All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e14

♪♪

Hi, honey. Hi.

What kind of a hello kiss is that?

That is not a hello kiss.

That is a "what-do you-think-happened to-me-today

and-when-you-hear-it, you're-gonna-go-whee" kiss.

What happened?

Oh, nothing much. Well, what?

What prominent comedy television writer--

whose wife is currently holding a dripping spoon--

was offered a job today at twice the money he is now making?

Whee!

With a staff of five writers.

Whee! With my own private secretary.

( CLEARS THROAT)

and the most exciting part of all? I turned it down.

You what? Why?

Because, honey, if I took that job,

in about three months, this gorgeous hunk of man

that you call your loving husband would be reduced...

( WEAK VOICE ) to a doddering, nervous old man.

They offered you the Dan Howard show? Right.

Oh, thank goodness you turned it down.

I'm proud of you, darling.

I'm proud of me, too. It's not every day

a guy gets offered that kind of money and position.

I'm proud because you turned it down.

Are you sure, honey? You'd better think that over.

That's a lot of money.

You sure you want me poor and happy like this?

( WEAK VOICE ) or do you want me rich and old like that?

I want you just the way you are.

I'd think it over, honey. Give it some thought.

( WEAK VOICE ) That's an awful lot of money, honey.

Rob, stop that.

Let me put it this way--

I have a happy, semi-well-adjusted husband

who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss,

and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.

Yeah? Yeah. So how about a smile?

And a kiss?

That's what I want.

Hey, I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser.

( GROWLS )

No, honey, I couldn't work for a guy like Dan Howard.

Although, you know, they asked me to recommend somebody.

Did you? No, who could I recommend?

I don't hate anybody that much.

A writer would have to be out of his mind

to go work for Dan Howard.

Although there is one possibility.

What? If we could only find a writer...

( WEAK VOICE ) who is already a nervous, doddering old man.

Rob, stop that. Give us a little kiss, honey.

Stop it! Don't do that!

All right, I won't do it.

Oh, stop!

Well, that's where Laura and I differ.

You see, I wouldn't mind being married

to a rich, doddering old man.

I wouldn't mind being married

to a poor, doddering old man.

But I've got to agree with her about Dan Howard.

Anybody who'd take a job with him has got to be out of his mind.

Hi! Well, congratulate me! What for?

You're looking at the new head writer

of The Dan Howard Show.

What?! Ta-da!

You're kidding!

Would I be kidding about a thing like that?

I just came from his office,

and everything is all set.

All set? S-e-t, set.

Well...Buddy, it's wonderful, I think.

What kind of reaction is that to good news?

Wonderful, you'd think.

Well, Buddy, it's just that--

What? Just what? Well--

Well, well, well. I hope what you're trying to say

is that you'll miss me around here

and you hate to see me go and everything.

Actually, that was the toughest thing

about me accepting the new job.

You really accepted it?

Would I kid about something like that?

Well...

Of course, we're gonna miss you, Buddy.

I mean, if you go.

What do you mean, if I go?

Why shouldn't I take the job?

Well, you know about Dan Howard--

Dan Howard, Dan Howard. You're talking to Buddy Sorrell.

I've been around a long time. I can handle Dan.

Are you sure you want to handle him?

What's that supposed to mean?

You might be making a mistake.

Is it a mistake to want more money?

Be truthful, Rob. If you were offered

the head writing job on the Dan Howard show

at twice the money, would you turn it down?

Buddy, I was, and I did.

See? You--

you did?

Honest, Buddy. Rob turned down the same job.

Oh.

Why'd you turn it down?

Because I don't want to work for Dan Howard.

Well, I do. And if you're my friend,

you're gonna help me out right now.

I got a problem. You know I'm your friend.

You gotta help me break my contract here

so I can accept the other job.

You really feel that strongly about it?

I sure do. I've given it a lot of thought.

This is what I want.

Well...

If this is what you want, Buddy.

We're sure gonna miss you around here,

you big nut.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss you guys, too.

Buddy, I sure hate to lose you.

Are you sure you don't want to think it over?

No, I told you, I thought it over.

Okay.

Marge, would you ask Mel to step in here a minute?

Gee, thanks, Rob. Tell you one thing--

you're gonna make two people very happy.

Two people? Yeah.

Me and that big, hairy ape.

You wanted to see me, Rob?

Yeah, there's something we need your help on.

It concerns Buddy here.

The only thing I'll help him with is his resignation.

Good, good, that's exactly what we want to talk to you about.

Now, just come on, sit down here.

Make yourself nice and comfy. Right down here, sir.

What's this all about?

Mel, Buddy would like his release.

He wants to leave?

Mel?

Mel? Mel?

Look, it's as simple as that.

I want to leave the show, understand?

Look, I'm going. Watch me.

Bye. I'm going.

Mel, Buddy has an offer of a better job

and a chance to be a head writer.

To be rid of him, to be able to walk into this office

without the fear of being verbally assaulted?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Then it's all right?

No.

No? No?

No. But you just said--

Never mind what I just said. The answer is no.

And for him, I'll spell it-- N-O.

Mel, why?

For one very good reason.

Our star, Alan Brady, happens to think

he's the best one-line joke writer in the business.

Look, Mel, I don't ask you for many things.

And I appreciate that, Rob.

But you must remember that this is a business.

A glamorous business, yes, but still a business.

As long as he does his job, he'll remain.

I don't want him, but our star, Alan Brady, does.

So he'll stay until Alan discovers, as I did,

that it's possible to hire talented writers

who are not insufferable boors.

Any other questions?

Yeah. Where can I buy a bald-headed voodoo doll?

Sally, Rob, believe me,

nothing would make me happier than to fire him.

How do you like that guy? The one big chance of my life,

and that idiot has to go ruin it.

Well, it's just like my mother always says--

the Sun isn't always shining

just because there are sparrows.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know, but ain't it pretty?

I'm sorry, Buddy. We did our best.

No, you didn't.

Buddy, you heard me ask Mel for your release.

And you heard Mel say that you were too good to lose.

Yeah, and I also heard Mel say that if I wasn't doing my job

and if he got an okay from Alan Brady, he could fire me.

So? So write a letter to Alan Brady.

Tell him I'm a no-talent bum.

But that's not so! So lie a little!

Buddy, I am not gonna lie for you.

You're supposed to be my friend! I am.

Then exaggerate! There must be something wrong with me.

No, Buddy, it is not right. And besides, Mel is not gonna fall for it.

I might.

Mel Cooley, you were listening at that door.

And I heard every word. Look, I'll level with you.

If Alan wants to let him go, then I'm off the hook.

Shall we get to the memo?

Good. I'll type, you dictate.

You know all those college words.

All right. But I think you're making a big mistake.

All set for you right there. Talk slow.

All right.

Memo to Mel Cooley with a carbon copy to Alan Brady.

Dear Mel...

There's a situation concerning the writing staff

which I believe merits your attention.

Wait a minute! You're too polite.

You gotta louse me up more.

Yes, what you need is some good, honest hatred. I'll dictate it.

During the past season,

Buddy Sorrell has not contributed one idea,

joke or fresh thought.

Beautiful. Sal, tell him about

how I sleep on the couch all day

and I'm always coming in late.

He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself,

and what was once a serviceable talent

has deteriorated into an office clown.

Wonderful. Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair,

you're gonna be my lawyer.

There is only course of action--

total and complete release from the show.

Yours very truly, Robert Petrie.

Boy, that ought to do it.

I certainly hope so. Yeah.

Well, Rob... Sign it.

Come on, Rob. Right here.

Buddy, I don't feel right about this.

I don't, either.

Come on, here's the pen. Nothing to it.

"Robert Petrie"-- that's all.

Ah, there it is.

My own little declaration of independence.

Thomas Jefferson, I thank you.

I feel more like Benedict Arnold.

Buddy, I cherish this moment.

Never in my entire life have I been happier

to say good-bye to anyone.

Good-bye forever.

Mel, in the many years of our association,

I know I've said a lot of unkind things about your bald head.

And I'm sorry...

I didn't mention the rest of your ugly puss.

One last yechh!

Rob, the more I think about it,

the more I'm convinced you shouldn't have sent that memo.

Honey, for the tenth time, it's what Buddy wanted.

Wanted or not, you shouldn't have signed it.

It got him his release. That's all he cared about.

There must've been some other way.

Laurie, will you please relax?

It's my day off, and I don't want to think about it.

Honey, what did you want me to write here?

A note to Ritchie's kindergarten teacher

telling her that you will talk to him about his behavior.

What'd he do? He ate his paste.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

I'll get it.

Hi, Buddy. Oh, hi, Rob.

Hi, Buddy. Hello, Laura.

What are you doing in our neck of the woods?

Just taking a little ride,

thought I'd drop by and say hello.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

No, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about you.

Oh. about my new job?

Yeah.

Well, you can forget it. I didn't get the job.

You didn't get the job?

No. I haven't told anybody about it, not even my wife.

Buddy, I thought it was all set.

Yeah, it was all set, except for one little thing.

A reference.

Well, I'll give you a reference.

You already gave me one.

What do you mean?

Dan Howard wanted to check on me,

get a reference, so he called his best friend.

Who's that? Alan Brady.

And Alan read him the memo.

Looks like I'm finished.

Oh, Buddy, it can't be that bad.

Are you kidding? Dan Howard's got it spread

all over town by now.

Mel Cooley right now

is probably the happiest bald-headed producer in television.

Rob, could you talk to Mel and explain it?

Honey, Mel was there. He helped write the memo.

It's not Rob's fault. It's my own fault, the whole thing.

Mel is sitting there, probably clapping his hands together.

I think this whole affair is just shameful.

It wasn't supposed to turn out this way.

It was supposed to be the opposite.

Buddy should be happy now.

Look, I didn't come up here to depress anybody.

I just want to know-- how do you spell "unemployment"?

Buddy, you want me to talk to Mel about getting your job back?

Hey, you think you could?

Yeah. I'll talk to him Monday and see what I can do.

Good. Hey, uh...

That's real nice of you, Rob.

Listen, I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me.

I happen to think we need you down at that office.

I'm glad Dan Howard didn't get you.

Whether you mean it or not, it sure sounds good.

You'll let me know if you hear anything?

Yeah, I'll call. Bye.

So long, Laura. Bye, Buddy.

Bye, Buddy.

He must really be upset.

I've never seen Buddy so depressed.

Well, getting fired is pretty depressing.

Honey, what did you want me to write down here?

A note to Ritchie's teacher.

About the paste.

Oh.

Honey, you'd better write it. If I sign it,

I'm liable to get him kicked out of kindergarten.

Well, here's another one, chief.

Boy, it sure was tough writing this week's script without Buddy.

Hmm.

You know something, Rob?

I sure miss that slob.

So do I.

Trouble is, Mel doesn't care how tough it is

or how much we miss Buddy,

as long as we turn out good scripts

like that one on time.

Hey. What?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking we came up

with that script too soon

and, uh, too good.

And too easy. Yeah.

All right, let's show him how tough it is to work without Buddy.

Come on, let's panic around here.

Spread a little panic around the office.

Make it look hard.

Oh, there we are. How about that?

Take off your tie. Open your collar.

( LAUGHTER )

Boy, I sure like this. This is fun.

Hi, Mel. Oh, hello, Mel.

What are you two, writers or litterbugs?

Well, we're hard at work.

What's that, next week's script?

Yes, Mel, we had a little trouble getting started with it.

But we're doing fine now, Mel.

We're up to page 4.

Page 4? Last Friday, you were on page 10.

I know, Mel, but we had to throw all of that stuff out.

There's only two of us working here.

Yeah, Mel. Two of us.

And it's a big show. It's a three-man job.

I see what you're doing.

You're asking for a third writer.

All right, I'll give you permission to hire one.

That shows you how much faith I have in your judgment.

Hire whomever you please. Good.

But not Buddy.

Well, that fell flat.

And who's gonna clean up this mess?

You, Sally. Who else?

Doggone it, if only Buddy

hadn't been so nasty.

He couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it.

Make a living at it.

Sally, that's it.

Suppose I hire somebody nastier than Buddy.

I thought Jack The Ripper was dead.

Who can be nastier to Mel than Buddy?

Mel's wife?

No, somebody who makes a living at it.

Who makes a living at insulting people?

Nightclub comedians do.

They're always bothered by hecklers.

They have to have a good supply of insults.

Don't you get it? We hire a nightclub comedian,

have him come in here and insult Mel.

But who could we get? I'll bet Jackie Brewster would do it.

Hey, he's a good friend of mine.

He'd be great. Is he in town?

Sure.

Yeah, but would he do it?

Sure, he'd do it. He's a good friend.

Besides, what have we got to lose?

Our jobs. Our jobs.

Jackie, we really appreciate you giving us a hand with this.

Forget it. Buddy helped me get in the business.

If I can help him get his job back, wonderful.

But there's only one thing, Rob--

suppose Mel recognizes him. He might've seen him in a nightclub.

Don't worry about that, Sal.

You know what happens when they introduce me in a nightclub?

A guy comes out and says, "here's Jackie Brewster!"

And the whole audience says, "Who's he?"

More people know me as "who's he" than "Jackie Brewster".

We have no problem there at all.

Mel has never been in a nightclub in his life.

Never been in a nightclub? I hate him already.

Well, I don't think we have any problem at all.

I don't think Mel's been anyplace.

How'd he get to be a big T.V. producer?

Easy. He married the star's sister.

Oh.

He's a brother-in-law.

Gee, Jackie, you're a doll for doing this.

Buddy's my buddy. He'd do the same thing for me.

Well, fellas, ready to get the show on the road?

Okay. let me make sure I have everything right.

You'll introduce me as the new writer.

Then I give him the zinger, right?

You just keep insulting him

until he yells, "Buddy."

Don't let up on him.

Keep killing him with insults. Go, go.

Put him out of his misery.

Kind of like a mercy killing.

( IMITATING JAMES CAGNEY ) Okay, you go get the guy

who fired the guy--mmm-- who was the first guy--mmm--

who knew me--mmm-- gotta get those teeth fixed.

When I was the guy. Okay, you go do that. Go get him.

( LAUGHTER )

Gee, I'm a little nervous about this.

There's usually a stage between me and the audience,

and I don't insult people till they insult me first.

Well, just remember, it's for a good cause.

He's not the violent type, is he?

I mean, I like Buddy, but I wouldn't want

to get hit in the head with a typewriter.

No, he's not the violent type.

He's more like, uh-- like that.

Well, who's he?

See? He knows me already.

Mel, this is our new writer.

And I screened a lot of good men before I hired him.

Jackie, this is Mel Cooley, our producer.

Mel, this is Jackie Brew-brew--

Brewbrew.

Brewbrew.

That's certainly an unusual name, Mr. Brewbrew.

Yes, it is. My father stuttered.

I don't believe I know your work.

What have you done? About what?

Like work.

Uh, Mr. Brewbrew hasn't done too much television writing, Mel.

That's right. For the last couple of years,

I've been translating the works of Shakespeare

into pig Latin.

Good sense of humor.

I like you. My hand. Really?

Is that your hand?

It looks more like five fat worms.

I beg your pardon? Why?

You can't help it if you have worm fingers.

Does it run in your family?

Now, look, Mr. Brewbrew--

No, no, no, no. Don't make a mistake.

You couldn't hear what you were saying. You had your tongue

in the way of your eye tooth and couldn't see it.

Ha ha ha ha! Now, don't make a mistake.

Just keep talking nice, with round tones.

Do you know who I am?

Don't you know who you are?

When you find out, don't tell anybody!

I have a question for you.

Come right over here.

Do you pluck your scalp?

Oh, this is wonderful! It's the first time

I ever saw a bongo with glasses.

Rob, is this a rib?!

No, no, no, this is an arm. This is a rib.

Do you feel the difference? This is an arm. This is a rib.

I want you to recite after me. Think, think, think.

This is an arm. This is a rib. This is an arm. This is a rib.

You got it? This is an arm. This is a rib.

Rob! No, no, no.

Not "Rob", "rib". You're not listening to me.

You're not paying attention!

You're gonna flunk, Melvin.

Matter of fact, you look like a flunky.

Rob, tell me what's going on!

Going on? Going on?

Sit down, I'll tell you. I'm from the FBI.

FBI.? FBI. That's you.

"fat, bald and ignorant"!

Did he sign a contract?

No, Mel, that's why he's here.

Get him out. Get him out!

Mel, I need a third writer.

Out, out, out! Get me anybody else!

Even Buddy? Wait a minute! Before you leave...

Remember, this is an arm. This is a rib.

( INDISTINCT SHOUTING )

Get me Buddy!

Hey, brother-in-law! You're great!

How did I do?

Oh, you were wonderful, Jackie.

It was the most beautiful piece of surgery

I ever saw in my life.

I don't know what to do for you. I'd like to kiss you.

If you really want to do something for me,

let her kiss me!

( LAUGHTER )

Buddy, we went to a lot of trouble for you.

Will you please behave yourself?

Please, Buddy?

No more bald-headed jokes, huh?

Why do you want to insult Mel like that anyway?

I don't like him. For one thing, he's too tall.

Rob's just as tall.

Yeah, but he's not nasty about it.

At least when Rob stands next to me, he slumps a little.

Good evening, Sally, Rob.

Well, here's Buddy's contract,

signed, sealed and delivered.

Hey, is that it? Is it all official now?

You mean-- just a minute, Mel, sir.

You mean I'm back on the job? They can't fire me or nothin'?

( LAUGHTER )

Goldilocks...

I'm very happy you're wearing that hat,

because there's a lot of woodpeckers in town.

And if I were you, I'd darken the eyebrows a little bit,

because your face is starting to look

like you neck is blowing bubble gum.

You know that this guy has to carry his dandruff around in his hands?

It's a wonder when you walk down the street,

people don't want to put their finger in your ear and start bowling.

( LAUGHING )

Hey, what's the matter with him?

I give him my best baldy jokes, and he keeps laughing.

Good night, Sally, Rob.

Your jokes about my sparseness of hair

no longer bother me.

Good night.

♪♪