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1
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:14,964
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
2
00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:36,169
More meat loaf, anybody?
3
00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:37,170
No, thanks.
4
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:38,171
No, thank you, honey.
5
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:39,005
Ethel?
6
00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:39,873
Oh, I might as well
7
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,875
finish up that last little dab.
8
00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,014
Potatoes?
9
00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:49,015
No, thanks.
10
00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:50,016
Uh-uh.
11
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:50,884
Ethel?
12
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,385
Just another taste.
13
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:54,387
I hate to see food go to waste.
14
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:01,728
Salad?
15
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,229
No, thanks.
16
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,231
I couldn't eat another bite, honey.
17
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,652
Mm-mmm-mmm.
18
00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:15,158
Sometimes, I feel
19
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,660
like I was married to a garbage
disposal.
20
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:23,166
Oh, leave her alone, Fred.
21
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,468
So she's got a good appetite.
22
00:01:25,468 --> 00:01:28,054
Sure, she's just a growing girl.
23
00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:30,890
Yeah, but she's growing sideways.
24
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,259
Quiet, fat boy.
25
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,762
Lucy, this is the best salad dressing
26
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,013
I ever tasted.
27
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:38,815
Well, thank you very much.
28
00:01:38,815 --> 00:01:40,316
Well, now, for once, you're right.
29
00:01:40,316 --> 00:01:42,819
Why don't you buy a bottle of that
stuff, Ethel?
30
00:01:42,819 --> 00:01:43,770
Oh, you can't buy it.
31
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,572
I made it myself, Fred.
32
00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:47,357
You know, you ought to bottle that,
Lucy,
33
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,358
and sell it.
34
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,359
Oh, Fred!
35
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,360
Well, I mean it.
36
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,861
I bet you could make a lot of money.
37
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:52,862
(chuckles)
38
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,864
Money, money...
39
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:57,867
Where did I hear that word today?
40
00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:01,671
Oh, yes, the teller at the bank
called me
41
00:02:01,671 --> 00:02:04,874
and said that someone's account was
overdrawn.
44
00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:10,380
Guess who the teller said was
overdrawn, Lucy.
45
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,298
Uh, aren't these delicious-looking
pastries?
46
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:13,800
They're real gooey.
47
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,302
I'll, uh, I'll give you a hint:
48
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:19,305
He says it's someone who shares my
joint account,
49
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,641
but it's not me.
50
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,109
Go on, Lucy, guess.
51
00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:25,528
Please, not while I'm eating.
52
00:02:25,528 --> 00:02:26,946
All right.
53
00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:28,948
Not while you're eating.
54
00:02:28,948 --> 00:02:29,949
Cake, Ethel?
55
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:31,951
I don't know where I'd put it.
56
00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:34,871
Just drop it into the bottomless pit.
57
00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:40,793
(chuckling uncontrollably)
58
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:42,795
Are you finished eating?
59
00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:45,298
No, no, I'm not finished yet.
60
00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:46,132
I'll wait.
61
00:03:11,407 --> 00:03:14,194
These are very good.
62
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,946
Made fresh today.
63
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,371
Finished?
64
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,256
Nope.
65
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,717
I never can seem to get enough of
these.
66
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,774
Are you finished now?
67
00:03:44,774 --> 00:03:47,060
Yeah.
68
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,028
Now, would you mind telling me
69
00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:51,531
why you were overdrawn at the bank?
70
00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,533
Every month, I put money in the bank
71
00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:55,034
and every month,
72
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:57,036
you spend it all and more besides.
73
00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:58,538
I don't understand it.
74
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:01,040
I mean, I'd like to know the reason.
75
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,043
Now, why are you overdrawn at the
bank?
76
00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:05,545
Lucy?
77
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:09,966
Eww...
78
00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:18,474
Well, how'd things go after we left
last night?
79
00:04:18,975 --> 00:04:19,976
Pretty rough, huh?
80
00:04:20,476 --> 00:04:22,478
It was the biggest battle of the
budget yet.
81
00:04:22,979 --> 00:04:24,981
We thrashed out every item in my
books.
82
00:04:25,481 --> 00:04:26,849
It was just terrible, Ethel.
83
00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:29,852
I've used up my allowance until June
12.
84
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,771
Oh, that's not bad.
85
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:35,608
June 12, 1978?
86
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:38,111
Oh... well, money isn't everything.
87
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,113
Yeah, with me, it isn't anything.
88
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,615
Gee, I wish I could invent something
89
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:45,118
that would be worth a million
dollars.
90
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,919
You sound just like Fred Mertz.
91
00:04:46,919 --> 00:04:48,087
Fred?
92
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:49,872
Yeah. Ever since we've been married,
93
00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:51,374
he's been trying to think up
94
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,209
one idea worth a million dollars.
95
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:54,927
None of his ideas any good, huh?
96
00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,296
Oh, he had some good ideas,
97
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,098
but somebody always got to the patent
office first.
98
00:04:59,098 --> 00:05:00,516
He's still mad at Edison
99
00:05:00,516 --> 00:05:02,018
for beating him to the electric
light.
100
00:05:04,354 --> 00:05:06,806
And he's never forgiven Ford for
scooping him
101
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,191
with the horseless carriage.
102
00:05:08,191 --> 00:05:10,643
Well, at least, he was trying.
103
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,645
I haven't even got an idea.
104
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,147
Ethel, I've got it!
105
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,148
Got what?
106
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,150
I know how to make a million dollars.
107
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:18,484
How?
108
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,236
Remember last night when Fred was
raving
109
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,238
about my salad dressing?
Yeah.
110
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:23,740
Well, he's right.
I'm gonna bottle it
111
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,575
and put it on the market.
112
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:26,993
Bottle it and sell it.
113
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:30,246
Yeah! It's the best salad dressing I
ever tasted.
114
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,547
We can make it right here in the
kitchen.
115
00:05:31,547 --> 00:05:33,049
Will you help me?
Sure.
116
00:05:33,049 --> 00:05:34,550
It's a real simple recipe.
117
00:05:34,550 --> 00:05:35,551
I have it right here.
118
00:05:35,551 --> 00:05:37,837
Let's see. Here it is.
119
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,088
There now. Let me see.
120
00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:40,556
Let's see now.
What'll we call it?
121
00:05:41,057 --> 00:05:43,059
My Aunt Martha gave it to me.
122
00:05:43,059 --> 00:05:44,560
I suppose we really ought to call it
123
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,062
"Aunt Martha's Salad Dressing."
124
00:05:46,062 --> 00:05:46,896
Sure.
125
00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,348
It needs more than that, though.
126
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,849
How about...
127
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:53,152
"Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
dressing"?
128
00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:54,737
Yeah, and we'll make it with
old-fashioneds.
129
00:05:54,737 --> 00:05:56,823
No.
130
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,491
We'll sell more of it.
131
00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:00,443
Oh, come on, now, be serious.
132
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,945
How are people gonna know that we're
selling it?
133
00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:04,447
Now, we've got to advertise.
134
00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,948
Yeah.
135
00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:08,451
Gee, isn't it too bad we haven't got
money enough
136
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:09,452
to go on television?
137
00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,003
Yeah.
138
00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:13,506
Television!
139
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:15,508
We'll go on television.
140
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:16,709
Huh?
141
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,544
I'll be a cooking expert.
142
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,046
No, no, you'll be the cooking expert,
143
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,547
and-and I'll be one of those women
144
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,049
that they get up from the audience.
145
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,050
I know just how they act.
146
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,351
I've watched them a hundred times.
147
00:06:25,351 --> 00:06:26,269
So have I.
148
00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:27,270
I watch them every day.
149
00:06:27,270 --> 00:06:28,271
That's great.
150
00:06:28,271 --> 00:06:29,272
I know just what to do.
151
00:06:29,272 --> 00:06:30,556
What'll we use for money?
152
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:31,974
What do we need with money?
153
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:33,976
After all, who is my dearest friend
154
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:35,478
in the whole wide world?
155
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:36,696
Caroline Appleby.
156
00:06:36,696 --> 00:06:38,531
Caroline Appleby?
157
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:41,534
Sine when did she get to be your
dearest friend?
158
00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:42,985
Since I just remembered
159
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,238
that her husband runs a television
station.
160
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,707
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
161
00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:49,542
Do you think she'll go for the idea?
162
00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:51,994
I think so, especially if we cut her
in
163
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,248
to the tune of, say, three cents a
bottle.
164
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,083
Yeah, she likes that kind of music.
165
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:57,967
Yeah.
166
00:06:57,967 --> 00:06:59,051
All she's got to do
167
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,053
is get us on that Dickie Davis Show.
168
00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,555
He's on four hours every day
169
00:07:02,555 --> 00:07:04,056
and he sells all sorts of things.
170
00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:08,060
The Dickie Davis Show, yeah.
171
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:09,929
Gee, I hope she'll do it.
172
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,932
Just show her money and she'll do
anything.
173
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,852
She is the greediest, the
penny-pinchingest...
174
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,354
Caroline, darling, how are you, dear?
175
00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:20,356
Why, this is your old chum, Lucy.
176
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:23,860
Thank you, thank you.
177
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,362
That last number was brought to you
178
00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:28,865
by the Nelson Photo Finishing Company
179
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:32,368
located on the corner of Leed
Boulevard and Hickox Avenue.
180
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:33,870
Remember, the slogan
181
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,372
of the Nelson Photo Finishing Company
is
182
00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,424
"our business is developing."
183
00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:40,927
Oh, that's pretty clever: "Our
business is developing."
184
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,428
(chuckles)
185
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,764
Well, that brings us to a brand-new
sponsor.
186
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:47,216
It is now my pleasure to present to
you
187
00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:50,219
Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing
188
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:51,721
and here to tell you all about it
189
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,223
is one of the country's leading home
economists
190
00:07:54,223 --> 00:07:56,726
Mary Margaret McMertz.
191
00:08:02,365 --> 00:08:04,367
Good afternoon, homemakers.
192
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,869
I am Mary Margaret McMertz,
193
00:08:06,869 --> 00:08:10,373
and today I have a wonderful surprise
for you.
194
00:08:10,373 --> 00:08:14,877
For years, only a few close friends
and relatives knew
195
00:08:14,877 --> 00:08:16,379
the thrill of eating salad
196
00:08:16,879 --> 00:08:19,882
made with Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned
Salad Dressing,
197
00:08:19,882 --> 00:08:21,384
but Aunt Martha--
198
00:08:21,384 --> 00:08:24,887
sweet, loveable, kind, old lady that
she is--
199
00:08:24,887 --> 00:08:28,674
has finally consented to let the
world in on her secret,
200
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:31,093
and today you can buy a quart
201
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:34,096
of real, honest-to-goodness, genuine
202
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:37,099
Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing
203
00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:40,102
for only 40 cents a quart.
204
00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:41,103
Simply write to:
205
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,110
Or call:
206
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,115
Oh, pardon me.
207
00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:57,119
I did.
208
00:08:57,119 --> 00:09:00,122
And place your order.
209
00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:04,343
Now, in order to get an unbiased
opinion on this product--
210
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:08,347
for after all, they're paying me to
do this--
211
00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:10,349
just before we went on the air,
212
00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:14,353
I picked an average housewife at
random from our audience
213
00:09:14,353 --> 00:09:16,188
and asked her to help me.
214
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:17,607
Would you come up here,
215
00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:21,611
average housewife whom I picked at
random from our audience?
216
00:09:21,611 --> 00:09:23,112
Yes, you dear.
217
00:09:23,613 --> 00:09:25,114
Right up those stairs.
218
00:09:25,114 --> 00:09:26,616
You, dear.
219
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,491
Hello, dear.
220
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,493
Hello.
221
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:38,995
I'm Mary Margaret McMertz.
222
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:41,497
Oh, how do you do?
223
00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:43,833
And, uh, what is your name?
224
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:44,800
Hmm?
225
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,302
What is your name?
226
00:09:46,302 --> 00:09:48,220
Uh... Isabella Clump.
227
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,056
Oh.
228
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,474
Mrs. Clump.
229
00:09:51,474 --> 00:09:52,975
Yeah.
230
00:09:52,975 --> 00:09:54,477
Have you ever heard
231
00:09:54,477 --> 00:09:57,229
of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing?
232
00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:00,099
Aunt-who's old-what salad-which?
233
00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:03,486
You see, friends, she's never heard
of it.
234
00:10:03,486 --> 00:10:05,488
No, I never heard of it.
235
00:10:05,488 --> 00:10:08,824
Now, I want you to try this salad
dressing
236
00:10:08,824 --> 00:10:10,743
and tell these people what you
think...
237
00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:11,577
Mrs. Clump.
What?
238
00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:12,528
I want you to try
239
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,529
this salad dressing
240
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,031
and tell these people
241
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,032
what you think of it.
242
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,033
Oh, all right.
243
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,034
Pour it on the salad.
244
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:18,834
Oh.
245
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,255
That's it.
246
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,757
Now, toss the salad.
247
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:26,258
Just mix it.
Okay.
248
00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:28,127
(laughing goofily)
249
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:32,682
That's enough, dear.
250
00:10:32,682 --> 00:10:33,683
Now let me have these.
251
00:10:33,683 --> 00:10:34,684
Yeah.
252
00:10:35,184 --> 00:10:37,186
Now, taste it.
253
00:10:37,186 --> 00:10:39,188
Oh. All right.
254
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:42,775
Mmm...
255
00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:44,060
(chuckles)
256
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:45,027
Well?
257
00:10:45,027 --> 00:10:47,530
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...
258
00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:48,531
Mmm... mmm...
259
00:10:48,531 --> 00:10:49,532
Well?
260
00:10:49,532 --> 00:10:50,533
Mmm...
261
00:10:50,533 --> 00:10:52,868
Mmm, mmm, mmm...
262
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:54,704
Well, Mrs. Clump?
263
00:10:54,704 --> 00:10:56,205
Don't bother me.
264
00:10:56,205 --> 00:10:58,457
This is the best salad dressing I've
ever eaten.
265
00:10:58,824 --> 00:10:59,992
There you are.
266
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,994
The opinion of an average housewife
267
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,497
picked at random from our audience.
268
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:05,998
Mmm...
269
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,635
You will feel the same way
270
00:11:09,635 --> 00:11:11,087
once you try
271
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:14,090
Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing
272
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,092
at only 40 cents a quart.
273
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,595
Simply call: Circle 7-2099
274
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:20,596
or write to:
275
00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:23,099
623 East 68th street
276
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,101
and place your order.
277
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:28,604
Until tomorrow, good-bye, then.
278
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:37,997
You can relax, girls.
279
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:38,998
You're off the air.
280
00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:40,332
Oh.
281
00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:41,667
Oh, how'd we'd do?
282
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,169
Oh, wonderful.
You've already got
283
00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:44,170
23 orders by phone.
284
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,672
Oh, 23 orders! 23!
285
00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:48,641
Oh, no kidding!
286
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,805
...a hundred and forty-four,
287
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:05,391
a hundred and forty-four...
288
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,394
a hundred and forty-five...
289
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,980
a hundred and forty-five...
290
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,482
a hundred and forty-six...
291
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:16,485
a hundred and forty-six.
292
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:18,487
There-- the salt's all in.
293
00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:21,991
That takes care of the oil.
294
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,325
Gee, if I get any
295
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:26,078
more of this stuff on me, I'll be
ready to swim the channel.
296
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,747
What do we do next?
297
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,631
Peel the onions.
298
00:12:29,131 --> 00:12:30,633
Peel the onions.
299
00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:40,559
Say, Lucy...
300
00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:41,560
What?
301
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,063
Where'd you get the money to buy all
this stuff?
302
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,064
Charged it.
303
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:47,566
Charged it?
What's Ricky gonna say?
304
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:49,068
Nothing-- we'll have the money back
305
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:50,569
before the bills come in.
306
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,071
Oh, of course.
307
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,572
Gee, isn't it wonderful?
308
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,075
We only started in business yesterday
309
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:58,577
and already we got orders for 23
quarts.
310
00:12:58,577 --> 00:12:59,578
Yeah, and no telling
311
00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:01,580
how many more the mail will bring.
312
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:04,083
Gee, this is a real get-rich-quick
scheme.
313
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:06,085
I'll say.
Ooh.
314
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:08,921
Just think, in no time at all, we're
gonna be millionaires.
315
00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:11,257
Oh, that'll be lovely.
316
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,708
Yeah.
317
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,928
What are you going to do with your
first million?
318
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:20,266
I'm going to go right out and buy
myself a mink coat.
319
00:13:20,516 --> 00:13:21,634
So am I.
320
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,135
Then I'm going to buy myself
321
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,638
a house in the country with a
swimming pool
322
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,140
and tennis court and horses.
323
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,141
Oh, boy.
324
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,644
Oh, that'll be nice.
325
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,146
(sniffling)
326
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:35,648
(sniffling)
327
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,650
You know what I'm going to do?
328
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,951
What?
329
00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:43,656
I'm going downtown and buy that bank
and fire that teller.
330
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,075
That'll be great.
331
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,043
Yeah.
332
00:13:48,544 --> 00:13:51,330
We're going to be so happy.
333
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,499
Yeah.
334
00:13:54,884 --> 00:13:55,384
RICKY: Hi.
335
00:13:55,885 --> 00:13:57,386
Hi, Ricky.
Hi, darling.
336
00:13:57,386 --> 00:13:59,839
Lucy, Ethel, what's the matter?
337
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:00,840
What do you mean, what's the matter?
338
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:02,341
What are you crying for?
339
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,843
Crying?
340
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,344
Oh, it's the onions.
341
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,178
Oh... Oh.
342
00:14:07,396 --> 00:14:08,814
Say, what's all this?
343
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:10,316
Welcome to the main plant
344
00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:13,152
of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing, Incorporated.
345
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:14,854
What?!
346
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,772
Ethel and I are in business.
347
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:19,275
We are bottling that good salad
dressing I make.
348
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,743
Ay, que barbaridad.
349
00:14:20,743 --> 00:14:22,745
Mira que no saben lo que estan
haciendo.
350
00:14:22,745 --> 00:14:25,247
That's not true, whatever you said.
351
00:14:25,247 --> 00:14:27,616
We're going to make a million
dollars.
352
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:29,585
Well, this is the most ridiculous
thing
353
00:14:30,085 --> 00:14:31,871
I've ever heard in my whole life.
354
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:32,788
Why?
355
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:34,173
There's lots
356
00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:35,674
of wonderful salad dressing in the
market
357
00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:38,043
made by people that know what they're
doing.
358
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,045
Well, we know what we're doing.
359
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,547
I should say!
360
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,550
We've already got orders for 23 jars.
361
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,051
At 40 cents a quart.
362
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,052
40 cents a quart?
363
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,888
Yes, sir.
364
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,806
That sounds awful cheap.
365
00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:53,025
How much does it cost to make?
366
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:56,362
Oh... uh... um...
367
00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:58,614
Oh, um...
368
00:14:58,614 --> 00:15:00,616
Well, we didn't figure that.
369
00:15:00,616 --> 00:15:01,567
Oh, I see.
370
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,569
Well, what did you figure?
371
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,571
Well, we figured you'd just buy the
oil
372
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,573
and the onions and stuff, and-and
sell it
373
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,875
and what's left over is profit.
374
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:13,162
Uh-huh, and what if there's nothing
left over?
375
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,080
Well, there's got to be something
left over.
376
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,082
How else can we make a million
dollars?
377
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:19,585
Wait a minute.
Now wait a minute.
378
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,586
Now let's figure this thing out.
379
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,638
How-how much did you pay for all this
stuff?
380
00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:23,639
All of it?
381
00:15:24,139 --> 00:15:24,640
Yeah, all the stuff.
Come on.
382
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,142
Well, $7.21 for the groceries.
383
00:15:27,142 --> 00:15:28,143
$7.21.
384
00:15:28,644 --> 00:15:29,144
Yeah.
385
00:15:29,645 --> 00:15:30,145
For the groceries.
386
00:15:30,646 --> 00:15:34,149
ETHEL: And $1.20 for the jars.
387
00:15:34,149 --> 00:15:36,151
$1.20 For the jars.
388
00:15:36,151 --> 00:15:37,653
LUCY: Ten cents for the labels.
389
00:15:38,153 --> 00:15:38,654
(sniffles)
390
00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:40,155
Ten cents for the labels.
391
00:15:40,155 --> 00:15:40,656
(sniffles)
392
00:15:41,156 --> 00:15:42,658
That's, um...
393
00:15:43,158 --> 00:15:43,659
(sniffles)
394
00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:45,160
(muttering)
395
00:15:45,661 --> 00:15:47,162
$8.31...
396
00:15:47,162 --> 00:15:49,164
(sniffles)
397
00:15:49,164 --> 00:15:52,501
and um...
how many jars are you making?
398
00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:53,752
Twenty-three.
399
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:56,622
(tearfully): 23 jars.
400
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:57,623
(sniffles)
401
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,926
and, uh...
and you're selling it for what?
402
00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:02,711
40 cents a quart.
403
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,179
40 cents a quart.
404
00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:05,681
(sniffles)
405
00:16:05,681 --> 00:16:09,685
(tearfully): 23 jars, 40 cents a
quart.
406
00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:13,138
Oh, now, get these onions out of
here!
407
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,640
For goodness' sake.
408
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,643
Now, let me see now.
409
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,529
That's, uh... uh-huh.
410
00:16:20,529 --> 00:16:22,398
How much profit are we going to make?
411
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,116
Three cents a jar.
412
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:26,452
Three cents a jar?
413
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,454
That three cents goes to Caroline.
414
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:30,456
Yeah. Well, uh...
415
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:32,958
maybe there is no profit on each
individual jar,
416
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:34,827
but we'll make it up in volume.
417
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,329
This I'd like to see.
418
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:38,831
And let me tell you something else.
419
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,832
LUCY: What?
420
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:43,218
I didn't figure shipping, mailing,
421
00:16:43,218 --> 00:16:45,721
insurance, taxes or overhead.
422
00:16:46,221 --> 00:16:48,974
Oh, well, if you're gonna figure all
that stuff.
423
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:49,758
Lucy.
424
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:50,759
What?
425
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:51,760
Come here.
426
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:53,262
No.
427
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,763
Look, I'm not gonna get mad.
428
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:55,764
You're not?
429
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:57,266
No.
430
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:58,767
Well, all right.
431
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:00,769
Now, at least you tried.
432
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:01,770
Yes.
433
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,272
Now, the thing for you to do
434
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:06,191
is fill this 23 orders and get out of
business.
435
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,192
Well...
436
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,694
That way, I'll only lose
437
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,195
seven or eight dollars.
Yeah.
438
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:11,697
FRED: Lucy! Ethel!
439
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:12,698
Yeah?
We're in here, Fred.
440
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,832
FRED: I got your mail.
441
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:14,833
Okay.
442
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:18,087
(whispering)
443
00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:20,756
What's that?
444
00:17:20,756 --> 00:17:22,257
That's your morning mail.
445
00:17:22,257 --> 00:17:23,759
The morning mail?
446
00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:25,127
You're kidding!
447
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,595
"Send me one quart of
448
00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:28,097
Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing."
449
00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:29,598
"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned..."
450
00:17:30,099 --> 00:17:31,100
"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned..."
451
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,384
"Send me two quarts of..."
452
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,269
LUCY: "Send me four quarts
453
00:17:34,269 --> 00:17:35,771
of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad
Dressing."
454
00:17:35,771 --> 00:17:36,772
"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's
455
00:17:36,772 --> 00:17:38,223
Old-Fash..."
456
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:39,608
They're all the same.
They're all orders.
457
00:17:39,608 --> 00:17:41,560
Well, how.. wh-where did this mail
come from?
458
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,362
How do these people know about this?
459
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:44,730
Um...
460
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,732
uh, well, yesterday we did a spot
461
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,485
on Charlie Appleby's television show.
462
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,287
Well, there's two more sacks of mail
downstairs.
463
00:17:52,287 --> 00:17:53,038
Oh, no.
464
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:53,872
Well, what's the matter?
465
00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:55,374
I thought you'd be glad.
466
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,877
Uh, we just applied a little
arithmetic
467
00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:00,379
and we found out
468
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:02,881
that they're losing money on every
jar.
469
00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:04,750
I thought it sounded too good.
470
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:07,219
Hey, Lucy, look at all this mail.
471
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,721
We must be terrific television
salesmen.
472
00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:12,224
Yeah. Oh, listen!
473
00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:14,226
Maybe we'd better go back on that
program
474
00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:16,228
and unsell that salad dressing,
and...
475
00:18:16,228 --> 00:18:17,729
and then maybe all these people
476
00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:19,231
will take back their orders.
Yeah.
477
00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:20,599
What are you talking about?
478
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:23,068
Well, if we did such a good job of
selling yesterday,
479
00:18:23,068 --> 00:18:25,404
maybe we can go back on again and
unsell it today.
480
00:18:25,404 --> 00:18:28,857
Here I am again, Mary Margaret
McMertz.
481
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,410
And today I'm going to demonstrate
the same product
482
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,412
that I showed you yesterday.
483
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,914
And to get an unbiased opinion,
484
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:39,334
I asked an average housewife,
485
00:18:39,334 --> 00:18:40,836
picked at random from our audience
486
00:18:40,836 --> 00:18:43,338
just before we went on the air, to
come up here and help me.
487
00:18:43,338 --> 00:18:44,840
Uh, would you come up here,
488
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,342
average housewife whom I picked at
random, please?
489
00:18:56,351 --> 00:18:57,769
How do you do?
490
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,189
Hello.
491
00:19:00,189 --> 00:19:02,191
I am Mary Margaret McMertz.
492
00:19:02,191 --> 00:19:03,692
How do you do?
493
00:19:03,692 --> 00:19:06,195
And what is your name?
494
00:19:06,195 --> 00:19:08,197
What is your name?
495
00:19:08,197 --> 00:19:09,615
Huh?
496
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:10,616
Your name, please?
497
00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,952
Oh, Lucille Mcgillicuddy.
498
00:19:13,952 --> 00:19:15,787
Oh, now, Mrs. Mcgillicuddy,
499
00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:18,123
you know why you're up here, don't
you?
500
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:20,075
Huh?
501
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:22,077
You know why you're up here, don't
you?
502
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,963
I'm... No, I don't.
503
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:27,466
Well, I want you to try
504
00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:30,969
some of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned
Salad Dressing
505
00:19:30,969 --> 00:19:32,971
and tell these people what you think
of it.
506
00:19:32,971 --> 00:19:33,972
Oh, all righty.
507
00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:37,009
It's a mighty pretty color, isn't it?
508
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,513
(bellows in disgust)
509
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,515
Wow, wow!
510
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,234
What's that?!
511
00:19:45,234 --> 00:19:47,736
Why, that's Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing.
512
00:19:47,736 --> 00:19:50,239
Are you sure? Smell it.
513
00:19:52,074 --> 00:19:53,408
How about that?
514
00:19:53,408 --> 00:19:57,162
Looks like Aunt Martha had too many
Old-Fashioneds.
515
00:19:57,162 --> 00:19:59,498
What do you want me to do with it?
516
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:00,782
Why, I want you to taste it.
517
00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:04,086
Taste it?
518
00:20:04,086 --> 00:20:06,538
Now, maybe that's a bad jar.
519
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,540
You could say that again.
520
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,042
Here, let's try another one.
521
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,044
It's really delicious.
522
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,845
All righty.
523
00:20:32,281 --> 00:20:36,868
What's Aunt Martha trying to do,
poison me?
524
00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:40,489
Friends, I can no longer endorse this
product.
525
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:43,158
If you have ordered it, send in your
cancellations.
526
00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:44,993
Cancel, cancel.
527
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:48,463
Phone to: Circle 7-2099
528
00:20:48,463 --> 00:20:51,750
or write to: 623 East 68th street.
529
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,252
And do it now.
530
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:06,148
FRED: Lucy! Ethel!
531
00:21:06,148 --> 00:21:06,932
The mail.
532
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,734
Here it is!
Come on in!
533
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:09,568
Here it is.
Open up.
534
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,987
Look! Cancellations!
535
00:21:11,987 --> 00:21:12,487
It worked.
536
00:21:12,487 --> 00:21:13,989
Oh, boy.
537
00:21:13,989 --> 00:21:15,991
Oh, yes.
538
00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:19,328
Here.
539
00:21:19,328 --> 00:21:20,746
"Keep kidding the product.
540
00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:23,749
"It's wonderful.
Send me four jars."
541
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:27,252
"Enjoyed your hilarious advertising
stunt on television.
542
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:30,756
"Send me a jar of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."
543
00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:32,257
"That's the American way to do
things--
544
00:21:32,257 --> 00:21:33,258
"with a sense of humor.
545
00:21:33,258 --> 00:21:35,260
Send me a half a dozen jars."
546
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:37,212
They're all orders.
547
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,714
Oh... four quarts.
548
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,215
Send me one quart...
Lucy...
549
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:41,216
(bottles clinking)
550
00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:44,219
(counting under her breath)
551
00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:51,310
(counting under her breath)
552
00:22:03,121 --> 00:22:06,158
(counting under her breath)
553
00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:17,386
(counting under her breath)
554
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:24,009
(counting under her breath)
555
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:32,434
(counting under her breath)
556
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:36,938
(counting under her breath)
557
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,442
Is that the last one?
558
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:42,444
Next to the last.
559
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:47,249
Stick out your tongue.
560
00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:51,787
Thanks.
561
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:54,790
Mine went dry 200 jars ago.
562
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,792
(chuckling)
563
00:22:56,792 --> 00:23:00,295
1,153 jars.
564
00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:01,296
Wow-wee.
565
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:02,798
Come on, I'm tired.
566
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,299
So am I.
567
00:23:04,299 --> 00:23:05,300
Whew!
568
00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:06,301
Hi, girls.
569
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:07,803
Hi. Hi.
570
00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:10,305
Listen, I got to feeling sorry for
you,
571
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,808
so I got a whole assembly-line system
figured out.
572
00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:14,309
You can bottle this stuff in no time
at all.
573
00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:17,813
Well, thanks just the same, but we
have news for you:
574
00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,314
We're all finished.
575
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,816
Come here.
Finished?
576
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:21,616
So soon?
577
00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:26,488
My goodness!
578
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:27,739
How did you do it?
579
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:29,991
Oh, Lucy had a wonderful idea.
580
00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:30,792
Oh, it wasn't so much.
581
00:23:31,293 --> 00:23:32,794
We just went to the grocery store,
582
00:23:32,794 --> 00:23:36,164
bought 1,133 jars of salad dressing
583
00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:39,000
and pasted our labels on them.
584
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,921
And it only cost ten cents more a
quart than ours.
585
00:23:44,723 --> 00:23:46,057
What?
586
00:23:46,057 --> 00:23:47,926
So we lost money.
587
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,929
We'll spend the rest of our lives
making it up.
588
00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:52,564
Yeah, the main thing is,
589
00:23:52,564 --> 00:23:53,432
we're done with it.
Yeah.
590
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:55,233
Are you?
591
00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:56,401
What do you mean?
592
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:58,186
Well, you have to deliver this stuff.
593
00:23:58,186 --> 00:24:00,939
It's gonna cost you at least 20 cents
to mail it.
594
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:02,607
Just a minute, dear.
595
00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:04,109
We have that all figured out.
596
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:05,911
Come, Ethel Roberta.
597
00:24:07,579 --> 00:24:08,914
(knock on door)
598
00:24:10,415 --> 00:24:11,917
Oh, hiya, Fred.
599
00:24:11,917 --> 00:24:13,418
Hi, Rick. Did you tell them about our
plan?
600
00:24:13,418 --> 00:24:14,920
Yeah.
601
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,421
What's this?!
602
00:24:16,421 --> 00:24:17,923
They don't need our plan.
603
00:24:17,923 --> 00:24:19,925
They went to the market store,
604
00:24:19,925 --> 00:24:22,928
they bought over a thousand and some
more jars of this stuff,
605
00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:24,930
they got their own labels, they
pasted it on,
606
00:24:24,930 --> 00:24:26,431
and they got it all finished.
607
00:24:26,431 --> 00:24:27,933
Pretty clever.
608
00:24:27,933 --> 00:24:30,936
I'm waiting here to find out how
they're gonna deliver it.
609
00:24:30,936 --> 00:24:31,937
Yeah, how are they gonna do that?
610
00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:33,939
I don't know.
Look, I gave up
611
00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:36,224
trying to outguess them a long time
ago.
612
00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:59,664
Where's my assistant?
613
00:25:04,469 --> 00:25:06,755
Well, you take the East Side, I'll
take the West Side,
614
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,139
and I'll be in Jersey afore ye.
615
00:25:23,488 --> 00:25:25,056
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
616
00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:29,060
Captioned by Media Access Group at
WGBH access.wgbh.org
617
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:11,069
ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
production.
618
00:26:11,069 --> 00:26:13,004
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
619
00:26:13,004 --> 00:26:15,473
will be back next week at this same
time.
620
00:26:18,043 --> 00:26:20,612
ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS
Television Network.
40815
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