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1
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:07,175
- READY IN FIVE, VOO.
2
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,477
LOAD US UP.
- GOT IT, CASH.
3
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,145
HI.
4
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,247
- HI...VOO...
5
00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:14,515
DOO?
6
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,084
I MEAN, VAL--DO YOU
LIKE VAL OR VOO?
7
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,586
OR DOO?
I LIKE ALL OF 'EM.
8
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:19,820
I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO CALL YOU.
9
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,390
- I LIKE VOODOO, BRIAN.
10
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,357
- OKAY, VOO.
11
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,159
VOODOO.
12
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,227
THIS WAS FUN.
[phone beeps]
13
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,595
- GOD DAMN IT!
14
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,230
MAMA LOST THE ELECTION
15
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,264
FOR PRESIDENT OF
THE CHURCH ALTAR COMMITTEE
16
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,899
TO SISTER BEULAH WATKINS.
17
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,267
- SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, RIGHT?
18
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,768
- I KEEP TELLING HER
TO JOIN THE CHOIR.
19
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,204
THAT'S WHERE ALL THE POWER IS.
20
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,005
SH--
21
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,541
I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO HER HOUSE
FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
22
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,676
YOU GOTTA GO WITH ME, MAN,
BECAUSE IF I SHOW UP ALONE,
23
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,178
SHE GONNA OPEN UP
THE BIG BOTTLE OF PINOT GRIGIO
24
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,846
AND ALL NIGHT
IT'S GONNA BE LIKE,
25
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,782
"THAT BITCH BEULAH IS MESSIN' UP
MY WALK WITH JESUS."
26
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,784
- I WOULD, BUT I-I CAN'T.
27
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:51,785
MY DAD'S TAKING
THERESA AND I OUT.
28
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,387
HE WANTS TO MEET HER.
29
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,855
HE WAS PRETTY
ADAMANT ABOUT IT TOO.
30
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,789
HE CALLED, LIKE, THREE TIMES
TO SET IT UP.
31
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,691
I THINK I FINALLY GOT A REAL
32
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,560
FATHER-SON THING GOING ON HERE.
MANY THANKS, BUDDY.
33
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,262
- SEE?
WHAT I TELL YOU?
34
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:02,763
LET THE HEALING BEGIN.
35
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,132
BRIAN, DO YOU WANNA GO TO DINNER
36
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,099
AT MY MOM'S HOUSE TOMORROW?
37
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,367
- DON'T BELIEVE I CAN,
38
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,635
I'M GONNA BE BUSY.
39
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,637
ASKING VOODOO TO DINNER.
40
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:10,704
ITALIAN.
41
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,274
- VOODOO?
42
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:16,810
- UM...UH, BRI,
43
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,480
VOODOO DOESN'T REALLY
DO DINNER DATES WITH GUYS.
44
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,582
SHE'S, UM--
- SHE NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.
45
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:22,983
- I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE HER.
46
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,585
- YEAH, SHE'S NOT
LIKE OTHER HUMANS.
47
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,786
- I KNOW, SHE'S DIFFERENT.
- YEAH, DIFFERENT.
48
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,588
DARK. VERY DARK.
- VERY.
49
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,789
- HOW DARK?
50
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,558
- LIKE DARTH VADER
WITH TITS DARK.
51
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,726
- I LOVE HOW I NEVER KNOW WHAT
SHE'S GONNA SAY NEXT.
52
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,495
- I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT SHE'S NOT GONNA SAY NEXT,
53
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:35,896
WHICH IS "BRIAN, I'M NEVER, EVER
HAVING SEX WITH YOU."
54
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,665
- SHE'S ASEXUAL.
- MM-HMM.
55
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,333
- MEANING?
- SHE DOESN'T HAVE SEX.
56
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:40,301
- WITH?
- ANYONE.
57
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,935
- EVER?
both: UH-UH.
58
00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:43,671
- SERIOUSLY?
- YEAH.
59
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,773
- YEAH, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE
THE IMAGINATION
60
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,508
TO MAKE UP A SEXUAL PATHOLOGY
THAT STRANGE AND THAT BORING.
61
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,777
- MAYBE SHE JUST
HASN'T MET THE RIGHT GUY YET.
62
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,779
- WELL, SHE MET JOHNNY DEPP
63
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,947
OUTSIDE OF GIBSON'S
STEAKHOUSE LAST YEAR.
64
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:57,351
- AND?
- SHE SAID HE LOOKED CLAMMY.
65
00:01:57,385 --> 00:02:00,421
- [breathing like Darth Vader]
66
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,423
KISS ME, BRIAN.
67
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,258
[both breathing
like Darth Vader]
68
00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:05,326
- KISS ME, BRIAN.
69
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,860
I AM YOUR FATHER.
70
00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,829
- STOP.
both: YOU TRY IT ON.
71
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,364
[imitates lightsaber]
72
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:12,032
- AMBULANCE NEEDED.
3141 WEST CHASE.
73
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,000
- OH, THAT'S HARRIET.
GET THAT SH--
74
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:13,801
- AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING!
75
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,303
both: OH!
76
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,505
- YES!
- SWEET HARRIET.
77
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:19,473
[chuckles]
- GOD DAMN YOU, HANK.
78
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,808
- TOO LATE.
79
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,210
- HEY, WE GOT DIBS
ON THE NEXT CALL.
80
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,878
SON OF A--
81
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,614
[sirens blare]
82
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,881
- WHO'S HARRIET?
83
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,450
- OH.
- [chuckles]
84
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,552
- HARRIET IS THE WORLD'S
BEST FREQUENT FLYER.
85
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:32,986
- COOL.
- MM-HMM.
86
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,855
- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS.
- [chuckles]
87
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,524
LOOK, A FREQUENT FLYER
88
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,891
IS SOMEBODY WHO CALLS
THE AMBULANCE ALL THE TIME.
89
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,827
- YEAH, USUALLY THEY'RE
HYPOCHONDRIACS
90
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,495
OR DUDES WHO WANT FREE DRUGS,
91
00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:42,896
OR OLD PEOPLE WHO JUST NEED
A FREE RIDE TO THE DOCTOR.
92
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,032
- PART OF THE JOB,
BUT HARRIET IS THE ONE
93
00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,734
WHO MAKES 'EM ALL WORTHWHILE.
94
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,036
- SHE IS THE MICHAEL JEFFREY
JORDAN OF FREQUENT FLYERS.
95
00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:51,805
- ALWAYS A FRIENDLY SMILE,
NEVER A SERIOUS AILMENT,
96
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:55,042
AND ALWAYS A FRESH BAKED BATCH
OF COOKIES WAITING ON US.
97
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,010
- I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO MASS IN OVER A YEAR,
98
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,546
BUT IF THESE COOKIES
WERE COMMUNION WAFERS,
99
00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,647
I'D BECOME A JESUIT.
- OH, THESE COOKIES
100
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,681
WILL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR SH--
101
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,650
YOU GONNA LOSE YOUR SH--, BRIAN.
102
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,586
[funky music]
103
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,889
*
104
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,658
- I HATE TO TROUBLE YOU BOYS,
105
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,526
BUT I JUST CAN'T
GET COMFORTABLE.
106
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,495
- YOU HAVE NOTHING
TO APOLOGIZE FOR, HARRIET.
107
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:15,863
IT'S THAT DOCTOR
WHO PUT IN THAT HIP REPLACEMENT.
108
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:16,997
HE'S THE ONE SHOULD APOLOGIZE.
109
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,699
- NOW, STOP THAT.
110
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,934
I WON'T HEAR A WORD
SAID AGAINST DR. KAPLAN.
111
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,736
- OH.
- TOO SWEET.
112
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,338
- YOUR CHARIOT IS READY, MA'AM.
113
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,007
- [chuckles]
I LIKE THIS ONE.
114
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,444
- WELL, THIS ONE
LIKES THAT ONE TOO.
115
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:33,046
- I DON'T SEE WHY
I HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.
116
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,584
YOU BOYS HAVE MADE ME
FEEL BETTER ALREADY.
117
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,752
- WELL, WE'LL TAKE YOU ANYWAY,
AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE.
118
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,053
[bell dings]
119
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:40,954
OH, IS THAT THE OVEN?
120
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,256
- ARE YOU COOKING SOMETHING?
121
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,557
- I THOUGHT I SMELLED SOMETHING
122
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,558
WHEN WE CAME IN HERE.
- IT SMELLS SO--
123
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,559
- OH, YOU.
124
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,561
HENRY.
- YES?
125
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:50,631
- WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS
TO TAKE THE COOKIES OUT FOR ME?
126
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:51,699
- YES, MA'AM.
127
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:52,966
- HE'S PROBABLY GONNA NEED
128
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,535
AN EXTRA SET OF HANDS.
- [chuckles]
129
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,769
- HARRIET'S CHARIOT.
130
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,938
[both chuckle]
131
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:01,575
HARRIET--EXCUSE ME.
132
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:02,943
- MMM.
133
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,545
DAMN YOU, HARRIET.
- MMM!
134
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,879
- YOU DID IT AGAIN,
YOU DEVIL, YOU.
135
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,881
- YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.
136
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,116
LOOK AT HER.
SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID.
137
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,719
- MM-HMM.
- HOLY SH--
138
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,053
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
139
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,455
THESE ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
140
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:15,923
- I'VE NEVER HEARD HIM
CURSE BEFORE.
141
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,791
YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF.
142
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:20,761
- UH, MRS. FIELDS, YOUR SERVICES
ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED.
143
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:21,995
- WHO'S MRS. FIELDS?
144
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:25,433
all: EXACTLY!
- [laughs]
145
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,901
- WE GOT DIBS ON
THE NEXT HARRIET CALL.
146
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,470
- FIRST COME,
FIRST SERVED, CASH.
147
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,671
YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS.
- THEM'S THE RULES.
148
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:32,640
- THOSE ARE THE RULES.
GRAMMAR!
149
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,142
- I KNOW WHAT THE RULES ARE.
I MADE THE RULES.
150
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,611
I'M JUST ASKING
FOR A LITTLE COURTESY.
151
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:40,981
I'M A DECORATED VETERAN
OF A FOREIGN WAR HERE.
152
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:41,982
READY IN THREE, VOO.
153
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:45,753
LOAD US UP.
- GOT IT.
154
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:46,987
- HEY, VOO...
155
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,022
DOO.
- HELLO.
156
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:53,461
- I LOVE THAT VOODOO
THAT YOU DO SO WELL.
157
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:58,031
FRANK SINATRA.
158
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:01,702
OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER.
159
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:05,172
ASEXUALITY IS ACTUALLY
A VERY INTERESTING PHENOMENON.
160
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,974
I DID SOME VERY EXTENSIVE
RESEARCH LAST NIGHT.
161
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,308
- OH, OF COURSE YOU DID.
162
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,943
- IT'S LIKE
THIS WHOLE NEW MOVEMENT.
163
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,546
THEY HAVE A SOCIETY WITH
A MANIFESTO AND EVERYTHING.
164
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,715
THEY EVEN HAVE A SYMBOL.
165
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,485
- WHAT IS IT, A LIMP PENIS
READING AN ENCYCLOPEDIA?
166
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,152
[both laugh]
167
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,454
- IT'S A GREY TRIANGLE.
168
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,722
- JESUS.
- WHAT?
169
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:22,790
- I THOUGHT THE RAINBOW WAS BAD.
- OH.
170
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,057
- YOU WANT MY HONEST OPINION?
171
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,393
- WOW.
- YOU DODGED A BULLET, BRI.
172
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,027
- YEAH, YEAH, VOODOO'S CRAZY.
173
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,996
EVEN IF SHE WAS SEXUAL,
YOU'D PROBABLY WIND UP
174
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,665
TIED UP IN A DUNGEON
WITH AN OLD PANTERA T-SHIRT
175
00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,901
STUFFED IN YOUR MOUTH.
[both laugh]
176
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:34,968
- CHICAGO NORTH.
177
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,003
AMBULANCE NEEDED.
178
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,038
3906 WEST BYRON.
179
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,907
- AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING.
- I'M NOT GIVING UP ON THIS,
180
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:40,908
'CAUSE I TELL YOU, GUYS.
181
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,175
WHENEVER I'M AROUND HER,
182
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,844
I GET BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH.
183
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:44,912
- THOSE AREN'T BUTTERFLIES,
BRIAN.
184
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,480
THAT'S THE VERY REAL FEAR
185
00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:47,848
THAT YOUR BODY PARTS
WILL BE FOUND
186
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:48,916
IN SEVERAL PIECES
OF ANTIQUE LUGGAGE.
187
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:51,151
- [laughs]
188
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,353
- CLIMB INTO
THE SUITCASE, BRIAN.
189
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,989
- WELL, THE FORCE
IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE.
190
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,391
- [laughs]
- WHAT?
191
00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,259
YOU'RE SUCH A DORK.
- GEEK.
192
00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:00,928
- WELL, YOU GUYS WERE THE ONE
DOING THE STAR WARS THING.
193
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,863
- WE'RE MAKING FUN OF IT.
- WE WERE MAKING FUN OF
194
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:03,664
THE STAR WARS THING.
- WHY WOULD YOU MAKE FUN OF IT?
195
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,833
IT'S AN AMAZING TRILOGY.
196
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,334
- WE'RE GONNA NEED TO STOP
THAT BLEEDING.
197
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,069
- FIND THE DIGIT, BRI.
- I'M ON IT.
198
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,438
- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
199
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,105
YOU EVER SEEN
THIS MANY BIRDHOUSES?
200
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,207
DOES THIS LOOK SANE TO YOU?
- THEY'RE GIFTS, IRENE.
201
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,076
GIFTS MEAN SOMETHING MORE WHEN
THEY'RE MADE PERSONAL.
202
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,511
- THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
203
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:18,946
- IT'S MY BRAND.
204
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,114
- PEOPLE DO APPRECIATE
A HOMEMADE GIFT.
205
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,550
- NO ONE WANTS A BIRDHOUSE.
206
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,585
- BIRDS WANT THEM, IRENE!
BIRDS!
207
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,421
- OOP, I FOUND IT.
- HEY.
208
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:28,756
CAN'T MAKE ANY GUARANTEES,
209
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,691
BUT THEY MIGHT
BE ABLE TO REATTACH IT.
210
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,425
- WE'RE GONNA DO OUR BEST TO GET
YOU BACK IN THE WORKSHOP
211
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,026
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
212
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,562
- YOU THINK A MISSING FINGER IS
GONNA STOP THIS LUNATIC?
213
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,897
HE ALREADY LOST ONE
ON THE OTHER HAND.
214
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:39,132
- NICE.
- IT'S A COMPULSION, DON.
215
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:40,568
HE'S GOT SOME KIND OF DISORDER.
216
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,869
- YOU GUYS WANT A BIRDHOUSE?
217
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,437
- OH, MY GOD,
I WAS AFRAID TO ASK.
218
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,072
THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, SIR.
219
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,874
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
TAKE AS MANY AS YOU LIKE.
220
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,308
- DON'T INDULGE HIM,
221
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,943
BUT, YES, PLEASE TAKE
A BIRDHOUSE, ALL OF YOU.
222
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,612
- AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
I MAKE 'EM CUSTOM.
223
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,246
- YOU'RE DELUSIONAL, DON.
224
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,415
I'LL GRAB THE INSURANCE CARD
AND BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
225
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:56,784
WHICH HOSPITAL
ARE YOU TAKING HIM TO?
226
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,086
- UH, HOLY ASCENSION
IS THE CLOSEST.
227
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,320
- TAKE HIM TO STREETERVILLE.
228
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:01,455
THEY DID A NICE JOB
OF SEWING HIM UP
229
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,256
WITH THE LAST ONE.
- WILL DO.
230
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,993
- GOD, I LOVE
THAT SON OF A BITCH.
231
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,127
- ALL RIGHT, HOW MANY BIRDHOUSES
EVERYBODY WANT?
232
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,562
TWO?
- TWO.
233
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,764
- TWO EACH?
- I'LL TAKE SIX.
234
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,166
SECOND THOUGHT,
I'D LIKE TO PICK MINE OUT.
235
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,109
- CAN YOU IMAGINE
HOW MUCH TIME YOU'D SAVE
236
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,611
IF YOU NEVER HAD SEX?
237
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,946
- YES.
- WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH IT?
238
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,448
- WELL, I'D TRY
TO CHANNEL MY THOUGHTS.
239
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,417
I'D THINK ABOUT
HOW LUCKY WE ARE
240
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,586
TO LIVE IN THIS GREAT COUNTRY
OF OURS,
241
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,923
AND ABOUT MY PARENTS
AND WORLD PEACE,
242
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,792
AND ALL THE POOR AND
IMPOVERISHED PEOPLE OUT THERE.
243
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,794
YOU?
- PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING.
244
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,030
MINUS THE PARENTS
AND THE WORLD PEACE--
245
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,197
AND THE--WHAT
WAS THE FIRST THING?
246
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,033
- [laughs]
247
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,167
- SO YOU JUST THINK ABOUT SEX
ALL DAY LONG?
248
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,168
- NOT WHILE I'M EATING.
249
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,703
OH, THAT'S A LIE.
250
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:50,704
I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT
ROSARIO DAWSON'S ASS.
251
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:53,874
- MM. WHY?
- WHY NOT?
252
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,143
- AMBULANCE NEEDED.
3141 WEST CHASE.
253
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,045
- OOH! AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING!
- THAT'S HARRIET.
254
00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,680
- AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING!
- THAT'S HARRIET!
255
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,981
- GOD DAMN YOU GUYS!
256
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,816
- DO YOU GUYS
WANNA TAKE THIS ONE?
257
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,051
- DUDE, EVERY TIME.
- MAYBE--I'M JUST KIDDING.
258
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,886
- YOU BETTER BRING ME
BACK SOME COOKIES!
259
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,996
- I GUESS WE ALL KNEW SOME DAY
THIS CALL WOULD COME.
260
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,298
- YEAH.
261
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,667
- IT'S WEIRD,
BUT FOR SOME REASON
262
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,134
I THOUGHT SHE'D OUTLIVE US ALL.
- MM.
263
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:24,071
- AT LEAST SHE DIDN'T SUFFER.
- YEAH.
264
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,238
- WELL, I'LL CALL THE CORONER.
265
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,073
YOU GUYS START CLEANING UP.
266
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,841
- HOLD UP.
267
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,510
SLOW DOWN.
268
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:34,014
LET'S JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY
GOOD-BYE TO OUR FRIEND, HARRIET.
269
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,586
- GOOD-BYE, HARRIET.
- GOOD-BYE, HARRIET.
270
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,020
- GLAD I GOT TO MEET YOU.
271
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,155
- SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON.
- GREATEST GENERATION.
272
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,257
- HMM.
[bell dings]
273
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,064
I'LL GET THE COOKIES,
YOU GET THE MILK,
274
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,200
YOU CALL THE CORONER.
- GOT IT.
275
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,902
WE'RE EATING THE COOKIES?
276
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,503
- OF COURSE WE ARE.
277
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,938
THEY'RE THE LAST THING
THAT SHE MADE ON EARTH.
278
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,339
- IT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL
NOT TO.
279
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,440
- OKAY, BUT WE SHOULD
PROBABLY SAVE SOME
280
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,575
FOR THE OTHER GUYS IN THE DEPOT.
281
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:02,676
- YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.
- OF COURSE.
282
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,011
- WE'RE NOT ANIMALS.
283
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,045
- I MEAN,
CASH PRETTY MUCH INSISTED.
284
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,347
both: WHO DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
285
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,618
- SO YOU ATE ALL THE COOKIES?
286
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,786
- I'M SORRY.
287
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,121
- ALL THE GODDAMN COOKIES?
288
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:17,124
- WE TRIED.
- WE REALLY DID.
289
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,258
WE TRIED SO HARD.
290
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,227
- I DIDN'T TRY.
291
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,895
NONE OF US TRIED.
292
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,931
YOU LICKED THE PLATE.
YOU KNOW THE DEAL.
293
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,132
YOU GET THE CALL,
YOU GET THE COOKIES.
294
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,433
- THAT IS THE DEAL.
295
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,737
- BUT THOSE WERE
THE LAST COOKIES!
296
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,640
THEY BETTER NOT
HAVE BEEN SNICKERDOODLES.
297
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,775
IF THEY WERE SNICKERDOODLES,
LIE TO ME.
298
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,814
- THEY WEREN'T SNICKERDOODLES.
- OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE KILLING ME.
299
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:43,283
- CASH, I'M SORRY WE ATE
ALL THE COOKIES, MAN.
300
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,085
BUT LET ME MAKE AMENDS
301
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,420
BY TAKING YOU TO THE BEST
HOMEMADE DINNER YOU EVER HAD.
302
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,222
- YOUR MOM DOING THE COOKING?
- YEP.
303
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,457
- SHE'S CRAZY, RIGHT?
304
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,293
- SHE NOT CRAZY...PER SE.
305
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,763
- CRAZY'S A GOOD THING
IN THE KITCHEN.
306
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,831
MY EX WAS BATSH--
IN THE BEDROOM,
307
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,933
BUT IN THE KITCHEN
SHE WAS IRISH.
308
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,936
OF ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE TO TAKE
AFTER WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD.
309
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,172
BOILED MEAT, BOILED POTATOES.
310
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,475
COULDN'T TASTE A DAMN THING
EXCEPT FOR THE WHISKEY.
311
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:12,179
THANK GOD ALMIGHTY
FOR THE WHISKEY.
312
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,413
AM I GONNA NEED WHISKEY TONIGHT?
313
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,749
- HELL NO.
- I'M IN.
314
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,818
- ALL RIGHT.
315
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,924
- SO, I HEAR YOU MET
JOHNNY DEPP.
316
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,926
- YEP.
317
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,928
- I'M A BIG PIRATES
OF THE CARIBBEAN FAN.
318
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,863
GOT MY FINGERS CROSSED
FOR NUMBER FIVE.
319
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:36,603
WHAT, UH--
WHAT WAS HE LIKE?
320
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,272
- HE HAD ON MORE EYE MAKEUP
THAN MY MOM WEARS
321
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,142
AND SEVEN SCARVES.
322
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,311
SEVEN SCARVES.
323
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:47,681
AND SIX EARRINGS
AND HE SMELLED LIKE VANILLA.
324
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,017
I LIKE MEN WHO LOOK
AND DRESS AND SMELL LIKE MEN.
325
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,891
- SO, UH, I DID
SOME READING ON ASEXUALITY.
326
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:00,060
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SYMBOL
OF ASEXUALITY
327
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,995
IS THE GREY TRIANGLE?
328
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,797
- I'M JUST ASEXUAL, BRIAN.
329
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,465
I DON'T MARCH
IN PARADES OR ANYTHING.
330
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,400
- ARE THERE PARADES?
- I DON'T KNOW.
331
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:08,335
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO DID THE RESEARCH.
332
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,004
- RIGHT.
333
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,540
I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF ASEXUAL.
I'M CELIBATE.
334
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,542
- OH, YOU ARE?
FOR HOW LONG?
335
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,344
- SINCE ME AND MY LAST
GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP.
336
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,412
- OH, SEE THAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
337
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,248
YOU CAN'T GET LAID.
338
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,050
I DON'T WANT TO.
339
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,885
- WELL, YEAH, I'M SURE GUYS
ARE ALWAYS HITTING ON YOU.
340
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,686
- NO, THEY DON'T.
341
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,522
I GIVE OFF A VERY DISTINCT VIBE.
- WHICH IS?
342
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,391
- DON'T HIT ON ME
OR I WILL KILL YOU.
343
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,861
- OH, THANK GOD.
344
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,563
I WAS WORRIED
THAT IT WAS JUST ME.
345
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,166
LISTEN, MAYBE IT'S--YOU KNOW,
346
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,268
THIS THING IS--
IS JUST A PHASE.
347
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,702
- IT ISN'T JUST A PHASE.
348
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,104
- OH, I KNOW YOU
DON'T THINK IT IS.
349
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,506
I, FOR INSTANCE,
FOR YEARS AND YEARS
350
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,441
THOUGHT I DIDN'T LIKE OLIVES.
351
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,677
THEN ONE DAY I TRIED ONE.
352
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,380
NOW I THINK OLIVES
ARE TREMENDOUS.
353
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,983
- I LOVE OLIVES.
354
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:58,952
[sniffs]
355
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,789
- YEP.
356
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:05,058
- YOU SMELL...SO BAD.
357
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,259
- SORRY.
358
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:07,961
LONG DAY ON THE RIG.
359
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,930
- [sniffs]
NO, IT'S GOOD.
360
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,032
I LIKE IT.
- YEAH?
361
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,733
- BUT I DON'T LIKE SEX.
- MM.
362
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:14,902
- AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE
363
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,403
EVEN MORE THAN SEX?
- SCARVES?
364
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,906
- TALKING ABOUT
HOW I DON'T LIKE IT.
365
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,774
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, BRIAN.
366
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:23,143
AND IF YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS,
I'M COOL WITH IT.
367
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,279
BUT SEX?
BLECH.
368
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:30,050
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
369
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,451
- OKAY.
370
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,287
NO SEX.
AWESOME.
371
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,828
- GREAT, THANK YOU.
372
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,964
- HEY, YOU MUST BE THERESA.
373
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,432
- HI.
- OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE GORGEOUS.
374
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:46,934
- YEAH.
375
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:47,968
- GUESS WE KNOW
WHO DUMPED WHO, HUH?
376
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,402
[laughs]
377
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,138
- WHO'S THIS?
- THIS IS MY SON, JACK.
378
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,974
JACK, THIS IS THERESA AND
YOUR UNCLE-BROTHER, JOHNNY.
379
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,775
- HI, JACK.
- HI.
380
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:59,012
- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T--
- HE'S MY SON WITH COCO.
381
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,780
- AND YOU GAVE HIM
THE SAME NAME AS ME?
382
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:03,283
- NO, HIS NAME IS JACK,
YOUR NAME IS JOHN.
383
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,651
TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
384
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:05,518
- HI, UNCLE-BROTHER JOHNNY.
385
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,154
- HEY...JACK.
386
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,956
- HEY, PLAY SOME MADDEN NOW,
KIDDO.
387
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,157
ATTABOY.
388
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,425
YEAH, TURN IT UP
REALLY LOUD, YEAH.
389
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,261
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
390
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,328
I NEED YOU GUYS TO WATCH THE KID
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
391
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,663
- WHAT?
- OH--
392
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:17,464
- I GOT A SURE THING
AT THE TRACK.
393
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,498
IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE LONG.
394
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,033
PLUS IT'LL BE LIKE A DRY RUN
395
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,334
FOR THE DAY
WHEN YOU TWO HAVE KIDS.
396
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,169
- THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
- WHY NOT?
397
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,871
- I--
398
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,272
UM...BECAUSE I HAD A DAD
399
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,639
WHO NEVER WANTED
TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH ME,
400
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:27,374
WHO NOW HAS ANOTHER KID
HE DOESN'T WANNA
401
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:29,176
SPEND ANY TIME WITH.
402
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,777
- HE'S NOT A KID.
HE'S YOUR BROTHER.
403
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,512
YOU ALWAYS BITCHED
ABOUT NOT HAVING A BROTHER.
404
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:33,546
- I WANTED ONE WHO WAS, LIKE,
THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.
405
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,482
NOT THREE GODDAMN DECADES.
406
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:36,349
- HOW OLD ARE YOU, SWEETHEART?
407
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:37,951
- I'M 27.
- WOW.
408
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:38,952
YOU DON'T START
HAVING KIDS SOON,
409
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,387
YOUR EGGS ARE GONNA DRY UP.
410
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,322
- HEY.
- IT'S LIKE HE'S FROM THE 1950s.
411
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,524
- I KNOW.
- 1948, TO BE EXACT.
412
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,293
ALL THESE BROADS NOWADAYS,
413
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,495
HAVING KIDS IN THEIR
LATE 30s AND 40s,
414
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,197
AND THEN THEY
WANNA HAVE A CAREER TOO?
415
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:53,200
THIS JUST IN--
YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.
416
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,168
- WELL, THIS JUST IN: I'M ABOUT
TO KICK YOUR DAD IN THE NUTS.
417
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:56,669
- GO AHEAD, DARLING.
HAVE AT IT.
418
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,906
'CAUSE I DON'T
HAVE ANY NUTS LEFT.
419
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,308
I'M A 65-YEAR-OLD
RETIRED FIREFIGHTER
420
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,743
WITH A 37-YEAR-OLD WIFE
WITH A FULL-TIME JOB
421
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:06,413
WHO LEAVES ME AT HOME
WITH A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD KID.
422
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,981
LOOK AT ALL THE SH--
I'M CARRYING.
423
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,250
HELMETS, ELBOW PADS,
KNEE PADS...
424
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,351
- I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS
WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.
425
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,686
- SCENTED GODDAMN SKIN WIPES.
426
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,056
I'M LIKE A GAY FREAKIN'
SHERPA GUIDE.
427
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,091
WHEN THE HELL DID KIDS
BECOME SUCH PUSSIES?
428
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,559
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP
IN BOSTON...
429
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,328
- DAD.
- WE DIDN'T HAVE VIDEO GAMES.
430
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,429
WE PLAYED OUTSIDE.
- DAD.
431
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:23,863
- ALL DAY.
- DAD.
432
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:24,664
- HE'S TRYING
TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.
433
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,598
- DAD!
- WHAT?
434
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,167
- I JUST SCORED A TOUCHDOWN.
435
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,069
- THAT'S NICE, SON.
436
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,604
HE NEVER TOUCHED
A REAL FOOTBALL IN HIS LIFE.
437
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:33,106
HIS MOTHER SAYS
IT'S TOO VIOLENT.
438
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,707
SO HE PLAYS SOCCER WITH GIRLS
439
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,709
IN A LEAGUE
WHERE THEY DON'T KEEP SCORE.
440
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,612
AT THIS POINT, I'M JUST HAPPY
THE KID AIN'T WEARING A DRESS.
441
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,414
- DAD, DAD, DAD, EXTRA POINT!
442
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,116
- GOOD BOY, JACK.
443
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,285
YOU'RE A COP, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
444
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,853
- PERFECT,
I'LL JUST STEAL YOUR PURSE,
445
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,121
RUN LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL,
YOU SHOOT ME IN THE LEG.
446
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,389
THAT WAY
I CAN SLEEP FOR, LIKE,
447
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,124
A WEEK AND A HALF
IN THE HOSPITAL.
448
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:54,294
- DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD,
DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD!
449
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,129
- I'M SERIOUS.
450
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,269
- YEAH, HE'S GOT
A LOT OF ENERGY.
451
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,570
- YOU WERE THE EXACT SAME WAY.
452
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,106
WORSE EVEN.
- REALLY?
453
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,907
I MUST HAVE
BEEN A GIANT PAIN IN THE ASS.
454
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,243
- I WOULDN'T KNOW,
I WAS ALWAYS AT WORK.
455
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,911
BUT YOU PUT SOME MILEAGE
ON YOUR MOM THOUGH.
456
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,880
GOD LOVE HER.
SHE WAS ALWAYS AT HOME.
457
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,882
BEING A MOM IS A FULL-TIME JOB.
458
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,151
- WELL, I'M NOT GONNA STOP BEING
A COP WHEN I HAVE CHILDREN.
459
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,286
I'M GONNA DO BOTH.
460
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,954
AND NO VIDEO GAMES FOR MY KIDS.
461
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,555
BOOKS.
462
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,923
THEY'RE GONNA LEARN
TO READ ACTUAL BOOKS.
463
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,258
- YOU MIGHT WANNA GO
THE ADOPTION ROUTE THEN.
464
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,493
PICK OUT A REAL SMART ONE.
465
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,061
ASIANS, AFRICANS.
466
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,063
PLUS THE ASIANS
ARE UNBELIEVABLY NEAT.
467
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,764
A BUDDY OF MINE'S GOT ONE.
468
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,600
YOU COULD EAT OFF THE FLOOR
IN THAT KID'S ROOM.
469
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,002
AND THE AFRICAN KIDS,
470
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,636
WELL, BETWEEN THE MARATHONS
AND THE MUSIC,
471
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,005
YOU'RE MAKING MONEY
OFF 'EM EITHER WAY.
472
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,607
- DAD, DAD, DAD, WATCH THIS!
473
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,009
- OH, YOU GUYS STAY HERE.
474
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,576
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
475
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:44,744
- TO THE DRUG STORE
TO GET SOME BENADRYL.
476
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,179
KNOCKS HIM RIGHT OUT.
477
00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:47,680
ONLY THING THAT WORKS
WHEN HE GETS LIKE THIS.
478
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,749
- OKAY, WE ARE NOT GIVING
THAT BOY BENADRYL.
479
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,251
- WHY, YOU GOT
SOMETHING STRONGER?
480
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,619
- OKAY, RELAX.
- [scoffs]
481
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,654
- I REMEMBER THIS NOW.
482
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,923
I KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE
THE ONLY CHILD AND A BOY.
483
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,192
I KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS.
JACK, GIMME FIVE.
484
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:00,693
UP HIGH.
485
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:01,995
DOWN LOW.
TOO SLOW.
486
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:05,065
COME HERE, LET'S GO.
- [laughs]
487
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,203
- DOES HE TALK?
488
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,871
- HE'S JUST ENJOYING DINNER,
MAMA.
489
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,506
- WELL, HE JUST ENJOYED
A WHOLE BOWL
490
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,308
FULL OF MY POTATO AU GRATIN.
491
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,944
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- EXCUSE ME?
492
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,213
- IT'S NOT AU GRATIN IF IT
DOESN'T HAVE CHEESE ON IT.
493
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,282
- ARE YOU CRITIQUING MY FOOD?
494
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,983
- MAMA.
- NO, I'M ENJOYING YOUR FOOD,
495
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,852
I'M JUST CRITIQUING
YOUR TERMINOLOGY.
496
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,454
- DON'T DO THAT.
- REALLY?
497
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,189
- LOOK, YOU CAN COOK.
THAT'S OBVIOUS.
498
00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:30,957
I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU
499
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,726
THE EMBARRASSMENT OF CALLING
YOUR DISHES BY THE WRONG NAME.
500
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,363
- IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I
SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT?
501
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,031
- WELL, SINCE YOU ASKED,
502
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,200
THAT PORTRAIT OF JESUS ON
THE WALL.
503
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,036
[laughs]
504
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:46,373
- I KNOW YOU ARE NOT ABOUT TO
CRITICIZE MY LORD AND SAVIOR.
505
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,241
- I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.
PASS THE ROLLS.
506
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:49,676
BUT MAKING HIM BLACK?
507
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,478
THAT'S A BRIDGE TOO FAR.
508
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,879
- WELL, HE WASN'T WHITE.
509
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,714
- HE DIDN'T
LOOK LIKE WILL SMITH.
510
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,083
- BETHLEHEM WAS IN--
511
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,717
- IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
I GET IT.
512
00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,386
BUT REALISTICALLY,
513
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,521
JESUS LOOKED
MORE LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN
514
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,223
THAN THE FRESH GODDAMN
PRINCE OF BEL AIR.
515
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,491
- OKAY.
- MISTER, YOU LOOKING
516
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,059
FOR TROUBLE?
517
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,160
WELL, TROUBLE
IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE.
518
00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,895
- OH, SH--
519
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:10,263
- I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU
ABOUT HISTORY AND ART.
520
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,431
- OH, SH--
- I MEAN, WHO PAINTED THAT CRAP?
521
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,399
- I PAINTED IT!
- WELL, SHE--
522
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,000
AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
523
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,868
THAT MY SERIES OF BLACK JESUS
PORTRAITS SOLD OUT
524
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:16,736
AT THE DECATUR ART FESTIVAL.
525
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,671
- OH, GET OUT OF HERE.
526
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,840
THEY SELL THEM THINGS
DOWN THERE BY THE LIQUOR STORE.
527
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,375
- AW, MAN.
- HANK.
528
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:23,676
- YOU KNOW, I THINK
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME
529
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,612
TO SAY A PRAYER--
UH--UH, SOMETHING.
530
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,013
- NO, IT MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME
FOR ME TO CHOKE HIS ASS OUT.
531
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,681
- MAMA--MAMA,
DON'T CHOKE HIM OUT.
532
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:29,949
- YOU LET HIM SAY SOMETHING ELSE
TO ME ABOUT MY JESUS.
533
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,451
- THESE GREENS
COULD USE A PRAYER.
534
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:33,353
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
- OH.
535
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,621
I'M GONNA TELL--JUST A LITTLE
ON THE TOUGH SIDE.
536
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:35,455
- MAMA, YOU KNOW--
- I'M JUST SAYIN'.
537
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,393
- HE'S OUT.
538
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:41,628
- YOUR JACK
HAS A GOOD LITTLE ARM.
539
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,029
- I NEVER KNEW.
540
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,631
HIS MOM WON'T
LET HIM PLAY CATCH.
541
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,933
SHE'S AFRAID THE BALL
WOULD HIT HIM IN THE FACE.
542
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,435
JESUS, HE REALLY
LOVED THAT PIZZA.
543
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,237
- YEAH.
544
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,205
I'M LIKING THE WAY THAT
PLAYING WITH YOUR JACK
545
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:53,940
IS LOOKING ON MY JOHNNY.
546
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:55,275
- AH, YOU WANNA HAVE KIDS,
RIGHT?
547
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,544
SURE YOU DO, YOU'RE A BROAD.
548
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,146
SORRY.
CHICK.
549
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,548
- HI.
- [laughs]
550
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,316
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
LET'S GET BACK GOING.
551
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,051
- JUST COOKING 101.
552
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,419
IF YOU'RE GONNA FRY
YOUR OWN FISH,
553
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,288
YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE
THE OIL'S HOT.
554
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,390
- MY OIL IS HOT.
555
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,492
- IF YOUR FISH IS BREAKING UP IN
THE PAN, THAT OIL AIN'T HOT.
556
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,228
- MY OIL IS DAMN HOT.
HOT AS HELL.
557
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,563
- OKAY, MAMA,
THAT WAS GREAT.
558
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,431
THANK YOU SO MUCH,
BUT WE--WE GOTTA GO.
559
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,433
COME ON, CASH.
- I HAVE NEVER, EVER
560
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,503
IN MY LIFE BEEN SPOKEN TO
IN THIS MANNER IN MY OWN HOUSE.
561
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,405
JESUS IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR
562
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,774
AND MY JESUS CAN LOOK ANY
GODDAMN WAY I WANT HIM TO.
563
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:30,810
- OKAY, YOUR HOUSE,
YOUR JESUS, I SUPPOSE.
564
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,813
BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW--
AND KNOW DAMN WELL--IS FISH.
565
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,583
HOW TO CATCH 'EM,
HOW TO COOK 'EM.
566
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,619
SH--, I ALMOST CAUGHT ME A
MEKONG KING CATFISH IN VIETNAM.
567
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,254
- OKAY.
568
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,589
- LARGEST FRESHWATER FISH
ON THE PLANET.
569
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,656
- WELL, I DON'T
GIVE A DAMN ABOUT NO
570
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,858
VIETCONG CATFISH-ASS BULLSH--
571
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,360
- OKAY, COME ON, CASH.
572
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,862
LET'S--LET'S LET MAMA REST.
573
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,264
- NO, YOU GO AHEAD, MAN.
574
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,300
I'M--I'M GONNA STAY A WHILE.
575
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,634
- WHAT?
576
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,835
- YOU HEARD ME.
GO ON, MAN.
577
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,304
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.
578
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,338
I'LL BE FINE.
579
00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,139
- HE'S GONNA BE REAL FINE.
580
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:01,874
- WERE WE SITTING
AT THE SAME TABLE?
581
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,643
- YOU WERE.
NOW YOU AIN'T.
582
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:07,680
- BYE, BABY.
583
00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:10,683
GO ON, LOCK THE DOOR,
PULL THE SHADES.
584
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:11,951
- NICE BOY.
585
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,620
- MM, WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME ICE CREAM?
586
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:14,654
- YOU GOT SOME
COOL WHIP WITH THAT?
587
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,457
[knocks on door]
588
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,891
- HI.
589
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,293
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
590
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,561
- I'M SORRY, IS THIS WEIRD?
591
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:22,695
- YEAH.
592
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,564
- GOOD.
593
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:28,835
'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO
MAKE IT EVEN WEIRDER.
594
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:31,704
YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX,
AND THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
595
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:34,173
'CAUSE I'M NOT HAVING SEX
RIGHT NOW EITHER.
596
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,008
YOU DON'T LIKE SEX,
I HAPPEN TO LOVE IT.
597
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:40,046
FROM WHAT I REMEMBER, IT WAS
PRETTY AWESOME...FOR ME.
598
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,315
I CAN'T REALLY SPEAK FOR
EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED.
599
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,252
SO FORGET SEX.
600
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,653
I LIKE YOU.
601
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,888
I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY
AND DIFFERENT
602
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,423
AND I NEVER KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
603
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,058
AND OBVIOUSLY
I THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
604
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:55,728
BUT IF WE NEVER HAVE SEX,
THAT'S OKAY.
605
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:59,499
'CAUSE I'M JUST HAPPY
BEING AROUND YOU.
606
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,701
SO...
607
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,671
HERE.
608
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,705
- A BIRDHOUSE.
609
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:08,775
- LOOK INSIDE.
610
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,880
- OH, MY GOD.
611
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,115
IS IT REAL?
612
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,885
- IT BELONGED TO THE MAN
WHO BUILT THE BIRDHOUSE.
613
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,788
AND NOW IT BELONGS TO YOU.
614
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:25,258
- HOLY SH--
615
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,027
THIS USED TO BE ON A PERSON?
616
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,562
- YEAH.
617
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:33,065
- BRIAN...
618
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:34,801
THIS IS ONE OF THE ABSOLUTE
NICEST THINGS
619
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:37,537
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
620
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,205
- IF YOU STARE AT IT LONG ENOUGH
621
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,007
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEGINNING
TO TWITCH.
622
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:46,946
- OH, WAS THAT TOO MUCH?
623
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:48,415
- MM-HMM.
A LITTLE BIT.
624
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,749
- A STEP TOO FAR?
- A LITTLE.
625
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:50,783
JUST EASE ME INTO IT.
626
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,285
- YEAH, WE CAN TAKE IT SLOW.
627
00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:54,621
- LOOK AT THAT
DREAMY LITTLE FACE.
628
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,458
- GUESS ALL THAT PLAYING CATCH
629
00:20:58,491 --> 00:20:59,759
REALLY WORE HIM OUT.
- MM-HMM.
630
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:03,463
- AND TAG.
AND HIDE AND SEEK.
631
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:06,799
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
ABOUT HIM?
632
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:08,935
- MM.
633
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:10,337
ALL THAT BENADRYL YOU GAVE HIM,
634
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,504
HE'S GONNA BE ASLEEP ALL NIGHT.
635
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:12,839
- HE WAS GETTING
VERY, VERY CRANKY.
636
00:21:12,872 --> 00:21:14,874
- HE WAS.
637
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,512
- THERE.
- [gasps]
638
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:20,513
- IT MOVED.
- NO!
639
00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:21,848
- YEAH.
- DID IT?
640
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:23,983
- LOOK AGAIN.
641
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:25,685
[keys jingle]
- HELLO?
642
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:27,654
- HEY, MAN.
643
00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:29,356
YOUR MOM'S JUST CHECKING TO MAKE
SURE YOU GOT HOME SAFE.
644
00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:30,423
- YEP, JUST PULLED IN.
645
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:31,824
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
646
00:21:31,858 --> 00:21:33,793
SHE'LL BE GLAD TO HEAR IT.
647
00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:34,827
GOOD NIGHT...
648
00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:36,663
- MM-HMM.
- SON.
46170
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