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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:10,310 [theme song] 2 00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:13,213 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show," 3 00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:22,756 starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry 4 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,725 Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore. 5 00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:39,172 We've been pacing like this for three hours now. 6 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:40,907 If we don't come up with a sketch idea in about 7 00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:42,409 five minutes, let's go home. 8 00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:43,610 Good idea. 9 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:44,511 Wait, I got it. 10 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:45,512 What? 11 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,147 Well, Alan thinks he's going crazy. 12 00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:49,149 He's sitting home and he keeps hearing a train. 13 00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:50,650 He looks all over, he can't see it. 14 00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:53,286 All of a sudden, his wife opens the door 15 00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:58,458 and in comes the train right into the living room. 16 00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:01,428 The bedroom? 17 00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,299 The bathroom? 18 00:01:11,337 --> 00:01:16,476 Hey, the whole city of New York breaks out in a rash. 19 00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:17,310 Good, good. 20 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,578 And everybody starts to itch. 21 00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:19,913 Good. 22 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,282 And Alan plays the doctor who comes up with a solution. 23 00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:24,484 He gets an airplane and-- 24 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:27,487 and he sprays the whole city with calamine lotion. 25 00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,698 Hold it, hold it. 26 00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:39,666 Listen to this. 27 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,700 Listen to this. 28 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,836 (SINGING) You took the part. 29 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,271 I got one, so wasn't my heart. 30 00:01:45,371 --> 00:01:49,309 So why not-- why not take all of me? 31 00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,984 I just felt like singing. 32 00:01:58,084 --> 00:01:59,219 All right, all right. 33 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:00,620 Lunchtime, lunchtime. 34 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,588 What kind of lunchtime? 35 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:02,689 It's 4:30. 36 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,657 Dinnertime, dinnertime. 37 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:05,792 You're a little late. 38 00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:07,627 I only got two hands. 39 00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:09,963 Here's your pastrami, just the way you like it. 40 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,866 Not too fat, not to lean, mustard on the bottom, mustard 41 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,033 on the top. - Willy. 42 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:14,868 - Piece of lettuce-- - Willy. 43 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:15,902 --just a small-- 44 00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:17,504 Hold the commercial, will you? 45 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:19,506 Look, you guys, we gotta come up with something that's surefire. 46 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:20,673 Like what? 47 00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,775 Well, suppose that it's Alan's poker night-- 48 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,110 Yeah. 49 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,979 --and his wife is also having a dinner party. 50 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,313 Good. 51 00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:28,748 And the problem is to call her and convince 52 00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:29,649 her he has to work late. 53 00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,017 That's right. 54 00:02:31,117 --> 00:02:32,619 Yeah, but she wouldn't believe him because he's a bad liar. 55 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:33,653 That's right. 56 00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:35,188 Somebody else has to call her, but who? 57 00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:36,689 Why don't he ask his boss and have him call? 58 00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:38,324 Got to be a complete stranger, somebody 59 00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:39,826 his wife doesn't even know. 60 00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:43,029 No, he could call himself and say his car broke down. 61 00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:46,332 No, I don't like that. 62 00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:48,768 Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't see why 63 00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:50,103 his boss can't call for him. 64 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:51,371 Hey, we gotta get a new delicatessen. 65 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:52,772 What's the matter? 66 00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:55,275 You haven't come up with a fresh idea in months. 67 00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:56,409 I only got two hands. 68 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,610 Yeah, and you only got two feet. 69 00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:59,178 Why don't you use them? Get out of here. 70 00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:00,146 Now listen to me. 71 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:01,047 Oh, leave him alone. 72 00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,216 [chuckles] I like her. 73 00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:05,151 Hey, I think I got the way we can do it. 74 00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:06,352 What? 75 00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:07,320 Alan, himself, calls his wife, but he 76 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:09,155 just disguises his voice. 77 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:10,490 Oh, come on, Rob. 78 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:11,824 You couldn't tell me a wife wouldn't recognize 79 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,026 her own husband's voice. 80 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,028 Well, if he disguises it well enough, 81 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:16,863 maybe he uses an accent or something. 82 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:18,164 Oh, Rob, you're wrong. 83 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,098 He's right. 84 00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:21,601 Hey, where'd he go? 85 00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:22,435 He's right. 86 00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:24,304 A guy can disguise his voice. 87 00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,072 Did you ever hear Lon Chaney, "The Man 88 00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:27,307 with the 1,000 Voices"? 89 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,675 It was "A Man with a Thousand Faces". 90 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:32,512 Eh, faces, voices, what's the difference? 91 00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:35,214 You guys are two particular, that's why your show stinks. 92 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,416 Get outta here! 93 00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:43,957 I still say a guy could disguise 94 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,225 his voice well enough that his wife wouldn't recognize him. 95 00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:47,994 And I say you're wrong and I'll prove it to you. 96 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:48,928 Come with me. 97 00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:50,430 I'll call my wife. 98 00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:52,865 Guarantee she'll recognize it's my voice in one second. 99 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,134 All right, but you gotta try and make it real now. 100 00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:56,369 I'll make it real, don't worry. 101 00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:57,704 I wanna get out of here too. 102 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:04,477 (GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, guten tag, meine fraulein. 103 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,713 (COMIC ACCENT) Is this the lady of the house? 104 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:10,683 Stop screaming. 105 00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:12,652 How did I know you were taking a bath? 106 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:17,457 You see? 107 00:04:17,557 --> 00:04:18,791 Yeah, he's right. 108 00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:20,193 It won't work. 109 00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:22,462 Well, no, not with that hokey, comic accent that he's using. 110 00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:24,931 You gotta make it a little bit subtle, make it sound real. 111 00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,466 Let me in there. 112 00:04:26,566 --> 00:04:27,433 - All right, be my guest. - Let me show you want I mean. 113 00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:28,434 You're gonna call Laura? 114 00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,003 Yeah, I'm gonna call Laura. 115 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,905 I guarantee you, as well as she knows me and knows my voice, 116 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,040 I'll fool her. 117 00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,382 Hello. 118 00:04:42,482 --> 00:04:44,784 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, uh, Dr. Rossano, please. 119 00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:45,618 Who did you want? 120 00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:46,986 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dr. Rossano. 121 00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:48,988 This is Dr. Bonnelli. 122 00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:50,657 Well, I'm afraid you have the wrong number. 123 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:52,659 There's no Dr. Rossano here. 124 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,595 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, this is not New Rochelle Hospital? 125 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,564 No, it isn't, but, uh, I could look it up for you. 126 00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:01,067 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, if it is not too much trouble. 127 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,068 Not at all, doctor. 128 00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:03,569 I'm not doing anything. 129 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:06,873 Oh, dolce far niente. 130 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,574 Dolce far niente? 131 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:11,611 (ITALIAN ACCENT) It means how sweet to do nothing. 132 00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:15,448 Dolce far niente, what a lovely phrase. 133 00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:18,584 (ITALIAN ACCENT) And you, you have a lovely voice. 134 00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:20,820 Well, thank you, Doctor. 135 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:21,888 So do you. 136 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,356 (ITALIAN ACCENT) What do you look like? 137 00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:25,425 Well, I-- 138 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:28,127 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Let me guess, may I? 139 00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:30,063 Well, you could try. 140 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,699 (ITALIAN ACCENT) I would say you "walk in beauty, 141 00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:38,171 like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. 142 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:41,574 And all that's best of dark and bright 143 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:46,045 meet in your aspect and your eyes". 144 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,680 Oh, Doctor! 145 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,157 That was beautiful. 146 00:05:58,257 --> 00:05:59,726 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, tell me. 147 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:03,096 Would you-- would you like to hear, "How Do I Love Thee"? 148 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,097 By Wayne King? 149 00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,769 ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dare I call you again? 150 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:10,903 Oh, please. 151 00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,105 I'd rather you wouldn't. 152 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,240 (ITALIAN ACCENT) I will call you tomorrow at 2:00, 153 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:15,475 carissima. 154 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:21,080 [laughs] I told you. 155 00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,048 I told you that'd work. 156 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,883 I fooled her completely. 157 00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:24,884 She fell for me. 158 00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:25,885 Me! 159 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:28,054 Rob, you really think you fooled her? 160 00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:29,155 Of course, I did. 161 00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:30,490 Nah, she knows is was you. 162 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:31,390 No, I tell you. 163 00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:32,325 I fooled her. 164 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:33,259 She was entranced. 165 00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:34,227 You know something? 166 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,294 You know what she thought? 167 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,629 She thought that she was flirting 168 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:37,897 with a complete stranger. 169 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:50,476 [chuckles] 170 00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:53,546 Ah, you guys are right. 171 00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:56,082 Of course, she knew it was me all along. 172 00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,751 I mean, a husband couldn't-- couldn't fool his own wife. 173 00:06:58,851 --> 00:07:02,121 [chuckles] 174 00:07:08,294 --> 00:07:09,495 You guys, right. 175 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:10,763 You were sure right. 176 00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,832 A man can't fool his own wife. 177 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,035 Rob, you convinced me an hour and a half ago. 178 00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:17,637 But keep talking, maybe you'll convince 179 00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:20,106 yourself on your way home. 180 00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:21,007 Goodnight, Rob. 181 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,041 Goodnight, Roberto. 182 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,832 [laughs] 183 00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:53,406 Oh, that wife of mine. 184 00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:56,108 What a kidder, boy. 185 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,211 She's so cute. 186 00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,245 I'm gonna kill her. 187 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:28,741 Laura? 188 00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:35,214 Good evening, darling. 189 00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,801 I don't know what she meant by that. 190 00:08:59,038 --> 00:08:59,705 Hey, honey. 191 00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:00,873 What's this all about? 192 00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:02,208 We having guests for dinner? 193 00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:03,242 LAURA PETRIE: No. 194 00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:05,177 Well, what's the big occasion? 195 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,213 LAURA PETRIE: Nothing, dear. 196 00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,048 I just felt romantic today. 197 00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:18,691 Romantic, a married woman and she-- hi. 198 00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:21,761 [chuckles] You sure look-- sure look beautiful. 199 00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,629 Thank you, darling. 200 00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,331 How was your day? 201 00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:26,966 Just marvelous. 202 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,569 What ah-- what ah-- what'd you do? 203 00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:31,904 Oh, the usual, shopping, laundry, 204 00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:35,508 ran the mimeograph machine of PTA. 205 00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:38,177 Well, I guess that's the life of a housewife, 206 00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:39,912 nothing exciting ever happens. [chuckles] 207 00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:40,913 Oh, yeah? 208 00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:46,352 Well, you mean, uh-- you mean something exciting did happen? 209 00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:48,521 Mm-hmm. 210 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,856 Well, come on, tell me. 211 00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:53,059 Well, I wasn't gonna tell you until after dinner, 212 00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:59,198 but darling, I bought some Armenian string cheese. 213 00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:01,500 I found it at a charming little continental restaurant. 214 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:02,401 It's delicious. 215 00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:03,669 Taste it. 216 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,038 And there's something else I did today. 217 00:10:06,138 --> 00:10:09,675 I prepared an authentic Italian dinner for you. 218 00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:10,910 Ita-- Italian? 219 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,244 Mm-hmm. 220 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:15,614 Why a-- why an Italian dinner all of a sudden? 221 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:16,749 Well, I don't know, dear. 222 00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,584 It just came to me like any idea. 223 00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,553 I mean, after all, what inspired the radio? 224 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:22,955 It just came to Marconi. 225 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:27,994 Marconi, an Italian fellow, wasn't he? 226 00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:30,763 Yes. 227 00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:31,897 [phone rings] 228 00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,666 Never mind, darling, I'll get it. 229 00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:36,936 Hello. 230 00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,707 Millie, uh, listen. 231 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,542 Rob and I are just about to have our dinner. 232 00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:44,610 Can I call you back? 233 00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:45,845 All right, bye-bye. 234 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,150 Oh, darling, I am sorry. 235 00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:52,852 Were you expecting an important phone 236 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:53,986 call or something? 237 00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:55,187 No, why? 238 00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:58,391 Why, I mean, the way you lunged at that phone. 239 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,326 I always lunge that way. 240 00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,296 RITCHIE PETRIE: Hi, Daddy. 241 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,297 Hey, Rich. 242 00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:06,332 Where you been hiding? 243 00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,233 In the bathtub. 244 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,434 [laughs] 245 00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,369 When's Saturday, Daddy? 246 00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,304 Saturday, day after tomorrow. 247 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,239 Good. 248 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:14,407 Goodnight. 249 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,675 Night. 250 00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:16,575 Goodnight, Mommy. 251 00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:18,344 Goodnight, dear. 252 00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:21,047 Oh, boy, only two more days. 253 00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:24,750 And then like you said, Mommy, dolce far niente. 254 00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:40,633 Dolce far niente? 255 00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,601 Oh, yes, that's an Italian phrase. 256 00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,604 It means, how sweet to do nothing. 257 00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:46,939 Isn't that cute? 258 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,107 Yeah. 259 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,077 Darling, would you open the wine? 260 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,846 (SINGING) Dolce far niente. 261 00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:56,715 Dolce far niente. 262 00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:57,917 Niente-- 263 00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:08,027 Dolce far niente. 264 00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:09,895 She never hums my phone calls. 265 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,368 Garlic bread. 266 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:20,539 Oh, we're, ah, really, really Italian, aren't we tonight? 267 00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,308 I hope you like it, carissima. 268 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,076 [coughs] 269 00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:26,378 What is it? 270 00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,681 Rob, are you all right? 271 00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:29,648 Darling, are you sure? 272 00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:30,549 I'm positive. 273 00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,017 I'm positive, I'm fine. 274 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:38,424 Boy, was that train crowded tonight. 275 00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:42,161 I walked-- I had to walk back seven cars just to get a seat. 276 00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,864 I could have taken it 5:44 you know, 277 00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,899 but I figured I'd rather stand up than waste 278 00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,734 the 14 extra minutes. 279 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,537 Even on the 5:44, I can-- you know, you can always get a seat 280 00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,539 on it because it's not very-- 281 00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:58,210 [clears throat] Where did you ever hear the word carissima? 282 00:12:58,310 --> 00:12:59,345 Carissima? 283 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,880 I don't know, dear, but I heard someone say it. 284 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,781 Well, yeah, I know, but where? 285 00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:03,916 Well, I don't remember, dar-- 286 00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:04,850 Rob, what is it? 287 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,152 You seem so jumpy. 288 00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:07,353 Well, I'm-- 289 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,420 I'm-- I'm very edgy. 290 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:09,688 Well, why? 291 00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:12,324 Well, I've had a tough day at the office. 292 00:13:12,424 --> 00:13:14,260 Well, that wine, I-- 293 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,094 I'm sorry, dear. 294 00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,530 Here, you sit down and relax. 295 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,764 Watch some television. 296 00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,299 Dinner will be ready in just a minute. 297 00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:33,412 She put me on. 298 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,854 She knows darn well who made that phone call. 299 00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:43,322 MAN (ON TV): All we can tell you panel, 300 00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:46,091 is that the lady is married, she's a housewife 301 00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:47,693 and she's got a secret. 302 00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:48,928 Oh, boy. 303 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,879 [clacking of piano] 304 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,650 Dolce far niente. 305 00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:12,585 Morning, Rob. 306 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,485 Hi. 307 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,587 BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, Rob. 308 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,121 Hey, listen, Rob. 309 00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,057 All we need is a few more jokes for the opening monologue 310 00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:19,325 and the whole show is written. 311 00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,859 And Buddy came up with a beaut. Tell him. 312 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,328 Yeah, yeah, see if you like this. 313 00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:25,197 Alan plays a mad bird scientist and he crosses a homing 314 00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:26,765 pigeon with a woodpecker. 315 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,867 The bird doesn't only deliver the message, 316 00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,536 it knocks on the door. 317 00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:34,440 Cute, huh? 318 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,875 What do you think? 319 00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,311 I think that she didn't even know it was me. 320 00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:41,146 She didn't say anything about a phone call. 321 00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:42,882 Are you still harping on that bit? 322 00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:44,483 Oh, come on, Rob. 323 00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,585 She's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. 324 00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:47,853 She knows it's you. 325 00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:49,355 She thought it was him. 326 00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,756 That's what she wants you to think. 327 00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,024 She knows is was you. 328 00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:53,959 You trying to tell me about her? 329 00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,761 You may know you, but you don't know her. 330 00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:58,097 She thought it was him. 331 00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:00,165 Well, I know her and I know you. 332 00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:02,368 And I'm telling you, she knows it's you. 333 00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,103 What, you think you know about us? 334 00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:05,771 But I am part of us and I don't know her. 335 00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:07,239 But I know her better than you know her, 336 00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:11,310 and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me. 337 00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,479 I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy. 338 00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,118 Rob, if you're in such doubt, why don't you pick up a phone. 339 00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,552 Call her up and ask her. 340 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,054 I can't do that. 341 00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:24,356 If I call her up, naturally she's gonna say it was me. 342 00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:26,959 She's not gonna admit that she was flirting with someone else. 343 00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:28,560 [snaps fingers] I know what to do. 344 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:29,962 ROB PETRIE: What? 345 00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:31,730 Make like that Dr. Bonnelli again on the phone. 346 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,465 Call Laura and ask her for a date. 347 00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,000 Then if she says, yes or no, you'll 348 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,068 know one way or the other. 349 00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:37,603 Are you crazy? 350 00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:40,172 Now that would be the meanest thing I could possibly do, 351 00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,175 carry on with that stupid practical joke. 352 00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,779 I don't know why I ever started it in the first place. 353 00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:50,716 I am gonna call her right now and I'm gonna apologize. 354 00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:51,950 That's what I'll do. 355 00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:53,185 I've let this thing go on long enough. 356 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,055 I've got to put an end to it. 357 00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:57,923 I feel like such a nut. 358 00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,358 I've got to tell her the truth. 359 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,660 LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Hello? 360 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,929 Hello? 361 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:05,397 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, carissima. 362 00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:09,268 It is Dr. Bonnelli. 363 00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:10,336 Oh. 364 00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:11,236 Who is it? 365 00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:12,538 Shh. 366 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:13,539 Hello, Doctor. 367 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:14,440 Doctor, who? 368 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:15,741 Millie! 369 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:17,843 (ITALIAN ACCENT) What have you been doing, carissima? 370 00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:22,948 Well, life's the same for your carissima, dull as usual. 371 00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:23,916 Whose carissima's dull? 372 00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:25,684 Millie! 373 00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:27,019 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dull? 374 00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,855 I mean, a woman of your charm so, so vibrant, 375 00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:32,257 so full of the love of life. 376 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,326 You're very perceptive, Doctor. 377 00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:37,730 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Please, um, call me, Berno. 378 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,064 Berno? 379 00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,600 Berno, what an enchanting name. 380 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:42,801 Ooh, yeah. 381 00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,036 Millie! 382 00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:48,240 What was that, Berno? 383 00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,042 (ITALIAN ACCENT) I said, uh, and what-- 384 00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:51,810 what shall I call you? 385 00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:55,314 Oh, carissima's fine. 386 00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:58,117 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima, are you married? 387 00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:01,754 Would it make a difference? 388 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:02,654 (ITALIAN ACCENT) No, I-- 389 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,689 I suppose not. 390 00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,157 Then why ask the question? 391 00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:12,131 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima. 392 00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,699 Carissima, I must see you. 393 00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:16,769 I must see you this afternoon for-- for cocktails, 394 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,104 the Casa Marie at 4:00. 395 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:23,342 I'm sorry, but I can't be there. 396 00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:25,444 I could make it at 4:30 though. 397 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:33,152 (ITALIAN ACCENT) That-- that-- that would be just fine. 398 00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:36,221 Arrivederci. 399 00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,891 Arrivederci-- who was that? 400 00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:39,858 Huh? 401 00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:41,093 Oh, that was Rob. 402 00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:47,065 What's the matter, Rob? 403 00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,768 You OK? 404 00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,437 She's-- she's putting me on. 405 00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:56,475 [chuckles] She just put me on, that's all. 406 00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,711 Wait, she-- she-- she accepted a date and that's not like her. 407 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,114 I mean, she'd never do anything like that. 408 00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:04,516 She's just-- she's just kidding me. 409 00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:07,019 I played a practical joke on her and she's paying me back. 410 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:07,953 I deserve it. 411 00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:08,887 You know something? 412 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:11,156 I deserve that. 413 00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,392 Well, let's, uh, finish up this work. 414 00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:15,661 We'll do it no time, then we'll knock off early. 415 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,595 How early, Rob? 416 00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,398 Say about 4:30? 417 00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:20,699 Come on. 418 00:18:20,799 --> 00:18:22,201 You don't really think she's gonna go down to that bar. 419 00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,769 No, I don't, but you do. 420 00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:27,372 Look, even if she didn't know that that was me on the phone, 421 00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:30,609 she'd never would meet a strange man in a strange bar. 422 00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:33,111 I would. 423 00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:36,615 Come on, you guys, that's enough. 424 00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:37,850 Let's get to work. 425 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:42,287 Um, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30. 426 00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,156 She won't, there's not a chance. 427 00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,058 Well, just suppose she does. 428 00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,359 Then she'll be stood up. 429 00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,294 Look, she will not be stood up because she 430 00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:50,529 is not gonna be there. 431 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,664 Now she is my wife and I know her. 432 00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:54,633 I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing 433 00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:55,667 on as long as I have. 434 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,169 I should have told her a long time ago 435 00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,537 and told her the truth. 436 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,306 Believe me, when I get home tonight, 437 00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:03,742 I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her. 438 00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:06,345 Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob. 439 00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:07,379 Oh, no, not Laura. 440 00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,382 She won't say a word for months. 441 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,702 Charming, charming, charming. 442 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:34,773 Honey? 443 00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,575 Honey? 444 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:37,609 Laura? 445 00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,881 Hey, Ritchie? 446 00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,517 Ritchie, where's Mamma? 447 00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:49,421 [inaudible] that's [inaudible] shopping [inaudible].. 448 00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:03,569 Dr. Bonnelli, I'll kill him! 449 00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,871 Oh, it can't be. 450 00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:08,307 Look, when a man comes home to see his wife 451 00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:10,442 with beautiful flowers, the least she could 452 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,878 is be here to greet him. 453 00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:15,681 Now Millie, is Laura over there? 454 00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,082 Were she-- 455 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:20,452 [growls] Um, well, I'm sorry. 456 00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,956 Chew some gum, your eye drum will pop back. 457 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,290 Where have you been? 458 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:26,959 Where have I been? 459 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,760 Well, I asked you first. 460 00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:29,861 Where have you been? 461 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,597 And what are you doing wearing that dress? 462 00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:34,333 I had a date, that's what I'm doing wearing that dress. 463 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:37,069 Isn't that the dress I bought you and-- 464 00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,003 and-- 465 00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:38,904 And what? 466 00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:40,439 Well, I'd-- I'd-- 467 00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:44,243 I'd-- I'd-- I don't think it's right for you to wear that 468 00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:46,011 dress when I'm not with you. 469 00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,446 And where were ya? 470 00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:49,915 I was where I was supposed to be, at Casa Maria. 471 00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:53,385 Uh-huh, waiting for Dr. Bonnelli, I presume. 472 00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:05,530 [chuckles] Boy-- boy, did I fool you! 473 00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:07,432 Rob, why did you stand me up? 474 00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:09,534 I didn't stand you up. 475 00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:12,838 Dr. Bon-- who knew you'd go there. 476 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:18,910 Honey, I am sorry. 477 00:21:22,414 --> 00:21:23,515 Will you sit down for just a minute? 478 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:26,618 I'd like to try and explain. 479 00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:29,054 Here, I brought you flowers, your favorite red ones 480 00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,088 and the others. 481 00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,861 Ha, we-- just sit down for a minute. 482 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:36,928 Will you, honey? 483 00:21:44,503 --> 00:21:46,738 Now let me try-- 484 00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:49,374 honey, it was just a silly mistake. 485 00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:51,176 It all started out in the office. 486 00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:53,145 It was an experiment for a sketch. 487 00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:56,114 We just wanted to see if a guy could disguise his voice 488 00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,483 and his wife wouldn't recognize him. 489 00:21:58,583 --> 00:22:01,186 Now honey, before I got a chance to explain to you, 490 00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:07,225 it got out of hand and it became an ugly, ugly practical joke. 491 00:22:07,325 --> 00:22:10,495 And I'm sorry and I apologize. 492 00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:14,599 Honey, I-- I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me. 493 00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:16,702 I'm not even asking you to forgive me. 494 00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:19,805 I'm not even asking you to be nice to me. 495 00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:22,808 I'm just asking you to let me live here. 496 00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:30,649 Oh, boy, honey. 497 00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:32,317 I mean, it was such a relief to find out you 498 00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:35,287 knew it was me right from the beginning. 499 00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,422 You knew it was me right away, didn't you? 500 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,959 [chuckles] 501 00:22:42,094 --> 00:22:45,497 I mean, didn't you know it was me right away? 502 00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:47,766 Honey, [clears throat] as long as I'm all dressed up 503 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:50,369 and Ritchie's over at Millie's why don't we go to that 504 00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:52,604 Italian restaurant for dinner? 505 00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,973 Uh, you're not going to tell me, huh? 506 00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:57,576 No, maybe that way it'll teach you not 507 00:22:57,676 --> 00:22:59,478 to play practical jokes on me. 508 00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:01,780 Well, honey, it was just an experiment. 509 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,616 We just called to see if a wife recognizes his voice. 510 00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:07,185 Now come on, you knew it was me right away, didn't you? 511 00:23:07,285 --> 00:23:10,422 [chuckles] 512 00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:11,890 Sure you did. 513 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,729 Well, Millie, you should have seen Rob's face. 514 00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:20,565 He looks so cute when he's insanely jealous. 515 00:23:20,665 --> 00:23:22,667 Well, I don't imagine he'll play that joke again. 516 00:23:22,768 --> 00:23:23,401 I know. 517 00:23:23,502 --> 00:23:24,936 [phone rings] 518 00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:26,371 If Jerry did that to me, boy, would I let him have it. 519 00:23:26,471 --> 00:23:30,642 [laughs] Hello. 520 00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,444 Just a minute, please. 521 00:23:32,544 --> 00:23:33,378 It's Rob. 522 00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:35,013 He's doing it again. 523 00:23:35,113 --> 00:23:36,348 This time he's Hungarian. 524 00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:39,418 Well, give it to him good. 525 00:23:39,518 --> 00:23:43,955 Hello, you have the wrong number, but who cares. 526 00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:47,526 You have a charming voice and an adorable accent. 527 00:23:47,626 --> 00:23:53,198 I bet you're a tall, handsome and a wonderful-- 528 00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:54,199 tell me something. 529 00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:56,301 Do you like my voice? 530 00:23:56,401 --> 00:23:58,570 I thought you would. 531 00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:00,906 What's your name? 532 00:24:01,006 --> 00:24:03,775 Laszlo, that is Hungarian, isn't it? 533 00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:05,177 Mm-hmm. 534 00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:09,114 Laszlo, would you like to come to my house for dinner tonight? 535 00:24:09,214 --> 00:24:11,917 Well, don't worry, I'll get rid of my husband. 536 00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:13,485 Well, the quickest way to get here 537 00:24:13,585 --> 00:24:15,821 is to hop into your little car and drive over 538 00:24:15,921 --> 00:24:17,989 to the West Side Highway at-- 539 00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:25,363 how dare you, sir. 540 00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,632 Don't you ever call this number again! 541 00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:32,003 That wasn't you? 542 00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:33,405 No, this is me. 543 00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:37,476 Well, Rob, I thought that was you just fooling around again. 544 00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:39,010 - Come here. - Why? 545 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,946 MILLIE HELPER: Rob, she really thought you were kidding. 546 00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:41,913 Yes. 547 00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:43,381 Rob, there's no reason to get angry. 548 00:24:43,481 --> 00:24:44,783 She thought that was you on the phone. 549 00:24:44,883 --> 00:24:46,051 She thought you were continuing that-- 550 00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,086 Rob, if you're gonna fight and be angry, 551 00:24:48,186 --> 00:24:50,422 you're just being childish. 552 00:24:50,522 --> 00:24:52,257 Rob, please, try to understand. 553 00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:53,658 Do you understand? 554 00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:55,794 I guess he understands. 555 00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:03,001 [theme song] 38370

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