All language subtitles for Sirens.2014.S01E06.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-RCVR_track3_eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:07,175 - READY IN FIVE, VOO. 2 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,477 LOAD US UP. - GOT IT, CASH. 3 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,145 HI. 4 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:13,247 - HI...VOO... 5 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:14,515 DOO? 6 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,084 I MEAN, VAL--DO YOU LIKE VAL OR VOO? 7 00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,586 OR DOO? I LIKE ALL OF 'EM. 8 00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:19,820 I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO CALL YOU. 9 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,390 - I LIKE VOODOO, BRIAN. 10 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,357 - OKAY, VOO. 11 00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,159 VOODOO. 12 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,227 THIS WAS FUN. [phone beeps] 13 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,595 - GOD DAMN IT! 14 00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,230 MAMA LOST THE ELECTION 15 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,264 FOR PRESIDENT OF THE CHURCH ALTAR COMMITTEE 16 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,899 TO SISTER BEULAH WATKINS. 17 00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,267 - SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, RIGHT? 18 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,768 - I KEEP TELLING HER TO JOIN THE CHOIR. 19 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,204 THAT'S WHERE ALL THE POWER IS. 20 00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,005 SH-- 21 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,541 I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO HER HOUSE FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT. 22 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,676 YOU GOTTA GO WITH ME, MAN, BECAUSE IF I SHOW UP ALONE, 23 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,178 SHE GONNA OPEN UP THE BIG BOTTLE OF PINOT GRIGIO 24 00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,846 AND ALL NIGHT IT'S GONNA BE LIKE, 25 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,782 "THAT BITCH BEULAH IS MESSIN' UP MY WALK WITH JESUS." 26 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,784 - I WOULD, BUT I-I CAN'T. 27 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:51,785 MY DAD'S TAKING THERESA AND I OUT. 28 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,387 HE WANTS TO MEET HER. 29 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,855 HE WAS PRETTY ADAMANT ABOUT IT TOO. 30 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,789 HE CALLED, LIKE, THREE TIMES TO SET IT UP. 31 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,691 I THINK I FINALLY GOT A REAL 32 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,560 FATHER-SON THING GOING ON HERE. MANY THANKS, BUDDY. 33 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,262 - SEE? WHAT I TELL YOU? 34 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:02,763 LET THE HEALING BEGIN. 35 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,132 BRIAN, DO YOU WANNA GO TO DINNER 36 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,099 AT MY MOM'S HOUSE TOMORROW? 37 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,367 - DON'T BELIEVE I CAN, 38 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,635 I'M GONNA BE BUSY. 39 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,637 ASKING VOODOO TO DINNER. 40 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:10,704 ITALIAN. 41 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,274 - VOODOO? 42 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:16,810 - UM...UH, BRI, 43 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,480 VOODOO DOESN'T REALLY DO DINNER DATES WITH GUYS. 44 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,582 SHE'S, UM-- - SHE NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS. 45 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:22,983 - I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I LIKE HER. 46 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,585 - YEAH, SHE'S NOT LIKE OTHER HUMANS. 47 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,786 - I KNOW, SHE'S DIFFERENT. - YEAH, DIFFERENT. 48 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,588 DARK. VERY DARK. - VERY. 49 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,789 - HOW DARK? 50 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,558 - LIKE DARTH VADER WITH TITS DARK. 51 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,726 - I LOVE HOW I NEVER KNOW WHAT SHE'S GONNA SAY NEXT. 52 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,495 - I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S NOT GONNA SAY NEXT, 53 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:35,896 WHICH IS "BRIAN, I'M NEVER, EVER HAVING SEX WITH YOU." 54 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,665 - SHE'S ASEXUAL. - MM-HMM. 55 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,333 - MEANING? - SHE DOESN'T HAVE SEX. 56 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:40,301 - WITH? - ANYONE. 57 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,935 - EVER? both: UH-UH. 58 00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:43,671 - SERIOUSLY? - YEAH. 59 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,773 - YEAH, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE THE IMAGINATION 60 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,508 TO MAKE UP A SEXUAL PATHOLOGY THAT STRANGE AND THAT BORING. 61 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,777 - MAYBE SHE JUST HASN'T MET THE RIGHT GUY YET. 62 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,779 - WELL, SHE MET JOHNNY DEPP 63 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,947 OUTSIDE OF GIBSON'S STEAKHOUSE LAST YEAR. 64 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:57,351 - AND? - SHE SAID HE LOOKED CLAMMY. 65 00:01:57,385 --> 00:02:00,421 - [breathing like Darth Vader] 66 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,423 KISS ME, BRIAN. 67 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,258 [both breathing like Darth Vader] 68 00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:05,326 - KISS ME, BRIAN. 69 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,860 I AM YOUR FATHER. 70 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,829 - STOP. both: YOU TRY IT ON. 71 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,364 [imitates lightsaber] 72 00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:12,032 - AMBULANCE NEEDED. 3141 WEST CHASE. 73 00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,000 - OH, THAT'S HARRIET. GET THAT SH-- 74 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:13,801 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING! 75 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,303 both: OH! 76 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,505 - YES! - SWEET HARRIET. 77 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:19,473 [chuckles] - GOD DAMN YOU, HANK. 78 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,808 - TOO LATE. 79 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,210 - HEY, WE GOT DIBS ON THE NEXT CALL. 80 00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,878 SON OF A-- 81 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,614 [sirens blare] 82 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,881 - WHO'S HARRIET? 83 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,450 - OH. - [chuckles] 84 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,552 - HARRIET IS THE WORLD'S BEST FREQUENT FLYER. 85 00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:32,986 - COOL. - MM-HMM. 86 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,855 - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS. - [chuckles] 87 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,524 LOOK, A FREQUENT FLYER 88 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,891 IS SOMEBODY WHO CALLS THE AMBULANCE ALL THE TIME. 89 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,827 - YEAH, USUALLY THEY'RE HYPOCHONDRIACS 90 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,495 OR DUDES WHO WANT FREE DRUGS, 91 00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:42,896 OR OLD PEOPLE WHO JUST NEED A FREE RIDE TO THE DOCTOR. 92 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,032 - PART OF THE JOB, BUT HARRIET IS THE ONE 93 00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,734 WHO MAKES 'EM ALL WORTHWHILE. 94 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,036 - SHE IS THE MICHAEL JEFFREY JORDAN OF FREQUENT FLYERS. 95 00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:51,805 - ALWAYS A FRIENDLY SMILE, NEVER A SERIOUS AILMENT, 96 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:55,042 AND ALWAYS A FRESH BAKED BATCH OF COOKIES WAITING ON US. 97 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,010 - I HAVEN'T BEEN TO MASS IN OVER A YEAR, 98 00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,546 BUT IF THESE COOKIES WERE COMMUNION WAFERS, 99 00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,647 I'D BECOME A JESUIT. - OH, THESE COOKIES 100 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,681 WILL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR SH-- 101 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,650 YOU GONNA LOSE YOUR SH--, BRIAN. 102 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,586 [funky music] 103 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,889 * 104 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,658 - I HATE TO TROUBLE YOU BOYS, 105 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,526 BUT I JUST CAN'T GET COMFORTABLE. 106 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,495 - YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR, HARRIET. 107 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:15,863 IT'S THAT DOCTOR WHO PUT IN THAT HIP REPLACEMENT. 108 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:16,997 HE'S THE ONE SHOULD APOLOGIZE. 109 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,699 - NOW, STOP THAT. 110 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,934 I WON'T HEAR A WORD SAID AGAINST DR. KAPLAN. 111 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,736 - OH. - TOO SWEET. 112 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,338 - YOUR CHARIOT IS READY, MA'AM. 113 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,007 - [chuckles] I LIKE THIS ONE. 114 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,444 - WELL, THIS ONE LIKES THAT ONE TOO. 115 00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:33,046 - I DON'T SEE WHY I HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR. 116 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,584 YOU BOYS HAVE MADE ME FEEL BETTER ALREADY. 117 00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,752 - WELL, WE'LL TAKE YOU ANYWAY, AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE. 118 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,053 [bell dings] 119 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:40,954 OH, IS THAT THE OVEN? 120 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,256 - ARE YOU COOKING SOMETHING? 121 00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,557 - I THOUGHT I SMELLED SOMETHING 122 00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,558 WHEN WE CAME IN HERE. - IT SMELLS SO-- 123 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,559 - OH, YOU. 124 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,561 HENRY. - YES? 125 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:50,631 - WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO TAKE THE COOKIES OUT FOR ME? 126 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:51,699 - YES, MA'AM. 127 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:52,966 - HE'S PROBABLY GONNA NEED 128 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,535 AN EXTRA SET OF HANDS. - [chuckles] 129 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,769 - HARRIET'S CHARIOT. 130 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,938 [both chuckle] 131 00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:01,575 HARRIET--EXCUSE ME. 132 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:02,943 - MMM. 133 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,545 DAMN YOU, HARRIET. - MMM! 134 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,879 - YOU DID IT AGAIN, YOU DEVIL, YOU. 135 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,881 - YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. 136 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,116 LOOK AT HER. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID. 137 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,719 - MM-HMM. - HOLY SH-- 138 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,053 OH, I'M SO SORRY. 139 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,455 THESE ARE UNBELIEVABLE. 140 00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:15,923 - I'VE NEVER HEARD HIM CURSE BEFORE. 141 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,791 YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF. 142 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:20,761 - UH, MRS. FIELDS, YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED. 143 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:21,995 - WHO'S MRS. FIELDS? 144 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:25,433 all: EXACTLY! - [laughs] 145 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,901 - WE GOT DIBS ON THE NEXT HARRIET CALL. 146 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,470 - FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED, CASH. 147 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,671 YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS. - THEM'S THE RULES. 148 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:32,640 - THOSE ARE THE RULES. GRAMMAR! 149 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,142 - I KNOW WHAT THE RULES ARE. I MADE THE RULES. 150 00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,611 I'M JUST ASKING FOR A LITTLE COURTESY. 151 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:40,981 I'M A DECORATED VETERAN OF A FOREIGN WAR HERE. 152 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:41,982 READY IN THREE, VOO. 153 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:45,753 LOAD US UP. - GOT IT. 154 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:46,987 - HEY, VOO... 155 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,022 DOO. - HELLO. 156 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:53,461 - I LOVE THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DO SO WELL. 157 00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:58,031 FRANK SINATRA. 158 00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:01,702 OKAY. SEE YOU LATER. 159 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:05,172 ASEXUALITY IS ACTUALLY A VERY INTERESTING PHENOMENON. 160 00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,974 I DID SOME VERY EXTENSIVE RESEARCH LAST NIGHT. 161 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,308 - OH, OF COURSE YOU DID. 162 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,943 - IT'S LIKE THIS WHOLE NEW MOVEMENT. 163 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,546 THEY HAVE A SOCIETY WITH A MANIFESTO AND EVERYTHING. 164 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,715 THEY EVEN HAVE A SYMBOL. 165 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,485 - WHAT IS IT, A LIMP PENIS READING AN ENCYCLOPEDIA? 166 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,152 [both laugh] 167 00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,454 - IT'S A GREY TRIANGLE. 168 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,722 - JESUS. - WHAT? 169 00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:22,790 - I THOUGHT THE RAINBOW WAS BAD. - OH. 170 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,057 - YOU WANT MY HONEST OPINION? 171 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,393 - WOW. - YOU DODGED A BULLET, BRI. 172 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,027 - YEAH, YEAH, VOODOO'S CRAZY. 173 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,996 EVEN IF SHE WAS SEXUAL, YOU'D PROBABLY WIND UP 174 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,665 TIED UP IN A DUNGEON WITH AN OLD PANTERA T-SHIRT 175 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,901 STUFFED IN YOUR MOUTH. [both laugh] 176 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:34,968 - CHICAGO NORTH. 177 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,003 AMBULANCE NEEDED. 178 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,038 3906 WEST BYRON. 179 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,907 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING. - I'M NOT GIVING UP ON THIS, 180 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:40,908 'CAUSE I TELL YOU, GUYS. 181 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,175 WHENEVER I'M AROUND HER, 182 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,844 I GET BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH. 183 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:44,912 - THOSE AREN'T BUTTERFLIES, BRIAN. 184 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,480 THAT'S THE VERY REAL FEAR 185 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:47,848 THAT YOUR BODY PARTS WILL BE FOUND 186 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:48,916 IN SEVERAL PIECES OF ANTIQUE LUGGAGE. 187 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:51,151 - [laughs] 188 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,353 - CLIMB INTO THE SUITCASE, BRIAN. 189 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,989 - WELL, THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE. 190 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,391 - [laughs] - WHAT? 191 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,259 YOU'RE SUCH A DORK. - GEEK. 192 00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:00,928 - WELL, YOU GUYS WERE THE ONE DOING THE STAR WARS THING. 193 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,863 - WE'RE MAKING FUN OF IT. - WE WERE MAKING FUN OF 194 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:03,664 THE STAR WARS THING. - WHY WOULD YOU MAKE FUN OF IT? 195 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,833 IT'S AN AMAZING TRILOGY. 196 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,334 - WE'RE GONNA NEED TO STOP THAT BLEEDING. 197 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,069 - FIND THE DIGIT, BRI. - I'M ON IT. 198 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,438 - LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. 199 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,105 YOU EVER SEEN THIS MANY BIRDHOUSES? 200 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,207 DOES THIS LOOK SANE TO YOU? - THEY'RE GIFTS, IRENE. 201 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,076 GIFTS MEAN SOMETHING MORE WHEN THEY'RE MADE PERSONAL. 202 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,511 - THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. 203 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:18,946 - IT'S MY BRAND. 204 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,114 - PEOPLE DO APPRECIATE A HOMEMADE GIFT. 205 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,550 - NO ONE WANTS A BIRDHOUSE. 206 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,585 - BIRDS WANT THEM, IRENE! BIRDS! 207 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,421 - OOP, I FOUND IT. - HEY. 208 00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:28,756 CAN'T MAKE ANY GUARANTEES, 209 00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,691 BUT THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO REATTACH IT. 210 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,425 - WE'RE GONNA DO OUR BEST TO GET YOU BACK IN THE WORKSHOP 211 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,026 AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. 212 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,562 - YOU THINK A MISSING FINGER IS GONNA STOP THIS LUNATIC? 213 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,897 HE ALREADY LOST ONE ON THE OTHER HAND. 214 00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:39,132 - NICE. - IT'S A COMPULSION, DON. 215 00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:40,568 HE'S GOT SOME KIND OF DISORDER. 216 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,869 - YOU GUYS WANT A BIRDHOUSE? 217 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,437 - OH, MY GOD, I WAS AFRAID TO ASK. 218 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,072 THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, SIR. 219 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,874 - THANK YOU VERY MUCH. TAKE AS MANY AS YOU LIKE. 220 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,308 - DON'T INDULGE HIM, 221 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,943 BUT, YES, PLEASE TAKE A BIRDHOUSE, ALL OF YOU. 222 00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,612 - AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS. I MAKE 'EM CUSTOM. 223 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,246 - YOU'RE DELUSIONAL, DON. 224 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,415 I'LL GRAB THE INSURANCE CARD AND BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU. 225 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:56,784 WHICH HOSPITAL ARE YOU TAKING HIM TO? 226 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,086 - UH, HOLY ASCENSION IS THE CLOSEST. 227 00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,320 - TAKE HIM TO STREETERVILLE. 228 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:01,455 THEY DID A NICE JOB OF SEWING HIM UP 229 00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,256 WITH THE LAST ONE. - WILL DO. 230 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,993 - GOD, I LOVE THAT SON OF A BITCH. 231 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,127 - ALL RIGHT, HOW MANY BIRDHOUSES EVERYBODY WANT? 232 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,562 TWO? - TWO. 233 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,764 - TWO EACH? - I'LL TAKE SIX. 234 00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,166 SECOND THOUGHT, I'D LIKE TO PICK MINE OUT. 235 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,109 - CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MUCH TIME YOU'D SAVE 236 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,611 IF YOU NEVER HAD SEX? 237 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,946 - YES. - WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH IT? 238 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,448 - WELL, I'D TRY TO CHANNEL MY THOUGHTS. 239 00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,417 I'D THINK ABOUT HOW LUCKY WE ARE 240 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,586 TO LIVE IN THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS, 241 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,923 AND ABOUT MY PARENTS AND WORLD PEACE, 242 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,792 AND ALL THE POOR AND IMPOVERISHED PEOPLE OUT THERE. 243 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,794 YOU? - PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING. 244 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,030 MINUS THE PARENTS AND THE WORLD PEACE-- 245 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,197 AND THE--WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING? 246 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,033 - [laughs] 247 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,167 - SO YOU JUST THINK ABOUT SEX ALL DAY LONG? 248 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,168 - NOT WHILE I'M EATING. 249 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,703 OH, THAT'S A LIE. 250 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:50,704 I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT ROSARIO DAWSON'S ASS. 251 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:53,874 - MM. WHY? - WHY NOT? 252 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,143 - AMBULANCE NEEDED. 3141 WEST CHASE. 253 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,045 - OOH! AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING! - THAT'S HARRIET. 254 00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,680 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING! - THAT'S HARRIET! 255 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,981 - GOD DAMN YOU GUYS! 256 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,816 - DO YOU GUYS WANNA TAKE THIS ONE? 257 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,051 - DUDE, EVERY TIME. - MAYBE--I'M JUST KIDDING. 258 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,886 - YOU BETTER BRING ME BACK SOME COOKIES! 259 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,996 - I GUESS WE ALL KNEW SOME DAY THIS CALL WOULD COME. 260 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,298 - YEAH. 261 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,667 - IT'S WEIRD, BUT FOR SOME REASON 262 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,134 I THOUGHT SHE'D OUTLIVE US ALL. - MM. 263 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:24,071 - AT LEAST SHE DIDN'T SUFFER. - YEAH. 264 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,238 - WELL, I'LL CALL THE CORONER. 265 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,073 YOU GUYS START CLEANING UP. 266 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,841 - HOLD UP. 267 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,510 SLOW DOWN. 268 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:34,014 LET'S JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO OUR FRIEND, HARRIET. 269 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,586 - GOOD-BYE, HARRIET. - GOOD-BYE, HARRIET. 270 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,020 - GLAD I GOT TO MEET YOU. 271 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,155 - SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON. - GREATEST GENERATION. 272 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,257 - HMM. [bell dings] 273 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,064 I'LL GET THE COOKIES, YOU GET THE MILK, 274 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,200 YOU CALL THE CORONER. - GOT IT. 275 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,902 WE'RE EATING THE COOKIES? 276 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,503 - OF COURSE WE ARE. 277 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,938 THEY'RE THE LAST THING THAT SHE MADE ON EARTH. 278 00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,339 - IT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL NOT TO. 279 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,440 - OKAY, BUT WE SHOULD PROBABLY SAVE SOME 280 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,575 FOR THE OTHER GUYS IN THE DEPOT. 281 00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:02,676 - YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. - OF COURSE. 282 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,011 - WE'RE NOT ANIMALS. 283 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,045 - I MEAN, CASH PRETTY MUCH INSISTED. 284 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,347 both: WHO DO YOU THINK WE ARE? 285 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,618 - SO YOU ATE ALL THE COOKIES? 286 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,786 - I'M SORRY. 287 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,121 - ALL THE GODDAMN COOKIES? 288 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:17,124 - WE TRIED. - WE REALLY DID. 289 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,258 WE TRIED SO HARD. 290 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,227 - I DIDN'T TRY. 291 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,895 NONE OF US TRIED. 292 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,931 YOU LICKED THE PLATE. YOU KNOW THE DEAL. 293 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,132 YOU GET THE CALL, YOU GET THE COOKIES. 294 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,433 - THAT IS THE DEAL. 295 00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,737 - BUT THOSE WERE THE LAST COOKIES! 296 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,640 THEY BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN SNICKERDOODLES. 297 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,775 IF THEY WERE SNICKERDOODLES, LIE TO ME. 298 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,814 - THEY WEREN'T SNICKERDOODLES. - OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE KILLING ME. 299 00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:43,283 - CASH, I'M SORRY WE ATE ALL THE COOKIES, MAN. 300 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,085 BUT LET ME MAKE AMENDS 301 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,420 BY TAKING YOU TO THE BEST HOMEMADE DINNER YOU EVER HAD. 302 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,222 - YOUR MOM DOING THE COOKING? - YEP. 303 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,457 - SHE'S CRAZY, RIGHT? 304 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,293 - SHE NOT CRAZY...PER SE. 305 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,763 - CRAZY'S A GOOD THING IN THE KITCHEN. 306 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,831 MY EX WAS BATSH-- IN THE BEDROOM, 307 00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,933 BUT IN THE KITCHEN SHE WAS IRISH. 308 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,936 OF ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE TO TAKE AFTER WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD. 309 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,172 BOILED MEAT, BOILED POTATOES. 310 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,475 COULDN'T TASTE A DAMN THING EXCEPT FOR THE WHISKEY. 311 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:12,179 THANK GOD ALMIGHTY FOR THE WHISKEY. 312 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,413 AM I GONNA NEED WHISKEY TONIGHT? 313 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,749 - HELL NO. - I'M IN. 314 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,818 - ALL RIGHT. 315 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,924 - SO, I HEAR YOU MET JOHNNY DEPP. 316 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,926 - YEP. 317 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,928 - I'M A BIG PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN FAN. 318 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,863 GOT MY FINGERS CROSSED FOR NUMBER FIVE. 319 00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:36,603 WHAT, UH-- WHAT WAS HE LIKE? 320 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,272 - HE HAD ON MORE EYE MAKEUP THAN MY MOM WEARS 321 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,142 AND SEVEN SCARVES. 322 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,311 SEVEN SCARVES. 323 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:47,681 AND SIX EARRINGS AND HE SMELLED LIKE VANILLA. 324 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,017 I LIKE MEN WHO LOOK AND DRESS AND SMELL LIKE MEN. 325 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,891 - SO, UH, I DID SOME READING ON ASEXUALITY. 326 00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:00,060 DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SYMBOL OF ASEXUALITY 327 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,995 IS THE GREY TRIANGLE? 328 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,797 - I'M JUST ASEXUAL, BRIAN. 329 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,465 I DON'T MARCH IN PARADES OR ANYTHING. 330 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,400 - ARE THERE PARADES? - I DON'T KNOW. 331 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:08,335 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DID THE RESEARCH. 332 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,004 - RIGHT. 333 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,540 I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF ASEXUAL. I'M CELIBATE. 334 00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,542 - OH, YOU ARE? FOR HOW LONG? 335 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,344 - SINCE ME AND MY LAST GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP. 336 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,412 - OH, SEE THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US. 337 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,248 YOU CAN'T GET LAID. 338 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,050 I DON'T WANT TO. 339 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,885 - WELL, YEAH, I'M SURE GUYS ARE ALWAYS HITTING ON YOU. 340 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,686 - NO, THEY DON'T. 341 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,522 I GIVE OFF A VERY DISTINCT VIBE. - WHICH IS? 342 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,391 - DON'T HIT ON ME OR I WILL KILL YOU. 343 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,861 - OH, THANK GOD. 344 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,563 I WAS WORRIED THAT IT WAS JUST ME. 345 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,166 LISTEN, MAYBE IT'S--YOU KNOW, 346 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,268 THIS THING IS-- IS JUST A PHASE. 347 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,702 - IT ISN'T JUST A PHASE. 348 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,104 - OH, I KNOW YOU DON'T THINK IT IS. 349 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,506 I, FOR INSTANCE, FOR YEARS AND YEARS 350 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,441 THOUGHT I DIDN'T LIKE OLIVES. 351 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,677 THEN ONE DAY I TRIED ONE. 352 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,380 NOW I THINK OLIVES ARE TREMENDOUS. 353 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,983 - I LOVE OLIVES. 354 00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:58,952 [sniffs] 355 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,789 - YEP. 356 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:05,058 - YOU SMELL...SO BAD. 357 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,259 - SORRY. 358 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:07,961 LONG DAY ON THE RIG. 359 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,930 - [sniffs] NO, IT'S GOOD. 360 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,032 I LIKE IT. - YEAH? 361 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,733 - BUT I DON'T LIKE SEX. - MM. 362 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:14,902 - AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE 363 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,403 EVEN MORE THAN SEX? - SCARVES? 364 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,906 - TALKING ABOUT HOW I DON'T LIKE IT. 365 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,774 YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, BRIAN. 366 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:23,143 AND IF YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS, I'M COOL WITH IT. 367 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,279 BUT SEX? BLECH. 368 00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:30,050 NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 369 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,451 - OKAY. 370 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,287 NO SEX. AWESOME. 371 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,828 - GREAT, THANK YOU. 372 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,964 - HEY, YOU MUST BE THERESA. 373 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,432 - HI. - OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE GORGEOUS. 374 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:46,934 - YEAH. 375 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:47,968 - GUESS WE KNOW WHO DUMPED WHO, HUH? 376 00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,402 [laughs] 377 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,138 - WHO'S THIS? - THIS IS MY SON, JACK. 378 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,974 JACK, THIS IS THERESA AND YOUR UNCLE-BROTHER, JOHNNY. 379 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,775 - HI, JACK. - HI. 380 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:59,012 - I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T-- - HE'S MY SON WITH COCO. 381 00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,780 - AND YOU GAVE HIM THE SAME NAME AS ME? 382 00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:03,283 - NO, HIS NAME IS JACK, YOUR NAME IS JOHN. 383 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,651 TOTALLY DIFFERENT. 384 00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:05,518 - HI, UNCLE-BROTHER JOHNNY. 385 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,154 - HEY...JACK. 386 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,956 - HEY, PLAY SOME MADDEN NOW, KIDDO. 387 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,157 ATTABOY. 388 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,425 YEAH, TURN IT UP REALLY LOUD, YEAH. 389 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,261 ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL. 390 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,328 I NEED YOU GUYS TO WATCH THE KID FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. 391 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,663 - WHAT? - OH-- 392 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:17,464 - I GOT A SURE THING AT THE TRACK. 393 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,498 IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE LONG. 394 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,033 PLUS IT'LL BE LIKE A DRY RUN 395 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,334 FOR THE DAY WHEN YOU TWO HAVE KIDS. 396 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,169 - THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. - WHY NOT? 397 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,871 - I-- 398 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,272 UM...BECAUSE I HAD A DAD 399 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,639 WHO NEVER WANTED TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH ME, 400 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:27,374 WHO NOW HAS ANOTHER KID HE DOESN'T WANNA 401 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:29,176 SPEND ANY TIME WITH. 402 00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,777 - HE'S NOT A KID. HE'S YOUR BROTHER. 403 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,512 YOU ALWAYS BITCHED ABOUT NOT HAVING A BROTHER. 404 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:33,546 - I WANTED ONE WHO WAS, LIKE, THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. 405 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,482 NOT THREE GODDAMN DECADES. 406 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:36,349 - HOW OLD ARE YOU, SWEETHEART? 407 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:37,951 - I'M 27. - WOW. 408 00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:38,952 YOU DON'T START HAVING KIDS SOON, 409 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,387 YOUR EGGS ARE GONNA DRY UP. 410 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,322 - HEY. - IT'S LIKE HE'S FROM THE 1950s. 411 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,524 - I KNOW. - 1948, TO BE EXACT. 412 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,293 ALL THESE BROADS NOWADAYS, 413 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,495 HAVING KIDS IN THEIR LATE 30s AND 40s, 414 00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,197 AND THEN THEY WANNA HAVE A CAREER TOO? 415 00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:53,200 THIS JUST IN-- YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH. 416 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,168 - WELL, THIS JUST IN: I'M ABOUT TO KICK YOUR DAD IN THE NUTS. 417 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:56,669 - GO AHEAD, DARLING. HAVE AT IT. 418 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,906 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY NUTS LEFT. 419 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,308 I'M A 65-YEAR-OLD RETIRED FIREFIGHTER 420 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,743 WITH A 37-YEAR-OLD WIFE WITH A FULL-TIME JOB 421 00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:06,413 WHO LEAVES ME AT HOME WITH A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD KID. 422 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,981 LOOK AT ALL THE SH-- I'M CARRYING. 423 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,250 HELMETS, ELBOW PADS, KNEE PADS... 424 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,351 - I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT. 425 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,686 - SCENTED GODDAMN SKIN WIPES. 426 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,056 I'M LIKE A GAY FREAKIN' SHERPA GUIDE. 427 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,091 WHEN THE HELL DID KIDS BECOME SUCH PUSSIES? 428 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,559 WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN BOSTON... 429 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,328 - DAD. - WE DIDN'T HAVE VIDEO GAMES. 430 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,429 WE PLAYED OUTSIDE. - DAD. 431 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:23,863 - ALL DAY. - DAD. 432 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:24,664 - HE'S TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION. 433 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,598 - DAD! - WHAT? 434 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,167 - I JUST SCORED A TOUCHDOWN. 435 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,069 - THAT'S NICE, SON. 436 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,604 HE NEVER TOUCHED A REAL FOOTBALL IN HIS LIFE. 437 00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:33,106 HIS MOTHER SAYS IT'S TOO VIOLENT. 438 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,707 SO HE PLAYS SOCCER WITH GIRLS 439 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,709 IN A LEAGUE WHERE THEY DON'T KEEP SCORE. 440 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,612 AT THIS POINT, I'M JUST HAPPY THE KID AIN'T WEARING A DRESS. 441 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,414 - DAD, DAD, DAD, EXTRA POINT! 442 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,116 - GOOD BOY, JACK. 443 00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,285 YOU'RE A COP, RIGHT? - YEAH. 444 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,853 - PERFECT, I'LL JUST STEAL YOUR PURSE, 445 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,121 RUN LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL, YOU SHOOT ME IN THE LEG. 446 00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,389 THAT WAY I CAN SLEEP FOR, LIKE, 447 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,124 A WEEK AND A HALF IN THE HOSPITAL. 448 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:54,294 - DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD! 449 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,129 - I'M SERIOUS. 450 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,269 - YEAH, HE'S GOT A LOT OF ENERGY. 451 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,570 - YOU WERE THE EXACT SAME WAY. 452 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,106 WORSE EVEN. - REALLY? 453 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,907 I MUST HAVE BEEN A GIANT PAIN IN THE ASS. 454 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,243 - I WOULDN'T KNOW, I WAS ALWAYS AT WORK. 455 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,911 BUT YOU PUT SOME MILEAGE ON YOUR MOM THOUGH. 456 00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,880 GOD LOVE HER. SHE WAS ALWAYS AT HOME. 457 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,882 BEING A MOM IS A FULL-TIME JOB. 458 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,151 - WELL, I'M NOT GONNA STOP BEING A COP WHEN I HAVE CHILDREN. 459 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,286 I'M GONNA DO BOTH. 460 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,954 AND NO VIDEO GAMES FOR MY KIDS. 461 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,555 BOOKS. 462 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,923 THEY'RE GONNA LEARN TO READ ACTUAL BOOKS. 463 00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,258 - YOU MIGHT WANNA GO THE ADOPTION ROUTE THEN. 464 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,493 PICK OUT A REAL SMART ONE. 465 00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,061 ASIANS, AFRICANS. 466 00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,063 PLUS THE ASIANS ARE UNBELIEVABLY NEAT. 467 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,764 A BUDDY OF MINE'S GOT ONE. 468 00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,600 YOU COULD EAT OFF THE FLOOR IN THAT KID'S ROOM. 469 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,002 AND THE AFRICAN KIDS, 470 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,636 WELL, BETWEEN THE MARATHONS AND THE MUSIC, 471 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,005 YOU'RE MAKING MONEY OFF 'EM EITHER WAY. 472 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,607 - DAD, DAD, DAD, WATCH THIS! 473 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,009 - OH, YOU GUYS STAY HERE. 474 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,576 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - WHERE YOU GOING? 475 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:44,744 - TO THE DRUG STORE TO GET SOME BENADRYL. 476 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,179 KNOCKS HIM RIGHT OUT. 477 00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:47,680 ONLY THING THAT WORKS WHEN HE GETS LIKE THIS. 478 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,749 - OKAY, WE ARE NOT GIVING THAT BOY BENADRYL. 479 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,251 - WHY, YOU GOT SOMETHING STRONGER? 480 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,619 - OKAY, RELAX. - [scoffs] 481 00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,654 - I REMEMBER THIS NOW. 482 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,923 I KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE THE ONLY CHILD AND A BOY. 483 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,192 I KNOW WHAT HE NEEDS. JACK, GIMME FIVE. 484 00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:00,693 UP HIGH. 485 00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:01,995 DOWN LOW. TOO SLOW. 486 00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:05,065 COME HERE, LET'S GO. - [laughs] 487 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,203 - DOES HE TALK? 488 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,871 - HE'S JUST ENJOYING DINNER, MAMA. 489 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,506 - WELL, HE JUST ENJOYED A WHOLE BOWL 490 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,308 FULL OF MY POTATO AU GRATIN. 491 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,944 - NO, I DIDN'T. - EXCUSE ME? 492 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,213 - IT'S NOT AU GRATIN IF IT DOESN'T HAVE CHEESE ON IT. 493 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,282 - ARE YOU CRITIQUING MY FOOD? 494 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,983 - MAMA. - NO, I'M ENJOYING YOUR FOOD, 495 00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,852 I'M JUST CRITIQUING YOUR TERMINOLOGY. 496 00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,454 - DON'T DO THAT. - REALLY? 497 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,189 - LOOK, YOU CAN COOK. THAT'S OBVIOUS. 498 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:30,957 I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU 499 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,726 THE EMBARRASSMENT OF CALLING YOUR DISHES BY THE WRONG NAME. 500 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,363 - IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT? 501 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,031 - WELL, SINCE YOU ASKED, 502 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,200 THAT PORTRAIT OF JESUS ON THE WALL. 503 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,036 [laughs] 504 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:46,373 - I KNOW YOU ARE NOT ABOUT TO CRITICIZE MY LORD AND SAVIOR. 505 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,241 - I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT. PASS THE ROLLS. 506 00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:49,676 BUT MAKING HIM BLACK? 507 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,478 THAT'S A BRIDGE TOO FAR. 508 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,879 - WELL, HE WASN'T WHITE. 509 00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,714 - HE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE WILL SMITH. 510 00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,083 - BETHLEHEM WAS IN-- 511 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,717 - IN THE MIDDLE EAST. I GET IT. 512 00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,386 BUT REALISTICALLY, 513 00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,521 JESUS LOOKED MORE LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN 514 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,223 THAN THE FRESH GODDAMN PRINCE OF BEL AIR. 515 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,491 - OKAY. - MISTER, YOU LOOKING 516 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,059 FOR TROUBLE? 517 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,160 WELL, TROUBLE IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE. 518 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,895 - OH, SH-- 519 00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:10,263 - I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT HISTORY AND ART. 520 00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,431 - OH, SH-- - I MEAN, WHO PAINTED THAT CRAP? 521 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,399 - I PAINTED IT! - WELL, SHE-- 522 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,000 AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW 523 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,868 THAT MY SERIES OF BLACK JESUS PORTRAITS SOLD OUT 524 00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:16,736 AT THE DECATUR ART FESTIVAL. 525 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,671 - OH, GET OUT OF HERE. 526 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,840 THEY SELL THEM THINGS DOWN THERE BY THE LIQUOR STORE. 527 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,375 - AW, MAN. - HANK. 528 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:23,676 - YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME 529 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,612 TO SAY A PRAYER-- UH--UH, SOMETHING. 530 00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,013 - NO, IT MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME FOR ME TO CHOKE HIS ASS OUT. 531 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,681 - MAMA--MAMA, DON'T CHOKE HIM OUT. 532 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:29,949 - YOU LET HIM SAY SOMETHING ELSE TO ME ABOUT MY JESUS. 533 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,451 - THESE GREENS COULD USE A PRAYER. 534 00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:33,353 I'M GONNA TELL YOU. - OH. 535 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,621 I'M GONNA TELL--JUST A LITTLE ON THE TOUGH SIDE. 536 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:35,455 - MAMA, YOU KNOW-- - I'M JUST SAYIN'. 537 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,393 - HE'S OUT. 538 00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:41,628 - YOUR JACK HAS A GOOD LITTLE ARM. 539 00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,029 - I NEVER KNEW. 540 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,631 HIS MOM WON'T LET HIM PLAY CATCH. 541 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,933 SHE'S AFRAID THE BALL WOULD HIT HIM IN THE FACE. 542 00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,435 JESUS, HE REALLY LOVED THAT PIZZA. 543 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,237 - YEAH. 544 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,205 I'M LIKING THE WAY THAT PLAYING WITH YOUR JACK 545 00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:53,940 IS LOOKING ON MY JOHNNY. 546 00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:55,275 - AH, YOU WANNA HAVE KIDS, RIGHT? 547 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,544 SURE YOU DO, YOU'RE A BROAD. 548 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,146 SORRY. CHICK. 549 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:01,548 - HI. - [laughs] 550 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,316 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. LET'S GET BACK GOING. 551 00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,051 - JUST COOKING 101. 552 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,419 IF YOU'RE GONNA FRY YOUR OWN FISH, 553 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,288 YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE THE OIL'S HOT. 554 00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,390 - MY OIL IS HOT. 555 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,492 - IF YOUR FISH IS BREAKING UP IN THE PAN, THAT OIL AIN'T HOT. 556 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,228 - MY OIL IS DAMN HOT. HOT AS HELL. 557 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,563 - OKAY, MAMA, THAT WAS GREAT. 558 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,431 THANK YOU SO MUCH, BUT WE--WE GOTTA GO. 559 00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,433 COME ON, CASH. - I HAVE NEVER, EVER 560 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,503 IN MY LIFE BEEN SPOKEN TO IN THIS MANNER IN MY OWN HOUSE. 561 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,405 JESUS IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR 562 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,774 AND MY JESUS CAN LOOK ANY GODDAMN WAY I WANT HIM TO. 563 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:30,810 - OKAY, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR JESUS, I SUPPOSE. 564 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,813 BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW-- AND KNOW DAMN WELL--IS FISH. 565 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,583 HOW TO CATCH 'EM, HOW TO COOK 'EM. 566 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,619 SH--, I ALMOST CAUGHT ME A MEKONG KING CATFISH IN VIETNAM. 567 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:41,254 - OKAY. 568 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,589 - LARGEST FRESHWATER FISH ON THE PLANET. 569 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,656 - WELL, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT NO 570 00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,858 VIETCONG CATFISH-ASS BULLSH-- 571 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,360 - OKAY, COME ON, CASH. 572 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,862 LET'S--LET'S LET MAMA REST. 573 00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,264 - NO, YOU GO AHEAD, MAN. 574 00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,300 I'M--I'M GONNA STAY A WHILE. 575 00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,634 - WHAT? 576 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,835 - YOU HEARD ME. GO ON, MAN. 577 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,304 YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. 578 00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,338 I'LL BE FINE. 579 00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,139 - HE'S GONNA BE REAL FINE. 580 00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:01,874 - WERE WE SITTING AT THE SAME TABLE? 581 00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,643 - YOU WERE. NOW YOU AIN'T. 582 00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:07,680 - BYE, BABY. 583 00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:10,683 GO ON, LOCK THE DOOR, PULL THE SHADES. 584 00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:11,951 - NICE BOY. 585 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,620 - MM, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE CREAM? 586 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:14,654 - YOU GOT SOME COOL WHIP WITH THAT? 587 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:17,457 [knocks on door] 588 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,891 - HI. 589 00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,293 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 590 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,561 - I'M SORRY, IS THIS WEIRD? 591 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:22,695 - YEAH. 592 00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,564 - GOOD. 593 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:28,835 'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO MAKE IT EVEN WEIRDER. 594 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:31,704 YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE SEX, AND THAT'S FINE WITH ME. 595 00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:34,173 'CAUSE I'M NOT HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW EITHER. 596 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,008 YOU DON'T LIKE SEX, I HAPPEN TO LOVE IT. 597 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:40,046 FROM WHAT I REMEMBER, IT WAS PRETTY AWESOME...FOR ME. 598 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,315 I CAN'T REALLY SPEAK FOR EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED. 599 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,252 SO FORGET SEX. 600 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,653 I LIKE YOU. 601 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,888 I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY AND DIFFERENT 602 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,423 AND I NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY. 603 00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,058 AND OBVIOUSLY I THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. 604 00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:55,728 BUT IF WE NEVER HAVE SEX, THAT'S OKAY. 605 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:59,499 'CAUSE I'M JUST HAPPY BEING AROUND YOU. 606 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,701 SO... 607 00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,671 HERE. 608 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,705 - A BIRDHOUSE. 609 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:08,775 - LOOK INSIDE. 610 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,880 - OH, MY GOD. 611 00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,115 IS IT REAL? 612 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,885 - IT BELONGED TO THE MAN WHO BUILT THE BIRDHOUSE. 613 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,788 AND NOW IT BELONGS TO YOU. 614 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:25,258 - HOLY SH-- 615 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,027 THIS USED TO BE ON A PERSON? 616 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,562 - YEAH. 617 00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:33,065 - BRIAN... 618 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:34,801 THIS IS ONE OF THE ABSOLUTE NICEST THINGS 619 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:37,537 ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME. 620 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,205 - IF YOU STARE AT IT LONG ENOUGH 621 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,007 IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEGINNING TO TWITCH. 622 00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:46,946 - OH, WAS THAT TOO MUCH? 623 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:48,415 - MM-HMM. A LITTLE BIT. 624 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,749 - A STEP TOO FAR? - A LITTLE. 625 00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:50,783 JUST EASE ME INTO IT. 626 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,285 - YEAH, WE CAN TAKE IT SLOW. 627 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:54,621 - LOOK AT THAT DREAMY LITTLE FACE. 628 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,458 - GUESS ALL THAT PLAYING CATCH 629 00:20:58,491 --> 00:20:59,759 REALLY WORE HIM OUT. - MM-HMM. 630 00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:03,463 - AND TAG. AND HIDE AND SEEK. 631 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:06,799 - WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT HIM? 632 00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:08,935 - MM. 633 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:10,337 ALL THAT BENADRYL YOU GAVE HIM, 634 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,504 HE'S GONNA BE ASLEEP ALL NIGHT. 635 00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:12,839 - HE WAS GETTING VERY, VERY CRANKY. 636 00:21:12,872 --> 00:21:14,874 - HE WAS. 637 00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,512 - THERE. - [gasps] 638 00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:20,513 - IT MOVED. - NO! 639 00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:21,848 - YEAH. - DID IT? 640 00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:23,983 - LOOK AGAIN. 641 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:25,685 [keys jingle] - HELLO? 642 00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:27,654 - HEY, MAN. 643 00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:29,356 YOUR MOM'S JUST CHECKING TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT HOME SAFE. 644 00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:30,423 - YEP, JUST PULLED IN. 645 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:31,824 - ALL RIGHT, THEN. 646 00:21:31,858 --> 00:21:33,793 SHE'LL BE GLAD TO HEAR IT. 647 00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:34,827 GOOD NIGHT... 648 00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:36,663 - MM-HMM. - SON. 46170

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