All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e16

♪♪

Morning, Ritch.

Morning, Daddy.

Where's Mom?

She's out getting the mail. Oh.

How do you always know, Daddy?

A little bird told me. Now you drink it.

Okay.

Good morning, dear. Good morning, honey.

Sleep well? Mm-hm.

Any mail for me?

Yes, a letter from your cousin Joe

and one from your agent.

Joe!

I haven't heard from him in years.

What's with him, I wonder.

Well, he met a girl.

He's thinking maybe of marrying her.

Her name is Rita and she's 7 years younger than he is.

He thinks maybe he's too old for her.

But she's very mature so he thinks maybe he isn't.

What do you think?

Anything else?

Hmm.

If he marries her,

He'll be out here on his honeymoon.

Anything else?

No, I think that's all.

I wonder what my agent wants.

Just that your contract with him expires in a couple of weeks.

He wants you to come in and sign a new one.

Must be kind of disappointed.

I only got two letters this morning.

No, there were a couple of others.

Well, I don't like to be nosy, honey, but where are they?

I threw them away.

You threw 'em away?

Well, they were only ads, dear, nothing interesting.

Ha, ha, hardly worth steaming open, huh?

Ha, ha. Didn't want to put me to the trouble?

Mm-hm.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, honey.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, no, I should thank you, really,

for saving me that and the other thing too.

What other thing?

My eyesight.

Honey, are you upset because I opened your mail?

Well, honey, I'm not upset because you opened my mail.

I'm upset because you read it before I did.

Oh, Rob, that's silly.

Silly?

I feel silly I wasted all those years learning how to read.

I never get a chance anymore.

Well, it's certainly not that terrible.

You don't have to make a federal case out of it.

I'm not making a federal case out of it, honey, you are.

Tampering with United States mail.

Well, why don't you turn me over to the FBI?

Daddy, are you and Mommy fighting?

Are we?

I guess so. yeah.

Yeah, we're fighting, Ritch.

Fatty's mommy and daddy fight a lot better

than you and Mommy.

Ritch, if you're finished with your breakfast,

you'd better go get ready for school.

Are you gonna fight anymore?

No, you go get ready for school.

Okay.

Well, Rob, you make it sound as though I wake up

the first thing in the morning and think,

"Oh, goody, today I get to open his mail again."

Honey, the point I'm trying to make

is if a letter is addressed to me, I should get it.

But I gave it to you.

Opened.

Well, Rob, you always let me read your mail.

Of course, that's right, I let you.

It's a privilege, not a right.

I simply like the pleasure of opening my own mail.

But I told you everything that was in it.

Oh, everything?

Well, everything important. I condensed it.

That's just it, honey.

I don't like condensed mail for breakfast.

You left all the flavor out of it.

Rob, it was a letter, not a stew.

Well, you know what I mean, honey.

You didn't say it in the style it was written.

It's like instead of being able to read Romeo and Juliet,

somebody condenses it for you, like this,

"A couple of mixed-up teenagers runaway from home and end up dead."

All right, dear, you've made your point.

Oh, honey.

All I'm trying to say is that I would like the fun

of opening my own mail and knowing what's in it first.

I enjoy it and I look forward to it.

Is that asking you too much

just to restrain your curiosity for just a few minutes?

No, I guess not.

I'm sorry, darling. I won't do it again, all right?

Okay.

Fight over?

It is as far as I'm concerned.

Hey, let's do what fighters do when a fight's over.

What do they do?

That.

Fighters don't do that.

I know, I lied.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show."

♪♪

That's much better.

You must have been practicing.

What did you expect? Robin hood?

Hey, what's missing on this week's show?

A new set of comedy writers.

We haven't come up with anything.

Hey, buddy, can't you think of anything philosophical?

Rob always likes to end the show with something philosophical.

Philosophical.

How about, "It's better," get this...

"It's better to ride one block in a rolls royce

than to walk five miles."

No good.

What do you mean, "no good"?

Everything with me lately is no good.

What's the matter with it?

We did it last week.

Was it good?

Yeah. Hah, you see.

Hey, I got an idea for a line.

What?

My aunt Agnes used to have a saying that went,

"If your heart is where the sky is bluest,

then the sound of winter's twilight will be your friend."

Your aunt said that?

Yeah.

And every time I think of it, I want to cry.

Why?

Because I think my aunt Agnes is a nut.

What are we worried about one line for?

We've got a whole comedy sketch to write.

Yeah.

Hey, what can we steal from some other show?

Lots of things only, honest Rob won't let us.

Yeah.

Hey, if he's such a big man with integrity,

how come he's not on time to help us write the sketch?

Hi, folks, sorry I'm late.

Hi, Rob.

Had a little family problem.

Oh? Ritchie?

No, this was between Laura and me.

Serious?

No, nothing serious.

Laura opened my mail this morning

and I cuffed her around a little bit.

Oh, smart fellow.

No, it's just that Laura is always opening my mail

and reading it before me.

So I got a little sarcastic about it today.

Oh, what did you tell her?

I said if I'd known this was gonna happen,

I wouldn't have gone to the trouble to learn how to read.

Hey, hey, that's funny.

Well, I don't think it's funny.

I don't mean the line. The situation.

Look, we do a sketch about a husband and wife, see,

and she's always tampering with the guy's mail.

And then, oh, maybe we open it

where Alan is standing there and a guy says,

"Uh, Mr. Brady, can I sell you a letter opener?"

And he says, "No thanks, I'm married to one."

Funny?

And then the fight starts.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, Rob, tell us about the fight with Laura.

Maybe we can use some of the lines.

Well, that's about all there was to it.

It wasn't much of a fight.

We just agreed that she wouldn't open my mail anymore.

That's the trouble with real life:

no punch lines.

Hey, why don't you go home

and have another fight with Laura.

Sally will go along and write

the whole thing down in shorthand.

I am not gonna have a fight with my wife

to give you guys funny lines.

Hey, I know where we can go with it.

We can do a comedy sketch about feminine curiosity.

That's good, that's good.

Alan could say something like,

"Curiosity may have killed the cat,

but it keeps you women alive."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then Laura says, "Oh, yeah?

Well, we women are no more curious than you men."

Now Alan challenges her, see?

And he says, "All right."

Laura says, "Watch me,

and I'll never open anything of yours again."

Yeah, and later, a letter comes, see?

And she's tempted to open it.

Doo-doodle-doodle- doo-doo-doo.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no. no, no, no, no.

Why? Not a letter.

A mysterious package addressed to her husband.

Of course! A package.

Hey, I got it. Don't anybody move.

What, what?

Ah, you moved. I forgot it.

What did you say, Rob?

A package arrives.

A package. Package. I got one, I got one.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Okay. That's it. Right?

Laura puts it aside.

She tries to ignore it.

She tries to go about her housework

but she always ends up hanging around the package.

Oh, boy, that could be funny.

Hah? Good?

All right, all right. The package arrives.

Do the bit. Do the bit.

A package for Mr. Alan Brady.

And she says, "Oh, a package for my husband.

Gee whiz.

I'll just put it right here.

I'll put it-- got to open." Good.

"No, I can't open it.

I'll just put it down here and leave it 'til he gets home.

I'm gonna open it.

No, I can't."

And she puts it down and tries to leave it alone.

She goes about her business, dusting the furniture...

And it keeps drawing her back like a magnet.

And finally, she turns and falls on it.

Wait, wait.

She's drawn to the package, see?

But she keeps fighting it

'cause she don't want to give her husband the satisfaction.

Yeah.

So she tells her kid to hide it

and not to tell her where he's hidden it,

no matter what she says.

That's it.

And the minute the kid hides it, she's on him like a tiger.

"All right, you dirty little rat, where'd you put it?"

But mommy, mommy, you told me not to tell you.

Don't do what I told you, do what I tell you.

Beautiful.

And then the mother says,

"Well, kid, we got ways of making you talk, see?"

And the minute the kid tells her where it is,

she still wrestles with her conscience

about opening the thing.

But wait, wait, it's like the "lost weekend" guy.

You know the chandelier bit.

And she finally winds up joining packages anonymous.

( LAUGHTER )

Wait.

What if she can't stand it any longer, right?

So she attacks the package.

And she keeps clawing at it until she opens it.

Hey, hold it. what?

Wait a minute. We got to put something silly

in the package that her husband

put there to trap her.

Right.

Hey, hey, how about a bag of sour cream?

We use too much sour cream in the show already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's right.

How about a 15-pound box of hair?

Well, hair, hey, yeah, hair is good.

But make it 32 pounds.

What's the matter with 15?

Thirty two's a funnier number.

Since when?

Thirty two's always been a funnier number.

I hear 32, I get hysterical!

Watch. Try me.

Thirty two.

( LAUGHING )

Well, I got to admit, he's right.

Hey, I got it. What?

Cut the hair.

BOTH: Cut the hair.

It's a boat. A boat with hair?

Yeah-- no.

It's one of those inflatable boats

you get at the war surplus store.

I ordered one to go fishing in.

Ohhh! See?

Oh, you mean the kind where you pull the plug

and they inflate in about 5 seconds?

Yeah.

Yeah, and then in order to resist temptation,

she hides it in the closet.

Why the closet?

Well, so later when she opens it,

she's there stuck in a tiny closet with a boat

that keeps getting bigger and bigger.

( LAUGHTER AND CHEERING )

That's a riot. Let's put it on paper.

No, no, we'll put it on paper.

You go home and have another fight with Laura.

We might need a sketch for next week.

That was beautiful.

That's a good dance team.

What's the sketch about this week, Laura?

I don't know.

Rob never lets me look at the script.

He thinks I can give him a better opinion of it

if I see it like one of the regular audience.

But I know it's gonna be great.

What makes you say that?

Well, Rob said I gave him the idea for the sketch.

Oh, what was the idea you gave him?

Well, I didn't exactly give it to him.

Actually, he said I inspired it.

Oh, I inspired Jerry once.

He wrote a poem and dedicated it to me,

didn't you, honey?

Well....

Really? Really.

Say it for Laura.

Not now, honey, I'm watching television.

I forgot it anyway.

Oh, well, I remember it, I think.

It goes, "How do I love you?

Let me count the ways."

That's Elizabeth Browning, isn't it?

Well, it's a little like Browning.

I was influenced by her work.

Influenced by her? You stole it.

That's Elizabeth Barrett browning.

No, no, no, honey, no, no, look.

Elizabeth wrote, "How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways."

Now my poem goes, "How do I love--" "You!"

"Let me count the ways."

See the difference?

There's a big difference.

Did you hear the difference?

Now look, is this a poetry hour

or are we gonna watch Rob's show?

Now, come on.

Oh, this looks like the sketch coming up that Laura inspired.

Now let's settle down.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Did you really inspire it?

Well, you know the old saying, "Behind every great man--"

Shhh.

Father: ( ON TELEVISION ) good morning, son. Where's mommy?

SON: She went to get the mail, Daddy.

FATHER: Oh.

MOMMY: Good morning, dear.

FATHER: Morning. Any mail for me, Laura?

Hey, Mom. She's got your name.

I know.

Yeah, that's 'cause your mom inspired the sketch.

MOMMY: A letter from your aunt Sara.

FATHER: Oh, really? I wonder what she has to say?

MOMMY: Well, she's fine but her sciatica is bothering her

and she hopes you and yours are fine, too.

FATHER: Well, you opened my mail again, eh, miss snoopy nose?

You know, I'm sorry I bothered learning how to read.

Well, I'm glad I found this out about you.

It saved me some money.

This morning a guy came in

and tried to sell me a letter opener.

I told him, no thanks, I was already married to one.

MOMMY: Stop screaming, I can't stand screaming.

( LAUGHING ) You inspired this?

FATHER: Why can't you keep your meddling fingers out of my mail?

MOMMY: Oh, come on, you don't have to make a federal case out of it.

FATHER: I'm not making a federal case out of it.

You did, tampering with the united states mail.

MOMMY: well, J. Edgar, why don't you turn me in?

Hey, Mommy, just like what happened with you and Daddy.

Believe me, Millie, it wasn't quite like this.

Oh-ho, well, I believe you

but how are you gonna convince 40 million other people?

MOTHER: You let me read your mail.

FATHER: That's right, I let you, Miss House Detective.

It's a privilege, not a right.

MOTHER: Well, I told you what was in the letter.

FATHER: I hate condensed mail for breakfast.

Why aren't you laughing, Mommy?

I am laughing, dear.

( LAUGHING ) Hey, look what she's doing now.

What's in the package, Laura?

I don't know, Jerry.

No package like that ever came here--

Hey, look, look, look.

She's biting the cord with her teeth.

Why don't you use the scissors, Laura?

Yeah, you could have used the knife.

Millie, I told you, that's not me.

Hey, look.

Look, it's a boat and it's inflating right in the closet.

It's inflating.

( LAUGHING ) Laura, you're a scream!

I never had one of those boats.

I told you both a dozen times,

that ridiculous girl on television is not me.

She's a figment of my husband's imagination.

( LAUGHING ) Hey, look.

Ho, ho, that's funny. Wonderful.

Ritchie, go brush your teeth.

Okay.

Goodnight, Ritchie. Goodnight.

Listen, you know, that was really funny.

That was hilarious and you know why?

Because it was true to life.

Jerry-- ( PHONE RINGING )

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Martha.

Martha, just because they used the name Laura in the sketch

doesn't mean that--

No, martha, I don't think it was true to life.

Would I twist my son's arm

to make him tell me where he hid something?

Well, I suppose I did open his letters once but I never--

Martha, will you please stop laughing

and listen to what I'm--

well, Martha, if you'd rather laugh than hear the tru--

Martha, laughing never solved anything.

Martha.

Goodbye, Martha.

You wouldn't think, would you,

that a woman as intelligent as Martha

could think that that idiot on television was me?

Well, it was you, wasn't it?

You said you inspired it.

Jerry, I may have opened a letter

but I never opened a boat.

You and the boat in the closet.

Jerry, I wasn't in any closet with a boat.

That's too funny.

I got to get him home.

He's gonna get the hiccups any minute.

( LAUGHING ) Hey, listen. Listen,

be sure you tell rob that was the funniest show

I ever saw.

Boy, will I tell him.

No, Harry, I do not think it was true to life.

Harry, if you're gonna just stand there and laugh,

then there's no use talking to you.

Honey, did you see it?

How did you like it?

Did you hear the screams?

You know what Alan said?

He said that was the funniest sketch

we've done all season and--

honey, are you feeling well?

I'd rather not answer that.

Why?

Because I'm liable to appear on next week's show

as an idiot wife who's always complaining.

What are you--

Oh, honey, you think people will think I meant you?

Oh, no.

No, no, how-- well, how could they?

After all, everybody knows that any resemblance between

me and a girl on a television show written by my husband

who has a son Ritchie's age and whose name is Laura is purely coincidental.

( CHUCKLES )

The last time I used your name on a sketch you were flattered.

The last time, she was a nice, normal, beautiful girl

instead of a wild-eyed maniac.

Oh, now, come on, she wasn't wild-eyed.

Look, honey, anyway, it wasn't intentional.

When I told Buddy and Sally that morning about you opening my mail,

the name Laura just kind of became part of the sketch.

Anyway nobody in his right mind would think it was you.

Rob, everybody thought it was me.

I haven't had so many phone calls

since I was secretary of the PTA.

Now, honey, you are exaggerating.

Rob, I had phone calls from girls I went to high school with.

They called up long distance just to tell me

they never realized what a wildly funny, eccentric person I am.

Honey, now-- don't honey me.

Well, honey, what did I do?

What did you do?

I open a couple of your letters

and you advertise it to 20 million people.

40 million.

40 million people,

that I'm a pathological snoopy nose.

Wait, it was just a sketch.

Just a sketch?

You came over a perfectly normal husband in that sketch

and I was a wild-eyed maniac.

I'm going to sleep.

Honey, the door's jammed.

It's not jammed. it's locked.

Oh, boy.

Well, the phone rang all evening long.

I never knew we had so many friends.

Ha, ha, friends.

Every call was another nail in my coffin.

Had to sleep in the den all night.

That bad, huh?

Worse.

Well, sounds like it's gift time.

Let's see, what are Laura's weaknesses?

Furs, jewelry, candy, cash?

No, sal.

Laura can't be bought off with a gift.

She was really sore, sally.

BUDDY: Ta da! She--

Hey, fellow geniuses, did you read the review?

Boy, do critics love the sketch.

They're raving.

They said we were brilliant, brilliant.

And we deserve it.

I think we ought to call the boss right now

and get a big fat raise and we--

What's the matter? We fired?

You got to admit, he's got a flexible mind.

Well, I'm glad somebody liked the sketch.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, Laura's been getting needled about being the wife in the sketch last night

and she's giving rob a bad time.

Oh.

Hey, that's it.

That's what?

That's the sketch for next week.

Alan brady plays a television writer, see?

And he writes a whole sketch about his wife.

Now she hears about it and it goes on the air

and the neighbors hear it and they get--

and they call her on the phone and she's sore because--

Uh--uh.

Or--

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Oh, hi.

Are we allowed in?

Sure. come on in.

Thanks.

Millie and I were talking and, well,

we both realized we went a little overboard last night.

Yeah, we weren't too polite and neighborly.

Oh, that's all right.

Well, we don't believe you behave like that wild-eyed

maniac on television.

Yeah. Well, thank you.

We'd like to apologize for upsetting you last night.

Oh, Jerry, I'm not upset.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Yeah, fine. Okay.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Oh, excuse me.

Package. Oh, for whom?

Mr. Robert Petrie.

Where will I put it?

Oh, can I help you? Yeah, thank you.

Oh, on the table, I guess. Okay.

Or no, better put it on the floor.

All right.

Laura, what are you expecting?

Well, it's not for me, it's for Rob.

Here you are, ma'am.

What's so funny about a package being delivered here?

Packages do come to houses, you know.

There's nothing funny about that.

It's Rob's package and it doesn't concern me.

I'll find what's in it when he opens it.

Would you care for a cup of coffee?

Ahem.

"Mr. Robert Petrie."

( WHISTLING )

ROB: Honey, I'm home.

Laura--

Who is it?

Honey?

Honey, are you in there?

Honey?

Did a package come for me?

Rob, if I thought that you sent this boat here to trap me--

Oh, honey.

I ordered this long before we did the sketch.

This is what gave me the idea.

Honest.

Rob, I tried not to open it.

I really did but i--

I guess I'm just a pathological snoopy nose.

Oh, honey.

Everybody's a snoopy nose.

We all like to know what's inside things.

I guess so.

Oh, I know so.

You know something?

I'm very, very curious about something right now.

What?

Well, I'm wondering how long we're gonna keep on with this

polite talking before we get down to serious kissing.

About 3 seconds.

Three?

One, two-- I forgive you.

Rob? Hmm?

Tell me something.

What?

How do you deflate this?

Oh.

Oh, all you have to do is just loosen this valve

and it deflates itself.

Uh, honey, I'm gonna have to get the pliers.

( DOORBELL RINGS ) Come in.

Laura, we just came over to ap--