All language subtitles for the.dick.van.dyke.show.s01e12

♪♪

Now all we need is a finish.

Let's see. Alan says his good nights to the audience,

leaves them with a philosophical thought, such as, uh--

wait a minute, I got it.

"Good night, folks, and remember--

a friend in need is a pest."

No, buddy. We've got all of 59 minutes here to do jokes.

We should end the show with a serious, homey thought.

Yeah, good idea. Serious, homey thought.

Serious--hey, I got a good serious, homey thought.

"Remember, folks--

keep your garbage cans covered."

Kind of gets you right there, doesn't it?

Maybe it's over here.

I don't know. Maybe I'm hungry.

Come on, let's eat. We gotta get it finished.

I got it, I got it. Alan does one of his eccentric dances.

You know, he dances up a storm.

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

How do you like that? We were looking for a finish, here he is.

If that's in this week's script, it's out.

Rob, can you give me a minute of your time?

I'd like to give you about 30 days.

What is it, Mel?

I'd like you to meet my cousin Maxwell.

Maxwell?! Maxwell?!

Love to.

Oh, boy, this should be a thrill.

Maxwell, do come in.

Maxwell do-come-in.

My, what a strange name.

Look at this!

Will the real baldy please stand up?

( LAUGHS )

This guy'll laugh at anything.

Watch. Shoehorn!

( LAUGHING )

Uh, this is Sally Rogers,

one of our staff writers. Hi, Max.

And this is Rob Petrie, our head writer.

Hi, Maxwell. How do you do?

Well, I'm Buddy Sorrell.

And may I say that any cousin of Mel's

is certainly...a fool to mention it to anybody.

Well, it's certainly nice to meet all of you.

Maxwell sells wholesale jewelry.

He just brought up some cufflinks I ordered,

and I thought you'd like to see his stock

in case you needed anything.

Yeah, I'm a little low on emeralds this week.

I'll look if you promise not to let me buy.

What'll it be? Cufflinks, earrings,

necklaces, bracelets?

Maybe I'll buy some cufflinks for my wife Pickles.

You buy cufflinks for your wife?

Sure, so she can give them to me for my birthday.

You always pick out your own birthday present?

No, I'm gonna leave it up to her warped opinion.

Look what she picked for a husband.

All of our prices are 30% below store prices.

You see, Maxwell doesn't have any overhead.

Buddy: Kind of runs in the family, don't it?

( LAUGHING )

That's very good. He's funny.

Yeah, he's a riot.

Look, I'll leave you here.

I've got a lot of work to do.

Yeah, the wastepaper baskets are all filled.

Is there something I can show you, Mr. Petrie?

Money clips, rings, tie clips, men's watches?

Maxwell, how about these cufflinks? I like these.

Nothing too good for my wife to get me for my birthday.

What do you think? Let me see.

No, originally, that was, uh...

40 - 40 -- 40 with a 30%--

with a discount, $35.

Hey, all right, I'll take them.

Just charge them to me, all right?

Hey, Max, how much for these, uh,

fairly pretty, overpriced earrings?

Better take a look here.

Ooh, now, originally they were 40--

with a discount, $35.

Okay, I'll take them. And you can bill me, too.

Yeah, don't worry about our credit.

Ask the 100s of people we owe money to.

( LAUGHTER )

Make up your mind yet, Mr. Petrie?

Sally: Hey, Rob.

Want to go with us? We're gonna have some seafood.

No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

No? Then it's you and me, young lady.

Would you care to join me in a bowl of clam chowder?

You think there's room in there for two of us?

( LAUGHTER )

Shoehorn!

( LAUGHTER )

Hey, what is this?

You have good taste, sir.

You have your hands on the Empress Carlota.

I have?

This is a copy of Empress Carlota's necklace.

Quite impressive, isn't it? Yeah.

It looks like a chandelier.

The Empress Carlota's husband--

Maximilian of Austria.

Mmm! You do have a knowledge of antiques, don't you, sir?

Well, no, that's history--

the original is in a museum in Madrid,

and it's valued for a quarter of a million dollars.

I understand Maximilian presented the original to Carlota

just before she went mad.

She probably saw the price.

( LAUGHTER )

You do know jewelry, don't you, sir?

Well, no, not really.

How much is that?

The price of this is going to surprise you.

How much is it?

$39.50.

For this?!

But with the discount...

$35. $35, yeah.

You interested in it?

Only in its history, really.

I tell you, it's a little too--

too unusual. Yeah.

I agree, yes.

Only a woman of rare and sophisticated tastes

couldn't understand a piece like this.

Well, my wife's pretty sophisticated.

Now, this-- this is a very plain and popular number.

You don't need any special taste or understanding to like this.

What do you think?

Well, it's very nice.

It's not very exciting, but it's a safe present.

Uh...how much is that?

$33.

$33?

You mean, for two extra dollars,

I get all this?

It certainly is a big present.

I don't know. Do you like it?

Me. Petrie...

All I can tell you is this--

when you are walking down the street with your wife,

and she is wearing that necklace,

people will stop, point and say,

"Look at that woman."

Yeah, wrap it up.

( LAUGHTER )

Honey, I'm home.

Honey? Laurie? Come on out

and greet your emperor.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Take off your apron. Why?

Because an Empress doesn't wear an apron to a coronation.

You'll have to forgive me

if I seem a bit dense, Your Majesty,

but I've been scrubbing the palace floors all day

and doing the king's laundry, and... What are you talking about?

First take off the apron.

And sit down, your loveliness.

Because in about 12 seconds, you're gonna give out

with the biggest "Oh, Rob" that you ever gave out in your life.

You bought me a present!

Oh, Rob, you shouldn't have.

Or should you? What is today?

It isn't your birthday,

and it isn't your anniversary, either. What is it, then?

It's coronation day at the Petries'.

For you, honey.

Well, what's the occasion?

No occasion. Just bought it for you

'cause you're such a nice guy, that's why.

Oh, Rob!

Oh, Rob!

I knew it.

Take it out, it's yours.

How do you like it, honey? Isn't that something?

Yes. Well, it really is something.

Oh, boy, I was afraid you weren't gonna like it.

Were you afraid of that?

Oh, boy, was I.

Honey, do you really like it?

What a silly question.

I mean, it's, you know--

it's kind of an unusual piece,

and a lot of people might think it's too much.

Let me try it on you. I want to see how it looks.

I'm really not dressed right to do justice to it.

Just for fun, honey.

I want to see how you look in it.

Now stand up.

It's, uh, kind of heavy.

Oh, honey, you look more majestic

than Empress Carlota.

It does something for you.

Did you say Empress Carlota?

That was designed especially for her.

Wait a minute, I'll get the mirror.

Well, then this is a real piece of jewelry.

It's not the one Maximilian had designed.

That cost a quarter of a million dollars.

And this one?

Now, honey, it's not polite to ask the price.

Well, it--it looks so...expensive.

I mean, wasn't it too much money?

Now, honey, that's none of your business.

It's your job just to wear it and enjoy it, okay?

Okay.

( CHUCKLING )

Oh, Rob.

Thank you for being so sweet and thoughtful.

Honey, do you really like it?

Like it? Rob, I cherish it.

You know what I'm gonna do? No. what?

I'm gonna take this necklace

and put it in its little box

and lock it up in my dresser drawer forever.

No!

That's only when it's not gonna be around your neck.

'cause most of the time, you're gonna be wearing this.

Even looks good from the back.

Let me see it.

Oh, boy.

Jerry: Hey, Rob, when can we come out of the kitchen?

Come in now, I'm all finished.

Boy, where's this fabulous necklace

you invited us over to rave about?

I had to get the stage set first.

You guys in show business-- everything's a big production.

Come on, sit down. Well, let's go.

You all ready? Yeah.

( HUMMING FANFARE )

May I present the Empress Carlota?

Rob, this is so silly.

Huh? Jerry, Millie, is that the wildest necklace

you ever saw in your life?

Wow.

It must've cost a fortune!

Yeah. Millie, what do you think?

Oh, Rob, I don't know what to say.

It certainly is wild.

I can't wait to take her out and show her off in this.

Oh, Rob, it's a knockout.

It looks like a chandelier.

You know something? When I first saw it,

I couldn't make up my mind whether I liked it or not.

But it grows on you, doesn't it?

Yeah.

It does look like it's growing.

Hey, Rob, where did you find it?

I'd like to pick out one just like it for Millie.

No!

I mean, I'd love one,

but how would it look

to have two wild, beautiful necklaces

in the same neighborhood?

You wouldn't mind if I found one just like it for Millie?

Well, I don't know-- of course she'd mind!

I'd mind, the whole neighborhood would mind.

Let's get some coffee.

Yeah, let's get some coffee.

You know something, Jerry?

I see what Millie means about two necklaces.

That makes sense. Yeah, I guess you're right.

I don't understand it. I thought Rob had such good taste.

Ordinarily, he does, but every once in a while,

he'll do something just like this.

Last year, he bought me a pair of shoes

with plastic heels that glowed in the dark.

Luckily, I was able to return those.

You mean you can't return this?

I can't. Rob thinks it's beautiful.

He's gonna want me to wear it all the time.

If I know him, he'll ask me to wear it with my nightgown.

I wonder how Empress Carlota

got rid of hers.

She went mad.

We can put it in the blender and drink it.

Millie.

Well, you can always just throw it away.

Millie, you don't just throw away an expensive necklace.

Wear it to a rotten neighborhood.

Maybe you'll get held up by a thief with bad taste.

Stop making jokes and tell me what I'm gonna do with that thing.

Well, I know what I'd do

if Jerry brought home something like this.

What? I'd say, "Jerry, take it back."

I can't do that to Rob. He's too sensitive.

He's too sensitive?

Millie, you know what I'm gonna have to do?

I'm just gonna have to tell him the truth.

Gently but honestly, I'll tell him that--

Tell me what, honey? That, uh...

I've never been so thrilled by anything in my life,

and I just don't know how to show my appreciation.

Honey, you don't have to tell me anything.

The way your face lights up when you put it on...

The way the whole room lights up when you put it on...

Makes it worth everything.

You just wear it and light up the world.

Come on, you guys, what about that coffee?

The longer you wait, the harder it'll get.

I'll tell him. I'll--

tonight, I'll tell him.

After you leave.

Good night, Millie. Good night, Millie.

Ha ha! Boy, they were really impressed.

You know, Jerry wanted to buy it from me.

Come on, honey, I'll help you clear up the dishes.

Uh, Rob, why don't we just sit here and talk for a while?

It's kind of late. Can't we talk while we clear up the dishes?

Well, I just feel like relaxing for a while.

Sit here, honey.

Okay.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, um...this.

Isn't that cute?

You want to talk about the necklace.

You're really excited about it, aren't you?

Um, well, Rob--

Honey, you don't have to say anything.

It overwhelms me, too. I understand.

No, Rob, I don't think you do.

I think I do.

Well, just let me talk for a while,

and don't interrupt me, all right?

Okay, honey.

Um...Rob?

I just can't--

( CLEARS THROAT ) I can't tell you how--

how thrilled I am that you bought this--

this expensive necklace for me.

Oh, honey, it wasn't that expensive.

I mean, it-- it wasn't my birthday,

and I just-- Oh, honey.

Well, I'll never forget how you said you were giving it to me

'cause I'm a nice guy.

You don't have to say anything.

I understand.

No, I don't think I do.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. I've got a very beautiful

and sensitive wife

who appreciates a loving husband.

Now, don't I understand?

( WHIMPERS ) Now, honey...

Why don't you go and get ready to go to sleep,

and I'll finish clearing up the dishes, okay?

Okay.

Hey, honey? Don't take off the necklace.

I want to see what it looks like with your nightgown.

Oh, Rob.

( CRIES )

Honey, tomorrow I'm gonna buy you

a matching bracelet.

( SOBBING )

Boy, is she happy.

No, Millie, I haven't told him yet.

Well, I just couldn't tell him last night.

No, I can't tell him tonight.

He's invited his parents over to see it.

Well, I'll tell him.

I'll definitely tell him tonight, as soon as they leave.

Well, anyway...

"the farmer grabbed Tommy the turkey

"by his scrawny, thin neck,

and Tommy the turkey went aah! Uhh!"

Edward!

Hi, folks. Sorry I'm late.

Hi, daddy! Hi, Rich.

Hi.

How's my Empress today?

Just fine, dear.

Hey, you folks are looking wonderful.

You don't look too bad yourself, son.

Laura takes pretty good care of me.

Pretty good care?

Laura, you're doing a marvelous job.

He looks almost as good as the day I gave him to you.

Oh, thank you, mother.

Well, you been a good boy today?

Wonderful. He's so cute.

The image of you when you were a boy.

Oh, now, wait a minute. I wouldn't say that.

This boy is cute.

Laura, Rob was the funniest-looking boy

in the whole middle west.

Don't you believe it. Rob was beautiful.

He only looked funny to make people laugh.

Well, all I can say is, I'm glad that he takes after Laura.

Daddy, did you bring anything?

I sure did.

A genuine rock.

A genuine rock? Oh, boy, thanks!

All that happiness for just a rock?

What does he do when you bring him a present?

Exactly the same thing,

just as long as I bring him something.

I've got him trained that way.

Matter of fact, I've got his mama trained the same way.

You should've seen the big kiss I got last night.

You brought her a rock, too?

Well, something like that.

Honey, didn't you tell them about the--

No, I thought you'd want to be here

to share in the excitement.

What excitement? What is it?

Folks, I want your complete

and undivided attention.

Laura: Rob, don't overdo it.

Overdo what?

I would like to inform you

of a new addition to our family.

Both: You're going to have a baby!

No, they're not!

It's just that my wife

is now the proud owner

of an original copy

of an Empress Carlota necklace.

No!

Oh, no!

I'm sorry...

But I've never seen anything

So absolutely beautiful.

Edward, will you look at this gorgeous necklace?

Did you ever?!

Never.

Looks like a chandelier.

Edward!

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I think I'm going to cry.

( SOBBING )

Mom, you don't have to cry.

Oh, yes, she does.

She cries when I take her to museums.

Only because I love beautiful things.

Well, mother, you think this is beautiful?

Absolutely breathtaking.

( SOBBING )

Mom, would you like to try it on?

You don't mind, honey?

Mind? No, I don't mind.

Do you think I could? Should I?

Oh, Laura, perhaps I shouldn't.

Let's just see how it looks on you.

Go ahead, mom. I'll get the mirror for you.

It's a copy of the one Maximilian had made

for Empress Carlota just before she went mad.

Well, how do I look?

See for yourself, mom.

Oh, my goodness!

( SOBBING HYSTERICALLY )

It's so lovely!

Better take that mirror away

before she floods the living room.

Mother, are you all right?

All right? She's having a ball.

Crying's her hobby.

Mother and dad, would you excuse us for just a minute?

Rob, could I see you in the kitchen for just a minute?

Sure, honey.

( SOBBING CONTINUES )

She's really excited about that necklace.

What did you want me for, honey?

Um, Rob, I want to ask you something,

and I want you to be perfectly honest with me. Sure, honey.

You will be honest, won't you?

Aren't I always honest with you?

Yes, you are.

Rob, what would you say--

how would you feel if I were to give the necklace

to your mother as a present?

What?

Well, her birthday isn't too far off,

and I can't think of anything that would make her happier.

Laura, do you mean you'd give my mother

the necklace I gave you?

I guess it was a thoughtless suggestion.

I'm sorry.

Thoughtless?

You're the nicest, sweetest,

kindest, most generous person in the whole world.

Oh, no, Rob, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are. No, it's--

it's just that your mother seems to really love, and I--

I know. I know what you thought,

and I love you for it.

Come on, let's go tell mother.

You really love it, don't you, mom?

It's only the most beautiful necklace

I've ever seen in my life.

And I go to museums.

What are you doing, mom?

I'm trying to unclasp it. Let me help you.

What have you done, son? You've fastened it again.

Mom...

Laura and I want you to keep it.

What?

I married a great girl.

Laura wants to give it to you for your birthday.

But my birthday isn't till--

Oh, my goodness.

( SOBBING )

Here we go again.

Hi, honey. Oh, honey! Don't do that!

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had to work.

What do you have behind your back?

Close your eyes, hold out your hands.

Okay, open them.

Oh, Rob. oh, you shouldn't have!

I mean it, you really shouldn't have.

Open it.

This isn't another Empress.

Honey, I looked all over town.

And you found one?

You didn't find one!

I'm sorry, honey. I tried, but--

Oh, Rob, it's beautiful!

I love it.

Oh, honey, it's no Empress Carlota.

Oh, but, Rob, it's so simple and elegant.

Honey, you're just saying that.

Rob, you may not believe this,

but I love this one just as much--

No, I love it more than the other.

Honey, I don't believe you,

but thanks for saying it anyway.

I love you.

You know something?

I want to let you in on a little secret

about that Carlota necklace.

I know something about that necklace.

Oh? Mm-hmm.

It's not so unusual.

There are plenty of copies all over,

and I'm not gonna rest till I get my hands on one

and put it around your neck.

( SOBBING ) Oh, no!

Oh, no!

♪♪