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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,600
Nic. Jen.
You're great. I try.
2
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,760
I've lost my cat,
got a distraught son...
3
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,120
Mum, come on.
We're going to be late again!
4
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:10,200
Well, we should celebrate.
Yes.
5
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,760
You know. There's vibes.
6
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,040
Dan, this is Jen. Jen, this is Dan.
7
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Jen. Nice to meet you. Dan.
8
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,000
I've got to be really good tonight
9
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,960
cos it's Ollie's
birthday tomorrow morning.
10
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,560
Yeah. Opa! Opa!
11
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,600
It was like my twin flame.
12
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,360
What? With... Not with him.
13
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:26,880
With a guy called Alex.
14
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,000
Did you just break up, or...?
15
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,640
STOP THE TRAIN!
HELP ME, PLEASE!
16
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,080
SHE SCREAMS
17
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,640
Oh, God.
18
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,320
LAUGHTER AND MUSIC REVERBERATES
19
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,320
God!
20
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,800
To the good times!
21
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,680
Why do you drink?
Why do you do it to yourself?
22
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,600
Why do you keep making
the same mistake, Nic?
23
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:52,960
Hmm? Hmm?
24
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,800
I'm stuck. I mean, what am I
supposed to do? I don't have a job.
25
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,400
But I don't understand.
If you're not happy with Dan,
26
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,120
why can't you leave now?
27
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,680
You opened them. Mm?
28
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,040
You opened them without me.
29
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,720
Yeah, cos you were fast asleep
and he wanted to crack on.
30
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,480
So, sorry.
31
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,000
Yeah. I mean, when you
were asleep, to be honest,
32
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,600
you looked like you were dead.
33
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,040
You were dribbling and everything.
It was horrific.
34
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,560
Was I? Yeah. Yeah.
35
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:29,640
It's actually quite sad.
Oh, God.
36
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,680
I can't believe
I had that much to drink.
37
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,080
Really?
38
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:37,280
Look, I was battered and I was
singing Fresh Prince, the rap,
39
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,240
so I've lost my voice.
Really?
40
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,760
Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
41
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,040
I've organised all of this.
I know, I know.
42
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,400
And Jen just kept topping me up,
and topping me up,
43
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,360
and topping me up,
and topping me up. Yeah.
44
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,200
Was it her idea to get the port?
45
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,800
She get that out, did she, the port?
46
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,440
What? That bottle of port's
from four Christmases ago, Nic,
47
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,760
I'm surprised you woke up.
48
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,640
You had a lot to chat about, then.
49
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,080
Where is Jen? She's gone.
50
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,120
Thought she was staying the night?
51
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,080
Yeah, but Harry couldn't sleep,
so she had to take him back.
52
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,640
When? Dunno. Just in the night.
53
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,320
Oh.
54
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,960
Well, did he like his camera?
55
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,000
Yeah, I think so. Did you?
56
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,240
Me, what, huh?
Do you like your camera?
57
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,880
I spent ages choosing that, lad.
58
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,640
Er, yeah.
59
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,520
Yeah, I mean, like, when I,
60
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,360
like, when I opened the
box, I was just, like,
61
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,760
"Pfff, whoa."
62
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,160
We're getting you cash as well.
Yeah, cash is nice.
63
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,400
Have you taken a picture with
the hat that your mum sent?
64
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,640
No. Well, no, cos he's in his
pyjamas. Oh, what, you...
65
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:43,200
Well, she's going to be
on my case otherwise.
66
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,640
What else did she get you?
67
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,040
Duplo. Are you kidding?
68
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:50,240
Nope. Oh, my God.
That's ridiculous. Two-plus.
69
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:51,880
I mean, does she know
how old you are?
70
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,000
Obviously not. This is for infants.
71
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,440
Christ Almighty.
72
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,480
Right.
I'm not wearing that.
73
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:58,640
Nic? No. Yes.
74
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,560
You haven't said
"happy birthday" to him yet.
75
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,760
Yes, I have! No, you haven't.
Do I get... Have I not? No.
76
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,160
SHE SIGHS Oh, happy birthday, mate.
77
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,240
Ugh! Mum!
Just stand there with that.
78
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,720
Quick. Please, mate. Quick. Come on.
79
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,560
Right, stay there.
Hang on a sec. OK.
80
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,560
The lighting's not right. You have
to go over here. Go over there.
81
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,080
No, Mum. Come on. Chop, chop,
chop, chop. I don't want to do it.
82
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,840
Come on, come on. You want that
money in your building society,
83
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,160
mate, you better earn it.
OK. Right, OK.
84
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,840
Smile. PHONE RINGS
85
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,120
Just do it nicely.
86
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,440
Imagine that's a load of cash.
87
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,040
I'm not answering that.
That's Mum.
88
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,240
Smile nicely. Ha! Hey!
89
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,760
PHONE RINGS Oh.
90
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,680
Ah, she's phoning me now.
Don't answer it.
91
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,120
Hello? Yes, Carol.
92
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,880
Yeah. No, he is by his phone.
93
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,800
He just didn't want to talk to YOU.
94
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,000
It was a joke, Carol.
95
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,520
Yes, he's HERE!
96
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,000
Here's Nanny!
97
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,520
Hi, Nan. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
98
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,200
Yeah, yeah. Right, right.
I loved it.
99
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:59,840
It's just... Yeah, it's...
The present... It's just amazing.
100
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:04,640
Yeah. I'm wearing my hat
for a picture for you and...
101
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,000
You know that when I opened it,
I was just, like,
102
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,680
"Cor! It's just so good!"
103
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,400
Yeah.
104
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,120
Um.
105
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,720
It's, like...
106
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,120
Oh.
107
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,000
HE STAMMERS
108
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,040
Babe? I'm sorry.
109
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,400
I didn't mean it.
Don't be sorry for that.
110
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,560
That's... I'm unbelievably
proud of you.
111
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,360
That was good. That was quite good.
That was good, weren't it? I know.
112
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,040
That was really great. PHONE RINGS
113
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,520
Don't hang up on her like that.
Oh, she's phoning again.
114
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,720
Pass me some of that wrapping paper.
115
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,280
Hiya, Carol.
116
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,600
No, I can't.
117
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,280
Can you not hear me at all?
118
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,480
Hey, Mum?
119
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,320
What? We're a bit bored.
120
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,240
I mean, have you tried wrapping
Denin up in some bog roll?
121
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,560
Yeah, we've done that.
That's page one.
122
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,000
I don't know, then. Do what normal
kids do - just wet toilet paper
123
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,760
and just throw it at the ceiling.
124
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,280
All right. God... Oh, God...
125
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,120
Cheers, Mum.
126
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,680
SHE SIGHS
127
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,840
Ew, I saw that!
128
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:30,200
That's disgusting!
129
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,800
Go on, then. Lucky dip.
130
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,400
Gross! Shame on you!
131
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,400
It was that one. BELLY GROWLS
132
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,440
Oh, God.
133
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,080
Oh, God, no!
134
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,520
Get out!
135
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:52,840
Get out now!
136
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,400
Oh...
137
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,480
SHE BREAKS WIND VIOLENTLY
138
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,800
BREAKING WIND CONTINUES
139
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,440
LUCY: Nic? Is that you?
140
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,160
SHE MOUTHS
141
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,680
Hi, Lucy.
142
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,240
Are you all right in there?
It sounds very painful.
143
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,080
No, I'm fine!
144
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,320
Everyone's arrived.
145
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,920
OK, great!
146
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,080
Yeah. Um, the kids are
getting a bit restless,
147
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,520
so I think we should put
Ollie's film on now.
148
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,920
OK. Yep, yep, yep, yep.
149
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,640
Um, very quickly...
150
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,840
SHE BREAKS WIND Yeah?
151
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,280
Just while you're there,
I just wanted to ask your advice
152
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:40,120
on something very, very quickly.
153
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,960
I'm thinking about signing up...
OK.
154
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,120
Do you think we could
talk about this later?
155
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,000
Oh, OK! Do you want me to ask you
when you're done? Yeah, please.
156
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,400
Thanks!
Okey dokey. Good luck!
157
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,720
SHE SIGHS AND VIOLENTLY BREAKS WIND
158
00:06:55,720 --> 00:07:00,080
WIND BREAKING SLOWLY ABATES
159
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,800
AEROSOL SPRAYS
160
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,760
Lucy, are you still there?
161
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,240
Go! Please, go!
162
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,800
DOOR SHUTS
163
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,760
CHILD DROPS
164
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,960
Oh, God!
165
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,560
SHE CRIES OUT God!
166
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,080
SHE GROANS
167
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,960
SHE SIGHS
168
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,680
MOCKINGLY: "It's a boy!"
169
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,920
Nic?
170
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,320
Nic?
171
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:44,880
What's wrong? What's happened?
172
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,240
I've got to stop shopping
when I'm pissed.
173
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,400
Why am I like this?! Oh...
174
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,280
Oh, just shut up. You're amazing.
You know you are.
175
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,600
Oh...
176
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,880
I keep getting flashes of
something I said to you last night.
177
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,120
What do you mean?
178
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:02,080
I can't remember quite what it was,
but I'm just...urrrrgh!
179
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,920
What did I say to you? Ugh...
180
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,040
You're just.... You're just going
to absolutely drive yourself mad...
181
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,400
I know. ..with all this. OK?
I know, I know.
182
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,840
That's why you're so messed up, OK?
183
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,920
Because you never talk to
anyone about it. I know!
184
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,160
You hold it all in all the time.
185
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,480
Jeez, Nic, you're just a human.
186
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,680
We've all done shit, OK? Oh...
187
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,280
God... I would never,
ever tell anyone about it.
188
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,920
You promise? I promise.
189
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,760
You'd never say anything? I promise,
I would never. Oh, my God...
190
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,920
It's not your fault, Nic.
None of it was your fault.
191
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,960
I can't deal with this. You can,
you can, look. Come on, get up.
192
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,840
God, it's like a load of
rats have escaped from a lab!
193
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,080
They're like animals! I know!
194
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,960
But, you know, you asked
for this, so, come on.
195
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,520
Oh, God, right...
196
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,120
..that's it.
197
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,960
Everything hurts. I know, I know.
198
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,200
NOTIFICATION TONE
199
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,360
Oh...
200
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,480
Oh! What?
201
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,920
I knew this was going to happen...
What?!
202
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,400
..so I made a call.
203
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,480
This is going to sort you right out.
204
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,240
Please say it's drugs.
205
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
206
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,440
CHANTS: Ollie! Ollie!
207
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,040
Oh...! Really good.
208
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,600
His mind is, whoa.
209
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,880
He's very clever.
I tell you what we should do.
210
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,080
We should go on a girls' trip,
we should do a spa day.
211
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,400
Spa day! Spa day!
212
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,920
Girls, girls, shush.
213
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,520
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sh!
214
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,200
Girls' trip, do a spa day.
215
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,680
Yeah! Bath Spa!
216
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:30,920
I tell you what as well.
217
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,400
Why don't we go to this
brilliant Greek restaurant
218
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,360
where they do the...
219
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,720
You know, the spinning round thing?
They smash the plate.
220
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,360
Girls' trip, Bath Spa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!
221
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,200
And leave the grumpy old
git at home.
222
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,080
THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY
223
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,880
TV PLAYS, SHE SNORES
224
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,480
WHISPERS: Ready?
225
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,240
Three, two, one.
226
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,600
Boom.
227
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,200
SHE GROANS
228
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,000
HE GIGGLES
229
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,320
Go, go!
230
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,600
You all right? What you doing?
Nothing.
231
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,520
DOORBELL CHIMES
232
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,880
Ugh... Who's that?
233
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,240
Who's ringing? I don't know.
What's the time?
234
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,360
Everyone got picked up
from the party, didn't they?
235
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,680
How should I know?!
236
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,200
It was your party, mate.
237
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,120
Hey!
Hey!
238
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,560
It's Suze. Oh, Suze! Hey!
239
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,520
Hey, how you doing, buddy?
240
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,600
Hey. Hello, Auntie Suze.
241
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,640
Nice to see you! You too!
242
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,240
OK. So, I know I'm the absolute
worst because I missed your party,
243
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,640
but I have got you
the most awesome present.
244
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,680
Thank you. Can I
get you a drink, Suze?
245
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,760
Uh... No, I can't stay long, sorry.
246
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,760
So, I know this is a bit niche,
247
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,000
but I had these especially made
248
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,000
just for you.
249
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,640
Wait... Oh, my God!
250
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,240
What is it? What is it?
251
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,600
It's the...the... Remember the
stop-motion thing we saw on telly?
252
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,040
Yeah. It's that!
Yeah, they're Claymation figures.
253
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,000
They've got wires in them so you can
bend them whichever way you want.
254
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:58,000
I can't get you a glass of wine?
I can't stay, honestly. Sorry.
255
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,680
Actually, listen, I've been thinking
about...
256
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,160
..Alex's anniversary. Oh, yeah.
257
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:10,360
And I thought maybe we could get
a memorial seat at Old Trafford.
258
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,000
That's a great idea.
Yeah? OK, cool.
259
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,240
It's, like, a couple
thousand for the plaque.
260
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,840
Well, that's fine. I can chip in.
261
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,320
Weirdly, we were talking about
maybe putting some money...
262
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,720
They've given me a map of
the different seats available.
263
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,400
..behind the bar at his favourite
pub. I don't know anything about
264
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,400
football, so I thought
maybe you could choose.
265
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,640
Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.
266
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,280
Yeah? What should
I get on the plaque?
267
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,680
Um... It's no swearing.
They're a bit weird about it, so...
268
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,480
Yeah, I'll think of something, yeah.
Like a nickname or something?
269
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,600
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, he had a load of them.
270
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,840
Yeah, that's nice. That's lovely.
Yeah.
271
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,800
Cool. Great.
272
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,240
Right, I've got to go,
I've got to go. Sorry.
273
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,080
I've got to go to this boring dinner
and wonder why the guy playing
274
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,120
opposite me is on twice
as much as I am. Yay!
275
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,440
Oh, God, yes. Ooh, um...
Thank you!
276
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,000
Happy birthday. Oh...
Thanks, Auntie Suze.
277
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,480
Oh, that's great. That's great.
I've got to go. I'm sorry.
278
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,360
Bye, Auntie Suze. Love you! Bye-bye.
Love you. Bye-bye, Bye-bye.
279
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,160
Oh, God, we must go
for that coffee, Sue.
280
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,720
When you used to
hang out with him,
281
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,840
you made me so uncomfortable.
282
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,800
I'm going to go to bed, I think.
283
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:30,880
OK.
284
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,120
Night, Mum. Night.
285
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:44,240
AMOROUS MOANS AND SHOUTS
286
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
287
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,360
ALEX: Who's ready to
hear the sock story?
288
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,040
So, as most of you
will probably know...
289
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,960
It's 20 to three, Dan.
290
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,800
WEDDING HOME VIDEO PLAYS ON TV
291
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,760
And what did she see?
292
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,880
She saw a 14-year-old
Dan furiously,
293
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:29,320
furiously giving it to
his favourite football sock.
294
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,680
Come to bed, Dan.
295
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,120
Yeah, I'm coming to bed.
296
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,280
In a bit, yeah.
297
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,560
This was just around the time
298
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,520
he got made captain of
the school football team.
299
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,720
What kind of disgusting
power trip was this?
300
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,440
LAUGHTER ON VIDEO
301
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,600
So, I went to the
same school as Dan,
302
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,760
and I made it my business
to tell the entire school.
303
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,720
And by lunchtime, I get pulled
into the headmaster's office,
304
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:52,000
and he says to me, "Alex..."
305
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,200
You never told me
what you actually saw. Dan...!
306
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,320
I've got an image of it in my head,
307
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,280
and I just need to know
if it was better or worse.
308
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,880
It was quick.
309
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,400
That's it. That's
all you need to know.
310
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,560
I know I'm making this about me.
I know you loved him too. I'm sorry.
311
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,120
An exploration
into the groom's proudest
312
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,840
and funniest moments
by way of a gentle roast.
313
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,640
Who's that? Who's that boy?
314
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,360
It's a cousin, isn't it?
315
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,080
And that girl.
316
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,680
INDISTINCT SPEECH
317
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,200
APPLAUSE ON VIDEO
318
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,240
Come to bed. Come on.
319
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,240
I just want to understand
why you didn't...
320
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,800
I'm not doing all of this.
Come to bed.
321
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,520
IN TUNE OF ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT:
If you walk into his room,
322
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,240
You will get a shock...
Everyone!
323
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,120
ALL: Dan, Dan, Dan the perve,
wanked into a sock
324
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:47,800
If you walk into this room,
you will get a shock.
325
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,080
Again!
326
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,560
THEY LAUGH
327
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,520
Oh, I love it!
328
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,360
Wow, reverse!
329
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,000
Really good, Ollie.
330
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,240
NOTIFICATION TONE
331
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:03,040
Oh, no... What?
332
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,320
She's booked the Greek restaurant.
333
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,960
No! Yes!
334
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,960
And she's sent a gif of
a plate being smashed.
335
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,400
Oh, God, no! Yeah!
336
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,080
Oh, my God, how are we
going to get out of this?
337
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,040
I don't know!
Oh, God!
338
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,920
MOBILE RINGS
339
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,480
Oh, God, is that her?
340
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:23,760
Hello?
341
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,120
Oh, yes.
Yeah, speaking.
342
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,320
Oh, my goodness.
343
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,400
Yeah. Where did you find him?
344
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,960
Yeah, I can come now.
345
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,720
Where's my bloody coat?
346
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,920
WEDDING HOME VIDEO PLAYS ON TV
347
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,800
You all right up there, boys?
348
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,200
THEY CHUCKLE
349
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,760
What's so funny?
350
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,640
Oh, shit.
351
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,520
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
352
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,920
Anyone in? Nic?
353
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,040
Always leaving the bloody TV on.
354
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,520
There's an energy crisis going on!
355
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,040
LOUD BREAKING WIND
356
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,880
LOUD BREAKING WIND
357
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,720
MUZAK PLAYS
358
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,200
ANIMAL GROWLS
359
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,320
DOOR OPENS
360
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,520
Oh, hi. Oh, hey!
361
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,400
Oh, I am so sorry to keep
you waiting. Oh, that's OK.
362
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,640
I think someone's going
to be very happy to see you!
363
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,800
Oh, my God!
364
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,680
Oh, Mr Meowgi! Oh, my gosh!
Hello, mate!
365
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,240
"Hello, Mummy!"
366
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,920
Aw, Ollie's going to be so relieved.
367
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,040
He's been good as gold.
Oh... Mm-hm.
368
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,600
He's lost a bit of weight.
369
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,440
Yeah, he was very, very
hungry when he came in.
370
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,000
Very hungry.
371
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,120
Watch out for his claws!
372
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,720
God, you nasty... CAT MEOWS
373
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,240
That's it, fella.
374
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,920
I'm just going to get
you to go in here.
375
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,320
That's it.
376
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,480
Careful of the tail! Yes!
377
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,040
Just put your arse in.
Thank you.
378
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,360
Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
379
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,040
SHE MEOWS
380
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,040
CAT MEOWS
381
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,400
BARKING, SQUEALING AND GROWLING
382
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,480
All right...
383
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,120
Found Mr Meowgi! Mum...
384
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,600
Ollie! Mum.
385
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,080
What's happened?
386
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,480
Do you want to tell her, or shall I?
387
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,360
Do you want to...?
388
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:51,040
These two have just spent
45 minutes tormenting me.
389
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:52,880
What have you done?
390
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:57,000
Well, it was my idea
to use the Fart Blaster.
391
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,160
Sorry, what's a Fart Blaster?
That.
392
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,400
FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND
393
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,880
THAT is a Fart Blaster.
394
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,680
FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND
395
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,080
What did you do in this?
396
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,920
It was my idea to
use the surround sound.
397
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,400
Can you imagine what that... FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND
398
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,080
..is like?
399
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,040
365 degrees, just everywhere.
400
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,160
FART BLASTER BREAKS WIND
IN VARIETY OF STYLES
401
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,560
I'm so sorry.
402
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,200
I can't imagine... No.
403
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,760
Would you boys...
404
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:36,560
..like to say sorry to Viv?
405
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,480
I'm sorry we scared you.
406
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,720
Um, well...
407
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,400
We were just having a laugh.
408
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,200
That's not an apology, is it?
409
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,000
No. Mm-hm.
410
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,920
What do you say?
Sorry, Viv.
411
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,280
Because what must have
that been like for you?
412
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:51,880
SHAKILY: That was absolutely...
413
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,040
It was one of the worst
experiences of my life.
414
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,760
It was traumatising.
Yeah.
415
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,360
OK, I don't want to be too
vulnerable in front of the children.
416
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,200
SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER:
I know. I'm so sorry.
417
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,440
No cleaning's been done,
so I'm sorry about that.
418
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,960
Do you know what? I don't blame you.
419
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,680
Imagine you in that situation. I'd
be just as terrified as you were.
420
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,640
Could you do cleaning with
THAT in your whole system?
421
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,480
Are you going to be all right
to drive? Well, I don't know.
422
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,880
Would you be?
423
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,680
Well, I mean, it was
sort of only farts.
424
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,040
All right, I guess
I'll go, then, shall I?
425
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,640
To you, it was only farts.
426
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,640
It was A LOT MORE than that to me.
427
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,880
Though...
428
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:31,200
I tell you what, though,
I would not wish that on anyone.
429
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,880
Not even Katie Hopkins.
430
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,120
DOOR SHUTS
431
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,640
SHE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING
432
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,760
So, anyway, hi, Ollie, I'm home!
433
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,280
CAT MEOWS
434
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,040
Ta-da! Who's that?
435
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,960
What do you mean, who is it?
It's Mr Meowgi.
436
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,760
Wow.
437
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,200
All right, come on, Harry.
438
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,400
Ollie! Ollie!
Yeah?
439
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,640
Thank you, Mother!
440
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,560
It's... It's cool.
441
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:09,520
Come on, Harry, let's go to
the shed, it's boring in here.
442
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,680
Sorry, mate.
443
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,720
I'm glad you're home, even if
Ollie couldn't give a shit.
444
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,840
You all right, mate?
Where have you been?
445
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,720
Sorry, just been on
the phone to my mum.
446
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,600
Had to hang up, like, eight times.
She just wouldn't shut up.
447
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,280
Found the cat. Oh, nice!
448
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,360
Ollie wasn't bothered.
He wasn't? No, not at all.
449
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,040
Where've they gone? They've gone
out to the shed, have they? Yeah.
450
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,880
What's... What's this doing out?
451
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,320
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the kids got it out.
452
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,680
Who put this on?
Nice, I don't know...
453
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,920
Who put it on?!
I don't know. Are you OK?
454
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,640
What's wrong?
455
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:44,880
That's him.
456
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,280
Who's him?
457
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,720
That's HIM?
458
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,480
Oh, mate...
459
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,080
So hello.
460
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,640
This is the recipes.
461
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,800
For those of you who
don't know me, I am Alex.
462
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,520
I am Dan's younger,
better looking brother.
463
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:03,880
Right, Nic?
464
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,520
Oh, fuck.
465
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,640
Yikes.
466
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,320
But you can roll it in glitter
and, ladies and gentlemen,
467
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,080
isn't my brother sparkling today?
468
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,880
Give him a round of applause.
469
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:17,920
God, he hated that tie.
470
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,280
You know, I've never been able to
watch this all the way through.
471
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,040
Why not?
472
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,560
Cos it all fucking started
on my wedding day.
473
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,280
..trod dog shit all into the carpets
474
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,520
on the first day
he had his first car.
475
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,440
Stop! It's so fun! Stop it!
476
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,200
Oh, for God's sake. Oh...
477
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,520
The suits are good.
Oh, you think?
478
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,120
Yeah, I'm surprised.
What do you mean, you're surprised?
479
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,240
Suits never fit me,
especially when they're hired.
480
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,240
Moss Bros!
Yeah, it looks good on the botty.
481
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,040
Yeah, it does.
Still enough space to...
482
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,280
SHE LAUGHS ..cut the rug later.
483
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,280
Don't! For God's sake!
484
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,680
Just had a champagne with Mum.
Oh, no...
485
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,000
She went to the general
manager of the hotel...
486
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,800
Right, right.
..to specifically ask... Yeah?
487
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,720
..that no-one disturb her
while she practises the song.
488
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,520
Oh, God... Oh...
489
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,640
She's insane. Ugh!
490
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,720
Um... Are you all right?
Are you OK? Yeah.
491
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,000
Oh, God. Don't, you're
scaring me! What is it?
492
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,560
If I don't say, I'm never
going to say it. Um...
493
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,880
I just wanted to say that...
494
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,080
..I think you're amazing...
495
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,360
..and I think I'm in love with you.
496
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:35,640
LOUD CLATTER
497
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,800
Babe, I'm so sorry!
I couldn't find anywhere to park.
498
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,600
There were no spaces at all,
499
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,960
so I had to go and park
in the bloody golf club
500
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,960
and lug all of this
stuff from over there.
501
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,560
Oh... Can you imagine?
No. What a blooming nightmare.
502
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,040
I mean, how can a place
like this, of this scale,
503
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,560
have such a small bloody car park?
504
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,360
I have no idea.
Make it make sense.
505
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,760
Can we make it make sense,
please?! No, I don't...
506
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,760
Oh, gosh. The day!
507
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,640
My boyfriend was up all
night, yeah? Yeah?
508
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,720
My boyfriend was up all night
being sick. Oh...
509
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,160
Well, from every angle, really -
from the front and the back.
510
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,840
Because I gave him a fish pie
that I made on Monday on Saturday.
511
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,320
Because this bitch, he saw
me in my new Givenchy coat,
512
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,240
and he said to me that I look like
a character out of the Muppets.
513
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,600
Oh... That's...
514
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,200
That coat is beautiful. Yeah?
Very beautiful.
515
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,120
And I know, I know I shouldn't have
given him that fish pie,
516
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,320
but he hurt me. And when that fool
used to walk around town dressing
517
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,120
like he was in the Peaky Blinders,
did I say anything? No.
518
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,760
No, I didn't, because I knew
it would destroy him. Yeah.
519
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,680
Anyway, anyway, are we, are we,
are we excited about today?
520
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,640
Yes! Sorry! This is Alex.
Alex.
521
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,040
Jesus. Alex, this is Jesus.
Lovely to meet you, Alex.
522
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,920
Sorry, Jesus? Jesus, yes.
523
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,320
Um, babe, could you get me
a coffee, by any chance?
524
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,040
Yes, Jesus. Um...
How do you take it?
525
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,320
Cappuccino, please. No sugar.
526
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,320
Um.... It's a hotel, so there's
only instant in the rooms.
527
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,360
Don't they do cappuccinos
at the bar downstairs?
528
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:54,440
Yeah. Mm-hm? Brilliant.
Thank you very much.
529
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,520
Do you want the
chocolate dust on the top?
530
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,440
Everything, please.
Give me it all.
531
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,200
DOOR SHUTS
OK, he's a little bit sexy.
532
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,480
Mm-hm. I would like a
bit of that, please.
533
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,560
Yeah? Oh, I like him a lot.
534
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,560
I'm very happy for you,
you're in a good place.
535
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,200
But isn't it bad luck to see
the groom before you get married?
536
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,880
SHE SPLUTTERS Sorry, he's not the groom.
537
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:14,400
Absolutely not the groom.
538
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,840
Right... Sorry, he's not.
539
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,200
Um... Has anything changed
since the consultation?
540
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:19,480
You're still happy with...?
541
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,360
I was just wondering, possibly,
542
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,240
if I could have sort of shorter
lashes, if that was possible?
543
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,440
No. No? No, babe,
I really wouldn't know.
544
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,040
No, you need to trust me. Shorter
lashes do not photograph well.
545
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,120
OK. Could we go a bit neutral
on the lips, possibly?
546
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,640
No, I don't think so.
No? OK. Yep. Stick with the plan.
547
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,680
All right, let me get
started with your base.
548
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,120
DOOR OPENS
549
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:40,080
SUZIE: I'm sorry, but your
flower girl is a prick. Oh, I know.
550
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,320
I know she's only six but, my God,
she's a massive prick! I know!
551
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,120
And guess who organised
that one! Wonderful Carol.
552
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:48,000
Please don't make
me go back out there.
553
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,760
No, no, no, don't go back out there.
554
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,440
Carol, made me, FORCED me,
by the way, to have her. Ugh!
555
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,560
Have you seen
your mother-in-law yet?
556
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,040
Oh, God, no.
557
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,640
She's a piece of work too!
558
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,320
If I started stabbing her,
I would just never stop stabbing.
559
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,840
God, it's like she can't handle that
560
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,920
you'll be, like, the centre
of attention today.
561
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,400
She can't handle anybody
being the centre of attention.
562
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:08,920
And she tried to
palm Ollie off to me.
563
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,360
Hi, Carol!
564
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,440
Oh, Suzie! There you are!
565
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,080
Hi, Carol! OLLIE CRIES
566
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,160
You couldn't just take him for
a couple of seconds, could you?
567
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,080
I'm sorry, I can't.
568
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,920
Nicola? Yeah?
569
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,080
Please could you take
him for a minute?
570
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,120
Oh, just...
I've still got to get ready.
571
00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:27,760
I'm just getting
ready for my wedding.
572
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,560
But he just wants you.
573
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,960
He's just a bit tired, Carol.
574
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,920
Are you still all right to do me
afterwards? Yeah, we're good.
575
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,720
Am I paying for that? No.
576
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,920
No, I know, you just want
your mummy, don't you?
577
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,880
ALEX: Hey, cappuccino.
578
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,120
Oh, we are here!
Thank you, baby!
579
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,360
Are you good?
580
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,240
Hey, what's wrong, big man?
Why are you crying?
581
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,560
Oh, he just wants his mummy!
Why are you crying?
582
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,200
Silly Nana.
Mummy's getting married.
583
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,440
Oh... Come on. Come on, mate.
584
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,200
Let's go check the United score.
585
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,560
Say, "Bye, Mummy. Love you.
Love you lots."
586
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:00,720
Thank you.
587
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:02,840
You're not going to be
much longer, are you?
588
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,000
No... Mum, give Nic
some space, yeah?
589
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,200
All right!
Yeah. Come on.
590
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,880
I got you, I got you.
591
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,240
Did you notice that?
592
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,920
What? Alex.
593
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,280
What about Alex?
594
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,560
He's pulling away
from me.
595
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,360
Really? Yes,
I can feel it.
596
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:30,680
He's giving me that vibe,
like, the last couple of weeks.
597
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,280
Really? Yes! No... You
know when you just know?
598
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:34,800
Oh, my God, no, no,
no, no. Yes!
599
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,360
I didn't see your man.
600
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,440
What's he like? Tell me about him.
He's... Uh, Dan?
601
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,360
Um... He's very reliable
and sort of... Fantastic.
602
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,760
..like an A4 envelope, I suppose.
603
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,080
Cos you've got a lot of sauce,
I thought you need someone
604
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,160
that's going to be
quite sturdy in that way.
605
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,800
I saw him earlier and
he was grinning from ear to ear.
606
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,720
Really? Yeah. He looked
like a right dickhead.
607
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,160
Dan, you always did well at school.
You were brilliant at football.
608
00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,680
You took over the business from Dad
609
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,920
and you've absolutely
smashed that as well.
610
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,080
You excel at everything
you put your mind to, Dan.
611
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,000
And, of course, as
your little brother,
612
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,120
I did get jealous
every now and then.
613
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,280
And then Dan met Nic and I thought,
614
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,960
"Holy shit, he's done it.
615
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,440
"He's found the one."
616
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,440
He's found a unicorn,
617
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:20,520
a woman so funny she can
make you cry with laughter.
618
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,440
So witty and smart she
can tie us all in knots.
619
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,760
So beautiful - and I'm
sure you'll all agree -
620
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,120
that today she took
all of our breath away.
621
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:32,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
622
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,000
And you will never
find a better mother.
623
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,040
That's a round of applause, guys.
624
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,960
That's your cue for the
round of applause.
625
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
626
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:44,480
But most importantly, she is
really good at telling Dan
627
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,960
when he's being a massive bellend.
628
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,000
LAUGHTER
629
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,360
Dan, I love you.
630
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,080
Nic, I love you.
631
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,960
SPEECH FADES OUT
632
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,480
She stands before the mirror
633
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,720
Smiles at her reflection
634
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,360
Striking sexy poses in the glass
635
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,240
She paints her lips
a brilliant red
636
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,560
Piles her hair high on her head
637
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,480
Struggles to replace
a false eyelash
638
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,440
And all at once inside her mind
639
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,280
She sees him at the door
640
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:30,040
And as he's leading her away
641
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,320
She feels the room begin to sway
642
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,840
Where beauty lives in memory
643
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:40,840
She falls dead upon the floor
644
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,320
Mirror, mirror on the wall
645
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:51,920
Who's the fairest of them all?
646
00:28:51,970 --> 00:28:56,520
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