All language subtitles for The.Thief.His.Wife.and.the.Canoe.S01E01.

JOURNALISTS CHATTER

I think you've maybe
forgotten, buddy,

I cut you in on the
Timberlake story.

And you made a fortune
out of that mother, so

just goddamn pick up, David. Cos
I know you're in there with her!

HE SHOUTS IN SPANISH

What, you saw her?

She just ran out of the
back with some others.

What's out the back?
HE SHOUTS IN SPANISH.

There's more than one car.

Oh, it's smart...

They're sending out decoys.

She's in the back of the
Beamer! TYRES SCREECH.

Shit!

Did it work? I don't know.

How did they know where to find
me? Journalists, it's what we do.

I'll try San Miguelito.
We'll lose them, for sure.

WOMAN EXCLAIMS

Oh, Jesus, Stef! You want
me to lose them or not?

TYRES SCREECH

How are we doing?
I can't see anyone.

You think we've lost them now?

I think we actually might have.

PHONE RINGS

Pete? We're right behind you.

No, you're not.
Look out the back.

What do you want?
Just one photo.

You can have the story,
I just want a snap.

In the nicest possible
way, Pete, piss off.

Is he behind us?
No, he's bluffing.

OK, he's not bluffing.
Faster, Stef! On it.

'I expect you're wondering
how I ended up here.

'So am I.

'All I ever wanted
was a simple life.'

'December 2000.

'The third worst
Christmas of my life.

'This was a whole year
before it properly began.

'But we'd already lost grip.'

Anne!

Come on, love!

Shake a bloody leg!

Do you want to grab that, love?

Strong as an ox, that one.

Did you put the kettle on? I
was doing this, like you said.

No problemo, I'll do it.

How are we going to
furnish it all, John?

Or decorate it?

Because every single
room needs doing.

Of 13.

MUSIC THUMPS FROM NEXT DOOR
And how are we gonna heat it?

Not to mention next
door, which, by the way,

you can hear on every floor
through those bloody doors.

Drunks and drug addicts
and people having sex.

I mean, just how are we
gonna pay for any of it?

With next door, love.

11 bedsits, which
I will be doing up.

As I've explained

a thousand times.

And how long before
this isn't enough?

SHOUTING FROM NEXT DOOR

I'll get all those
bricked up, soundproofed.

We'll never need them anyway.

And this time, this
is it. I promise.

'Except, of course, it wasn't.'

Hang on, move in a
bit, I can't see.

'John was a man who'd buy a Range
Rover he couldn't afford...'

Now, say, "Cheese!"

'..And then spend 3,000 on a
personalised number plate.'

Cheese!

'And all before we'd
got the gas connected.'

Tea?

Oh, thanks.

There you go. Thank you.

Happy New Year! Oh, happy
New Year! Happy New Year!

'John was a man who wouldn't
just buy number three,

'if he could kid the bank
to lend him enough money

'to buy number four as well.

'On top of the 12 rental
properties we already owned.

'John was a man who
always needed more...'

John!

'..Of everything.

'To show just how
far he'd travel led

'from the stink and the soot of
the colliery town he'd come from.'

DRIPPING

'Except now

'it was all finally
falling apart.'

WIND HOWLS

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

John, stop.

American Express called
again this afternoon.

They've said they're going to
have to send the bailiffs in.

And I just totted up the others.

You owe 64,000 on
13 different cards.

Never mind the mortgage.

Because the markets
have collapsed.

I mean, I'm trying my
best here. I really am.

But there are never enough
hours in the day to do it all.

The shifts at the prison, having
to find new tenants all the time,

the endless repairs.

And I know you're
doing your best, love.

I do.

And I know it isn't your fault.

But we do still have to
face up to reality now,

because I can't go on like this.

No, I know.

Do you?

Of course.

I know you think I
don't take it seriously.

But I do.

In fact, I've been thinking
of pretty much nothing else

for the last six months.

And as far as I can see, we
don't have a lot of choice.

As far as I can see, there is
only one sensible solution.

And I know how hard that'll be.

I know how important
it was for you

to feel like you'd
bettered yourself.

But I promise you

filing for bankruptcy won't make
me love you one single jot less.

Bankruptcy? Yes.

What are you talking about?

You said there was only
one sensible solution.

And there is.

But it's not bankruptcy.

Well, what on Earth is it, then?

You're going to love this.

Well, I don't even
know where to start.

I mean, apart from it
being completely illegal,

apart from it being
totally immoral,

what in God's name do you think
it would do to our family?

To our boys?

To your dad, my
parents, to any of them,

to actually think you were dead?

I think they'd be upset for a few
weeks and then they'd get over it.

You've lost your mind, John.

You are literally
mad and... Enough!

I am most certainly
not mad, Anne.

What I am is a man who
thinks outside the box.

Oh, are you?

And no of fence, but that
takes a certain sort of brain.

So... I need you
to trust me here.

Because this

is a very good idea.

Is it?

OK, so talk me through it,
then, please, in detail,

this "very good idea".

I have a canoe
downstairs in the cellar.

And I have that canoe
because, as you know,

I used to like canoeing.

Now, it would be fair to say it has
been some time since I last used it.

So, for the purposes of
phase one of my plan,

we will need to remind people
of my historic love of canoeing,

but also of my intention,
once again, to take it up.

And this will thus require,

at appropriate moments in
the coming weeks and months,

that you and I drop it into
conversation with people.

Saying something
along the lines of,

"John's thinking of
starting up canoeing again."

Right.

Meanwhile, in tandem, I
will start to assemble

what will essentially
be a survival kit.

An emergency kit

comprising everything I'd
need to survive in the wild

for an unspecified
period of time.

A tent, obviously.
A sleeping bag.

A stove. Clothes. A torch.

A penknife.

Maybe some Kendal
Mint Cake, whatever.

These examples are illustrative,
rather than exhaustive,

but I'm sure you get my drift.

Now, once I have
assembled my kit,

I will then start to monitor
local weather reports,

forecasts, tides, sea
conditions etc, etc.

And then, on a pre-arranged day,

when we are sure that
the weather is fine,

phase one of the
plan will begin.

So

you will go to work as if
everything were completely normal.

And I will covertly
survey the street,

and then, at an
appropriate moment,

that is, when a
neighbour is approaching,

I will walk out of the front
door with the canoe under my arm,

ensuring I am seen.

I will then carry the
canoe down to the beach,

making sure a few people
see me there as well.

I will then put the
canoe in the water,

I will get in it, and I
will paddle out to sea.

I will then bank north and paddle
along the coast for a few miles.

And then, at an appropriate point,
now out of sight of any walkers,

I will then paddle back in.

And once ashore, I
will unpack my kit,

I will break the paddle,
throw it out to sea.

I will push the
canoe out as well.

I will then make my
way across country

and pick a wild and remote
spot where I shall then hide.

You'll hide? I will then hide.

In your tent? In my tent.

So

that very same evening,
you will return from work,

realise I am not there
and spot that the canoe,

which was in the
hallway, has now gone.

You'll ring my work. You'll
ring a few friends maybe.

Well, we don't have any fr...
Then, finally, desperately worried,

you will ring the police
and raise the alarm.

They will then send
a boat out for me.

They? The police, or
the lifeboat people,

or whoever, they will send
a boat out to look for me.

They obviously won't find me.

And so, eventually,
after a few hours,

it'll be assumed I've had a
heart attack or something,

or the weather turned.

I thought you said
the weather was good.

Anne, will you just...?

And so, you, meanwhile,
have been sitting tight,

as various formalities
and procedures and whatnot

have been worked
through. Whatnot?

Which will all conclude,
a week or so later,

with me, tragically,
being declared dead.

At which point, you will be able
to claim the life insurance.

And at which point
also, my dear wife,

we will, ironically

be home and dry.

What could be simpler?

And then?

What do you mean, "And then"?

Well, what happens then to us,
cos you'll be dead, won't you?

So, how are we meant
to be together?

I mean, maybe you
have plastic surgery

and I marry this new bloke I've
met who looks a bit like you.

That's actually not a bad...

Or maybe the plan's for me to
give you all the insurance money

and for you to run off
with one of your tarts.

Was that it? That's
not the plan at all.

No, John, I simply will
not be a part of it.

I am not telling such an utterly
dreadful lie to the police,

to our family, but,
most importantly,

to our two beautiful sons.

I could not think of doing
something so completely appalling,

and I am so upset
that you could.

So it's not happening, ever, OK?

Well, I suppose I'll have
to do it for real, then.

Do what?

Top myself.

What? I'm sorry, love.

But I'd genuinely
prefer to end it all

than face the shame

of bankruptcy.

I just couldn't bear it.

No, love, tell me you
would never do it.

No, I would.

To lose everything I've
worked for my whole life

I would, my darling.

'I suspected it was a lie.

'But I couldn't be sure.

'And he knew that.'

'Every day, for weeks,

'I continued to try to
dissuade him, to resist him.

'But he was determined.'

I can just buy a new one.

BANGING ON THE DOOR

I've come about your
unpaid bills, Mr Darwin!

'In the end, I genuinely don't
think he could see another way out.'

I'm not going
anywhere until you do!

It's tomorrow, then.

What?

I'm doing it tomorrow. No, John.

The weather's perfect,
the tides are right.

Please, please,
think of the boys.

For Christ's sakes, Anne,
I'm doing it tomorrow.

I'm doing it tomorrow.

And I am asking you to
support me, your husband.

Tomorrow.

John, please...

No-one is queueing up for
a woman like you, Anne.

They weren't when I married you,
and they certainly wouldn't be now!

TELEPHONE RINGS

Surgery. JOHN: Annie...

I'll see you at the
meeting point tonight.

Do not be late.

HE HANGS UP

KEYBOARD CLACKS

Nice weather for it!

Sorry?

I said, nice weather for it!

For a spot of canoeing.

Oh, right, yeah, I guess.
See you later, then.

Oh...

Sorry!

Thank you.

Oh...!

Buggeration!

DOOR KEYPAD BEEPS

PANTING FOR BREATH

CAR DOOR OPENS

What bloody time
do you call this?

It's nearly half past!

I'm dying of sodding
hypothermia here!

CAR STARTS

HEATER WHOOSHES

It'll all be over in
a couple of weeks.

I promise you, love.

It'll be tricky for a few days.

And then people will move on,

and we'll be able to
get back on track.

Trust me.

I love you.

Don't let me down.

OVER TANNOY: The
train at platform four

is the delayed 20:16 TransPennine
service to Carlisle...

'I read this story
in the Echo once.

'About a hot-air balloon
that had escaped its mooring

'with a little
boy in the basket.

'A lady had grabbed hold of a rope
and tried to pull it back down,

'but she wasn't strong enough.

'And the balloon, with
her now hanging on,

'had continued to rise.

'And as she considered
whether she should let go

'and maybe break a leg,

'or keep holding on
and hope her weight

'would eventually bring
the balloon back down,

'in that moment, it had
risen a further 30 feet.

'At that point,

'her only choice was
to hold on and pray.'

TELEPHONE LINE RINGS

RINGING CONTINUES

'Emergency 999. What
service do you require?'

Police, please. I think my
husband might be missing.

GULLS CALL

And what time was he meant
to have been at work?

His shift was meant
to start at seven.

OK. Do you want to go and
check on the neighbours,

see if anyone saw him
leave with a canoe?

Anne, do you have a photo
of John we could use,

just in case we...? No.

I'm sorry?

He had a thing about
having his photo taken.

I don't have any, I'm
afraid. None at all.

Are there any issues going on
that we need to know about?

Any rows, any money issues?

You know, anything at all
that might have caused him

to want to get away
for a few days?

No, none at all.

So, he's 51 and
fairly fit, you say.

But he hasn't used the
canoe for a few years...

I've got a neighbour who saw him
walk down to the beach with it.

And a dog-walker who saw him
going into the water with it.

Both about six hours ago. OK.

Erm, I think we're gonna have
to call this one in, Anne,

get some people out
looking for him, OK, so

is there anyone that can
be with you right now?

My brother.

'I had no idea, none whatsoever,

'how big it would
get and how fast.'

I'm standing now outside
the Seaton Carew residence

of the lone canoeist, named by
police as John Ronald Darwin,

who paddled out to
sea earlier today,

but has not been seen since.

Anne?

Oh, Michael, what am I
gonna do? It's OK, pet.

It's going to be OK.

I told him not to.

I said, "Don't do
it." I'm sure you did.

Have you called the boys yet?

I can't... I can't tell them.

Please, don't make me tell
them. Please, I can't. I can't.

It's OK, you don't
have to tell them.

Because they're
going to find him.

Very soon, I swear.

And if I know your John, he'll
be absolutely bloody fine.

Full English, please.

Okey-do key.

And breakfast is
between 7:00 and 9:00.

Lovely.

So

there's your key, Mr Allen.

Number five, which is second
floor, third one down on the left.

Thank you.

REPORTER ON TV: 'And so
what sort of difficulties

'might a canoeist run into
in these sorts of conditions?

'Multiple. I mean, he
might have lost his paddle.

'He could have had an issue...'

Anyway...

I think I'll turn in.

Night, love. Good night.

'We've got three boats,
two choppers and one plane,

'so that's about 60 men
and women, all told.'

You have to eat something, love.

And they'll find him.

I know they will.

60 men and women, Anne,
working on it day and night.

So...

Mam and Dad are driving over.

And I think it probably is time
now that we let the boys know.

Anthony's on holiday in Niagara.

He's gone there to
propose to Louise.

Maybe I'll try Mark first.

Anne...?

SHE THUMPS UP THE STAIRS

Are you all right? SHE GROANS.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Mark Darwin. 'Oh, hi, Mark.

'I've got a man on the line who
says he's your Uncle Michael.'

Er, put him through.

ON RADIO: 'Hopes are
fading in the search

'for missing Seaton Carew
resident John Darwin.

'Mr Darwin, 51, who went
missing over 24 hours ago,

'was last seen paddling
out to sea in his canoe.

'Despite being an
experienced kayaker

'and favourable weather
conditions yesterday,

'Darwin has failed
to return to shore.

'The Coastguard are still searching,
but with every passing hour,

'the chances of fining Mr Darwin
alive are significantly reduced.'

REPORTERS SHOUT QUESTIONS

No, no, no.

One second, Mr Darwin!
Can you just give us...?

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAIRS

They're going to find
him, Mam, I promise you.

And he...

He's going to be fine.

I promise.

No, sweetheart, I think
we've lost him, I really do.

I think he's gone.

'I did so many dreadful things
over the next few years.

'But this...

'This moment will remain
with me till the day I die.'

'Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking...'

He was always having
these hair-brained,

get-rich-quick schemes.

And there was this
time that he decided

the future was in garden gnomes.

And he bought a load of
them cheap somewhere.

And me and Mark and him spent
weeks in the shed painting them.

Selling them at boot fairs.

I think for a loss in the end.

But we loved it.

'Over the next few days,
the police came and went.

'Somehow, they managed to
find absolutely nothing

'in John's effects and documents

'that suggested anything
other than what I'd told them.

'And then, four days after
he'd gone missing...'

THUNDER CRACKS '..a
new officer came over.'

I'm afraid they are now

calling the search off, Anne.

And I think we probably do all
need to prepare for the worst.

Obviously, not now,

but at some point, I will
need you to make a statement.

PHONE RINGS

RINGING CONTINUES

Oh, sorry, that's me.

RINGING CONTINUES

Hello?

Hiya, love.

It's me.

Are you OK, Mam?

'Anne?'

Anne, can you hear me?

Mum...? Anne?

Sorry, it's a friend from
the choir just checking in.

One second, Jean.

Are you insane?

'I've got the police here, John,
not to mention our family, '

my brother, the boys.

Well, how was I to
know? 'Well, clearly.'

I mean, how you could
ever have thought

this would all be
over in a few days...

It will be. No,
John, it won't be.

It's huge, the whole
thing is snowballing.

And I cannot believe
I let you convince me.

'Well, it's no bloody picnic
here, either, let me tell you!

My mattress keeps deflating.

I've had no hot
food for three days.

And I've got chilblains!

I'm sorry, John, I really
can't talk to you right now.

Well, call me tomorrow,
then. At this number.

'Seven o'clock.'

No, I'm sorry, I
can't. 'Please, Anne.'

Please, I really need you.

I'm so lonely.

'And I'm sorry about the things
I said. I didn't mean them.'

I'm just scared, and
I want you to know...

ANNE HANGS UP

I'll give you a call. Yeah.

'I don't know. 'No,
no, no, no, no.

'No, you have to guess,
that's the game.'

'I'm not in the mood for
games, John, just tell me,

'where have you decided to live
when it's all calmed down?'

'Number four.'

What?

Think about it.

Where's the last place anyone
would ever think of looking?

Next bloody door!

'It's genius, Anne.

'We'll do up one
of the bedsits.'

We've got all the
interconnecting doors.

'It's perfect!

'Annie?

'Anne?'

LAUGHTER FROM ARCADE GAME

'Anne?

'Anne?'

ARCADE GAME LAUGHTER CONTINUES

'In the end, I came to my senses

'and realised I couldn't let
the boys lose both of us.

'Over the next few weeks,
I felt I had no choice

'but to speak to John
every couple of days.'

'If I never eat another Mars
bar, it'll be a day too soon.

'And meat pies. Oh,
Anne, the indigestion!'

'And every, single time, I
begged him to turn himself in.

'If not for me, for his boys.

'But

'he never wavered,
not for a second.

'He had total belief that he
was doing the right thing.

'And, of course, I should have
just turned him in myself, but

'maybe I still hoped I
could bring the balloon

back down to Earth somehow without
anyone getting too badly hurt.

'And then, finally,

'the boys had to go back to
their jobs and real lives.'

TELEPHONE RINGS

'Anne?'

SHE SIGHS WEARILY

Hello, John.

SHE TURNS OFF THE ENGINE

Gotcha! Oh, my God!

Ha!

You stupid idiot!

Well, it's nice to see you, too.

Oh, my God, John, when
did you last wash?

Open your window, that's
disgusting. Oh, come on.

Give us a kiss. Get off me!

Sorry.

It's still not too late,
you know, to own up.

The worst is over now, pet.

I promise you.

It'll be so much
easier from here on in.

Or you could just tell the boys.

Because they've
been so upset, John.

Absolutely devastated.

I promise you, if you'd
seen what I've seen...

Well, we could tell them, but

if it ever goes tits up, they'd be
implicated, then, wouldn't they?

I mean, they could
end up in prison.

And do we really
want that, Anne?

Do you?

SHE STARTS THE CAR

There.

What are these?

Front door for number four
and then room number eight.

I've put fresh
sheets on the bed.

There's money in the
meter for hot water

and a microwave ready-meal
next to the sink.

Anne, love, hang on. What
are you talking about?

I'm staying with you
tonight, aren't I?

It's been a long
three weeks, love.

For both of us.

But we need to stick
to the plan, John.

The one your "certain kind
of brain" came up with.

If I think it's safe, I might
let you in for breakfast at nine.

MICROWAVE BEEPS

MICROWAVE WHIRS

MICROWAVE DINGS

WIND HOWLS OUTSIDE

GENTLE KNOCKING

HE KNOCKS

Anne...

Can you open the door, please?

Anne...

I'm so lonely.

It was that posh one.

What's his face.

Thingy Fox.

We saw it at The Majestic.
I don't remember it.

Yeah, you do. Anyway, he gets
a fake passport easy-peasy.

So, I'm just going to
do the same as him,

maybe without the assassination
of the French President bit.

TELEPHONE RINGS

4980801.

Of course.

No, that's fine.

OK, see you then.

Bye, now.

So, we should probably talk about
getting the insurance claim going.

The police are coming over.

Say what? In about 20 minutes.

They said it's routine, but
they want to do another search.

Fuck!

OK, yeah.

No problem.

Did you find anything?

Not here, no.

What do you mean, not here?

I'm so sorry, Anne.

So... what now?

Well, I need to
speak to my boss.

But I don't think
we're in any doubt now

about what's happened here.

That your husband's had
some kind of accident at sea

and has, tragically,
lost his life.

So, to be honest with you, Anne

this is pretty much
case closed for us now.

THUNDER RUMBLES

'At that moment, he truly
thought he'd got away with it.'

LAUGHTER FROM ARCADE GAME

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