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1
00:00:48,001 --> 00:00:49,904
Who's there?!
2
00:00:55,676 --> 00:00:58,177
My tooth! Aa-hh!
3
00:00:58,178 --> 00:01:01,194
What the fuck?
4
00:01:22,202 --> 00:01:25,206
Ow!What the fuck?
5
00:01:37,150 --> 00:01:40,253
Oh, Jesus Christ! That is so vile.Ugh.
6
00:01:40,254 --> 00:01:42,758
I'm sorry!
7
00:01:44,758 --> 00:01:46,673
I'm so sorry!
8
00:02:00,673 --> 00:02:02,542
"Some say the earth
will end in fire.
9
00:02:02,543 --> 00:02:04,277
Others, in ice.
10
00:02:04,278 --> 00:02:06,279
From what I've tasted
of desire,
11
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,814
i hold with those
who favor fire..."
12
00:02:08,815 --> 00:02:13,286
"Some women prefer white men,
others prefer Asian.
13
00:02:13,287 --> 00:02:16,222
I, however, prefer
the underage, dark-skinned boys
14
00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:18,758
who play basketball
and listen to Chris brown."
15
00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:20,730
- Excuse me?
- I didn't say anything.
16
00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:25,331
Marry me.
17
00:02:25,332 --> 00:02:28,039
Change me.
18
00:02:32,039 --> 00:02:33,906
Marry me.
19
00:02:33,907 --> 00:02:36,342
No, seriously, change me.
20
00:02:36,343 --> 00:02:39,047
I think I just soiled my pants.
21
00:02:41,047 --> 00:02:43,349
Do you want the bears
or the bunnies?
22
00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:44,817
Uh, bunnies are good.
23
00:02:44,818 --> 00:02:47,653
- Ahem--
- grandma?
24
00:02:47,654 --> 00:02:50,656
Wow, what are you doing here?
25
00:02:50,657 --> 00:02:53,595
Grandma, I want you to
meet my boyfriend Edward.
26
00:02:54,595 --> 00:02:57,028
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
27
00:02:57,029 --> 00:03:00,068
Oh...
28
00:03:01,068 --> 00:03:02,369
Yes.
Hello, grandma.
29
00:03:03,369 --> 00:03:03,869
Ah-hh.
30
00:03:07,173 --> 00:03:10,010
Oh-hh!
31
00:03:11,044 --> 00:03:14,116
No teeth.
32
00:03:16,116 --> 00:03:18,350
- Oh God.
- Ah, yeah.
33
00:03:18,351 --> 00:03:21,021
- Ah, yeah.
- No.
34
00:03:33,333 --> 00:03:35,266
Hey, sweetheart.
35
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:38,270
Looks like somebody got in
a little late last night.
36
00:03:38,271 --> 00:03:40,772
Actually, I got in
at exactly 8:00.
37
00:03:40,773 --> 00:03:42,675
So, what, Edward's trying
to brown-nose me now?
38
00:03:42,676 --> 00:03:45,211
- What?
- Got a surprise for you, sweetheart.
39
00:03:45,212 --> 00:03:48,250
Look who's gonna be staying
with us for a few weeks.
40
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:52,451
- Grandma?
- Yeah.
41
00:03:52,452 --> 00:03:56,821
Yeah, grandma thought she'd
come out and see you graduate.
42
00:03:56,822 --> 00:03:58,927
- Oh no.
- Oh hey, bell.
43
00:04:00,927 --> 00:04:03,336
Who's your vampire, huh?
Yeah!
44
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,202
Hey.
45
00:04:11,203 --> 00:04:12,403
Good morning, sweetheart.
46
00:04:12,404 --> 00:04:15,741
Ooh, looks like somebody got
in a little late last night.
47
00:04:15,742 --> 00:04:18,044
Actually, dad, I got in
exactly at 8:00.
48
00:04:18,045 --> 00:04:20,445
So, what, Edward's trying
to brown-nose me now?
49
00:04:20,446 --> 00:04:22,714
You know, dad?
Let's just move on.
50
00:04:22,715 --> 00:04:24,384
Look, uh,
51
00:04:25,384 --> 00:04:26,745
you know why
I grounded you, right?
52
00:04:27,386 --> 00:04:30,255
Because I suggested the features that
made Facebook as lame as MySpace?
53
00:04:30,256 --> 00:04:33,025
- What?
- Because I've been asleep for three movies?
54
00:04:33,026 --> 00:04:35,428
- What?
- Or was it because I accidentally trapped
55
00:04:35,429 --> 00:04:37,430
those 33 Chileans in a mine
for over a month?
56
00:04:37,431 --> 00:04:39,911
No no. It's because I wanted
separation between you and Edward.
57
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,400
Dad, there's nothing
you can say.
58
00:04:42,401 --> 00:04:44,372
- Edward's in my life.
- Hello.
59
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:48,175
Yeah, I gathered that.
60
00:04:49,175 --> 00:04:49,815
All right, look,
61
00:04:50,376 --> 00:04:52,478
I'll make you a deal.
62
00:04:52,479 --> 00:04:54,145
You're not grounded anymore
63
00:04:54,146 --> 00:04:57,983
if you use some
of your newfound freedom
64
00:04:57,984 --> 00:05:00,219
to spend some time
with your other friends too.
65
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:02,122
Like Jacob.
66
00:05:03,122 --> 00:05:05,423
Honey, he's going through
a real rough time now.
67
00:05:05,424 --> 00:05:07,429
His dad's worried about him.
68
00:05:09,429 --> 00:05:11,162
I remember when that was you.
69
00:05:11,163 --> 00:05:14,001
You needed a friend,
Jake was there.
70
00:05:15,001 --> 00:05:16,402
Not to mention
that they're turning
71
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,503
that Indian reservation
into a casino.
72
00:05:18,504 --> 00:05:21,207
Honey, you could marry
into a ton of cash.
73
00:05:21,208 --> 00:05:23,976
Then you could finally buy your
old man three taiwanese hookers.
74
00:05:23,977 --> 00:05:26,746
- What?
- Two taiwanese hookers?
75
00:05:26,747 --> 00:05:29,054
- Ugh.
- I'm good with one. Not selfish.
76
00:05:35,054 --> 00:05:38,323
Welcome to the official
Jacob fan club hotline!
77
00:05:38,324 --> 00:05:40,392
Unfortunately,
due to heavy call volume,
78
00:05:40,393 --> 00:05:43,529
the hold time
is exceptionally long.
79
00:05:43,530 --> 00:05:45,498
But if you leave
your name after the beep,
80
00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:47,968
we'll be sure
to get back to you!
81
00:05:50,102 --> 00:05:52,372
Jacob hadn't talked
to me in weeks.
82
00:05:53,372 --> 00:05:55,508
I wanted to fix it, but...
83
00:05:55,509 --> 00:05:58,480
He just wouldn't
give me a chance.
84
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,950
♪ I'm fallin' so fast ♪
85
00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:09,522
♪ you are where I wanna be ♪
86
00:06:09,523 --> 00:06:13,793
♪ slow down and wait for ♪
87
00:06:13,794 --> 00:06:17,571
♪ you to take this earth
from me ♪
88
00:06:24,571 --> 00:06:29,876
♪ these wounds are deep and
my lungs are filling up... ♪
89
00:06:54,568 --> 00:06:56,234
Going to the reservation?
90
00:06:56,235 --> 00:06:58,537
What?
91
00:06:58,538 --> 00:07:01,606
No. I am going to the--
the cheese store.
92
00:07:01,607 --> 00:07:04,577
There-- they-- they
have this new camembert
93
00:07:04,578 --> 00:07:06,547
that's supposed
to be--
94
00:07:08,547 --> 00:07:10,985
that's some sexy cheese.
95
00:07:12,985 --> 00:07:15,186
Yep.
96
00:07:15,187 --> 00:07:17,923
Edward's been having a tough
time trusting me as of late,
97
00:07:17,924 --> 00:07:21,025
and I wasn't exactly sure why.
98
00:07:21,026 --> 00:07:24,630
Maybe it was because he saw me
take a 20 out of his wallet.
99
00:07:24,631 --> 00:07:26,599
Or maybe it was because
he caught me
100
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,635
giving oral
at the dancing bear party.
101
00:07:29,636 --> 00:07:32,206
I don't know.
I just don't get it.
102
00:07:33,206 --> 00:07:37,879
♪ Waiting for you to speak ♪
103
00:07:38,879 --> 00:07:40,579
♪ I feel-- ♪
104
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:41,419
You mind?
105
00:07:46,419 --> 00:07:49,455
So we spotted Bella
and Edward together again.
106
00:07:49,456 --> 00:07:53,192
And according to them, they
swear they're not an item.
107
00:07:53,193 --> 00:07:57,198
Whatevs. He's so dropping
his nuts in her mouth.
108
00:07:58,198 --> 00:08:00,367
As opposed to dropping them
on her chest.
109
00:08:04,271 --> 00:08:05,911
Well, wouldn't that
make them "chestnuts"?
110
00:08:12,545 --> 00:08:15,614
Sorry, Harry, blond dude's
nuts joke was better!
111
00:08:15,615 --> 00:08:19,118
Hey, so what's the deal guys?
You together or what?
112
00:08:19,119 --> 00:08:22,587
Come on, you got die-hard fans.
They wanna know what's going on.
113
00:08:22,588 --> 00:08:25,524
Bella, is Edward well-hung
or does he have a tiny penis?
114
00:08:25,525 --> 00:08:27,626
That is wildly inappropriate.
115
00:08:27,627 --> 00:08:30,628
Well what about Bella, Edward?
Does she have a large vagina?
116
00:08:30,629 --> 00:08:33,265
Whoa, that too is
incredibly inappropriate.
117
00:08:33,266 --> 00:08:35,305
It's huge.
118
00:08:38,305 --> 00:08:40,272
T-shirts!
Get your t-shirts right here.
119
00:08:40,273 --> 00:08:42,174
Join team Edward today.
120
00:08:42,175 --> 00:08:43,536
We got 25% off
for all new members.
121
00:08:44,377 --> 00:08:45,477
There you go, sweetheart.
122
00:08:45,478 --> 00:08:47,278
We got buttons.
We got pins.
123
00:08:47,279 --> 00:08:49,080
We got notebooks.
We got underwear.
124
00:08:49,081 --> 00:08:52,216
We got socks, t-shirts, sneakers,
we got whatever you want.
125
00:08:52,217 --> 00:08:53,097
All right, here we go.
126
00:08:55,488 --> 00:08:56,688
I've decided to throw a party.
127
00:08:57,389 --> 00:08:59,657
After all, how many times do we
get to graduate high school?
128
00:08:59,658 --> 00:09:01,727
Hmm.
Another party, Alice?
129
00:09:01,728 --> 00:09:04,997
It'll be fun. We'll have a
chalupa truck, a petting zoo...
130
00:09:04,998 --> 00:09:06,431
And we'll drink some blood.
131
00:09:06,432 --> 00:09:08,672
- What?
- Huh?
132
00:09:13,672 --> 00:09:15,711
Oh, look who's in town.
133
00:09:18,711 --> 00:09:20,211
There's no one there.
134
00:09:20,212 --> 00:09:23,253
Look again.
135
00:09:27,253 --> 00:09:29,624
Aw-ww, who are they?
136
00:09:31,624 --> 00:09:33,758
The little cullens.
137
00:09:33,759 --> 00:09:35,728
They're little versions of us.
138
00:09:35,729 --> 00:09:38,564
They swoop into towns
after we've left them behind
139
00:09:38,565 --> 00:09:41,603
and pick up all
the emotionally-wounded scraps.
140
00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:50,780
Don't look now, bell, but little
Edward is totally eyeing you.
141
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:12,403
- Little Edward.
- Edward.
142
00:10:16,403 --> 00:10:18,637
We have a pact,
you little putz.
143
00:10:18,638 --> 00:10:21,073
You're not supposed to be
within 100 Miles of me.
144
00:10:21,074 --> 00:10:24,042
I'm well aware of that,
but I don't give a crap.
145
00:10:24,043 --> 00:10:25,710
I'm hot for Bella.
146
00:10:25,711 --> 00:10:29,147
She's one hot piece of ass.
147
00:10:29,148 --> 00:10:31,286
See?
148
00:10:33,286 --> 00:10:35,523
You're just jealous
'cause Bella wants me.
149
00:10:37,523 --> 00:10:39,692
- Little Jasper.
- Jasper.
150
00:10:40,692 --> 00:10:42,531
You never answered
any of my calls.
151
00:10:44,531 --> 00:10:46,665
- I miss you.
- You were stalking me.
152
00:10:46,666 --> 00:10:50,710
- I miss your scent. I miss your forehead.
- I miss everything.
153
00:10:57,710 --> 00:11:00,079
Edward seemed a little uneasy
154
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,848
about the arrival
of the little cullens.
155
00:11:01,849 --> 00:11:05,617
From what I was told, they always
seem to put him in a weird place.
156
00:11:05,618 --> 00:11:08,152
He just wasn't acting
like himself.
157
00:11:08,153 --> 00:11:11,091
It was making me nervous.
158
00:11:12,091 --> 00:11:16,144
But nothing outweighed
the disdain he had for Jacob.
159
00:11:32,144 --> 00:11:33,581
Don't let him touch you.
160
00:11:35,581 --> 00:11:37,815
I measured it off
at 6 3/4" this morning.
161
00:11:37,816 --> 00:11:39,785
- What?
- Huh?
162
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,487
Where have you been?
163
00:11:41,488 --> 00:11:42,388
Hanging out at home.
164
00:11:43,388 --> 00:11:46,759
While you were hanging out at home,
the guys spotted your ginger.
165
00:11:47,759 --> 00:11:50,829
Victoria.
Alice's vision.
166
00:11:50,830 --> 00:11:53,397
- I was trying to protect you.
- By lying to me?
167
00:11:53,398 --> 00:11:55,566
See, that's what you get
with these vampires.
168
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:57,569
With me, you get so much more.
169
00:11:57,570 --> 00:12:00,873
You get honesty and 8 3/4".
170
00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:03,541
I thought you said
you were 6 3/4".
171
00:12:03,542 --> 00:12:05,880
I lied.
172
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,848
- I need to talk to him.
- I don't trust him.
173
00:12:09,849 --> 00:12:13,225
Don't worry.
He's a great driver.
174
00:12:20,225 --> 00:12:22,161
Okay.
175
00:12:22,162 --> 00:12:24,396
Lose the grin, Jake. We're
just going for a ride.
176
00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:26,834
Damn right we are.
Watch your leg.
177
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,801
Oh!
Hold on.
178
00:12:29,802 --> 00:12:31,836
I got my pant leg caught.
Oh, there we go.
179
00:12:31,837 --> 00:12:33,538
- You ready now?
- Yeah, yeah.
180
00:12:33,539 --> 00:12:35,541
All right, here we go.
Ow!
181
00:12:35,542 --> 00:12:37,547
- You okay?
- Yeah, hop off, hop off.
182
00:12:40,547 --> 00:12:42,748
- Hey, can you help?
- Sorry.
183
00:12:42,749 --> 00:12:45,619
Ah, rats.
184
00:12:47,619 --> 00:12:50,656
I got the corn dog, so you're
good with this, right?
185
00:12:50,657 --> 00:12:53,860
I knew it.
How was school today?
186
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:56,961
It hasn't started yet.
187
00:12:56,962 --> 00:12:59,866
Oh, mother of pearl,
this is heavy.
188
00:13:00,866 --> 00:13:02,667
Is this bike made of bricks?
189
00:13:02,668 --> 00:13:04,969
Light a fire under your ass.
Let's move!
190
00:13:04,970 --> 00:13:06,738
Okay.
191
00:13:06,739 --> 00:13:09,474
That first mile,
there were a lot of snakes.
192
00:13:09,475 --> 00:13:11,843
Like, I mean, an ungodly
amount of snakes.
193
00:13:11,844 --> 00:13:14,979
I can't believe that. Just leave
that there if you want to.
194
00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:16,848
Hey-- hey
hey hey hey.
195
00:13:16,849 --> 00:13:19,984
Are you all right?
196
00:13:19,985 --> 00:13:22,691
It's okay, she didn't mean it.
197
00:13:25,691 --> 00:13:27,897
Be back to take care
of you later.
198
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:33,632
Hey, are you sure
it's cool that I'm here?
199
00:13:33,633 --> 00:13:35,734
I mean, I'm not a werewolf.
200
00:13:35,735 --> 00:13:38,903
You worry too much.
Of course.
201
00:13:38,904 --> 00:13:40,772
Ah, look who's back.
202
00:13:40,773 --> 00:13:42,674
What up, bell?
203
00:13:42,675 --> 00:13:46,279
- Quiel, you too?
- Yup, finally made the pack.
204
00:13:47,279 --> 00:13:51,249
No thanks.
I'm good.
205
00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:53,852
Glad you're here, Bella.
Now we can finally get a break
206
00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:57,256
- from Jacob constantly humping the pool heater.
- Not to mention the mattress.
207
00:13:57,257 --> 00:13:59,258
- Don't forget the fresh cantaloupe.
- Oh, yeah.
208
00:13:59,259 --> 00:14:01,325
It's his way of imprinting.
209
00:14:01,326 --> 00:14:05,631
What? It just feels
really good, okay?
210
00:14:05,632 --> 00:14:07,510
Yeah, it does, right?
211
00:14:18,510 --> 00:14:20,344
So, what's this whole
212
00:14:20,345 --> 00:14:22,281
"imprinting" thing?
213
00:14:22,282 --> 00:14:24,051
Imprinting.
214
00:14:25,051 --> 00:14:26,921
Uh...
215
00:14:28,921 --> 00:14:33,458
Imprinting is when you see her.
216
00:14:33,459 --> 00:14:34,725
And...
217
00:14:34,726 --> 00:14:37,595
Just everything changes.
218
00:14:37,596 --> 00:14:41,065
It's no longer gravity that's
keeping you on the planet.
219
00:14:41,066 --> 00:14:44,969
It's simply her.
220
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:47,375
And nothing else matters.
221
00:14:50,375 --> 00:14:51,680
Sounds like
you know the feeling.
222
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,614
Have you ever, um,
223
00:14:55,615 --> 00:14:58,316
imprinted on anyone?
224
00:14:58,317 --> 00:15:00,855
I imprinted on my face
first thing this morning.
225
00:15:02,855 --> 00:15:06,090
Now look at this little guy
we've got here.
226
00:15:06,091 --> 00:15:08,696
Jacob, Edward's going to
change me after graduation.
227
00:15:10,696 --> 00:15:12,864
What?
228
00:15:12,865 --> 00:15:15,499
- You knew this was coming.
- Not in a month or--
229
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,140
before you even lived.
Or I had the chance
230
00:15:17,369 --> 00:15:19,705
to imprint over the great abs
you've got there.
231
00:15:19,706 --> 00:15:20,986
My God! Would you
look at the ass
232
00:15:21,374 --> 00:15:22,641
on that sweet bitch?!
233
00:15:22,642 --> 00:15:24,479
I would tear that shit up
in two seconds.
234
00:15:26,479 --> 00:15:28,479
Jacob, I know that this
hurts right now,
235
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:32,084
but in time,
you'll forget about me.
236
00:15:32,085 --> 00:15:34,786
Jacob?
237
00:15:34,787 --> 00:15:37,023
- Jake!
- I've got a six-pack.
238
00:15:38,023 --> 00:15:40,658
I was just saying,
239
00:15:40,659 --> 00:15:41,899
in time,
you'll forget about me.
240
00:15:44,696 --> 00:15:46,931
Bella...
241
00:15:46,932 --> 00:15:49,369
You really have no idea
242
00:15:50,369 --> 00:15:52,042
how much you mean to me.
243
00:15:57,042 --> 00:15:58,744
Ah!
244
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:03,415
Don't touch me.
245
00:16:03,416 --> 00:16:06,086
I just imprinted in my pants.
246
00:17:32,772 --> 00:17:33,979
Oh, Frank.
247
00:17:51,924 --> 00:17:55,193
You know, Edward could
at least respect meal times.
248
00:17:55,194 --> 00:17:57,762
- I was with Jake.
- Oh.
249
00:17:57,763 --> 00:18:00,698
Dad, what is on your face?
250
00:18:00,699 --> 00:18:02,504
What?
251
00:18:04,504 --> 00:18:07,138
Hey, Gary Coleman's cock.
252
00:18:07,139 --> 00:18:09,107
Hey.
253
00:18:09,108 --> 00:18:11,176
Do you understand
how worried I've been?
254
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:13,211
I was perfectly safe.
255
00:18:13,212 --> 00:18:16,549
I almost broke the treaty and had
to cancel my blow-dry appoint--
256
00:18:20,019 --> 00:18:23,989
oh, God-- sorry, I know.
I smell like dog semen.
257
00:18:23,990 --> 00:18:27,069
No, something's wrong.
258
00:18:37,069 --> 00:18:40,004
Edward, what's wrong?
259
00:18:40,005 --> 00:18:41,673
Someone's been in here...
260
00:18:41,674 --> 00:18:43,748
And he hijacked
your "ebony thunder."
261
00:18:52,752 --> 00:18:55,720
- Who was it? Someone we know?
- Just a stranger.
262
00:18:55,721 --> 00:18:59,157
I didn't recognize his scent,
but it was intoxicating.
263
00:18:59,158 --> 00:19:01,025
A nomad just passing through?
264
00:19:01,026 --> 00:19:03,595
A passerby wouldn't have
left Bella's dad alive.
265
00:19:03,596 --> 00:19:05,297
I wouldn't have.
266
00:19:05,298 --> 00:19:08,800
The scent disappeared about five
Miles South of Bella's house.
267
00:19:08,801 --> 00:19:11,235
It was very pungent.
268
00:19:11,236 --> 00:19:12,811
I think he had
huevos rancheros.
269
00:19:18,811 --> 00:19:20,744
- Someone's orchestrating this.
- Victoria?
270
00:19:20,745 --> 00:19:22,246
I would have seen her decide.
271
00:19:22,247 --> 00:19:24,148
Has to be the volturi.
272
00:19:24,149 --> 00:19:26,251
I don't think
it's the volturi either.
273
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:28,820
I've been watching
James' decisions too.
274
00:19:28,821 --> 00:19:31,689
So we keep looking.
275
00:19:31,690 --> 00:19:33,891
We'll all take shifts
watching Bella at her house.
276
00:19:33,892 --> 00:19:36,261
Another protection detail
for this little bitch?
277
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,369
- Rosalie.
- No, she's-- she's totally right.
278
00:19:43,369 --> 00:19:46,972
You guys can't protect me, watch
my dad, follow the intruder,
279
00:19:46,973 --> 00:19:48,974
stock up on glitter,
and keep yourselves fed.
280
00:19:48,975 --> 00:19:50,641
I'm not gonna leave you
here unprotected.
281
00:19:50,642 --> 00:19:52,176
Well, I won't let you starve.
282
00:19:52,177 --> 00:19:54,346
And besides I won't
be unprotected.
283
00:19:54,347 --> 00:19:56,680
Jacob and the wolves can help.
284
00:19:56,681 --> 00:19:58,318
Abs!
285
00:19:59,318 --> 00:20:02,356
You know what I'm thinking?
286
00:20:03,356 --> 00:20:05,255
Oh, shit.
287
00:20:05,256 --> 00:20:07,891
We've missed the first five
minutes of "ace of cakes."
288
00:20:07,892 --> 00:20:10,628
- No!
- God damn it.
289
00:20:10,629 --> 00:20:14,004
- I do love that guy.- No! Season finale!
290
00:20:18,004 --> 00:20:20,772
Sometimes I wish
I'd never moved to forks.
291
00:20:20,773 --> 00:20:23,733
I've caused so much drama, I would have
been better off staying in Arizona.
292
00:20:24,377 --> 00:20:25,909
But at the same time,
293
00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:28,679
i was kind of a loser
in Arizona.
294
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,650
I ate lunch by myself,
stayed home on Saturday nights,
295
00:20:32,651 --> 00:20:34,852
went to the homecoming dance
with chao-lin,
296
00:20:34,853 --> 00:20:37,722
the blond Korean pool boy.
297
00:20:37,723 --> 00:20:40,425
You know, on second thought, I guess
I really should have moved here.
298
00:20:40,426 --> 00:20:42,667
This is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.
299
00:20:43,361 --> 00:20:45,664
Well, besides
dry-humping chao-lin.
300
00:20:45,665 --> 00:20:47,932
Is somebody eating
junior mints?
301
00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:50,369
I totally smell junior mints.
I love junior mints.
302
00:20:51,369 --> 00:20:53,838
Sometimes I'll eat like, 20 at
a time and then throw them up.
303
00:20:53,839 --> 00:20:55,674
I'm bulimic and vegan.
304
00:20:55,675 --> 00:20:57,746
Oh shit. There's an in-n-out.
I gotta run.
305
00:21:01,746 --> 00:21:04,282
Well, whoever it was
forgot to flush the toilet.
306
00:21:04,283 --> 00:21:06,951
That thing was huge,
but we picked up his scent.
307
00:21:06,952 --> 00:21:09,186
It won't be hard to miss
next time we cross it.
308
00:21:09,187 --> 00:21:10,789
We can handle it from here.
309
00:21:10,790 --> 00:21:13,425
We don't need you to handle
anyone or anything.
310
00:21:13,426 --> 00:21:15,960
- I'll handle your balls.
- All right, we're done here.
311
00:21:15,961 --> 00:21:18,730
No, you're done here.
312
00:21:18,731 --> 00:21:21,334
Or maybe it's
just the beginning.
313
00:21:24,869 --> 00:21:26,337
Stop!
314
00:21:26,338 --> 00:21:29,974
Stop it. Stop!
315
00:21:29,975 --> 00:21:32,811
God, I am so tired of this.
316
00:21:32,812 --> 00:21:35,413
You know what, from now on,
I'm Switzerland, okay?
317
00:21:35,414 --> 00:21:37,985
By Switzerland,
you mean large vagina?
318
00:21:40,985 --> 00:21:43,253
Edward hated the idea.
319
00:21:43,254 --> 00:21:45,255
But it wasn't about
rivalry anymore.
320
00:21:45,256 --> 00:21:48,193
It was about my safety
and Charlie's...
321
00:21:48,194 --> 00:21:51,299
And the amazing package
the host had at c.P.K.
322
00:21:53,299 --> 00:21:55,300
In the days that followed,
I got them both
323
00:21:55,301 --> 00:21:56,737
to at least try
to work together.
324
00:21:58,737 --> 00:21:59,938
Hah...
325
00:22:01,107 --> 00:22:03,343
Damn you, Jacob the werewolf!
326
00:22:05,343 --> 00:22:09,147
It wasn't exactly an easy
alliance, but it worked.
327
00:22:09,148 --> 00:22:10,949
While Edward and his family
went out to hunt,
328
00:22:11,382 --> 00:22:14,284
I'd spend time with Jacob.
329
00:22:14,285 --> 00:22:16,287
Are you sure it's
okay that I'm here
330
00:22:16,288 --> 00:22:18,822
seeing as I'm a
vampire girl and all?
331
00:22:18,823 --> 00:22:22,292
Do I have perfectly
chiseled abs?
332
00:22:22,293 --> 00:22:24,763
Besides, the tribal council
has something special
333
00:22:24,764 --> 00:22:26,097
planned for you for tonight.
334
00:22:26,098 --> 00:22:28,000
Jake! Jake!
335
00:22:30,369 --> 00:22:35,041
The quileutes have always been a
small tribe from the beginning...
336
00:22:36,041 --> 00:22:39,111
And we have always had
the magic in our blood.
337
00:22:40,111 --> 00:22:43,450
We were great spirit warriors,
shape shifters.
338
00:22:45,450 --> 00:22:48,953
We transformed
into powerful autobots
339
00:22:48,954 --> 00:22:52,089
that fought the Decepticons
340
00:22:52,090 --> 00:22:56,461
while our children
turned into smurfs
341
00:22:56,462 --> 00:22:59,464
and we formed an alliance
with captain crunch
342
00:22:59,465 --> 00:23:02,369
and fought the hamburglar.
343
00:23:04,369 --> 00:23:06,538
We were unstoppable...
344
00:23:06,539 --> 00:23:09,040
That is,
345
00:23:09,041 --> 00:23:10,448
until they showed up.
346
00:23:17,448 --> 00:23:20,352
Anyone in the mood
for a good salad tossing?
347
00:23:25,991 --> 00:23:29,561
Our warriors' sharp teeth
finally tore it apart.
348
00:23:29,562 --> 00:23:31,596
It tasted like chicken.
349
00:23:31,597 --> 00:23:33,497
We completely
killed it--
350
00:23:33,498 --> 00:23:36,067
the blockbuster franchise
351
00:23:36,068 --> 00:23:37,437
and the amusement ride.
352
00:23:39,437 --> 00:23:41,505
However, they lived in fear
353
00:23:41,506 --> 00:23:44,512
that the cold man
was not alone.
354
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:50,048
And they were right.
355
00:23:50,049 --> 00:23:51,849
There was a herd
of them--
356
00:23:51,850 --> 00:23:53,484
all of them
different characters
357
00:23:53,485 --> 00:23:56,621
played the exact same way.
358
00:24:10,468 --> 00:24:13,306
Mmm. Smells like oak
with a hint of Berry.
359
00:24:15,306 --> 00:24:17,514
Oop. That's two
for flinching.
360
00:24:27,019 --> 00:24:28,653
Don't you know
you can't have tea
361
00:24:28,654 --> 00:24:31,356
without the tea bag?
362
00:24:31,357 --> 00:24:34,559
Here we go.
363
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,095
And the cold ones went insane.
364
00:24:37,096 --> 00:24:40,437
They wiped out most of the tribe
before they could escape.
365
00:24:52,378 --> 00:24:56,513
Our eldest chief, Marc Epstein,
366
00:24:56,514 --> 00:25:01,085
was the only spirit warrior
left to save the tribe
367
00:25:01,086 --> 00:25:02,639
after his son was killed.
368
00:25:20,639 --> 00:25:25,145
Chief Epstein's second wife
saw that he would lose.
369
00:25:28,313 --> 00:25:30,548
The second wife was
no match for the being,
370
00:25:30,549 --> 00:25:34,187
with no special powers
but one--
371
00:25:35,187 --> 00:25:37,071
courage.
372
00:26:01,112 --> 00:26:02,381
The second wife's sacrifice
373
00:26:03,381 --> 00:26:06,184
distracted the cold ones
long enough
374
00:26:06,185 --> 00:26:09,587
for chief Epstein
to destroy it.
375
00:26:09,588 --> 00:26:12,322
She saved the tribe.
376
00:26:12,323 --> 00:26:14,157
It was a mitzvah.
377
00:26:14,158 --> 00:26:18,231
Over time, our enemies
had disappeared.
378
00:26:19,231 --> 00:26:23,067
But one remains--
the cold ones.
379
00:26:23,068 --> 00:26:25,736
Our magic awakens
when they're near.
380
00:26:25,737 --> 00:26:28,138
We sense it now.
381
00:26:28,139 --> 00:26:31,041
We feel the threat
382
00:26:31,042 --> 00:26:34,445
in our blood, our loins,
our cornholes.
383
00:26:34,446 --> 00:26:36,147
Deep inside.
384
00:26:36,148 --> 00:26:37,749
Kind of vibrating,
385
00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:41,289
probing around, pure heaven.
386
00:26:44,289 --> 00:26:47,024
Something terrible is coming.
387
00:26:47,025 --> 00:26:48,693
We must be ready.
388
00:26:48,694 --> 00:26:50,727
Ready to break wind
if we have to,
389
00:26:50,728 --> 00:26:53,735
to get their attention
and defeat them.
390
00:27:02,674 --> 00:27:05,050
Excuse me a minute.
391
00:27:11,050 --> 00:27:14,058
Oh, he just sharted himself.
392
00:27:19,058 --> 00:27:21,759
This is a great
new art piece, guys.
393
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,294
Oh, thanks, honey.
Actually, it's old.
394
00:27:24,295 --> 00:27:26,464
Rosalie found it
in the basement this morning
395
00:27:26,465 --> 00:27:28,398
and I just thought
it'd be fun to look at.
396
00:27:28,399 --> 00:27:31,601
Nice find, Rosalie.
397
00:27:31,602 --> 00:27:34,805
Yeah, the guy it was made after
was some African tribal leader.
398
00:27:34,806 --> 00:27:36,808
Mom used to date him.
As you can see,
399
00:27:36,809 --> 00:27:39,444
he was excessively endowed.
400
00:27:39,445 --> 00:27:42,080
Well, not as big
as your father, honey.
401
00:27:42,081 --> 00:27:44,348
Dad was just girthy, mom.
402
00:27:44,349 --> 00:27:47,784
He's not as long as nimbat...
403
00:27:47,785 --> 00:27:50,655
Oh, you see, Alice and I
used to share nimbat...
404
00:27:50,656 --> 00:27:53,291
Actually,
mom stole him from me.
405
00:27:53,292 --> 00:27:55,592
Now, don't be angry because
you're too tight to do anal.
406
00:27:55,593 --> 00:27:57,595
Yeah, Alice, anal's cool.
407
00:27:57,596 --> 00:28:00,464
Wait. Shh shh.
I wanna hear this.
408
00:28:00,465 --> 00:28:02,532
Seattle is in a state of terror
409
00:28:02,533 --> 00:28:05,168
as police are baffled
by the escalating murders,
410
00:28:05,169 --> 00:28:08,739
disappearances, and how Brendan
Fraser keeps getting work...
411
00:28:08,740 --> 00:28:12,379
- Aghh-- Brendan Fraser!
- It's getting worse.
412
00:28:14,379 --> 00:28:15,745
We might have to do something.
413
00:28:15,746 --> 00:28:18,882
It takes more than one of our
kind to report damages like that.
414
00:28:18,883 --> 00:28:22,486
Quite a few more. They're
undisciplined, conspicuous,
415
00:28:22,487 --> 00:28:24,754
and they all sag their pants
a little bit.
416
00:28:24,755 --> 00:28:28,493
Newborns.
Aka "noobs."
417
00:28:28,494 --> 00:28:31,495
Oh, like a level two orc
in "warcraft."
418
00:28:31,496 --> 00:28:34,799
The first few months
after the change--
419
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,568
right, that's when we're
at our most uncontrollable.
420
00:28:37,569 --> 00:28:39,503
We're vicious, bloodthirsty
421
00:28:39,504 --> 00:28:40,804
and we have this weird
ocd thing
422
00:28:40,805 --> 00:28:42,572
where we have to count
all the time.
423
00:28:42,573 --> 00:28:44,876
"One testy-testy,
ha ha ha.
424
00:28:44,877 --> 00:28:48,713
Two testy-testy,
ha ha ha.
425
00:28:48,714 --> 00:28:51,249
Three testy-testy,
ha ha ha."
426
00:28:51,250 --> 00:28:53,684
Nobody tell anyone
I have three testicles.
427
00:28:53,685 --> 00:28:55,520
It's something
to look forward to--
428
00:28:55,521 --> 00:28:58,656
the counting,
not the testicles.
429
00:28:58,657 --> 00:29:00,824
- Right.
- I'm gonna go check the mail out front.
430
00:29:00,825 --> 00:29:02,795
I just ordered
a new box of proactiv.
431
00:29:04,795 --> 00:29:06,830
Now these nooblets
are untrained,
432
00:29:06,831 --> 00:29:09,634
- but this isn't random.
- Someone's creating an army.
433
00:29:09,635 --> 00:29:11,168
A vampire army?
434
00:29:11,169 --> 00:29:13,236
No, the salvation army, bitch!
435
00:29:13,237 --> 00:29:16,674
Jesus Christ! What do you think
we've been talking about?
436
00:29:16,675 --> 00:29:18,876
You know, you really are an idiot.
I fucking hate you.
437
00:29:18,877 --> 00:29:20,945
We're the only clan
closest to Seattle.
438
00:29:20,946 --> 00:29:23,513
Regardless of why
they were created,
439
00:29:23,514 --> 00:29:25,634
if we don't do something about
them, the volturi will.
440
00:29:27,386 --> 00:29:29,620
I'm surprised they haven't
already done something.
441
00:29:32,623 --> 00:29:35,926
Jesus Christ!
Don't you ever die, bitch?!
442
00:29:35,927 --> 00:29:37,897
Ugh!
443
00:29:38,897 --> 00:29:40,397
What the hell
are you doing, Rosalie?
444
00:29:40,398 --> 00:29:42,966
I'm sorry. She's just
so effing annoying.
445
00:29:42,967 --> 00:29:45,327
Why don't you just talk it out
with her, for Christ's sakes?
446
00:29:48,473 --> 00:29:49,843
Are you okay, bell?
447
00:29:55,214 --> 00:29:57,447
Oh, thank goodness.
448
00:29:57,448 --> 00:29:59,449
Oh, shit.
449
00:29:59,450 --> 00:30:01,484
"Project runway" just started.
450
00:30:01,485 --> 00:30:03,287
We can watch it
on the big screen upstairs.
451
00:30:03,288 --> 00:30:07,330
Yeah. Come on, bell,
and stop being so pretentious.
452
00:30:11,330 --> 00:30:12,897
I don't know how
you do it, Carlisle.
453
00:30:12,898 --> 00:30:14,965
Do what?
454
00:30:14,966 --> 00:30:17,001
Work around
injured patients all day.
455
00:30:17,002 --> 00:30:18,636
How do you not get tempted?
456
00:30:18,637 --> 00:30:21,472
I've been doing this
for a long time, Bella.
457
00:30:21,473 --> 00:30:23,640
I've mastered
self-control.
458
00:30:23,641 --> 00:30:25,813
I wish all vampires
had such control.
459
00:30:28,813 --> 00:30:30,714
You know what I mean?
460
00:30:30,715 --> 00:30:33,917
I do. Is that Edward outside?
461
00:30:33,918 --> 00:30:36,023
Where?
462
00:30:38,023 --> 00:30:40,023
Oh, my bad.
463
00:30:40,024 --> 00:30:42,693
You might feel a little prick.
464
00:30:42,694 --> 00:30:45,263
Ow, what are you doing?
465
00:30:45,264 --> 00:30:47,266
Nothing. It's standard
for this kind of injury.
466
00:30:48,266 --> 00:30:49,668
Okay.
467
00:31:17,896 --> 00:31:18,930
Sorry.
468
00:31:19,930 --> 00:31:21,464
I was falling off the bed
469
00:31:21,465 --> 00:31:24,301
and I grabbed what I could
to break my fall.
470
00:31:24,302 --> 00:31:26,302
- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
471
00:31:26,370 --> 00:31:28,878
You mind giving
little Edward a hand?
472
00:31:32,878 --> 00:31:35,679
Ooh, ooh.
473
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,882
You're so
incredibly hot, Bella.
474
00:31:38,883 --> 00:31:41,952
I don't know
what you see in Edward,
475
00:31:41,953 --> 00:31:44,054
but I'm prepared
to give you all of me.
476
00:31:44,055 --> 00:31:45,889
Let me show you.
477
00:31:45,890 --> 00:31:47,370
Oh, can you--
can we just not do that?
478
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,496
Sorry.
Whew!
479
00:31:52,496 --> 00:31:56,067
Truthfully, I got
kicked out of my place.
480
00:31:56,068 --> 00:31:57,935
Can I stay with you
for a while?
481
00:31:57,936 --> 00:32:01,373
- I can't let you stay here.
- No, not here.
482
00:32:02,373 --> 00:32:05,076
Inside your cavernous vagina.
483
00:32:05,077 --> 00:32:07,645
Oh, yeah.
484
00:32:07,646 --> 00:32:08,946
- Oh, no. No!
- Ooh, yeah!
485
00:32:08,947 --> 00:32:11,615
- Dude, dude, dude. Wait wait wait.
- What are you doing?!
486
00:32:11,616 --> 00:32:13,850
Dude, dude, dude.
I'm so sorry, dude.
487
00:32:13,851 --> 00:32:16,721
I know I'm not supposed to be
here, but I can't help myself.
488
00:32:16,722 --> 00:32:19,391
I just can't stop thinking
about her constantly.
489
00:32:20,391 --> 00:32:23,828
Day and night.
490
00:32:23,829 --> 00:32:26,429
She's like my own
little personal heroin.
491
00:32:26,430 --> 00:32:30,635
I just want her
to touch it, touch it.
492
00:32:33,004 --> 00:32:35,673
Gyah!
493
00:32:35,674 --> 00:32:38,077
Tee shot!
Whoo-hoo!
494
00:32:39,077 --> 00:32:40,946
I'll hump you later, okay?
495
00:32:41,946 --> 00:32:44,051
Ugh...
496
00:32:46,051 --> 00:32:47,717
Oh yeah...
497
00:32:47,718 --> 00:32:49,388
Unh... oh yeah.
498
00:32:55,394 --> 00:32:57,130
Oh my God. Oh my God,
I left my mic on.
499
00:32:59,130 --> 00:33:01,098
It's so pretty here.
500
00:33:01,099 --> 00:33:04,135
Alice is throwing
this huge graduation party
501
00:33:04,136 --> 00:33:05,970
which, of course,
you're invited to.
502
00:33:05,971 --> 00:33:08,038
She's got some really
cool stuff planned.
503
00:33:08,039 --> 00:33:10,174
She's having, I guess,
something about Lindsay Lohan
504
00:33:10,175 --> 00:33:13,711
coming with some ping-pong
balls and a mule?
505
00:33:13,712 --> 00:33:16,050
Yeah.
I figured as much.
506
00:33:19,050 --> 00:33:22,186
What?
507
00:33:22,187 --> 00:33:24,053
I wanted to
do this differently.
508
00:33:24,054 --> 00:33:27,057
Smoother, but...
509
00:33:27,058 --> 00:33:29,196
But now I'm out of time.
510
00:33:32,196 --> 00:33:33,964
Time for what?
511
00:33:33,965 --> 00:33:35,866
You need to know
the truth, Bella.
512
00:33:35,867 --> 00:33:37,901
You have to understand
all your options.
513
00:33:37,902 --> 00:33:41,105
And right now,
you have to understand
514
00:33:41,106 --> 00:33:43,808
that I'm 12 3/4".
515
00:33:43,809 --> 00:33:45,643
Holy shit!
516
00:33:45,644 --> 00:33:47,744
Is that wrapped
around your leg?
517
00:33:47,745 --> 00:33:49,612
Yeah, three times.
518
00:33:49,613 --> 00:33:51,714
This new cream that
I got is so incredible.
519
00:33:51,715 --> 00:33:53,984
It's gotten so big
and girthy now.
520
00:33:53,985 --> 00:33:55,785
Hmm...
521
00:33:55,786 --> 00:33:58,455
Bella, I want you to choose me
522
00:33:58,456 --> 00:34:00,089
over him.
523
00:34:00,090 --> 00:34:01,891
I thought you understood, Jake.
524
00:34:01,892 --> 00:34:03,526
I just don't feel
that way about you.
525
00:34:03,527 --> 00:34:07,097
Shh.
Shh shh shh.
526
00:34:07,098 --> 00:34:08,933
Listen.
527
00:34:08,934 --> 00:34:10,701
I know you feel
something for me.
528
00:34:10,702 --> 00:34:12,673
You just won't admit it.
529
00:34:15,673 --> 00:34:17,775
Now you won't have to change
530
00:34:17,776 --> 00:34:21,247
for anybody or say
goodbye to anyone.
531
00:34:22,247 --> 00:34:26,218
I can give you more
than he can.
532
00:34:27,218 --> 00:34:30,487
♪ I love it when
we're all alone-- ♪
533
00:34:30,488 --> 00:34:32,755
Really?
Watch it, a-hole.
534
00:34:32,756 --> 00:34:35,192
Hey, sorry, but I'm just wonderin'
how you guys are doing.
535
00:34:35,193 --> 00:34:37,728
We're doing fine! Do you
want to leave us alone here?
536
00:34:37,729 --> 00:34:40,197
Hey, come on. So are you
guys a couple or what?
537
00:34:40,198 --> 00:34:44,034
No! Trying to work on that!
God damn it.
538
00:34:44,035 --> 00:34:47,270
Come on, Jacob.
You guys look great together.
539
00:34:47,271 --> 00:34:50,241
Tell us what's going on. Someone just
said they spotted the two of you
540
00:34:50,242 --> 00:34:52,509
canoodling at boa's
the other night.
541
00:34:52,510 --> 00:34:53,978
Hey, give us the goods.
542
00:34:53,979 --> 00:34:57,681
So Jake, you all right
getting Eddie's cheese?
543
00:34:57,682 --> 00:35:00,050
Really, huh? You want to talk about cheese?
How about that?
544
00:35:02,553 --> 00:35:04,191
Hey.
545
00:35:07,191 --> 00:35:11,062
Oh my God. This house is amazing. I
just took the biggest dump upstairs.
546
00:35:29,548 --> 00:35:31,781
- What are you doing here?
- Someone told me something
547
00:35:31,782 --> 00:35:34,287
about an all-you-can-eat buffet
catered by red lobster.
548
00:35:36,287 --> 00:35:41,294
Congrats, Bella.
I made you a little something.
549
00:35:42,294 --> 00:35:46,097
That is so sweet.
Thanks, Jacob.
550
00:35:47,097 --> 00:35:49,599
Ooh, sorry.
551
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:53,644
I mean-- ahem--
I have a six-pack.
552
00:36:10,187 --> 00:36:12,325
So it is true.
553
00:36:14,325 --> 00:36:15,932
Ugh, I'll be right back.
554
00:36:20,932 --> 00:36:22,333
What did you see?
555
00:36:22,334 --> 00:36:25,335
The decision's been made.
556
00:36:25,336 --> 00:36:28,672
- What does that mean?
- Not going to Seattle.
557
00:36:28,673 --> 00:36:30,808
They're coming here.
558
00:36:30,809 --> 00:36:34,881
Ah-hh!
559
00:36:37,881 --> 00:36:39,820
Sorry.
Imprint.
560
00:36:42,820 --> 00:36:44,788
They'll be here in four days,
561
00:36:44,789 --> 00:36:46,889
but not before
stopping off at ihop
562
00:36:46,890 --> 00:36:48,257
for all-you-can-eat
pancakes.
563
00:36:48,258 --> 00:36:50,127
How do you know all this?
564
00:36:50,128 --> 00:36:52,264
I follow her tweets.
565
00:36:53,264 --> 00:36:55,299
"Just had the most amazing
dinner at the brewery.
566
00:36:55,300 --> 00:36:59,036
Can't wait for ihop all-you-can-eat
before killing Bella."
567
00:36:59,037 --> 00:37:01,404
- This could turn into a bloodbath.
- Who's behind it?
568
00:37:01,405 --> 00:37:02,943
I didn't see anyone
I recognized.
569
00:37:04,943 --> 00:37:07,110
- Maybe one.
- I know his face.
570
00:37:07,111 --> 00:37:10,346
Ronald steers. He just
friended me on Facebook.
571
00:37:10,347 --> 00:37:13,282
Look, bottom line is
there's an army coming here
572
00:37:13,283 --> 00:37:15,219
and there's not enough
of us to stop them.
573
00:37:15,220 --> 00:37:16,886
Wait. What--
what damn army?
574
00:37:16,887 --> 00:37:18,422
Come on, dude.
Noobs.
575
00:37:18,423 --> 00:37:20,023
Okay?
Our kind.
576
00:37:20,024 --> 00:37:23,060
They're coming
straight for Bella.
577
00:37:23,061 --> 00:37:24,795
They got her scratch-and-sniff
vagina scent
578
00:37:24,796 --> 00:37:26,397
from this
"ebony thunder" magazine.
579
00:37:26,398 --> 00:37:28,165
So what does that mean?
580
00:37:28,166 --> 00:37:30,166
It's like a really good
magazine-- 10 issues for $9.95.
581
00:37:30,167 --> 00:37:33,337
It means there'll be an
ugly fight with lives lost.
582
00:37:33,338 --> 00:37:35,898
But we'll probably get to wear
some really cool outfits. - Yes.
583
00:37:38,709 --> 00:37:39,469
All right.
We're in.
584
00:37:40,378 --> 00:37:43,346
No. You'll get yourselves
killed, no way.
585
00:37:43,347 --> 00:37:45,415
I wasn't asking permission.
586
00:37:45,416 --> 00:37:49,353
- Edward.
- It means more protection for you.
587
00:37:49,354 --> 00:37:51,087
We'll all need some training.
588
00:37:51,088 --> 00:37:54,023
Fighting noobs requires
knowledge that Jasper has.
589
00:37:54,024 --> 00:37:56,460
Ah, yes. Yes.
590
00:37:56,461 --> 00:37:57,960
You're welcome to join us.
591
00:37:57,961 --> 00:38:00,431
All right.
I like to do things.
592
00:38:00,432 --> 00:38:02,232
Name the time and the place.
593
00:38:02,233 --> 00:38:05,469
This is all happening...
594
00:38:05,470 --> 00:38:08,242
Because of me.
595
00:38:12,242 --> 00:38:14,344
I'm the center of it all!
596
00:38:14,345 --> 00:38:16,246
God, I'm the best!
597
00:38:16,247 --> 00:38:18,348
Ah! Whoo!
598
00:38:18,349 --> 00:38:21,392
Me, me, me, me--
599
00:38:27,392 --> 00:38:29,860
we had to prepare
for what was coming,
600
00:38:29,861 --> 00:38:32,496
which meant another h.P.V.
Inoculation
601
00:38:32,497 --> 00:38:34,365
and a 30-day supply
of tucks.
602
00:38:37,936 --> 00:38:40,436
Thank you.
Well, I studied.
603
00:38:40,437 --> 00:38:42,306
What is that?
604
00:38:42,307 --> 00:38:44,842
Oh, it's just a graduation
present from Jake.
605
00:38:44,843 --> 00:38:47,210
Don't worry.
I can't eat white cake.
606
00:38:47,211 --> 00:38:49,346
Gives me really bad gas.
607
00:38:49,347 --> 00:38:52,449
I mean, literally the minute I
eat it, I just start ripping.
608
00:38:52,450 --> 00:38:55,918
It smells really bad.
609
00:38:55,919 --> 00:38:58,188
Kind of like a coyote carcass
610
00:38:58,189 --> 00:38:59,956
that's been left on the side
of the road for nine months
611
00:38:59,957 --> 00:39:02,125
with a side of melted
gruyere cheese.
612
00:39:02,126 --> 00:39:05,161
Or kind of like
613
00:39:05,162 --> 00:39:06,996
an underground
turkish sewer system
614
00:39:06,997 --> 00:39:08,831
after a gay pride parade
in the month of July--
615
00:39:08,832 --> 00:39:11,534
or like I just ate
a llama's dump after--
616
00:39:11,535 --> 00:39:14,804
okay, I get it!
It stinks.
617
00:39:14,805 --> 00:39:17,023
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go.
618
00:39:32,023 --> 00:39:32,944
Sorry we're late, guys.
619
00:39:33,390 --> 00:39:35,361
Jacob got his dick stuck
in the pool heater again.
620
00:39:36,361 --> 00:39:38,963
Took us a while to get it out.
621
00:39:39,963 --> 00:39:42,199
What?
It felt really good.
622
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:44,201
- Damn good.
- We know, man.
623
00:39:44,202 --> 00:39:45,268
- We know.
- It was fun.
624
00:39:45,269 --> 00:39:46,907
Anyways, welcome.
625
00:39:48,907 --> 00:39:51,308
Jasper has experience
with noobs.
626
00:39:51,309 --> 00:39:53,844
Hell yeah.
He'll teach us how to defeat them.
627
00:39:53,845 --> 00:39:58,184
Well, how are you vampires
different from those noobs?
628
00:39:59,184 --> 00:40:02,418
They wanna know how
we differ from the noobs.
629
00:40:02,419 --> 00:40:04,487
Ahh...
630
00:40:04,488 --> 00:40:07,090
They're a lot more
powerful than we are.
631
00:40:07,091 --> 00:40:10,994
Not only do they have
human tissue in their blood,
632
00:40:10,995 --> 00:40:14,565
- they all juice up.
- Like on steroids?
633
00:40:14,566 --> 00:40:16,367
No, like minute-maid, moron!
634
00:40:17,367 --> 00:40:19,370
Carlisle! Can we
please just kill her
635
00:40:20,370 --> 00:40:23,540
so we can live the rest of
our lives in peace? Please.
636
00:40:23,541 --> 00:40:27,076
Unfortunately for our kind, the
first few months of this life
637
00:40:27,077 --> 00:40:29,247
are our most powerful.
638
00:40:30,247 --> 00:40:32,588
Let me show you some
of their recent activities.
639
00:40:37,588 --> 00:40:39,561
This should be good.
640
00:40:43,561 --> 00:40:44,597
I hate these.
641
00:40:48,166 --> 00:40:49,635
It's worth seeing, guys.
642
00:40:51,635 --> 00:40:53,474
Sorry.
643
00:40:56,474 --> 00:40:58,909
Is that a "b" or "p"?
644
00:40:58,910 --> 00:41:01,511
- It's a "p".
- It's a "p", honey.
645
00:41:01,512 --> 00:41:03,381
I think "b".
646
00:41:04,381 --> 00:41:06,449
It was a "p".
647
00:41:06,450 --> 00:41:09,258
Fuck!
648
00:41:14,258 --> 00:41:15,558
Sorry.
649
00:41:15,559 --> 00:41:17,627
Anyway,
650
00:41:17,628 --> 00:41:20,130
Jasper's gonna teach us
how to fight these monsters.
651
00:41:20,131 --> 00:41:22,165
- Jasper?
- Thank you, Carlisle.
652
00:41:22,166 --> 00:41:24,634
Ladies and gentlemen,
the two most important things
653
00:41:24,635 --> 00:41:26,536
about taking down noobs
are as follows--
654
00:41:26,537 --> 00:41:29,273
number one, do not let them
come at you from behind.
655
00:41:29,274 --> 00:41:31,607
Keep your assholes tight.
656
00:41:31,608 --> 00:41:35,645
They will get in, they will slip
in like my Uncle Chris slipped in!
657
00:41:35,646 --> 00:41:38,348
Number two, do not let them
fondle your nuts!
658
00:41:38,349 --> 00:41:41,150
They love nuts. It's one of
their top three favorite foods
659
00:41:41,151 --> 00:41:42,985
that are also body parts.
660
00:41:42,986 --> 00:41:45,989
They love them.
I've seen it. Okay?
661
00:41:45,990 --> 00:41:49,293
Rosalie.
Don't hold back.
662
00:41:49,294 --> 00:41:51,162
Never.
663
00:41:54,231 --> 00:41:55,699
Don't be blonde.
664
00:41:55,700 --> 00:41:57,861
That was rule number zero. I
just didn't say it. Alice!
665
00:42:04,575 --> 00:42:06,979
I love you so much!
666
00:42:08,979 --> 00:42:11,684
Jasper.
Lick dog ass!
667
00:42:12,684 --> 00:42:16,085
Who's next?!
Who's next?!
668
00:42:16,086 --> 00:42:18,688
- Oh crap. Just go.
- Just run. Run.
669
00:42:18,689 --> 00:42:20,958
Mighty Joe young
670
00:42:20,959 --> 00:42:24,401
ain't got nothing on me!
671
00:42:31,401 --> 00:42:33,603
Whoever said that silk
tastes like regular milk
672
00:42:33,604 --> 00:42:35,605
is completely full of shit.
673
00:42:35,606 --> 00:42:38,607
Screw this diet.
Jesus.
674
00:42:38,608 --> 00:42:40,744
So what's the plan here,
paleface?
675
00:42:40,745 --> 00:42:43,381
Well, this field will be
an advantage in battle.
676
00:42:44,381 --> 00:42:46,750
We need to lure the noobs
here with Bella's scent.
677
00:42:46,751 --> 00:42:47,511
This will end here.
678
00:42:48,385 --> 00:42:51,087
Edward and I are going
to a campsite on Saturday.
679
00:42:51,088 --> 00:42:53,690
But even if he carries me,
they'll still pick up my scent.
680
00:42:53,691 --> 00:42:57,094
Your scent, however,
is revolting.
681
00:42:57,095 --> 00:42:58,527
What's that supposed to mean?
682
00:42:58,528 --> 00:43:00,663
Ooh.
683
00:43:00,664 --> 00:43:03,699
Oh, it's a good one.
Sharp!
684
00:43:03,700 --> 00:43:06,103
Well, maybe-- maybe
just a test sample.
685
00:43:06,104 --> 00:43:09,239
Okay. What Edward means
is that if you carry me,
686
00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:11,309
your scent will mask mine.
687
00:43:12,309 --> 00:43:14,143
So let's do a test run
for Saturday.
688
00:43:14,144 --> 00:43:15,381
All right.
Let's do this.
689
00:43:16,381 --> 00:43:18,415
Three--
690
00:43:18,416 --> 00:43:20,116
--two, one.
691
00:43:20,117 --> 00:43:21,451
Okay, sorry.
Sorry.
692
00:43:21,452 --> 00:43:23,286
Oh!
693
00:43:23,287 --> 00:43:26,056
- Um...
- We'll get there.
694
00:43:26,057 --> 00:43:28,625
We'll get there.
695
00:43:28,626 --> 00:43:30,694
Even though it was
Edward's idea,
696
00:43:30,695 --> 00:43:34,031
he really wasn't a fan of me
spending time with Jacob.
697
00:43:34,032 --> 00:43:35,699
I'd just wish
he'd finally understand
698
00:43:35,700 --> 00:43:38,168
that my feelings for him
are way stronger
699
00:43:38,169 --> 00:43:40,203
than my feelings for Jacob.
700
00:43:40,204 --> 00:43:43,139
Well, except when Jacob
sweats between his breasts.
701
00:43:43,140 --> 00:43:45,409
I enjoy that.
They're fun.
702
00:43:45,410 --> 00:43:47,617
I call them my fun bags.
703
00:43:52,617 --> 00:43:54,451
Hey.
You want a sandwich?
704
00:43:54,452 --> 00:43:55,722
No, I'm good.
705
00:43:58,722 --> 00:44:01,058
Dad, I was wondering.
706
00:44:01,059 --> 00:44:02,025
Hmm?
707
00:44:02,026 --> 00:44:05,066
Why didn't you ever
get married after mom?
708
00:44:08,066 --> 00:44:09,699
Well, uh...
709
00:44:09,700 --> 00:44:11,701
Actually I almost did,
sweetheart.
710
00:44:11,702 --> 00:44:13,636
Really?
711
00:44:13,637 --> 00:44:15,572
Yeah.
712
00:44:15,573 --> 00:44:17,507
Yeah.
His name was Frank.
713
00:44:17,508 --> 00:44:20,744
He had the hottest eight-pack
I'd ever seen in my life.
714
00:44:20,745 --> 00:44:22,813
He loved tennis
as much as I did.
715
00:44:22,814 --> 00:44:24,781
On the weekend,
we go to palm Springs
716
00:44:24,782 --> 00:44:28,317
and get one of those rooms
with two queens for $69.69.
717
00:44:28,318 --> 00:44:33,690
We'd go antiquing,
take the skytram, ass hump.
718
00:44:33,691 --> 00:44:35,859
Oh gross, dad.
719
00:44:35,860 --> 00:44:38,094
Why don't you just tell me
some more about the skytram?
720
00:44:38,095 --> 00:44:40,163
Of course, I'm sorry.
721
00:44:40,164 --> 00:44:42,833
Skytram is when I get nude
and stand on the bed
722
00:44:42,834 --> 00:44:44,868
and he lies on the floor
and jerks off.
723
00:44:44,869 --> 00:44:46,670
If he shoots a load
up in the air
724
00:44:46,671 --> 00:44:48,471
and I catch it in my mouth,
725
00:44:48,472 --> 00:44:50,740
we both yell out
"skytram!"
726
00:44:52,175 --> 00:44:56,212
Oh, wow, that's really gross.
727
00:44:56,213 --> 00:44:58,215
I should have just asked
you about antiquing.
728
00:44:58,216 --> 00:45:00,583
Oh. Well, that's
when you skytram
729
00:45:00,584 --> 00:45:03,853
with an 85-year-old man.
730
00:45:03,854 --> 00:45:05,855
Okay, dad, can I just
ask you something, please?
731
00:45:05,856 --> 00:45:08,525
Anything.
732
00:45:08,526 --> 00:45:11,800
- Do you believe in marriage?
- Of course. Why?
733
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:20,302
Is there something
you want to tell me?
734
00:45:20,303 --> 00:45:22,139
Were you not careful, Bella?
735
00:45:22,140 --> 00:45:23,706
What?
736
00:45:23,707 --> 00:45:25,708
Look, there are things
you need to know
737
00:45:25,709 --> 00:45:28,379
before you become
physically intimate.
738
00:45:29,379 --> 00:45:32,581
Okay, dad. Mom already had
this talk with me so--
739
00:45:32,582 --> 00:45:34,451
uh-hmm.
Look, sweetheart.
740
00:45:34,452 --> 00:45:38,193
This isn't a game. You need to
know what sex is all about.
741
00:45:43,193 --> 00:45:46,763
Now a man has a penis
742
00:45:46,764 --> 00:45:48,297
and a woman...
743
00:45:48,298 --> 00:45:49,833
Has a vagina.
744
00:45:49,834 --> 00:45:52,168
Some women have
very big vaginas.
745
00:45:52,169 --> 00:45:53,776
- Dad!
- Too technical? Okay.
746
00:45:58,776 --> 00:46:01,677
Now once insertion is achieved,
747
00:46:01,678 --> 00:46:04,781
the man and woman
begin humping each other.
748
00:46:04,782 --> 00:46:06,684
Could you guys
demonstrate, please?
749
00:46:09,220 --> 00:46:12,922
Dad! Edward is not
interested in sex.
750
00:46:12,923 --> 00:46:15,891
- Get out of here.
- No, he's not. I'm serious.
751
00:46:15,892 --> 00:46:18,895
No, I mean it. Get out of here. You're wasting
my time then. I've got business to do.
752
00:46:18,896 --> 00:46:21,230
Go.
753
00:46:21,231 --> 00:46:23,933
I'm sorry. My daughter
has a huge vagina.
754
00:46:23,934 --> 00:46:25,936
Like, gaping.
755
00:46:25,937 --> 00:46:27,608
Hey, anybody up
for a little antiquing?
756
00:46:30,608 --> 00:46:33,648
You guys up? Have you
heard of skytramming?
757
00:46:37,648 --> 00:46:39,415
I can't believe
we have the whole house
758
00:46:39,416 --> 00:46:41,851
- to ourselves for the night.
- Pretty cool.
759
00:46:41,852 --> 00:46:43,619
There's a bed?
760
00:46:43,620 --> 00:46:45,490
Thought you might
need one to sleep in.
761
00:46:47,490 --> 00:46:49,558
Okay, I wanna
ask you something.
762
00:46:49,559 --> 00:46:51,994
Anything.
763
00:46:51,995 --> 00:46:55,570
Marriage is the condition for you
to change me yourself, right?
764
00:46:59,570 --> 00:47:01,503
- Yes.
- Okay.
765
00:47:01,504 --> 00:47:03,906
I wanna negotiate
my own condition.
766
00:47:03,907 --> 00:47:06,976
Anything you want, it's yours.
767
00:47:06,977 --> 00:47:08,277
You promise?
768
00:47:08,278 --> 00:47:10,548
Yes.
769
00:47:11,548 --> 00:47:13,916
- Put this on.
- What?
770
00:47:13,917 --> 00:47:16,018
- Please?
- Why?
771
00:47:16,019 --> 00:47:17,856
Thought it might be fun.
772
00:47:19,856 --> 00:47:20,924
For you, anything.
773
00:47:20,925 --> 00:47:23,994
Okay. This too.
774
00:47:23,995 --> 00:47:24,968
Uh...
775
00:47:30,968 --> 00:47:32,802
How's this?
776
00:47:32,803 --> 00:47:34,503
Oh, it's perfect.
777
00:47:34,504 --> 00:47:36,973
Okay, um,
now call me your bitch.
778
00:47:36,974 --> 00:47:39,643
What? I can't--
779
00:47:39,644 --> 00:47:42,344
oh, oh, okay. Uh, how about ho?
Can you say ho?
780
00:47:42,345 --> 00:47:44,980
No, that's not
how I was raised--
781
00:47:44,981 --> 00:47:47,984
oh-hh!
782
00:47:47,985 --> 00:47:50,487
You're my motherfucking bitch!
783
00:47:50,488 --> 00:47:51,488
Ooh!
You're my goddamn ho!
784
00:47:52,390 --> 00:47:56,293
Oh yeah. Okay, now talk
about my milky-white ass.
785
00:47:56,294 --> 00:47:57,726
I love your
milky-white ass.
786
00:47:57,727 --> 00:47:59,895
Oh, yes, that is so good.
787
00:47:59,896 --> 00:48:01,965
Oh, give me your
chocolate pole, lebron.
788
00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:05,000
Okay okay okay, stop.
I-- I can't do this.
789
00:48:05,001 --> 00:48:07,904
What? It's just
a little roleplay.
790
00:48:07,905 --> 00:48:09,773
- I'm out, I'm out.
- It's just for f--
791
00:48:09,774 --> 00:48:11,974
okay, I'm sorry.
792
00:48:11,975 --> 00:48:15,311
Let's just be us--
793
00:48:15,312 --> 00:48:17,416
you and me?
794
00:48:19,416 --> 00:48:21,961
You're the hottest thing
around here anyway.
795
00:48:30,961 --> 00:48:33,797
♪ One day ♪
796
00:48:33,798 --> 00:48:36,398
♪ no more pain-- ♪
797
00:48:36,399 --> 00:48:38,567
Oh oh, whoa. Okay, what--
what-- what are you doing?
798
00:48:38,568 --> 00:48:41,972
Oh, just go with it, Edward. I'm
gonna make you feel so good.
799
00:48:42,972 --> 00:48:45,108
♪ One day, no more-- ♪
800
00:48:46,744 --> 00:48:50,112
Oh, ow! Whoa, okay. I-- I
can't let you do that.
801
00:48:50,113 --> 00:48:52,385
Bella, Bella, Bella,
I'm not ready.
802
00:48:54,385 --> 00:48:56,985
Aren't you
attracted to me, Edward?
803
00:48:56,986 --> 00:49:01,023
I mean, we can
work through this.
804
00:49:01,024 --> 00:49:04,661
I can get liposuction
or I can breast implants,
805
00:49:04,662 --> 00:49:06,695
or shave my roast beef.
806
00:49:06,696 --> 00:49:08,697
I mean, whatever you want.
807
00:49:08,698 --> 00:49:12,034
No, bell-- I'm attracted
to you, Bella.
808
00:49:12,035 --> 00:49:14,640
It's just I--
809
00:49:16,640 --> 00:49:19,476
do you have the most enhanced
breasts in the world?
810
00:49:19,477 --> 00:49:21,485
- Does that help?
- Nope.
811
00:49:27,485 --> 00:49:29,652
Please direct your
attention to stage seven
812
00:49:29,653 --> 00:49:32,455
and let's give a big
body shop welcome
813
00:49:32,456 --> 00:49:34,091
to Bella.
814
00:49:42,733 --> 00:49:45,668
Try stuffing this
in your fire crotch.
815
00:49:45,669 --> 00:49:47,675
Thanks, mister.
816
00:49:52,675 --> 00:49:54,777
Really?
817
00:49:54,778 --> 00:49:55,615
Here.
818
00:49:57,615 --> 00:49:59,457
Drink that.
819
00:50:07,457 --> 00:50:09,426
- Nothing.
- God damn it!
820
00:50:09,427 --> 00:50:11,494
What the hell
is wrong with you?
821
00:50:11,495 --> 00:50:13,862
Any guy would give his left nut
822
00:50:13,863 --> 00:50:15,898
to be nailing me right now.
823
00:50:15,899 --> 00:50:18,169
Nailing me fucking hard!
824
00:50:19,169 --> 00:50:21,673
You know what?
Screw yourself.
825
00:50:23,673 --> 00:50:26,921
Thanks a lot, fuck-snort.
I lost my wood.
826
00:50:37,921 --> 00:50:39,822
You're not coming with us?
827
00:50:39,823 --> 00:50:42,525
It'll be a last-minute decision.
828
00:50:42,526 --> 00:50:44,796
I told you how it works.
829
00:50:46,796 --> 00:50:49,465
The cullens have powers.
830
00:50:49,466 --> 00:50:52,201
Don't underestimate them,
Ronald.
831
00:50:52,202 --> 00:50:55,572
You'll have the numbers,
832
00:50:55,573 --> 00:51:00,143
but they'll be able to
anticipate your every move.
833
00:51:00,144 --> 00:51:02,679
According to your friend.
834
00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:06,785
Yes.
My dead friend--
835
00:51:07,785 --> 00:51:09,819
Gary Coleman.
836
00:51:09,820 --> 00:51:12,054
He found out about the
things they could do,
837
00:51:12,055 --> 00:51:13,922
so they killed him.
838
00:51:13,923 --> 00:51:17,527
But not before
he told me about--
839
00:51:17,528 --> 00:51:21,498
hey, looks like you two
have become quite the couple.
840
00:51:21,499 --> 00:51:22,799
- Fuck.
- What?
841
00:51:22,800 --> 00:51:25,235
No, seriously. You guys are
like a vampire version
842
00:51:25,236 --> 00:51:27,069
of Bonnie and Clyde.
It's so cool.
843
00:51:27,070 --> 00:51:28,670
All right.
Do-- do you mind?
844
00:51:28,671 --> 00:51:31,107
No, I get it.
You want your privacy.
845
00:51:31,108 --> 00:51:32,875
But tell me, is the sex better
846
00:51:32,876 --> 00:51:35,648
as a vampire or as a human?
847
00:51:37,648 --> 00:51:40,282
Oh, come on, Ronny.
Don't be shy, man.
848
00:51:40,283 --> 00:51:42,851
Come on, what's the deal?
Is she not giving it up?
849
00:51:42,852 --> 00:51:45,654
- Would you-- no comment.
- Come on.
850
00:51:45,655 --> 00:51:48,257
Oh, shit. She's not
giving it up, is she?
851
00:51:48,258 --> 00:51:50,293
You're a vampire virgin.
852
00:51:50,294 --> 00:51:52,529
Aww, little Ronny's
a vampire virgin!
853
00:51:52,530 --> 00:51:54,200
All right, stop it!
854
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:58,634
We mess around, okay?
855
00:51:58,635 --> 00:52:00,636
We do everything but.
856
00:52:00,637 --> 00:52:03,273
You know, we just dry humped
like half an hour ago.
857
00:52:03,274 --> 00:52:06,609
Whoa.
Dry humping. Wow.
858
00:52:06,610 --> 00:52:08,911
That's some real
Jonas brothers shit, right?
859
00:52:08,912 --> 00:52:10,112
- Get off me!
- What?
860
00:52:10,113 --> 00:52:12,181
Why don't you give each other
promise rings
861
00:52:12,182 --> 00:52:13,982
and jerk each other off?
862
00:52:13,983 --> 00:52:15,717
I didn't do anything.
You are on thin ice.
863
00:52:15,718 --> 00:52:17,307
- Victoria.
- No.
864
00:52:45,615 --> 00:52:48,585
Don't you think you're
going a little overboard?
865
00:52:48,586 --> 00:52:50,252
If this is all I have to
contribute, I want to be thorough.
866
00:52:50,253 --> 00:52:53,056
- Thorough about what?
- Hey, Jacob.
867
00:52:53,057 --> 00:52:55,223
Alice says there's a storm
coming through tonight.
868
00:52:55,224 --> 00:52:58,694
Yeah yeah.
I can feel it.
869
00:52:58,695 --> 00:53:01,096
I definitely have maximum
shrinkage going on.
870
00:53:01,097 --> 00:53:03,370
Oh, this needs ketchup.
Ooh.
871
00:53:06,370 --> 00:53:08,270
Chipotle.
872
00:53:08,271 --> 00:53:11,343
I'll meet you up there
in a couple hours.
873
00:53:12,343 --> 00:53:15,078
- Ready to go, milady?
- Yeah, yes.
874
00:53:15,079 --> 00:53:17,112
All right, you know what to do.
875
00:53:17,113 --> 00:53:19,047
Got it.
876
00:53:19,048 --> 00:53:20,849
And now-- oh my God!
877
00:53:20,850 --> 00:53:23,853
- Did you gain weight?
- Did you lose muscle?
878
00:53:23,854 --> 00:53:25,989
I'm protecting you.
Ready?
879
00:53:25,990 --> 00:53:28,857
Ahh! That's one.
880
00:53:28,858 --> 00:53:31,061
Yeah, they're not gonna
follow me after that.
881
00:53:32,128 --> 00:53:34,697
Ooh, Jesus, is that
really necessary?
882
00:53:34,698 --> 00:53:35,858
You wanna be safe, don't you?
883
00:53:45,809 --> 00:53:49,814
Um, Ronald? I'm not too
strong of a swimmer.
884
00:53:51,814 --> 00:53:53,348
Neither am I.
885
00:53:53,349 --> 00:53:56,853
I was taking lessons at the y
and my teacher got gonorrhea.
886
00:53:56,854 --> 00:53:58,420
She had to move back to Kansas.
887
00:53:58,421 --> 00:54:01,658
I don't know how to swim,
and I have a vagina.
888
00:54:03,327 --> 00:54:07,230
Enough!
We will figure it out.
889
00:54:07,231 --> 00:54:08,437
Such babies.
890
00:54:14,437 --> 00:54:16,906
Oh Christ, so sorry!
891
00:54:16,907 --> 00:54:19,775
Oh my God!
892
00:54:19,776 --> 00:54:21,278
No worries.
893
00:54:25,782 --> 00:54:28,217
You're gonna really wanna
hurry up there, sweet tits.
894
00:54:28,218 --> 00:54:29,579
Those vampires
are hot on your ass.
895
00:54:41,932 --> 00:54:43,445
Oh, we're almost there.
Awesome.
896
00:54:54,445 --> 00:54:58,147
- Almost got it.
- God, this is hard.
897
00:54:58,148 --> 00:55:00,949
Oh my God.
898
00:55:00,950 --> 00:55:02,791
Let me know when you want
me to jump off, girl.
899
00:55:03,387 --> 00:55:06,154
We're almost there.
900
00:55:06,155 --> 00:55:08,427
Whew.
That burn.
901
00:55:10,427 --> 00:55:13,472
- Okay.
- All right.
902
00:55:22,472 --> 00:55:24,473
- Thank you.
- It was no problem.
903
00:55:24,474 --> 00:55:26,476
We ran into a small
stumbling block
904
00:55:26,477 --> 00:55:29,444
a few Miles down,
but we made it through.
905
00:55:29,445 --> 00:55:31,447
You should probably head
back before the storm hits.
906
00:55:31,448 --> 00:55:34,416
Nah, I'm good.
907
00:55:34,417 --> 00:55:36,985
I think I'm gonna
camp out here tonight.
908
00:55:36,986 --> 00:55:38,955
Besides, I have a dove bar.
909
00:55:38,956 --> 00:55:40,456
Why are you staying here?
910
00:55:40,457 --> 00:55:42,292
'Cause I like to watch.
911
00:55:43,292 --> 00:55:46,068
Let's get you inside the tent.
912
00:55:55,972 --> 00:55:58,141
I'm sorry, sweetie,
913
00:55:58,142 --> 00:56:00,208
I wish there was
something I could do.
914
00:56:00,209 --> 00:56:02,345
It's okay, I'm fine.
915
00:56:05,182 --> 00:56:08,518
Guys, we've got a problem.
916
00:56:08,519 --> 00:56:10,453
Did anybody bring hot sauce?
917
00:56:10,454 --> 00:56:13,523
'Cause this burrito is dry--
whoa, Bella, are you all right?
918
00:56:13,524 --> 00:56:16,224
We're all right, Jacob.
Just leave us alone.
919
00:56:16,225 --> 00:56:18,460
- She doesn't look fine.
- Leave us alone, man.
920
00:56:18,461 --> 00:56:21,464
Hey, this isn't about
you and me, Edward.
921
00:56:21,465 --> 00:56:23,568
This is about Bella.
922
00:56:24,568 --> 00:56:26,435
Come to terms with it, man.
923
00:56:26,436 --> 00:56:27,514
I'm just hotter than you.
924
00:56:37,514 --> 00:56:39,882
You serious?
925
00:56:39,883 --> 00:56:41,516
Keep it clean.
926
00:56:41,517 --> 00:56:43,219
Hey, you got it.
927
00:56:43,220 --> 00:56:46,255
Keep it clean.
928
00:56:46,256 --> 00:56:48,461
Oh yeah.
Really really clean.
929
00:56:52,461 --> 00:56:54,529
I gotta say, Jacob--
I mean,
930
00:56:54,530 --> 00:56:58,037
if the situation
wasn't what it is...
931
00:57:00,037 --> 00:57:02,041
I think we'd probably
be friends.
932
00:57:04,041 --> 00:57:08,314
I know it's weird, but I...
933
00:57:10,314 --> 00:57:12,415
...I think
you're a good guy.
934
00:57:12,416 --> 00:57:15,484
Good, good-- a nice guy.
935
00:57:15,485 --> 00:57:19,323
I-- I mean,
uh, I think...
936
00:57:20,323 --> 00:57:22,257
Your intentions seem to be
in the right place.
937
00:57:22,258 --> 00:57:24,597
It's-- damn it,
man, I mean...
938
00:57:26,597 --> 00:57:28,397
Is it our fault
that our ancestors
939
00:57:28,398 --> 00:57:29,638
have been feuding
for centuries?
940
00:57:30,367 --> 00:57:32,268
Pile-drive me!
941
00:57:32,269 --> 00:57:35,304
- I like you Jacob and...
- I need energy.
942
00:57:35,305 --> 00:57:39,442
- ...I'd like to start over with you.
- Oh God!
943
00:57:39,443 --> 00:57:41,944
Maybe catch a movie,
grab a coffee.
944
00:57:41,945 --> 00:57:45,547
- Road trip to Vegas?
- Ah!
945
00:57:45,548 --> 00:57:47,083
It's crazy.
946
00:57:47,084 --> 00:57:49,518
Vampire, wolf boy,
hanging out, right?
947
00:57:49,519 --> 00:57:52,520
No, I know. I know, right?
But think about it.
948
00:57:52,521 --> 00:57:53,788
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
949
00:57:53,789 --> 00:57:57,525
We could change things for our
kind for future generations.
950
00:57:57,526 --> 00:57:58,895
Oh Buddha.
951
00:57:58,896 --> 00:58:01,231
Fucking-a, man,
we can make a difference.
952
00:58:02,633 --> 00:58:06,282
What do you say?
Wanna go to palm Springs?
953
00:58:19,282 --> 00:58:21,284
Did you have
a good night's sleep?
954
00:58:21,285 --> 00:58:23,319
Yeah, it was good.
955
00:58:23,320 --> 00:58:27,089
I gotta say,
Jacob's not half bad.
956
00:58:27,090 --> 00:58:29,659
I mean, he's a real,
957
00:58:29,660 --> 00:58:32,527
genuine, trustworthy gentleman.
958
00:58:32,528 --> 00:58:35,197
It's hard to find that
in someone these days.
959
00:58:35,198 --> 00:58:36,946
I told you.
960
00:58:49,946 --> 00:58:51,664
Nah.
961
00:59:07,664 --> 00:59:10,465
Oh my God,
these woods are amazing.
962
00:59:10,466 --> 00:59:13,403
I just took the biggest dump
next to poison sumac!
963
00:59:14,403 --> 00:59:16,742
O.M.G.!
964
00:59:18,742 --> 00:59:21,344
We've been totally
looking for you guys.
965
00:59:21,345 --> 00:59:23,746
Hello, Laverne, Shirley.
966
00:59:23,747 --> 00:59:26,215
We called you guys
like, a million times.
967
00:59:26,216 --> 00:59:28,616
We posted, like, a gazillion
messages on your wall.
968
00:59:28,617 --> 00:59:31,353
We sexted nude pictures
to Jasper like, every day.
969
00:59:31,354 --> 00:59:32,688
I did not put that picture
970
00:59:32,689 --> 00:59:35,190
as my desktop profile
picture. I did not.
971
00:59:35,191 --> 00:59:37,692
Listen, ladies, we're a
little busy right now.
972
00:59:37,693 --> 00:59:41,198
Of course, blow us off again, Carlisle.
We're used to it.
973
00:59:42,198 --> 00:59:44,433
You seemed to have
plenty of time for us
974
00:59:44,434 --> 00:59:46,372
during the last exam
of our vaginas.
975
00:59:48,372 --> 00:59:50,438
Okay, girls, honestly.
976
00:59:50,439 --> 00:59:52,607
We're about to go
into battle here.
977
00:59:52,608 --> 00:59:54,342
Look, cut the bullshit.
978
00:59:54,343 --> 00:59:57,445
Are you adopting us or not?
979
00:59:57,446 --> 00:59:59,181
Unfortunately, no.
980
00:59:59,182 --> 01:00:02,485
Well, fuck you, Cullen family.
981
01:00:02,486 --> 01:00:04,024
Fuck you hard.
982
01:00:07,024 --> 01:00:08,491
You wanna go now?
983
01:00:08,492 --> 01:00:11,341
Did anyone notice they kinda
looked a little similar?
984
01:00:25,341 --> 01:00:26,674
What the fuck, hmm?
985
01:00:26,675 --> 01:00:28,677
I thought you knew
where we were going!
986
01:00:28,678 --> 01:00:31,430
Recalculating route.
Damn GPS!
987
01:00:47,430 --> 01:00:49,764
The noobs will be forced to
enter from the east side.
988
01:00:49,765 --> 01:00:52,701
We'll wait until they get
halfway across the battlefield
989
01:00:52,702 --> 01:00:55,737
and then we'll strike, but only
on my command. You got it?
990
01:00:55,738 --> 01:00:57,508
- Right.
- On my command!
991
01:00:59,508 --> 01:01:01,749
You have reached
your destination.
992
01:01:05,749 --> 01:01:08,217
Okay, let's do this.
993
01:01:08,218 --> 01:01:10,652
Lee-Roy-yy
Jenkins!
994
01:01:10,653 --> 01:01:14,292
- Emmet, you moron!
- God damn it.
995
01:01:16,292 --> 01:01:18,262
- Ooh!
- That's enough!
996
01:01:19,262 --> 01:01:21,797
Enough!
997
01:01:21,798 --> 01:01:24,843
- We want them!
- Oh hell no!
998
01:01:32,843 --> 01:01:34,847
It's starting.
999
01:01:37,847 --> 01:01:40,124
He says it's starting.
1000
01:01:48,124 --> 01:01:49,760
They're planking.
1001
01:01:58,635 --> 01:02:01,203
And now they're owling.
1002
01:02:01,204 --> 01:02:04,285
It's really gay.
1003
01:02:15,285 --> 01:02:16,819
Oh my God, they're owling.
1004
01:02:16,820 --> 01:02:18,388
That is so gay.
1005
01:02:19,388 --> 01:02:23,162
Jacob just arrived.
He's marking his territory.
1006
01:02:26,162 --> 01:02:28,365
Still going. Still going.
Anybody still going?
1007
01:02:37,907 --> 01:02:40,743
Someone's hurt?
1008
01:02:40,744 --> 01:02:43,746
She's close.
I can hear her thoughts.
1009
01:02:43,747 --> 01:02:47,916
Something about
needing a Brazilian wax
1010
01:02:47,917 --> 01:02:51,554
because she's getting major
chaffage when she runs.
1011
01:02:51,555 --> 01:02:54,193
Seth, go!
1012
01:02:57,193 --> 01:02:58,893
She found us.
1013
01:02:58,894 --> 01:03:00,466
She's not alone.
1014
01:03:04,466 --> 01:03:05,776
Oh God.
1015
01:03:12,776 --> 01:03:14,743
Ronald, listen to me.
1016
01:03:14,744 --> 01:03:17,880
Victoria is just using you
to distract me.
1017
01:03:17,881 --> 01:03:20,318
She knows I'll kill you.
1018
01:03:22,318 --> 01:03:24,420
In fact, she'll be happy
1019
01:03:24,421 --> 01:03:26,355
to not have
to deal with you anymore.
1020
01:03:26,356 --> 01:03:28,424
Don't listen to him, Ronald.
1021
01:03:28,425 --> 01:03:31,628
I told you about
his mind tricks.
1022
01:03:34,764 --> 01:03:36,998
Don't keep distracted.
Keep watching. Keep watching.
1023
01:03:36,999 --> 01:03:39,812
Oh, which one it could be? Whoa,
whoa, here we go. Here we go.
1024
01:03:48,812 --> 01:03:51,679
- Oh, son of a bitch!
- Ha!
1025
01:03:51,680 --> 01:03:53,616
Oh my goodness.
1026
01:03:53,617 --> 01:03:56,287
You're fucking dead!
1027
01:03:57,287 --> 01:03:59,557
You won't get another
chance like this again!
1028
01:04:00,557 --> 01:04:03,025
You want her.
You want me to feel
1029
01:04:03,026 --> 01:04:05,527
the pain you felt
when I killed James,
1030
01:04:05,528 --> 01:04:07,563
when I tore him to pieces,
1031
01:04:07,564 --> 01:04:09,697
when I turned him to ash,
1032
01:04:09,698 --> 01:04:11,099
when I smoked him out of a bong
1033
01:04:11,100 --> 01:04:14,939
and gave everyone a contact high
at an Enrique iglesias concert.
1034
01:04:33,823 --> 01:04:34,624
Where are you going?
1035
01:04:39,461 --> 01:04:41,564
Aggh!
1036
01:04:53,642 --> 01:04:55,847
Get over here.
1037
01:04:58,847 --> 01:05:00,526
Take this.
1038
01:05:09,526 --> 01:05:11,631
You, where do you think
you're going?
1039
01:05:15,631 --> 01:05:18,082
- Yeah.
- Don't do it.
1040
01:05:39,889 --> 01:05:41,428
Bella!
1041
01:05:45,428 --> 01:05:46,930
Don't do it.
1042
01:05:49,499 --> 01:05:52,403
Oh, your girlfriend's bleeding.
1043
01:05:57,039 --> 01:05:59,074
Come on!
1044
01:05:59,075 --> 01:06:00,378
Oh, I hate you so much.
1045
01:06:01,378 --> 01:06:03,387
So much.
1046
01:06:11,387 --> 01:06:13,456
Mmm...
1047
01:06:35,044 --> 01:06:38,580
Huh.
1048
01:06:38,581 --> 01:06:40,482
- Want one?
- No.
1049
01:06:40,483 --> 01:06:44,520
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's bad!
1050
01:06:44,521 --> 01:06:47,121
That's really-- oh my God,
that's really bad.
1051
01:06:47,122 --> 01:06:50,659
Oh, it's so bad it smells like
coyote carcass with melted gruyere
1052
01:06:50,660 --> 01:06:53,161
that's been left on the side of
the highway for nine months.
1053
01:06:53,162 --> 01:06:56,998
So bad-- oh, it smells
like a turkish sewer system
1054
01:06:56,999 --> 01:07:00,436
after a gay pride parade
in the month of July.
1055
01:07:00,437 --> 01:07:02,036
Oh, oh, so bad, it smells like
1056
01:07:02,037 --> 01:07:04,440
you ate a llama's dump
after it just--
1057
01:07:04,441 --> 01:07:07,176
okay yeah, I know,
I know. It smells bad.
1058
01:07:07,177 --> 01:07:09,877
- Hey, there they are.
- Love the llama's dump line.
1059
01:07:09,878 --> 01:07:10,913
That was really good.
1060
01:07:10,914 --> 01:07:13,162
Congratulations.
1061
01:07:27,162 --> 01:07:30,132
Impressive. I've never seen
a small group like yours
1062
01:07:30,133 --> 01:07:31,833
defeat a large army
like theirs.
1063
01:07:31,834 --> 01:07:33,902
- We were lucky.
- I doubt that.
1064
01:07:33,903 --> 01:07:35,904
Luck is when you have
a six showing
1065
01:07:35,905 --> 01:07:38,239
and the dealer shows
a king and you hit
1066
01:07:38,240 --> 01:07:39,241
and pull up a four and a queen.
1067
01:07:39,242 --> 01:07:45,013
Or when you bet exacta box
on two 50-1 horses
1068
01:07:45,014 --> 01:07:47,648
and they come in win and place.
1069
01:07:47,649 --> 01:07:49,851
Or if you take grambling
over Southern,
1070
01:07:49,852 --> 01:07:52,920
but you have to lay 10 and cover
on a last-second hail Mary.
1071
01:07:52,921 --> 01:07:55,590
- We're gonna have to off all of you.
- Excuse me?
1072
01:07:55,591 --> 01:07:58,662
It'll be quick.
You won't feel a thing.
1073
01:07:59,662 --> 01:08:01,263
Oh, crap!
1074
01:08:01,264 --> 01:08:04,037
- "Storage wars" is on in five.
- What? No one TiVo'd it?
1075
01:08:11,140 --> 01:08:15,043
I'd like to commend you all
on a job well done
1076
01:08:15,044 --> 01:08:17,980
and hope to see you at Edward
and Bella's wedding next month.
1077
01:08:17,981 --> 01:08:19,547
Mazel!
1078
01:08:19,548 --> 01:08:22,084
Married?!
You two are getting married?
1079
01:08:22,085 --> 01:08:24,919
Jacob, you knew
this day was coming.
1080
01:08:24,920 --> 01:08:26,956
By my bronzed body.
1081
01:08:27,956 --> 01:08:29,527
Ah-ha.
1082
01:08:33,630 --> 01:08:36,597
Call off the wedding
or I'll take my life.
1083
01:08:36,598 --> 01:08:38,267
Jacob, put the knife down.
1084
01:08:38,268 --> 01:08:41,236
This does not qualify
as an emergency situation.
1085
01:08:41,237 --> 01:08:44,071
- Call it off.
- Just put the knife down and we'll talk, okay?
1086
01:08:44,072 --> 01:08:45,539
Hey, what's up, Jacob?
1087
01:08:45,540 --> 01:08:48,176
How you feel about the
conflict in the middle east?
1088
01:08:48,177 --> 01:08:49,977
You kidding me? Get the hell
out of here, you asshole.
1089
01:08:49,978 --> 01:08:53,214
Oh, dude.
Dude, I'm sorry.
1090
01:08:53,215 --> 01:08:56,589
My abs.
My glorious abs!
1091
01:09:04,093 --> 01:09:06,839
To Edward and Bella!
1092
01:09:49,839 --> 01:09:53,174
- You have something--
- huh?
1093
01:09:53,175 --> 01:09:55,843
- You have something right here.
- What?
1094
01:09:55,844 --> 01:09:58,045
You've got a goddamn booger
hanging from your nose
1095
01:09:58,046 --> 01:10:00,354
- and it's fucking gross!
- Sorry.
1096
01:10:05,354 --> 01:10:09,324
No measure of time with you
would be long enough,
1097
01:10:09,325 --> 01:10:11,927
but we'll start with...
1098
01:10:11,928 --> 01:10:14,040
Forever.
1099
01:10:40,289 --> 01:10:43,325
Ah-hh!
1100
01:10:43,326 --> 01:10:45,334
Skytram!
1101
01:10:54,003 --> 01:10:56,937
It's impossible.
You're pregnant?
1102
01:10:56,938 --> 01:10:58,440
No, you idiot.
1103
01:10:58,441 --> 01:10:59,943
Oh Christ.
1104
01:11:05,848 --> 01:11:09,051
God, it's a really
bad case of the shits.
1105
01:11:09,052 --> 01:11:12,120
God, I knew I shouldn't have
taken those stupid shrimp tacos
1106
01:11:12,121 --> 01:11:14,756
from that guadalajaran
street vendor last night.
1107
01:11:25,468 --> 01:11:29,271
You're definitely
pregnant, Bella.
1108
01:11:29,272 --> 01:11:31,472
There's only one
slight inconsistency.
1109
01:11:31,473 --> 01:11:33,474
The results of
the blood test reveal
1110
01:11:33,475 --> 01:11:36,945
that the baby's DNA doesn't
exactly match that of Edward's.
1111
01:11:36,946 --> 01:11:38,045
What?
1112
01:11:38,046 --> 01:11:39,880
That's impossible.
1113
01:11:39,881 --> 01:11:41,384
Not according to science.
1114
01:11:42,384 --> 01:11:44,719
Well, then whose is it?
1115
01:11:44,720 --> 01:11:47,457
Daddy's home, bitches!
1116
01:11:54,397 --> 01:11:57,298
Everyone, David here, and I'm
about to watch the new trailer
1117
01:11:57,299 --> 01:11:59,735
for the "twilight" saga
"eclipse" movie.
1118
01:11:59,736 --> 01:12:01,436
We're about
to watch it, people.
1119
01:12:01,437 --> 01:12:04,039
Should we hold hands? We've
always held hands before.
1120
01:12:04,040 --> 01:12:06,407
We probably should.
Very true.
1121
01:12:06,408 --> 01:12:08,744
"The following preview has been
approved for appropriate audiences."
1122
01:12:08,745 --> 01:12:09,379
I'm so nervous.
1123
01:12:10,379 --> 01:12:14,316
Excuse me if I start screaming.
1124
01:12:14,317 --> 01:12:15,765
Oh my God.
1125
01:12:29,765 --> 01:12:32,066
- No. No no no.
- Oh...
1126
01:12:32,067 --> 01:12:34,035
- No no no.
- ...My...
1127
01:12:34,036 --> 01:12:35,839
...God.
1128
01:12:36,839 --> 01:12:38,405
Oh my God!
Did you see that?
1129
01:12:38,406 --> 01:12:40,275
- Oh my God.
- Holy shit!
1130
01:12:40,276 --> 01:12:41,378
Oh, Alice--!
1131
01:12:48,017 --> 01:12:50,552
New "eclipse" clip. New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
1132
01:12:50,553 --> 01:12:51,986
New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
1133
01:12:51,987 --> 01:12:54,021
New "eclipse" clip!
I'm gonna watch it
1134
01:12:54,022 --> 01:12:56,490
because I need to watch it.
I've been waiting to all--
1135
01:12:56,491 --> 01:12:58,426
well, not all day,
but most of today to watch it.
1136
01:12:58,427 --> 01:13:00,227
And I really can't wait anymore
1137
01:13:00,228 --> 01:13:02,129
because apparently
it's got the volturi in it.
1138
01:13:02,130 --> 01:13:04,432
I love the volturi.
Oh my God.
1139
01:13:04,433 --> 01:13:05,432
"Eclipse" clip!
1140
01:13:05,433 --> 01:13:07,936
Oh my God. No...
1141
01:13:07,937 --> 01:13:10,237
I'm looking right now
1142
01:13:10,238 --> 01:13:12,240
at the page and I can watch
the trailer now
1143
01:13:12,241 --> 01:13:13,874
and I'm so nervous!
1144
01:13:13,875 --> 01:13:15,544
Oh my God.
1145
01:13:15,545 --> 01:13:17,079
I can't wait.
1146
01:13:18,548 --> 01:13:20,582
Oh my God, it's the volturi!
1147
01:13:21,917 --> 01:13:23,952
Oh my God!
1148
01:13:30,358 --> 01:13:32,026
Oh my God.
1149
01:13:32,027 --> 01:13:34,995
It's amazing!
1150
01:13:34,996 --> 01:13:37,031
And I love
the part where--
1151
01:13:37,032 --> 01:13:40,134
the "twilight" trailer--
I love the whole part!
1152
01:13:40,135 --> 01:13:42,037
The whole thing!
I love the whole thing!
1153
01:13:48,210 --> 01:13:50,011
Oh my God!
1154
01:13:50,012 --> 01:13:52,614
Why have they not
leaked more? Okay?
1155
01:13:52,615 --> 01:13:54,548
Do they not know
that "twilight" fans
1156
01:13:54,549 --> 01:13:56,884
need more?!
We need more!
1157
01:13:56,885 --> 01:13:59,486
More. Please.
Hi. More, please.
1158
01:13:59,487 --> 01:14:01,589
I love this already.
1159
01:14:01,590 --> 01:14:03,258
I've just seen it.
1160
01:14:03,259 --> 01:14:05,459
I'm crying
because it was so good.
1161
01:14:05,460 --> 01:14:09,463
I've got no voice because
I've spent the last day--
1162
01:14:09,464 --> 01:14:12,467
I'm gonna go book a ticket
for tomorrow morning
1163
01:14:12,468 --> 01:14:14,602
'cause I need to see it again.
1164
01:14:14,603 --> 01:14:17,204
Oh my God, oh my God. I've just
seen it for the fifth time.
1165
01:14:17,205 --> 01:14:20,008
I saw it four times yesterday
and I've just gotten home
1166
01:14:20,009 --> 01:14:23,879
after seeing it for the fifth
time and I am totally exhausted.
1167
01:14:23,880 --> 01:14:25,981
And I'm never gonna get
sick of this film ever.
1168
01:14:25,982 --> 01:14:28,583
It's just not gonna happen.
No, it's not gonna happen.
1169
01:14:28,584 --> 01:14:30,619
No, it's not.
I fucking love this film!
1170
01:14:30,620 --> 01:14:32,152
I fucking love this film!
1171
01:14:32,153 --> 01:14:33,989
I fucking loved
every single minute of it
1172
01:14:33,990 --> 01:14:35,456
and I didn't get kicked out,
1173
01:14:35,457 --> 01:14:36,892
which is actually
quite a surprise to me
1174
01:14:36,893 --> 01:14:37,361
because that's normally what would
happen, to be totally honest with you.
1175
01:14:38,361 --> 01:14:41,365
Oh my God, I have to go and see it
again and again and again and again.
1176
01:14:42,365 --> 01:14:43,999
I don't even have
any other words.
1177
01:14:44,000 --> 01:14:46,034
And I'm tired,
yet I'm still hyper
1178
01:14:46,035 --> 01:14:48,069
and I've never really
done that before.
1179
01:14:48,070 --> 01:14:51,673
And I'm eating jaffa cakes
for no apparent reason.
1180
01:14:51,674 --> 01:14:53,909
No reason.
1181
01:14:53,910 --> 01:14:56,343
No.
No reason.
1182
01:14:56,344 --> 01:14:58,180
Bye.
1183
01:14:59,180 --> 01:15:02,249
♪ The closer you are ♪
1184
01:15:02,250 --> 01:15:05,687
♪ the better I am ♪
1185
01:15:05,688 --> 01:15:08,255
♪ I wanna spend my life ♪
1186
01:15:08,256 --> 01:15:10,494
♪ with you ♪
1187
01:15:11,494 --> 01:15:15,396
♪ let's take a chance ♪
1188
01:15:15,397 --> 01:15:18,266
♪ go somewhere
we've never been ♪
1189
01:15:18,267 --> 01:15:21,236
♪ it's cold, it's cold,
it's cold outside ♪
1190
01:15:21,237 --> 01:15:24,539
♪ in here, in here,
it's warm with you ♪
1191
01:15:24,540 --> 01:15:27,508
♪ it's cold, it's cold,
it's cold outside ♪
1192
01:15:27,509 --> 01:15:31,346
♪ in here, in here,
it's warm... ♪
1193
01:15:31,347 --> 01:15:33,580
No.
1194
01:15:33,581 --> 01:15:35,482
Oh no.
1195
01:15:35,483 --> 01:15:36,718
Oh God, no.
1196
01:15:36,719 --> 01:15:38,218
No.
1197
01:15:38,219 --> 01:15:41,155
Son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch!
1198
01:15:41,156 --> 01:15:42,356
Oh God, why?
1199
01:15:42,357 --> 01:15:44,995
Oh-- God.
1200
01:15:45,995 --> 01:15:47,598
- Ah yeah.
- No.
1201
01:15:50,966 --> 01:15:54,302
Cut!
1202
01:15:54,303 --> 01:15:56,671
...how much
you mean to me.
1203
01:16:02,510 --> 01:16:05,910
Made you a little something. Made you a little something.
Made you a little something.
1204
01:16:06,381 --> 01:16:07,720
Oh my God.
1205
01:16:12,722 --> 01:16:15,258
I like to watch.
1206
01:16:16,258 --> 01:16:18,262
I like to watch.
1207
01:16:20,262 --> 01:16:22,062
Your vagina feels so good.
1208
01:16:22,063 --> 01:16:24,264
I can fuckin' do this
all night.
1209
01:16:24,265 --> 01:16:27,002
- Caliente?
- Oh, muy mucho!
1210
01:16:27,003 --> 01:16:29,040
I don't know Spanish!
1211
01:16:36,012 --> 01:16:38,415
Ah, excuse me.
1212
01:16:44,219 --> 01:16:46,654
Oh, uh, he sharted himself.
1213
01:16:46,655 --> 01:16:47,457
And action.
1214
01:16:49,457 --> 01:16:51,493
It'll be fun.
We'll have a chalupa truck,
1215
01:16:51,494 --> 01:16:54,094
a petting zoo
and we'll drink some blood.
1216
01:16:54,095 --> 01:16:56,231
Is that Japan?
1217
01:16:56,232 --> 01:16:57,632
Is that Japan there?
1218
01:16:57,633 --> 01:16:58,799
They will take your ass.
1219
01:16:58,800 --> 01:17:01,338
They will take your property
like they're playing risk.
1220
01:17:02,338 --> 01:17:03,737
Oh sorry.
1221
01:17:03,738 --> 01:17:05,740
Who's next, pussies?!
1222
01:17:05,741 --> 01:17:07,642
I killed my wife!
1223
01:17:07,643 --> 01:17:10,678
Shut up. Just shut
that lying face.
1224
01:17:10,679 --> 01:17:12,713
We need to rework
our voting system.
1225
01:17:12,714 --> 01:17:15,253
I feel like it was flawed.
1226
01:17:17,253 --> 01:17:20,221
He's nailing her good. She's
taking it like your mom used to.
1227
01:17:20,222 --> 01:17:23,191
- I'm proud of you, mom.
- Cut.
1228
01:17:23,192 --> 01:17:25,560
I'm good with one.
1229
01:17:25,561 --> 01:17:28,495
Ah-hh.
1230
01:17:28,496 --> 01:17:30,432
I'm a giver.
Ah-hh.
1231
01:17:30,433 --> 01:17:32,801
"Taiwanese" means
"two hookers" anyway.
1232
01:17:32,802 --> 01:17:34,402
Two hookers, two hookers.
1233
01:17:38,406 --> 01:17:39,773
What the fuck?!
1234
01:17:39,774 --> 01:17:42,811
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
1235
01:17:42,812 --> 01:17:44,846
Ahh!
1236
01:17:44,847 --> 01:17:47,615
Ahh-hah!
1237
01:17:47,616 --> 01:17:49,385
Ah-ha-ha.
1238
01:17:50,385 --> 01:17:53,357
I wish all vampires
had such control.
1239
01:17:56,357 --> 01:17:59,494
You know what I mean? You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
1240
01:17:59,495 --> 01:18:00,630
I do.
1241
01:18:01,630 --> 01:18:04,298
Yeah, it'll be fun.
We'll have a chalupa truck,
1242
01:18:04,299 --> 01:18:07,634
a petting zoo and, uh...
1243
01:18:07,635 --> 01:18:09,070
- Whatever.
- ...Whatever.
1244
01:18:09,071 --> 01:18:10,672
You can just call it on the fly.
Nice.
1245
01:18:11,372 --> 01:18:12,607
Huh?
1246
01:18:16,277 --> 01:18:20,315
Alice, don't be angry because
you're too tight to do anal.
1247
01:18:20,316 --> 01:18:22,749
- Action.- God.
1248
01:18:22,750 --> 01:18:25,186
Knife-in-my-chest,
this hurts.
1249
01:18:25,187 --> 01:18:27,521
Hold that backdrop.
1250
01:18:27,522 --> 01:18:31,125
Ow.
Are you okay?
1251
01:18:31,126 --> 01:18:31,728
I quit!
1252
01:18:33,728 --> 01:18:35,897
- Quiel, you too?
- Yup, finally made the pack.
1253
01:18:40,803 --> 01:18:44,338
- Ahh.
- No thanks.
1254
01:18:44,339 --> 01:18:46,773
That feels really good, huh?
Oh yeah, it does.
1255
01:18:46,774 --> 01:18:49,776
♪ He said the fault is mine ♪
1256
01:18:49,777 --> 01:18:52,213
♪ he said I shouldn't lie ♪
1257
01:18:52,214 --> 01:18:55,749
♪ I say he's out of his mind ♪
1258
01:18:55,750 --> 01:18:59,254
♪ I said he'd make me cry ♪
1259
01:18:59,255 --> 01:19:02,356
♪ he said he's tried his best ♪
1260
01:19:02,357 --> 01:19:04,791
♪ he says I shouldn't jest ♪
1261
01:19:04,792 --> 01:19:07,928
♪ I say he's out of his mind ♪
1262
01:19:07,929 --> 01:19:11,932
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
1263
01:19:11,933 --> 01:19:15,904
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
1264
01:19:15,905 --> 01:19:19,307
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
1265
01:19:19,308 --> 01:19:22,243
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
1266
01:19:22,244 --> 01:19:25,280
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
1267
01:19:25,281 --> 01:19:28,650
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
1268
01:19:28,651 --> 01:19:31,852
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
1269
01:19:31,853 --> 01:19:34,923
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
1270
01:19:34,924 --> 01:19:37,892
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
1271
01:19:37,893 --> 01:19:39,928
♪ long ♪
1272
01:19:39,929 --> 01:19:41,096
♪ time with you ♪
1273
01:19:41,097 --> 01:19:44,331
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
1274
01:19:44,332 --> 01:19:47,901
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
1275
01:19:47,902 --> 01:19:50,571
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
1276
01:19:50,572 --> 01:19:53,907
♪ long ♪
1277
01:19:53,908 --> 01:19:56,276
♪ he said I bitch too much ♪
1278
01:19:56,277 --> 01:19:58,679
♪ I said the drugs his clutch ♪
1279
01:19:58,680 --> 01:20:01,915
♪ I know he's out of his mind ♪
1280
01:20:01,916 --> 01:20:03,589
♪ I said he'd make me cry ♪
1281
01:20:06,589 --> 01:20:08,856
♪ he said that he could quit ♪
1282
01:20:08,857 --> 01:20:10,959
♪ he lied and took a hit ♪
1283
01:20:10,960 --> 01:20:14,696
♪ I know he's out of mind ♪
1284
01:20:14,697 --> 01:20:18,865
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
1285
01:20:18,866 --> 01:20:22,303
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
1286
01:20:22,304 --> 01:20:25,706
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
1287
01:20:25,707 --> 01:20:28,575
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
1288
01:20:28,576 --> 01:20:31,579
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
1289
01:20:31,580 --> 01:20:34,982
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
1290
01:20:34,983 --> 01:20:38,285
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
1291
01:20:38,286 --> 01:20:41,455
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
1292
01:20:41,456 --> 01:20:44,025
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
1293
01:20:44,026 --> 01:20:46,026
♪ long ♪
1294
01:20:46,027 --> 01:20:47,962
♪ time with you ♪
1295
01:20:47,963 --> 01:20:50,865
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
1296
01:20:50,866 --> 01:20:53,901
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
1297
01:20:53,902 --> 01:20:56,904
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
1298
01:20:56,905 --> 01:21:00,874
♪ long ♪
1299
01:21:00,875 --> 01:21:03,380
♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
1300
01:21:05,380 --> 01:21:07,550
♪ yeah yeah ♪
1301
01:21:09,550 --> 01:21:12,020
♪ he said he's glad I cried ♪
1302
01:21:12,021 --> 01:21:14,454
♪ I said,
"your brain's so fried" ♪
1303
01:21:14,455 --> 01:21:17,791
♪ I know he's out of his mind ♪
1304
01:21:17,792 --> 01:21:21,829
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
1305
01:21:21,830 --> 01:21:25,532
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
1306
01:21:25,533 --> 01:21:28,870
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
1307
01:21:28,871 --> 01:21:31,873
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
1308
01:21:31,874 --> 01:21:34,808
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
1309
01:21:34,809 --> 01:21:37,380
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
1310
01:21:38,380 --> 01:21:41,316
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
1311
01:21:41,317 --> 01:21:44,389
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong... ♪
1312
01:21:47,389 --> 01:21:49,392
Oh my God.
Jesus Christ, that reeks.
1313
01:21:50,392 --> 01:21:52,827
- Jesus!
- I'm sorry!
96919
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