All language subtitles for rick.and.morty.s06e06.1080p.web.h264-glhf_Track03

And in Weird Things in Space News,
that mysterious "rift" is still there.

Not gone yet.

You remember that don’t you?
It’s probably important.

Back to you, Tabitha.

Rick, Mom’s working and Dad’s
still sleeping, I’m gonna be late!

Yeah, yeah. I got you, here.

Holy shit.
Is the portal gun working again.

Yeah pretty much.

Sometimes that happens

Just get the keys.

It’s actually been nice taking a break
from the portal travel stuff.

I’ve been racking up a lot of

-high school adventures.
-I have a process, Morty.

I’m fixing my portal gun and every time
you bring it up it blocks my creative flow

and then I’m forced
to take longer on purpose

-just to train you to not bring it up.
-Jeez. Do you know what projection is?

-Do you?
-No. I heard Mom use it.

Lord no! He’s here again?
Morty protocol, children!

What’s it now? Brain Bugs? Space Worms?
Have I been The Facultied again?

You guys don’t have to
react like this every day

Last time the aliens made me lick
all the toilet seats!

That’s right, made me! I see that
look on your faces.

-What did you do, ya tiny monster?
-This isn’t me.

The people demand to know, do these
visitors come in peace? But first.

Peter’s Pizza Corner!

-What slice we reviewing today, Petey?
-Cheese.

If these aliens want Earth,
they’ll have to go through Egypt.

And they can ask mummies how that goes.

Mummy Mia!

-Dinosaurs are back?
-Monkeys went bald?

Before we start, where are the
rest of us?

They died. Long time ago.

Way before us. We didn’t see nothin’.

But surely our ancestors must have left
some evidence behind.

Why is he nervous?

Because, you’re dinosaurs.

It’s weird. Thought you were dead.

Moving on, we, quote, "dinosaurs"
evolved here on Earth

until our technology was
planetarily harmonic.

That being the goal with technology.

After we achieved perfect balance
with Mother Earth,

our best and bravest left
to help other planets.

Over millions of years we’ve called many
worlds home and helped each one flourish.

Imagine our surprise upon returning home
to find our species extinct

and Earth now in the care of... you guys.

When we left,
you were basically squirrels.

Well, we’ve come a long way and
we’ve buried a lot more than nuts!

We’ve evolved past
non-constructive criticism

so let’s agree you’ve done your best.

You’re still alive. But surely
there was some point between

gun powder and

something called Amazon Prime that
you folks had to think,

are we supposed to be running a planet?

Wouldn’t we rather make

"Marvel movies?" How many Marvel
movies have you made?

Twenty-nine and fourteen more on the way.

See you love doing that. And we love
helping new life forms get their footing.

So now that we’re back,
we can respectfully take it from here.

Now hold on. If you’ve seen Endgame,

you know invasion is not something
Earth takes lying down.

This is not an invasion, besides
wouldn’t you like to lie down?

You must be exhausted.

Put your feet up, get more tattoos, finish
rounding out this "Ant Man" character.

Think of it like your Earth concept
of "vacation", except permanent.

I think I speak for all world leaders
when I say that the poor people

would just murder us if we
made you leave, so...

Welcome home. Dinosaurs.

I could use a vacation!

-Should we nuke them?
-I’m on vacation, Curtis.

Well, you leaned into this fast.

Zuniceratops.

Elvisaurus.

Bambiraptor.

Erectopus.

Dracorex.

Hogwartsia.

Gojirasaurus.

Vulcanodon.

Sauroniops.

Phuwiangosaurus.

Those are real dinosaur names.

I can’t even pretend
to feel useful in a game!

This is how humanity’s story ends?

Relieved of duty
and sat at the kid’s table?

I gotta respect these dinosaurs,
they dominated a whole species

just by calling its bluff about
wanting more free time.

They didn’t even dominate us
because we’re not worth a fight to them.

We’ve become biological
Tyler Perry movies.

-All they’ve done is help.
-We didn’t need their help!

We were not the problem!
This house recycles.

They sort it at the trash facility!

WTF! My dance videos
are getting like zero likes now.

The Dinos kicked pedophiles off TikTok.

Great, so now I’m broke?

-You don’t need money anymore.
-So what’s this for now? Phone calls?

-C’mon, Dad, you don’t hate this too?
-Why would I?

I was already doing what I wanted.

I do think it’s kind of funny
that you’re all basically Jerry now.

Fuck.

-Jerry, how do you do it.
-Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?

How do you do it, Dad?

-How do you do it?
-How do you do it?

It’s finally happened.

Alright.

Does anyone know how to
mail things to publishers?

President only pages me
if it’s an emergency or he needs molly.

I’m sure glad you stayed open, Beau.

Wish we could pay, but,
no more capitalism.

I never make ribs for the money,
Mister President.

Here ya go.

That’s not why I called!
Drugs can’t solve this problem.

I can’t live like this anymore.

At first it was fun spending all day
watching whatever YouTube autoplays

after the last one autoplayed, but a man
can only watch so many ads for Grammarly.

Rick. Please!
You’re not bound by morality.

Get rid of them. Slit their necks,

Zero Dark Thirty these fuckers
for the good of the species. I won’t tell!

Help us go back to the old days where
we pretend to fix the problems we caused.

You think I’m gonna side with you
over hyper-intelligent creatures

operating way beyond your comprehension?
I have more in common with them than you.

You pompous autistic cadaver!
You think you’re above this?

-I ought to...
-Look here, Mr. President.

When I need my ribs to be tender
and delicious, I pamper them.

See, if you give someone what they want,
they’ll give you what you need.

Jus’ saying.

I see your point, Beau.
Alright, Rick. Name your price.

-Crap.
-Goddammit!

-How often are you Westworlding me?
-Hang on.

Rib-tips jammed his folk-chip again.

Ol’ Reliable Rick. Always knows
what to do!

-What do you want, Rick?
-I won’t stoop to answering that again.

You know exactly what I want.

I can’t just snap my fingers
and get you that job.

-Yeah yeah. Thanks for lunch.
-Fine. Fine!

If you get rid of the dinosaurs,
you can host the Oscars.

-Yes!
-Righteous Rick!

Straight shootin’, truth tellin’,
never wets the bed.

Goodbye old friends,
may you rest in peace,

rather than the tank of an SUV.

Hello, fellow cosmic voyagers.

-Can we help you?
-Actually, I can probably help you.

See, I’m technically human but I’ve
come to be more, you know, on your level

-We’re fine, thank you.
-Maybe I’m being too indirect.

I happen to dabble in multiversal travel,
and I could probably zap you guys

-to an alternate Earth...
-We used portal travel eons ago

but evolved to a one universe, one truth
policy as the highest form of existence.

Sort of a put your own oxygen mask on
before helping others type of a thing.

-Have you been on a plane?
-Yes, I’ve been on a plane.

We have no problem if you jump dimensions.

Although we sense your gateway device
is sub-optimal. Let us help.

I don’t need help. I’m here to help you.

-What the hell is this?
-A Portal Pistol.

The gateways are see-through,
not a green swirl,

so now you can see where you’re going.

"Clever girl."

If you’d like we could
patch up your little

-inter-dimensional rift too...
-No, leave it,

I know how to close that,
that’s there for a reason.

-Very canonical.
-Don’t you just want it closed?

-Morty, whose team are you on?
-It’s normal to be frustrated. Here.

Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me?

-Goodbye.
-No, wait.

What the fuck!

-Dr. Manhattan highroad assholes
-I saw my bones!

-teleporting me?
-Why, wasn’t that painful?

They didn’t even do it right!
My fly is down.

Your fly was already down.

What are you doing with that?

-Rick! It was a better...
-Nothing from them is better!

That thing had uptight
zen snob germs all over it.

So what now you’re gonna fight them?

And prove we’re violent and stupid?

No, we’re gonna find out
what they’re hiding.

Only people who have
really fucked up in the past

have to virtue signal this hard.

-Look at Sean Penn.
-But Rick, aren’t these feelings, like,

what they talked about?
Like life gets,

"programmed for competition
by early stages of evolution,

like, amoebas have to
fight amoebas for energy but

once a species can get enough sugar
from a machine to give itself diabetes,

it’s allowed to start
thinking beyond conflict."

I mean it’s all in their pamphlet.

Morty, you’re a genius. I clearly
mean that in the 90s ironic sense

but this self-fellating 'zine is a
treasure map to every fossilized

bone in their skeleton closet.

They’re gonna call us Laura Dern

because we’re about to get
elbow deep in dino doo doo.

Get it, Morty? The gloves?

-You remember the big gloves?
-Yeah, no. I get it, Rick.

I said "Clever Girl" earlier,

-you didn’t even react.
-I was angry!

I’m looking for a few of my friends.

Kinda look like the Skullfeet that used
to live on our planet way before us.

They’re long gone now.

Really? They’re extinct here too?

Yeah! We keep their bones
in that museum over there.

These guys aren’t gonna be much
help.

The leading theory is the Skullfeet
stepped on their own brains so much

they straight up died. Such a shame.

-Would have loved to hear them sing.
-Sing?

We figured they used to hold huge outdoor
concerts in their land amphitheater.

-You people are idiots.
-We didn’t have much to go by. ==

-Bones aren’t big on conversation.
-Yeah, neither are you, pal.

The majestic Basketsaur! Aren’t they
incredible?

We’re even making a series
of increasingly terrible movies

about cloning them in a theme park!

-So what happened to them?
-No idea.

But we do know they all loved eating
communal soup out of the Great Dirt Bowl.

Starting to see a pattern here.

Breathtaking aren’t they?

It’s a common misconception
that they roamed our planet.

The truth is, they rolled.
Street-style mostly. Some vert.

Lemme guess. There’s a very large,
deep circular indentation in which these

"Grindasaurs" used to shred.

We think they had a second brain in their
butt dedicated to pulling ten eighties.

Three planets visited by dinosaurs,
three apocalyptic meteor impacts.

Gimme the board.

I’m dropping in for data.

Rick! That’s the hardest thing
in skateboarding!

It looked so easy on Pro Skater 3!

Hello.

Jackpot, Morty.

You still think the dinosaurs
got something to hide?

No, Morty, they have a reason to
hide.

-Come here ya little whippersnapper.
-No Rick, stop.

-C’mere Morty! Come on, gimme a hug.
-No, don’t touch me.

-What’s the matter with you?
-Your hands are greasy!

It’s become clear your species
is having a hard time

adjusting to its reduced accountability.

Our solution is to hold these
regular keynotes, or talks,

which you used to launch
new phones and religions.

I see someone’s eager to speak!

Hi, what do you do when
you want to kill yourself?

You don’t do that, thank you
for asking though. Very important.

We recently discovered
a new piece of human literature

that we think
everyone should read.

Holy shit! I’m a famous author!

Wait, where’s my name?

We will distribute it to everyone
on Earth tomorrow.

Excuse me, aren’t you gonna say
who wrote it?

Nope. Whoever wrote it
must be above needing credit.

It’s all here in this book
that belongs to everyone. For free.

You communist lizard scum bags!
I wrote that! Me, Jerry Smith!

Guess what!
Dinosaurs are not secretly evil

and they’re not out
to cause anybody trouble

but it turns out trouble
has a way of following them.

Yes, it’s showtime.

Literally every planet with dinosaurs
on it is eventually smashed by a huge

space rock that takes out
them and most existing life.

What? That can’t be true.

It’s alright to be frustrated.
Let me explain.

Why would planet killing meteors
follow Dinosaurs?

As these reptiles evolved to higher and
higher levels of loving vegan godhood,

another life-form devolved
into an equally selfless,

hate filled species
of barely sentient rocks.

They hurtle through space and do as much
damage as they can to their chosen enemy,

which is guess-who.

Everywhere these dinos go, these rocks,
they come-a crashing. And this one...

is headed directly towards us.

-And all of our work? It was for...
-Nothing, bingo!

Welcome to life, it’s a big boat
with a lot of holes

but we’re all in it together.

Oh my.

So much death.

Congratulations, primates.
Looks like Earth could have done worse!

Rick out! And don’t forget
to tune into this year’s Oscars.

Well, this is a, a lot to take in.

I like trains now!

Okay, that hurt.

Trains rule! Dino’s Drool!

And you had no idea about the disastrous
meteors that followed in your wake?

We just learned about it like you.
Truly heartbreaking news.

But I assume you’re gonna
destroy it when it arrives here, right?

We’re in the process of finding a
solution that um doesn’t involve violence.

Hold on, you’re in the process?

Well there you have it Cooperheads.
An angry species of rock is gonna slamm

into our... sorry, their planet,

and our new planet runners
are weighing whether to let it happen.

I mean no one knows
if the meteor species is even real!

No. It’s very real.
We all know that.

You know what’s real? A rear naked
choke hold. I’ll show you.

What?

Final question, how we doing?

We have come to the conclusion the only
way to ensure humanity will be safe

is for us to go.
We’re leaving the planet for good.

Exxon spilling the oil,
Chernobyl blowing up,

Asbestos in Montana,
Atlantic City, type 2 diabetes,

Deepwater deeply blew it,

giant garbage island,

and all the bees are dying,

fuck off and Dienosaurs.

Maybe it’s the molly,
but I fucking love you, Rick!

It’s the molly.

Isn’t this nice?
Rivalries behind us, dinos gone,

two cool guys living in the moment!

So, like, you know what
you’re gonna wear, because...

I can’t get another plus one.

What?! I’m the one who got you the gig,
you son of a bitch. I feel this napkin.

Feel this napkin. So soft.

This is the 95th annual Academy Awards!

Now, please welcome your host,

an old science guy
who got rid of the dinosaurs

Rick Sanchez!

Suck my grey tits, Hollywood pinkos!

Where’s the mic? The raising mic?

Bring it up!

Tommy! Tom Hanks is here!

C’mon, do it.

Come on. Do it.

Okay okay, one time.

Wilson!

I’m Oscar Host Rick!

Grandpa Rick, this is so cool.

-That microphone bit killed.
-Yeah, told you it would!

-That was all scripted?
-Every moment at the Oscars is.

Even that one thing.

-Look who stole themselves a swag bag!
-Fucking Sprinkles coupon!

We’re splitting that.

So I was thinking it might be funny
to add dinosaurs to the In Memoriam.

It feels beneath us, it’s funnier that
they left and we don’t even care.

Yeah, they left but they keep
begging for attention.

You haven’t heard? The dinos are just
standing up there on Mars

with their dicks in their hands.
So dramatic.

What, they’re just gonna let
the meteor hit them and die?

Good. If being superior to everyone
makes you die, I call that balance.

It’s all in my globally published book
the Dinos stripped my name from!

Oscars are over.

Where are my keys?

Goddammit, I need to fix portal travel!

And I’m going to, I have a process!

Our final act of kindness.

It’s been an honor serving
the sanctity of life with you all.

-Rick, what are you doing?
-Standing here with you guys.

You don’t want to do that.
We’re sacrificing ourselves here.

Then so am I! Y’know? Elon Musk
be damned, we’re blowing up Mars.

No. We’re doing something selfless,
you’re doing it out of pettiness.

How is anyone supposed
to know the difference?

Consider it a game of virtue chicken.

Okay, if you won’t go, we’ll make you go.

Sorry, I dino-proofed my tech
to spite you guys.

Which further proves selflessness and
selfishness are two sides of the same coin

so what’s the point?

Fine. Cool with me that your final chapter
is dying on Mars with an old dick head.

Alright! Welcome back!

You obnoxious little twat!

Yeah but you’re alive!
No David Foster Wallace-ing in my galaxy.

You don’t get to be so smart that
you remove yourself from everybody.

From one god being to another,
you’re welcome.

Well, as long as we’re doing
each other favors.

Wait what are you doing?

You fixed my Rift?!
You fucking hypocritical cocks!

It was all canonical and shit!

We coulda milked that thing
for a whole season.

Or like a three episode arc at least!

Sorry. That’s just us. We love helping,
god beings to god being.

Seriously! I was gonna fix that!

Shit. They’re coming back!

Can we turn on the AC? It’s like
a thousand degrees outside!

Yes! New follower! Named...

Crypto_For_Bare_Toes

Not sure I get it
but sounds like business!

-Proud of you, honey.
-Is Dad okay?

Yes, I’m just writing my second book.

I don’t know what it’s gonna be about,
but I can tell you one thing

the title is "Jerry Smith Presents:
A Book By Jerry Smith."

Chapter one.

Fuck!

Morty, get your ass in the garage.

Check it out. A dimension where
hats wear people.

I did it, I fixed portal travel!

-Oh shit!
-Figured my guy deserves a vacation.

-Boob world!
-You’re damn right. And it’s Areola Week.

-Alright! Good old fashioned portal fun!
-Yep, like this!

-It’s gonna be classic episodes, Morty!
-I’m gonna puke, Rick!

Portaling in! Wrecking shit,
portaling out, Morty.

Oh my god, adventures, Morty!
Social commentary! Crude characters!

Here we go! Rick and Morty time!

This is our home now.

We shall live out the rest
of our days here.

Never interfering with the ways
of the universe again.

We are content.

It was a good run.

Speaking of a good run.

I bet I could switch heel onto that
manny pad, big spin out,

Tre flip that gap, 5-0 the rail,
drop into the bowl,

stale fish into a Christ air
and then we get fucking wrecked.

It’s on, Iguanadon.

Grinding some rocks.
Nollie the hubba.

Goofyfoot, kickflip,
take care of the Groms.

But you’re a bad little dino boy
and you’re rotting in a crater.

So now let’s make some noise.