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1
00:00:10,855 --> 00:00:13,828
Contrary to popular belief,
the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo
2
00:00:13,895 --> 00:00:14,897
wasn't racist.
3
00:00:14,963 --> 00:00:15,899
It was racial.
4
00:00:15,965 --> 00:00:16,901
There's a difference.
5
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:17,869
[both giggling]
6
00:00:17,936 --> 00:00:18,938
Mr. Aquino,
7
00:00:19,005 --> 00:00:20,073
passing notes and giggling?
8
00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:22,177
Not on my watch.
9
00:00:22,244 --> 00:00:23,614
"Could the postcolonial reconstruction
10
00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:25,785
of the American Southwest
be any cooler?"
11
00:00:25,852 --> 00:00:27,756
How dare you be sarcastic
with me!
12
00:00:27,822 --> 00:00:28,791
Mr. Wallace, it's sincere.
13
00:00:28,858 --> 00:00:29,860
I'm that nerdy.
14
00:00:29,927 --> 00:00:30,995
How's this for sincere?
15
00:00:31,062 --> 00:00:32,197
Extra reading tonight.
16
00:00:32,264 --> 00:00:33,568
On Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
17
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:34,770
STUDENT: Oh, man!
[students snickering]
18
00:00:34,836 --> 00:00:36,372
MR. WALLACE: Dissect
the Rosenbergs' timeline
19
00:00:36,439 --> 00:00:38,343
and see how it lines up
with the show The Americans.
20
00:00:38,410 --> 00:00:40,180
Passing notes
is a slippery slope.
21
00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:41,584
CHRISSY AS SKELETON:
[demonic voice] Hi, Teach.
22
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:42,953
You bored me to death!
23
00:00:43,019 --> 00:00:44,255
Oh, God! Ahh!
24
00:00:44,322 --> 00:00:46,560
Oh, God! Ahh! Oh, God.
[laughter]
25
00:00:46,627 --> 00:00:48,496
Oh, my God.
That was so cool.
26
00:00:48,564 --> 00:00:52,304
I'm your sub, Mr. Boner,
and I'm hard for history.
27
00:00:52,371 --> 00:00:53,708
I don't--
I don't deserve to die.
28
00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:55,444
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
29
00:00:55,511 --> 00:00:58,684
We still good to try that new
WWE-themed ice cream place,
30
00:00:58,751 --> 00:00:59,686
Stone Cold Creamery?
31
00:00:59,753 --> 00:01:01,289
Gimme a hell yeah!
32
00:01:01,356 --> 00:01:02,458
ARABELLA:
Hey. Chrissy, right?
33
00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:03,828
BENNIGAN:
Arabella, don't hurt us!
34
00:01:03,894 --> 00:01:05,865
One of us could be the person
to solve global warming.
35
00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:07,167
You know my name?
36
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,238
That skeleton thing you did
was so dank.
37
00:01:09,305 --> 00:01:11,376
Like, such a subversion
of Western hegemony.
38
00:01:11,442 --> 00:01:12,646
Oh, yeah, that's, uh,
39
00:01:12,712 --> 00:01:14,482
my least favorite kind
of hegemony.
40
00:01:14,549 --> 00:01:16,921
We're protesting fast fashion
at Camry's later.
41
00:01:16,987 --> 00:01:18,256
You should come.
- Uh, yeah.
42
00:01:18,323 --> 00:01:19,225
Okay, I'll be there.
43
00:01:19,292 --> 00:01:20,862
TTYL, Chrissy.
44
00:01:20,929 --> 00:01:22,331
We have to stop at Forever 21.
45
00:01:22,398 --> 00:01:24,636
I'm gonna hang out with
Arabella and her friends today?
46
00:01:24,703 --> 00:01:26,774
Sure, she's popular,
but what's the big deal?
47
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,111
They're somebody.
People remember their names.
48
00:01:29,178 --> 00:01:31,015
They're not just "new girl."
Oh, God.
49
00:01:31,082 --> 00:01:32,451
What do I wear
to protest fast fashion?
50
00:01:32,519 --> 00:01:33,688
What's slow? A turtleneck?
51
00:01:33,754 --> 00:01:35,357
You mean after we get
ice cream, right?
52
00:01:35,424 --> 00:01:37,227
The flavors will put you
in a suplex.
53
00:01:37,294 --> 00:01:39,031
- Cool if we reschedule?
- Totally.
54
00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:40,167
TTYL.
55
00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,006
[laughs] LOL, NP...
56
00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:44,743
if "LOL, NP" stood for
57
00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:48,718
"Losing one's laughter.
Nihilism, pain."
58
00:01:48,784 --> 00:01:51,724
[dramatic music]
59
00:01:51,790 --> 00:01:56,366
♪ ♪
60
00:01:57,234 --> 00:02:00,374
[clock ticking]
61
00:02:02,244 --> 00:02:04,248
[slurping]
62
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:08,691
So, uh, don't forget it's our
weekly deer skinning tonight.
63
00:02:08,758 --> 00:02:11,062
Gonna show you how to remove
soft tissue from the hide.
64
00:02:11,129 --> 00:02:12,464
Ugh, vom.
65
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:13,834
LAURA: Okay,
can you just put down that book
66
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:14,870
and eat your breakfast?
67
00:02:14,936 --> 00:02:16,507
It's the novelization
of Parasite.
68
00:02:16,573 --> 00:02:18,443
And breakfast
is a social construct.
69
00:02:18,511 --> 00:02:20,581
Last week, you wanted
dinosaur-shaped pancakes,
70
00:02:20,648 --> 00:02:22,652
and now you're protesting
the idea of breakfast?
71
00:02:22,719 --> 00:02:23,754
[chuckling] Got it.
- [scoffs]
72
00:02:23,821 --> 00:02:25,223
Some of us are interested
in growth,
73
00:02:25,290 --> 00:02:26,292
not just being a shill.
74
00:02:26,359 --> 00:02:27,762
I literally support anarchy.
75
00:02:27,829 --> 00:02:29,298
That outfit is anarchy.
76
00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:30,935
All right, Chrissy,
what has gotten into you?
77
00:02:31,002 --> 00:02:32,204
Stop calling me that.
78
00:02:32,271 --> 00:02:33,941
My girlfriends call me
Skelli-Trash Bride.
79
00:02:34,008 --> 00:02:36,012
Wait a minute--you don't have
any friends that are girls.
80
00:02:36,079 --> 00:02:38,450
I have more of a life outside
of this house than you think.
81
00:02:38,517 --> 00:02:40,521
Coming from the girl who took
Erwin to the fall dance?
82
00:02:40,588 --> 00:02:42,559
- I'm right here.
- Whatever!
83
00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:44,462
[horn honks]
I'm gonna be late. Bye.
84
00:02:44,529 --> 00:02:46,499
Wait a minute.
Who is driving you to school?
85
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,403
Are they old enough?
- My friend Camry.
86
00:02:48,470 --> 00:02:50,875
And she repeated eighth grade
three times, so yeah.
87
00:02:50,942 --> 00:02:53,113
Maybe your new friends
like your shitty attitude,
88
00:02:53,179 --> 00:02:54,248
but I don't.
89
00:02:54,315 --> 00:02:55,551
[demonic voice]
Don't touch me.
90
00:02:55,618 --> 00:02:57,622
I wanna hang out
with people my own age,
91
00:02:57,689 --> 00:03:01,697
not skin deer with some
ancient, dried out hag.
92
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:02,932
[door slams]
93
00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:04,970
Oh, by the way, Chrissy took
one of your Wiccan tools
94
00:03:05,037 --> 00:03:06,305
earlier.
- What?
95
00:03:06,372 --> 00:03:07,942
Why the fuck didn't you say
something sooner?
96
00:03:08,009 --> 00:03:09,078
Maybe don't shit on me
97
00:03:09,145 --> 00:03:10,313
for being someone's
fall dance date.
98
00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:11,349
[slurping]
99
00:03:11,416 --> 00:03:12,919
[door creaks]
100
00:03:12,986 --> 00:03:14,689
That little fucking brat.
101
00:03:14,756 --> 00:03:16,025
[ominous music]
102
00:03:16,092 --> 00:03:17,161
[tires squeal]
103
00:03:17,227 --> 00:03:18,898
[goat bleats]
104
00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:21,102
And where does she get off
calling me a hag?
105
00:03:21,169 --> 00:03:22,371
I am 34.
106
00:03:22,438 --> 00:03:24,375
Thank you very much.
107
00:03:25,143 --> 00:03:26,245
[goat bleats]
108
00:03:26,312 --> 00:03:28,016
[blade swishes]
109
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:31,222
[baby crying]
110
00:03:31,957 --> 00:03:33,527
Haruch vas divinite!
111
00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:34,730
[mystical whooshing]
112
00:03:34,796 --> 00:03:37,869
[easy listening music playing]
113
00:03:37,936 --> 00:03:39,740
♪ ♪
114
00:03:39,806 --> 00:03:42,177
Hey, Laura, I'm joining
a rec softball team.
115
00:03:42,244 --> 00:03:43,881
You in? Oh, God. What's this?
116
00:03:43,948 --> 00:03:45,685
I'm borrowing youth
from this baby.
117
00:03:45,752 --> 00:03:47,889
So you're taking
this hag thing hard, huh?
118
00:03:47,956 --> 00:03:48,791
Chrissy took a Wiccan tool
119
00:03:48,858 --> 00:03:50,360
that can conjure
the darkest evils,
120
00:03:50,427 --> 00:03:52,231
and it's all because of those
popular girls.
121
00:03:52,297 --> 00:03:53,734
She's only listening to them,
122
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:56,072
so I have to transform myself
into an actual tween
123
00:03:56,139 --> 00:03:57,174
to get through to her.
- Oh.
124
00:03:57,241 --> 00:03:58,443
Well, when you put it
like that,
125
00:03:58,511 --> 00:04:00,113
this kidnapping
is actually cool and normal.
126
00:04:00,180 --> 00:04:01,215
Oh, grow up.
127
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,451
They're in a state
of deep slumber.
128
00:04:02,519 --> 00:04:04,488
They might as well be
in a spa right now.
129
00:04:04,556 --> 00:04:05,858
This is gonna be painful
for me.
130
00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:07,060
Lock the garage door.
131
00:04:07,127 --> 00:04:09,498
No matter how much I beg you,
do not open it.
132
00:04:09,566 --> 00:04:10,902
All right, but later,
133
00:04:10,968 --> 00:04:12,806
I get to do one weird thing
in the garage.
134
00:04:12,872 --> 00:04:13,841
[door creaks, slams]
135
00:04:13,908 --> 00:04:16,580
LAURA: [screaming]
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!
136
00:04:16,647 --> 00:04:18,483
Erwin, this wasn't worth it!
I'll Let Chrissy die!
137
00:04:18,551 --> 00:04:20,420
Please open the garage!
138
00:04:22,024 --> 00:04:23,259
Would it kill you to smile?
139
00:04:23,326 --> 00:04:24,729
I promised Chrissy a weekend
140
00:04:24,796 --> 00:04:26,533
of gambling and smoking cigars.
141
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,138
[speaking language]
142
00:04:29,673 --> 00:04:31,442
[rumbling]
- Ah, hold up, hold up.
143
00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:32,846
I'm getting a text.
144
00:04:32,912 --> 00:04:33,948
[creature screeches]
[flame whooshes]
145
00:04:34,850 --> 00:04:36,085
"Hey, Dad.
146
00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:37,622
"Can't make this weekend.
147
00:04:37,689 --> 00:04:39,191
Have a crazy school project."
148
00:04:39,258 --> 00:04:40,494
Grimacing emoji.
149
00:04:40,561 --> 00:04:42,599
"Working at Bennigan's." What?
150
00:04:42,665 --> 00:04:45,137
I'm being upstaged
by the fucking yo-yo kid?
151
00:04:45,203 --> 00:04:47,107
Son of a bitch, pulling the ol'
152
00:04:47,174 --> 00:04:49,178
"school project" routine on me?
153
00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:50,480
It's code for butt stuff.
154
00:04:50,548 --> 00:04:52,451
Snake with Arms, cadaver.
155
00:04:52,519 --> 00:04:54,321
[tires screeching]
[crashing]
156
00:04:54,388 --> 00:04:56,459
DRIVER: Oh, God!
I killed an armadillo!
157
00:04:56,527 --> 00:04:58,864
SATAN IN ARMADILLO:
[grumbling] Fucking stairs...
158
00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:00,835
[pop]
All right, you sick fuck.
159
00:05:00,902 --> 00:05:02,437
Ahh! Zombie armadillo!
160
00:05:02,505 --> 00:05:04,743
It's me, the Devil,
in a dead armadillo.
161
00:05:04,810 --> 00:05:05,945
Wait, what do you want
from me?
162
00:05:06,012 --> 00:05:07,515
Are--are we friends now?
- Where is she?
163
00:05:07,582 --> 00:05:09,986
I heard about your
"school project," perv.
164
00:05:10,053 --> 00:05:11,523
Your pee-pee's getting
the guillotine.
165
00:05:11,590 --> 00:05:13,059
I guess that was her cover.
166
00:05:13,126 --> 00:05:14,563
I haven't seen Chrissy in days.
167
00:05:14,629 --> 00:05:16,199
Ever since she got popular.
168
00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:17,201
What the f--
169
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,403
When did this happen?
170
00:05:18,469 --> 00:05:20,140
Tell me everything you know,
now!
171
00:05:20,207 --> 00:05:21,442
This week! What's wrong?
172
00:05:21,510 --> 00:05:23,547
Popular people
are a menace to society.
173
00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:25,016
And this is me talking.
174
00:05:25,083 --> 00:05:27,655
I've seen this crap play out
for hundreds of years.
175
00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:29,626
First, she's popular
in middle school.
176
00:05:29,693 --> 00:05:32,599
Then she joins a middle tier
sorority in college.
177
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,034
Before you know it,
she's married
178
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,571
to some dick-nose named Trent
179
00:05:35,638 --> 00:05:37,942
who works in mergers
and acquisitions.
180
00:05:38,009 --> 00:05:39,913
She'll be so wrapped up
in that kind of shit,
181
00:05:39,980 --> 00:05:41,917
she'll lose sight of what's
really important in life.
182
00:05:41,984 --> 00:05:43,954
- Her real friends--
- Universal supremacy!
183
00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:45,858
There's gotta be something
we can do, right?
184
00:05:45,925 --> 00:05:47,394
Nah. We can't do shit.
185
00:05:47,461 --> 00:05:48,797
Chrissy's popular now.
186
00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:50,935
She won't listen to anyone except...
187
00:05:51,002 --> 00:05:52,805
a more popular kid.
188
00:05:52,872 --> 00:05:55,143
You're gonna possess someone
more popular and get her back?
189
00:05:55,210 --> 00:05:56,613
You kidding? If I possess,
190
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:57,982
Chrissy will sniff me out.
191
00:05:58,049 --> 00:05:59,619
I got it! You.
192
00:05:59,686 --> 00:06:00,821
- What?
- Only you can help her.
193
00:06:00,888 --> 00:06:02,357
No, no, no.
I can't become popular.
194
00:06:02,424 --> 00:06:03,594
I'm more of a wallflower.
195
00:06:03,661 --> 00:06:05,196
Not just popular,
196
00:06:05,263 --> 00:06:08,169
the kind of kid she doesn't use
as a cover story.
197
00:06:08,236 --> 00:06:09,573
Plus, she seems to like you.
198
00:06:09,639 --> 00:06:11,877
Or she did, at least.
199
00:06:12,812 --> 00:06:13,747
You know what?
200
00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:16,219
Let's make me
the coolest gosh-darn kid
201
00:06:16,285 --> 00:06:17,487
this town has ever seen.
202
00:06:17,555 --> 00:06:19,425
Now you're talkin', Benny!
203
00:06:22,565 --> 00:06:23,534
[bell rings]
204
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:26,439
[upbeat rock music]
205
00:06:26,506 --> 00:06:27,709
All right, Laura.
206
00:06:27,775 --> 00:06:29,478
You're wiser and hotter
than these morons.
207
00:06:29,546 --> 00:06:30,848
I'll have Chrissy back
before lunch.
208
00:06:30,915 --> 00:06:32,284
SECRETARY EDNA:
Just a reminder,
209
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:34,421
Principal Dawkins
is holding a safety assembly
210
00:06:34,488 --> 00:06:35,725
in the theater this afternoon
211
00:06:35,791 --> 00:06:37,562
on the new dangers
of teenager-ness.
212
00:06:37,629 --> 00:06:39,365
Attendance is mandatory.
213
00:06:39,431 --> 00:06:41,503
Hi. Where can I find
Chrissy Feinberg?
214
00:06:41,570 --> 00:06:42,739
I'm her lab partner.
215
00:06:42,805 --> 00:06:43,874
Why don't you just text her?
216
00:06:43,941 --> 00:06:45,711
Uh, because cell phones
are brain poison.
217
00:06:45,778 --> 00:06:47,014
Read a book, you dumb idiot.
218
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,084
Whoa, uncool.
Weaponizing intelligence?
219
00:06:49,151 --> 00:06:50,955
Not a behavior
I wanna see normalized.
220
00:06:51,022 --> 00:06:53,026
- Are you all right?
- I just feel so gaslit.
221
00:06:53,092 --> 00:06:54,663
Get away from us,
toxic new girl.
222
00:06:54,729 --> 00:06:56,633
Aw, wait, come on, come on.
223
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:57,869
I--I didn't mean...
224
00:06:57,936 --> 00:06:59,371
Wait a minute,
why do I give a shit?
225
00:06:59,438 --> 00:07:01,342
[scoffs]
Stupid fuckin' teen spell,
226
00:07:01,409 --> 00:07:03,279
making me all hormonal
and emotional.
227
00:07:03,346 --> 00:07:06,285
[ominous music]
228
00:07:06,352 --> 00:07:13,466
♪ ♪
229
00:07:16,907 --> 00:07:18,877
- You vape?
- Sometimes.
230
00:07:18,944 --> 00:07:20,548
You know
it gives you popcorn lung.
231
00:07:20,615 --> 00:07:22,484
- What are you, my mom?
- Uh, me? No--
232
00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:24,589
I'm Abigail Carter-Lange,
new in town,
233
00:07:24,656 --> 00:07:26,727
no discernible past,
so don't bother looking me up.
234
00:07:26,793 --> 00:07:28,998
- Okay?
- So what's the haps, huh?
235
00:07:29,064 --> 00:07:31,469
Where do the, uh, cool kids go
to let loose
236
00:07:31,536 --> 00:07:33,139
and play with
otherworldly artifacts?
237
00:07:33,206 --> 00:07:34,208
Are you confused?
238
00:07:34,274 --> 00:07:35,511
[stall door opens]
239
00:07:35,578 --> 00:07:37,180
Is toxic new girl
bothering you?
240
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:38,249
No, she just, like--
241
00:07:38,316 --> 00:07:39,986
Who made those braces,
Amtrak?
242
00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:42,525
Those shoes should come
with a Content Warning.
243
00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:43,761
Let's leave
before toxic new girl
244
00:07:43,827 --> 00:07:45,296
tries to red-pill us.
245
00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:47,502
♪ ♪
246
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,038
Well, who made your shoes, huh?
247
00:07:49,104 --> 00:07:50,106
Amtrak?
248
00:07:50,173 --> 00:07:51,342
Damn it.
249
00:07:51,409 --> 00:07:53,212
[dripping]
250
00:07:53,279 --> 00:07:54,448
[dramatic music]
251
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:55,518
"Slimm Timm"?
252
00:07:55,584 --> 00:07:57,889
Who the hell is Slimm Timm?
253
00:07:57,955 --> 00:08:00,895
♪ ♪
254
00:08:00,961 --> 00:08:03,499
All right, first step
in making you cool as shit
255
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,538
was getting you
this cool-as-shit hat.
256
00:08:05,604 --> 00:08:07,575
I will agree with you, sir,
on this.
257
00:08:07,642 --> 00:08:09,579
This hat is super cool.
- Keep it on.
258
00:08:09,646 --> 00:08:11,048
I'm gonna pull your hair
to control you.
259
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:12,451
Ooh, like Ratatouille.
260
00:08:12,518 --> 00:08:14,589
If you don't shut up, you're
gonna fuck up my whole plan.
261
00:08:14,656 --> 00:08:16,058
Oh, and--and what is
your plan, sir?
262
00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:17,729
Let's just say
you're about to look
263
00:08:17,795 --> 00:08:19,866
like the biggest badass
in middle school history.
264
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,035
Now mush.
265
00:08:21,102 --> 00:08:23,006
Whoa, wait. H-how?
266
00:08:23,072 --> 00:08:24,642
I started a credible rumor
that you're banging
267
00:08:24,709 --> 00:08:26,045
the hottest teacher in school.
268
00:08:26,112 --> 00:08:27,080
Wait. You what?
269
00:08:27,147 --> 00:08:28,917
Miss Rainy,
you are utterly depraved!
270
00:08:28,984 --> 00:08:30,921
How could you?
- Principal Dawkins,
271
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:32,725
I swear those photos
aren't real.
272
00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:34,428
Bennigan, please.
Tell the truth.
273
00:08:34,495 --> 00:08:36,633
Of course. The truth is...
274
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:37,869
SATAN VOICING BENNIGAN:
That I nailed Ms. Rainy
275
00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:40,206
in ways
that would make God cry.
276
00:08:40,273 --> 00:08:41,409
[students exclaiming]
277
00:08:41,475 --> 00:08:42,879
[gasps] Oh, God.
278
00:08:42,945 --> 00:08:44,181
Please, no! Please, no!
STUDENT: That is so messed up.
279
00:08:44,248 --> 00:08:45,718
She was my favorite teacher,
and now she's a perv.
280
00:08:45,785 --> 00:08:46,686
SATAN IN ARMADILLO:
I don't get it.
281
00:08:46,753 --> 00:08:47,989
Why aren't people
worshipping you?
282
00:08:48,056 --> 00:08:50,561
You told people
that I slept with a teacher.
283
00:08:50,628 --> 00:08:52,130
- That's cool.
- That's not cool!
284
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:53,499
It's a heinous crime!
285
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,536
Poor Miss Rainy.
286
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,504
What are they gonna do to her?
287
00:08:55,571 --> 00:08:56,472
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
288
00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:57,942
All press is good press.
289
00:08:58,009 --> 00:09:00,080
As long as people are talking.
290
00:09:00,146 --> 00:09:02,952
[keys clacking]
- "Slimm Timm."
291
00:09:03,019 --> 00:09:04,321
[upbeat dance music playing]
292
00:09:04,388 --> 00:09:06,125
KAMERICKLE SPURKLES:
W-w-w-w-w-wowy kazowee,
293
00:09:06,192 --> 00:09:07,227
shizbags!
294
00:09:07,294 --> 00:09:08,262
Aye! Aye!
295
00:09:08,329 --> 00:09:09,264
Kamerickle Spurkles
296
00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:10,266
with all the latest tea
297
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,204
on the cray and creepy.
298
00:09:12,270 --> 00:09:14,676
Hold onto yer tables
and piss on this!
299
00:09:14,743 --> 00:09:16,011
Slimm Timm.
300
00:09:16,078 --> 00:09:18,282
Teens across the world
posted stories
301
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,654
of a slender man
who roams the globe
302
00:09:20,721 --> 00:09:24,027
in search of young hearts
to devour.
303
00:09:24,094 --> 00:09:25,130
How the hell
don't I know this freak?
304
00:09:25,196 --> 00:09:26,499
It's my whole thing.
305
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,568
KAMERICKLE SPURKLES:
The more you believe in him,
306
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,405
the more real he becomes.
307
00:09:29,471 --> 00:09:31,375
A tulpa. Fuck. Of course.
308
00:09:31,442 --> 00:09:32,712
KAMERICKLE SPURKLES:
Acolytes will often offer him
309
00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:34,214
their weakest member
in exchange
310
00:09:34,281 --> 00:09:36,720
for his eternal love
and admiration.
311
00:09:36,787 --> 00:09:38,055
Don't forget
to smash Subscribe
312
00:09:38,122 --> 00:09:40,326
for more sick vids
and dank memes.
313
00:09:40,393 --> 00:09:42,698
Those bitches
are gonna sacrifice Chrissy.
314
00:09:42,765 --> 00:09:44,034
Hey, you, where in this school
315
00:09:44,101 --> 00:09:45,571
do kids go to do dark shit, huh?
316
00:09:45,638 --> 00:09:46,740
Tell me now. Come on.
317
00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:48,309
That depends
who you're referring to.
318
00:09:48,376 --> 00:09:50,714
Manga girls read guro
under the bleachers.
319
00:09:50,781 --> 00:09:53,019
Then you got the art kids,
total smackheads.
320
00:09:53,085 --> 00:09:54,856
Okay, okay. Well,
what about the popular girls?
321
00:09:54,923 --> 00:09:56,025
Always something new
with them.
322
00:09:56,091 --> 00:09:57,562
Just look at their
ShitSta page.
323
00:09:57,628 --> 00:09:59,164
They'll post
all their dark shit there.
324
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:00,333
The fuck is...[scoffs]
325
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,204
Look, if that's some
social media bullshit,
326
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:03,640
there's no way
Chrissy has one of those.
327
00:10:03,707 --> 00:10:04,642
Chrissy Feinberg?
328
00:10:04,709 --> 00:10:05,945
Uh, yes, she does.
329
00:10:06,011 --> 00:10:08,082
Her page is growing in numbers
as we speak.
330
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,353
Climbing to the top ten
student body influencers
331
00:10:10,420 --> 00:10:11,756
in just under three days, and--
332
00:10:11,823 --> 00:10:14,729
Save it for your podcast,
loser, and show me.
333
00:10:14,796 --> 00:10:15,731
She likes free jazz?
334
00:10:15,798 --> 00:10:17,267
Since when?
335
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:19,739
Hey, guys, sorry
I haven't posted in forever.
336
00:10:19,806 --> 00:10:21,843
Laura's been sucking the life
out of me.
337
00:10:21,910 --> 00:10:23,780
Can't wait to get
out of the hag's prison
338
00:10:23,847 --> 00:10:26,318
and into my happy place,
hangin' with my girlies.
339
00:10:26,385 --> 00:10:28,055
[grumbles]
340
00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:30,360
Hey, where is this?
341
00:10:30,426 --> 00:10:31,563
The old boiler room.
342
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:32,965
It's the tragic
and haunted site
343
00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:34,301
where they take kids
to get bullied.
344
00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:36,172
Nearly 40 years ago,
they went too far--
345
00:10:36,238 --> 00:10:38,677
Oh, my God, I'm gonna turn
your ribcage into a lampshade.
346
00:10:38,744 --> 00:10:40,815
Shut up and tell me
where the fuck it is.
347
00:10:40,881 --> 00:10:42,685
BENNIGAN:
Look, I want to get popular
348
00:10:42,752 --> 00:10:44,021
and talk some sense
into Chrissy
349
00:10:44,087 --> 00:10:45,223
just as much as you do, sir--
350
00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:46,225
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.
351
00:10:46,292 --> 00:10:47,662
But we can't hurt anyone.
Deal?
352
00:10:47,728 --> 00:10:49,064
This idea's harmless.
353
00:10:49,131 --> 00:10:50,433
See those cool kids over
there cutting class?
354
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:51,570
BENNIGAN: Yeah.
SATAN IN ARMADILLO: We're gonna
355
00:10:51,636 --> 00:10:53,105
do one of those viral pranks
356
00:10:53,172 --> 00:10:55,678
that kids love to make you look
like a fuckin' stud.
357
00:10:55,744 --> 00:10:57,280
Okay.
And we're gonna do this by...
358
00:10:57,347 --> 00:10:59,786
On my signal,
a team of Beast Guards
359
00:10:59,853 --> 00:11:01,790
are gonna beat the shit
out of that cool kid.
360
00:11:01,857 --> 00:11:03,492
I mean,
really decimate the guy.
361
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,265
Then I figure you jump out,
strip to your undies,
362
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,804
dive into a kiddie pool
of tapioca pudding,
363
00:11:08,871 --> 00:11:11,610
and you will yell "swag"
or "kazooie."
364
00:11:11,676 --> 00:11:12,678
Wha--no!
365
00:11:12,745 --> 00:11:14,314
H-how is that a prank to you?
366
00:11:14,381 --> 00:11:16,352
Beating someone
within an inch of their life?
367
00:11:16,418 --> 00:11:17,655
Holy shit, kid.
368
00:11:17,722 --> 00:11:19,191
You are fuckin' hopeless.
369
00:11:19,258 --> 00:11:22,264
First, it's, "Ew, sex
with teachers is a crime."
370
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,067
- It is.
- Now you're against pranks.
371
00:11:24,134 --> 00:11:27,207
This isn't the '80s,
Mr. Satan, sir, okay?
372
00:11:27,274 --> 00:11:29,846
Why can't we just get popular
by being like a decent person?
373
00:11:29,913 --> 00:11:31,181
All right,
you don't wanna listen to me?
374
00:11:31,248 --> 00:11:32,183
Try it. Be decent.
375
00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:34,388
Let's watch you
crash and burn, dipshit.
376
00:11:34,454 --> 00:11:36,392
Fine. Respectfully, I will.
377
00:11:37,562 --> 00:11:39,632
What do you want?
We're ditching class.
378
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,636
Beat it.
- Hey, I've been there.
379
00:11:41,703 --> 00:11:43,640
Skipping class
is just a way to say,
380
00:11:43,707 --> 00:11:46,111
"Hey. I'm so, so scared,
381
00:11:46,178 --> 00:11:49,484
and in my life, this is
the one thing I can control."
382
00:11:49,552 --> 00:11:51,388
But Brian, hey.
383
00:11:51,455 --> 00:11:53,259
Look at me, bud. Look at me.
384
00:11:53,326 --> 00:11:55,731
You. Are. Valid.
385
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,267
[gentle music]
386
00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:58,670
[sniffling]
387
00:11:58,737 --> 00:12:00,240
I'm so afraid of the future.
388
00:12:00,306 --> 00:12:02,745
Sometimes I feel invisible,
and this is the only way
389
00:12:02,812 --> 00:12:04,882
I feel seen.
- Shh, shh, shh. I gotcha.
390
00:12:04,949 --> 00:12:07,855
Ol' Benny Boy Superstar's
gotcha.
391
00:12:07,922 --> 00:12:12,030
You are the single
coolest kid I've ever met.
392
00:12:12,097 --> 00:12:13,132
Welcome, king.
[students cheering]
393
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:14,769
STUDENT 1:
Yeah! No, he is cool.
394
00:12:14,836 --> 00:12:16,305
STUDENT 2:
Emotional maturity is the tits.
395
00:12:16,372 --> 00:12:19,411
- Holy shit.
- That worked? That worked!
396
00:12:19,478 --> 00:12:22,350
I never thought to just talk
to the popular people.
397
00:12:22,417 --> 00:12:24,956
Big deal, "kazooie" would've
accomplished the same thing,
398
00:12:25,023 --> 00:12:26,358
but with more sex appeal.
399
00:12:26,425 --> 00:12:28,797
Now for phase two.
400
00:12:28,864 --> 00:12:30,668
You ever see someone
and think, man,
401
00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:32,605
that looks just like
the child version
402
00:12:32,672 --> 00:12:34,041
of somebody I used to nail?
403
00:12:34,107 --> 00:12:35,611
I--I never thought that.
404
00:12:35,678 --> 00:12:38,583
[suspenseful music]
405
00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:45,363
♪ ♪
406
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:47,000
ARABELLA:
Skelli-Trash Bride, hurry up
407
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,539
and sit your sacrificial ass
on that pentagram.
408
00:12:49,606 --> 00:12:51,041
You got it...
[chuckles] Bish.
409
00:12:51,108 --> 00:12:52,410
You don't call her bish!
410
00:12:52,477 --> 00:12:54,616
Sorry. Sage Dragomire.
411
00:12:54,682 --> 00:12:57,220
[eerie whispering]
412
00:12:57,287 --> 00:13:00,126
I can't believe she chose
dungeons and dipshits over me.
413
00:13:00,193 --> 00:13:02,665
And as your principal,
I am obligated to speak up
414
00:13:02,732 --> 00:13:04,502
about the latest trend
I'm seeing,
415
00:13:04,569 --> 00:13:06,138
worshipping the occult.
416
00:13:06,205 --> 00:13:07,975
You are not
"the daughters of the witches
417
00:13:08,042 --> 00:13:09,679
they could not burn,"
all right?
418
00:13:09,746 --> 00:13:11,148
You're 12.
- Whoo-ey. [chuckles]
419
00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:13,553
Wow, popularity
really is a trip.
420
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:14,956
[chuckles] So what's the plan?
421
00:13:15,023 --> 00:13:17,427
Do I pull Chrissy aside
and we do a heart-to-heart
422
00:13:17,494 --> 00:13:18,730
about how, popular or not,
423
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:20,066
true friends will--
- No, no.
424
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,137
Get up on stage
and read this speech I wrote.
425
00:13:22,203 --> 00:13:24,207
"Friends,
as the new popular kid,
426
00:13:24,274 --> 00:13:25,878
"I must warn you
about the scourge
427
00:13:25,944 --> 00:13:27,347
"that is Chrissy Feinberg.
428
00:13:27,414 --> 00:13:28,950
"Her impression
of Charles Barkley
429
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,688
is the most racist thing
I've ever seen"?
430
00:13:30,754 --> 00:13:31,890
Wait, wait, no.
431
00:13:31,956 --> 00:13:33,359
You want to cancel
your own daughter?
432
00:13:33,426 --> 00:13:34,194
It's for her own good.
433
00:13:34,261 --> 00:13:35,496
But what about being kind?
434
00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:37,167
That's how we got cool
in the first place.
435
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:40,106
I did opiates with Rasputin.
Don't lecture me about "cool."
436
00:13:40,173 --> 00:13:41,943
Now get up there
and read the damn speech.
437
00:13:42,010 --> 00:13:43,647
- She'll be a pariah.
- Good.
438
00:13:43,714 --> 00:13:46,418
All the more reason for her
to ditch the mortal bullshit
439
00:13:46,485 --> 00:13:49,224
and make chaos reign with me.
- Wow.
440
00:13:49,291 --> 00:13:51,763
You're so insecure that she
has other people in her life
441
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:54,134
you'd rather
she be totally alone.
442
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,305
Which means I make you insecure
443
00:13:56,372 --> 00:13:57,975
because I have
a real connection with her,
444
00:13:58,042 --> 00:13:59,612
and you don't.
- You little fuckin'...
445
00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:00,581
All right, all right. Look.
446
00:14:00,647 --> 00:14:01,883
I'm not gonna mince words here.
447
00:14:01,950 --> 00:14:03,219
Read the speech, or I'll murder
448
00:14:03,285 --> 00:14:04,421
your whole family.
- [whimpers]
449
00:14:04,488 --> 00:14:05,891
SATAN IN ARMADILLO:
Hey, everybody.
450
00:14:05,958 --> 00:14:08,162
The new cool kid Bennigan
should give a speech.
451
00:14:08,229 --> 00:14:10,066
[students cheering]
STUDENTS: Speech! Speech!
452
00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:12,337
Oh, Slimm Timm,
hear my plea.
453
00:14:12,404 --> 00:14:15,143
We call you forth
as witches three.
454
00:14:15,209 --> 00:14:17,213
With tainted blood,
we sacrifice,
455
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,752
to hear your call
as cold as ice.
456
00:14:19,819 --> 00:14:21,890
Please accept this mortal coil,
457
00:14:21,956 --> 00:14:24,127
bone to dust, and soul to soil.
458
00:14:24,194 --> 00:14:27,935
Deus mar varicht.
Deus mar varicht.
459
00:14:28,002 --> 00:14:30,173
Ugh!
God, these girls are amateurs.
460
00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:32,143
ARABELLA:
Deus mar varicht.
461
00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:33,980
[mystical whooshing]
462
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,619
LAURA: Oh, shit, it's working.
463
00:14:36,686 --> 00:14:39,826
[dramatic music]
464
00:14:39,892 --> 00:14:42,998
CHRISSY: [screaming]
465
00:14:43,065 --> 00:14:45,203
[whooshing]
466
00:14:45,269 --> 00:14:47,975
SLIMM TIMM: Yippee-ki-yi-yay...
467
00:14:48,042 --> 00:14:51,415
Here I come.
Here comes Slimm Timm.
468
00:14:51,482 --> 00:14:53,452
Tumm Timmy Tumm.
469
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,756
♪ ♪
470
00:14:54,822 --> 00:14:56,258
[eerie growling]
471
00:14:56,325 --> 00:14:59,364
[growls]
I can growl too, bitch.
472
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:01,569
♪ ♪
473
00:15:01,636 --> 00:15:02,805
[grunts]
474
00:15:02,872 --> 00:15:03,840
[blade slashes]
475
00:15:03,907 --> 00:15:05,611
SLIMM TIMM: [groans]
476
00:15:07,815 --> 00:15:09,752
[low humming]
477
00:15:09,819 --> 00:15:16,933
♪ ♪
478
00:15:27,287 --> 00:15:28,890
- Whoa! Hey.
- [gasps]
479
00:15:28,957 --> 00:15:30,059
Hey, guys.
480
00:15:30,126 --> 00:15:31,996
Crazy seeing you all
round here.
481
00:15:32,063 --> 00:15:33,767
Got lost
looking for the bathroom.
482
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:35,002
Whazzup?
483
00:15:35,069 --> 00:15:37,040
What the--
where is he, Chrissy?
484
00:15:37,107 --> 00:15:38,342
It didn't work.
485
00:15:38,409 --> 00:15:40,346
We rehearsed
your fake sacrifice all week.
486
00:15:40,413 --> 00:15:41,683
Fake?
ARABELLA: You said
487
00:15:41,749 --> 00:15:43,486
your Wiccan tools could help us
summon Slimm Timm
488
00:15:43,553 --> 00:15:45,156
so we could finally
hold him accountable
489
00:15:45,223 --> 00:15:47,026
for all those young girls
he preyed on.
490
00:15:47,093 --> 00:15:48,429
I know, I'm sorry.
491
00:15:48,496 --> 00:15:49,999
I-I used my powers
to make me look half-dead.
492
00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:51,401
It should have lured him to me.
493
00:15:51,468 --> 00:15:53,907
The only thing it lured
was that toxic new girl.
494
00:15:53,974 --> 00:15:55,109
What a waste.
495
00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:57,781
See you never, Chrissy.
496
00:15:57,848 --> 00:15:58,950
[sighing] Hey.
497
00:15:59,017 --> 00:16:00,554
So Arabella ditched you, huh?
498
00:16:00,621 --> 00:16:02,223
I guess she really sucks.
[chuckles]
499
00:16:02,290 --> 00:16:03,192
Sorry, who are you?
500
00:16:03,259 --> 00:16:04,896
Abigail, from earlier?
501
00:16:04,962 --> 00:16:06,633
I just wanna be alone
right now.
502
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:07,935
And I'm the one that sucks.
503
00:16:08,002 --> 00:16:08,970
I screwed up.
504
00:16:09,037 --> 00:16:10,039
That's not true.
505
00:16:10,106 --> 00:16:11,141
Plus, who cares
what they think?
506
00:16:11,208 --> 00:16:13,345
I thought I raised you--I...
507
00:16:13,412 --> 00:16:16,218
I thought you'd be cooler
than trying to impress bullies.
508
00:16:16,285 --> 00:16:17,555
Maybe this sounds stupid,
509
00:16:17,621 --> 00:16:19,491
but I moved around so much
growing up
510
00:16:19,559 --> 00:16:21,963
that I never had girlfriends
my own age.
511
00:16:22,030 --> 00:16:23,399
So I guess
when they noticed me,
512
00:16:23,465 --> 00:16:27,040
it felt like it might be my
only chance to have friends.
513
00:16:27,106 --> 00:16:28,710
See ya.
514
00:16:30,012 --> 00:16:31,014
[sighs]
515
00:16:31,081 --> 00:16:33,720
I really am a fuckin' hag.
516
00:16:35,022 --> 00:16:36,893
Store-bought cloves? Come on.
517
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,064
No one even bothers to forage
their own shit anymore.
518
00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:40,366
Bunch of posers.
519
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,769
It's like, are we trying
to be real witches
520
00:16:41,836 --> 00:16:42,838
or make a fucking pie?
521
00:16:42,905 --> 00:16:43,807
[eerie whooshing]
522
00:16:43,874 --> 00:16:44,942
Hmm?
523
00:16:45,009 --> 00:16:48,015
[eerie whispering]
524
00:16:48,082 --> 00:16:49,719
Oh, fuck.
525
00:16:49,785 --> 00:16:51,556
Where the hell did he go?
526
00:16:51,623 --> 00:16:53,392
Fuck. Fuck. Chrissy!
527
00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:58,168
Uh... what's up, guys?
528
00:16:58,235 --> 00:16:59,271
[cheers and applause]
STUDENT: We love you, Bennigan!
529
00:16:59,337 --> 00:17:02,443
Hmm. I...I just, uh...
wanted to say...
530
00:17:02,511 --> 00:17:03,547
STAN IN ARMADILLO:
Stay on the script, you--
531
00:17:03,613 --> 00:17:04,649
I...I...
532
00:17:04,715 --> 00:17:05,817
SATAN IN ARMADILLO:
Think about your mother.
533
00:17:05,884 --> 00:17:06,986
Think about your father.
534
00:17:07,053 --> 00:17:08,355
I'm gonna kill your family.
535
00:17:08,422 --> 00:17:09,825
I can't do it.
SATAN IN ARMADILLO: Ah!
536
00:17:09,892 --> 00:17:12,263
STUDENT: Can't do what?
BENNIGAN: I've had a crazy 48.
537
00:17:12,330 --> 00:17:14,702
I used to think
I was a pretty good person,
538
00:17:14,769 --> 00:17:17,473
that I used to be someone
who cared about his friends.
539
00:17:17,541 --> 00:17:19,512
I was ready to throw
that all away.
540
00:17:19,579 --> 00:17:21,148
Well, I'm done
being a pushover.
541
00:17:21,215 --> 00:17:23,052
I'm done lying.
542
00:17:23,118 --> 00:17:24,354
[crowd gasping]
543
00:17:24,421 --> 00:17:25,691
STUDENT 1: You just revealed
an armadillo.
544
00:17:25,757 --> 00:17:27,795
STUDENT 2: Yeah, that doesn't
mean anything to us.
545
00:17:27,861 --> 00:17:29,364
I'm done taking orders
from you.
546
00:17:29,431 --> 00:17:31,201
I'd rather Chrissy blow me off
until the end of time
547
00:17:31,268 --> 00:17:32,470
than say those mean things.
548
00:17:32,538 --> 00:17:34,241
Huh.
What are you gonna do, twerp?
549
00:17:34,307 --> 00:17:36,278
You're still the same
nerdy bitch, Bennigan.
550
00:17:36,345 --> 00:17:37,648
Oh, yeah? Well, you forgot
551
00:17:37,715 --> 00:17:39,585
the most important part
of being a nerd.
552
00:17:39,652 --> 00:17:40,554
What's that?
553
00:17:40,621 --> 00:17:43,325
Always carry
a writing utensil.
554
00:17:43,392 --> 00:17:44,327
SATAN IN ARMADILLO:
[grunts]
555
00:17:44,394 --> 00:17:45,797
[squelching]
[gurgling]
556
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:48,235
[crowd gasping]
STUDENT 3: Armadillo murderer!
557
00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:49,739
[crowd booing]
STUDENT 4: Not cool!
558
00:17:49,805 --> 00:17:50,741
Wait, no, no, no.
559
00:17:50,807 --> 00:17:52,343
I can explain.
560
00:17:52,410 --> 00:17:54,715
That Armadillo did
a Charles Barkley impression,
561
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,686
and it's the most racist thing
I've ever seen.
562
00:17:56,753 --> 00:17:58,188
STUDENT 5: Hell yeah!
STUDENT 6: Very cool!
563
00:17:58,255 --> 00:17:59,558
STUDENT 7: That's my Bennigan!
564
00:17:59,625 --> 00:18:00,961
CAMRY:
We should get Sasquatch next.
565
00:18:01,028 --> 00:18:02,798
I've never seen him wear pants.
566
00:18:02,865 --> 00:18:05,804
[unsettling music]
567
00:18:05,871 --> 00:18:07,173
♪ ♪
568
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,543
[electricity crackling]
569
00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:10,814
♪ ♪
570
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:13,152
[eerie breathing]
571
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:16,224
[sinister laughter]
572
00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:18,630
♪ ♪
573
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:20,266
[screams, laughs] OMG!
574
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,536
I totally just screamed.
575
00:18:21,603 --> 00:18:22,571
It's Slimm Timm.
576
00:18:22,638 --> 00:18:23,940
CAMRY: I thought
it was Pete Davidson.
577
00:18:24,007 --> 00:18:26,546
SLIMM TIMM: [roaring]
578
00:18:26,613 --> 00:18:27,413
Run!
579
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:28,449
Strong women don't avoid
580
00:18:28,516 --> 00:18:30,152
tough challenges, Skelli-Trash.
581
00:18:30,219 --> 00:18:31,355
Get in formation, girls.
582
00:18:31,421 --> 00:18:33,593
It's time
to hold him accountable.
583
00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:36,465
Whatever.
Hey, Slimm Timm, over here!
584
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,868
It's me you want.
- Slimm Timm?
585
00:18:37,935 --> 00:18:39,170
More like Dimm Timm.
586
00:18:39,237 --> 00:18:41,375
You're an ageless being
who exploits tweens.
587
00:18:41,441 --> 00:18:42,878
Literally grow up.
588
00:18:42,945 --> 00:18:44,347
ICAL: Piggybacking off that,
Slimm Timm,
589
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:46,084
have you ever heard
of toxic parasocial
590
00:18:46,151 --> 00:18:47,320
sexual power dynamics?
591
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:53,065
♪ ♪
592
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,702
[grunts]
593
00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:56,204
[winces]
594
00:18:56,271 --> 00:18:59,277
SLIMM TIMM: Now you die.
595
00:18:59,344 --> 00:19:01,214
[roaring]
ARABELLA: Enough talk.
596
00:19:01,281 --> 00:19:02,885
Time to take action.
597
00:19:02,951 --> 00:19:04,154
Can someone please help?
598
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,824
This is a contemplative
think piece
599
00:19:05,891 --> 00:19:06,993
for Vulture
600
00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:08,530
that not only enumerates
your crimes,
601
00:19:08,596 --> 00:19:11,234
but puts the media on trial
for their complicit--
602
00:19:11,301 --> 00:19:12,571
Whoa, nice hit.
603
00:19:12,638 --> 00:19:14,140
If we somehow survive this,
604
00:19:14,207 --> 00:19:15,577
I'm gonna be a social pariah.
605
00:19:15,644 --> 00:19:18,048
When I was your age,
I had the same fears.
606
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,217
But if you're true to yourself,
607
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,787
the right friends
will come along.
608
00:19:20,854 --> 00:19:22,223
Wait, aren't we both 13?
609
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:23,893
Uh, no. I'm 14.
610
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,833
I shall devour you all.
611
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:27,901
[roaring]
612
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:29,437
LAURA: Hey. No heavy petting.
613
00:19:29,505 --> 00:19:31,208
[grunts]
614
00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:34,715
Mortal tools cannot kill
Slimm Timm.
615
00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:36,652
Wait.
Y'all manifested him, right?
616
00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:38,857
It's like
that Stephen King miniseries.
617
00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:40,159
Just stop believing in him.
618
00:19:40,226 --> 00:19:41,161
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
619
00:19:41,228 --> 00:19:42,296
Ahh, I fucked up!
620
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:43,432
He's not Tinkerbell.
621
00:19:43,499 --> 00:19:44,735
The only way to destroy him...
622
00:19:44,802 --> 00:19:46,739
BOTH: Is with the tool
that summoned him.
623
00:19:46,806 --> 00:19:47,975
Was about to say that.
624
00:19:48,042 --> 00:19:49,110
Shit. Shit!
625
00:19:49,177 --> 00:19:50,413
What the phrase? What was it?
626
00:19:50,479 --> 00:19:52,985
Um, "revi", or, uh, "rembi--"
627
00:19:53,052 --> 00:19:56,793
- Reverterte.
- Reverterte unde venisti.
628
00:19:56,859 --> 00:19:59,632
SLIMM TIMM: [groaning]
629
00:20:02,336 --> 00:20:03,740
[grunts]
630
00:20:09,952 --> 00:20:11,421
That was fucking awesome.
631
00:20:11,488 --> 00:20:13,727
Accountability
does not equal violence.
632
00:20:13,793 --> 00:20:14,929
Not cool, Chrissy.
633
00:20:14,995 --> 00:20:17,200
In some ways,
you're worse than Slimm Timm.
634
00:20:17,266 --> 00:20:18,335
You're welcome.
635
00:20:18,402 --> 00:20:20,306
You, uh... you okay?
636
00:20:20,372 --> 00:20:21,509
I'm fine.
637
00:20:21,576 --> 00:20:23,145
Except I nearly got us both killed
638
00:20:23,212 --> 00:20:24,982
so I could have somewhere
to sit at lunch.
639
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:25,984
You think that's bad?
640
00:20:26,051 --> 00:20:27,521
At Matt Levy's bar mitzvah,
641
00:20:27,588 --> 00:20:29,324
I once drank my own pee
on a dare.
642
00:20:29,390 --> 00:20:31,027
[both laughing]
643
00:20:31,094 --> 00:20:33,633
Hey, um, have you ever been
to Jake's Pizza?
644
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,136
They have the best breadsticks.
645
00:20:35,202 --> 00:20:36,506
We should, uh, go sometime.
646
00:20:36,572 --> 00:20:37,975
Yeah, that would be...
647
00:20:38,041 --> 00:20:40,212
[watching beeping]
Oh, shit.
648
00:20:40,279 --> 00:20:41,682
- Where are you going?
- I forgot!
649
00:20:41,749 --> 00:20:43,285
I'm, uh, babysitting tonight.
650
00:20:43,352 --> 00:20:44,989
And every night!
I'm a teen mom!
651
00:20:45,055 --> 00:20:46,158
[laughs] Don't look for me.
652
00:20:46,224 --> 00:20:47,895
Bye.
653
00:20:47,961 --> 00:20:49,865
Damn, she's fast.
654
00:20:49,932 --> 00:20:52,905
[soft music]
655
00:20:52,971 --> 00:20:54,775
♪ ♪
656
00:20:54,842 --> 00:20:57,146
[baby fussing]
657
00:20:57,213 --> 00:21:00,386
Oh, wow, I feel like I've
been asleep for 6,000 years.
658
00:21:00,453 --> 00:21:02,323
I feel fucking great.
659
00:21:02,390 --> 00:21:06,031
♪ ♪
660
00:21:06,097 --> 00:21:08,603
Hey, Bennigan, way to hold
that racist accountable.
661
00:21:08,670 --> 00:21:11,174
Bennigan, yo.
Yeesh. You okay?
662
00:21:11,241 --> 00:21:13,378
Yeah. Long story. You?
663
00:21:13,445 --> 00:21:14,882
Yeah, same.
664
00:21:14,949 --> 00:21:18,590
Hey, so, uh, normally
I wouldn't say anything,
665
00:21:18,656 --> 00:21:20,861
but you blew me off
all last week,
666
00:21:20,927 --> 00:21:22,664
and that wasn't cool.
667
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:25,904
I'm sorry.
I just got so caught up
668
00:21:25,971 --> 00:21:28,208
in being popular and--
- No, I get it.
669
00:21:28,275 --> 00:21:29,578
You're trying so hard
to become popular
670
00:21:29,645 --> 00:21:30,714
that before you know it,
671
00:21:30,780 --> 00:21:31,883
you're slaughtering
an armadillo
672
00:21:31,949 --> 00:21:33,620
in front of a group
of your peers.
673
00:21:33,686 --> 00:21:35,289
Huh.
674
00:21:35,356 --> 00:21:36,626
I know we couldn't go earlier,
675
00:21:36,692 --> 00:21:39,397
so I managed to sneak
your favorite.
676
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,638
The Macho Man Candy Savage
flavor?
677
00:21:42,704 --> 00:21:44,542
Ooh, yeah.
678
00:21:48,650 --> 00:21:51,722
[crackling, whooshing]
679
00:21:53,025 --> 00:21:54,394
[speaking language]
680
00:21:54,460 --> 00:21:56,599
[groans]
Bennigan wrecked my shit.
681
00:21:57,901 --> 00:22:00,272
What, so Chrissy could
ice me out of Armageddon?
682
00:22:00,339 --> 00:22:01,408
Pass.
683
00:22:01,474 --> 00:22:03,078
That weirdo cares
more about her
684
00:22:03,145 --> 00:22:05,182
than I realized.
685
00:22:05,249 --> 00:22:07,821
That might be,
as the kids say...
686
00:22:07,888 --> 00:22:09,490
problematic.
687
00:22:15,002 --> 00:22:17,240
[footsteps approaching]
- [slurping softly]
688
00:22:17,306 --> 00:22:18,610
[clanking]
689
00:22:21,849 --> 00:22:24,087
Look, before you can say
anything, I'm sorry.
690
00:22:24,153 --> 00:22:26,592
You were right.
Those girls were just trouble.
691
00:22:26,659 --> 00:22:28,262
We could spend the weekend
692
00:22:28,328 --> 00:22:30,132
skinning that deer
like you wanted.
693
00:22:30,199 --> 00:22:32,303
Eh, you should be
with your friends, you know?
694
00:22:32,370 --> 00:22:33,540
Go see a movie with Bennigan
695
00:22:33,606 --> 00:22:35,610
or get breadsticks
from Jake's Pizza.
696
00:22:35,677 --> 00:22:37,681
Does this mean
I'm not grounded?
697
00:22:37,748 --> 00:22:39,518
Get out of here
before I change my mind.
698
00:22:39,585 --> 00:22:41,321
Oh, my gosh. Thanks, Mom.
699
00:22:41,388 --> 00:22:43,325
I'll be back later.
700
00:22:43,392 --> 00:22:44,795
ERWIN: [grunts]
701
00:22:44,862 --> 00:22:46,632
At least we still have
each o...
702
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:48,368
Whatever.
703
00:22:48,435 --> 00:22:49,872
"Hey, Erwin, how was your whole
704
00:22:49,939 --> 00:22:52,611
heartwarming comeback saga
with your rec softball league?"
705
00:22:52,678 --> 00:22:54,414
"Good, thanks for asking."
706
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:55,517
Dick.
707
00:22:55,584 --> 00:22:58,488
[upbeat rock music]
708
00:22:58,556 --> 00:23:05,670
♪ ♪
709
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:10,270
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