All language subtitles for The Neighborhood - 03x04-eng

Hey, Dave.
Oh, hey, buddy.

Hey, this came
while you guys were out,

so I just signed for it.

Ah, thanks.

No problem.

It's just what neighbors do.

Looks like you opened it.

Again, it's what neighbors do.

Calvin, this could have been
something personal or private.

I know.
I was pretty disappointed.

[rooster clucking]

'Sup, dudes?

Whoa, is that a rooster?

Yeah, man, why are you
walking your dinner?

This isn't dinner.
This is Beaker.

I'm Wyatt. I just moved
in the house behind you.

Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm-I'm Dave. This is Calvin.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

And welcome to the neighborhood
to you, little buddy...

Ow! No!

I get it.

Threatened by
another alpha male.

Yeah, seriously, though, man,
what's up with the rooster?

Well, I'm what some might call
an urban homesteader.

Oh, does that mean you
have a lot of wives?

No. Calvin, an urban
homesteader is someone

who lives in the city
but does things

you'd normally do on a farm.

[chuckles] Actually,

it's a little more sophisticated
than that.

See, I live a totally
sustainable lifestyle,

only eating from
my organic vegetable garden,

harnessing energy
from the sun and the wind.

Basically, trying not to be
just another parasitic leech,

sucking the life
out of Mother Earth.

Okay, yeah, I get it.
[chuckles]

This dude smokes a lot of weed.No.

Don't listen to him.

I think it's great that you're
trying to save the planet.

CALVIN [chuckles]:
Forget the planet.

You want to save that bird,

don't walk him
down Third Street.

It's a chicken joint
on the corner,

and you walking a number
four combo plate.

I know you think
that's funny,

but if you ask us,
it's finger-lickin' rude.

Well...

congratulations, Dave.Well, for what?

You're finally cooler
than a Black guy.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Hey, babe.

Why you reading that fiction

when you got a fantasy
right here?

Oh, yeah?
Well, what is it about?

Well, once upon a time,

there was all this.

Ooh.

You get in here, my
knight in shining armor,

and you storm my castle.

[laughs]

[Beaker crows]

Oh, no, not again.

Oh, b-babe, ignore it.

O-Or make ita part of the fantasy.

I'm a knightthat lives on a farm.

[both chuckling]

[Beaker crows]

You know what?
That damn bird

has been crowing for
the last three nights.

Come on, Tina.

I'm not trying to getrooster-blocked again.

[Beaker crows]

Uh, I-I'm sorry, Calvin.

I can't do this to
animal sounds going on.

I'm freaky, but not that freaky.

[Beaker crows]

Come on, Beaker. Knock it off!

[quietly]: Hey. How are we
supposed to get any sleep

with all that crowing going on?

[snoring]

Gemma. Gemma.

Gemma.

Huh? What?Oh, great.

Now the rooster
woke you up, too.

Dave, just ignore it.

[Beaker crows]

How can you possibly
sleep through that?

I-I grew up in Hickory Corners.

You learn real quick
to sleep through animal noises,

tractor engines and the
occasional exploding meth lab.

Well, since we're both up,

I do know one thing that'll
help me get back to sleep.

[snoring]

[Beaker crows]

Shut up, Beaker.
Stop rubbing it in!

Oh, hey, everybody.

Uh, Mom, I got
some laundry for you.

Okay, baby.Just leave it on the table.

All right.

Why can't Martydo his own laundry?

He is a grown man, not a child.

Plus, Mama,he ate the piece of pie

that I hid in the back
of the fridge.

I know he's not a child.

But look at these cheeks!
Hey, aw, come on.

[laughs]

Hey, Malcolm, what
can I say, man?

It ain't easy
being squeezy.

[laughs]

Well, I just don't know why you
let him take advantage of you.

He's not taking
advantage of me.

His apartment doesn't have
a washer and dryer.

And I don't want him having
to lug all his dirty laundry

to some sketchy Laundromat.

Yeah, she's right, Malcolm.
Look at these cheeks.

It ain't safe
out there, man.

[chuckles]

Well, I'm-a put these
in the washer right now.

You have no shame.

That's true.
But you have no pie.

[laughs]

Oh, hey, Calvin.

Calvin?

Hey. Calvin.[horn honks]

Pick a lane, jackass!

Let me guess: Wyatt's rooster's
been keeping you up, too?

Every night this week.

I'm so exhausted,
this morning,

I put my phone in the toaster
and tried

to call my mom on a bagel.

[Beaker crows]

You know what? That's it.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm going over there
to wring his damn neck.

Okay, Calvin, you can't just
go over there and kill Beaker.

Beaker?
I was talking about Wyatt.

Calvin, just hold on.

I know we're both
tired and grouchy--

which, I know for you,
is business as usual...

...but that doesn't mean
that violence is the answer.

Then what is?

We kill Wyatt with kindness.

I like the first half of that.

No, no. Calvin,
we're gonna go over there,

we're gonna bring him
some homemade cookies,

we're gonna say,
"Welcome to the neighborhood,"

and then we're gonna
bring up the rooster,

at which point, I'm sure
he's gonna be very reasonable.

D-Dave, please.
He'd be a fool to fall for that.

Would he? I got you
to stop mowing your lawn

so early in the morning.

Are you kidding me?

I got to sleep in
and I got cookies?

Who played who, Dave?

[knock on door]

Oh, hey, Mom. What
are you doing here?

Well, I finished
doing your laundry

and thought I'd bring it
over to you.

Oh, Mama, you didn't have to
come all the way over here.

I was gonna drop off
another load later tonight.

Well, actually,
I was also thinking

that maybe I could
take a nap here.

I just can't get
any rest at home

with that rooster crowing
all the time.

Yeah, no problem.
But I was just on my way out.

Some cast members from Star Trek
are doing a signing

at my favorite comic book store.

Captain's log: excited!
[chuckles]

Okay, baby, well,
go have fun.

And may the Force be with you.

Eh, ooh, um,

actually, that's Star Wars.

See, Star Trektakes place

in a completely
different universe

where there'sa united federa...[snoring]

[whoops] Look at that.

I'm half asleep already.

Point taken.

Uh, sleep well and prosper.

[sighs, groans] Thank God.

All right, so where
does he keep his pillows?

Pillows... Ah.

Yeah.

Oh, hell no!

I'm-a beam my foot up his ass.

Calvin, I'm telling you,
this is gonna work.

Wyatt is gonna love
my ladyfingers.

Yeah, I bet he's gonna
love your cookies, too.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, there, Wyatt.
[chuckles]

What you doing there?

Yeah, did we, uh,
catch you in a private moment?

Oh, no,
just churning some butter.

You want to take a tug?

I most certainly do not.

Uh, yeah, Wyatt, we just came by
to officially say

welcome to the neighborhood.

Oh, thanks, but no thanks.

I don't know about you,
but my conscience won't allow me

to support the sugar cartels.

Oh, well, I-I've never
heard of the sugar cartels.

And yet, you're a soldier
in their army.

L-Look, man, your rooster
has been crowing every night,

and no one around here
is getting any sleep.

Yeah, I hear you.
Beaker's a bit of a night owl.

Which is funny because my
night owl is a real early bird.

Great, then you'll do
something about it?

Oh, no.

Getting rid of Beaker
would upset

my delicate backyard ecosystem.

I don't want to play God.

That is his/her/their business.

You know what?

That's it. Old MacDonald is
about to get E-I-E-I-O'd.

No, uh, Calvin, no.

Hey, Wyatt,

we all really appreciate

what you're trying to do
for the planet, but, uh,

a-around here, we look
out for our neighbors.

[Beaker crows]
Mm.

Oops, got to go.

It's feeding time,
and Beaker hates to eat alone.

[Beaker crows]

Oh, keep your feathers on.

I'm coming!

You were right.
We got to whack that bird.

All right. You ready to do this?

Oh, yeah.
Let's choke this chicken.

If we go to jail for this,

you have got to stop
talking like that.

All right, let's go.Hold on.

Let me just get my pillow out.

A pillow? W-Why a pillow?

This is a bird-napping,
not a sleepover.

It's a part of my plan.

Look, if we just
steal the rooster,

Wyatt is gonna know that
it was us, which is why...

we're gonna make it look
like a coyote attack.

Why would a coyote
be carrying a pillow?

No. When we get into the yard,

we're gonna rip open the
pillow and throw feathers

all over the place.

Then...

we're gonna squirt this
fake blood everywhere.

After that, the only thing
that's left to do is to

grab the rooster, jam it in the
pillowcase, and then go home

to a good night's sleep.

Damn it, Dave.

That's the most brilliant plan
I've ever heard.

That's what I'm saying.
[shushing]

[grunting]

You knew there was a gate?

Yeah. I was gonna say something,
but then I thought, "Why?"

Okay, so where is he?He's right over there,

on top of the chicken coop.Ah.

Standing guard over the ladies.

Respect, respect.

Okay, you go grab him.

I'm gonna frame a coyote.

Okay, Beaker...

...this is nothing personal.

I just hate you
and I want you to die!

All right.

Get him, Calvin, get him!CALVIN: I'm trying.

But this sucker's fast.
He must be free-range!

Calvin, quit messing around.
Get him.

Look, I'm trying.

Okay, I got him, I got him.

Ooh.Calvin, nice work.
That was amazing.

I know. When it comes
to chasing chickens,

it's all about the footwork.

Come on. Let's get
out of here before, uh...

...that happens.

Go, go, go!

Oh, hey, Mama.

I'm surprised you're still here.Mm.

Well, I guess that's
the thing about surprises.

You never know when you're
gonna open a door and find one.

So, how was
the comic book store?

Oh, it was incredible.Mm?

I got my shirt signed
by two Klingons,

a Romulan and a Borg.

Well, that's wonderful, baby.

I'm glad you had fun.Yeah.

How about you?
Did you have a good nap?

Well, I ended up not taking one.

Oh, why not?

Well, you know, your
place is so nice,

I just got caught up
doing other things,

like watching your big TV and
enjoying your beautiful view,

and finding you have
a damn washer and dryer!

What? There's a washer
and dryer here?

I can't believe you.

Why would you lie to me?

Uh, well, uh,
technically, I didn't lie.

I just withheld the truth,
which, according to Dad,

there's a big difference.

All these years
I've been doing your laundry

when you could've been
doing it your damn self?

Actually, actually,
that's not true, either.

See, 'cause I never learned
how to do my laundry,

because you always did it
for me.

So, if you think about it,
this is kind of on you.

[clears throat]

It's on me?

No, no, no,
it's-it's on me.

[mutters nervously]It's on me.

Well, in that case,

this is on you.

Mama!

Oh! Mama.

This is a collector's item.
Why would you do that?

To give you a reason to learn
how to do your own laundry.

And you better do it quick
before that stains.

Oh, mama's log:

payback!

Wow.

I've never really seen
a rooster up close.

Yeah, me, neither.

They're weirdly
kind of beautiful.

Yeah, really is.

Okay, now, go ahead
and snap its neck.

What?

I can't do it. I'm not a killer.

I can't, either. I caught him.

He'd see it coming from me.

Uh-uh. Not me.
I can't do it.

Look, I know this is gonna be
hard for you to believe,

but I'm not
as hard-core as I look.

Okay. If you can't do it,
then I guess I'll do it.

Stand back.

Let me show you
how a gangsta takes out a bird.

[chuckles]

[grunts]

Ah, ooh, ah.

Ah...

[The Good, the Bad and the Uglytheme playing]

Ah, I can't.
Why not?

We made eye contact.
I saw his soul.

Saw whose soul?

Uh, uh, Calvin's. By the way,
beautiful soul, Calvin. Really.

[Beaker crows]

Oh, my God. Did you two
steal that guy's rooster?

Okay, look, I know,
I know it seems crazy,

but we tried talking to Wyatt,

and he wouldn't do
anything about it.

Which is why we had to steal it.

And now neither one of us
can bring ourselves

to send him to the big
chicken coop in the sky.

I can't believe you guys.

You are two grown men,

and you can't kill a rooster?

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa!

Come on, it's no big deal.

Back on the farm, I used to kill
chickens all the time.

You did?

Trust me,
once you've gone elbow-deep

to inseminate a cow,
you can do pretty much anything.

Wow.

Tina won't even stick
her fingers in a bowling ball.

Okay, okay, okay.

Stop, please.
I-I know what we can do.

We can drive him
out to the country

and leave him
at a, at a real farm.

You know what?
That's a great idea.

Stay here.
I'm gonna go get a box.

You... keep an eye on her.

Come on, please,
come out, come out, come out!

How's it going out here?

Terrible. The stain's spreading.

Oh, well, I am so glad
I switched from red to white.

It pairs so much better
with revenge.

You know,
how can you sit there

and just watch me
suffer like this?

You mean like
how you sat and watched me

do your laundry for years?

That's not true.
I never watched.

I just dropped it off and left.

[groans]
That's it.

I give up.
The shirt's ruined.

I hope you're happy.

No, I am not happy.

My own son lied to me
and treated me like the help

just because he was too damn
lazy to do his own laundry.

Mom, I didn't lie to you
because I was lazy.

Then why did you?

I don't want to say.

It's embarrassing.

Marty, you went out in public

dressed as an imaginary
space captain.

The embarrassing ship
has sailed.

Fine.

The truth is, the reason
I had you do my laundry

is so I had an excuse
to come home.

What are you talking about?

You don't need an excuse
to come home.

Yes, I do. Mama, I'm a grown man
living on my own.

I'm not supposed to run home

every time I get lonely
and miss you guys.

How does that look?

It looks like somebody
who loves his family.

No, more like somebody
who can't live without them.

Marty, that's a good thing.

Too many kids can't
wait to grow up

and get out of
their homes.

And the fact
that you love coming back

means that we have
something special.

You should never
be ashamed of that.

You're right, Mama.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

It's okay. I forgive you.

That's why I'm
gonna do this.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Mama! Why'd you do that?

You said you forgave me.

I do forgive you.

White wine is the only thing
that gets red wine out.

Wait, so the shirt's
gonna be okay?

Sure is.
Okay, awesome.
[laughs]

That means I won't
look ridiculous wearing it.

I never said that.

How's Beaker doing in there?
He seems pretty quiet.

He actually looks
pretty comfortable.

I think he knows that
we're taking him to a good home.

Hopefully, one without
someone like Gemma.

All I know is I'm looking
forward to a good night's sleep.

Yeah, me, too.

You don't feel bad about what
we're doing to Wyatt, do you?

Hell no.

This guy gets what he deserves.

Moving in with his stupid farm,
trying to save the Earth.

I mean, if you ask me,
it's just plain selfish.

Yeah.

You know what?
You're right.

He was driving everyone
in the neighborhood nuts.

You're damn straight.
W-We're the good guys here.

Good guys?
We're practically heroes.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying
that we deserve a holiday,

but I wouldn't be mad
at a parade.

Yeah...

I mean, seriously,
who keeps a rooster, anyways?

Yeah. Get yourself a dog.

That's a real pet.
[laughs]

Did you ever have a dog?

Yeah. Yeah, his name was Duke.

Best friend I ever had.

Don't you mean
second best friend?

I said what I said.

Well, what happened to him?

He ran away.

I left the gate open one day,
and when I came home,

he was gone.

Oh, man. That's awful.

Yeah, broke my heart.

Yeah, but this-this
is different.

Yeah, no, totally.

I mean, just 'cause
Wyatt took him for walks

and cared for him and...

gave him a name.

We're monsters!What have we done?!

I feel terrible.Yeah, me, too, man.
You know what?

W-We got to get Beaker home.

Yeah, turn the truck around.

Hold onto the box.Okay.

I miss you, Duke!

This is great. I've always
wanted to make my own butter.

You know what they say.

Once you go churn,
you never return.

Oh, hey, Calvin. Check this out.

Dave, please don't say my name
when you're doing that.

Hey, you know, I'm really
worried about my technique.

Am I doing this right?

Close. But do it like this.

CALVIN:
Oh.

That's it. Tina!

Throw out the butter!

From now on,
I'm eating my toast dry!

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