All language subtitles for The Ms Pat Show s02e05 Parents Just Dont Understand.eng

- Is it possible
to keep your husband

but divorce your mother-in-law?

If so,
point me to a courthouse, baby,

'cause I did not sign up
for this bullshit.

That's one thing to deal with
family that you came with

and that's a whole 'nother
thing to deal with family

that you fucked for.

Now don't get me wrong, y'all,
I love my kids,

but when they get married,
I'ma leave them the fuck alone

as long as they don't marry
nobody with kids,

or felons,

or somebody who out here
chasing a damn pipe dream

and don't pay no bills.

Wait a minute.

I think I'm talking about
my damn self.

Y'all change the light.

- Come on, y'all.
We gotta hurry up.

This house is a disaster.

Janelle,
put this daggone coats up.

Brandon, tuck in your shirt
and clean up that mess, boy.

Pat!

You look beautiful.

- That's what I thought.
- Mm.

Clear everything
unnecessary in the room.

Come on now!

- Why you doing all
this cleaning?

Your mama's only important
to you.

- Whatever, Pat. Hurry, y'all.

Your grandmama don't like
a lot of clutter.

- Do you mean clutter or Mama?

- She hate clutter and Mama,
but not in that order.

- Well, she can keep
her damn opinion to herself

until she the one having sex
with her son.

- Hey, baby, can you just
limit the profanities

while my mama's here?

- Fuck you mean,
"limit the profanity"?

- Can you try to limit
the F-bombs, all right?

You know how prudish she is.
Come on now.

Hell, I don't think
she even had sex before.

- Nigga, you ain't Jesus.

- Why am I the one that's gotta
give his room up for family?

- 'Cause we said so
and your opinion don't matter.

Now get your shit and go down
the basement with your brother.

- I don't wanna go down there,
Ma.

Brandon's got Mountain Dew
bottles full of piss.

- Man, stop telling them
all my business.

And for your information,
waterbug,

I haven't peed in
one of those bottles

since they stole my games.

- Hey, y'all.

Well, I see
Dorothy and the gang

is getting ready for Evillene.

- Did you bring
a bucket of water

so we can Aquafina that bitch?

- Pat, why y'all gotta talk
about my mama like that, huh?

- 'Cause your mama is fake
and bougie

and she's always looking down
on me.

She ain't never thought
I was good enough for you.

- Oh, baby, that's not true.
She tries to like you.

Well--well--well, she tries
to like the idea of you.

Can y'all please just give
my mama a break this weekend?

Huh? Ever since she divorced
my daddy,

she ain't been the same, man.

- That was like 15 years ago.

It don't take that long
to get over

no trifling-ass nigga, Terry.

- But still, okay?

She's been down

and I just want her
to have a good time

and relax and be happy.

- Your mama don't know how
to be happy.

When Barack got elected,
she was complaining

about him being
a half-white president.

[doorbell chimes]

- Mama.

- Baby boy.
[chuckles]

- Mwah.

- Oh, my sweet, my sweet.

Hey, y'all.

- Mama, where are your bags?

- [clears throat]
I'd like everybody to meet

my new boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?

- Dad?

- I guess she got tired
of healing

and realized ain't nobody else
want her ass.

- ♪ Come on, it's time to go ♪

♪ It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

- Whew, you have grown up

to be such
a beautiful young lady.

- I'm more than my looks,
Grandpa.

But thank you. I do look good.

- [laughs]

- You know, I don't think
we have any memories together.

- You know what?
Let's make one.

Huh?
- Grandpapa!

- [laughs]

Here's more for y'all.

- Grandpapa.
[chuckles]

Do I count?

- Family is family.

- Now see, they tried to
tell me you weren't shit.

- Back rent.

- What do you mean
you're back with Daddy?

Have you lost your mind, Mama?
- First, you need to close

your nostrils 'cause you are
certainly smelling yourself.

And second, we have both
made mistakes, baby.

The past is the past.

Today is today.

You understand?
- Yes. [sighs] Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

[camera clicks]
- Look at him.

He's changed, honey.
We both have.

Come here, baby. Ooh, Lord.

Y'all are just too skinny.

Ooh, look at that.

You know what, I'ma make y'all

my world-famous
biscuits and gravy.

- Ooh, yes, please.
- That shit ain't world-famous.

- Do you see how excited
these children are?

You know, it's a shame
your mama don't know

how to cook nothing
in the kitchen but crack.

- Mama, come on now.
That was uncalled for.

- I never cooked crack.

I sold it.

- Sweetie, I was trying
to give you a special skill.

- I'm 'bout to show
this old bitch how I can cook

and throw her ass in the oven.

- I don't know why every time
y'all get together

y'all got to do this,
all right,

but it needs to stop.

- I give what she give.

- And I give what she give.

- But you give what you give
even when I ain't giving.

- Hey, hey, hey,
everybody stop giving.

This ain't no damn telethon.

- How 'bout I show you
where you can put your things?

- Yeah, they got y'all sleeping
in my room.

- Hold up now. Uh-uh, no.

Mama,
you remember back in the day

whenever Pat came over
to the house,

you made me sleep on the couch
till we got married,

so the same thing goes here,
all right?

Only married folks--hey, baby--
sleeps in the same bed.

- Excuse me?

- That's a rule?

- Well, only if you get caught.

- Terry, are you crazy?

The motherfuckers half dead.

- My house. My rules.

I respected y'all rules
growing up.

Now it's time for y'all
to respect mine.

- Son, the only thing
I gotta do is stay Black

and wrap my hair at night.

- Don't forget die.

- You're sleeping
in separate rooms

and that's all there is to it.

- Okay. No problem, son.

- And there is no
out-of-wedlock fornication

under my roof,
especially between y'all two

'cause y'all should know...
- Terry.

- Better. Huh?
- He said "fine."

- Well, it better be fine.

- Look, I'm a military man.
I respect structure.

I'm gonna sleep on the couch
with Junebug.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah.

- I don't wanna sleep
with my grandpapa.

- Okay, son.

It's a good day
'cause I'm finally about

to show you my 12-spice dry rub
for making the perfect brisket.

- Dry rub?

Is you making brisket
or ashy kneecaps?

Meat needs moisture, not crust.

Listen, if you wanna know,

all you gotta remember
is these three words:

wet, slow, and low.
- No, Junebug.

Remember dry, slow,
and let it flow.

[both laugh]

- I'm sure
you know what you doing

and all this is good

with all this fancy equipment
and stuff,

but some of us learned
how to make barbeque

with nothing but
our dignity and hickory.

- Um, excuse me.

I'm trying to spend
some quality time with my son,

something you wouldn't know
nothing about. Thank you.

- Oh, I'm just trying
to be helpful.

- Well,
you ain't helping nobody.

Okay?

Certainly not me or Mama.

- I ain't never helped you
and your mama?

Boy, please.

Your mama is happier than
she's ever been

and so am I.
- [laughs]

We'll see how long that lasts.

- Well, what's that
supposed to mean?

- You know what?

I gotta go to do anything else.

- It means the only thing
that you were worse at

besides being a good father
was being somebody's husband.

- I've changed.

- See, that's what you said
before you stepped out

and cheated on Mama
left and right.

- You don't know what the hell
you talking about.

- You know what?
Mama might be blind enough

to see your change,
but you are still

the same selfish asshole
you always were.

- Who the hell
are you calling a asshole?

I'm your father, boy.

You better respect me

or I'll whoop the shit
outta your ass myself.

- There he is.

There he is.

- Mm, mm, mm.

♪ Mmm ♪

- Don't nobody want none of
them light-skin-ass biscuits.

- You just mad
'cause yours always be burnt.

- My biscuits are proud
of their Blackness.

- Where the whisk?

- Do I look like Tabitha Brown?
We ain't got no whisk.

Whisk, bitch.

- You know, you ain't gon'
never keep no good kitchen

using these cheap-ass pots.

- Ooh, Pat, she done came
after your Rachael Ray pots.

I know you ain't gon' stand
for that.

- Pots should come
with history.

They enhance the flavor.

- So now we know why you like
holding on to old shit

that burns you.

- You got lucky with my Terry,
honey.

He a soft touch.

He pay for everything
while you go around

telling knock-knock jokes.

- I'm about to knock-knock
this bitch upside the head.

- Actually, Miss Jewell,

Pat's stand-up career
is doing really well.

- Oh, is it?

Then why is my son
the main person

bringing money into this house
while she supports a dream?

Now I support dreams.

But--[laughs]

Honey, you are of a certain age

and being a stand-up is a hobby
and you're not famous.

You're gonna do when you
famous, and you not famous,

but it's not impossible.

- That's not true.
I'm good at what I do.

And when I go to the club
and I headline, I make money.

- Hm.

Well, is that so?

Well, maybe I should come down
and see how you bringing money

into this house.

- Oh, no,
you don't wanna do that.

- Well, why not?

I mean, if you headlining...

I think I should see
for myself.

- Let the bitch come, Pat.

Scare the shit out of her.

- You know what, Jewell,

I got a show tomorrow night
at 8:00.

I'ma give you
two front-row tickets.

- Oh, you mean the place
you performing

got more than one row?
- Okay, that's it.

- Oh! Hold on, Sofia.
Don't do it.

- [groans]

Oh, baby.

[moans]
Oh, shit.

[moaning]

Oh, oh. Oh, baby.

[laughing] Baby, baby.

[moaning]

Yeah, oh, baby.

Touch--[moans]

Take your teeth out, baby.
Take your teeth out.

[moaning]

[bottle clinking]

- Leave.

- Oh, come on, Janelle.

I don't have anywhere else
to go.

Grandma's in my room,

Brandon's basement
is hella nasty,

and Grandpa talks dirty
in his sleep.

- Well, do you have 20 bucks?

- No, I do not have 20 bucks
to sleep in my own house.

- Then you don't have a place
to sleep in your own house.

Bye.

- Pat, why in the hell
would you invite my mama

to see your show?

- To show her what I can do.

She think
I only tell knock-knock jokes

and I'm tired of her making fun
of my comedy career.

- Okay, baby.
All right, all right.

I'm sorry.

But maybe can you do
a G-rated version then?

- Sure, if G stand for,

"God damn,
that bitch can cuss!"

- Pat.
- I'm not changing my show

for nobody.
- Baby, can you at least

not do the sex stuff?

You know how much
of a prude she is, baby.

For me?

- Fine, but I think
you need to work out

some of this parenting shit
with your therapist.

- Yeah, probably.

My dad would kick my ass

for even saying the word
"therapy."

- You know, I think you should
really give Major a chance.

I wish I had seen my mama
change before she died.

- I just don't trust the man,
baby.

You know, he lied and cheated.

- Every nigga lied and cheated
in the '70s.

- Well, my mama didn't do
nothing to deserve that.

- Wait, Granddad is a ho?

- What the--

- Junebug, what the hell
are you doing in my tub?

Get the hell outta here!

- But Ma, I don't have
anywhere else to go.

- You wanna see me
give your daddy a bath?

- Dad, what are you doing?

- Shh, keep it down.

Boy, why are you still out here
sleeping?

It's 3:00 p.m.

- Well, it took me forever

to find somewhere
to sleep last night.

- Oh.
- Where you going?

- Oh, I'm gonna go
and try to see my therapist

and I don't want Grandpa
to see me.

- Why not?

- Your grandpa,
he wouldn't understand.

See, he and I don't have
the same father-son dynamic

as you and I.

- Going somewhere?

- Uh, yeah.

I'm just going for a drive
to get some gas,

with some gas,
you know what I'm saying?

Then I'm gonna keep on driving.

- Hey, Grandpa,
maybe you should go with him.

- Junebug!

- Hey, good idea.

Going to get my coat.

- If I would've been
in my own room,

none of this
would've ever happened.

[phone beeps]

Oh, I'ma call
Child Protective Services.

- [belches]

Hey, where we going, man?

We've been driving
for half an hour.

- I'ma tell you, Daddy,

but you need to promise
to stay calm

and keep an open mind.

- You know, the first thing
you learn in the military

that a open mind is worse
than an open ass.

Openness leads to control, son.

- See, that's exactly why
I don't talk to you

about nothing, Daddy.
You always talking about

control and the military
and the open asses--

- [laughs]
Okay, okay. I'm fine.

All right, I'm open. All right?

I'm open. Shit.

- [sighs]
This is my therapist's office.

- What the fuck?

Therapy?

Nigga, this is a strange way

for you to be coming out
the closet.

- Look, a real man will admit
that he's struggling, okay?

All right?
It's helped me out a lot

and it's really helped
my family.

- Look, back in the military,
man, if we found a nigga

who was going to therapy,

we would whoop his ass
with a sock full of soap.

I know what happens in there.

- Well, Daddy,
what you so scared of?

- It's a known fact

that when a nigga goes
to therapy,

he winds up eating pussy.

It's a slippery slope.

And if you eat pussy,
you'll eat some ass.

And if you eat ass,
you're fucking gay.

- All right,
all right, all right!

I get it. I get it.

Jesus.

But listen,

the only way
that we have a chance

of resolving things
is if you come inside

and talk things out with me.

Okay?

You say I don't know
what I'm talking about

when it comes to you, right?

So now is the time to tell me.

- I can't do this
without your mama here.

- [sighs]
It's not about Mama, Dad.

It's about you and me.

- It ain't gonna happen, son.

- [sighs]
Okay, fine.

- What?

Wait, wait.

Where you going?

- You wanna act like a child?

Try beating
them childproof locks.

[locks click]
- Ay!

Ay!

Open this goddamn door!

This is elder abuse, nigga!

[Bubba Sparxxx's
"Ms. New Booty"]

- Ah, Fernando, finally.

Thank you.
Can I get you on the floor?

- ♪ Let it flop,
shake it freely ♪

♪ And I don't tell stories ♪

- Oh, wow. It's crowded.

This town
must have limited options.

- Screw her.
When she sees you kill it

onstage like you do,
she gonna have

to show you some respect.

- I just don't know
if my shit is gonna be funny

if I can't be myself.

That graveyard joke I wrote
is hilarious,

but Terry said no sex jokes.

- Okay, well,
Bill Cosby always said,

"You ain't got to be dirty
to be funny."

- Denise, say that slow
and listen to yourself.

- Uh, is the smell
gonna go away?

Is it gonna go away
or do I gotta adjust to this?

Okay.
- Let it go.

You got a show to do.

And remember--
- I know, I know.

No sex stuff.

That's gonna be harder
than I expected.

♪ ♪

- Well, everything in here
is harder than I expected.

- ♪ Booty, booty
rockin' everywhere ♪

♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty
rockin' everywhere ♪

♪ ♪

- First of all,
I don't appreciate

being locked in
this hot damn car.

I ain't no damn Chihuahua.

- Terry, can you see that?

- Maybe if he didn't hump
everything like a dog in heat

I wouldn't have to trap him
like a dog in heat.

- Why don't you try sharing
with your father

your key issues
with how you were raised?

- [sighs]
- Hm?

- Well, for starters--

- Terry? Look him in the eye.

- Oh, for God's sakes.

Can't he just punch me
in the face?

- Dad, you were never there
for me emotionally.

You gave me zero praise

and you showed no interest
in things that I like.

I played varsity
for four years.

Tell me how many games
you went to.

- Look,
I worked 16 hours a day,

six days a week,
to feed you and your sisters.

I didn't have time
for no games.

- Yet you played a game
called cheating.

- If you wanna talk about this,
we can talk about this, okay?

But I just need your mom here.
- Stop saying that, man!

- Look,
we were gonna talk to you.

- This ain't about Mama, Dad!

- Major, can you--
- Just save your breath.

See, he's still the same cold,
never there, closed-off

piece of shit...
- Ay, ay, ay!

- That you always--
- I'm getting sick of you

disrespecting me.

- Ay, ay, I only disrespect you

'cause you disrespecting us.

Shouting at everybody,
drinking away your depression.

- Depression?

I may have put a few guns
to my own head,

but I have never been
depressed.

- Sounds like you
in the right car.

- Yeah, and even when
he wasn't doing that

he was out cheating
with whoever.

Mama had to do everything. Huh?

She kept our family together

and you don't even have
the decency to...

- You wanna know why I cheated?

Do you?
- 'Cause you were bored.

- No, because your mama
cheated on me first.

- What?

- Yeah,
your mama went out on me

and she got pregnant
by another man.

- Hey, you see this, Cheryl?

He can't even take
responsibility

for his own shit.

You not gonna sit here
and tell no lies

on my mama.
- I ain't making up no tales--

- Yeah, okay, okay.
If Mama ain't have no baby,

where the baby at, huh?

Where the baby at, Daddy?

- I'm looking at him.

[pencil snaps]

I am not
your biological father, Terry.

That didn't stop me
from loving you.

- Major, is this true?

- Look, we--we were both trying
to figure out how to say it.

Because we're back together
again,

we wanted to do it right.

We didn't want no lies,
no secrets.

- Terry, are you okay?

- No.

- Look, I've made mistakes.

I can't do nothing about that.

You know, the way that you care
for your children,

all of your children--

you know, I loved you,
but I couldn't love you

like you were my own.

But yet you did this every day

and I had mad respect for that.

You're a far better man
than I ever was.

- How does that make you feel?

Terry, use your words.

- It's--it's--it's--

it's too much right now, um...

- I don't blame you
for being angry.

Look, I was selfish.

Every time I looked
in your face,

I saw your mother's sins,

and that wasn't fair to you.

But I'd be lying if I said
I didn't love you anyway.

Maybe I didn't love you
the way you needed...

but I loved you the way
that I knew how.

- Can you receive
what your father is saying?

- [sighs]
Since I've always wanted

to hear that word
from my father and um,

I guess I still haven't.

- No, but you have.

You have. You have.

We may not be blood,

but you are my son.

Okay?

And I'm damn proud of that.

I swear.

I swear.

- And that concludes
your first therapy session,

Mr. Carson.

How do you feel?

- [sighs] You deserve
whatever he's paying you.

I still ain't eating no pussy.

[upbeat percussive music]

- Come on.

Just--just give it a kiss.

[slurring]
What did you do that for?

- Sweetheart, there are women
who would fellate a balloon

and there are those
who will not,

and I am of the latter.

Oh, my God!

♪ ♪

This place is nastier
than the carpet

in a hourly motel from hell.

I'm taking an Uber.

- No.
- I'm getting outta here.

- No, no, no, no, no.
Just sit down.

Pat's almost up.

- Y'all ready to get this party
started?

[cheers and applause]

All right,
give it up for your MC,

local favorite, Ms. Pat!

[cheers and applause]

- Go, Pat!

- There is nothing I hate more

than one of these anorexic
bachelorette parties.

All y'all nasty asses
going to hell.

- That's true.

- And y'all need Jesus

and I ain't even talking about
the Mexican stripper

I saw back there
tea-bagging the shit

outta the maid of honor.

[laughter]

Bitch is not going to make it
to the wedding

'cause she gonna have
two black eyes.

Is the bride here?

- Whoo-hoo!
[cheering]

- Yeah, cheer now

'cause your ass
gon' be sad tomorrow.

Is your mother-in-law
still alive?

- Yup.
- Pray she die

before the rehearsal dinner.

My mother-in-law
here tonight too.

Look at her bougie ass
trying to sneak outta here.

I don't blame her
'cause one of y'all

tried to give her
a balloon blow job.

You know damn well
y'all just can't go around

waving no hard dicks
in no old bitch face.

She don't know whether
to suck 'em or kick 'em.

But you know what?
[chuckles]

I make a lot of jokes
about her,

but I actually love
my devil-in-law.

- Aw.

- 'Cause she's the reason why
my husband is so special.

And I work every day

to be worthy
of the love he give me.

And that's the reason why
I haven't killed that bitch.

And that's probably why
she haven't stabbed me.

- She is actually
quite humorous.

- Well, that's what we've been
trying to tell you,

you joyless pile of wrinkles.

[laughs]

Sorry, I just got caught up
in the roast-battle vibes.

[laughter]

- Oh, Pat, you were fantastic
up there, honey.

You know, even though
it's not my brand of comedy.

I'm more
of a Cedric the Entertainer

kind of girl.

I like it when people tell me

what they do with they name.

Ooh, you could be
"Pat the Hoodrat"!

[laughs]

- Thank you, Jewell.

That means a lot.

- Look at y'all getting along
like piss and shit.

- [laughs]

- Miss Jewell, do you mind

if I have
your dildo doggie bag?

'Cause I know
you not gonna use it.

- No, I like leftovers.
I gon' keep it.

- [laughs]

Okay.
[both laugh]

- Guess your shit didn't
go as well as my shit.

- You never told me.

I can't believe
you never told me, Mama.

- Told you what?

- Honey, we were supposed
to tell him together.

- I know your old ass
ain't pregnant.

- My mama cheated on Major.
He is not my father.

- Well, damn, girl.

You might actually use
that dildo doggie bag.

- Terry. Terry, please wait.

- Look, Mama,
there are no words

that can do anything, okay?

- Terry, Terry,
talk to your mother.

- Look,
y'all are going home tomorrow

and that's just gonna be that.

- She wants to talk.

You made me talk,
so talk to her.

- Well, Major,
I'm not in the mood--

- Terry.

- Mama,
why wouldn't you tell me?

- Listen to me. Listen--
- No, no!

- Please sit. Please. Please.

Please listen to me.

Terry, please.
- Okay.

- Please.

Baby,
I came from a broken home.

My father had me
with another woman

that he only saw twice
in his life,

once when he had me
and when she dropped me off.

- Your mama
was a five-dollar ho?

- The point is, is that I know
what it feels like

as a kid to not belong,

and I never wanted you
to feel that way.

It was time
to tell you the truth.

- There's an expiration
to the truth, Mama.

Yeah.

And you know it's spoiled

when it don't serve nobody
but you.

I'm going to bed.

- [cries]
- I'm going to bed.

Please.

- [sobs]

- And your ass was judging me?

- And I'm so sorry.
- Yes, you are.

- Well, there is a bright side.

I don't live here no more.

- Okay, everybody.
Thank you for having us.

Sorry we had to
cut our trip so short.

[clears throat]
- I meant every word, son.

I love you.

- Junebug.
[chuckles]

Thank you for giving up
your room, baby.

Janelle, aw.
- Grandma.

- Baby girl,
stay as sweet as you are.

Okay?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Brandon. Ooh, Lord.
God bless you, honey.

And Pat, I am going to miss
thinking of you as

the gold-digging EBT queen
who can't cook.

- [laughs]
And I'm gonna miss calling you

a dusty cold-blooded bitch.

Never mind. I still will.

- And I'ma give you some time,
Terry,

and I really do hope that you--
- Keep hoping.

- And I will.

Love you, son.

- [sighs]

- Well, this might actually
bring us closer.

- How?

- 'Cause now we both got
fucked up childhoods.

- [groans]
- It's okay, Daddy.

- Oh, it ain't nothing too,
baby.

- It's a'ight, Daddy.
- Boy--

- Mwah.
- Boy--[laughs]

Oh, all right.
- Yeah, okay.

- My family, my family.

[laughter]
Babies.

- ♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And she don't take
no stuff ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ With three damn kids ♪

♪ She's a grown-ass woman ♪

♪ And it's
"The Ms. Pat Show" ♪

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