All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E30

[music playing]

PRESENTER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

So Rob and I were actually married in the hospital

at Camp Crowder.

That's right.

Our first married kiss was through a gas mask.

Marvelous!

You know, this article is primarily

about your professional life, Rob,

but this stuff is priceless.

Oh, by the way, when will the article come out?

Oh, the next issue, if there is one.

You know, the magazine business.

ROB PETRIE: [chuckles]

What was your first job, Rob?

Uh, my first job?

I had a lemonade stand.

No, I mean after the army.

So do I. When I was discharged,

I had a lemonade stand.

Down by the railroad depot.

He was waiting for a disc-jockey

job to open up at one of the local radio stations.

Yeah, that lemonade kept us alive.

Better than our hot dogs.

You know that-- that's good, from

train station to radio station.

How-- how long did you disc jockey?

Uh, two years.

Mm, and from there "The Alan Brady Show?"

That's right.

Oh, how'd you get the job?

Well, I'd always been quite an admirer

of Alan Brady and his work.

I used to mail him a lot of comedy routines,

openly liked him, or me, or maybe a combination of both.

And apparently, he did like the combination

because he asked Rob to meet with him.

Oh.

And-- and the meeting led to the job.

Uh, I don't know.

Well, you were there, weren't you?

Well, I was there but I wasn't really there.

You were there but you weren't there?

ROB PETRIE: (CHUCKLING) That's right.

He's joking, isn't he?

Oh, no.

No.

Now you were at a meeting with Alan Brady

and you didn't know it?

Well, actually, you see, I had a kind of an amnesia.

Well, that's-- what the doctor called it, honey.

Yeah, had to remember, it was psycho, uh-- psycho--

psycho-something. Uh--

Psycho.

ROB PETRIE: Well, it sounds crazier--

it sounds crazier than it is.

No.

Not really, dear.

It was a lot crazier than it sounds now.

Either way, let's hear about it, the whole thing.

Well, I was a disc jockey at the number two

radio station in a two-station town,

and the competition was fierce.

And we used to do a lot of wild promotional gimmicks

trying to get the ratings up.

Anyway, this one day when I finished my show--

[reminiscing music playing]

Well, gang, that's it for today's edition of, uh,

Petrie;s Platter Party and Robbie's Roost,

so plug up your ears till tomorrow at 2:00,

because there's nothing worth hearing

till I come back to you.

And remember-- they're playing our song.

This is Danville Success Station,

WOFF radio with a reason.

And now, clue number 37 in this week's Famous Name contest.

Folks, that jackpot is now up to $17.

All you gotta do is catch that clue to collect that cash.

So here it is, clue number 37 in this week's

Famous Name contest--

this famous person is responsible for an act

associated with this sound.

[rooster crowing]

That's it, gang.

Stay tuned now for the WOFF 5:00 PM news.

The station that informs you.

If you haven't heard it here, it hasn't happened yet.

[news intro music]

(DEEP VOICE) At 5:00 PM, these are the headline stories.

Jury remains out for a third day in trial of Chicago

bank holdup trio, Senate still deadlocked

on urban water appropriation.

And locally, the Danville mayor will

officiate at the opening of the new playground

down on Greene Street.

Stay tuned now folks for the "Edwardy Edward Show"

coming to you over WOFF, the station with--

[car engine sound]

--drive.

[exhales audibly]

Hi, darling.

Hi, honey.

Gee, it was a good show.

Honey, thank you.

Who's the mystery person?

You're not eligible.

I know, Rob, but it's driving me crazy.

Come on, I'm dying to know.

I promise I won't tell anybody.

Who is it?

Napoleon.

Napoleon?

Rob, what did he have to do with the rooster?

Honey, the Battle of Waterloo was

fought early in the morning.

You know, roosters!

Oh, Rob, that's a rotten clue.

Nobody's ever gonna get it from that.

It's a great clue because the station doesn't

wanna pay the 17 bucks anyway.

Robbie, baby.

You were great today.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Van Buren. You know my wife Laura.

- Yes, hello, Ms. Petrie. - Hello.

You got time for a little chat?

What-- yeah. Do you want her to--

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Now look, Robbie, question time.

Why is WDDX the number one in this town?

Well--

They have better disc jockeys?

Of course not.

Better jingles, better contest?

Well--

It's promotion, kid.

Promotion here.

Read this story, right there.

It's about a disc jockey down in Texas.

Uh, "New York Times?" WILLIAM VAN BUREN: Uh-huh.

Just read it, go ahead.

Read it loud.

Let the little woman, hear it.

ROB PETRIE: Uh, it says Houston--

Houston disc jockey D. Claybourn stayed awake

in the window of a local department store

for 99 hours and 50 minutes!

Breaking the existing endurance record

of 94 hours and 12 minutes held by a disc jockey

in Marshfield, Oregon.

[whistles] It's a pretty wild stunt.

LAURA PETRIE: Sounds crazy.

Do you think we ought to do stuff like that?

Not like that.

That!

Every station in the country is gonna try to break that record.

And why I wanna be sure that you're the one that does it.

- Me? - Well--

- Him? - --of course.

After all, you're the youngest, strongest man on our team,

Robbie.

Well, I don't know, Mr. Van Buren.

I can hardly make it to the Late Show.

Excuse me for butting in, uh, but it says here that the man

in Texas is in the hospital.

In the hospital?

They brought him in for observation.

LAURA PETRIE: Yeah, but in the hospital.

Now, look, this is gonna to hit wide.

It's gonna be tremendous national coverage.

Big, very big!

And I want to be sure that you're the one that does it!

Well, gosh, you know--

honey?

Rob, he's in the hospital.

Of course there's the monetary side of it, too.

Money? Is there a prize?

Oh, a raise.

$15 a week if you try it, and $2 for every hour you

go past the record.

Hey, how about that, honey?

It says he's been in the hospital for two days.

Observation, that's all.

Oh, honey, we could sure use that money.

Yeah, and I could use the ratings.

Now, how about it?

Well, I don't know.

How soon would you wanna start?

Oh, as soon as possible.

Oh.

Honey?

Rob!

I mean, in the hospital.

Uh, Mr. Van Buren, could I--

Oh, you wanna talk to the little woman?

Of course, of course.

You take all the time you want.

I'll be back in five minutes.

Bye.

And in exactly two minutes, Rob Petrie will make his

trying to break that record.

[all clapping]

Dr. Gage and his associates will be on hand at all times

to see that no harm comes to our hero.

And then of course, there's the little woman, Laura.

Yes, Laura will stay by her husband's side

as much as possible.

A fine woman, Laura Petrie.

A woman that this country, the city, and the station WOFF

can well be proud of.

[all clapping]

And now it's time that we turn the mic over to, uh, the man

of the hour.

Or should I say, the man of a hundred, or who knows,

how many hours, Rob Petrie.

Take your seat at the mic.

[all clapping]

Oh, let's have a kiss from the little lady.

- OK. - All right.

Now, he's sitting down. PHOTOGRAPHER: Show your faces.

WILLIAM VAN BUREN: And they're doing--

PHOTOGRAPHER: That's it. WILLIAM VAN BUREN: --it again--

PHOTOGRAPHER: Now cheek front.

WILLIAM VAN BUREN: --there.

I think it's time for us all together

to start that countdown--

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Rob, you're on the air and stay awake for the next 100 hours.

[snores] [chuckles] Just kidding there.

Gang, this is wide-awake Robbie baby boy,

and I'm just fine because I'm all yours and you're all mine.

Starting out the first hour of what

may be one of the most important hours in radio history--

my death.

[laughs] Just kidding, gang.

Listen, before we spend the first platter here,

I think I ought to tell you what's going on down here

Chamber's department store.

First of all, besides taking my, uh,

blood pressure, and my pulse, and, uh, my money--

[laughs] old Doc Gage and his gang

here are gonna be, uh, asking me every hour to repeat

this tongue twister to test the deterioration

of my entire brain.

OK, you ready?

Here we go.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,

how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper picked?

Hey, how's that, gang?

[all clapping]

All right, now, in the next 100 hours, gang,

we're gonna be playing the top 2,000 records on the charts,

OK?

We're gonna start right off here in hour 1 with a record number

2,000.

Here it is, Miminy Mama with Billy and the Bing Bong.

Robbie, baby, best of luck.

If you need anything, call me at the station.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Hey, good luck, Riley.

And good luck to you, too, Libby.

Oh, and by the way, to you, 20% discount during the sale.

Thank you very much, sir.

Aah!

Boy, here we are, honey.

And so--

How about a little kiss for the hero?

Oh, uh, darling, they've got--

Oh.

[laughs] All right.

It's all right, folks.

We're married.

OK? Come on.

Give me a kiss.

No, Rob.

Honey, how many girls get the chance to be kissed in a window

of Chamber's department stores?

I just don't want to, Rob.

[chuckling] All right, I'll get my kiss when I get home.

You realize that could be four days from now?

You're right.

I better take my kiss now.

Oh!

Robbie, you all right?

I'm all right.

I'm fine.

OK, gang, get ready.

Here we go.

It's going up on the board.

24 hours!

Huh?

How about that?

[laughs] And I'm still fresh as a daisy, gang.

That old Doc Gage though, boy, he's home in bed.

Well, well, well, well, well, well.

It looks like the replacement, see here.

Peter Piper, please.

Peter Piper.

OK.

Well, folks, look like it's Peter Piper time again.

Here we go.

Uh, Peter Piper picked to be a peck of pickles.

If Peter Pepper pike a peck of pickled pipers,

how many peter did Pickled Piper picked?

Huh, how's that?

- You're wrong. - Wrong?

Wrong.

Huh?

You're kidding me.

Peter Piker pipe a--

Piper Pickem-- people pickem--

[laughs] Hey, gang, guess who can't say that anymore?

Yeah, that's right.

Your old wide-awake friend Robbie Piper--

Petrie!

MRS. RUSSELL (ON PHONE): And I'm giving $10 to the church

building fund in your name.

Oh, that's so sweet.

MRS. RUSSELL (ON PHONE): I'll make it

20 if you played that old Benny Goodman album again.

Oh, I got it right here, Mrs. Russell.

Oh, the old, old, '78.

Which one do you want?

MRS. RUSSELL (ON PHONE): Uh, play, um, "Sing, Sing, Sing."

OK.

MRS. RUSSELL (ON PHONE): I just love it.

You got it.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll play "Sing, Sing, Sing" if you

will sing "Play, Play, Play."

[laughs]

MRS. RUSSELL (ON PHONE): Oh, Robbie.

Thank-- - I had it all--

MRS. RUSSELL (ON PHONE): --you.

--in here a second, Mrs. there Russ.

Whoop!

[laughs] Uh, Ms-- hold her [gibberish]

Damn!

Nope.

Mrs. Russ, uh, what, uh, what would be your second choice?

OK, gang.

It's Rob Petrie on the air for 57 straight house, boy.

Hope you like that little ol' number.

I know I did!

Now, folks, here is the news.

Hey, Doc!

Peeker Piper pickle poogle.

Now, back to the news.

[clears throat]

Just a minute.

Ah!

It's better.

Friends, they said that he couldn't do it, huh?

Well, I'll tell you that I can do it.

Listen to this, hot off the news wire.

Coast to Coast, we made the old national news ticker, boy.

Listen to this, friends.

Danville, Illinois, that's our old hometown, huh?

Put us on the map.

Danville, Illinois.

DJ Rob Petrie is past the halfway mark in his quest

to break the stay-away record of, uh, 100 hours

set, uh, last week in Texas by the late D. Claybourn.

The, uh, late D. Claybourn, uh--

Claybourn lost his life in a hunting accident-- whew!

Thank goodness!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I-- I mean, thank goodness, he lost his life in a hunting

accident because he was in a hospital for not sleeping,

you know.

[chuckling] One thing about hunting, it's a dangerous game.

[muffled laughing]

OK, friends.

Here is a big record.

OK, I'm gonna get you, buddy.

I got it!

OK, gang, just a few more hours to go.

Old Robbie baby is doing great.

[chuckles] Hey!

Hey, and it's now 97 hours.

Oops, I better get back to my records.

Whew!

We're down almost to the homestretch now, gang.

And so--

That's my boy, Rob.

Rob?

Does he--

No, for the last 20 hours, he periodically

slows down and just stares, then he has a burst of energy.

Otherwise, his condition is excellent.

Gang?

I don't think this is any time for music and games.

Let's turn to the news!

I just turned to the news.

New York-- hundreds of office workers were

given the day off when elevators in a-- uh,

in the brand new 40--

70, uh, Capitol Building first thing.

On the lighter side, happy news, local firemen

were called out an hour ago to try and rescue

a nine-week-old kitten stranded on top of a huge elm

tree on Maple Street.

So far, the frightened cat has eluded their grasp.

Poor, old pussy cat.

The lighter side?

That's terrible!

Poor little furry thing.

Oh, golly, I'm with you pussy cat.

Please don't be afraid, little pussy cat.

We're just trying to help you.

[crying]

Rob, are you OK?

[continues crying]

What's the matter?

There's a cat caught in a tree.

Rob?

Ooh!

Oh, honey, you heard about it, too, didn't you?

Now, now, now, he's all right.

He just gets terribly emotional.

You should have seen him when he announced

the adjournment of Congress.

He went all to pieces.

- May I see him alone? - Of course, of course.

But he's gonna be all right.

Don't you worry about a thing.

Now, now, now, once this record is broken,

he'll get tremendous coverage.

Henry, take your vitamin.

OK.

Rob, darlin', are you all right?

Uh, I'm fine, honey. I'm OK.

Hi.

Rob, listen, I got something important to tell you.

Oh, they got the cat down?

No.

Forget the cat.

Oh, honey, I'm ashamed of you.

Rob, will you listen to me?

You got a telegram.

From the kitty?

No!

Rob, it's from Alan Brady.

- Alan Brady? - Yes.

- My Alan Brady? - Yes!

Look.

Oh, boy.

Uh-huh.

What does it say?

Rob, it said that Alan Brady and his producer in Chicago

to interview writers in this area and he wants to see you!

- Oh, yippee! - Yeah.

When?

Tonight at 10 o'clock in his hotel.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh.

Oh, I'm the happiest guy in the whole world, honey.

Oh, OK, now, look, we've got to be there in nine hours,

but you'll be able to get a few hours sleep anyway.

What are you doing?

We're going home.

No, what's the matter with you, Laura?

Six more hours.

I wanna be the world champion.

Rob, this job has been your dream.

It's television, New York!

Rob, what's the matter with you?

What's the matter with you?

In six hours, uh, big magazines gonna be here, take my picture.

Oh, Rob!

Rob, I've hated this whole thing right from the beginning.

Look at you!

You've-- you're just falling apart, Rob!

Uh, honey, the doctor--

Rob, I don't care what the doctor said.

I don't like to see you like this, darling.

Honey, don't do that.

People are watching.

Well, I don't care!

(SOBBING) Rob!

I don't!

Rob, this job has been your dream.

You've prayed for it.

Now that the big break has come, you're

gonna walk into the biggest meeting

of your life sound asleep!

Don't cry.

Now crying is not gonna help anything.

But Rob, you're throwing away your big chance

for this stupidness!

No, no.

Rob.

Wait-- wait a bit.

Wait a bit.

Aah!

Oh, I'm all right, honey.

Rob, are you--

There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm just a little tired, that's all.

Are you sure?

Yeah!

Now, I just have an obligation to this station,

and to my friends, and-- and to the-- the people out there,

and to myself, honey.

I got to go through with it.

Now, look, we'll see Alan Brady, too.

I'll call him.

I'll let them know we're coming.

As soon as I become the champ, they take the pictures.

I'll freshen up.

We'll get in the car, and we'll go see Alan Brady.

OK?

OK.

But first, can we go help the little pussy cat?

Doctor!

Don't wake him up.

He's tired.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Aah!

He's done it.

He's broken the record!

And who knows how long more he'll go on.

This is only the beginning!

No, no.

This is the end.

Honey, pack my bed.

I'm gonna go to Chicago and see what's-his-name.

Alan Brady.

You got it.

Oh, you must be Rob Petrie.

Hi.

That's-- that's right.

He is, and I'm Mrs. Petrie.

No.

Oh, um, darling, look at that interesting step there.

Yes.

[laughs]

I'm, uh--

I'm, uh, Mel Cooley, the producer.

Hello.

Is he all right?

Rob Petrie.

Yes.

He's-- he's fine.

Just fine.

Oh.

Wo-- won't you sit down?

Um, I'll go get Mr. Brady.

He's napping. -

In a bed?

Of course.

Oh-hoh.

Just don't-- darling.

Rob, get up. - Honey, I'm OK.

I'm OK.

I'm OK.

Rob, darling, listen to me.

OK.

Why don't we explain to Alan Brady what happened

and see if we can come back tomorrow, huh?

Nah, it's too far back to Danville.

Rob, look, we can stay over in a hotel.

No, I'm all right.

I'm ma-- oh, give me another, uh-- uh, vitamin pill,

will you?

Rob, put your head down.

You look pale.

OK.

Now, where is this genius--

Oh!

Just wait.

I'm gonna explain.

Mel, we're looking for writers, not acrobats.

No, no.

He's not an acrobat.

Well, what is he then? Drunk?

No, no, no.

He doesn't drink.

Alan Brady.

ALAN BRADY: Well, how are you? - Why, you're Alan Brady.

How do you do?

Oh.

Hi.

What is this? A gag?

No, no. It's, uh--

ALAN BRADY: What's the matter with him?

And he's just very tired.

But he's-- boy, he's a very good writer.

He may be, but he makes a lousy first impression.

Rob, darling?

Alan Brady.

Yeah, now we've--

we've established that.

Now, tell me a little about yourself.

Go on, darling.

Tell him all about yourself.

All right, cat got your tongue?

Cat?

Oh, did you hear about that little kitty, catty, pussy cat?

What little kitty, catty, pussy cat?

- Oh, I hear you're-- - Rob--

--a good man.

You care.

Yes, yes, yes.

Rob, no, darling.

What's he doing?

He's crying!

I know that, but why?

Rob, please stop?

I can't, honey.

He's a good man.

He cares.

Well--

Oh, he laughs.

Clown-laugh, he's crying inside.

Mel, Mel, get him outta here.

Me--

LAURA PETRIE: (SOBBING) Rob?

Mel, what are you doing?

I can't stand to see a grown man crying!

It's not gonna catch me.

(SOBBING) Oh, Rob.

[rob and laura crying]

And in spite of that, you got the job?

Well, Rob finally caved in.

And then I explained to Mr. Brady what happened.

And he turned out to be a very nice man.

You'd be sure you print that part.

LAURA PETRIE: Well, he paid for a room for us.

And then the next day, instead of just a short interview,

he spent the whole day with Rob and got

a chance to find out just how brilliant he really is.

No, Alan's a slave driver.

He realized any guy who can stay up for 100 hours

is valuable to have around.

MR. WARING: [laughing] Rob, Laura, this is

gonna be a wonderful article.

Oh, I hope so.

May I have some of these pictures?

Maybe we can use them.

Yeah, as long as we get them back.

Oh, fine.

Um, I'd like that one, and this, and, hmm,

is this you holding a cat?

Mm-hmm.

That's not that same cat up in the tree?

[snickering]

Eh, no.

But we had to tell him it was in order

to get him to go to Chicago.

You mean that's not the same cat?

Oh! Yes, yes, it was.

It was the same cat, darling.

Same one.

[nervous laugh]

MR. WARING: [laughing]

[music playing]