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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,359
"Nothing to do." "Nothing to do"?
"Nothing to do,"?!
2
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:07,119
Mm. I mean...
3
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,319
Thank you. There's tonnes to do!
4
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,599
There's lovely little walks and
there's that nice pub down the road.
5
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:13,879
That closed down.
6
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,359
OK, well, there's still
that not-very-nice pub
7
00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:17,599
that's a long way away.
8
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,519
OK, not lots to do, exactly,
9
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,479
but, like, whatever happened to
the great outdoors?
10
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,319
Climb a tree. Hug a tree. Visit...
11
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:26,840
a... tree.
12
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,559
Sorry.
13
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:31,799
I'm going on.
No, no, no, it's the, erm...
14
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,439
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
15
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,239
There's too much milk,
if anything!
16
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,079
It should be the colour
of a buff envelope.
17
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,879
No, no, no, we've been through this.
It should be brick red, one lump.
18
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,359
A slice of lemon and nothing more!
19
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,239
Well, two lumps,
if you're on manoeuvres.
20
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,879
Or a drop of something stronger,
if you get the right tea lady.
21
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,999
God, I miss the Commons. No, look,
come along, it should be brick red.
22
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,039
We've heard. You're just wrong.
23
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,119
How dare you tell a soldier how to
make tea!
24
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,479
I don't have to listen to this.
I'm from Yorkshire, mate!
25
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,879
I'm practically made of tea!
26
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,359
FANNY: Well, my family imported
tea, and the correct way...
27
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,919
SHE GROANS Yorkshire...
28
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,999
God!
SILENCE!
29
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,919
Do you lot ever think you maybe
spend a little bit too much time
30
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,679
in each other's company?
31
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,319
Well, we don't have much choice.
32
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,879
Yes, you know what they say -
you can't choose your family.
33
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,079
Or the people you're trapped with
for eternity in the afterlife.
34
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,039
Do they say that?
35
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,199
No, I said it.
36
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,080
ROBIN: I've never heard anyone...
ARGUMENT RESTARTS
37
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:31,319
Absolutely ridiculous,
telling me how to make my tea.
38
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:34,520
I mean, I can't drink it,
but that's not the point.
39
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,519
Ah!
DOG BARKS
40
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:39,680
Ah!
41
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,400
Mm.
42
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:44,800
Good!
43
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,599
HE HUMS
44
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,679
Mornin'. Good morning.
45
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,239
HE HUMS, THEN SUDDENLY STOPS
46
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,639
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
47
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,440
Attention, everyone!
48
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,999
There's another ghost.
ALL GASP
49
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,720
I told you!
50
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,679
{\an8}Just up there, on the border.
51
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,519
{\an8}Ah, the old Asprey estate. Mm.
52
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,199
{\an8}I said ages ago
is dead guy over hedge!
53
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,199
{\an8}Yes, well, you say a lot of things,
Robin, and your imagination
54
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,479
{\an8}does have a tendency
to run away with you.
55
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,239
{\an8}The Queen's out there!
56
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,199
{\an8}Two horses are doing it.
57
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,079
{\an8}They are filming a Carry On!
58
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:46,680
{\an8}Is dead guy over the hedge!
59
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,879
I know what I saw.
CAPTAIN: Come along.
60
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,239
Where's the fire?
61
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,039
Ah! There's another ghost, Alison.
Come and say hello!
62
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,879
Yeah, leave that.
Repairs are for squares.
63
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,199
I'm all right, thanks.
64
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,400
No offence, but the last thing
I need is another ghost.
65
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:02,879
Annabel!
66
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,999
UNDER HER BREATH: Or another neighbour.
67
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,919
Ah! Isn't she marvellous?
68
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,199
The quad bike, not you.
69
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,999
Thank you.
I was hoping to catch you.
70
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:17,599
A little bird - Mary from the shop -
tells me you've started a B&B.
71
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,399
That's right, yeah, up at the
Gatehouse. Right.
72
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,519
It's just that there may be
voices on the local council
73
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,159
who will worry about... tone.
74
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,559
What voices? Well, exactly!
75
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,359
Saying things like,
"Brings down the area,"
76
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,719
or, "Turning into Blackpool."
77
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,159
We need the money,
so you can tell these "voices"
78
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,559
that it's all very above board.
79
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,399
It's very classy, in fact.
Five-star.
80
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,759
Well, it will be.
We hope so, at some point.
81
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,079
Well, that's what they all say.
82
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,879
But before you know it,
there's a funfair, donkey rides
83
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,359
and a real problem with prostitution.
84
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,279
When did you last leave the area?
85
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,759
All I'm saying is,
86
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:57,359
is it really worth the risk for
the sake of a couple of quid?
87
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,639
200 quid a night. Well, exactly.
88
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,079
Pin money! 200?
89
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,519
Well, there's something
to think about.
90
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,400
ENGINE STARTS Toodle-pip!
91
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,639
"Nothing to do."
Can you believe that?
92
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,079
OVER PHONE: Well, you are
a bit out in the sticks.
93
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,319
Maybe you need to offer some
activities, like bungee jumping.
94
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,359
Off what? The roof?
All right, then, archery.
95
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,639
Ooh, yeah! That's a great...
96
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:28,079
No. Actually, not archery.
97
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,759
Well, wine tasting, then.
98
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,919
Or baking. Or cookery!
99
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,639
Not cookery. What is that?!
100
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,759
Fridge bap.
You still eat fridge baps?
101
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,839
Mm-hm. Mate, you're not 21 any more!
102
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,879
You need to look after yourself.
103
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,639
Ohhh!
104
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,919
Open a health farm!
105
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,679
A spa! A hotel!
106
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,159
That's already the plan.
107
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,999
Well, I don't know!
People need something to do.
108
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,920
Doesn't need to be much.
Just a bit of fun. Hmm!
109
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,039
When you die, can I have your decks?
110
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,679
ALL EXCLAIM
CAPTAIN: Exciting.
111
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,319
Hello! Here we are, of course!
112
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,119
No, simmer down, simmer down.
Simmer. Simmer.
113
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,839
Simmer.
114
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,720
Now, this is, erm...
115
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:13,919
Sorry, I don't actually
know your name.
116
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,239
Maddocks, sir.
117
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,119
ALL: Maddocks! Maddocks... Maddocks?
118
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,719
Ah, everyone, this is Maddocks.
119
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,039
Maddocks, this is... everyone! Hello!
120
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,399
How do, how do? Robin.
121
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,919
Hey! And, erm, Maddocks
died by, erm...
122
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,359
Sorry, I didn't actually
ask you anything, did I?
123
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,679
Erm, I trod on a badger trap, sir.
124
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,359
Ah! Oh! Oh. Oh, no.
125
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,439
That's nasty. Yes, that's...
Oh, you can see the bone!
126
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,239
Oh, aye, you can, yeah.
127
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,119
Here! Do I detect an accent?
128
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,959
Sheffield lad, sir. Give over!
129
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,599
I'm from Huddersfield!
130
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,519
Neighbouring... fields!
131
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,839
Well, er, we still are, sir.
ALL LAUGH
132
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,919
He's funny! He's funny!
133
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,839
In't you funny? Oh, if it
pleases you, sir.
134
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:01,279
Aye, I come down this way
looking for work. Gamekeeper.
135
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,959
JULIAN: Feared as much.
Working-class.
136
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,199
Unless they're in a voting booth,
there's very little point.
137
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,039
So you worked for the Aspreys?
138
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,959
Uh-huh. I knew Lady Asprey.
139
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,479
We played bridge together.
140
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,999
Well, I played. She cheated. Mm.
141
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,199
Erm...
142
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,439
Anyway, I should probably...
ALL: Oh, no, no!
143
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:20,879
OVERLAPPING PROTESTS
144
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,320
Well, it's just, er...
145
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:24,879
I don't like to linger here.
146
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,839
This is where it happened. The trap.
147
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,239
Nine hours to bleed out.
148
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:31,839
Two weeks to find the corpse.
149
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:33,719
I had to watch meself being eaten.
150
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,119
Slowly.
151
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,720
By badgers.
152
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,919
Well, all the more reason
to stay, then!
153
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,439
New company, new memories.
154
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,119
Perhaps, in time,
155
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,439
this spot will remind you of us
instead of, erm...
156
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,639
Being eaten by badgers?
157
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,319
Yes.
158
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,519
Well, you must stay.
You simply must!
159
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,359
Oh, well, if I must, sir.
160
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,719
Let's dispense with the formalities.
161
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,359
Please, call me...
162
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,159
MIKE: Fun. Fun.
163
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,680
Ooh, yeah.
164
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,759
Ah, there you are. Are you... busy?
No, no. No.
165
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,399
They've, erm, popped out
to meet someone.
166
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,159
Right, so, we've got all of
this land and we've got guests
167
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,239
who complain that
there's "nothing to do".
168
00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,439
So I was thinking...
169
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,319
£3,000?
170
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,239
Mike, you've got to stop
obsessing over that one review.
171
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,319
Well, it's not just that.
172
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,679
We've got to compete with
other guest houses in the area.
173
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,799
I mean, look at this one, right?
It's 12 miles away.
174
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,999
It's got pool-pool,
table-table, tennis...
175
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,079
Pool, pool table, table tennis.
176
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,439
No-one using commas?
177
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,839
Yeah, that would be really nice
if we had the money,
178
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,119
but right now, all we can afford
is two Dan Browns
179
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,279
and the board game of your choice.
180
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,040
Board games.
181
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,719
Oh! We could put the chess table...
That gets more use than you'd think.
182
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,640
HE SIGHS
183
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,640
Hmm!
184
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,400
It's a kind of a game.
185
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,559
That was quick.
Yeah, not really my type.
186
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,239
Besides, couldn't get
a word in edgeways.
187
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,160
You know what they're like. Yeah!
188
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,639
Yeah.
189
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,879
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
190
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,239
Oh, Alison! Alison!
191
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,399
Alison, Alison!
Let me introduce you.
192
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,559
Now, Alison is alive,
but she can see dead people!
193
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,039
Oh, congratulations, ma'am.
194
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,279
Thank you...? I hope
they're not bothering you.
195
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,799
ALL EXCLAIM
196
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,959
You cheeky ha'porth!
197
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,039
I think we should probably go, guys.
198
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,759
Your friend's looking
a little bit tired.
199
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,679
Kind of you to notice, ma'am.
200
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,719
Erm, that's largely
down to blood loss, so...
201
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:46,920
Mm.
202
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:49,559
Oh!
203
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,519
The purple bit's a tendon.
204
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,119
And the grey bit's the tibia!
SHE GIGGLES
205
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,519
Anyway, I think probably
we'll just get going.
206
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,719
Come on. Come on, everyone.
You'll be back tomorrow, yes?
207
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,559
Er, y-yes, ma'am. Yes, of course.
208
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,759
Marvellous. See you tomorrow.
Have a lovely evening.
209
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,559
Come on. Getting late. Ta-ra, love.
210
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,519
All the best. Carry on, Maddocks.
Aye. Yes, sir.
211
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,199
Actually, it is getting late.
212
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,720
I wonder where our guests are.
213
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,559
Hello?
214
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,199
Hi, yeah, hi.
It's Alison from the Gatehouse.
215
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,959
I was just wondering what time
you're planning to arrive, with...
216
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,599
Oh, right, OK.
I'll come and check you in.
217
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,399
Oh! Oh, right. How did you get in?
218
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,280
My husband? But he's...
219
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,920
What did he look like?
220
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,959
DOGS BARK
221
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,359
Annabel!
222
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,479
What the hell is this? It's a sign.
223
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,159
Yes. My sign... that I found
at the top of your drive
224
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,759
with this arrow nailed to it.
225
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:46,159
Well, don't look at me!
It must have been local youths.
226
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,279
I did warn you -
the area's going to pot.
227
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,159
So you didn't steal my guests?
228
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,999
Absolutely not!
229
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,119
Although, come to think of it,
there was a couple
230
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,199
who popped by earlier looking
for a room for the night.
231
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,119
I put them up in the
old hunting lodge,
232
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:01,719
out of the goodness of my heart.
233
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,759
But they insisted on giving me £200.
234
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,679
You said that was pin money.
235
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,559
Well, it is,
but everybody needs pins.
236
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,079
You are the most unscrupulous...
237
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,479
Sh...
238
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,119
WHISPERS: I have guests!
239
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,919
ALISON GASPS
240
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,119
He did what?!
241
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,239
He poached our guests.
242
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,519
Delicious. And he doesn't even
need the money!
243
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:23,999
Like, it's just a game to him,
244
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,519
whereas we have to count
every single penny!
245
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,679
Yeah. I'm not going to let him
get away with this.
246
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,759
Yeah, I'm going to
fight fire with fire.
247
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:34,359
Would that work? In what way?
248
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,959
Julian, Julian, Julian, Julian.
249
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,439
You were in politics. You must know
a few dirty tricks.
250
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:43,079
I'm afraid I don't recall any
involvement in anything underhand
251
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,399
whilst I was in office. What?
252
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,719
Is what I tell the public inquiry!
253
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,239
LAUGHTER
254
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,399
No, I'd be happy to help.
255
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,879
I know every trick in the book.
256
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,239
I wrote the book!
257
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,440
What is this?
258
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,759
Oh! It like chess, but it huge!
259
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,239
Ah, Alison, we need this.
We need that.
260
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,159
Mike, tell me you haven't
just bought giant chess.
261
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:06,799
I haven't bought giant chess.
262
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,839
ROBIN GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION
I haven't!
263
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,119
Come on, then.
264
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,960
Step into my office.
265
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,599
What have you got?
266
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,239
What do you know about judo?
267
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,599
ALISON: That's your plan?
I fight Barclay?
268
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,199
No, not actual judo. It's a tactic.
269
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,759
Use your opponent's attack
against them.
270
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,639
He's taken your sign.
271
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,999
Well, I took it back.
No, no, no, no!
272
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,279
If that's his move, let's use it.
273
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,519
Let him keep the sign.
274
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,079
In fact, how about we even...
275
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,919
spruce it up a little?
276
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:46,040
Can we do that?! 'Course you can.
It's your sign.
277
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,040
{\an8}Ohhh! Ah!
278
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,999
CLOCK CHIMES
279
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,520
SHE SCREAMS
280
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,079
ANIMATED CHATTER
281
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,599
THOMAS: I can see some movement!
282
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:14,359
Ohhh... Oh! Another early bird.
283
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,039
Yes, and no sign of the worm,
so you can join the queue.
284
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,999
Excuse me, sir, I was here first.
Balderdash, sir!
285
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,639
No, balderdash to you, sir!
286
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,000
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
Please... Please!
287
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:30,359
Now, I've had this before
with our clubhouse.
288
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,279
We had to share it with St John's,
289
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,519
the Venture Scouts
and the Sea Beavers!
290
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,439
And there's only one thing
that works.
291
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,559
A rota.
292
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,759
So, Lady Asprey wasn't averse
to a restorative tonic,
293
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,919
if you get my meaning, Maddocks.
294
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,719
Is that game?
Does that count as game?
295
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,719
Well, anyway, it's a seagull,
and I shot it.
296
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,519
Of course, on my side of
t'peaks, a ginnel's a snicket.
297
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,199
And here's him calling it
a twitten? Give over!
298
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,800
So, prawn can move two square
first go, but only vertical.
299
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,199
Thomas? You're up.
300
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,720
Yes!
301
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,079
It's not without its problems.
302
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,159
She's alive, I'm dead.
303
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,079
But we make it work.
304
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,879
And what's the brown stuff?
305
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,919
Er, it's bone marrow.
306
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,560
Ooh!
307
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,040
I think he's got gangrene.
308
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,919
Well, she called it a folly, but it
was little more than a shed.
309
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,279
Just room enough for a bridge table
and a barrel of gin.
310
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,119
It was just up here,
beyond the orangery.
311
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,799
WHISPERING: Hi.
312
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,279
You're popular today.
313
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,919
Oh, er, most attentive, ma'am.
314
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:44,959
Yeah. I know they can be a lot,
but when you get to know them...
315
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,079
Have you booked a slot? Erm...
316
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:51,199
No! That's what I thought.
Honestly! No manners at all.
317
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,039
Which reminds me of Lord Asprey
and that infernal pipe.
318
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,559
Honestly! Lord Ashtray,
we used to call him.
319
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,519
DRILLING IN DISTANCE
Ah. Very good, ma'am.
320
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:02,279
PNEUMATIC DRILLS ROAR
321
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:06,080
Hey! Excuse me,
what do you think you're doing?
322
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,479
Annabel!
323
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,359
Stop!
DRILLS STOP
324
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,599
Managed to call in a few favours
down at the council.
325
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,399
Thought I'd finally get
those potholes sorted.
326
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,679
What potholes? Well, cracks, really.
327
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,960
But if the frost gets in there,
better to nip it in the bud.
328
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,319
They're completely
blocking our driveway.
329
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,559
What?
330
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,399
Oh, yes, I suppose they are, a bit.
331
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,319
Oh, well, they'll only be
a few days.
332
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,239
A week at the outside. A week?!
333
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,399
Oh, yes, you probably have guests!
334
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:43,439
Yes! Oh, well, there's always room
down at my place.
335
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,440
You can't miss it.
There's a very handy sign.
336
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,679
Barclay? I think you're a big...
337
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,439
PNEUMATIC DRILL STARTS UP
338
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,720
DRILL DROWNS OUT SPEECH
339
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,919
He did what?!
340
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,839
Yeah. I just had to bribe two guys
not to fix a road. Oh!
341
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,239
That's... brilliant!
342
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,399
I mean... awful. You know.
343
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,999
But in a way I really admire.
344
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,199
So what are we going to do?
345
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,399
Well, when he goes low...
346
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,359
We go high. What?
347
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,719
No? Oh. Oh, God, no.
348
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,639
We go even lower. Erm...
349
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,359
Ooh, hey, open up that CIA thing,
you know, the, erm...
350
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,919
road atlas from outer space?
351
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,200
Erm... Oh, oh.
352
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,679
That's it. Now, show me
Barclay's place.
353
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,559
Erm...
354
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,159
Yeah. Now... B-b-b-b-b...
355
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,399
HE CLEARS THROAT AND GRUNTS
356
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,039
What are you doing? Looking for
anything that falls foul of...
357
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,879
STRAINS: planning... regulations.
358
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:53,879
That type stays very rich
by being very, very tight,
359
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:57,799
which means somewhere,
he's cut some corners.
360
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,799
How do you know this? Because that's
what I would have done.
361
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,040
Aha!
362
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:09,319
Hello! Oh, Barclay,
you naughty, naughty boy!
363
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,960
HE CHUCKLES
364
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,639
Ah! Yeah, I think that's for me.
365
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,960
Just need you to sign for it.
Oh, sure.
366
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,520
There you go, mate. Cheers.
367
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,160
Ooh.
368
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,360
HE LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY Oh, yeah!
369
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,720
Right!
370
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,600
Money well spent!
ALISON: Mike?
371
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,000
Why is that...?
372
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,719
What? No!
373
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,680
Erm...
374
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,879
Mike?
375
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,559
PHONE BUZZES
376
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:15,639
SHE GASPS
377
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,759
BARCLAY OVER MOBILE: Annabel?
Hello there!
378
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,639
I've just had a visit
from Building Control.
379
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,399
Building Control? Yes.
380
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,319
Turned up unannounced, poking
in every nook and cranny.
381
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:29,119
Said they'd had reports of
irregularity. Oh!
382
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,559
Oh, dear!
383
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,159
Maybe it was your guests.
384
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,399
I mean, if you will just
let in people off the street...
385
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,359
My guests had nothing to do with
this, as well you know!
386
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,999
SQUEAKING AND STRAINING
387
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,920
CRASH!
388
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,919
Well, I'm not sure
what you're implying, Barclay.
389
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,719
Oh, don't give me that.
We both know that you...
390
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,079
MAN: It's probably... What? No, it's
within permitted development!
391
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,439
If it's two metres...
I've got to go.
392
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,679
And... judo! Yes!
393
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,640
Or whatever you say
when you win at judo.
394
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,120
Come on.
395
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,120
Oh!
396
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,840
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
397
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,880
That'll do it.
398
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,960
Whoa!
399
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,359
HE GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION
400
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,519
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
401
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,319
Mike turn into giant mushroom!
402
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,239
What I would say
is that if you can...
403
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,959
Kitty, is your turn.
404
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,759
SHE SQUEALS I feel so alive!
405
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,279
I haven't felt this alive since...
406
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,839
Well, since I was alive.
PHONE BUZZES
407
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,399
Ooh, there's more.
There's more, there's more.
408
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,839
Hello, Planning Department?
409
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,759
Yeah! Good one. You're funny.
410
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,279
Ha, yes, very good. Lots of fun.
411
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:23,759
Erm, I just wanted to apologise
for my earlier outburst.
412
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,039
Oh! Erm...
413
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,159
OK.
414
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,479
Yes, got myself in a bit of a stew
when those chaps turned up.
415
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,439
Storm in a teacup, luckily.
416
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,959
Just have to move a boiler vent,
and they'll be happy as Larry.
417
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,559
Didn't even lose a day's business.
418
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,599
Right, well...
419
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,239
that's good news. Yes!
420
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,279
Bit of a relief,
because building regs
421
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,879
can be an absolute minefield.
422
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,719
So, yes...
423
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,079
could have been worse.
424
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,720
Much, much worse.
425
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,719
He's got nothing!
426
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,519
What special bond?!
427
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,159
Well, we talk about chess.
428
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,679
Oh, yeah, as if Mads
is interested in...
429
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,319
Oh! Mads, is it? Mads?
430
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,159
Maybe when you get to know him
a little better,
431
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,639
nicknames will naturally occur.
432
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,439
I think you'll find
that I met him first.
433
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,919
I met him before any of you.
434
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:17,160
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
435
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,040
Nah. No good.
436
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,320
HE GRUNTS
437
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,119
Perfect!
438
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,479
No, no. No, listen. Dib-dab,
dib-dab, dib-dab,
439
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,959
dib-dab, dib-dab, dab-dib.
440
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,999
Let's settle this once and for all.
441
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,680
Follow me. We'll ask him.
442
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,000
Do it again.
443
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,520
SQUELCHING AND SLAPPING
444
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,999
SHE LAUGHS
It sounds like it's clapping!
445
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,999
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
446
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,319
KITTY SIGHS
447
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,639
There's a very important
question that I need to ask you.
448
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,879
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
449
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,599
Worse than the badgers!
450
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,239
Oh, please be open, please be open.
451
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,879
HE EXHALES
452
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,520
Come on.
453
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,120
Oh! Yeah!
454
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,119
I've got to get out of this.
455
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,799
Erm...
456
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,200
Oh!
457
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,280
RINGING TONE
OK.
458
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,039
OVER PHONE: Hello! Obi!
459
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,639
Obi, it's me. I need help.
460
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,199
Can you hear me? Hello? Nooo!
Mike, are you OK?
461
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,359
No! Mate?
462
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:08,639
FRANTIC GRUNTING
463
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,159
Oh, my arm! Your arm?!
464
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,719
GRUNTING
465
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,279
Oh, no! Are you having a...?
466
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,399
I told you, it's the fridge baps!
467
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,079
OK, mate, just stay calm.
468
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,639
Just stay calm. Help is on the w...
469
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,279
LINE DISCONNECTS Oh, no!
470
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,280
Obi! Obi, help!
471
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,839
Missed a bit.
472
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,200
You...
473
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:35,520
What the...?
474
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:41,479
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
475
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,239
That's enough!
GHOSTS FALL SILENT
476
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:44,879
That's enough!
477
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:48,039
THOMAS: Then answer the question,
damn your eyes! Yeah!
478
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,839
Come on, who's your best friend...
479
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,399
mate?
480
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,719
Well, if you really
want to know...
481
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,919
ALL: Yes!
482
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,400
none of you.
483
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,079
Hmm?
484
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,800
Mike? When you get this, come to the
Gatehouse. Something's up.
485
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,319
Excuse me, what are you...?
Annabel!
486
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,679
Here we go.
487
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,999
Let's see what you got.
There you are!
488
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,039
I was just walking the dogs
489
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,519
when I spotted something
rather concerning
490
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,680
in the rubble pile
from your recent renovations.
491
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,440
Hmph!
492
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,399
Thought I'd better phone it in.
493
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,359
You know, concerned local resident.
494
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,439
Yep, it's asbestos all right. What?!
495
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,439
Ohhh, he's good!
496
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,759
You'll have to shut this place
down for the foreseeable,
497
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,559
get it surveyed, cleared,
certified safe.
498
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:43,879
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
499
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,199
That wasn't there before.
500
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,239
It... He planted it!
501
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,559
Annabel!
502
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:49,679
Alison!
503
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:53,839
That is a very serious accusation,
and I can assure you...
504
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,359
Judo! Use his move against him.
505
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:59,759
If he brought that asbestos here,
where did he get it from? Hmm?
506
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,119
Ask him that. Go, go, go!
507
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,919
let alone a dear friend
and neighbour!
508
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,559
Well... OK, I tell you what,
509
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,999
why don't you search
the buildings on his estate
510
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,679
and see if any of them are
missing a couple of roof tiles?
511
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,679
Well, now...
HE STAMMERS
512
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,479
I-I-I-I think these good people
are busy enough without, erm...
513
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,439
Because, Barclay,
that would be fly-tipping
514
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:21,759
of a dangerous substance,
515
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,519
which I think you'll find
is against the law!
516
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,559
I think you will find that.
SIREN APPROACHES
517
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:33,159
Wow! Erm, actually, that-that does
look a bit familiar.
518
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,799
No idea how it got here, but I'll
gladly pay for removal.
519
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,279
Let's just forget all this. Yes.
520
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,839
You know, er, I'm actually getting
out of the accommodation game,
521
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,439
so no need to, erm...
522
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:45,879
JULIAN: Bye!
523
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,360
JULIAN CHUCKLES
524
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,720
Mike Cooper? Yeah!
525
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,159
I'm OK.
526
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,919
What is going on?
527
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,160
Oh, I don't know any more.
528
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:09,279
I just find you all profoundly,
profoundly annoying.
529
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,199
Why do you need
another friend? Hmm?
530
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:16,519
I mean, look at you, stuck in that
house with each other all this time.
531
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,919
And yet here you all are,
out here, together.
532
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,159
How are you not sick
of the sight of each other?
533
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,799
Well, we are.
534
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,799
ALL AGREE Give over!
535
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,079
If I were any of you,
536
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,399
I'd have been off living on me
own in the woods years ago.
537
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,400
I mean, I dunno what you call it,
this, but, face it...
538
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,320
you'd all be lost without it.
539
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,679
He might have a point, y'know. Yeah.
540
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,359
Well, we may not be each
other's perfect cup of tea...
541
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:47,799
ALL CHUCKLE
542
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,199
but when the chips
are down, we really have to...
543
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,919
Oh! He... He go! Whoo!
544
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,639
Huh? Where?
545
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,519
Oh...
546
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,879
He's gone to be
with the rest of his foot.
547
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,559
And so it goes. Can't be helped.
What a shame.
548
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,079
Now, er, what was I saying?
549
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,039
Some old guff about
a perfect cup of tea.
550
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,240
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
551
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:13,320
PAT: Oh, aye,
Little Miss Grumpy-Pants?
552
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:18,440
Told you.
553
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,200
Aye. They are a lot.
554
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,759
Well... I'll see you Tuesday.
555
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,319
Yeah, yeah, Tuesday. Tuesday, aye.
556
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,280
ROBIN WHISTLES HAPPILY
557
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,079
And, dooka-dooka!
558
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:37,839
Barclay had to learn the hard way
559
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,800
that you cannot outplay
a grandmaster.
560
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:43,759
Checkmate.
561
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,279
Oh, damn and blast!
562
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,440
MIKE AND ALISON LAUGH
563
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,199
Ready? Go, go, go.
564
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,239
Oh, my God, we should have
bought these ages ago.
565
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,999
Yeah. Wait, so, to get out of it,
do you just, like...?
566
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,599
Erm...
CLASPS FALLS
567
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:01,919
Oh, no. No, yeah, that happens.
568
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,039
You've just got to be
569
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,079
gentle with the cla...
CLASPS FALLS
570
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,239
Oh, no.
571
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:08,840
BOTH: Oh, no.
572
00:27:08,864 --> 00:27:10,864
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