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1
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:04,230
- I'm worried about Nick.
- Too late for Nick.
2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,470
Perhaps you should
worry about Michael.
3
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:10,110
I sent him out to buy some Brie
for my strawberries au gratin.
4
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,270
Isn't that potatoes au gratin?
5
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,590
That's a side dish. This is dessert.
6
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,077
He should have been back hours ago.
7
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:23,994
Probably drinking the money at the pub.
He'll be back when it runs out.
8
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:27,277
I didn't give him cash.
1 gave him your bank card.
9
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,717
What?
10
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,073
What are you doing?
11
00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:36,710
I'm ringing to cancel my card
before Nick can do any damage.
12
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,154
(Bleeping)
13
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,119
What's this? Not now.
This is a text message.
14
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,510
I can't read these things.
What does it say?
15
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,389
- You have to get used to the codes.
- Or maybe wear your glasses.
16
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,039
It's from Nick.
17
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,875
- "Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris.”
-Gn...
18
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,634
"Prices 2 high,
so gn 2 Nice for chse.
19
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,554
"Don't worry about money.
I have Dad's bnk card.”
20
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,597
- Any reply?
- Yup, yup.
21
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,230
"Dr Nk, ur fd.”
22
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,950
Oh, come on.
23
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,552
Come on.
24
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,950
What the... What is this?
25
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,277
Nick!
26
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,630
I see you found my flags of all nations.
27
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:46,111
- Classic but never stale.
- What are they doing in my drawer?
28
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,636
- A good magician never reveals secrets.
- You're a magician?
29
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,599
And you found my cabinet of mystery.
30
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:57,320
The only mystery in this house
is why we allow you to stay here.
31
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,634
No, listen, Dad.
There could be big money in this.
32
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,350
If I make it, I'll buy you
a house of your own.
33
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:07,590
Yeah, I used to have one of those.
34
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,230
Spent ages thinking what to call myself.
35
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,231
Really? Should have come to me.
36
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,277
Marvo the Mystifier.
37
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,557
The Baffling Sandoval.
The Great Confuso.
38
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,916
The Waste of Space.
39
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,073
Then it came to me, Dad, in
a flash of light, a real winner. Get this.
40
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,758
Brian Miles.
41
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,512
Brian Miles?
42
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,035
That doesn't sound like a magician.
43
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,511
- Exactly. Catch ‘em on the wrong foot.
- Hell!
44
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,150
Pretty good,
but you have to work on the old patter.
45
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:48,313
Nick, I am just looking
for a tape measure.
46
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,711
- What do you want that for?
- Never mind.
47
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,873
Don't worry, Dad.
It's not the meat. It's the motion.
48
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,678
Nick...I am this close.
49
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,717
I see your problem.
50
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,910
Let me see if I can help.
51
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,394
Ah. Here it is.
52
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,040
My collapsible wand.
53
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,430
-Oh?
- You can hide it just about anywhere.
54
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,034
Really? Anywhere?
55
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,077
I've got a few ideas.
56
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,476
Never mind, Dad.
You've got a lovely personality.
57
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,230
(Plays out of tune)
58
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,877
Ben?
59
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,677
Ben!
60
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,953
Oh, it's stopped.
61
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:53,113
- What are you doing?
- It's all right. Pretend I'm not here.
62
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,714
Wasn't that one of your wedding vows?
63
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,757
Just doing some measuring.
64
00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:59,797
- Wallpaper?
- Soundproofing.
65
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,598
Is there something wrong
with how I play the cello?
66
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,194
No, no, no, no. You're very good at it.
67
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,511
So good, in fact, you can stop practising.
68
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,557
Please.
69
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,199
(Out of tune)
70
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,398
I'm playing the cello because I'm sad.
71
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,230
Now I'm sad.
72
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,834
Oh, the power of music.
73
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,957
Aren't you going to ask me why I'm sad?
74
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,839
No, cos it'll lead to a conversation.
75
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:33,318
I'm sad because somehow now Janey's
gone, the house seems somehow...
76
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,959
Better?
77
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:36,997
- Masculine.
- Ah.
78
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,277
The house is full of men
doing their men things.
79
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,910
Michael with his computer,
you with your soundproofing.
80
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,560
Nick with his Action Man repair business.
81
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,713
You're a little bit behind the times.
He's a magician now.
82
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:52,757
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
83
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,150
Well, you never know.
He might be good at it.
84
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:58,790
Well, he certainly made
20 years of our life disappear.
85
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,874
Mmm. Sometimes I wish
we'd had another girl.
86
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,510
What, like a spare, in case
one of them gets mislaid?
87
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:08,999
Yes.
88
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,630
But as it is, I'm left with
this aching void within.
89
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,637
I know.
90
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,552
What?
91
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,758
How about if I invite
a nice female friend for dinner?
92
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,354
- No.
- It would make me happy.
93
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,590
Mmm...no.
94
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,069
Oh, well, I'll just have to remain sad.
95
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,394
Alone with my music.
96
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,757
(Plays out of tune)
97
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,510
You know what's really pathetic
about this, Susan?
98
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,194
You've already invited
someone to dinner
99
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,874
and I know you've invited
someone to dinner
100
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,758
and you know I know.
101
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:52,357
That's what marriage is all about.
Not keeping secrets.
102
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,032
-Who is it?
- Abi?
103
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,952
- Abi?
- Your cousin's daughter.
104
00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,997
- She's three.
- Don't be ridiculous.
105
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,436
- She was the last time we met.
- She's in her 20s now.
106
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,830
Why can't people leave things be?
107
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,554
She just arrived in London
to start art college.
108
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:12,793
- Good. When does she go back?
- What's wrong? You don't know her.
109
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,589
Which is reason enough not to invite
her round. We know enough people.
110
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:20,913
I forget, Ben, to you, a stranger
is just an enemy you haven't met.
111
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,957
(Plays out of tune)
112
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,079
OK, pick a card, any card.
113
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,872
Not that one!
114
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,751
For God's sake,
they're all the same card anyway.
115
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,870
Ah, but I shuffled them.
116
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,997
- Ah, Michael.
- Oh, no.
117
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,037
This one or this one?
118
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:15,079
- Now I know what Janey was for.
- Come on, Michael.
119
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,037
Well, either.
120
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,872
- Michael!
- All right.
121
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:23,909
That one makes your eyes look red and
the stripes on that make you look fat.
122
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,914
You haven't quite got the hang of this.
123
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,355
No, I'm useless at it. Can I go?
124
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,954
No. We've got
the lipsticks to look at next.
125
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,350
Oh, God. Dad, help.
126
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,910
Tell her she looks fantastic in both,
but blue's her real colour.
127
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,514
No, Dad, she's turning me into a girl.
128
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,557
I hate this house.
129
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,430
Yup, seems to be working.
130
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:56,718
This is why it would be nice to have Abi
for dinner. An oestrogen fix for Mummy.
131
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,474
Hah! Damn hell fire, forgot.
132
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,110
Wednesday night, I've arranged
to see some patients. Sorry.
133
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,554
Oh, OK.
134
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,758
That's the night you've
invited Abi and I can't make it.
135
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,559
- Any other night but Wednesday.
- That's all right.
136
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,790
Cos she's coming tonight.
137
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,757
You said Wednesday night.
138
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,990
1 did, didn't 1?
139
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,558
Oh, that is so brilliant.
140
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,392
Thank you.
141
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,232
I need a drink.
142
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,910
Good evening, sir. How are you today?
143
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,755
Lovely jacket. Have you come far?
We've never met before, have we?
144
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,399
If only.
145
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,079
Just a minute, sir, is this your watch?
146
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,710
- Yes.
- Amazing, isn't it? Aren't you amazed?
147
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,990
No. I haven't worn
that watch for three days
148
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,789
since it disappeared
from my bedside table.
149
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,755
Thank you very much, sir.
Lovely gentleman and a great sport.
150
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,196
- That's great. So you call that magic?
- Exactly.
151
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:16,832
You see, cos when you think the trick
is happening, it's already been done.
152
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:18,319
Nick!
153
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,637
- Give me the watch.
- Say the magic word.
154
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,155
Hospital.
155
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,918
- I thought you'd wear your white suit.
- 1 can't find it.
156
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,560
It's probably with your smile.
157
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,190
I hope you're going to make an effort.
158
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,830
Believe me, Susan,
everything is an effort at the moment.
159
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:49,470
Anyway, she's obviously not coming,
so let's go to a restaurant.
160
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,678
- She said eight. Look at the time.
- It's four minutes past.
161
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,798
A deal's a deal. She's blown it.
Chinese or Indian?
162
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,032
What's your problem? You haven't
seen her since she was three.
163
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,431
- That tells you something.
- You took against a three year old?
164
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,273
She's not three any more. She's bigger.
165
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,149
- How do you know?
- That side of the family I can't stand.
166
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,358
- It's your side.
-I should know what I'm talking about.
167
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,750
- Look at her father.
- He's charming.
168
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,514
He's charming, all right.
He's charming.
169
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:22,629
Charmed his way through two marriages,
three bankruptcies and...Jennifer Boyd.
170
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,234
- Jennifer who?
- My first girlfriend.
171
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:30,156
Lovely, but fickle. Lured away
by a Kit-Kat and a copy of Bunty.
172
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,190
Don't worry. You'll get over her.
173
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:37,717
The only other time I see Richard
is when he wants to borrow money.
174
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,710
Which reminds me of someone.
175
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,317
Hello, Dad.
176
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,194
- Can I borrow some money?
- No.
177
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,398
Before you say no,
wait till you hear what I want it for.
178
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,949
-Go on.
- Doves.
179
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,199
- No.
- Come on. Every magician needs doves.
180
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:07,193
How else is Brian Miles
gonna make a name for himself?
181
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,237
As a murder victim.
182
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:13,398
Nick, darling, no doves.
You're not good with pets.
183
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,312
Remember the goldfish incident?
184
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:19,155
-I was six.
- You put Alka-Seltzer in his bowl.
185
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,312
I thought he'd like a Jacuzzi.
186
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,837
Scooby-Dooby-Doo.
187
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,474
Nick, that, er...suit.
188
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:39,190
Great, innit? I had to dye it obviously.
189
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,000
Give it a bit of
the old Brian Miles mystery.
190
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,151
Shazam!
191
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,517
Tell me, Nick, it wouldn't,
by any chance, have been white?
192
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,557
Yes.
193
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,996
- White...white linen?
- That's right.
194
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,072
- Where'd you get it from?
- Oxfam shop, 90p.
195
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,758
- It's mine, isn't it?
- Was, Dad.
196
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,720
- I donated it last week.
- Why didn't you just take it?
197
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,950
Come on. That would be stealing.
198
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:14,351
Plus now we're 90p closer
to ending world hunger.
199
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,910
Nick, you are
the most idiotic, exasperating...
200
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,594
Abi's late. Why don't you two
go out for a nice meal?
201
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,479
He has a point. The sooner
we leave, the sooner we eat.
202
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,074
Don't blame Abi
if you don't like her father.
203
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,470
You're nothing like any of your children.
204
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,318
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
205
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,993
(Doorbell)
206
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,390
- Say something else nice.
- Get the door.
207
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,677
No. I was thinking more on the lines of,
208
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,674
"You are the most amazing lover
in the history of love.”
209
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,034
(Doorbell)
210
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:51,115
Just get the door and if you behave
tonight, perhaps we'll test your theory.
211
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,157
I'll get the door.
212
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:57,074
- (Knocking)
- Coming. All right, I'm coming.
213
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,157
- Hello.
- Are you all right?
214
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:05,119
Yes. Yes, I'm fine. I'm Abi, by the way.
215
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,316
- God, we'd better get you to casualty.
- What about her?
216
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:15,678
- Get the first-aid kit. Abi, sit down.
- Thanks. I almost forgot. This is for you.
217
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,878
- Oh!
- Don't just stand there, do something.
218
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,474
I'm all right. I just need a handkerchief.
219
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,678
- It's OK. Leave it to me. Here, use this.
- Thank you.
220
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,270
I can't understand how it happened.
221
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,115
It's quite simple.
You put your fist through the window.
222
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:54,118
- The glass must be faulty.
- Yes, that must be it.
223
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,510
The glass must be faulty (!)
224
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:59,718
- Why not? It happens.
- It never happens to me.
225
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,918
- It happens to me all the time.
- Does that say something?
226
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,674
- You're spoiling a lovely evening.
-I'm sorry.
227
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,798
Waiter, champagne, please.
228
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,917
So, Abi, how's your mum and dad?
229
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,231
Mum ran off, Dad's a bastard
and my stepmum's a whore.
230
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,154
That's nice. And your little sister?
231
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,754
Much better.
They're letting her out soon.
232
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,797
Things are looking up, then.
233
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,838
Yeah. That's what I thought
when I came down here.
234
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:29,800
Get away from the family,
college, new life, new people.
235
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,632
Same old crap.
236
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,633
- So how's the course going?
- Crap.
237
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,030
You must have met
some nice people your age.
238
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,872
No, they're crap.
239
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,270
- And the teachers?
- Crap.
240
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,637
Surely you're enjoying
the wild parties, the clubbing...
241
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:49,157
- Not really. They're all a bit...
- Would you like to borrow a thesaurus?
242
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,878
Look, I'm just a bit depressed, all right?
243
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,871
We understand.
244
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,999
No. You invited me out to dinner
and I've ruined your whole evening.
245
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,912
There's still three hours to go.
246
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,118
Who knows what might happen next?
Avalanche, tsunami?
247
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:09,273
- Divorce.
- You must think I'm a right cow.
248
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:15,078
What a way to thank you
for all the things you've done for me.
249
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,912
Yeah...
250
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,317
What things?
251
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,550
You never forget my birthday.
252
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,517
- Don't we?
- No, Ben.
253
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,557
We always send a card, every year.
254
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,598
- Oh, right.
- There's all the wonderful presents.
255
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,637
Christmas and birthday.
256
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,475
I don't remember sending presents.
Do we send presents?
257
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:40,599
- The usual stuff.
- Pop socks, Just Seventeen Annual...?
258
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:45,117
- That sort of thing.
- I wouldn't call £500 "That sort of thing".
259
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,119
- £500?
- She was speaking metaphorically.
260
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,352
Oh, right. A metaphor
in which £500 means...
261
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:58,230
£500. That cheque you sent me when
my dad embezzled my student loan.
262
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,393
- I was amazed.
- Yeah, so would I have been.
263
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,391
Even more amazing was
the second time it happened.
264
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,869
You sent me another £500.
265
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,871
I was speechless.
266
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,990
- £1,000!
- You weren't using it.
267
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,390
- That's how it works.
- It was lying there.
268
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,359
In a high interest account
earning me money.
269
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,353
- For the kids.
- Look on the bright side.
270
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,080
Your relationship
with your cousin's daughter.
271
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:36,233
It was a good distant acquaintance
and you turned it into a relationship.
272
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,438
There's no going back.
We've been in Casualty together.
273
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,195
I'm sure you'll find your way back
to cold indifference.
274
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:48,036
You've got to help me. No more cards,
no more presents, no more £500.
275
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:52,193
But you saw the look on her face
when we dropped her off. So alone.
276
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,398
Well, let's keep it that way, OK?
Safer for all.
277
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:03,157
Nick, how many times have we asked
you not to barge into our room?
278
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,390
Ah, you can see me.
279
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,837
Yes, that is the tragedy
of your existence.
280
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:15,312
- Yes. What do you want?
- 1 need a woman.
281
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,630
Have you tried washing your armpits?
282
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,272
No, I need a woman for a trick.
283
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,510
Your mum's busy.
I'm giving her an earful.
284
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,355
Whatever floats your boat.
I only need her for a moment.
285
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:32,757
- Is it dangerous?
- Dangerous...dangerous? Could be.
286
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,511
Try Michael.
287
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,910
It has to be a woman.
288
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,038
- Why?
- It is called sawing a woman in half.
289
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,150
- She'll be down in a second.
- Great.
290
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:49,078
And, Mum,
1 think you'll like the new twist.
291
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,710
- Listen...
- I wonder how Janey is.
292
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:58,237
It can't be very nice being at college in
a strange town away from your parents.
293
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:02,757
- Cold and alone.
- This isn't about Janey, is it?
294
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,354
- Who else would I be talking about?
- Abi.
295
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,831
- You're worried, too. That's sweet.
- She'll be down in a second.
296
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,993
- I should call and see if she's all right.
- Leave her. She's not your concern.
297
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,754
- You're right. You call her.
- No.
298
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,150
- She's your niece.
- She is not my niece.
299
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:22,677
She's my cousin's daughter.
There's not even a name for what she is.
300
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,319
All right.
301
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,075
Stop it. We've done our duty.
We gave her meal.
302
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,039
A packet of Quavers from
the hospital vending machine.
303
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,636
We took her home. We walked her
to the door. What do you want us to do?
304
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,314
- Read her a bed-time story?
- There's no answer.
305
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,914
- It's past midnight.
- She could be unconscious.
306
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,957
So could I, if you just shut up.
307
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,550
We should drive over
and see if she's OK.
308
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,234
- No. Susan, go to sleep.
-I can't. 'm too tense.
309
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,630
You are not driving over to Abi's place.
310
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,234
No. I'm going to play my cello.
311
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,637
All right, I'll drive.
312
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,918
- The house seems very quiet.
- Yes, good. Let's go.
313
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,755
- All the lights are off.
- That's because she's asleep.
314
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,514
How do you know she's
not drowning in her own blood?
315
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,070
Because she left most of it
on my favourite shirt.
316
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:17,351
- Poor Abi.
- Yeah, shame, isn't it?
317
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,550
- (Starts engine)
- (Stops engine)
318
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,154
Any man would get out,
go over there and check.
319
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,631
1 think you know by now,
Susan, I am not any man.
320
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,593
No, You're her uncle...ish.
321
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,753
It won't take a minute just to wander
over there and ring the doorbell.
322
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,037
Great. And wake up the whole house.
She's had an accident.
323
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,714
- She needs her sleep.
- All right.
324
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,314
Just wander over
and see if you can see her.
325
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:49,157
OK. Oh, dear. I seem to have
forgotten my X-ray goggles.
326
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:53,154
If you can't get a boy to do
a man's job, get a woman.
327
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,714
OK. Bye, then.
328
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,392
Abi!
329
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,517
Hello?
330
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,637
Are you sleeping?
331
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,557
(Mobile rings)
332
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,710
- Hello?
-'Hi, it's Abi.'
333
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,758
- Abi?
- Listen, I'm really scared.
334
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,514
There's a weird man creeping
around outside.
335
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,230
No. Abi, it's OK. It's all right. It's Susan.
336
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,073
But you sound like Ben.
337
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:49,674
Yes, it is Ben.
338
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,512
No, it's Susan who...
339
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,991
I haven't got time. He's outside
the window. I'll deal with it.
340
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,639
- Abi.
- Don't worry.
341
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,633
That pervert is gonna get
one hell of a surprise.
342
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,270
Abi! Abi! No, no. Oh, God.
343
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,874
Susan? Su...
344
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,672
Susan? Susan?
345
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,910
There you are. Scared to be on your own.
346
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:20,756
- No. Listen, this isn't a good idea.
- Why?
347
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:25,277
Abi's just called up on your mobile
and she's about to do something...
348
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,550
Oh, look, Cat Deeley's got our cushions.
349
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,277
(Cooing)
350
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,157
What's that noise?
351
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:04,992
My doves.
352
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,037
They're hungry.
353
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,037
(Cooing)
354
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,590
Give us that shirt. I need to wash it.
355
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,638
- It's my favourite.
- You've worn it for three days.
356
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,111
- That's because it's my favourite.
- Don't worry. Leave it to me.
357
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,714
Sim Salabim!
358
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:38,353
Thank you. Michael, put on your second
favourite shirt. We're going shopping.
359
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,434
- Oh, no, not more dresses.
- Even better. I need more shoes.
360
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,756
Is my life gonna be like this forever?
361
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,514
Not forever. She's got to die one day.
362
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,834
Chill out, little man. I'd give my right arm
to go on a shopping trip.
363
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:59,232
- Not to Dolcis.
- Think of all those women's naked feet.
364
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,159
-Eh?
- Maybe it's just me.
365
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,555
- What happened to you?
- I married your mother.
366
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,995
Well, it only proves my point.
I said Abi lived in a dangerous area.
367
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:20,835
- It wasn't dangerous till you got there.
- Of course it was.
368
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,673
Why else would a girl keep a cricket bat
under her bed?
369
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,354
Because she's a walking catastrophe.
370
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,590
She's a vulnerable and lonely girl.
371
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,753
That spiky exterior is hiding
a delicate and beautiful heart.
372
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,513
Like a conker.
373
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,557
Yes, like a conker.
374
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,758
- She's damaged, Ben.
- She's damaged? Hah!
375
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,913
Thanks to her I've got a broken window,
a ruined shirt, a battered head
376
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,957
and I've spent six hours in Casualty
377
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,554
and you wonder why I never want
to see her again.
378
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,756
(Doorbell)
379
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,912
Hello.
380
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,719
- Who was that?
- Wrong house.
381
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,918
Hello, darling.
What a nice surprise. Come in.
382
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,594
- Wrong house, eh?
- Not her, me.
383
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:15,073
I just wanted to say
thank you for last night. It was lovely.
384
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:19,233
Oh, yes, it was lovely having
my head whacked by a cricket bat.
385
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,073
You see? Things like that
happen all the time.
386
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,915
Anyway, let's not dwell on the past.
Is your landlady still grumpy?
387
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,118
- She threw me out.
- For causing a disturbance?
388
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:34,718
She's pretty strict. She's got this stupid
rule. "Ten strikes and you're out.”
389
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,679
I suppose I'll find somewhere else.
390
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:42,391
I wouldn't worry. There'll always
be a place for you in Casualty.
391
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,790
Ignore him. He's got concussion.
392
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:50,114
Anyway, I just came to say...you know.
393
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,714
What, goodbye forever?
394
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:54,757
No. Thank you.
395
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,870
And I brought you this.
396
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,110
(Glass rattles)
397
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,634
I wouldn't shake it. It's breakable.
398
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,472
- Isn't that sweet, Ben?
- Yes.
399
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,678
When I chuck it in the bin,
I'll think of you.
400
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:17,197
Well, you were so Kind to me.
It's nice having a family.
401
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,237
Families are great.
402
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:23,393
And what's best about
a family is being altogether...
403
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,437
in a family.
404
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,678
Tell me, Abi, something's
really bothering me and, er...
405
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:36,833
Did, by any chance, Susan ring you
this morning to invite you over?
406
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,878
- I'm not allowed to say.
- It's all right.
407
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,918
- It's all right. I won't be angry.
- Yes, she did.
408
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:49,676
- Bloody hell! Susan, what's going on?
- It's only for a couple of months.
409
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,400
- Till I find my feet.
- She can have Janey's room.
410
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,757
- What for?
- Ben, really, you're not that concussed.
411
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,799
- (Mutters angrily)
- Ben, please, can we keep her?
412
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,150
- No!
- I'll get my suitcase.
413
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,992
I said no.
414
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,959
Susan said you'd say no
before you'd say yes.
415
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:09,997
It's only a matter of time.
416
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:17,877
(Cooing)
417
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,950
Hey, Nick, you'll never guess what.
418
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:27,792
- Mum's French.
- No.
419
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,518
- Dad's French?
- No.
420
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,558
- Dad's gay?
- No. Abi's coming to live with us.
421
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,678
Really? How interesting.
422
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,469
Yes, it's great. She'll be the ideal buffer
between me and Mum.
423
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,710
Yes.
424
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,711
And I do need a woman.
425
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,197
Sim Salabim.
426
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:54,280
Tell me, this idea of asking Abi to move
in, when did it first occur to you?
427
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,034
- Well...
- Was it when you saw her lodgings?
428
00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:59,270
- No.
- Was it last night in Casualty?
429
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,352
- Of course not.
- Was it when she broke the window...
430
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:07,640
or maybe it was before
you even mentioned Abi to me at all?
431
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,279
You know what they say.
432
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:13,194
When you think the trick is happening,
it's already been done.
433
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,874
(Crash)
434
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,950
Honestly, what stupid idiot
left this cello on the floor?
435
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:29,111
Yup, perhaps there's
an upside to this after all.
436
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:47,997
Nick, where's Michael? I'm sure he'd like
to keep me company at the hairdresser's.
437
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,071
Sorry, haven't seen him.
438
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,030
(Michael) Ow!
34849
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