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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,758 Now that was some fantastic chow mein 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,220 and before you say that sounded racist, you can ask the waiter how they say it. 3 00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:14,723 It's Panda Express, honey. The waiter’s from Portland. 4 00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:17,684 Alright who the hell changed my ringtone to the theme from Taxi? 5 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,311 It's a new thing on Taxi Tok, 6 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,648 that's a subculture on TikTok of kids who decided the theme from Taxi slaps. 7 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,484 Now you have to play the Taxi theme for ten people while I film it. 8 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:28,153 I don't have to do shit, that's dumb. 9 00:00:29,237 --> 00:00:31,364 It raises awareness for leukemia. 10 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,617 So. Who else is excited for the zoo tomorrow? 11 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,203 Zoos are my favorite kind of non-water park. 12 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,289 It's just a shame that they both give you diarrhea. 13 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,332 You only get diarrhea at the zoo 14 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,626 if you eat the food you're supposed to feed to the animals. 15 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,046 -Which you've done, twice. -They put it in gumball machines. 16 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,675 You know Fortune Cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first. 17 00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:55,346 Alright. ''Hard work often pays off?'' Lame. 18 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,224 ''Family time is time well spent.'' 19 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,351 OK, that's not only empty, it's been disproven. 20 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,687 OK, mine says, ''Family time is time well...'' 21 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,189 Man I got the same one. 22 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,568 What's your stupid twenty first century watered down fortune cookie say, Dad? 23 00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,945 ''You will have sex with your mother.'' 24 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:49,567 Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right? 25 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:53,238 Jerry, are you seriously asking if I think you're gonna have sex with your mom? 26 00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:58,243 No, I wanted to ask if it's okay with you if I make myself throw up the cookie. 27 00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:01,162 If it makes you feel better and you can do it quietly, yes, 28 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,997 but don't hand that advice down to Summer. 29 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,379 Can't do it. Sleepy Gary ruined my Gag reflex, 30 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,965 which is frustrating because Sleepy Gary wasn't real. 31 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:14,676 Neither are fortune cookies. Go to sleep, Jerry. 32 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:18,429 I know they're not real. It’s just, why is it so specific? 33 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:21,558 And why are three of the numbers a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday? 34 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,435 -Can we investigate this, Rick? -It’s not an X-file, Jerry, 35 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,563 you got the world's last interesting fortune 36 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,315 Dad, can you explain to TikTok what's going on with your mom? 37 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,985 Summer, no social videoing. What if Mi-Maw sees it? 38 00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:34,279 We can't let her know this is a thing that might happen. 39 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,156 -Might? -She's calling again. 40 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,702 -She doesn't usually call this much. -Because you don't usually ghost her 41 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,371 because you don't usually decide you’re at risk of... 42 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,665 What if she's calling me to tell me I'm adopted? 43 00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:47,667 Well, yeah, then you should definitely hit that. 44 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:51,921 -That's not funny! -Jerry, you're making it funny 45 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,549 by taking it seriously. And none of us will be laughing 46 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,175 if you let this ruin our zoo trip. 47 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,260 Rick. Can you use science 48 00:02:57,343 --> 00:03:00,054 -to make it impossible for me to... -Jerry, you're insulting science. 49 00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,390 And as the most powerful man in the universe, 50 00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:04,684 if I create technology to prevent a random occurrence, 51 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,978 I'll end up making it more possible than random. 52 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,066 -When do we leave for the zoo? -One hour. 53 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:15,570 -You have one hour to let go of this. -I'm already done thinking about it. 54 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,952 Check that out. 55 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415 No! 56 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,173 Let me out! Let me out! 57 00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,093 -You have ten seconds. -I want to go. 58 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,511 You know of my love for the zoo. 59 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,723 -Why are you dressed like Morty? -Because Morty's mom is Beth. 60 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,141 I'm not unpacking that. 61 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,187 Okay, if you think I have this much patience for the zoo, on Earth, 62 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,731 -you're sorely mistaken. -Jerry, if you don't come with us 63 00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:53,232 I will be so disappointed 64 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:56,110 You guys should probably go on without Jerry. I just took some readings 65 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,988 on his probability field and this fortune has some strange powers 66 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,658 -I'm gonna need to investigate. -Really? God, I knew it. 67 00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:03,993 Okay. Well. Be careful, honey. 68 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,495 Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks? 69 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:09,040 And please take pictures with my favorite animal, the white tiger. 70 00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:11,292 -Because they breed via incest? -Is that true? 71 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,298 -I knew I was right. -Not even close. 72 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,009 I just didn't want to see someone get bullied into going to a zoo. 73 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,220 You may be the single dumbest human I've ever met, Jerry, 74 00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:25,306 but you still have a right to take whatever you want seriously. 75 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:28,142 Thank you. But if that thing says I'm not gonna do it with my mom, 76 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,143 I can go to the zoo. 77 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,980 Jerry, this thing measures aberrations in probability waves, 78 00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:34,315 I didn't even bother to turn it on because if I did... 79 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,403 -What? -Nothing. Don't get weird on me. 80 00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:41,739 But, since we're free for the afternoon, you mind doing a quick activity? 81 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,409 We're gonna disprove this with efficient brute force. 82 00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:47,286 These are two shoeboxes, both are empty but I wrote your mother's name 83 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:50,289 -on the inside of one. -What? God no. If you think for a second 84 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,542 -I'm gonna put my... -Good, I didn't wanna do this anyway. 85 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:56,421 Fine! Can I just tell you which box I would put my penis in? 86 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,340 Saying it seems worse, but okay. 87 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,260 Alright. I would put my penis in the box on the right. 88 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:05,596 Great, look in the other direction and I'm gonna switch up the boxes. 89 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,474 -This feels really low-tech. -Yeah, cause we're measuring reality. 90 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,480 I would take out my penis and place it in the box on the right. 91 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:15,481 Again. 92 00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:19,110 -I would put my penis... -Jerry, you don't have 93 00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:21,320 to say penis every time, just left or right 94 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,282 -This was your idea. -I didn't think it'd go on this long. 95 00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:27,702 -Okay, penis, Left. -Keep going. 96 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,620 Right. 97 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:31,289 Left. 98 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,584 -Right. -Jerry are you fucking peeking? 99 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,045 Tell me what's going on. You're scaring me. 100 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,592 Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon as I am to become a dolphin. 101 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:43,968 Those are things that could happen? 102 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,054 Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else. 103 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,308 Which is why it's weird that you're at all likely to... 104 00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:51,726 To what? To what? 105 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,520 Jerry, has your mother been leaving messages? 106 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,982 -Three texts. I'm afraid to read them. -Read them. 107 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:02,236 She's asking if she can come visit. Why would she want that? 108 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,198 Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone. 109 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,658 We need to go to Panda Express. 110 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:11,537 If these guys wanted my respect, they could've just gotten a liquor license. 111 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,498 Now you think this has something to do with you? 112 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:16,292 Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune has, like, god powers. 113 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,002 Of course it has something to do with me, 114 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,463 what do you think I am in this story, the father-in-law? 115 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,011 You guys wanted my attention? 116 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,140 Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals. 117 00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:36,479 Stay here, Jerry, time to kick ass. Gonna need a soundtrack. 118 00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,689 Ship! Favorites playlist, track one! 119 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,529 Alright, fine, no wrong answers. 120 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,381 Tell me where you get your cookies at and we can 121 00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:06,259 -all walk out of here alive! DEA? -Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! Cookies? 122 00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,302 -Fortune cookies. -You're not here about our gang's 123 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,595 -city-wide meth ring? -What? No. 124 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,681 Break the laws, they shouldn't exist anyway. 125 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,060 -I am embarrassed. -Me too. 126 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:20,106 -Sorry about these dead guys. -Comes with the territory. 127 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:23,568 -So where do you get your cookies? -Same distributor as everyone else. 128 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,361 -That's their truck out back. -Solid. 129 00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:28,030 OK, I'm gonna take the truck in exchange for not turning you in. 130 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:38,583 Jeez, how much money can there be in cookies that you get for free? 131 00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:43,045 And now we're being retina scanned? I know! I've got a theory, Jerry. 132 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,257 -Good. -This place is run by Cookie Monster. 133 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,968 He's really protective about his cookies. 134 00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:50,720 C'mon man you can't crack a smile? 135 00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,723 Yeah, you're worried about doing it with your mom. Okay, fair enough. 136 00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:03,524 Fuckin' cameras everywhere. That cup is a camera. That tree is a camera. 137 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:06,194 -Can you disable them? -Stealth rule number one: 138 00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:09,572 turning off 300 cameras draws more attention than changing outfits. 139 00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,533 Looks like we need to dress for success. 140 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,536 Eye of Thundara, give me suits beyond suits. 141 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,248 Jerry assistant clothing, make-up. 142 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,089 -What the hell was that? -Reuseable Sailor Moon sequence. 143 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,300 If we ever need to show you becoming my assistant again, 144 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,010 we can repeat it and save lots of money. 145 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:41,520 Why does an operation bigger than the government want me to 146 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,022 couple with my mother? 147 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:01,499 Bezos, Bill Gates, prime ministers. 148 00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:03,459 Weirdly Billy Zane is also here. 149 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:07,046 Hello. You're about to meet me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt. 150 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:10,299 Fifteen years ago, I was living in my parent’s garage, 151 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,177 eating ramen out of a toilet when I discovered something. 152 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:18,349 Fate isn’t fiction. Everything you want can be yours, if you ask for it. 153 00:09:18,432 --> 00:09:20,184 Just ask me. 154 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,103 -Hello, me. -Hello, me. 155 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:25,439 Look at me's. Every suit I wear is virgin white. 156 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,985 I sleep on a bed of loose grains, and begin every morning by dragging 157 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:33,197 my perfect vagina across Chinese silver grass. I'm firm and ripe. 158 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,410 My mother's plane just landed. She took a photo at the airport, 159 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,662 in front of that Wolfgang Puck that smells like a kindergarten. 160 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,540 Want to know the secret to how I changed my future? 161 00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:45,293 -Yes. -Well, once you're a level seven investor 162 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,003 you'll learn that and more. 163 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,298 Yeah, we're not getting the answers we want here. Let's go deeper. 164 00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:58,055 And now, thanks to your generous contributions, 165 00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,348 here are this year's cookies. 166 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,729 ''You will receive a six-point-eight percent year on year increase'' Very nice. 167 00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:09,275 ''Your talents are appreciated when you become junior partner.'' 168 00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:12,445 Holy shit I'm gonna be on 'Dancing with the Stars'! 169 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:17,325 -Please, I can get the money. I swear! -I'm afraid it's too late for that. 170 00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:19,702 God what does it say? 171 00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:24,373 Your penis will be mangled by afrozen yogurt machine at the U.N.! 172 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,583 I know that machine! 173 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:29,253 This would sound impossible to a layman but to me it rings inevitable! 174 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:33,424 Holy shit. This is real. They're controlling fate for profit. 175 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:36,427 I'm glad you're happy, now can we blow up the building or something? 176 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,096 I don't think that's the best way to take away their power, Jerry. 177 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,140 Let's take it in a way that ends with us having it. 178 00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:43,267 -You mean you having it. -I'll share it. 179 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,478 -Then you fuck my mom. -That's not how it works 180 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,438 -and I already have. -What? 181 00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:49,190 Jesus, Jerry, come on. 182 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:52,151 How unfortunate. 183 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,445 Use the emergency fortunes! 184 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,323 Fighting Fortunes? They're leveling up. 185 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,993 ''You'll have great success in a fight'' 186 00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,120 I'll be damned 187 00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,545 Fuck! This both sucks and is really valuable data! 188 00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:19,095 -Rick what are you doing?! -Using you as a human shield! 189 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,347 You said it! You said the thing I thought you were doing!! 190 00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:27,645 We've got intruders. And one of them has an unresolved fortune. 191 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:33,067 -We need that man's mother. -Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am. 192 00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,985 But only one of them is Mrs. 193 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,405 God damn it, Smith? 194 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,664 So are we going to ignore that you tried to stop bullets using my body? 195 00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,417 You have an unresolved fortune. Until you have sex with your mom, 196 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,420 you're basically immortal. Do you have any idea how amazing that is? 197 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:56,006 You don't even care about me. You just want fortune cookie power. 198 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,635 Okay, Jerry, how about this. If it comes down to it, 199 00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:02,138 -I promise I'll put a bullet in her head. -No! 200 00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,557 You're right, the fortune didn't say she'd be alive, did it? 201 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,475 -I hate you! -Hate productive things. 202 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,519 Hate crawling through a fucking air vent. 203 00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:12,690 Those are those weird hex headed screws. Do your screwdriver fingers... 204 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,499 Here you go. 205 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,420 Well, at least we have no idea what's going on. 206 00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:37,548 That's a Lockerean. It's a species that eats chaos. 207 00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:41,010 But It has a digestive disorder Its stomach is stripping randomness 208 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,554 from spacetime and leaving behind superdense pockets of energy 209 00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:46,056 that bend entropy towards definable outcomes. 210 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,726 I mean, that's how fate works. It's a field, like gravity, 211 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:52,021 but instead of pulling small toward big it pulls unknown toward known. 212 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:54,398 -So we do know what’s going on. -We know this: 213 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,734 everyone that's had a fortune cookie in the last twenty years 214 00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,737 has eaten this thing's poop. Fortune cookies are alien poop. 215 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,698 These fortunes are so basic. 216 00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:05,075 Why wouldn't you use this power to change the world? 217 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,912 Or at least get Nintendo to make a portable VR headset. 218 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,582 This place ain't for creating the future, but controlling it. 219 00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:16,545 Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee. The M. Stands for Man. 220 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:20,090 You're an arch little character. You're the reason fortune cookies suck? 221 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,092 No, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea. 222 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,470 You have to glut the marketplace with pointless fortunes 223 00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:26,388 to increase the value of real ones. 224 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:30,643 Controlling destiny for a price, that's the Fortune 500's fortune. 225 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,688 -And you're trying to stop them? -Just trying to get out. 226 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,692 I want to be free with this here alien gal so we can get married. 227 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,444 Then we can have relations. 228 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:43,697 Can't do that before marriage, you know. I'm a Catholic. 229 00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,407 Does the alien want that? 230 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,993 It's not exactly what I'd call a sentient species. 231 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,119 A man knows. 232 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,704 What does this have to do with me? 233 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,581 You put this in my cookie. 234 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,336 I been trying to get people's attention. I'd make fortunes saying 235 00:13:57,419 --> 00:14:00,965 ''You're gonna break your leg unless you investigate this cookie company.'' 236 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:04,552 or ''please come help me or a virus will shut down the world,'' 237 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,554 finally I just made a bunch that said 238 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:09,139 "You’re gonna have sex with your own momma." 239 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,433 How many? It, what happened to the others? 240 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,352 I 'spose they fucked their moms. 241 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,021 Now let's cut her chains and get the hell out of here. 242 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,150 Well, shit on a spaghetti. 243 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,570 Hello Jerry Smith. Glad you could join us 244 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,155 -on bring your mother to work day. -Mom! 245 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:29,368 Hi, Jerry. Your friends picked me up in a limousine. 246 00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:32,204 They said you won something and I should be the one to give it to you? 247 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,582 -You sick fucks. -Are you guys enjoying this? 248 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,585 I used to think I was just a regular white woman. 249 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,254 Then I discovered I could control my destiny. 250 00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:43,340 All white women think that. The truth is, this alien crashed 251 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:47,052 -in your yard and you ate its shit. -How dare you. What’s your name? 252 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,680 How dare you? We should’ve blown up the building. 253 00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,432 Doesn't matter. All I was gonna say is: 254 00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:55,352 guess what, insert name, time for you to eat shit. But first. 255 00:14:57,104 --> 00:15:00,024 -No, I'm so wet. -No. 256 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,358 Jerry. Come back and block bullets. 257 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,153 Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes. 258 00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:12,453 -Fuck! -You can't hide. 259 00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,288 My fortune said ''eadshots Only.'' 260 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:19,251 Harry, Greg, Lashawn, Dave C, Dave M, no! 261 00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:21,128 You piece of shit you killed my friends. 262 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,132 Alright, what does the future hold? 263 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,098 Maybe I can Pokémon this shit. 264 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,225 Blast him or we're both gonna die. 265 00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:36,560 Oh god, oh god. 266 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,231 You control-control water. Like, the water inside a guy. 267 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,983 That's a gross power. 268 00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,698 I’m gonna let you live because your fortune sucks. 269 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,575 You can't kill me. I can't be killed. 270 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,244 Trust me, that's not as good as it sounds. 271 00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,625 It hurts! It burns! 272 00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:04,046 Fuck! Oh my god my ribs! I can feel my shattered ribs. 273 00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,431 Shit these are useless. Where are the fighting fortunes? 274 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:18,268 No no! Those are blanks! Without fortunes, 275 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,480 -the effects are completely unpredictable! -Alright. 276 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,576 I am the son of god. 277 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,167 Jerry! Help me, Jerry! 278 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,254 Mom, stay away! Just stay away! 279 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,339 Come on and fuck already! 280 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,634 Ma'am, is it possible we're being given a chance to take a step back 281 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,094 and examine our behav.... 282 00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:58,976 You can't kill me, old man. I also have an unresolved fortune. 283 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,937 ''The most successful businesswoman on Earth?'' 284 00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:04,565 You could do anything you wanted and you chose... work? 285 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,152 Every day I get closer to an unattainable goal. 286 00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:11,488 A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever. 287 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,199 Well, I just used a dark web account to hack Goldman Sachs, 288 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,286 remove trillions of dollars, and purchase everything your company offers. 289 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:20,664 Congratulations, you're officially the most successful business woman on Earth. 290 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,292 Fortune fulfilled. And now, I'm emptying your bank accounts 291 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:25,127 and giving the money back to Goldman Sachs. 292 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,296 Because I sit dead center on the alignment chart. 293 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,340 You son of a bitch! 294 00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,676 How does it feel to achieve your dreams? Empty, right? 295 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:36,096 Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar. You could see it in his face. 296 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,309 I still have one more dream, 297 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:45,689 watching you die, Rick Sanchez! 298 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,024 You knew my name. 299 00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,579 She's free! Run, run my beauty! 300 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,629 Well, butterfly on a corncob. 301 00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:13,383 I see that I've romanticized a wild animal the same way Margret Howe did 302 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,553 when she jerked off that dolphin in the nineteen-and sixty's. 303 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,640 Both she and I assaulted a captive creature, 304 00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:22,059 then expected it to be reciprocal. 305 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,270 Welp, joopity boot! Time to die. 306 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,236 Follow me, my queen! 307 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,533 That's all the bad guys down, we almost got this, Jer. 308 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,499 No! 309 00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:49,002 Sticks to walls guy, I guess we were both wrong! 310 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,505 Oh god. 311 00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:03,267 -Rick, please! -Jerry, I've got the creature. 312 00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,144 -I knew it. I knew it. -God damn it 313 00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,318 Oh god! 314 00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,114 Goddammit. 315 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,332 -Holy shit that was close. -Close to what? 316 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:31,086 Close to everyone but your son getting anything they want forever. 317 00:19:31,169 --> 00:19:32,129 You saved me. 318 00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:36,216 I will never stop holding this over you. As if that buys me anything. 319 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968 We should get you some clothes, son. 320 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,975 I can just feel the savings. 321 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:50,689 Hey wait. Got this at the crazy place we just were. 322 00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:54,526 It may look like someone stuck a hand-written fortune in there last second, 323 00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,445 but I'm pretty sure that's just the way it came. 324 00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,655 Besides, these don’t mean anything. 325 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,618 Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment, 326 00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,329 thisis a huge waste of the last real fortune. 327 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,457 -I'm sorry, I just... -It's cool, it's cool. 328 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,083 Thanks, friend. 329 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,669 -Friend! Did you just say friend? -What, what did I do? 330 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:16,048 You fucking idiot! I’m not your friend! Why did you think I was your friend? 331 00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,467 -Look at this you piece of shit. -Yeah, yeah, yes, so 332 00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,178 I was immortal! I was immortal for that whole fight! 333 00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:23,180 All I had to do was never make a new friend! 334 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,682 -Jesus fucking Christ Jerry. -I'm sorry! We're not friends! 335 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:29,144 Yeah, too late, bonehead, it doesn't say ''new permanent friend,'' 336 00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:31,438 all friendships end. Especially new ones. 337 00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:35,233 Well maybe that’s a fate the two of us still control. 338 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,575 -I'm sorry I did that. -It's fine. 339 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,454 The zoo, animals, balloons, moats, cages. A fun time for the whole family. 340 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,707 But you don't care about that, you're a zebra. 341 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:35,293 You're here for the unparalleled dining experience of hand-fed zebra food. 342 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:39,172 Delicious. Wait, don't eat. That's for the zebras. 343 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:41,091 It's making you sick. What are you doing? 344 00:21:41,174 --> 00:21:44,094 Jesus, why have they left all the zebra feeding to the people who come to the zoo 345 00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,596 Is that the only way the zebras can get food? They’re so hungry. 346 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,266 What the fuck is happening? We're out of zebra food, okay? 347 00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,268 There's no food left, don't come to the zoo. 348 00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:54,312 This was supposed to be a commercial for zebras, targeted to zebras! 349 00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:57,274 The premise itself was questionable but this is a nightmare! 350 00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,317 Don’t go to the zoo. Stay away from the zoo. 351 00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:02,279 God what are you doing in the booth? Get out! Get out, you're mad... 352 00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:07,451 Eat it. Eat zebra food. 353 00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,620 Okay, I guess I can’t blame Dad for being confused about what to do 354 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:14,124 with the zebra food. Also, I have no idea why they're running this ad, like 355 00:22:14,207 --> 00:22:16,126 on a loop? There were murders in it. 356 00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,046 And it was specifically telling you to do the thing it didn’t want you to do, 357 00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:20,714 until the very end, when it reversed. 358 00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:23,592 Why would they sell the zebra food in the gift shop, unless. 359 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:27,137 I mean, do the zebras shop in here? Are we the ones in the zoo? 360 00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:30,057 Is that the twist? OK, we're, it's a human zoo. Got it. 31779

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