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Say, that's a marvelous dance team.
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( TOY RATTLES )
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Please, honey, I'm trying to watch.
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Did you write this dance, Daddy?
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No, dear.
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Daddy didn't write the dance,
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but he did write the show, and he wants to see it.
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ALAN BRADY: ( ON TV ) Well, that's our little contribution for this week.
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Now I'd like to bring out our guests for ne last bow.
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Here they are.
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Did you write what Alan Brady just said?
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Uh, part of it, Ritch.
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ALAN BRADY: Now until next week,
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I'll leave you with this thought.
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It's better to smile one day than cry a whole year.
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Goodnight, all.
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Oh, that didn't work.
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ANNOUNCER: " The Alan Brady Show"
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Is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.
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Where'd they get that name,
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"Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly"?
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Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids.
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Barb is his wife.
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Ben is his lawyer.
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Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.
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Who's Polly?
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That's his bird.
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Okay, Ritch, say goodnight to everybody.
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Time for bed.
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Goodnight, Daddy.
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Goodnight, Ritch.
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JERRY: Goodnight, Ritchie.
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Goodnight.
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I'll just go tuck him in.
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It shouldn't take more than an hour.
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Honey, would you put that stool away?
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Oh, okay.
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Well, another week and another show.
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You know, except for that closing line,
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it wasn't a bad show tonight.
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I thought it was wonderful.
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You two enjoyed it, huh?
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Now do you want an honest opinion?
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ROB AND MILLIE: No!
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Why not?
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'Cause I don't know what's gonna come out of you tonight.
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Are you in one of your needling moods?
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No. An honest opinion
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doesn't mean I'm gonna say it was a lousy show.
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All right then, what did you think of it?
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It was rotten.
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Thank you very much, Jerry Helper.
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Don't pay any attention to him.
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He loves to tease.
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Ooh, someday.
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Laura, what did you think of the show?
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I thought it was very good.
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Oh now, there's a loyal wife.
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No, Jerry, it's not just loyalty.
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I happened to honestly enjoy Mr. Alan Brady tonight.
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Oh, Rob, straighten her out, will you?
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Look, Laura doesn't need somebody to tell her
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what's good and what's bad.
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But you even said it was a clinker.
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All I said was it wasn't a bad show.
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I said the last line was a clinker.
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Well, one closing clinker
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can make a whole show clank.
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I think maybe we ought to have some coffee
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before things get violent.
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We're not gonna get violent.
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No, two friends don't have to get violent
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just because they're gonna discuss the merits
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of a rotten television show.
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Just a minute, jerry.
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I don't know whether you're kidding or not.
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Oh, of course, he's kidding.
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You know Jerry.
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Yeah, I know Jerry,
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and I can never tell whether he's kidding or not.
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Oh, Rob, did you think I was serious?
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Well, I never know with you.
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You sounded serious.
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Well, I was.
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Jerry!
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JERRY: Okay, the truth.
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You want to know what I honestly thought
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of Rob's show tonight?
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Yeah, if it's an honest opinion.
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Well, it is.
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I'll bet.
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I thought it was very enjoyable
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and highly entertaining.
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Well, thank you.
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If you like junk.
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You're gonna get it.
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I mean it, you're gonna get it.
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Aw, everybody knows I'm kidding.
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Are you?
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No.
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Jerry!
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Aw, come on, honey.
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Rob knows it's just in fun.
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Jerry, that is just the point.
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Kidding is not fun.
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It can lead to serious repercussions.
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JERRY: Like what?
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Well, like, someday you're gonna pick on some guy,
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you're gonna get a bust right in the nose.
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Oh, come on, now, Rob.
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You're not gonna punch me in the nose.
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No, not me, I'm not the violent type.
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But you're gonna come up against some guy, some day,
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who doesn't know you're kidding.
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He's gonna haul up and hit you one.
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No, not me.
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When I see that punch coming, I'll say "kidding."
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Uh-huh. He'll say, "So what?" Pow!
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( DOORBELL RINGS )
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Ah, excuse me, I'll get that.
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Oh, that looks good.
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Yeah, I hope you like it.
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I thought it looked kind of good.
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It's frozen.
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Oh, hello, Officer Bain.
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Hello, Mrs. Petrie.
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Is Mr. Petrie in?
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He's here, officer.
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Give yourself up, Rob.
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Yes, sir, he wrote that show tonight.
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MILLIE: Stop that.
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Oh, thanks very much.
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Hi, Jack. Come on in.
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Mr. Petrie.
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You know our next door neighbors.
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Hello, Dr. Helper, Mrs. Helper.
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Now listen, Rob. Don't involve me.
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He came to arrest you.
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Dr. Helper! They're kidding.
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Officer, would you like some coffee?
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No, thank you.
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JERRY: Hey, there's a smart man,
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He's heard about your coffee.
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What can I do for you, Jack?
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Well, I'm sorry to bother you
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at home like this, Mr. Petrie,
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but I got a couple of relatives in from Danville, Illinois,
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and they're real fans of your show
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and I was wondering if you can get me a couple of tickets
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for next week's show.
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Oh, yeah, no problem at all.
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Hey, I think I've got a couple here in my billfold.
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Yes, I have. There you are.
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Well, that's awful nice of you.
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Well, it's a pleasure to give an officer
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a ticket for a change.
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( LAUGHING )
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It's a good thing
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you don't have any tickets for tonight's show.
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If he saw that, he would have locked up the cast
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and confiscated the cameras.
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Well, I guess show business
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is like everything else,
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you can't come up with a winner every week.
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Look, it just so happens
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we had a pretty good show tonight.
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Hey, now wait a minute, Rob.
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You know, you can get arrested for perjury.
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MILLIE: Officer, don't listen to him.
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It was a very nice show.
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Laura and I loved it, didn't we, Laura?
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Yes.
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Oh, honey, Officer Bain here knows
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that a wife can't testify against her husband.
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No, but I can testify
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that Dr. Helper sat through the whole show and laughed.
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That's right, Officer. I'd like to report that.
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They held me captive in their living room
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and made me watch a bad TV show.
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Now, is that considered a crime?
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( LAUGHING ) I'm afraid not.
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There aren't any laws to protect us
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against bad TV shows yet.
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So you're safe.
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Thank you.
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Well, thanks for the tickets, Mr. Petrie.
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And I hope you come up with a good one next week.
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Goodnight.
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That's a smart Officer, huh?
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And a good personality.
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Jerry, do you know something?
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Darling, would you serve the coffee, please?
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Yes, dear.
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I don't think Jerry deserves any coffee.
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Oh, come on, honey. Just because I speak the truth?
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You speak just to annoy.
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ROB: Millie, would you pass that to Laura?
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I keep telling him,
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someday someone's not gonna know he's kidding.
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ROB: Millie.
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Thank you.
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Coffee, Jerry? Oh, yeah, you bet.
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If I were Rob, I'd pour that coffee right on his head.
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Hey, now listen, don't give him any ideas.
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Oww!
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I'm sorry. you moved your cup and I--
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It's all right, Rob.
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It's all right. Just sit down.
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I'm sorry.
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It's all right. This won't help you, believe me.
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Won't help what?
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Pouring hot coffee on me will not silence my tongue.
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The world will still hear my message,
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"The Alan Brady Show" was rotten.
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Have a little sugar, dear.
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"The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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( THEME MUSIC )
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Ritchie, that's enough sugar.
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I only used two.
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I always use three spoons.
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Two teaspoons full, dear.
222
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That was a tablespoon.
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Is there more sugar in a tablespoon
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than there is in a teaspoon?
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Ritchie, you knew that, didn't you?
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Yes, but I didn't know you knew it.
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Well, I do.
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RITCHIE: We just learned it in school.
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Oh, come in, Freddie.
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How are you, dear?
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Fine. Are you ready, Ritchie?
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My Mommy's is driving us today.
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He'll be ready in a minute, dear.
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He's just finishing his cereal.
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Would you like some?
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Hot. Hot or cold?
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Okay, I had cold.
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Here we go.
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You can have mine.
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I've just fixed it. There you go.
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Ritchie, you put sugar in yours.
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Oh, yeah, I forgot.
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Did you see "The Alan Brady Show" last night?
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Yeah, mommy lets me stay up and watch it.
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It was a rotten show, wasn't it?
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Good morning, everybody.
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Good morning, honey.
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Mommy, was daddy's show rotten last night?
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It was very good.
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It was very good.
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Why'd you ask your momma?
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Didn't you see it?
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It's too old for me.
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I don't understand it.
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Well, it was a rotten show.
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Ha, ha, Freddie, ha, ha.
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Well, why do you say it was a rotten show?
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Didn't you like it?
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I didn't see it.
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Well, Freddie, if you didn't see it,
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how do you know that it was a rotten show?
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My daddy told me.
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Ha, ha, I thought so.
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His daddy told him.
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How do you like that?
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He's not only a dentist, now he's a critic.
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Oh, Rob. don't let it upset you.
268
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:14,861
It's just Jerry's idea of a practical joke.
269
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:15,995
Well, that's some practical joke,
270
00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:16,996
going around yelling
271
00:08:17,029 --> 00:08:18,798
"The Alan Brady Show" last night was rotten.
272
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,633
You see, your daddy thought it was rotten too.
273
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,604
I did not. I thought it was a great show
274
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:26,639
and you can tell your father I said so too.
275
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:28,674
I'll tell him, I'll tell him!
276
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:30,176
Rob, you scared him.
277
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:32,044
Oh, uh, Freddie!
278
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,846
Well, honey, I didn't mean to scare him.
279
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:34,914
Ritchie, where are you going?
280
00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:36,582
You didn't finish your cereal.
281
00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:38,618
It was too sweet.
282
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:40,987
Well, it's late anyway.
283
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,822
Be sure and drink your milk when you get to school.
284
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:43,689
Okay.
285
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,791
Daddy, if anybody asks me at school,
286
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:48,794
should I tell them the show was good or rotten?
287
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:49,662
You tell 'em it was good.
288
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,697
Okay.
289
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,933
No, wait a minute, tell 'em it was great.
290
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,301
Bye, sweetie.
291
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,104
How do you like that, my own flesh and blood.
292
00:08:58,137 --> 00:08:59,138
Oh, darling.
293
00:08:59,171 --> 00:08:59,872
VINNY: Good morning.
294
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:00,973
Good morning, Vinny. Come on in.
295
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:02,074
Thank you.
296
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:05,878
Well, we got a special this week on cottage cheese
297
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,847
and I thought you'd want to take advantage of it.
298
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:08,848
LAURA: Good, I will.
299
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:09,515
VINNY: Yeah.
300
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,182
Hey, hiya there, Mr. Petrie.
301
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,384
Fine. fine.
302
00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:12,184
How are you, Vinny?
303
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,221
Oh, okay. How's the show going?
304
00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:16,856
Okay, I guess.
305
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,625
Yeah, I guess it must be kind of hard, huh?
306
00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:22,261
Every week to put on a good show?
307
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,663
It's kind of hit and miss, isn't it?
308
00:09:23,696 --> 00:09:25,264
Yeah, I guess so.
309
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,300
Yeah. Tell me, Mr. Petrie,
310
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:29,969
how does a big star like Alan Brady take it
311
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:31,871
when he has a bad one like last night?
312
00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:36,409
What do you mean, a bad one like last night?
313
00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:37,510
Well, you know, when you have a show
314
00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:40,813
that the televiewing public don't think is so good.
315
00:09:40,846 --> 00:09:42,815
Well, Vinny, didn't you like the show last night?
316
00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:44,016
Oh, you can't go by me.
317
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,117
That wouldn't be fair.
318
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,085
Why not?
319
00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:48,054
'Cause I didn't see it.
320
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:51,023
No, you see, I play pinochle with my brothers on sunday.
321
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:52,692
Vinny, if you didn't see the show,
322
00:09:52,725 --> 00:09:54,327
how can you say it wasn't good?
323
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,196
Well, you know, you hear things, word of mouth.
324
00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:58,397
Word of mouth?
325
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,266
Yeah, my customers tell me.
326
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:01,367
Oh, I see.
327
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,602
Yeah, well, actually,
328
00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:05,204
the one and only word of mouth I've had so far on this show
329
00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:07,707
was from your neighbor, you know, the dentist.
330
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:09,241
Dr. Jerry Helper.
331
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,277
Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
332
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:15,247
Oh boy, that show last night must have been some catastrophe
333
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,917
when your own neighbor says it was rotten.
334
00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:20,853
Yeah, I'm glad I played cards.
335
00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:23,823
( LAUGHING ) I'll tell you something, Vinny, ha, ha.
336
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:25,124
That show last night was a great show
337
00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:28,461
and you can use that for your word of mouth.
338
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:29,895
All right, all right.
339
00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:31,030
Oh, I'm sorry, Vinny.
340
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:31,797
I didn't mean to shout at you.
341
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:32,932
Oh, that's all right, Mr. Petrie.
342
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:36,168
Dr. Helper said you'd be kind of touchy after a bad show.
343
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:39,772
There you are. Well, see you wednesday.
344
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:40,272
Bye, bye.
345
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,741
Bye.
346
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:45,144
Now, Jerry is going a little bit too far.
347
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:46,746
He's spreading it all over the neighborhood.
348
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:48,881
Rob, don't let it upset you.
349
00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,282
You know it was a good show.
350
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,450
That's what upsets me.
351
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,518
We had a good show,
352
00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:53,786
and he's broadcasting to the whole neighborhood
353
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,021
that we didn't.
354
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:55,888
You tell a lie often enough
355
00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,057
and it begins to sound like the truth.
356
00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,458
Next thing you know, I'll be out of a job.
357
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,060
Oh, Rob. ( DOORBELL RINGS )
358
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:02,194
I'll get it.
359
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:08,868
( ROB MUTTERING )
360
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:11,003
yes?
361
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,838
Singing message for robert petrie.
362
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:15,374
Singing mess-- well, I'm Robert Petrie.
363
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,877
♪ Robert Petrie wrote a show ♪
364
00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:20,112
♪ Supposed to be funny ho ho ho ♪
365
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,748
♪ Look how far this man has gotten ♪
366
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:25,418
♪ Writing shows that are really rotten ♪
367
00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:33,259
Signed, The Phantom Neighbor.
368
00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:36,195
Thank you.
369
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:37,229
There's more.
370
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,030
Oh, there is?
371
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,466
♪ I'm only kidding.
372
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:44,136
Thank you very much.
373
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,438
Get outta here.
374
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,309
I heard.
375
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:58,384
Hi, dear.
376
00:11:58,417 --> 00:12:00,886
Hi.
377
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,988
Did daddy come home yet, mommy?
378
00:12:03,022 --> 00:12:04,890
No, he'll be home any minute now.
379
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,892
Dr. Helper just came home.
380
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,060
That's nice.
381
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:10,896
He's got a bandage on the tip of his nose.
382
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,331
Oh? That's nice.
383
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:15,434
Like this, Mommy.
384
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,436
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
385
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,071
What happened?
386
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,573
He got a punch in the nose.
387
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:23,209
Somebody punched Jerry Helper in the nose?
388
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,343
Daddy did.
389
00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:28,314
Who?
390
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:29,482
Daddy.
391
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:30,950
Who told you that?
392
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,918
Dr. Helper.
393
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,120
Honey, are you sure he said
394
00:12:34,153 --> 00:12:36,021
Daddy punched him in the nose?
395
00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:37,356
No, he said "Robert Petrie"
396
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:40,259
but that's Daddy, isn't it?
397
00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:41,927
Yes, that's Daddy.
398
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,429
ROB: Hi, folks.
399
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:45,030
Hi, Daddy.
400
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:46,866
Hi, Ritch.
401
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:48,434
Hey, what happened to you?
402
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,437
I'm playing broken nose.
403
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,439
Did you punch Dr. Helper in the nose?
404
00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:54,573
What?
405
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,142
Well, who said that, Ritch?
406
00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:57,977
Uh, Ritchie, I think it's time for bed, dear.
407
00:12:58,010 --> 00:12:59,278
Go get your pajamas on.
408
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,179
But I want to hear
409
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:02,581
how Daddy punched Dr. Helper in the nose.
410
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,550
Well, Daddy didn't punch Dr. Helper
411
00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:06,352
in the nose, did you, Daddy?
412
00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:07,920
No, I didn't, Ritch.
413
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:08,988
He said you did.
414
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:10,389
Well, he was only joking.
415
00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:11,323
Wasn't he, Daddy?
416
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,026
That's right. Dr. Helper's a big joker.
417
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:15,494
You go get your pajamas on, Ritch.
418
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,263
Okay.
419
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:18,564
Did you bring me anything?
420
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:20,099
Oh, no.
421
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,368
Wait a minute, here's a paper clip.
422
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:26,405
Yay!
423
00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:27,873
Love that "yay."
424
00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:29,575
He's a cute one, all right, isn't he?
425
00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:30,910
Rob?
426
00:13:30,943 --> 00:13:32,978
I didn't punch him in the nose.
427
00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:35,080
Then why did he say you did?
428
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,583
Did he say I punched him in the nose?
429
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:38,918
According to Ritchie.
430
00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:39,919
Well, I didn't.
431
00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:41,520
You didn't? No.
432
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:44,557
I was sort of, like, hit him in the nose.
433
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:45,958
What's for dinner, honey?
434
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,359
What's the difference?
435
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,128
Rob, you didn't hit him?
436
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,096
Yup, accidentally.
437
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:54,466
Not that he didn't deserve a shot.
438
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,302
Boy, he sure had it coming to him.
439
00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:57,269
Well, what happened?
440
00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:59,939
Well, he called me to have lunch with him today
441
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,440
and I wanted to talk to him.
442
00:14:01,473 --> 00:14:03,275
And we went to this restaurant.
443
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:04,310
You hit him in the restaurant?
444
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,178
Yeah. Accidentally,
445
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:08,347
and I must say I kind of enjoyed the experience.
446
00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:11,250
What happened?
447
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:13,018
Well, this waitress that I know there
448
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:14,119
came over to the table
449
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:15,354
and said she saw the show last night
450
00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:17,323
and she thought it was excellent.
451
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,291
And that's when old Jerry went to work.
452
00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:20,626
What did he do?
453
00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:22,428
He started playing district attorney.
454
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:23,929
He took the plates out of her hand,
455
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:25,064
put 'em on the table,
456
00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:28,033
sat her down and cross-examined her.
457
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,236
He said, "Well, young lady, tell me,
458
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,238
you say you thought 'The Alan Brady Show' last night
459
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:33,539
was magnificent.
460
00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:34,373
I see.
461
00:14:34,406 --> 00:14:37,076
Now tell me, did you see 'Ben-Hur'?
462
00:14:37,109 --> 00:14:37,877
Uh-huh? You did?
463
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,545
What did you think of 'Ben-Hur'?
464
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,146
Oh, magnificent, you say?
465
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:43,582
Would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show'
466
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:45,384
is as good as 'Ben-Hur'?
467
00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:47,753
Oh, no?
468
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,688
Well, would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show'
469
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,490
was half as good as 'Ben-Hur'?
470
00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,092
Oh no?
471
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:54,293
One quarter as good?
472
00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:56,061
No? One eighth as good?
473
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,997
Ah-hah, one eighth, you say.
474
00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:01,300
Then I contend that one eighth of magnificent is rotten."
475
00:15:03,702 --> 00:15:05,337
He didn't. Oh, he did.
476
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:06,338
That's when you hit him?
477
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:07,506
That's when I wanted to hit him.
478
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:08,540
Boy, I'll tell you something.
479
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,309
I was mad enough to.
480
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:12,278
Honey, you know, there must have been 175 people
481
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:13,679
in that restaurant that heard him say
482
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:15,447
that "The Alan Brady Show" was rotten?
483
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,316
Well, how did you accidentally hit him?
484
00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:19,718
Well, I was sitting down, he was standing up
485
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:20,486
and I wanted to get him out of there.
486
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:21,553
We hadn't even finished eating yet.
487
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,590
I called the waitress over, I said, "Check, please."
488
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:25,324
Aghh!
489
00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:26,058
Oh, honey.
490
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:27,059
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
491
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,060
What did I do?
492
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,662
Oh no, oh, my nose.
493
00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:30,696
What's happened?
494
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:32,464
Daddy shot Mommy in the nose.
495
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,133
He did?
496
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:36,168
Rob, how could you?
497
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:37,336
It was an accident, Millie.
498
00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:38,637
Are you sure?
499
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,372
No, I did it on purpose.
500
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:41,740
Mommy, Mommy!
501
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,509
Ritchie, go to bed.
502
00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:45,611
Laura, are you all right?
503
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:48,180
Yes, I'm fine, Millie. Just leave me alone.
504
00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:49,748
Daddy, why did you hit Mommy?
505
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,583
Go to bed!
506
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,286
Okay, okay, I'm going to bed.
507
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,423
No, Millie, I meant him, not--
508
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:58,457
She's gonna go to bed!
509
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:02,027
Honey, let me see.
510
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,265
You've got to get over there, Jerry.
511
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,666
Honey, I don't like to interfere
512
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,069
in other people's little marital spats.
513
00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:12,371
It's not any little marital spat.
514
00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:14,340
He punched her in the nose.
515
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:16,175
She was crying and he was shouting
516
00:16:16,208 --> 00:16:18,077
and the whole family looked wild.
517
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:20,346
Why, even Ritchie had a bandage on his nose.
518
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:21,780
Oh, now, come on, Millie.
519
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,715
Use your head.
520
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,650
Rob wouldn't punch his wife in the nose.
521
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:26,485
Well, he punched you in the nose, didn't he?
522
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:27,486
Well, that's different,
523
00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:29,355
I was kidding him about his television show.
524
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:30,155
When are you gonna learn
525
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:32,458
that kidding and teasing aren't fun?
526
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:33,792
Well, it is fun. I like it.
527
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,728
Well, you're the only one.
528
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,596
Now get over there and do something.
529
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:38,530
What'll I do?
530
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,200
Keep Rob from doing any more violence today.
531
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:43,335
Rob didn't do any violence.
532
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:45,237
Hitting you in the nose is violence.
533
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,572
Well, that was an accident.
534
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,207
An accident?
535
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,477
You told me he punched you in the nose on purpose.
536
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:52,611
Did I say that?
537
00:16:52,644 --> 00:16:53,746
MILLIE: Yes, you did.
538
00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:58,150
Well, I was only kidding, you know me.
539
00:16:58,183 --> 00:16:59,351
Now, look, honey, this is the truth
540
00:16:59,385 --> 00:17:00,619
and I'm not kidding.
541
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:02,221
Rob did punch me in the restaurant
542
00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:03,689
but it was an accident.
543
00:17:03,722 --> 00:17:04,556
Well, I don't believe you.
544
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:07,693
Two accidents in one day is no accident.
545
00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:08,494
Now, you're a doctor.
546
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:10,462
Get over there and do something.
547
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:12,197
I think Rob is sick.
548
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:14,600
Honey, I'm a dentist, not a psychiatrist.
549
00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:16,168
Well, never mind,
550
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:18,470
just get over there before he hurts Laura again.
551
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,471
All right.
552
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:21,874
Boy, you women, you sure like to over-dramatize.
553
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:24,610
Oh-oh, my nose, my nose.
554
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:25,811
What happened?
555
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:27,579
Only kidding.
556
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,281
Get out!
557
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:34,686
Oh, boy, I should have married Sam Weinstreiber.
558
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:38,524
Who's Sam Weinstreiber?
559
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,793
Out! Only kidding.
560
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:48,534
There we are.
561
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,402
Honey, how's that feel?
562
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:51,770
It feels fine.
563
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,739
Rob, I don't need a bandage this big,
564
00:17:53,772 --> 00:17:55,174
it was only a scratch.
565
00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:56,708
Yeah, it is kind of big.
566
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,644
Well, keep it on, honey, 'til I make you a smaller one.
567
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:01,280
While you're at it,
568
00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:03,682
trim that fingernail of yours. It's a lethal weapon.
569
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:06,151
Yeah, I will, honey. I'm sorry.
570
00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:08,353
Hey, am I forgiven?
571
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:09,555
Oh, sure.
572
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:10,889
( DOORBELL RINGS )
573
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,191
I'll trim it right now. I'll get it, honey.
574
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,629
Ow, ow, ow.
575
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,398
Darn, darn, darn it.
576
00:18:25,370 --> 00:18:26,338
What do you want?
577
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,673
Nothing, i--
578
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:28,807
what are you doing with those scissors?
579
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,476
What am I doing with those scissors?
580
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,177
I was planning on cutting my throat with them,
581
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:33,378
that's what.
582
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:35,747
Ow!
583
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:39,618
Agh, agh!
584
00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:46,959
Rob, just take it easy.
585
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:48,260
Take it easy.
586
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:49,528
Laura, call the hospital.
587
00:18:49,561 --> 00:18:51,597
Get off my chest.
588
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:52,397
What have you done?
589
00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:53,632
I'm doing what anybody would do.
590
00:18:53,665 --> 00:18:54,700
You'll be all right, boy.
591
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:55,968
Rob, are you all right?
592
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:58,871
There's a pressing pain on my chest.
593
00:19:00,272 --> 00:19:02,241
What's the pain feel like, boy?
594
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:05,677
Feels like a 180-pound dentist sitting on it.
595
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:06,378
That's all right. It's all right.
596
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:07,846
Jerry, will you please get off?
597
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:08,814
You'll be all right, you'll be all right.
598
00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:10,749
Take it easy. Settle down. Calm down, boy.
599
00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:12,451
You're just out of control tonight.
600
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:13,952
Jerry, please, look, listen to the tone of my voice.
601
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:14,686
Yes, I can hear it.
602
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,954
I'm fine. I can hear you.
603
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:16,955
I'm all right. Uh-huh.
604
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,391
The only problem I have right now is respiratory.
605
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:22,861
Now, will you please get off my lungs?
606
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,463
Your lungs?
607
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,231
Laura, will you tell him, I am all right?
608
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:27,833
Jerry, he's perfectly all right.
609
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:29,535
Well, what about your nose?
610
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:31,770
I was merely demonstrating to her
611
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:33,605
how I clipped you accidentally in the restaurant
612
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:36,241
and I clipped her the same way.
613
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:37,776
Well, I don't know.
614
00:19:37,809 --> 00:19:40,345
Outside the door I heard all this noise and cussing
615
00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:41,680
and I saw the scissors in your hand
616
00:19:41,713 --> 00:19:42,814
and then your nose, I don't--
617
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,650
LAURA: He tripped over a toy.
618
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:45,617
Tripped over a toy?
619
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:47,452
Oh my goodness, what happened?
620
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:49,421
Nothing. Everything's fine.
621
00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:50,923
On your advice, I slugged my best friend
622
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:52,457
and practically demolished him.
623
00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:53,825
Don't shout at me, Jerry Helper.
624
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,194
I didn't tell you to demolish him.
625
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:58,897
I simply told you to-- You simply said for me to get over here...
626
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,732
He flipped and I didn't know about her nose
627
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:01,767
( WHISTLES )
628
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,036
What?
629
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:05,337
Since last night,
630
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,638
let's just look at what's happened.
631
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:09,841
Ooh.
632
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,010
You and your wife are screaming at one another.
633
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,379
You and I are barely speaking.
634
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:16,648
I have slugged my wife and my next door neighbor
635
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,317
in their respective noses.
636
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:20,619
I have received a very painful blow on the wrist,
637
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:23,789
a possible fracture of this rib and my neck.
638
00:20:23,822 --> 00:20:26,525
Now, who do we have to blame for all of these disasters?
639
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:26,992
ALL: Him.
640
00:20:27,025 --> 00:20:27,793
Me?
641
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:28,460
Yes, you.
642
00:20:28,493 --> 00:20:29,227
Why?
643
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:30,929
'Cause, Jerry, you just took--
644
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:32,664
because of your criticism of my show, that's why.
645
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:33,832
How do you like that?
646
00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:35,767
He's blaming all this on me just because I kidded him
647
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,636
about his television show being rotten.
648
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,404
LAURA: Jerry, that television show
649
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:41,640
happens to be Rob's livelihood.
650
00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:42,874
That's right. Nobody likes to be kidded
651
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,376
about their work being rotten, Jerry.
652
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,011
It isn't funny.
653
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:47,145
How would you like it if I went around saying
654
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:50,782
"Jerry Helper's gold fillings turned green in my mouth.
655
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:51,917
He's a rotten dentist."
656
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:53,085
Hey, be quiet, will you, the door's open.
657
00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,786
I got three patients on this block.
658
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:55,921
I'm sorry.
659
00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:57,856
Yeah, gee.
660
00:20:57,889 --> 00:20:58,657
ROB: Hey, everybody,
661
00:20:58,690 --> 00:20:59,925
Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist.
662
00:20:59,958 --> 00:21:01,560
Cut it out.
663
00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:04,396
Is that funny?
664
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:05,364
No, it's not.
665
00:21:05,397 --> 00:21:07,866
All right, then, Jerry, you see what I mean.
666
00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:10,669
Jerry, I'm gonna have to tell you this,
667
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:12,671
you have been kidding me now for a lot of years
668
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:13,839
and you've been getting away with it
669
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:17,109
but I think you have about reached the point of no return.
670
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:18,443
You're really mad at me, huh?
671
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:19,511
Well, just put it this way, Jerry.
672
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:20,879
I don't care if our kids play together,
673
00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:22,681
I don't care if our wives play together,
674
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:24,383
but I don't think you and I are gonna play together
675
00:21:24,416 --> 00:21:27,586
unless you make an honest effort to stop the kidding.
676
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,889
I've said it.
677
00:21:30,922 --> 00:21:33,425
I'm embarrassed about it but I said it.
678
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:38,030
Gee, I feel awful.
679
00:21:38,063 --> 00:21:40,699
Well, you should.
680
00:21:40,732 --> 00:21:43,368
I don't know what to say.
681
00:21:43,402 --> 00:21:45,404
I guess you're all pretty sore at me, huh?
682
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:47,439
MILLIE AND LAURA: Yes.
683
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:50,776
Gee, I don't know what to say.
684
00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:53,412
Well, why don't you try telling the truth?
685
00:21:53,445 --> 00:21:54,546
Well.
686
00:21:54,579 --> 00:21:55,580
Come on, tell 'em
687
00:21:55,614 --> 00:21:57,849
what you really thought of last night's show.
688
00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:00,752
Well...
689
00:22:00,786 --> 00:22:03,021
Go on.
690
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:05,457
Excellent.
691
00:22:05,490 --> 00:22:06,758
Now, that didn't hurt, did it?
692
00:22:06,792 --> 00:22:08,026
A little bit.
693
00:22:10,195 --> 00:22:11,697
Do you think you learned a lesson?
694
00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:13,865
Yeah, I think so.
695
00:22:13,899 --> 00:22:15,067
How about some coffee?
696
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:17,169
Yeah, I think we all need some, honey.
697
00:22:17,202 --> 00:22:18,770
I'll help. Good.
698
00:22:26,611 --> 00:22:28,947
Hey, Rob.
699
00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:30,449
I want you to do me a favor.
700
00:22:30,482 --> 00:22:32,751
Uh, what?
701
00:22:32,784 --> 00:22:34,186
Give me a hit right on the arm.
702
00:22:34,219 --> 00:22:36,421
Give you a hit in--what for?
703
00:22:36,455 --> 00:22:38,190
You'll feel better and I'll feel better.
704
00:22:38,223 --> 00:22:40,058
Oh, that's silly, Jerry, that's childish.
705
00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:41,059
I'm not mad anymore.
706
00:22:41,093 --> 00:22:41,927
Oh, yeah, yes, you are.
707
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:42,994
You hit me by accident this afternoon
708
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,197
but you really wanted to hit me now, didn't you?
709
00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:46,198
I'll admit,
710
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:47,065
I wanted to give you a little punch today but i--
711
00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:49,201
yeah, see, see? The unconscious gesture?
712
00:22:49,234 --> 00:22:50,769
You really want to hit me. Go on, hit me.
713
00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:51,703
Jerry, I don't want to.
714
00:22:51,737 --> 00:22:52,704
Sure you do.
715
00:22:52,738 --> 00:22:54,940
Go on, look, we'll never really be friends again
716
00:22:54,973 --> 00:22:56,641
unless you get it out of your system.
717
00:22:56,675 --> 00:22:57,476
Come on.
718
00:22:57,509 --> 00:22:58,343
I'm not mad anymore, Jer.
719
00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,311
Please, Rob, will you? Please, do it.
720
00:22:59,344 --> 00:23:01,580
If not for your sake, then for mine, huh?
721
00:23:01,613 --> 00:23:02,714
I can't do it.
722
00:23:02,748 --> 00:23:03,548
The show was rotten.
723
00:23:03,582 --> 00:23:05,751
Agh!
724
00:23:05,784 --> 00:23:06,952
Do you feel better? Yeah.
725
00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:07,652
So do I.
726
00:23:07,686 --> 00:23:08,787
( INDISTINCT )
727
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:09,988
Okay.
728
00:23:14,526 --> 00:23:15,827
Honey, would you bring the dessert in
729
00:23:15,861 --> 00:23:16,628
from the kitchen?
730
00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:17,763
Okay, honey.
731
00:23:20,832 --> 00:23:21,666
JERRY: Hey, Rob.
732
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:23,468
Your shoelace is untied, you might trip.
733
00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:26,104
Oh, Jerry, doggone it.
734
00:23:26,138 --> 00:23:28,006
Ha, ha. caught you again. Just kidding.
735
00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:29,875
Jerry, won't you ever learn?
736
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:30,509
Oh.
737
00:23:30,542 --> 00:23:31,777
I don't know if I were Rob,
738
00:23:31,810 --> 00:23:33,645
if I'd be so quick to forgive you.
739
00:23:33,678 --> 00:23:35,647
I've been telling him about his kidding
740
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:36,848
and teasing for years,
741
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:38,717
and he just can't control himself.
742
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:39,518
Oh, now, come on, honey.
743
00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:40,218
I'm not that bad.
744
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:41,219
Yes, you are.
745
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:42,187
Oh, honey, listen.
746
00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:44,055
I know I went a little overboard with Rob
747
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,724
but some teasing is fun.
748
00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:46,858
Don't you think so, Laura?
749
00:23:46,892 --> 00:23:49,194
Well, Jerry, I don't like being teased.
750
00:23:50,629 --> 00:23:51,997
Ah, here comes the dessert.
751
00:23:52,030 --> 00:23:53,265
Hey, Rob, now look out for that truck.
752
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:54,199
You might trip.
753
00:23:54,232 --> 00:23:54,933
Don't kid me again, Jerry.
754
00:23:54,966 --> 00:23:55,934
JERRY: No, I'm not kidding you.
755
00:23:55,967 --> 00:23:57,903
There's a truck right-- watch the truck, whoo!
756
00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:00,972
( LAUGHTER )
757
00:24:13,885 --> 00:24:16,021
Didn't you see that truck there on the floor?
758
00:24:16,054 --> 00:24:18,256
No, I--oh.
759
00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:20,926
Yeah, you knew that truck was there.
760
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:23,962
Well, Jerry, you'll never know, will you?
51660
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