All language subtitles for Dalziel.and.Pascoe.S02E03.Dead.Heads.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor

I beg your pardon

(tennis ball thwacking)

I never promised
you a rose garden

Along with the sunshine

There's got to be a
little rain sometime

When you take, you gotta give

So live and let live or let go

(rose snips)

- Uncle Eddie used to that.

- It's called deadheading.

(snips)

- Uncle Eddie told
me you cut off the

deadheads so the young
flowers can grow.

- Thank goodness you are
interested in something young
man.

(racquet thumping)

Would you like to try?

- Yes, please, Auntie.

- See where the leaf
joins the stem,

there's a tiny bud.

That's the bud we want
to encourage to grow.

A clean cut.

Don't let the petals
fall on the ground.

Some people prefer
to use secateurs,

but there's always
a risk of crushing.

Be careful its very sharp.

(dramatic music)

Patrick!

(slow dramatic music)

(thumping sound)

(footsteps running)

- Mum!

Mum!

(slow piano and sax music)

- Patrick!

Patrick, school time!

- I'll be late, Daddy!

- Coming!

(people talking in restaurant)

- Give him my regards,
won't you?

What's up with you?

You look like you slept
under a hedge.

- A rhododendron bush.

- Your sexual aberrations
are your business peter.

- Waiting for a gang of
housebreakers who

failed to keep their
appointment.

- You can't rely on criminals
these days.

What're you doing this morning?

- Finishing my coffee,

writing a report on
a wasted night,

then I'm gonna have
a nice sleep.

- Add to that list
seeing Dick Elgood.

- Who's Dick Elgood?

- Came up from nowt.
Sharp. Influential.

Not short of a bobachuk.

Bit of a lad.

He's had more women than
you've had rhododendron bushes.

And I owe him a favor.

- YOU owe him the favor
and I have to see him?

- I told you're good,
so do your best.

- Thank you.

What I'm going to say
is likely libelous.

I won't admit to saying
it outside this room.

- My word against
yours you mean.

- He said you were good.

- Sorry I didn't get
any sleep last night.

- Those were the days.

- Would you like to share this
libelous statement with me?

- Well, there's this
feller in our company,

and I think...

I think he's killing people.

- People? Like, more than one?

- More than one.

- Can you give me names
of these people?

- No, and shut the book.

I told you son I'm not here.

- Bearing in mind
you're not here,

what does your company
do Mr. Elgood?

- You don't know.

The big feller didn't tell you?

- No.

- Have you ever noticed
the name "Elgood"

on your journey through life?

- Hang on it's...

- Washbasins, baths,
water closets and urinals.

- I must've...

- Must've relieved yourself
all over me many a time.

- I suppose so.

- People come and go,

but waste products are
ETERNAL Mr. Pascoe.

Urine and excreta to you

bread and butter to me.

Of course, we were taken
over in the '80s.

We're now part of ICE.

- ICE?

- Industrial Ceramics of Europe.

I'm head of the UK division.

But the name still stands.

Did you know there's a
gents in Huddersfield

that's a listed building?

- I promise to pay it a visit
next time I'm in Huddersfield.

And I promise to keep
my notebook closed

if you'll give me the name
of this alleged killer.

- Alderman.

Patrick Alderman.

- When will you have
your car back?

- Probably the day
after tomorrow.

Its only a scratch.

- What the hell is that?

(people chanting and protesting)

- No opting out!

Opt-out equals cop-out!

No opting out!

-[Crowd] Opt-out equals cop-out!

No opting out...

- Will you be all right?

- Of course.

I could run you home.

- I need to talk to Ms.
Dillinger about violin classes.

No, I'm going into town later.

- I'll run you into town.

- Honestly darling,
there is no need.

I'll walk or I'll take a bus.

- I've never been on a bus.

- According to Mr Elgood,
he opened the door

and it came crashing down.

- On top of him?

- No he jumped out of the way.

But it did this to his car.

You an expert on the finer
points of door tampering?

- No but I know a man who is.

(rain pattering)

- Look as if you need a lift.

- That's awfully kind of
you, but I'm going into town.

- So am I.

- See you were...

- Demonstrating against the
takeover of a village school

by bourgeois middle
class values.

I'm a woman of principle.

Do you mind?

- I know all about principles.

My father was a clergyman.

- I'm not proud. Get in.

- All right.

(engine whirring)

(water splashes)

He's a lovely little boy.

- Girl.

- In blue?

- I don't believe
in stereotyping.

-[Daphne] What's her name?

- Rose.

- My husband grows roses.

- I grew this one.

Do you fancy a coffee?

-[Daphne] All right.

- So Dick Elgood's
finally flipped, has he?

- It's a point of view.

- Tell me the story.

I'm a good judge of lunatics.

- Friday morning,

Elgood and Alderman
had a row at work.

Friday evening,

Elgood goes to his office,
switches on that lamp

and gets an electric shock.

- You've had it checked?

- Frayed wires.

Normal wear and tear.

- Saturday morning, Elgood
goes to his garage to get

his car out and open rollover
door comes crashing down.

- You had that checked?

- Normal wear and tear.

- You surprise me.

- But these incidents
reminded Elgood of two

suspicious deaths at the company
the last couple of years.

Brian Dixon the financial
director.

- Crushed to death
by a table lamp?

- Car accident after a
Christmas party.

No other vehicle involved,
icy road,

alcohol level well
over the limit.

According to Elgood

Alderman was plying him
with drink all night.

The other one was Timothy
Eagles, the chief accountant.

- Electrocuted by his
pocket calculator?

- Had a heart attack
in the washroom

he shares with Alderman.

- How did he organize that?

Replace his tablets
with Smarties?

- I'm simply reporting what
your friend told me, sir.

- Did my friend suggest
a motive?

- Yeah Alderman wants to be
the chairman of the board.

He's working his way
through the ranks.

- By killing them off?

- I know this is Yorkshire,
but this is the daftest yet.

Constructive suggestions?

- Forget the whole thing.

Concentrate on these
housebreakers.

- Sir, I have another
constructive suggestion.

- Good lad.

Why can't you be like
Sergeant Wield?

- Monday morning,
there was trouble

in the multistory.

Half a dozen cars vandalized.

But one of them belonging
to Mrs Daphne Alderman,

Rosemont House, Garfield.

Wife of the alleged
homicidal maniac.

Seems like a good
excuse to call.

Have a look at the man.

- It's a bit shifty
and on the hand.

- Isn't that in line
with our policy?

- Precisely.

(crowd talking)

- What do they put in this?

- Everything they serve
here is full of sugar,

caffeine, cholesterol
and animal fat.

Serves you right for consorting
with the enemy within.

- Why shouldn't schools opt out?

- So the ruling classes
can keep the best for

themselves as usual.

- You really are an
enemy within aren't you?

(bell rings)

- Mrs Pascoe! How are you?

- Fine, thank you
Mr. Wedderburn.

- This is Police Cadet
Sanjay Singh.

This is Mrs Pascoe, Detective
Inspector Pascoe's wife.

- Nice to meet you Mrs.

- Good to meet you.

Are you happy in your work?

- I'm going to be the link
with the ethnic community,

but I'm doing traffic
at the moment.

- Great cup of tea and a
lecture on the rush hour.

Nice to see you, Mrs Pascoe.

Bonny bairn but that's
as expected.

- Well! Mrs Pascoe!

- What?

- Is it possible to
be an enemy within

when your husband is an
arm of the state apparatus?

- You're a smart lady, lady.

- I went to a very good
fee-paying school.

- I've got a job of my own,

and a life of my own,

and my husband's an honest cop.

What's yours?

- Patrick's an accountant
with ICE.

- With what?

- ICE - the bathroom people.

ICE (UK) PLC, to get
that whole title.

- I bet they've got a
hell of a logo as well.

- Hi!

- Tennis club or Young
Conservatives?

- Mandy Burton.

She runs a stall in the market.

- Mandy of Mandy's Nick-Nacks?

- Yes her husband used
to work with Patrick.

- Used to?

- He died four years ago.

- She seems quite young.

- So was he.

He fell off a ladder.

(footsteps on gravel)

- Mrs. Alderman you parked
your car at the multi-story

at what time?

- 9.15 or something like that.

I dropped my daughter
off at school,

and drove into town
to do some shopping.

-[Wield] And you returned
to your car at 3 o'clock?

- Yes the police were
already there.

Other people had found
the car is damaged and...

- You must've been heavily
laden with shopping?

- Very little.

I was having a browsing day.

You know the Market,
library, the bookshop.

- When you parked your car,

did you see anyone
hanging about?

-[Daphne] Hello, darling!
These gentlemen are

from the police.

- Detective Sergeant Wield.

- Police Cadet Singh.

- Hello.

Forgive my butting in Sergeant,

but as I understand it vandals

don't get up early
and lie in wait.

Isn't it more of
an impulse thing?

- I'm sorry, sir.

Most of this may seem
boring and irrelevant.

- Can I play on the swing?

- Of course darling, I'll
come and give you a push

as soon as the sergeant
is finished.

- I want HIM to push me.

- I really don't...

- No, no, no I don't mind.

I've got little sisters.

I'm brilliant with kids.

(kid laughing)

- Have you finished, Sergeant?

- Yes.

Thank you, Mrs Alderman.

If you've things to do...

- I have to feed my family.

- I'll admire the roses
till the children are ready.

- Oh, are you interested
in flowers?

- It's my ambition
to have a garden

instead of a window box.

- I should warn you,
Sergeant, my husband

is an enthusiast and
an evangelist.

- I'll show you around.

Sorry about this but

its the only way
to keep control.

- Do you do all the gardening?

- In my uncle Eddie's day,

great-uncle to be precise,

there was a full-time
gardener Old Caldicott.

Times change.

Now, we have Young
Caldicott who calls

himself a gardening consultant,

and comes here twice
a week in a shiny van

in accordance with
a written contract.

But I'm the only one who's
allowed to touch the roses.

They're the center of my life.

One day, I hope to
create my very own.

- What about your work?

- Plenty of room round the
edges to earn a decent living.

But why should crude
economic reality

hinder a man from growing into

the fullness of his own nature?

- Quite so.

That's a fine-looking
instrument.

- It belonged to my uncle Eddie.

But it was my great aunt
who showed me how to use it.

Removing dying blooms is
a sad but necessary task.

A lover of roses prefers to use

the quickest and kindest
instrument available.

-[Singh] Any joy, Sarge?

-[Wield] He's going to get me
miniatures for my window box.

- Am I allowed to talk?

- As long as I'm not
compelled to listen.

- That Mrs Alderman she was
in the market caf yesterday

morning with Mr Pascoe's wife.

- Fascinating.

- She couldn't have
been browsing

in the library on Monday.

Because the library
doesn't open on Mondays

on account of the courts.

(commentary from TV)

- I need to know whether
you're seriously

investigating Patrick Alderman.

- Because you've got
another coffee

date with Daphne Alderman?

- Tomorrow.

- Two deaths - one drunk driver,

one heart attack.

Both well and truly cremated,

so there's not a shred
of evidence.

- So you're not investigating
Patrick Alderman?

- The Fat Controller
thinks it's daft.

- Good.

- But there could be something
lurking in yon greenhouse.

So keep an eye on things
while I'm away, sunbeam.

- Where's he going?

- London, an international
conference on

community policing.

- God help London.

- Smart-arse Yanks
come to tell us

how to do our job,
with videos of

riots in Los Angeles to
prove how clever they're.

- But if he thinks there's

"summat in yon greenhouse",

that means you ARE investigating

Patrick Alderman.

- Not exactly.

On the one hand, I am.

On the other hand, I'm not.

I say that was pretty
straightforward.

It's the way that the
fat man operates.

If it turns out as daft
as we all think it is,

I'LL be the one who
looks like an idiot.

- In amongst all this
HIGHLY professional

investigation, has anybody
mentioned a man called

Burton?

- The famous explored who was
married to Elizabeth Taylor?

- It's only bit of girly
gossip over coffee with Daphne,

but Chris Burton was an
accountant with Elgood's.

He fell off a ladder and
Patrick Alderman got his job.

- Would you like MY job?

- I have got a job.

I'm a struggling novelist.

(footsteps)

- Normal wear and tear.

- That was the expert view.

- And the garage door?

- Likewise.

- Fair enough.

I made a pillock myself.

We'll forget the
whole thing now.

- You're officially
withdrawing your complaint

Mr. Elgood?

- I never officially made one.

- What about Chris Burton?

- What about him?

He fell off a ladder
and broke his neck.

- Yeah and Patrick Alderman
got his job.

It's as easy to sabotage
a ladder as a garage door.

- Mr. Pascoe I've done
my duty by my old mate,

Andy Dalziel.

I've given him a
right good laugh.

You too, I dare say.

Let's just leave like
that shall we?

- It's your complaint,
Mr Elgood.

- And there is NO complaint.

- Noted.

Is this the family album?

- Oh, yeah.

Works outings, when we had them.

- There's someone here
called Alderman.

- Yeah Patrick's great-uncle
Eddie.

He was a genius.

He was to balance sheets what

Freddie Trueman was
to fast bowling.

He could have been a
multimillionaire

but his mind turned.

Happier with his roses.

- Another rose fancier.

(whistling)

(slow dramatic music)

- Excuse me can I help you?

- No, thanks.

Yes tell me about the rose.

- It's called Blue Moon.

- Blue moon means improbability.

- We all need little
improbability in life.

Don't we?

The thing is having the
courage to accept it. Yes?

- It symbolizes improbability.

- It symbolizes you're
going around the bend.

That's what comes
of hanging about

a bog factory.

What did Dick Elgood
have to say?

- He says drop the inquiry.

- So drop it.

- What about Chris Burton?

- He fell off a ladder.

It happens all the time.

- No it doesn't.

- If you're gonna start
quoting statistics

I will throw you out
of the window.

- Patrick Alderman
was unemployed.

Elgood gave him a part-time job

because his great-uncle
had been a mate.

And Burton falls off the ladder

and suddenly there's a vacancy
for a company accountant.

- There was an investigation
and an inquest.

accidental death.

The man went for a Burton.

(door knocks)

Yes?

- Sir it's about
Patrick Alderman.

- Has he given you
a rose and all?

- No, but he's getting
me some miniatures.

- Single malt?

- Flowers for my window box.

- God give me strength.

What is it?

- A report on my visit
to the house.

- Go on, then report on
your visit to the house.

Then we can close the
inquiry and make it short.

- Sir, he seems more
interested in

his roses than he
is in his family.

- There's 1000s of men
like that, more interested

in dogs and darts and Dominos

than they're in their families.

Doesn't make them killers.

- He's not so much interested

more like passionate.

- I watched him deadheading
the roses.

It was like watching a
painter or a surgeon.

- Have you checked he's got
a license for his secateurs?

- Doesn't use secateurs.

He uses a pruning knife.

- A non secateur.

- I dare say he's got some
weedkiller in his shed.

I suppose you have a
theory that he blew

some of it up Chris Burton's
trouser leg,

causing him to fall
off his ladder.

- No we have got something a
bit more interesting than that.

Patrick Alderman
changed his name

when he inherited the house.

- Why? Was he called
Shufflebottom or something?

- No, he was called Highsmith.

- After his father?

- Highsmith was his
mother's name.

- What happened to her?

She fall off a ladder as well?

- Penelope Highsmith
alive and well and living

in London SW1.

- Penny Highsmith?

- You know her?

- Very little escapes
my attention.

- What would you like
us to do next?

- Something useful
for preference.

House break-in. Community
policing.

Save Alderman for
your window box.

Leave that file on me desk.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Classy joint.

- Is this your first visit?

You knew where to
find the ladies'.

- So I'm a hypocrite!

It proves I've joined
the middle classes.

- Welcome aboard.

We had the police round
at our house.

Did you know?

- Peter said something
about cars being vandalized

and follow-up concordance.

- It seemed a bit over the top

for a slight scratch
to the paintwork.

Does he tell you everything?

- Sorry I don't understand
the question, Miss.

- About his work?

- No, he's bound by the
Official Secrets Act.

Most of it's either
confidential or boring

and I feel asleep.

Isn't it the same with you?

- What do you mean?

- Accountants have
confidentiality as well don't
they?

- It's not a problem
for Patrick.

He wasn't designed by
nature to be a chatterbox.

- How did you meet?

- Daddy was Archdeacon
of St Mark's

in Little Leven, outside
Harrogate.

The firm Patrick was working for

used to do the church accounts

at a discount, naturally.

I was still in the sixth form

and somehow Patrick
always turned up

to check something in the
books in the school holidays,

or off term you know
the sort of thing.

- What a big girl
you've grown into.

May I carry your satchel?

Oh look a nice, big
rosy handful.

- Oh, no Patrick's not
like that at all.

He's an innocent.

And then my father died.

- The church killed him.

- Overwork?

- A bit of it fell on him.

- What?!

- He was inspecting the belfry

and a large coping
stone fell off

and cracked his skull.

- Amen.

- As we might say but you
aint heard nothing yet.

Dig the back story.

Writers' jargon.

You wouldn't understand.

Daphne and Patrick wanted
to get engaged.

The family were dead against it.

Then this large hump of
Belfry comes to the rescue

and Daphne gets to the money.

- I thought all the
clergymen were poor.

- The money was from
her mother's side.

- I don't like to ask.

What happened to her mother?

- She died when Daphne was 13,

but that was a proper illness.

And kosher about all I checked.

- You're working well.

(baby cries)

- A woman's work is NEVER done.

What are you doing?

- She was dreaming, so
I'm showing her the moon.

- The moon?

- Coleridge recommend it.

When his infant son
was dreaming,

he'd show him the moon.

- Coleridge?

- If only you could tell me
what you were dreaming about.

- Bloody hell, it's
PC Gunga Din.

- Now, lads.

I was wondering what
time you'd get here.

- What are you doing here?

- It's a stakeout.

This place is swarming with CID

and security cameras.

So save the vandalism
for another day.

- We don't do vandalism.

- Don't worry.

We're not bothered
about vandalism.

What it is, is a car-stealing
ring.

Were you here last
Monday morning?

- Why?

- Woman on her own, driving
a green Polo,

parked here about 9.15.

- What about her?

- A bit tasty d'you reckon?

- The feller thought so.

- She met a feller?

- Yeah he was waiting
for her in his car.

She was gasping for it.

- Can you describe him?

- I can describe the car.

- Go on then.

- What's in it for me?

- All suspicion of
involvement of vandalism

won't be written on the record.

- We don't do vandalism.

- She got into this bloke's
car a maroon Jaguar XJ Sport.

- Yes!

- Detective Inspector
Pascoe, Wetherton CID.

I'm inquiring after a
Mr Patrick Alderman

who used to work for you about
seven or eight years ago.

Yeah that sounds perfect.

Can you give me number
for Mr Capstick?

Yeah.

That's great cheers.

I'm going to Harrogate.

- To take the waters?

- To see whether Patrick
Alderman's taking ours.

- I need to talk to someone.

-[Both] Talk to him.

(tires on gravel)

(slow dramatic music)

- Which of my many embezzlements

over the last 50 years
do you wish to discuss?

- Not yours, Mr Capstick.

Patrick Alderman's.

- Oh! Patrick.

You have, of course, spoken
with him about this matter?

- No, I haven't, as
a matter of fact.

I've only met him
once very briefly.

- And yet, to me, whom
you've not met at all,

you're quite willing to broach
the subject without preamble.

- The only reason I will
take action in this matter

is to protect someone
who is less able than

Patrick Alderman to
protect himself.

- Or herself.

- Quite so.

- Very well Patrick joined the
firm in 1988 or perhaps 89.

I liked him.

He was quiet, respectful.

likable once you got
beneath the surface.

He planted those roses
as a matter of fact.

- I know about the roses.

- Direct linear descendants
of a strain

of his great-uncle
Edward's roses.

- If you liked him so much,
why did he leave your firm?

- That was Mrs McNeil.

A sweet old lady.

A widow of substance.

She took a fancy to Patrick.

Insisted he look after
her investments.

She used to give him presents.

Thick sweaters, pair
of galoshes.

- Galoshes?

- She worried about him going
out in the cold weather.

Despite her best efforts,

he caught a flu virus.

When he was off work,

she phoned with a query.

And I had to seek the
answer in her files.

- And you found?

- Approximately two thirds
of her money had been

I'd use the word
misappropriated.

You would say...

- Stolen.

- Technically as it turned out.

Before the matter could
come to a head.

- Mrs McNeil died.

- Same flu virus.

She was a very old lady.

And when the lawyers
examined the will...

- I wonder if I can guess.

- Mrs McNeil had no
close relatives.

A few token legacies
to charities

dogs and cats, mostly.

The residue was to Patrick
Alderman of Rosemont.

He'd been stealing from himself.

- So no action was taken?

- No official action.

I naturally asked for and
received his resignation.

The way we do things
in the professions.

- Did I help you at all?

- Thank you.

A great deal I think.

- I do hope none of
this hurts Patrick.

- Very little seems to
hurt him, Mr Capstick.

- If you look at the
screen, what do we see?

Superficially, a street riot.

But if we look at
a deeper level,

we see a hostile interface

between socio-ethnic groupings
within the community nexus.

These groups have two goals.

One, to break the law.

The other, to uphold the law.

The question you,
as law enforcement

officers, must address,

is how you can impact

in a proactive way upon this

apparently intractable
interface.

- Excuse me.

-[Presenter] You may
refer to diagrams

1 to 17 in the packs
I distributed.

- May I help you, sir?

- I need to interface with
some nicotine, and fast.

- I'm afraid this is a
non-smoking building, sir.

- I'm going outside.

I may be some time.

(cars plying)

(engine idling)

Penny?

Penny Highsmith, is it?

- Andy Dalziel!

- Everyone says I'm
unforgettable.

- You're not, but I can
read a name badge.

Detective Superintendent.

- Sorry.

Down here for a conference.

- What's the subject?

Hanging around on
street corners?

- Community policing.

I thought that was enough.

I fancied a walk
and a cup of tea.

Is this where you live?

- This is my front door.

- Do, metropolitan
sophisticates have kettles?

- Still a cheeky sod.

Yeah. I've got a kettle.

- You've weathered well, love.

Still in prime condition.

- You sound like a jobbing
builder, checking for dry rot.

- It is mine as a compliment.

It's a fair few years since...

- Since you nearly
had your evil way

with me in the changing room
at the rugby club dance.

- I thought you were having
your evil way with me.

Anyroad...

I'm glad you remembered.

- A trauma like that
isn't easily forgotten.

- Was it traumatic?

- It was your beeper
going off at the crucial

moment that was the
traumatic bit.

- Do you ever come north?

We've, extended the
changing rooms.

- Once in a while,
to see Patrick.

But he's big enough to
look after himself now.

- Good.

I wish I was.

- Okay concentrate.

The story so far.

We have six people who
died over a 23-year period.

In each case, Patrick Alderman
benefited from the death.

I'll try a theory.

You tell me when I'm
talking cobblers.

We will start with Great
Aunt Florence.

- Patrick was only what,
10 11 years old?

- He was helping his
aunt pruning roses

when she had a coronary
thrombosis.

- "Time for bed," said Florence.

- Knock it off.

- Sorry.

- The case of the prosecution
case is that

Florence Alderman
died intestate.

Patrick's mother inherited
the ancestral garden

and the money.

Which she subsequently
shared with the son.

- The case for the defense
case is that Florence Alderman

was a sick woman

still convalescing from
an earlier attack.

- Alright, moving on...

Reverend Oliver Somerton, killed

by a coping stone which
fell from the belfry

at St. Mark's Church
at Little Leven.

Daphne Somerton, now
Mrs Patrick Alderman,

inherited 60 grand.

- There was no witnesses.

The coroner said
accidental death.

Wasn't Patrick at work in
Harrogate at that time?

- No He'd taken the
day off to attend

to Mr Capstick's roses.

And you can move to the
church in five minutes.

- And on a sudden impulse,

Patrick sprints to the
church like Linford Christie,

climbs to the top like
Sherpa Tenzing,

dislodges a lump
of stone weighing

a couple of hundredweight
like...

- Popeye?

- Like Popeye.

He does all that, still on
the same sudden impulse,

and manages to hit a vicar?

Sorry, but that one's
got to be down to God.

- Now, Mrs McNeil.

He embezzles her money,
he gets found out.

Just before the noxious
substances hit the fan,

she dies of bronchial pneumonia.

She was 78 years old.

How did he do it?

Sneeze through her keyhole?

No Forget it.

Cut to Burton.

He could be a contender.

- Chris Burton fell
off a ladder.

Alderman got his job.

- I've checked the
coroner's report.

- And?

- Well, he died between
2.30 and 3.30.

They had got the decorators
in, painting the house.

The theory is he slipped
home to see how they were

getting on.

- Where were the decorators?

- It had rained earlier
on, so they'd gone

to an inside job on
the other side of town.

- How do we know the
time of death?

- Mrs Burton went out at 2.30,

leaving the house empty.

Came back at 3.30.

There he was.

On the patio.

- It's a mistake having a patio.

- Mrs Burton's called Mandy.

- TWO mistakes.

- Runs a stall in the market

Mandy's Nick-Nacks.

- I should talk to her.

Have a browse among
her nick-nacks.

- The fat man's still
here in spirit.

- Dixon? Eagles?

- Non-runners.

A drug driver and
a heart attack.

- Organizing that's
about as easy

as dropping a church
on a clergyman.

- How about dropping
an up-and-over door

on someone?

- You're forgetting
about Dick Elgood.

- Do you remember Elgood's car?

Maroon Jaguar XJ Sport.

- Had a slight dent in the boot.

Yeah what about it?

- Monday morning,
Daphne Alderman

parks her car in the multistory,

climbs into a maroon
Jaguar XJ Sport,

and well we can only guess
what happened after that.

- We're talking assignations?

- Well it doesn't sound
like browsing

the shops and and
in the library...

especially if the
library's closed.

- Oi! Gunga!

- Show a bit of respect.

- What's up?

Is it another stakeout?

- No, better than that, Mick.

Not allowed to say.

Why?

- Listen, when you
said that about us

being off the hook
for vandalism,

was that right?

- Why do you think I said it?

- Jonty Matt says you're a liar.

He says all police are liars.

- Jonty's a good lad,
but he's a villain.

It runs in the family.

His dad's inside.

And one of his brother
has just gone down.

- That'll be it then.

They're a man short.

- That'll be what, then?

- There's a job's coming up.

Jonty's gonna be on it.

- Alright what sort of a job?

- Nicking stuff from
a big house.

- There are hundreds of
big houses in Yorkshire.

- This one called Rosemont.

I didn't tell you that.

- How d'you know?

- Jonty said they'd
pay me a few quid

for helping with the lifting.

- Don't do it MIck.

Tell them you're washing
your hair.

-[Mick] You are.

- Hello Mrs Pascoe!

(bell rings)

- What happened to
you this morning?

I waited half an hour.

- More to the point,
what happened to you when

you married into
the police force?

- Usual thing, had
my picture taken

with pretty flowers,
smiled nicely,

went on honeymoon,
masses of sex...

- Oh, shut up.

- I'm just trying to
answer the question, ma'am.

- Well answer me one question.

Yes or no.

Did you know when you took me
under your little left wing,

that your husband was in
charge of an investigation

into my husband?

- That's not a simple
question and you know it.

- Yes or no?

- First, I gave you
a lift that day

because it was chucking it down.

Second, I didn't take you
under "my little left wing",

though it's a good line
and I might use it later.

I talked to you and,

goddammit, I liked you.

- Thank you.

- It's true.

And yes, Peter does
talk about his work

and some of it's disgusting,

but he is not a disgusting
person.

- Do you talk to him about us?

- Yes, obviously.

- In detail?

- I met Daphne.

We had coffee.

I preached at her
about human rights

and we argued about
public schools,

we had another coffee,
we went home.

There's nothing very
inflammatory there.

Anyway, how did you find out?

- What about?

- About the investigation
into your husband.

They're supposed to be
discreet inquiries.

- I heard from Dick Elgood.

I told him about the
sergeant coming to the house,

asking weird and highly
irrelevant questions

about the vandalism
in the car park.

He told me about making
that silly complaint

about Patrick to the police,

and about how he later,
withdrawn the complaint.

But the investigations

have gone further, haven't they?

- I believe so.

But why or how, I have
no idea believe me.

- I'm trying to believe
you, Ellie.

- But hang on a minute.

I have the brain of a weak

and feeble woman,
so please explain

why did you bother to
tell Dick Elgood about

the vandalism in the car park?

- You don't know?

You really don't know, do you?

- I haven't a clue.

- I parked the car,

got into Dick's car,

and we spent the day together.

- You mean "spent the
day together" as

in waves crashing
on the seashore?

Isn't he a bit old?

- Pushing 60...

but in good working order.

- You're sure he said Rosemont?

- Mick Feaver's not clever
enough to make things up.

He says they'll do the
job when they're away.

- Sorry young man, I am
drowning in your syntax.

- Sir?

- I think he means the
thieves will do the job

while the people who live
in the houses are away.

- Superintendent Dalziel
on the phone.

- Sling your hook.

This is for adults.

- How's the conference?

He seems to have decided they're

a bunch of dedicated
self-abusers.

- What a surprise.

- Listen, sunbeam,
I've been thinking

about our serial killer.

Anything to relieve the boredom.

Chris Burton's the
man to work on.

He falls off his ladder

and Mandy Burton
gets a prime spot

at the marketplace faster
than the speed of light.

When we talk of the
the marketplace,

we're talking serious
Yorkshire mafia.

They even do funny
handshakes with their feet.

And I'll tell you another
thing, I'm missing you buggers.

I'd never have thought
it possible.

Right. Back at the weekend.

Get it sorted by then, eh?

Good lad.

I am a policeman.

- This is where he
fell, Inspector.

This is the exact spot.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- You mustn't think
I'm callous, Peter.

All right if I call you Peter?

You're too good-looking
to be an inspector.

It was four years ago.

I'm well over the
grieving process.

- Good.

Now, about Mr Burton.

- Has somebody been making
naughty phone calls?

Or is it the insurance company?

- It's really just routine,
Mrs Burton.

- Oh, Mandy.

If you can't be frank,

you might as well be friendly.

Well, I'll be frank.

Chris was a sweet fellow,
but he hit 40,

same time as I did,
and that was that.

He turned middle-aged.

- And he went running
up a ladder

in the middle of
a wet afternoon?

I wouldn't do that.

- Because you're young.

Your bourgeois, middle-aged
man is convinced

the workmen are cheating on him.

He climbs the ladder to check.

- Did your husband
ever socialize

with any of his colleagues
from work?

Mr Elgood, Mr Eagles,
Mr Alderman?

- You do know a lot don't you?

Let me think, a long time ago

Dick Elgood.

He was friendly enough,
but still the big boss

if you know what I mean?

- I know exactly what you mean.

- And we went out to
dinner with Tim Eagles

and his wife a couple of times.

That other one, Patrick
Alderman.

Chris didn't reckon
much on him at all.

- Why not?

- Because his job had
been fixed for him.

Chris didn't reckon much
on fixes at all.

He was a very moral
man my late husband.

- I'm probably going to
meet your friend Daphne.

- I'm meeting her tomorrow
definitely, so there!

- Why are you going to
meet her probably?

- We've had a tip-off
Rosemont's going to be done.

We'll keep an eye
on their valuables

while they're away.

- Isn't just an excuse
to nose around the house?

- What, have a poke around
their dark and dusty corners?

Absolutely not.

But we've had word of
a hint of a rumor

about Daphne and Dick Elgood.

Assignations, no less.

- Another bored housewife.

- What do YOU know about
bored housewives?

- I 've seen documentaries
about them on Channel 4.

(footsteps)

(paper rustling)

- I thought I'd seen the
last of you, young man.

- The problem with
police work is

once a line of inquiry
has been started,

we're legally obliged
to pursue it,

until we can prove beyond
all reasonable doubt that

no crime's been committed.

- Even when it means setting
your own wife to spy on people?

- You'll have to explain
that, Mr Elgood.

- You're telling me
it's a coincidence?

I speak to you one day
about Patrick Alderman

and the next day your missus
gives Daphne Alderman a lift.

And it's all morning coffee
and chocolate biscuits

and girl talk.

- Don't go any further,
Mr Elgood.

I'll tell you what we know

and can prove if necessary.

- What is there to prove?

- That the day before
you came to see me at

the police station, you met
Daphne Alderman in the car park.

She got into your car and
you drove off together.

She returned five hours later.

- Your wife told you this?

- Police inquiries revealed it.

If you accuse my wife
one more time,

I might be tempted to
forget our age difference

and the noble traditions
of the CID

and smack you on the nose!

- All right I met
Daphne Alderman.

I'm not denying it.

But my private life's
my business, isn't it?

Even in this town.

- You meet a woman,
and the day after

you accuse her husband
of trying to kill you.

- Pull the other one, son!

Patrick Alderman as
the jealous husband?

- Why not?

- Because all he cares
about is his bloody roses.

That's why not.

He'd kill for them.

Not for Daphne.

But I shouldn't have said those

things about your wife.

I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

- Right, well, then, perhaps

I can now get on with
my day's work.

- I was hoping that
you might be able

to enlighten me about
the nature of

your relationship with
Mrs. Mandy Burton.

- Andy "sodding" Dalziel.

He trained you well, didn't he?

- So he tells me.

(buzzer beeps)

Miss Dominic?

-[Ms. Dominic] Yes, Mr Elgood.

- Can I have two cups
of coffee, please, love?

- What's wrong with
the coffee lounge?

- It's bugged.

- Special Branch?

- WI.

- Even worse!

- And I want to talk to you

about Dick Elgood and me,

about Patrick and me,
about you and me

about you and Peter.

- We might need a bigger park.

- I'm not joking.

- Nor am I.

- Plum brandy.

It leaves no odor on the breath.

You're sure did right.

I was having a thing
with Mandy Burton.

Well, you've seen her.

Do you blame me?

She's a lass with a very
healthy appetite.

Too much for poor old Chris.

- Why did he fall
off the ladder?

- I'd a business lunch
at the White Rose

Me and Chris, Tim Eagles,

Patrick Alderman, and a couple
of chaps from the Council.

After the lunch, I
went into the bar

for a top-up and
there was Mandy.

She was very keen for
me to see her new

bathroom suite, which
we'd supplied.

- Naturally.

- She drove me to the
house and, well...

we went to bed.

We were sort of recharging
our batteries

when we thought we
heard something.

(ladder creaking)

See what it is.

Mandy got out of bed,

went to the window,
drew the curtains.

and there was Chris
on the ladder.

He sees his wife stark naked

and his boss ditto
in the background.

He fell off the ladder.

(screams)

Bingo.

-[Peter] Then what happens?

- Panic stations
her and me both.

We got dressed and
went downstairs.

He was dead - no question.

Now, don't get me wrong, Pascoe.

This may sound callous,

but he really wasn't
a likable man.

We felt sorry, but...

- Shaken, not stirred.

- Nobody was about.

I hid in the boot of the car

and Mandy drove me to town.

Go on, go on.

What are you doing? Go on.

(car moves)

Then she went back home
and discovered the body.

- All as reported
at the inquest.

- Exactly.

No crime committed,

no crime intended.

Just a bit of, well, diplomatic

rearrangement of the facts.

- Mr. Elgood everything
you did from

the moment you failed
to call the police

was a criminal act.

Mrs Burton purgered
herself at the inquest.

- It's not proper purgery
if it's an inquest.

- An inquest is a court of law.

What about the market store?

Was it a trade-off?

Price of Mandy's silence?

- No, it was something
to keep her busy.

You know what it's like.

Wheels within wheels.

Small town.

Would you like to put all this

in a written statement,
Mr Elgood?

- Like hell.

Now, listen, there are some
very important negotiations

going on here next week.

That sort of caper
does not go down

well with our European partners.

How about a bit of discretion?

- I'll discuss it
with Mr Dalziel.

- Andy Dalziel? Discretion?

- You know what it's like.

Wheels within wheels.

Small town.

- He was attentive,
amusing, gentle, interested,

old-fashioned courteous,

and, yes, old as well.

And please Ellie don't preach
at me about father figures.

- I wouldn't dream of it.

- I probably drank too much
and he must be very clever.

And probably experienced
because I didn't realize

I was being seduced
realize until...

- Until you were seduced.

- Oh, Sir Jasper.

(laughs)

- But if Dick Elgood is amusing,

gentle, and all those
other things,

does that mean Patrick isn't?

- It's difficult to describe
anything with Patrick.

- Don't feel obliged.

- No, I need to make
sense of it.

Imagine you're on holiday,

in Greece or Italy,

you've had a couple
of glasses of wine

and sun shining and all
right with the world,

Patrick's like that
all the time.

- It doesn't sound that
much of a problem.

- But he stays like
that even when there

are problems.

One of the kids are ill,

the roof is leaking,

the bills are mounting up...

- You've got bills?

- I don't know what
he spends it on.

- Your son's education at that

very expensive and socially
divisive boarding school.

- Oh, shut up.

- Only trying to be helpful.

- The house is ridiculously
big of course,

costs a fortune to run,

even when it's falling to bits.

That's why he and Dick Elgood

are having this boardroom
battle.

- I don't have much experience
of boardroom battles.

- The firm's now part of this
huge European conglomerate

which means they reorganize
themselves every so often.

They're creating this new post

Chief Executive, Western Europe.

- Golly Gosh! Bigger
even than Yorkshire!

Does it pay well?

- Mega and Dick and Patrick

are both chasing the job.

- Exactly which bits of all this

am I allowed to discuss
with Peter?

-[Andy] This has been
a grand evening.

Thank you, Penny.

- That's very gracious.

You've almost allayed
my suspicions.

- What's there to be
suspicious about?

- You just happened to be
passing my place the other day,

as I came home and I wondered,
"Is this just a coincidence?"

- Fate, you mean.

Written in the stars.

- Not fate ambush!

Written in the CID handbook.

- I'd do that if I
was investigating.

What's there to investigate
about you?

- Pure as the driven snow.

- So how's that lad of yours?

What's he up to now?

- He's on the board at ICE.

- The bog people?

- I know them.

Dick Elgood's an old
mate from the rugby club.

So young Patrick's a credit
to his mother, is he?

That doesn't surprise me.

- Stop groveling.

- I'm not! Can't have
been easy for you,

bringing him up on your own.

Didn't have single parent
families in them days did they?

It was all tarts and
bastards wasn't it?

- You really know how
to talk to a girl, Andy.

- No, I don't.

I'm well out of practice.

Why didn't you marry the father?

- None of your damned business.

- Quite correct.

None of my business.

But whoever he is, or
was, as the case maybe,

I've got him marked down as
a blaggard for dropping you

in it in the first place,

and a fool for not marrying you

when he'd the chance.

- I didn't give him the chance.

- Oh I'm sure you
had good reasons.

- So what else would
you like to know

about my private life?

- Well, since we're
on the subject...

- I thought I was joking.

- Hear me out, then you decide.

When your Auntie Flo dropped
dead in the rose bushes,

and you and Patrick got the lot

house, money, garden and so on

I heard something
in the rugby club.

- What did you hear
in the rugby club?

- I heard, and it
was no more than

saloon bar chat, you understand,

with the solicitor
is a piss artist

at the best of the times

I did hear that Auntie Flo
didn't want you to inherit.

Some talk of leaving it all

to a bunch of missionaries.

And when she died, there
was no sign of a will.

- You fat, hypocritical,
overweight,

devious bastard!

- Looks like we'll not be
bothering with coffee, sunbeam.

You forgot this!

You might need it
to wallop someone.

There's no need to check.

I've paid.

- What are you doing?

- I'm walking you home.

- There's no need.

- If I take a woman
out, two things happen.

I pick up the tab and I
see her to her front door.

It's called good manners
where I come from.

(metal clanking)

(footsteps)

- This is my front door.

- No, it isn't.

This is everybody's front door.

Besides, did you leave
the lights on?

- I can't remember.

- I had better check inside.

- Why?

- Well, this is London.

They're all thieves
and villains down here.

- You're talking crap, Andy.

- All right.

I'm a bit lonely

and a long way from home.

And have you got
any single malt?

I'd like to get rid of the taste

of that red wine.

- Me too.

(lock opens)

Add that to your list.

Next time you take a girl out,

order a decent bottle of wine

instead of that disgusting
house red.

- You should've said.

- I'm saying now!

(commotion and falling)

(punch lands)

(footsteps running)

- Bloody hell! Are
you all right?

- No.

(car starts and moves)

Should we call the police?

- I am the police.

- You're hurt.

Is it broken?

- I've had my nose
broken more times

than you've sent the wine back.

I'll call it in.

Give them a description
of the feller and his car.

It's only for the look of it.

It is the Met isn't?

They couldn't a catch a
cold in a wet November.

You have a look around
see if owt's missing.

Oh, don't forget
the single malt.

(slow dramatic music)

(rummaging in box)

I helped myself.

So, uh what was he looking for?

- I dunno.

There's nothing missing.

Not that there's anything
much worth stealing.

- But, he'd been searching.

- Yes. Everything's been moved,

but it's all very neat and tidy.

- A professional.

- Excuse me you're
making yourself at home!

- I'm not leaving you
here on your own

after what's happened.

I hate unfinished business,
don't you?

- 'Appen so.

- Only this time, I can
take my socks off.

(phone rings)

- Darling, what are
you doing in London?

No. Not at all.

It would be great to see you.

Bye!

- Who was that? The Met?

They've apprehended a suspect.

- No, that was Patrick.

- Patrick?

- He's in London.

So I said he could stay.

So the best thing
that you can do

is to take up thy
trousers and walk.

(wrapper rustles)

- Patrick.

That's nice. You're early.

- Where's Diana?

- Gone to play at Mary's.

- These are for you.

(wrapper rustles)

- You have been buying
flowers from a shop?

- Don't be silly.

Read the label.

- Type hybrid T; Variety
- Daphne Alderman.

You bred a rose and
named it after me?

- I said I was going to.

- I remember.

You said it on our wedding day,

but I thought it was
just romantic talk.

- I always mean what I say.

It's taken longer
than I thought.

It had to be perfect.

That's why I was in London.

It has to be officially approved

and recognized by
the Royal Society.

- I wish...

- You'll be in every garden
centr in the country.

And I saw a publisher in London

and showed him the notes
I've kept all these years.

They want me to write a book

about the history of the rose.

Imagine that.

A hundred times better

than being managing director of

the UK branch of an
EC conglomerate.

What do you wish?

- I wish you'd shared
more of this with me.

- I would have done,

but it might not have worked.

- I wouldn't want to
share failure with you.

I can't bear failure.

- Thank you for my rose.

(gasps)

(tires on gravel)

(both gasping)

(door slams)

- What do you reckon?

- A security nightmare.

(both breathing hard)

(doorbell rings)

- Are we expecting anyone?

- Yes the police.

(door opens)

- Mr Pascoe! Mr Wield!

Nice to see you again.

- We need to know when
you're going to be away.

We need a list of people
who know you're going away.

We need to check the lot of
the house, the alarm system

and the whereabouts of
the main items of value.

- The real items of
value are in the garden.

The only items really

but why don't we
divide and rule.

- Sorry?

- Daphne can give you
the conducted tour.

While I give Mr Wield
the information you need

about our forward travel
arrangements.

- Good.

- And I might have solved
your window box problem.

- This is what the estate agents

would call the master bedroom.

- I envy you this view.

- You have a very pretty
garden where you live.

- Have you been to our house?

- Didn't you know?

I went round to have
a row with Ellie.

- And you can still walk?

- I wasn't very good at it.

I suppose basically
I like her too much.

- Me too.

It can be a problem.

- Well, don't you want to
know what it was about?

- What?

- The row that never happened.

- Only if it's likely
to assist the

police with their
current inquiries.

- Which current inquiries?

- Make me an offer.

- Patrick no longer
has any reason

to be jealous of Dick Elgood,

and Dick Elgood no
longer has any

reason to be frightened
of Patrick.

- Good.

(car whirring)

- No more boardroom battles.

He's invented an award-winning
rose.

Game over.

- He told me.

and he's given me half
his bloody greenhouse.

- Oh, you can be proud
of yourself, lad.

Mr Pascoe, Mr Wield,

running around at your behest

on a Saturday morning.

Well done.

Now, sling your hook.

- Sir.

- You're still here.

- I'd like to ask a favor, sir.

Sir, if there's going to
be a stakeout at Rosemont

on account of my information,

I wonder if I could maybe...

- Fancy a bit of action dear?

- I just thought
the experience...

- I'll tell you about
the experience.

Either you'll sit on
your arse all night

and end up freezing cold
wi' nowt to show for it,

or the villains will come,
there'll be a bit of aggro

and a bit of blood

yours more than likely
and at the end of it all,

you'll come face to face
with your old school mate.

What's his name?

Jonty Marsh.

You'll end up as Judas Iscariot

on top of all your
other problems.

Still fancy it?

- Yes, sir.

- All right try this.

Worst case scenario.

You end up like these two.

- Welcome back.

Did you have an accident?

- Don't ask.

You, disappear.

- Sir.

- All right gentleman,

in the matter of Mr
Patrick Alderman,

are we arresting him
or protecting him?

- Protecting him.

- I thought you'd have
it all sorted.

- We have.

There's no way we can make a
sensible case against Alderman.

Yeah, there's the question
mark about the old lady's money

and we might get just be
able to cobble together

a perjury charge against
Dick Elgood and Mandy Burton.

- Embezzlers and perjurers?

Mickey Mouse stuff!

I want dead bodies! Evidence.

- We've got neither.

(phone rings)

- CID office.

Yes. A Mr Masson to see you.

- See? One of us
is still trying.

I'm on me way.

- He's on his way.

- Masson? Solicitor, isn't he?

- Yeah.

- Bent?

- Soon will be.

- Mr Masson!

- Mr Dalziel.

- Thank you for coming.

It's gonna only take a moment.

Come through to my office.

On your way to golf?

- Well observed superintendent.

- It's bound to rain.

I've done you a favor.

Regard this as an
off-the-record continuation

of a drunken conversation we had

in the rugby club
many years ago.

- Drunken's the only
sort of conversation

I ever had with you
in the rugby club.

- Yes but we only ever had one
about Eddie and Flo Alderman.

- What about them?

- Eddie died intestate.

Flo got the lot.

Flo died intestate.

Penny Highsmith got the
lot, and split it

down the middle with Patrick.

- Yes.

- Well, you told me,
as far as I can

recall through the drunken haze,

that Flo didn't want anything

to go to Penny or to Patrick.

- There was talk.

But if she made a new
will, I never saw it.

And such a will was never found.

- Who was Patrick
Alderman's father?

- No comment.

- Was it Uncle Eddie?

- I said no comment.

- Thank you, Mr Masson.

Enjoy your golf.

- How did it go?

-[Myserty Man] That's
what we've got about

his money situation.

The interesting bit
is the mother.

She went out for a meal
with some fat geezer

I couldn't identify.

While she was out, I
looked round the flat.

Found the birth certificate,

confirmed she was the mother.

I found this.

Are you interested in the
last will and testament

of Florence Alderman?

- Very much so.

Would she miss it?

-[Mystery Man] Looked like
she put it somewhere safe

and forgotten it.

- Any problems?

-[Mystery Man] They came
home a bit too swift,

so I had to slap the
geezer a couple of times.

But no sweat.

I didn't feel a thing.

There's a note of my charges.

As we agreed cash only.

- If you'd like to
sign the receipt.

It won't go through the books.

This is Yorkshire, remember.

- A pleasure doing business
with you, Mr Elgood.

(door closes)

- Daphne, it's me.

Is Patrick there?

(phone rings)

(baby cries)

- Hello?

Hi, Daphne.

Yeah, well, I'm just...

Tomorrow?

A what?

- A what?

- Barbecue.

- At Dick Elgood's place?

- Some sort of celebration.

You're invited as well.

There's a swimming pool.

- I hate swimming.

That stuff they put in the
water it ruins me hair.

- What shampoo do you use?

- Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you.

Thank you very much.

You're probably wondering why

I've rounded up all
the usual suspects.

This is a celebration.

Yesterday, at a meeting
in Brussels

I was officially confirmed
as being

the new chief executive
of ICE in Western Europe.

(all clapping)

At thank you, at an
appropriate remuneration.

Which means drink as
much as you like.

I can afford it now.

At the same board meeting,

my good and loyal friend
Patrick here

is confirmed as my number two

at a somewhat less
commensurate remuneration.

That means not as much, Andy.

(all laughing)

Having said that, let's put it

on the record that
any little local

difficulties or
misunderstandings

that might have existed
between me and Patrick

are strictly in the past.

Right, partner?

- Yes, I'm very happy
to drink to that.

- Terrific.

So eat, drink and be merry.

Tomorrow, you have a
head like a bucket

and throat like a gravel pit.

(all laughing)

- I want to take a picture.

- Certainly, love here we go.

Lovely.

- What do you reckon
to that, then?

- A public relations exercise.

- Dick's happy cos he's
won his boardroom battle.

Why's Patrick so happy?

Nobody likes coming second.

- He's invented a rose.

- Men don't invent roses.

God invents roses.

- And single malt.

- No. My Scottish ancestors
invented this.

- So what do you think
of our host?

- He reminds me a bit
of a carpet salesman.

A very good carpet
salesman, but...

- Lucky we're friends.

- Sorry.

How is everything with Patrick?

- Everything's fine.

I do mean everything.

- Well, you're the expert.

How do I make my garden grow?

- Well, it's difficult
soil in this area.

And you've got wasps and
a lot of other insects

that need control.

- Yeah, yeah. Fine.

Well, I've bought some stuff.

- You really shouldn't
leave this lying around

not with children
playing nearby.

It's lethal!

Haven't you got a shed?

- No.

I've got a loft in here.

Would that make you happy?

Here.

(wrappers rustling)

Come on!

(wrappers rustling)

(water dropping)

Are you happy now?

- I'm always happy.

(ladder rolling)

I was hoping you might
have something for me.

- Oh! Thank you for
reminding me.

You'll find that
it's a photocopy.

The original's in my
safe in the office.

Listen carefully.

You might hear it ticking.

- I don't know who you
paid to steal this,

but you realize my mother
could have been injured.

- I think your mother's well
able to take care of herself.

- Where's the chief
executive of Euro Closets?

I need a refill.

- Sorry, Andy.

All right, then?

- I'm missing my wife.

Excuse me.

- Funny lad, that one.

- Mm, but harmless.

- Nice spot you've got here.

- Yeah it is grand.

I swim every morning first
thing, then I'm fit for
anything.

- It'd make a good love nest.

- You've got the phone number.

- That would cause a bit
of talk, wouldn't eh?

You like this country
air, do you?

- I sleep like a baby.

- Me an' all.

Got a clear conscience.

Most of my enemies
are locked up.

What's to trouble
my sleep, Dick?

- You might as well
have these now.

They're all clearly identified.

- Thank you.

So you're leaving first
thing in the morning?

- We're bringing our
son home from school.

But we're dawdling.

We'll be away a few nights.

- We'll be very careful, sir
especially in the garden.

- Look isn't it a bit silly
all this "sir" business

especially with our
ladies so friendly?

And our lords.

All right, Peter?

- All right by me, Patrick.

- So what happened
to the nose, then?

- It was a virus.

But I'll have him
one day. Cheers.

- Cheers.

(slow piano music)

- What time is it?

- Half six.

Are you bored?

- No. No.

It's brilliant.

- I'll ask you again
in 20 years time.

- Tea's on in the kitchen.

- The alarm?

- Switched off.

We can sup tea undetected.

(rattling)

Our first intruder.

- I just walked in.

Your security's shot at.

Some lunatic turned
the alarm off.

- Yeah we felt that they...

- Don't worry, they'll
be here at 7 o'clock.

- 7 o'clock?

- I'll put my pension on it.

It's a self-portrait
a feller's desk.

Like that Dutchman
with the bad ear.

- Van Gogh.

- Wasn't he the one
with the short legs?

- What have you learned?

- He loves his wife
and his family,

also his mother and the
late Uncle Eddie.

And he's got a lot
of unpaid bills.

And he likes roses.

- Ellie thinks he's an
obsessive neurotic.

- You'll have to explain that.

I'm not as clever as you are.

- Someone who'll stop at nothing
in pursuit of his ambition,

like an Olympic gymnast
or Bugs Bunny

trebles the effort when
he's forgotten the point.

- Patrick Alderman and
Dick Elgood two of a kind.

Bad losers, both.

(sliding door opens)

(water splashing)

-[Andy] Your friend
Patrick'll not be pleased

when he gets back.

-[Peter] Why?

- Blowing a gale last night.

Look at the mess.

Milord.

- Sorry?

- The name of the rose.

- Milord that's appropriate.

- Who for? Me?

- Patrick.

- I prefer his mother.

Mind your own business.

I'm a consenting adult.

Come on let's catch
some thieves.

- You still suspect Patrick
of something?

- Bodies Peter that's
what we are short of.

(water splashing)

(car approaching)

(door opens)

- It's only the gardeners.

- Caldicotts been in the
family for generations.

- And Jonty Marsh
has a big brother

who helps them out
from time to time.

- Upstairs.

(footsteps on wood)

- Three fellas to sweep
up a few leaves?

- That's Jonty and his brother.

-[Peter] One to sweep leaves,

two to clear out the house.

- And one to fix the
burglar alarm.

- Jonty went on a scheme
to learn about electrics.

He's brilliant.

- So are you young man.

You'll come to a bad end.

(shower spraying)

(suspenseful music)

(knocking on wall)

(water splashes)

(stairs creaking)

(door opens)

- Sorry, Arthur.

- In the car!

- Oh, is that how it's done?

(door opens)

- Come on, lad let's
be having you.

(sirens blaring)

(table crashes)

(lamp hitting leg)

(footsteps running)

- Black bastard!

(lamp hits head)

- Ambulance!

(birds chirping)

- Morning, son.

We've finished your grapes.

- How are you feeling?

- A bit dopey.

Did we get 'em?

- What a professional.

- Yeah we got them.

- And you dropped
me right in it,

allowing a cadet to mix with
the worst of the riffraff

from CID and get walloped
in the process.

Because of you, I've
got to fill in forms.

You realize that.

- Sorry, sir.

- Come to replenish the grapes?

- It's about Dick Elgood.

- What about him?

- Found dead in his
swimming pool.

Well, you wanted a body.

He didn't turn up for an
important board meeting

this morning.

Wasn't answering his phone.

They sent someone round.

- Natural causes? Heart attack?

Sexual overload?

- Apparently not that simple.

- What a surprise.

- The first doctor who
examined him thought there was

something odd about the body.

Our man seems to confirm it.

- Seems to confirm what?

- That Elgood was in contact
with a large quantity of

a chemical reagent shortly
before he died.

Something like parathion
or dieldrin.

- You mean insecticide.

- Insecticide.

(footsteps on gravel)

A bag like these two was
floating in the water tank.

Seems it fell off the shelf.

- Did it fall or was it pushed?

- The gales overnight
they came whistling

through this window.

It blows shut, causes the
bag to fall into the water.

- It's just a matter of time
before the stuff leaks out.

- Forensics found a hell
of a cocktail in there.

God knows what but it is lethal.

- We know he took his swim
first thing every morning.

He has a swim, then a shower

There you are.

- First bobby on the scene
found the shower still on.

All that stuff in the
water apparently

would cause muscular spasms,
breathing difficulties,

disorientations.

- Chucks himself in the pool
to wash it off and drowns.

Get the picture?

- Not very pretty.

Patrick wouldn't poison the

water tank while
we were all here.

He could've killed his own kids.

- So he sneaked back later on.

- No he didn't.

We all went back to Rosemont
for a drink.

- Of course friend
of the family.

So he used a long pole.

Sent a message on the Internet.

I dunno do I?

Come on as a friend
of the family,

is he a mass murderer?

- He loves his wife, he loves
his kids, he loves his roses.

- Lucrezia Borgia,
Attila the Hun,

Vlad the Impaler they
all loved roses

and gave generously
on flag days.

- Maybe he's got a very
good arrangement with God.

- Put that in your report.

Don't worry.

No-one will ever read it.

- Okay.

- What are you doing, Dad?

- It's called deadheading.

(snips)

(slow dramatic music)

(pleasant sax music)