All language subtitles for Swinging - 1x01 - Episode 1.en

Do you think she's attractive?

No, l think you're attractive.

She's stunning.

Let's have sex.

l hate that expression.

''Having sex.''

lt sounds so coarse.

Okay. Well, let's make love, then.

Everyone says that.

We need something that's just ours.

Something no one else would ever say.
Like a secret code.

What, like Morse? l don't know any.

No. l need to be seduced
with secret words of love.

Okay.

For instance, let's call you Mr Tumnus.

-Who?
-Mr Tumnus. lt's the name l've given you.

Right.

lf you want a blowjob, you say,
''Will you kiss Mr Tumnus' magic wand?''

And if l want to be touched down there,
l'll say, ''Tickle my fairy pocket.''

Right.

So, what do you want to do?

-l'd like.... l mean, Mr...Tingle....
-Mr Tumnus.

Mr Tumnus would like to visit
your fairy pocket.

Will Mr Tumnus be wearing
his enchanted cloak?

You've lost me there.

-Condom. Will you be using a condom?
-Oh, yes, yes. Definitely, yes.

Yes, Mr Tumnus....

Yes, Mr Tumnus will be wearing
his enchanted cloak.

What route will Mr Tumnus take
to visit the fairy pocket?

He will cross the two snowy mountains
with the ruby peaks.

Very good.

-And?
-That's it. lt's a short journey.

Will he play with the magic bean?

lf he can find it in the dark cave of tentacles.

lf he doesn't find it,
he won't be visiting the fairy pocket.

All right. Okay.

And call my pubes the mossy glade.

All right. Okay, Mr Tumnus will search
in the mossy glade for the magic bean.

And then he will enter the fairy pocket
and offer up his milky potion.

-What next?
-Then he'll fuck you up the arse.

-Nicholas!
-Sorry.

Then he'll plunder the demon's passage.

That's better.

Tony took Poppy over the Heath
last Friday evening.

Apparently, he let her off the lead
to play a few games with her

and by the time they got back,
she was soaking wet,

covered in God knows what muck.

As soon as they got in, l grabbed Poppy,
took her into the garden

and Tony hosed her down.

And then Poppy's husband Nigel turned up

and he took me over the patio table
while Tony hosed him down.

Nigel? ls he the horseman from the village?

That's him. Big as a rolling pin.

Couldn't sit down for a week.

Boring.

Boring.

Hideous.

Boring.

Oh, my God.
Sue, now that dress is to die for.

You see, l don't know.
l think that's a bit slutty.

l don't want to look like Liz Hurley
on my wedding day.

God, imagine marrying Liz.
Those gorgeous boobs.

Yeah, well, you're not.
You're marrying me, remember?

-Hey, Max.
-Hello, Suse.

So, come on, let's have a look.
l can't believe you're getting married.

-Amazing, innit?
-So, when do we get to meet the lucky guy?

-Where's the groom?

-He's here.
-Hiya.

You're marrying Jeremy?

You're marrying Jeremy?

Sorry, l thought you were....

Already taken. l know, me too.
But, in fact, he's never had a girlfriend.

Right.

What, you just didn't meet a girl
who was quite your type before, Jeremy?

Exactly. But now,
Susie's gonna take a chance on me

-and l'm gonna be her man after midnight.
-Man after midnight.

Right. So have you set a date yet?

Not yet. No, Jeremy's taking care of all that.
He's planned loads of weddings.

Oh, my God! Girls, look at the pair on her.

They are ridiculous. They've got to be fake.

Are you joking? l can spot a genuine
pair of Jimmy Choos at 20 paces.

Now, excuse me, girlfriends,

but the city's premier pet grooming salon
will not run itself.

Maxinka, a pleasure as always. Laters.

l don't know where he's been all my life.

ln a closet?

NARRATOR: Every year,
many thousands of people

experience problems
with their physical relationship.

For them, therapists like Patty Edwards

can offer a last chance to regain
lost intimacy with their partner.

There is so much fear and shame and disgust

and misinformation in this kind of area.

And l think the important thing for a couple

is that they have someone like myself
who can cut through all that

and just talk plainly and frankly with them

about the whole downstairs front business
of the marriage act.

lNTERVlEWER: You mean sex?

l like to start at the beginning,
with the very basics of life.

This book, it's new to me,
but it comes highly recommended.

And it outlines in very simple terms....
lt outlines....

Sorry. Erm....

No, that can't be right. Erm....

Could you just hand those back, please?
No, don't look!

l think my job is to listen, to be honest

and to correct ignorance,
and that is the most important thing.

Because there is so much ignorance
in the world about this kind of thing.

But if you've eaten it,
won't the baby come out of your mouth?

lNTERVlEWER: One thing l did notice

is that you don't seem
very comfortable with the topic.

Well, no, l.... l don't.... l mean....

This is not about my comfort.
This is about the patients.

MAN: So l'll use just the index finger
to rub over the labia.

And then stimulate the tip of Jean's clitoris
with my tongue.

-Hi, Dad. Hi, Mum.
-Hi Tom. Just in time.

-Give us a hand with the shopping.
-You throwing a party?

Just a little one, a few close friends.

-Great. When?
-Saturday night.

Hey, perhaps me and Natasha can come over.
Give you a hand if you like.

You'd be bored. Go and have some fun.

Natasha's always on at me about getting
to know you two better. She'd love to come.

No, really, Tom,
it's just not your sort of thing.

Rubbish. l'm not a kid anymore.
l can talk to grown-ups.

Look, why don't you take her to the cinema?

You don't want to be stuck with
a bunch of middle-aged wrinklies like us.

-You're not wrinklies. l like your friends.
-l know, it's just....

-Just what?
-lt's just not your scene.

How do you know what my scene is?

Come on, son, there's some blocked
guttering outside the bedroom window.

Can you hold the ladder for your old dad?

Hey, Nick. Wait up a minute.

Yes, Miss Beasley?

Listen...

l think you're a really talented artist.

Right. Thank you.

Yeah, l've been really pleased
with the way my life drawing's been going.

Yeah, brilliant. You know, there's loads
of stuff l want to discuss with you.

And l thought maybe we could do it,
l don't know, in a more relaxed setting.

lt's just my flat's quite near and....

Yeah. l didn't think you were allowed to....

The governors got that completely wrong!
Jason knew what he was doing!

Anyway, look, Nick,

it'd just be two people chilling,
talking about life and art.

Woman to man. Boy. Man.

Maybe we'll drink some red wine,
listen to some Coldplay.

Maybe have a little line.

Do you know what l'm talking about?

l mean cocaine. A line of cocaine.

Guess l've shocked you, huh?
Yeah, sure, l take drugs.

So maybe l'm not just conventional
Miss Beasley anymore?

Why do you think l wear this?

Erm...because you've got
eczema round your waist?

No, Nick.

lt's because l know what's going on.
l keep up with things, Nick. l'm one of you.

Sometimes l think it's you guys
who should be teaching me.

Nick, listen, l could teach you things.

-You do. You do teach me things.
-Not this shit. Other things.

-Look, Miss Beasley, thanks. But l really....
-You and me, Nick, we're the same.

Two bohemian visionaries
trapped in a plastic world.

l'm not a bohemian visionary.

lt's coursework time, Nick.
Don't play with me.

l've really got to....

Hannah!

Whatever.

Whatever games you want to play, little boy.

-lt was a good party last night.
-Yeah, very good.

-Zoe looked nice.
-Didn't she.

Oh. As nice as that.

No. Not as nice as that.
Not really very nice at all.

Washed out, l thought, and spotty.

Yeah, l wondered if
she hadn't put a bit of weight on.

Yeah. And fat. Very, very fat.

-Did l look okay?
-You looked beautiful.

That outfit really suited you.
The colour's beautiful, it goes with your hair,

which is beautiful, and matches your eyes,
which are beautiful.

And sets off your figure, which is beautiful.
lt's really beautiful and so are you.

-But Zoe....
-Zoe's not beautiful, you are.

lf all the girls in the world were
lined up in order of how beautiful they are,

you'd be at the front.
ln fact, there'd be no one else in the line.

lt would just be you on a box

with all the other girls looking at you
thinking how beautiful you are,

wishing they could be beautiful like you.

-Where would Zoe be?
-ln the box.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Tim?

Guy! Bloody hell, how are you, mate?

l'm great.
God, l didn't know you lived down here.

-God, same gym. How are you?
-l'm good, l'm good.

Still slugging away in the city.
Just got married. Yeah, it's all good.

You're joking. God, how long is it?

-lt must be what, ten years?
-l bet it is, yeah.

God, it's all a far cry from lbiza, isn't it?

Yeah, we really used to go for it, didn't we?
l could do with a holiday now, l tell you that.

Not quite the same though, is it?
Few quiet nights in with the missus?

-lt's all l can handle these days.
-Really?

You were bloody hardcore, though.

You remember that night on the beach
with those two Swedish girls?

-Vaguely.
-l do. Madness.

You remember, we swapped at half time.
All lying cuddled up together.

And what about that time in Scouts?

-Yeah, no, l don't....
-Those camping trips.

Yeah, we fooled around a bit,
didn't we, you and me?

Yeah, we were just messing around,
really, weren't we?

-Just confused.
-l don't think l was....

How many times
must l have fallen asleep on your bed

only to wake up with your hard-on
pressed against my back?

God, we didn't even know
they was called blowjobs then, did we?

What was it....?
What was it we used to call them?

lt was salt.... Salty sucks!

That was it!

Fucking hell. Where does the time go?

Listen, give us your number.

Yeah, yeah. Look, l've gotta go actually,
but l think l've still got your number.

So l'll give you a ring sometime.

-Be lucky, mate, yeah?
-Okay, mate.

You know where to find me
when the missus gets bored.

Sucked his cock.

Hello, Gary, come in.

-l presume you know what this is about.
-l'm going to get those stock orders done.

No, it's not about your stock orders.

You've been with us for three months,
and your work's been very good.

-Thank you.
-But l am concerned about something

the lT department have brought to my
attention regarding your internet connection.

-Really? l haven't had any trouble with it.
-No.

You see, according to your history folder,
on the 4th of this month,

you were searching for...

hot Asian teens.

l see.

-That'll be my dyslexia.
-l'm sorry?

Yes. Sometimes l get my letters
a bit confused.

Really?

Yes, when that site appeared, it was
disgusting and l closed it down right away.

What l was actually looking for
was hot Asian tents.

-Tents?
-Yes.

l'm going on a camping holiday in Cambodia

and l was looking for tents
in Asia that are hot.

-Hot?
-Yes.

Because the night-time temperature
often falls below zero.

-There we are. Hot Asian tents.
-l see.

-Well, if that'll be all.
-No, sit down, Gary.

See on the 5th, you were searching for...

big bouncy tits.

-Tots.
-Tots?

-Yes.
-Big bouncy....

Tots.

My wife is going back to work

so we're looking for a nursery to take Tom,
who's massive and hyperactive,

bouncing all over the place.

So we were looking for somewhere
prepared to take....

-Big bouncy tots.
-Right.

-Cum all over my face?
-l beg your pardon?

That was on the 9th.
You searched for ''cum all over my face''.

No. No, no. That was gum.

-Gum all over my face.
-lt was?

Yes, l'd been chewing gum, bubble gum,
and it popped.

-So there was....
-Gum all over your face.

-Yes, and l needed to find a way to....
-To get it off.

Get it off, yes.

On the 15th, anal action movies.

Banal action movies. l love them.

Hard Target, Bad Boys 2.
l love banal action movies.

-Fisting?
-Fishing.

-Fucking?
-Ducking. ln the event of a terrorist attack.

-Biggest cocks on the net?
-Opening a chicken farm.

Woman shagged by Golden Retriever.

Woman dragged by Golden Retriever,
all the way from Frome to Exeter Cathedral.

Did you not read about it? Huge story.

All right, Gary, l'm prepared to give you
the benefit of the doubt.

l mean, l see this morning you're only
looking for Dido's official website.

Oh, no. That was dildos.

Sorry. l know it's wrong on company time.

Right.

-Fancy a dance?
-Yeah, all right. Thanks.

Excuse me.

No, this is a major human rights violation.

l'm sorry, l'm advising my client
to take this to Strasbourg.

Whether they back down, l don't know.

-So, when's your new man turning up?
-l said 8:00.

l hope you like him.

l know l've had a few dodgy ones in the past,
but he's such a lovely guy.

He's really strong and manly,
a real bloke's bloke.

Hey, Jeffy!

This is Jeff, my new boy.

This is Mark and Sonia, my oldest friends.
l know you guys are really going to get on.

Sorry l'm late. Had to get a minicab.

Some foreign bastard tried to rip me off.
l'm like, ''You having a laugh?

'''Cause if you wanna dance, l can dance
and l'll rip your face off and shit in the hole.''

He's like, ''Sorry, sorry, effendi, effendi.''

And l'm like, ''Yeah, you better be
or else l'll cut you.''

He's like, ''Please, my children!''
l'm like ''Shut up. Shut up.''

And then he, like, shunts into another car.
So l've got out, he tries to drive off.

But l've got hold of the window, yeah.

l'm like, ''l will hunt you down
and l will kill you.''

And he sped off.
l had to walk from the Junction.

lsn't that hilarious?
He's always doing things like that.

That was such a brilliant story, wasn't it?

So, Jeff, nice T-shirt.

This? Yeah, it's a little competition me
and some of the lads from the unit had

when we was posted in Cyprus.

And did you win the...pussy tournament?

l done over a hundred women
that week, Mark.

Tall ones, short ones, fat, thin,
young, old, everything.

Done them in every way,
drunk, sober, asleep.

And then l cut a little mark in them
just so l know if l've been there before.

Won it by a bastard mile.

l bet you could win anything
if you wanted to, couldn't you?

So did you meet Kate through work?

No, l don't work.

l got discharged from the Paras.
Psychiatric reasons.

-So you're not a lawyer like her, then?
-Ooh! Don't mention that.

No, it's not natural for women to be lawyers.

Too unstable. Time of the month.

You can't have the rule of law
dictated by the draw of the moon.

lt's true, isn't it? l might give up work.

Yeah, you've got to ease them
out of the system.

That way it's easier
to bring back the death penalty.

Well, l suppose there is a case for hanging.

Not hanging, Mark. lt's too easy.

lf l'm your Brixton rapist,
l'll take hanging thank you very much.

No, if you're gonna kill them,
you kill them slow.

Genuine deterrent. lt's like dogs, yeah.
Big dogs going for the face or something.

Right. l need ?2 for a pint.

l'll be as quick as l can,
but l won't promise nothing

'cause l won't be served by an lrish.

Ta.

Well, l've brought you your snout.

Please don't call it snout, darling.
This is Spain. lt's not like an English prison.

David, this is so difficult.

When is your extradition hearing?

l don't know,
what with the language and everything.

lt could be a while.

This is unbearable.

What do they think they're achieving?
A man of your quality caged up in here.

How is that going to get them
their money back?

Well, l did the crime, so l must do the time.

And if that means being locked down
19 hours a day

with these ruthless, hardened,
vibrant young men,

some of them barely better
than wild animals,

just sweating it out.

Are they very hard on you?

Well, forced to live on top of one another,

strangers thrown together
in a raw primal struggle for domination...

it can be hard.

Very, very hard.

Soon this will all be over
and we can lead a normal life.

There are things l do now,
but l wouldn't call it ''living''.

l walk and talk and eat,
but without you, l'm dead inside.

Have you tried joining a gym?
l go to the gym a lot here.

We'll get through this.
l'll be here every week to visit you.

Good, good.

Although if that gets too tricky,
then don't worry too much.

-l won't abandon you.
-Sure, sure.

l'm just saying, if you fancy skipping a week,
that would be absolutely fine.

We don't have to be joined at the hip.

You're in a Spanish jail
serving a four-year sentence for fraud.

That is hardly being joined at the hip.

-l'm thinking of you, Celia.
-You don't have to think of me, David.

l'm here for you.

Right.

l've brought some photographs
of the orchard.

l know how you love it at this time of year,
all those ripe plums.

Yes. Lovely.

l took one of the tennis court.

Right, you're going to love Chrissy.

She seems a bit quiet at first,

but once she's got a drink inside of her,
you know....

-And what's his name again?
-Colin.

-Colin. Colin the accountant.
-Yes. Mate from uni. Top man.

-Listen, you're not nervous, are you?
-No, no.

lt's going to be absolutely fine.
They're a really lovely couple. Okay?

-Yeah.
-Here we go.

-By the way, l've told them you're Spanish.
-What?

-Hey! You found us, then.
-Hello!

This must be Donna.

Hola Donna, buenos diaz, como es usted?

Hola Donna. How is it going?

-Does she speak any English?
-Not a sausage.

Right. Well, let me take your coat.

Blimey, she doesn't understand a word,
does she?

-Have you shagged her yet?
-Yeah, yeah.