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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Honey, why do you keep buying me ties that won't tie for?
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It's not the tie, darling.
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It's the tier.
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I know it.
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I've got to have something to yell at.
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Darn party.
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Rob, why are you so nervous?
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It's just a simple dinner party.
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A simple-- you look like you're going to the coronation.
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All right.
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So it's an elegant simple dinner party.
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No simple dinner party ever invites the kind of people that
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are going to this dinner party.
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I don't know who invited me, and I don't know why.
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I do.
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Mrs. Huntington invited the top writers in their fields,
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and you happen to be one of the tops in yours.
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Yeah, but all the guests there, honey,
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are going to be serious writers.
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I'm not-- you know, honey, I've been thinking.
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What am I, anyway?
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What are you?
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You're a living American male who
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I'm happy to be living with.
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What do you want to be?
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I don't know.
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A real writer.
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I-- turn around to the light.
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And all I write are jokes.
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Nothing I write has any real permanence about it.
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Alan says it on television once and fzit, it's gone forever.
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But, darling, that's writing.
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I mean serious writing.
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Well, you've been writing that book.
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Which I'm never going to finish, no how.
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Well, how about those poems you wrote to me
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when you were in the army?
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They were serious and beautiful.
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What did you know?
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You were blinded by my charm and my uniform.
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You weren't that charming, darling.
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And your uniform didn't fit.
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Now, those were good poems.
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In fact, I remember one. It was beautiful.
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Honey, not now.
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I'm depressed enough anyway.
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It went, time tears cruelly at a last embrace,
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allowing chiffon breezes depart a kiss.
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A friendly sun to moist happy eyes,
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resigning passion to limbo, love to thought, and beauty
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to memory.
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Did I write that?
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You said you did.
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You know something.
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That's almost good.
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I think it's beautiful.
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I have half a mind to recite it to Henry Walden tonight.
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Oh, yeah, you do that.
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I--
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[coughing]
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Henry Walden.
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What am I doing in the world going to a dinner party
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for a world-renowned poet?
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Now, you stop that, Rob.
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You may not be able to write poetry like Mr. Walden,
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but I bet he can't write a joke like you can.
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Well, I'm going to feel out of place.
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I'll probably be the only one there that Walden doesn't know.
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I'm sure a lot of people are going to be strangers to him.
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Yeah, but Walden will at least have read their books.
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Or maybe he's seen your television show.
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Oh, yeah, that's all poet laureates have got to do,
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sit around and watch variety shows on television.
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Well, darling, would you really
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rather that we stayed home?
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No.
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Let's go ahead and go.
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At least I'll prove one thing.
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What's that?
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That television writers marry the prettiest girls.
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[music playing]
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[bells ringing]
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[chatter]
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Robert Petrie.
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Thank you.
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You-- you want to duck out right now and take in a movie?
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Oh, Rob.
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Now, you stop that.
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I don't belong here.
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You do so, too, belong here.
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This is probably going to be one of the best
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evenings we ever spent.
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You want to bet?
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Oh, Mr. And Mrs-- oh, don't tell me.
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Don't tell me.
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It's on the tip of my tongue.
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Petral, of course.
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Petrie.
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Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Petral, I am Mrs. Huntington, your hostess.
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Come.
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I want you to meet some of my very dear friends.
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People, I want you to meet Mr. And Mrs. William Petral.
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Petrie.
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Oh, yes, you pronounce that Petrov, don't you?
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This is, um-- this is Dr. Torrence Hayworth.
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Uh, Dr. Hayworth, nice to meet you.
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Well, now, there's no need to be formal.
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Just call me Torrence.
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And suppose I call you Bill.
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OK, Bill?
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Well, no. I'm--
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Huh? What's that?
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It's, uh, perfectly all right.
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This is Thomas Evelyn.
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How do you do?
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Miss Evelyn, very nice to meet you.
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Oh, now, Bill, let's not be formal.
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Just call her Tom.
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Oh, certainly.
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Hi, Tom.
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Of course, you know that Tom's, uh, first novel
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is being translated this fall.
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No.
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No, I didn't-- I didn't know that.
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Yes.
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I've been-- been meaning to read it.
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We-- we have it at home, don't we, honey?
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Well, I-- I'm not-- uh, I think we might.
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Oh!
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You read French?
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Why?
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It's in French.
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Oh, it's in-- well, it's--
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c'est la meme alphabet.
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[speaking french]
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Uh, no.
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Un petit peu, they say.
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[speaking french]
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Huh?
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Un petit peu.
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Un petit peu.
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[speaking french]
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Oh, now, look here.
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You two can argue this out later.
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I want Mr. and Mrs. Petrov to meet some of my other guests.
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Come along, darlings.
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Excuse me.
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Uh, excuse us.
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What did, uh, old Tom say to you?
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I don't know what I said to old Tom.
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Mr. And Mrs. William Petrov.
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Petrie.
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Oh.
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I'll never get that straight.
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Suppose I just call you, uh, Bill?
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Rob.
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Bill and Rob.
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That's so much easier, of course.
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Bill and Rob, this is Yale Sampson.
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Yale is one of our budding English anti--
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Existentialist.
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Lovely.
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Um, and this is Vonitia Fellows.
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Uh, Bill and Rob Petrov.
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Bill.
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Rob.
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Rob.
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Laura.
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Vonitia.
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How do you do?
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And I'm going to leave you two now.
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And I'm sure that Yale and Mrs. Fellow will take care of you.
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I-- I hope we didn't disturb your discussion.
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Oh, no, not at all.
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Yale just finished making a point about the state
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of American culture.
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Oh, did he?
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I assume you're familiar with Yale's stand
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on culture in our times.
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Well, no.
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As a matter of fact, well, I'm not.
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Well, what is his stance?
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[mumbles] I would say that it is my, uh, philosophy-- if you
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can call it a philosophy.
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Because it's not exactly a philosophy.
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It is, actually-- I want to say it's my proposition.
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My proposition succinctly stated that [mumbles]
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the state is that there--
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there is a plethora of the mundane--
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a blithering mundane, which is inculcating itself and sweeping
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into the [mumbles] which is naturally making it [mumbles]
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which I would say definitely that this osmotic process
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and a capillary infusion of the brain, which is
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what I call the civilization.
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You understand, the civilization--
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these processes are sort of [mumbles] coming in.
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And so, therefore, the osmotic process in the brain
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will atrophy some day [mumbles] the brain
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will be nothing more-- nothing more
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than a vistage will remain.
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Surely, you can see that.
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Well.
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I, uh-- I--
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Well, you certainly couldn't disagree.
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No, I-- I don't disagree with that, uh, except maybe
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on a couple of points there.
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Huh?
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Which ones are those, Bill?
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Rob.
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Yes, I know.
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I've met your lovely wife.
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What do you think, Rob?
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Well, I-- I've always felt that people are individual.
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That's absolutely true, Rob, darling.
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But it is as individuals that these osmotic processes
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are most subtly deleterious.
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They cut away at the fully [mumbles] life, which we don't
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understand because [mumbles] collectively
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connecting the [inaudible] because individually we
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are powerful.
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[inaudible],, collectively, usability, quotability,
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[inaudible] penetrability, ostentatious, ostentation, in
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general, et cetera, et cetera.
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And [mumbles] Surely, you can see the danger.
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Well.
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Um.
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Not as clearly as-- as you do, uh, Mr. Harvard.
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Yale.
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Yale.
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I-- I do see a, uh, danger.
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Yes.
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What can one man do?
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Yes, or one woman?
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We can spread the word.
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Uh, wh-- what--
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what word is that?
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Verisimilitude.
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Veri-- verisimilitude.
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That's a good word to spread.
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To spread, sir?
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To stamp out.
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Well, uh, that's what I meant.
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You spread it and stamp it out.
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Honey, how about we have some punch?
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Bill.
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Bill, I need Yale.
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I know you won't mind if I steal him from you?
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Oh, no, by all means, steal him.
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Well, that group over there is absolutely
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desperate to know what his opinion
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is about the early works of--
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Vish-- Uh--
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Hemingway.
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Hemingway, yes, certainly.
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Oh, Torrence is just being an absolute tyrant
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on his position.
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Hasn't he a marvelous mind?
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Marvelous.
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He has the gift and the ability
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to say things that, uh--
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uh--
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[stuttering]
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Seems vague, but are, in reality, meaningless.
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Uh, yes.
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Uh.
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About your book, Mr. Petrov.
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That's Petrie.
272
00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:01,734
P-E-T-R-I-E. No L. What-- what book?
273
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:02,768
Well, your book.
274
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,171
"The Town Crier Weeps No More."
275
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,605
- Uh, my book? - Yes.
276
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:07,740
Didn't you write it?
277
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,642
I didn't even read it.
278
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:10,543
I'm sorry.
279
00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:12,078
I'm-- I'm Robert Petrie.
280
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:13,813
Robert Petrie, uh--
281
00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,648
I don't believe I'm familiar with your works.
282
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:18,584
Oh, I, uh, write for, uh, television.
283
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,119
Television?
284
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:23,622
My husband is the head writer for "The Alan Brady Show."
285
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:26,092
I'm not familiar with Mr. Brody's program.
286
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:26,892
Uh, no, that's--
287
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:29,929
Honey, listen, never mind.
288
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,431
Well, it's one of the best musical variety shows--
289
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:33,766
I'm sure it is, darling.
290
00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:37,036
But you see, I don't own a television machine.
291
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:39,071
If you will excuse me, won't you?
292
00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:40,006
Certainly.
293
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:41,407
[sighing]
294
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,977
You still, uh, think we belong here, Rob?
295
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,083
[music playing]
296
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:52,218
Attention.
297
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,652
Attention, everyone.
298
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:55,755
Now, if you'll all, please, take your seats.
299
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:58,624
Take your seats, and we'll get down to business.
300
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,359
All right.
301
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:01,460
Thank you.
302
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,762
Thank you.
303
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,430
Now, is there anyone here who does not know
304
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:07,933
why he or she has been invited?
305
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:10,903
It is not our plan to raise the full quarter
306
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,039
of a million dollars tonight.
307
00:11:13,139 --> 00:11:15,041
That's why we were invited.
308
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:19,578
We do have the feeling that the first contributions
309
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,615
to the Henry Walden Literary Foundation
310
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:26,752
should come from the esteemed members of his own profession.
311
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:28,120
[applause]
312
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:31,724
Now, as you know, all the money raised
313
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:36,228
are to be used to sponsor young literary talent.
314
00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:40,699
So, who's going to start this ball rolling?
315
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:41,967
Yale.
316
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:43,869
I would like to contribute my first year's
317
00:11:43,969 --> 00:11:48,007
royalties from my new book, "Death Fears Me."
318
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:49,608
[applause]
319
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,310
Thank you, Mr. Sampson.
320
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:54,547
That's a wonderful beginning for our foundation.
321
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,082
Thank you. Now, let's see.
322
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:56,916
Who else?
323
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:58,517
Oh, almost everyone.
324
00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:05,691
So, let's say we begin with, um, Mr. H Fieldstone Thorley.
325
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:06,992
Yes, H?
326
00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:08,127
Yes.
327
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,396
I'd like to contribute two years of royalties
328
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:12,398
from my last book of poems.
329
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:13,332
Oh.
330
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:15,101
[applause]
331
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:18,137
Oh, now, H, which book of poems was that?
332
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:23,576
Uh, "Lavender Lollipops" or "Point Me to the Moon"?
333
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,411
"Lavender Lollipops."
334
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,378
[applause]
335
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,314
"Lavender Lollipops."
336
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,281
Thank you.
337
00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:30,049
Thank you.
338
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:32,151
Oh, Tom, your hand is up.
339
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,486
Oui.
340
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:37,189
I wish to contribute six months royalty from my next book,
341
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:41,961
"I Love to Love to Love to Love."
342
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:46,766
Six months royalty to "I Love to Love to Love."
343
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:47,700
To love.
344
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,702
One more.
345
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:51,070
Uh, thank you.
346
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,972
What do you wish to contribute, Doctor?
347
00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:55,908
Well, I should like to contribute all of the royalties
348
00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:59,612
to my book, "You and Your Gallbladder."
349
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:01,013
[applause]
350
00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:06,652
Oh, all the royalties to "Me and My Gallbladder."
351
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:08,554
That's "You and Your Gallbladder."
352
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,795
Thank you, Doctor.
353
00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:18,464
Mr. Petrov, I believe your hand was up.
354
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:19,565
Oh, was it?
355
00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:20,599
Oh.
356
00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:21,867
I was just scratching my head.
357
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,169
- Oh! - Oh.
358
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:24,403
I'll-- I'll give something.
359
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:26,038
What do you want us to put you down for?
360
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:28,340
Well, I-- I've never written a book, so I--
361
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:29,074
I can't hear you.
362
00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:30,576
Speak up, Bill. - Rob.
363
00:13:30,676 --> 00:13:31,877
Yes, I know. I've met her.
364
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,078
Hello, darling.
365
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:39,185
I said, I've-- I've never written a book, so I
366
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:40,719
can't contribute any royalties.
367
00:13:40,819 --> 00:13:42,188
Oh.
368
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:45,324
Well, I-- I do get, uh, paid for my, uh-- my writing.
369
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:47,593
Uh, what-- would it be all right if--
370
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,461
if I gave, uh, change--
371
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,896
check-- cash?
372
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,164
Oh, well, that's splendid.
373
00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:53,966
How much should we put you down for?
374
00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:57,236
Uh, what-- whatever everybody else, uh-- well, I--
375
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,904
I-- I can, uh--
376
00:13:59,004 --> 00:13:59,972
uh, I have a--
377
00:14:00,072 --> 00:14:00,940
I have a blank check.
378
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,374
A blank check-- oh!
379
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:03,275
[applause]
380
00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:04,310
Well, I-- I was--
381
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:05,811
Oh, that's so--
382
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:10,115
now, be assured we shant take advantage of your generosity,
383
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:10,849
dear.
384
00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:11,750
Oh, no, you see,
385
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:12,718
[interposing voices]
386
00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:14,086
Thank you.
387
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:15,955
Thank you very much.
388
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:23,996
William Petrov, that's who they thought I was.
389
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:26,332
They thought I wrote "The Town Crier Weeps No More."
390
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:28,934
Oh, boy, am I so glad that we sneaked out of there.
391
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,502
We sneaked out of there so early,
392
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:33,105
darling, we didn't even get a chance to meet Henry Walden.
393
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:34,440
Neither did William Petrov.
394
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,408
They sent me his invitation by mistake.
395
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,310
I should have signed his name to that check.
396
00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:42,281
Why didn't you just offer $25 or $50?
397
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,250
Because everybody was contributing royalties.
398
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:45,517
Who knows how much that is?
399
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,253
Well, I'll tell you one thing, darling.
400
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,955
A year's royalties on "Lavender Lollipops" couldn't amount
401
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,891
to more than $1.20.
402
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:55,327
Why did you offer them a blank check?
403
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:56,028
What do you mean?
404
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,529
You saw what happened.
405
00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:01,066
I offered that blank check and that patron of the arts
406
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:03,569
talked me into keeping it that way.
407
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:06,805
Honey, the next time we are invited to a literary dinner
408
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,775
party, will you please say to me, let's stay home and can
409
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:12,578
some plums?
410
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:13,612
Oh, boy, how stupid of me.
411
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:14,880
A blank check.
412
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:16,615
Oh, darling, it's all over and done with.
413
00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:18,951
Oh, no, it isn't.
414
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,119
They're going to fill that check out
415
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,488
for any amount they want to.
416
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,690
How much do you think they'll fill in?
417
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,158
Honey, you heard Mrs. Huntington,
418
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,594
they're going to raise a quarter of a million dollars.
419
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:29,728
So?
420
00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:31,730
So, those are rich people there.
421
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:36,235
They could fill it out for 2,000 bucks and not bat one eyelid.
422
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:39,738
Oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
423
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:42,374
It doesn't really matter?
424
00:15:42,474 --> 00:15:44,443
What do you mean, it doesn't really matter?
425
00:15:44,543 --> 00:15:47,012
All we have in our checking account is $94.
426
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:50,683
94?
427
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,017
That's impossible.
428
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:53,519
The last time I looked, we had $2,100 in there.
429
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:57,823
Darling, we haven't had $2,100 in our account for months.
430
00:15:57,923 --> 00:15:59,358
What happened?
431
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:03,295
$2,004 worth of mortgage, food, taxes, sickness, charity,
432
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:05,864
clothing, new golf clubs, that new dress, reweaving
433
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:06,832
a hole in your tweed jacket.
434
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:08,334
OK, OK.
435
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:09,968
So, you see, no matter what Mrs. Huntington fills in,
436
00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:11,704
all she'll get is $94.
437
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:12,738
Yeah.
438
00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:18,277
Uh, $14.
439
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:24,083
$14?
440
00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:26,919
What happened?
441
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,354
You bought that.
442
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:31,390
They don't allow you on Park Avenue in a rented tux.
443
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,258
What about our savings account, honey?
444
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:35,094
Oh, Rob, you're not going to touch that?
445
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,395
Well, why not?
446
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:37,663
Well, because if you withdraw money now,
447
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:38,997
we'll lose our interest.
448
00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:42,301
If that check bounces, I lose my reputation.
449
00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:44,303
Oh, darling, there must be another way.
450
00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:45,871
Sure, there is another way.
451
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:47,639
You call up Mrs. Huntington and tell him that your husband's
452
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:48,574
a big phony.
453
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:49,975
You are not a phony.
454
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:51,377
Oh, no?
455
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,312
Then why did I let myself be invited to a party
456
00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:55,180
that I had no business going to?
457
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,583
William Petrov probably stayed home crying
458
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,385
because he wasn't invited.
459
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:00,719
[sighing]
460
00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:04,022
Darling, the invitation was addressed to Robert Petrie.
461
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:04,990
They wanted you there.
462
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:06,258
Sure, they wanted me there.
463
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:07,893
They didn't want me there.
464
00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:09,061
They wanted my money there.
465
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,396
Darling, why don't you go to sleep?
466
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,264
You can finish beating yourself in the morning.
467
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:12,998
OK, OK.
468
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:14,333
I will.
469
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:16,235
I would love to know who sent me that invitation
470
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:18,270
in the first place.
471
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:20,272
That big mush-mouth with the beard-- he
472
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,574
belonged there, all right.
473
00:17:22,674 --> 00:17:23,809
Verisimilitude.
474
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,414
I don't own a television machine.
475
00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:35,454
Vulnerability, accessibility, flamboyance, slob, ad nauseam,
476
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:39,758
ad infinitum, administration, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
477
00:17:39,858 --> 00:17:40,692
Rob.
478
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:41,593
All right, all right.
479
00:17:41,693 --> 00:17:42,828
I'm going to sleep.
480
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:44,530
Darling?
481
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:45,631
You forgot this.
482
00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:57,342
Look at that!
483
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,211
Oh, I'm going to tell you one thing.
484
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:01,113
That's the last time that I am ever going to go
485
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:04,983
to a literary [inaudible].
486
00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:06,518
Oh, my gosh.
487
00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:08,821
Rob, you really didn't give them a blank check, did you?
488
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:09,988
Yes, I did.
489
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,557
A blank rubber one.
490
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,592
You mean, you don't donated a check that's going to bounce?
491
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:16,595
If they fill in any amount over $14.
492
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:18,664
[vocalizing] Boing.
493
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:23,535
Rob!
494
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:24,336
Rob!
495
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:25,304
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
496
00:18:25,404 --> 00:18:26,705
What is it, Mel?
497
00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,340
Do you know who's in my office right this minute?
498
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,844
John Phillip Sousa and his all girl band?
499
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:32,811
Wait a minute, buddy.
500
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:33,946
Who's in there?
501
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:35,214
Henry Walden.
502
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:36,849
Henry Walden is here in this office?
503
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,183
[gasping]
504
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,486
Uh, Mel, is Mr. Walden here to see you or me?
505
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:42,254
He's here with a Mrs. Huntington,
506
00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:44,022
and they want to talk to you.
507
00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:46,592
Uh, how-- how did they seem, Mel?
508
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:47,693
Oh, fine, fine.
509
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,161
Now, uh, I'm going to bring them in here.
510
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,230
And I hope that none of us does anything
511
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:52,664
that would reflect on the show.
512
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:54,132
Oh, my. Am I reflecting?
513
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:55,267
I must powder my nose.
514
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:56,802
Why don't you powder your head?
515
00:18:56,902 --> 00:18:59,705
Yuck.
516
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:00,539
Oh, boy.
517
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,508
Boy, I know why they're here.
518
00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:04,810
Yeah, probably something to do with that blank check.
519
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:07,312
Boy, I'd give anything to know who sent me that invitation.
520
00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:08,847
Oh, right this way, folks.
521
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,149
This is the writers' office.
522
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:11,517
Uh, thank you.
523
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:12,851
Uh, Rob, I'll leave the introductions to you.
524
00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:15,754
Well, so nice to see you again, Mr. Petrov.
525
00:19:15,854 --> 00:19:16,955
Yes.
526
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:17,923
Nice to see you again, Mrs. Huntington.
527
00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:18,857
Hello.
528
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:19,758
How do you do?
529
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:21,026
I'm Henry Walden.
530
00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:22,127
Sir, it's an honor to meet you.
531
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:23,161
Oh?
532
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,597
Because of my age or my poetry?
533
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:26,532
Well, both.
534
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:27,733
Good.
535
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:29,434
I was so sorry we didn't get to meet last night.
536
00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:33,238
Yeah, so was I. Now, Mrs. Huntington,
537
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:36,308
I would like you to say hello to Robert Petrie.
538
00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:37,509
Well, but I just said--
539
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:38,343
No, no.
540
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:40,479
You said hello to a Mr. Petrov.
541
00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:43,549
You keep confusing a first rate television writer
542
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:45,784
with a third rate novelist.
543
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:46,785
Petrie, my dear.
544
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:47,786
Petrie.
545
00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:49,454
I am so sorry, Mr. Petrie.
546
00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:51,023
It's perfectly all right, Mrs. Huntington.
547
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:51,924
Won't you sit down?
548
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,392
Thank you.
549
00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:55,194
Well, Mr. Walden, I can't tell you what an honor it
550
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,495
is to have you in this office.
551
00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:57,796
I'd like you both to meet my writing staff.
552
00:19:57,896 --> 00:19:59,131
This is--
553
00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:00,799
Yes, that's Sally Rogers and Buddy Sorrell.
554
00:20:00,899 --> 00:20:02,901
I enjoy your work immensely.
555
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:04,203
You enjoy our work?
556
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:05,704
Yes, I have for years.
557
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:06,538
Wait a minute.
558
00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:08,874
Are you a poet or a politician?
559
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:10,609
Politician, eh? All right.
560
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:11,543
Let's see.
561
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,812
Buddy Sorrell, before Alan Brady,
562
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:16,315
you wrote for "The Billy Barrow Show."
563
00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:18,650
And before that, in early television,
564
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:23,255
you were the very fine emcee for an absolutely terrible program
565
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:24,856
called "Buddy's Band."
566
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:25,791
[laughter]
567
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:26,858
Oh, wow, memory.
568
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:29,428
And Sally Rogers, you were on the staff
569
00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:30,796
of "The Milton Berle Show."
570
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:31,730
And before that--
571
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:33,332
Oh, before that, I was a pompom
572
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:34,766
girl at Herbert Hoover High.
573
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:36,301
Onward, onward.
574
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:37,569
[laughter]
575
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:40,439
If, um-- if I may interrupt, could we come
576
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:42,074
to the purpose of this meeting?
577
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,609
Oh, yes.
578
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,911
She wants to talk to you about that blank check of yours.
579
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:47,179
My blank check.
580
00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:48,080
Isn't that funny?
581
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,214
I just remembered.
582
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:50,282
I have to go home and wash my cat.
583
00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:52,718
You washed your cat last night.
584
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:53,819
So I'll iron him.
585
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:57,923
About this check--
586
00:20:58,023 --> 00:20:59,491
Oh, the, uh, check--
587
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:02,928
Yes, the one she railroaded you into giving her last night.
588
00:21:03,028 --> 00:21:04,162
Railroaded?
589
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,298
Railroaded, hornswoggled, bamboozled.
590
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,766
You name it, she did it.
591
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:10,902
Didn't you want us to have a blank check?
592
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,204
Never.
593
00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:13,472
Uh, I mean, I had a blank check, but I was--
594
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:15,207
I was planning on filling in an amount.
595
00:21:15,307 --> 00:21:16,108
Oh.
596
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,110
Oh, I'm so sorry.
597
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,478
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
598
00:21:19,578 --> 00:21:22,080
I didn't mean to-- to railroad you.
599
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:24,583
Oh, I do apologize, Mr. Petrov.
600
00:21:24,683 --> 00:21:26,051
Petrie.
601
00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:28,220
I'm sorry.
602
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,790
Couldn't I just call you Bill?
603
00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:33,425
Why don't you just call me Rob?
604
00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:35,293
Oh, I apologize, Bob.
605
00:21:35,394 --> 00:21:36,228
That's Rob.
606
00:21:36,328 --> 00:21:37,529
Rob Petrov.
607
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:38,530
Petrie!
608
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:42,367
Now, you see, Henry?
609
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,703
No one can say that name.
610
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:46,638
Well, the important thing is to know how
611
00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:48,373
much you want us to fill in.
612
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:49,574
Oh, uh, well--
613
00:21:49,675 --> 00:21:50,942
Well, now, I'll tell you.
614
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:52,544
I'll put down a one.
615
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:56,581
And you tell us how many, uh, zeros to put after it.
616
00:21:56,682 --> 00:22:00,152
Well, uh, uh, put down, uh, one.
617
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:01,086
One?
618
00:22:01,186 --> 00:22:02,054
For a start.
619
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,822
Oh, nothing of the kind.
620
00:22:03,922 --> 00:22:05,257
No zeros.
621
00:22:05,357 --> 00:22:07,592
Oh, well, $1 is hardly enough, Mr. Walden.
622
00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:08,894
I could do a lot more than that.
623
00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,363
Yes, well, that's what I wanted you to say.
624
00:22:11,463 --> 00:22:12,564
You did?
625
00:22:12,664 --> 00:22:13,899
Yes.
626
00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:15,567
Why do you think I had them invite you to that shindig?
627
00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:18,870
You had them invite me?
628
00:22:18,970 --> 00:22:19,805
Well, of course.
629
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:21,306
Mrs. Huntington and her committee
630
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:22,841
never even heard of you.
631
00:22:22,941 --> 00:22:25,944
Well, I'm just so poor at names.
632
00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:27,079
No, not poor.
633
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:29,381
Miserable.
634
00:22:29,481 --> 00:22:31,917
Well, Mr. Walden, why did you have them invite me?
635
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,786
Well, I wanted to get you to collaborate with me.
636
00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:35,687
Sit down, my boy.
637
00:22:35,787 --> 00:22:36,688
Sit down.
638
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:38,290
- Collaborate with you? - Yeah.
639
00:22:38,390 --> 00:22:39,591
On what?
640
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:41,993
Well, some misguided television executive
641
00:22:42,094 --> 00:22:44,596
thought that I would be the perfect personality
642
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:48,600
to host and write a program on the history of American humor
643
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:50,569
from the revolution to now.
644
00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:53,105
And you want me to write it with you?
645
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:54,539
For free.
646
00:22:54,639 --> 00:22:56,341
You mean, we'd be writing together?
647
00:22:56,441 --> 00:22:57,642
Like, we'd be writing partners?
648
00:22:57,743 --> 00:22:58,377
Yeah.
649
00:22:58,477 --> 00:22:59,945
Will you do it?
650
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,780
Well, uh, why me?
651
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,015
Well, because you know humor.
652
00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:05,717
You know television.
653
00:23:05,817 --> 00:23:07,285
And you're a good writer.
654
00:23:07,385 --> 00:23:10,255
Thank you very much, but I know very little about the, uh,
655
00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:11,590
early history of American humor.
656
00:23:11,690 --> 00:23:12,991
Don't look at me.
657
00:23:13,091 --> 00:23:15,293
I don't even know the name of Paul Revere's horse.
658
00:23:15,393 --> 00:23:18,163
Chicken, son of Flica.
659
00:23:18,263 --> 00:23:20,966
[laughter]
660
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:24,102
Well, don't you worry about early American humor
661
00:23:24,202 --> 00:23:25,971
because I know all about it.
662
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:26,905
Oh, you do?
663
00:23:27,005 --> 00:23:27,739
Oh, yes.
664
00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:29,741
I was there when it all started.
665
00:23:29,841 --> 00:23:31,109
[laughter]
666
00:23:31,209 --> 00:23:32,844
What was the big punch line during the American Revolution?
667
00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:35,680
Let George do it.
668
00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:37,916
Come on, Mrs. Barrington.
669
00:23:38,016 --> 00:23:39,117
Huntington.
670
00:23:39,217 --> 00:23:40,752
Oh, yes. Huntington.
671
00:23:40,852 --> 00:23:42,154
Come on.
672
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,389
Let's get out of here and let these people get back to work.
673
00:23:44,489 --> 00:23:45,791
Goodbye, everybody.
674
00:23:45,891 --> 00:23:47,893
And write a good show because I'll be watching.
675
00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:48,827
Oh, yes.
676
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:49,995
I will, too.
677
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:50,829
Don't believe her.
678
00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:52,030
She never watches television.
679
00:23:52,130 --> 00:23:53,198
Do you?
680
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:54,633
Well, I don't have very much time.
681
00:23:54,733 --> 00:23:56,735
I'm a pretty busy bee, you know.
682
00:23:56,835 --> 00:23:57,536
Bye-bye.
683
00:23:57,636 --> 00:23:58,503
SALLY: Goodbye.
684
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:00,105
She's an intellectual snob.
685
00:24:00,205 --> 00:24:01,339
That's what she is.
686
00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:02,641
But I forgive her.
687
00:24:02,741 --> 00:24:06,344
She's got a good heart and great legs.
688
00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:09,514
[laughter]
689
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:15,554
HENRY WALDEN (ON TELEVISION): I hope, dear viewers,
690
00:24:15,654 --> 00:24:18,523
that we leave you in as good a mood
691
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:20,826
as when we said good evening.
692
00:24:20,926 --> 00:24:24,129
Now, good night.
693
00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:25,096
[applause]
694
00:24:25,197 --> 00:24:27,065
Whoa, don't you touch that.
695
00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:28,834
Well, it's over, isn't it?
696
00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:30,068
Not quite.
697
00:24:30,168 --> 00:24:34,573
The author's credits, if you don't mind.
698
00:24:34,673 --> 00:24:37,542
Directed by Jason James.
699
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:42,647
Written by Henry Walden and Robert Petrie.
700
00:24:42,747 --> 00:24:44,883
Now, you may turn it off.
701
00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:46,885
[applause]
702
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:51,790
[music playing]
47300
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