All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s02e27

[music playing]

PRESENTER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rosemary,

Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Oh, good morning.

What's good about it?

Oh, what's bothering you?

The sudden realization that my boyfriend,

Herman Glimcher is the only man in America

who takes a girl to a drive-in to actually watch the picture.

Morning Sally.

Ah, shut up.

Out with Herman last night again, huh?

Yeah, how could you tell?

Oh, I don't know just a hunch.

Well, in that case, the news I bring you right now is going

to improve your sense of humor.

You got me a date with Paul Anka!

Well, not exactly.

But, Alan Brady's going to Bermuda for two weeks

and guess who's going to substitute for him?

Somebody I like?

Well, I don't know.

Do you happen to like Tracy Rattigan?

Oh?

Oh, Racy Tracy Rattigan?

That's right.

Tracy Rattigan's going to do the show for two weeks.

He's coming in to meet us soon. - Soon?

Oh my, look at me. Look at my hair.

Oh! - Yeah look at her, look at her.

You mentioned the guy's name and she goes into orbit.

What's this guy got besides an English accent?

It isn't what he's got, it's when he hasn't got.

What?

Me.

Rob, why didn't you warn me?

Sal, I just found out.

Oh, well I got to get going.

Where?

Home to take off 15 pounds.

Boy, I don't get it.

To me he's just another fella.

That's because you're a fella.

Oh?

All the girls really flip for him.

I'm going to call Laura and give her the big news.

You think you'll get any kids of reaction?

Yeah, she's been crazy about him ever since she saw him

in that English movie about the lady lawyer who

falls in love with a Carpenter.

Oh yeah, I think I saw that.

The Barrister and the Banister.

Yeah.

What do you suppose is keeping Sally?

Well, I don't know.

I guess it takes a long time to take off 15 pounds.

You know, our new boss is going to be in here

to meet us very quickly.

You better get her on the phone.

All right.

Marge, get me Sally will you please?

Marge, you're a witch.

Greetings gentlemen.

What are you made up for?

Anything wrong with being well groomed?

I just had my hair done, and put on

and old dress I had lying about.

Go on Sal, forget it.

Rattigan's been engaged 20 times.

Yeah, I know.

And I'm just hoping he tries for 21.

Here he is.

Your star and new host, Tracy Rattigan.

Hello, lovies.

Sally Rogers.

Sally Rogers, what a pretty name.

Oh, well thank you.

Miss Rogers, or may I call you Sally?

Please do.

I want you to consider me your humble servant.

Humble servant?

Of course.

Well, now about your days off.

How delightful.

Beauty and witty.

Hey Mr. Rattigan, I'm Buddy Sorrell.

A pleasure shaking your talented hand Mr. Sorrell.

I really mean it.

You do look like a writer.

You have that same clinical observant

look that I've seen in the eyes of all great men of letters

that I've met.

Well gee, thank you very much.

No, I'm very sincere.

It's a pleasure to be with you.

Thank you.

You must be Rob Petrie.

I know it's going to be fun working with all of you.

I've admired your work so much.

Thank you.

I really have.

Tracy, you're in good hands now.

And I'll leave.

If there's anything you want, just call me.

I'll tell you what to call him.

I really don't need a thing.

This group can keep me quite happy.

But, thank you for looking after me.

Fine, fine.

Now listen gang.

I've got a great idea.

Come on over here, let's all sit down on the floor.

- Sit on the floor? - Of course.

On the floor?

Come on now, off we go.

There we are.

I always feel it sort of makes it much more informal,

breaks the ice, and we'll get down to things.

Huh?

Gee, I wish I brought my jacks.

Now lovies, where was I?

Well, I don't know where you were,

but you're welcome to stay where you are.

I certainly will my little fly.

Now, what I want you to know sweetheart,

that I have never done a variety show before Ron.

Hey, were even.

We never sat on our floor before.

Marvelous sense of humor.

Yeah.

I love you, really do.

He's a bundle of laughs.

Hi, everybody.

Laura, grab a peace pipe, join the tribe.

[interposing voices]

Hello my little angel.

I'm Tracy Rattigan.

Hello.

You really are beautiful, aren't you?

Oh, thank you.

You're a dancer, aren't you my dear?

Yes.

I mean, I was.

Was?

Don't tell me you're not still one of us.

Oh.

Well yes, she is-- she's one of us.

Or, one of mine.

Tracy, this is Laura, my wife.

Is this foul news the truth?

That's right, I'm his husband.

[laughter]

She means I'm her wife.

Well, this is Tracy Rattigan.

I know.

Hey Laura, why'd you happen to come down to the office today?

Oh, she just dropped by.

That's not true Rob.

I came down to meet you Mr. Rattigan.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

I've seen every one of your pictures.

How wonderfully frank of you my dear.

Makes two of us.

Now, I want you to sit right here.

Could you pass me the cushion Just sit down

there you're a wonderful treat

I'm about to display some of my hidden talent.

This is just something I do at parties.

Hey Rob, I thought you might be able to work it into the show.

You know, most of the English stars

are not actors, or comedians.

They're people who do bird impressions.

Bird impression?

Oh, don't get emotional about it.

You've been such a swell group, I'd like to give you just a few

of the well-known birdcalls.

Please note Rob, I do this naturally

in the throat without the aid of any artificial thing

in mouth at all.

All right, a few well known birdcalls.

Just a moment, excuse me.

[coughs]

[inaudible] I'm sure you've never heard before.

[inaudible] Thank you.

[whistling]

Thank you.

Secondly--

[laughter]

But-- Secondly, something.

Just a little different.

[inaudible] the bird world.

It's quite an unusual bird.

And I think you'll be amused by its [inaudible]

So, sit tight for the seven headed [inaudible]..

A little more physical.

[whistling]

Thank you.

I hope you appreciate the danger that.

Last-- Last, but definitely not least,

something that is quite unique.

In fact, I think I'm the only person in the bird world

actually giving this a go.

This bird I'm going to do for you now is very, very rare.

In fact, it's extinct.

But, I shall do this.

Now, please notice, this is a very long impression.

Tremendously high.

When I do it, somewhere in town an [inaudible] will

wake up and say, what was that?

So, I'll give it a whirl.

Absolute silence please.

[coughing]

Sorry loves, it seems Tracy swallowed his natural throat.

OK.

Hey look, as long as we all get along so keen,

why don't we go out to dinner and bend around a few ideas?

Oh, I'd love to.

Unfortunately, I have an engagement tonight

Aw, well you missed your chance to save a man's life.

What do you mean?

I got to go home and eat my wife's cooking.

So, bye-bye Buddy.

So long Buddy.

Tally ho.

Trace, I wonder if I might ask a favor of you.

Super idea.

Your wish is my command.

I wonder If you'd give me a hand.

I believe my leg has fallen asleep.

Terribly sorry to hear that lovie.

Oh, there it is.

Won't you be needing me any more?

Desperately oh love.

But, foolishly I made an appointment for dinner tonight.

Oh.

But, sup with me tomorrow, and I shall be your slave.

All right now, you heard him.

My slave and I are going to sup together tomorrow.

Well, as long as my leg's asleep,

I might as well go home and put it to bed.

So long everyone.

[interposing voices]

Oh, Mr. Dylan.

Just [inaudible] alive, isn't she?

She certainly is.

I hope you appreciate what a lucky dog you are.

I really do.

Well, I do.

You probably got the most gorgeous little girl for a wife

I've ever seen in my life.

Thank you.

The only thing I have against marriage

my dear, it takes the prettiest girls out of circulation.

Oh, well thank you.

Well honey, we better go on home now.

See you Tracy.

Rob-- Rob, I just saw the most marvelous idea.

Listen to this Lauren, tell me if you don't agree.

Why don't you and Rob pop home, have dinner at home, right?

I'll go to the hotel, grab a bite for din din,

make a few notes on this marvelous

thought I've just had, dash up to your castle

and sort of kick it around for a few hours.

What do you say?

Well Tracy I don't want to keep you from your appointment.

Appointment oh love?

Oh, the appointment, yes.

But actually I'm sort of keep late if you know what I mean.

It's an old friend of the family.

So, what do you say?

Sounds like-- I'll tell you what I'll do.

Here's what I'll do Rob.

I'll call you a little later for time, road directions,

and permission to visit, hey?

Fine.

Listen, I've got an inspired idea.

I really have.

And I got it the moment I saw that beautiful wife of yours.

What do you think?

What do you think?

I think that he thinks you're as desirable as I think.

Really?

And I also think he doesn't have too strong a feeling

about the sanctity of marriage.

You mean because he was flirting with me?

That's right.

Well, Darling, he was also flirting with Sally,

and everybody else in this room.

I think he's one of those poor unfortunate

people who's trying to get the whole world to love him.

I feel kind of sorry for him.

Well, if he continues his little crusade after you

at our house tonight, you're going

to feel a lot sorrier for him.

Rob, you wouldn't.

Don't be so sure I wouldn't.

Well, in that case I'm not moving out of this office

until you promise me there'll be none of this.

And if you don't promise, I am not budging.

I promise, I promise I won't hit him.

Do I have your word?

Yes you do.

Let's just hope that the inspired idea that Tracy has

is for a comedy sketch.

[music playing]

I thought he said for 8:00.

He's late.

Maybe he's lost.

You did give him the right directions I hope.

Yeah, East Side Highway, Bronx River Parkway, you know.

Why didn't you tell him to take the West Side Highway?

It's much more direct.

Yeah, but the East Side Highway is 10 minutes faster.

Yeah, but twice as devious.

There's much more chance he'll get lost.

Yeah, I know that.

I am perfectly capable of handling

myself with Mr. Rattigan.

Honey, let me tell you something.

There is a lot of rat in Mr. Rattigan.

He didn't get the name Racy Tracy because of his interest

in sports cars you know.

Or, did you have to see the light in his eyes

when he saw you in the office this afternoon?

Maybe he didn't know I was your wife then.

Yeah that's right.

After I told him, his eyes lit up even brighter.

You became a much more challenging conquest for him.

Honey, have you got a looser dress?

Would you stop acting like I'm about to be

carried off by pirates?

Look, Tracy Rattigan is the star of the Allen Brady Show.

You are his head writer.

You have no choice but to try to make

his two weeks on the show as pleasant and uneventful

as possible.

I'll get that.

You just remember what you promised.

All right, all right.

Have no fear, old Trace is here.

Hello lovie.

Oh, there she is.

Not since Helen of Troy has the world beheld such beauty.

You're gorgeous.

And there's the lucky King Menelaus.

Hello Robby lad.

Chill this, will you?

You remember Menelaus, don't you?

The lad that lost Helen of Troy to that Greek boy.

What was his name?

Paris, wasn't it?

Yes.

Always [inaudible] Absolutely spiffy.

A complection like that, old Trace must give

it a peck on the old cheek, ey?

One? One?

Just another one--

Oh, Rob!

Darling, why don't you let me chill the champagne.

Capitol idea.

Sturdy, sturdy.

Well Robby love, should we start?

Seems to me you've already started.

Work I mean oh lovie.

Why do you think I've braved your picturesque but hazardous

Bronx River Parkway?

Well, I don't know.

To work of course lovie.

To work.

Do you always wear your tuxedo to work?

Oh, this old thing.

No, it's for the engagement later, you know?

Sort of dressed ready for action what?

[inaudible]

And the records, and the champagne.

They're for engagement later?

No, no.

The champagne and the sexy American rhythms are for here.

I thought you said we were going to work.

We are old lovie.

But, after work, old Trace always treats himself

to a glass of champagne.

Sort of a reward for being a good boy. (LAUGHS)

Well, I'll leave you two to work.

I have some darning to do. - Darning?

Don't be silly.

You can't leave us.

We need you here my fly.

Don't we Robby?

No, I don't think we do.

You go right ahead and darn honey.

Well, you might not need her.

Trace just can't do without her.

Absolutely lovely.

Rob, you remember when I first met your wife in the office,

I told you I had a marvelous idea.

Do you remember?

Yes, very well.

Well, I got the idea because of your lovely little one.

Tracy, tell me, what exactly was your idea?

Well, the idea is based on, of course, the fact

that Laura is a dancer.

Aren't you Darling?

Oh, yes.

She was a dancer.

I was.

I thought I'd like to work out a little musical thing.

You know, with Laura.

You would?

Sort of a sketch depicting the different approaches

that certain menus to capture a girl they're dancing

with for the very first time.

And you would like to try this with my wife?

Well, I certainly would if you have no objections.

Do you my little cabbage?

Well, as a matter of fact, Mr. Rattigan--

You've got no objections Robby old love, have you?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't see that we need

Laura to work out a sketch.

All we need to do are write some jokes.

Jokes, yes.

How very true.

You hit the nail right on the head lovie.

But, I feel jokes are going to present themselves much more

easily while dancing.

You know what I mean?

Why don't you pop that on the old record player, right.

The old gramophone.

Get it whirling around, a little atmosphere,

and I'm sure Laura and I will work

this thing out beautifully.

Now, we need a little room, lovie.

Now, why don't you to come over here, and relax completely.

Have complete faith in old Trace.

Now, listen the first one we're going to do

is a typical ballroom flirt.

You know what I mean?

I'm sure you've encountered them.

Don't stand there old lovie.

Go get a notepad and pencil and jot

down any bits of accidental brilliance I might babble out.

If you think of a joke yourself, do

feel free to pop it in, right?

Go on my lovie.

Chop chop, let's get the show on the road.

This fellow is so slow.

Now, the first one is a typical ballroom waltz.

Let's call this one the perfume sniffer, all right?

- All right. - Right.

Now, his approach is usually something like this.

He starts out by saying, hello, my name is Lionel Pest.

What's yours?

Mrs. Robert Petrie.

Well, we'll think of something better a little later

Robby lovie.

My, you are certainly a pretty girl, and you smell so nice.

What's the name of that perfume you're wearing?

Now, don't tell me, let me guess.

Do you mind if I have a sniff?

Is it hold me close?

No.

That's a good one Robby, make a note of that.

It's certainly a beautiful perfume.

And I'm never wrong, I think just maybe

one more sniff would get it.

Is it kiss me now?

No.

Not kiss me now, ey?

Because I think this would play terribly well once

we get things going.

And then you'll say--

I think that--

I think that-- I think Trace that I got the idea

to open a little Champagne.

Oh, why not lovie?

What do you say?

I always--

Hey, look, [inaudible]

[interposing voices]

Nothing like a little champagne

to refresh [inaudible] You have a little more.

Don't be bashful.

After all, you brought it.

It did bring it, yes.

Oh, dear me.

I do believe I have spilled--

But, I had an different use for it in mind.

You know what I would do if I were you Trace?

Yes old man?

I think I'd get right out of here,

and get out of those clothes before you

catch your death of cold.

You won't forget me, won't you old boy?

Yes, good night.

Excuse me.

Does anybody know where Tracy is now?

Oh, he's probably squeezing Bubbles out of his tuxedo.

Rob, you're going to have to apologize to him.

Oh, forget it Mel.

You can't forget it.

Tracy's probably furious right now,

and he has every right to be.

You have no choice but to apologize.

Yes I have.

Look Mel, I don't want to put you guys on the spot.

Why don't I just go home for a couple of weeks

and have Buddy and Sally write the show?

That won't solve the problem.

I'm glad you're all here.

I suppose you told them what went on at your house

last night, didn't you?

Oh, well, as a matter of fact Tracy--

What happened?

Why?

Did something happen at your house Rob?

You didn't tell them Rob?

Look Tracy, I--

I'd like to just forget about what happened last night.

We've all got contracts that we have to serve out.

We also have a show to get on.

I think the best thing to do is for us just to get to work.

Oh, come on Rob.

I never thought you were that sort of bloke.

What sort of bloke do you think I am?

Rob, why don't we talk about the opening of the show?

Well, if you didn't tell them Rob, I'm afraid

I'm going to have to.

Why don't you tell them after the show next week?

No.

Ha ha ha.

I only wish you could have all been there.

He was absolutely furious.

I was pulling your chums leg last night,

pretending to flirt with Laura.

He was green with jealousy.

Now, admit it old love, you were weren't you?

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

I can't remember when I've had a more marvelous time.

You had a marvelous time?

Oh, yes, yes.

I get such a kick out of seeing irate husbands.

You mean, this is a regular bit with you?

Oh, it happens everywhere I go, yes.

Nice hobby.

Last time, let me think.

The Puerto Rican ambassador's wife, he was livid.

Threw me out of the country.

I made all the papers.

Did you see it?

[inaudible] gave me a five page spread.

But, he was the best.

You really were wonderful.

Did you tell them what you did?

Did you?

Do you know what your boy did to me last night?

He sprayed me with my own champagne!

It looked like a bloody fountain!

You really were too much old man.

Really, tell me Rob, did you feel as foolish as you looked?

Well, yes I did.

As a matter of fact, I feel a little more foolish right now.

Well, you mustn't old lovie.

I want to apologize, I really do.

It was a nasty trick on my part, and will you forgive me?

Well, yes of course.

After all, you just put me on.

You weren't serious.

It's something that you'll never really quite

sure about, will you old lovie?

Anyway, enough of this nonsense.

We work until 6:00 tonight, don't we?

Yes, that's right.

Now, Sally my little fly, if I remember correctly you

and I have a tentative date to sup tonight, don't we?

Well, I tell you Tracy, my aunt Agnes is staying with me

and she doesn't like to be left alone.

Bring her along lovie.

Oh, well she's over 70.

Some other time.

Oh, all right my fly.

Buddy.

Yeah.

How about you tonight coming out with old Trace?

Well, we'd be glad to, but Pickles and I got tickets--

Bring Pickles along.

I'll get you to the old champagne

bit like brother Bobby.

I think it'd be fun, but we've been waiting

a long time for these tickets.

And we, you know--

Oh, don't worry.

Don't give it another thought.

Mel, the time has come old love.

You and I at last going on the town.

Oh, well Trace, I've got to work right

straight through till midnight.

A budget-- budget meeting.

I'd love to--

Forget it.

Forget-- Don't apologize.

Don't apol-- Mel, what's the name

of that little blonde Darling who works at reception?

Marge.

Will you excuse me a moment gang?

I have to leave a note at reception.

Marge wasn't it?

Marge, all right?

What?

What?

[laughs]

Buddy, Sal?

SALLY: Yeah?

What do you say we write him the best show we ever wrote?

Even if we have to work overtime.

I'll even give up my afternoon nap.

I don't get it.

After-- after the way he behaved,

and you're all willing to work hard to make

him look good on the show?

Mel, what else has he got?

Yeah.

It's just like my aunt Agnes always says,

you may have the world at your feet,

but that don't stop the corns from hurting.

TRACY RATTIGAN: To which his wife replied, really?

He didn't say nothing to me.

He's hot tonight isn't he?

You know Rob, I must say it's very decent of you

to give Tracy a farewell party after the problems you

had with him.

Oh, he's not a bad sort Mel.

That is if you keep him away from your wife.

He's behaving himself beautifully tonight.

With him it's either performing, or flirting.

All we have to do is keep him performing.

Say, if you don't give me a kiss within the time I

count three, I'm going to smash your husband against that wall.

She's absolutely terrified, of course.

He pulled her to him suddenly like this.

Martinis anyone?

You cad.

You ruined my joke.

Well, better your joke than your suit.

Hey Tracy?

Much better, yes.

So anyway, [inaudible] grabbed the girl to him [inaudible]

[theme music]