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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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And special guest star, Vic Damone.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Well, Rob, there's the script, all done.
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Boy, I can't wait till I get home.
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Pickle's fixing my favorite tonight, canned soup.
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Wait a minute, nobody leaves.
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There's a change in the show this week.
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Oh, now wait a minute now.
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Why is there a change in the show?
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Will you-- hold it a minute, will you, guys?
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All Mel said was there's a change in the show.
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Maybe the change will make you happy.
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Yeah, the only change that would make me happy would be
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the firing of all the hairless producers that
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look like pot-bellied penguins.
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Buddy, would you-- would you save the insults, please?
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What for?
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He's here now.
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What's the big problem?
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Well, it's about the guest spot in the show this week.
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Ah, we just lost Sophia Loren.
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How could anybody lose Sophia Loren?
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It was never definite.
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Well, look, it doesn't make any difference whether it's
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Sophia Loren or not.
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I think any sexy star can do the sketch.
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Yeah, that's right.
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How about Lassie?
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We've got someone.
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I wonder who he came up with now.
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I don't know.
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You know him.
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Leave it to him, boy.
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Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Ric Vallone.
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[cheering]
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Rob Petrie, our head writer.
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Hi, Ric.
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And Sally Rogers, his collaborator.
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Well, you're no Sophia Loren, but boy, am I glad.
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I'm glad you're no Rock Hudson.
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[chuckles]
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Hey, I'm Buddy Sorrell.
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I just bought your new album.
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You're the one.
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Oh, Rob, I was telling Mr. Vallone that you all
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might have a meeting tonight to discuss
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his appearance on the show.
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Sure, don't worry about it.
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We'll take care of him.
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Fine, fine.
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You're in good hands.
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Why don't you get out of here and stop looking so bald?
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Listen, I could take you all out to dinner.
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We could discuss the show and hit around some ideas.
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Yeah, but you don't have to take up all of us.
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[chuckles]
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Oh, no, that's true.
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That's right.
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Oh, that's not necessary for all of us to go.
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Ah, Buddy, didn't you say you had something to do tonight?
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No, I-- oh, yeah.
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Yeah, I got a--
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I got a little thing going with my wife.
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I think they call it marriage.
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[chuckles]
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Yeah, and I've got to, ah--
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Help your wife can some plums.
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You're low on plums?
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Oh, practically plum-less.
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If it's all right with you, Ric, Sally
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will work with you tonight.
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It's all right.
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I'd prefer it.
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Where would you like to eat, baby?
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How about my mother's place?
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Your mother's?
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Yeah, and then after dinner, if you want to have my hand
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in marriage, Dad will be handy.
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How about an expensive restaurant?
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We can ask the waiter, I'll phone your dad from there.
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Oh, good.
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Let's go to a real crowded restaurant
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and maybe they'll start a nasty rumor about us.
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[chuckles] - Hey, I can use the publicity.
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Hey, listen, fellas.
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If you don't hear from us in a week, mind your own business.
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Hey.
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Doo-doo-loo, doo-doo-doo.
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What do you mean, doo-doo-loo, doo-doo-doo?
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What?
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Yeah.
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No.
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Believe me, doo-doo-do.
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Good, good. I think I got it.
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I hope so, darling.
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It's getting awfully late.
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[clunking of typewriter]
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[laughs]
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What is it, darling?
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What is it?
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[laughter]
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Well, darling, what's so funny?
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Rob, what is it?
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What is it?
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It's rotten.
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I thought you said you had it.
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Ah, honey, you know me.
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When I get tired, I start getting punchy
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and I laugh at the straight lines.
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Oh, boy, I hope Sally comes up with something.
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That was awfully nice of you to let her have the evening
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off with Ric Vallone.
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I thought you'd appreciate that.
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You, ah, don't think Sally could attract a man like Ric,
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do you?
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Ah, from what I hear, Ric Vallone is one
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of the original untouchables.
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Not even you could catch him.
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You know something, darling?
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For a married man, you say the nicest things.
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I feel I'm no fool.
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Look at all the great treatment I get.
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[chuckles]
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[doorbell rings]
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Honey, would you get that?
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I'm busy.
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So am I.
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Well, that's right, you are.
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Ah, I'll get it if you'll walk me.
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OK.
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All right.
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Will you walk me back?
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Sure.
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Oh.
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Who do you suppose it is?
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I don't know.
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But whoever it is better be very embarrassed when they find
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out what they just disturbed.
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You wouldn't.
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Hey, Sal.
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Hi, there.
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We disturbing anything?
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Yeah, we were naked,
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Come on in.
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OK, but we can't stay very long unless you've got
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homemade lasagna in the fridge.
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Boy, talk about me being a nut.
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I'm sorry.
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Laura, this is Ric Vallone.
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Ric Vallone, this is my wife, Laura.
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How do you do?
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Hi, nice meeting you.
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Heard an awful lot about your lasagna.
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LAURA PETRIE: Oh. [chuckles]
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By the way, Laura, do you have any homemade lasagna?
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Lasagna?
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No, we have bread pudding with raisins.
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Ah, no.
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Come on, let's go.
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Hey, look, you guys, at least have a cup of coffee.
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No, I'm sorry, Rob.
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We're on the lookout for homemade lasagna
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and this is our fifth stop.
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We swore not to give up until we found some.
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Right.
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[slaps knee] Why didn't I think of it?
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What, what?
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My aunt makes the greatest lasagna of all time.
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Good.
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Where does she live?
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Rome.
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You two go back to your necking.
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We're off to Rome.
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- Oh, nice almost meeting you. - Goodbye.
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See ya.
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SALLY AND RIC: (SINGING) Awesome lasagna, homemade lasagna.
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Well, walk me back?
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Mm-hmm.
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What do you make of those two? - I don't know.
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Either they're both crazy about lasagna
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or they're both just crazy.
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Or Sally's crazy about him.
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What?
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She had the unmistakable look of a girl smitten.
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Oh, now come on.
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How can you tell a thing like that?
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Darling, you're talking to a girl who once had that look.
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Well, did you notice if the look happened to be--
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You mean, is Ric as interested in her?
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Yeah.
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No, I don't think so.
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Oh, boy.
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Buddy was right, doo-doo-loo, doo doo doo.
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[MUSIC PLAYING - VIC DAMONE, "THE MOST
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BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD"]
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(SINGING) The most beautiful girl in the world
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picks my ties out, eats my candy, drinks my brandy.
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The most beautiful girl in the world.
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The most beautiful star in the world isn't Garbo,
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isn't Dietrich, but the sweet trick who can make me
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believe it's a beautiful world.
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Social?
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Not a bit, natural kind of wit.
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She'd shine anyway, and she hasn't got platinum hair.
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The most beautiful house in the world has a mortgage.
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What do I care?
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It's goodbye, care, when my slippers are
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next to the ones that belong to one
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and only beautiful girl in the world.
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The most beautiful house in the world has a mortgage.
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What do I care?
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It's goodbye, care, with my slippers
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are next to the ones that belong to the one and only--
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oh, one and only--
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one and only beautiful girl in the world.
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I want to tell you something, boy for a singer,
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he's got some voice.
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Oh, yeah, that's good.
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I think that about wraps up the spot.
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Oh, great.
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Listen, when am I due back for rehearsal?
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I'd like to go down to my tailor's for a few minutes.
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A few minutes, what you having, a pair of shorts made?
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No, we won't need you for a while, Ric.
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How about Sally?
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Can she come along?
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Ah, yeah, I guess.
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Why, what'd you have in mind?
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I'd like you to help me pick out some suit material.
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Well, only if you do something with me.
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Like what?
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Like eloping.
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Only if we have time.
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Good.
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Goodbye, fellas.
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MEL COOLEY: Hi.
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Goodbye.
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What was that all about?
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Ah, I think we got a little twosome going here.
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Twosome?
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Yeah, but something tells me it's
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gonna wind up being a onesome.
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Don't you think Ric's really interested in Sally?
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Do you?
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ROB PETRIE: The think is, Buddy, I
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think maybe Ric possibly sees some things in Sally
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that we take for granted.
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Oh, like her bank book?
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No, but an attractive girl with a good figure
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and a sense of humor.
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You know what I think, Rob?
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Who cares.
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I think you're absolutely right.
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Well, I certainly hope so.
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You know, since I'm the one who kind of threw them together,
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I think I better check and find out just what's going on.
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--and that's the show, all except for the good nights.
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Where are the good nights?
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Here are the good nights.
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Oh, good night.
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Now listen, Rob.
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Speaking of good nights, do you mind if I leave a little early?
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I've got a date with my gondolier.
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With Ric?
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Yeah, we're going to a lasagna luau.
269
00:10:22,722 --> 00:10:25,524
Lasagna luau, that sounds like a lot of fun.
270
00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:27,126
And you know what, Rob?
271
00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:29,695
I just think the evening might end up in a marriage proposal.
272
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:32,365
You-- you mean he might ask?
273
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,299
Who he?
274
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:34,367
I might ask.
275
00:10:36,869 --> 00:10:40,439
[chuckles] You had me scared there for a minute.
276
00:10:40,539 --> 00:10:43,342
He almost scared myself.
277
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:47,613
Rob, you know I catch myself smiling all day long
278
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:49,749
for no reason at all.
279
00:10:49,849 --> 00:10:51,283
Gee, it's a wonderful feeling.
280
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,785
I sure hope it lasts.
281
00:10:52,885 --> 00:10:55,021
Oh, so do I, Sal.
282
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,989
Well, I don't want to miss my luau.
283
00:10:57,089 --> 00:10:58,357
Arrivederci.
284
00:10:58,457 --> 00:10:59,392
Have a good time.
285
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,305
Buddy, you were right.
286
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:14,407
Ask Ric to come in, will you?
287
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,708
I want to talk to him.
288
00:11:29,488 --> 00:11:30,322
Hi, Rob.
289
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,257
You wanna see me?
290
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,792
Yeah, yeah.
291
00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:34,093
Where's my girl?
292
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,195
Oh, she went home-- went home.
293
00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:37,263
Oh.
294
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,864
She's a-- she's a great girl, ain't she?
295
00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:40,766
Yeah, she's the greatest.
296
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,268
RIC VALLONE: Well, what you want to see me about?
297
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:45,137
Ah, what a-- what did I wanna see you about?
298
00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:49,909
Well, Ric, what-- what I wanted to see you about, we-- we'd
299
00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:53,012
touched on the subject just a second ago.
300
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:53,746
We did?
301
00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:56,582
Yeah, Sally.
302
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:59,351
Ric, I've known Sal a long time.
303
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:00,386
Oh, you're lucky.
304
00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:01,687
I wish I'd known her a long time.
305
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:02,988
She is a riot.
306
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,723
Yeah, that-- she is that.
307
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:05,891
She's also something else, Ric.
308
00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:09,095
She's a very easily bruised person.
309
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:10,129
Who Sally?
310
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:10,863
Get out.
311
00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:11,764
She's a rock.
312
00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:12,932
Yeah, she's a rock.
313
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:14,366
What a comfortable girl to be with.
314
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,903
ROB PETRIE: Yeah, comfortable.
315
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:20,940
Ric, um, I'm gonna ask you something
316
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,175
and I hope you don't think I'm prying.
317
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,077
No, you can go right ahead and think I'm prying
318
00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:26,779
because that's what I'm doing.
319
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,080
What you getting at?
320
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,682
Well, Ric, when you walked in here just now,
321
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:30,716
you looked around the room.
322
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:33,819
You said, hey, where's my girl?
323
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:36,689
Did you mean it?
324
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:38,057
Mean what?
325
00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:40,192
I mean, is Sally really your girl?
326
00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:42,328
You know, she thinks of you as her guy.
327
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,065
Oh, no.
328
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:47,733
That answers my question.
329
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,401
Hey, Rob, Sally's a great girl and everything.
330
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,103
But-- and we've had a lot of fun together,
331
00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:52,304
but that's all it was, fun.
332
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:54,006
Did you ever tell her you liked her?
333
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,509
Oh, sure, and I do like her.
334
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:57,776
Look, I haven't even kissed her.
335
00:12:57,877 --> 00:12:59,111
I haven't even tried to kiss her.
336
00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:00,646
Yeah, that's even worse.
337
00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:02,314
Telling a girl you like her and then not trying to kiss
338
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:05,684
her is like admitting you're serious about her.
339
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,587
You're right.
340
00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:11,657
And you say she bruises easily?
341
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:14,026
Oh, like the old Russian royalty.
342
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:22,434
Well, ah, what do you think I ought to do?
343
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,336
Well, Ric, I've been thinking about it a lot.
344
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:25,504
Yeah.
345
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:26,505
I don't know.
346
00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:33,412
I got it.
347
00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:37,049
I'll tell her I love her like a sister.
348
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,450
You'd better wish.
349
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,752
That's about the worst thing you can tell a girl.
350
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,287
I know, I know.
351
00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:43,923
If only you were married, then you could be a scoundrel
352
00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:47,560
and leave her and go back to your wife.
353
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,795
It's not a bad idea.
354
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,163
What, get married?
355
00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:52,364
No, no.
356
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:55,734
Let her leave you because you're such a scoundrel.
357
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,002
But I'm not, she knows I'm not.
358
00:13:57,102 --> 00:14:00,172
Yeah, you're not a scoundrel.
359
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:02,174
No, you're fine when you're sober,
360
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:05,878
but she doesn't know how mean and how abusive
361
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:06,879
you are when you're drunk.
362
00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:08,681
[chuckles] Me, drunk?
363
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:09,715
You kidding?
364
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:11,183
Two drinks and I fall asleep.
365
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:12,751
Well, you're an actor, aren't you, Ric?
366
00:14:12,851 --> 00:14:13,986
I mean, you could act like a drunk.
367
00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:15,354
Sally can't stand drunks.
368
00:14:15,454 --> 00:14:16,455
No, I don't know.
369
00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:18,023
I just don't know.
370
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:19,592
Look, would you rather tell her that she's
371
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:22,361
like a sister to you?
372
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:23,495
I'd rather get drunk.
373
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,970
Really, Laura, it was a very nice dinner.
374
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:32,872
Thank you, Sally.
375
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:35,808
Don't you think old Rob, um, sort of overdid
376
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:37,142
it a little bit with the wine?
377
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:39,845
I mean, two different kinds of wine?
378
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:41,380
Well, Ric brought his own.
379
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:42,915
I know, but Rob could have served
380
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,350
everybody with that wine.
381
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:46,118
It was a big bottle and Ric ended
382
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,187
up drinking it all by himself.
383
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:51,090
Rob was just trying to be a good host.
384
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:53,392
Yeah, I guess so.
385
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:55,127
I wonder what they're doing in there.
386
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,162
They said something about having some brandy.
387
00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:03,469
How do you feel?
388
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:04,703
Not too good.
389
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:06,639
You know I drank a full quarter of this grape juice.
390
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:12,111
Listen, I hope Laura isn't too angry.
391
00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:14,647
I couldn't eat a bite of a dinner.
392
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,683
She's angry, but I'll explain the whole thing to her later.
393
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,151
Was that about the color of brandy?
394
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:20,519
A little more water, just a touch.
395
00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:24,223
Little more water, OK.
396
00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:26,725
Oh, let me put some of this in, make it smell right.
397
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:28,661
Good.
398
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:29,895
OK.
399
00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:31,297
Hey, I got an idea. - What?
400
00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:32,631
Put some all in your hands.
401
00:15:32,731 --> 00:15:35,668
Smelling like a drunk will help the illusion.
402
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,568
There.
403
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:37,936
Good.
404
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,539
OK, there you are.
405
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:41,607
Aren't you gonna have any?
406
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:42,875
No, no.
407
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:46,312
It's much worse if you're a solitary drunk.
408
00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:49,548
Now let me drunken up a little here.
409
00:15:49,648 --> 00:15:51,917
So you've got to have the collar open, that's it.
410
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:53,152
That's right.
411
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:54,053
You got to get the coat back a little.
412
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:55,187
Am I that drunk?
413
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:55,888
Uh-huh.
414
00:15:55,988 --> 00:15:57,589
Oh, are you that drunk?
415
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,225
Now start being abusive.
416
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,560
Ah, Ric.
417
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,996
Listen, don't you think you've had about enough to drink.
418
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:05,831
You take care of yourself, doctor.
419
00:16:05,931 --> 00:16:09,501
A few drinks won't even get me a buzz.
420
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:12,504
Now but Ric, you're already had a whole bottle of wine.
421
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:16,375
I've been drinking since I'm 16 and I know my cacapity.
422
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,548
There's almost a quarter of a bottle
423
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:23,882
of brandy in that snifter.
424
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,285
Are you afraid I'm gonna drink up all your cheap brandy?
425
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:32,624
Here, go buy yourselves five bottles of that cheap stuff.
426
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:36,295
Mr. Vallone, I don't want to forget that I'm your hostess.
427
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:37,296
Hostess?
428
00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:41,367
Oh, some hostess, serving me chicken
429
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,369
when I'm drinking red wine.
430
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,175
Some hostess, hey, fatso?
431
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,081
Isn't he adorable?
432
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:57,516
[chuckles]
433
00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:58,450
It's all right, honey.
434
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,519
Ric's-- Ric's just kind of kidding.
435
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:01,754
Now come on, Ric.
436
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,456
I got something to ask you.
437
00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:08,994
You have such pretty blonde hair.
438
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:11,063
How come you dye the roots black?
439
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,171
He really doesn't mean it.
440
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:20,739
I'm gonna belt him.
441
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:25,344
I feel like such a rat.
442
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:27,312
Listen, there are good rats and there are bad rats.
443
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:28,547
And you're a good rat.
444
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,420
Don't you think she's disgusted enough with me?
445
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,621
No.
446
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,456
Look, not until she says to me, Rob, get me a cab.
447
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:38,557
I'm going home.
448
00:17:38,657 --> 00:17:40,426
I don't know how much more of this I can do.
449
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:42,327
Look, let's go one more round.
450
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:43,729
Pick a fight with me.
451
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:44,963
We'll wrestle around a little bit, that'll do it.
452
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:45,864
Come on, let's fight.
453
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:46,832
Wait, wait, wait.
454
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:47,866
What do we fight about?
455
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:50,335
Ah, insult Laura's cooking.
456
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:51,703
I did that, I did that.
457
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:52,604
Oh, you did that.
458
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,273
Ah, break a lamp.
459
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:55,541
Don't break a lamp.
460
00:17:59,878 --> 00:18:00,879
I got it.
461
00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:03,015
Flirt with my wife.
462
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:04,416
Flirt with your wife?
463
00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:07,386
Yes, there's nothing more revolting than a guy who
464
00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:10,722
flirts with the host's wife.
465
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:13,158
Ric, I think you've had about enough of that.
466
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:17,229
I'll be the jug of that.
467
00:18:19,965 --> 00:18:21,200
Hi, ladies.
468
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,401
Did you miss us?
469
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,369
LAURA PETRIE: I can't say that we did.
470
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:29,108
You know, you're not much of a cook, but for a housewife--
471
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:31,977
[clicks tongue]
472
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,278
Rob?
473
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:35,914
Oh, Ric, that's about enough of that, Ric.
474
00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:37,816
Ric, why don't you just sit down.
475
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:39,418
Sit down?
476
00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:41,954
When I was just about to twist with this very lovely matron.
477
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:42,921
Come on, baby. Let's twist.
478
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:43,822
Rob?
479
00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:44,756
Mr. Vallone [inaudible].
480
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:45,724
No, Ric.
481
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:46,692
Ric!
482
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:47,826
Look, Ric, that's enough.
483
00:18:47,926 --> 00:18:49,795
My wife doesn't like to dance with drunken bums.
484
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:51,530
Who you calling a drunken bum?
485
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,532
What?
486
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,934
Hey, honey.
487
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:57,136
Blondie, get out of the way.
488
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,070
I want to do the twist.
489
00:18:58,170 --> 00:18:59,671
My pleasure.
490
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:02,941
(SINGING) With the very lovely matron, the most beautiful girl
491
00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:03,842
in the world.
492
00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:04,810
Where you going?
493
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:05,878
The party's just starting.
494
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:09,882
We got her gone.
495
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,583
Do you think we did enough, we've done enough?
496
00:19:11,683 --> 00:19:14,019
No, not until she says get me a cab, I'm going home.
497
00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:15,187
Now let's do a little more.
498
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:16,522
All right, you drunken bum. Now--
499
00:19:16,622 --> 00:19:17,689
I wanna dance with your wife.
500
00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:19,158
I want to do a twist with your wife.
501
00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:20,726
[inaudible] you come into a guy's house
502
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,995
and you flirt with his wife, you know what you got coming?
503
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,764
You got this coming.
504
00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:27,799
Rob, what have you done?
505
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,034
Well, I just, ah--
506
00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:30,636
I'm sorry you kids had to see that.
507
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,237
I-- had to be done.
508
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:33,672
I just-- I just tapped him a light one.
509
00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:35,207
It was a glancing blow.
510
00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:36,375
Oh, Rob.
511
00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:38,510
Well, I'm sorry, Sal.
512
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:40,946
I-- I should have belted him during dinner.
513
00:19:41,046 --> 00:19:42,714
He had it coming, didn't he?
514
00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:46,451
I bet you didn't know he was that kind of a guy, did you?
515
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,620
No, but I'm sure finding out.
516
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,890
Sally, I'm so sorry the evening turned out this way.
517
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:54,259
Oh, don't feel badly, Laura.
518
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:55,594
Would you like Bob to drive you home?
519
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,496
No, no, that isn't necessary.
520
00:19:57,596 --> 00:20:00,065
If you'll just bring him to and put him in the car,
521
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:02,301
I'll drive him home.
522
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:05,938
You got-- you wanna drive him home?
523
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:09,007
Of course, the poor baby.
524
00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:10,042
What, poor baby?
525
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:11,743
What do you mean, poor baby?
526
00:20:11,843 --> 00:20:15,013
Why, don't you remember what he called you during dinner?
527
00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:16,014
Fatso.
528
00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:19,217
Ha, he said it again, see.
529
00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:20,452
Rob, rob, look, I know.
530
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:21,920
He doesn't need a hit in the head.
531
00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:24,856
All he needs is a little understanding and compassion.
532
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,558
Under-- compassion?
533
00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,560
Don't you remember what he said about your black roots?
534
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,128
LAURA PETRIE: Rob. - I know, I know.
535
00:20:30,228 --> 00:20:31,697
Well, he did.
536
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,298
Rob, would you just help me get him into the car, please?
537
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,600
Oh, wait a minute, Sally.
538
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,335
You can't be serious about driving him home.
539
00:20:36,435 --> 00:20:37,970
Didn't you see him trying to flirt with Laura?
540
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,271
I know, I know.
541
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:40,539
Rob, please help me get him into the car.
542
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,307
But what are you gonna do with him, Sal?
543
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:44,543
I'm gonna pour about 10 gallons of black coffee
544
00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:45,644
into him.
545
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,279
ROB PETRIE: What-- what do you mean coffee?
546
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:48,213
He can't drink coffee.
547
00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:49,247
He's a boozer.
548
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,549
He throws it down all the time.
549
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:52,217
You saw him, he-- he insulted her cooking.
550
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:53,485
Honey, you saw him.
551
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:54,953
He was gonna punch me right in the nose.
552
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,922
Rob, you gonna help me or not?
553
00:20:57,022 --> 00:20:59,625
Well, oh, I'll help you, Sal.
554
00:20:59,725 --> 00:21:01,126
(WHISPERS) You should have kissed her.
555
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:02,561
What'd you say?
556
00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:04,863
I said he's a weak sister, you drunken bum, you.
557
00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:06,898
Boy, if anybody ever insulted my black roots the way
558
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:09,368
he did yours, I'd give him the gate fast enough.
559
00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:11,370
Oh, what a drunken bum.
560
00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:15,140
What a drunken bum he is.
561
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,808
I don't understand it.
562
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:19,277
I don't understand-- how in the world could she feel sorry
563
00:21:19,378 --> 00:21:22,347
for such a mean, miserable bum.
564
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,850
If only he hadn't got drunk.
565
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,251
What-- what do you mean?
566
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,487
Well, it's obvious that he was drinking tonight because he was
567
00:21:28,587 --> 00:21:29,788
uncomfortable about something.
568
00:21:29,888 --> 00:21:30,822
What?
569
00:21:30,922 --> 00:21:32,491
Yes, he wanted to bolster his courage
570
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:34,326
so he could let Sally down easily.
571
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:35,894
Now he stuck with her.
572
00:21:35,994 --> 00:21:37,496
What do you mean-- what do you mean he's stuck with her?
573
00:21:37,596 --> 00:21:40,766
The maternal instinct, Sally thinks he needs her.
574
00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:42,200
Yeah.
575
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:46,471
Boy, what a stupid plan he had.
576
00:21:46,571 --> 00:21:47,706
That was a plan?
577
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:48,473
Well, yeah.
578
00:21:48,573 --> 00:21:49,474
I mean, it must have been.
579
00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:51,076
It must've been a plan.
580
00:21:53,779 --> 00:21:55,814
I mean, the way he was-- the way he
581
00:21:55,914 --> 00:21:58,350
was drinking there, man, he was really sucking them down there.
582
00:21:58,450 --> 00:21:59,284
Wasn't he?
583
00:21:59,384 --> 00:22:00,852
He certainly was.
584
00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:05,891
Wow, a quart of grape juice and four snifters of warm tea.
585
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:08,293
How, ah-- how did-- how did you-- how did you know?
586
00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:10,228
Darling, if I've told you once,
587
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,264
I've told you a thousand times.
588
00:22:12,364 --> 00:22:13,532
I'm a woman.
589
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,706
I better write that down.
590
00:22:30,816 --> 00:22:33,251
It's here someplace, I know.
591
00:22:33,351 --> 00:22:35,420
Oh, there it is.
592
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,589
Allen says, you mean on our stage
593
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:41,893
there's something that has 400 legs and goes, bah bah.
594
00:22:41,993 --> 00:22:43,995
What is it?
595
00:22:44,096 --> 00:22:47,432
It's our glee club of 200 singing the whiffenpoof song.
596
00:22:50,736 --> 00:22:52,237
Why don't you ever number the pages?
597
00:22:52,337 --> 00:22:53,472
I'm sorry, Rob.
598
00:22:53,572 --> 00:22:54,406
I didn't have time to number the pages.
599
00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:56,475
I got a date tonight.
600
00:22:56,575 --> 00:22:57,843
Hey, listen, fellas.
601
00:22:57,943 --> 00:22:59,177
You don't mind if I leave early tonight, huh?
602
00:22:59,277 --> 00:23:00,278
No, go ahead, Sal.
603
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,279
Who's the lucky guy tonight?
604
00:23:01,379 --> 00:23:02,180
Who else?
605
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:03,248
My drunken crooner.
606
00:23:03,348 --> 00:23:04,783
Goodnight.
607
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:09,187
(SINGING) Lasa-- lasagna homemade.
608
00:23:09,287 --> 00:23:10,188
Oh, boy.
609
00:23:10,288 --> 00:23:11,556
You're a dandy fixer upper.
610
00:23:11,656 --> 00:23:13,291
Now she's more nuts about him than ever.
611
00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:14,960
She even hooked him for another date.
612
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,262
Oh, boy.
613
00:23:17,362 --> 00:23:18,497
Ric is never gonna forgive me.
614
00:23:18,597 --> 00:23:20,399
I should have never butted into that.
615
00:23:20,499 --> 00:23:22,934
Only one thing you can do now, buy a few thousand
616
00:23:23,034 --> 00:23:25,337
of his albums.
617
00:23:25,437 --> 00:23:26,271
Hi.
618
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:27,606
Oh, hi.
619
00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:28,540
Don't step on a jokes.
620
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,441
Watch that punch liner.
621
00:23:29,541 --> 00:23:31,209
Did Sally leave?
622
00:23:31,309 --> 00:23:32,577
Yeah, Sally left.
623
00:23:32,677 --> 00:23:34,012
She's all gone and you're safe.
624
00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:34,913
Safe?
625
00:23:35,013 --> 00:23:35,714
What you mean safe?
626
00:23:35,814 --> 00:23:37,516
I wanted to drive her home.
627
00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:39,217
Ric, I don't like to pry.
628
00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:40,752
Oh, yes you do.
629
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:48,326
You wanna know how come I made a date with her tonight, right?
630
00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:50,028
Just for my own education, why did you?
631
00:23:50,128 --> 00:23:51,196
Yeah.
632
00:23:51,296 --> 00:23:51,830
You know what she did last night?
633
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,198
What?
634
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:57,269
After she took me home, she sang me a medley of lullabies.
635
00:23:57,369 --> 00:23:58,537
I've never met anyone like her.
636
00:23:58,637 --> 00:23:59,571
You know something?
637
00:23:59,671 --> 00:24:01,206
Last night, you were terrible.
638
00:24:01,306 --> 00:24:02,674
You insulted that poor girl.
639
00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:04,509
You flirted with my wife and you were
640
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,179
a thoroughly obnoxious drunk.
641
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,314
And she forgave me.
642
00:24:09,414 --> 00:24:10,882
She said she understood me.
643
00:24:10,982 --> 00:24:12,584
A girl with that much understanding,
644
00:24:12,684 --> 00:24:15,520
I just got to get to know better.
645
00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:19,090
Ric, you-- you're not angry with me?
646
00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,193
Angry, are you kidding?
647
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:24,963
She even owns her own mink coat.
648
00:24:25,063 --> 00:24:26,064
(SINGING) Oh, lasagna.
649
00:24:32,237 --> 00:24:35,307
You know something, I don't understand this at all.
650
00:24:35,407 --> 00:24:38,543
Last night, he treated her like the wrath of the whole world.
651
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:40,846
And today, she apologized to him.
652
00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:45,450
Rob, you know what I think?
653
00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:46,885
What?
654
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:48,253
I think we ought to go home and beat up our wives.
655
00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:56,027
[theme song]
45012
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