All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e22

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Yeah, yeah. Well, OK.

Yeah.

Well, look.

It depends on how late we have to work tonight.

Yeah. Well, I'll try.

Goodbye. - Hey, don't hang up.

[snapping]

It might have been for me.

No, it wasn't.

It, uh, was a wrong number.

Well, so what?

You don't have to know a guy to ask him if he's single.

Let's break open the lunch. I'm starving.

OK. Come on.

I'll dish out.

Come on.

OK.

Let's see.

The cottage cheese and cucumber, that's mine.

And Swiss cheese and turkey, that's yours.

And peanut butter and jelly on rye bread--

Rye bread?

Sorry, Rob.

Well, it's OK.

I'll just pick the seeds out.

Hey, there's no Russian dressing on my sandwich.

SALLY: Well, I told him to put it on.

Well, he must have put it on his apron.

It's not on here.

Let's see.

Maybe he put it in separately.

No.

Hey, maybe he put it in the coffee.

[sarcastic laughter]

What good's turkey and Swiss cheese

without Russian dressing?

Well, you'll soon find out.

Oh, very funny.

I noticed you managed to get your stuff all right.

What right?

I goofed on Rob, too, but he's not screaming.

Well, he's eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

What does he know?

Oh, boy.

This is just like eating a piece of flannel.

Well, as long as there's nothing going on with my mouth,

why don't we work on the last half of the sketch?

We're two hours late for lunch as it is.

Well, I can't eat this junk, anyway.

Come on. Hey.

I got an idea.

Alan walks into a barbershop.

He takes off his toupee, hands it to the barber.

He says, give me a haircut and a shampoo.

I'll be back in a half hour.

The thing is Alan doesn't like to remind

people that he's bald.

Well, come on.

It's a good joke.

Well, if you can't use it, it's not a good joke.

Sit there and eat and criticize.

Sure, you can do it. It's easy.

Let's see you come up with something.

Hey, Buddy, come on.

What's with you?

Well, yeah, all I said was I don't--

[phone ringing] - I'll get it.

No, no. Don't worry.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Well, uh, look, I can't talk right now.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

Uh, say, is-- is it all right if I don't stay and help

you guys finish the sketch?

That was, uh, my mother on the phone.

She wants me to come over.

Well, nothing serious, is it, Buddy?

No, no. You know how mothers are.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, look.

It's 2:30 now.

And by the time I get there with the traffic and everything,

I guess I might as well stay and have dinner with Mom.

Will that be all right? - Yeah.

Don't worry about it. We'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, OK. So long.

OK, bye. SALLY: So long.

So long, Sal.

What's with him lately?

I don't know.

But whatever it is, I wish they'd leave him alone.

Boy.

Imagine making such a fuss over some Russian dressing.

He's been acting awfully strange lately.

Yeah, he looks strange, too.

You remember the last time he had that look on his face?

No.

Because he's never had that look before.

Yes, he has.

The last time he had that look on his face

was when he walked out on his wife.

Oh, Rob, you don't think--

Yeah, I do.

He walked out of here with that same look.

When, Sal?

Boy, that's strange.

No.

No.

She lives in Brooklyn.

Oh, that's strange.

That's strange, too.

I don't know.

Well.

Yeah.

Thanks for calling, Sal.

Yeah, I'll talk to you in the morning.

Boy, that's strange.

You want to hear something?

Is it strange?

Yeah.

You know how I've been telling you that Buddy's been acting

odd the last couple of weeks?

You mean, he hasn't snapped out of it yet?

No, he hasn't.

He left early today, said he was going to be with his mother.

He was going to have dinner with her.

Well, what's strange about that?

Sally saw him on 96th Street in Manhattan.

His mother lives in Brooklyn.

Well, what did Buddy say to her?

Oh, he didn't see her.

Then maybe it wasn't Buddy.

No, it was Buddy all right.

Something is definitely wrong here.

He said he's going to go have dinner

with his mother in Brooklyn, and he ends up

slinking around on 96th Street.

Well, what was Sally doing on 96th Street?

What does anybody do on 96th Street?

They visit their psychiatrist.

Sally's going to a psychiatrist?

Well, only for dinner.

Her cousin, Eddie, is one.

Oh.

Why would he lie to us about his mother?

You mean, you think he's doing something

there on 96th Street he doesn't want you to know about?

Obviously, but what?

Hey.

What?

I think I just said it.

What did you say?

Psychiatrist.

The whole area there is loaded with them.

You think Buddy's going to a psychiatrist?

Could be.

But why would Buddy go to a psychiatrist?

Well, he would if he was having trouble with Pickles.

Is he?

More than usual?

Well, yeah, it could be.

That could be why he's leaving early.

But if-- why didn't he just tell us then?

Well, maybe he's embarrassed.

You know, an awful lot of people still

feel that way about psychiatry.

Yeah.

Yeah, that could be it.

Of course, you're only guessing.

We could be wrong.

I hope we're right because he has got some kind of a problem.

Well, in that case, he's a lot better off seeing

a psychiatrist than his mother.

Oh, yeah, all she can do is fix him chicken soup.

[laughter]

Listen, Rob, you don't, uh, really think he's going

to a psychiatrist, do you?

Oh, come up with a better theory.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I mean, he hasn't been his usual awful self lately.

I just wish we could do something for him.

All right. What can we do?

Well, it might help him if he could talk about it.

Well, you know, I got a feeling he's

dying to tell us something.

Well, why don't we act like we're dying to hear it?

Who has to act?

Yeah.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Hi.

- Anybody want a hot donut? - Yeah, me.

I do.

Boy, I knew I should have gotten more than one.

Oh.

Boy, you're pretty perky.

You must have got a good night's sleep, huh?

Yeah. I slept like a log.

I must have.

I woke up this morning, I was in the fireplace.

[laughter]

Hey.

ROB: That's good.

Why don't we work on the monologue?

Oh.

Why don't we just talk a while?

Well, what are we going to talk about?

Oh, I, uh-- anything you want, Buddy.

Well, let's talk about the monologue.

I got a great joke. Listen to this.

There's this two big recording stars, but big,

and they fall in love and decide to get married.

But I don't think it'll work out because he's 45,

and she's 33 and a third.

That's a great joke, Buddy.

[laughter]

Hey, Buddy, you ought to leave early more often.

I mean, getting away from us seems to do you good.

Hey, that reminds me.

Do you mind if I knock off early today?

ROB: Sure, sure.

You know, any-- is it your mother?

My mother? What about my mother?

Well, no.

You left, you know, early yesterday

to have dinner with her.

I thought maybe that's why you were leaving early today.

Yeah. You're right.

It's-- it's my mother, yeah.

Well, you know-- you know how mothers are.

Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, uh, how is she, Buddy?

Oh, she's-- she's fine.

Better than ever.

Uh, look, fellas.

Yeah, Buddy?

I'd like, uh--

Yeah, what, Buddy?

What?

I'd-- I'd-- uh, I'd like to use the phone.

I got to call my mother.

I'll be back in a couple of seconds.

- Use this phone. - No.

No, you guys are busy working.

- We're not busy. - Right.

And I don't want to hold you back.

He almost told us something.

- What do you think it was? - I don't know.

Whatever it was, I think he decided to tell

his psychiatrist instead.

C-R-O-W. That's nine points.

I don't know.

He came in this morning his old self, went out his new self.

I hope those visits to the doctor are helping.

Darling, the psychiatrist theory is still

just a guess on your part.

Boy, whatever it is, I hope it gets him straightened out.

Oh, my gosh.

What?

He left early again tonight.

So?

So, we're supposed to watch "The Dimwit Show" tonight.

We're doing a satire on it next week,

and he's never seen the show.

What time is it now?

Oh, about 8:00.

He's had-- he left at 4:00--

at least time to get home by now.

Pickles? Hi.

Rob.

Yeah, fine, thanks.

How are you?

Oh, good.

No, she's just fine.

Hey, listen, is Buddy there?

Oh.

I see. He's still out.

He can't still be at the psychiatrist.

Oh, what, Pickles?

No, no.

It wasn't anything important.

We were supposed to watch the, uh, "The Dimwits Show" tonight.

Well, listen.

I'm sure he can watch it just as well

at his mother's as he can--

oh. Oh.

Oh, no, no.

Really, if he says he's at the office,

then he's at the office.

Right.

Well, I can call him there.

Oh, did he say that?

No, no. He's right.

If he says the switchboard's closed after 6:00, it's closed.

That's all.

We can't call him, Pickles.

Don't go down there, no.

No. No.

Uh, Sally and I will watch it.

It's unimportant.

Right.

Nice, uh, talk-- talking to you, Pickles.

Bye.

Boy, oh, boy, did she sound disturbed.

Well, I think you helped disturb her.

You were talking crazy.

Isn't it funny?

She has no idea where Buddy is.

Oh, come on, Rob.

A man going to a psychiatrist, and his wife doesn't know?

I guess a wife would know if he was.

Well, sure.

If she doesn't know, maybe he's not.

Not what?

What do you think not what?

Not going to a psychiatrist.

Well, then what on Earth would a man do that he wouldn't

want his wife to know about?

Oh!

Now, who's this?

Well, would you like to leave a message, miss?

Well, who shall I say called?

Well, all right.

But don't call for about 15 minutes

because he's usually late.

That's all right.

You're welcome.

Sal, I've got to talk to you.

Well, in that case, I've got to listen.

What?

Who was the last person in the world

you would expect to be going out with another woman?

- You. - Uh, after me.

Oh, Rob, come on.

Ridiculous, right?

Buddy?

Are you serious?

Why, is it impossible?

Well, for one thing, Pickle's wouldn't let him.

That's not funny, Sally.

Oh, Rob, come on.

Buddy and another woman?

That's-- that's funny enough to put in the script.

I admit I haven't got much to go on.

A few amateur deductions and one phone

conversation with Pickles.

Rob, I think you got something else to go on.

What?

A phone conversation with the other woman.

I think I just had it.

Who was it?

Well, she didn't say.

And she didn't want to say.

And what she didn't say, she said with a pretty sexy voice.

Boy, I could believe it about almost anybody,

except Buddy Sorrell and another woman?

Who would believe it?

I don't believe it.

Buddy-- Buddy's a joker, not a lover.

Yeah, well, maybe they sit on a couch

and laugh at each other.

And you know what?

I even baked them some oatmeal cookies last night.

Here.

Have one.

Boy, it's hard to believe.

I could just kill him.

Why don't you give him one of these?

That bad, huh?

Mhm.

I got to get a new stove.

I sure wish I knew what to do about it.

Well, I guess there's nothing to do but just sit back

and watch a marriage explode.

Good morning, early-birds.

- Hi. - Hey.

I just saw a terrible accident. Really?

Yes. Tell us about it.

All right.

Here's what happened.

This beer truck ran right into an ice cream wagon.

All over the street, beer a la mode.

You know what's the matter with you guys?

You laugh faster than the speed of sound.

Here. Have a cookie.

They're homemade.

All right.

Mm.

Just like my wife makes, rotten.

That's not very funny.

There's nothing funny about my wife.

What do you say let's get down to work?

- Yeah. - All right.

Say, before we start, is it OK if I, uh, get

through a little earlier today?

What, again?

Well, yeah, it happens to be kind of important.

Why?

Or is it something personal?

Well, yeah, it-- it's personal.

You, uh, going to see your mother again?

No.

I saw my mother last night.

And the night before.

Yeah, well, you can't see your mother every night.

You got to stay home once in a while.

Oh, you going to stay home tonight?

Well, no, not exactly.

I-- I got this thing--

What?

What, Buddy?

Look.

Everybody is entitled to have their private life.

Oh, by the way, Buddy, this lady called earlier.

Probably my mother.

Well, uh, she didn't leave her name.

Oh, then it was definitely my mother.

- Your mother? - Yeah.

She knows I know her name.

Aw, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to get the shopping done.

Hold that for me, will you?

That's all right.

I didn't wait too long.

Hey, look.

I remembered to bring the wine.

Aw, Buddy, you're so sweet.

It's easy to be sweet to sweet people.

Come on in.

Make yourself comfortable.

Here, I'll put those away.

OK.

Buddy, come on now.

Stop worrying.

I don't like this sneaking around.

I'm just tired of the whole thing.

Oh, don't talk like that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy, but I'm too old for this.

After all, I'm a married man.

Well, you know that doesn't matter.

But you know, I've been thinking.

Maybe the best idea would be to tell everybody involved.

No, I think the best idea would

be to forget the whole thing.

I had to go to Florida this summer and bump into you.

Oh, don't say that.

Well, if I hadn't seen you, why, this whole thing

wouldn't have started.

Oh, Buddy, you can't just walk out now.

This was meant to be.

I can't believe our bumping into each other

was just an accident.

Well, maybe you're right.

What time will your husband be home?

5 o'clock.

I called and left a message at the office.

Didn't you get it?

No, the only message I got is that some woman called

and didn't leave a message.

Oh, well, when I found out he was going to be late,

I called back.

I hope I didn't make it embarrassing for you.

That depends on who got the message.

"Please tell Mr. Sorrell that Dorothy called.

She wanted him to know that her husband

is coming home at 5:00."

How do you like that?

The other woman has another man.

[whistling]

Wow.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a foreign movie.

I knew something was going on.

You noticed it, too, huh?

Well, the whole office did, even Alan said,

what's with Buddy?

[clicking]

Oh.

I find this most distressing.

Well, I don't know what we can do about it.

It's his own private business.

Well, it's not going through our switchboard.

This is a family show.

I have a good mind to not give him this message

and-- and let Dorothy's husband walk in and catch him.

Boy, no wonder Buddy calls you Mr Nice Guy.

Well, you certainly don't condone this sort of thing,

do you?

Of course not, Mel.

Somebody's going to have to sit down with Buddy

and talk some sense into him.

Well, it won't be me.

I can't talk to him at all.

Shocking.

Absolutely shocking.

Well, Rob?

I guess you're elected.

You're the one that's going to have to straighten Buddy out.

Oh, no, not me.

Well, you don't expect me?

You know, somebody else is going to straighten him out

before we get to him. - Who?

Dorothy's husband.

It's almost 5 o'clock now.

[rustling from another room]

What are you doing here?

DOROTHY: Leon.

What is he doing here?

I'm supposed to be here.

It's 5 o'clock.

5 o'clock?

Oh, my watch must have stopped.

I'm terribly sorry, Buddy. Come.

Let's get to work.

All right.

Anything you say, rabbi.

Hello, darling.

I'll leave you two gentlemen alone.

Thank you, darling.

Gee, I hope I'll be able to learn

all that stuff by Saturday.

You better, Bud.

There are no cue cards in the synagogue.

I know.

[speaking hebrew]

No, no.

Listen to the way I say it, Buddy.

[speaking hebrew]

Fine. Fine.

Much better.

By George, I think I've got it.

Give bar mitzvah lessons to a comedy writer.

Sorry, rabbi.

I just couldn't resist.

No, don't apologize, Buddy.

There's nothing wrong with a little humor,

even in confirmation lessons.

[door opening]

How did the lesson go today?

Buddy is doing just fine, darling.

Good.

The only trouble is he started 30 years too late.

Well, it isn't my fault. It took me that long

to save up for a blue suit.

[doorbell ringing]

Would you get that?

I'll get it.

[clearing throat]

Oh, hi, David.

You're right on time.

Rabbi will be ready for you in a minute.

LEON: Hello, David.

Come here, David.

I want you to meet Buddy Sorrell.

Buddy, this is David Feldman.

Hello, Mr. Sorrell.

Hi, David.

Buddy is going to be bar mitzvahed with you, David.

Don't look at me like that, kid.

I just happen to be big for my age.

Well, I'll see you on Saturday, rabbi.

All right, Buddy.

Gee, I sure hope I can learn all this by then.

LEON: Don't worry.

Oh, by the way, David, you want

to get in good with the rabbi?

Sure.

Next time you come, forget the pigskin.

[door closing]

Rabbi?

Yes, David?

That man who was just here, Mr. Sorrell?

Is he really being confirmed?

Yes, he is.

An old man like that?

Now, David, Mr. Sorrell is not an old man.

Actually, he's only a little younger than I am.

But I thought everybody got bar

mitzvahed when they were 13.

Well, that's true, David.

But you see, Mr. Sorrell is an unusual case.

When he was 13, his family was very poor.

And he had to go out to work and help support them.

Now, as a special present for his mother,

he's finally going to be bar mitzvahed.

Gee, rabbi, can I wait till I'm his age?

At the rate you are learning, David, you are lucky if you'll

know it by then.

Now, let's get to work.

All right.

Then we'll use that joke for the--

Hi.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

It's nearly 6 o'clock.

Oh, I thought we might be working late tonight.

No, not this little girl.

I have a heavy date tonight.

Huh?

My girlfriend just moved into a new apartment,

and I'm going to help her move.

Oh, gee, Buddy.

Uh, Laura's expecting me home for dinner.

I-- I-- I don't have to go right now.

Yeah, I'll, uh, see you boys in the morning, right?

Good night, Buddy.

Good night, Sal.

Good luck, Rob.

What is that bit? Good night, Buddy.

Good luck, Rob?

It just kind of turns out that way sometimes.

Look, Rob, you don't have to hang around on my account.

I just felt kind of guilty because I've been

leaving so early every day.

Oh, Buddy, the work doesn't bother me.

It-- it's something else.

Oh?

Something personal?

Well, yeah.

You could say it's personal.

Want to talk about it?

Yeah.

I'd like to talk about it.

Well, go ahead.

We're friends.

Well, Buddy, I'd like to tell you a story.

BUDDY: Go ahead.

It's, uh-- there's this friend of mine.

He's a-- you know, a happily married guy.

He's got a good job.

Well, he-- he, uh-- he met this girl.

You know?

Well, there's a lot of that going around.

Before long, he kind of got infatuated.

And, uh, they started having secret rendezvous,

got involved, you know, and found himself

lying to his wife, you know, making

up more lies to his friends.

And it turned into a kind of an ugly mess.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I thought you would.

And, look, you know, this guy-- no matter how careful he was,

couldn't hide something like that from his wife

for very long.

Boy, leave it to wives.

They've just got a way of getting to the truth.

Right.

Hey, this friend of yours is somebody we know, right?

Yeah, very, very well.

Jerry Helper.

What?

It's not Jerry Harper?

Well, wait a minute.

Is this friend of yours you?

The friend of mine is you, Buddy.

Me?

Yeah, you and that Dorothy.

Well, what-- what are you--

Just forget her.

She's no good for you, Buddy.

- Don't tell me. - You're married.

Well, don't tell me that you--

And, also, Dorothy's another man's wife.

Yeah, my rabbi's.

You're running around with your rabbi's wife?

No, I'm running around with my rabbi.

Where did you get such a crazy idea?

I've got to set you straight.

I'm not running around with anybody.

Well, what are you doing?

I'm taking bar mitzvah lessons.

Oh, Buddy, it's bad enough.

Don't be blasphemous.

I couldn't be that.

I don't even know what it means.

Look.

When I was a kid, I missed out on my confirmation.

My mother never forgave herself.

That's all.

And she wanted-- well, I'm going through the whole thing

for her, the whole schmear.

Well, you mean the phone-- the phone calls,

the messages, the meetings--

Strictly kosher, the whole thing,

from every-- every angle.

Why, even Dorothy here.

I've known her since she's been a little kid.

She used to go around with my brother.

And then they split up, and she met this other fella.

And they got married, and he turned out to be a rabbi.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

What a friend I've turned out to be.

Oh.

Boy, Rob, you don't think that--

Oh, Buddy, please.

I feel so bad already for thinking of what

I was going to accuse you of.

Just forgive me, will you?

Well, how could you know that I

was taking bar mitzvah lessons?

Why did you keep it such a big secret, Buddy?

Well, it was kind of a nice thing to do,

and I didn't want to ruin my reputation as a rat.

[laughter]

Besides, I thought you guys would kid the pants off of me.

Well, yeah, probably.

Why didn't you tell Pickles?

If she knew I was doing something nice for my mother,

she'd want me to do something nice for her.

When-- when's the ceremony?

Saturday.

And you better be there.

You bet.

Well, I guess I should say, shalom, huh?

No, no, no.

You should say mazel tov.

What does that mean?

Mazel tov means congratulations.

What did I say?

Goodbye.

Oh.

Well, they both fit.

Shalom and mazel tov.

Let's get out of here.

[laughter]

[singing in hebrew]

And now, members of the congregation,

before we conclude this bar mitzvah ceremony,

we will hear again from the individual

of whom we are all especially proud

today, Moshe Selig Sorrell.

Rabbi, cantor, beloved family, mother,

dear wife, very, very good friends,

a funny thing happened to me on my way to my bar mitzvah.

It took me 30 years to get here.

I want you all to know how grateful I am to all of you

for the love and devotion that you have shown me.

And I want to thank the Lord for having bestowed

these blessings upon me.

And I ask for His assistance and guidance

to make me worthy of them.

Well, Mama, you waited a long time to hear this.

Today, I am a man.

LEON: Now, let us pray.

Mazel tov.

Thank you, rabbi.

Buddy, you're the best bar mitzvah boy I ever saw.

Well, I've been practicing for 30 years.

I must admit even I was a bit touched.

You were crying, Mel.

So were you.

Well, I'm allowed.

You know, rabbi, this service is

the first time I've ever heard Buddy talk for 10 minutes

without ad libbing.

Well, why change the script?

Those writings have held up pretty well over 5,000 years.

Boy, I hope they made a good deal on the royalties.

[laughter]

[music playing]