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1
00:00:00,869 --> 00:00:05,143
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:05,177 --> 00:00:09,151
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:13,193
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:17,201
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:21,242
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,276 --> 00:00:23,781
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:23,848 --> 00:00:24,783
[laughs]
8
00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:25,919
Ooh! [growls]
9
00:00:25,952 --> 00:00:27,756
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
10
00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:29,425
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
11
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,337
Wow, Mom's got
the big earrings.
12
00:00:35,404 --> 00:00:37,141
Dad's got his jeans
without the crotch ripped--
13
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:38,310
must be going somewhere nice.
14
00:00:38,343 --> 00:00:40,147
We're having dinner
at DiMaggio's
15
00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:42,786
with Garrett and Bryce,
our friends.
16
00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:43,788
Where's Jing?
17
00:00:43,854 --> 00:00:45,290
Don't go. Play with me.
18
00:00:45,324 --> 00:00:47,228
You're too old for friends.
19
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:48,898
[grunts]
Don't worry.
20
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,000
Duncan's in charge.
21
00:00:50,067 --> 00:00:51,670
You're leaving?
22
00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:55,244
Who's gonna take care of me?
23
00:00:55,310 --> 00:00:57,414
Ugh, there's leftover mac
and cheese in the microwave.
24
00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,586
All you need to do
is press reheat.
25
00:00:59,620 --> 00:01:02,358
Whoa, whoa, you can't throw
a bunch of technical stuff
26
00:01:02,424 --> 00:01:04,596
at me on your way out the door.
27
00:01:04,630 --> 00:01:06,299
I am so screwed.
28
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,036
Got a new hole
in your crotch, Dad.
29
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,642
Damn it, I've had 'em on
five minutes.
30
00:01:12,512 --> 00:01:16,052
Now, if Jack has that hole in
his jeans, do not say anything.
31
00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:18,056
And there it is.
32
00:01:18,123 --> 00:01:20,828
Sorry we're late.
Our kids just make it
33
00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:22,832
impossible to get out the door.
34
00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:24,770
They're like helpless blobs.
35
00:01:24,836 --> 00:01:26,039
More like selfish parasites
36
00:01:26,105 --> 00:01:28,043
who suck the life out of you.
- Ah.
37
00:01:28,076 --> 00:01:29,478
See, I told you.
38
00:01:29,513 --> 00:01:31,917
He's been trying to talk me
into having kids.
39
00:01:31,984 --> 00:01:33,486
Oh, my God, you have to.
40
00:01:33,554 --> 00:01:36,660
They're gifts from heaven.
- No greater joy.
41
00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:37,729
Ah!
42
00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:39,231
So that's why you invited us
43
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:41,837
to dinner--
you want my womb for surrogacy.
44
00:01:41,904 --> 00:01:43,473
The answer is yes.
45
00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:46,614
And all of my sperm is yours, gentlemen.
46
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:50,020
We have plenty, but maybe
you could help me
47
00:01:50,053 --> 00:01:51,523
talk this guy into fatherhood.
48
00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:53,894
Eh, I'm just not ready
to give up my freedom,
49
00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:55,464
sleep, and white sofa.
50
00:01:55,497 --> 00:01:58,103
You're just afraid
you won't be good at it.
51
00:01:58,169 --> 00:02:00,207
I overheard
your Zoom therapy session.
52
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,510
What? Wear earbuds.
53
00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:03,581
I know parenting
seems like a lot of work,
54
00:02:03,614 --> 00:02:06,252
but kids are only hard
for the first couple of years,
55
00:02:06,285 --> 00:02:09,225
and then they become
totally self-sufficient.
56
00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:11,462
Mom,
I can't find my left sock.
57
00:02:11,496 --> 00:02:14,402
Dunkie, say hello
to Garrett and Bryce.
58
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,907
Hey.
Do you know where my sock is?
59
00:02:16,974 --> 00:02:20,147
I got you, buddy.
Comin' up.
60
00:02:20,213 --> 00:02:22,585
Oh, yep, there you go.
How's that feel?
61
00:02:22,619 --> 00:02:26,092
Like a shirt for my foot.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
62
00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,798
You had a spare pair of socks
on you?
63
00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:29,900
Ah, you're like Super Dad.
64
00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,135
That was impressive.
65
00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:34,241
Well, parenting's a snap when
you know what you're doing.
66
00:02:34,308 --> 00:02:37,247
[gasps]
Bryce, you can do a ride along
67
00:02:37,281 --> 00:02:39,218
with me
like that movie "Training Day,"
68
00:02:39,251 --> 00:02:40,988
but without the PCP and murder.
69
00:02:41,022 --> 00:02:42,191
That's a great idea.
70
00:02:42,257 --> 00:02:44,028
He can teach you everything
71
00:02:44,095 --> 00:02:45,832
you need to know
about being a dad.
72
00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:46,767
You should do it, hon.
73
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,973
Experience the wonder
of children firsthand.
74
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,712
Can't we just
get a fifth dog?
75
00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:54,248
Fine.
76
00:02:54,281 --> 00:02:57,121
Can I get another sock?
I stepped in lasagna.
77
00:02:57,154 --> 00:02:58,824
You already said yes.
78
00:02:58,858 --> 00:03:01,530
[birds chirping]
79
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:04,803
Get in.
80
00:03:04,903 --> 00:03:06,507
It's father-training day.
81
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,209
Now?
I thought we were gonna do that
82
00:03:08,276 --> 00:03:09,513
on a weekend or something.
83
00:03:09,546 --> 00:03:11,416
I'm piloting a flight
in two hours.
84
00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:14,221
As a dad, you're gonna have
to get used to canceling things
85
00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:17,796
last minute.
- [groans] Fine.
86
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:22,004
Hello, Delta?
It's Captain Sullenberger.
87
00:03:22,037 --> 00:03:23,440
No, the other one.
88
00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:26,680
Why do I have to learn things
89
00:03:26,714 --> 00:03:28,316
you already know
how to do for me?
90
00:03:28,349 --> 00:03:30,688
That lasagna sock
was a wake-up call.
91
00:03:30,722 --> 00:03:33,326
So I'm gonna do
a "Training Day" of my own.
92
00:03:33,393 --> 00:03:36,099
Welcome to
Annie's home ec class.
93
00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:38,938
Now stir, scoop,
blow, and taste.
94
00:03:39,004 --> 00:03:43,213
It's just mac and cheese.
I know what it tastes like.
95
00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:45,150
Oh, my God,
this is the best friggin'
96
00:03:45,217 --> 00:03:47,287
mac and cheese
I've ever had in my life.
97
00:03:47,321 --> 00:03:49,526
It's the same boxed
mac and cheese I always make.
98
00:03:49,593 --> 00:03:52,131
I think it's pride
you're tasting.
99
00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,736
Yeah, also,
you drown it in milk.
100
00:03:54,803 --> 00:03:56,072
It's basically soup.
101
00:03:56,139 --> 00:03:58,042
The point is,
you did it on your own.
102
00:03:58,042 --> 00:03:59,078
Why didn't you ever tell me
103
00:03:59,111 --> 00:04:01,449
that doing stuff for myself
would feel so good?
104
00:04:01,482 --> 00:04:04,890
I tell you that all the time.
Look at the fridge magnet.
105
00:04:06,259 --> 00:04:08,296
Yeah,
but you never read it to me.
106
00:04:08,363 --> 00:04:10,233
Never mind--
I'll do the dishes
107
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,037
so we can start
our next lesson.
108
00:04:12,070 --> 00:04:13,473
No, I'll do 'em.
109
00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:16,379
I don't like people
messing with my kitchen.
110
00:04:17,381 --> 00:04:18,884
[laughing]
111
00:04:18,951 --> 00:04:20,353
[whimpering]
112
00:04:20,387 --> 00:04:22,391
Uh-oh, pouty lower lip,
playdate gone wrong.
113
00:04:22,424 --> 00:04:24,495
Let's kick some parenting ass.
114
00:04:25,163 --> 00:04:26,466
I'm riding here.
115
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,704
What's wrong, boo boo bear?
116
00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:30,173
What? Oh, me?
117
00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:32,679
What's wrong,
young, human child?
118
00:04:32,745 --> 00:04:36,352
Well, Joey says I can't hang
with the crew if I don't lose
119
00:04:36,419 --> 00:04:38,858
my baby training wheels.
Will you teach me to ride?
120
00:04:38,891 --> 00:04:41,462
Wow, Bryce, I thought you'd
be hit with something smaller
121
00:04:41,530 --> 00:04:43,399
like skinned knee
or hungry tummy,
122
00:04:43,466 --> 00:04:46,139
but bam,
straight to rite of passage.
123
00:04:46,205 --> 00:04:47,474
Jack, your hand's bleeding.
124
00:04:47,542 --> 00:04:49,813
Yeah, dad hands do that.
125
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,115
Try and keep up, rookie.
126
00:04:51,182 --> 00:04:53,153
- [whimpering]
- Mm.
127
00:04:53,253 --> 00:04:54,421
Hoopa.
128
00:04:54,488 --> 00:04:56,392
Don't let go.
Don't let go!
129
00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:58,429
We won't.
[bike bell rings]
130
00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:00,868
Don't let go!
both: We won't!
131
00:05:00,935 --> 00:05:02,939
[both panting]
132
00:05:02,972 --> 00:05:05,010
This happened on my watch.
133
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:07,047
Boss, no!
134
00:05:07,114 --> 00:05:08,383
[bike bell rings]
135
00:05:08,449 --> 00:05:10,387
Don't let go!
both: We won't.
136
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:11,857
- [grunts]
- Don't let go.
137
00:05:11,890 --> 00:05:13,226
I won't.
138
00:05:13,259 --> 00:05:15,698
[bike bell rings]
[bulls bellowing]
139
00:05:15,731 --> 00:05:18,269
Oakdale has
a Running of the Bulls?
140
00:05:18,303 --> 00:05:21,142
We were briefly
colonized by Spain.
141
00:05:21,209 --> 00:05:23,012
[bull groans]
Ow!
142
00:05:23,046 --> 00:05:25,150
- Uh...
- Don't let go!
143
00:05:25,183 --> 00:05:26,920
[groans]
both: We already did.
144
00:05:26,954 --> 00:05:27,789
Yay!
145
00:05:27,889 --> 00:05:30,928
Whoa, Jing's kissing
the sky over here.
146
00:05:30,962 --> 00:05:34,936
- I love you, Daddy!
- That's why we do it, Bryce.
147
00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:36,138
Try not to talk, sir.
148
00:05:36,239 --> 00:05:37,876
Clear!
- [grunts]
149
00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:42,719
Okay, now, dadding a teenage
boy has its own set of rules.
150
00:05:42,785 --> 00:05:45,958
For example, never walk in
their bedroom without knocking.
151
00:05:46,058 --> 00:05:47,294
I'll show you why.
152
00:05:47,327 --> 00:05:48,797
[grunting]
153
00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:49,699
Come on. Come on.
154
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:53,206
- Hey, Dunker.
- Get out, I'm not finished!
155
00:05:53,239 --> 00:05:54,676
Oh, my God.
156
00:05:54,743 --> 00:05:57,114
Calm down--
I'm learning to sew
157
00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:58,651
and fix Dad's ripped crotches.
158
00:05:58,717 --> 00:06:00,320
It was a surprise
so I didn't have to
159
00:06:00,387 --> 00:06:01,322
buy you a birthday present.
160
00:06:01,389 --> 00:06:03,426
Wow, you did that yourself?
161
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:04,863
You're really growing up, son.
162
00:06:04,863 --> 00:06:08,069
You teach 'em to fly,
sometimes, they soar.
163
00:06:08,136 --> 00:06:10,942
Thanks, Dad.
May I hug you?
164
00:06:11,008 --> 00:06:13,681
Like you have to ask.
165
00:06:13,714 --> 00:06:14,516
That was amazing, Jack.
166
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,285
Once I knew he wasn't
masturbating,
167
00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:17,755
I really saw
the reward of parenting.
168
00:06:17,822 --> 00:06:19,526
I think I might
be ready for this.
169
00:06:19,559 --> 00:06:21,495
You won't regret it,
my friend.
170
00:06:21,530 --> 00:06:23,433
Toughest job you'll ever love.
171
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:26,105
Hi, sweetheart.
- Don't talk to me!
172
00:06:26,172 --> 00:06:27,609
You suck! Everybody sucks!
173
00:06:27,642 --> 00:06:30,915
I hate my life
and yearn for death!
174
00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:34,623
Hey,
let's go hug Duncan again.
175
00:06:34,723 --> 00:06:37,562
- Get out!
- Oh, my God!
176
00:06:41,737 --> 00:06:44,308
This seems like a private
moment for you and Kimberly.
177
00:06:44,341 --> 00:06:45,845
Maybe I should go home
and have a vasectomy.
178
00:06:45,878 --> 00:06:48,283
Don't get snipped
just 'cause you're scared.
179
00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:49,418
You need to see this.
180
00:06:49,485 --> 00:06:50,554
We're gonna have a gentle talk
181
00:06:50,588 --> 00:06:53,727
between father, daughter,
and father's guy friend.
182
00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:56,767
Hey, girl, wanna dish?
Oh, don't mind Bryce.
183
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,469
I'm just teaching him
how to parent,
184
00:06:58,537 --> 00:07:00,307
and he gonna teach me
how to fly a jet.
185
00:07:00,373 --> 00:07:01,510
I never said that.
186
00:07:01,543 --> 00:07:03,246
Tell us what happened.
187
00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:06,419
[babbling incoherently]
188
00:07:06,452 --> 00:07:08,691
Oh, no, that's terrible.
189
00:07:08,757 --> 00:07:10,393
She says
Ashley, Brooke, and Courtney
190
00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:12,197
are bullying her again.
191
00:07:12,264 --> 00:07:13,567
The ABC girls?
192
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,236
They got kicked off
of one of my flights
193
00:07:15,270 --> 00:07:16,540
for booing everyone in coach.
194
00:07:16,607 --> 00:07:20,948
- [babbling incoherently]
- You're kidding!
195
00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,887
She sat in apple juice and
now they call her Kimber-pee.
196
00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:26,292
Well, don't worry, honey.
I'll just call their parents.
197
00:07:26,359 --> 00:07:28,697
[babbles incoherently]
198
00:07:28,731 --> 00:07:31,603
[clears throat]
Um, she says she respects
199
00:07:31,670 --> 00:07:34,542
my opinion,
but is open to other ideas.
200
00:07:34,576 --> 00:07:37,147
No, I said you need to
keep your fat neck out of it.
201
00:07:37,214 --> 00:07:38,349
You can't stop these girls.
202
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,485
They pick on so many people,
203
00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:42,324
they have a bully calendar
on their phones to keep track.
204
00:07:42,357 --> 00:07:43,594
Uh, if I could jump in...
205
00:07:43,661 --> 00:07:45,731
Careful,
you're still in training.
206
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,702
Listen, I was a gay kid
in the '80s
207
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,438
who was obsessed
with Hulk Hogan.
208
00:07:49,506 --> 00:07:51,442
I drew a handlebar mustache
on my face
209
00:07:51,510 --> 00:07:54,114
and wore a yellow leotard
on picture day.
210
00:07:54,181 --> 00:07:56,452
- Ew.
- Dang, brother.
211
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,789
So I know
about being bullied.
212
00:07:57,855 --> 00:07:59,391
Really?
How'd you handle it?
213
00:07:59,425 --> 00:08:00,895
Uh, poorly.
214
00:08:00,961 --> 00:08:02,732
I ate a whole pie every night
while listening to the Smiths.
215
00:08:02,799 --> 00:08:04,769
But one day, my bullies and I
216
00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:07,875
ran into each other outside the
horrible middle school dynamic
217
00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:10,848
and got to know each other
for who we really are,
218
00:08:10,915 --> 00:08:14,188
and we all became friends.
- By the end of middle school?
219
00:08:14,254 --> 00:08:15,390
Oh, God, no.
220
00:08:15,457 --> 00:08:16,526
This is 20 years later
at a gay bar.
221
00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:19,164
Most '80s homophobia
was closet-driven.
222
00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,367
[groans]
223
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,970
We can't wait that long.
224
00:08:22,004 --> 00:08:24,542
We have to show those girls
how cool you are now.
225
00:08:24,576 --> 00:08:26,045
Oh, I'll call and tell 'em.
226
00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:27,749
[babbles incoherently]
227
00:08:27,815 --> 00:08:29,986
She says my fat neck
needs a better plan.
228
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:32,525
Well, if anyone can come up
with one, it's you, Super Dad,
229
00:08:32,592 --> 00:08:35,598
and me, the guy who stranded
200 people at the airport
230
00:08:35,664 --> 00:08:38,002
just to push a girl on a bike.
231
00:08:39,839 --> 00:08:42,678
Mia, thanks for going along
with our top-secret plan
232
00:08:42,745 --> 00:08:46,920
to win over Kimberly's bullies,
or TSPTWOKB for short.
233
00:08:46,953 --> 00:08:49,358
Yeah, I saw the logo
on the T-shirt you made me.
234
00:08:49,425 --> 00:08:50,661
Can we get this over with?
235
00:08:50,728 --> 00:08:53,534
Okay, the ABC girls
hang out here every day,
236
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,971
so Kimberly will run into them
any minute.
237
00:08:56,005 --> 00:08:57,642
Everybody got
their backstories straight?
238
00:08:57,709 --> 00:08:59,913
I am Chip, a recent divorcé
239
00:08:59,979 --> 00:09:02,652
trying to start again,
and I sleep in my car
240
00:09:02,652 --> 00:09:04,723
and I shower
in a bathroom sink.
241
00:09:04,756 --> 00:09:06,693
And I'm Darryl,
a washed-up rock star
242
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,131
and recovering heroin addict
who did time for manslaughter.
243
00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:11,570
Working at this pizza place
isn't what I want, but it's
244
00:09:11,636 --> 00:09:13,707
what I need to get joint
custody of my son, Michael.
245
00:09:13,774 --> 00:09:15,911
Mia?
- Oh, this is my actual life,
246
00:09:15,945 --> 00:09:19,318
and I'm sad about it every day.
- Ooh, that's good!
247
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:20,654
They're here. Places.
248
00:09:20,688 --> 00:09:22,759
We need a table.
My dad's rich.
249
00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:25,531
Sorry, it's gonna be
at least 30 minutes.
250
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:26,833
Some old man
left his newspaper here
251
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,004
if you wanna read it
while you wait.
252
00:09:29,071 --> 00:09:31,409
all: Aw.
253
00:09:31,475 --> 00:09:33,714
Oh, my God, Kimberly!
254
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:37,722
Lovin' your whole vibe,
girl, as always.
255
00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:40,427
all: Hmm?
- Got the VIP booth for you.
256
00:09:40,493 --> 00:09:42,030
Thanks, Mia.
Oh, hey, guys.
257
00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:44,502
I didn't know you come here
every Thursday at 6:00 p. m.
258
00:09:44,569 --> 00:09:45,905
before spitting in the samples
at Sephora.
259
00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:47,875
Wait, you two
know each other?
260
00:09:47,942 --> 00:09:49,612
That's right,
and I'm a high-schooler,
261
00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:50,614
which is dope.
262
00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:54,254
My nose ring and I think
Kimberly is hella tight.
263
00:09:54,321 --> 00:09:55,558
Hey, you guys wanna join me?
264
00:09:55,624 --> 00:09:57,027
I got free pizzas
coming my way.
265
00:09:57,093 --> 00:09:59,999
Yeah, I give her free stuff,
and as stated before,
266
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,605
I'm in high school,
which is fire.
267
00:10:02,672 --> 00:10:04,976
Yeah, sure, Kimberly!
That'd be cool.
268
00:10:05,009 --> 00:10:08,282
If my ex-wife and your
ex-bandmates could see us now,
269
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,086
Darryl...
- True that, Chip.
270
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:14,228
True... that.
271
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:18,737
The Chipotle dumpster
was a wonderland today.
272
00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,741
How often do you find
a burrito bowl
273
00:10:20,774 --> 00:10:24,716
with guacamole still on top?
274
00:10:24,782 --> 00:10:26,653
[sniffs]
What doesn't stink in here?
275
00:10:26,686 --> 00:10:29,124
I'm baking.
I made cucumber sandwiches,
276
00:10:29,158 --> 00:10:31,362
and there's cranberry scones
in the oven.
277
00:10:31,428 --> 00:10:32,732
Eat up, eat up.
278
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,270
- Yo, you're baking?
- We have an oven?
279
00:10:35,303 --> 00:10:37,742
I thought that was a TV
that always burned my hand.
280
00:10:37,809 --> 00:10:40,714
These cucumber sandwiches
are bussin'!
281
00:10:40,748 --> 00:10:42,718
The cream cheese
isn't even rancid.
282
00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,756
How'd you learn
to do all this?
283
00:10:44,789 --> 00:10:46,560
My mom's been
teaching me home ec.
284
00:10:46,593 --> 00:10:48,029
Is she taking on
other students?
285
00:10:48,062 --> 00:10:50,968
You want my mom to teach you
to cook and clean?
286
00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:53,907
I want your mom
to teach me everything.
287
00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:56,646
Let's have scones
at the banquette.
288
00:10:56,713 --> 00:10:58,449
What the hell's a banget,
289
00:10:58,517 --> 00:11:00,588
and where's our pile
of dead raccoons?
290
00:11:00,654 --> 00:11:02,625
I re-homed them
into the trash.
291
00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:03,894
They weren't sparking joy.
292
00:11:03,927 --> 00:11:05,531
It's true--
we hadn't touched those
293
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,902
dead raccoons in a year.
294
00:11:09,304 --> 00:11:11,877
Kimberly, I think because
I'm always glaring at you
295
00:11:11,910 --> 00:11:14,481
in disgust, I've never noticed
296
00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:15,818
your hair color
is really pretty.
297
00:11:15,885 --> 00:11:17,788
OMG, Brooke,
that is so sweet,
298
00:11:17,855 --> 00:11:19,592
and because you're
always glaring at me,
299
00:11:19,626 --> 00:11:21,362
I never noticed
how pretty your eyes are.
300
00:11:21,395 --> 00:11:23,266
JK, I totally noticed.
301
00:11:23,299 --> 00:11:25,270
[both laugh]
302
00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:26,873
Great JK.
303
00:11:26,940 --> 00:11:29,177
We are miracle workers, Jack.
304
00:11:29,211 --> 00:11:31,181
They should send us
to the set of "The View."
305
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:33,954
Oh, I wanna know
everything they're saying.
306
00:11:33,987 --> 00:11:36,425
I wish I was one of the
six flies on their pizza.
307
00:11:36,492 --> 00:11:38,564
[flies buzzing]
308
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:39,799
God, this place is gross.
309
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,870
Come on. We're going in.
310
00:11:41,903 --> 00:11:44,542
Well, it looks like
you're all having a good time.
311
00:11:44,576 --> 00:11:45,544
Yes, we are. Bye.
312
00:11:45,611 --> 00:11:46,780
Can I tempt you with dessert?
313
00:11:46,846 --> 00:11:48,917
The Choco-pasta's to die for.
314
00:11:48,984 --> 00:11:51,322
Ew, do we look
like we eat dessert?
315
00:11:51,355 --> 00:11:54,228
Yeah, and aren't you too old
to be enjoying working here?
316
00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:57,802
No, I'm, uh--I'm--I'm just
trying get my life together
317
00:11:57,868 --> 00:12:00,440
to get custody of my son.
- That's lame.
318
00:12:00,473 --> 00:12:01,943
Your lame.
- You hear that?
319
00:12:01,977 --> 00:12:03,614
The dessert perv
with the man boobs
320
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,517
doesn't have custody
of his son.
321
00:12:05,551 --> 00:12:07,020
[laughter]
322
00:12:07,087 --> 00:12:09,759
His body is fine.
It's called "dad bod."
323
00:12:09,826 --> 00:12:11,896
It's a thing!
- And who's this loser?
324
00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:13,834
You look like
a tired mannequin.
325
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,838
[gasps] I thought your
generation didn't body shame.
326
00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:18,376
We body shame boomers, boomer.
327
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:20,046
Boomers?
[groans]
328
00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:22,952
This old guy's having
a heart attack--gross.
329
00:12:22,985 --> 00:12:24,789
Come on, Kimberly.
Let's go to Sephora.
330
00:12:24,822 --> 00:12:26,893
[hocks up spit]
331
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,197
Sorry--but thank you!
332
00:12:29,264 --> 00:12:31,703
Once he wakes up,
clean the bathroom.
333
00:12:31,703 --> 00:12:33,974
Thanks, Darryl.
334
00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:36,846
- [laughs]
- A tired mannequin?
335
00:12:36,913 --> 00:12:39,484
That is absolutely you
in the morning.
336
00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:40,654
[laughs]
- They made fun
337
00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:43,927
of your man boobs?
I love your man boobs.
338
00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:46,231
Bloopy, bloopy, bloopy, bloopy.
- [laughs]
339
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:49,171
It's not funny!
They really hurt our feelings.
340
00:12:49,237 --> 00:12:52,444
You helped Kimberly.
You should be proud.
341
00:12:52,477 --> 00:12:53,647
I know I am.
342
00:12:53,747 --> 00:12:54,749
Bloop.
343
00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:55,884
You're gonna let a bunch
344
00:12:55,951 --> 00:12:58,757
of mean girls emasculate you?
[laughs]
345
00:12:58,824 --> 00:12:59,993
Pathetic.
[oven dings]
346
00:13:00,059 --> 00:13:01,997
Ooh, my sticky buns are done.
347
00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:04,769
You're grown men,
and they're 12.
348
00:13:04,802 --> 00:13:06,205
Let it go.
- I'm sorry.
349
00:13:06,305 --> 00:13:08,309
Jack could let it go.
He's a bigger man.
350
00:13:08,342 --> 00:13:11,549
But Darryl did not kick heroin
to put up with this.
351
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:12,652
You're not supposed to be
352
00:13:12,685 --> 00:13:13,654
picking fights
with little girls.
353
00:13:13,754 --> 00:13:16,425
You're supposed to be training
Bryce to be a dad.
354
00:13:16,492 --> 00:13:17,695
"Training Day" is over.
355
00:13:17,762 --> 00:13:19,799
It's a different
Denzel movie now--
356
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,603
"The Equalizer."
357
00:13:21,636 --> 00:13:23,740
I haven't seen this,
but I'm in.
358
00:13:23,774 --> 00:13:25,744
Ooh, this is gonna be ugly.
359
00:13:25,778 --> 00:13:27,748
The only thing worse
than a nasty tween girl
360
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,719
is a pissed-off gay man.
361
00:13:29,752 --> 00:13:31,155
Top off your Pinots?
362
00:13:31,155 --> 00:13:33,794
Thank you,
my stuper student--
363
00:13:33,827 --> 00:13:35,931
super student.
Oof!
364
00:13:35,964 --> 00:13:38,336
Maybe I should
eat some crackers.
365
00:13:38,369 --> 00:13:40,273
[laughs]
[burps]
366
00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:46,251
Let's go reclaim our dignity.
367
00:13:46,318 --> 00:13:47,320
Damn it.
368
00:13:47,387 --> 00:13:49,191
[dramatic music]
369
00:13:49,257 --> 00:13:50,828
Ah!
370
00:13:50,894 --> 00:13:53,567
♪ ♪
371
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:54,569
[whimpers]
372
00:13:54,635 --> 00:13:59,779
♪ ♪
373
00:13:59,812 --> 00:14:00,781
[record scratches]
374
00:14:00,814 --> 00:14:01,816
- [screams]
- Uh-oh.
375
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,820
[both panting]
376
00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:06,291
What is wrong with us?
They're kids!
377
00:14:06,325 --> 00:14:09,031
We should be able to take 'em.
- I'm sorry, wait.
378
00:14:09,097 --> 00:14:10,901
Did you think we were gonna
fight these little girls?
379
00:14:10,968 --> 00:14:13,005
No! Did you?
380
00:14:13,072 --> 00:14:14,642
I wish someone would.
381
00:14:14,675 --> 00:14:15,778
Why are you
in the boys' room?
382
00:14:15,844 --> 00:14:18,750
It's the only safe place
to hide from the mean girls.
383
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,019
I thought you guys were all--
384
00:14:20,053 --> 00:14:21,856
[mocking voice]
"Oh, we're so close.
385
00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:23,025
"Let's braid
each other's hair and...
386
00:14:23,092 --> 00:14:24,529
[normal voice]
"Verbally our father
387
00:14:24,595 --> 00:14:25,597
and his best friend!"
388
00:14:25,697 --> 00:14:28,002
I decided I just couldn't
hang with kids who said
389
00:14:28,069 --> 00:14:30,641
such hurtful things
to two men I love and admire.
390
00:14:30,708 --> 00:14:32,277
Uh-huh, what really happened?
391
00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:34,281
Fine.
They wanted me to bully kids
392
00:14:34,347 --> 00:14:36,251
with them, and when I said no,
they went back
393
00:14:36,285 --> 00:14:38,222
to calling me Kimber-pee.
- You know what?
394
00:14:38,255 --> 00:14:39,892
I do wanna beat up
those little girls.
395
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:40,894
[phone chimes]
- Looks like they have
396
00:14:40,961 --> 00:14:42,263
a full day of terror planned.
397
00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:43,633
I'm still synced
to their bully calendar.
398
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:44,802
They forgot to take me off.
399
00:14:44,869 --> 00:14:48,342
So you know what they're
gonna do before they do it?
400
00:14:48,375 --> 00:14:51,816
That means we can stop every
mean thing they have planned,
401
00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:54,387
and no innocent kid
or full-grown man
402
00:14:54,421 --> 00:14:56,125
will ever have to
fear them again.
403
00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:58,129
Sounds like a plan to me!
404
00:14:58,129 --> 00:14:59,999
Lil Joey,
this isn't your school.
405
00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,402
I don't like
to take dumps there.
406
00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:04,307
Those tiny toilets can't hold
what Joey's got to give 'em.
407
00:15:04,408 --> 00:15:07,113
Hey, can one of yous
drop me off at the track?
408
00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:12,825
[hip-hop music]
409
00:15:12,858 --> 00:15:15,731
Operation Bully Block begins.
410
00:15:15,764 --> 00:15:17,133
I've got chills.
411
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,972
Okay, 1:00 p. m.,
spray paint Wesley M.'s locker.
412
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:23,647
[school bell rings]
Here they come--right on time.
413
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,349
[all laugh]
414
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,187
[laughs]
415
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:29,525
- Hmm.
- Hey, I read somewhere
416
00:15:29,559 --> 00:15:31,763
that kid's freaking cool.
417
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:34,267
Yeah.
[camera shutter clicks]
418
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,506
Well, I had a good run.
419
00:15:38,142 --> 00:15:41,048
[cheers and applause]
420
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:43,085
[all laugh]
421
00:15:43,152 --> 00:15:46,425
[dance music playing]
422
00:15:46,492 --> 00:15:47,160
♪ ♪
423
00:15:47,193 --> 00:15:48,763
[suspenseful music sting]
424
00:15:48,797 --> 00:15:50,299
Mm-hmm.
425
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,903
[grunts]
426
00:15:51,903 --> 00:15:53,305
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
427
00:15:53,339 --> 00:15:56,044
Timothée Chalamet?
What are you doing here?
428
00:15:56,111 --> 00:15:58,048
Asking you to dance.
429
00:15:58,115 --> 00:16:00,587
[cheers and applause]
430
00:16:00,654 --> 00:16:02,123
[all gasp]
431
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:03,960
Huh?
[all grunt]
432
00:16:04,027 --> 00:16:09,304
[screaming]
433
00:16:09,371 --> 00:16:10,707
Oh!
434
00:16:10,774 --> 00:16:11,943
Waah!
435
00:16:11,976 --> 00:16:15,449
Whoo-hoo!
Oh.
436
00:16:15,483 --> 00:16:16,886
[all cheer]
437
00:16:16,953 --> 00:16:20,359
Who keeps blocking us?
My dad's rich.
438
00:16:20,426 --> 00:16:22,731
All right, let's see what's
on the bully calendar next.
439
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,535
Hit Cooper with basketball.
440
00:16:24,602 --> 00:16:26,338
Oh!
441
00:16:26,371 --> 00:16:28,075
Okay,
didn't get to that one in time.
442
00:16:28,142 --> 00:16:29,912
[gasps]
Wait, there's something huge.
443
00:16:29,979 --> 00:16:31,081
"Friday, after gym class,
444
00:16:31,148 --> 00:16:32,618
our biggest,
meanest prank ever."
445
00:16:32,651 --> 00:16:35,323
Meaner than trying to drown
someone with a broken leg?
446
00:16:35,389 --> 00:16:36,759
We should call the police, Jack.
447
00:16:36,826 --> 00:16:37,895
I'm fearing for our lives.
448
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:40,132
I thought
you wanted to be a dad.
449
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,738
No, I'm on the fence.
I've been saying that.
450
00:16:42,805 --> 00:16:44,842
[controller buttons clicking]
451
00:16:44,909 --> 00:16:46,011
Feet up.
Feet up.
452
00:16:46,111 --> 00:16:47,948
[vacuum whirring]
453
00:16:47,982 --> 00:16:49,852
Get out of the way!
454
00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:51,689
Humiliating defeat,
455
00:16:51,723 --> 00:16:52,958
life wasted.
456
00:16:52,992 --> 00:16:54,361
This place is filthy.
457
00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:57,467
Why aren't you wearing
the paper booties I put out?
458
00:16:57,535 --> 00:16:58,770
Sorry, Mom.
459
00:16:58,870 --> 00:17:00,841
That's some way to talk to me
460
00:17:00,874 --> 00:17:02,645
after I made you pumpkin bread.
461
00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:05,951
I'm tired of being overworked
and underappreciated.
462
00:17:06,018 --> 00:17:07,555
What do you want? Sex?
463
00:17:07,588 --> 00:17:10,126
I want you guys to clean up
after yourselves.
464
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,198
- Okay, we're out.
- Grab the pumpkin bread.
465
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,004
- [grumbling]
- [gasps]
466
00:17:16,071 --> 00:17:17,641
[vacuum whirring]
467
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:22,383
Oh, look at this
cute mother of pearl spoon
468
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,724
and this dream catcher.
I think I'm gonna buy these...
469
00:17:25,791 --> 00:17:28,028
- [gasps]
- On Amazon later.
470
00:17:28,128 --> 00:17:31,502
Thank you!
Your store is so cute.
471
00:17:31,536 --> 00:17:34,207
Good thing I sell cocaine
out the back.
472
00:17:34,274 --> 00:17:37,313
There you are!
Mrs. H, we got a situation.
473
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:40,386
Duncan's acting all
responsible, and it sucks!
474
00:17:40,419 --> 00:17:43,359
Sorry, Bex, but after
15 years of babying Duncan,
475
00:17:43,425 --> 00:17:45,831
I'm finally
enjoying some me time.
476
00:17:45,897 --> 00:17:47,233
I just almost bought something.
477
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,603
Now, if you'll excuse us,
478
00:17:48,637 --> 00:17:51,441
Annie and I are off
to the desert to do ayahuasca.
479
00:17:51,475 --> 00:17:52,343
We are?
480
00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:53,914
You said I could
choose the next thing.
481
00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:55,283
We want Dirty D back,
482
00:17:55,316 --> 00:17:57,120
so we're asking you
to make like a mother
483
00:17:57,153 --> 00:18:00,092
and sacrifice your happiness
for a bunch of damn kids.
484
00:18:00,159 --> 00:18:03,165
No, I want Duncan to grow up
to be self-sufficient,
485
00:18:03,265 --> 00:18:04,267
and I wanna day drink.
486
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:07,708
Ugh, we all do,
but if you don't get him back
487
00:18:07,775 --> 00:18:09,044
to being an incompetent goof,
488
00:18:09,144 --> 00:18:11,181
we're gonna cut
his tidy ass loose.
489
00:18:11,214 --> 00:18:12,216
So what's it gonna be?
490
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:15,557
Do you want a helpless kid
or a friendless kid?
491
00:18:15,590 --> 00:18:16,726
Yikes.
492
00:18:18,596 --> 00:18:22,003
Gym lets out in 15 minutes,
and I can't find any signs
493
00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:23,072
of the biggest,
meanest prank ever.
494
00:18:23,172 --> 00:18:25,209
Did you check for super glue
on the toilet seats?
495
00:18:25,276 --> 00:18:26,980
- Duh, yeah.
- Did you inspect the shampoo
496
00:18:27,046 --> 00:18:28,783
for Nair and the lockers
for murder hornets?
497
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:29,585
- Obvi.
- Did you check
498
00:18:29,652 --> 00:18:31,054
the tampon dispenser
for dynamite?
499
00:18:31,121 --> 00:18:33,058
- No!
- Ugh, you're not thinking
500
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,697
like a 12-year-old girl.
Come on, Bryce.
501
00:18:37,066 --> 00:18:38,369
All right,
I'll do a dynamite sweep.
502
00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:40,707
You check the towels
for itching powder.
503
00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,076
Busted.
504
00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,280
Nuh-uh. You're busted.
505
00:18:44,347 --> 00:18:46,786
You're not pranking
anyone today.
506
00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:49,257
Uh-huh. Hello, police?
507
00:18:49,324 --> 00:18:51,395
There's two old creeps
in the girls' locker room.
508
00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:52,397
One barely fits in his shirt,
509
00:18:52,463 --> 00:18:55,336
and the other looks like
an alcoholic weatherman.
510
00:18:55,403 --> 00:18:58,543
[both gasp]
- [laughs]
511
00:18:58,543 --> 00:18:59,444
[grunts]
512
00:18:59,477 --> 00:19:01,448
Once the cops hear
our explanation,
513
00:19:01,481 --> 00:19:03,687
I think we'll still
be in trouble.
514
00:19:05,356 --> 00:19:07,327
Wow,
you were thirsty, Arthur.
515
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,132
Dunkie, you know how much
I enjoy walking in your room
516
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:12,403
and not gagging
from a wall of stench.
517
00:19:12,504 --> 00:19:14,174
- I do.
- But you gotta bring back
518
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,011
the funk, Dunk.
- Huh?
519
00:19:16,078 --> 00:19:18,516
The truth is--
[sighs]
520
00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:22,023
[robotically] I love housework
and miss doing it.
521
00:19:22,090 --> 00:19:23,560
Well, we can do it together.
522
00:19:23,626 --> 00:19:25,162
[robotically]
No, it must be me,
523
00:19:25,229 --> 00:19:26,498
and me alone.
524
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,772
It is my identity.
I am nothing without it.
525
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:31,241
Yeah, that's true.
526
00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:33,012
You don't have
a lot else going on.
527
00:19:33,112 --> 00:19:35,383
Oh, here.
528
00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:37,286
I was gonna clean
the toilet next,
529
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,157
but I can see
how much it means to you.
530
00:19:39,224 --> 00:19:40,359
Thanks for taking the time
531
00:19:40,393 --> 00:19:42,030
to teach me
all those life skills, Mom.
532
00:19:42,096 --> 00:19:43,633
Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.
533
00:19:43,666 --> 00:19:46,271
Maybe I'll use them again,
but doubtful.
534
00:19:46,304 --> 00:19:47,473
The next woman in my life
535
00:19:47,541 --> 00:19:50,547
will probably wanna
take care of me too.
536
00:19:50,614 --> 00:19:53,052
[sighs]
I could be flying on ayahuasca
537
00:19:53,085 --> 00:19:54,154
in the desert right now.
538
00:19:54,254 --> 00:19:57,795
Well, looks like Darryl
and Chip are sex offenders.
539
00:19:57,828 --> 00:20:00,767
That's why you always have
backstories and fake IDs.
540
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,540
How the hell did
those mean girls find us out?
541
00:20:03,573 --> 00:20:06,411
Maybe 'cause you kept peeking
around corners and high-fiving?
542
00:20:06,445 --> 00:20:07,614
Sorry I let you down, honey.
543
00:20:07,715 --> 00:20:10,554
I really wanted those girls to
see what a great kid you are.
544
00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:12,758
Don't need 'em.
I made real friends.
545
00:20:12,825 --> 00:20:13,626
Yeah.
546
00:20:13,693 --> 00:20:15,564
My mom says
you're too old for me,
547
00:20:15,597 --> 00:20:17,500
but she doesn't know
what you smell like.
548
00:20:17,568 --> 00:20:20,206
Besides, you got nothing
to feel bad about.
549
00:20:20,272 --> 00:20:21,809
I'm lucky to have a dad
who cares so much
550
00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:24,280
and a Bryce who would
definitely make a great father.
551
00:20:24,314 --> 00:20:25,550
I'm not afraid, Jack.
552
00:20:25,584 --> 00:20:28,188
I'm ready for the toughest job
I'll ever love.
553
00:20:28,222 --> 00:20:29,357
[pants rip]
Oh!
554
00:20:29,424 --> 00:20:32,196
The crotch of my jeans,
it just ripped.
555
00:20:32,263 --> 00:20:34,769
Welcome to the club, Dad.
556
00:20:34,835 --> 00:20:35,771
Ah!
557
00:20:35,937 --> 00:20:39,444
This is your life now.
We'll never leave you alone!
558
00:20:39,477 --> 00:20:41,949
[all scream]
- Let's kick tween ass.
559
00:20:41,983 --> 00:20:44,287
[all screaming]
560
00:20:48,295 --> 00:20:49,230
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
561
00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:51,268
and welcome aboard.
I'm Captain Sullenberger,
562
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,575
your pilot and new dad!
- I'm his husband. Me!
563
00:20:54,608 --> 00:20:57,280
Baby was my idea--
had to talk him into it.
564
00:20:57,346 --> 00:20:59,652
Will you guys
excuse me a minute?
565
00:21:01,154 --> 00:21:03,693
Okay, Bryce,
time to teach me to fly.
566
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,463
- Still never said that.
- Come on, man.
567
00:21:05,496 --> 00:21:08,001
I Denzel'd you into daddyhood.
568
00:21:08,035 --> 00:21:11,074
Switch, switch!
- Okay.
569
00:21:11,108 --> 00:21:13,045
This is the thrust lever.
570
00:21:13,112 --> 00:21:14,214
[engines thrum, tires squeal]
571
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,318
Now take the wheel, and...
572
00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,788
we're lifting off!
573
00:21:19,525 --> 00:21:21,161
Don't let go. Don't let go.
574
00:21:21,228 --> 00:21:23,800
I won't.
My family's on this flight.
575
00:21:24,768 --> 00:21:27,975
Annie, kids,
I'm flying the plane!
576
00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:29,377
[all screaming]
577
00:21:29,410 --> 00:21:32,350
Whoa, I'll never let go!
578
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,950
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