All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e30

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke show!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Yep, be right with you.

See something else you like, madam?

Oh, can you tell me what this material is?

That, my dear lady,

is genuine imported tie material.

( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT )

So it is.

Yes, they make ties out of this stuff.

Oh?

Shall I wrap it up?

Well, I wasn't really looking for a tie.

Oh, well, in that case, let's play a game.

A game? Yes.

You pick out any tie

that you think your husband would like,

and I'll tell you what he looks like

and what he does for a living--

and if I miss, you get the tie free.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Why? What have you got to lose?

Come on, be a sport.

What he's like and what he does for a living?

Right? Okay, you're on.

Come on. Bigger selection over here.

Look, I got slim jims, fat jims,

bow ties, and an ascot--

in case your husband's a big movie star.

This one. All right.

All right. What's he like?

Well, he's, tall, good-looking,

and has excellent taste in wives.

So far, perfect!

Now, what does he do for a living?

He's the 35th President of the United States.

Shall I wrap it up, Mrs. Kennedy?

Okay, you win. Wrap it up.

I'll bet I was close, though.

What does your husband do?

He's a Television comedy writer.

What's his name?

Robert Petrie.

Are you married to that string bean?

Yes, I am. Do you know my husband?

Do I know him? I gave him his first job.

Look, would you do me a favor

and give this to him as a present from me?

Oh, no. I couldn't.

Oh, it would make me very, very happy if you would.

Well, all right.

Who shall I say gave it to him?

Oh, just say an old friend sends a happy hello.

Now get outta here 'fore I charge you for the tie.

Good-bye. Good-bye to you.

Oh, I love getting gifts,

but I sure wish I knew who he was.

Well, why don't you stop by the shop

sometime next week and thank him,

and then you'll see for yourself.

Said he gave me my first job, huh?

Mm-hm. Who did give you your first job, dear?

Well, old Happy Spangler

gave me my first professional job.

Well, that's him!

He said to give you a happy hello.

Hap Spangler? No, it couldn't be.

Why not?

Well, for one thing,

Hap would never be working in a tie store,

and secondly, I think old Hap died a few years ago.

Oh, well this man was alive, gray-haired and jolly.

As a matter of fact, he looked a lot like your Uncle Frank.

Uncle Frank? Uh-hm.

That could be Hap Spangler.

Gee, I'd like to see him again.

Were you very fond of him?

Fond of him? I hated him!

Really? Oh, with a passion!

I don't think I've ever seen you hate with a passion.

Yeah. well, you've never been around

when old Hap used to rip into me

in front of a room full of people.

Why'd he do that?

Oh, he liked me.

Well, that's a funny way to show it.

Well, old Hap Spangler used to run a pretty tough school,

but I learned more from him

than all the other people I ever worked for.

You could say old hap was responsible

for getting me all of this-- and all of this.

Well, old Hap may have been responsible

for getting you all that-this,

but this-this, I gave you.

That's right-- for a wedding present!

That'll be two dollars even.

Now get outta here,

and don't tell anybody where you bought it.

He's pretty funny.

Picked the ugliest tie in the store.

Well, what's wrong with you?

Didn't you like the tie your wife picked out?

Oh...

Just because you're a big Television writer

doesn't mean you've got taste.

Good to see you, String Bean.

How are you, Hap?

Oh, for a sick old man, I feel pretty sick and old.

How are you, Rob?

I'm just fine, thanks.

My wife told me you were working here,

and I had to come by and say hello to you.

Well, I'm certainly glad you did.

You'll never know how proud I am of your success.

Well, you know, I owe a good deal of that to you, Hap.

Ha-ha.

You don't owe me anything-- except maybe a little hatred.

I used to pick on you pretty good, didn't I?

Oh, you sure did. I thank you for it, too.

I used to stay up all night writing

just to prove how wrong you were.

I knew you would.

I kind of knew you knew I would, too.

But I knew that you knew that I knew you would...

( CHUCKLES )

I don't know how to thank you, Hap.

You really want to thank me?

I sure do.

Buy a tie.

Well, I'm not too sure that would cover it.

( CHUCKLES )

Uh, Hap, I don't know exactly how to say this...

Well, I do, so let me say it for you.

"Hap, whatever happened to you?

"You used to be one of the biggest

"radio writers in the world.

"I thought you were dead.

"What are you doing in a haberdashery store

"selling ties?"

Is that what you were about to say?

That's about what I was gonna say--

what did happen?

Oh, a lot, and it all happened at once.

My wife died, I got sick, went to Switzerland to live.

When I came back,

I found out that radio no longer had any use

for my kind of writing.

I tried Television,

but it was too old and too tired--

didn't keep up with the times, I guess.

So, I found this little niche, crawled in,

and I must say I'm happy.

Are you really?

Well, I'm not unhappy.

Happiness is a relative thing.

I make a couple of bucks, and...my relatives are happy.

I see you still make a pretty good joke.

No, I don't make 'em. I just remember 'em.

Say, Hap...

Say, look, Rob, I'm way ahead of you.

I know what's running through

that soft, sentimental brain of yours.

What can I do for this old has-been?

Maybe I can get him a job on some writing staff

where he won't get in the way.

Well, my answer to you, young man, is,

you wanna buy some drip-dry underwear?

No.

No, you want to hear what's really running

through my soft, sentimental brain?

No, but go ahead.

All right.

I was thinking if I could just harness

this fine old comedy mind again,

a lot of people in this industry would say,

"Hey, that Robert Petrie's a pretty smart boy.

"Found himself an old writer in a tie store,

"gave him a minimum staff job

"and ended up with a big bargain."

( CHUCKLES ) and if the old man

turned out to be a dud...

Well, all right. I'd still be a hero then.

People would say,

"Hey, what a sweet guy Robert Petrie is--

"he doesn't forget those guys that helped him out."

Now, what would you say

if I could arrange a staff job for you?

Well, I'd say, I'd say...

Rob, I don't know what to say.

Good enough for me, Hap.

I'll be in touch with you.

You see what happens when you let your wife go shopping?

She comes home with a rotten tie

and a has-been comedy writer.

Now, Buddy, that's not nice.

How would you like to be called a has-been?

Oh, Buddy will never be a has-been.

He'll always be a never-was.

Look who's talking.

He's been in the business 20 years,

and he's still a-- what is it?

Look, Buddy. Mr. Spangler is gonna be here any minute.

I'd like to get this thing settled.

Well, I don't know anything

about Happy Spangler as a writer,

but he certainly is going to do

more good for this company than--

someone who should remain hairless.

All: Buddy!

( mimicking ) Buddy!

ROB: Mel, what do you think?

I say hire Mr. Spangler.

I've always felt we were understaffed.

Rob, I don't see how you've done as well as you have

with just you, Sally and a trained ape.

I didn't know you were trained.

Look, Rob, I'm all for more help,

but will Spangler be any help?

I mean, he's been out of the business for so long.

Well, he's still a funny guy.

I think if he contributes one decent idea,

it'll be worthwhile.

Well, I hope you know what you're doing.

Well, all I'm doing is trying to give the guy

( PHONE RINGS ) a second chance.

Yeah, yeah, Marge.

Oh, good, send him in.

He's here.

Hey, Buddy. What?

How do I look?

Gorgeous, gorgeous.

Need any lipstick?

No, I don't think so. My lips look all right.

Hey, Mel, you're not gonna meet a new employee like that--

for heaven's sakes, comb your hair!

Sally, loan him a sponge.

Well, hi, Hap.

Come on in. Hello, Rob.

Thank you.

Let me take your hat and coat.

Thank you very much.

Hap, this is Mel Cooley, our producer.

Well, it's a pleasure to have such a distinguished

writer on our staff.

Thank you, Mr. Cooley.

Even though it's a lot of baloney,

I enjoyed hearing it.

Hey, Rob, I like this guy already.

Uh, Hap, this is Buddy Sorrell.

Hiya, Hap. Hey, look.

Two things and we'll be friends--

first of all, don't sleep on that couch

during my naptime and second of all,

help me write some new baldy jokes to insult him.

It's a deal! But, don't worry.

I'm very bad at bald-headed jokes.

Good, I'm glad.

Well, how are you at picking up luncheon tabs

for single-girl writers?

Well, I'm sorry-- this is Sally Rogers.

I'm sorry I'm Sally Rogers, too.

We should have Brigitte Bardot,

but what are you going to do?

Well, everything seems to be under control here.

If you'll excuse me, Mr. Spangler,

I have work to do.

Good luck emptying the ash trays, skinhead.

Loves me. ha-ha.

Mel and Buddy have this mutual misunderstanding going on,

but it's not as serious as it sounds.

Nah, I just do it because I, I like to rib him,

you know, on account I...hate him.

You can hate him, too.

It's fun-- here's how you do it.

Now, first of all...

You squint into his beady eyes, you see.

Buddy, we better get started.

We've got a whole script to write here.

Yeah, let's write one about beady eyes.

Hap, sit down.

I'll try and bring you up-to-date.

Well, that will be a good trick if you could do it.

Don't forget I haven't written for a comedy show in 15 years.

( CHUCKLES ) I meant I'll bring you up-to-date

on what we've written for this week's show.

Oh. Sal?

Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to The Alan Brady Show.

You're now up-to-date.

You mean that's all we've got?

Well, don't you remember

we threw out the opening sketch?

He threw it out. I still liked it.

I don't know what was wrong.

Aw, Buddy. The thing was too long.

It was in bad taste and it wasn't even funny.

Well, aside from that, what didn't you like?

Tell me, is Alan Brady rough

when it comes to accepting material?

Rough?

Hap, some day you gotta get Rob

to do his impression of Alan Brady reading

a piece of comedy material for the first time.

Well, I'd like to see it now.

Yeah, yeah, do it now.

( TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ) Come on, Rob, come on.

We have a whole script to write, you guys.

All right, just relax. Now, Hap, look--

Alan always smokes a two-foot cigar--

watch this.

Yeah, yeah. hold up, and he always looks like

he needs a shave.

That's our boss! And the hat.

Buddy will be Rob, see,

and he's gonna give Alan this week's script.

Right, do it, Buddy, do it.

BUDDY: and here's this week's script, boss.

Hey, wait a minute, boss.

Look here. Here's the funny stuff.

Look!

Ahem!

( GIGGLING )

Oh, boy. You see, Hap.

Now does that give you a vague idea of what goes on?

He's that rough, huh?

And that's when he likes it!

I know the type.

He sounds like a reincarnation of one of my old bosses,

Billy Barrow.

This was early radio.

You probably don't even remember this.

Oh, I remember.

Billy Barrow and his gang every Sunday night, 7 o'clock.

Boy, I'd never miss it!

♪ Billy Barrow's back again hooray hooray ♪

Wait a minute!

Sally, you remember that?

W-well, uh, not exactly.

My mother used to tell me about it.

Look, you guys. we've got a whole script to write.

We better get down to work now.

Right, okay.

When I think of all the people in America

who used to think

Mr. Billy Barrow was Mr. Swell Fella.

You mean, that big jolly guy was really a rat?

A rat?

The writers used to give him Swiss cheese on his birthday.

Heh, heh. Let's get down to work...

I remember once we had this opera star...

Boy, was she big.

She could sing the quartet from "Rigoletto" all by herself.

Ha-ha!

Buddy, you had an idea for the opening...

Sally, come here. I must tell you.

I must tell you this, Buddy. Sit down.

The first day of rehearsal... Yeah.

This fat woman walks in, and one writer says,

"Boy, is she fat.

"I'll bet she has to put on a girdle

"to get into a kimono."

Ha-ha-ha!

Listen, we better start to work, you guys.

HAP: There she comes, walking in with her entourage.

She's got her maid, her agent, her coach...

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( TYPING SOUNDS )

Coffee time.

Oh, good. What time is it?

It must be half-past

my wife's gonna give me the devil

for coming-home-this-late time.

Well, according to my watch,

right now I should be saying to my boyfriend,

"Roger, I do not think that's a fitting proposal.

"If you want to get married, don't ask your mother, ask me."

Rob, do you know that I was a young girl

when this evening started?

Now, come on.

I'm sorry, you guys.

If we don't finish this script come show night,

all of our viewers

are going to be staring at blank television screens--

and we're gonna be staring at blank paychecks.

This is the second week in a row

you've fallen so far behind.

I don't know how you can work such long hours.

Eight hours at the office and then all night here.

Laura, we don't work long hours at the office.

We spend them listening to Happy Spangler

and his recollections down memory lane.

Is that all he does all day long, is reminisce?

No, he has a few laughs and he has lunch with us

and then he sits around remembering jokes

from a 30-year-old radio program.

If you ask me, he's ruining our show.

Aw, look, I told you guys-- just give him a few more days.

All right.

How about Christmas, fourth of July and New Year's?

Rob, would you think me a meddling wife

if I gave an opinion?

Yes, but that won't stop you, will it?

No.

Honey, it seems to me that if you continue--

look, how can I fire the old guy

that gave me my start?

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Rob, look, I like the guy, too,

but let's face it. He's been no help at all.

Now you've got to do something.

Sally's right. On account of Happy Spangler,

we got a four-minute hole in this week's script.

Which we won't fill up by tomorrow.

Now Rob, I'm sorry, I'm just too tired

to think funny anymore tonight.

All right, all right. You guys win.

I'll tell the old guy in the morning.

What will you tell him, dear?

I'll tell him the truth--

that he's a washed-up old has-been,

he's been getting in our way,

and he hasn't been one bit of help.

Oh, you're not going to say that.

No, I'm not, but whatever I say,

that's what he's gonna think.

Well, I'll go through with it

because I happen to agree with you.

Boy, I sure hate to do it, though.

Hi, Rob.

Oh hi, Hap.

Where's the gang-- goofin' off?

Uh, no, they, uh, they went down for coffee.

How's the script coming?

Not too well, Hap.

We got a big hole in the middle.

We're in a bit of trouble.

Oh, I know how you feel.

We used to have the same trouble

with the old Pinky Hamilton show.

We could never make that deadline.

You know, we used to have to write a comedy song

for that show every week, a brand new one?

I had one favorite, let me play it for you.

( PLAYSV PIANO )

Hap, can I talk to you for just a second?

Sure.

Sit down, will you, Hap?

Well?

Well, Hap, it's about the show.

We're behind.

Oh, I know.

We're gonna have to work nights.

Well, as I said, Hap, we're behind,

and I think one of the reasons,

well, probably the main reason...

Hap, what I'm trying to say is

I think we're behind because of you.

Oh. I'm not pulling my weight, huh?

I just spend too much time gabbing about the old days--

is that it?

Well, frankly, yes.

Rob...if you don't mind... I'd like to resign.

Well, Hap, I don't know what to say.

If only you'd...

I'd come up with an idea or a joke.

Or at least tried.

I was afraid.

Afraid?

Yeah...that's why I kept stalling.

Afraid.

I used to think if I only had the chance,

I would show them

I'm still the best comedy writer in the business.

Well, I had my chance.

Much obliged to you.

Oh, I wish it could have turned out differently, Hap.

It's all right.

Maybe it's for the better.

When I get back to the store,

I'll, uh, concentrate on selling ties

instead of daydreaming.

More profit that way.

See ya.

I'm sorry, Hap.

Aw, don't feel bad.

Look, I'm like an old-time baseball player.

I don't want to play the game every day,

I just wanted to know that I could still hit one

out of the ballpark if I felt like it.

Hap, you know, it might be my fault that you didn't.

Nah.

Well, just because you got gray hair

and you used to be my boss,

I think I've been treating you

with the wrong kind of respect.

When you started out with those long reminiscences in here,

I should have said,

"Not now, Hap, we've got work to do."

Nah, you said that a couple of times.

Yeah, but not with the right kind of authority.

Hap, look, you got two weeks' pay from us.

Now I think that might entitle me

to search around in that brain of yours

and find out what's in there

besides old show business stories.

If you find any ideas in there,

they'll be covered over with moss.

You know, why don't we just...

Why don't we just try letting me dig them out--

what do you say?

Well, you'll need a pretty big shovel,

but, go ahead. try.

Okay. now Hap, we've got four minutes of comedy

to fill in the show...

Listen, Rob,

why don't you let an old man resign gracefully?

Hap, what's your favorite kind of comedy?

The kind you can't do on television.

What kind is that?

The kind I couldn't do on radio, either.

Good, old-fashioned slapstick.

Where a guy steps into a bucket of wet cement,

sits on a chair, does a pratfall,

bumps his shin on a desk.

Well, why can't we do that kind of thing on Television?

Because people are too sophisticated and civilized.

It's very easy for a fella to get a laugh

by opening a drawer, closing it,

and getting his hand caught-- awww!

See, you laughed.

I could have broken my finger.

That's not funny, is it?

See, we've learned not to laugh at people's misfortunes.

Hap, let me in there just a second.

Three-and-a-half more minutes,

we've got ourselves a comedy bit.

What bit? I've been giving a lecture.

I know-- that's just what I mean.

Alan Brady's gonna do a lecture

on what people should not laugh at.

Oh, forget about it.

No, come on, come on.

You said comedy is too civilized

( TYPING )

and sophisticated. That's it.

Now what was the, what was the desk drawer...

Okay, hap, would you put

the little chair over here by the piano?

Sure. Hm.

But I don't want a lecture on comedy.

I want comedy.

Besides, Alan's not a lecturer.

Hey, Rob, for once I gotta agree with stupid.

Look, would you guys please reserve your judgment

for five minutes now?

All right. Sit down over there, Mel.

So I guess we're all set.

Yeah, that's good, Hap.

Sit down here. Yeah.

All right. now the scene opens-- now where did I start...

Over at the desk.

Yeah, at the desk.

Okay.

The scene will open with Alan seated at a desk

with his, uh, script.

He has the sheaf of papers in his hand.

And he starts out by saying,

"I would like to discuss with you,

"uh, the development of comedy in this country today,

"and I'm very happy to report to you

"that it's reached a level of sophistication

"of which we could be very, very proud.

"you know, we no longer laugh at the things

"our grandparents laughed at.

"by that I mean low humor and slapstick comedy--

"that humor which gets its laughter

"from cruelty and physical pain."

"most, uh--"

Ow! ( GROANS )

Ow!

"Now, there's nothing funny today about people in pain.

"Back in ancient times,

"I suppose that primitive man used to laugh

"if somebody had some kind of physical pain."

"look at that.

( GRUNTS, GROANS )

Ah-huh.

"Uh, but today, modern people won't fall for that,

"for that uh, for that kind of humor.

"The modern comedian gets his laughs

by using his intellect..."

"and you see he doesn't stoop to low,

physical kind of comedy."

"Ha, oh, that's uh.

"Only an infantile mind, ladies and gentlemen,

"would laugh at a--at a--uh, man

"who was in some kind of pain, possibly uh, blood poisoning."

"Uh, probably a little child would laugh at that,

"but you and I wouldn't."

Oh boy!

"Hm.

"Phew!"

"Today's, today's modern-day comedian comes out

"in front of his audience with a relaxed manner

"and approaches them intellectually,

"with a stool or a chair,

"and talks to them in a relaxed..."

"as Professor Sigmund Freud once said...

"laughing at people in pain

"is a manifestation of a deep-seated hostility."

"But people, people..."

"Oooh, oooh, oooh, hm."

"Professor Freud would not have laughed

"at a man who hurt his foot."

"Thank goodness we have reached a point

"in our civilization today

"where we no longer laugh at people

"destroying themselves."

"I'm very happy, I'm very happy to say

"that you'd have to look over the world

"to find someone who would laugh at a man, say, falling down--

"oh, no...

Hey, Hap, I gotta tell you about that comedy bit.

We've had phone calls all day.

Say, I got some phone calls here.

Some people saw my credit on the screen.

Ha-ha-ha.

Hap, you know something?

I don't think you should have resigned.

I think Alan Brady would love to have you

around that office.

Look, I'm glad the bit was a big success,

and I'm flattered that you want me to work for you,

but writing comedy on a weekly basis

is not for me.

Heh, heh-- not at my age.

Aw, Hap, you're too young to retire.

Who's retiring?

I got my tie shop-- and my typewriter.

If I come up with anything good,

I'll be most happy to send it to you.

Oh, Hap, I couldn't accept comedy--

look, you can do an old man a great favor.

I'll doodle around on the typewriter,

and if I find anything that sounds the least bit funny,

I'll be glad to give it to you.

All right, but what can I do for you?

Aw, forget about it.

If you like the material and if you use it,

drop in, say hello, and bring me a lot of money.

Okay, Hap. It's a deal.

Thank you very much, Rob.

Good-bye, and my best to Laura.

Hey now!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )