All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e20

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Rob, I'm pouring your orange juice.

ROB: Coming, Laura.

Good morning, honey.

Shhh.

What did I do, kiss you too loud?

( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT )

Your son.

Yes, I know.

Well, look at him.

ROB: I'm looking.

LAURA: What is he doing?

He's sitting at the breakfast table,

eating his cereal and reading the paper?

He can't read.

I can so read.

Isn't that cute?

He's imitating me, is what he's doing, honey.

Oh, I guess so.

You know, for a minute, I really believed what I saw.

Is that the way I look in the morning?

Of course not.

I didn't think so.

No, you're much taller.

Grrrr.

Sit down, tiger. Oh, okay.

Look here, Daddy.

"How, and, work, will, home, and."

He is reading.

Richie, that's wonderful.

How about that?

And only a few weeks ago,

all he could read were one-letter words.

Are you proud of me, Daddy?

I certainly am.

Then give me a nickel.

Rich, I'm very proud of you and here's your reward.

Okay?

I'd rather have a nickel.

Well, we don't pay for learning around here,

young man.

Now why don't you go out and play with your new friend

'til it's time for school?

ROB: Who's his new friend?

LAURA: A boy who's just moved in on maple street.

Tommy kirk. He's older than me

and he says words that I don't understand.

All right, Richie, go on outside and play

and let Daddy have his breakfast.

Okay.

You remember when we talked about having his IQ tested?

I think now's the time.

Why?

Why? You saw what happened here.

Do you realize that boy has only been in public school

for six months?

If he progresses the way he's been going,

you know what he might turn into?

LAURA: What?

An average child.

Hello, Marge? This is Mrs. Petrie.

Yes, I know my husband isn't in yet

but would you have him call home the minute he arrives?

Well, no, it's not urgent but it's important.

Make that urgent and important.

Well, it's almost an emergency.

It's about Richie.

No, no, not that kind of an emergency,

he's not hurt.

It's--well, just have Mr. Petrie call me as soon as he gets in.

And tell him it's about something Richie said.

Thank you, Marge.

Okay, Buddy, no wisecracks.

How do you like 'em?

Very nice.

You really mean it?

Yeah, they're swell.

You're positive?

All right, walk around a little.

Now make like you're being kissed.

Now dance a little bit.

Dance? Dance.

Oh, you haven't been out in a long time.

Oh, come on!

All right, come on. Sit down.

Sit down?

Yeah, sit down.

Cross your legs.

I like 'em.

You wouldn't kid me, would you?

Why should I kid you? I always liked your legs.

The shoes, buddy.

The shoes!

Ohhh, the shoes.

All right, walk around a little bit.

And make like you're being kissed.

Oh, come on, now.

No, but really, Buddy, they are nice, aren't they?

They are beautiful.

Yes, they are. They are beautiful.

Ah-ha. Ooh, yes, they feel good too.

Buddy, you really like these?

I really like 'em.

Yeah, but do you love 'em?

Yeah, I love 'em.

Better than the alligators?

Better than the alligators.

You're sure?

I'm positive.

Good, I'll take the alligators.

Well, what'd you ask me for?

'Cause I value your opinion.

You do? Sure. Your taste is rotten.

Thanks a lump.

Hi, Rob. Oh, hi, Rob.

Sally, Buddy, come here.

What?

"Encyclopedia For Children."

Hey, how come you buy Buddy a present and not me?

I bought this for Richie.

Do you know that I found him picking words

out of the newspaper this morning?

That little kid, already? He can read?

What, are you surprised he learned before you did?

Of course, it's a little old for him right now

but it won't be long before he understands it.

I can't get over that.

Six years old, and he reads.

You know, I was six years old, I couldn't even wave bye-bye.

( PHONE RINGING )

Hello?

Hey, Rob, if that's for me, tell him I'll be ready at seven.

Oh, you got a date tonight?

No, but I'm always ready at seven.

I don't care who he is.

Hi, Marge.

That's not him.

No.

What, about something Richie said?

Yeah, get her for me, will you? I'll hold on.

Laura called about something Richie said.

As soon as I'm through here, we'll get to work.

Hi, honey.

Rob, I hope I'm not interrupting you

but I had to let you know.

Oh, it's all right, honey.

What did he say, a big word?

LAURA: Not exactly.

It was in the station wagon

while I was taking him to school this morning.

Is anybody listening?

Buddy and Sally, but they can't hear.

Oh, I can hear. Can't you hear?

I can hear like a dog.

SALLY: Yeah, we can hear, Rob.

Come on, you guys.

I'm sorry, honey, go ahead.

Well, do you know what your son said to me this morning?

ROB: Something bright. What did he say?

Well, he said--he said--

Richie said that?

What? What did he say?

Oh, honey, are you sure he wasn't

trying to say something else?

Oh, Rob. I'm sure.

It was just as plain as could be.

Well, did you talk to him about it?

No, of course not.

I didn't want to let him know I was upset.

Honey, he might say it again.

What? What did he say?

Oh, listen, we got to get an extension phone.

We miss too much.

Go ahead, honey.

And I just ignored it.

I don't think he'll ever say it again.

Well, I should hope not.

Well, don't you worry about it now.

We'll talk about it when you get home, all right?

ROB: Okay.

LAURA: Bye.

Bye.

Well?

Richie said a bad word.

Well, that we gathered.

Well, what was it? What did he say?

I can't repeat it in mixed company.

Oh, I understand, Rob.

Buddy, would you mind leaving the room?

What bothers me is how do you handle a thing like this?

Laura says we shouldn't make an issue of it.

Well, that makes sense.

Well, I think he ought to be told about it

and scolded for it.

Well, that makes sense too, Rob.

Boy, I remember what my old man did

in a case like this.

What?

Rapped me right in the mouth.

Did that stop you from talking that way?

You kidding? I had such a fat lip I couldn't talk at all.

Yeah, well, my mother had a different system.

She used to lecture me.

Every time I'd use bad language,

she'd wave her finger at me and say,

"show me a person that speaks with a curly tongue

and I'll show you a bird that gathers feathers."

I don't understand that.

Neither did I.

But it cured you of using bad language.

Oh, sure, that and a rap in the mouth.

You guys are no help at all.

Well, I know what I got to do.

I'm gonna go home tonight

and have a man-to-man talk with my son.

Man-to-man?

Hey, is Richie ready for that?

I think he's ready for it.

SALLY: Are you? No.

Laura, I have got to talk to him about it.

I say ignore it.

I promise I won't scold him. I won't lose my temper.

It's wrong.

Honey, he might say it to a stranger.

Rob, if he finds out it's a bad word,

he'll use it every time he wants to attract attention.

Not if we make it perfectly clear to him

that it is not permitted.

After all, we're bigger than he is and he knows it.

Wait a minute.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna see if Dr. Spock has a chapter on vocabulary.

Now we don't need any Dr. Spock.

I've never been more certain of anything in my whole life.

RICHIE: Daddy!

In here, Rich.

Honey, now will you leave us alone?

Leave the room.

Rob, I will not leave the room.

I own half that boy.

All right. Will you promise you won't interfere?

Rob, it's wrong. I just know it's wrong.

RICHIE: Daddy!

Yes, Rich?

How do you say this long word?

What word?

That word.

Oh, that's "unilateral."

Unilateral.

What does that mean?

Well, it's actually two words,

"uno" one, and "lateral" side.

One side, kind of.

Rich, we'll look at the paper a little later.

Sit down. I want to talk to you, Rich.

Honey, this morning, before you went to school,

you said a certain word.

I said a lot of words.

Which word do you mean?

Well, you never used this one before.

I said a new word?

Yes, it's a new one.

Are you proud of me?

Well, Rich, it's not the kind of a word

that somebody would be proud of.

Don't you remember what it was?

No.

LAURA: You see?

Rich, you said it to mom in the station wagon

on the way to school.

It's wrong, it's wrong.

Well, what did I say, mommy?

Uh, Rich.

There are some words that are nice words.

And there are other words that are not so nice.

I know a lot of nice words.

Well, of course you do

and that's what makes us proud of you when you say them.

I know a dirty one too.

ROB: Hold it!

Don't say anything.

Mud. That's a dirty word.

Mud? Ha, ha.

Rich, "mud" is not a dirty word.

Richie, try to understand me, honey.

I am not interested in any other words.

I'm only interested in the one you said this morning.

Was it naughty?

Yes, it was.

Then I won't say it again, Daddy.

Now, that's my good boy.

Which word did I say, Daddy?

Well, Rich, it's an impolite word

and I don't want to repeat it.

Well, then how will I know what not to say?

ROB: How will you--

Richie, dear, I think it's time for bed.

Don't forget to tuck me in.

We won't.

I hate to be an "I told you so"

but do you still think you were right?

How was I supposed to know he wouldn't remember it?

'Cause I told you he wouldn't.

You said he wouldn't know what it meant.

Well, it's the same thing.

Not remembering is just the same

as not knowing what it meant?

Well, translate it any way you like, darling.

It proves one thing,

that ignoring the issue makes more sense.

Ignoring an issue never makes any sense.

RICHIE: Daddy?

Yes, Rich?

Is this what you meant?

Uh, that's--yes.

Now you promise me you won't say that word anymore.

'Cause it's naughty?

That's right, it is.

Do you promise?

I promise, Daddy, and I won't use it no more.

LAURA: Richie, don't say "no more."

I won't use it anymore.

Is "no" a bad word?

It's a wrong word.

RICHIE: A wrong word?

Well, honey, it's not really wrong, it--

ROB: Honey.

Rich, you are a very, very good boy

and mom and daddy love you very much.

I love you too, daddy.

You too, mommy.

Ha, ha. Me too, pal.

We'll be in soon.

Okay.

Well, I guess you won't be hearing this

around here anymore.

You guarantee that?

Well, no, I can't guarantee it.

Well, you just said that you didn't--

well, you won't hear it out of Rich

and you won't hear it out of me.

But who knows how you talk when you're alone?

Gin.

Tell me, Miss Jesse James,

when did you decide to take up card cheating as a career?

Come on. Get it up, pigeon, a buck 40.

Oh, Hi Rob.

You see before you a man 12 feet tall.

I had my first man-to-man talk with Richie last night.

Oh, about what he said yesterday?

ROB: That's right and if I may say so,

Dr. Spock would have been proud the way I handled it.

You know, nothing works like a little love

and a little psychology.

And a little rap in the mouth is pretty effective too.

Maybe with some kids but, fortunately,

I don't have to resort to that for Richie.

All right, let's don't wallow around

in my victory all morning.

Let's put our little minds together

and come up with an opening joke for the desert island bit.

How about this? SALLY: No, that won't work.

Oh yeah, we did it.

Rob, I've been thinking.

Alan's alone on this desert island, see?

No people, no houses, just sand,

and he's dying of thirst.

All of a sudden--

( PHONE RINGING )

the phone rings. That's funny.

Hello? Oh, hi honey.

What?

He promised me he'd never say that again.

A different one?

A rap in the mouth, believe me.

Come on, Buddy, please. Honey, what was it?

You can tell me.

All right, just tell me how many letters were in it.

Oh, my.

Two raps in the mouth.

Cut it out, please.

He's trying to be a father.

ROB: Honey, you say he didn't say it.

Well, did you erase it from his blackboard?

Why not?

He wrote it on the school blackboard.

Well, did he say why he did it?

Teacher asked who learned new words today.

Well, I hope he spelled it right at least.

Well, yeah, honey, look, I'll break early

and come right home as soon as I can.

Don't let Richie out of that house 'til I get there.

Yeah, I'll come home as soon as I'm through.

Bye.

I wonder if he could have seen other words

and just got the letters mixed up?

A rap in the mouth, definitely.

Oh, come on, let's forget about it.

Now, Sal, what were you saying for the word--

uh, the opening?

Well, I was just saying that Alan's alone

on this desert island, see, and he's flipping.

There's nothing to drink and then all of a sudden--

in comes a bald-headed jellyfish wearing glasses.

And the jellyfish takes his glasses off and says,

Rob! "Rob!"

Buddy, will you let him be?

Let him be what?

Yuk!

Rob, how's the script coming?

Better than it was yesterday, I hope?

Yeah, we're working on the opening

for the desert island bit.

Sal, you were saying something. What was your idea?

Well, I was just saying that Alan's alone

on this desert island.

Of course, he's a lot older by now.

He sees nothing but water for miles around

and then all of a sudden--

Rob!

SALLY: Doh!

ROB: What is it, Mel?

Well, let's try to remember

that Alan Brady does a family-type show, shall we?

Sorry, Mel, that's just something my kid wrote

on the school blackboard.

Well, isn't that carrying progressive education

a little bit too far?

He didn't learn these in school.

Well, where then, at home?

No, of course not.

I wish I knew where Rich was picking that stuff up.

And from whom.

When was the last time he was at your house?

Look, beachhead,

I don't use bad language in front of children

but, in your case, I'll make an exception.

Children can be a problem, can't they, Rob?

At home and at the office.

They sure can.

Well, let's run something funny

through that typewriter, shall we?

You'd never fit, fatso.

Rob, Sally, this door slam

is not directed at either of you.

I think he's beginning to like me.

What makes you say that?

His door slams are getting softer.

Hey, how about that island jazz, what was--

oh, forget it.

I've tried to tell you three or four times.

( CHUCKLING ) I'm sorry about the interruptions, Sal.

Go ahead, where were you?

You mean, you're gonna let me finish this time?

Yeah.

You mean, this is it? No interruptions?

No interruptions.

Okay.

So Alan's alone on this desert island, see?

Sees nothing but water for miles around

and then all of a sudden,

a bottle washes up on the shore.

Now he opens the bottle and takes out the message

and what do you think it says?

ROB: A dirty word.

Aagghhhh!

I'm sorry, Sally.

It can't be at school.

I know the parents of all his friends

and they're very nice people.

I agree with you. Not at school.

Then where?

Wish I knew.

There's one sure way to find out.

How? Ask him.

RICHIE: Daddy, mommy, look what Tommy gave me.

What is it, dear?

It's a turtle.

Oh, well, if you're gonna keep it,

you're gonna have to take care of it

and feed it yourself.

RICHIE: I'm not gonna keep it.

I'm gonna make turtle soup out of it.

Rich, would you put the turtle down

for just a minute?

I'd like to talk to you.

Sit down here.

Are we gonna talk about

some of the words I learned today?

No, Rich.

Please forget everything you learned today.

But I learned some good ones.

Darling, maybe we ought to do this after dinner.

Can I have what I want for dinner?

What do you want, dear?

Turtle soup.

Richie, you are not gonna make soup out of that turtle.

Tommy said it was a jerky idea too.

Did he say "jerky?"

Yes.

He's never used that word before.

And he just left Tommy Kirk.

And the Kirks just moved in a few days ago

and I don't know them.

Rich, would you run in and wash your hands for dinner,

please?

Okay, Daddy.

Can I wash the turtle's hands too?

Yeah, go ahead.

Come on, turtle.

Richie, don't use boiling water.

Rob, what are you doing?

Just watch. Hello, information?

Do you have a number for Kirk, K-I-R-K?

It's on Maple Street. It's a new number.

Rob, what are you gonna say to him?

I'm gonna tell him that his language is contagious

and his son Tommy is contaminating this neighborhood.

Tom, you can't say that to a perfect stranger.

443.

Thank you very much, operator.

Oh, Rob, this isn't the way to do it.

Honey, the way I feel, I may say a few words

that even Mr. Kirk never heard of before.

Oh, Rob, please hang up.

Honey, please, don't.

I've got myself all primed and built up

to deliver a real good lecture on social behavior.

Don't say anything to take the edge off my anger

because I'm mad.

Hello, who is this?

Mrs. Kirk.

Mrs. Kirk, this is Robert Petrie.

The reason I--my wife wants to talk to you.

Well, you seem to have lost your edge pretty fast.

How did I know Mrs. Kirk was gonna answer?

Rob!

Honey, Mrs. Kirk's waiting.

She's coming right now.

Honey, come on.

Rob, what am I gonna say to her?

You say to her what I was gonna say to him.

Well, how do I know what you wanted to say to him?

You know how I think, honey, you know me.

Mrs. Kirk, she's on her way right now.

Honey, Mrs. Kirk's waiting.

Here she is.

Hello, Mrs. Kirk.

This is Mrs. Petrie, Richie's mother.

Well, thank you, and Richie likes Tommy too.

Tell her what's been going on.

Mrs. Kirk, I was wondering,

since our boys are such good friends,

if you and your husband wouldn't like to come over

and visit us so we can become better acquainted.

I wasn't gonna say that.

Well, then, you say what you want it to be.

My wife will be right with you.

Yes, that was my husband who was just passing by.

Well, then, shall we make it this evening about 8:30?

All right, the address is 148 Bonnie Meadow Road.

All right, we'll look for you then.

You're welcome.

Honey, why did you do that? Who needs 'em over here?

Rob, you can't discuss something like this

on the phone.

Now the Kirks probably aren't even aware

that their son is repeating things he hears at home.

Please do it my way.

All right, honey, but I am warning you,

I am very upset,

and I may lose my temper with them.

You seem to have lost your temper already.

Well, I'll get it back before they get here.

I cannot understand why parents allow their children to do

and say things that can only make them social outcasts.

Don't they even care about their kids?

Rob, you're getting much too excited.

Good. I lecture better when I'm excited.

How about some dinner?

What are you having?

Spaghetti and meatballs.

I don't want any.

Well, honey, that's your favorite.

I know.

If I eat it, I'll get happy and I want to stay mad.

Well, it's 8:30. Where are they?

Keep your voice down. Richie's asleep.

You really are upset, aren't you?

I don't believe I have ever been as mad

as I am at this moment.

You know something,

I'm getting just about as mad as you are.

You had your spaghetti and meatballs.

What made you mad?

I've just been up there

looking at that innocent little boy

and thinking how difficult it's been

to keep evil away from him

and to teach him right from wrong,

to love him, and watch over him.

Right. that's exactly what I mean.

And then to have some joker like this Kirk

who's totally unaware or permissive or whatever,

come in the neighborhood and cancel out the whole thing.

I'm with you.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Well, let's try to do this without losing our tempers.

We won't lose our temper.

You don't have to

when you have the power of good on your side.

I hope we're not late, Mrs. Petrie.

May we come in?

Uh, yes, come right in.

Can we take your collar-- your hat?

Oh, hat.

Come in.

Well, I must admit that Richie's writing

that on the school blackboard was pretty embarrassing.

But I think our experience with Tommy was more annoying.

And more expensive.

Why, what did he do?

He took a nail and scratched his little message

in the living room wall.

With a nail, huh? How about that, honey?

Little devil.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that. It just kind of slipped out.

Oh, that's all right.

It's the way we felt about it too.

Besides, things do slip out sometimes.

ROB: Yes, they do.

But how do you stop kids from slipping?

I don't really know if you can.

Of course, I'm not an expert on the subject,

obviously, but I do talk to a lot of parents

and, believe me, our kids are not unique.

This is a very common problem.

I think that Tommy and Richie have just reached the age

where they're searching to learn things

they haven't been taught at home.

They're just trying to create a kind of independence

for themselves.

I just hope they don't get too independent.

Yes, that could be very embarrassing.

Especially when you're in my husband's line of work.

( LAUGHS )

Well, as children grow older, they naturally say things

that they know are wrong just to provoke a reaction

so it's up to us to react correctly.

ROB: But what is the correct reaction?

Ha, well, there's several schools of thought on that.

Take my father, for instance.

His reaction was an understanding smile

and a rap in the mouth.

Thank goodness we handle it differently nowadays.

Yes, we do.

How?

Well, mainly by setting a good example.

Well, we try to

but how do you handle a situation like this one?

Well, just the same way your husband does.

I have a talk with Tommy

and tell him how I feel about it.

And I just try to do that in an atmosphere of mutual love.

Oh, well, then, Richie has no problems, honey.

The kid's crazy about us.

I'm sure he is.

And you don't go round saying things

you wouldn't want him to hear.

No, we try not to.

You just have to realize that there's really no way

you can keep him from hearing some bad things

or even having some bad things happen to him.

Like what happened to Tommy today.

What happened to Tommy?

Well, he traded his pet turtle to some little boy

for 200 baseball cards.

Uh, ahem, didn't he want to trade?

Oh, yes, but after he did it, the little boy said

he wanted the turtle to make soup out of him.

Excuse me.

To make soup out of him.

I hope the kid's parents

know enough to discourage him from doing it.

Oh, I'm sure they do.

I'm abso-- aren't you, darling?

Oh, yeah, they're very intelligent,

responsible parents.

Here you are, Reverend.

Well, the prodigal returneth.

Yes, his hands are all clean too.

( MUSIC PLAYING )