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1
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Dad, Mum's being weird.
Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.
2
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,600
SHE SCREAMS
3
00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,280
Do you think it's cos
I haven't signed up to help with the hedgehog hunt?
4
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:10,760
I'm not going to make
a potato salad for that!
5
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,240
I don't understand
what your problem is with her.
6
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:17,160
You're actually a married man
trawling Tinder. Oops!
7
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,560
I mean, I found Mr Miaowgi
in the wardrobe, mate.
8
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,000
I found him in the tumble dryer.
9
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,960
Alex's memorial's coming up,
isn't it?
10
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,080
You never told me
what you actually saw.
11
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:29,520
I think I have flashes of something
that I said to you last night.
12
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:30,640
Who's that boy?
13
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,600
And that girl...
14
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,440
I need you to look after Harry
for me.
15
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,960
Just stay on the phone. Jen!
I'll be as quick as I can.
16
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,040
What if we have to look
after Harry forever?
17
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,160
You've not been very good,
have you?
18
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:48,880
Jen, it's me again.
19
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,760
It's probably about the 47th time
I've tried to call you,
20
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,240
or tried to call the police.
21
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,400
Please, please get back to me.
22
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,080
I'm going to kill you.
23
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,840
There's a surprise. She doesn't want
to come and look for MDF hedgehogs
24
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,280
in the freezing cold woods. I told
you, she's not going to be here.
25
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,680
Well, she might be. She might.
26
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,960
I just... I think she'll come.
I do think so. You can't predict what she's going to do.
27
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,520
She's a nutty bitch who didn't even
know where she lived.
28
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:16,560
I know. I know. I know.
29
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,400
No, but, like,
we know nothing about her.
30
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,720
Maybe she's not even called Jen.
Maybe she's called Derek.
31
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,960
Maybe she wears a wig, sellotapes
her bollocks to her stomach.
32
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,800
Oh, stop it. Don't... I'm trying
to make light of it
33
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,320
cos I'm actually pretty pissed off.
34
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,560
I don't want to be the husband
35
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,280
who says, I told you so,
but I did tell you so. Yes.
36
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,400
You all right?
You look a bit worried.
37
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,960
Carl Collins said that if you leave
out bread and milk for hedgehogs,
38
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:40,720
when they eat it, they explode.
39
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,560
No! Well, they're lactose intolerant
so they can't take dairy.
40
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,440
Me and Mum left out bread and milk
for the hedgehogs.
41
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,120
Yeah, but I'm sure no hedgehogs
were actually harmed. No, no, no.
42
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,040
Well, that's weird because there's
a dead hedgehog next to the bowl
43
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:55,400
that was twice the size.
Unless it was just really fat, I don't know what's happened to it.
44
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,960
No, that won't have been
the bread and milk, would it?
45
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,080
That would've... That's..
46
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,240
That would've been the cancer.
Cancer.
47
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,360
Cancer!
48
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,760
Like an aggressive form of cancer,
I would have thought.
49
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,480
I knew that it was cancer
the whole time. Cheers, Mum.
50
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:10,920
That's all right, babe. Oh, look.
51
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,600
He's got cancer?
52
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,440
Look, I'm just as angry as you.
53
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,080
I'm even angry at myself.
54
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,520
And I know that I'm a massive tit
because I'm so gullible.
55
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:21,880
I really wanted a mate and...
Seriously, get rid of her.
56
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,600
Yes, I am. Get rid of her.
She's a nightmare.
57
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,680
I know, but I just...
I know I don't know her,
58
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,400
but I know that she will come
back for Harry.
59
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,880
She will come here today.
I just know it.
60
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:34,400
Right. Well, you obviously never
read that poem in GCSE English,
61
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:39,920
did you, about the prostitute who...
What? ..promises a man sex
62
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,400
by a tree stump and then ties
her baby to his back
63
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,840
and fucks off on his horse?
64
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,720
That's mental.
Never heard that poem? Never. No.
65
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,800
That's annoying because
that's the perfect reference
66
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,000
for this situation.
It's absolutely wasted on you.
67
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,840
We just read sort of
John Cooper Clarke.
68
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,600
Oh, yeah. Mm.
69
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,920
I'm sorry. I am sorry.
70
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,560
No, don't be sorry, like,
she manipulated you.
71
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,160
It's not your fault. She did.
72
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,840
Well, it's just, you know, you're
thick as pig shite, that's all.
73
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,320
SHE CHUCKLES
74
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,960
Cheers. That's all right.
75
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,600
I love you, too.
76
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,200
Erm... So...
77
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:17,640
I should probably say a few words
about Alex at tomorrow's memorial.
78
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,240
But I know what I want to say,
79
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,200
but I'm just struggling
to sort of...how to say it.
80
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,320
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
81
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:27,000
So I just thought, like,
maybe you could help me with it.
82
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,680
Oh, God, yes, of course.
Yeah. Can I read it to you?
83
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,680
I'm just going to check
at the start,
84
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,960
just to see if Lucy's heard
anything from Jen.
85
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,360
I'll be like two seconds, I promise.
86
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,280
OK? I just... Just a check.
87
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,120
What do you want now?
88
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,240
I want a map.
89
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,040
I did already give you a map.
90
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:51,120
Yeah, but Carl Collins forced me
to eat it, so I need a new one now.
91
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,440
Classic Carl Collins, that.
92
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,200
Don't eat that all at once,
yeah?
93
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,400
Have you seen Jen? Ah, Nic, now,
94
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,280
did you get a chance
to look at my routine?
95
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,240
Be brutal. No, I haven't. Oh.
96
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,280
Have you seen Jen?
You don't think I can do it, do you?
97
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,360
Have you seen Jen?
But I do have funny bones, Nic,
98
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,600
cos I was the class clown
at Sunday school,
99
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,520
and every time Sister Mary
turned her back, right,
100
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,800
I'd do that. Jesus Christ.
101
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,000
Have you seen Jen?
No. Why? What's the matter?
102
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,120
Oh, she dropped Harry off
at ours last night,
103
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,640
didn't tell me where she was going,
104
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,040
can't get hold of her on her phone.
105
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,120
I don't know what to do.
I'm completely beside myself.
106
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,680
You've called the police,
haven't you?
107
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:24,880
I did call the police.
108
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:26,480
And they said,
because she's an adult
109
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:27,920
who went off on her own accord,
110
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,680
they couldn't give a flying fuck.
111
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,600
You cannot tell anybody this.
112
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,440
And I know what you're like
because you're a blabbermouth.
113
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,320
No, no, no.
You absolutely can trust me.
114
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,040
OK, you do not tell anybody.
115
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,560
Went round to the house,
116
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,920
this mad old woman
answered the door,
117
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,520
said that SHE lived there.
118
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,040
She'd never heard of Jen.
119
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,800
And then I showed her a picture of
Jen and she said, "That's not Jen.
120
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,800
"That's Katya." SHE GASPS
121
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,080
So she never heard of Jen?!
122
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,200
This is a bit of an overreaction.
No, no, no. I'm sorry.
123
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,920
I should never have said anything
to you. OK.
124
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,080
You know, I think I can probably
help you find out where she lives.
125
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,240
I've got the new Samsung,
so I can just Google.
126
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,240
Oh, my God, you're just showing off
your new Samsung. Not at all.
127
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:09,320
What would you Google?
128
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,280
Jen McKenna, Katya, Cockbury,
question mark, something like that.
129
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,360
Oh, my God.
130
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:19,080
You need a massive shag,
to the point where your headboard
131
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,840
is banging so hard
cos your head keeps hitting it.
132
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,240
Possibly.
133
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,400
What I'm going to ask you -
don't say anything.
134
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,880
That's all you need to do.
Oh, come on!
135
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,320
I would never,
not in a situation like this.
136
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,760
Never.
137
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,480
Erm, do...
138
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,640
Do you mind if I just tell Pippa,
Toby's mum,
139
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,680
just because we're quite close
and I tell her everything
140
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,640
and I wouldn't want her to be out of
the loop on this one.
141
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,400
Of course I mind!
142
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,800
What did I just say?
143
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,000
I said don't tell anyone.
144
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,680
What is wrong with you?
145
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,440
What?
146
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,360
I-I have no excuse.
147
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,920
No, you don't have any excuse.
148
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,760
I know... I called... No!
149
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,680
You left your poor son all night
with no phone call,
150
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,160
no text to say where you were.
151
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,920
Nothing! You are a massive...
152
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,640
..bellend.
153
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,120
Bellend's fair.
154
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,960
I'm... I'm sorry. I...
155
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,760
Nic. Nic, please. Nic!
156
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,840
I cannot believe
that you've done this to me,
157
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,440
but more importantly, I can't
believe you've done this to Harry.
158
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,200
What is wrong with you?!
159
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,080
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
160
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,320
What is wrong with you?
161
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,120
Daniel Radcliffe,
nosing in on everyone's business.
162
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,400
Just fuck off, mate.
163
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,200
Now, tell me.
164
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,320
OK.
165
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,840
Harry took me to your house.
166
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,000
So you now live in an estate. Yeah?
167
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,320
You're wearing the same coat as me.
168
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,960
And I don't know
who the fuck you are.
169
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,600
Who is Katya?! JEN SIGHS
170
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,280
Where's Harry? Where is he?
Oh, now you give a fuck about Harry.
171
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,840
Harry is with Dan, and he's not
seeing you like that because, quite
172
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:09,560
frankly, you look dirty, and not
in a Christina Aguilera way.
173
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,920
You've got to tell me
what's going on. I will.
174
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,440
We need to talk now.
175
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:14,960
You're going to tell me everything.
176
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,480
This one? Yeah.
177
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,680
You've got seven minutes to tell me
what the fuck is going on,
178
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,320
because I'll be bloody damned
if I miss out
179
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,360
on those cut-out MDF hedgehogs.
180
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,000
I'll be bloody damned.
181
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,880
I don't know why you're being
so nice to me.
182
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,560
Neither do I.
You're a massive prick.
183
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,120
Was Harry all right? Was he upset?
184
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,880
He couldn't have given a shit,
like they discovered that Malcolm
185
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,640
next door's skylight was open
in his bedroom, so they just kept
186
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,560
throwing Rolos
into his sleeping face.
187
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,080
It's all right for me to laugh
at that. You can't laugh at that.
188
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,720
I'm so angry with you!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know.
189
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:56,840
Where were you?!
190
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,240
My friend was in trouble.
191
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,800
You sound like Tracy Beaker.
192
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,360
You're covered in soil.
193
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,080
I know. I am.
194
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,560
It's just...
195
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,720
It's just a really long story.
196
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,160
Well, let's make it short.
197
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,280
I mean, I don't like long stories
at the best of times.
198
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:15,440
I zone in and out, so just bullet
point it, succinct it. Yeah.
199
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:20,280
I, erm, smashed up a greenhouse
with a metal watering can.
200
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:21,960
I'm sorry, I thought you just said,
201
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,240
"I smashed up a greenhouse
with a metal watering can."
202
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,960
Yeah, I did.
Would you like to elaborate on that?
203
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,200
Well, it's cos
I needed something heavy,
204
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,600
and the watering can...
No, not the watering can!
205
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,720
Right. Why are you smashing up
the greenhouse? All right!
206
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,880
Oh, my God, that's like a joke that
you'd find in the Chuckle Brothers.
207
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,240
OK, fine. It's my friend Becca.
208
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:44,680
Her husband is abusive,
and he's violent,
209
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:50,200
and he's controlling, and he's just
an all-round scum of the Earth,
210
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:54,400
waste of space,
fucking piece of shit, OK?
211
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:58,440
And her son, Leo, was the one
who called me last night
212
00:08:58,440 --> 00:08:59,480
when I was at yours.
213
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,200
And he told me that things
were getting really bad again,
214
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,640
and he asked me to come and help.
215
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,400
And so that's...that's why I left
in the way that I did.
216
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,800
And...and I went to her house.
217
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,840
And when I got there,
she wouldn't let me help her.
218
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:16,720
Because he just...
219
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,000
He just gets in her head.
220
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,800
And he just makes her
all these promises.
221
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,440
He promises he's going to change
and they're going to be happy.
222
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:29,040
And he convinces her,
and she believes him.
223
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,360
And then he'll do it all again.
224
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,080
And she doesn't know
what she's doing,
225
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,880
she doesn't know where she stands.
226
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,600
And she fucking loves him.
227
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:36,920
And he knows that.
228
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,120
And he's got this toxic
sort of hold over her.
229
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:44,800
Do you understand?
230
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,960
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
231
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,320
When Becca first told me
what was going on, I...
232
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,160
I recorded our conversation.
I'm sorry, you recorded a conversation?
233
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,440
Yeah, on my phone.
Why would you record a conversation?
234
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,800
It doesn't matter why...
It doesn't matter why you did it.
235
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,520
Why would you do it?
No, it doesn't matter.
236
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,320
I needed to... It matters to me.
Fine!
237
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,120
I recorded it because,
when I was young,
238
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,480
something really bad happened
to me at home.
239
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,560
And my mum didn't believe me
240
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,160
because she said
I didn't have any proof.
241
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,720
So I just record things
so that people might believe me.
242
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,000
What bad thing happened to you?
243
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,680
I don't really want to...
Be specific.
244
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,800
I need to know everything.
245
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,400
Don't just tell me a half truth.
246
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,520
I want to know ALL the truth.
247
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,600
SOBBING: My stepdad...
248
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:27,840
He...
249
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,680
Oh, my God. He...
250
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,360
It was only once, but my mum,
she didn't...
251
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,000
She wouldn't...
252
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,240
Will you...will you just listen
to this, please?
253
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,480
No, my wages all go
into his account.
254
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,280
It's just like for bills,
it's easier.
255
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,120
And he just gives me an allowance
in cash.
256
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,160
I haven't got a bank card.
Just come and stay with me.
257
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,400
Bring Leo and stay with me.
I can't.
258
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,320
He looks at my fucking phone, Jen.
259
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,120
It's not as fucking easy as that.
260
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,600
You don't understand.
You don't understand.
261
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,360
Can we just tell someone? What for?
262
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,240
There is nothing I can do.
263
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,920
Please tell me you believe me now.
264
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:20,720
OK. Of course I believe you.
265
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,280
The only thing that's not quite
matching up for me...
266
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,600
..is why did you end up fucking up
a greenhouse?
267
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,000
Her husband's, erm...
268
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,640
Well, he's a really keen gardener.
Right.
269
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,480
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
270
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,200
So...
271
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,960
I just really felt like
fucking it all up.
272
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,760
Do you know, weirdly,
273
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,280
you fucking up a greenhouse...
274
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:54,880
Yeah? ..actually makes me love you
a little bit more.
275
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,080
If that's... That's weird.
It is. Yeah.
276
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,360
I mean, thank you, but it's...odd.
277
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,040
You've never recorded me, have you?
278
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,520
Why would I do that?
279
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,440
I don't know. You're different.
280
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,960
I would never do that to you. No?
281
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,480
I've got something
that'll cheer you up. Right.
282
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,720
So, you know
Lucy's been renovating her house.
283
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,360
Yeah. She's got that great big hole
in her wall.
284
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:23,560
A bat got in, and it flew
into the downstairs bathroom.
285
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,480
And every time she goes
into the downstairs bathroom,
286
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:27,800
it bites her on her face.
287
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,960
And there's nothing she can do
about it because it's like
288
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,160
an endangered species.
289
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:35,680
So the wildlife rescue people won't
touch it with a bloody bargepole.
290
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,400
And then she ran out of the house.
291
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,640
It followed her all the way
down the road.
292
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,280
She ran into the newsagents
and the only way they could get
293
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:46,120
it off her face was to sort
of distract it with a Twix.
294
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,480
I... I call bullshit on that.
295
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,800
That can't be true.
296
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,880
Right. I think you need a shower.
297
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,800
Yeah. Because...
298
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,720
Yeah, I can't have a shower
cos my boiler is...
299
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,560
Right. Come to mine.
You'll have a shower at mine.
300
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,880
Yeah. OK, let's go.
301
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:04,960
You did that really well.
302
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,160
You kept that to five minutes, 39.
Oh, wow.
303
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:10,840
Come here.
304
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,120
How's things with Dan, then?
305
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,600
The only way I could describe it,
it's like playing mummies
306
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,680
and daddies at school,
in the playground, rearranging
307
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,240
the chairs in the playhouse and
pushing the plastic dolly around.
308
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,400
That's about it.
309
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,680
Bleak, isn't it?
310
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,920
I mean, I didn't want to say,
but...yeah.
311
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,200
Oh, bollocks. What?
312
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:36,600
Oh, it's 3.00, and I'm supposed to
help Dan set up this memorial thing.
313
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,520
Oh. People don't generally eat at
those things, do they?
314
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:40,680
You'd be surprised.
315
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,280
I only bought crisps!
316
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,560
Oh, God, no. You've got to do
proper food at those things. Really?
317
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,840
Yeah. Sandwiches at the very least.
Oh, God. A quiche as well.
318
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,800
She's put her hanging
baskets back up. Oh, God.
319
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,640
Do you want to pop in and say
hi to Katya?
320
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,120
Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny.
321
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,680
So I've got to do a quiche, have I?
322
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,920
Yeah, everyone loves quiche.
Oh, really?
323
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:04,000
And it's, you know, finger food,
isn't it? Oh, God.
324
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,800
How are you feeling about it?
325
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,120
Unprepared, obviously.
326
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,760
No, not like the, you know,
organisational element.
327
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,560
I meant how are you actually
feeling about Alex?
328
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,040
Oh, I miss him every day.
329
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,720
Oi.
330
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,200
DISTANT VOICES
331
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,920
You know how, like,
houses can be haunted?
332
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,920
Do you think people can be haunted?
333
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,200
Are you OK?
334
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,320
Yeah, I'm fine.
335
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:36,720
I think, personally, the only sort
of people that believe in ghosts
336
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,920
are sort of really sad, bored,
lonely people.
337
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,800
Like Viv. Viv?
Viv believes in ghosts.
338
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,400
Rest my case. Case in point.
339
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,600
I cannot believe you work for Viv.
340
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:48,840
Yeah.
341
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,920
Lol! Yeah, thanks.
342
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,360
And she fired you!
343
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,280
Yeah, she did. Trololololol! Yeah.
344
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,800
Do you know, you're really vile,
aren't you? Very vile human being.
345
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,680
All right, five reasons why
346
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,560
you should help your wife
clean the house.
347
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,440
You live here too.
You live here too.
348
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,600
You live here too.
You live here too.
349
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,040
You live here too.
350
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,960
I'm not really sure that
we're your target audience.
351
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,840
Ollie, I think you're going to find,
as young men growing up in this
352
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,320
world, this is exactly the type of
stuff you need to be hearing,
353
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,880
all right? OK.
354
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,320
OK. Knock, knock. Who's there?
355
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,800
Impatient feminist.
356
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,800
Impatient fe...
Why don't we have equal pay yet?!
357
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,200
Why are you screaming about gender
pay in my son's sweet face?
358
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,480
Well, the boys just agreed to be
my first audience, didn't you?
359
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,880
No. I wouldn't say we agreed.
360
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,000
Oh, my goodness. Erm...
361
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,960
You haven't seen Dan, have you?
Yeah.
362
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,040
He said he was going to go
and set up for tomorrow.
363
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,600
How was he? Was he all right? Cross?
364
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,600
Well, he was...he was all right.
365
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,680
I think he was wondering
where you got to. Yeah.
366
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,520
Oh, God. Erm...
367
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,440
OK, can we just have a
heart-to-heart? Woman on woman?
368
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,760
You know I'm always up
and ready for that.
369
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,240
I think the fact is that I've
always thoroughly disliked you.
370
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,160
What? Justified or unjustified.
371
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,200
How much did I used to slag her off?
Every day.
372
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,360
Every day on the way to school?
373
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,720
Every single day. Mental.
374
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,800
What I want to say is, I've had
a total eclipse of the sun.
375
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,040
I don't feel that way
about you any more.
376
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,520
I really like you.
377
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,840
You showed me a bit of
vulnerability, which I like.
378
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,960
I think your comedy is up there
with some of the greats, you know?
379
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,320
It's getting there. It's getting
there, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
380
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:25,360
On that note, would it be possible
for you to look after these two
381
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,840
while I go and help Dan out at
the memorial and maybe to drop them
382
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,400
back home at mine afterwards?
Is that OK?
383
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,120
It would be my pleasure.
384
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,640
Brilliant. And on the same note,
385
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,640
would you be able to rustle up a
quiche?
386
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,160
Absolutely. That's no problem.
I love making...
387
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,080
Well... 20 to 40...
20 to 40 quiches?
388
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:45,240
For tomorrow morning.
389
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,760
Oh. I mean, you've probably
got about...12 hours?
390
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,320
For the memorial tomorrow.
By tomorrow?
391
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,440
Brilliant. I'll leave that with you.
392
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,760
Er, s-sure. Thank you.
393
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,720
Thank you so much, Lucy.
394
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,320
Thank you.
395
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,360
No, thank...
396
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:03,920
Do you know what? You remind me
of a very young Jim Carrey.
397
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,120
Wow. Yeah. Wow.
398
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,480
Well, when he was... Thank you.
399
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,640
..Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, he's
trying to hone...find his craft.
400
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,720
Yeah. He hasn't quite got
to the Dumb and Dumber.
401
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,680
That is spot-on.
An inspiration to many.
402
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,640
Yeah.
Don't stop pulling those mad faces!
403
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:19,920
OK.
404
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,760
SHE CHUCKLES
405
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,560
All right. What do you call a
woman who has loads of sex?
406
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:25,600
I don't know.
407
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,080
Her name!
408
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,360
Dan, I'm just getting in a taxi now.
409
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:30,880
What?
410
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,080
No, I definitely said on the
email the 26th. What is it?
411
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,560
Oh, my God. Let me just...
412
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,040
What? One sec!
413
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,400
Oh, my...
414
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,800
Dan? Dan!
415
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,240
Oh, my God!
416
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,360
What is it? What's happened?
417
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,320
I put the wrong date on the email
for the memorial so nobody's
418
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,440
going to be able to come!
419
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,600
Oh, mate.
420
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,840
Oh, my God. What am I going to do?
421
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,360
Oh, OK, erm...
422
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,480
Is this the temp agency?
423
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:05,600
Is it possible to get about
20 to 30 people for tomorrow?
424
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,720
No, no, no, sorry, not to work,
to actually mourn. Mourners, yeah.
425
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,760
NIC CHUCKLES
426
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,640
I'm sorry, I thought you
just said three grand.
427
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,160
Oh, you did? OK, that's fine.
Thank you.
428
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,680
Righto.
429
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,000
Thanks, mate.
430
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,040
Three grand.
431
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,320
Oh, God.
432
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,560
I haven't been here
since the wedding.
433
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,080
It's going to be really hard, Nic.
434
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,600
Nic? Hmm?
435
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,400
Shall we go in?
436
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,440
Yeah.
437
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,040
I just need a moment
to talk to my man.
438
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,080
Of course.
439
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,240
Dan?
440
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,600
Oh, there you are.
441
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,840
Sorry. Crisps?
442
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:04,360
Yeah. I mean, I think I gave you
200 quid to sort the food out, Nic.
443
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,520
Yeah, that's, er...
£200 worth of crisps there.
444
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,440
Oh, my God. I mean, it's adorable,
but it's a little bit annoying.
445
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:15,000
There are quiches coming,
so don't panic about that.
446
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,960
That's all right.
Everyone loves quiche, don't they?
447
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,360
As long as it arrives
on the right date.
448
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,640
Your mum and Suz have
done a really good job.
449
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,720
Yeah, you think?
They have, haven't they?
450
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,880
Well, it feels, like, smaller
than it did on our wedding day,
451
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,480
don't you think?
God, do you remember when Simon
452
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:34,800
thought the DJ booth was a urinal
cos he was so battered? Oh, yeah!
453
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,560
That's your family. I know.
454
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:38,920
Bunch of wrong 'uns.
455
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,000
Erm... Harry's with Lucy, so...
456
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,800
I know. Thank you.
457
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,120
I mean, they're all Prosecco
flavour as well, Nic.
458
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,720
Like, people are going to think
it's a product launch, aren't they?
459
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,440
Why is she... Why is she still
here? Why are you still here?
460
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,920
I wanted to say sorry and explain.
461
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,520
I mean, she's even got the same
ciothes as you, Nic.
462
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,400
Who are you? Like, you're
fucking eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!
463
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,760
What's going on? I'm sorry, Dan.
464
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,040
No, I'm sorry that you haven't
realised that this is actually
465
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:07,760
my brother's memorial.
466
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,360
So if you'd be as kind as just
to fuck off out of my life,
467
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,880
out of my wife's life, out of...
..our cat's life.
468
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,520
That'd be really nice.
Thank you very much.
469
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,320
Could you... I know you're
going to go mental.
470
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,000
Could you just let her explain?
471
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,760
Just, please, just...
472
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,320
Oh, my... Are you joking me?
473
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,600
Nic, come on. Are you joking me?
474
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,120
Just listen to her because...
475
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,120
Listen? I've been... I've been
really fucking patient up till here.
476
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,240
I know. I've been really
understanding, and now what?
477
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,600
She's going to reel you back in?
It's that easy, is it?
478
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,000
Oh, my God. Honestly, Nic, if you
love me, if you've ever loved me,
479
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,080
please tell her to go.
480
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,600
Nic.
481
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,200
Nic. NIC SIGHS
482
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,400
Nic.
483
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:50,800
Nic?
484
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:51,840
Oh, my God.
485
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,480
Oh. Right, well, you can fuck off as
well. Go on, fuck off with her.
486
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:56,840
Go on, go on.
487
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,440
Actually, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
488
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,040
You can do all this.
You can do all this.
489
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,120
I'm going to go. I'm going to go
and stay at my mum's.
490
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,720
Girl fucking power! Fuck off!
491
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,000
Mate, I...
492
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,440
DOOR SLAMS
493
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:11,920
Can I, erm...?
494
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,240
Is there anything?
495
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,000
Can you just give me a minute, mate?
496
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,080
Oh, God. It's such a mess.
497
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,480
Oh...
498
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,160
SHE CRIES
499
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:39,600
Oi!
500
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,400
Nic. I'm here, look.
501
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,640
You know I've got an ear infection,
you dick!
502
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:49,680
Oh...
503
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:53,800
SHE CHUCKLES
504
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:54,840
Yes!
505
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,160
You threw that like Mr Burns, then.
506
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,320
Oh...
507
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,720
SHE SNIFFS Oh, God!
508
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:10,320
LAUGHTER
509
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,680
What do you want from me?
510
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,560
What do you want from me?!
511
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:18,600
Signature. SHE GASPS
512
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,640
Oh, my Go... Sorry. Erm...
513
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,680
Yes, sorry. What is it for?
514
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,160
Crisps. Crisps. Yes.
515
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:32,680
God, I must have been really pissed,
I know.
516
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,280
You don't want any crisps, do you?
517
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,000
Maybe. What flavour?
518
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,520
Prosecco flavour.
519
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,200
HE CHUCKLES No, you're all right.
520
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,720
I'll just go get the rest.
521
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,280
HE WHISTLES
522
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,800
God, you know, I actually
feel relieved.
523
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,240
What, that he's gone?
That he's gone, yeah.
524
00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,280
That's OK.
525
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,280
I'm really glad I'm here.
526
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,680
I'm really glad you're here.
527
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,640
PHONE VIBRATES
528
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,600
Is that your phone?
529
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,520
Yeah, who is it? Can you see?
530
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,600
It's Dan. Oof...
531
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,320
Are you going to answer it?
532
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,480
No. Are you sure?
533
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:18,640
Yeah.
534
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,200
NIC SIGHS
535
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,880
God, I wish you had a cock.
536
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,000
JEN LAUGHS
537
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,800
It'd be really big as well,
wouldn't it?
538
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,000
You'd be just, like,
the best partner.
539
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,200
You'd be so supportive... I know.
540
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,920
..and sort of not want
thanking for putting up
541
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,680
a set of shelves...
No. I wouldn't need it.
542
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,080
..not needing a blowjob for it.
543
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,920
I wouldn't need it...
You'd just do it.
544
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:46,760
..cos I'd be...I'd be secure enough
in my own masculinity that I would
545
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,880
just be happy to do it for you
546
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,720
and I wouldn't need
anything in return.
547
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,920
Oh! I wouldn't need to
prove anything, you know?
548
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,080
Oh, that's so great.
549
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,680
And I'd do it...
550
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,000
I'd do it as soon as
you asked me to do it.
551
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,600
Wouldn't put it off and go to
the pub and bitch about you
552
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,240
or anything like that.
553
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:10,000
And you'd take me into, like, the
town at the weekend and you'd come
554
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:14,080
into the Lush shop with me and let
me look at all the bath bombs,
555
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,080
not complain about how the smell of
the Lush shop gives you a headache.
556
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,080
Yeah, exactly.
557
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,440
And I wouldn't mind that my
coat just smelled like it
558
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,400
for hours afterwards.
559
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,600
And you'd let me watch
RuPaul's Drag Race.
560
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:28,920
I'd WANT to watch RuPaul's
Drag Race. Yeah! Absolutely.
561
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,880
And discuss it over, like,
a bottle of wine. Yeah.
562
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,200
In really...really detail.
Yeah. Yeah.
563
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:37,720
And I'd have my favourite ones
and you'd have yours and we'd argue
564
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,640
over them, but we probably would
agree on...on the winner. Yeah.
565
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,080
Do you know, I always thought I was
566
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,720
going to be something
really magnificent.
567
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,080
You are magnificent.
568
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,160
I'm not. I'm an absolute idiot.
569
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,240
What have I done with my life?
570
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,600
I thought I was going to be, like...
571
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,560
Start my own girl group and...
572
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,480
I mean, you ARE a fucking idiot.
Yeah. Yeah.
573
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,360
But you're really magnificent.
574
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,560
You've got no idea, have you?
575
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,600
Why is you so bloody great to me?
576
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,440
Oh, I don't know.
577
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,120
I don't know what I'd have done
if I'd not met you.
578
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,680
Thank you for believing me. VOICES APPROACH
579
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:20,840
That's all right.
580
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,160
DOOR OPENS
581
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,000
It's just not nice, not sharing.
582
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,280
Mum, Ollie won't let me play
with his camcorder.
583
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,880
Yeah, but you can't play with it.
584
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,120
It's not a toy.
I use it to make my films.
585
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,600
Don't argue about it.
586
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,280
Just go...go upstairs and put your
pyjamas on. You've had a long day.
587
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,000
It'll be bedtime soon anyway.
588
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,280
Go on. Off you go.
589
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:40,400
It's not fair.
590
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,400
Can you deal with them?
591
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,080
Yeah, I'll do it. Don't worry.
Oh, you're such a great husband.
592
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,360
I'm a really good husband, aren't I?
Yeah.
593
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,240
Go on, up you get. Ugh.
594
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,400
Tomorrow's going to be hell,
isn't it?
595
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,520
I'm going to be there, OK?
It's going to be all right.
596
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:58,560
Thank you. Right, you stay down here
and I'll sort these kids out.
597
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,120
Oh, I'd better see
where this cat's at.
598
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,080
Have you got any tampons?
599
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,280
Yeah, cupboard under the sink. OK.
600
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,960
When did you come on your period?
601
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:08,000
This morning.
602
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,720
NIC GASPS What? Same!
603
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:10,960
You too? Me too.
604
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,280
We've... Synced up.
605
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,440
We've synced up!
606
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,720
Oh, my gosh.
That's really great, that.
607
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,600
See where this fat bastard is.
608
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,120
Mr Miaowgi?
609
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:26,920
WHIRRING
610
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,880
Mr Miaowgi!
611
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,560
Whatever the fuck your name is.
612
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:33,080
Ugh.
613
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:35,920
"Have you turned the
light off, Ollie?"
614
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,200
"Yes, of course I have, Mum."
615
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,480
Fuck's sake.
616
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,840
Ugh.
617
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,160
How do you work this bloody thing?
618
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,240
BEEP Ah.
619
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,560
Come on, then, greedy guts. NIC CHUCKLES
620
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,600
Aww. You've not been very good,
have you?
621
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,160
You've destroyed the whole city.
CAT MEOWS
622
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,400
Let's get rid of you, then. CAT MEOWS
623
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:16,720
BEEPING
624
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,320
Three, two, one... Blast off.
Oh, my God...
625
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,240
WHOOSHING
626
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,520
You stupid bitch!
627
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,440
LAUGHTER
628
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,880
How did you do the X?
629
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:37,080
Well, thank you for asking.
630
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,800
I did the line and I stopped
mid-flow,
631
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,960
and I readjusted, and I
finished the other line.
632
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,520
It's really great, OK?
633
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:45,640
LAUGHTER
634
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:49,000
Let me be your vacuum cleaner
635
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,240
Breathing in your dust
636
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,800
Let me be your Morris Minor
637
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:52,840
I will never rust
638
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,040
If you like your coffee hot
639
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,600
Let me be your coffee pot
640
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,120
You call the shots
641
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,360
I want to be yours
642
00:27:58,360 --> 00:27:59,800
Let me be your electric meter
643
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:00,920
I will never run out
644
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,560
Let me be the electric heater
645
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,080
You get pneumonia without
646
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,960
Let me be your setting lotion
647
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,320
Grip your skull with deep devotion
648
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,080
Deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean
649
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:11,800
That's how deep is my devotion
650
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:13,760
Deep, deep, deep, deep, d-deep-deep
651
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,040
I don't want to be hers
652
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,120
I want to be yours.
653
00:28:16,170 --> 00:28:20,720
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