All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e12

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

LAURA: Hi.

Honey, what's all this?

Aren't they marvelous?

ROB: Yeah, they're great.

Where'd you get them?

At the butcher shop.

It figures.

You know, with these shopping centers today.

Buddy just got a new cello at the drugstore.

No.

I stopped by Frank's to pick up a roast.

His son Charlie did them.

What, little Charlie?

Yeah, Well, he's not so little anymore.

He's 17, and big.

Oh, that's right.

I never see him standing up.

He's always sitting down flicking chickens.

Yeah.

Well, he stoppee flicking long enough to paint these.

Pretty good.

Aren't they though?

Isn't that rhino on the roller skates just great?

Yeah, it's cute.

This elephant blowing the bubbles is pretty good too.

Kid's got imagination, you know it?

Mhm

How long's he been studying?

Never had a lesson.

You're kidding?

Nope.

Well, he's a born artist.

You're going to buy some of them?

Well, maybe, but you know what I was thinking?

Wouldn't they be perfect for a children's book?

Well, they're as good as the ones in Ritchie's.

Right.

What's the name of that friend of yours in the kiddy book

publishing business?

Ollie Wheelright, giggle books.

Right, right.

Well, I was thinking, Rob--

Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

I know, you want me to call Ollie about the pictures.

Oh, yes. Yes, I do.

I will.

As a matter of fact, I'll drop them off

at his office in the morning.

Hey, listen, have you got a picture of a steak?

I'm starved to death.

Listen, wouldn't it be a good idea if there was

a little story to go with it?

Oh, just some fried potatoes and a salad would be good.

The story might help to sell the pictures.

Well, I guess so. Why?

Is Charlie an author too?

No, no, but I found an author.

Where?

The bakery?

No.

Well, who is it?

Samantha Q. Wiggins

Never heard of her.

Well, that's her pen name.

What's he real name?

Laura Petrie.

Her, I've heard of.

A kiddie story? You want to write it?

Yeah.

Yeah, what do you think?

Well Honey, I don't--

I don't know.

Why not?

Well, I know for one thing I'm busy

and I don't feel like writing.

No Rob, I said I'd write it.

But you meant we'd write it, which means I'd write it.

No, I meant I'd write it.

What's the matter?

Don't you think I could?

Honey, every time you start to write

something, who finishes it?

Well, that's because you're a writer.

I'm not. - Exactly.

Yeah, but you see, this is different.

You don't know anything about writing children's books.

Well, neither do you.

So we're even.

I certainly wouldn't ask somebody is just as dumb

as I am to help me write it.

I'm not as dumb as you are.

Oh.

Well Honey, I mean, I'm a professional writer.

And writing kids stories isn't that much different anyway.

Wait a second.

You're letting me offer to help you.

Aren't you?

Well if you do, I'll talk you right out of it.

I don't want your help, even more now than before.

OK Ms. Wiggins, you go right ahead.

Rob?

Do you have a minute?

What is it Honey?

Well, it's about my story.

I was wondering if you had the time.

You did-- you did very good.

What do you mean?

Well you've been working on it for two hours by yourself.

Before you even asked for any help.

I mean, it's good that you're really

trying to write it yourself.

What do you need?

Well I don't need anything.

It's finished. - What is?

The story.

In two hours?

Yeah well, Rob, I don't know what it is.

I just went in there and sat down, and you know,

nervous, really nervous, but then suddenly everything

just seemed to fall into place.

And the whole thing just-- it flowed.

It must have gushed.

Ollie Wheelright took a year.

You take two hours.

Also, Richard Rodgers wrote Ballet High on a tablecloth

during dinner.

He did?

Well, somebody wrote something terrific that way.

Anyway, I just--

I just wrote all I have to write.

Now you got to remember, I'm not a professional.

Yeah, I'll try to remember.

It probably needs a lot of polishing.

Well, Honey, Hamlet needed some touching up.

Yeah, well, it's--

and the grammar's probably not right.

You know.

Honey, you what you want me to read that, or shall I

wait for the movie to come out?

[laughter]

What? What?

Which part?

Oh, you spelled rhinoceros here R-Y-E-noceros.

Ryenoceros like a whole wheat noceros.

Better watch that spelling.

Yeah.

I think maybe I'll make some coffee.

Laura?

Yeah?

You finished?

Uh-huh.

Well?

Honey, it's a little hard to be objective about something

your own wife wrote.

Then don't be objective.

Be nice and say it's very good.

It's very good.

OK.

Now tell me what you really felt.

It's very good.

You mean it?

Yeah.

There a couple of little rough spots in here.

You mean it?

Well, there may be more than a couple, but--

No, I'm still on it's very good.

You mean that?

Well sure, Honey. It's very good.

Just a couple of little rough spots.

That's all. - Which part?

About the giraffe and the kangaroo?

No, no.

The elephant and the lion here.

Huh.

Gee, I thought that was good.

But it probably does need something.

Tell you one thing.

You avoided the obvious cliche of making

the fox the antagonist. - Oh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, making the fox the protagonist was kind of daring.

I did good?

Yeah, very good.

There's just a few spots here that

need a little smoothing out.

Oh, good.

How do I do that?

Well, it's hard, Honey.

You have to know construction.

You know. - Right, right.

How do I do that?

And well the question is motivation.

Even in a kiddie story, all your characters have

to have some proper motivation.

Oh, absolutely.

How do I do that?

Oh, Honey, that's the key to all writing.

You know.

I mean, I could probably sit down

and do it myself a lot faster than I could explain it to you.

You know.

You don't think that I could do it?

Well, that's not it.

I think we're at the point, right

now, with this, where a professional touch is

what is needed. You know?

I mean, if you really want a chance

to sell Charlie's pictures.

Oh.

Well, right.

Well, Honey, would you like me to do it?

You?

Yeah, I mean, you know, it doesn't need that much.

A little smoothing out, that's all.

Well great.

Oh boy, Rob, this is so exciting.

I got to call Charlie and tell him.

A little premature there.

Don't get his hopes up. - Well why not?

Mine are.

- Hi Rob. - Hi.

Oh, hi.

There he is.

The grimmer half of the Brothers Grimm.

Hey, how's the king of the kiddie books?

Not so good.

What are you doing back so early?

We went to the delicatessen. Thought you'd like something.

What'd you get me?

Oh, something to kind of put you in the mood.

Milk and animal matzos.

Rob, want me to help you?

No thanks.

Boy, this is so hard.

Did you ever try to write for an animal?

Yeah, Alan Brady.

There's a way to make this thing very interesting.

Yeah, throw it in the garbage can.

Boy, such sensitivity.

Well so what, we've got to get our own work done.

Yeah, he's right.

I'm sorry, I promised Laura I'd help fix this thing.

Golly, it needs something.

Yeah, a bonfire.

Oh, come on, Buddy.

Maybe it needs some kind of a gimmick.

ROB: Like what?

Furry pages.

Furry pages?

Yeah, it's very practical.

It's cold out Cynthia, go put on your book.

No, it doesn't need a gimmick.

It's in the writing is what it is.

How about making it the centerfold

in one of those magazines like they got in the barbershop.

You mean a giraffe in black mesh stockings?

What's the matter with that?

It could be a whole series.

Animal of the month.

Hey Charlie, did you see the zebra this month?

No stripes.

Come on you guys.

You know what's the matter with this thing?

Danny can't learn a lesson if he's

an elephant blowing bubbles.

Well you took the words right out of my mouth.

That's it.

The whole thing's making sense now.

To who?

To me.

Danny, if he's going to learn a lesson,

has to learn it the hard way.

Yeah.

Excuse me you guys.

I got to get this down while I'm thinking.

Rob, what about the sketch?

Oh, well yeah.

We'll do it tomorrow.

We have staff meetings tomorrow.

Oh.

How about tomorrow night at my house?

Yeah, what's for dinner?

I don't know.

What am I asking for?

Whatever it is, it's got to be better than my house.

Sal?

Well, unless I have a date.

I'll be there.

Of course, you know, it's--

needs a lot of polish yet.

I did it--

I did it pretty fast.

You know.

Maybe just remember it's not perfect.

Wow, Rob.

You really changed my whole story, didn't you?

No, not really.

Well, yeah. Really.

It's not at all like the one I wrote.

Be yourself is still the theme.

Only in the way I have it there, Danny really learns a lesson.

It's much stronger.

In other words, in the end, he really

knows it's better to be a little boy

than it is to be an elephant.

Well I think everybody knows that.

My gorilla who couldn't roller skate was so cute.

Honey, that's kids stuff.

Well, it's supposed to be.

You don't have to write down to kids, Honey.

It's about time somebody wrote up to them.

Yeah, except you wrote around them.

Missed them completely, and I don't think you utilized any

of the charm of the drawings.

Are you kidding?

Honey, now those drawings are much more important than ever.

They become a contrast or a counterpoint.

Like when the bubbles float away and the way

the hunters follow the bubbles.

Yeah, but they took the elephant's tusks away.

That's simply part of lesson, Honey.

Sometimes life can be painful.

And you made my lion a killer?

There again, reality.

Honey, life can be hard.

Not that hard.

All right, what are we having for dinner?

- Well, chicken. - That's right.

Who killed the chicken?

Charlie's father.

The kid's an artist and his father's a killer.

Rob, why did you do this to my story?

Honey, because you asked me to.

I did not, you volunteered.

You were just going to smooth it out.

But boy, you really smoothed it to death.

Well, Honey, look.

Believe me.

This is better.

And remember, we want to help Charlie sell those pictures.

OK, what about your vocabulary?

What about my vocabulary?

Look at this word.

Morose?

Kids aren't going to know what means.

Are you kidding?

Kids will know what that means.

No, Darling.

It's much too big a word.

Any kid--

I'll bet you Ritchie knows what that means.

Oh, he doesn't.

Hey, Ritchie, come in here a minute.

Will you?

RITCHIE: Quick!

I got you!

CHILD: You did not!

He did to!

Ritchie, hand me this.

What does morose mean?

Huh?

It's a word you hear every day.

Have you ever heard of the word morose?

Yeah, lots of times.

What does it mean Ritch?

Some kind of flower.

See you later.

All right, all right, I'll make morose sad.

Well Rob, I just don't know what to say.

Well, don't say anything.

You don't like that one?

Just write one yourself.

I already did.

By the way, where is my story?

Well, with the cutting honey, and the pasting, well,

I had to throw it out.

Well, thanks a lot.

Thanks a heck of a lot.

Where are you going?

I'm going to rewrite the original story

that I already wrote.

Well I am not doing anymore rewriting.

Oh, oh, oh you bet you're not.

Hey, how's this?

Alan's a spy and he's in the penthouse.

And the new maid is coming.

Only she's not a maid, she's a secret agent for Dr. Dirt.

Hey, that's good.

And Alan pretends reading a newspaper,

but all the time he's very suspicious.

Why?

Well she's vacuuming the rug with a sawed off shotgun.

How's it going?

Just great.

Hey, best sketch we ever wrote.

Not so good, huh?

Rotten.

Hey Laura, why don't you sit in.

We could use some new ideas.

No, no.

Rob doesn't think I'm a very good writer.

I didn't say that.

Oh?

Well then what is the word stinks mean?

Uh-oh.

There he is.

The ever popular Mr. Blunt.

Honey, I never said it stinks.

Well, that's what you meant.

Honey--

Look, Rob.

You got to sketch to finish.

Buddy and Sally would like to work.

Forget the work.

I'd rather watch you fight.

Shut up.

Buddy, there's no fight.

Rob just thinks his story is the best, and I think mine is.

That's all.

That's all it takes to start a good fight.

Sal, it's not a fight.

It's a little difference of opinion.

Right.

And I know how to solve it too.

We ask Buddy and Sally for their opinion.

Whoops, I think I hear my mother calling.

Yeah, she wants me to drive you home.

Wait a minute, nothing personal here.

We just would like to get an objective opinion

to settle this thing.

All right, I like both stories.

Yeah, me too. It's a hung jury.

Next case.

Oh. Five minutes.

That's all it will take.

I'm going to read you both stories.

You won't know which one is which.

Whose is who. Now sit down.

All right, all right, all right.

But before we start, I want you to remember one thing.

We love both of you.

Right, except Laura looks better in a bikini.

Rob, what are we going to prove by this?

We're going to decide which one of the scripts

to submit to sell Charlie's pictures.

That's what started the whole thing, isn't it?

Where are they?

I'll get them.

I don't like taking sides.

What are we going to do?

Why don't we just be wishy-washy?

OK, now here's a script.

You're not going to know which one is which.

OK.

This is Story A, called Seven Dreams for Danny.

It was a bright sunny day, the sky was blue,

the breeze was warm, and the grass

was the greenest green ever.

It was going to be a happy day for Danny.

Sure, he didn't have to listen to this.

And Danny knew then he didn't want to be a lion, a giraffe,

or an elephant anymore.

He wanted to be himself, and Danny became

Danny forever and forever.

Oh, that's very good.

That's very good.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hold your comments now till you've heard both stories.

Better be quiet.

They'll throw you out of school.

All right, now this is Story B.

What a wonderful title.

Danny sat in his room.

The wind howled outside.

[whistling] The black clouds rolled.

There was thunder.

Boom!

And the lightning cracked.

[crackling]

Gee, I wonder whose story this is.

Then it began--

began to rain.

Ksh!

I hope the kid got an umbrella.

Darling do you plan to record a sound effects

track to sell your book?

Come on Honey.

Now I read yours straight through.

Yeah, you sure did.

Straight through.

Listen.

Danny closed the window.

[whistle]

Shtunk?

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming up the stairs.

[clicking]

His mother sounds like a clock.

Yeah, but I think he's cuckoo.

Danny knew what his mother was thinking.

Oh, I can't wait to hear this sound.

His mother was very angry.

She had told Danny to stay in his room.

Danny was morose.

Morose?

What does morose mean?

Smiled as he looked out the window

and saw the last few raindrops softly striking the windowpane.

What do you think?

Well, I don't know about the story, Rob.

But I can think you can get a guest shot

on the Sullivan Show.

I must say, this has been a dandy evening.

Waiter, my check please.

Come on now, which one did you like best?

No, no.

You mean which one is going to sell the pictures best.

Well, that too, Honey.

But let's face it, though.

There's something more at stake here.

Now which-- what do you think?

Which one?

Well it's so hard to tell.

Would you mind reading both of them again?

Rob, look.

Both of them were very, very good.

Sally, A or B?

Well, if I have to make a choice.

A.

Well, sure.

You're entitled to your opinion.

OK.

Buddy, what about you?

I'm entitled to her opinion too.

A.

All right then.

That's the first ballot.

Oh, come on, Rob.

They made a choice.

Well not a very good one.

What was the matter with my story?

Well, nothing.

Out of all of them you read to us, we picked yours number two.

Oh, I [inaudible] made up your own minds.

It's all over.

They like yours best, so yours is the one

that we'll take to Ollie. That's all.

- Rob. - Huh?

That's my story.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hold it.

I got something to say. - You want to change your vote.

No.

I just think that we're not qualified to judge.

Now why don't you take both stories to Ollie

and let him pick the one he wants to do?

Oh course.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

He's going to buy the pictures.

He should be the one to choose the best story, huh?

Right, take them both to Ollie.

Let him pick Laura's.

Some office.

Doesn't really look like the office of a man who

publishes kiddie books though.

What do you want to see?

Tiny furniture?

Rob, are you still upset?

No.

I have no reason to be.

We'll just let Ollie decide which story is best.

Right.

No matter what happens, you're still

the best writer in the family, and you always will be.

Thank you very much Ms. Wiggins.

Coming from you, that's quite a comment.

You are upset.

No, I am not upset.

Good morning Robert, nice to see you.

Oh, you must be Laura.

How do you do Mr. Wheelright?

Call me Ollie.

Ollie, your book exploded.

Oh yes, that's for the pre-readers.

To scare them to death?

Yes indeed.

Makes them want to learn to read directions sooner.

Marcia, I'm having dinner with Puddles the Clown.

Call the club and make a reservation.

And be sure to remind Puddles to wear a suit this time.

Tell our lawyers to cancel the contract on Dr. Dumpling.

Oh, Dr. Dumpling.

Ritchie loves him.

Yes, so do most bartenders in town.

Oh.

Gee, what a shame.

Those talking furniture books of his are wonderful.

So creative.

Oh, he's not so creative my dear.

He merely writes what he sees.

Ollie, it looks like we've caught you on a bad morning.

Robert, I haven't had a good morning since I

became an adult. Sit down Robert.

You look very prosperous.

Well, so do you, Ollie.

Kiddie book business seems to be booming.

Oh, it's like everything else.

As Plato said, trouble here, trouble their,

little trouble everywhere.

Plato said that?

Plato the Parrot.

The Adventures Of Captain Graham Cracker.

Ollie, look, I know you're busy.

We just wanted to know what you thought of the stuff

we sent in.

Well, Robert, Laura.

[phone ringing]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hi, ho, Rollie, this is Ollie.

How are things on Fire Island?

Jolly.

Rollie, I want the rest of those stories

on the flower that joined the circus.

And Rollie, do me a favor.

Tone it down.

The last chapter you sent me was much too sexy.

Excuse me Laura.

Now about your stories.

Marcia, hold all calls.

I don't want to speak to anybody but Walt Disney.

I've been trying to get in touch with him for years.

Now then, as I said, I like both of your stories.

And I understand yours was the first attempt, Laura.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Not Walt. All right, all right.

Got it right here.

The leafy head of lettuce, soldier skinny pretzels,

and baby Brussels sprouts.

Those for a new book?

No, for dinner.

That's my wife.

She gets sore no matter what.

Now as I was saying, I like both of your stories very much.

I was particularly intrigued with Laura's characters.

Yeah, they were very good.

In mine, I was trying to--

Yes.

And I loved her use of symbolism.

Yeah, they were wonderful.

Did you notice how I tried to use the symbolism in mine?

I always notice symbolism.

As a matter of fact, Laura had some very fresh symbolism.

Well, thank you again.

She did?

I tell you, I can see symbolism

even when it isn't there.

Now you think this character Rollie on Fire Island.

If people knew what he was really writing about,

we'd all be in jail.

Ollie, in plain simple language,

what did you think of my story?

Well Robert, the psychology of the main character

that you tried to institute into a thematic--

Ollie, Ollie.

Robert, it stunk.

I-- I--

What was wrong with it?

All that violence and killing.

I got more laughs out of reading the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

One of us had to go for some stark reality there.

New concept.

That's the old concept.

Mother Goose has been scaring kids for years.

That crazy old broad was vicious.

Well, Honey, I--

you were right.

Yours was a better story.

I'm proud of you.

Oh, Darling, thank you.

But really, it was just beginner's luck.

Hardly luck, Laura my dear.

Yours is a classic.

A classic?

Gee, I thought it was good, but a classic?

Well how about that?

That's terrific honey.

Boy, that's wonderful.

You're going to buy it?

I couldn't afford the lawsuit.

What lawsuit?

Did you ever hear of Rudolph Schmittler?

No.

Well, in 1905 in a small village in Switzerland,

Rudolph Schmittler wrote a story called "The Mouse

in the Mud Hole."

So what?

So, in reality, Laura's little Danny is Schmittler's mouse.

It is?

Mm-hm, and her dream is Schmittler's mudhole.

"The Mouse in the Mud Hole."

Oh my gosh, my grandmother used to read that to me.

Now, now, now.

Don't feel too badly Laura.

It happens all the time.

As a matter of fact, many people say

that my Captain Graham Cracker is

really a crummy Humpty Dumpty.

Well, we're a great team.

I'm Mother Goose and you're a pirate.

Oh, I'm just so embarrassed.

Look. Ollie.

Thanks a lot for your time.

I'm sorry we bothered.

Thank you.

Robert, don't you want to know whether I

liked the little butcher boy's pictures?

Boy, our excitement about us, we forgot about him.

Did you like them?

Yes indeed, I like them very much.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to publish them.

Oh, that's great.

Honey, we sold them without a story.

Oh, but there is a story.

There is?

Yes, I wrote it myself.

It's a charming little tale of a lad who goes into the forest,

sleeps in the animals' houses, sits in their chairs,

eats their porridge.

Well Ollie, isn't that a Goldilocks?

Goldilocks was with bears.

Mine is with three little pigs.

Oh dear.

[whistling]

- Hi, darling. - Hi, honey.

Dinner'll be ready in a minute.

Oh!

Oh.

We got to quit kissing on the run.

Oh.

Boy.

Hey, guess what.

Ollie called.

He gave Charlie a full time job as an artist.

Yeah, I know.

Frank called today.

Well, I guess we're regular patrons of the arts.

Yeah, I guess so.

You know what Frank did?

He was so grateful, sent us a present.

Oh, he didn't have to do that.

What he send?

This.

Look at that.

Turkey!

It's not a turkey.

It's the biggest chicken in Westchester County.

Honey, we made a mistake getting Charlie that job.

What do you mean?

Look at the pin feathers.

Tons of them.

Oh dear.

Well, kiddie books needs Charlie,

but the meat market needs him more.

Hmm?

Well, in this day and age, you can find a lot of good artists.

But where do you find a first class chicken flicker?

[theme music]