All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s05e08

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Boy, what a sale, huh?

Yeah.

And all you needed was cottage cheese.

Oh, guess what I forgot.

Boy, how could I be so dumb?

Shh.

Rob's sleeping.

Oh, well, you don't have to shush me.

If Rob is sleeping on the weekends, nothing can wake him.

How could I forget the cottage cheese?

I hope they got the cookies.

Hey, Mom, did you get the cookies?

LAURA: After lunch.

Hey, what's this?

I told you.

My new book of fun games.

My mom never buys me anything.

She just brings me over here.

Hey, you want to play this where you find the presidents'

faces hidden in the trees?

No.

I already found all them.

Lincoln is in the bush.

Yeah, they always put him in the bush.

Hey, a connect the dots game.

I can use my new black magic pen.

It writes on anything.

Let me use it.

No, it's mine.

You connect the dots on that page, and I'll do this one.

We'll race.

Dopey stupid.

That's the eye.

You're not supposed to connect a person's eye.

I do it my way.

Dopey stupid.

I'm rubber, and you're glue.

And everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

When out with your mother, do you still

have to use the ladies' room?

Not since I'm five.

Gilbert's mother still takes him.

That's dumb.

Look.

Mine's Popeye.

Mine's Santa Claus.

With a scar.

That's 'cause you connected the eye.

Aw, nuts, there's no more dot games.

No, only two.

I wanted to do more.

Dopey stupid book.

Hey, can I some candy?

Not unless you take that back about my book.

OK.

It's a great book.

No.

It's dopey stupid.

Say, your dad sure has a lot of freckles.

Only on his back.

The rest of him is clean.

Hey, these freckles look just like the dot game.

They haven't got numbers.

I bet you I can connect them, anyway.

Yeah?

Maybe we'd get a picture.

Or a whipping.

Do you get hit?

No, but they keep promising.

He wouldn't get mad.

It's not like breaking something.

OK.

But you do it.

I'll do it easy so I don't wake him up.

He never wakes up on Saturdays.

Let's see.

If I connect freckle number one to the next freckle,

number two.

Boy, that pen works good.

Cut it out, honey.

(QUIETLY) Look what it's coming out to be.

Yeah.

Wow.

I told you we'd get a picture.

Just like the one in the school books.

Ritchie, I-- what are you doing?

I didn't do it.

Freddie did it.

What did he do?

I'll kill him.

Ritchie, dear, you don't draw on people's backs.

You, either, dopey stupid.

We didn't draw.

We connected the freckles.

Oh, come on, Ritch.

You didn't connect those freckles.

You just drew it there.

Honest, Mom.

He connected the freckles just like the dot game.

Hey, there are freckles under the ink.

Laura, will you look at that?

I never knew Rob had that on his back.

I can't believe it.

Freddie must have just drawn it there.

Freddie, tell the truth for once in your life.

Did you draw it or not?

I just connected the freckles.

You know, I can see freckles under the black line.

I told you.

Go eat some cookies.

What about lunch?

After the cookies.

Well, there's just no doubt about it, Millie.

It's a perfect picture of the Liberty Bell.

MILLIE: It's even cracked.

You know, Laura, your husband has a very unusual back.

We ought to get a picture of that

before Rob wakes up and smudges it.

What for?

What for?

It's living history.

I mean, who knows, when he gets old and his back's all wrinkly,

and you can't see the bell anymore,

you'd be glad you had a picture of it.

Where's the camera?

Well, that's so silly.

It's in the bedroom.

Gee, I thought it was here in the closet.

Oh, watch it, Millie.

Watch it.

[crashing]

Oh, darn.

[groaning]

Books, suitcases, tennis rackets, no camera.

Boy, what a dopey stupid house.

Maybe it's in the--

He's gone.

Rob?

Oh, boy.

I hope he didn't take a shower.

What, honey?

Oh, good.

It's still there.

I'm going to get my camera.

OK.

What was that all about?

Well, it's about your back.

What about my back?

Well it's-- it's a very nice back, Rob.

Uh, did anyone ever say anything to you about it?

No.

I-- I never had any real discussions about my back.

It's just always been there when I needed it.

Just a plain old back, huh?

Yeah.

You want to bet?

Honey, have you and Millie been in the cooking sherry

or something? - No, Rob.

It's just that-- well, you've got a very unusual back,

and I'm proud to be married to it.

Oh, boy, you and Millie-- you've been--

[speaking gibberish] right?

Darling, Ritchie and Freddie were playing

this connect the dot game.

And-- well, they saw you lying there on the couch asleep and--

Yeah?

They saw your freckles, and--

And?

They connected them.

[laughter]

What?

They connected my freckles?

- Yeah. - Where?

I--

Well, it's on your back.

[laughter]

What'd I get?

A "kick me" sign or something? - No, no.

They got a picture.

A picture?

What of?

The Liberty Bell.

[laughing]

The famous one?

A dead ringer.

Ha!

No, I mean, you said it, Rob.

Well, take a look.

Well, that's impossible.

Why don't you take a look in the mirror in the bedroom?

You're kidding me.

I'm not, Rob.

Even the kids recognized it.

[laughing]

Well?

Ding dong.

Here's the picture Millie took of it.

- Ah. - Yeah.

Boy, I'm so impressed, I can't think of a joke.

You will.

Hey, Rob, this is pretty wild.

But how can I be sure that that's really your back?

Because that's my head.

Oh.

Hey, you know why I can't think of a joke?

Because nobody ever brought up the subject before.

But I'll think of one.

Yeah, keep punching.

Yeah, this is a real challenge.

It's pretty unusual, I'll have to admit.

What's unusual about a bell on your back?

My brother got a landlord on his back.

[laughing]

That's one. - Hey, Rob.

Come on.

Let-- let me see the bell for real.

You saw the picture.

Yeah, but I mean in the flesh.

No, Sal, I washed it off.

Oh, come on, Rob, please.

Hey, Rob, when you bend over, does the bell go clang clang?

That's two. - No.

One and a half. Hey, Rob.

Come on.

I can draw it, right?

And then we'll get right back to work.

Cross my heart.

Sal, what if somebody comes in here

and see me showing you my back?

Well, I'll-- I'll tell them I'm knitting you an undershirt.

I wish I had said that.

You will.

Come on, Rob.

Are you going to bother me all day?

- Yes, I am. - All right.

All right. Here.

Lay back, right here.

Go ahead.

It's that clump of freckles right over in there.

OK.

I never had a bell on my back.

I've had a frog in my throat.

Hey, hey.

Hey, that's three.

Nope.

Two and a half.

Hey, Rob.

This part doesn't seem right here.

- Did you use all the freckles? - Oh, wait.

Wait, wait. Oh, there's one.

Yeah.

Hey, you ought to number them, you know?

Hey, Rob.

You got a bell on your back.

Remember when I told you you had two and a half.

Yeah?

Well, you only got one and a half.

You lose a point for stupidity.

Oh, hi, Mel.

[laughing]

I guess this looks a little crazy, doesn't it?

No, no, no.

My secretary told me about it.

Isn't that the weirdest thing you've ever seen?

Outside of his head.

It is a little unusual.

But I am sure that you could get some kind of a picture

from anybody's back if you join the freckles.

I got an idea.

Maybe if we hook up all the freckles on your head,

if we connect them, it might look like hair.

Mel, you mean, this-- this doesn't surprise you?

Mother Nature never shocks me.

Oh, it sure must have shocked your father and mother.

Hey.

That one don't count.

I just threw that one in.

Well, throw it back.

Hey, Rob.

Take a deep breath. - Why?

No. Come on.

Just take a deep breath. All right.

You see?

You see when he breathes deep?

You see how the crack in the bell widens?

Oh, Sal.

It certainly is a remarkable effect--

Take your hands off there.

That's what ruined the first one.

Congratulations, Rob.

You're a freak of the week.

I'm not, either.

I just happen to be artistically and patriotically freckled.

[knocking]

- Is this the writing room? - Yeah.

What is it?

Oh, well, uh, we're with the stage crew,

and we want to see that geek with the Liberty Bell.

Hey, it'll cost you 10 cents to look.

OK, Rob, it's showtime.

Ta-da.

Feel any better, honey?

I'm still stiff.

Maybe you ought to see a doctor.

What?

And tell him that I got a kink in my back

from letting hundreds of people look at my Liberty Bell?

It wasn't hundreds.

It sure seemed like it.

Half of them wanted to redraw it.

Yoo-hoo.

- Hi, Mil. - Hi.

Hi.

Well, how's the old back, Rob?

Old.

Want some coffee?

No, thanks.

I just came over to read Rob something.

"A man in Tibet had a needle through his nose for 15 years."

Well, stop staring at me.

It's no joke.

It's an "Odd but True."

You know, the column with all the weird facts?

Listen to this.

"In India, a prince has a tree in his backyard that cries."

Well, that's odd, I guess.

But true.

And sad.

It's hard to cheer up a tree.

You go on and make fun, but they pay $500

to people submitting items.

So?

So $500 is a lot of money.

Oh, Millie, I don't think they pay that money.

They make most of those things up.

You didn't make up your back.

Millie, are you suggesting that we send in Rob's back?

For $500, why not?

Are you serious?

You want to submit my back to "Odd but True"?

Well, I don't see any needles in your nose.

Why not?

Well, Millie, for one thing, this is-- that's not that odd.

He's right.

I knew you'd say that, but you're wrong.

They want you down at their office

so they can check you out.

Millie, you're nuts.

You had this idea the whole time, didn't you?

That's why you were so anxious to get a few pictures.

Boy, what a sneaky trick.

Well, listen, if you can't be sneaky with your best friends,

who can you be sneaky with?

Besides, we'll all make a lot of money out of it.

All?

Well, I figured since my Freddie drew it originally,

the family would split the money 50/50.

We're not going to split it.

Well, you don't think it's fair to keep it all?

Millie, I'm not going.

Why not?

Because I'm not.

That's why.

Why not?

Millie, because-- honey, will you tell her why?

Millie, because he--

well, I don't know why not, Rob.

I'll tell you why not.

I don't know why not.

It's-- I feel silly, I think.

Well, it's an honor.

What honor?

With a bunch of oddballs?

Odd-but-true-balls.

Kings and emperors and princes are all in the column.

They're all freaks.

Well, honey, you're not a freak.

I mean, when they're not connected,

you're perfectly normal. It's just when--

I'm a freak.

I didn't say that.

Listen.

I'll tell you what, Rob.

Instead of 50/50, we'll split 60-40.

Millie, it's not the money.

It's--

It's what?

Well.

Honey, take over, will you?

Oh, come on, Rob.

Who knows when I'll ever have another neighbor

who's a freak-- who's freckled?

Millie, I think you better drop

it before it gets embarrassing.

That's it.

That's the word.

That's the why not-- embarrassing.

I would be embarrassed to go into that den of--

oddballs.

He's right.

Millie, I would, too, with the shrunken heads

and the crying trees. Blah!

Oh, listen.

They don't have things like that in the New York office.

They got cute things, you know, like Rob's back and Fred Derf.

Fred Derf?

Fred Derf.

You know, the guy whose name is the same backwards as forwards.

Fred is Derf, and Derf is Fred.

You know.

Besides, it's worth a little embarrassment.

Buddy and Sally would never ever let me live that down.

Well, you'll be famous.

You'll have your name in the paper.

Millie, I sincerely hope if I ever get my name in the paper,

it'll be because I've solved a world crisis

or discovered a new serum or something.

Oh, you're not smart enough to do that.

Oh, no, I already started the serum.

What serum?

It removes freckles and neighbors.

Boy, are you selfish?

Underneath your picture it'll say "contributed

by Mildred Helper."

Well, thanks a lot, Rob.

Oh, come on, Millie.

Don't be angry.

I'm not angry.

I'm hurt.

Uh, don't be hurt, Millie.

Just be disappointed.

Boy, all the people in the world that are lucky enough

to have the Liberty Bell on their back, it had to be you,

you big freak.

Here you are.

What do you mean, here you are?

You've got the big piece.

Yeah, but you got most of the jelly.

I didn't buy jelly donuts.

Uh-oh.

Ew.

Maybe I ought to change bakeries.

I think you better, yeah.

Hi, gang.

Well, there he is, the fabulous Mister Freckle.

No more back talk, please.

Hey, you know, you're pretty sneaky.

Hey, Rob, listen.

You better come in early if you want to beat

us to something like that.

What's-- what's that?

Right here, sir.

"Odd but True."

What odd but true?

You odd but true.

The guy called this morning.

Mr. Tetlow, odd but true.

What'd he say?

He was just confirming your 1 o'clock appointment.

My-- oh, Millie Helper, I'll kill her.

She's doing it all. It's all her.

You mean to say that you didn't make the appointment?

No. No.

She made it, and she was supposed to break it.

Well, what are you so mad about?

Wouldn't you be mad if somebody asked

you to go to a place like this? - No.

No?

No.

Not if I had a bell on my back.

You're kidding.

Rob, the $500 and a million laughs?

A million laughs is right.

You guys will never let me forget it.

Oh, come on. You can have a ball down there.

And, Rob, maybe we could get a good sketch

for the show out of it.

You guys think I ought to do this?

Gee, I'd do it.

But my wife, Pickles, is kind of odd,

but she's too odd to be true.

Well, let's see.

The only odd thing I have is a match set

at Mussolini's Chianti glasses.

You got those, too?

You think I ought to do this, huh?

Rob, who said, "A writer should

try to research and experience all facets of life"?

I said that.

Yeah, well, this is a pretty funny facet of life,

and it could make a wonderful chapter in your book.

Yeah, or a whole book.

I think the whole thing's a little crazy.

Well, we all think it's crazy.

That's why you ought to do it.

Hey, are you going to call him and say yes?

No.

I'm going to check with Laura to see if she wants me to share

my back with the whole world.

She will.

How do you know?

Because we're fellow women.

And for 500 bucks, I'd let you walk down

Times Square in a sun suit.

[laughing]

She looks all right.

Everybody seems to be perfectly normal.

If they're so normal, what are they doing here?

Uh, excuse me?

Yes?

Um, I have an appointment with Mr. Tetlow.

Physical or factual?

I beg your pardon?

Are you bringing in a physical oddity or an unusual fact

for consideration?

Well, it's-- on my back, I have--

Physical.

Fill this out, sit over there, and wait.

Thank you.

She sure didn't seem very interested.

Well, she's probably seen everything.

Would you like to see?

Uh, I don't think so.

I dug it up in my backyard.

Honey, you smeared my place of birth.

I thought you folks would like to see.

He dug it up in his backyard.

Oh, what?

I'll be darned.

Honey, look at that.

Should I?

Oh, it's only a potato.

Only?

It's a potato shaped like a duck.

Oh, it does look like a duck.

Like a brown duck.

And you see that potato eye?

That's just where the duck's eye would be.

That's amazing.

Is there an eye on the other side?

Oh, no.

You think they'll disqualify me?

Well, I don't think they can have everything, can they?

I mean, a one-eyed duck is pretty fantastic.

Especially if it's a potato.

[laughing]

That's nothing.

My dog hasn't eaten a thing in five years.

What?

It's odd but true.

My little Mitzi here hasn't taken one single bite

since I got her five years ago.

And who knows how long it had been before she'd eaten then?

That is something. Isn't that something, honey?

It certainly is.

She looks so healthy.

That's what's odd.

She looks healthy.

A dog that doesn't eat ought to look dead.

Big deal.

Let's see you grow a duck.

Now, uh, go ahead and try to feed her something.

She won't eat it.

Well, I haven't got any dog biscuits on me or anything.

Well, how about a candy bar or some nuts or something?

Well, uh, I'm afraid the only thing I have is chewing gum.

Honey, no dog will chew gum.

Hi.

I just walked here all the way from Buffalo.

You have an appointment?

No.

I just took off and walked here.

I'm out to break the record.

OK.

Fill out the form.

Have a seat.

Not on your life.

In three hours, I'll be champ.

Oh.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Just sign the one side there.

You think he actually walked all the way?

I don't know.

I'd like to know how he opened the door.

Mr. Petrie, Mr. Tetlow will see you now.

Uh, let's see now.

You must be Mr. Petrie, and you are Mrs. Petrie.

Well, if we're not, we've got another item for the column.

Now, let's see.

Who is this Mildred Helper who sent in the item?

Oh, well, that's Millie.

She's our next door neighbor.

Your, uh, next door neighbor is familiar with your husband's

back?

Well, uh, no, no.

She just, uh, submitted the whole thing for us.

Actually, we kind of-- we thought it was kind of silly.

You think "Odd but True" is silly?

Well, no, I didn't say that.

Only by observing the abnormal can man

discover what is normal.

Why, our column has been running almost

as long as Maggie and Jake's.

Yes.

Oh, this is our very first "Odd but True."

Well, what is it?

It looks like a lamp without a shade on it.

It's a full grown man with a head the size of a baseball.

Isn't that fantastic?

Wow.

Oh, uh, this is his hat.

They-- they bronzed it, honey.

Wow.

Now then, may I see your bell, please?

Oh.

Let's, uh, check your freckles.

We have to, uh, investigate all physical claims very carefully.

Oh, you'd be amazed how many people try

to put something over on us.

Oh, oh, oh.

Uh, uh, should, uh, Mrs. Petrie leave?

No, no.

I've seen it.

I mean, it's right there where anyone can see it.

Now, uh, you see, this pattern of freckles

right here forms the bell.

Well, then go ahead and connect them.

- OK. - Good, honey.

This is for the money this time.

Well, uh, perhaps.

I've never done it before.

The pen tickles.

LAURA: Hmm.

Now, you see, these freckles right here form the crack.

Just a moment.

Those don't look like freckles to me.

Well, they are.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're little tiny healed over scars.

That's what they are. - Huh?

Rob, stand still.

If you look, no one else can.

Yes, they're tiny healed over scars.

That's what they are.

What's he talking about, honey?

You know, Rob, I never looked at them very closely before.

But they do look different.

Did you ever have any tiny little

healed over scars on your back?

Well, of course not.

I-- wait a minute.

In the army, I got some in the back.

In your back, hmm?

Well, no, I mean, I was in basic,

and I tried to go under some barbed wire.

And you just now remembered it?

You don't think I'm trying to trick you, do you?

Oh.

We have many, many people who self-inflict wounds just

to get the $500.

Now, wait just a minute.

In the first place, he wouldn't do a thing like that.

And in the second place, even if the crack is scars,

he still has a whole bell out of freckles.

My dear young woman, I have hundreds

of freckle bells in my files.

I even have one with warts.

It was the crack that was the interesting feature.

Mr. Tetlow, if you're not interested in my bell, that's

your privilege, but don't go insinuating I'm

trying to trick you.

I didn't even want to come in this place.

And if you'd like my opinion, I

think an uncracked bell is twice as

interesting as a baseball head.

Not if you like sports.

Excuse me, I--

[yelling]

You see-- excuse me.

Excuse me.

What's going out--

You know that dog that never eats?

Well, he just ate my potato shaped like a duck.

She did not!

She did not.

She didn't eat it.

She just chewed it a little and spit it out.

He'll tell you it was a duck.

Tell him.

It was a one-eyed duck that he had.

Well, it isn't now.

I'm going to sue.

I'm going to sue.

I'll never grow another duck!

You couldn't wait until we got home to eat?

Dumb dog.

Mr. Tetlow, I want to thank you for your valuable time.

But I'll tell you something.

I'm glad I'm not odd but true.

Goodbye. Oh!

[yelling]

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

You're sorry?

400 miles of agony, and you're sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me stand you back up.

I'm really sorry. - No, no.

It's too late.

It's over.

It's all over.

Honey, we ruined four odds but true.

Here she comes.

OK.

Let me do the talking.

Well, well? What happened?

Did they accept you? Did we get the money?

Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying.

Calm down. Hold it, Millie.

They loved you. Where's the money?

Uh, they didn't love him.

They didn't want your back?

They didn't want any part of me.

Oh, wow.

What a disappointment.

No, no.

Not all together.

We do-- we do have some good news.

- Let me tell her, honey. - OK.

What, what?

Well, Millie, we found an even better odd but true.

Oh, another one? You did?

You're kidding. Can I share in it?

Yeah, yeah, you can.

But Rob and I are going to be the submitters.

Oh, I don't care. I don't care.

What is it?

Well, we found a woman right here

in New Rochelle who nobody talked

to for the rest of her life.

Wow.

Who is she?

Hey, where did you find her?

Did you tell them about her?

Rob?

Laura?

Laura, why don't you answer me?

[music playing]