Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:10,310
[theme song]
2
00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:13,213
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
3
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:22,756
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
4
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,725
Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
5
00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:39,172
We've been pacing like this for three hours now.
6
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:40,907
If we don't come up with a sketch idea in about
7
00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:42,409
five minutes, let's go home.
8
00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:43,610
Good idea.
9
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:44,511
Wait, I got it.
10
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:45,512
What?
11
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,147
Well, Alan thinks he's going crazy.
12
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:49,149
He's sitting home and he keeps hearing a train.
13
00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:50,650
He looks all over, he can't see it.
14
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:53,286
All of a sudden, his wife opens the door
15
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:58,458
and in comes the train right into the living room.
16
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:01,428
The bedroom?
17
00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,299
The bathroom?
18
00:01:11,337 --> 00:01:16,476
Hey, the whole city of New York breaks out in a rash.
19
00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:17,310
Good, good.
20
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,578
And everybody starts to itch.
21
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:19,913
Good.
22
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,282
And Alan plays the doctor who comes up with a solution.
23
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:24,484
He gets an airplane and--
24
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:27,487
and he sprays the whole city with calamine lotion.
25
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,698
Hold it, hold it.
26
00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:39,666
Listen to this.
27
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,700
Listen to this.
28
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,836
(SINGING) You took the part.
29
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,271
I got one, so wasn't my heart.
30
00:01:45,371 --> 00:01:49,309
So why not-- why not take all of me?
31
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,984
I just felt like singing.
32
00:01:58,084 --> 00:01:59,219
All right, all right.
33
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:00,620
Lunchtime, lunchtime.
34
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,588
What kind of lunchtime?
35
00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:02,689
It's 4:30.
36
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,657
Dinnertime, dinnertime.
37
00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:05,792
You're a little late.
38
00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:07,627
I only got two hands.
39
00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:09,963
Here's your pastrami, just the way you like it.
40
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,866
Not too fat, not to lean, mustard on the bottom, mustard
41
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,033
on the top. - Willy.
42
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:14,868
- Piece of lettuce-- - Willy.
43
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:15,902
--just a small--
44
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:17,504
Hold the commercial, will you?
45
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:19,506
Look, you guys, we gotta come up with something that's surefire.
46
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:20,673
Like what?
47
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,775
Well, suppose that it's Alan's poker night--
48
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,110
Yeah.
49
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,979
--and his wife is also having a dinner party.
50
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,313
Good.
51
00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:28,748
And the problem is to call her and convince
52
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:29,649
her he has to work late.
53
00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,017
That's right.
54
00:02:31,117 --> 00:02:32,619
Yeah, but she wouldn't believe him because he's a bad liar.
55
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:33,653
That's right.
56
00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:35,188
Somebody else has to call her, but who?
57
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:36,689
Why don't he ask his boss and have him call?
58
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:38,324
Got to be a complete stranger, somebody
59
00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:39,826
his wife doesn't even know.
60
00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:43,029
No, he could call himself and say his car broke down.
61
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:46,332
No, I don't like that.
62
00:02:46,432 --> 00:02:48,768
Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't see why
63
00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:50,103
his boss can't call for him.
64
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:51,371
Hey, we gotta get a new delicatessen.
65
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:52,772
What's the matter?
66
00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:55,275
You haven't come up with a fresh idea in months.
67
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:56,409
I only got two hands.
68
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,610
Yeah, and you only got two feet.
69
00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:59,178
Why don't you use them? Get out of here.
70
00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:00,146
Now listen to me.
71
00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:01,047
Oh, leave him alone.
72
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,216
[chuckles] I like her.
73
00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:05,151
Hey, I think I got the way we can do it.
74
00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:06,352
What?
75
00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:07,320
Alan, himself, calls his wife, but he
76
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:09,155
just disguises his voice.
77
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:10,490
Oh, come on, Rob.
78
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:11,824
You couldn't tell me a wife wouldn't recognize
79
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,026
her own husband's voice.
80
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,028
Well, if he disguises it well enough,
81
00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:16,863
maybe he uses an accent or something.
82
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:18,164
Oh, Rob, you're wrong.
83
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,098
He's right.
84
00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:21,601
Hey, where'd he go?
85
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:22,435
He's right.
86
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:24,304
A guy can disguise his voice.
87
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,072
Did you ever hear Lon Chaney, "The Man
88
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:27,307
with the 1,000 Voices"?
89
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,675
It was "A Man with a Thousand Faces".
90
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:32,512
Eh, faces, voices, what's the difference?
91
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:35,214
You guys are two particular, that's why your show stinks.
92
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,416
Get outta here!
93
00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:43,957
I still say a guy could disguise
94
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,225
his voice well enough that his wife wouldn't recognize him.
95
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:47,994
And I say you're wrong and I'll prove it to you.
96
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:48,928
Come with me.
97
00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:50,430
I'll call my wife.
98
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:52,865
Guarantee she'll recognize it's my voice in one second.
99
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,134
All right, but you gotta try and make it real now.
100
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:56,369
I'll make it real, don't worry.
101
00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:57,704
I wanna get out of here too.
102
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:04,477
(GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, guten tag, meine fraulein.
103
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,713
(COMIC ACCENT) Is this the lady of the house?
104
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:10,683
Stop screaming.
105
00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:12,652
How did I know you were taking a bath?
106
00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:17,457
You see?
107
00:04:17,557 --> 00:04:18,791
Yeah, he's right.
108
00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:20,193
It won't work.
109
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:22,462
Well, no, not with that hokey, comic accent that he's using.
110
00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:24,931
You gotta make it a little bit subtle, make it sound real.
111
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,466
Let me in there.
112
00:04:26,566 --> 00:04:27,433
- All right, be my guest. - Let me show you want I mean.
113
00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:28,434
You're gonna call Laura?
114
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,003
Yeah, I'm gonna call Laura.
115
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,905
I guarantee you, as well as she knows me and knows my voice,
116
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,040
I'll fool her.
117
00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,382
Hello.
118
00:04:42,482 --> 00:04:44,784
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, uh, Dr. Rossano, please.
119
00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:45,618
Who did you want?
120
00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:46,986
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dr. Rossano.
121
00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:48,988
This is Dr. Bonnelli.
122
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:50,657
Well, I'm afraid you have the wrong number.
123
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:52,659
There's no Dr. Rossano here.
124
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,595
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, this is not New Rochelle Hospital?
125
00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,564
No, it isn't, but, uh, I could look it up for you.
126
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:01,067
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, if it is not too much trouble.
127
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,068
Not at all, doctor.
128
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:03,569
I'm not doing anything.
129
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:06,873
Oh, dolce far niente.
130
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,574
Dolce far niente?
131
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:11,611
(ITALIAN ACCENT) It means how sweet to do nothing.
132
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:15,448
Dolce far niente, what a lovely phrase.
133
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:18,584
(ITALIAN ACCENT) And you, you have a lovely voice.
134
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:20,820
Well, thank you, Doctor.
135
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:21,888
So do you.
136
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,356
(ITALIAN ACCENT) What do you look like?
137
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:25,425
Well, I--
138
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:28,127
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Let me guess, may I?
139
00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:30,063
Well, you could try.
140
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,699
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I would say you "walk in beauty,
141
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:38,171
like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.
142
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:41,574
And all that's best of dark and bright
143
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:46,045
meet in your aspect and your eyes".
144
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,680
Oh, Doctor!
145
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,157
That was beautiful.
146
00:05:58,257 --> 00:05:59,726
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, tell me.
147
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:03,096
Would you-- would you like to hear, "How Do I Love Thee"?
148
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,097
By Wayne King?
149
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,769
ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dare I call you again?
150
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:10,903
Oh, please.
151
00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,105
I'd rather you wouldn't.
152
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,240
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I will call you tomorrow at 2:00,
153
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:15,475
carissima.
154
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:21,080
[laughs] I told you.
155
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,048
I told you that'd work.
156
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,883
I fooled her completely.
157
00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:24,884
She fell for me.
158
00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:25,885
Me!
159
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:28,054
Rob, you really think you fooled her?
160
00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:29,155
Of course, I did.
161
00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:30,490
Nah, she knows is was you.
162
00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:31,390
No, I tell you.
163
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:32,325
I fooled her.
164
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:33,259
She was entranced.
165
00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:34,227
You know something?
166
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,294
You know what she thought?
167
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,629
She thought that she was flirting
168
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:37,897
with a complete stranger.
169
00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:50,476
[chuckles]
170
00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:53,546
Ah, you guys are right.
171
00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:56,082
Of course, she knew it was me all along.
172
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,751
I mean, a husband couldn't-- couldn't fool his own wife.
173
00:06:58,851 --> 00:07:02,121
[chuckles]
174
00:07:08,294 --> 00:07:09,495
You guys, right.
175
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:10,763
You were sure right.
176
00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,832
A man can't fool his own wife.
177
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,035
Rob, you convinced me an hour and a half ago.
178
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:17,637
But keep talking, maybe you'll convince
179
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:20,106
yourself on your way home.
180
00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:21,007
Goodnight, Rob.
181
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,041
Goodnight, Roberto.
182
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,832
[laughs]
183
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:53,406
Oh, that wife of mine.
184
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:56,108
What a kidder, boy.
185
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,211
She's so cute.
186
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,245
I'm gonna kill her.
187
00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:28,741
Laura?
188
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:35,214
Good evening, darling.
189
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,801
I don't know what she meant by that.
190
00:08:59,038 --> 00:08:59,705
Hey, honey.
191
00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:00,873
What's this all about?
192
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:02,208
We having guests for dinner?
193
00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:03,242
LAURA PETRIE: No.
194
00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:05,177
Well, what's the big occasion?
195
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,213
LAURA PETRIE: Nothing, dear.
196
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,048
I just felt romantic today.
197
00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:18,691
Romantic, a married woman and she-- hi.
198
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:21,761
[chuckles] You sure look-- sure look beautiful.
199
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,629
Thank you, darling.
200
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,331
How was your day?
201
00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:26,966
Just marvelous.
202
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,569
What ah-- what ah-- what'd you do?
203
00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:31,904
Oh, the usual, shopping, laundry,
204
00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:35,508
ran the mimeograph machine of PTA.
205
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:38,177
Well, I guess that's the life of a housewife,
206
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:39,912
nothing exciting ever happens. [chuckles]
207
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:40,913
Oh, yeah?
208
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:46,352
Well, you mean, uh-- you mean something exciting did happen?
209
00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:48,521
Mm-hmm.
210
00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,856
Well, come on, tell me.
211
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:53,059
Well, I wasn't gonna tell you until after dinner,
212
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:59,198
but darling, I bought some Armenian string cheese.
213
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:01,500
I found it at a charming little continental restaurant.
214
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:02,401
It's delicious.
215
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:03,669
Taste it.
216
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,038
And there's something else I did today.
217
00:10:06,138 --> 00:10:09,675
I prepared an authentic Italian dinner for you.
218
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:10,910
Ita-- Italian?
219
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,244
Mm-hmm.
220
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:15,614
Why a-- why an Italian dinner all of a sudden?
221
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:16,749
Well, I don't know, dear.
222
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,584
It just came to me like any idea.
223
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,553
I mean, after all, what inspired the radio?
224
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:22,955
It just came to Marconi.
225
00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:27,994
Marconi, an Italian fellow, wasn't he?
226
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:30,763
Yes.
227
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:31,897
[phone rings]
228
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,666
Never mind, darling, I'll get it.
229
00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:36,936
Hello.
230
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,707
Millie, uh, listen.
231
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,542
Rob and I are just about to have our dinner.
232
00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:44,610
Can I call you back?
233
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:45,845
All right, bye-bye.
234
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,150
Oh, darling, I am sorry.
235
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:52,852
Were you expecting an important phone
236
00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:53,986
call or something?
237
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:55,187
No, why?
238
00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:58,391
Why, I mean, the way you lunged at that phone.
239
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,326
I always lunge that way.
240
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,296
RITCHIE PETRIE: Hi, Daddy.
241
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,297
Hey, Rich.
242
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:06,332
Where you been hiding?
243
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,233
In the bathtub.
244
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,434
[laughs]
245
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,369
When's Saturday, Daddy?
246
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,304
Saturday, day after tomorrow.
247
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,239
Good.
248
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:14,407
Goodnight.
249
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,675
Night.
250
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:16,575
Goodnight, Mommy.
251
00:11:16,675 --> 00:11:18,344
Goodnight, dear.
252
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:21,047
Oh, boy, only two more days.
253
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:24,750
And then like you said, Mommy, dolce far niente.
254
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:40,633
Dolce far niente?
255
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,601
Oh, yes, that's an Italian phrase.
256
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,604
It means, how sweet to do nothing.
257
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:46,939
Isn't that cute?
258
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,107
Yeah.
259
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,077
Darling, would you open the wine?
260
00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,846
(SINGING) Dolce far niente.
261
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:56,715
Dolce far niente.
262
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:57,917
Niente--
263
00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:08,027
Dolce far niente.
264
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:09,895
She never hums my phone calls.
265
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,368
Garlic bread.
266
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:20,539
Oh, we're, ah, really, really Italian, aren't we tonight?
267
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,308
I hope you like it, carissima.
268
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,076
[coughs]
269
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:26,378
What is it?
270
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,681
Rob, are you all right?
271
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:29,648
Darling, are you sure?
272
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:30,549
I'm positive.
273
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,017
I'm positive, I'm fine.
274
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:38,424
Boy, was that train crowded tonight.
275
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:42,161
I walked-- I had to walk back seven cars just to get a seat.
276
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,864
I could have taken it 5:44 you know,
277
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,899
but I figured I'd rather stand up than waste
278
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,734
the 14 extra minutes.
279
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,537
Even on the 5:44, I can-- you know, you can always get a seat
280
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,539
on it because it's not very--
281
00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:58,210
[clears throat] Where did you ever hear the word carissima?
282
00:12:58,310 --> 00:12:59,345
Carissima?
283
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,880
I don't know, dear, but I heard someone say it.
284
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,781
Well, yeah, I know, but where?
285
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:03,916
Well, I don't remember, dar--
286
00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:04,850
Rob, what is it?
287
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,152
You seem so jumpy.
288
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:07,353
Well, I'm--
289
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,420
I'm-- I'm very edgy.
290
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:09,688
Well, why?
291
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:12,324
Well, I've had a tough day at the office.
292
00:13:12,424 --> 00:13:14,260
Well, that wine, I--
293
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,094
I'm sorry, dear.
294
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,530
Here, you sit down and relax.
295
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,764
Watch some television.
296
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,299
Dinner will be ready in just a minute.
297
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:33,412
She put me on.
298
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,854
She knows darn well who made that phone call.
299
00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:43,322
MAN (ON TV): All we can tell you panel,
300
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:46,091
is that the lady is married, she's a housewife
301
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:47,693
and she's got a secret.
302
00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:48,928
Oh, boy.
303
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,879
[clacking of piano]
304
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,650
Dolce far niente.
305
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:12,585
Morning, Rob.
306
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,485
Hi.
307
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,587
BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, Rob.
308
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,121
Hey, listen, Rob.
309
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,057
All we need is a few more jokes for the opening monologue
310
00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:19,325
and the whole show is written.
311
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,859
And Buddy came up with a beaut. Tell him.
312
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,328
Yeah, yeah, see if you like this.
313
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:25,197
Alan plays a mad bird scientist and he crosses a homing
314
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:26,765
pigeon with a woodpecker.
315
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,867
The bird doesn't only deliver the message,
316
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,536
it knocks on the door.
317
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:34,440
Cute, huh?
318
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,875
What do you think?
319
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,311
I think that she didn't even know it was me.
320
00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:41,146
She didn't say anything about a phone call.
321
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:42,882
Are you still harping on that bit?
322
00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:44,483
Oh, come on, Rob.
323
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,585
She's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her.
324
00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:47,853
She knows it's you.
325
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:49,355
She thought it was him.
326
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,756
That's what she wants you to think.
327
00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,024
She knows is was you.
328
00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:53,959
You trying to tell me about her?
329
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,761
You may know you, but you don't know her.
330
00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:58,097
She thought it was him.
331
00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:00,165
Well, I know her and I know you.
332
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:02,368
And I'm telling you, she knows it's you.
333
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,103
What, you think you know about us?
334
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:05,771
But I am part of us and I don't know her.
335
00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:07,239
But I know her better than you know her,
336
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:11,310
and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me.
337
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,479
I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.
338
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,118
Rob, if you're in such doubt, why don't you pick up a phone.
339
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,552
Call her up and ask her.
340
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,054
I can't do that.
341
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:24,356
If I call her up, naturally she's gonna say it was me.
342
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:26,959
She's not gonna admit that she was flirting with someone else.
343
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:28,560
[snaps fingers] I know what to do.
344
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:29,962
ROB PETRIE: What?
345
00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:31,730
Make like that Dr. Bonnelli again on the phone.
346
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,465
Call Laura and ask her for a date.
347
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,000
Then if she says, yes or no, you'll
348
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,068
know one way or the other.
349
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:37,603
Are you crazy?
350
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:40,172
Now that would be the meanest thing I could possibly do,
351
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,175
carry on with that stupid practical joke.
352
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,779
I don't know why I ever started it in the first place.
353
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:50,716
I am gonna call her right now and I'm gonna apologize.
354
00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:51,950
That's what I'll do.
355
00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:53,185
I've let this thing go on long enough.
356
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,055
I've got to put an end to it.
357
00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:57,923
I feel like such a nut.
358
00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,358
I've got to tell her the truth.
359
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,660
LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Hello?
360
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,929
Hello?
361
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:05,397
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, carissima.
362
00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:09,268
It is Dr. Bonnelli.
363
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:10,336
Oh.
364
00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:11,236
Who is it?
365
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:12,538
Shh.
366
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:13,539
Hello, Doctor.
367
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:14,440
Doctor, who?
368
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:15,741
Millie!
369
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:17,843
(ITALIAN ACCENT) What have you been doing, carissima?
370
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:22,948
Well, life's the same for your carissima, dull as usual.
371
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:23,916
Whose carissima's dull?
372
00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:25,684
Millie!
373
00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:27,019
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dull?
374
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,855
I mean, a woman of your charm so, so vibrant,
375
00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:32,257
so full of the love of life.
376
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,326
You're very perceptive, Doctor.
377
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:37,730
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Please, um, call me, Berno.
378
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,064
Berno?
379
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,600
Berno, what an enchanting name.
380
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:42,801
Ooh, yeah.
381
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,036
Millie!
382
00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:48,240
What was that, Berno?
383
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,042
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I said, uh, and what--
384
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:51,810
what shall I call you?
385
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:55,314
Oh, carissima's fine.
386
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:58,117
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima, are you married?
387
00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:01,754
Would it make a difference?
388
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:02,654
(ITALIAN ACCENT) No, I--
389
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,689
I suppose not.
390
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,157
Then why ask the question?
391
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:12,131
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima.
392
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,699
Carissima, I must see you.
393
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:16,769
I must see you this afternoon for-- for cocktails,
394
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,104
the Casa Marie at 4:00.
395
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:23,342
I'm sorry, but I can't be there.
396
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:25,444
I could make it at 4:30 though.
397
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:33,152
(ITALIAN ACCENT) That-- that-- that would be just fine.
398
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:36,221
Arrivederci.
399
00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,891
Arrivederci-- who was that?
400
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:39,858
Huh?
401
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:41,093
Oh, that was Rob.
402
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:47,065
What's the matter, Rob?
403
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,768
You OK?
404
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,437
She's-- she's putting me on.
405
00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:56,475
[chuckles] She just put me on, that's all.
406
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,711
Wait, she-- she-- she accepted a date and that's not like her.
407
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,114
I mean, she'd never do anything like that.
408
00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:04,516
She's just-- she's just kidding me.
409
00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:07,019
I played a practical joke on her and she's paying me back.
410
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:07,953
I deserve it.
411
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:08,887
You know something?
412
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:11,156
I deserve that.
413
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,392
Well, let's, uh, finish up this work.
414
00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:15,661
We'll do it no time, then we'll knock off early.
415
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,595
How early, Rob?
416
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,398
Say about 4:30?
417
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:20,699
Come on.
418
00:18:20,799 --> 00:18:22,201
You don't really think she's gonna go down to that bar.
419
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,769
No, I don't, but you do.
420
00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:27,372
Look, even if she didn't know that that was me on the phone,
421
00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:30,609
she'd never would meet a strange man in a strange bar.
422
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:33,111
I would.
423
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:36,615
Come on, you guys, that's enough.
424
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:37,850
Let's get to work.
425
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:42,287
Um, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.
426
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,156
She won't, there's not a chance.
427
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,058
Well, just suppose she does.
428
00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,359
Then she'll be stood up.
429
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,294
Look, she will not be stood up because she
430
00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:50,529
is not gonna be there.
431
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,664
Now she is my wife and I know her.
432
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:54,633
I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing
433
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:55,667
on as long as I have.
434
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,169
I should have told her a long time ago
435
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,537
and told her the truth.
436
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,306
Believe me, when I get home tonight,
437
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:03,742
I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.
438
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:06,345
Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.
439
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:07,379
Oh, no, not Laura.
440
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,382
She won't say a word for months.
441
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,702
Charming, charming, charming.
442
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:34,773
Honey?
443
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,575
Honey?
444
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:37,609
Laura?
445
00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,881
Hey, Ritchie?
446
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,517
Ritchie, where's Mamma?
447
00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:49,421
[inaudible] that's [inaudible] shopping [inaudible]..
448
00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:03,569
Dr. Bonnelli, I'll kill him!
449
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,871
Oh, it can't be.
450
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:08,307
Look, when a man comes home to see his wife
451
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:10,442
with beautiful flowers, the least she could
452
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,878
is be here to greet him.
453
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:15,681
Now Millie, is Laura over there?
454
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,082
Were she--
455
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:20,452
[growls] Um, well, I'm sorry.
456
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,956
Chew some gum, your eye drum will pop back.
457
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,290
Where have you been?
458
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:26,959
Where have I been?
459
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,760
Well, I asked you first.
460
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:29,861
Where have you been?
461
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,597
And what are you doing wearing that dress?
462
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:34,333
I had a date, that's what I'm doing wearing that dress.
463
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:37,069
Isn't that the dress I bought you and--
464
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,003
and--
465
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:38,904
And what?
466
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:40,439
Well, I'd-- I'd--
467
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:44,243
I'd-- I'd-- I don't think it's right for you to wear that
468
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:46,011
dress when I'm not with you.
469
00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,446
And where were ya?
470
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:49,915
I was where I was supposed to be, at Casa Maria.
471
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:53,385
Uh-huh, waiting for Dr. Bonnelli, I presume.
472
00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:05,530
[chuckles] Boy-- boy, did I fool you!
473
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:07,432
Rob, why did you stand me up?
474
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:09,534
I didn't stand you up.
475
00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:12,838
Dr. Bon-- who knew you'd go there.
476
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:18,910
Honey, I am sorry.
477
00:21:22,414 --> 00:21:23,515
Will you sit down for just a minute?
478
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:26,618
I'd like to try and explain.
479
00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:29,054
Here, I brought you flowers, your favorite red ones
480
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,088
and the others.
481
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,861
Ha, we-- just sit down for a minute.
482
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:36,928
Will you, honey?
483
00:21:44,503 --> 00:21:46,738
Now let me try--
484
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:49,374
honey, it was just a silly mistake.
485
00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:51,176
It all started out in the office.
486
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:53,145
It was an experiment for a sketch.
487
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:56,114
We just wanted to see if a guy could disguise his voice
488
00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,483
and his wife wouldn't recognize him.
489
00:21:58,583 --> 00:22:01,186
Now honey, before I got a chance to explain to you,
490
00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:07,225
it got out of hand and it became an ugly, ugly practical joke.
491
00:22:07,325 --> 00:22:10,495
And I'm sorry and I apologize.
492
00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:14,599
Honey, I-- I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me.
493
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:16,702
I'm not even asking you to forgive me.
494
00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:19,805
I'm not even asking you to be nice to me.
495
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:22,808
I'm just asking you to let me live here.
496
00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:30,649
Oh, boy, honey.
497
00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:32,317
I mean, it was such a relief to find out you
498
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:35,287
knew it was me right from the beginning.
499
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,422
You knew it was me right away, didn't you?
500
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,959
[chuckles]
501
00:22:42,094 --> 00:22:45,497
I mean, didn't you know it was me right away?
502
00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:47,766
Honey, [clears throat] as long as I'm all dressed up
503
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:50,369
and Ritchie's over at Millie's why don't we go to that
504
00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:52,604
Italian restaurant for dinner?
505
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,973
Uh, you're not going to tell me, huh?
506
00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:57,576
No, maybe that way it'll teach you not
507
00:22:57,676 --> 00:22:59,478
to play practical jokes on me.
508
00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:01,780
Well, honey, it was just an experiment.
509
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,616
We just called to see if a wife recognizes his voice.
510
00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:07,185
Now come on, you knew it was me right away, didn't you?
511
00:23:07,285 --> 00:23:10,422
[chuckles]
512
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:11,890
Sure you did.
513
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,729
Well, Millie, you should have seen Rob's face.
514
00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:20,565
He looks so cute when he's insanely jealous.
515
00:23:20,665 --> 00:23:22,667
Well, I don't imagine he'll play that joke again.
516
00:23:22,768 --> 00:23:23,401
I know.
517
00:23:23,502 --> 00:23:24,936
[phone rings]
518
00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:26,371
If Jerry did that to me, boy, would I let him have it.
519
00:23:26,471 --> 00:23:30,642
[laughs] Hello.
520
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:32,444
Just a minute, please.
521
00:23:32,544 --> 00:23:33,378
It's Rob.
522
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:35,013
He's doing it again.
523
00:23:35,113 --> 00:23:36,348
This time he's Hungarian.
524
00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:39,418
Well, give it to him good.
525
00:23:39,518 --> 00:23:43,955
Hello, you have the wrong number, but who cares.
526
00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:47,526
You have a charming voice and an adorable accent.
527
00:23:47,626 --> 00:23:53,198
I bet you're a tall, handsome and a wonderful--
528
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:54,199
tell me something.
529
00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:56,301
Do you like my voice?
530
00:23:56,401 --> 00:23:58,570
I thought you would.
531
00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:00,906
What's your name?
532
00:24:01,006 --> 00:24:03,775
Laszlo, that is Hungarian, isn't it?
533
00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:05,177
Mm-hmm.
534
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:09,114
Laszlo, would you like to come to my house for dinner tonight?
535
00:24:09,214 --> 00:24:11,917
Well, don't worry, I'll get rid of my husband.
536
00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:13,485
Well, the quickest way to get here
537
00:24:13,585 --> 00:24:15,821
is to hop into your little car and drive over
538
00:24:15,921 --> 00:24:17,989
to the West Side Highway at--
539
00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:25,363
how dare you, sir.
540
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,632
Don't you ever call this number again!
541
00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:32,003
That wasn't you?
542
00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:33,405
No, this is me.
543
00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:37,476
Well, Rob, I thought that was you just fooling around again.
544
00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:39,010
- Come here. - Why?
545
00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,946
MILLIE HELPER: Rob, she really thought you were kidding.
546
00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:41,913
Yes.
547
00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:43,381
Rob, there's no reason to get angry.
548
00:24:43,481 --> 00:24:44,783
She thought that was you on the phone.
549
00:24:44,883 --> 00:24:46,051
She thought you were continuing that--
550
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,086
Rob, if you're gonna fight and be angry,
551
00:24:48,186 --> 00:24:50,422
you're just being childish.
552
00:24:50,522 --> 00:24:52,257
Rob, please, try to understand.
553
00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:53,658
Do you understand?
554
00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:55,794
I guess he understands.
555
00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:03,001
[theme song]
38370
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.