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[theme song]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show" Starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Mr. Thompson, I am merely
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asking that you tell us whether or not
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you saw the defendant leave the building
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on the night in question.
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): Well, I'm not 100% sure.
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You watch him go after him now.
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He's the murderer.
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Oh, Rob, don't spoil it for me.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Well, would you say you are 90% sure?
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): I--
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I don't know.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): 80%?
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70?
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60? 40?
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10%
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): I--
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I don't know how many percent.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): May I remind
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you, Mr Thompson, that the defendant
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is on trial for his life.
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100% of it.
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[audience murmurs on tv]
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[phone ringing] [judge bangs gavel on tv]
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Rob, would you get it, please? I don't want to miss this.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Mr. Thompson, just a few moments
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ago, you stated that Theodore Hendrix
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was a client of your fathers. - Hello?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Is that correct?
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Who?
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MR. THOMPSON (ON TV): Yes, it is.
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Honey, will you turn the set down?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Is it also
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true that Theodore Hendrix, besides being a client--
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Wait, just a second.
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): --also married
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to your first wife's sister?
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Thanks.
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Hello.
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Oh, hi, Buddy, what's new?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): Was a member of the Exchange
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Commission that held-- - What?
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Ssh.
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Oh, I don't believe it.
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What are you kidding me?
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DEFENSE ATTORNEY (ON TV): --the night in question.
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Yeah, you do sound serious.
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Buddy, where are you right now?
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Look, Buddy, why don't you come out here?
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Before you do anything foolish, why--
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just Laura and I.
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Rob, what is it?
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Honey.
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Buddy, I've got my bathrobe on.
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Why don't you-- all right, all right.
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Just calm down.
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Now where are you?
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A bar.
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Buddy, what are you doing at a bar?
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You don't drink.
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All right, all right.
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147 east, OK.
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Now just take it easy, will you Buddy?
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Well, about 45 minutes.
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Take it easy.
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All right, bye.
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Rob, what is it?
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Oh, god that's incredible. I don't believe it.
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- Rob, what? - Honey, please.
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Rob, you're not going anywhere until you
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tell me what's incredible and what you don't believe.
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Laura, Buddy left his wife.
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He's going to get a divorce.
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I don't believe it.
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Buddy left Pickles!
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[music playing]
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- Some guys took-- - Hello, beg your pardon.
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Oh, yes, sir.
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What'll it be?
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Nothing to drink.
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Oh, we don't serve any food.
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Oh, don't you?
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We used to, but nobody ever asked for any.
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If I had a nickel for all the spoiled tuna fish I threw away,
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I could be another Bernard Farrukh.
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That's a shame.
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Look, my name's Rob Petrie.
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Oh, my name is Steve Longfellow.
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Like the poet.
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How are you?
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Glad to see you. - Fine, thanks.
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Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
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I had a big lunch.
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I left the cheese sandwich over.
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I'll let you have it just as an accommodation.
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Don't worry about it.
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Won't charge you nothing for it.
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That's very, very nice of you.
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It's my pleasure.
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It's on the house.
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Yes, thank you very much.
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Was there a man here looking for me?
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What did he look like?
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Well, short, dark.
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Short, dark.
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Yeah, there was a short, dark guy.
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He was sitting right over there for about an hour all
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by himself drinking tomato juice,
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and saying things like, oh, boy.
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Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
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That's him all right.
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Where is he now?
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I don't know.
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All of a sudden, he got up and ran out of here.
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Well, do you think he'll be back?
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I hope so.
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He ain't paid me for the tomato juice.
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Anyway, that's his coat hanging up over there.
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Oh, good.
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Look, I'll-- I'll just sit over here and wait for him.
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Is it all right with you? - Fine, sit.
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Hey, you forgot your cheese sandwich.
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Oh.
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BARTENDER: And I'll tell you what I'll do.
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That's kind of dry, you know what I mean?
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Mhm.
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It's liable to be a little dry.
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I'll give you something to wash it down.
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A little-- a little-- water.
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Oh, thank you very much.
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Oh!
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Oh.
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Oh, I'm-- terribly sorry.
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This is a brand new dress.
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Oh, I didn't see where I was going there.
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Here, I haven't got a cloth.
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I'm sorry.
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Just wait, wait, wait.
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Hold on.
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Wait a minute, wait a minute.
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Wait, my cufflink's caught in your--
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if anybody saw us, and came in, and-- oh!
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Somebody saw us.
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Let's go, Sheila.
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Goodbye, Sheila.
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That was so unfair.
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Isn't that your friend coming in?
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Oh, yeah.
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Buddy, where have you been?
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Oh, Rob, I'm sorry.
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I went back to the apartment.
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Do you think I to leave my cello in the same house with that--
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Whoa, Buddy.
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Buddy, calm down.
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Try to pull yourself together.
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Bartender, two tomato juices, please.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, plenty of Tabasco, lemon, and pepper
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in mine. Boy oh boy.
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You never know.
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You never know, boy.
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Buddy, what happened?
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What happened? What happened?
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You want to know what happened?
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I'll tell you what happened.
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She's no good, that's what happened.
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Buddy, you're not making any sense.
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I'm making plenty of sense.
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Come on, where's that--
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where's the tomato juice?
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Yes, it's coming right up.
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Buddy, Buddy, will you just calm
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down please, and tell me what happened.
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BUDDY: Where's my tomato juice?
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Coming.
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Buddy, for heaven's sakes, what did she do?
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You want to know what she did?
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She's no good.
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That's what she did.
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Buddy, I think you're exaggerating.
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I'm not exaggerating.
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Where's that tomato juice?
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BARTENDER: Coming right up.
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I'll be right back.
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This guys' the biggest crab in the world.
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I don't know.
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Where's that tomato juice?
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BARTENDER: Coming right up.
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Here's your tomato juice, sir.
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Right here.
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Here you are.
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Just a minute.
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And leave that peppermill here.
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But I put plenty of pepper--
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Leave it, buddy.
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Bartender, leave it. I'll watch him.
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Yeah.
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Buddy, look, you asked me to come down here, and help you.
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Now I cannot help you if you don't tell
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me what the problem is.
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I told you what the problem is on the phone.
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You said you wanted a divorce.
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- Yeah, yeah. - Why?
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Why?
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Because she's a lying, cheating, thieving, conniving--
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Oh, Buddy come on.
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I know your wife pretty well.
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You never know them until you get married to them.
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You've had just about enough.
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Oh.
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You'll ruin your stomach.
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So what?
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She ruined my life, that Jezebel.
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Jezebel?
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Yeah, Jezebel, and Marie Antoinette, and Lizzie
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Borden, and Captain Bligh, and all the--
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What did she do?
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What did she do?
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You know what she did, huh?
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I'll tell you what she did.
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All right, you want to know? Here.
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Here's what she did.
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There.
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What am I looking at?
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You're looking at a bunch of canceled checks
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all made out to the same guy.
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Floyd B. Bariscale.
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Yeah.
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Who's Floyd B. Bariscale?
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That's the reason I'm suing for divorce.
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Floyd B. Bariscale.
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Yeah. - You mean?
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Yeah, yeah.
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My wife, and pretty boy Floyd.
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Oh, my gosh.
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[music playing]
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[tv static]
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Rob?
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Hi, honey.
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Why aren't you in bed?
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I was waiting up for you.
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What time is it?
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Oh, 3:30, you should have waited in bed.
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Oh, well, I couldn't sleep.
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I keep thinking about Buddy.
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Well, what was it, darling?
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Was it a false alarm?
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No, it was the real thing.
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It was a six alarmer, out of control, and burning furiously.
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You mean Buddy's serious?
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Serious?
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Honey, I sat there with him for five hours.
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There was a bald bartender, he didn't make one crack.
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Aw, fine.
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You should have seen that poor, little guy.
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All broken up.
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I took him to a hotel so he could get some sleep.
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Rob, what's this all about?
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What happened?
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I'll tell you what happened.
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Pickles is no good, that's what happened.
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Pickles?
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What did she do?
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Honey, there are many ways you can put it,
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but let's just say she's been taking Buddy for a ride.
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You mean another man?
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That's right.
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Unless her uncle's name is Floyd B. Bariscale.
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00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:12,058
Floyd B. Bariscale?
272
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,093
Who's he?
273
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:17,163
The sticky point on an obtuse triangle.
274
00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:18,664
Grounds for divorce.
275
00:08:18,764 --> 00:08:20,366
I don't believe it.
276
00:08:20,466 --> 00:08:21,868
Well, Buddy has got a whole fistful
277
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:25,338
of canceled checks to the name of Floyd B. Bariscale.
278
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,273
Rob, it just doesn't make any sense.
279
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:28,875
I mean, we were with them last night,
280
00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:30,810
and Buddy was insulting Pickles, and she
281
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:32,345
was screaming, and yelling at him,
282
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:36,082
and everything was perfectly normal.
283
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,416
That's right.
284
00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:39,418
Well, things aren't perfectly normal today because Buddy
285
00:08:39,518 --> 00:08:40,520
asked me to get him a lawyer.
286
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:41,888
Oh, Rob, you didn't.
287
00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:44,523
Yeah, I recommended our neighbor, Arthur Calloway.
288
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:45,992
Oh, Rob, why?
289
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:47,727
Because honey, Buddy is serious.
290
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,529
No, why didn't you make me my cousin Johnny?
291
00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:52,398
He's every bit as good a--
292
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:53,933
what am I saying?
293
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,903
Well, anyway, I'm sure they're not ready for lawyers.
294
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:58,371
Honey, according to Buddy, they should
295
00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,906
have had a lawyer years ago.
296
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,774
He told me some things that would have curled your hair.
297
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:02,842
Pickles is no good.
298
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,744
Buddy's doing the right thing.
299
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,646
You sounds so bloodthirsty, Rob.
300
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,014
It's not like you.
301
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:11,083
Oh, honey, what she did to that poor schnook.
302
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:13,352
Well, I'll just never believe that all the things
303
00:09:13,452 --> 00:09:14,787
you say about Pickles is true.
304
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:15,821
-
305
00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:17,690
Honey, you weren't there with Buddy.
306
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:20,426
She's a deceitful, dishonest woman, and Buddy is right.
307
00:09:20,526 --> 00:09:21,761
I agree with him.
308
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,629
I hope you didn't agree with him out loud.
309
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:24,897
Well, why shouldn't I?
310
00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,299
It's true.
311
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,434
You said to Buddy that his wife
312
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:30,202
was deceitful and dishonest?
313
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,105
Well, you should have heard his description of her.
314
00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:35,274
Darling, he can say all the nasty things
315
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:36,242
he wants to about her.
316
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:37,476
She's his wife.
317
00:09:37,576 --> 00:09:38,811
Are you defending her?
318
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:41,981
Look, Rob, I once held a sobbing friend's hand,
319
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,716
and just to make her feel better,
320
00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:46,118
I agreed with her that her husband was a bore, and a wolf,
321
00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:47,486
and he was.
322
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,122
But she made up with him, and she never spoke to me again.
323
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,794
Well, Buddy--
324
00:09:54,894 --> 00:09:56,295
Buddy'll never go back to Pickles.
325
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:57,630
I'm sure of that.
326
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,398
No, never.
327
00:09:59,498 --> 00:10:00,700
No, he never.
328
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,970
[music playing]
329
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:07,773
[telephone rings]
330
00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:10,710
Hello?
331
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,111
Oh, hi, Laura.
332
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,746
Listen, I'm sorry to be calling you at this hour,
333
00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:15,848
but I just got a hysterical phone call from Pickles.
334
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:18,184
Would you or Rob know where he might be?
335
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,385
Who's that?
336
00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:22,254
Well, yeah, Rob was with Buddy about an hour ago.
337
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,556
Just a minute, I'll put him on.
338
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:24,690
Sally.
339
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:25,725
Pickles is trying to locate Buddy.
340
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:26,759
Oh, hi, Sal. What is it?
341
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:28,094
Hi Rob. Where's Buddy?
342
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,195
ROB (ON PHONE): Well, he's in a hotel.
343
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,129
Why?
344
00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:31,364
Well, what's he doing at a hotel?
345
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,632
Sal, didn't Pickles tell you?
346
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:33,733
Well, all she said was
347
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,301
[imitates sobbing]
348
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:37,370
and all I could make out of that was
349
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,404
that they had a little spat.
350
00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:39,939
A little spat?
351
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:42,208
Didn't Pickles tell you about the divorce.
352
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:43,142
What divorce?
353
00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:44,477
ROB (ON PHONE): Buddy and Pickles.
354
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:45,778
Didn't she tell you?
355
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:47,580
Well, no she was too hysterical to talk.
356
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,315
All she kept saying is "where is he?"
357
00:10:49,415 --> 00:10:50,549
"Why doesn't he call?"
358
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,851
"What's happened to him?"
359
00:10:51,951 --> 00:10:53,586
Gee, she sure didn't sound like somebody who
360
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:55,021
wanted to divorce her husband.
361
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,522
Well, Sal, if she wants to call him,
362
00:10:56,622 --> 00:10:58,124
I have the telephone number at the hotel.
363
00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:00,726
Well, look, Rob, why don't you call her, and give it to her?
364
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,795
At least you can tell her you saw him alive.
365
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,497
I think you better call her, Rob.
366
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:05,831
Well, all right. I'll call her.
367
00:11:05,931 --> 00:11:07,533
I shouldn't though after what she did him.
368
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:08,667
Oh, Rob.
369
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,202
SALLY (ON PHONE): What did she do?
370
00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:12,538
Buddy found out that Pickles is leading a double life.
371
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:13,939
Oh, well, so long, Rob.
372
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,474
ROB (ON PHONE): So long.
373
00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:16,876
Double life!
374
00:11:16,976 --> 00:11:18,377
Who are you calling?
375
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:19,979
Buddy.
376
00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,114
I'd like to speak to Buddy Sorrell, please.
377
00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:25,284
If he wants to make up with his wife, let him call her.
378
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:28,921
[phone rings]
379
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,373
Hello?
380
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:48,774
Buddy?
381
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,309
Hello? ROB (ON PHONE) Buddy?
382
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,310
Yeah.
383
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:52,178
ROB (ON PHONE): This is Rob.
384
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,245
Yeah.
385
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:55,214
You woke me up.
386
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,850
I what-- Buddy, you got this whole city jumping.
387
00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:00,052
You're complaining because I woke you up?
388
00:12:00,152 --> 00:12:01,620
[mumbles]
389
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,122
Hey, Buddy, what's the matter with you?
390
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,124
You all right?
391
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,226
Sleeping pills.
392
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:08,227
He took sleeping pills.
393
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:09,462
- Oh, Rob. - Buddy!
394
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,396
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah?
395
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:11,330
Buddy, listen to me.
396
00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:12,331
How many did you take?
397
00:12:12,431 --> 00:12:15,367
Not enough.
398
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:16,735
Buddy, Buddy, listen.
399
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:18,671
Listen, get out of bed.
400
00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:19,805
Leave me alone, will you?
401
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,507
Buddy, get out of bed.
402
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:24,877
Run, jump around, Buddy.
403
00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:26,479
Buddy, look, drink milk.
404
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,747
No, drink coffee.
405
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,081
Get coffee.
406
00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:30,015
Buddy?
407
00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:31,417
Buddy, listen to me. - Huh?
408
00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:32,952
Huh?
409
00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:33,652
ROB (ON PHONE): Listen, what kind of pills did you take?
410
00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:35,621
Blue.
411
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:37,256
Buddy, not what color.
412
00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:38,390
What kind?
413
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:41,227
I don't know.
414
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,261
Dozy Doodles.
415
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,566
He took Dozy Doodles.
416
00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:49,969
Rob, you can get Dozy Doodles without a prescription.
417
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:51,437
They can't do him any harm.
418
00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:53,205
Oh, yeah.
419
00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:53,939
Buddy, listen.
420
00:12:54,039 --> 00:12:54,874
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah.
421
00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:56,008
Sally just called me.
422
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,943
Your wife is going out of her mind.
423
00:12:58,043 --> 00:12:59,345
Will you please call her?
424
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,846
No, I ain't going to call her. You call her, bub.
425
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,114
Anybody can call her.
426
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:03,415
Not me, I'm not going to call her, boy.
427
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:04,650
Why there's a lot of things happen I didn't
428
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:05,851
tell you about in that bar.
429
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,486
[BUDDY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE]
430
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:08,687
What?
431
00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:10,256
Who?
432
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:11,957
Barton Nelson?
433
00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:14,560
No, Buddy, I didn't know that.
434
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:15,661
All right, Buddy.
435
00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:17,096
You wait until the morning.
436
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:18,864
I'll get you a lawyer first thing in the morning.
437
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:20,699
Now right now, I want you to go back to bed,
438
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,435
and don't take any more Dozy Doodles.
439
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:24,403
What?
440
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:27,606
Yes, you can have a cupcake.
441
00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:28,741
Just go to sleep.
442
00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:29,675
I'll see you in the morning.
443
00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:31,644
Goodbye.
444
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:33,612
Who's Barton Nelson?
445
00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:36,916
Honey, did you know that Pickles was married before?
446
00:13:37,016 --> 00:13:37,883
Before she married Buddy?
447
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:38,884
That's right.
448
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,819
She was Mrs. Barton Nelson.
449
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,454
Well, how come we never knew anything about it?
450
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,323
Because she probably never even told Buddy.
451
00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:45,124
That's why.
452
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:46,559
Do you call that deception?
453
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,128
Well, I'll have to know Pickle's side of all this.
454
00:13:49,228 --> 00:13:51,330
Rob, why don't you call her, and tell her to--
455
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:52,698
Call Pickles? Me?
456
00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:54,300
Honey, no, ma'am. I am a gentleman.
457
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,368
I wouldn't care to hear what I have to say to Pickles.
458
00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:57,436
[phone rings]
459
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:58,404
Hello?
460
00:13:58,504 --> 00:13:59,505
[pickles crying on phone]
461
00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:00,472
Hi, Pickles.
462
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:01,707
[pickles crying on phone]
463
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,542
Look, Pickles, why don't you--
464
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:06,512
[pickles crying on phone]
465
00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:08,647
Hello, Pickles?
466
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,282
[pickles crying on phone]
467
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:13,819
Pickles, now dear, try to control yourself.
468
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,621
Is there anything I can do for you?
469
00:14:15,721 --> 00:14:17,590
[pickles crying on phone]
470
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:18,791
Yes, dear, I can do that.
471
00:14:18,891 --> 00:14:19,992
Of course I can.
472
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:22,394
She wants to talk to you.
473
00:14:22,494 --> 00:14:23,162
Hi, Pickles.
474
00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:24,863
[pickles crying on phone]
475
00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:26,899
Well, Pickles, now I don't know.
476
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:28,534
He's at a hotel.
477
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:31,036
Well, he told me a lot of things, Pickles.
478
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:32,371
[pickles crying on phone]
479
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:35,608
Well, he-- he asked me to recommend a lawyer.
480
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,210
[pickles crying on phone]
481
00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:41,847
Pickles, please don't-- she's blubbering again.
482
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:43,249
She wants to blubber to you.
483
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,818
Pickles, will you try and control yourself?
484
00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:47,686
[pickles crying on phone]
485
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:52,057
Listen Pickles, look, why don't you call Buddy, and tell him?
486
00:14:52,157 --> 00:14:54,460
Tell him the absolute truth.
487
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,929
What, no-- why do you want to tell me?
488
00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:58,464
Why don't you tell your own husband?
489
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,432
[pickles crying on phone]
490
00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:01,567
Oh, all right, Pickles.
491
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,837
Look, I'll-- I'll get there as soon as I can.
492
00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:07,072
If you just call Buddy and talk to him--
493
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,574
but if you just talk--
494
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,042
but if-- but if--
495
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,410
but if-- Pickles!
496
00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:14,246
Pickles, please I'm in my bathrobe, Pickles!
497
00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:15,881
[pickles crying on phone]
498
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:19,652
All right, just take it easy, Pickles.
499
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:20,953
About a half an hour.
500
00:15:21,053 --> 00:15:23,355
And right now, I want you to take it easy.
501
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:25,257
Goodbye.
502
00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:27,860
Oh, Rob, you're not going downtown again.
503
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,128
I have to.
504
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:35,467
My best friend's rotten wife wants to tell me
505
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:36,935
her side of the story.
506
00:15:37,036 --> 00:15:39,138
Why doesn't she just tell it to Buddy?
507
00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:41,273
Because she was going to try to enlist
508
00:15:41,373 --> 00:15:43,509
me as an ally against Buddy.
509
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,210
Can she?
510
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,346
Honey, Buddy is my best friend,
511
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:50,683
and she is the one that drove him to Dozy Doodles.
512
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,718
Rob, you got your slippers on.
513
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:53,986
Well, I certainly hope so.
514
00:15:54,086 --> 00:15:55,354
But you feet will freeze without socks.
515
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,388
I got gloves.
516
00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:16,241
[tv static]
517
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:21,613
[sighs]
518
00:16:25,984 --> 00:16:28,454
[music playing]
519
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,522
[doorbell rings]
520
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:36,528
Oh, Rob.
521
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:38,597
Let me take your coat.
522
00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:42,368
That's a nice sport shirt.
523
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:44,169
Rob, it was so good of you to come all
524
00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:45,771
the way down from Mount Vernon.
525
00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:47,106
That's New Rochelle.
526
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:50,442
Oh, yeah, I always get those small towns mixed.
527
00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:51,143
Laura?
528
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:52,111
Just fine, Pickles.
529
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:53,245
How's Ritchie?
530
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:54,046
Fine.
531
00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:56,615
Such a lovely family.
532
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:58,550
Rob, why don't you sit down?
533
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:00,119
Thanks.
534
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:02,721
Rob, how much did Buddy tell you?
535
00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:04,156
Well, enough, Pickles.
536
00:17:04,256 --> 00:17:05,958
I think I ought to tell you that I think Buddy
537
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:07,659
was dealt a pretty bad hand.
538
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,561
Was he playing cards with you tonight?
539
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:16,502
Did-- did he tell you about the checks to Floyd Bariscale?
540
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:17,336
Yes, he did.
541
00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:19,905
Did he tell you anything else?
542
00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:22,474
Yes, he did, Pickles.
543
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:24,143
He told me that you were married before.
544
00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:26,011
Did he tell you that?
545
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:26,945
Well, yes he did.
546
00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:28,280
Is it true?
547
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,049
Yes, but he promised he'd never tell anybody.
548
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:31,016
When?
549
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:31,884
When did he promise that?
550
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,852
Before we were married.
551
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:35,254
Before you got--
552
00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:36,688
you mean that Buddy's always known
553
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:37,790
about your first marriage?
554
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,924
Oh, of course.
555
00:17:39,024 --> 00:17:39,958
Well, this was to Barton Nelson?
556
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,160
Yes.
557
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:42,394
Before we became engaged, Buddy helped me
558
00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:44,663
tear up all of Bart's pictures.
559
00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:45,931
Oh?
560
00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:47,599
Yeah, I-- I married Bart when I was 18.
561
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:51,036
I was on tour with his show, and he was a professor,
562
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,338
and very, very smart.
563
00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:55,607
Even so, we were very incompatible.
564
00:17:58,477 --> 00:18:00,212
In other words, Buddy has always
565
00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:01,880
known about Barton Nelson?
566
00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:04,216
Yes!
567
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:06,385
But I'll bet he didn't know about Floyd
568
00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:08,120
B. Bariscale, did he now?
569
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,022
Well, not really.
570
00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:11,824
What do you mean "not really?"
571
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:15,427
Well, all he really knew was I was sending him money.
572
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:18,097
So you admit that you've been sending him money?
573
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:19,832
Rob, I had to.
574
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:20,966
Had to?
575
00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:22,434
Well, if I didn't he would have
576
00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,770
told Buddy and Buddy's mother that I'd once
577
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:26,271
been married to a jailbird.
578
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,840
I mean, it's bad enough as it is.
579
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:28,974
She's against me.
580
00:18:29,074 --> 00:18:31,243
I mean, with a name like Pickles.
581
00:18:31,343 --> 00:18:32,978
I mean, who wants a daughter-in-law who
582
00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:35,147
was once married to a jailbird?
583
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,683
I wouldn't want my child married to a jailbird.
584
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,952
Would you like it if Ritchie was married to a jailbird?
585
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:40,886
Would you?
586
00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:42,087
No, no Pickles.
587
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:43,355
Look, Pickles, I'm a little confused.
588
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,991
I don't see what you're confused about!
589
00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:49,428
I just simply didn't want Buddy to know that my first husband
590
00:18:49,528 --> 00:18:50,896
was sent to jail for forgery.
591
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:51,830
Wait a minute.
592
00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:53,031
Wait a minute.
593
00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:54,900
Are we talking about Barton Nelson?
594
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:55,968
Yeah.
595
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,035
Well, I thought we were talking
596
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,570
about Floyd B. Bariscale.
597
00:18:58,670 --> 00:18:59,471
Well, they are.
598
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,673
They're both my first husband.
599
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:04,076
Pickles, how can you have two first husbands?
600
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:05,210
I didn't.
601
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,046
Floyd Bariscale is Barton Nelson.
602
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,550
He changed his name when he got out of jail.
603
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:14,786
Well, you mean that Bariscale and Nelson are the same guy?
604
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,021
Yes.
605
00:19:16,121 --> 00:19:18,624
Well, what was he in jail for Pickles.
606
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:23,462
Barton Nelson was a great forger.
607
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:24,897
A forger?
608
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,666
Pickles, I thought that you just told me that he's a professor.
609
00:19:27,766 --> 00:19:29,601
I thought he was when I married him.
610
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:30,969
You believe it?
611
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:35,674
He had gray at the temples, and he spoke so nice and clear.
612
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,447
And he had-- he had this diploma.
613
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:45,050
It's a real diploma from Harvard.
614
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:46,518
That he forged.
615
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:49,421
Ah!
616
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,524
Ah, ah!
617
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:54,126
So-- so--
618
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:58,096
so-- so Pickles, you were paying him money so that he wouldn't
619
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,331
tell Buddy he was a jailbird?
620
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:00,933
Oh, what did I do?
621
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:04,836
I mean, wouldn't you be upset if Laura was married to a forger?
622
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:05,804
Rob?
623
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:07,839
What should I do?
624
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,976
Pickles, look, why don't you just tell Buddy the truth?
625
00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:12,945
Oh, he'll hate me.
626
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,981
Pickles, right now, he's talking about a divorce.
627
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:19,184
From who?
628
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:20,719
From me?
629
00:20:20,819 --> 00:20:24,056
Why, just because I sent that money?
630
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:25,724
Pickles, it's not the money.
631
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:28,327
Well, what is it then?
632
00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:31,330
Pickles, Buddy thought that you and Floyd were--
633
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:32,998
Were what?
634
00:20:33,098 --> 00:20:34,933
Well, you know.
635
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:36,535
Oh!
636
00:20:36,635 --> 00:20:38,270
Oh, boy.
637
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:39,738
Oh, he didn't think that.
638
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:42,441
Not after all I've done for him, Rob.
639
00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:43,475
I've been a good wife.
640
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:44,810
You know I've been a good wife.
641
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:45,711
Pickles.
642
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,212
I would never do a thing. Rob!
643
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:48,246
What?
644
00:20:48,347 --> 00:20:50,315
You know-- you know that I--
645
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:53,485
I would--
646
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:54,987
[thunk]
647
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,058
Poor Pickles.
648
00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:01,893
What she must have gone through keeping that locked
649
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,562
inside her all these years.
650
00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:05,897
Well, I'm glad they're back together again.
651
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,432
Oh, darling, one more thing.
652
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:10,836
When Buddy came in, how'd he react to you?
653
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:13,071
Well, I mean, you did say all those awful things
654
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:14,339
about his wife.
655
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:15,941
He didn't punch you in the nose, did he?
656
00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:17,175
Oh, no.
657
00:21:17,275 --> 00:21:20,178
No, he gave me a shot in the eye.
658
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:21,146
You're kidding.
659
00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:23,315
Oh, he belted me a beaut.
660
00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:24,650
LAURA (ON PHONE): Oh, Rob.
661
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:26,018
Yeah, but not because of the horrible things
662
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,152
I said about Pickles.
663
00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:28,420
LAURA (ON PHONE): Well, why then?
664
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,821
Well, when he came home to get his dog,
665
00:21:29,921 --> 00:21:32,257
he thought that I was Floyd Bariscale having
666
00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:33,592
a tete e tete with Pickles.
667
00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:35,127
Before I could even say, hi, Buddy,
668
00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:37,062
he gave me a very sneaky right cross.
669
00:21:37,162 --> 00:21:38,030
Pow.
670
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,364
Did it hurt?
671
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,501
Honey, what makes you think that a short,
672
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:44,536
bare-fisted punch delivered by an enraged
673
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:47,205
husband at point blank range to a naked
674
00:21:47,305 --> 00:21:50,075
eye would hurt a fellow any?
675
00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:51,543
Honey, just turned down my bed.
676
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,011
Prepare to tuck me in.
677
00:21:53,111 --> 00:21:55,914
Saving marriages is exhausting.
678
00:21:56,014 --> 00:21:58,450
Bye.
679
00:21:58,550 --> 00:21:59,918
Rob, how you feel?
680
00:22:00,018 --> 00:22:03,088
Buddy, I must say that was a very well aimed punch.
681
00:22:03,188 --> 00:22:04,122
What well aimed?
682
00:22:04,222 --> 00:22:05,357
I was trying to hit Pickles.
683
00:22:09,094 --> 00:22:10,962
Could you hurry up with that raw steak for my eye?
684
00:22:11,063 --> 00:22:12,497
It's blowing up like a balloon.
685
00:22:12,597 --> 00:22:13,965
Yeah, Pickles-- Pickles, where's that steak for his eye?
686
00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:15,367
Where are you-- Pickles--
687
00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:16,468
PICKLES: I'm coming, I'm coming. - Where were you?
688
00:22:16,568 --> 00:22:17,602
What's taking you so long.
689
00:22:17,703 --> 00:22:18,937
Well, the steak was frozen stiff,
690
00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:21,106
so I didn't want to take the time to defrost it.
691
00:22:21,206 --> 00:22:22,474
I made a few cold cuts.
692
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:27,946
Well, I guess I'll take the corned beef.
693
00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:29,348
It's leaner.
694
00:22:29,448 --> 00:22:33,018
[music playing]
695
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:46,298
You know, looking at this reminds me
696
00:22:46,398 --> 00:22:48,166
of one of my favorite children's stories.
697
00:22:48,266 --> 00:22:49,501
What one's that?
698
00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:52,471
BOTH: "Black Beauty."
699
00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:53,772
Kind of dashing though, isn't it?
700
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:56,374
LAURA: Yeah, like were dashed against a wall.
701
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:57,442
Does it hurt?
702
00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:58,777
Oh, I don't know.
703
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:00,645
If you weight the pain against the results,
704
00:23:00,746 --> 00:23:02,180
I guess it was worth it.
705
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,484
I got a black eye, but Buddy and Pickles got each other.
706
00:23:05,584 --> 00:23:07,986
only guy who didn't get anything is Floyd B. Bariscale.
707
00:23:08,086 --> 00:23:10,188
He's not going to get any more checks out of that.
708
00:23:10,288 --> 00:23:11,389
[doorbell rings]
709
00:23:11,490 --> 00:23:12,624
I'll get it, honey.
710
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:18,530
Yes, sir.
711
00:23:18,630 --> 00:23:19,798
FLOYD B. BARISCALE: You Robert Petrie?
712
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:20,932
Yes, sir.
713
00:23:21,032 --> 00:23:22,100
FLOYD B. BARISCALE: I got something for you.
714
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,535
Oh, what?
715
00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:26,338
FLOYD B. BARISCALE: My name is Floyd B. Bariscale.
716
00:23:26,438 --> 00:23:28,006
[whack]
717
00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:36,681
Bye, Floyd.
718
00:23:41,219 --> 00:23:45,824
Honey, if any more of our friends want to get a divorce,
719
00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:47,459
let them.
720
00:23:47,559 --> 00:23:49,861
[music playing]
721
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,733
[theme song]
48452
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