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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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What did you think of the dinner?
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Oh, it was very, uh, filling, nourishing.
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And, uh, good.
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You didn't eat very much of it.
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I'm sorry, honey.
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I've got a financial problem on my mind.
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Well, in that case, you'll be glad to hear
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that this delicious meal cost us $0.87, which I think
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makes it fantastic.
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$0.87?
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Yeah.
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Inexpensive cut of beef, left over string beans,
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cherry wine, a lot of wild herbs.
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You did like it, didn't you?
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Oh, yeah.
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It was the best 87 cent meal I've ever had.
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I got one planned for tomorrow night that I'm hoping
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to bring in for under $0.70.
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Chicken wings, fried rice, pearl onions,
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cream sauce, red radishes, and bread pudding.
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Boy, that sounds cheap.
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Honey, what's with all this bargain basement cooking?
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Bargain basement cooking?
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I call it creative cuisine.
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It's a way of expressing myself.
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And saving money?
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Yeah, that, too.
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Uh-huh.
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Have you, by any chance, been talking to our accountant?
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Well, as a matter of fact, dear, Sidney did call.
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And he said we're way over budget,
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not to spend anything for a while.
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I talked to him today, too.
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He wasn't talking about food.
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He just talking about things.
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[spring bouncing]
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We're not destitute.
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I know.
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But he did say not to buy anything
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we don't absolutely need.
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I even asked him about that broken spring you're fighting.
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He said to let the upholstery go for a while.
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Want some coffee?
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Can we afford it?
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Oh, Rob.
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I don't understand this, honey.
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I make a good living.
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Why is it we always have to cut corners?
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You know, when we were first married,
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we lived in a one room apartment on a lot less.
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Why didn't the money fly out the window then?
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Well, a lot more windows now.
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Cream is twice as expensive.
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Honey, what am I, anyway?
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A failure?
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Oh, good morning.
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Yuck.
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What are you complaining about?
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I was out with Herman Glimcher last night.
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You know something, fellas?
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BUDDY: What?
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I'm a failure.
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What brought you to that happy conclusion?
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I work hard, but I never have any money when I need it.
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So I must be a failure.
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Wait a minute.
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You're the head writer.
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If you're a failure, that would make me an assistant failure.
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And look at me.
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Rob, you're a failure.
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OK.
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What brought this on all of a sudden?
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No, wait. Wait.
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Let me guess.
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Uh, you either had a fight with Laura,
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or you got a curt note from the revenue department.
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Neither one.
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But I had such an argument with myself driving down here,
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I almost blew my top.
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Hey, speaking of blowing your top.
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Ta-da!
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Would you ask Rumpelstiltskin to crawl back up to his loft?
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Rob, our new sponsor is here to meet us.
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New sponsor?
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Yes.
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Darling Products bought half of our show for next season.
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Darling Products?
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Yes, the president wants to meet all the people
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connected with the show.
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What's his name, Mel?
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Jim Darling.
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Jim Darling.
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What kind of a name is that for a president?
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Hey, was he named after the products,
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or were the products named after him?
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Oh, I've seen him, Buddy.
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And the products were named after him.
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Yeah.
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Jim Darling.
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I think I know him.
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Well, of course, you do.
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His picture's been on magazine covers all year.
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I'll bring him in.
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I think I know him personally.
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Really?
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Jim Darling.
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Jim Darling.
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Hey, maybe it was Larry Lovely.
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Hold it, you guys.
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Won't you come in, Mr. Darling?
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These are our writers.
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Hi.
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Miss Sally Rogers.
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Oh, I love your products.
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- I love your attitude. - And this--
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I'm Buddy Sorrell.
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I-- I can't wait to see your name
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at the bottom of my paycheck.
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This is our head writer, Rob Petrie.
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Mr. Petrie.
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Jim Darling.
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Excuse me for staring at you, but I'm sure I know you.
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Well, of course, you do.
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He's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen.
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That a boy, Mel.
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Keep a simple tongue on his boots.
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You know, I think I know you, too.
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Of course.
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Do you remember a girl named Laura?
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Laura?
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Her last name was Laura Meehan.
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Laura Meehan.
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Oh, yes.
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Oh, yes.
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Uh, you-- do you know Laura?
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Know her?
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Well, you're talking about one of the great memories
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of my life. - I am?
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Uh-huh. Laura Meehan.
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Hmm. What a figure she had.
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You know, if I knew where she was,
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I'd propose to her right on the spot.
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Uh, whatever happened to her?
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Uh, I-- I married her.
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- Really? - Yeah.
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She likes me.
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You lucky dog. Listen.
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Listen.
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Is-- is she still, uh, as attractive?
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Oh, yes.
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Yes, she's very attractive.
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Very.
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Well, yeah, but, you know, older and, uh, very settled.
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I'd love to see her.
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Well, I'm sure she'd love to see you.
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Well, then, what should stop us?
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Listen.
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Why don't you all drop up to my penthouse tomorrow night?
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We'll break open some champagne and toast my
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sponsoring the show.
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Wonderful.
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And I'll get to see Laura Meehan again.
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Uh, Laura Petrie.
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Well, I'll always think of her as little Laura Meehan.
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Oh, well, I always think of her as big Laura Petrie.
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[laughter]
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Tomorrow night then?
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On behalf of our entire company,
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I accept with pleasure. - Wonderful.
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Wonderful.
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Uh, Mr. Darling, may I bring an escort?
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An escort?
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Well, you can bring an escort if you'd like,
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but I must inform you.
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I'm not married.
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I'm coming alone.
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Say, is this, uh, business or pleasure?
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Strictly pleasure.
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Good.
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I'll leave my wife home.
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Rob, you will bring Laura?
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Oh, uh, Jim, I, uh--
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I'll certainly check that.
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You, uh, never got married, huh?
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Well, how could I?
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You got my girl.
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I'll see you tomorrow night.
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Are you coming, uh, Cooley?
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Yes, Darling.
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Uh, Jim.
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Mr. Jim Darling.
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OK, fellas. What do you say?
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We get to work?
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That's a good idea.
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[sighing]
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Boy, what a doll.
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I say if you've got to have a sponsor, that's
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the kind of a sponsor to have.
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Hey, are you sure you two fellas have to go
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to that party tomorrow night?
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What are you trying to do?
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Narrow it down to just him and you?
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If possible, yes.
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I wonder if the janitor of a building
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is like the captain of a ship.
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What?
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I mean, can he marry us?
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I'd like a simple basement wedding,
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just the immediate help.
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Buddy, Rob.
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You two guys have to go?
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Why don't you stay home? - Look.
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I'm your friend, right?
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I can't say no when it comes to a sponsor.
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All right.
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How about you, Rob?
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Well, I-- uh, I could go.
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I know Laura would love to go.
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But I don't think she'll probably make it.
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Why not?
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Because I ain't going to tell her about it.
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Ow.
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Darn these dishes.
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What's the matter with them?
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Well, they're all chipped and cracked.
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As long as we're going to eat $0.70 meals, can't we at least
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eat off our good dinnerware?
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Well, darling, if we did that, then our good dinnerware
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would get chipped and cracked.
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And we'd have bad good dinnerware.
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Well, then why don't we buy some new everyday stuff?
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Well, I was going to, dear, but then Sidney called--
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I know. I know.
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Our accountant says we can't afford it.
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At least not for another month.
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Another month.
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I'd like to take every one of these
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and throw them in a trash can.
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Rob, how can you be so angry at our poor little dishes
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with the cute raspberries on them?
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Because these poor little dishes
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with the cute little raspberries on
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them are chipped and cracked.
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And every chip and crack reminds me of our sad financial state.
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That's what.
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Wow.
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What started you on that again?
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Oh, nothing.
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[coughing]
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Honey, uh, what are we doing tomorrow night?
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Bridge night with Millie and Jerry.
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We've disappointed them three weeks in a row.
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So I hope you haven't made other plans.
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No, sir.
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No.
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We committed ourselves to our good neighbors,
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and we're going to live up to that commitment.
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The world would be a lot better if everybody was committed.
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I mean-- if everybody lived up to their commitments.
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I mean, what's more important?
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Old friends or-- or very old friends?
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What on Earth are you talking about?
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Oh, nothing, honey.
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[phone ringing]
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Hello?
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Oh, hi, Sally.
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What am I wearing?
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To what?
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Who?
274
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:49,495
Yeah, sure.
275
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:50,696
Uh, Rob told me about it.
276
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:52,431
I just forgot for the moment.
277
00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:54,166
Uh, I haven't decided what to wear.
278
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,202
But, um, I'll call you and let you know, all right?
279
00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:57,236
Bye bye.
280
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,974
Say, guess who came into the office today.
281
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,214
Why didn't you tell me Jim Darling was in town?
282
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:09,649
- I did. - When?
283
00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:11,083
I asked you what we're doing tomorrow night, honey.
284
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:12,485
Why would I ask you that if it wasn't
285
00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:13,786
on account of Jim Darling?
286
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,488
- You never mentioned his name. - I didn't?
287
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:17,023
No.
288
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:18,391
Well, I mean, I asked you what we're going to do tomorrow
289
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:19,859
night.
290
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,060
You said we're playing bridge with Millie and Jerry.
291
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,862
And you-- and you said how important
292
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:24,030
it was to honor commitments.
293
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,231
No, you said that.
294
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:26,132
Yeah.
295
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,900
Yeah, I said that.
296
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,902
But I thought you'd probably rather, well,
297
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:32,104
play bridge than go to a stuffy old cocktail
298
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:35,408
party with, you know, an old flame.
299
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,542
Here, let me finish those dishes.
300
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:39,045
No, no, I can do it.
301
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,013
How's Jim look?
302
00:09:41,113 --> 00:09:44,750
Well, uh, old.
303
00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:47,486
Well, he's all, uh, gray around the temple area.
304
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:48,888
Gray at the temples, huh?
305
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:50,489
Well, not-- you-- not-- you wouldn't-- not
306
00:09:50,589 --> 00:09:51,824
that kind of gray.
307
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,225
You wouldn't want this-- it's got green in it.
308
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:58,097
Gee.
309
00:09:58,197 --> 00:09:59,398
You know, it's a shame we're busy tomorrow night.
310
00:09:59,498 --> 00:10:01,667
I'd really love to see him again.
311
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,169
You would?
312
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:06,405
Well, if you really want to go, we'll-- uh, we can go.
313
00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:07,573
Oh, I don't know, darling.
314
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,608
It might be uncomfortable for you.
315
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:11,110
Why-- why would it be uncomfortable for me?
316
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:12,612
I don't-- I won't be uncomfortable, honey.
317
00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:14,280
I know you love me.
318
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,616
I'll-- I'll call Jerry and Millie and tell them
319
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,384
that we'll, uh, play Friday.
320
00:10:18,484 --> 00:10:19,352
You mean it?
321
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,386
Well, sure.
322
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:21,887
I mean, he's anxious to see you.
323
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:23,823
And you're anxious to see him, aren't you?
324
00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:25,858
You sure you won't get insanely jealous
325
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:27,259
and sit in the corner and mumble?
326
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,995
Oh, come on, honey.
327
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:30,629
You know darn well I'm not a mumbler.
328
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:31,964
(MUMBLING) You want to go to a party,
329
00:10:32,064 --> 00:10:35,668
if I have to go to a party, [inaudible]..
330
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:36,636
What did you say?
331
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:37,637
Huh?
332
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:39,171
You were mumbling.
333
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:41,574
Oh, I said that I would like to go to the party, honey.
334
00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:42,508
Really, I would.
335
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:46,112
So, we'll-- we'll go.
336
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,347
Ritchie, what are you doing out of bed?
337
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:49,582
Can I have a drink of water?
338
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:50,850
Sure, darling.
339
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:51,784
Rich, why do you want a drink of water?
340
00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:53,252
Is your throat dry?
341
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:54,420
Yeah, it's dry.
342
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,488
Honey, did you hear what Rich said?
343
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,256
His throat's dry.
344
00:10:57,356 --> 00:10:58,190
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
345
00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,091
Oh, boy.
346
00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:00,292
Dry throat.
347
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,427
So?
348
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:02,695
Well, honey, do you think we ought
349
00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:03,729
to leave him with a sitter when he might
350
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:04,930
be brewing up something here?
351
00:11:05,031 --> 00:11:06,732
Oh, darling, it's probably nothing.
352
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,334
Yeah, well, I'll tell you that every--
353
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:12,571
all eight of his nasal cavities are clogged with [inaudible]..
354
00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:14,040
Yeah, they're all stuffed.
355
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,008
Can I stay home from school?
356
00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:18,344
Well, we'll see about that in the morning, young man.
357
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:19,545
Back to bed.
358
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:21,013
Honey, uh, you think, uh-- you know,
359
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:23,416
I better call Jim and, uh, tell him we can't make it.
360
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,483
Whatever you say, dear.
361
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:25,384
Well, you're right.
362
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:26,719
I'm going to call him.
363
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,854
He'll be disappointed he can't see, honey, but--
364
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,559
[exhaling]
365
00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:39,198
(MUMBLING) Save my marriage for another five years [inaudible]..
366
00:11:39,298 --> 00:11:40,466
Boy.
367
00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:41,901
(NORMAL VOICE) Hello?
368
00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:44,003
Uh, Mr. Jim Darling, please.
369
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,206
Jim?
370
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:48,474
Uh, Rob Petrie.
371
00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:49,375
Yeah.
372
00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:50,976
Hey, listen, Jim.
373
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:52,711
We would love to come to that little bash of yours tomorrow
374
00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:53,646
night.
375
00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:54,714
But our kid's sick.
376
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:56,449
Oh, no, nothing serious.
377
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,751
Just a little old nasal passages.
378
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:01,320
Yeah, all eight of them.
379
00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:03,089
Well, Jim, we-- we don't like to leave
380
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:04,990
him when he's feeling kind of under the weather, you know.
381
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:10,096
It might leave emotional scars or something like that.
382
00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:10,796
Well, I know.
383
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,131
Uh, listen.
384
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,365
Laura is going to feel awful. It's a shame.
385
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:14,567
She wanted so much to see you.
386
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,268
It is a pity you couldn't come up here.
387
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:22,842
I said, it's a pity you couldn't have, uh--
388
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:25,578
uh, uh, well, yeah, you can.
389
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:26,612
Listen, Jim.
390
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:27,947
It's a long, long drive up here.
391
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:29,081
It's-- you know, we're in--
392
00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:30,316
8:30?
393
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,084
Well, yeah.
394
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:35,154
So you'll bring the whole party right-- right up at our house.
395
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:35,888
Wonderful.
396
00:12:35,988 --> 00:12:37,189
Yeah, [inaudible], Jim.
397
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:38,190
Bye.
398
00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:43,496
Oh.
399
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,931
Who needs a handsome millionaire coming up here
400
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:48,000
examining my chipped dishes and my lumpy couch
401
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:51,170
and my married wife?
402
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,172
I never thought it would come to this.
403
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,608
Laura and I supported by one of her old boyfriends.
404
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,209
Yuck.
405
00:12:57,309 --> 00:12:58,744
Hi, honey!
406
00:12:58,844 --> 00:12:59,645
Hey.
407
00:12:59,745 --> 00:13:00,880
Honey, good news.
408
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,281
I called Jim.
409
00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:04,383
I talked him into bringing the whole party up here.
410
00:13:04,483 --> 00:13:05,518
Isn't that wonderful?
411
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:06,552
Huh?
412
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:15,060
Potato chips, corned curlies, wheat, whippies, peanut
413
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:16,462
pippies, and potato poopies.
414
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,568
Stuff gets cuter every year.
415
00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:29,708
Plenty of ice, cola, ginger ale, club soda.
416
00:13:29,808 --> 00:13:32,645
Clean glasses, nuts.
417
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:33,646
I checked everything.
418
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:34,914
Cigarettes, ice cubes, cola.
419
00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:35,814
Everything's perfect.
420
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:36,749
Good.
421
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:38,083
Kind of a shame, too.
422
00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:39,051
Why?
423
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,119
Because I'm calling off the party.
424
00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:41,820
You're not wearing that dress.
425
00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:43,522
What's wrong with this dress?
426
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:44,623
Well, honey, I--
427
00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:46,325
it's the fabrics.
428
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:47,993
What's the matter with the fabric?
429
00:13:48,093 --> 00:13:51,330
Well, there's not enough of it.
430
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:52,731
Honey.
431
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:55,467
You go in the other room and put on a nice conservative business
432
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:56,535
suit.
433
00:13:56,635 --> 00:13:57,770
Rob.
434
00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,638
I've worn this dress 100 times, and you
435
00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:00,973
never complained before.
436
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:02,541
Yeah, well, I've let you get away with it.
437
00:14:02,641 --> 00:14:03,475
That's all.
438
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:04,777
Oh, my goodness.
439
00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:05,945
[doorbell ringing]
440
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,446
I'll get that.
441
00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:10,683
You put on a sweater or a lumber jacket or something.
442
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:11,850
Hi. - Hi.
443
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,252
- Oh, it's you. - Oh, I'm sorry.
444
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,853
Next time, I'll try to be somebody more important.
445
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:16,088
No. I-- I was expecting--
446
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,723
I know. You were expecting your sponsor.
447
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:18,657
- Yeah. - Hi-ya, Laura.
448
00:14:18,757 --> 00:14:19,725
- Hi, Jerry. - Wow.
449
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:20,659
Hi, Millie.
450
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,361
Oh, you look so nice.
451
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:23,362
Thank you.
452
00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:24,430
You know, you're right.
453
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:25,931
It's better without the matching jacket.
454
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:28,667
What matching-- is there a matching jacket?
455
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,202
Where is the matching jacket?
456
00:14:30,302 --> 00:14:31,837
Now don't you dare cover up those beautiful shoulders.
457
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:33,372
You want to impress your sponsor, don't you?
458
00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:35,307
Uh, Jerry, how about a corn curly?
459
00:14:35,407 --> 00:14:36,675
Don't you have any potato poopies?
460
00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:37,710
[doorbell ringing]
461
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,646
Yes, they're potato poopies.
462
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:41,981
- Hi, Sal. - Hi, Rob.
463
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,415
- Hi, Rob. - Hi-ya, Sally.
464
00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:44,350
Hi, Buddy. Mel.
465
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,050
Hi.
466
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,085
[interposing voices]
467
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:47,553
How are you, Jim?
468
00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:49,288
Where do you want [inaudible] to put the party stuff?
469
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,956
Uh, right in the kitchen door, through there.
470
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:51,890
[chatter]
471
00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,926
Hello, Jim.
472
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:55,261
Laura Meehan.
473
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,395
Jim Darling.
474
00:14:56,495 --> 00:14:57,329
Darling?
475
00:14:57,429 --> 00:14:58,130
That's his name.
476
00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,032
She wouldn't call him that.
477
00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:01,233
It's so wonderful seeing you again.
478
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:03,335
Oh, Jim, it's wonderful seeing you, too.
479
00:15:03,435 --> 00:15:04,270
My goodness.
480
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:05,671
And if you get a few feet apart,
481
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,306
you can see each other better.
482
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,307
[laughter]
483
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:09,675
You know, you haven't changed a bit.
484
00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:11,110
If anything, you're more beautiful.
485
00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:12,077
Oh, thank you, Jim. And you are looking wonderful.
486
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:13,078
Look at that tan, Rob.
487
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:14,346
Hey, Jim, come here.
488
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:16,148
I want you to meet some wonderful people.
489
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,950
This is Jerry and Millie Helper, our neighbors.
490
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:18,884
Jerry, how are you?
491
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,185
Nice to meet you.
492
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:21,387
And this is our new sponsor, Jim Darling.
493
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:22,087
Wait a minute.
494
00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:23,055
Let's get that right.
495
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:24,089
Jim, our darling sponsor.
496
00:15:24,189 --> 00:15:25,858
Come on, everyone, sit down.
497
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:26,859
Oh, OK.
498
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:27,793
Well, uh, Laura--
499
00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:28,761
Hey, Jim, sit here.
500
00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:32,097
This is more comfortable.
501
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:34,366
[spring bouncing]
502
00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:36,969
Well, uh, Buddy, where's, uh, Pickles?
503
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:38,304
She's taking a course in cooking.
504
00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:39,104
She stayed home.
505
00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:42,541
She's rehearsing breakfast.
506
00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:44,009
This is a lovely home you have here.
507
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,144
Well, thank you.
508
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,545
That's, uh, my favorite Picasso.
509
00:15:46,645 --> 00:15:47,680
I have it, also.
510
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:48,814
Oh, you have one of those prints?
511
00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:49,715
Well, uh-- [laughing]
512
00:15:49,815 --> 00:15:51,383
He has the original.
513
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:52,518
Oh.
514
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,520
Oh, well, uh, a print has a lot of advantages.
515
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,323
If the house blows up, I'm only out two bucks.
516
00:15:57,423 --> 00:15:58,057
[laughter]
517
00:15:58,157 --> 00:16:00,559
Oh, thank you.
518
00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:01,794
Thank you.
519
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:02,995
I hope you find it satisfactory, sir.
520
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:04,196
I didn't have time to chill properly.
521
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:05,864
I'm sure it'll be all right, Edward.
522
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:06,799
Wonderful lad.
523
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,033
Does everything for me.
524
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,201
I don't know what I'd do without him.
525
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:10,336
Yeah, I, uh, know what you mean.
526
00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:12,004
I feel the same way about Walter.
527
00:16:12,104 --> 00:16:13,439
- Who's Walter? - Oh, Walter.
528
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,307
He's been with us for years, like part of the family.
529
00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:17,910
Well, where have you been hiding him?
530
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:19,645
Walter is the man who comes in once a month
531
00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:20,713
to do the woodwork.
532
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:21,947
Yeah.
533
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:23,015
I don't know what I'd do without him.
534
00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:24,216
Oh, is that his name?
535
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,618
He does our windows.
536
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,454
Rob's such a kidder.
537
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,522
Well, uh, Jim, how long are you going to be in town?
538
00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:31,357
Not long.
539
00:16:31,457 --> 00:16:32,925
I'm due in Australia very soon.
540
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,393
Oh, wonderful.
541
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,028
Well, I mean, you know, Australia's beautiful this time
542
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,496
of the week.
543
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,765
MEL: Oh, by the way, Jim, your plane tickets will be
544
00:16:39,865 --> 00:16:40,833
on your desk tomorrow morning.
545
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:41,767
Fine, thank you.
546
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:42,768
No trouble at all.
547
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,203
Let's see.
548
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:45,804
Australia, Bangkok, and then right on to Hong Kong.
549
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:46,872
All jets.
550
00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:48,107
And that'll get me in Hong Kong
551
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:49,641
just in time for the Chinese New Year.
552
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,977
Gee, imagine being in Hong Kong for Chinese New Year's.
553
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:54,279
It must be exciting to make trips like that.
554
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,715
I'm planning a long trip next month with Laura.
555
00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:57,649
Oh, really?
556
00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,218
Where are you going?
557
00:16:59,318 --> 00:17:00,652
Well, uh, Jim, the, uh, first leg of the trip will take us
558
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:04,123
to White Plains and then Mount [inaudible],, Peekskill,
559
00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:05,924
right into [inaudible],, and that'll get us to, uh,
560
00:17:06,024 --> 00:17:07,693
Grossinger's in time for Hanukkah.
561
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:09,061
[laughing]
562
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,729
[phone ringing]
563
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:14,633
Hello?
564
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:15,567
Yes, he is.
565
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:16,502
Just a moment, please.
566
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:18,070
Jim, it's for you. Long distance.
567
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:19,671
Melbourne. MILLIE: Australia?
568
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,006
Wow.
569
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,274
I hope you don't mind I gave them your number.
570
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:23,208
No.
571
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:25,511
I like Australia to have my number.
572
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:26,245
Yes, this is he.
573
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,546
I'm ready, Australia.
574
00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:28,480
Hello? Yes.
575
00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:29,982
What's the good news, Sir Douglas?
576
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:31,884
Hey, Sir Douglas, how about that?
577
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:34,620
A man with a title talking to a house with a mortgage.
578
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,188
Now that's democracy.
579
00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:38,724
Well, it was nice to hear your voice again.
580
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,125
Uh-huh.
581
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,327
Yes, well, I've talked to my associates in London.
582
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,563
And we'll take, uh, 32,000 more shares.
583
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:46,198
Boy, that's what I call real class.
584
00:17:46,298 --> 00:17:47,199
A guy talks long distance.
585
00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:48,233
He don't even holler.
586
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:49,168
Uh, regards to Lady Pembroke.
587
00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:50,335
Right. Bye bye.
588
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:51,470
I'm sorry, Rob. - Sorry?
589
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,704
Listen.
590
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,273
When news of that phone call gets out on the street,
591
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:58,010
real estate values are going to go sky high.
592
00:17:58,110 --> 00:17:58,944
Say, I, uh--
593
00:17:59,044 --> 00:17:59,878
reminds me.
594
00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:01,480
I've got to call Sidney.
595
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:02,648
Oh, Australia?
596
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:03,482
No.
597
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,517
Sidney Blakeman, my accountant.
598
00:18:05,617 --> 00:18:07,152
He's going to buy me about 32,000 shares of--
599
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:08,120
Rob, potato poopies.
600
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:09,855
Of potato poopies, yeah.
601
00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:11,090
Just one.
602
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,291
I've got to watch my figure, you know.
603
00:18:12,391 --> 00:18:13,559
Here. I'll take some of those, honey.
604
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:14,359
I can handle them.
605
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,727
Uh, tennis, golf, handball.
606
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:16,929
That's what keeps me trim.
607
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,464
I wish I had time for those things.
608
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:20,265
Well, a man like you should take time
609
00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:23,769
for things like tennis and golf and marriage.
610
00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:25,571
Well, I don't care much for tennis or golf,
611
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,105
but I'd get married in a minute if I could
612
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,273
find another girl like Laura.
613
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:30,008
How about another girl like Sally?
614
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:30,943
Another girl?
615
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,611
How about Sally?
616
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:34,480
I'll have some more of those, Laura, darling.
617
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:35,781
Laura Darling.
618
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:37,616
Hey, that would have been her name if she married you.
619
00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:38,817
Laura Darling.
620
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:40,352
And everything would have been entirely different.
621
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,887
And Lady Pamela would be right here in this room
622
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:45,424
eating corn poopies and potato curlies and everything.
623
00:18:45,524 --> 00:18:47,693
[inaudible] floating out on a boat out in the Mediterranean.
624
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,396
And you've have been thrown overboard by now.
625
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:52,931
Hey Jim, do you own a yacht?
626
00:18:53,031 --> 00:18:54,433
Just a small one, yeah.
627
00:18:54,533 --> 00:18:55,501
Jim.
628
00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:56,568
Jim, how do you get to be so successful?
629
00:18:56,668 --> 00:18:58,303
I mean, is there a magic formula?
630
00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:00,372
Well, I don't think there's any one formula for success.
631
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,407
It's a combination of luck and persistence
632
00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:03,675
and the willingness to gamble.
633
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:06,345
And rich relatives.
634
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:10,015
Well, Jim, as I remember--
635
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,783
your parents weren't wealthy, were they?
636
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,418
No, as a matter of fact, they weren't.
637
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,786
Dad had a little grocery, and I was born
638
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,488
right in the back of the store. - Oh, is that--
639
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:18,157
I-- did I ever tell you, I was born in the back
640
00:19:18,257 --> 00:19:19,591
of a grocery store, too? - Oh, really?
641
00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:20,993
Yeah, it was because we didn't have
642
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:21,994
a front of a grocery store.
643
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,462
[laughter]
644
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:25,831
Well, we were, uh, really pretty poor in those days.
645
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:26,899
Things were pretty tough.
646
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,233
Very poor. - Yeah.
647
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,468
You think you were poor.
648
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:31,336
My family was so poor, the church mouse
649
00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:33,005
lived in our house.
650
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:36,208
Jim, wasn't, uh--
651
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:37,576
your father was the first to carry
652
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,411
frozen foods in his grocery store, wasn't he?
653
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:40,812
That's right. He was one of the first.
654
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,514
Uh, there weren't too many freezers in those days.
655
00:19:42,614 --> 00:19:43,882
So we had to scrape a little money together,
656
00:19:43,982 --> 00:19:45,817
and we bought some freezers and rented them out.
657
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:46,718
And we were on our way.
658
00:19:46,818 --> 00:19:48,153
Oh, this is exciting.
659
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:51,557
Yeah, it's a regular Horatio Algae story.
660
00:19:51,657 --> 00:19:53,158
Alger.
661
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,893
Algae's that junk at the bottom of a fishtank.
662
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:02,134
So, uh, then what happened, Jim?
663
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:03,902
Well, uh, we went into some other appliances.
664
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:06,238
You know, diversified, and then we went international.
665
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:07,773
I guess that's about it.
666
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,908
Gee, the-- the whole thing started with freezers, huh?
667
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,844
Yeah, man, that's cool, huh?
668
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:14,046
You know, something, Jim?
669
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:15,314
Jerry's a guy a lot like you.
670
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:16,648
You know, trying new things all the time.
671
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:19,051
He's the dentist in our block to play Mantovani
672
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,085
records while he's drilling.
673
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:21,653
Yeah, that-- that's right.
674
00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:23,422
Oh, of course, it's nothing compared to what you've done,
675
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:24,156
Jim.
676
00:20:24,256 --> 00:20:25,490
Oh, I'll second that.
677
00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:27,392
Boy, for a man of his age and handsomeness,
678
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,361
he's accomplished more than anybody I know.
679
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:30,562
Oh, I don't know about that.
680
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:31,830
Uh, would anyone like some coffee?
681
00:20:31,930 --> 00:20:33,065
Yes.
682
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,132
As a matter of fact, I could use a cup.
683
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,100
I'll get it, honey.
684
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,401
I-- I'll help you, Laura.
685
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:38,136
Sally, I said I'm going to get it.
686
00:20:38,236 --> 00:20:40,272
Oh, boy, are you going to get it.
687
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,476
See you later.
688
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:45,844
- Thank you for a nice evening. - Good night.
689
00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:46,979
Hey, Rob.
690
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,547
Hey, thanks for the corn curlies.
691
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:50,082
Very interesting evening.
692
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:51,316
Bye. - Goodnight, Sal.
693
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,451
- Goodnight, Sal. - Goodnight, Laura.
694
00:20:52,551 --> 00:20:53,318
It was wonderful seeing you again.
695
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:54,653
Thank you, Jim.
696
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:56,254
Rob, thank you so much for your hospitality.
697
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:58,590
Uh, Jim, are you still going to sponsor our show?
698
00:20:58,690 --> 00:20:59,491
Well, sure.
699
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,225
Why not?
700
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,994
Well, I thought--
701
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,028
uh, good luck, Jim.
702
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:03,962
Good night, Rob.
703
00:21:04,062 --> 00:21:04,863
Good night, Laura.
704
00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:06,832
Good night.
705
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,301
Uh, take it easy.
706
00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:10,202
Good night.
707
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:13,338
That's-- bye.
708
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:14,539
They're gone.
709
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,579
I'll, uh, get these in.
710
00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:49,107
Well.
711
00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:51,977
Thank you very much.
712
00:21:52,077 --> 00:21:53,278
For what?
713
00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:55,947
Thank you for what you did for me tonight.
714
00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:57,349
What are you talking about?
715
00:21:57,449 --> 00:21:58,850
You know very well what I'm talking about.
716
00:21:58,950 --> 00:22:02,087
Thank you for making this party a disaster.
717
00:22:02,187 --> 00:22:04,122
I turned it into a disaster?
718
00:22:04,222 --> 00:22:05,090
You certainly did.
719
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:06,458
What did I do?
720
00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:07,459
What did you--
721
00:22:07,559 --> 00:22:08,694
you're my wife, aren't you?
722
00:22:08,794 --> 00:22:09,961
So far.
723
00:22:10,062 --> 00:22:11,163
All right.
724
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,031
As long as you're my wife, will you
725
00:22:13,131 --> 00:22:14,700
please try and act like a wife?
726
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:15,834
What?
727
00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:17,536
When I'm sick, you take care of me, don't you?
728
00:22:17,636 --> 00:22:19,504
You-- you cold compresses, and you give me a thermometer
729
00:22:19,604 --> 00:22:21,006
and a hot chicken soup.
730
00:22:21,106 --> 00:22:23,141
Where were you when I needed you tonight?
731
00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:25,010
You weren't sick tonight.
732
00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:26,178
Oh, no?
733
00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:28,113
Don't you call paranoia a sickness?
734
00:22:31,416 --> 00:22:32,250
Paranoia?
735
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:33,618
Yeah, paranoia.
736
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:36,955
Persecution complex, insecurity, fear and envy.
737
00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:38,190
Oh, boy.
738
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:40,625
A good wife doesn't treat paranoia
739
00:22:40,726 --> 00:22:44,296
going around asking people if they want a potato poopy.
740
00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:45,864
Well, what did you want me to do?
741
00:22:45,964 --> 00:22:47,499
Well, honey, if you really wanted to help me,
742
00:22:47,599 --> 00:22:49,067
you should have done something dramatic.
743
00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:52,471
Poured hot coffee on me or set my hair on fire, anything.
744
00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:54,439
You only did one good thing this evening,
745
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:55,807
and that was to prove to that millionaire
746
00:22:55,907 --> 00:22:58,844
with his hand-sewn shoes, his cashmere socks,
747
00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:01,546
how lucky he was not to be married to a wife who would
748
00:23:01,646 --> 00:23:02,781
stand there and let her husband make
749
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:04,983
a complete jackass of himself.
750
00:23:07,619 --> 00:23:10,255
You mean, you were really aware of what you said.
751
00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:11,857
Aware?
752
00:23:11,957 --> 00:23:14,993
Never in my 30-odd years of life have I ever been so embarrassed
753
00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,862
and humiliated and ashamed.
754
00:23:16,962 --> 00:23:18,530
You know, you could have taken me aside
755
00:23:18,630 --> 00:23:19,865
and quietly whispered to me that I
756
00:23:19,965 --> 00:23:21,867
have things that that millionaire hasn't got.
757
00:23:21,967 --> 00:23:23,935
I've got a nice house and a charming son
758
00:23:24,035 --> 00:23:26,438
and a beautiful wife.
759
00:23:26,538 --> 00:23:27,773
Right now, if you had any compassion,
760
00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:29,775
you'd put your arms around me and tell me
761
00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:31,910
that you're as sorry for me as I am for myself.
762
00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:37,549
Darling, I am.
763
00:23:37,649 --> 00:23:39,217
Oh, honey, the next time I start
764
00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:42,387
to put my foot in my mouth, will you please stop me?
765
00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:44,122
Well, I'm not sure.
766
00:23:44,222 --> 00:23:45,090
What do you mean?
767
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:46,625
It's kind of interesting.
768
00:23:46,725 --> 00:23:49,461
Very flattering to see a man destroy himself for the love
769
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:50,896
of a beautiful woman.
770
00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:55,500
Don't press your luck.
771
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:10,682
[dishes breaking]
772
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:13,218
Rob, what on Earth are you doing?
773
00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:14,953
What does it look like?
774
00:24:15,053 --> 00:24:16,621
You're breaking our dishes. But why?
775
00:24:16,721 --> 00:24:18,023
Just because some of them are chipped?
776
00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,058
No, because the chips and cracks in these dishes
777
00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:22,661
are the living symbols of my financial insecurity.
778
00:24:22,761 --> 00:24:25,931
And I don't like them around mocking me at mealtime.
779
00:24:26,031 --> 00:24:27,532
You mean, you'd feel more financially
780
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,201
secure if we defied our accountant
781
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:30,235
and bought new dishes?
782
00:24:30,335 --> 00:24:31,937
Very much.
783
00:24:32,037 --> 00:24:32,938
Go.
784
00:24:35,507 --> 00:24:37,108
[dishes breaking]
785
00:24:45,183 --> 00:24:48,920
[music playing]
53335
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