All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e28

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Get up, Buddy. You're too high.

( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT THE SHOW )

Yeah, that's much better.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Oh, of course I know what I'm doing.

I've given haircuts to a lot of people.

Name one. Yul Brynner.

Hey, Buddy, you've got an awful lot of hair here.

Which one do you want cut?

Oh, come on... ( MUMBLES )

Come on. Don't you know when you're being kidded,

for goodness' sake.

It isn't easy to cut your hair.

It's very wavy.

My hair is straight. It's my scalp that's wavy.

Hey, listen. I got a...

Sorry, sir. You'll have to wait.

You're next.

What do you think you're doing?

I think she's cutting my hair.

What does it look like back there?

Looks like she's cutting your hair.

Hey, Buddy, did you have a hamburger for lunch?

No, why?

You got ketchup all over the back of your neck.

I think I've got a finish for that sketch.

Alan comes in.

He's got his packages in his arms,

and he's been shopping... Uh, hold it, Sal.

Wait a minute, Rob. Aren't you forgetting something?

What?

That sketch is about the turn of the century.

No man would be out shopping in those days.

Well, we'll assume his wife sent him then.

She wouldn't dare.

Why wouldn't she dare?

Because in those days women knew their place

the man ruled his home with an iron hand,

and if you ask me, it's still a pretty good idea.

What's so good about ruling the home with an iron hand?

Comes in handy for cracking walnuts.

Nah, I still think that was a great time to live.

Gee, I remember when my father came home,

my mother always had his favorite dinner

all ready for him,

and she'd get his pipe and slippers,

and us kids had to address him as "Sir".

So?

So today you come home, your wife's out playing canasta,

you've got to defrost your own dinner,

and you're lucky if the kids talk to you at all.

Oh, Buddy, you're exaggerating.

Yeah, you see, you're brainwashed.

We're all brainwashed.

Is that right, Sal?

Don't ask me I'm only the barber.

I read a magazine article that said we're living

in the decline of the American male.

You believe everything you read?

It's a high-class magazine. It costs 60 cents,

and there wasn't one girlie picture in it.

Well, I don't feel I've declined.

No, huh?

The only thing a guy can do around the house today

without asking his wife's permission

is take out the garbage.

It's not that way in our house.

I don't say we always succeed,

but we try to do everything on a 50/50 basis.

Yeah, I got one of those 50/50 marriages, too.

I work all day, and then I go home

and do 50% of my wife's work.

When I do something around our house,

it's because I want to

and not because Laura ordered me to.

Yeah, I guess it was your idea just now to run out

and pick up some groceries.

So I picked up a pound of liverwurst, so what?

It's the principle that matters, Rob.

Your job is writing comedy.

Laura's job is picking up the liverwurst.

Hey, Buddy did you have a fight with your wife this morning?

We never fight in the morning.

Pickles don't get up before noon.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Well, I don't see anything wrong

with doing a little shopping.

You see you're hiding a brown paper bag

the symbol of the loss of man's authority.

I tell you, Rob, today the average American male

can't fight his way out of a brown paper bag.

Are you trying to make me feel ashamed

because I carried a brown paper bag?

Yeah, my mother wouldn't dare ask my father

to carry a brown paper bag.

Boy, she even had his lunch gift-wrapped.

I tell you, Rob,

you're... you're just ruining it

for guys like my father and me.

Look, you don't have to carry a brown paper bag

just because I do.

Sally, what do you think?

In the battle of the sexes, you're neutral.

Buddy, you have two ears.

Would you like to try for one?

I didn't mean it like that.

I mean it's... it's husband and wife stuff

what do you think?

Well, I'm on Rob's side.

I think he's the kind of a husband every woman wants.

Yeah, because as a hen, you realize he's easy to peck.

Now look, just because I pick up a pound of liverwurst

and take out the garbage and make a bed once in a while

You make the beds?

Really?

Well, I can, if it's necessary.

Nobody orders me to.

So I just make a bed because

as a dutiful housewife you can't say no.

Oh now, wait a minute.

I say no to my wife a lot of times.

If I had a nickel

for every time I said no to my wife today

you'd have change for a dime.

( PHONE RINGS )

Hello.

Hello, Rob?

What's wrong?

Oh, n-n-nothing, dear.

Oh, it's the boss lady. I dare you to say no.

I'll give you a nickel for every time you do.

You're on!

What's on your mind, honey?

Would you mind if we just had cold cuts tonight?

No.

That's one you owe 'em.

LAURA: Well, when you pick up the liverwurst,

will you get some cheese, some cole slaw,

some rye bread, a bunch of bananas

you want to write this down?

No!

You're not going to write it down?

No!

LAURA: Rob, are you mad at me or something?

No, no!

LAURA: You mad at Buddy and Sally?

Six, no.

LAURA: Honey, are things going well at the office?

No!

Oh, well then I won't keep you, dear.

I hope you don't bring this negative mood home with you.

Will you be late?

No, I won't.

Goodbye, dear.

I'd say you don't know our chief

as well as you think you do.

Yeah.

Hey, Rob, you really aren't afraid to say no to Laura,

are you?

Well, not if I feel that "no" is the proper answer.

Can we... Uh, get down to work?

How much more before you'll be through, Sal?

I haven't even started.

What do you mean you've been clipping away there

for 15 minutes?

( CHUCKLES ) with only half a scissor.

( LAUGHS )

Gotcha, didn't I?

Aw, come on. You see that, Rob

the men used to be the guys with the practical jokes.

The women are taking over everything.

I tell you, the next thing you know,

they'll want the vote.

We got it.

See.

Honey, I'm home.

LAURA: Be with you in a minute, dear.

Hi, Rich.

Hi, Rob.

Rob?

Where did you get that Rob stuff?

That's what Laura calls you.

Well, it's all right...

Laura?

Whatever happened to mommy and daddy?

Freddy calls his mommy and daddy by their names.

Uh-huh. Well, young man,

from now on, you will call me daddy,

and that lady in the kitchen is to be called mommy.

Okay, and you can call me Richie.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Did you lose that mood you were in?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine now.

Hey, we wrote a couple of good sketches today.

Oh? Mommy, where's my toast?

You'll have it in a minute, dear.

I'm fixing the toaster.

You go get ready for your bath now.

Okay.

Honey, when you finish putting the groceries away,

would you mind setting the table?

Oh, sure.

You know, Buddy and I had an interesting discussion today.

He claims American males are on the decline.

Honey, hand me those pliers, will you please?

Yeah.

He says American men aren't what they used to be

that the woman is taking over the male place in the home.

Darling, the forks go on the other side.

Oh.

He says that American husbands are nothing anymore

that nobody even pays any attention to what they say.

What do you think?

Honey?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear I wasn't paying attention.

What did you say?

I was talking to you.

What were you thinking about?

LAURA: Well, it's just that it's getting late,

and Richie hasn't even had his bath yet.

I was trying to decide whether to finish fixing this

or wash his hair.

Oh.

Well, you go ahead with that, honey, I'll wash his hair.

Oh, would you dear I'd appreciate it.

Listen, don't get your clothes wet.

No, I won't.

I'll wear my...uh...barbecue apron.

Where is it?

Oh, I put it in the laundry.

Well, use mine. It's hanging up there.

Oh, okay.

( DOORBELL )

Would get it, honey?

Yeah.

Oh, I beg your pardon, madam. Is your husband at home?

Very funny.

Now don't get upset, Rob. It was a natural mistake.

I didn't recognize you without your purse.

LAURA: Who is it, dear?

Nobody important, just the neighborhood smart aleck.

LAURA: Oh, hi Jerry.

Hi, Laura. Thanks a lot.

LAURA: You're welcome.

Hey, Rob. I just dropped over to see if you wanted

ROB: Bowling, huh? To go bowling later.

Rob, I thought you were going to give him a bath?

No thanks. I just had a bath before I came over.

You are a smart aleck.

Well, what do you say, Rob?

Millie gave me permission to go bowling tonight.

Do you think you can get permission?

Well, I can go bowling

without getting my wife's permission, can't I?

Can't I?

Well, of course you can, dear.

You don't need my permission to go bowling.

Good.

It's just that you played poker Tuesday night,

you went bowling Wednesday, but that's all right.

I don't mind watching television alone.

Well, I've got this television show I want to watch

Sorry, Jer some other time.

Well, when do you think you...

Never mind. I'll check with Laura later.

Wait a minute. We'll set a definite date right now.

I'll walk over with you.

No you better not, Rob. Not the way you're dressed.

Millie might see us together, and you know how jealous she is.

I'll walk with you.

Oh, darling, if you're going outside,

would you mind going around back

and bringing the laundry in from the line?

Laundry?

Yeah, you know, sheets, linens, underwear.

Yeah, I know, laundry.

You want me to bring in the laundry?

Yes. Why the furrowed brow?

Well, uh, n-n-nothing.

It's just that I don't remember

your ever asking me to bring it in before.

Did you ever?

You know this is a very exciting discussion,

and I'd love to see how it turns out,

but I've got this steak on the barbecue.

See you, Rob.

Oh, Jerry, listen,

would you give these pliers back to Millie?

Oh, yeah, thanks. These are her favorite pliers.

Tell her I said thank you.

Okay. See you girls later.

Now what's all this about the laundry?

Well, nothing I don't believe I ever brought it in before.

Well, there's no trick, darling.

Just remove the clothespins and pull.

It's fun you ought to try it.

Honey, you bring in the laundry.

Okay, then you fix Richie's toast.

No, you fix Richie's toast.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to sit down and read the newspaper.

Rob, instead of reading the newspaper,

you could wash...

I said that I'm going to read the newspaper,

and I meant it.

ROB: And bring me a cigar .

Oh, you don't smoke cigars.

Maybe I ought to start.

At least it would make me feel like a man.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Feeling better, dear?

Uh, I'm not sure yet.

Oh, just put the blanket at the foot of the bed, please.

Did you look in on Richie?

Yeah. He's sound asleep.

Check the doors?

Yes, I checked the doors, I lowered the blinds,

I set the alarm, and I put out the cat.

Rob, we don't have a cat.

No, but if we did have one,

it would be my job to put him out, right?

You know, that's the tenth reference like that

you've made this evening.

Now what brought all this on?

You'd know if you'd been listening to me

in the kitchen this afternoon.

We had a discussion in the office today.

Buddy read a magazine article

that said the American male is on the decline.

Oh, you are not.

Honey, just look at all the jobs I've done

since I got home this evening.

I set the table, I washed Richie's hair,

I fixed him milk and cookies,

brought in your blanket, helped you with the dishes,

lowered the blinds, and tucked Richie in.

Did you set the thermostat?

Oh.

See?

How did I get all these homey duties?

Well, the thermostat's on your side.

How did I get this side?

You picked it.

No, I've got a funny feeling you picked it for me.

Rob, that's ridiculous.

Well, it is not ridiculous. You forced it on me.

This side is closer to the thermostat and the drape,

the television set, the front door,

Richie's room, and the garbage.

My side is closer to the whole house.

Rob, aren't you exaggerating, just a little?

Exaggerating, what about tonight?

What about it?

I almost got another homey job

taking in the laundry.

Darling, the only reason I asked you to help me

is so that I can get finished a little earlier

so that we'll have more leisure time together.

Together?

I spend all my leisure time checking the thermostat,

washing Richie's hair and almost taking in the laundry.

I'd like to have a little leisure time to myself.

For what?

Well, I... to do things that I want to do...

Smoking cigars.

Whatever I want to do

tapping on a table if I want to.

Whatever.

Well, darling, because you were doing things

like washing Richie's hair,

I was able to do something for you.

What did you do for me?

I washed my hair.

You washed your hair for me?

Mm-hm. Well, the next time

you want to do something for me, wash my hair for me.

Oh, I see.

You don't care how I look anymore.

Well, I happen to be keeping my hair soft and shiny for you.

Yeah, well, I don't have the time to notice it

because I'm too busy keeping Richie's hair soft and shiny.

You know, if I had a tape recording

of what you just said, you'd think it's as silly as I do.

All right, it might sound silly to you,

but there is a lot of truth in there, somewhere.

All of this just because Buddy read an article

in some cheap magazine.

Cheap?

A 60-center with no girlie pictures?

Shh, you'll wake Richie.

I've got a right to, I tucked him in.

All right, Rob.

Would you rather I didn't ask you

to help around the house?

Well, I'm not sure,

but I think it might be better if you didn't.

Better for whom?

For meem, that's whom.

And for the American male that's whom.

Okay, American male.

I won't ask you to help around the house anymore.

Are we finished fighting...darling?

Uh, yeah, until I think up some good arguments.

While you're thinking, would you turn the set on, honey?

Boy, am I brainwashed.

You turn it on!

Brainwashed!

I really wish I had a recording of what you're saying.

You know, you may think of yourself

as a brainwashed American male,

but as far as I'm concerned,

you're a thoughtful, considerate husband.

Yeah...thoughtful, considerate, and declining.

Good night, honey. Night.

( PIANO PLAYING )

( CHUCKLING )

Boy, this is really an old movie.

Look at the funny clothes John Gilbert is wearing.

No wonder. It's Gloria Swanson.

No, I mean the other one.

Look at the derby and those spats.

Well, the clothes might look funny to you,

but a lot of people think

that was a pretty good time to live.

Shh, honey.

What are you shushing it's a silent movie.

A pretty good time to live, all right.

In those days a man was a man...

Master of his own house.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( SIGHS )

( SIGHS ) Hello, son.

Hello, mother.

Did you have a hard day at the factory, son?

You look all worn out?

No, mother. Today was payday.

Here's my week's salary.

Nine cents?

You got a raise! Good boy!

ROB: Mrs. Petrie? I'm home.

Quick, help me straighten up the house.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Good evening, Mr. Petrie.

Good evening, sir.

Aw, shut up!

My paper my cigar and a shoeshine.

ROB: Stop playing with that match

and give me my cigar!

That's why you've got heartburn.

My ice water.

Yes sir.

Well, where's the ice water?

We've run out of ice!

How?

It melted.

You let our ice melt?

Woman, don't stand there gawking go get some!

Never mind the shawl go!

Boy, get me your mother's shawl.

It's cold in here.

Boy, it's only 5:30.

What are you doing home from the factory?

It's Saturday, sir. Only half a day today.

Boy, read the want ads

and find yourself a Saturday night job.

But, Mr. Petrie, darling, I can't read.

You can so read!

I cannot.

Boy, this is my dream you can read, now go

find yourself a job!

Yes, sir.

ROB: Why didn't you get a bigger piece of ice?

Get me my dinner!

What took you so long?

What in the world is that?

Liverwurst jubilee, sir.

Oh, very good, very good.

Looks delicious.

I'd better let it cool off a little.

Woman, what are you doing?

I just thought I'd have my crust of bread, sir.

Give me that. Before you do the dishes?

Get in there and do those dishes!

Mrs. Petrie, will you come here?

That fork is on the wrong side!

May I have my crust of bread now?

Before you scrub those floors?

The floors aren't dirty, sir.

They are now.

But sir, I'm so hungry.

Oh, all right!

You can eat while you're scrubbing the floors.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Bless you, sir.

ROB: Wash those floors good I like my floors soft and shiny.

As soon as you finish those floors,

then come here, woman.

Now you've had your dinner

I want you to bring in the laundry,

take out the garbage, and turn on the television set.

But it hasn't been invented yet, sir.

They've had garbage for years.

No, sir. I meant television.

ROB: No television?

What do you expect me to look at after dinner you?

With your hard, dull hair.

Don't you ever wash your hair?

You disgust me!

I've been busy laundering your shirts.

You've been busy laundering my shirts, have you?

No, you haven't, woman.

This shirt is filthy it needs laundering.

As a matter of fact, this whole suit needs pressing.

There you are, sir. I hope that's satisfactory.

Well, woman. It's 6 o'clock time for bed.

Just a minute, woman.

Haven't you forgotten something?

What, sir?

My weekly Saturday night kiss.

Well, I can't kiss you, sir.

Why not?

Because I'm too tired... And too ugly.

That's true.

Besides, kissing takes up too much of my...leisure time.

I should spend my leisure time doing all the fun things

a man can do around the house alone in the evening

like, like smoking.

That's fun I like smoking it's a lot of fun.

Where is she now do you suppose?

Why isn't she here,

watching me enjoy my leisure time?

Why doesn't she wake up and come down

and see all the fun things a man could do

like, like having that chair there

that's fun, that's fun.

Lifting this smoking stand is a lot of fun.

I'm getting sick and tired of this dream

I hope this is a dream.

Mrs. Petrie...

Mrs. Petrie...

Mrs. Petrie, come down here and wake your husband up.

He's having a nightmare.

Mrs. Petrie, wake me up.

Wake me up, wake me up.

Rob, Rob? Wake up.

What? Oh, oh, auntie em...

What?

Oh, oh, Laura. Thank heavens it's you.

Rob, I'm sorry to wake you, dear,

but you were screaming and thrashing about.

Are you all right?

Boy, am I glad you woke me up.

I was having a dream.

What about?

About the good old days

or should I say the bad old days?

What bad old days?

Oh, when husbands used to sit around like feudal lords

and watch their wives slaving.

You wouldn't like that, huh?

Oh, boy. Honey,

it's no fun watching a beat up old drudge

clomping around in a ripped dress,

her hair hanging in her face...

Thank heavens for supermarkets

and washing machines and electric brooms

and husbands like me.

How did you get in there?

Well, it's the guys like me

that do things for girls like you

that give girls like you the time to do the things

that make guys like me say,

"Hey, you're a pretty good looking dame,

"how about a kiss?"

Hey, these are the good old days.

Laura, Buddy was impossible.

He was trying to prove that Rob was a discredit to his sex.

I was not. I just happened to read this article

about the decline of the American male,

and I felt like I was going to pot

just wanted a little company, that's all.

Some of those articles are a menace.

My wife saw that article

and decided I wasn't declined enough.

I'm so declined that last night I set her hair.

Oh, yes.

Why do you do it?

Because I like to.

You like to set her hair?

No, but I like to save the eight bucks each week.

You know, it's nothing but a matter of degree.

I don't think doing things around the house

is going to hurt your masculinity

if you'd like to save a few bucks

or if you just enjoy doing things,

but everybody should decide what they're going to do

and where they're going to draw the line.

That's right.

You're right, Rob.

Laura, this cake is delicious.

What's that wonderful flavor I taste?

I don't know what did you put in the batter, dear?

Oh, well...

You made the cake? What did you put in the batter?

BUDDY: What is that, nutmeg in there?

SALLY: Oh, I've got to have the recipe, my dear.

Write it down. I must do one for the cake sale.

Did you miss your fans here?

Now, wait, wait a minute, you guys.

I didn't bake the cake she baked the cake.

I just added a little something.

Now this is a rum cake, right?

Honey, tell them what you put in a rum cake.

Rum.

Hear that? Rum.

You know what I put in a rum cake?

Rum!

Well, there's plenty of rum in that cake

drink up everybody.

No thanks. I'm driving.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )