All language subtitles for [English] Atheist Neurologist Transformed by Near Death Experience (NDE)- (Unintentional ASMR) [DownSub.com]

i'm going to do now is introduce
dr bettina payton and let her tell

her story about being an md who
was an atheist and a materialist

and had a near-death experience during
the birth of her third child bettina

thank you marjorie first i'll share some
highlights from my near-death experience

and then i'll describe its impact on my life

and the main point i want to convey in telling
my story is the close link between a near-death

experience and meditation in my case my brush
with death triggered a deep meditative state

my story begins in childhood when my father
told me that nothing happens after we die

i became an atheist on the spot and my subsequent
medical education reinforced the certainty

that what you see is what you get i was
confident that when your body dies it's all over

as a physician i was taught that death is the
enemy to be fought at all costs as a member of the

hospital resuscitation team i'd rush to the rescue
pumping on a patient's chest barking out orders

trying to save a life with which back in the
1980s was almost always an exercise in futility

virtually none of the patients
left the hospital alive

i used to feel bad putting the patients through
what we called a flog i'd look down at the body

and wonder if the person was at all conscious and
what it would be like how miserable and scary to

be conscious while being subjected to a futile
death ritual only to slip away into oblivion

amazingly two years later this is exactly what
happened to me i was totally aware as i went

through the dying process but instead of being
scared i was in a blissful transcendent state

during my second pregnancy an ultrasound showed
that the placenta had grown over the birth canal

and also was covering the entire front inner
wall of my uterus this meant that my surgeon

while performing a cesarean section would
have to cut directly through the placenta

which is essentially a spongy mass of dilated
veins so to prepare for what we knew would be

significant blood loss i began donating my
own blood to be transfused back if needed

we also knew that as my uterus enlarged the
placenta would be stretched and might start

to bleed sure enough in the seventh month the
bleeding began and i was admitted to the very

hospital where i'd completed my training two years
before the bleeding continued a little every day

the plan was to deliver the baby as soon as its
lungs were mature enough to breathe on its own

my husband also a doctor in the
same hospital came to my bedside

every evening with our year old twin boys
for a bedtime story and a kiss good night

finally one month later the baby's lungs are ready
and now i'm lying on the operating room table

being prepared for surgery several bags of my
own blood hang ready on the iv pole above my

right shoulder while the nurse scrubs my
abdomen and lays down the surgical drapes

i'm trying to act nonchalant joking with my
anesthesiologist as he inserts a large bore iv

in each arm the cool flow of the anesthetic
enters my vein and i lose consciousness

i am unconscious for some time until suddenly

i hear the anesthesiologist's
voice her blood pressure is too low

i'm amazed to be awake but not just awake super
alert more aware than i've ever been in my life

how wondrous that this super alert state is beyond
the reach of the drugs bathing my brain i can feel

the painless tugging of the surgery i can't see
because my eyelids are taped shut to protect the

corneas but i can hear the anesthesiologist
anxiously asking the surgeon about blood loss

the surgeon's tense answer is shocking the
baby's gone just as my mind tries to grapple

with those words the anesthesiologist cries
out [ __ ] now she has no blood pressure at all

in the next instant i feel a profound stillness
in the center of my chest something's missing

it's the beat of my heart my heart has
stopped beating and nobody else knows it yet

then suddenly i can see everything in the room

there are the bags of blood hanging on
the iv pole already being transfused my

anesthesiologist crouched on his stool next to
me oblivious to the fact that i have no heartbeat

then a series of loud beeps from the cardiac
monitor sends out the alarm the anesthesiologist

springs up and slams the large red knob on the
wall summoning the hospital resuscitation team

he flings off the surgical drapes and begins
pumping on my chest with his muscular arms

my ghostly pale body flops up and down
the worst has happened i've lost my baby

i've lost all my blood and now i'm having
a cardiac arrest but amazingly instead of

being terrified i'm watching the catastrophe
from a space of extraordinary equanimity

even as i realize i'm dying it's all over
and i'm about to slip into nothingness

but first a flog in a moment the
resuscitation team will burst into the room

pounce on my body and go through
the motions of the usual ritual

but something in me already knows it's useless
to fight the only thing to do is relax and let go

the stillness in my chest expands and i can
feel a current of energy drawing me inside

i let go into the flow floating deep inside all
awareness of the room and of my body drops away

i'm floating toward an edge toward a fast
emptiness beyond and then gliding over an

invisible threshold i plunge backward in a
graceful free fall down and down into nothingness

darkness engulfs me and then nothing no sense of
the world or of my own existence total blankness

kaboom a thundering sound echoing all around
and i'm suspended in space as if i've exploded

through some great barrier i am free the echoes
fade away profound silence velvety darkness

like the night sky all around an endless expanse
of radiant darkness shimmering mesmerizing

in all directions without horizon
astounding beauty boundless sparkling light

everywhere i turn this light is is looking back
at me it knows me this light is conscious this

beautiful light is consciousness itself all
knowing all-powerful humming with possibility

and the recognition dawns this is the supreme
reality i am filled with awe and exhilaration i

begin to soar through the vast expanse delighting
in its astonishing splendor in every direction

then i become still envelop enveloped in
velvety peace resting in perfect repose

you must live i hear a voice a command
not in words but in a kind of thunder

you must live i hear it again the command is
simple but baffling then i see a twinkling

point of light nestled deep within the
darkness a shimmering multifaceted sphere and

on its many facets colors flickering scenes of a
life i once lived all playing out simultaneously

my life my entire world contained
in a grain of flickering light

you must live the command resounds a third time
and now it is clear i am to return to that life

but how can i possibly fit into that tiny world
and besides that person's life is all over

how can it possibly be resurrected then in
an unbroken flow of wordless communication

the knowledge of how i am to return to that life
streams into my awareness i must be fearless

i must remain focused in the present moment i must
maintain the certainty that i am going to live

any distraction or worrying and i might not revive

there's a sudden stirring and a roaring sound like
rushing wind and i swirl around in a descending

spiral zooming downward at great speed and
then just as suddenly the commotion halts

and my vision opens into the operating room i am
watching from above the scenes spread out below

unfolding as if not a moment has passed there's
blood on the floor the anesthesiologist is still

pumping on my chest and the surgeon is
toiling away in my blood-filled abdomen

the resuscitation team is rushing in doctors
some young ones who might helped train bursting

through the double doors and practically
skidding to a stop wide-eyed and breathless

as they take their places around my body i can
feel their minds bracing for the inevitable

she's already gone and it's true my limp body
drained of all its blood looks beyond any hope

of resuscitation maintaining contact with the
expanded state i'm like an opening through which

the power of consciousness pours into the
room the life of bettina in the foreground

the great space of consciousness in the background
both filled with the same beautiful light

the atmosphere is charged with energy
guiding the efforts of the team

yes yes you can do it i'm going to live now let's
get to work the room is churning with personnel

the whole team in sync moving together as if in
a choreographed dance my certainty that i will

live pours forth in non-stop encouragement
yes yes you're doing great i'm going to live

and as far as resuscitations go this one is
going amazingly well but despite all their

best efforts they can't restart my motionless
heart and then i see a man his white hair like

a halo around his head dressed in blue scrubs
a senior surgeon entering the operating room

without a word he reaches into my abdomen as
his hand disappears into the lake of blood

my point of view drops down and i'm watching from
inside my body i can see his hand searching around

finding the largest artery my aorta wrapping his
fingers around it he clamps the great vessel shut

there's an intense stab of pain deep in
my core and then an explosion of white hot

light like a sunburst spreading at
lightning speed throughout my body

branching into millions of delicate
channels lighting up every pore every cell

the touch of this light is searingly hot its
brilliance stunning its intimacy both terrifying

and blissful i lie there in fear and awe and
gratitude because now i know i am going to live

i'm no longer watching the scene from above
i'm now stationed in my body lying flat on

the operating table all i feel is love and
all i can see is light radiating from my body

then i hear the voice of the elder surgeon stop
compressions he can feel a throbbing in my aorta

everyone falls silent waiting sure enough eight
minutes after it stopped my heart is beating again

i am ecstatic brimming over with energy and
such joy and gratitude that i want to leap up

and dance around the room a few minutes later one
of the doctors leans over and whispers in my ear

a message that fills me with even more joy you
have a beautiful baby girl and she's doing fine

just five days later i left the
hospital alive revived and mystified

with a beautiful baby girl in tow

i was me again but i was not the same

i felt totally new and for a time my awareness and
perception were extraordinarily sensitive and open

i could sense the inner state of others and
felt connected to people even from a distance

i could look inside my body and see my own
organs i could feel an intense but harmless heat

deep inside like my whole spinal cord was glowing
red hot and nothing not even bags of ice laid

out on my body could cool it and when someone
touched me i could feel energy flowing between us

i had entered the hospital as a close-minded
skeptic with a view of reality that was often

cynical i came out wonder struck awakened
to the sacred foundation of all existence

and ecstatic overflowing with a
sublime love i never knew existed

i couldn't wait to tell my husband the
good news you're not your body dying is

nothing to be afraid of my husband an
atheist looked at me like i was crazy

when i tried to tell him what i had discovered
i only had one word consciousness to him this

word was merely a medical term we used to
diagnose the level of alertness in a patient

no no you don't understand i said the
consciousness i'm talking about is something

extraordinary this consciousness is all pervasive
all-knowing all-powerful he shook his head

these words reminded him of the
religion he had rejected long ago

no you're the one who does not understand
he said nothing extraordinary happened

it's just a fantasy an altered state
produced by your oxygen-deprived brain

but i knew what i had experienced and i also knew
that it was possible to return to this experience

without having to nearly die so i set off
in search of understanding i found the first

books on near-death experiences which led me to
attend a meeting of the local ions group in boston

it was just a handful of people back in 1988
sharing our experiences and no one seemed to know

how to get back to that transcendent state then i
found an important clue i was reading a brochure

for a conference on mind body medicine and the
word meditation literally jumped off the page

it was almost as if the consciousness of my
near-death experience was in that word my

next thought was i need a teacher i went to a
program on meditation and they showed a video

of one of the meditation teachers a woman
as she spoke i didn't hear a word she said

i just stared at her eyes in them i saw something
she knows she knows whatever it is i need to know

i decided to do whatever it
took to meet her face to face

with great difficulty i arranged for coverage
at my job managed to convince my husband to

take care of our three little ones for the
weekend and set off for a meditation workshop

when i arrived i was told i could see the teacher
at the morning chat the next morning when the

teacher walked into the meditation hall my
heart jumped the moment i laid eyes on her

something in the way she moved the graceful swing
of her gate her flowing robes told me that this

was no ordinary person i recognized the power of
that extraordinary consciousness in her emanating

from her it filled the room my heart began to
pound as she took her seat and joined in the chant

and something inside was lengthening my spine
making me sit bolt upright so that my head

towered above the crowd and energy rose up and
poured out through my eyes beaming on the teacher

like a spotlight and then i heard a voice
inside a deep part of my own being say

look at me and then again louder look at
me and a third time like a silent roar

look at me at that very instant the teacher
raised her eyes from her chanting book

slowly her head began to turn in my direction
the sweep of her gaze halted and i knew the exact

moment that her eyes found mine suddenly a ray of
sparkling light was bridging the distance between

us and it seemed as if i traveled along it at
great speed falling right into her eyes falling

into the identical state of expanded consciousness
that i'd experienced when i almost died

the same radiant darkness the same expanse
of beautiful sparkling light all around

the same freedom the same ecstasy but this
time i could feel the teacher's presence

in that state we were one then i heard her speak
inside my mind welcome home you have come home

her words unleashed a river of love cascading
down like a mighty waterfall so powerful

that i lost all awareness when i regained
consciousness tears of joy had already soaked

the front of my shirt my whole body seemed to
be melting in waves of love and for the rest

of the workshop i kept gliding spontaneously in
and out of deep meditation that blissful state

ebbed over several days but now i
knew meditation was my way back home

my near-death experience brought many changes
to my life for one thing it launched me on the

path of meditation it also gave me the courage
to take an extended leave from medical practice

to go home and raise my children the near-death
experience inspired me to change the direction

of my career as a physician i decided to devote my
medical practice exclusively to end-of-life care

i joined the first wave of physicians
in creating the new specialty of hospice

and palliative medicine and helped to
establish and directed one of the first

state-of-the-art inpatient
hospice facilities in new england

near-death experience was perfect training
for caring for patients at the end of life

it gave me the ability to discern between physical
psychological and spiritual suffering and to

address each of them with the appropriate modality
it gave me the ability to sense where a patient

is in the dying process to connect on a non-verbal
energetic level and offer companionship and

encouragement having experienced the energy
that passes between people through touch

i now had a new respect for touch
as a powerful way to convey comfort

but the most potent potent medicine i had to
offer was my inner state it was my lack of fear

and the stillness cultivated by meditation
that brought the most comfort my daughter is

now 30 years old and even now not a day goes by
without me remembering my near-death experience

i've made some progress in assimilating its gifts

those who have known me over the years tell
me i've gotten much more fun to be around

they say i'm more relaxed and natural and that i'm
good in a glitch or an emergency my husband and i

recently hosted 150 guests at our home for our
son's wedding instead of getting all uptight as

i would have years ago i stayed relaxed i enjoyed
the whole occasion immensely and when people

remarked on how calm i was i would smile knowing
it's all because of my near-death experience

so thank you for letting me share my story
near-death experiences are a powerful

revelation that can change your world view but
for most of us it takes time perhaps a lifetime

to assimilate its gifts meditation has helped
me understand and re-access and begin to express

the great love that was awakened in my near-death
experience if you've had a near-death experience

you've had an experience of meditation meditation
is a tried-and-true way to assimilate and unfold

what you've been given so if you're at all curious
check it out find out for yourself thank you

you