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[MUSIC - THEME "ThE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
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The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rosemary Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[approaching voices]
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Hi, Rob.
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Morning.
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Hi, fellas.
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Fellas.
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He said it again.
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He said fellas.
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Well, I'm sorry, Sally.
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You're always talking about how you like to be
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treated like one of the guys.
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Yeah, but not when I'm wearing my most feminine outfit.
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Fellas.
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I'm sorry, Sal.
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Look, Rob, just for once make believe I'm a girl.
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We'll do our best, Fred.
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Look, I know I'm doing a man's job, but I am a lady.
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And I should like to say one thing.
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If you gentlemen called me fella once more
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I'm going to belt you one.
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We'll try, Sal.
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Yeah, boy, I know how hard you hit.
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OK, come on.
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Let's get some work done around this office for a change.
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Hey, you know something, we're out of carbon paper.
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Oh, I'll get some.
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Not today, Sal.
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Allow me, your ladyship.
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Agile, isn't he?
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Hey, Sally.
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Yeah, Bud?
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Did I imagine it, or did Rob throw
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something in that top drawer just as we came in?
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Like he didn't want us to see what it was?
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Yeah, something like that.
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I don't think you imagined it.
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That's what I thought.
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Buddy, you got a match.
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No, but there might be some in the desk there.
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Good idea, try the top drawer.
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Right.
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I'll take a look.
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Did you find any?
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Any what?
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Matches.
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Hey, this is interesting.
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What?
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[phone ringing]
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Come in.
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[phone ringing]
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Answer the phone.
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Hello?
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Oh.
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Yeah, all right.
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Yeah.
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Fine.
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What was that?
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That's Rob.
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He's in Allen's office working on a new monologue with him.
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They've been there about a half hour.
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He says for us to try and come up with some new ideas.
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They've been there a half hour?
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Yeah.
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You got an idea?
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Yeah, but I don't know how good it is.
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It's a terrible idea.
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You're right.
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We shouldn't do it.
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That's right, we shouldn't.
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Open the drawer, you're wasting time.
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Gee, this is awfully good.
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What do you think it's for?
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Well, isn't it obvious?
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Rob's writing his memoirs.
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You mean it's going to be made up into a book?
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If someone publishes it.
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Buddy, I-- I don't feel right about this.
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This is like reading Rob's diary.
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You said it's going to be a book.
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Everybody will read it.
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But maybe we ought to wait till he publishes it.
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Why?
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Gee wiz.
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Hey, I just remembered.
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A couple of weeks ago Rob said to me
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that he had something he was writing he wanted me to read.
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Really?
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Honest.
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She said yes, a hesitant, frightened, yes but a yes.
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Did she hear the question correctly?
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It had been fairly well mangled.
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Let me read by myself.
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ROB VOICEOVER: There was no mistake.
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She had said yes.
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I had expected a no, and frankly, would have preferred
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an, I'd like to think about it.
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But now I was stuck.
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How could I talk my captain into giving me two three-day passes?
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Why do you need two three-day passes?
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Well, sir Captain, I'm getting married next week
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and my girl, she's dancing over to the USO show, and I--
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well, she's a girl.
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Well, you know how girls are, sir.
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She wants a honeymoon.
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Well, I'm giving you a three day pass for that.
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Why do you want another one?
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Sir, I have to go back to Danville, Illinois
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to tell my other fiancee that I can't marry her too.
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Oh.
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I see.
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You want to get rid of the girl back home.
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Well, no, no, sir.
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Not exactly.
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She said-- well, yeah, more or less.
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I'm sorry, Petri, one three day pass is it.
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But-- but sir--
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And you can either use it for your honeymoon,
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or you can go back to Danville and do the manly thing.
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Now it's your choice.
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Well, sir, I don't know what to do.
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I know what I'd do.
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I'd tell that girl back home.
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Oh, sir, would you?
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It would mean so much more coming from a Captain.
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Sergeant!
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Yes, sir.
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I understand, sir.
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I'll do it.
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Yes, sir.
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Thank you anyway, sir.
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Danville, Illinois.
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ROB VOICEOVER: The cold beads of perspiration standing out
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of my forehead, I wandered around the rec-hall
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where Laura was rehearsing for the USO show.
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I tried to get up enough courage to tell
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her our honeymoon might have to be postponed a few years.
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I had three courses open to me.
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I could tell Laura that instead of taking her on a honeymoon,
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I was going to Danville by myself
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to tell my hometown fiancee I was marrying another girl.
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Or Laura and I can go to Danville on our honeymoon,
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and while we were there, I could have Laura tell her.
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Or I could go to the rifle range and stand in front of a target.
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While mulling these grim alternatives,
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I took two or three more turns around the rec-hall.
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Meanwhile, Laura's best friend Millie Crumbermacher
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wasn't helping me at all.
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Laura?
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Huh?
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I know what the surprise is.
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What surprise?
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The one Rob's coming over to tell you about.
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Rob's coming over with a surprise?
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- Yeah. - How do you know?
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Well, never mind.
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Well, don't you dare tell me what it is.
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If it's a surprise, I want Rob to tell me.
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What is it?
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No!
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OK, I won't, but it's going to make you so happy.
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I don't think I could be any happier.
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What is it?
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No, Millie, don't you dare.
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Is it something you can hold?
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Don't you tell me, I'll never speak to you again!
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My wedding dress!
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My wedding dress has arrived, that's it, isn't it?
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Millie, I'm warning you, now don't spoil it for me.
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My aunt Martha is from Ohio, and Rob's bringing her here.
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That's it, isn't it?
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Isn't it?
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Millie, how can you be so mean?
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You really want me to tell you?
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No!
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Give me a hint.
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A tiny, bad, hint.
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OK.
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It has to do with time.
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He bought me a watch for a wedding present.
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Is he sweet!
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But he shouldn't have done it, he doesn't
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have that kind of money.
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Well, that's it. Right?
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I guessed it, it's a watch.
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Millie, why did you give me such a good hint?
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It's not a watch.
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But you said it had to do with time.
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What else has to do with time?
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An egg timer?
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Well, there are other things.
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Millie, if you're going to give me that kind of a hint.
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Time.
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Three day pass.
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He got the three day pass!
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How'd you find out?
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Well.
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You can tell me.
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Well, Sam was in the orderly room when Rob got the pass.
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Millie, I could kill you for telling me!
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[knocking]
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That's Rob, that's his knock, I
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know that sweet, sensitive hand anywhere.
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Hi Sam.
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Hi Laura. Hi Mel.
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Hi Sam.
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They want you on stage for rehearsal.
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OK.
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Hey Laura, your fella's out here.
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Would you ask me to come in, please?
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Come on in, Rob.
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Hi Laura.
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Hi.
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Hi Mil.
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Hi.
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Honey.
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Could we stay in here for a few minutes?
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I have something and I'd like to tell you privately.
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Well, it's against the rules.
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Well, I'll see if we can change the rules,
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and we'll call you when we need you.
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Come on, Sam.
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Thanks, Millie.
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Thanks a lot, Mil.
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I'll see you later, Sam.
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Would you like some coffee?
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No, no, thanks, honey.
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I got something I'd like to tell you.
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Oh?
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Is it something that'll please me?
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Well, I'm not sure.
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Oh, darling, anything you tell me is sure to please me.
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Well, honey, I just saw the Captain.
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Darling, I know.
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Millie just told me.
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You got the three day pass for our honeymoon!
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Darling, I'm so happy.
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Well, where should we go?
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Huh?
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For our three day honeymoon.
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Oh, that.
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Well, I--
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Rob, you did get the pass, didn't you.
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Oh, yeah.
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Yeah, I got one.
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Rob, are you disappointed because I didn't let you tell
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me about it and surprise me?
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Well, no.
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The truth is-- uh, well, as you guessed, honey,
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I got this pass.
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You don't seem very happy about it.
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Well, I'm not.
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You're not?
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Well, I mean not for the reason that you think, though.
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I'm not thinking of any reason.
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Well, I mean, not for the reason
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that I thought you were thinking.
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What did you think I thought?
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Well, I thought maybe you thought I was unhappy
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because, you know, I had misgivings about, you know, us,
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about getting married.
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Why did you think I thought that?
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Honey, come over here and sit down a minute, will you.
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I want to tell you something.
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You want me to sit down?
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Yeah.
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Why?
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Are you going to shock me?
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No.
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I'm not-- you can stand up, if you want to.
272
00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:57,730
Just sit down.
273
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,902
Well, if you don't mind, I'd rather stand.
274
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:09,508
Well, Rob, what is it?
275
00:10:09,608 --> 00:10:11,944
Well, Laura, you know, I know how
276
00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:14,814
we've been talking and planning about the wedding and
277
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,082
the honeymoon and everything.
278
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:19,251
And I think-- oh, boy, I think if you're
279
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:22,722
going to go on a honeymoon, you know, I know,
280
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:24,290
I think honeymoons are great.
281
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:27,493
I've been told.
282
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:30,129
But I mean, when you go on a honeymoon,
283
00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:33,499
honey, if a girl a guy, if they get married.
284
00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:34,700
If they get married?
285
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,402
I'm not-- when.
286
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:37,303
When.
287
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:38,337
You said if.
288
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:39,538
Honey, I meant when.
289
00:10:39,638 --> 00:10:41,407
I get those two mixed up all the time.
290
00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:49,615
Anyway, what I want to say is, honey, I saw the Captain,
291
00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:52,318
and I ask him for two three day passes,
292
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,721
and all he would give me is this one here.
293
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,656
You're upset because you didn't
294
00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,792
get two three day passes?
295
00:10:59,892 --> 00:11:01,160
Oh, yeah, very.
296
00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:03,362
You wanted six days?
297
00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:05,498
Oh, you don't know.
298
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,099
Oh, Rob.
299
00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:09,702
I thought when you said if that you meant if and that there'd
300
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,003
never be a when.
301
00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:13,172
Oh, darling, I'm so happy you got that pass.
302
00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:13,906
[knocking]
303
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,675
SAM: [inaudible] Laura.
304
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,309
Thanks, Sam.
305
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,445
Well, where should we go for our honeymoon?
306
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:21,447
Well, Danville, Illinois?
307
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:22,915
All the way back there?
308
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,384
Well, we could go to the rifle range.
309
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:30,623
We can talk about it later.
310
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:33,125
Bye-bye.
311
00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:34,326
Thank you, Sam.
312
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,361
Yeah.
313
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:38,497
Did you tell her?
314
00:11:38,597 --> 00:11:39,865
No.
315
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,434
You didn't tell her.
316
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,035
How could I, Sam?
317
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:44,870
How can I tell her that I got to go get rid of another fiancee
318
00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,173
before I can marry her and go on a honeymoon with her?
319
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,776
You could write a note and pin it to her tutu.
320
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:51,710
Write a note, Sam?
321
00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:53,245
What do you think I am?
322
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:54,480
I don't know.
323
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,482
Any guy that would get himself engaged to two girls
324
00:11:56,582 --> 00:11:57,616
at the same time.
325
00:11:57,716 --> 00:11:59,118
Sam, I told you how that happened.
326
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:02,888
And I forgave you, didn't I?
327
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,490
Go write to the other one. What's her name?
328
00:12:04,590 --> 00:12:05,958
Dorothy.
329
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:07,960
Yeah, you write Dorothy one of them Dear John letter.
330
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,296
Only you write it dear Dorothy.
331
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,698
You know something, you are no help at all.
332
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,133
I don't get it, Rob.
333
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,836
Why can't you write Dorothy a nice kiss off letter?
334
00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:18,070
I can't, Sam.
335
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:19,705
I've known her all my life.
336
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:20,606
She's a friend.
337
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,475
A friend?
338
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,744
You were going to marry a friend?
339
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,114
I never once said I was going to marry her.
340
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:29,482
To who did you never say it to?
341
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,583
To me or to her?
342
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:31,550
Never said it to anybody.
343
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:32,818
I don't know.
344
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,688
I never really ever proposed to Dorothy,
345
00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:37,723
it was all just taken for granted, somehow.
346
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:39,291
Who took it for granted?
347
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:40,226
Why, her mother.
348
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,660
Why, everybody.
349
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,462
My friends, everybody.
350
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,437
Look, Rob, Rob.
351
00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:54,640
Look, I never asked this of another fellow
352
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:58,310
before, but did you love her?
353
00:12:58,410 --> 00:13:01,213
Well, yeah, I thought I did, until I met Laura.
354
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:03,616
That's why I got to go talk to her face to face.
355
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,285
How can you break news like that in a letter, anyway?
356
00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:07,286
Well, like this.
357
00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:10,156
You write, Dear Dorothy, how are you?
358
00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:11,190
I am fine.
359
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,791
Regards to your mother and father,
360
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:14,326
sincerely Sergeant Petri.
361
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:17,196
P.S. I'm sorry you couldn't make it here for my wedding.
362
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:23,002
Sam and I walked out to the rec-hall.
363
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:26,272
I must have asked him 100 times, what should I do, Sam?
364
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,573
What should I do?
365
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:30,042
If I were you, I'd shut the door, Sam, I think I hear.
366
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:34,146
Oh so, Alan, Alan has a dancer come out and sing a song.
367
00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:35,748
- Hey, gang. - That's good.
368
00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:38,150
Alan wants a run down of the whole show right after lunch.
369
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:39,552
No problem.
370
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,120
Well, did you fellows--
371
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:44,690
ladies-- come up with anything exciting while I was gone.
372
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,759
Oh, yes, we think it's very exciting.
373
00:13:46,859 --> 00:13:48,027
Good, let's hear it.
374
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:49,461
Well, we haven't quite finished it yet.
375
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,063
Yeah, yeah, why don't you wait till we finish it,
376
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,631
and then we'll show you the whole thing.
377
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:54,934
Well, how long will it take.
378
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:56,468
How long, Buddy?
379
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:57,369
Not too long.
380
00:13:57,469 --> 00:13:59,872
Not too long.
381
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,373
Tell you what I'll do.
382
00:14:01,473 --> 00:14:03,175
Laura is in town shopping for some fabric she wants me
383
00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:04,910
to see, so I'll go out and meet her and be
384
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,345
back in about an hour, OK? - Good idea.
385
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:07,947
When you come back, we'll be all finished.
386
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,815
I hope this thing is as exciting as you say it is.
387
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:11,016
Oh, it is, it is.
388
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,384
We can't wait to get back to it.
389
00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:13,419
Oh.
390
00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:16,722
Oh yeah, that's where Allan comes out
391
00:14:16,822 --> 00:14:18,123
in a deep sea diving outfit.
392
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:19,825
That's the kind of spirit I like to hear out here.
393
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,227
So long, Rob.
394
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,329
Alan comes out in a deep sea diving outfit,
395
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:27,032
and a mermaid swims by, and he's very polite,
396
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:30,002
so he tips his hat and darn near drowns.
397
00:14:40,512 --> 00:14:43,249
My trip to Danville was spent phrasing a speech so
398
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,351
honest and forthright that Dorothy would not only
399
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:47,887
have to forgive me for breaking off our engagement,
400
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:49,688
but might well be provoked into blessing
401
00:14:49,788 --> 00:14:51,857
my forthcoming marriage to Laura.
402
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:52,958
How do you like that?
403
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,526
He's going to do it.
404
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:57,162
He's going to use his three day pass to tell Dorothy off.
405
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,631
Oh, he got a lot of class.
406
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,768
As I was entering Dorothy's house--
407
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,471
Buddy, will you read to yourself?
408
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,439
ROB VOICEOVER: As I was standing in Dorothy's living room,
409
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:10,376
I felt like a soldier who was AWOL.
410
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,011
Absent without love.
411
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:18,117
And as Hamlet once said, hark, here comes Dorothy,
412
00:15:18,217 --> 00:15:20,686
and I wish I was dead.
413
00:15:20,786 --> 00:15:24,323
I'd forgotten how beautiful and graceful Dorothy was.
414
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,658
She was lovely.
415
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:30,229
Blonde, about two inches taller than Laura, and about 45%
416
00:15:30,329 --> 00:15:31,830
sexier.
417
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,432
My Robby Bobby Boo!
418
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:38,871
Hello, Dorothy.
419
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,472
Oh, you're so formal.
420
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,741
You forgotten what you used to call me?
421
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:43,909
No, no, I haven't forgotten.
422
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,311
Well, go ahead and say it, then.
423
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:46,011
Well--
424
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:48,047
Go on, go ahead.
425
00:15:48,147 --> 00:15:51,216
Hi, Dory-do
426
00:15:51,317 --> 00:15:52,951
That's so much better.
427
00:15:53,052 --> 00:15:54,853
Oh, let me look at you, Sergeant.
428
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,823
Come here, stand next to your picture.
429
00:15:57,923 --> 00:15:59,391
Why, you haven't changed a bit.
430
00:15:59,491 --> 00:16:04,029
You're still the best looking man who ever wore a uniform.
431
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,065
Well, the army's been good to me.
432
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:08,667
Darling, I can't tell you how good it is to see you.
433
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:10,736
I missed you so.
434
00:16:10,836 --> 00:16:11,737
Are we sitting down?
435
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:16,208
Did you think about me every day?
436
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,544
Every single whole entire minute?
437
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,545
Well.
438
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,114
Oh, look at this pretty GI haircut.
439
00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:25,217
Well, they cut off all those little pieces of hair.
440
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,086
Did you save them for me?
441
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:29,254
I didn't think of it.
442
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:31,256
I bet you thought I was a silly dilly
443
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:33,192
for sealing every letter with a kiss
444
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:34,960
and putting perfume on them.
445
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:36,061
No, no.
446
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,763
You didn't think they were silly?
447
00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:39,698
No, no, they smell great.
448
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:43,669
Oh, I'm so glad you said that.
449
00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:44,703
Dorothy.
450
00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:47,873
Yes Robby Bobby Boo?
451
00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:51,610
I think my arm's going to sleep.
452
00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:53,979
Oh, I'm sorry.
453
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:56,382
Oh.
454
00:16:56,482 --> 00:16:58,817
Here, let me kiss it and make it better.
455
00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:00,486
That's all right, Dorothy.
456
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:03,155
Dorothy, what I came here to talk to you about,
457
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,391
it's a very difficult thing.
458
00:17:05,491 --> 00:17:07,226
Oh I know, darling, it's something a man
459
00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:09,395
does only once in his whole entire lifetime.
460
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,363
And well, I know how shy you can be.
461
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:13,966
Oh, are you embarrassed, Robby Bobby?
462
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:15,300
Oh, boy, Dory-Do.
463
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:20,873
There.
464
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,408
Does that make it any easier for you?
465
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:24,743
No, as a matter of fact, it doesn't, Dorothy.
466
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:27,513
Dorothy, would you sit down right over there
467
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,982
and let me please go about this in my own way?
468
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:31,316
Oh, I'm sorry darling.
469
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:32,785
You probably worked out a nice little speech,
470
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,119
and I'm not letting you say it.
471
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:35,721
Well, Dorothy.
472
00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:37,289
Uh-huh?
473
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:40,659
Dorothy, you and I have known each other for a long time.
474
00:17:40,759 --> 00:17:41,660
Since fourth grade.
475
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:42,561
Please, Dorothy.
476
00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:43,495
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
477
00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:45,564
Please go on.
478
00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:47,666
Well, as I said, Dorothy, you--
479
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:49,835
you and I have known each other for a long time.
480
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:52,471
Oh, I'm so excited, Robby Bobby.
481
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,073
Dorothy, please, will you just sit down and let
482
00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:56,742
me say what I have to say?
483
00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:57,876
Oh, I'm sorry.
484
00:17:57,976 --> 00:18:00,079
I'm making it so difficult for you.
485
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:02,381
Boy, you don't know.
486
00:18:02,481 --> 00:18:04,349
I want you to know that no matter what you say
487
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:07,753
or how you say it or phrase it, my answer to your question is--
488
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:10,189
Dorothy, please, will you not say one more word?
489
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:12,758
I don't think you know at all what's on my mind.
490
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,426
I don't?
491
00:18:14,526 --> 00:18:17,429
Oh, didn't you come here to talk about marriage?
492
00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:19,098
Yes, no.
493
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:20,666
Which is it?
494
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:24,670
Well, I came to talk about marriage, but not our marriage.
495
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,904
Whose marriage, then?
496
00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:26,905
Mine.
497
00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:27,840
Yours.
498
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:28,740
Yeah.
499
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,476
Yours and who's?
500
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:31,176
Laura.
501
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:34,580
Who the devil is Laura?
502
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,448
Dorothy, she's a girl that I met down at camp,
503
00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,184
and I proposed to her last week, and that's why I came up here.
504
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:40,953
You came up here to tell me you're
505
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:42,821
going to marry someone else?
506
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,057
Well, Dorothy-- would you rather
507
00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:46,758
I wrote it to you in a letter?
508
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,760
Would you?
509
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,429
No!
510
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:54,900
No, I'm glad you did it this way, Robert.
511
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,201
If you had written it in a letter,
512
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:57,669
I would have felt cheated.
513
00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,004
Cheated?
514
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:01,473
Cheated out of the opportunity to tell you a few things.
515
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:04,710
Oh, what do you want to tell me?
516
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:05,611
This!
517
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:06,345
And this!
518
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:07,613
I knew you'd be upset.
519
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:08,447
Upset!
520
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:11,517
What makes you think I'm upset!
521
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:13,285
Oh!
522
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:17,022
I'm sorry it had to end like this.
523
00:19:17,122 --> 00:19:17,923
Oh!
524
00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:20,058
Oh, Dorothy!
525
00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:21,293
Yes!
526
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:22,494
Dorothy, I gave--
527
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:23,862
I gave-- I gave up a three day pass--
528
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:25,364
A three day pass?
529
00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:27,332
I gave up half my life!
530
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,302
Ow!
531
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:35,507
And to think I gave up a weekend with Roger Mosby
532
00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:38,210
to be kind to a service man!
533
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:39,845
Hold it!
534
00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:42,681
Who's Roger Mosby?
535
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:43,715
This!
536
00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:49,021
He's someone who can make me happy.
537
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,689
Dory-do, wait a minute.
538
00:19:50,789 --> 00:19:51,390
Wait a minute.
539
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:53,158
Let me go, let me go!
540
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:55,794
Are you serious about this Roger Mosby?
541
00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:58,063
He asked me to marry him!
542
00:19:58,163 --> 00:19:59,264
Then why are you angry with me?
543
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:00,899
Why am I so angry with you?
544
00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:03,769
Because no one turns me down!
545
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,037
Do you hear me?
546
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:06,271
No one!
547
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,640
Dorothy, I hate to see you like this.
548
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:17,082
I'm sorry, but your door's been broken.
549
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,250
Dorothy, wait.
550
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:20,152
What can I do to make this up to you?
551
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:22,120
Just hand me my shoe and get out!
552
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:23,789
OK, OK Dorothy.
553
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:24,790
I will.
554
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:33,098
Here's your shoe.
555
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:34,766
Thank you.
556
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:35,834
Goodbye, Robert.
557
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:37,336
You know your way out.
558
00:20:48,714 --> 00:20:49,681
Oh, boy.
559
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,920
She'll make somebody a fine wife.
560
00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:03,395
Hey where's the next page?
561
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:04,429
I think that's it.
562
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:05,731
What do you mean, that's it?
563
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:07,032
Rob's in Danville with a lump on his head.
564
00:21:07,132 --> 00:21:08,400
What happened to Laura?
565
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:09,801
You know what happened.
566
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:11,837
They got married and they had a kid named Richie.
567
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,639
Hey, listen, probably be back any minute.
568
00:21:13,739 --> 00:21:15,440
Let's get these memoirs back where they belong.
569
00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:16,775
I want to know if they went on their honeymoon.
570
00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,176
Well, you just have to wait till he
571
00:21:18,276 --> 00:21:19,311
writes the next installment.
572
00:21:19,411 --> 00:21:22,147
Maybe we should ask him.
573
00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:24,016
Maybe we should as him.
574
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:30,789
Come on, let's get some of that exciting sketch down on paper
575
00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:31,857
that we promised him.
576
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:33,358
All right, where were we.
577
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:35,160
Something about Allen with the diving helmet.
578
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:36,094
And the mermaid.
579
00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:37,095
Hi, gang.
580
00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:38,530
Excuse me.
581
00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:39,965
Oh, hey, Rob, did Laura find any fabrics she liked?
582
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:40,899
Oh, yeah.
583
00:21:40,999 --> 00:21:42,301
Fine, fine fabric.
584
00:21:42,401 --> 00:21:43,669
I found some fine.
585
00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:44,770
Oh.
586
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:47,406
How did you guys come out with the sketch?
587
00:21:47,506 --> 00:21:49,007
We had an idea for a honeymoon sketch.
588
00:21:49,107 --> 00:21:52,444
Yeah, where did you and Laura go on your honeymoon?
589
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:53,712
Why do you ask?
590
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,447
All right, Rob you might as well know.
591
00:21:55,547 --> 00:21:57,683
Because we read it, we're sorry, we apologize, we loved it.
592
00:21:57,783 --> 00:21:59,351
Yeah, and did you and Laura have a honeymoon?
593
00:21:59,451 --> 00:22:00,819
- Yeah. - Wait a minute.
594
00:22:00,919 --> 00:22:03,221
Did you read that manuscript I had hidden in the desk?
595
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,356
Well, I didn't want to--
596
00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:05,390
It wasn't my idea.
597
00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:07,325
But fact remains you read it.
598
00:22:07,426 --> 00:22:08,760
Yeah, we did.
599
00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:09,761
Good.
600
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:10,896
Good?
601
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:11,730
Yeah.
602
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:13,465
I was hoping you would read it.
603
00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:15,367
Boy, you guys are the slowest readers world.
604
00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:17,402
I've been walking in that hall for a half an hour.
605
00:22:21,606 --> 00:22:23,108
You mean, you wanted us to read it.
606
00:22:23,208 --> 00:22:24,509
I was dying for you to.
607
00:22:24,609 --> 00:22:26,144
Well, then, why don't you give it to us instead
608
00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:27,546
of making sneaks out of us?
609
00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:29,247
Because if I gave it to you, then you would be
610
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,449
forced to make a comment on it.
611
00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:32,050
This way if you didn't like it, you
612
00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:33,151
can keep your big mouth shut.
613
00:22:33,251 --> 00:22:34,319
You did like it? - It's great.
614
00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:35,320
Wonderful.
615
00:22:35,420 --> 00:22:36,888
Did it hold your interest?
616
00:22:36,988 --> 00:22:38,990
You tell us first, how did you explain Dorothy to Laura?
617
00:22:39,091 --> 00:22:40,125
It held your interest.
618
00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:41,026
Yeah, what about the honeymoon?
619
00:22:41,126 --> 00:22:42,027
Did you get to have one?
620
00:22:42,127 --> 00:22:43,295
I don't know yet.
621
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:45,464
What do you mean, you don't know yet?
622
00:22:45,564 --> 00:22:48,400
Well, I think it would be better if they don't get
623
00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:49,601
another three day pass, and they had
624
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:51,236
to spend their honeymoon apart.
625
00:22:51,336 --> 00:22:54,439
Or do you think it'd be better if they get the honeymoon,
626
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:56,441
but they spent it in some kind of a funny place.
627
00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:57,676
Like the company barracks.
628
00:23:02,347 --> 00:23:03,281
Wait a minute, please.
629
00:23:03,381 --> 00:23:04,549
What do you mean they?
630
00:23:04,649 --> 00:23:06,218
Isn't this book about your experiences?
631
00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:07,919
Well, based on my experiences.
632
00:23:08,019 --> 00:23:10,021
Some of these incidents are true.
633
00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:11,923
Well, how about Dory-do?
634
00:23:12,023 --> 00:23:13,959
Well, I had to change the names of some of the characters
635
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:18,630
to protect myself from certain people I'm married to.
636
00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:20,399
You mean there's no big blonde Dorothy?
637
00:23:20,499 --> 00:23:22,033
Oh, yeah, but her name is really Daphne,
638
00:23:22,134 --> 00:23:26,671
is she's short and dumpy and speaks with a lisp.
639
00:23:26,772 --> 00:23:28,974
But you did get to Danville to break the engagement?
640
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:29,908
No, I did not.
641
00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:31,309
Don't tell us you sent a letter.
642
00:23:31,409 --> 00:23:32,677
No, she sent a letter to me telling me
643
00:23:32,778 --> 00:23:33,979
she was marrying a friend of mine.
644
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,080
She dumped you?
645
00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:36,114
Yeah.
646
00:23:36,214 --> 00:23:37,015
Seems impossible, doesn't it?
647
00:23:37,115 --> 00:23:38,216
I mean I'm so tall.
648
00:23:40,986 --> 00:23:43,188
So if she left you, did you write it this way?
649
00:23:43,288 --> 00:23:44,723
Listen, this is my book.
650
00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:46,591
When Daphne writes her book, she can tell her own story.
651
00:23:58,270 --> 00:23:59,504
Well, honey, what did you think?
652
00:23:59,604 --> 00:24:00,839
Should I continue with it.
653
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:02,340
- I don't know. - What you mean you don't know.
654
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,308
Didn't you like it?
655
00:24:03,408 --> 00:24:04,509
Rob, it's good.
656
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:06,311
It's very good.
657
00:24:06,411 --> 00:24:08,947
But it needs a little work.
658
00:24:09,047 --> 00:24:10,448
Well, I mean, what kind of work, honey?
659
00:24:10,549 --> 00:24:11,483
What?
660
00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:13,118
Is it the characters, you think?
661
00:24:13,218 --> 00:24:14,653
No, the characters ring true.
662
00:24:14,753 --> 00:24:15,954
Well, how about style.
663
00:24:16,054 --> 00:24:17,456
And I a little heavy handed on the style?
664
00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:19,491
No, no, the style's fine.
665
00:24:19,591 --> 00:24:20,692
You were bored.
666
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:22,561
No, it held my interest beautifully.
667
00:24:22,661 --> 00:24:23,562
Well, what kind of changes?
668
00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:24,563
What do you mean?
669
00:24:24,663 --> 00:24:27,999
Well, cutting and editing.
670
00:24:28,099 --> 00:24:29,100
What do you mean?
671
00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:30,502
Well, right around here.
672
00:24:30,602 --> 00:24:31,403
This part.
673
00:24:31,503 --> 00:24:32,370
What, where?
674
00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:33,939
Well, right around there.
675
00:24:34,039 --> 00:24:35,173
Well, here?
676
00:24:35,273 --> 00:24:38,443
She was lovely, blonde, two inches taller than Laura
677
00:24:38,543 --> 00:24:42,480
and about 45% sexier.
678
00:24:42,581 --> 00:24:45,984
Yeah, around there.
679
00:24:46,084 --> 00:24:49,521
Do you think if I cut that 45% sexier,
680
00:24:49,621 --> 00:24:51,056
would that improve the book?
681
00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:53,225
100%.
682
00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:54,192
That's what I thought.
683
00:24:54,292 --> 00:24:57,262
Oh, oh, would it improve.
684
00:24:57,362 --> 00:24:59,097
[MUSIC - END THEME "THE DICK
685
00:24:59,197 --> 00:25:01,066
VAN DYKE SHOW"]
46667
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