All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e26

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

OK.

There you are. - All right.

How do I look?

Like a symphony in black and white?

No. Like an unfinished symphony.

Your garter's hanging out.

I always hook those up last because they stop

the circulation to my ankles.

Hey, Rob.

This play's we're going to see, is it any good?

How can it be any good? Alan gave us the tickets.

No. It'll be fun.

It's an opening night. We'll see a lot of celebrities.

Uh, what celebrities?

Just the underlings will go.

Which way is up?

Oh.

Give me that. - No.

No.

Turn it with the pleats up to catch the popcorn.

[laughs]

Come on.

It's not that funny.

No.

I'm laughing at the script.

Oh, maybe you're reading some of my jokes.

No. No.

It's the stage directions.

Well, you're probably reading some

of my funny stage directions.

Rob, doesn't Alan get mad at things like this?

Like what?

Right here in the directions you

say Alan Brady, the obnoxious, offensive, egomaniac

makes his entrance and destroys our brilliant monologue.

- Oh, that. - Yeah.

That.

It's a terrible thing to say.

Wait till you see what I wrote on page seven.

Oh?

Any week that he gives us a hard time, like this week,

we write all those things and then we revert to childhood

and take out our hostilities.

You sure had a lot of hostilities.

After his monologue, Alan flogs his writers and kicks a dog.

That's mine.

Did you come to that part yet where I call him a dictatorial,

bald-headed fink?

That's not yours.

Bald-headed fink is mine.

He gave me the big word.

Oh.

Boy, you'd think Alan would get furious at this.

Oh, good thinking.

If Alan ever saw those things, he'd kill us.

Well, then he doesn't see them.

No. You see that's our copy.

The one we give to Alan we ink out the insults.

Except when we're in a hurry to get dressed for the theater.

What?

Rob, did you cross out Alan's copy?

- No, you did. - No, I didn't.

- Buddy? - No, no.

You did.

Well, stop saying I did.

I didn't.

Somebody had to.

But nobody did.

Oh, boy.

We're dead.

You mean then Alan has the other script?

By now he's got the script in one hand and a gun

in the other.

Uh-oh.

Here's another one.

Big-mouthed slob.

Ugh.

I don't remember that one.

I ad libbed that.

I'll be sure and mention that to Alan.

Better give me that page.

Let me ink it out.

Boy, I hope Rob is right about the script

still being up in Alan's office.

Maybe he left it out reading it.

Well, I got a feeling he hasn't read it yet.

BUDDY: Why?

Because we're still here talking about it.

If he read it, we'd be all beaten

and bruised in the alley.

You know, that's right.

If Alan had read it, I think you'd

have heard something by now.

Yeah.

Well, Mel said he'd leave it on Alan's desk

just in case Alan came back after his haircut.

Well, then Alan ought to be back.

With his head it only takes two seconds for a haircut.

Say, hey, was it in the office?

I don't know.

The door's locked.

Oh, boy.

We just got enough time to catch the U-boat to Argentina.

Why'd you two have to type the words in?

Isn't saying it enough?

No.

There's something about seeing it in print that's much better

than hearing it in spoken.

Maybe if you explained well--

Honey, how much explaining can you do

between "you're" and "fired"?

Well, Rob, you're going to have to do something.

Yeah.

How about let's get police protection, huh?

I got it.

I know how to get in Alan's office.

What are you going to do? Pick the lock with a telephone?

No.

I'm going to call Mac, the night watchman.

Oh, that's right.

He got a skeleton phone.

Mac?

Mac, Rob Petrie.

Uh. Yeah.

Yeah.

Working late again.

Yeah.

No, don't worry, Mac.

We'll-- we'll lock up.

Mac, as a matter of fact, that's why I wanted to talk to you.

Listen.

[clears throat] We left something very important

in Alan's office.

Yeah, our lives.

Yeah.

Mac, we have to have it tonight.

I was just saying to Buddy and Sally

here, if anybody can help us out, good old Mac can.

You won't help us?

No, I understand, Mac.

Thank you anyway.

Well, so much for good old Mac.

Well, it's not his fault. He's got strict orders

not to open Alan's office.

Well, we're out of business.

Oh, there's got to be some way of getting that script back.

What? Break in his office?

Yeah.

ROB: We can't do that.

Prisoners all over the world do it.

Hey, there's a transom over that door.

If it was open, we could crawl through it.

Rob, that's burglary.

Not technically, honey.

We're taking back something we gave Alan.

The worst they can call us is Indian givers.

Well, anything's better than being called unemployed.

Honey, it won't hurt if we just go up there

and take a look at the door. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Rob, let's go take a look at the door.

Oh, Rob, I don't like it.

What do you mean you don't like?

You didn't even see it.

It's a great door.

What about the play?

Laura, this is the play.

Three writers in search of their jobs.

Come on, guys.

Honey, we're just going to take a look.

Now, we'll be back in a few minutes.

No, no. I'm going too.

You know, there's no need to.

Yes, there is, Rob.

If you're going to do something illegal,

I'm going to be there to see you don't get into trouble.

Rob, it isn't right.

Honey, we're not doing anything wrong.

We work here.

We walk down this hall every day.

We've got every right in the world to be here.

Keep a look out.

Oh, Rob, you're not even sure it's in there.

It's got to be in there.

I don't want to think about it if it isn't in there.

Hey, aren't we supposed to synchronize

watches or something?

Transom's closed.

Oh, gee.

That's too bad. Well, let's go.

Come on. - No.

It doesn't mean it's locked.

I don't want to be here.

It's locked.

Hey, you know something.

If one of us were on the other side,

we could open it from that side.

It looks like it was just freshly painted.

It may just be stuck.

No.

That looks locked to me, Rob.

How can something look locked?

LAURA: Well--

ROB: If I just had something to stand on.

Wait a minute.

Maybe there's something in here.

Hey, how about an alpaca sweater.

Only if the alpaca's still in it.

Look at this janitor's stepstool.

And look at this.

An umbrella.

Yeah, that'd be my guess.

Give me the stepstool.

Boy, this reminds me.

I saw a movie once where these guys broke into a jewelry store

using an umbrella. - Hey, yeah.

I saw that.

That was a great picture.

What was the name of that? "Rififi."

That's right. - Yeah.

"Riffiffy."

- No, "Rififi." - "Riffiffy."

No.

Laura, what was it?

"Rififi" or "Riffiffy"?

"Topkapi."

No, no.

That was another good picture.

That was "Topkapi."

What difference does it make? What about the umbrella?

Oh yeah.

Well, these guys drilled a hole in the ceiling, see?

And then they got the umbrella under it to drop

the-- the plaster from--

and I don't think that has anything to do with this.

Right.

Well, that's what I thought.

Give me the umbrella.

What are you going to do?

Well, if this is just stuck, I may be able to loosen it

with the umbrella.

Rob.

That's not going--

[glass shatters]

It worked.

Don't panic.

You, uh, folks looking for something?

Oh.

Hi, Mac.

Mac.

Oh, I don't believe you've met my wife, Laura.

Mac, this is my wife, Laura.

Laura, this is my-- my night watchman, Mac.

He's the-- he's the night watchman.

Yeah.

Glad to know you, ma'am.

It certainly is an unexpected pleasure.

Yeah.

I guess you're-- you're wondering

what we're doing here.

Trying to break into Mr. Brady's office?

Well, like I told you on the phone,

we left something in there.

His umbrella.

Yeah.

It fell through the transom.

It looks more like it was pushed through.

Uh, Mac, I'm going to level with you.

Mac, you know, I told you that we had-- well,

there's something in there that's very important to us.

Yeah. What?

- Well, it's-- it's uh-- - His coat.

Envelope. LAURA: Tickets.

That's right.

Well, now, which one is it?

Well, all of them.

I had tickets in an envelope in my coat, and I forgot the coat.

See. We're going to a show tonight.

Alan gave us opening night tickets.

Yeah, well, he offered me those.

He did?

Yes, but I couldn't go.

See, I'm working tonight.

So I told him to give them to somebody else.

I'm glad you folks got them.

Well, thanks a lot. See.

We forgot to pick them up.

Oh.

Oh, well, then you-- you just want to get

into the secretary's office. - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Not into Mr Brady's private office.

No.

Well, why didn't you say that when you called?

I just thought of it.

I mean, no, I--

I should have. Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Well, I guess there's no harm letting

you in the secretary's office.

She's not a star.

[nervous laughter]

My, he does come up with them.

Doesn't he?

There.

There, you go.

Oh, we really appreciate this, Mac.

Listen.

We'll pay for the transom.

Would you mind locking up when you get through?

Oh, not at all, Mac.

Well, that's fine.

And look here.

And don't do any more mischief.

We won't, Mac.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

[glass clatters]

Oh.

Turn on the light.

Shut the door, Buddy.

Oh, quick thinking, oh, Prince of Thieves.

It's locked.

Well, do you expect there to be a big flash coming in here?

I just thought maybe Alan forgot to lock it.

No.

Alan never forgets.

Especially people who insult him.

Well, why would he lock the inside door?

Nobody can get in here.

Rob, we're here.

Oh yeah.

It's too bad there's not a transom.

We're pretty good at that.

Alan's secretary.

I bet there's a key in her desk somewhere.

It's locked.

Yeah.

I bet the key's in Allen's office.

Hey, look.

Alan didn't come back after his haircut.

He called and left a message for Mel.

Then the script is still locked in there.

Yeah.

And we're still locked out here.

But at least we know he hasn't seen it yet.

But we also know he'll see it in the morning.

We've got to get in there.

Oh, Rob, this doesn't seem right after he gave us

theater tickets and everything to just

break right into his office.

Honey, the only reason we got the theater

tickets was because the night watchman didn't want them.

Hello.

What's new, Rob?

What's this?

Well, I think it's a wall.

It's one of the things that's keeping us from Alan's office.

It's a door.

Oh, that's how he gets the girls in.

No.

This is the back of the television set.

That's how they service it. - Yeah.

It's also how they steal it. It's gone.

You better call the police.

Right.

Who do we tell them we are, friends of the thieves?

Remember he said he lost his vertical hold?

It's being fixed.

Oh, I thought he was talking about his wife.

Hey, I can see the whole office.

SALLY: Hey, Rob, do you see the script?

No.

But it's in there somewhere.

Hey, you know, I can crawl through there.

I can go right down there and out those

cabinets into the office.

I see dark down there.

Rob, how do you see dark?

Honey, I see dark, but I see lighter patches of dark.

There must be a whole passageway all through this wall.

I can crawl through there.

Wait, a minute, Robert.

What do you think you are, the Green Hornet?

Rob, I absolutely forbid you to crawl through there.

You can't holler at the Green Hornet.

I can at the Green Klutz.

He'll kill himself.

Well, I think it's worth it.

Yeah.

You know, he's got a whole wall of built-in gadgets,

the TV, the stereo, hi-fi bar, and everything.

Yeah. And the secretary.

Yeah. But she's not built-in.

She's just built.

Oh, shut up.

All I've got to do is take a left right there.

Go straight on past the tape recorder,

up over the bookcases, and out the bar.

Oh, Rob, this is getting crazy.

Oh, Laura, with an attitude like that the Count of Monte

Cristo would still be in jail.

LAURA: Rob, be careful.

It's so narrow in there.

ROB: Ow.

What?

ROB: I tore my shirt on a nail.

Don't worry about it.

I'll get you another shirt.

Will you get him another arm?

No.

My policy only covers shirts and clothing.

Oh.

[glass shatters]

I didn't know I had claustrophobia.

[clink]

(STRUGGLING) I think I can make it.

[glass shatters]

Oh, Rob, get out of there.

I don't know about you guys.

I'm getting out of here.

ROB: Just don't leave.

Don't leave.

[thud]

[music playing]

LAURA: Rob, do I hear music?

It's the apricot brandy.

All right.

I feel like a dirty Douglas Fairbanks.

LAURA: Rob.

What?

I found the key.

What?

Rob.

Sorry.

Oh.

Where-- where'd you find the key?

Well, I know how some people hide keys,

so I figured that Alan might be one of those people.

Anyway, I looked right above the door.

And there it was.

Well, we're going to fire you and make her the mastermind.

Well, I got one last master plan.

Let's switch those scripts and get out of here.

All right. Hey, look.

Take this one. Here's the script we fixed up.

We've got to find Alan's copy first.

It's not here.

It must be here somewhere.

And here is locked.

Rob, you can't break into a man's desk.

We just broke into a man's office.

- Somebody's coming. - Hide.

Hide. Hide.

Turn off the light.

Get the door.

Oh, the bottle.

He'll see the bottle.

[music playing]

It's just us.

- Rob! - Mel!

- Mel? - Laura!

- Mel. - Sally!

Mel.

Yuck.

What are you doing here?

Well, uh, we were working late, Mel.

And we-- Alan gave us tickets to a show.

And we--

We came back by because we heard a tune.

I wanted to make sure it was "How Dry I Am."

You were right, Rob. (HUMMING) Da, da, da, da, da.

Come on. Let's go.

Mel, wait a minute.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I--

I was having dinner, and I just happened to be walking by Al--

I caught you.

I get to ask the questions.

Look.

Just give your name, rank, and unemployment number.

MEL: I know why you're here.

It's the horrible things you wrote in that script.

How'd you find out about it now, Mel?

I just read it not a half an hour ago.

Well, then, it's all right.

Mel had the other copy.

Hey, I bet if we rush, we can still catch the first act.

No. We only made three copies.

One for us, one for Mel--

And one for the little boy who screams down the lane.

OK.

So now we know why we're here?

How come you're in Happy Hollow?

I came to get the script before Alan read it.

Mel, you were going to cover for us?

Mel, I take back every rotten thing I ever said about you.

Well, my motives were not completely humanitarian.

If Alan reads that, he could fire you,

but he'd hold me over for torture.

Well, I guess I take back everything I just took back.

Well, hey, we're all here for the same reason, right?

Survival.

So let's get out of here and get the--

Rob.

What we have to do is get this drawer.

Rob.

Rob. Rob.

Rob.

Oh, another job well done by your FBI.

Why did you break his desk?

How else do you get into a locked drawer?

Well, Rob, I was offering you the key.

Mel, why didn't you offer it a little louder?

Because he's stupid.

Never mind. I'm sorry.

Script's not here.

Well, it has to be.

It has to be.

He must have taken it home with him.

Then you mean we brought the transom

and the desk for nothing? - Yeah.

But if he took it home, he would have read it,

and we would have been fired by now.

So he couldn't have taken it home.

Then where can it be?

Alan took it home.

But the note said he wasn't going back to the office, Mel.

Maybe he had it delivered.

- That's it. - You think so?

I know so.

I delivered it.

Why didn't you tell us you delivered it, stupid?

His secretary gave me a package to give to him,

and I'll bet the script was in it.

Boy, even when you don't know what you're doing,

it comes out dumb.

OK. OK.

How come we haven't heard any screaming yet?

Because when I got to his house,

Alan was leaving to go to a party,

so he hasn't read it yet.

So it's all over.

There may be one chance.

Oh, yes, my husband can always break into Alan's house.

Exactly.

I won't let him.

Honey, I don't think that's for you to say.

Rob, somebody has to say it.

Well, right. Me.

Look, Mel. I'm not going to do it.

But now, look.

It's not a burglary.

After all, Alan's my brother-in-law.

My sister's married to him.

Well, now that we've mastered the theory of relativity.

Mel, since you are a relative, why don't you do it yourself?

All right.

I'll do it on one condition.

SALLY AND ROB: What?

You all go with me.

You can't be serious.

You ca-- to break into a man's house.

Well, that's dishonest.

It's illegal, and the maid's bound to catch us.

No, her room is upstairs.

Rob, I think you ought to do it.

Rob, that's real burglary.

It's my sister's house, and I'm welcome there any time

that Alan's not home.

Laura's right.

I mean, we work here, but breaking into Alan's

house, that's not right.

I'll take full responsibility.

All we have to do is go to Alan's house.

Look around.

Find the script.

What could be easier?

How do we get in?

Very simple.

You simply climb a simple vine up to a simple second story

window.

Simple vine.

Simple thorns.

I didn't know I had a fear of heights.

LAURA: Rob, we found the key.

What?

Oh, Rob, are you OK?

No.

I thought you said you didn't have a key.

It didn't.

It wasn't on the doorjamb.

No, it was under the mat.

All right.

New rules now.

From now on, when I risk my life to break into a house,

let me open the door if you have to swallow the key.

I don't want to see any more keys tonight.

Swallow them. - Let's get out here.

This place gives me the creeps. - Sure.

A creep lives here.

Rob, please, I really don't like this.

You shouldn't be here.

Where should I be?

In the car with the motor running?

There's nothing to worry about.

Alan and my sister won't be home till after midnight.

There's nothing here.

He always reads right here at this desk.

Oh no.

Do you have a key, Mel?

It may not be locked.

Oh.

(WHISPERING) Everybody just keep quiet and let me look.

I found the script.

The last one out of here is dumbbell.

Shh.

Rob, he's a very sound sleeper.

Maybe we can switch the script.

We're in luck.

He's only on page four.

The first rotten remark's on page six.

You think we ought to chance it?

We have to.

Give me the other script.

I'll try to make the switch.

Rob, you can't do it without waking him.

Hey, Rob. She's right.

Let's kill him.

He's liable to wake up.

There's no sense in us all getting caught.

Why don't you wait outside?

What's the difference?

If he wakes up and we're caught here, whether we're here

or we're not?

[moaning] Lillian?

Lillian, is that you, Lillian?

(FEMININE VOICE) Yes, Alan.

Give us-- give us a good night kiss, Lillian.

Kiss.

Kiss.

Kiss, Lillian.

Thank you, Lillian.

Aren't you going to say good night?

(FEMININE VOICE) Good night, Alan.

Good night, Rob.

You're awake.

Did somebody just kiss me, or am I dreaming?

It was a dream.

It was a dream, Alan.

Is that you, Laura?

Gosh.

We sure didn't expect to run into you, Alan.

Yeah.

The party was rotten.

So I came home early.

Oh, that's a shame.

ROB: You're probably wondering what we're doing here.

We just wanted to find out if you enjoyed the party, Alan.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It-- it was Rob's idea.

Was it also Rob's idea to switch the scripts?

Well, Alan, we felt a little bad about that first sketch.

We made some changes in it.

- You did, huh? - Yeah.

We put in a lot of new jokes and stuff.

Oh, boy, real funny stuff, Alan.

Well, that first script had pretty funny stuff in it.

Bald-headed fink.

That's pretty funny.

Alan, excuse me.

I'm going to be sick.

ALAN: No, you won't.

Come back here.

SALLY: You, uh, read the script, huh, Alan?

Well, I was going through it the second time

when I fell asleep.

Well, Alan, you know, all those we put in there,

we-- we didn't mean them.

Yes, you did.

Yeah, we did.

Alan, when they wrote those things

they were very tired and upset.

And anyway, you know they're very good writers.

All writers are rotten, but I like loyalty in a wife.

OK, Alan, let's have it.

Have what?

The yelling and screaming.

SALLY: And the firing.

Hey, chicky-poos, you think the shepherd

would do that to his flock?

Alan, you mean you read the script, and you're not mad.

Do I look mad?

No, you don't.

You look almost happy.

Yeah.

That's our shepherd.

Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

Well, I thought you'd be furious.

Oh, I am. I am.

ROB: Well, you don't look it.

Well, on two tranquilizers and a sleeping pill

this is as furious as you can get.

Oh, by morning I'll be my old self again.

Then will come the screaming and the yelling and the firing,

and all the rest of that fun.

Hey, you look nice, Laura.

You look nice too.

You stink.

Tomorrow morning, I'll kill you all.

Night.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

He's not going to kill anybody.

Somebody grab Mel.

I think he's flipping.

He's not going to fire anybody either.

I told you he needed hair.

His brain's catching cold.

Do you remember what he said when we thought he was asleep?

He said, kiss me, Lillian.

He said, kiss me, Lillian.

His wife's name is Margaret.

Mel, you wouldn't blackmail your own brother-in-law.

ROB: They are not in my pockets.

They are in the office.

LAURA: Why didn't you get Buddy and Sally's keys?

Because I didn't know mine were missing

till we got down to the car.

LAURA: Well, Rob, don't break the door down.

ROB: I have to.

LAURA: Maybe the night watchman will come back.

ROB: You want to sit here till 4 o'clock in the morning?

Get out of the way.

LAURA: Oh, Rob, please.

ROB: Honey, we need the keys.

[running footsteps]

[thud]

Ah!

LAURA: Rob, you're going to kill yourself.

ROB: I'll get it this time.

[running footsteps]

Hi, Mac.

Did you see my keys?

Put the door right there.

I'll have the boys take care of that when they fix the transom.

Now, what'd you ask me?

Did you see my keys?

Keys?

Oh, yes, I found a set of keys near the elevator.

They had a little round screwdriver on the chain.

Yeah. That's them.

Yeah. Well, I put them in my office.

Oh, good. I'll go get them.

Oh, just a minute.

I'll better go along.

It's got an iron door.

Oh.

Put that on my bill, will you?

Yes, now, let's see.

What else was there? There's the transom.

- Yeah. - The lock.

Well, there's a drawer in Alan's--

well, just look around.

There's a lot of stuff.

[theme music]