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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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OK, Buddy, here's your coffee.
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BUDDY SORRELL: What took you so long?
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I was only gone a minute.
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- Only one minute? - That's all.
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This electric pencil sharpeners
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are faster than I thought.
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Look at all I got done in one minute.
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And I thought you were wasting your time.
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I answered the telephone too.
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Oh, you didn't.
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Yeah.
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Ray Murdock called and he wants to interview
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Rob on his television show.
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It's the, ah-- what they call it?
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"The Ray Murdock X-rays".
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Yeah.
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SALLY ROGERS: Boy, Murdock, the murder.
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I'm sure Rob has enough sense to say no.
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Oh, hi, Rob.
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Hi, gang.
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Now why would anyone want to go on that show?
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Because it's a challenge, that's why.
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Oh, then you got the message, huh?
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Yeah, Marge gave it to me out the switchboard.
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Hey, you're not serious about going on that show, are you?
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ROB PETRIE: Well, I don't know.
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Because I don't climb mountains or fight bulls or hunt lions,
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I gotta do something courageous.
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BUDDY SORRELL: You want to do something courageous?
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Come to my house and say to my mother-in-law,
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you're wrong, fatso.
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Here, Rob, here's your coffee.
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Thank you.
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You know, I'd kind of like to tackle
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that Murdock It might be fun.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah?
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Fun, answering a lot of personal questions
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that are none of anybody's business?
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Answering them isn't the fun, it's parrying
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the questions, avoiding them.
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That's the fun.
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BUDDY SORRELL: That's right.
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Ah, you happen to see what Murdock
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did to that Hungarian count who wrote that book "40
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Year of Happy Marriage?"
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No, what did he do to him?
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Well, he X-rayed the count and uncovered a few skeletons.
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ROB PETRIE: What skeletons, didn't he have
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40 years of happy marriage?
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Yeah, but he forgot to mention in his book
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that the 40 happy years we spent with eight different wives.
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Well, I only have one wife, but I would just simply
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refuse to talk about her.
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Anyway, I think the least I can do is call him back.
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Marge, hey, get me Ray Murdock on the phone, will you?
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Because it is a challenge, Marge.
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Will you just get him, please?
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Look, take my advice.
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Don't get started with that guy.
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He take a string bean like you and like that, succotash.
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Ah, Mr. Murdock, ah, Rob Petrie, here.
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Gee, thanks for returning my call.
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How are you?
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ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): Fine, Mr. Murdock.
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It's Ray, the people whose work I respect.
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Oh, sure, Ray.
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Ah, what can I do for you?
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BUDDY SORRELL: Send him a rope.
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Well, how about letting me X-ray you?
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I don't know, Ray.
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Some of my friends here tell me I'd be a fool to go on.
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[chuckles] No, I wouldn't give you a rough time.
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I only do that with people who are controversial
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or who like a good fight.
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No, uh, personal questions that might embarrass me.
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Forget it.
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Just straightforward questions about how a great comedy
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show like yours gets written.
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Nothing embarrassing there.
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No, of course not.
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RAY MURDOCK (ON PHONE): Well, then you'll do it.
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Well--
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RAY MURDOCK (ON PHONE): No, fine.
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Then I'll expect you here at 5:00.
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5:00?
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You shoot at 5:00 today?
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Don't forget your blindfold.
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It's only a five minute interview.
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You'll be out of there in no time.
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Listen, I'll have the secretary call you
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and give you all the details.
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And-- and Rob, I'm very indebted to you for this.
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I'll see you at 5:00.
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Here's another one.
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What?
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Oh, let her sue me.
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Well, he was, uh, very charming.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, before she hooked
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me, my wife with charming.
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Excuse me, are you the stage manager?
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Yeah.
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I'm-- I'm Robert Petrie.
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So?
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Well, Mr. Murdock's gonna, ah--
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gonna interview me today.
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Oh, you're the comedy writer?
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Yeah.
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Is Mr. Murdock here?
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No, he gets here about five seconds before we roll.
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Five seconds, isn't that calling it a little bit close?
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Well, you see, he doesn't like to meet
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the guest before the interview.
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Why not?
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Because he doesn't like to fraternize with his opponents.
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Tell me, is he as tough on some of his guests
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as I've heard he is?
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Well, that depends.
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On what?
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What side of the bed he got up on.
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Oh.
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Which side of the bed did he get up on this morning?
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RAY MURDOCK: This is my show and don't you forget it.
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Oh, hey, there.
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Uh-huh.
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I think he slept on the floor.
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OK.
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Yes, yes, he's here.
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They're ready for you, Mr. Petrie.
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Will you just sit right down there, please?
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Oh, yeah, thank you.
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All right, let me get this on you.
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Oh, don't strap me in too tight, warden.
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[chuckles] Yeah, just talk into there, huh?
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Yes.
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Is it all right if I smoke?
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Shh.
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ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Ray Murdock X-rays Robert Petrie.
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And here to turn the X-ray on Mr. Petrie is Ray Murdock.
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Mr. Robert Petrie is the chief writer
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of that popular weekly musical variety
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program, "The Alan Brady Show".
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Good evening, Rob.
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Oh, ah, good evening, Ray.
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[chuckles]
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Rob, are you married?
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Well, yeah.
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Yes, I am.
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Would you consider yourself happily married?
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Well, Ray, I'd--
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I'd rather not answer any personal questions,
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if you don't mind. [chuckles]
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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You don't have to answer that question if you'd rather not.
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Well, I'd rather not.
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I understand.
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You understand what, Ray?
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I understand that you would rather
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not talk about your marriage.
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Oh, no, wait a minute, Ray.
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Don't put me-- don't put words in my mouth.
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Don't put me in a corner.
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I'm happily married.
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It's just that I don't see what that
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has to do with what we agreed to talk about, comedy writing.
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Well, that's got a bit to do with comedy writing.
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Oh, well, I guess I just don't see that.
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Oh, you might if you let me question
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you without censoring me.
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Oh, I don't want to censor you, Ray.
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I mean, there's no need to be nervous.
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Oh I'm--
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I'm just-- I'm not nervous.
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Do you mind if I smoke?
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It's perfectly all right.
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Oh, thank you.
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Oh, I forgot to close the cover before striking.
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Ah, here I'll just put that out.
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I'm sorry.
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No, I don't want to censor you, Ray.
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Ah, you just fire away.
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Well, no pun intended.
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Well, I hope not.
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No, the reason I ask you about your marriage
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is I wondered how your wife feels being
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married to a comedy writer.
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Well, I'm afraid you'd have to ask--
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ask her that question, Ray.
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I thought we were gonna talk about comedy writing.
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Well, you, uh, run a lot of sketches with home
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life situations, don't you?
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Yes, we do.
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I see.
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Well, from what source do you get most of the material
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for these sketches, books you read, movies, other television
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plays, from life itself?
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Well, ah, observing life, I guess.
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Oh, come now, Mr. Petrie.
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Are you saying that television comedy
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writers observe life and then comment on it as say Twain did?
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Yes.
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RAY MURDOCK: Mhm.
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Well, maybe not as well as Twain did.
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Maybe not as well.
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Well, all right, then definitely not as well.
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But we do use life.
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Can you give me one example of a sketch you got from life?
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Yes.
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Ah-- um-- there was, um--
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we did eh-- um, wait.
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Um, we had the--
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I-- there was one way back we did, I remember.
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What was it?
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Have you done many of those?
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Yeah, 100, 100.
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But you can't seem to think of one?
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Well, you caught me unprepared here.
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I see.
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Well, we'll come back to that question
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a little later if you think of one.
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The one about, ah--
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No, wait a minute.
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Wait a minute, Ray.
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I'll give you half a dozen examples right now.
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We did one about-- about a wife who likes to open her husband's
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mail all the time, and she's embarrassed one day
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when a package comes and it contains
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an inflatable life raft, see.
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And she gets stuck in a closet with it.
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Well, then that's life.
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That's very amusing.
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We had one there where a wife varnished the-- the dining room
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chairs the same night that she was having a dinner party,
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you see.
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And three of the guests end up stuck to the chairs
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and had to go home without their pants.
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[chuckles] It happened.
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It actually happened.
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And then we had one where a wife is taking the little boy
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to school, see, and she's just wearing a robe and a nightgown.
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On the way back, she has a flat tire,
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right on the corner in front of where
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they're having a dedication ceremony for a brand new bank.
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[chuckles] And then we--
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[laughs] we had one were a newlywed wife
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pours turpentine instead of salad
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oil on her husband's salad.
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They had to pump my stomach.
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Now just-- just a minute now.
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Are you saying all these bizarre goings on actually
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happened to your wife?
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That's right, to my wife.
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And we wrote comedy sketches based
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on her actual experiences.
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I-- she has done some of the funniest things.
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She-- see, [clears throat] Ray.
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Let me say this.
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I-- I don't want you or your viewers
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to get the impression that my wife's some kind
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of a scatterbrain or something.
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Why would anyone get that impression?
265
00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:02,141
Well, Ray, these things happened, all right,
266
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:03,910
but they could have happened to anybody.
267
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,512
Oh, sure anyone who drives around in her nightgown
268
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:08,881
and mixes turpentine and salads--
269
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,283
Well, Ray, now just a minute.
270
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,852
What about all those humorous domestic quarrels
271
00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:15,488
Alan Brady does on the show, did you get those
272
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:17,323
from your marital files too?
273
00:09:17,423 --> 00:09:20,459
Well, no, not all of them.
274
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,496
Tell me, how does your wife feel about the whole country
275
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,331
laughing at the things that she said to you
276
00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:26,599
in the privacy of your home?
277
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:29,001
Well, ah, Ray, she, um--
278
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:30,436
she understands.
279
00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:31,604
She knows I'm a comedy writer.
280
00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:32,905
And she forgives you for holding
281
00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:34,707
her up to national ridicule?
282
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:38,110
Well, Ray, right up to this moment,
283
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:42,648
I don't think the country was aware that, ah, those comedy
284
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:45,251
sketches were, you know, based on my wife's
285
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:46,819
actual experiences.
286
00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:49,422
Well, that's what we're here for to X-ray and enlighten.
287
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:50,823
Well, Ray--
288
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:53,726
I hope Robert Petrie's X-ray has shed some light
289
00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:56,195
on how a successful comedy writer collects
290
00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:57,597
grist for his humor mill.
291
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:58,564
ROB PETRIE: Well, Ray, I'd like to straighten out
292
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:00,032
a couple things.
293
00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:02,702
In just 60 seconds, I'll get back to turn my X-ray
294
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:05,604
onto [inaudible] who for two years
295
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:07,907
masqueraded as a dope addict.
296
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:09,375
STAGE MANAGER: Cut! That's a print.
297
00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:10,309
Hey, listen--
298
00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:12,545
Mr. Murdock.
299
00:10:12,645 --> 00:10:13,512
Mis-- Mis--
300
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,447
Hey, Rob.
301
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:15,815
Hey, Rob.
302
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:16,882
We were watching the show in the control room.
303
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:18,084
I hope you don't mind.
304
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,185
Hey, where do we send the flowers?
305
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,486
You saw that fiasco?
306
00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:22,188
BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, maybe you better sleep at my house
307
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,289
for a couple of years.
308
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,257
Did it really sound like I was rapping her?
309
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:27,927
Well, it wasn't exactly a testimonial you did.
310
00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,762
Oh, boy, do I hope she was out shopping.
311
00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:31,030
Or varnishing chairs.
312
00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:34,533
Don't worry about it.
313
00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:35,835
Laura didn't see the program.
314
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:36,802
How can you be so sure?
315
00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:38,070
Because it's taped.
316
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:39,472
It doesn't go on until 8 o'clock tonight.
317
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:40,973
I just asked one of the staff. - Huh?
318
00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:42,675
BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, you better go home and start
319
00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:44,176
busting television tools.
320
00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:47,179
Yeah, Laura-- Laura doesn't know this is on tonight.
321
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:49,548
All I gotta do is keep her away from that television set.
322
00:10:49,648 --> 00:10:50,816
Well, Rob, is there anything we can do?
323
00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:52,151
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
324
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:53,652
About a couple of minutes before 8 o'clock--
325
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:55,054
SALLY ROGERS: Yeah.
326
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,223
--you call and tell Laura that you like her recipe
327
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,958
for vichyssoise or something. - All right.
328
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:00,292
Well, just to be on the safe side,
329
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,727
I'll ask for the recipe for date nut bread too.
330
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:02,928
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
331
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:03,963
If she ever sees this show, my wife is
332
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,231
never gonna speak to me again.
333
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,065
Yeah?
334
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,366
Hey, how can I get on this show?
335
00:11:07,466 --> 00:11:08,401
Oh.
336
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,349
Ah, honey, are you gonna watch television?
337
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:24,884
Yeah, for a little while.
338
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:26,485
Oh, that's too bad.
339
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:27,586
Why?
340
00:11:27,686 --> 00:11:29,321
I was gonna fix it.
341
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,489
What's the matter with it?
342
00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:33,125
Well, the vertical hold won't hold,
343
00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:36,429
and the linearity is going all like that.
344
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:40,599
The linearity isn't going on like that at all.
345
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:41,801
Well, honey, it goes in and out.
346
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,135
It comes and goes.
347
00:11:43,235 --> 00:11:45,404
Ritchie all missed the cartoons on the credits.
348
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:48,774
I'll just adjust it here.
349
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:51,210
Oh, Rob, it was working well enough for me.
350
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:52,912
Why don't you just leave it for now, darling?
351
00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:56,582
Well, honey, it's liable do all those crazy things
352
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:58,084
just as the climax comes.
353
00:11:58,184 --> 00:11:59,718
But dear, I'm only going to watch for a little while.
354
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:00,820
I think I'll get in bed and read.
355
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:01,921
I'm kind of tired.
356
00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:03,222
Well, honey, look.
357
00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:04,824
If you're tired, why don't you go to bed now?
358
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,358
I'll massage your shoulders for you.
359
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,894
No, I'm just gonna watch for an hour or so.
360
00:12:08,994 --> 00:12:11,063
Ah, that's until 8:30, huh?
361
00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:11,897
Or 9:00.
362
00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:13,199
Would you plug it in, darling?
363
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:15,568
Well, honey, what are you gonna watch?
364
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:18,170
Nothing until you plug it in.
365
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:23,909
Hey, as long as the plug's out, let's go to a movie, huh?
366
00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:26,545
Honey, I bet we haven't seen a movie since--
367
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:27,780
Last night.
368
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,148
Last night?
369
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,417
I gotta get this watch fixed.
370
00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:32,651
Rob, plug.
371
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:33,819
You want me to plug this in, huh?
372
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,354
Would you?
373
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:39,792
Well, I guess I can plug it in there for a little while.
374
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,460
ANNOUNCER: And at 8 o'clock tonight, Ray
375
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,429
Murdock X-rays the well-known--
376
00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:47,466
Oops, see, I pulled the plug out there, honey.
377
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:48,801
The well-known who?
378
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:50,503
I don't know, probably some well-known
379
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,470
dope addict or something.
380
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:52,872
I don't know.
381
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:54,507
Gee, hon, these prongs seem to be spread too far.
382
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:55,875
I can't get them in there.
383
00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,810
They won't go in there.
384
00:12:57,910 --> 00:12:59,612
Yeah, there.
385
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:01,213
That's pretty snug.
386
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:04,016
ANNOUNCER: [inaudible],, who for two years masqueraded as a--
387
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,786
Was a snug prong there-- snug prong.
388
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:07,753
What did he masquerade as?
389
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:08,821
I didn't get that.
390
00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:10,923
ANNOUNCER: At 8 o'clock tonight.
391
00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:12,124
What time is it now, dear?
392
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:14,260
Well, it's about a quarter of 8:00.
393
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,862
Well, I guess I can wait until then.
394
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:20,099
Hey, honey, you know something we
395
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:22,101
haven't done for a long time?
396
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:23,335
What?
397
00:13:23,435 --> 00:13:24,837
Well, something you've just been begging me to do.
398
00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:26,172
Rob, what are you doing?
399
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:27,706
I told you, something you've been asking
400
00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:29,175
me to do for a long time.
401
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,810
Rob, I never asked you to move furniture.
402
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,712
I gotta start sometime.
403
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:36,949
Rob, why are you doing this awful thing to our living room?
404
00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:39,518
And I told you for a good cause.
405
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:40,452
OK.
406
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,487
OK, I give up.
407
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:42,988
Why have you emptied our room?
408
00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:46,225
So you and I can dance.
409
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:47,893
What on Earth has gotten into you?
410
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:50,563
A rhythmic impulse has gotten into me.
411
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,032
Wait until you hear this recording that I've got here.
412
00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:54,733
Oh, darling, I don't think I can dance.
413
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,268
I'm a little tired.
414
00:13:56,368 --> 00:14:00,072
Oh, boy, I feel like Don O'Connor, Fred Astaire and Gene
415
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,974
Kelly all wrapped into one.
416
00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:03,776
I'm sorry, fellas, but I don't think I can
417
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:05,077
keep up with any one of you.
418
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:06,745
Oh, honey, come on, my little--
419
00:14:06,845 --> 00:14:07,880
my little dancing bunny.
420
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:09,014
Well, you used to tell me that you
421
00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:10,216
were never too tired to dance.
422
00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:11,283
I lied.
423
00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:13,853
Oh, honey, just put yourself in my hands
424
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:15,487
and leave the dancing to us.
425
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:16,589
Oh, Rob. No, I can't.
426
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:17,623
Now come on.
427
00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:25,057
Thank you, Fred, Gene and Don.
428
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:26,892
Honey, you're one-- look, let's do one more.
429
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:28,227
No, Rob. I'm too tired.
430
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:29,862
Come on, honey, this is a nice slow dreamy one.
431
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:31,764
You-- you love slow dreamy ones.
432
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:32,865
You know something?
433
00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:33,766
You're a nut.
434
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,035
Oh, yeah.
435
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:37,002
Don't answer, honey.
436
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:38,470
It's probably just Sally.
437
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,506
Well, no, darling, it might be something important.
438
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:41,440
Hello?
439
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:42,541
Sally, right?
440
00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:44,576
Yes, this is Mrs. Petrie.
441
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,279
What, in five minutes?
442
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:49,982
Yes, thank you very much.
443
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:51,884
That was Ray Murdock's office saying your interview
444
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:52,918
goes on in five minute.
445
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,453
What interview? - Interview?
446
00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:55,554
Gee, what?
447
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,790
Raymond Murdock, you say.
448
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:58,791
I don't remember.
449
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,159
It's some silly thing I did.
450
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:01,927
Honey, come on, let's finish our dance, huh?
451
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:03,228
No, Rob.
452
00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:04,363
We can finish the dance after the interview.
453
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:05,698
No, let's finish it now, honey.
454
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:06,865
Why do we have to finish it now?
455
00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:08,233
Well, you may not want to dance
456
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,836
with me after the interview.
457
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:13,205
Did you say something on that show you don't want me to hear?
458
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,740
[gasps] No, honey.
459
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,975
I'm just in the dancing mood.
460
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:18,610
I don't get in a dancing mood very often, honey.
461
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:20,479
Who knows when I'll get in a dancing mood again,
462
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:21,413
may be years.
463
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:22,381
[phone rings]
464
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:24,917
Hold on.
465
00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:26,018
Hi Sally.
466
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:28,687
I mean, hello.
467
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:30,456
Yes, she's here, just a minute.
468
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:31,757
Hey, honey.
469
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:34,560
Sally what's your recipe for cold vichyssoise and date
470
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:35,928
nut bread.
471
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:37,162
Oh, would you tell her I'll call her back after the show.
472
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:38,263
No, honey, it's an emergency.
473
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:39,631
Come on.
474
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,133
A vichyssoise emergency?
475
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:42,568
Well, honey, I know it sounds silly,
476
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,603
but if you don't give Sally this recipe right now--
477
00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:45,738
What'll happen?
478
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:46,972
Well, two of her best friends are
479
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:49,241
gonna have a terrible fight.
480
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,342
I see.
481
00:16:50,442 --> 00:16:51,877
Well, tell Sally I'm gonna watch the show,
482
00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:55,381
but thank her for a good try.
483
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:56,615
Forget it, Sal.
484
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:58,584
No, she won't, she won't. That's all right.
485
00:16:58,684 --> 00:16:59,585
Thanks anyway.
486
00:17:05,991 --> 00:17:07,159
Don't touch that dial.
487
00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:08,861
Well, honey, the horizontal, it's off.
488
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,997
Rob, go to your room!
489
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:14,233
Can you please let me see the show?
490
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:20,572
Hey, honey, this Murdock guy sure can put people in a hole.
491
00:17:20,672 --> 00:17:21,707
Rob, I can't hear.
492
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:22,975
ANNOUNCER: --is Robert Petrie.
493
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,376
Honey, look.
494
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:25,677
There's nothing to hear, but awful lot of garbage.
495
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,646
Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to hear
496
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,248
every word of this garbage.
497
00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:31,283
And if you say one more word, I'll never speak to you again.
498
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:32,418
OK.
499
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:34,186
ANNOUNCER: Here to turn the X-ray on Mr. Petrie
500
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:35,621
is Ray Murdock.
501
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,256
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Mr. Robert Petrie--
502
00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:39,558
And don't go up on the roof to adjust the antenna.
503
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,163
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Good evening, Rob.
504
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:46,465
ROB PETRIE (ON TV): Oh, ah, good evening, Ray.
505
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,567
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Rob, are you married?
506
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:50,436
ROB PETRIE (ON TV): Well, yeah. Yes, I am.
507
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:51,403
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Would you consider
508
00:17:51,503 --> 00:17:52,404
yourself happily married?
509
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:56,642
--up to national ridicule?
510
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:57,576
Well, what, Ray?
511
00:17:57,676 --> 00:17:59,878
[chuckles] Right up to this moment,
512
00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:04,416
I don't think the country was aware that, ah, those comedy
513
00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:07,019
sketches were, you know, based on my wife's
514
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:08,587
actual experiences.
515
00:18:08,687 --> 00:18:11,657
Well, that's what we're here for, to X-ray and enlighten.
516
00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:26,638
[laughs] Wanna--
517
00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:27,706
wanna finish our dance?
518
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,377
Our marriage?
519
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:38,016
Why, you're angry, aren't you, honey?
520
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,318
What, I don't blame you.
521
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:41,353
I was plenty upset about it too.
522
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,522
Well, you could-- I was trapped, you could tell that.
523
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:47,426
I was trying to extricate myself from it, honey.
524
00:18:47,526 --> 00:18:50,395
Honey, look, you know how I really feel about you.
525
00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:56,335
You told the whole world that you married a nut!
526
00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:57,936
Not the world, it's a local show.
527
00:18:58,036 --> 00:19:01,240
(WHIMPERING) I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.
528
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,409
You told everyone about my private mistakes.
529
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,145
Is there nothing sacred?
530
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:07,546
I won't be able to go outside anymore.
531
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:08,413
--on that show.
532
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:09,615
I won't be able to show my face
533
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:10,983
because everybody is going to point
534
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,253
and say, look, there goes the nut.
535
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:17,122
Honey, I didn't do it to ridicule you.
536
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:19,691
Well, if you did it not to ridicule me, Rob,
537
00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:22,127
you failed miserably.
538
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:23,428
Laura, you know something?
539
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,497
I think you're taking this too seriously.
540
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:26,598
Am I?
541
00:19:26,698 --> 00:19:28,567
Well, you don't have to go to the supermarket
542
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,135
and the beauty parlor and the PTA
543
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,271
and hear the hoots and the snickers.
544
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:33,939
Honey, what hoots and snickers?
545
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:35,440
Now, if you'll think back, you'll
546
00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:37,176
remember that I didn't say one thing that could
547
00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:38,944
provoke any hoots and snickers.
548
00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:42,748
Oh, [gasps] sending people home without their pants?
549
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:43,916
You don't think--
550
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:44,850
Oh, honey.
551
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:46,018
All right, I apologize.
552
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,386
But believe me, nobody's gonna think
553
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:48,787
you're a kook or anything.
554
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:51,290
I bet you none of your friends even saw that show.
555
00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:53,158
How can you be so sure?
556
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,359
Because, honey, if they saw it,
557
00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:55,761
you can bet that that phone--
558
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,030
[phone rings]
559
00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:59,431
--would be ringing.
560
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,470
I'll get it.
561
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:06,572
Hello?
562
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:08,840
Ah, well, yeah, just a minute.
563
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,442
She's-- she's here.
564
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:16,048
Honey, it's a lady calling for you and she is not snickering.
565
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,516
She'll be right with you.
566
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,455
Can I help you?
567
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,457
Well, I'm-- I'm sorry, my wife just
568
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,926
stepped under a cold shower.
569
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:30,495
That's not a bad idea, honey.
570
00:20:30,596 --> 00:20:31,330
What?
571
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:33,131
Oh, you saw it.
572
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,368
Well, ah, yeah, they're true.
573
00:20:36,468 --> 00:20:38,437
Yeah, she did.
574
00:20:38,537 --> 00:20:40,138
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but I can't
575
00:20:40,238 --> 00:20:43,041
think of any more stories.
576
00:20:43,141 --> 00:20:44,876
I beg you pardon.
577
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:47,412
Well, yeah, a great deal.
578
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:51,183
Well, no, I'm afraid you have to ask her that question.
579
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:54,152
Ah, she's still in the shower.
580
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,053
No.
581
00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:55,988
No, Mrs. Thorley.
582
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:57,222
No, I'll remember.
583
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,890
Wait, oh, I got the number.
584
00:20:58,991 --> 00:20:59,825
Huh?
585
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,059
Got it, good.
586
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:03,562
Yeah, I'll tell her to call, but I'm afraid she's not
587
00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:05,097
going to be interested in that.
588
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,031
Yeah, you're welcome.
589
00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:07,032
Goodbye.
590
00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:11,203
That was Mrs. Thorley.
591
00:21:11,303 --> 00:21:12,738
She wants you to call her back.
592
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:16,475
And you say I'm not gonna hear from my friends about this.
593
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:20,312
That's Mrs. Thorley calling, and I've never even heard of her.
594
00:21:20,412 --> 00:21:23,448
[sobbing]
595
00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:26,451
Well, honey, aren't you gonna call her back?
596
00:21:26,551 --> 00:21:30,255
She was-- she was mighty anxious to talk to you.
597
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:34,626
Well, I'm impressed, very, very impressed.
598
00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:37,129
You're really getting up in the world.
599
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:39,264
Boy, I don't know.
600
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:42,200
I'm a-- I'm a big television comedy writer.
601
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,703
Mrs. [inaudible] never called me.
602
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:49,775
No, sir, not the editor of "Home and House" magazine.
603
00:21:56,615 --> 00:21:57,883
What did she want?
604
00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,818
Oh, I don't know some--
605
00:21:59,918 --> 00:22:01,386
some kind of an interview with you, honey.
606
00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:02,587
I don't know what it was.
607
00:22:02,688 --> 00:22:03,922
It seems like they're doing a feature
608
00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:06,191
on the-- on the woman behind the men or some
609
00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:07,592
silly thing like that.
610
00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:10,062
She wanted to do an interview about me?
611
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,630
Oh, yes, of course she did.
612
00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:14,299
She has some ridiculous idea that you were the inspiration
613
00:22:14,399 --> 00:22:15,634
in all my work that I do.
614
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:19,471
[chuckles] Where did she get an idea like that?
615
00:22:19,571 --> 00:22:20,806
You know what she said?
616
00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:22,341
She said what a lucky guy I am to have such
617
00:22:22,441 --> 00:22:26,078
a creative wife, silly woman.
618
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:27,913
She wants to write about me?
619
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,681
Oh, yeah, but I told her you probably
620
00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,450
wouldn't be interested anyway.
621
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:32,751
You know what she asked me?
622
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:34,453
She asked me if you ever did or suggested
623
00:22:34,553 --> 00:22:36,822
anything else that I used to write about on the show?
624
00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:38,890
And I said I couldn't think of anything.
625
00:22:38,990 --> 00:22:42,260
Now actually that's true, there isn't anything else.
626
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,097
I guess we won't be needing this.
627
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:46,131
There.
628
00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:04,716
New Rochelle, 69970.
629
00:23:04,816 --> 00:23:06,318
LAURA PETRIE: Boy, oh, boy, Robert Petrie.
630
00:23:06,418 --> 00:23:08,954
It's fine for you to make fun of me on your television show.
631
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:11,123
But the minute I get a chance to vindicate
632
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,058
myself, oh, that's different.
633
00:23:13,158 --> 00:23:14,826
Hello, Mrs. Thorley?
634
00:23:14,926 --> 00:23:16,528
Well, this is Laura Petrie calling,
635
00:23:16,628 --> 00:23:18,130
my husband just told me.
636
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,164
Yes.
637
00:23:19,264 --> 00:23:22,100
Oh, I would just love to.
638
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,802
No, gee, I don't know what--
639
00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:25,771
what Josephine did for Napoleon, but I do
640
00:23:25,871 --> 00:23:27,205
know what I've done for my Rob.
641
00:23:27,305 --> 00:23:30,308
[chuckles] Lunch on Thursday?
642
00:23:30,408 --> 00:23:31,476
Well, I'd love to.
643
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:33,111
But why don't we have lunch tonight?
644
00:23:33,211 --> 00:23:34,613
Yeah.
645
00:23:34,713 --> 00:23:36,715
You can over to mine, or I can come over to your house
646
00:23:36,815 --> 00:23:38,817
or you can come over here or we could meet halfway.
647
00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:40,685
Whatever you say, Mrs. Thorley.
648
00:23:40,786 --> 00:23:42,454
Oh, yes, there are hundreds of others.
649
00:23:42,554 --> 00:23:43,989
I can tell you all about them.
650
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,258
I can go from A right down to Z. They're all hysterical.
651
00:23:46,358 --> 00:23:47,159
They're wonderful.
652
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:48,827
I am the nut, yes.
653
00:23:52,697 --> 00:23:54,633
Come on, Rob, try to think now because I have to meet Mrs.
654
00:23:54,733 --> 00:23:57,102
Thorley tomorrow and I want to have as many things as possible
655
00:23:57,202 --> 00:23:58,303
to tell her.
656
00:23:58,403 --> 00:24:00,138
What other kooky things did I inspire?
657
00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:02,140
Well, there was a time you were
658
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:03,408
a week late for the wedding--
659
00:24:03,508 --> 00:24:04,342
Oh, good.
660
00:24:04,442 --> 00:24:05,877
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
661
00:24:05,977 --> 00:24:10,448
And, ah, when you put the starch in my swimming trunks.
662
00:24:10,549 --> 00:24:12,851
Got that.
663
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:14,953
All right, so I can't think of anything else, honey.
664
00:24:15,053 --> 00:24:18,256
Oh, darling, there must be lots more that I inspired.
665
00:24:18,356 --> 00:24:20,725
I think it's about it.
666
00:24:20,826 --> 00:24:25,363
Hey, how about the time that you lost your wedding
667
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:26,498
ring in a muffin?
668
00:24:26,598 --> 00:24:31,102
Good, goo-- when did I do that?
669
00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:32,137
Well, I don't know.
670
00:24:32,237 --> 00:24:34,673
When did you make these muffins?
671
00:24:34,773 --> 00:24:37,976
Oh, Rob, I thought I'd lost it.
672
00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:39,344
I was so worried.
673
00:24:39,444 --> 00:24:42,914
I-- well, you know, this will be the funniest one of all.
674
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:49,654
[theme song]
47857
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