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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[applause]
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OK.
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OK, ladies, we're about to choose
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our last contestant, who is Ms. Carol Hackett
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from Sacramento, California.
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There she is, come right up here, dear.
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Anything gets in your way, hack it.
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[laughter]
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We're gonna be on the air in just a short while, ladies.
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And it's exactly 10 minutes to 1:00,
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if anybody has to take a pill.
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You're a bunch of dolls, come on.
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[laughter]
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You see, it's another sexy one.
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I didn't stand a chance.
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Oh, sure you did.
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He picked the name out of the bowl.
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Yeah, but the only thing that comes out of that
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bowl is sexy out-of-towners.
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Boy, Millie, you are so phony.
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What do you mean phony?
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If they ever did pick you to go on, you'd die.
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I'd live long enough to win a dryer or a dishwasher
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and I wouldn't go home empty handed.
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I know Rob could use his influence to get me on.
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It took him half a day just to get us the tickets.
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I already thanked you for that.
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Ladies, ladies, excuse me.
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There's still a chance for one lucky lady.
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We had to disqualify Ms. Hackett.
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She doesn't speak English, right?
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- Perdón, gracias. - Gracias.
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Gracias.
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There's no need to apologize, dear.
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We'll just pick another name.
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Laura, did you ever have a sudden flash
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of blind intuition hit you?
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Hmm?
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He's gonna call me.
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Mrs. Mildred Helper.
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Oh!
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No!
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Mildred Helper.
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Hey, Mr. Patrick.
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(SINGING) There she is.
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No, here she is, I'm her friend.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: What's wrong with her?
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Uh, well, nothing.
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Nothing?
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You mean she always looks like that?
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Uh, no.
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Millie, come on.
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I'll die, I'll just die, Laura.
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Ladies, we better pick somebody else.
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Millie, they're gonna pick someone else.
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Pick, pick.
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- Uh, Mr. Patrick? - Yeah.
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LAURA: I think you'd better pick someone else.
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She's a little nervous. - OK, thanks.
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Hey, what about you? - Me?
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Sure, why not?
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You're not nervous, are you?
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Well, uh--
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Go ahead, Laura.
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What do you mean go ahead?
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I mean go ahead.
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If you win something, we'll split it.
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Don't be a baby.
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When did you get so brave?
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You can't lose.
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You're smart and you're sexy. - Millie!
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Ladies, we're gonna have to choose somebody else.
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She'll do it. Go on.
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Oh, all right.
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How about a little encouragement for her?
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[applause]
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You know, Alan, we think in the new format,
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the second dance number should come before the big sketch.
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Gee, I don't know.
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I like it.
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Now, I like it.
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Yeah, me too.
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Yeah, I like it too.
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What do you know?
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Look at that tie you're wearing.
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Pretty good.
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Now, what else you got there, Rob?
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Well, we have the list of the guest performers
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we'd like to have on the show this next year.
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Yeah, you'll notice they're mostly men.
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Who made up the list?
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Who else?
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Listen, you guys, you know these advertising
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guys are very sensitive and they have to be romanced.
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So I'll do all the talking.
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Yeah, and I'll do all the romancing.
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If I need any help, I'll ask first.
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- Yes, if Alan needs any help-- - Shut up, Mel.
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Yes, sir.
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If the meeting drags, I can play my cello.
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Yeah, and then I'll get sick.
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OK, fellas, we'll grab a quick bite and then get over there.
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- I couldn't eat a thing. - I'm treating.
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I'm starving.
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[phone rings]
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Hello?
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Shut up, Mel.
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Speak up, Mel!
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Speak up!
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It's for Rob.
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Well, shut up and give it to him.
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Come on, [inaudible].
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Thanks, Mel.
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Make it snappy, Rob.
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Hello?
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Rich?
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Is anything wrong?
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Rich?
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It's my son.
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Ritchie, I'm in a very important meeting.
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Huh?
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Well, Uncle Al and Uncle Mel and Uncle Buddy and Uncle Sally.
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The kid calls up once a day when he gets a new riddle.
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Yeah, and then we use it on the show.
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What, Rich?
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Wait a minute, Uncle Jerry called and said that Millie
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said that mommy is on what?
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Oh boy, this is tougher than usual.
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Well, what television show?
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Oh.
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Oh, the dumb tickets I got.
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Yeah, OK, Rich.
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Thank you.
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Yeah, boy.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Uh-huh.
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I give up.
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What is it?
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An unlisted banana.
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[laughs]
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Very good, bye, Rich.
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Hey, what's an unlisted banana?
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Rob, what was that about?
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Laura is gonna be on "The Johnny Patrick Show."
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Well, who cares?
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What's an unlisted banana?
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When?
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Today, right now.
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What's an unlisted banana?
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I got the tickets for her and Millie last week.
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Rob?
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What is long and yellow and seldom rings?
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An unlisted banana.
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[clapping]
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Hey, look, why don't the rest of you go on to lunch.
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I'd like to stay here and watch Laura on the show.
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Is that all right, Alan?
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Yeah, we'll be at the Purple Peacock.
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Hey, listen, I'd like to watch that "Johnny Patrick Show."
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It's a lot less fattening than lunch.
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Johnny Patrick, he's the guy that's so rough on his guests.
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Yeah, he once got an airline pilot so confused,
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he had to confess that he hated to fly.
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I once saw him get a woman so bad
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that she told him she hated her kids.
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Hey, well, tune it in, Mel.
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Let's all stay and watch what he does to Laura.
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[music playing]
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[inaudible].
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[applause]
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Our next traveller
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is a lovely lady from New Rochelle,
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New York, Mrs. Laura Petrie.
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Let's hear it, girls.
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[applause]
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It's Mrs. Laura Petrie?
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That's right.
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That's my friend.
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This is her coat.
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She looks good.
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Yeah.
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Petrie, Petrie, is your husband in television?
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Yes, he is.
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I thought that name was familiar.
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Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady
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happens to be married to one of the most
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talented men in our business.
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LAURA: Thank you, I think he is.
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The producer of that fantastic show, "The World in Trouble,"
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Dave Petrie.
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[applause]
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Oh, no.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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He's not producing that show anymore?
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No, he's not my husband.
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Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.
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- No, no, he never was. - Oh!
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[laughter]
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No, see my husband is Rob Petrie.
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Who?
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LAURA: Robert Petrie.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: I'm afraid I don't know that name.
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LAURA: Well, he's the head writer
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of "The Alan Brady Show."
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh, sure.
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Is that still on?
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LAURA: Of course it is.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Tell me, Laura, now listen, is the show any
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better now than it used to be?
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LAURA: Oh, yes.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh? LAURA: I mean no.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh.
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Boy, I'm getting hungry.
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Well, what do you mean?
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Well, I mean, it was always good.
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You're a little bit nervous, Laura, but tell me,
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now listen, now just between us, what is Alan Brady really like?
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Don't anybody make a sound.
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LAURA: Well, he's a very fine, talented man.
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All right, let's hear it, a sigh of relief all around.
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She's cute.
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[laughs]
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JOHNNY PATRICK: I agree, Alan Brady
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is an extremely talented man.
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You know, this guy is very good.
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My husband's always saying how exhilarating it is to work
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for a man as gifted as Alan.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Yeah, well, she'd have to say that, folks.
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No, she didn't.
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But tell me, listen, is he any easier to get along with now?
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LAURA: Oh, yes.
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No, uh, he's the same.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Come on, now, the truth.
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Is he still a screamer?
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LAURA: I wouldn't put it that way.
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JOHNNY PATRICK: Oh?
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LAURA: Well, as far as I know, he was never that way.
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You're very quick, Mrs. Petrie,
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and you're a great sport.
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We're gonna give you a chance to win
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some prizes right after this word from [inaudible]..
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How do you like that guy, trying to get her to say all
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those rotten things about me?
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I hope you notice she didn't, though.
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She's very good, very good.
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He was trying to get her to put her foot in your mouth.
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Alan, if you're going to have lunch and get to that meeting,
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you'd better get going.
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Shut up, Mel.
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What are you doing in my chair?
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I don't know.
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Look, it's late and Laura's not gonna mind
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if we don't watch the rest.
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Oh, don't you want to see if she wins anything?
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It doesn't matter whether she wins, the important thing is
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she didn't lose. - Huh?
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Your job.
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[laughs]
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Good luck.
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[applause]
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OK, let's see what Laura Petrie, the writer's wife,
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won on her pay-as-you-go trip from New York to California,
268
00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:40,753
a hair dryer, a vacuum cleaner, a rotisserie, and an eight
269
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:42,121
millimeter movie projector.
270
00:08:42,221 --> 00:08:45,558
[applause]
271
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,494
Thank you.
272
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:49,896
You're very welcome, Laura.
273
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:51,364
And I hope you'll come to see us again, won't you?
274
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,065
Well, I'll try.
275
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:54,166
Thank you.
276
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,535
Oh, one thing, one thing I meant to ask you.
277
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:56,836
Yes.
278
00:08:56,936 --> 00:08:58,137
Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?
279
00:08:58,237 --> 00:08:59,071
Oh, yes.
280
00:08:59,171 --> 00:08:59,906
Uh-huh.
281
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,641
Does he where is toupee at home?
282
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:04,577
Oh, golly, yes, he wears it all the time.
283
00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:07,480
Do you mean that Alan Brady is really bald?
284
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:08,714
No.
285
00:09:08,814 --> 00:09:10,149
Well, then why does he wear a toupee?
286
00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:11,384
Well--
287
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:12,351
That's it, ladies, the secret's out,
288
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:13,486
she knows and she said it.
289
00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:15,187
How about that, folks?
290
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,689
[inaudible]
291
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:18,558
I didn't-- I didn't mean to--
292
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:19,892
Laura, listen, don't worry about it.
293
00:09:19,992 --> 00:09:21,127
I'm sure that Alan will understand.
294
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,595
Oh, no, he won't. You don't know him.
295
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:23,729
When he finds out he's gonna just--
296
00:09:23,829 --> 00:09:24,730
He'll what? He'll what?
297
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:25,731
- Nothing. - What?
298
00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:26,632
- Nothing. - He'll what?
299
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:27,900
He's a very nice man.
300
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,135
Thank you very much for all the prizes.
301
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,202
- Thank you for the scoop. - Thank you.
302
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,137
Bye.
303
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,104
How about that girls?
304
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:33,172
You having fun?
305
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:34,440
Don't forget, you heard it on this show.
306
00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:37,043
[applause]
307
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,682
How could I have been so stupid?
308
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:46,652
You weren't stupid, you won four prizes.
309
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,387
Look, I'll take the hair dryer--
310
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:50,122
Millie, will you forget the prizes?
311
00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:53,926
I told America that Alan Brady is bald.
312
00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:54,660
Well, so?
313
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,162
A lot of men are bald.
314
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,230
But a lot of men aren't big television
315
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:02,368
stars, my husband's boss, and the vainest man in the world.
316
00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:03,836
Well, listen, people say things
317
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,105
on that program every day and nobody hears about it.
318
00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:08,608
But nobody ever said that Alan Brady is
319
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,576
bald, Millie, that's big news.
320
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,111
Hey you know, I didn't know that.
321
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,145
How bald is he?
322
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,617
Rob's home.
323
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,785
Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?
324
00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:21,487
I wish you hadn't asked me that.
325
00:10:21,587 --> 00:10:22,788
Why?
326
00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:24,256
Because you're not gonna like my answer.
327
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,025
Goodbye and good luck.
328
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,494
Oh, Millie.
329
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:30,296
Hi, I see you're home.
330
00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:31,297
Uh, yeah.
331
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,574
Boy, did you louse up a day for us.
332
00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:44,510
Alan is furious.
333
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:45,878
Are you?
334
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,446
Well, no, honey, I mean, after all,
335
00:10:47,546 --> 00:10:49,115
it wasn't really your fault.
336
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:52,051
Right, oh, Rob, you're wonderful.
337
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:55,254
Gee, I've been worried sick all day thinking
338
00:10:55,354 --> 00:10:57,556
you'd come home and kill me.
339
00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:58,557
What do you mean worried?
340
00:10:58,657 --> 00:11:00,092
When did you hear about it?
341
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:02,495
Rob, what are you talking about?
342
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:03,996
Talking about Alan.
343
00:11:04,096 --> 00:11:05,498
We were due at a meeting, but we stayed in the office
344
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:06,532
to watch you.
345
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:07,767
Then you did watch it?
346
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:10,469
Yeah, it got late, we ran for a cab.
347
00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,671
Alan fell down, sprained his ankle.
348
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,440
He blames you, that's all.
349
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:15,841
Did you win anything?
350
00:11:15,941 --> 00:11:17,610
Well, I thought you just said you watched.
351
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:21,247
Well, not all of it, honey, just your interview part, see.
352
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,083
Boy, were we proud of the way you handled that Patrick rat.
353
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,819
Oh, Alan said you saved my job.
354
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,187
What'd you win?
355
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:35,294
Oh, I won a dryer and a rotiss--
356
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,931
rotiss-- and a--
357
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:39,999
[slurps]
358
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:45,071
I'm so unhappy.
359
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,138
Why?
360
00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:48,774
'Cause you didn't watch all of the show.
361
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,476
I told you I had to work.
362
00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:51,911
No, Rob.
363
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:54,480
At the very end of the show, I didn't handle myself
364
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:57,016
too well with that Patrick rat.
365
00:11:57,116 --> 00:11:59,752
Aw, gee, he got you to say something embarrassing,
366
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:00,786
didn't he?
367
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:01,954
What was it?
368
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,056
That Alan Brady is bald.
369
00:12:08,494 --> 00:12:09,361
Huh?
370
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,830
Y-- you-- you--
371
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:17,770
You said he had no hair on television.
372
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:20,372
Honey, oh, sweetheart, you--
373
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,274
you knew that was a secret, didn't you?
374
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,843
Yes.
375
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,244
Yeah, that's right.
376
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:27,613
What's the fun in telling if it's not a secret.
377
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:29,849
But Rob, he tricked me.
378
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:30,816
Oh, he tricked you.
379
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:31,817
All right, he tricked you.
380
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,152
Oh, he's very, very tricky.
381
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:35,688
But telling the whole world about Alan's wig--
382
00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:37,189
Oh, are we in trouble.
383
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:39,792
Well, Rob, you saw the way he asked those questions.
384
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,560
You just hardly know how to answer 'em.
385
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:45,131
I am surprised you didn't blab about his nose being fixed.
386
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:51,070
I didn't know Alan had a nose job.
387
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,638
No.
388
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:56,008
Up to now, it was a secret.
389
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:59,345
Rob, I thought we had no secrets from each other.
390
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:02,314
Well, he-- wait a minute.
391
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:04,416
You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right
392
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,886
in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you
393
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:08,487
for telling a secret?
394
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:09,788
I'm not sure.
395
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:11,624
But you see how you can blurt something
396
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:12,858
out when you're excited, Rob?
397
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,261
And I wasn't even trying to trick you.
398
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:18,497
Well, I hope that by some fabulous miracle
399
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:19,832
Alan doesn't find out about it.
400
00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:22,201
Well, Millie suggested that.
401
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:26,071
Oh, what a day, now I'm thinking like Millie.
402
00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:28,941
Rob, I just don't know what to do.
403
00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:30,309
[phone rings]
404
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:31,143
Answer the phone.
405
00:13:31,243 --> 00:13:32,478
Alan will tell you what to do.
406
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,480
Oh, Rob, I can't.
407
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:35,581
[phone rings]
408
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:41,453
Hello?
409
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,556
Oh, Buddy.
410
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,658
Huh?
411
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,426
How did you find out?
412
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:50,796
What, Sal, how did she--
413
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:53,399
She read it in the newspaper.
414
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,234
Alan?
415
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,436
Buddy, huh?
416
00:13:57,536 --> 00:14:00,072
Oh, boy.
417
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:03,475
OK, well, listen, I'll see you tomorrow maybe.
418
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,644
Thanks a lot.
419
00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:07,379
Well?
420
00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:11,083
Well, the item in the paper said the question of whether
421
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,286
Alan Brady is bald or not was answered today on television
422
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:17,189
by the wife of the future ex-writer
423
00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:18,824
of "The Alan Brady Show."
424
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:21,760
And then they printed my name.
425
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,662
Rob, will it make you feel any better if I
426
00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:26,465
tell you how really sorry I am?
427
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:28,400
Well, no.
428
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,637
But if it makes you feel any better, go ahead.
429
00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:32,905
I'm sorry.
430
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:40,346
Rob, what do you think Alan will do?
431
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:43,115
Well, uh, honey, it's not what, it's how,
432
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,617
how, how he'll do it.
433
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,126
Hey, how come you're still here?
434
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,728
Oh, don't worry, he's not gonna fire me.
435
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:56,862
It'd look too bad in the papers.
436
00:14:56,962 --> 00:14:58,264
Yeah, you're right, it wouldn't
437
00:14:58,364 --> 00:14:59,732
look good to fire a guy the same day you kill him.
438
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:00,633
He's not gonna kill me.
439
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:01,667
No?
440
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,202
He ain't gonna give you a raise.
441
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:04,603
Whatever he's gonna do, I wish he'd hurry up and do it.
442
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,538
Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?
443
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,040
What was the name of Marie Antoinette's
444
00:15:08,140 --> 00:15:09,808
husband, the guy with no head?
445
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:11,977
Yeah, I could get fired.
446
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,212
What else did you do to Laura?
447
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:14,780
What do you mean what else?
448
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,283
Well, after you kicked her and hit her and yelled at her
449
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:18,851
and broke her purse mirror?
450
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:21,587
Well, Buddy, after I yelled at her, I didn't do anything.
451
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:24,323
Matter of fact, after I yelled at her, I apologized for it.
452
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,524
You apologized?
453
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:27,626
Why is it when they do something wrong, we always
454
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:28,927
end up apologizing to 'em?
455
00:15:29,028 --> 00:15:30,062
I don't know.
456
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:31,797
Pickles never does anything wrong.
457
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:32,731
Come on.
458
00:15:32,831 --> 00:15:35,367
She never does anything.
459
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:36,302
Hi, Bud.
460
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:37,036
Oh, hi, Sal.
461
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,237
Where's Laura?
462
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:39,705
She's at the Smithsonian Institute.
463
00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:41,307
They're making a statue of her mouth.
464
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:48,714
Come on, where's Laura?
465
00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:49,715
She's at home.
466
00:15:49,815 --> 00:15:51,317
No, she's not, she's here.
467
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:52,651
Where?
468
00:15:52,751 --> 00:15:54,954
I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.
469
00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:56,288
The elevator?
470
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:57,556
Yeah, you know, that little room in the lobby
471
00:15:57,656 --> 00:15:59,458
that goes up and down.
472
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:00,259
In this building?
473
00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:01,327
Of course this building.
474
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:02,728
I saw her when the doors closed.
475
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:04,229
I figured she came up here.
476
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:05,597
I don't understand it, where is she?
477
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,066
Well, she probably went up on the roof
478
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,901
and she's gonna jump off.
479
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:10,135
Oh, Alan's office.
480
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:11,737
She's got a better chance jumping.
481
00:16:11,837 --> 00:16:13,005
Where are you going?
482
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:15,474
To protect my wife from protecting me.
483
00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:18,277
Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair.
484
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:19,411
What am I supposed to do with it?
485
00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:21,613
Well, Alan, I was wondering if--
486
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,082
You want one of them?
487
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:25,951
I'd rather make a coat for my wife.
488
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:27,486
Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
489
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:29,788
I can't tell you how sorry I am about this whole mess.
490
00:16:29,888 --> 00:16:31,156
You can't tell me anything.
491
00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:32,825
Don't touch my hair, will you?
492
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,059
[phone buzzes]
493
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:38,430
Yes, what?
494
00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:39,565
Mrs. Petrie?
495
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:40,499
Rob's wife?
496
00:16:40,599 --> 00:16:42,634
No, his mother.
497
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:43,535
I know it's his wife.
498
00:16:43,635 --> 00:16:44,536
Send her in.
499
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:46,305
That girl is crazy. She is crazy.
500
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:48,107
Well, I've always felt there was a little problem there.
501
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:49,241
You've never felt anything.
502
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,676
Now go answer the door, will you?
503
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:09,628
No, don't say anything.
504
00:17:09,728 --> 00:17:11,163
Let me look at you.
505
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:25,778
Fellas, there she is.
506
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,280
There's the little lady who put you out of business.
507
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:33,685
Your husband's gonna let you take the rap all by yourself,
508
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,154
huh? - Oh, no.
509
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,022
No, Alan, if Rob knew that I was here, he'd kill me.
510
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:37,990
Good, I'll call him.
511
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,092
No, Alan.
512
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:46,965
Please, Rob, as you know, Alan, I--
513
00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:50,702
You see-- When I--
514
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:51,770
Well-- - What?
515
00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:52,704
What!
516
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:53,605
What!
517
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:55,240
How's your foot?
518
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:56,742
How does it look?
519
00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:57,810
Oh.
520
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:58,744
Ooh!
521
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:01,413
Ah!
522
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:02,514
[growls]
523
00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:12,291
Does it hurt?
524
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:19,431
Laura, what the heck are you doing here?
525
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:20,766
Well, I--
526
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,267
If you'd like to see ruins, why don't you go to Greece?
527
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,204
Oh, Alan, you're not ruined, really.
528
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:26,872
First my leg, then my hair.
529
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:28,006
What are you after, my liver?
530
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,909
Well, Alan, I came to apologize
531
00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:34,179
and to tell you personally that I'd like to try to explain.
532
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,113
Explain what?
533
00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:36,114
You've got a big mouth.
534
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:37,716
I do, I know, I know, Alan.
535
00:18:37,816 --> 00:18:40,152
If you wanted a free rotisserie or a dryer,
536
00:18:40,252 --> 00:18:41,487
I would have gotten 'em for you.
537
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,288
I would have gotten you a house, a show place.
538
00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:45,290
Oh, Alan, you don't have to do that.
539
00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:46,992
Alan, could I say something?
540
00:18:47,092 --> 00:18:49,027
You've got more to say?
541
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,662
Well, I've been thinking, Alan,
542
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:54,333
and well, for instance, I think you
543
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:58,070
look very nice without your--
544
00:18:58,170 --> 00:19:00,105
Hair?
545
00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:03,675
Well, yes, and well, for instance,
546
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:06,145
now, I'm not saying that just because I'm in trouble, Alan,
547
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:07,679
although goodness knows I am--
548
00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:08,881
Oh, yes.
549
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,683
But believe me, sincerely Alan, really sincerely,
550
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,520
and you can ask anybody, I have always said that I like you
551
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:17,623
so much better without your--
552
00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:18,557
It's hair!
553
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,292
Hair!
554
00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:24,263
You didn't have any trouble saying it on television!
555
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:26,331
When did you ever see me without my hair?
556
00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:28,066
Well, a couple of times.
557
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,837
Remember the time on your boat when you fell overboard?
558
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:33,071
You bumped into me!
559
00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:35,274
No, no, you tripped over Rob.
560
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:36,275
Hear that fellas?
561
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:38,610
The whole family's after me.
562
00:19:38,710 --> 00:19:40,445
And there's the time at the hospital
563
00:19:40,546 --> 00:19:41,880
when you had your tonsils out.
564
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:43,448
Yeah, so?
565
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,851
Well, I remember telling Rob and I told him to tell you--
566
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:46,985
did he ever tell you?
567
00:19:47,085 --> 00:19:48,387
Because I told him to tell you how
568
00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:52,724
very nice and natural and warm you look that way.
569
00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:54,426
Sort of like a father figure, right?
570
00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:57,029
Oh, no, no, Alan, just the opposite.
571
00:19:57,129 --> 00:19:57,996
Bald mother figure?
572
00:19:58,096 --> 00:19:59,398
No.
573
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:04,503
No, Alan, like a very mature, warm, real person.
574
00:20:04,603 --> 00:20:07,372
Put a little bit more snow in here, we can ski.
575
00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:12,010
Alan, I really like your hair not on--
576
00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:14,413
you, without it.
577
00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:18,483
If this is so, why didn't you tell me this in private?
578
00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:20,385
Well, I just didn't feel it was my place.
579
00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:23,088
No, your place is on network television.
580
00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:25,624
Alan, it was an accident.
581
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:26,425
An accident?
582
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:28,360
So was Custer's Last Stand.
583
00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:30,829
You want a scalp to hang on your belt?
584
00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:32,130
Huh?
585
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:33,298
This is a cute one.
586
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,333
I had this one made so people would
587
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:35,467
say Alan was losing his hair.
588
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:36,602
Would you like that one?
589
00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:37,636
Or would you like a crew cut, one
590
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,137
that I had made for the summer?
591
00:20:39,237 --> 00:20:41,406
Or this one, my "Alan you need a haircut."
592
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:42,774
Huh, would you like these?
593
00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:44,409
What do you-- what-- what do you sugg--
594
00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:46,445
what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?
595
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:51,283
Well, there must be some needy bald people.
596
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:52,951
Needy bald people?
597
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,790
Needy bald people-- Laura, you're a nut!
598
00:20:58,890 --> 00:20:59,925
No, I--
599
00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:00,859
Oh!
600
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:02,995
Oh, hi.
601
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,363
What are you doing here?
602
00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:06,031
Well, I just didn't want you to take the blame
603
00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:07,399
and possibly get fired.
604
00:21:07,499 --> 00:21:09,067
Honey, it's a man's place to take the blame
605
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:09,968
and possibly get fired.
606
00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:11,236
I'm responsible for you.
607
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:12,638
Now, why didn't you say something to me?
608
00:21:12,738 --> 00:21:14,039
Because if I did, you wouldn't have let me come.
609
00:21:14,139 --> 00:21:15,440
You're darn right I wouldn't have let you come.
610
00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:16,475
You shouldn't be here.
611
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:17,776
Hi there, remember me?
612
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:20,112
Hi.
613
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:21,446
Hi, Alan.
614
00:21:21,546 --> 00:21:24,082
Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura,
615
00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:26,184
I would rather you said to me.
616
00:21:26,284 --> 00:21:30,055
OK, Rob, if that's the way you want it.
617
00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:33,725
Rob, you're a beautiful girl.
618
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:36,028
No, no, no, let me finish, sweetheart,
619
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,562
you're a beautiful girl.
620
00:21:37,663 --> 00:21:39,898
And if I'd seen you one hour after you got on television,
621
00:21:39,998 --> 00:21:41,333
I would have killed.
622
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:43,168
But I've been thinking, and it's--
623
00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:47,239
it's interesting that you like me without my hair because my--
624
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,875
my secretary does too and so does my wife.
625
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:51,343
That's three in favor.
626
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,111
Well, I've always said I liked you better bald.
627
00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:55,681
That's four, my butcher is five.
628
00:21:55,781 --> 00:21:59,584
Now the fact that five dumbbells like me this way
629
00:21:59,685 --> 00:22:01,520
isn't the only reason I've decided
630
00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:03,555
to be adorable about this mess.
631
00:22:03,655 --> 00:22:04,923
You're gonna be adorable?
632
00:22:05,023 --> 00:22:07,426
Yeah, the fact is, this incident has sort of
633
00:22:07,526 --> 00:22:09,327
taken a strain off my brain.
634
00:22:09,428 --> 00:22:10,662
It's tough keeping a secret like this.
635
00:22:10,762 --> 00:22:12,698
And now that it's out, I feel better about it.
636
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:15,967
You mean you're happy I told?
637
00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:18,236
Happy?
638
00:22:18,336 --> 00:22:19,471
They're perfect.
639
00:22:19,571 --> 00:22:21,106
You see, not only do we have to forgive
640
00:22:21,206 --> 00:22:22,240
them about their destruction, but we
641
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:23,775
have to be happy about it.
642
00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:24,710
Yes, I'm happy.
643
00:22:24,810 --> 00:22:26,011
- I am too. - Are you happy too?
644
00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:27,045
I'm happy.
645
00:22:27,145 --> 00:22:28,580
Oh, happy days are here again.
646
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:33,385
Don't try to make up.
647
00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:34,519
Eh, look at it this way.
648
00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:36,288
I'm not 29 anymore.
649
00:22:36,388 --> 00:22:38,523
I'm an established genius.
650
00:22:38,623 --> 00:22:40,392
And if anything, my publicity man says
651
00:22:40,492 --> 00:22:42,027
my hair was holding me back.
652
00:22:42,127 --> 00:22:43,428
Well, I wouldn't say that.
653
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,363
Don't say anything, I'm letting you off the hook.
654
00:22:45,464 --> 00:22:47,165
But why?
655
00:22:47,265 --> 00:22:48,667
She'll kill it for you yet.
656
00:22:51,169 --> 00:22:52,771
No, sooner or later, it was bound to come out.
657
00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:54,506
And this way, I'm getting a lot of sympathy,
658
00:22:54,606 --> 00:22:56,408
not to mention the publicity.
659
00:22:56,508 --> 00:22:58,043
Oh, that stuff in the article was great.
660
00:22:58,143 --> 00:22:59,611
Yeah, they're coming up tomorrow to take
661
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,113
before and after pictures.
662
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:04,850
I may get the front and back cover of "News Time."
663
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,351
Well, honey, I'll bet you never
664
00:23:06,451 --> 00:23:07,819
figured it'd turn out this well, did you?
665
00:23:07,919 --> 00:23:08,820
Never.
666
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,155
Maybe I ought to go on television
667
00:23:10,255 --> 00:23:11,423
and tell 'em about your nose.
668
00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:18,930
You told her about my nose?
669
00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:20,265
Nothing.
670
00:23:20,365 --> 00:23:22,033
Ask Rob, I've always said I like you without your nose.
671
00:23:22,134 --> 00:23:23,869
You did?
672
00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:25,570
Did you tell her about my capped teeth?
673
00:23:25,670 --> 00:23:26,838
- Hmm-mm. - Did you buy caps?
674
00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:28,440
- No! - No.
675
00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:29,574
Why don't you come to my house?
676
00:23:29,674 --> 00:23:30,609
You'll find out a lot of things.
677
00:23:30,709 --> 00:23:31,943
You can meet my wife.
678
00:23:32,043 --> 00:23:33,979
Or you can find out all about my [inaudible]----
679
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,581
[music playing]
680
00:23:38,683 --> 00:23:40,418
OK, Laura, it's only fair.
681
00:23:40,519 --> 00:23:42,053
You're the one that got into trouble.
682
00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:43,321
You get first choice.
683
00:23:43,421 --> 00:23:46,992
Oh, well, I'll take the vacuum cleaner.
684
00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,827
Oh.
685
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:50,996
Well, Millie, you said I could pick first.
686
00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:53,365
Yeah, but I didn't know you were gonna pick that.
687
00:23:53,465 --> 00:23:55,133
Well, OK, then you take the first pick.
688
00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:56,501
- No, you won, you pick. - No.
689
00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:57,536
Pick, pick.
690
00:23:57,636 --> 00:23:59,004
Because I'll pick something--
691
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:00,038
Ladies, may I help solve this little problem here?
692
00:24:00,138 --> 00:24:01,439
Please.
693
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:02,774
All right, there are four prizes right, Millie?
694
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:03,809
Yes.
695
00:24:03,909 --> 00:24:05,377
You pick a number between one and 10.
696
00:24:05,477 --> 00:24:07,179
Oh, uh, nine.
697
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:08,380
- All right, Laura? - Three.
698
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:09,614
Three.
699
00:24:09,714 --> 00:24:11,483
All right, what's your favorite tree?
700
00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:12,417
Weeping willow.
701
00:24:12,517 --> 00:24:14,119
Weeping willow.
702
00:24:14,219 --> 00:24:15,554
The mighty oak.
703
00:24:15,654 --> 00:24:17,155
All right, your favorite planet.
704
00:24:17,255 --> 00:24:18,256
Earth.
705
00:24:18,356 --> 00:24:19,257
She took my planet.
706
00:24:19,357 --> 00:24:21,126
Oh, Millie.
707
00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:22,627
OK, give me Pluto.
708
00:24:22,727 --> 00:24:25,897
OK, now, that makes you a nine willow Pluto,
709
00:24:25,997 --> 00:24:28,834
and that makes you a three oak Earth.
710
00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:32,637
So that means, Millie, that you get the dryer, right,
711
00:24:32,737 --> 00:24:34,472
and the vacuum, and Laura gets the rotisserie
712
00:24:34,573 --> 00:24:36,208
and the projector. That's it.
713
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:37,342
Wonderful.
714
00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:38,643
Rob, how did you arrive at that?
715
00:24:38,743 --> 00:24:40,111
Well, what's the difference, we did it?
716
00:24:40,212 --> 00:24:41,213
[laughs]
717
00:24:52,123 --> 00:24:58,296
[theme music]
48797
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