All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e30

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

LAURA: Millie, I thought it out very, very carefully.

And I know my husband.

He may be smart and bright, but like all men,

he can be deceived.

Well, I couldn't do this to my Jerry without his finding out.

You ever tried?

Well I've thought about it.

But I don't know, I could never go through with it.

How about you?

Once, about three years after we were married.

But Rob suspected something, so I dropped it.

Millie, I know I can get away with it if you help me.

Listen, I'll be a regular Liza Bentley.

LAURA: Who's Liza Bentley?

Well she was my first best girlfriend.

I had two steady boyfriends once,

and she kept my secret even though one of my boyfriends

was her own brother.

LAURA: Well this is a little different.

MILLIE: Yeah, deceiving a husband is much more ticklish.

If I were you, I'd stop right now.

LAURA: I can't, it's like an obsession now.

[thud] - Well, you better--

Shh, what was that?

Oh, hi Darling.

You're home very early, aren't you?

MILLIE: Hi Rob!

Millie.

Well, I was just going.

Well don't go on my account Mil.

Well, we were just chatting.

Well, go ahead and chat.

I haven't heard girls chat for a long time.

Chat.

No, Millie and I will demonstrate our chatting

technique some other time.

Goodbye Millie.

Goodbye Laura.

Well, it certainly is nice to have you home early.

Is it?

Darling, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm just fine.

Why do you ask?

Well, I know it sounds kind of silly,

but your lips were very cold.

My lips are regular lip temperature.

It be your lips are running a fever.

Rob, are you sure you're all right?

I mean, did something happen down at the office?

Yes.

Something is always happening while I'm down at the office.

I'm going to lie down for a little while.

Millie, I think Rob suspects something.

Well, because he's been acting very strangely ever

since he got home last night.

Now I'm beginning to feel sorry I started this whole thing.

Well no, I can't stop now.

I wish I could, but I've gone too far with it already.

Well no, I don't know he knows.

I just think he knows.

Yeah, you may be right.

Might just be my imagination.

Gee Millie, I hope this is worth it.

I mean to go through all this deception just

for a few fleeting moments of excitement.

I don't know.

Boy, I tell you, the hardest thing in the world

is to give a surprise birthday party.

Why am I doing it?

Well because Millie, almost anything else I've give him

would wear out or get thrown away eventually.

And if I can pull this off, I'll be giving Rob something that'll

last him a long, long time.

No Millie, not indigestion.

Memories.

All right, shoot me.

I'm a sentimentalist.

Yeah.

Well listen Millie, I better hang up now.

Rob's liable to pop in any moment.

Good bye.

Rob!

Rob, Darling!

You'd better hurry if you're going to be at work on time.

ROB: I'm coming!

[yawn]

Oh, boy.

I must have really been tired last night.

How are you this morning, honey?

Fine, how are you?

Fine, what's for breakfast?

Well, what's your pleasure?

Oh, let's see.

Toast, scrambled, orange juice, cold cereal, and a warm hug.

Well, here's the warm hug.

Your juice and coffee are on the table.

The scrambleds are in preparation.

Get the cereal yourself please.

Hey, honey?

I'd like to apologize for being such poor company last night.

Yeah, what was the matter with you anyway?

Oh, nothing.

Just didn't feel too well.

I think I had one of those 24 hour things.

Feel great now.

Mommy, can I have my hard boiled egg,

mayonnaise and garlic press?

Yeah, they're on the table and the mayonnaise is in the bowl.

But how about a good morning first?

Oh yeah, good morning first.

Hard boiled egg, mayonnaise, and a garlic press?

Yeah, it's real neat.

Watch, Daddy.

I am watching.

Where did you learn this trick?

In school.

Our teacher showed us how to do it.

And I thought you weren't learning anything.

Want to do one Daddy?

Oh, yeah.

I've always enjoyed science and experimentation.

[inaudible] make chopped eggs.

Is that what we're making? Chopped eggs?

Uh huh.

Here, Daddy, want to taste it?

Yeah.

Just for science, anyway.

That's delicious.

Honey, hold my scrambled and make them hard boiled.

It's a little too late dear.

Maybe tomorrow.

You like this Daddy?

I love them, Ritch.

Good, now I know what to get you for your birthday.

Chopped eggs.

My birthday?

Ritch, Darling, how about some milk?

I already have some.

LAURA: Oh, so you have.

Honey, have I got another birthday coming up here again?

Why, yes.

Yes you do, come to think of it.

ROB: But what day is it?

Oh, gee, Darling.

I'm really not sure.

You have read trickle around Saturday on the calendar.

It says Rob's birthday.

Is that what it is?

I always make these little notes

and then forget to look at them.

Thanks for reminding me Ritch.

Honey, you buy anything for my birthday?

None of your business.

Well, if I guess, will you tell me?

No.

Planning any kind of a dinner or party or anything?

Why do you say that?

Honey, I don't want a cup and a half.

That only works on television.

I said are you planning any kind of a dinner or anything for me?

Well of course I'm planning some kind of a dinner

for you Darling.

Don't think I'd let you go hungry on your birthday,

do you?

Well, you never have.

No, well, as a matter of fact, I thought maybe

we'd three of us have a little cake for lunch,

and then maybe in the evening we'd call Buddy, and Sally,

and Billy, and Jerry, and maybe go out to some nice restaurant.

- Would you like that? - Well, yeah.

I'd like that even if it wasn't my birthday.

OK, we'll plan on that then.

You want me to ask Buddy and Sally?

No.

I mean, wouldn't look right for you to invite them, would it?

Well, I don't know. Why?

Well it would look like you were

giving yourself a testimonial.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

OK, I'll leave all the details up to you, Honey.

I'll just pretend like I don't know anything about it.

If you two don't hurry, you're going

to be late for work and school.

Oh, I don't want to be late for school.

We got a new teacher who hollers.

Bye Daddy.

Bye Ritch.

Bye Mommy.

LAURA: Bye.

I better hurry up too.

I got an old boss who hollers.

Coffee.

Bye Honey.

Millie?

Rob knows.

Well, because just now at breakfast,

he said are you planning some kind of a dinner party for me.

Oh, that man.

Why does he have to be so smart?

Well, I don't see how I can now.

He knows.

Oh, that's true.

He doesn't know what kind of party it's going to be.

Yeah, well I told him I'd ask you and Jerry,

and then I'd talk to Buddy and Sally.

Yeah, well I'll call Buddy and Sally at home now,

and then I'll call them at the office later when he's there.

We'll outsmart that smart aleck yet.

Bye Millie.

Hello, Sally?

Laura.

Listen.

- You go. - OK.

Coffee buddy?

Yeah, I'm on a special hard boiled egg diet.

Black for you Sal?

Yeah, and listen, if they have any

of almond paste sweet rolls with the honey nuts and raisins

on top, grab one for me.

Yeah, grab two for me.

I thought you said you were on a special hard boiled egg diet.

I am.

I can eat anything I want as long as I

eat a hard boiled egg with it.

That's why it's--

ALL: A special hard boiled egg diet.

Hey, don't talk about me while I'm gone.

Why do you suppose he said that?

Maybe he just don't want us to talk about him while he's gone.

Well how'd he know we were going to?

Are we?

Didn't Laura call you up this morning at home?

No, why?

Well she called me and she said she was going to call

you right after we hung up.

Oh, maybe she called right after I ducked out.

You know, got out in a hurry today.

My mother-in-law is spending a month with us

for a couple of days.

Now did you know that Rob is having a birthday this weekend?

Seems to me like he just had a birthday about a year ago.

Same time.

Most people do.

Oh yeah?

So how come you haven't had a birthday since--

That's because I only announce them once every other year.

Listen.

What do you think Laura called for?

Do you think she's going to give Rob

a surprise party or something?

How'd you know?

Well she wouldn't just call you up to have

you go buy him a present.

Well, that's true.

Ah, she'll never pull it off.

Oh, why do you say that?

Well look, I knew right away, and I didn't go to college

like Rob.

Yeah, well Laura knows Rob better than you and I,

and she thinks she can do it.

And besides, she's got a pretty original plan.

Yeah, what is it?

Now look.

Laura's going to call us both here while Rob is with us.

And she's going to invite us to this dinner party.

See?

Oh, and then we accept.

And instead of it being a small dinner party,

is a big surprise party.

Not a bad idea.

Yeah, but that's not it.

What, it's a good idea?

Yeah, well Laura's is better.

Now look.

When she calls us here to invite us, one of us

says we can't make it.

Why?

Because she says Rob suspects it's a surprise party.

But he won't suspect if he knows she

tried to arrange a plain dinner and couldn't

get all the people.

See?

I don't know.

Let me think about it.

You sure this isn't a surprise party for me?

No.

Now look.

When Laura calls, you tell her you can make it,

and I'll say I can't.

I can make it but you can't.

Yeah, good. Right.

Yeah, but wait a minute.

What if you get a call--

OK, come and get it.

Oh.

BUDDY: Oh boy, I'm hungry.

There was only one honey nut roll for Sally.

Oh, thank you Ron.

Yeah, there's yours.

And what do you want?

Do you want a bear claw or a bow tie?

Well, I'd rather have a rabbit's

foot and a pair of pants, but I'll take the bear claw.

Well, what did you guys do while I was gone.

Well, let's see.

I built a steam locomotive.

Sally knitted a tarpaulin for the infield

at the Yankee Stadium.

I was kind of hoping you guys discussed some opening

jokes for this week's show.

You know we only work when we're threatened.

What you have in mind for Alan?

Well I was thinking maybe it would be funny

if Alan told some jokes about how his wife was

trying to plan a surprise party for him,

but he knew all about it.

What-- what made you think of that?

Because Laura is in the process of doing

the same thing right now.

And it's pretty funny.

Yeah, how do you know?

Well, deductive reasoning and knowledge of the way

my wife's mind works.

And a little accidental eavesdropping.

Accidental?

Well, for the most part.

Yeah.

I came home last night and overheard she

and Millie talking about it.

And then I heard her on the phone

this morning talking about it.

Hey, she was going to call you two guys at home.

Did she? - Didn't call me?

Well, she called me and said she'd

like to have a plain dinner like Saturday or Sunday,

and she'd call me right back.

But she didn't say anything about keeping

it a secret from you.

She didn't?

No.

Oh, she's a cute one.

I know just what she's doing.

Well, I'm sure glad you do.

Because I don't.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hi Laura!

Yeah, we were just talking about that.

Well, have you decided when you'd like to give the dinner?

Oh, well why not Sunday?

Well it's just that I have these two tickets to a play

Saturday night and the--

no, I can't.

My Aunt Agnes is coming in from Connecticut,

and she's been looking forward to this outing

for a month and a half.

Oh, what a shame.

Well look, can't Millie and Jerry change their appointment?

Well, maybe next year.

Huh?

Yeah, he's here.

Yeah, I'll put him on.

Not you, Smiley.

She wants Buddy.

Hey, hey, I forgot.

What am I supposed to say?

Say yes.

Yes!

Saturday night?

Oh, sure.

There's no reason why Pickles and me

can't be there Saturday night.

Yeah, where?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey Laura, Rob is here.

Oh, you knew it, huh?

Rob, somebody wants to talk to you.

Wants to invite you for dinner.

I think.

I think it's your wife.

Oh, my wife!

Is that who you two guys have been talking to all this time?

Yeah.

Hi Honey.

Yeah, I heard that.

It's a shame Sal can't come.

Well, we'll just suffer along with three couples then,

I guess.

Mel?

I don't know, did you ask him?

Oh, you want me to ask him?

Sure.

Saturday night.

OK. Yeah, no.

I won't forget.

I'll ask Mel.

OK, goodbye.

Still think Laura is planning a surprise party?

Oh, isn't she?

Rob, if she were planning a surprise party,

she certainly wouldn't let you hear her inviting everybody.

Yeah, and she wouldn't have you inviting Mel.

No, that's just exactly what she would do.

You see, what she's doing in chess

is called the double reverse half

truth check your mate gambit.

I'm going to play right along with her and let her check

her mate. That's all.

Well, you may be right Sebastian.

But I think she's employing the old

I tried to give him a surprise party

but the rat found out about it, so I changed my plans bit.

I don't know which one you guys is right,

but there's a free meal in there some place, and I'm going.

Marge?

Would you please ask Mr. Coolidge to step in here

for just a moment Please?

Oh, this is going to be a thrill.

ROB: Thank you.

Yeah.

If my thinking is correct, when I invite Mel to the party

he will either accept or decline.

Brilliant deduction.

Depending on what my wife instructed him to say.

Now she instructed you to say yes, didn't she?

No.

Sally did.

Rob.

Do you think that Laura arranged for me and Aunt Agnes

to go see a play that night.

Oh, you guys are doing a good job.

Keep it up.

Now, if my guess is correct, Mel has been instructed by Laura

to say that he can't make it.

Yeah.

Why?

Well because only two couples have accepted to the party.

See?

That will make it seem much more like just a casual dinner

than a big surprise party.

Oh, thank you, Sherlock Holmes.

Now what do you think Mel is going to use for an excuse?

Well, something completely irreversible like two expensive

tickets to a Broadway show, or maybe a command

dinner party at Alan Brady's.

Do you want to see me Rob?

I've only got a second.

A second with you is like a year with an ugly mob.

Mel.

I just wanted to ask you if you and your wife

could come to our house for a dinner party on Saturday night.

Sure, we'd love to.

SALLY: Well, there you [inaudible]

There goes your double reverse checkmate Sebastian.

You mean you can join us?

Well sure.

Oh, I hope you don't mean this Saturday.

Why, you have something planned

for this Saturday night, huh?

Oh yes.

Alan Brady is expecting us for dinner.

Oh, yeah.

Well can't you-- could you make off?

Oh, I'd love to Rob.

But he wants to go to the concert afterward.

He used both excuses.

Well it's all right Mel.

I understand perfectly.

What's the occasion?

Oh, it's my wife.

She thinks my birthday should be celebrated

like a national holiday.

Your birthday?

Oh, what a shame.

Gee, I'd love to be there.

Well it's all right, Mel.

I'll tell you what.

If your plans change and you want

to come at the last minute, you're perfectly welcome.

Oh, fine. Thanks Rob.

Well, I've got to run now. - OK.

That's the best news since Armistice Day.

Well kids, have I got my wife figured out, or haven't I?

Well, it sure looks like you do.

Hey, would you explain it to me?

Only slowly, so I'll know if I'm supposed to yell surprise.

Yeah, you are supposed to yell surprise.

See, everybody who has said they can't make it to my house

Saturday night is going to make it to my house Saturday night.

Right Sal?

Rob, look.

See these two tickets?

Eighth row center.

And come Saturday night, I'm going

to be sitting in one of them.

Surprised!

Look, are you sure those don't belong to your Aunt Agnes?

Both of them?

Rob, my Aunt Agnes has more trouble

getting a date than I have.

I don't believe any of you guys.

I got a surprise party coming Saturday night.

I know it, you know it, we all know it.

So let's not spend any more time on it.

Shall we?

Oh, by the way.

One thing I would appreciate.

Don't tell Laura that I know all about it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Neither do I. All right, we won't tell Laura.

Now what are you going to do for us?

All right, when you jump out and say surprise,

I will react and be probably surprised.

OK?

Happy birthday, Darling.

What?

Huh?

I said happy birthday, Darling.

And here is the second in a series of surprises

I have prepared for you.

Oh, thank you, Honey.

This is just what I needed.

Hey, no pith, no pits, no peel.

Did you run this through a garlic press?

How'd you guess?

That's what I thought.

You know how good I am at guessing.

Yeah.

You said second in a series of surprises.

LAURA: Mhmm.

What's the first one?

You got it.

It's Saturday morning, and I let you sleep two extra hours.

See?

Ritchie's been bothering to come in all morning long.

Where is he?

He's with Millie and Jerry.

They have custody of him until noon.

How about the third in a series of surprises?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now sire, what do you desire for your royal birthday breakfast?

Name it your majesty, and it is but yours.

I shall have lox and bagels.

Oh, with fresh cream cheese?

[phone ringing]

ROB: I'll get it, Honey.

Uh, no!

Darling, don't do that!

I'll get it!

You go wash your royal face and brush your royal teeth

your majesty.

And hop to it please.

Your wish is my command, grace baby.

Hello?

Oh, hi Sally.

You can't come to the party?

Oh.

You mean you really can't make it?

You mean you really, really can't make it?

Oh, Sally.

Look, I know I must sound awfully mean asking you to come

all the way up here with a runny nose,

but gee, it's not going to be much of a party without you.

Well so far only Millie and Jerry.

No, Joe and Sadie have a bar mitzvah tonight.

Well, Mel said he'd try to make it up after the concert.

But we need people to yell surprise.

Well.

OK.

Listen, Sally, if you're feeling any better by this afternoon,

will you call me please?

OK.

Bye bye.

[grunting]

Who was that, Honey?

Sally.

What'd she want?

Oh, Rob.

Sally has a cold!

What?

I said Sally has a cold!

Honey!

Don't cry.

Sally's a big girl.

She'll beat that cold.

No Rob, you just don't understand.

I think I do, Honey.

No, you don't.

Honey, believe me, I do.

No, you don't!

Honey.

Oh, Rob, do you know what I have gone

through in the last few days?

I have worked, and arranged, and called, and I don't know what.

Just to give you a surprise birthday party.

And everything fell through.

Now you have to have a plain old stupid dinner party.

Honey.

Honey, don't cry.

Why shouldn't I cry?

I have a perfectly honest and good reason to cry,

and I'm going to cry.

?

Oh, Honey.

Honey, look.

If it'll make you feel any better,

I'm glad that the surprise part of it fell out.

Why?

Because Honey, I just couldn't have look properly surprised.

That's all.

I've known what your plans were since Monday.

Oh, you couldn't have.

Not really, no.

Believe me, Honey, I did.

How could you?

I just did, Honey.

What's the difference?

Ask Buddy and Sally if I didn't.

You knew everything?

Yes, Honey.

I knew everything.

I've lived with you long enough to know how that little mind

of yours works.

You only knew what I wanted you to know.

And how's that?

Well I let you know I was planning

a surprise birthday party.

And my idea was to make it look like no one could come

and then we'd go to a restaurant and have dinner.

That's right and everybody would

come to the restaurant at the dinner party and yell surprise.

Honey, I hate to tell you, but I knew

that was your plan all along.

You're just saying that.

No Honey, honest.

And look.

I want you to know that I'm just as

appreciative and touched this way, maybe more,

than if it had worked out.

Thank you, Honey.

You're welcome.

Boy, Rob.

You just wait till next year.

I'll surprise you on your birthday

if I have to do it three months early.

No, not three months early.

Three months late.

And that way you'd never guess.

Why don't you just skip a year and then

I'll forget my birthday?

Or maybe I'll give you a surprise party right now.

ALL: Surprise!

Open my present first.

That's a surprise and it's part of a surprise.

The present.

But listen, nothing more can surprise me after that.

This is probably a tie, right?

Just open it.

What's this?

A chauffeured limousine round trip ride from New Rochelle

to New York?

Hey, thanks Buddy.

It's what I've always wanted.

Good.

Here, open this one next.

Boy, is that heavy.

What's that?

A roll of quarters.

What is it?

Change for the West Side Highway for the tollbooth.

Thank you.

I never have any change when I want it Jerry and Mil.

I wish it could have been more.

Yeah, so do I.

Keep going, keep going.

Here it is. This is the tie.

Yeah, that's the tie. Go ahead.

OK. What's this?

Two tickets?

To the biggest hit on Broadway.

Eighth row center.

I thought these belonged to your Aunt Agnes.

So I lied.

Did you ever organize this right?

How do you like that?

A round trip chauffeured limousine from New Rochelle

to New York and back, money for the tollbooth,

and two tickets to a hit show.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! One more.

Oh, why thank you, Mel.

What is-- Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I know.

For my date.

Thank you.

Oh boy.

Hey.

Would you guys do one more thing for me?

Sure.

What?

Sing For He's a Jolly Good Fellow.

ALL (SINGING): For he's a jolly good fellow!

For he's a jolly good fellow!

For he's a jolly good fellow!

Which nobody can deny!