All language subtitles for One Spy Too Many - 1966.eng

[Tires screeching]

Approaching army base
Fort Winning, New Jersey.

Artillery range noise
will cover my entrance.

[Explosions]

[Rumbling]

[Explosions continue]

[Intense music]

[Engine revving]

[Tires screeching]

[Music continues]

[Gunshots]

[Music continues]

[Explosion]

[Music continues]

[Music continues]

[Explosion]

[Explosion]

[Gunshots]

[Music continues]

[Gunshots]

[Engine starts]

[Dramatic music]

[Dog barking]

[Dog growling]

Biological and chemical
warfare's been getting

A bloody nose
in the world press.

Well, I think we're
gonna change all that.

Okay.

[Dog growling]

This is the army's new Will Gas!

Code name BG-30.

[Barking]

With this gas, we can
chemically induce our opponents

To lose their
will to win.

'You see,
an angry dog becomes docile.'

And no side effects.

It's ready for testing
on human beings.

I don't think I have to draw
you gentlemen any pictures

As to the, uh,
far reaching

'Psychological
applications to all this.'

[Buzzing]

[Dramatic music]

[Intense music]

[Grunting]

[Music continues]

[Music continues]

[Alarm blaring]

[All coughing]

What's going on out here?

'Where'd that truck come from?'

'Security guard!
Security guard!'

[Music continues]

[Alarm blaring]

Gentlemen, be careful
on the way back.

[Coughing]

Oh, here you are, Mr. Alexander.

W-we don't know what
happened around here.

Here, we're sending you
gentlemen back in separate cars

As a security precaution.

I'd appreciate it if you...
treat this as top secret!

Stop here, please.

Yes, Mr. Alexander.

- Time for refreshments.
- Yes, Mr. Alexander.

Ah.

[Chuckles]

If I may be permitted
to say, Mr. Alexander...

You could use
a few days of relaxation.

You've been working
very, very hard lately.

I have a few more
steps in my plan

To be executed, Parviz.

It's not so simple
to conquer the world today

As it was for
Alexander the Great.

Life is a great deal
more complicated, but...

This gas should make
things easier for me.

[Dramatic music]

[Dramatic music]

[Tires screeching]

[Instrumental music]

Our local scanners report
Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin

On their way in, sir.

[Dramatic music]

These films just came in
on the relay from base security.

They were taken
outside the laboratory.

'These gentlemen
are clear at this point.'

However, I've detailed men
to check them out completely.

And here's our Mr. Alexander.

'A very different
kettle of fish.'

'Somewhat of a mystery man,
it appears.'

He owns an industrial empire.

Finance, shipping...

Chemicals, mining.

Yet nobody seems
to know much about him.

Well, I'd say that the army's
public information program

On biological warfare
was off to a rather shaky start.

They invite three of their
top suppliers of chemicals

To a private showing and then...

One of them steals
their newest product.

Other than the process
of elimination

Is there anything else
that points directly

At our Mr. Alexander?

(Waverly)
'Oh, yes.'

'About three quarters
of a gallon'

'Of BG-30 Will Gas was stolen.'

A briefcase full?

Well, that's
quite an assumption.

(Waverly)
Yes, isn't it?

Alexander was the only
one of the three men

Carrying a receptacle
large enough

To hold that amount of gas.

[Grunts]
This stone tablet...

What have you found out
about this tablet?

(Kuryakin)
Well, the archeological
department

Recommends that for a definitive
analysis of the markings

We should submit
the tablet to a Mr. Kavon

At the Artifacts Library
at the University of Athens.

Well, that seems
a reasonable place

For you to start, Mr. Kuryakin.

'See if you can discover how
it relates to the stolen gas.'

Which, uh... leaves me with...

- Mr. Alexander.
- Mm-hmm.

(Waverly)
We have his local address.

It's very important
to recover the gas, Mr. Solo.

'Enough of it was stolen to
cause considerable difficulty'

'If handled improperly.'

Its composition is top secret.

Anyone who possesses it
could have it analyzed.

Well, uh, I'll find Alexander

And if he has
the gas, I'll, uh...

Make sure and ask
him to return it.

You'll receive your passports
and identification papers

From our Madagascar office.

I think you have
a... address for me, uh...

Gee, I don't wanna
quibble, but this is

An apartment number
and address.

I'm supposed
to get the, uh...

Address of
Alexander's hotel.

That's, uh, my address.

And once you've
committed it to memory...

Tear it up into small
pieces and swallow it.

[Beeping]

Channel D is open, I'll put
you through to Mr. Waverly.

You haven't forgotten
our date tonight, have you?

Our...

[Clears throat]
No. No, no, of course, I...

[Mumbling]
No, I...

Here's the hotel address.

Uh, Contact Point 11 says that

Alexander's checking out,
so you better hurry.

Well, of course. Yes.

Thank you. Bye.

Overseas relay, pattern F.

I'm, uh, booked
on an early flight.

Mm-hmm.

What's the matter?

You don't happen to know
her name, do you, huh?

[Sighs]

[Indistinct chattering]

(Parviz)
Go, go, please, hurry, hurry.

Watch it! Hold it,
hold it, hold it! Hey, hey!

For that, no tip,
my friend, no tip at all!

I hope Mr. Alexander
makes his flight in time.

(Parviz)
'Just call for our car, please.'

[Whistle blows]

[Instrumental music]

[Dramatic music]

[Fast-paced music]

(Parviz)
Hey! Hey, stop that girl!

[Whistle blowing]

Allow me!

[Grunts]

[Music continues]

[Dramatic music]

[Women screaming]

I have an appointment.

[Thud]

You can tell Alexander,
he knows the price for this.

And put away that gun.

Wait! Don't open that.

Why not? I've earned it.

These are all the papers
we sent him, Arnold.

For 18 months I have been trying

To serve him with a subpoena

And get my settlement
papers signed.

For 18 months!

You mean, that's why
you stole that briefcase?

To force him into
a meeting with your lawyer?

Exactly. He is crazy!

I mean, really crazy!

Like, he thinks he's some sort

Of modern dressed version
of Alexander the Great!

- Now, Tracey.
- And I gave him my inheritance.

- I must be crazier than he is!
- Tracey.

Tracey, please.

Now, you will further inform

Mr. Alexander that
Mrs. Alexander's inheritance

From her former husband,
the late Maharaja...

I-I don't mean
to interrupt, uh, but, uh

I am neither with
or for Mr. Alexander.

'I am Napoleon Solo'

With the U-N-C-L-E.

Oh, my favorite charity.

Listen, dear,
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid

I'm already over committed.

Uh, Mr. Solo is with

A secret international
organization.

- 'Really?'
- Yes.

And we're interested
in finding out

About, uh, Mr. Alexander.

Uh, that'll take
an organization.

Uh, but if there's
anything I can do...

Uh, could you tell us something
about his business activities?

Well, I, um...

I know that he's
very successful.

Uh-huh. I-is there
anything else?

Well, he travels a great deal.

Ah, oh, good, uh

Would you know where he
happens to be going now?

Well, he usually
goes to his villa

In Alexander's Greece
about this time of year.

And then, um, he disappears.

He's a creature of habit.

Well, thank you
for your help

Uh, Mrs. Alexander.

- Mr...
- Claxon.

- Claxon.
- Ah, uh...

Oh, why can't we
join forces, Mr. Solo?

After all, I am his
estranged wife and, uh

Well, that should
count for something.

Well, that's very tempting,
but I'm afraid

It's a bit too dangerous.

Oh, well, if you, uh...

If you can't see
yourself clear, I, uh...

Good luck, Mr. Solo.

Well, thank you.
Good luck to you.

[Instrumental music]

Taxi!

Follow that spy.

[Instrumental music]

Very odd piece

You have here, Mr. Kuryakin.

I have the acid test results
from our laboratory.

Oh, no, no, no,
thank you.

I prefer to run my
own tests, you know?

Well, can you make
a preliminary evaluation?

Oh, no, not yet.

In a day or two, perhaps.

You see, I'm not as fleet
as I used to be, eh...

An old athletic injury.

I got it playing lacrosse

When I was an undergraduate.

I'm very sorry
to hear that, professor.

It is, uh, Mr. Kavon.

Of course.

You see, I was
an instructor of humanities

But the universities
forced me out

Because of my,
uh... social theories.

So I turned to archeology,
an old avocation

And I became
a world's authority.

Well, thank you
for your cooperation.

Uh, I'll be
in touch with you.

Uh, what do you think
of the human condition

Mr. Kuryakin?

I'm in favor of it.

Hmm.

[Instrumental music]

[Beeping]

Overseas relay,
pattern G is open.

How's the flight, Napoleon?

Uh, fine, ahem, dear.

Uh, we're, uh, somewhere

Over the Atlantic.

- Have you heard from Illya?
- Yes.

He's, uh, meeting you
at the Athens Airport.

One more item, is there

A Mrs. Tracey Alexander

Booked on this flight?

There is.

I suppose, she's following you.

No, just professionally,
of course.

Well, I'll forgive you
for breaking our date

If you promise to be back
before tomorrow night.

We can still have that
weekend at the beach.

I'm working on my tan right now.

A weekend at the beach?

You haven't forgotten, have you?

Oh, no, of course not.

You know what they say
about elephants and spies.

Goodbye, Napoleon.

Uh, ahem, goodbye

Uh... control.

[Intense music]

(Woman on PA)
'Via London is now in its'

'Final loading stages
at Gate 11.'

'Passengers of flight ten
[Indistinct] via London'

'Please report to Gate 11.'

Your husband wants
to see you, Mrs. Alexander.

(Parviz)
'Anestos.'

That is not necessary,
put it away.

Alexander has opened his villa.

He's giving a reception tonight

In honor of his neighbor.

Prince Phanong and his, uh

French wife, Princess Nicole.

What's the matter?
You lose something?

Yeah, if I'm lucky.

[Instrumental music]

Dmitri, you and Georgie
run through the other buildings!

[Engine revving]

[Intense music]

[Instrumental music]

[Music continues]

[Indistinct chattering]

(Woman on PA)
'Passengers for
polar route flight nine...

'To Paris may now
board at Gate 15.'

I believe this piece
of baggage is mine.

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

(Alexander)
I know what you want.

I may give it to you.

I'm almost prepared
to forgive you.

Forgive me?

You deserted me.

[Gasps]
Ahem.

I admit it was
a novel experience.

No one has ever dared
to do that to me before.

But Alexander the Great
did on occasions

Forgive transgressors.

I will forgive you.

Well, since you
put it that way...

You might try
to remember that

It's he with
the power who forgives.

Oh, yes, I will, uh,
you can count on it, heh.

Uh, now, uh...
I don't want to seem

To be too unromantic
or anything...

But I would like back
what I put into our marriage.

Uh, you remember,
the million dollars?

That million dollars
mean so much to you?

Well, uh, when
it's the only

Million dollars
you've got, uh, yes.

Uh, say, I, um,
ahem, just happened

To have a copy
of the, uh

Settlement papers
right here.

There is one condition.

Perhaps I should
call it a favor.

Uh, let's just
call it a condition.

What is it?

The party that
I'm giving tonight

To honor Prince
and Princess Phanong

Has special
significance for me.

The princess
is an admirer of mine.

'The... prince, however'

Is an obsessively jealous
man who misinterprets

The princess's
appreciation of me.

Well, um, just how much
does she admire you?

[Huffs]

- She worships me.
- Really?

I allow it because I
think it's healthy

For a young girl
to have an idol.

Uh, exactly what is it
you want me to do?

It's important that
you hostess this party

And keep the prince's mind
off his petty jealousies.

You will do this
small thing for me

And I will
sign the paper.

- After the party.
- Uh, thank you, ahem.

That is a promise,
isn't it?

"So it shall be written.
So it shall be done."

[Intense music]

Alright, I'll go
through the back.

Keep an eye out
for Alexander's wife.

She may be around
here somewhere.

Avoid her.

I will.

Good hunting.

[Intense music]

[Instrumental music]

(Tracey)
'And no one has
ever seen him since.'

[Laughing]

Excuse me.

How do you do?
I'm Mrs. Alexander.

Oh, I've heard
a great deal about you.

I am Illya Kuryakin,
at your service.

Will, uh, Mrs. Kuryakin
be joining us?

Please, do not neglect your
other guests on account of me.

Uh, you're...
you're not

Count Kuryakin
by any chance?

Of course.

Well, then you must
let me get you a drink.

Uh, no, no, thank you.

But you must be thirsty

After that long
flight in from, uh...

Uh, the Balkans,
wasn't it?

From America.

I, uh, own a chain
of radio stations

In, uh, Oklahoma.

- Oh.
- Have you been there?

Well, no, uh, I-I've
never been there myself

But my friends who have tell me

You get wonderful
radio reception there.

Really?

[Woman screams]

(Parviz)
'Dmitri, make sure
the doors to the garden'

And the other rooms
are all open.

'Hurry up and do that, please.'

"Music."

[Instrumental music]

"The lights."

[Chuckles]

"Rainfall."

[Rain pattering]

Hmm.

"Aphrodisiac mist."

Well, I'll take
his word for it.

[Instrumental music]

[Drunken slurring]
How, how do we get
back to this party?

Can you show me?
I'm having a... great time.

- Yes, I see you are, sir.
- Now.

Yes, sir, yes, sir,
the party is over this way.

- You having a good time?
- Yes, very good.

- Thank you for the escort.
- You're quite welcome, sir.

Call me. [Indistinct]
I like you.

[Instrumental music]

New York, New York,
I remember him.

My pistol. Dmitri!

Come here.

[Indistinct murmuring]

Go! Go! Go!

[Instrumental music]

[Laughing]

I see you two
have found each other.

Mr. Solo.

I've been... spotted.

Well, she's everything
you said she was.

Oh, no.

You're not another spy?

Well, ahem

It may be very
good espionage

But it is very
poor manners.

Ladies and gentlemen.

'It's time
for our game of chess.'

[Indistinct chattering]

Will the pawns
come out, please?

Those of you who wish to play
the remaining pieces will find

The proper accoutrements
on that table over there.

Would you honor me

By taking position
as my queen?

Of course.

(Alexander)
As your host...

'It is my responsibility
to play any challenger.'

Please, my reputation
is somewhat overstated.

'Won't someone please
accept the challenge?'

[Indistinct murmuring]

I'll accept the challenge!

[Applause]

That man
is an UNCLE agent.

Oh, really?

The question is,
can he play chess?

White moves first, Mr., uh...

Uh, Solo.

Pawn to king four.

Pawn to king four.

(Solo)
Knight to queen's bishop...

Three.

Knight to queen's bishop three.

(Solo)
'Queen to knight eight.'

Looks like I have you
in check, doesn't it?

You're bluffing.
That can be fatal.

I'll take your queen.

Rook takes queen.

Well, we all have
to make sacrifices.

Knight to bishop...

Seven.

Checkmate.

[All applauding]

Bravo!

- Bravo!
- Bravo!

[Applauding continues]

[Claps]

First game is yours, Mr. Solo.

[Instrumental music]

To the victors.

Of course.

Waiter.

[Music continues]

Just how do you
want him killed?

I have something much
more interesting in mind.

I'll call afterwards
and arrange for a rematch.

You still going to the rock
quarry, Mr. Alexander?

Yes, you'll meet me
there tomorrow.

[Music continues]

Our host just disappeared

Into the house.

Scusi.

[Smacks]

I will kill any man who makes

Indecent advances to my wife.

- Ah.
- Let this be a warning to you.

Well, I tell ya,
you're in luck

That I'm a busy man.

[All gasping]

[Indistinct chattering]

Oh! I found this
in his incense burner.

[Blows]

My settlement papers.

I was so close.

If it wasn't for you two

Uh, spies

I'd have my papers
signed by now.

- Where is he?
- Gone.

But I happen to know
where his driver's taking him.

Uh-huh. Where?

I'll show you.

It's just a few hours
drive from here.

Of course, I have
to change my clothes.

I wouldn't be caught
in a rock quarry wearing this.

No, it's, uh

Too dangerous a trip
for a frail thing like you.

I won't tell you
where they're going

Unless you take me with you.

I'm not above blackmail.

It's part of my charm.

[Instrumental music]

[Helicopter whirring]

You're late!

We stopped to refuel,
Mr. Alexander.

Because someone was late

A battle was lost!

Yes, that's true, Mr. Alexander.

[Helicopter whirring]

Is the area clear?

(Parviz)
'I think so, Mr. Alexander.'

(Solo)
Tracey?

'Tracey.'

[Sighs]

You don't really think I could
sleep through all this, do you?

I really must have
eight hours sleep.

Fortunately, I am
a master of disguise. Ugh.

I, uh, hate
to interrupt your project

But it would be helpful

If you could answer
a few questions.

As long as I don't have
to stand at attention.

Why should your
husband come up here?

I don't know.

Well... how many cars does
he have stationed here?

I don't know. I said, he always
made me wait in the car.

Well, look it, I did
get you here, didn't I?

- I'm waiting!
- Yes, sir.

You get down here!
Get down here!

[Engine revving]

[Helicopter whirring]

[Speaking in foreign language]

Uh, listen, we took
the turn off left

Just so my wife could see

A rock quarry here.

[Shouting in foreign language]

No, you see, she's not gonna

Give me a moment's peace

Unless she can
see a rock quarry.

I'm funny that way.

I don't
understand English!

[Speaking in foreign language]

[Helicopter whirring]

You're very sneaky,
you know that?

How'd you do that?

[Engine revving]

[Gunshots]

[Engine revving]

[Intense music]

[Tires screeching]

[Gunfire]

[Music continues]

[Gunfire]

Shall we lose 'em
in the tunnel?

[Music continues]

[Gunfire]

Bandits at 3 o'clock.

[Gunfire]

I'll try
an evasive action.

[Tires screeching]

[Music continues]

[Clangs]

[Tires screeching]

[Music continues]

[Gunfire]

He must have hit our gas tank.
We're almost empty.

Let's make a stand.

Brace yourselves.

[Music continues]

[Gunfire]

[Gunshots]

[Gunshots]

Hey...

I cut my finger.

Yes, Mr. Waverly,
our Athens office

Picked them up
at the rock quarry.

They should be
at the airport now.

Well, the relay
channels are busy

But I'll try and get through.

[Indistinct chattering]

Here you are.
A one-way ticket to New York.

Oh, you can't do this
to me, you beast.

I'm a lady in distress!

Well, as we say
around the office

"You've outlived
your usefulness."

Well, stop thinking
of your own selfish interests

And start thinking
of my selfish interests.

Now, I want my million
dollars back from Alexander.

And I want to get
the BG-30 Gas from him.

It might cause you
to get in the way

And sometimes when you get
in the way, you get killed.

Oh, I don't wanna
hear any more reasons.

By the way, what do all
those crazy numbers mean?

- You don't know?
- No.

[Beeping]

What is that?

Um, uh...

Overseas relay signal.

- Probably from New York.
- Really?

[Instrumental music]

It's me, Napoleon.

(Solo on radio)
'Oh, yes, uh, you.'

'Uh, I'm running a little late'

'And I don't think
I'll be back in time.'

That's alright, Napoleon.

I'm, uh, working
through the weekend

But I'll have two days
off when you get back.

We can take that, uh,
drive to the mountains.

'The mountains?
Oh, yes. Sounds wonderful.'

- Uh, go ahead, Mr. Waverly.
- What do you have to report?

Well, the Athens office
has checked out

The villa and the quarry

And hasn't found anything.

Well, how will you proceed?

I think we should refer back

To the stone tablet
inscriptions.

We're meeting with Mr. Kavon

At the university
this afternoon.

If we find anything positive,
I'll report back.

Good. I'll be waiting, Mr. Solo.

I'll be waiting too, Napoleon.

[Instrumental music]

Where's Tracey?

You know, I'm glad
you asked that question.

[Instrumental music]

That's fascinating, Mr. Kavon.

Would you mind
explaining it to my friends?

Ah, welcome back, Mr. Kuryakin.

My associate, Mr. Solo.

How do you do?

I was just telling
your charming associate here

About the, uh,
carvings on the tablet.

But if you would step over here

You would find it
a little clearer

On this enlarged photograph.

Don't you find
carvings exciting?

Are you sure
you wouldn't rather be somewhere

More comfortable,
New York for instance, hmm?

Well, I think I have a more
promising future here with you.

And I'm a very determined girl.

She's everything
you said she was, Illya.

Now, by my findings, the tablet

It would appear

Comes from a tomb
built to honor Spiros

An ancient
Greek God of morality.

What is the significance
of the number on the stone?

Very puzzling.

Where is this tomb?

Well, uh,
Spiros was never a very...

Popular God
and it is only recently

That the ministry of culture
uncovered the entrance.

It is on the Island of Ninos.

Not far from here.

Well, thank you, Mr. Kavon.

Come on, Illya,
I have a feeling we'll find

All of our answers at the tomb.

Hey, wait a minute.
You're not leaving without me.

Bye, doctor.
Goodbye, Mrs. Alexander.

Of course,
you realize, Mr. Solo

That the Spiro's tomb
has not been fully explored.

'There are several passages'

'And chambers that have not
been officially uncovered'

And it is possible...

Possible that somebody found

One of the main chambers

And is keeping it
a, uh, secret.

Well, then,
perhaps you would consent

To be our guide, Mr. Kavon.

Oh, no. Thank you.

I would only, uh...

Slow you down in your work.

On the contrary, you'd be
a great help, Mr. Kavon.

Very well.

The truth is,
I find the academic side

Of all this very intriguing.

Thank you.

Good. I'll just go change
and meet you at the tomb.

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

- We must be very careful...
- I can't see.

With every step
because the...

Citizens of ancient Hellas

Arranged the passages
in their sacred temples

So that if an infidel
were to trespass...

He would,
please, unwittingly

Trap himself by stepping
on the wrong stone.

[Indistinct chattering]

- Look out!
- Ah!

That was rather nice.

We have to try again sometime.

It's my pleasure.

Yes. This is one
of the traps, alright.

And someone must have stood
on the wrong stone.

How are we going to get out?

Uh, do not be too concerned.

There are several passages
that will lead us

To the entrance, uh, eventually.

Uh, after you.

[Rumbling]

Hey! Watch-watch it!

[Rumbling]

- Odd, isn't it?
- Very.

(Solo)
I, uh, hate to bring up
the annoying details, Mr. Kavon

But I have a distinct feeling

That we're trapped in here.

(Kavon)
Yes, it, uh, would seem
that way, wouldn't it?

Hang on. Uh...

Mr. Solo, your flash,
please, uh...

Here's something interesting.

- What is it? What?
- Uh...

- What is it?
- This looks like a... code.

- What does it say?
- Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm.
- Mm.

(Kavon)
Push... here.

[Rumbling]

- Hey! Oh!
- Ah! My goodness!

[Rumbling]

- Ah!
- Ah!

(Kavon)
'Oh!'

[Rumbling]

Alright, shall
we go this way?

(Alexander)
'The first game
was yours, Mr. Solo.'

[Switch clicks]

(Alexander)
I think it's time for a rematch.

[Intense music]

My first move.

Mr. Kuryakin!

[Rumbling]

Plays a very fast game,
doesn't he?

Yes, and by his own rules.

[Rumbling]

(Alexander)
Your move, Mr. Solo.

[Instrumental music]

Over here, Mr. Solo.

Yeah, one for you
and one for me.

(Alexander)
And one to spare.

I'll take the one to the right.

[Gunshot]

[Mirror shattering]

[Gunshot]

(Alexander)
Too bad, Mr. Solo.

[Gunshots]

(Alexander)
'Now it's my move, Mr. Solo.'

'I'll take your knight
and your queen.'

[Rumbling]

[Rumbling]

'One of these corridors
will lead you to your friends.'

'The others...

'Well...

'Your move, Mr. Solo.'

[Intense music]

[Chain rattling]

[Rumbling]

[Music continues]

I see you found
your way here safely.

I couldn't miss it.

It's the only temple
on the block.

Where's our host?

(Alexander)
'You're right on time.
I like that, Mr. Solo.'

Good, I thought it might be nice

If we all got together
for a little chat.

Why don't you put
the weapons away, Mr. Solo?

Mr. Kavon has
a gun pointed at your back.

- Mr. Kavon.
- 'I'm sure he has.'

(Solo)
'But when he triggered
the mechanism in the corridor'

I had the opportunity to jam
the firing pin in the revolver.

Please. Thank you.

'I assumed you were trying
to lead us into a trap.'

How did you assume that?

First of all, the stone tablet

Came from
Alexander's rock quarry.

(Solo)
'I recognized
the mineral composition.'

Also, I noticed
Kavon walk with a shuffle.

Which may indicate that the man
has spent some time in chains.

'I had our office check
with the state prison'

Security system and,
uh, he does have a record.

- Rather elementary.
- Oh.

Glad I didn't have to
ask him that.

A relatively simple piece
of detective work.

No, it isn't.

He's doing very well.

Now, while you're at it, what
are all those numbers about?

Oh, the Ten Commandments.

- 'Ten commandments?'
- Yes.

He broke the eighth commandment

When he stole the gas
from the army.

In case you don't know,
that's "Thou shalt not steal."

And number seven...

Coveting his
neighbor's wife at his villa.

You're very well organized,
aren't you?

I'm sure Alexander
will explain the details later.

Shall we move out into the lobby
or, uh...

That game of chess taught me
something about you, Mr. Solo.

'Like most people,
you think that victory'

Can be won
by simple direct moves.

You'll never be a great man.

[Whistles]

[Door creaks]

Checkmate, Mr. Solo.

Ah. Well.

(Alexander)
'Take charge of them, Parviz.'

Over there, on your back.

- There?
- Over there.

Quick, on your back.

Back?

(Alexander)
'You see, you've only scratched
the surface, Mr. Solo.'

I am breaking
the universal law of morality.

The Ten Commandments,
if you like

But for a special reason.

Well, that's good. I'd hate to
see all that energy go to waste.

I decided...

To initiate a great design.

(Alexander)
I elected to break
each of the moral commandments

And planned it in such a way
that when I broke

The last commandment,
I would have a power base

From which I could
rule the world.

Well, takes all kinds
to conquer the world.

In my own grandiose way

I have broken
every moral commandment.

Except number seven,
which, uh, you interrupted

But, uh, that will be executed

In fairly short order and, uh

Number six,
"Thou shalt not kill."

Anyone we know?

Possibly.

I'll kill him myself
and walk away a free man.

It's all part of my master plan.

From that moment on, I will
be Alexander the Greater.

No one will stop me.

It's going to be
a fascinating experience.

And what are you
going to do about Tracey?

Tie them together.

(Alexander)
'Mr. Kavon, my Aristotle,
if you like'

And I are on our way
to Washington. Goodbye!

And you know
how awkward it is to get space

Without a reservation.

Lower the scimitar.

[Instrumental music]

[Chain rattling]

[Parviz laughs]

[Intense music]

I'm going to show you
the heritage

Of the ancient cultures
of the Mediterranean.

Well, I tell ya,
I really wouldn't want

To inconvenience you here, uh...

Beautiful, is it not?

It's razor sharp, of course.

It's a new steel process.

I get 15 to 20 times more use
out of each one of these blades.

(Parviz)
'Operates on the principle
of the lowering pendulum.'

Each swing lowers a few inches
until eventually...

[Creaks]

Of course...

There are some people
who might say...

This is tortuous.

Well, I tell ya, I really never
listen to what people say.

Mr. Solo...

Just the same,
I shall relieve your anxiety.

Lower the rope pretty please.

This is a little something
we use for those

Who commit sacrilege
in our tombs.

Raise them.

[Pulley creaking]

- Faster, faster.
- Ah!

[Creaking continues]

Tie it up.

You see, the candle will burn
through the rope.

But that is not all.

[Thud]

[Tracey screams]

(Parviz)
'Bottomless, of course,
Mr. Solo.'

[Chuckles]
There you are.

I believe that should help
take your mind...

'Off the scimitar.'

[Intense music]

[Parviz laughs]

- Come.
- Okay.

[Door creaking]

[Intense music]

It's no use.

[Music continues]

Now, what are we gonna do?

Well, uh...

The best we can.

[Exhales]

[Music continues]

The rope!

What are you gonna do?

Aim very carefully.

[Music continues]

[Grunts]

Ya hung up?

Huh?

[Tracey sighs]

[Instrumental music]

So, Mr. Alexander is
going to kill someone.

But who?

When?

He still has
the BG-30 Will Gas.

Puts us in a very
vulnerable position.

All we know is that he
said he was gonna take

A flight to Washington.

So far, our
Washington intelligence survey

Has only been able to uncover
the name of a health salon.

For men and women,
called The Grecian Urn.

It's owned
by AX Enterprises Incorporated

Which in turn is owned
by Alexander Incorporated

Which in turn etcetera,
etcetera, etcetera.

Well, you'll have to
start there, I suppose.

Well, Mr. Alexander gives us
very little to go on.

Now where is this
Mrs. Alexander?

(Solo)
'She's in my office now.'

'I had her brought in
for a security interview.'

I doubt if she knows
much more than we do

About Alexander though.

Well, I suppose I must talk
to her just the same.

The most direct course
would be to force his hand.

If we can get his wife
to show herself...

No, no, no.
That's out of the question.

Much too dangerous.

Now we can hardly
expect her to do that.

I think you'll find her
unusually cooperative.

Alright, Arnold, I'll stop by

And pick them up in the morning.

Thank you. Goodbye.

My lawyer. I'm getting a fresh
change of settlement papers.

Hello, you must be Mr. Waverly.

How do you do, Mrs. Alexander?
We, uh, we've come to discuss...

I, uh, feel so much more secure
now that I've met you.

Oh, well, thank you.

I, uh, wondered if I might
speak to you for a moment.

- Privately.
- Uh, yes, if you like, um...

- Uh, gentlemen...
- Uh, yes, uh, we'll be outside.

- In case you need us.
- Uh, thank you.

Um, now I don't know how much

Uh, they might have told
you about me, but, uh...

I-I'd like to talk
to you for a moment.

Uh, it's about my,
uh, million dollars.

Uh, Mr. Solo told me
you were trying to get a divorce

And property settlement
from Alexander.

I'd like to join
forces with you.

Now I have an idea
how I can help us all

Catch up with Alexander.

Oh, yes?

[Whispering]
I could expose myself.

You'd be following me,
of course.

We'd force his hand.

[Dramatic music]

(Alexander)
'And my peaches are the best
you've ever tasted.'

I like this farm.

It harmonizes with the pastoral
side of my nature.

I raise organic
health foods here.

If I may ask, Mr. Alexander

When do you plan to hold
the assassination?

Tonight.

I've arranged
for your Washington Embassy

To hold a special party
for your nation's president.

I will be there
to make a goodwill speech.

I will kill him immediately
after my remarks.

With the president dead,
the Loyalist Democratic forces

Should collapse. Our opposition
will be scattered.

It should be simple enough
to stage a coup.

And what about Prince Phanong,
Mr. Alexander?

I've already taken care of that.
I'm very close to his wife.

[All laughing]

This is the BG-30 Will Gas.

Its use will chemically disable
your opposition's will to win.

(Male #1)
'Thank you.'

(Male #2)
Our country's indebted to you
for all you have done.

We'll look forward
to hear from you.

Thank you, General Man-Phang.
General Bon Phouma.

Have a pleasant,
pleasant voyage.

Can you rely on these men?

Oh, yes, they're reliable, but
they're second-rate intellects.

I shouldn't have any trouble
using their country

As my personal power base.

From there I can subvert
all of Asia.

Where the devil did I put
the keys to my sports car?

Is our, uh, plan
working well, Alexander?

Perfectly.

I will conquer the world
in no time at all.

Along the way, I will break
each of the moral commandments.

- It's not bad for a beginner.
- No.

You were always a good student.

Well, I owe everything to you.

I wouldn't want you to think
I had forgotten that.

I found this
on my, uh, bed stand.

Oh, really?

What is it?

A-an advertisement, uh...

Some place in Arizona
called Retirement City, a...

'Place where they keep
old people.'

Here they are.

Oh, that must have come
for you in the mail.

I've heard of the place.
I understand it's... very nice.

Well, I have to change
if I'm going to beat

The Washington noon time
traffic.

[Jazz music]

It's almost 1:30.

I know.

But my husband will be
home within a moment.

I know.

He's very punctual, isn't he?

[Music continues]

What are you doing here?

I just stopped off to pay
my respects to your wife.

I will kill you.

No, you won't.
You're not suited for it.

Don't worry,
I won't tell anyone

You're not prince enough
to keep your own wife.

What are you trying to do to me?

I'm buying you off.

I'm guaranteeing that you will
support the [Indistinct]

That will overthrow
your new government.

Don't worry.

This is my last visit.

[Dramatic music]

Um, this is the address
of Alexander's

Washington health salon,
Grecian Urn.

Say, when does the flight leave?

- At 2 o'clock this afternoon.
- Mm-hmm.

There's something
I wanna talk to you about

Uh, concerning the weekend.

[Clears throat]
Regarding, you know, going, uh

To the beach or driving up
into the mountains.

[Chuckles]

Well, I've already
forgiven you for that.

But I am going to hold you
to our midnight supper.

So you just have to, uh,
wrap up the Alexander affair

And hurry and get back
here by tonight.

Mm-hmm. You have any place
in particular in mind?

Napoleon,
where does anybody go

For a quiet, romantic
midnight rendezvous?

I should have guessed.

[Dramatic music]

Ah.

We'll cover you from here.

They'll probably have someone
follow you once you come out

So we will have
to keep our distance.

And in there, you'll have
to make your story convincing.

You might even have to appear
a little critical of us.

Well, it'll be difficult,
but I'll try.

Uh, what if they won't
let me come out?

Then we'll come in.

You sure you'll be alright?

I'll be fine.

Good afternoon.
May I help you?

I'd like to see Mr. Alexander,
please.

Mr. Alexander.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that
we have no Mr. Alexander here.

[Beeping]

You must have the wrong address.

Well, wherever he is,
just tell him

That Mrs. Alexander
would like to see him.

That's me.

[Beeping]

Get out.

Mr. Arnold, Mr. Prince
and a Mr. Bruce are available.

You may inform him that
I have some very valuable

And very expensive
information for him.

[Telephone ringing]

Yes, sir.

The girls will show you
to Room A.

Uh, that won't be necessary.

Just see that Alexander
gets my message.

If anyone wants me,
I'll be in Room A.

Can Mr. Alexander be reached?

(Female #1)
'Not at the moment.'

- You try to locate him.
- 'Yes, sir.'

Now I'm going to step out
of my office for a few moments.

You hold all my calls, please.

[Grunting]

What are you doing to her?

I did not say
give her a beauty treatment.

I thought you're trying
to torture me...

You out, out, out.
Leave us alone, out.

Well, I can't say that
it's nice to see you again.

Could you hand me
my clothes, please?

[Heavy breathing]

How did you get out
of your tomb?

Well, you see,
there was this lamp.

We rubbed it three times.

What do you want
with Mr. Alexander?

What information do you have?

I'll tell Alexander
when I see him.

Ow!

Now would you please
turn around?

Are you working
for the U-N-C-L-E?

The U-N-C-L...
Oh, UNCLE.

Oh, no.
There's no profit in that.

All I wanna do is make a trade.

Would you turn around please?

You're so nasty.

I'll tell him what they know
about his plans in Washington

And all he has to do is
give me my settlement.

How do I know I can trust you?

Well, that's just one
of the chances you have to take

In the espionage business.

Have you heard
from Mr. Alexander?

Not yet.

Have them bring my car
around the front, please.

Excuse me...

Mr. Ingo is in charge
of the men's division.

He'll be right with you.

Well, actually
I was looking f-for...

I am Ingo.

Of course.

I know what your problem is.

Is it that easy to tell?

Yes. Inactivity.

All businessmen today
suffer from inactivity.

I'll show you.

I'm going to put you on
a program of vigorous exercise...

And give you a diet of high
vitality organic health food.

I sell some of the best
organic health food

As a service to my customers.

We must purify your system.

Your blood has been poisoned
by impurities.

I'll get a chart.

[Dramatic music]

[Water gurgling]

(Nicole)
'Isn't this a surprise?'

'We haven't seen each other
since the party in Alexander's.'

The wife of Prince Phanong,
aren't you?

Yes.

Ever since we met in Alexander's

I knew there would be something
for us to share together.

You may be right.

It's really very stimulating.

Thank you, but I have some
friends that are expecting me.

You're not going to leave me

All alone and unprotected,
are you?

Well, I'd like to help, but
I'm a little behind schedule.

Besides, I have
the distinct feeling

It might be bad for my back.

[Intense music]

[Door opens]

I'll take it from here.

Alright, now just relax
and don't...

[Screaming]

[Gunshot]

Ah, Mr. Solo.

Ingo, give him
the complete workout.

Condition red,
give everyone the afternoon off.

Napoleon, they just
boarded the limousine.

I'm going to be busy
for a while. You go ahead.

Alright, I'll check back
with you later.

[Dramatic music]

[Grunting]

[Music continues]

(Solo)
'Ah!'

Oh!

[Music continues]

[Ingo grunting]

[Grunts]

[Groaning]

Please.

What is she doing here?
She is supposed to be dead.

A wife's place
is by her husband.

Thanks for your concern
just the same.

What is she doing here?

She said that
she had information

That UNCLE knows
of all your plans.

What information do you have?

It will cost you
a million dollars.

[Dramatic music]

My personal check...

On the Swiss account.

Now... what do you know?

Oh, that, well...

[Clears throat]
I, uh...

I, uh, I know that
UNCLE is very upset

About what you've been
doing and, uh...

And you're gonna get in a lot
of trouble if you don't stop.

And if I were you,
I'd stop people

Putting people
in tombs and, uh...

Are you ever going to learn
that money isn't everything?

'Hmm?'

How do you know
she wasn't followed

Here by an UNCLE agent?

I discovered she was,
she was followed by Solo

But Ingo is taking
very good care...

How do you know that
she wasn't followed here

By more than one UNCLE agent?

Well, I don't know,
but you see...

Parviz, I'm very disappointed
in you.

Yes, sir.

How did you get out
of that tomb?

[Phone buzzes]

- Yes, sir.
- Security check.

Yes, sir.

Unauthorized personnel
coming across the field.

- Well, bring him in.
- Yes, sir.

Security condition's red.

[Alarm ringing]

[Vehicle rattling]

Hi there.

[Dramatic music]

[Music continues]

[Rattling]

[Music continues]

[Music continues]

[Gunshots]

[Music continues]

[Door rattles]

Coffee, tea, or milk?

Just how much did
your organization know

Of my plans, Mr. Kuryakin?

We know enough to stop you.

My advice to you is to quit
while you're ahead.

- Words to live by.
- They don't know anything.

Just enough to waste
my valuable time.

Why haven't I heard from Ingo?

[Telephone ringing]

- Hello.
- 'Ingo.'

Uh, no, Ingo can't come
to the phone, Alexander.

Mr. Solo, I have something
for you to think about.

Here with me I have both
Mr. Kuryakin and my former wife.

Well, I hope you're all
having a good time together.

Perhaps I could join you.

Your organization
had better not interfere

With my plans or I'll be
forced to kill them both.

That won't help you, Alexander.
May I remind you...

I doubt
if that will help very much

But it will keep you alive
a little longer, Mr. Kuryakin.

I may need you later
for bargaining power.

Call Gamar Hosseine.

Now you go upstairs
and prepare yourself.

You're going to a reception
with me tonight.

- What kind of a reception...
- Never mind.

Just go upstairs. Your gown
will be sent up to you.

And just exactly
what am I expected to do

At this reception?

Just stay as beautiful
as you are.

Well, thank you.

And if I go with you, will you
promise not to have him killed?

(Alexander)
'Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure you
wouldn't want me to do that.'

Oh, that's very thoughtful
of you.

And if I don't go,
you will kill him.

Yes. Don't leave yourself out.

Oh, well, in that case,
I, I can't think

Of when I've had
a more tempting offer.

You take her upstairs.
Make certain you don't lose her.

- Yes, Mr. Alexander.
- I'll be along later.

Mr. Kavon, I have a surprise
for you. A gift.

Yes.

I should do some work
on my experiments.

- What sort of experiments?
- Oh!

Something that'll take your mind
off of all this unpleasantness.

[Scoffs]

What sort of experiments?

Come. I will show you.

[Dramatic music]

[Sighs]

Uh-huh.

[Dramatic music]

I wanna go to Alexandria,
Virginia.

You know how far that is?

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

Hey, listen,
turn around and look at me.

One.

Two.

Three.

Uh, have you ever heard
of a brotherhood

Called the Sons Of Medea,
Mr. Kuryakin?

I've read about it.

It's an obscure Greek
brotherhood of fanatics.

Also known as the cult
of the death wish.

Uh, you have heard all this.

I thought the Sons of Medea
was an ancient order

Long extinct.

Well, you know how it is
with cults.

I am the only
active member left.

In my research, I discovered
that a long time ago

Members of my society...

Perfected a process
of mummification

'That was far better
than the Egyptian method.'

- M-mummification?
- Uh, mummification.

I have been trying
to duplicate this process.

I've been working at it
a very long time

In my odd moments.

And I think I...

Think I'm about
to get out with.

Mmm. Smells good.

I have a pet theory,
Mr. Kuryakin.

The way to make a good mummy
is to start the treatment

While the subject
is still alive.

Well, that's one theory.

But it's problematical.

I've never had an opportunity
before... until now.

Now it will take a few minutes

For the solution
to soak through to the pores.

[Inhales sharply]

Hot?

- Yes, thank you.
- Hmm.

Well, I-it, it will cool
very quickly.

Please be patient.

I, uh, don't
wanna seem ungrateful

But, uh,
whose style is this?

- It's my design.
- Yes, isn't it?

[Dramatic music]

The trick is not to inhale.

What are you thinking about?

Nothing melodramatic, I hope.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Let's go.

Um, let's wait a while.

Why?

My hair.

- What's wrong with your hair?
- Oh, I don't know.

It's just not right.
You recall how vain I am.

Um, I'll be in the powder room.
Just be a minute.

All that mud in your hair.

I should have washed it first.

Mm-hmm.

I must say I don't know
what to do about Alexander.

He used to listen
to my... counsel.

And now he has changed.

He fears he's outgrown
his need for me.

And now for the final step...

I must add
some more tanis leaves.

It's very good
for the facial tissue.

[Dramatic music]

You wouldn't strike an old man,
would you, Mr. Solo?

[Music continues]

You've no respect
for science, Mr. Solo.

Uh!

Well, he'll be out for a while.

[Mumbling]

What's that?

Aw.

Well, I suppose I'll just have
to find myself a new tailor.

Mr. Alexander, your limousine
is waiting outside.

Good, I'll be out in a moment.

Where is Mr. Solo?

Mr. Solo hasn't been
delivered yet.

Gamar's taxicab
is waiting outside also.

I assumed you had
Mr. Solo here with you.

Alright,
she's in the powder room.

Bring her in here.

Security alert.

Solo is on the farm somewhere.

Stalling for time, weren't you?

I'm just thorough. That's...

Ow!

Call the barn and tell them to
have the plane on the airstrip

Ready for takeoff
the minute I return.

Yes.

[Alarm ringing]

That's the alarm system.

- Where's Tracey?
- Upstairs with Alexander.

Alright.

[Alarm continues ringing]

[Car engine starts]

He's taking Tracey with him.

[Grunting]

[Tires screeching]

[Gunshots]

The embassy is at 24 Avenue F.

Take the northern route
to avoid traffic.

We're being followed.

It's Gamar's taxicab.

It's probably Mr. Solo.

I doubt if he'll make
any overt moves

As long as we have
our guest here with us.

Code 4.

Clear channels two and three,
Washington DC.

Washington Control.

(Kuryakin on radio)
'You sound suspiciously
like New York, control.'

That's right.

Uh, tell Napoleon that, uh,
Mr. Waverly let me tag along.

And we'll keep that date
here in Washington.

I'll put you through
to Mr. Waverly.

- Come in, please.
- Kuryakin here, sir.

Napoleon and I are following
Alexander's limousine.

We're approaching
the interchange

Heading for Washington DC.

What is
your precise destination?

We don't know yet.

I see. What do you suggest?

Alexander has a farm
in Alexandria, Virginia

Which he uses as a base.

You should send some men
down there and seal it off.

[Dramatic music]

I hope Mr. Solo
enjoys his drive.

The embassy is a couple
of blocks this way

And it's a lovely night
for a walk.

[Music continues]

[Muffled gunshots]

That's quite a party.

Alright, I'll divert them,
you cover me.

Go.

[Music continues]

[Muffled gunshots]

Oh, terribly sorry.
Wrong car.

(Male #3)
'Get your eyes ready.
Here they come.'

[Crowd cheering]

[Muffled gunshots]

(Male #4)
'Where are you going
for your honeymoon?'

'We'll see you there.'

[Grunts]

Bride and groom
ready for a nice trip!

[Laughing]

[Indistinct chattering]

Bride and groom...

Let's go.

Happy honeymoon!
Have a nice trip.

[Woman screaming]

I knew it wouldn't last.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Good evenin'.

- Where is the president?
- He'll come in in a moment.

His Excellency will be
beside you on the platform.

Good. How are you?

Only minor bruises.

I think we've been decoyed.

Tracey left some directions.

"24 Avenue F."

Open Channel D, please.

We're on our way now
to 24 Avenue F.

I think we better
have the reinforcements.

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is the sixth month
of the new government

And of President Sing-Mok.

[Applause]

But I am here to do something

Far more important
than honoring the president.

And so I have broken every law
of morality commandments

If you like... except one.

'And when I do that,
I shall surely be'

'Alexander the Greater.'

He's going to kill
the president!

Number six,
"Thou shalt not kill."

[Intense music]

[Screaming]

[Gasping]

(Alexander)
'You're late, Mr. Solo.'

In just a moment,
a cable will arrive

At the embassy
proclaiming a military takeover.

I shall be hailed
as their savior.

[All gasping]

I don't think so, Mr. Alexander.

We arrested the last
of the insurrectionists

A short while ago.

'Naturally,
they implicated you.'

A new protective vest...

'Made by one of your
own companies I believe.'

A very fine... craftsmanship.

[Gasping]

If you'll... please excuse us.

[Dramatic music]

[Glass shattering]

[All gasping]

[Music continues]

[Tires screeching]

[Plane droning]

[Tires screeching]

- Who's piloting that plane?
- I don't know.

We thought we had all
of Alexander's people.

[Dramatic music]

[Grunting]

[Bottle shattering]

[Music continues]

Well, this has been
one of those days.

[Sighing]

Would you set the...

Plane on course
for the Caribbean?

[Sighing]

Thank you for your help,
Mr. Kavon.

The truth is I...

Saved you
for selfish reasons.

What are you talking about?

Do you really think that
after all those years of...

Sacrifice...

And devotion...

Using my knowledge...

I would let you exist
without me?

[Intense music]

You old fool.

You should be grateful
for the privilege

Of sharing in my conquests.

Put that thing down or
you'll fall and hurt yourself.

[Screaming]

[Grunts]

[Explosion]

And that was that.

I'm happy to say.

I'm going to miss him.

All in all, he gave me
a pretty fast three years.

Even if he was a liar and...

A thief...

And a murderer of sorts.

He was never dumb.

And gratuity.

Well, I'll miss you most of all.

Now, it's, uh, time
for me to disappear.

- I hope you'll understand.
- Oh, I understand.

It's a habit of mine too.

Hm.

[Instrumental music]

I've just had confirmation
that the BG-30 Will Gas

Has been returned to the army.

Seems everything
is in good order.

(Tracey)
What a beautiful decoration!

Where did you get that?

Will Tracey get her money?

Not for sometime.

Alexander's empire
will be in litigation

For years I'm afraid.

Zebra.

Sing-Mok is a single man,
you know?

Yes. Well, I think
she'll do rather well.

Cheerio.

Oh, Mr. Solo.

I thought I might find you here.

Yes, well, uh,
you're certainly right.

- Uh...
- 'Maude.'

Maude? Your name is Maude?

Yes, this is my niece.

Maude Waverly.

Your niece?

You know, somehow
I've this distinct feeling

I have been duped here, uh...

I didn't really make
any promises or dates, did I?

That's right, Napoleon.

Uncle Alex arranged
this entire deception.

Well, with the amount
of female traffic you handle

We figured... you couldn't keep
them all straight in your mind.

Well, I've always been
concerned that one day

Your outside interest
would conflict

With your assignments, Mr. Solo.

So I recruited Maude here
to keep those particular...

Energies focused on her.

And keep the rest of your time
free for the Alexander affair.

Well, one good affair
deserves another.

Cheers.

[Instrumental music]