Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:53,875
"Like a mighty army"...
2
00:00:54,125 --> 00:00:58,083
“Moved the church of god."
3
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:02,833
"Brothers, we are treading"...
4
00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:07,583
"Where the saints have trod.“
5
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:12,208
"we are not divided"...
6
00:01:12,292 --> 00:01:16,458
“All one body we."
7
00:01:16,667 --> 00:01:20,958
"One in hope and doctrine"...
8
00:01:21,167 --> 00:01:26,000
“One in charity."
9
00:01:26,083 --> 00:01:30,458
"Onward Christian soldiers"...
10
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:34,000
“Marching as to war."
11
00:01:34,708 --> 00:01:39,292
"With the cross of Jesus"...
12
00:01:39,375 --> 00:01:44,125
“Going on before."
13
00:01:47,958 --> 00:01:48,958
One basket...
14
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:50,833
Had very good figs.
15
00:01:51,917 --> 00:01:52,917
But the other basket...
16
00:01:53,208 --> 00:01:55,208
Had very naughty figs.
17
00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:57,542
Then, said the lord unto me...
18
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,000
“What seest thou, Jeremiah?“
19
00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:03,000
and I said: "Figs."
20
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,042
My friends...
21
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:10,125
For my sermon today, I have
chosen the subject of sex.
22
00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:15,708
The other day, a friend
said to me...
23
00:02:16,292 --> 00:02:18,250
"Geoff, old chum"...
24
00:02:18,875 --> 00:02:22,333
“Is there too much
sex around these days?"
25
00:02:22,708 --> 00:02:24,708
"Especially on the television?"
26
00:02:25,625 --> 00:02:27,083
Well, my answer...
27
00:02:27,375 --> 00:02:28,375
Is "yes."
28
00:02:28,958 --> 00:02:32,625
Oh, I would be the first to
agree that sex...
29
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,333
In its proper context is a beautiful
and ennobling thing.
30
00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:39,375
But, in its proper context.
31
00:02:39,833 --> 00:02:41,167
And that does not mean...
32
00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:43,625
When it is thrust at us for
commercial gain.
33
00:02:43,792 --> 00:02:46,625
Thrust at us, in
ever-increasing quantities...
34
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:49,167
By the muck-mongers of
the mass media.
35
00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:51,167
The time has come for us...
36
00:02:51,375 --> 00:02:54,542
To call a halt to this
moral erosion.
37
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,208
To join a crusade for better,
cleaner television.
38
00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:00,500
That crusade...
39
00:03:00,708 --> 00:03:05,625
Is the england clean,
england strong society.
40
00:03:06,042 --> 00:03:07,042
Hmmph.
41
00:03:13,875 --> 00:03:17,417
"Every home should have one."
42
00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:21,375
"Every home should have one."
43
00:03:22,042 --> 00:03:25,916
"Every home should have one,
every home should have one."
44
00:03:25,917 --> 00:03:29,375
"Every home should have one.
Cool as mountain dew."
45
00:03:29,750 --> 00:03:33,375
"Smooth and swift and super-emollient.
Instant, special new!"
46
00:03:33,542 --> 00:03:35,375
"Plastic free gifts have to be given"...
47
00:03:35,750 --> 00:03:37,458
"Free!"
48
00:03:37,708 --> 00:03:39,416
"Satisfaction certificated"...
49
00:03:39,417 --> 00:03:41,250
“Polyvinyl chromium-plated."
50
00:03:41,292 --> 00:03:43,250
"Every home should have one"...
51
00:03:43,292 --> 00:03:45,167
“In a monster size."
52
00:03:45,208 --> 00:03:46,976
"Sun-ripe, sunkissed, sun—blessed
and bottled“...
53
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,417
“Super grand surprise."
54
00:03:48,958 --> 00:03:52,208
"Brown and bronzed and bleached
with a guarantee."
55
00:03:52,375 --> 00:03:56,000
"Every home should have one."
56
00:03:56,167 --> 00:04:00,042
"Every home should have one."
57
00:04:00,542 --> 00:04:04,500
"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter“...
58
00:04:04,542 --> 00:04:06,499
"Sparkling white, and whiter"...
59
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,958
"Full of every vitamin“...
60
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,625
“That you will ever hope to see.“
61
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:27,750
"Every home should have one,
just like mother made"...
62
00:04:28,292 --> 00:04:32,042
“Silky, sexy, super-deodorous,
tested by the trade."
63
00:04:32,250 --> 00:04:35,875
"Go to work on this and
you'll walk on air."
64
00:04:36,083 --> 00:04:38,250
"Spread so smooth and easy to
wear and wash“...
65
00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:39,934
“It's something that you
can share in."
66
00:04:39,958 --> 00:04:43,750
"Every home should have one,
gives a well-sprung rest."
67
00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:47,417
"High-grade, high-speed, high-definition,
bigger, better, best!"
68
00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:51,125
"Unrepeatable offer of country fare!"
69
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:54,917
"Every home should have one."
70
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,708
"Every home should have one."
71
00:04:59,417 --> 00:05:03,333
"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter“...
72
00:05:03,417 --> 00:05:07,542
“Sparkling white, and whiter!
"Full of every vitamin“...
73
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:12,458
“That you will ever hope to see!“
74
00:05:49,792 --> 00:05:51,042
Ooh!
75
00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:53,750
Oh...!
76
00:05:57,875 --> 00:05:58,958
Oh!
77
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,167
I'm whizzy, the alka vita kid!
78
00:06:17,208 --> 00:06:19,333
Feeling unwell? Stomach upsets
getting you down?
79
00:06:19,625 --> 00:06:20,625
You tell, em, kid.
80
00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:23,083
"I clean your liver through and through.“
81
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:25,125
"that's the job I do for you."
82
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,125
"See it sparkle, see it fizz!“
83
00:06:27,375 --> 00:06:30,958
"alka vita is a whizz."
84
00:06:34,208 --> 00:06:38,542
"For sparkling teeth and
tingly gums"...
85
00:06:39,375 --> 00:06:42,000
“Use chlorodent!"
86
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:51,375
"And remember, chlorodent gives
you that halo of hygiene!"
87
00:06:54,208 --> 00:06:55,934
You said you were going to
finish that Saturday night.
88
00:06:55,958 --> 00:06:57,000
Had to watch TV.
89
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,708
"Had to“? A man came in and
forced you at the point of a gun?
90
00:07:00,083 --> 00:07:01,707
You and dad were out,
so hildegarde said-—-
91
00:07:01,708 --> 00:07:04,458
hildegard's altogether too
easy-going with you.
92
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:08,542
Dad seeing them again?
93
00:07:09,458 --> 00:07:11,250
That'll be the jolly dandruff giant.
94
00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:14,792
I don't like the jolly dandruff giant.
He's a silly old ponce.
95
00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:17,167
What did you say?
96
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:19,250
Morning, rich.
97
00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:21,042
Morning, dad.
98
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,875
Just tell your father what
you just said.
99
00:07:24,417 --> 00:07:27,708
I said I think the jolly dandruff
giant is a silly old ponce.
100
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:29,958
- That's interesting, isn't it?
- Mmm.
101
00:07:30,792 --> 00:07:32,684
We've got a very good
identification with the, er...
102
00:07:32,708 --> 00:07:34,582
- Fourteen to fifteen age group-—-
- no, the word he used.
103
00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:36,625
- Do you approve?
- Hmm? Um...
104
00:07:36,917 --> 00:07:38,500
No! Certainly not.
105
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,917
Richard - never let me hear you
use that word again.
106
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:43,917
Policemen say it.
107
00:07:44,208 --> 00:07:46,875
You've never heard
a policeman say that!
108
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,500
I did, on a TV play on
Saturday night.
109
00:07:49,625 --> 00:07:51,207
Then when the girl came in,
they sai—-...
110
00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:53,707
No one wants to hear.
Get on with your cornflakes.
111
00:07:53,708 --> 00:07:55,208
I'll have a chat with hildegarde.
112
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:56,625
Hildegarde.
113
00:07:57,958 --> 00:07:59,167
Hildegarde!
114
00:08:00,292 --> 00:08:01,875
Hildegarde!
115
00:08:02,792 --> 00:08:03,875
My baby?!
116
00:08:04,208 --> 00:08:06,583
Richard? I don't believe it!
117
00:08:06,708 --> 00:08:09,083
From the fathers I expect
this sort of thing.
118
00:08:09,292 --> 00:08:11,583
But from the sons,
it's too much.
119
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:13,333
Goodbye, mrs brown!
120
00:08:49,208 --> 00:08:53,250
You're late.
121
00:08:54,042 --> 00:08:57,125
Because it's McLaughlin's
frozen porridge, dear.
122
00:08:58,458 --> 00:09:01,417
Is that why it's so
smooth and creamy?
123
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:02,750
Yes, dear.
124
00:09:03,083 --> 00:09:05,708
McLaughlin's is made from the
pick of the cats.
125
00:09:05,750 --> 00:09:08,000
Come on - eat up!
126
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:12,208
He loves his frozen
McLaughlin's, bless him.
127
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,125
Take a tip from wee Angus.
128
00:09:15,167 --> 00:09:18,167
McLaughlin's frozen porridge
builds Bonnie bairns!
129
00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:22,250
"Yes, Bonnie boys and Bonnie girls"...
130
00:09:22,292 --> 00:09:25,583
“Eat McLaughlin's frozen porridge."
131
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,667
You want a considered opinion?
132
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:37,500
Yuch!
133
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:39,667
"Y-u-c-h"?
134
00:09:39,708 --> 00:09:40,708
Precisely.
135
00:09:41,042 --> 00:09:42,542
And underlined!
136
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:44,042
What went wrong, nat?
137
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,750
Oh, it's, uh... er, excuse me.
138
00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:49,333
Frank, a merchandising error...
139
00:09:49,708 --> 00:09:52,417
Teddy - what did I do wrong?
140
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:55,167
You forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.
141
00:09:56,208 --> 00:09:58,888
- Socio-economic?
- Chandler: -—-their board, and their head office.
142
00:10:00,125 --> 00:10:01,000
You see...
143
00:10:01,042 --> 00:10:04,833
Er, Teddy forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.
144
00:10:04,875 --> 00:10:05,417
Teddy?
145
00:10:05,542 --> 00:10:07,875
My graphics man -
wonderful young fellow...
146
00:10:07,958 --> 00:10:10,958
- Oh, he is so... —
- Pure victorian sentimentality.
147
00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:17,250
But frank, the “love equals
frozen porridge" angle!
148
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,250
We won the prize for
that one, frank.
149
00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:21,917
The brand-identification factor is
up to seventy—three.
150
00:10:21,958 --> 00:10:23,542
I'll go along with that, frank.
151
00:10:23,792 --> 00:10:25,000
- Hang on!
- Nat...
152
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:27,000
You have fallen down,
on a big one.
153
00:10:27,083 --> 00:10:28,792
McLaughlin's not just one account.
154
00:10:28,917 --> 00:10:30,167
He's a commercial empire.
155
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:31,292
Um... ooh.
156
00:10:31,375 --> 00:10:32,957
Well, I keep telling that
to Teddy.
157
00:10:32,958 --> 00:10:35,417
He can tell you. Teddy, will you
tell 'em, please?
158
00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:37,124
Motivational research
gave us a...
159
00:10:37,125 --> 00:10:38,476
Survey in depth, frank.
160
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:39,583
Mother love is in.
161
00:10:39,625 --> 00:10:41,143
I go along with that thinking,
too, frank.
162
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:42,809
He goes along with that thinking,
too, frank.
163
00:10:42,833 --> 00:10:45,000
A McLaughlin campaign has
to be important.
164
00:10:45,250 --> 00:10:46,417
Impact, Charles.
165
00:10:46,583 --> 00:10:48,351
- Now, you... play with that sales report.
- Teddy, for Pete's sake...
166
00:10:48,375 --> 00:10:51,708
Say something. I am pleading with
you to say something.
167
00:10:57,125 --> 00:11:00,458
- Morning, Jenny.
- Morning, mr brown.
168
00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:02,583
Inject a dignity factor.
169
00:11:02,625 --> 00:11:04,542
- Yes, we can give it more dignity.
- Mmm.
170
00:11:04,583 --> 00:11:06,042
Erm, uh, giveaway campaign.
171
00:11:06,125 --> 00:11:09,333
Free plastic, uh... what are those funny
things scotties are always wearing?
172
00:11:09,375 --> 00:11:10,917
Oh, they're what we call "sporrans".
173
00:11:10,958 --> 00:11:12,708
Aye, free plastic sporrans!
174
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:15,375
We lose McLaughlin, we lose
more than agency revenue.
175
00:11:15,417 --> 00:11:17,667
Don't you know his latest factory
was opened by royalty?
176
00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,809
- “Royalty equals mother love."
- Terribly sorry.
177
00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:20,792
There's a chance...
178
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:23,250
The McLaughlin conglomerate...
Mcloughlin foundation.
179
00:11:23,625 --> 00:11:25,875
Sporrans?
180
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,000
What's your view?
181
00:11:30,542 --> 00:11:32,333
- I...
- I agree entirely.
182
00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:34,167
- It stinks. — uh...?
183
00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:38,375
The campaign as at present
conceptualised... stinks.
184
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:43,250
And he, he is the only
one with the...
185
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:44,625
With the insight...
186
00:11:44,708 --> 00:11:47,000
The, the insight, and
the guts, to...
187
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:50,333
To... hmm. Who is he?
188
00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:54,208
Well, he's one of my boys.
He's on my team, frank.
189
00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:55,917
His name is Teddy brown.
190
00:11:56,042 --> 00:11:58,958
He's a product of the old
nat kaplan nursery...
191
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,500
And I am grooming him
personally, frank.
192
00:12:01,833 --> 00:12:03,750
- Nat, you're hurting me. — oh.
193
00:12:03,875 --> 00:12:04,792
Then, brown...
194
00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:06,542
An honest appraisal of
the campaign.
195
00:12:06,875 --> 00:12:09,333
Give it to me straight. Where do
you think we went wrong?
196
00:12:10,458 --> 00:12:13,458
Tell him. Tell him where we
went wrong, huh?
197
00:12:13,875 --> 00:12:14,917
Well, um...
198
00:12:15,792 --> 00:12:16,917
Fundamentally...
199
00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:18,792
- We were...
- Yes, yes?
200
00:12:18,917 --> 00:12:20,625
The mistake we made
was, you see...
201
00:12:20,708 --> 00:12:25,125
- Er, selling porridge...
- A-ha! Ah? Ha, ha, right!
202
00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:27,708
Right? Oh, he hit the nail right
on the head! Oh, gee...
203
00:12:27,792 --> 00:12:32,958
This good old genius, old Teddy,
bay-bee! I know what's on your mind!
204
00:12:33,375 --> 00:12:35,875
- You do?
- Oh, ho! The classical error...
205
00:12:35,917 --> 00:12:38,750
We disobeyed principle
number one.
206
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:41,750
You don't sell the steak;
You sell the sizzle.
207
00:12:41,958 --> 00:12:45,250
Now it's getting exciting.
How it's beginning to feel good!
208
00:12:45,375 --> 00:12:47,958
That one creative leap.
209
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,833
All right, brown.
210
00:12:53,750 --> 00:12:54,833
Set up your team.
211
00:12:55,458 --> 00:12:57,875
You don't take the ball from
the man on top of it.
212
00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:00,333
The new McLaughlin campaign...
213
00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:03,000
From now on: It's your baby.
214
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:06,208
- It's not funny, it's disgusting.
- It's just a hobby.
215
00:13:06,292 --> 00:13:07,583
Collecting girls' knickers?
216
00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,250
All the chaps in our form are.
217
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:11,583
You see nothing wrong in
collecting strange knickers...
218
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,333
And pressing them in your
stamp album?
219
00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,333
- Well, it was on television.
- What was?
220
00:13:15,417 --> 00:13:16,792
The play about this old man.
221
00:13:16,917 --> 00:13:20,125
- He went round clothes lines, stealing knickers.
- I don't want to hear!
222
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,309
Goodness knows what your father will think.
223
00:13:30,292 --> 00:13:31,874
- Ready?
- No. I came up with the...
224
00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:33,499
- Art department...
- Stop being a child!
225
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:34,559
I'm not being a child.
Look, I've never...
226
00:13:34,583 --> 00:13:36,559
Handled a whole campaign
on my own before, that's all.
227
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,792
That's ridiculous. Believe me.
Trust me.
228
00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:40,625
- Nat, I...
- That really hurts a man.
229
00:13:40,667 --> 00:13:43,583
- Are you ready to order, gentlemen?
- Look, I'll handle this, Teddy.
230
00:13:43,625 --> 00:13:46,583
I'll, er, I'll have my usual, Mario.
231
00:13:46,875 --> 00:13:49,708
My name is Arthur, sir. I don't
know what your usual is.
232
00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:52,625
Oh. Well, then...
233
00:13:53,042 --> 00:13:55,333
I'll have a little caviare,
I think, and, uh...
234
00:13:55,375 --> 00:13:57,625
And we'll follow that with
some oysters, I think.
235
00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:59,958
Some oysters? Yes, sir.
Half a dozen? A dozen?
236
00:14:00,042 --> 00:14:01,542
Er, nine.
237
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,042
Nine?
238
00:14:03,458 --> 00:14:04,917
A dozen is so pushy.
239
00:14:05,250 --> 00:14:06,250
Nine.
240
00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:07,875
- Each?
- No, no. No, erm, uh...
241
00:14:08,333 --> 00:14:10,958
I'll just have a... small
macaroni cheese, I think.
242
00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:13,250
- Macaroni?
- Ta. Grazi.
243
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:16,500
I come here a lot. The grooviest
people in the whole world...
244
00:14:16,583 --> 00:14:19,333
Showbusiness, writers, photographers...
245
00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:21,708
It's not easy to become a
member, let me tell you.
246
00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:23,708
Hello, baby!
247
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:25,707
Oh, hi.
248
00:14:25,708 --> 00:14:27,625
Saw the show. Loved it.
249
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,625
Lovedifl
250
00:14:30,917 --> 00:14:33,125
- know her?
- Know her?
251
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,500
- Ah, come here, come here.
- What? What? What?
252
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,083
What did he mean, "loved the show"?
253
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:40,417
What show?
254
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:44,667
Like a rattlesnake.
255
00:14:44,708 --> 00:14:48,333
- Shew!
- But, Teddy, Teddy, believe me...
256
00:14:48,375 --> 00:14:51,958
One of the nicest, most genuine
people in showbusiness.
257
00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:56,333
- Nat, about this McLaughlin's campaign...
- Hi, susie!
258
00:14:57,708 --> 00:15:00,958
Oh... hi! Excuse me, darling,
it's work.
259
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:07,625
Nat, darling, you're very,
very naughty.
260
00:15:07,708 --> 00:15:09,768
You never called me back about
that dog-food commercial.
261
00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,833
Ah, I'm sorry, honey, but you
know how it is.
262
00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:14,833
Nepotism in the office.
They decided to use a dog.
263
00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:16,833
- Mmm-hmm.
- Keep in touch, huh?
264
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,917
- Okay. Bye.
- Mmm-hmm.
265
00:15:21,042 --> 00:15:23,333
A moth to my flame, poor thing.
266
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:25,625
Ha! Power!
267
00:15:26,042 --> 00:15:27,208
Nat...
268
00:15:27,958 --> 00:15:29,208
Do you really...
269
00:15:29,792 --> 00:15:31,958
Aren't you married?
I mean, don't you feel guilty?
270
00:15:32,417 --> 00:15:33,458
Yes.
271
00:15:34,042 --> 00:15:37,250
But, y'see... I have this wonderful
understanding with my wife.
272
00:15:38,583 --> 00:15:39,583
She doesn't know.
273
00:15:40,708 --> 00:15:43,508
- Nat, look, about this porridge... —
- She's still in the states, see.
274
00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:45,542
I'm fixing up a house so
she can come over.
275
00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:47,708
But you know how long these
things can take.
276
00:15:47,958 --> 00:15:49,875
- If you play your cards right.
- Yeah.
277
00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:52,042
Er, nat, about the porridge.
278
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:55,708
Ah... sex is a strange and
wonderful thing.
279
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:57,708
Yeah... so's porridge.
280
00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,875
Look, nat...
281
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,250
Wait a minute.
282
00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:05,583
- Did you say "porridge"?
- What?
283
00:16:06,083 --> 00:16:07,833
- Sex and porridge.
- What?!
284
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,792
- Sex and porridge!
- What are you talking about, nat?
285
00:16:11,083 --> 00:16:12,250
Imagine...
286
00:16:12,375 --> 00:16:15,667
Selling porridge...
With a sex image!
287
00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:19,458
Oh, Teddy, this is new.
288
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:22,417
And this is our first plus -
and it's good.
289
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,417
Oh, is it good!
290
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:27,458
And all the time I thought you
were a little weirdo!
291
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,458
Hey, nat, do you really
think it'll work?
292
00:16:29,542 --> 00:16:31,333
Work? Listen, kid...
293
00:16:31,375 --> 00:16:33,792
This campaign has to be ready
in two weeks, yeah?
294
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,667
All right. You've gotjust
fourteen days, hear me?
295
00:16:36,875 --> 00:16:39,417
Fourteen days to do nothing...
296
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:41,417
Think nothing, but sex, yeah?
297
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:42,667
Sex.
298
00:16:43,083 --> 00:16:44,167
Sex.
299
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:45,375
Sex.
300
00:16:45,542 --> 00:16:46,542
Sex.
301
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:48,625
Sir?
302
00:16:48,958 --> 00:16:50,042
Make mine oysters.
303
00:16:55,042 --> 00:16:57,792
"Think dirty."
304
00:16:59,083 --> 00:17:01,417
"Think dirty."
305
00:17:07,542 --> 00:17:10,708
"Ah—ah."
306
00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:13,333
"Think dirty."
307
00:17:13,375 --> 00:17:15,333
"Dirty."
308
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:26,417
"Think dirty."
309
00:17:26,792 --> 00:17:30,042
"Think dirty."
310
00:18:48,958 --> 00:18:53,125
"Think dirty."
311
00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:55,125
- I'm home, Liz. — look!
312
00:18:55,417 --> 00:18:57,018
Hey, great, but I've got some work
to do first—-...
313
00:18:57,042 --> 00:18:58,309
- They're hidegarde's!
- What...?
314
00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:00,292
She left this morning.
315
00:19:00,583 --> 00:19:02,917
- We, we can post them on to her...?
- She left...
316
00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:06,250
Because your son, Richard,
took these from her.
317
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:08,917
- While she was wearing them?
- No!
318
00:19:08,958 --> 00:19:10,917
He was keeping them in
his stamp album!
319
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:12,500
Where?
320
00:19:12,625 --> 00:19:15,042
Between Morocco and Mozambique.
321
00:19:15,792 --> 00:19:17,167
Richard. Um...
322
00:19:18,708 --> 00:19:21,917
Mummy said that, er... you
got the idea from, er...
323
00:19:21,958 --> 00:19:22,792
Watching TV.
324
00:19:22,875 --> 00:19:26,208
Yeah. It was a play called, er...
"The fetish".
325
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:29,417
Er, do, do you know what
a fetish is, Richard?
326
00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:31,417
Greville says it's a kind of hobby.
327
00:19:31,583 --> 00:19:33,875
He... — y—yes, yes, yes, I
suppose it's a...
328
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,042
Kind of hobby.
I mean, look, you see...
329
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:39,042
Collecting knickers is an
unhealthy hobby, because...
330
00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:41,542
It's involved with sex.
331
00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:43,833
You know what sex is,
don't you, Richard?
332
00:19:44,042 --> 00:19:46,292
Oh, sure. What's “involved" mean?
333
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:48,292
Well, Richard, you see...
334
00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:50,292
Y'see, a woman's body...
335
00:19:50,708 --> 00:19:52,625
Sh-should be respected.
336
00:19:53,208 --> 00:19:54,958
We respect Clarke's sister's body.
337
00:19:55,125 --> 00:19:56,542
All the chaps in the club do.
338
00:19:56,625 --> 00:19:58,250
She can touch her ears
with her toes.
339
00:19:58,333 --> 00:19:59,667
She's double-jointed.
340
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,542
Y—yes, yes, yes...
341
00:20:01,583 --> 00:20:03,750
But, now, you see, that's
not the kind of...
342
00:20:03,792 --> 00:20:05,292
Respect I had in mind.
343
00:20:05,417 --> 00:20:07,917
No. Er, still, I don't want to
confuse you.
344
00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:09,917
That's enough for today, but, um...
345
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,957
If there's anything you're
still not clear on...
346
00:20:11,958 --> 00:20:13,625
I mean, please feel free to, uh...
347
00:20:13,708 --> 00:20:15,833
- I don't think so.
- Good.
348
00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:17,833
Oh, yes.
349
00:20:18,542 --> 00:20:19,542
What?
350
00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:20,958
What is a ponce?
351
00:20:22,875 --> 00:20:24,000
Ahh.
352
00:20:27,042 --> 00:20:29,242
I think I can hear your mother
calling, Richard, I...
353
00:20:29,292 --> 00:20:31,375
- She probably wants to get you at it.
- She what...?
354
00:20:31,792 --> 00:20:33,500
There's a whole crowd coming tonight.
355
00:20:36,042 --> 00:20:38,625
'Ere, you tryin' to slag
my bloody bird?
356
00:20:38,708 --> 00:20:40,042
Bird on TV: Get bloody knotted!
357
00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:43,042
But this is madness. I mean, all these
people - I mean...
358
00:20:43,083 --> 00:20:44,809
Talk about fetching a
sledgehammer to crack a nut.
359
00:20:44,833 --> 00:20:46,292
Yes, well, I've been proved right.
360
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:48,708
We've seen it in our own home,
with our own child.
361
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:50,500
Well, I, I, I talked to Richard.
362
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,518
I talked to him. There's nothing
wrong in what he did.
363
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:54,042
I did far worse things at his age.
364
00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:55,542
I was filthy!
365
00:20:55,625 --> 00:20:57,292
He's still being corrupted.
366
00:20:57,375 --> 00:21:00,124
It is our duty to help prevent that
corruption from proliferating.
367
00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:01,792
Look, Liz, I've got work to do.
368
00:21:01,833 --> 00:21:03,792
Do you realise I've been
put in sole charge of...
369
00:21:03,833 --> 00:21:05,667
Ooh!
370
00:21:21,792 --> 00:21:23,625
C'mon, then, darlin'.
371
00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:25,958
- Oh, stop it, ern.
- Why?
372
00:21:26,167 --> 00:21:28,375
- Well, not 'ere.
- Why not?
373
00:21:28,458 --> 00:21:30,708
- Well, people might see.
- People?
374
00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:32,809
The people!
375
00:21:36,458 --> 00:21:38,875
Leonard: I'd just like to get that boy
into my scout troop.
376
00:21:40,375 --> 00:21:42,750
Most of the gang have a bang Saturday.
377
00:21:42,875 --> 00:21:45,000
I mean, what else is there
to bloody do?
378
00:21:45,167 --> 00:21:47,000
It's not for stirring your tea with!
379
00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:51,042
Let's face it - we're all the same.
380
00:21:51,083 --> 00:21:53,042
We're all Randy bastards.
381
00:21:53,750 --> 00:21:54,917
Did you get that one, maud?
382
00:21:54,958 --> 00:21:57,292
- Yes, which column?
- "Bastard", dear.
383
00:21:57,500 --> 00:22:00,333
That's fifteen "bloodys" and
five "bastards".
384
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,042
I only counted four.
385
00:22:02,167 --> 00:22:04,327
There were five - don't you remember,
at the beginning?
386
00:22:04,375 --> 00:22:06,000
That was “bedstead...
387
00:22:06,333 --> 00:22:08,583
Oh. Thank you, daddy.
388
00:22:08,875 --> 00:22:11,083
I wondered what
a "brass bastard" was.
389
00:22:12,917 --> 00:22:15,083
Well, I suppose that's some
kind of symbolism.
390
00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:28,000
"Think dirty, ah-ah"...
391
00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:30,000
I think he loves me.
392
00:22:30,292 --> 00:22:32,792
Well, he fancies me, anyway.
393
00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:36,833
Still, I suppose we
will get married one day.
394
00:22:37,417 --> 00:22:39,217
Only we can't at the moment.
395
00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:41,250
We're saving up for the abortion.
396
00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:44,963
Stuff marriage for a lark.
397
00:22:45,458 --> 00:22:48,578
Everyone goes
on about love, the vicar and dad, an' that.
398
00:22:49,083 --> 00:22:51,243
I don't know anythin' about love.
399
00:22:51,458 --> 00:22:52,809
But I know what I like.
400
00:22:52,833 --> 00:22:55,250
He likes McLaughlin's porridge!
401
00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,958
Remember, McLaughlin's porridge...
402
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,958
And you, too, can be
a Randy bastard.
403
00:23:01,458 --> 00:23:06,250
Statistics show nine out often
Randy bastards prefer McLaughlin's.
404
00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:07,893
Colonel:
I think that speaks for itself.
405
00:23:07,958 --> 00:23:09,083
Very nasty.
406
00:23:09,167 --> 00:23:10,967
- The director's sight must... —
- Disgusting.
407
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,875
And I only hope the queen wasn't watching.
408
00:23:12,917 --> 00:23:15,958
Oh, I shouldn't think so, darling.
There's showjumping on the other channel.
409
00:23:16,083 --> 00:23:17,958
I didn't think it was very... healthy.
410
00:23:18,083 --> 00:23:19,667
- Did you, Teddy?
- No, no.
411
00:23:19,708 --> 00:23:21,042
Never is. Not on a rubbish dump.
412
00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:23,393
- I mean, it's cold enough to freeze...
- Erm, there's plenty of tea for anyone...
413
00:23:23,417 --> 00:23:25,917
- Who fancies it.
- Thank you, Liz.
414
00:23:26,458 --> 00:23:29,458
Now, mr brown, I don't think you've
really met everybody.
415
00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:31,750
- Er, Arthur and Hetty.
- Hullo, Arthur...
416
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,957
- Hetty.
- Leonard, his daughter, maud.
417
00:23:33,958 --> 00:23:34,833
Hello, Leonard and his daughter maud.
418
00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:36,708
Er, colonel belper.
419
00:23:36,958 --> 00:23:38,833
- Our, er, militant.
- How do you do.
420
00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:40,083
- Hello, militant.
- And, er...
421
00:23:40,125 --> 00:23:42,042
I hope you'll call me Geoff...
422
00:23:42,083 --> 00:23:43,083
Old chum.
423
00:23:43,250 --> 00:23:46,207
Hello, Geoff... old chum.
424
00:23:47,208 --> 00:23:49,875
Look, I think we've got to move
immediately on this one.
425
00:23:50,208 --> 00:23:52,208
Degrading and UN-English. Right?
426
00:23:52,375 --> 00:23:53,500
- Rather.
- Ah, super.
427
00:23:53,667 --> 00:23:56,707
Erm, I think that's the feeling of the
meeting. And I think we should also...
428
00:23:56,750 --> 00:24:01,917
Bear down on the
sex—before-marriage emphasis.
429
00:24:02,708 --> 00:24:03,917
Agreed, Liz?
430
00:24:04,292 --> 00:24:08,750
Oh, well, yes, I don't think that
should be... encouraged.
431
00:24:09,042 --> 00:24:12,833
Right. Then, "degrading and UN-English
sex before marriage" it is.
432
00:24:13,167 --> 00:24:14,833
- Will you call trufitt?
- Mmm-hmm.
433
00:24:24,833 --> 00:24:26,000
- May I? — oh.
434
00:24:26,125 --> 00:24:28,167
Be my guest.
435
00:24:30,417 --> 00:24:32,583
- Who are you calling, the Vatican?
- Our mp.
436
00:24:32,708 --> 00:24:34,583
Good chap. Right behind us.
437
00:24:34,625 --> 00:24:36,708
Our vice—president. Maud...
438
00:24:36,958 --> 00:24:40,833
- The usual letter to the BBC board of governors.
- Certainly, colonel.
439
00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:42,917
And the archbishop; And the times.
440
00:24:43,042 --> 00:24:44,917
That's your department, Arthur and Hetty.
441
00:24:45,708 --> 00:24:48,458
You see? It's a question
of organisation.
442
00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:52,458
Making the voice of decency
and normality heard.
443
00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:54,667
Mellish here.
444
00:24:54,875 --> 00:24:56,625
England clean, england strong.
445
00:24:56,750 --> 00:25:00,875
Yes. Now, look, it's about that effort
on the television tonight.
446
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,458
Yes, the moral fibre of our island race...
Yes, yes, I know the form, yes.
447
00:25:07,333 --> 00:25:10,625
Oh, don't worry. I shall come down heavily
on pre-marital intercourse.
448
00:25:11,750 --> 00:25:12,750
Oh, goodnight.
449
00:25:14,375 --> 00:25:15,375
Now...
450
00:25:15,875 --> 00:25:17,250
Where were we, elvira?
451
00:25:17,375 --> 00:25:20,417
My name's Janine, mr trufitt, sir.
452
00:25:21,292 --> 00:25:23,167
Well, don't let split hairs.
453
00:25:24,208 --> 00:25:25,417
He fancies you, you know?
454
00:25:25,833 --> 00:25:27,417
- Who?
- Geoff.
455
00:25:28,250 --> 00:25:30,083
That long, thin streak of holy water.
456
00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:32,083
Oh, Teddy, he's a priest.
457
00:25:32,292 --> 00:25:34,042
So was Rasputin.
458
00:25:34,083 --> 00:25:36,042
Just because he's masculine and...
459
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:38,625
The athletic type, and those nice,
white teeth.
460
00:25:39,583 --> 00:25:40,625
What did you say?
461
00:25:41,083 --> 00:25:44,000
Never mind. I'll, er...
Tick it off on maud's list.
462
00:25:44,208 --> 00:25:46,000
Tick 'em both off, they come in pairs.
463
00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:47,940
You didn't like any of them,
did you?
464
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,167
Well, they're not exactly the
"fun people“. I mean...
465
00:25:51,333 --> 00:25:53,768
- If you really want to know what I think, Liz...
- It doesn't matter what we think of them...
466
00:25:53,792 --> 00:25:57,083
Personally. It's what they're trying to
do that's important.
467
00:25:57,833 --> 00:25:58,875
Important?
468
00:26:00,375 --> 00:26:02,875
Are those the... sacred writings?
469
00:26:04,083 --> 00:26:07,625
It's the society's petition. I've promised
to get fifty signatures for it.
470
00:26:08,667 --> 00:26:12,708
"We, the undersigned, are increasingly disturbed
by the amount of programmes on television"...
471
00:26:12,875 --> 00:26:15,417
“Whose tendencies are
licentious, salacious"...
472
00:26:15,583 --> 00:26:18,167
"Blasphemous, lascivious and purient."
473
00:26:18,292 --> 00:26:19,667
Prurient.
474
00:26:21,542 --> 00:26:22,542
So it is.
475
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,750
"Prurient". What's it mean?
476
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:27,969
I dunno. You're the one that's
collecting fifty signatures against it.
477
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,625
- Do we even know fifty people?
- You don't have to.
478
00:26:36,750 --> 00:26:38,708
I'm going to canvas from door to door.
479
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,000
Ooh-hoo. Door to door.
480
00:26:42,458 --> 00:26:43,875
Liz, Liz.
481
00:26:49,042 --> 00:26:51,250
'Ow about a slice of the ol'
prurient then, eh, darlin'?
482
00:26:51,292 --> 00:26:53,643
Eh? 'Ow about it, now, darlin'? 'Ow
about a slice of the...
483
00:26:53,667 --> 00:26:55,625
- Teddy!
- Fancy a bit of the prurient?
484
00:26:55,875 --> 00:26:57,625
No, not... not—-...
485
00:26:57,667 --> 00:26:59,250
Not tonight.
486
00:27:02,542 --> 00:27:03,542
Tired?
487
00:27:03,875 --> 00:27:05,917
No, it's not that, it's-—-
488
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:08,832
if we're going to do this thing
properly, darling...
489
00:27:09,708 --> 00:27:11,625
I think... well...
490
00:27:11,875 --> 00:27:14,458
I think it's got to be reflected
from within ourselves...
491
00:27:15,208 --> 00:27:16,208
As well.
492
00:27:16,250 --> 00:27:18,000
- I mean...
- Look, love, it...
493
00:27:18,625 --> 00:27:20,542
It's pre-marital they're talking about.
494
00:27:21,042 --> 00:27:24,458
Pre—marital. I mean, post-marital
is all right. Fine. Lovely.
495
00:27:25,083 --> 00:27:26,458
Even the queen does that!
496
00:27:32,042 --> 00:27:35,292
"Think dirty."
497
00:27:39,917 --> 00:27:42,958
"Think dirty."
498
00:28:32,333 --> 00:28:33,333
Ooh!
499
00:28:38,167 --> 00:28:40,708
"Think dirty."
500
00:28:42,167 --> 00:28:45,417
"Think dirty."
501
00:28:52,458 --> 00:28:54,667
Voiceover: "In the
mountains of Macedonia"...
502
00:28:54,792 --> 00:28:57,708
“Where porridge is the staple diet
of the picturesque"...
503
00:28:57,792 --> 00:29:01,416
“Nomad tribes, it's not
unusual for virility"...
504
00:29:01,417 --> 00:29:03,958
"To continue to a ripe old age."
505
00:29:04,208 --> 00:29:05,958
"What Macedonia can do"...
506
00:29:06,125 --> 00:29:08,333
“McLaughlin's has done better."
507
00:29:08,875 --> 00:29:13,042
"Yes, Bonnie girls and Bonnie boys"...
508
00:29:13,125 --> 00:29:19,542
“Eat McLaughlin's frozen porridge."
509
00:29:23,708 --> 00:29:25,250
All right, frank, hit me.
510
00:29:27,375 --> 00:29:30,208
What I read in that - and correct me
if I'm off-beam...
511
00:29:30,375 --> 00:29:33,000
The general motivational concept
that I detected there...
512
00:29:33,083 --> 00:29:36,250
Deduced - intuited, perhaps - was...
513
00:29:36,333 --> 00:29:38,667
And don't hesitate to
shoot me down if I'm wrong...
514
00:29:40,083 --> 00:29:41,083
Sex?
515
00:29:41,958 --> 00:29:45,500
Teddy... Teddy, what can you do with a
guy like this, huh?
516
00:29:45,625 --> 00:29:47,375
I dunno. You work.
517
00:29:47,583 --> 00:29:50,000
You research. You conceptualise.
518
00:29:50,458 --> 00:29:52,000
And, pow! He walks in...
519
00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:54,458
And lands smack dab in the
middle of the target.
520
00:29:54,500 --> 00:29:56,958
Was it, was it really so
obvious, frank?
521
00:29:57,250 --> 00:30:00,917
- I mean, would the great mass of ordinary people...?
- No, no.
522
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:02,542
No, I don't think they would.
523
00:30:02,958 --> 00:30:04,833
| just happen to have this...
524
00:30:05,292 --> 00:30:06,708
So you like it, huh?
525
00:30:07,375 --> 00:30:09,042
Well, in principle.
526
00:30:09,500 --> 00:30:11,875
Sex as a function for rationalising the...
527
00:30:11,958 --> 00:30:14,042
Frozen porridge-buying
mechanism, yes.
528
00:30:14,458 --> 00:30:16,792
That has got a visionary quality.
529
00:30:16,958 --> 00:30:19,625
- Thank you.
- But, specifically, not enough yoomph.
530
00:30:19,917 --> 00:30:22,125
- Not enough...?
- Yoomph.
531
00:30:22,292 --> 00:30:23,750
- Y-double—o—m-p-h.
- Yes, yes.
532
00:30:23,917 --> 00:30:26,125
And I use the word in its
testicular sense.
533
00:30:27,042 --> 00:30:29,333
What we need is that - but more.
534
00:30:29,500 --> 00:30:31,333
You understand? An equivalent...
535
00:30:31,667 --> 00:30:32,917
But superior.
536
00:30:33,292 --> 00:30:35,292
Are you getting all this, Teddy?
It's invaluable.
537
00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:38,958
Yeah, look, mr Chandler, I think maybe
you've got the wrong guy for the job.
538
00:30:39,292 --> 00:30:40,958
Nat! You assured me.
539
00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:42,957
"Wrong guy for the job"!?
540
00:30:42,958 --> 00:30:47,292
He's kidding you, he's putting you-—-
541
00:30:47,417 --> 00:30:49,292
aren't they all the same, frank?
542
00:30:49,792 --> 00:30:52,292
I mean, these really
ballsy ones, huh?
543
00:30:52,458 --> 00:30:54,917
I mean, your true studs.
544
00:30:55,167 --> 00:30:59,625
The strange diffidence. I'm tellin' ya,
this kid reminds me so much of me...
545
00:30:59,708 --> 00:31:02,333
It's... and may I say it, frank...
546
00:31:04,250 --> 00:31:05,250
.“Of you.
547
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:07,792
And she just walked out on you?
548
00:31:08,583 --> 00:31:11,875
Mrs brown, I'm sorry, you'll have
to elaborate. I don't like mysteries.
549
00:31:12,167 --> 00:31:14,208
It's not a mystery, it was just...
550
00:31:14,250 --> 00:31:15,833
A misunderstanding.
551
00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:20,083
Mrs levin, I was recommended to you by the
mother of one of my son's school friends.
552
00:31:20,333 --> 00:31:21,333
Mrs rubens.
553
00:31:21,542 --> 00:31:23,542
Oh, mrs rubens!
554
00:31:23,667 --> 00:31:26,125
Such a nice woman. A lady.
555
00:31:26,208 --> 00:31:28,958
And her husband a dentist.
What a clever man.
556
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,458
I wouldn't put my teeth in
anybody else's hands.
557
00:31:31,792 --> 00:31:35,167
So... particulars, please.
558
00:31:35,333 --> 00:31:37,893
- Well, the sort of girl I'm looking fo...
- If you don't mind...
559
00:31:38,292 --> 00:31:40,417
Not about her - you.
560
00:31:41,208 --> 00:31:45,042
I have to be very careful the sort of
homes my au pair girls go into.
561
00:31:45,417 --> 00:31:47,583
What part, for instance,
are you living?
562
00:31:47,750 --> 00:31:48,958
Florian Avenue.
563
00:31:49,458 --> 00:31:50,458
I know it.
564
00:31:51,167 --> 00:31:54,250
Quite pleasant. Not marvellous,
but if you're happy...
565
00:31:54,625 --> 00:31:56,583
For myself, I prefer Loxley way.
566
00:31:57,250 --> 00:31:59,083
- Bedrooms?
- Of course.
567
00:31:59,458 --> 00:32:01,083
- How many?
- Four.
568
00:32:01,958 --> 00:32:03,375
Plus the girl's?
569
00:32:04,625 --> 00:32:05,917
Including the girl's.
570
00:32:06,667 --> 00:32:08,417
And her quarters are comfortable?
571
00:32:08,667 --> 00:32:11,875
Oh, well, it's not exactly "quarters".
A quarter.
572
00:32:13,583 --> 00:32:14,583
A bedroom.
573
00:32:15,208 --> 00:32:18,292
And, and we've only got one
child, Richard. He's eleven, but...
574
00:32:18,458 --> 00:32:20,250
- Really no trouble.
- Only one child?
575
00:32:20,292 --> 00:32:22,750
Tell me, more you don't want
or you can't manage?
576
00:32:23,542 --> 00:32:25,625
We manage very nicely.
577
00:32:25,875 --> 00:32:27,875
I have to ask - you must understand.
578
00:32:28,458 --> 00:32:31,958
I do only a very superior
type of girl from here.
579
00:32:32,292 --> 00:32:35,167
It's a responsibility, the right
homes for them.
580
00:32:35,917 --> 00:32:36,917
Mrs brown...
581
00:32:37,583 --> 00:32:41,333
If I was to tell you,
you wouldn't believe.
582
00:32:41,875 --> 00:32:46,708
If you knew the type of situation an
au pair girl can get herself into...
583
00:32:58,375 --> 00:33:00,833
Go away! Get away!
584
00:33:01,542 --> 00:33:02,833
No!
585
00:33:04,208 --> 00:33:06,083
Leave me alone!
586
00:33:06,167 --> 00:33:08,083
Leave me! Get away!
587
00:33:16,417 --> 00:33:20,708
"Think dirty."
588
00:33:27,208 --> 00:33:28,625
Not yet, Otto.
589
00:33:28,875 --> 00:33:31,292
I'll tell you when, my beauty.
590
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:36,208
Back. Back.
591
00:33:46,042 --> 00:33:47,500
To your quarters.
592
00:33:57,833 --> 00:34:00,708
He's a brutish animal, my dear...
593
00:34:00,917 --> 00:34:02,667
But loyal. Come.
594
00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:04,250
Come...
595
00:34:04,333 --> 00:34:07,292
You can make an old vampire
very happy, my dear.
596
00:34:07,375 --> 00:34:08,042
No!
597
00:34:08,083 --> 00:34:10,333
Ah! You find me repulsive,
do you?
598
00:34:11,125 --> 00:34:14,583
I've something here which'll soon
make you change your mind.
599
00:34:21,333 --> 00:34:24,667
One taste of this and you'll be
panting for me touch.
600
00:34:29,875 --> 00:34:34,167
McLaughlin's... the monster—sized
family breakfast.
601
00:34:34,208 --> 00:34:35,208
Mmmmm.
602
00:34:35,833 --> 00:34:37,583
Bloody good!
603
00:34:41,125 --> 00:34:43,375
Think that's all we need.
604
00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:46,292
Hang on!
605
00:34:46,333 --> 00:34:48,292
What do you think you're doing?
606
00:34:48,458 --> 00:34:50,083
I was just enjoying that.
607
00:34:51,375 --> 00:34:52,375
Enjoying?
608
00:34:52,542 --> 00:34:54,250
Don't be childish, Teddy!
609
00:34:54,333 --> 00:34:56,226
Wh-what you mean, "childish"?
He was just about—...
610
00:34:56,250 --> 00:34:58,250
It was just getting to the most
exciting part.
611
00:34:59,458 --> 00:35:01,184
Why can't the committee go and
watch it at your house?
612
00:35:01,208 --> 00:35:04,008
I haven't got a set. Wouldn't have one of
the damn things in the house.
613
00:35:04,208 --> 00:35:08,708
None of us has. Quite apart from the
moral dangers, we do feel that it, er...
614
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:10,583
Kills the art of conversation.
615
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:12,934
- Well, isn't that bloody marvellous, eh?
- Teddy!
616
00:35:12,958 --> 00:35:15,000
No, no. That's all right.
Do converse, by all means.
617
00:35:15,042 --> 00:35:16,750
I'll withdraw. Don't worry.
618
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,375
Excuse me, old chum.
619
00:35:21,500 --> 00:35:22,167
Oh...!
620
00:35:22,208 --> 00:35:25,333
Right, then. Maud - the usual letter
to the archbishop.
621
00:35:25,750 --> 00:35:27,708
And this time, one to the chief rabbi, too.
622
00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,292
Might as well conscript the yids.
623
00:35:29,333 --> 00:35:30,750
It shall be done, colonel.
624
00:35:30,833 --> 00:35:33,875
Arthur, Hetty - director general
of the BBC...
625
00:35:33,917 --> 00:35:36,042
Postmaster general, house of lords.
626
00:35:36,083 --> 00:35:38,042
- Mellish?
- I'm onto it, old chum.
627
00:35:38,375 --> 00:35:40,083
What's the emphasis, then?
628
00:35:40,625 --> 00:35:43,583
- Sadism?
- Outright sadistic ripping off of clothes...
629
00:35:43,708 --> 00:35:46,333
And exposing of flesh of a
tied-up girl...
630
00:35:46,958 --> 00:35:48,333
Struggling...
631
00:35:48,917 --> 00:35:50,333
Quivering...
632
00:35:51,167 --> 00:35:52,333
Helpless.
633
00:35:53,792 --> 00:35:54,583
Oh, hello.
634
00:35:54,792 --> 00:35:56,000
It's mellish here.
635
00:35:56,875 --> 00:35:58,000
Salacious what?
636
00:36:00,750 --> 00:36:03,208
Well, yes, yes - of course it's
serious, yes.
637
00:36:04,250 --> 00:36:05,333
No, no, no, don't worry.
638
00:36:05,917 --> 00:36:07,333
I know the drill.
639
00:36:09,333 --> 00:36:10,917
Oh, goodnight, goodnight.
640
00:36:14,083 --> 00:36:15,667
Sorry about that, elvira.
641
00:36:16,083 --> 00:36:18,292
But my name's Rosie, mr trufitt.
642
00:36:18,500 --> 00:36:20,292
Oh, shut up.
643
00:36:21,417 --> 00:36:23,375
- You behaved disgustingly tonight.
- Mmm-hmm.
644
00:36:23,750 --> 00:36:25,375
- It was quite unforgiveable.
- Good.
645
00:36:25,458 --> 00:36:27,667
Everybody was extrememly
embarrassed and upset.
646
00:36:27,750 --> 00:36:29,250
The evening hasn't been a dead loss.
647
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,000
If films like that get an x-certificate
at the cinema, how can they...
648
00:36:34,042 --> 00:36:36,351
Possibly be shown on television,
where there are children...
649
00:36:36,375 --> 00:36:37,792
For god's sake, Liz.
650
00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:40,958
They're just fairy tales.
That's all horror films are.
651
00:36:41,042 --> 00:36:42,167
Children love 'em.
652
00:36:42,417 --> 00:36:44,542
I mean, it's like trying to
censor goldilocks.
653
00:36:44,792 --> 00:36:45,792
Well...
654
00:36:46,625 --> 00:36:47,792
As it happens...
655
00:36:48,083 --> 00:36:49,643
Leonard and maud did publish a book.
656
00:36:50,042 --> 00:36:51,958
They called it "revised
children's stories".
657
00:36:52,250 --> 00:36:55,000
- Taking the doubtful elements out.
- Out of goldilocksl?
658
00:36:55,292 --> 00:36:56,917
I don't believe it!
659
00:36:58,583 --> 00:37:00,958
- I love it!
- It's all very well to sneer.
660
00:37:01,417 --> 00:37:03,458
But when you think about goldilocks...
661
00:37:06,417 --> 00:37:09,500
Bed business... small girl...
662
00:37:09,583 --> 00:37:11,708
- Small girl.
- Even the very word.
663
00:37:12,458 --> 00:37:13,708
- "Bear".
- "Bear"?
664
00:37:15,083 --> 00:37:17,750
Bed. Small girl. Animals.
665
00:37:18,583 --> 00:37:19,583
Small girl?
666
00:37:19,750 --> 00:37:20,750
Bed?
667
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:22,000
Goldilocks.
668
00:37:22,875 --> 00:37:23,917
Goldilocks!
669
00:37:23,958 --> 00:37:28,583
"Goldilocks..."
670
00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:34,167
"Goldilocks."
671
00:37:34,958 --> 00:37:38,792
That's it! That's it! That's it!
Ha, ha, ha! Goldilocks does it!
672
00:37:39,333 --> 00:37:41,458
Oh, she doesn't.
673
00:37:42,792 --> 00:37:46,417
Father bear:
Who's been eating my porridge?
674
00:37:48,292 --> 00:37:52,917
Mother bear:
Who's been sitting in my chair?
675
00:37:54,667 --> 00:37:59,000
Baby bear:
Who's been sleeping in my bed?
676
00:38:01,375 --> 00:38:04,917
Three bears: It's goldilocks!
677
00:38:04,958 --> 00:38:06,708
That's it, Bernard, thank you.
678
00:38:09,042 --> 00:38:09,750
Well, now...
679
00:38:10,042 --> 00:38:13,917
That's the synopsis literary department
did for us on the basic goldilocks plot.
680
00:38:15,917 --> 00:38:17,333
I think it's lovely.
681
00:38:18,458 --> 00:38:20,042
Um... sure.
682
00:38:20,500 --> 00:38:23,708
Uh, however, Teddy here has had
two psychiatrists and...
683
00:38:23,750 --> 00:38:26,500
Four sexual researchers do
a complete analysis on it.
684
00:38:26,667 --> 00:38:29,542
According to them, frank, the story's
fundamentally... filthy.
685
00:38:29,708 --> 00:38:30,792
Oh, no!
686
00:38:31,125 --> 00:38:33,518
- I never realised.
- Well, why do you think that fairytale's...
687
00:38:33,542 --> 00:38:35,958
Been around so long, frank?
Goldilocks is a hit.
688
00:38:36,208 --> 00:38:38,083
If you grub around in its
erotic undertones.
689
00:38:38,125 --> 00:38:39,792
I mean, those bears are as
kinky as hell.
690
00:38:39,917 --> 00:38:42,458
- Oh, they're not!
- How about this for over-reaction.
691
00:38:42,542 --> 00:38:43,708
Need any more convincing?
692
00:38:43,833 --> 00:38:46,125
- I think we're on course!
- You bet we are.
693
00:38:46,167 --> 00:38:48,958
And every word of my research
confirms it. Teddy typed it up.
694
00:38:49,042 --> 00:38:52,167
Make something of goldilocks, you're
onto a sexual gold mine.
695
00:38:52,708 --> 00:38:53,708
Brown.
696
00:38:54,500 --> 00:38:55,917
All systems go.
697
00:38:56,250 --> 00:38:58,292
Laughlin's porridge one, take eighteen.
698
00:38:59,750 --> 00:39:00,750
Action!
699
00:39:03,208 --> 00:39:05,625
Who's been eating my porridge?
700
00:39:07,875 --> 00:39:10,458
I 'ave, goldilocks, an' it's great!
701
00:39:11,500 --> 00:39:12,500
Director: Cut it!
702
00:39:13,542 --> 00:39:15,125
Well, what's the matter with that one?
703
00:39:15,375 --> 00:39:16,615
Fought it seemed quite natural.
704
00:39:16,667 --> 00:39:18,559
- Director: Kill the red light.
- — What?
705
00:39:18,583 --> 00:39:20,333
Get another two.
706
00:39:20,375 --> 00:39:21,375
Teddy: Get another two.
707
00:39:22,333 --> 00:39:24,708
Who's been eating my porridge?
708
00:39:24,875 --> 00:39:27,000
I have, goldilocks, and it's great.
709
00:39:27,625 --> 00:39:28,625
Director: Cut!
710
00:39:28,833 --> 00:39:30,753
What was wrong with that, sweet?
Was I too butch?
711
00:39:31,125 --> 00:39:33,333
- Two bells a moment, please.
- Teddy...
712
00:39:33,792 --> 00:39:35,792
Get another two.
713
00:39:48,667 --> 00:39:51,958
Who's been eating my... porridge?
714
00:39:54,500 --> 00:39:56,167
I have, goldilocks.
715
00:39:56,250 --> 00:40:01,667
And it's great. "Yes,
Bonnie girls and Bonnie boys"...
716
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:07,208
“Eat McLaughlin's frozen porridge."
717
00:40:14,292 --> 00:40:15,542
Well, mr McLaughlin?
718
00:40:21,375 --> 00:40:22,667
Uh, if I may...
719
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:28,375
Let the wee fella tell me.
720
00:40:29,375 --> 00:40:30,375
Sure. Well...
721
00:40:30,417 --> 00:40:32,208
You see, it's, ah...
722
00:40:33,042 --> 00:40:35,292
Make porridge sexy.
723
00:40:37,292 --> 00:40:38,292
That, that's all.
724
00:40:40,417 --> 00:40:41,417
That's all.
725
00:40:41,958 --> 00:40:42,958
"Sexy".
726
00:40:43,583 --> 00:40:44,792
Mah porridge!
727
00:40:45,208 --> 00:40:46,792
Aye.
728
00:40:47,125 --> 00:40:48,125
Sexy?!
729
00:40:51,542 --> 00:40:52,542
These?
730
00:40:52,917 --> 00:40:55,833
They're about as sexy as the
Loch Ness monster.
731
00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:00,667
Wee man...
732
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,250
I want a goldilocks who's real sexy.
733
00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:07,833
I want a lass that'll scorch the sporran
off a dead highlander.
734
00:41:11,542 --> 00:41:12,809
Well, we could run a competition.
735
00:41:12,833 --> 00:41:15,125
- Competition?
- A competiton, yes.
736
00:41:15,167 --> 00:41:18,832
- Yes, a nationwide competition!
- Ah, ha, ha! Entry fee...
737
00:41:18,833 --> 00:41:20,957
- One McLaughlin's box top.
- Twa.
738
00:41:20,958 --> 00:41:21,708
- Twa? — what?!
739
00:41:21,750 --> 00:41:23,583
- Two.
- I... oh, two.
740
00:41:23,833 --> 00:41:26,292
- Yes.
- Are you the McLaughlin's goldilocks girl?
741
00:41:26,333 --> 00:41:28,059
- We'll comb the whole of england.
- Ah, ha, ha, ha!
742
00:41:28,083 --> 00:41:29,708
- Yeah!
- What is he thinking?
743
00:41:29,750 --> 00:41:31,726
- United Kingdom.
- The United Kingdom. Let me tell you what...
744
00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:34,457
In america, in america, it has
to be oatmeal.
745
00:41:34,458 --> 00:41:36,458
It'll never sell if it's not oatmeal
in america.
746
00:41:36,958 --> 00:41:39,625
- Please remember that.
- It's very important-—- - you.
747
00:41:39,708 --> 00:41:41,148
The wee one. Here.
748
00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:43,208
- Ooh.
749
00:41:46,625 --> 00:41:49,208
And mind, she's to be a
Bobby dazzler.
750
00:41:49,792 --> 00:41:50,792
Tall.
751
00:41:51,250 --> 00:41:52,500
Long legs.
752
00:41:52,875 --> 00:41:55,208
Long, long legs.
753
00:41:55,417 --> 00:41:59,208
Great, drowning eyes, a shine
on her hair.
754
00:41:59,333 --> 00:42:01,292
And bosoms...
755
00:42:01,417 --> 00:42:06,000
Bosoms that our wee friend here
could get buried in.
756
00:42:11,875 --> 00:42:14,083
Inga giltenburg of Stockholm.
757
00:42:14,583 --> 00:42:16,083
From mrs levin.
758
00:42:16,667 --> 00:42:17,667
"Giltenburg"?
759
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,000
"Giltenburg"...
760
00:42:21,625 --> 00:42:24,625
Mount giltenburg.
761
00:42:27,542 --> 00:42:28,667
Brown...
762
00:42:29,125 --> 00:42:30,875
I said it would be madness...
763
00:42:30,958 --> 00:42:35,000
To try to mount the giltenburg
by the north route.
764
00:42:35,125 --> 00:42:39,458
Keep climbing, McLaughlin.
But whatever you do...
765
00:42:39,542 --> 00:42:41,667
Don't look down.
766
00:42:42,708 --> 00:42:44,792
I can't hang on, brown.
767
00:42:44,833 --> 00:42:47,375
I'm slipping. Help!
768
00:42:47,917 --> 00:42:53,208
Heeelpll
769
00:42:53,375 --> 00:42:58,208
Poor devil. Somehow, though, I think
he'd like to have gone that way.
770
00:42:58,625 --> 00:43:00,333
C'mon, man, climb!
771
00:43:00,458 --> 00:43:02,500
Climb!
772
00:43:08,250 --> 00:43:11,208
- Why did we do it, brown? Why?
- Why?
773
00:43:11,250 --> 00:43:11,917
Why?!
774
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,917
- Why?
- Aye, why?
775
00:43:13,958 --> 00:43:16,500
Because... it was there!
776
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:26,292
Come in.
777
00:43:26,833 --> 00:43:27,833
Come in.
778
00:43:31,042 --> 00:43:32,583
Liz: I hope she'll work out.
779
00:43:33,875 --> 00:43:35,292
Course she will.
Why shouldn't she?
780
00:43:35,375 --> 00:43:38,208
Well, she's not exactly... demure.
781
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:40,917
Hey, dad - seen the new au pair?
782
00:43:41,042 --> 00:43:42,958
She's fantastic! What a Dolly bird.
783
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:43,750
Richard, eat.
784
00:43:43,917 --> 00:43:46,167
- Just wait till the club hears about this!
- Eat!
785
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:52,167
- It's porridge.
- Yeah.
786
00:43:52,500 --> 00:43:53,750
It's just porridge.
787
00:43:54,958 --> 00:43:56,000
"Just porridge“...?
788
00:43:56,708 --> 00:44:01,125
"Where is she?"
789
00:44:01,208 --> 00:44:02,226
Yes, where is she?
790
00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:05,250
Where's the lucky girl who's going to
be McLaughlin's miss goldilocks?
791
00:44:05,500 --> 00:44:06,980
Miss goldilocks could be your wife...
792
00:44:07,083 --> 00:44:08,976
Your sister, your daughter,
your sweetheart...
793
00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,208
Or even the girl next door.
794
00:44:10,333 --> 00:44:12,833
As long as she's beautiful.
Simply send us a photograph...
795
00:44:12,875 --> 00:44:16,417
Along with two box tops from a packet
of McLaughlin's frozen porridge...
796
00:44:16,458 --> 00:44:19,375
And help her win fame, fortune,
the prizes of a lifetime.
797
00:44:19,625 --> 00:44:23,375
Remember, McLaughlin's is
searching for... miss goldilocks!
798
00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:26,333
Ta, love.
799
00:44:26,375 --> 00:44:27,809
Hey, look, you didn't mind me
coming up here...
800
00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:29,124
- To watch that...?
- No, not at all.
801
00:44:29,125 --> 00:44:30,875
Ta. Only I've got...
802
00:44:30,958 --> 00:44:33,583
Mellish's rat pack downstairs again
in my living room.
803
00:44:34,708 --> 00:44:35,792
Watching BBC two.
804
00:44:36,708 --> 00:44:38,083
Oh, god. They're still at it.
805
00:44:38,458 --> 00:44:40,250
Sex in Samoa.
806
00:44:40,458 --> 00:44:42,375
Well, maud, what's the score?
807
00:44:42,458 --> 00:44:44,375
Er, seventeen breasts.
808
00:44:44,500 --> 00:44:46,458
- Seventeen?
- Pairs, I mean.
809
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:48,917
- Eleven thighs.
- Yes, yes.
810
00:44:48,958 --> 00:44:51,625
Fourteen lower abdomens.
811
00:44:51,875 --> 00:44:55,292
Six miscellaneous, and I couldn't
keep track of the navels.
812
00:44:55,333 --> 00:44:58,708
- I think there were about thirty.
- Thirty-seven, to be exact.
813
00:44:58,875 --> 00:45:02,417
It-—- er, at a rough guess.
814
00:45:02,792 --> 00:45:04,167
- Mellish?
- Mmm.
815
00:45:04,208 --> 00:45:07,583
Before I telephone I think there's
something else we ought to discuss.
816
00:45:07,708 --> 00:45:10,542
Our two delegates for the
annual conference...
817
00:45:10,583 --> 00:45:11,167
This year. — oh!
818
00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:12,667
- Hear, hear!
- Jolly good idea.
819
00:45:20,792 --> 00:45:22,417
Would you like a Swedish chocolate?
820
00:45:22,708 --> 00:45:25,125
Uh... n-n-no, no, thanks.
821
00:45:27,125 --> 00:45:28,125
Delicioius.
822
00:45:34,167 --> 00:45:36,000
- You do not like that one?
- Oh, er...
823
00:45:36,125 --> 00:45:39,958
No, no! No, it's iov... lovely.
It, it, it's a very good likeness.
824
00:45:40,458 --> 00:45:41,458
I, I, I imagine.
825
00:45:41,792 --> 00:45:45,875
- Ha, ha, I imagine it's a good likeness, ha, ha!
- Is it because I am untired?
826
00:45:45,917 --> 00:45:48,125
Uh, er... "UN-attired".
827
00:45:48,375 --> 00:45:52,250
Hmm. Only, erm, we don't go in much
for that in england, you see.
828
00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:54,958
Over here, erm, nudity...
829
00:45:55,208 --> 00:45:56,958
Stands for, um...
830
00:45:57,333 --> 00:45:58,333
Sex.
831
00:45:58,708 --> 00:46:01,333
You mean here in england
you stand for sex?
832
00:46:01,542 --> 00:46:03,708
Yee... nnuh... well...
833
00:46:03,875 --> 00:46:08,083
Ah-haah... n-not always.
834
00:46:27,375 --> 00:46:31,375
The pleasures of disporting among the
Swedish flora and fauna...
835
00:46:31,542 --> 00:46:35,417
Have been extolled by
every great Scandinavian poet...
836
00:46:35,458 --> 00:46:39,292
Novelist, composer, and
furniture designer.
837
00:46:39,583 --> 00:46:41,292
Such household names as...
838
00:46:41,333 --> 00:46:46,583
Bjorn bjornemann, Gunnar nyhammer,
bengt Jensen and ole klink...
839
00:46:46,667 --> 00:46:52,958
And Karl rutscheggrige—gronedeljaegerenalospienbrockbandehorle
the younger.
840
00:46:53,792 --> 00:46:57,500
All have sung praises to our
verdant outdoors.
841
00:46:58,375 --> 00:46:59,768
In this Sweden...
842
00:46:59,792 --> 00:47:02,208
Untouched by war for centuries...
843
00:47:02,708 --> 00:47:06,042
We are rightly proud of our
social services...
844
00:47:06,083 --> 00:47:11,500
Our sexual freedom, our open sandwiches,
and our suicide rate...
845
00:47:11,750 --> 00:47:14,167
Which is the highest in the world.
846
00:47:30,458 --> 00:47:31,958
Ooooh!
847
00:48:38,625 --> 00:48:40,583
Mellish:
Well, that settles it, then.
848
00:48:42,125 --> 00:48:44,625
And very satisfactorily,
may I add.
849
00:48:44,667 --> 00:48:46,792
Are you sure there'll be no objections
from old chum?
850
00:48:47,042 --> 00:48:48,083
Oh, I don't see why.
851
00:48:48,250 --> 00:48:50,167
Harrogate? What do you
mean, harrogate?
852
00:48:50,250 --> 00:48:53,208
What does anybody mean?
A small Yorkshire inland resort.
853
00:48:53,333 --> 00:48:54,351
Famed for its mineral waters...
854
00:48:54,375 --> 00:48:55,726
- Two hundred miles from London.
- Don't be cute, Liz.
855
00:48:55,750 --> 00:48:56,833
Don't be cute.
856
00:48:56,917 --> 00:48:59,717
I'm not having you traipsing two hundred
miles on your own with that...
857
00:48:59,833 --> 00:49:02,167
- Sex-mad monk!
- Geoffrey is neither sex-mad...
858
00:49:02,250 --> 00:49:04,708
Nor a monk. It is only a
three-day conference.
859
00:49:04,750 --> 00:49:06,768
Richard'll be away sailing, and
inga can look after you...
860
00:49:06,792 --> 00:49:08,309
So why on earth shouldn't I go?!
861
00:49:08,333 --> 00:49:10,416
Because“.because“.
862
00:49:10,417 --> 00:49:12,434
I think you're getting in too deep
with that society.
863
00:49:12,458 --> 00:49:14,583
They're all raving mad if
you ask me.
864
00:49:14,625 --> 00:49:16,583
Ah, they're raving mad!
865
00:49:16,625 --> 00:49:18,041
- — Raving mad!
- I think Arthur and Hetty...
866
00:49:18,042 --> 00:49:20,476
Are about the most contented and
affectionate pair I've ever met...
867
00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:22,476
And if only more married couples
were like that—...
868
00:49:22,500 --> 00:49:24,167
They're brother and sister.
869
00:49:24,333 --> 00:49:26,167
She's miss soames.
870
00:49:26,250 --> 00:49:28,167
Look at your petition, go on.
871
00:49:28,625 --> 00:49:30,167
- Oh.
- Oh.
872
00:49:34,833 --> 00:49:36,250
Oh, Liz...
873
00:49:37,875 --> 00:49:39,042
Oh, look.
874
00:49:39,292 --> 00:49:40,792
Do you have to go, Liz?
875
00:49:41,292 --> 00:49:43,458
I mean, it's been weeks since we...
876
00:49:44,667 --> 00:49:45,917
Since you and I, er...
877
00:49:48,125 --> 00:49:51,375
Look, do you realise all we do when we go
to bed, is go to sleep?
878
00:49:52,625 --> 00:49:56,500
I, I don't want to sleep with my wife.
I want to sleeeep with her.
879
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:58,976
- Teddy, it's not because i-—-
- oh, I know, I know.
880
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:02,250
Sorry, love. I'm sorry.
It's not been easy for me, either.
881
00:50:02,667 --> 00:50:03,667
At the office.
882
00:50:04,375 --> 00:50:05,958
Having trouble with golidlocks.
883
00:50:07,042 --> 00:50:07,792
Goldilocks?
884
00:50:08,042 --> 00:50:08,708
Who's she?
885
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:11,458
Oh, it's some idea I got from that
nutty children's book...
886
00:50:11,500 --> 00:50:12,740
That Leonard and maud wrote.
887
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:15,059
- I mean, it's a sitting duck, I couldn't...
- You mean you—... oh!
888
00:50:15,083 --> 00:50:16,101
- Of all the...
- Of all the what?
889
00:50:16,125 --> 00:50:17,167
- Rotten things! — what?
890
00:50:17,208 --> 00:50:18,934
- Now what will Geoffrey think?
- I don't care.
891
00:50:18,958 --> 00:50:20,976
- And what will Leonard and maud think?
- I don't give a monkey's.
892
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,250
- I don't give a monkey's!
- Oh, eyeballs!
893
00:50:23,292 --> 00:50:25,559
- — Oh, nun's knickers!
- Oh, that's nice. That's personal.
894
00:50:25,583 --> 00:50:27,934
- And the greengrocer's delivering this afternoon.
- Yes, I know.
895
00:50:27,958 --> 00:50:30,268
- You've already told me.
- And don't let inga let the boiler go out.
896
00:50:30,292 --> 00:50:31,893
- I won't let inga let the boiler go out.
- And if anything...
897
00:50:31,917 --> 00:50:34,518
Comes up, you can get me at—...
What's the name of the hotel, Geoffrey?
898
00:50:34,542 --> 00:50:36,457
I've, er, booked us in at
the temperance.
899
00:50:36,458 --> 00:50:38,708
- The temperance.
- Yes, I heard.
900
00:50:39,042 --> 00:50:40,457
Without surprise.
901
00:50:40,458 --> 00:50:42,667
We'll be up that m1 in well under
two hours.
902
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,083
She cruises at eighty, and loves it!
903
00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:46,434
[Does she?
904
00:50:46,458 --> 00:50:49,708
- So not to worry, old chum.
- Thanks...
905
00:50:49,792 --> 00:50:51,250
Old chum.
906
00:50:51,292 --> 00:50:53,375
Just keep your grimy hands
on the wheel...
907
00:50:53,625 --> 00:50:54,625
Old chum.
908
00:50:54,750 --> 00:50:57,292
Bye, darling. There's some cold
chicken in the fridge.
909
00:50:59,250 --> 00:51:01,458
Yeah... I know just how it feels.
910
00:51:01,500 --> 00:51:02,542
Hmmph.
911
00:53:18,542 --> 00:53:19,958
Are you okay?
912
00:53:20,125 --> 00:53:24,208
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just, er... finding it
a bit difficult to concentrate on, er...
913
00:53:25,583 --> 00:53:26,250
Porridge.
914
00:53:26,500 --> 00:53:28,768
I thought you perhaps might like some.
915
00:53:28,792 --> 00:53:30,625
Er, very kind of you.
916
00:53:31,292 --> 00:53:33,000
- How many?
- Two.
917
00:53:33,333 --> 00:53:34,875
Er... no, I mean,
I don't—-— I mean...
918
00:53:34,917 --> 00:53:37,292
Hah! I d—-— I don't take any,
thank you very much.
919
00:53:38,042 --> 00:53:40,417
- Am I disturbing you?
- Huh?! Oh, no, no-err...!
920
00:53:40,458 --> 00:53:41,726
Oh, no, of course you're not...
921
00:53:41,750 --> 00:53:44,250
Disturbing me.
922
00:53:44,833 --> 00:53:46,417
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
923
00:54:32,208 --> 00:54:32,917
Inga?
924
00:54:32,958 --> 00:54:35,250
Erm... what are you doing tonight?
925
00:54:48,167 --> 00:54:50,041
- Very nice. — what?
926
00:54:50,042 --> 00:54:51,500
- It's very nice.
- Yeah.
927
00:54:51,542 --> 00:54:52,292
Great place.
928
00:54:52,375 --> 00:54:54,768
Very groovy people. You get a lot
of showbusiness people here.
929
00:54:54,792 --> 00:54:56,750
You know, writers,
photographers, actors.
930
00:54:58,750 --> 00:55:00,792
Saw the show, baby. Loved it!
931
00:55:00,875 --> 00:55:02,042
Loved it!
932
00:55:03,208 --> 00:55:04,208
Arthur?
933
00:55:05,750 --> 00:55:06,875
Er, we'll have our usual.
934
00:55:06,917 --> 00:55:08,792
- — What?
- My name is Mario, sir.
935
00:55:08,875 --> 00:55:10,333
Arthur is my brother.
936
00:55:10,375 --> 00:55:12,375
And I don't know what
your usual is.
937
00:55:12,750 --> 00:55:14,250
My usual's away in harrogate.
938
00:55:15,667 --> 00:55:17,542
Well, we'll have oysters.
939
00:55:18,292 --> 00:55:19,542
Two dozen.
940
00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:21,000
Each.
941
00:55:22,167 --> 00:55:22,875
Teddy“?
942
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:25,917
- Yeah?
- Are you sure mrs brown will not mind?
943
00:55:25,958 --> 00:55:27,917
Geoffrey...?
944
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:31,250
- Mmm?
- Could you go a bit slower?
945
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:34,375
I get... car-sick.
946
00:55:38,125 --> 00:55:39,917
Geoffrey...
947
00:55:40,375 --> 00:55:41,667
I want to go home.
948
00:55:41,833 --> 00:55:43,500
Home?
949
00:55:43,583 --> 00:55:45,875
- We're nearly there.
- I want to go home!
950
00:55:46,917 --> 00:55:49,167
Now, I just might... mmm...
Yes, all right.
951
00:55:53,708 --> 00:55:54,750
He-he-hey!
952
00:55:54,958 --> 00:55:55,958
Teddy!
953
00:55:57,167 --> 00:55:58,875
- Nat!
- Teddy!
954
00:55:59,083 --> 00:56:01,625
- Nat.
- Hey, teh-Dee!
955
00:56:02,542 --> 00:56:03,625
Ha, hah!
956
00:56:03,750 --> 00:56:05,707
- Hello, Teddy!
- Nat!
957
00:56:05,708 --> 00:56:07,292
Ahh, hah!
958
00:56:07,375 --> 00:56:09,375
- How ya doin', kid?
- Great. Lovely to see you.
959
00:56:09,417 --> 00:56:11,375
Now, look, erm, nat, do you
know inga?
960
00:56:11,833 --> 00:56:13,374
Inga - nat kaplan.
961
00:56:13,375 --> 00:56:15,434
- Nat kaplan, inga.
- Delighted to meet you, mr kaplan.
962
00:56:15,458 --> 00:56:18,458
Ah, course you are, honey.
Everybody is.
963
00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:21,583
Oh, uh... heel.
964
00:56:22,625 --> 00:56:25,625
- She is a... wonderful person.
- Yeah.
965
00:56:25,667 --> 00:56:27,542
I'm sure she is. Now,
well, look, nat...
966
00:56:28,083 --> 00:56:29,625
Great seeing you. Y'know...
967
00:56:29,667 --> 00:56:31,541
Great! But, er, inga and I...
968
00:56:31,542 --> 00:56:34,375
- We're just going.
- Sure you're just going.
969
00:56:34,417 --> 00:56:36,000
We're all going!
970
00:56:36,250 --> 00:56:37,250
Everywhere!
971
00:56:37,417 --> 00:56:39,292
Kaplan: The poco poco club.
972
00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:41,625
Kaplan: The afro dizziac.
973
00:56:41,708 --> 00:56:43,625
Kaplan: Lulu Lorraine's.
974
00:56:43,750 --> 00:56:44,458
Teddy: Where to now?
975
00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:47,208
Kaplan: One-fifteen florian Avenue.
976
00:56:47,250 --> 00:56:47,958
Teddy: Hey!
977
00:56:48,125 --> 00:56:50,708
- Teddy: I know that.
- Kaplan: You ought to, it's your house.
978
00:56:51,125 --> 00:56:52,125
Teddy: What?
979
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:07,750
Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?
980
00:57:08,583 --> 00:57:10,833
Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?
981
00:57:10,875 --> 00:57:13,059
I'm looking for a bottle—opener.
Have you seen a bottle-opener around?
982
00:57:13,083 --> 00:57:14,333
No, man.
983
00:57:17,083 --> 00:57:20,167
'Scuse me. Er, can I borrow
your beer?
984
00:57:24,917 --> 00:57:27,916
Say, kids, I have this dirty joke
I wanna tell...
985
00:57:27,917 --> 00:57:30,167
So, uh, which one of you is the fella?
986
00:57:32,250 --> 00:57:35,292
Honey, have you heard the one
about the rabbi and the priest...
987
00:57:35,333 --> 00:57:38,125
And the male nurse, who were
stranded on this tropical isle?
988
00:57:41,208 --> 00:57:42,750
Isn't it dangerous?
989
00:57:44,792 --> 00:57:46,250
Not when you know how.
990
00:57:48,292 --> 00:57:49,667
Say "when".
991
00:57:51,208 --> 00:57:52,208
When.
992
00:57:53,875 --> 00:57:55,250
Have you heard the one...
993
00:57:55,375 --> 00:57:58,167
About the rabbi and the priest
and the tropic isle...
994
00:57:58,500 --> 00:58:01,042
Who are all stranded on this
male nurse?
995
00:58:02,958 --> 00:58:05,917
Ice, anybody?
996
00:58:09,167 --> 00:58:12,625
Come here, shorty.
There's a priest and a rabbi...
997
00:58:12,708 --> 00:58:16,750
And a male nurse, and they're
trapped on this tropic island-—-
998
00:58:26,750 --> 00:58:27,917
C'mon, you dummy!
999
00:58:27,958 --> 00:58:30,250
There ya go! He-he-hey!
1000
00:58:42,667 --> 00:58:44,476
- Would you like a lift?
- No, thank you, vicar.
1001
00:58:44,500 --> 00:58:47,333
I'm in a hurry.
1002
00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:53,333
There you go, girl.
1003
00:59:50,083 --> 00:59:51,167
Say...
1004
00:59:52,958 --> 00:59:55,792
Have you ever heard the
one about the rabbi...
1005
00:59:56,250 --> 00:59:57,792
And the priest...
1006
00:59:58,208 --> 01:00:02,667
And the male nurse, who are
stranded on this tropic island.
1007
01:00:03,583 --> 01:00:04,583
Hmm?
1008
01:00:05,333 --> 01:00:06,333
Did you?
1009
01:00:39,458 --> 01:00:41,167
Oh...!
1010
01:00:42,875 --> 01:00:43,875
Damn!
1011
01:00:44,583 --> 01:00:45,583
Oh!
1012
01:00:47,000 --> 01:00:48,000
Oh!
1013
01:00:49,333 --> 01:00:50,542
Oh!
1014
01:01:02,083 --> 01:01:03,083
Teddy.
1015
01:01:04,250 --> 01:01:05,250
Teddy.
1016
01:01:20,792 --> 01:01:21,792
Oh!
1017
01:01:22,708 --> 01:01:25,083
Oh, what are you doing?
1018
01:01:25,250 --> 01:01:27,542
I can't breathe down here!
1019
01:01:27,583 --> 01:01:29,833
- I... erm...
- Agh, you... what are you doing?!
1020
01:01:30,833 --> 01:01:33,625
So? Perfect nobody is.
1021
01:01:33,708 --> 01:01:36,625
She was in bed with my husband!
1022
01:01:36,917 --> 01:01:39,792
Look, for thirty shillings a week
and all found...
1023
01:01:39,917 --> 01:01:42,000
You can't expect Mary poppins.
1024
01:01:42,917 --> 01:01:46,792
Someone should report her to the
authorities as an undesirable alien.
1025
01:01:46,958 --> 01:01:50,875
"Alien" maybe, but "undesirable"
it doesn't sound like.
1026
01:01:51,250 --> 01:01:54,000
My husband was too drunk to
know what was happening.
1027
01:01:55,250 --> 01:01:58,458
- He's not used to drinking.
- I don't like the sound of...
1028
01:01:58,500 --> 01:02:00,458
What he is used to.
1029
01:02:00,542 --> 01:02:05,083
Mrs levin. If I have decided to accept
my husband's explanation...
1030
01:02:05,167 --> 01:02:08,958
The one thing I do not need is
anyone undermining it.
1031
01:02:09,208 --> 01:02:10,958
He personally sent her packing.
1032
01:02:11,375 --> 01:02:13,958
So all I want from you is a replacement.
1033
01:02:14,667 --> 01:02:15,684
Oh?
1034
01:02:15,708 --> 01:02:17,333
Of course you do.
1035
01:02:17,542 --> 01:02:21,417
And what's more, a replacement that
won't turn out to be a repetition of...
1036
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:23,417
Oh, mrs brown.
1037
01:02:23,458 --> 01:02:26,792
I've got for you here a girl that's
like the answer to a prayer.
1038
01:02:26,917 --> 01:02:27,957
Whose prayer?
1039
01:02:27,958 --> 01:02:29,917
That you don't have to worry.
When I tell you...
1040
01:02:30,458 --> 01:02:34,917
That in her last situation she broke
the husband's arm in four places.
1041
01:02:35,583 --> 01:02:37,250
That sounds perfect.
1042
01:03:03,750 --> 01:03:06,000
Mum! They've landed!
1043
01:03:14,042 --> 01:03:15,083
Mrs brown?
1044
01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:17,333
Lotte Von gelbstein.
1045
01:03:18,208 --> 01:03:19,625
Oh. Hello.
1046
01:03:20,500 --> 01:03:21,500
Er, come in.
1047
01:03:21,708 --> 01:03:24,333
Er, you must forgive Richard.
He thinks you're from Mars.
1048
01:03:24,708 --> 01:03:25,917
No. Hamburg.
1049
01:03:27,208 --> 01:03:28,958
Oh, I see - is a joke.
1050
01:03:30,083 --> 01:03:31,125
Would you like some tea?
1051
01:03:31,375 --> 01:03:32,583
No, coffee, please.
1052
01:03:32,958 --> 01:03:34,917
- Do you mind instant?
- No. I like instant.
1053
01:03:36,250 --> 01:03:38,500
06:00 every morning, I rise.
1054
01:03:38,667 --> 01:03:40,833
And work will begin at 06:30.
1055
01:03:41,792 --> 01:03:43,000
I will not disturb you...
1056
01:03:43,333 --> 01:03:45,458
But will carry out my duties
until midday.
1057
01:03:45,500 --> 01:03:46,768
Hello, dependants...
1058
01:03:46,792 --> 01:03:48,032
- However...
- I'm home. I...
1059
01:03:49,667 --> 01:03:50,667
Good evening.
1060
01:03:52,625 --> 01:03:55,333
- Herr brown? Lotte Von gelbstein.
- Yes.
1061
01:03:55,792 --> 01:03:57,000
That's nice.
1062
01:03:57,500 --> 01:03:59,417
I am outlining my work system.
1063
01:04:00,667 --> 01:04:02,458
Er, lotte's our new au pair.
1064
01:04:02,708 --> 01:04:04,458
Oh... good.
1065
01:04:04,833 --> 01:04:06,167
- Please sit.
- Thank you.
1066
01:04:06,458 --> 01:04:09,833
- Dad, at school today...
- I am outlining my work system.
1067
01:04:10,833 --> 01:04:14,042
From midday every afternoon
I sleep for four hours.
1068
01:04:14,625 --> 01:04:16,292
That sleep I must have.
1069
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:18,208
It is a rule.
1070
01:04:18,375 --> 01:04:20,375
- Is understood?
- Sieg heil.
1071
01:04:21,083 --> 01:04:22,750
Then everything is tickety-boo.
1072
01:04:23,333 --> 01:04:24,750
Tickety-boo.
1073
01:04:25,583 --> 01:04:26,708
I will wash my hands.
1074
01:04:26,833 --> 01:04:29,125
Ah, yes, Richard, will
you show herr-—-
1075
01:04:29,500 --> 01:04:33,250
miss, um... the young... lady...
To the ablutions.
1076
01:04:33,375 --> 01:04:35,333
Yes, dad. It's this way.
1077
01:04:40,917 --> 01:04:43,583
So, er... that's what happened
to Martin bormann.
1078
01:04:44,458 --> 01:04:46,542
I wouldn't advise trying
anything with her.
1079
01:04:46,792 --> 01:04:50,667
Wi... wi... with...?
You... you must be joking!
1080
01:04:51,542 --> 01:04:53,458
Oh, look, Liz, look, look,
I explained.
1081
01:04:53,792 --> 01:04:55,667
I apologised. You
said you understood.
1082
01:04:55,708 --> 01:04:56,708
I did.
1083
01:04:59,458 --> 01:05:01,625
- Wh... wh... — what's that, then?
- What's what?
1084
01:05:01,833 --> 01:05:03,708
What... what's—-...
1085
01:05:05,167 --> 01:05:07,727
- You said it was forgiven and forgotten!
- Why are you shouting?
1086
01:05:07,958 --> 01:05:09,351
Because when you forgive
and forget...
1087
01:05:09,375 --> 01:05:11,875
You won't let anyone forget you've
forgiven and forgotten!
1088
01:05:13,958 --> 01:05:15,917
Oh, Liz, look, give it a rest.
1089
01:05:15,958 --> 01:05:18,125
Dad, where did inga go to?
1090
01:05:18,542 --> 01:05:19,917
Back to Stockholm.
1091
01:05:20,125 --> 01:05:21,917
I bought her ticket myself.
1092
01:05:22,708 --> 01:05:23,708
Satisfied?
1093
01:05:30,708 --> 01:05:32,208
What shall I wear this evening?
1094
01:05:32,458 --> 01:05:35,333
Competition host: Come in, number seven:
Miss romaine dupree.
1095
01:06:02,167 --> 01:06:05,167
Thank you, romaine.
1096
01:06:08,583 --> 01:06:11,083
Well, romaine - nearly miss tulip
last year, is that right?
1097
01:06:11,167 --> 01:06:13,143
- Yes.
- Ah. Tell me, what are your hobbies?
1098
01:06:13,167 --> 01:06:14,625
- — Hi, Teddy.
- Hello, nat.
1099
01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:16,958
And how is the lovely mrs brown?
1100
01:06:18,250 --> 01:06:19,458
Ae we still in the doghouse?
1101
01:06:20,708 --> 01:06:22,643
The, er, competition's going well, nat.
1102
01:06:22,667 --> 01:06:24,292
Oh, fine.
1103
01:06:24,583 --> 01:06:26,833
Great girls, all hand-picked...
1104
01:06:27,000 --> 01:06:29,167
With these very hands.
1105
01:06:29,292 --> 01:06:31,707
You help your mother in the home.
Well, that's really commendable...
1106
01:06:31,708 --> 01:06:33,792
Isn't it, folks?
Give her a big hand.
1107
01:06:35,833 --> 01:06:37,458
And tell me, what's
your ambition?
1108
01:06:37,625 --> 01:06:41,083
I'd like to be an all-round entertainer.
1109
01:06:41,167 --> 01:06:43,958
Well, good luck and thank you,
miss romaine dupree.
1110
01:06:46,708 --> 01:06:49,184
And you'll remember that one of the
girls appearing this evening...
1111
01:06:49,208 --> 01:06:51,208
Will become miss goldilocks.
1112
01:06:51,333 --> 01:06:55,375
Her prizes will include one year's supply
of McLaughlin's frozen porridge...
1113
01:06:55,458 --> 01:06:56,458
A mini-moke...
1114
01:06:56,500 --> 01:06:58,333
A kilt in the tartan of her choice...
1115
01:06:58,375 --> 01:06:59,958
A thousand pounds in cash...
1116
01:07:00,167 --> 01:07:02,375
And the dream holiday of
a lifetime for two...
1117
01:07:02,542 --> 01:07:05,958
At tossa del mar in rabjohn's
holiday huts.
1118
01:07:06,125 --> 01:07:08,375
My word. Who's gonna be
the lucky girl?
1119
01:07:08,583 --> 01:07:10,434
Will it be one of the lovelies
you've met already?
1120
01:07:10,458 --> 01:07:12,958
Or the next contestant, whose
photo was sent in...
1121
01:07:13,208 --> 01:07:15,250
By one of you frozen porridge
lovers of britain?
1122
01:07:15,583 --> 01:07:18,708
Come in, number eight:
An ex-au pair girl from London...
1123
01:07:18,833 --> 01:07:20,708
Miss inga giltenburg!
1124
01:09:24,583 --> 01:09:26,958
- Please let me in?
- Go away.
1125
01:09:27,000 --> 01:09:29,292
It, it's inconvenient.
1126
01:09:30,042 --> 01:09:31,458
Please let me in.
1127
01:09:32,917 --> 01:09:35,333
Well, can't you just open
the door for a second?
1128
01:09:36,417 --> 01:09:37,417
All right.
1129
01:09:38,458 --> 01:09:39,625
But only a few inches.
1130
01:09:42,375 --> 01:09:43,375
Nat.
1131
01:09:43,875 --> 01:09:46,083
Liz's thrown me out. I've got
nowhere to sleep.
1132
01:09:46,167 --> 01:09:47,458
Aw, that's tough.
1133
01:09:47,583 --> 01:09:51,167
But remember Teddy, there's millions of
homeless people in this world...
1134
01:09:51,208 --> 01:09:53,250
And my heart bleeds for them,
but right now...
1135
01:09:53,292 --> 01:09:55,083
I don't want any of them in here.
1136
01:09:55,125 --> 01:09:56,583
Who's at the door, nat?
1137
01:09:57,708 --> 01:09:59,458
Oh, it's you, Teddy!
1138
01:09:59,583 --> 01:10:01,458
All right, so come in.
1139
01:10:02,458 --> 01:10:04,292
So, er, what's the, er...?
1140
01:10:04,333 --> 01:10:06,125
- Oh, she's er... —
- I won! I won it!
1141
01:10:06,167 --> 01:10:09,083
I'm miss goldilocks, I won
the competition!
1142
01:10:09,208 --> 01:10:12,542
That, that, that's all I need, nat.
I mean, that puts the tin hat on it, now.
1143
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:15,500
Don't look at me, you're the one
who sent the picture in.
1144
01:10:15,542 --> 01:10:17,417
I didn't send any picture in, nat.
1145
01:10:17,458 --> 01:10:18,726
I wouldn't do a thing like that.
1146
01:10:18,750 --> 01:10:21,707
You did do send in her picture,
I saw it among the bunch...
1147
01:10:21,708 --> 01:10:23,748
And I figured you wanted to
give the kid a break.
1148
01:10:23,917 --> 01:10:27,083
And now... I'm giving her
another break.
1149
01:10:27,833 --> 01:10:30,083
Beats a year's supply of porridge,
huh, baby?
1150
01:10:32,875 --> 01:10:35,667
Right, you ought to be comfortable
enough here, Teddy, so...
1151
01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:38,667
Thanks, nat.
1152
01:10:39,125 --> 01:10:41,917
We'll be in there if you need anything.
1153
01:10:44,417 --> 01:10:47,958
Oh, Teddy, do me a favour?
Don't need anything.
1154
01:10:56,458 --> 01:10:59,083
Tell me more about
this goldilocks business.
1155
01:10:59,167 --> 01:11:01,375
It was so rotten.
1156
01:11:01,750 --> 01:11:03,875
Even when I'd told him
how shabby it was, he...
1157
01:11:05,333 --> 01:11:08,083
He's been busy with
this for weeks.
1158
01:11:11,792 --> 01:11:14,583
I have packed them all.
All his possessions.
1159
01:11:14,667 --> 01:11:17,292
We can throw them out in the morning.
1160
01:11:17,458 --> 01:11:20,125
- Oh, no.
- For what you need him?
1161
01:11:20,667 --> 01:11:22,208
We women must be strong!
1162
01:11:23,000 --> 01:11:24,708
I can do the man's work in the house.
1163
01:11:25,042 --> 01:11:26,875
Chop wood, drive the car.
1164
01:11:27,542 --> 01:11:30,208
For money, I can go back to
my old job.
1165
01:11:30,542 --> 01:11:32,375
- —Yourold...?
- In Hamburg...
1166
01:11:32,417 --> 01:11:34,542
I used to wrestle in mud.
1167
01:11:37,125 --> 01:11:39,333
Well, there's not much call for
that around here.
1168
01:11:39,625 --> 01:11:41,906
- No, honestly, I don't think...
- Together we can make...
1169
01:11:42,000 --> 01:11:43,250
A new life.
1170
01:11:56,833 --> 01:11:57,833
Mellish: Liz.
1171
01:11:59,875 --> 01:12:04,417
Liz, this work of his is the most diabolical...
I mean, I hadn't realised the enormity of it!
1172
01:12:04,917 --> 01:12:07,125
Well, it's something to do with porridge.
1173
01:12:07,167 --> 01:12:09,458
The sooner the society has
sight of this, the better.
1174
01:12:09,500 --> 01:12:11,476
Oh, no, wait a minute, they're
Teddy's - they're private.
1175
01:12:11,500 --> 01:12:13,458
- We can't just-—-
- the moment comes...
1176
01:12:13,750 --> 01:12:15,917
The moment comes for all of us
when we have to...
1177
01:12:16,167 --> 01:12:17,292
Choose our...
1178
01:12:17,958 --> 01:12:19,292
Our priorities.
1179
01:12:19,833 --> 01:12:21,917
Er, can't we just ask him first?
1180
01:12:22,708 --> 01:12:23,667
Please?
1181
01:12:23,708 --> 01:12:25,500
I mean, just put it to him.
1182
01:12:34,875 --> 01:12:35,875
There's no answer.
1183
01:12:37,667 --> 01:12:39,227
Well, he said he was going to be there.
1184
01:12:41,250 --> 01:12:43,250
Hello? Who?
1185
01:12:44,542 --> 01:12:45,875
Yes, but he's asleep.
1186
01:12:46,667 --> 01:12:47,875
This is inga.
1187
01:12:48,083 --> 01:12:49,875
Inga giltenburg.
1188
01:12:50,250 --> 01:12:51,875
Hello? Hello?
1189
01:12:54,375 --> 01:12:56,125
I was once stuck in a lift.
1190
01:12:56,333 --> 01:12:59,083
- Daddy, you never told me.
- What a well-appointed situation.
1191
01:12:59,167 --> 01:13:00,625
Expensive but tasteful.
1192
01:13:00,958 --> 01:13:02,250
You made the right choice, Liz.
1193
01:13:02,833 --> 01:13:03,833
I'm proud of you.
1194
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:26,750
We have an appointment with
Wallace trufitt, mp.
1195
01:13:27,333 --> 01:13:28,708
Who shall I say, sir?
1196
01:13:28,917 --> 01:13:32,292
Belper - england clean,
england strong crusade.
1197
01:13:32,500 --> 01:13:33,708
Ahhh!
1198
01:13:34,958 --> 01:13:36,875
The time has come, trufitt, for action.
1199
01:13:37,042 --> 01:13:40,000
As our mp, I want you to ask a
question in the house.
1200
01:13:40,125 --> 01:13:41,167
Certainly.
1201
01:13:42,500 --> 01:13:43,875
About anything in particular?
1202
01:13:44,042 --> 01:13:45,708
This has come into our possession.
1203
01:13:46,375 --> 01:13:48,000
It belonged to mrs brown's husband.
1204
01:13:48,750 --> 01:13:52,292
It is a document which describes the
practice of sexual titillation...
1205
01:13:52,333 --> 01:13:53,333
In advertising.
1206
01:13:53,625 --> 01:13:56,583
It's all here; Facts, figures—...
1207
01:13:56,875 --> 01:13:58,750
- Photos...?
- No photos.
1208
01:13:59,667 --> 01:14:01,333
It's a complete analysis of the...
1209
01:14:01,375 --> 01:14:05,833
Subliminal sexual techniques
used to sell McLaughlin's frozen porridge.
1210
01:14:06,208 --> 01:14:09,708
- May I use the little girls' room?
- Please do. It's through that door.
1211
01:14:09,750 --> 01:14:11,708
And to the left.
1212
01:14:12,167 --> 01:14:13,208
Not that one!
1213
01:14:17,750 --> 01:14:19,292
Oh... more evidence...
1214
01:14:19,333 --> 01:14:21,917
- Much more evidence.
- Let me help you.
1215
01:14:22,042 --> 01:14:25,375
Yes, well...
I expect you're all wondering...
1216
01:14:25,625 --> 01:14:29,667
How such disgusting things as these could
possibly have come into my possession.
1217
01:14:30,083 --> 01:14:31,917
Well, er, as a matter of fact, I, er...
1218
01:14:34,958 --> 01:14:36,375
Now, where were we?
1219
01:14:36,458 --> 01:14:38,375
We were talking about cleaning
up advertising.
1220
01:14:38,417 --> 01:14:39,750
We want an inquiry.
1221
01:14:39,792 --> 01:14:41,708
We want these advertisements banned...
1222
01:14:41,750 --> 01:14:43,541
That porridge thrown off
the market!
1223
01:14:43,542 --> 01:14:45,500
There's such a funny mirror in
the bathroom.
1224
01:14:45,542 --> 01:14:46,375
You can see right through it...
1225
01:14:46,417 --> 01:14:48,375
- Into the bedroom!
- Yes, yes, you can.
1226
01:14:49,917 --> 01:14:51,667
This used to be a nursing home,
you know?
1227
01:14:52,750 --> 01:14:56,542
Well, now, if that dossier contains the
information that you say it does...
1228
01:14:56,625 --> 01:14:58,042
Well, it is dynamite.
1229
01:14:58,333 --> 01:15:00,250
In fact, it is better than dynamite.
1230
01:15:01,125 --> 01:15:02,125
It's news!
1231
01:15:08,375 --> 01:15:12,750
Front page of every newspaper in the
country. Complete national coverage.
1232
01:15:16,917 --> 01:15:18,500
Mr McLaughlin...
1233
01:15:19,292 --> 01:15:21,125
I feel I owe you an apology.
1234
01:15:21,542 --> 01:15:22,542
For what?
1235
01:15:26,542 --> 01:15:29,042
Our wee miracle-worker.
1236
01:15:30,750 --> 01:15:32,250
Ah, come on, Teddy.
1237
01:15:32,375 --> 01:15:33,958
Getting the product unpaid publicity...
1238
01:15:34,042 --> 01:15:36,976
On the front page of every newspaper
in the country would've been enough.
1239
01:15:37,000 --> 01:15:41,167
- But this, kid - they wanna have it banned!
- That's an advertising first!
1240
01:15:41,208 --> 01:15:41,750
Kaplan: Beautiful.
1241
01:15:42,000 --> 01:15:44,583
Beauty - the only word for it.
1242
01:15:44,625 --> 01:15:47,250
Don't you know what happens to a
book they wanna have banned?
1243
01:15:47,333 --> 01:15:49,417
A film?
It's blockbuster time, baby!
1244
01:15:49,458 --> 01:15:52,833
- The sales go up like rockets!
- By this time next week...
1245
01:15:52,875 --> 01:15:56,208
Quaker oats will be turning that
factory into a bowling alley.
1246
01:15:56,250 --> 01:15:58,333
The pupil has become the master.
1247
01:15:58,458 --> 01:16:01,625
It wasn't me - it was the england clean,
england strong society.
1248
01:16:01,750 --> 01:16:03,708
Teddy... you didn't know?
1249
01:16:03,792 --> 01:16:05,125
Didn't know... what?
1250
01:16:05,250 --> 01:16:07,208
Where that society gets its funds?
1251
01:16:07,250 --> 01:16:09,458
It's endowed by the
McLaughlin foundation.
1252
01:16:09,625 --> 01:16:14,208
Mah foundation contributes to every
socially uplifting organisation.
1253
01:16:20,708 --> 01:16:22,958
Hello? Oh, yes, he is. Frank.
1254
01:16:23,333 --> 01:16:25,458
BBC. — BBC!
1255
01:16:26,917 --> 01:16:29,143
- They're potty.
- “Hello, mr Chandler?"
1256
01:16:29,167 --> 01:16:30,167
"My name's tolworth."
1257
01:16:30,208 --> 01:16:34,083
I'm sort of, erm, producer on the
"confrontation" programme.
1258
01:16:34,250 --> 01:16:36,708
Ah, you don't know me
but I expect you've heard of...
1259
01:16:36,750 --> 01:16:39,667
- Joanna snow.
- Yes, of course I know Joanna snow.
1260
01:16:39,833 --> 01:16:41,125
It's a bleedin' nuthouse.
1261
01:16:41,375 --> 01:16:44,055
Well, Joanna would love you to appear on
her programme this evening.
1262
01:16:44,208 --> 01:16:45,958
- Tonight?
- “Mmm, yes."
1263
01:16:46,000 --> 01:16:47,559
"I think what she had in
mind, really, was“...
1264
01:16:47,583 --> 01:16:50,208
Your group in sort of open
confrontation, really, with a...
1265
01:16:50,333 --> 01:16:52,917
Group from the england clean,
england strong society.
1266
01:16:53,125 --> 01:16:54,917
We'll be there. Can't wait!
1267
01:16:55,917 --> 01:16:57,792
The delegation will consist of you...
1268
01:16:57,833 --> 01:17:02,167
You, myself and, of course, the
first begetter of it all...
1269
01:17:04,875 --> 01:17:08,500
Mad! Mad! The whole lot of you!
You ought to be in an asylum!
1270
01:17:50,125 --> 01:17:50,958
Where is she?
1271
01:17:51,042 --> 01:17:53,292
- Where's Liz?
- Go away. You are not wanted here.
1272
01:17:53,458 --> 01:17:55,750
We haff vays of making you talk!
1273
01:17:55,792 --> 01:17:57,583
- Where is she?
- Sh-she left.
1274
01:17:57,667 --> 01:17:59,250
- For the underground.
- Which one?
1275
01:17:59,292 --> 01:18:01,333
I have friends in ze underground.
1276
01:18:01,417 --> 01:18:03,000
Which one?
1277
01:18:08,667 --> 01:18:09,708
Liz!
1278
01:18:10,833 --> 01:18:11,833
Liz!!!
1279
01:18:12,625 --> 01:18:14,976
- I've gotta talk to you, love.
- I'm going to my solicitor.
1280
01:18:15,000 --> 01:18:16,000
Solicitor?
1281
01:18:16,167 --> 01:18:18,292
- To see about a divorce.
- — oh, Liz.
1282
01:18:18,500 --> 01:18:20,750
- I've taken advice.
- Who from? That sour kraut?
1283
01:18:20,833 --> 01:18:22,750
- Miss "tomorrow the world"?
- Geoffrey.
1284
01:18:23,000 --> 01:18:24,208
Oh, Geoffrey.
1285
01:18:24,625 --> 01:18:28,125
Geoffrey says there comes a moment
in everyone's life, when...
1286
01:18:28,167 --> 01:18:29,625
- There certainly does!
- Ooow!
1287
01:18:29,667 --> 01:18:30,875
Come on, Liz.
1288
01:18:30,917 --> 01:18:32,292
Just come on.
1289
01:18:32,750 --> 01:18:36,208
Get in there!
Don't argue with me.
1290
01:18:36,375 --> 01:18:38,375
Don't argue!
1291
01:18:39,542 --> 01:18:41,934
It won't do any good. I've made up my mind.
1292
01:18:41,958 --> 01:18:43,718
You have?! You mean, that
lousy Geoffrey has.
1293
01:18:43,792 --> 01:18:45,708
I'll fix that bloody vicar!
1294
01:18:48,167 --> 01:18:50,417
- You were the one that started it all!
- It wasn't...
1295
01:18:50,500 --> 01:18:53,292
Me, it was you with all that
hoo-hah with Richard's knickers.
1296
01:18:53,375 --> 01:18:55,101
Liz: This goes deeper
than Richard's knickers.
1297
01:18:55,125 --> 01:18:57,500
It's you - you're sex-mad!
1298
01:18:57,750 --> 01:19:00,083
Me?! I haven't had sex
for months!
1299
01:19:00,667 --> 01:19:02,375
What do you think they're advertising?
1300
01:19:02,458 --> 01:19:06,167
Dunno. Must be new stuff they're
putting in the toothpaste.
1301
01:19:13,333 --> 01:19:14,125
Greetings.
1302
01:19:14,333 --> 01:19:16,708
And, tonight, confrontation
will be discussing...
1303
01:19:16,917 --> 01:19:19,458
Racial discrimination among
unmarried mothers.
1304
01:19:22,250 --> 01:19:25,417
Thursday's outbreak of violence at
the national bowls championship.
1305
01:19:28,167 --> 01:19:30,125
But first, today's headlines.
1306
01:19:30,208 --> 01:19:33,417
The dispute on sex in
television commercials...
1307
01:19:33,750 --> 01:19:38,458
And the remarkable charges brought by
the england clean, england strong society.
1308
01:19:38,500 --> 01:19:40,458
Stand by, two.
1309
01:19:40,667 --> 01:19:42,458
And now, to open the batting...
1310
01:19:42,625 --> 01:19:44,458
- Reverend mellish.
- On you, two.
1311
01:19:44,625 --> 01:19:47,083
Look, let's not make a big thing of this.
1312
01:19:47,167 --> 01:19:49,542
All we're suggesting - all we're hinting...
1313
01:19:49,625 --> 01:19:55,000
Is that there's already too much filthy,
sex—obsessed sewage muck on TV.
1314
01:19:55,500 --> 01:19:58,667
And why should it be thrust at us
in the commercials as well?
1315
01:19:58,750 --> 01:20:00,667
Oh, come, now - that's
simply discrimination.
1316
01:20:00,750 --> 01:20:04,042
Balderdash! It's time that sex was
put back where it belongs...
1317
01:20:04,083 --> 01:20:07,500
In the bedrooms of prostitutes
and decently married couples.
1318
01:20:07,625 --> 01:20:09,945
Teddy, still on loudspeaker:
All I want is my normal quota!
1319
01:20:10,250 --> 01:20:13,208
Teddy: I mean, is that too much to ask,
just my normal quota of sex?
1320
01:20:13,417 --> 01:20:15,208
Teddy:
I mean, that's all any man wants.
1321
01:20:15,458 --> 01:20:17,542
Teddy: Just a normal sex life.
1322
01:20:17,708 --> 01:20:19,458
Speak for yourself, darlin'.
1323
01:20:19,542 --> 01:20:21,583
Well, would you think it right
to represent...
1324
01:20:21,667 --> 01:20:24,125
Actual intercourse in a commercial?
1325
01:20:24,250 --> 01:20:25,250
Yes, would you?
1326
01:20:25,292 --> 01:20:28,458
I think there should be no copulation
without representation.
1327
01:20:28,500 --> 01:20:29,875
I go along with that.
1328
01:20:30,167 --> 01:20:32,083
Teddy on speaker:
It's not me, it's your lot.
1329
01:20:32,167 --> 01:20:34,000
Teddy:
You're pre-occupied with sex!
1330
01:20:34,042 --> 01:20:36,167
Teddy:
Every night, sitting around the telly...
1331
01:20:36,208 --> 01:20:37,875
Teddy:
Totting up the tits and burns.
1332
01:20:37,958 --> 01:20:40,375
I am entirely against censorship.
1333
01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,375
I uphold the right of the artist...
1334
01:20:42,417 --> 01:20:45,208
To express freely whatever he
wants to, providing...
1335
01:20:45,750 --> 01:20:49,583
He does not put it in a television
show or a film or a play, or anywhere...
1336
01:20:49,625 --> 01:20:51,583
Where the public can see it.
1337
01:20:51,667 --> 01:20:53,143
Liz on speaker:
And as for that au pair girl...
1338
01:20:53,167 --> 01:20:56,667
Don't think I don't know what went
on with you and her in that flat.
1339
01:20:56,750 --> 01:20:58,667
Liz: Call that a normal quota?
1340
01:21:02,542 --> 01:21:04,375
Follow that toothpaste tube!
1341
01:21:04,417 --> 01:21:06,042
Right in one's living room...
1342
01:21:06,208 --> 01:21:09,958
Men and women in bed,
shoulders being stroked...
1343
01:21:10,083 --> 01:21:12,625
Noses burrowing into
each other's necks...
1344
01:21:12,708 --> 01:21:16,667
Sometimes you can't work out where the
man ends and the woman begins!
1345
01:21:16,708 --> 01:21:18,667
It's not exactly incandescent, is it?
1346
01:21:18,708 --> 01:21:20,125
Do you find it incandescent?
1347
01:21:28,583 --> 01:21:29,708
Aahh!
1348
01:21:32,042 --> 01:21:35,250
Sorry sir. No admittance to studio unless
you're taking part in a production.
1349
01:21:35,625 --> 01:21:37,917
Uh... well, I am taking part
in the production.
1350
01:21:38,208 --> 01:21:39,375
What as?
1351
01:21:43,083 --> 01:21:46,083
None of us wants to inhibit
freedom of expression.
1352
01:21:46,167 --> 01:21:48,042
It's just a question of priorities.
1353
01:21:48,125 --> 01:21:50,792
Oh! Oh, leave me alone, you-—-
take the Van!
1354
01:21:52,417 --> 01:21:53,417
Here...?
1355
01:21:53,542 --> 01:21:54,542
You a bishop?
1356
01:21:54,583 --> 01:21:56,943
Well, who do you think I am with
this, then? Bloody Bo peep?
1357
01:21:57,125 --> 01:21:59,208
- 'Ere - hold on!
- Course I'm a bishop, you twit!
1358
01:21:59,542 --> 01:22:00,583
Ooaaarh!
1359
01:22:02,042 --> 01:22:03,208
Bless you, my son.
1360
01:22:03,750 --> 01:22:05,708
And what is the most important
thing today?
1361
01:22:06,208 --> 01:22:08,167
Well, to my mind, it's the home.
1362
01:22:08,250 --> 01:22:11,750
The sacred and inviolable institution
of marriage.
1363
01:22:12,042 --> 01:22:15,583
You lying bastard!
1364
01:22:17,750 --> 01:22:19,958
You two-face berk!
1365
01:22:20,500 --> 01:22:23,167
All you wanna do is get your
sweaty hands on my wife!
1366
01:22:23,208 --> 01:22:25,528
You don't give a monkey's about
breaking up people's homes.
1367
01:22:25,625 --> 01:22:28,458
With my rod and staff I shall
comfort you, mate!
1368
01:22:28,708 --> 01:22:29,833
Oww!
1369
01:22:34,917 --> 01:22:37,917
This seems a little lively.
Stay on the bishop, four.
1370
01:22:38,000 --> 01:22:40,542
You git!
1371
01:22:41,083 --> 01:22:42,542
Anyone know which bishop it is?
1372
01:22:43,042 --> 01:22:45,958
Er, can we super an attachment
showing his... diocese?
1373
01:22:46,083 --> 01:22:47,958
Kill him, Geoff”
1374
01:22:53,625 --> 01:22:54,417
Oh, nice.
1375
01:22:54,458 --> 01:22:55,875
Oh, you stinker!
1376
01:23:00,625 --> 01:23:02,375
You bitch! You bitch!
1377
01:23:02,625 --> 01:23:04,375
Silly old clot!
1378
01:23:05,208 --> 01:23:07,917
Nat! For god's sake, do something.
1379
01:23:08,000 --> 01:23:09,750
- For heaven's sake, look...
- Get offll
1380
01:23:09,833 --> 01:23:10,833
aaagh...
1381
01:23:11,917 --> 01:23:14,666
And turning to you, mr kaplan, what
are your views on violence?
1382
01:23:14,667 --> 01:23:17,375
Listen, I'm an American.
I don't belong in this war.
1383
01:23:20,833 --> 01:23:22,792
Change lens, three.
1384
01:23:22,833 --> 01:23:24,083
Mellish!
1385
01:23:25,250 --> 01:23:28,458
Do you know, this is beginning to take
on the quality of real television debate.
1386
01:23:29,208 --> 01:23:30,928
I'm coming for you, mellish!
1387
01:23:31,125 --> 01:23:32,792
I'll have you!
1388
01:23:32,833 --> 01:23:34,792
You slimy ba—-...
1389
01:23:35,458 --> 01:23:36,792
All right, vicar?
1390
01:23:36,917 --> 01:23:39,749
- Look, don't-—- look, please...!
- Now turn the other cheek, mate.
1391
01:23:39,750 --> 01:23:40,792
Agh! Ooh!
1392
01:23:45,083 --> 01:23:46,083
Teddy!
1393
01:23:49,875 --> 01:23:51,667
- Teddy!
- Er, pardon me.
1394
01:23:51,708 --> 01:23:53,667
- I'm looking for my husband.
1395
01:23:53,833 --> 01:23:57,083
- Do you know nat kaplan?
- Why, most certainly.
1396
01:23:57,833 --> 01:23:58,875
Teddy!
1397
01:24:12,375 --> 01:24:13,250
Hello...
1398
01:24:13,375 --> 01:24:14,375
Nat.
1399
01:24:18,167 --> 01:24:20,375
What is this?
1400
01:24:20,458 --> 01:24:24,208
McLaughlin: Come back down here,
ye Bobby dazzler, and I'll whisper.
1401
01:24:27,083 --> 01:24:29,333
Teddy, you'll kill yourself!
1402
01:24:31,708 --> 01:24:35,000
Teddy!
1403
01:24:42,333 --> 01:24:43,917
- Elvira?
- Wallace.
1404
01:24:43,958 --> 01:24:45,917
Jack, as a matter of fact.
1405
01:24:46,042 --> 01:24:48,562
Where do you think you're goin', an'
what're we gonna call this?
1406
01:24:55,458 --> 01:24:57,833
Teddy!
1407
01:24:58,208 --> 01:25:00,750
Oh, Teddy!
1408
01:25:09,875 --> 01:25:10,875
Right.
1409
01:25:23,708 --> 01:25:25,458
Right! Trapped!
1410
01:25:25,500 --> 01:25:28,417
Trapped!
1411
01:25:28,792 --> 01:25:31,000
Trapped!
1412
01:25:31,083 --> 01:25:33,000
Ha, ha, ha! Ha... ah...
1413
01:25:34,375 --> 01:25:35,375
Mellish?
1414
01:25:37,250 --> 01:25:38,458
Mellish?
1415
01:25:40,583 --> 01:25:41,583
Mellish?
1416
01:25:43,542 --> 01:25:44,542
Mellish?
1417
01:25:47,417 --> 01:25:48,417
Mellish!
1418
01:25:49,208 --> 01:25:50,958
I know you're in here somewhere.
1419
01:26:18,333 --> 01:26:19,458
Ah!
1420
01:26:19,792 --> 01:26:22,208
Ahh-haa-haah...!
1421
01:26:40,708 --> 01:26:42,041
Mellish!
1422
01:26:42,042 --> 01:26:43,458
Mellish?
1423
01:26:45,250 --> 01:26:46,250
Mellish...?
1424
01:26:49,125 --> 01:26:50,167
Mellish...?
1425
01:27:08,458 --> 01:27:09,458
Oh!
1426
01:27:19,750 --> 01:27:20,750
Ugh!
1427
01:27:28,375 --> 01:27:29,417
Yeaahh!
1428
01:27:33,500 --> 01:27:34,500
Oooh!
1429
01:27:48,667 --> 01:27:50,917
Ah, hah, hah, hah!
1430
01:27:51,083 --> 01:27:52,083
Hmm?
1431
01:28:03,917 --> 01:28:05,208
Ha-haaahh!
1432
01:28:21,875 --> 01:28:24,208
Yeeaaaaarh!
1433
01:28:43,250 --> 01:28:44,250
Agh!
1434
01:29:02,042 --> 01:29:03,792
Yeuuuurrgh-ooow!
1435
01:29:05,958 --> 01:29:07,000
Missed!
1436
01:29:10,125 --> 01:29:11,583
Never touched me!
1437
01:29:13,917 --> 01:29:15,000
Mellish!
1438
01:29:17,708 --> 01:29:19,083
Yeuuh...!
1439
01:29:20,167 --> 01:29:21,458
Mellish!
1440
01:30:19,833 --> 01:30:23,333
You conduct went far beyond the
bounds of civilised behaviour.
1441
01:30:23,917 --> 01:30:27,750
Your worship, this is not,
whatever might at first appear...
1442
01:30:27,792 --> 01:30:31,167
Your ordinary run-of—the-mill brawl
between a clergyman...
1443
01:30:31,208 --> 01:30:35,000
And an advertising practitioner,
disguised as an archbishop...
1444
01:30:35,125 --> 01:30:36,542
In a television studio.
1445
01:30:36,833 --> 01:30:39,500
No. My client claims that
the plaintiff...
1446
01:30:39,542 --> 01:30:42,625
Was responsible for his wife
starting divorce proceedings.
1447
01:30:42,708 --> 01:30:44,625
No! He wasn't responsible.
1448
01:30:44,708 --> 01:30:45,958
Well, it wasn't me, darling.
1449
01:30:46,125 --> 01:30:47,958
Kindly address your remarks to the court.
1450
01:30:48,208 --> 01:30:50,083
It wasn't me, darling.
1451
01:30:51,542 --> 01:30:52,917
Then who was responsible?
1452
01:30:54,083 --> 01:30:56,583
That Swedish slag!
1453
01:30:56,667 --> 01:30:59,625
Mmm. I have, er... evidence of...
1454
01:30:59,833 --> 01:31:03,125
Scottish porridge, but, erm...
Swedish slag...?
1455
01:31:03,458 --> 01:31:04,292
Her!
1456
01:31:04,375 --> 01:31:09,292
She is responsible. She spent the
night with him in kaplan's flat.
1457
01:31:09,542 --> 01:31:12,792
But nothing happened with mr brown
that night - I swear it didn't.
1458
01:31:12,917 --> 01:31:15,167
It was mr kaplan I was in bed with.
1459
01:31:15,333 --> 01:31:19,291
See, in england, "in bed with" means, um,
it means, um—...
1460
01:31:19,292 --> 01:31:21,667
It don't mean "gardening", buster!
1461
01:31:21,708 --> 01:31:24,750
No, I still don't seem to have
any documents on slag.
1462
01:31:24,792 --> 01:31:27,434
If nothing happened, how come you
were in the miss goldilocks competition...
1463
01:31:27,458 --> 01:31:30,098
When my husband said he'd bought
your plane ticket to Stockholm?
1464
01:31:30,125 --> 01:31:31,417
Sir! Sir!
1465
01:31:32,208 --> 01:31:34,167
Please, sir - can I
say something?
1466
01:31:34,750 --> 01:31:36,458
The child of the union, sir.
1467
01:31:36,750 --> 01:31:38,667
Oh. Oh, yes - by all means.
1468
01:31:38,708 --> 01:31:40,667
Please, sir - I entered inga.
1469
01:31:42,625 --> 01:31:44,208
You entered inga?!
1470
01:31:46,125 --> 01:31:48,500
- How old is this child?
- Your worship...
1471
01:31:48,708 --> 01:31:50,500
I think I can explain.
1472
01:31:51,542 --> 01:31:52,917
On second thoughts, I...
1473
01:31:53,292 --> 01:31:54,917
Don't think I can explain.
1474
01:31:55,292 --> 01:31:58,208
For the competition. I felt I
owed her something...
1475
01:31:58,333 --> 01:32:00,875
- Because of her knickers.
- Knickers?
1476
01:32:01,917 --> 01:32:05,708
I seem to have a peculiarly inadequate
briefing on this particular, erm...
1477
01:32:06,250 --> 01:32:10,375
Um, mr slocombe - do knickers
constitute an exhibit?
1478
01:32:10,750 --> 01:32:12,708
Slocombe:
Not to my knowledge, your worship.
1479
01:32:12,875 --> 01:32:17,083
Slocombe: Of course... I could ask the young
person to favour your worship with a, er...
1480
01:32:17,583 --> 01:32:20,393
- Slocombe: Glimpse of the, er...
- Magistrate: Oh, no, no, mr slocombe.
1481
01:32:20,417 --> 01:32:22,097
Magistrate:
The more I hear of this case...
1482
01:32:22,167 --> 01:32:25,792
The more certain I become that
restraint is necessary on all sides.
1483
01:32:25,875 --> 01:32:31,208
Magistrate: Rarely - to the best of my belief -
have I been subjected to such a catalogue of...
1484
01:32:31,250 --> 01:32:33,125
Violence and licentiousness.
1485
01:32:34,083 --> 01:32:37,792
Magistrate: For the crown...
104321
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
