 00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,772 It is my identity. I am nothing without it. 525 00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:31,241 Yeah, that's true. 526 00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:33,012 You don't have a lot else going on. 527 00:19:33,112 --> 00:19:35,383 Oh, here. 528 00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:37,286 I was gonna clean the toilet next, 529 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,157 but I can see how much it means to you. 530 00:19:39,224 --> 00:19:40,359 Thanks for taking the time 531 00:19:40,393 --> 00:19:42,030 to teach me all those life skills, Mom. 532 00:19:42,096 --> 00:19:43,633 Aw, you're welcome, sweetie. 533 00:19:43,666 --> 00:19:46,271 Maybe I'll use them again, but doubtful. 534 00:19:46,304 --> 00:19:47,473 The next woman in my life 535 00:19:47,541 --> 00:19:50,547 will probably wanna take care of me too. 536 00:19:50,614 --> 00:19:53,052 [sighs] I could be flying on ayahuasca 537 00:19:53,085 --> 00:19:54,154 in the desert right now. 538 00:19:54,254 --> 00:19:57,795 Well, looks like Darryl and Chip are sex offenders. 539 00:19:57,828 --> 00:20:00,767 That's why you always have backstories and fake IDs. 540 00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,540 How the hell did those mean girls find us out? 541 00:20:03,573 --> 00:20:06,411 Maybe 'cause you kept peeking around corners and high-fiving? 542 00:20:06,445 --> 00:20:07,614 Sorry I let you down, honey. 543 00:20:07,715 --> 00:20:10,554 I really wanted those girls to see what a great kid you are. 544 00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:12,758 Don't need 'em. I made real friends. 545 00:20:12,825 --> 00:20:13,626 Yeah. 546 00:20:13,693 --> 00:20:15,564 My mom says you're too old for me, 547 00:20:15,597 --> 00:20:17,500 but she doesn't know what you smell like. 548 00:20:17,568 --> 00:20:20,206 Besides, you got nothing to feel bad about. 549 00:20:20,272 --> 00:20:21,809 I'm lucky to have a dad who cares so much 550 00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:24,280 and a Bryce who would definitely make a great father. 551 00:20:24,314 --> 00:20:25,550 I'm not afraid, Jack. 552 00:20:25,584 --> 00:20:28,188 I'm ready for the toughest job I'll ever love. 553 00:20:28,222 --> 00:20:29,357 [pants rip] Oh! 554 00:20:29,424 --> 00:20:32,196 The crotch of my jeans, it just ripped. 555 00:20:32,263 --> 00:20:34,769 Welcome to the club, Dad. 556 00:20:34,835 --> 00:20:35,771 Ah! 557 00:20:35,937 --> 00:20:39,444 This is your life now. We'll never leave you alone! 558 00:20:39,477 --> 00:20:41,949 [all scream] - Let's kick tween ass. 559 00:20:41,983 --> 00:20:44,287 [all screaming] 560 00:20:48,295 --> 00:20:49,230 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, 561 00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:51,268 and welcome aboard. I'm Captain Sullenberger, 562 00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,575 your pilot and new dad! - I'm his husband. Me! 563 00:20:54,608 --> 00:20:57,280 Baby was my idea-- had to talk him into it. 564 00:20:57,346 --> 00:20:59,652 Will you guys excuse me a minute? 565 00:21:01,154 --> 00:21:03,693 Okay, Bryce, time to teach me to fly. 566 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,463 - Still never said that. - Come on, man. 567 00:21:05,496 --> 00:21:08,001 I Denzel'd you into daddyhood. 568 00:21:08,035 --> 00:21:11,074 Switch, switch! - Okay. 569 00:21:11,108 --> 00:21:13,045 This is the thrust lever. 570 00:21:13,112 --> 00:21:14,214 [engines thrum, tires squeal] 571 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,318 Now take the wheel, and... 572 00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,788 we're lifting off! 573 00:21:19,525 --> 00:21:21,161 Don't let go. Don't let go. 574 00:21:21,228 --> 00:21:23,800 I won't. My family's on this flight. 575 00:21:24,768 --> 00:21:27,975 Annie, kids, I'm flying the plane! 576 00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:29,377 [all screaming] 577 00:21:29,410 --> 00:21:32,350 Whoa, I'll never let go! 578 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,950 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42032

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