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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Rich, I've got a sneaking suspicion these are going
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to be the most gorgeous sunny-side-uppers
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ever made by a father.
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Whether to eat them or have them preserved in plastic.
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Oh, those are pretty.
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OK, the last operation.
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Ah-ah, a little sticky.
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There you go.
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Look at that.
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Two absolutely perfect, unbroken yolks.
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Rich-- ooh!
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You made me break my yolks.
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I'm sorry.
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But look, you had to break them eventually, right?
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You'll never understand, will you?
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Come on, Rich.
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You're gonna be late for school.
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Darling, have you heard a weather report?
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No, I was trying to make perfect eggs.
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Well, see if you can get one on the radio, will you?
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I never know how to have a dress Ritchie for school.
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RITCHIE: I don't want to wear a goofy raincoat.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): On the West Side Highway,
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traffic is backed up on the southbound lane.
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Please use alternate routes.
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The Grand Concourse and East River Drive
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are also heavily congested.
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Those are the alternate routes.
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Gonna be one of those days.
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Broken yolks, no alternate routes.
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What's gonna be next?
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WOMAN (SINGING ON RADIO): It's time for the weather.
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Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime, it's
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always time for the weather.
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Weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather,
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weather, weather, weather, weather,
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weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather.
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Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime.
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Weather, weather, weather, weather,
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weather, weather, weather--
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ROB: It's time for the weather, I think.
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Oh. Well, thanks, darling.
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I don't need it.
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I just looked out the window, and it's raining.
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- Mm-hmm. - Bye.
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Bye.
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I hate to wear a stupid raincoat.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): The forecast
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for the metropolitan area today is warm and cloudy.
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Wise guy.
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Look out the window.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): And now back
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to music over WIFE, wife, the radio station
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most people are married to.
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I'd like to have a divorce.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): Here's a little tune that just came out.
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Could be a real big one.
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It's the Dum-Dums singing "Bupkis."
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"Bupkis"?
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DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) You
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took my arm, a golden charm, a diamond mine, a love so fine,
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yeah.
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But what did I get from you?
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Bupkis!
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What did I get from you?
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Bupkis!
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Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you.
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Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you.
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Yeah, "Bupkis."
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Right.
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Hello?
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Hi.
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Listen, can I speak to you--
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is this WIFE?
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Good, because I want to speak to your disk jockey.
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Yes, the morning man.
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DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) Bupkis!
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Bupkis.
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Hello.
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Hi.
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I just want to ask about that song you're playing.
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Yeah, that's "Bupkis," right?
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Can you tell me what the name is on the label?
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Well, yeah, I know it's "Bupkis."
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I mean, who wrote it?
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Buzzy Potter?
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Right, who else?
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Nobody?
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Just Buzzy Potter?
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You're sure?
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Yeah, thank you very much.
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Oh, yeah, it's a cute tune.
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I thought it was cute when I wrote it.
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Hi, Rob.
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ROB: Hi.
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Aren't you gonna hold the door open for me, gentleman Jim?
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I let you carry the coffee.
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What do you want?
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Hi, Rob. Here's your coffee.
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Hi, Sal.
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Thank you. - There.
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What you got there?
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Oh, all the music business trade papers.
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Boy, I haven't looked at those since "Yuk-a-Puk"
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slipped out of the top 50.
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"Yuk-a-Puk" didn't slip.
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It was pushed.
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Hey, which one of these magazines
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is the best indicator of the popularity of a song?
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Ah, they're all about the same.
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Alan isn't gonna do another one of those satires
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on rock and roll, is he? I hate them.
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I love them.
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They're funny.
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There it is, "Bupkis" by the Dum-Dums.
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- That's not funny. - Yeah.
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Well, just look in the new release list there.
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Hey, let me see.
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Here.
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"Bupkis."
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Hey, that's a real song.
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"Bupkis" is a Yiddish word meaning "nothing."
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Yeah, I know.
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I wrote that.
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You wrote "Bupkis"?
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Yeah.
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I learned a lot of good words when
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I was in the Army from Saul Pomerantz--
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"bupkis" and "shlemiel," "farblonjet," and "tzimmes."
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Hey, your name isn't here.
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It says by Buzzy Potter.
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You don't think any guy who wrote a song called "Bupkis"
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recorded by the Dum-Dums is gonna use his real name,
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do you?
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It just so happens I wrote that song with Buzzy Potter.
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Oh, and they left your name out?
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No, he left it out.
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Oh, Potter's a crook?
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No, Petrie's a jerk.
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Well, what'd you do this time?
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Well-- what do you mean this time?
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Want me to list it alphabetically?
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First time you said you were a jerk,
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you broke your tooth biting into a soft chicken sandwich.
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And then another time, you were hypnotized,
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and every time a bell rang, you acted like you were drunk.
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How about the time he landed in the hospital
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after he wrestled with a stuffed monkey?
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What about when I left my script
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at Grand Central Station?
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BUDDY: Oh-ho! And remember the time--
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That's enough.
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I think we've proven what I am.
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You guys remember Buzzy Potter?
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Yeah, I remember Buzzy Potter.
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Yeah?
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Yeah, he's the guy who wrote "Bupkis." you just told me.
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SALLY: Come on.
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No, I don't think you guys ever met him.
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He was a guy I wrote songs with in the Army.
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A couple of months ago, he started calling
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me on the phone, bothering me.
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I finally ask him to come up here.
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And we sat around talking about the good old days.
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Uh, Corporal Bloom and Lieutenant Plahokiss.
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That's it. - That's right.
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You remember the entire company.
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Yeah, all 120 of them.
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Those were the good old days.
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And you forgot one guy, the drummer.
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What was his name?
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He had a crazy name.
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I don't remember any drummer.
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So it was Six--
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Sticks Rangoon?
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Oh yeah, that's it. Listen, do you remember--
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No, that's not his name.
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Not Rang-- how come you remember everybody,
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but you don't remember the drummer?
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Who, drummers?
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With all that noise they make, who can remember their names?
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I do remember the first song you and I wrote together.
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Do you?
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No.
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(SINGING) Sergeant Foley is the guy
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in charge of our platoon.
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He bears a great resemblance to an anthropoid baboon.
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Sergeant Foley, roly-poly Sergeant
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Foley, the anthropoid baboon.
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You know, I got two weeks in KP for doing that.
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How come you didn't?
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Well, that's the breaks.
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Music business is a crazy business.
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Remember this from the revue we wrote?
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Oh, "It's a Funny War."
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Yeah.
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Oh, that's great.
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I remember that.
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Let's see.
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(SINGING) I'm in love, I'm in love with Attila the Hun.
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Atilla the Hun, Atilla the Hun.
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We'll pillage a village and kill everyone.
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I still love Atilla the Hun.
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That was a great song.
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Hey, listen to this.
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(SINGING) She was the only girl I ever really loved,
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the only love I've ever known.
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But why, oh why, did she stand in front
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of the guns of Navarone?
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Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
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No, I just wrote that.
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It's on the Alan Brady show next week.
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I thought I wrote it.
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Well, it just goes to prove to you,
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you still write the best lyrics, Rob.
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Not really, Buzzy.
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Oh, yes you do.
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Since I got out of the Army, I tried writing
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lyrics with 20 other guys.
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And not one of them had that Rob Petrie touch.
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Oh, you're real talented.
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But I got to admit, when I think of how lucky you've been,
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I get a little jealous in here.
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Oh, well, well, I guess I've done OK.
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OK?
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You're writing a top TV show, and I'm
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still trying to peddle songs.
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Well, you know, Buzzy, you're gonna hit it someday.
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Well, I could, you know, if I had your help.
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Look, Buzz--
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Now, look.
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We got over 12 great tunes in here.
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With a little work, they could all be hits.
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Oh, Buzz.
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You know the odds against that.
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Besides, I've got a job here.
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I haven't got the time.
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That's why I'm here, Rob.
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Give up this job.
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What?
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Give up this job!
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Look, we'll push the old tunes, and we'll sell new ones.
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Oh, look, Buzz--
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Come on.
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It'll be like the good old days in the Army.
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Well, to me, those days weren't all that good.
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Now, look here.
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We could work a few evenings a week!
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I like to go home after work.
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Oh, yeah.
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Sure, Rob.
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You got the job, and the home, and the wife, and the kids.
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And I got nothing and nobody.
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I'm sorry, Buzz.
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Well, being sorry doesn't help.
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I'm willing to give up everything
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I have to push these tunes.
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And you're not willing to give up a thing.
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I can't give up my job, Buzz.
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What do you want me to give up?
265
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,389
I don't know, Rob.
266
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,392
That's your problem.
267
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:21,894
Buzz, can I lend you some money?
268
00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:23,763
Oh, Rob.
269
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,632
The only other thing to give up are the tunes.
270
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:27,767
- Outright? - What?
271
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:28,701
What do you mean, outright?
272
00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:30,503
I mean, mine, 100%.
273
00:09:30,603 --> 00:09:31,437
Well, OK.
274
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:32,939
Well, OK, Rob.
275
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:34,974
If that's way you feel about it, we'll do it your way.
276
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,243
Well, Buzz, I hope you find one song in there that'll
277
00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:38,611
make you a couple of bucks.
278
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:40,079
Which one?
279
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,247
- Any one. - Oh.
280
00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:42,148
Well, OK, Rob.
281
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:42,982
Fine.
282
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,116
Let's do this again sometime.
283
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,351
(SINGING) I'm in love.
284
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,920
I'm in love with Attila the Hun.
285
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:55,328
So you gave him the whole trunk full of songs?
286
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,395
What else could I do?
287
00:09:56,495 --> 00:09:57,563
Anything but that.
288
00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,332
Boy, that was really stupid.
289
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,466
You think so too, Sal?
290
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,368
No, not at the time you did it.
291
00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:04,136
It was stupid at the time too.
292
00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:05,071
Get a lawyer.
293
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,405
Hey, my cousin Irving's a lawyer.
294
00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:07,306
Why do we need a lawyer?
295
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,507
To sue Buzzy.
296
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,575
He stole half your songs, didn't he?
297
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:10,876
Oh, didn't you hear?
298
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,578
Mr. Nifty gave it to him.
299
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:13,813
In writing?
300
00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,114
Well, it doesn't make any difference.
301
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:16,449
It's a verbal agreement. - Verbal, shmerbal.
302
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,050
You could be losing a fortune.
303
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,618
Well, what kind of a guy would I be if I went back on my word?
304
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:22,321
My kind of guy.
305
00:10:22,421 --> 00:10:23,456
He set you up for it, didn't he?
306
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,057
Well, I'm not sure.
307
00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:25,992
But you suspect?
308
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,059
Um--
309
00:10:27,159 --> 00:10:28,694
Then you need a lawyer, Irving the lawyer.
310
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,364
Oh, Buddy, will you cut it out with the lawyers?
311
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,698
Somebody's got to do something.
312
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,667
Rob, what did Laura say?
313
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,035
Nothing.
314
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,403
You mean she's that understanding?
315
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,005
Sure.
316
00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:41,307
Besides, I haven't told her yet, and I don't think I'm going to.
317
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:45,311
[music playing]
318
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:57,857
If I could just find this one piece.
319
00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:04,030
It's mostly lake, and a duck's nose on it.
320
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:05,031
Nope.
321
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,500
Darling, will you help me with this?
322
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,335
Rob, you're staring at me again.
323
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:10,469
No, honey.
324
00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,405
I just noticed how cute you look.
325
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,340
I love your hair that way.
326
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,374
Well, thank you, dear.
327
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,710
But I always wear it this way.
328
00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:18,744
I've always loved it.
329
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,447
I just-- I meant to tell you.
330
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:23,482
Is there anything the matter?
331
00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:24,817
No.
332
00:11:24,917 --> 00:11:26,118
No, I was just sitting here thinking, you know,
333
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:28,020
honey, life's a lot like that jigsaw puzzle.
334
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:28,954
Oh?
335
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:29,922
How?
336
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,357
Well, it's like a-- you know, a lot
337
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:33,893
of little meaningless pieces that you put together,
338
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,394
and then you see.
339
00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:36,796
You understand everything, the whole picture, you know?
340
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,431
Like that farm in Vermont there.
341
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,032
No, that's Central Park.
342
00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:40,966
It is?
343
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,001
Funny.
344
00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:43,536
Upside down, that looks like Vermont.
345
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:44,804
That sure is.
346
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:46,038
Well, you see, everything looks different.
347
00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:49,275
Depends on your vantage point.
348
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,277
What-- what are you-- what piece are you looking for?
349
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,912
A duck's nose.
350
00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:54,380
Honey, that's a duck's bill.
351
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,414
I know.
352
00:11:55,514 --> 00:11:57,049
I just like to call it a nose.
353
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:58,250
"Bill" sounds too snooty.
354
00:11:58,350 --> 00:11:59,185
Ha!
355
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:00,453
I made a joke.
356
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:04,457
Oh, you're witty, nice hair, everything, nice smile.
357
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,760
You're OK, kid.
358
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:11,664
Rob, do you have my nose?
359
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:12,732
No, honey. No, see?
360
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:13,666
I don't have it.
361
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,368
It's on here somewhere.
362
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,671
Hey, you remember Buzzy Potter?
363
00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:20,072
Buzzy Potter?
364
00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:20,806
Mm.
365
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:22,608
Oh, from the Army.
366
00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:23,843
Yeah.
367
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,111
He dropped in to see me the other day.
368
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:25,811
Oh?
369
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:26,745
How is he?
370
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,247
Oh, fine, fine.
371
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:30,783
I always felt kind of uncomfortable around him.
372
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,852
Yeah, me too.
373
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,920
I never understood how you two got along,
374
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,389
much less write songs together.
375
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,225
He was kind of sleazy.
376
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:39,959
Sleazy.
377
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:41,727
Boy, right again.
378
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,262
And pretty bad songs too.
379
00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:45,364
Oh, wow.
380
00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:46,398
Whoo, boy.
381
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:47,967
The worst in the whole world.
382
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,636
I'm kind of embarrassed I wrote them.
383
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,671
You know what he wanted?
384
00:12:52,771 --> 00:12:54,106
- A taxicab. - Huh?
385
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:55,774
Forget the nose. Look for a cab.
386
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:56,742
It's this part here.
387
00:12:56,842 --> 00:12:57,943
Oh.
388
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:02,481
Son of a gun, you know, wanted to team up again.
389
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:04,517
Wanted us to be partners again.
390
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,684
What'd you say?
391
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,453
Well, I mean, what would you say?
392
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:08,621
Absolutely not.
393
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:09,622
Right.
394
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:10,456
That's exactly what I said.
395
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:11,790
Good.
396
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:12,925
- You want some coffee, honey? - Mm, thank you.
397
00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:14,160
I'd love some.
398
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:15,928
Yeah, well, I told him I'm too busy.
399
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:17,530
That's for sure.
400
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,864
Right.
401
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:21,066
You know, he wanted us to team up and rewrite
402
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,535
some of the old songs.
403
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,470
And I said, like you said, I said, they're terrible.
404
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:25,771
Oh, good.
405
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:26,872
Yeah, right.
406
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,674
That's what I said.
407
00:13:28,774 --> 00:13:31,777
Well, he was persistent, you know?
408
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,814
And I-- you know, I was very firm with him.
409
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:36,048
Very good.
410
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,082
Yeah.
411
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:42,555
Well, you know, you know what I did?
412
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:46,258
You don't know what I found out.
413
00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:47,226
What, dear?
414
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:48,861
Well, I-- you know, it did get him
415
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,196
out of my hair and everything.
416
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:52,665
I just-- I gave him the songs outright.
417
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,033
That's all.
418
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,801
Well, I wouldn't have done that.
419
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,703
You wouldn't have done that?
420
00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:59,004
Oh, no, Rob.
421
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,539
They might have been rotten songs.
422
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:03,676
But you know, I hear a lot of rotten songs on the radio,
423
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:04,910
and they're big hits.
424
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,214
Well, yeah, but I felt sorry for him.
425
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:10,482
Well, that's that's very sweet of you, darling.
426
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:13,118
But you know, suppose one of those songs that you
427
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:15,454
gave away became a huge hit.
428
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:18,090
I mean, you'd probably feel awful ridiculous,
429
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:21,961
sit around here with your mouth open and blinking your eyes.
430
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:27,399
Rob, you're blinking your eyes.
431
00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:28,467
Rob?
432
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,869
Honey, you can't classify it as a hit--
433
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,004
yet, anyway.
434
00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:33,472
LAURA: What? - "Bupkis."
435
00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:34,840
- What? - "Bupkis."
436
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:35,741
Oh yeah.
437
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:36,709
I remember that one.
438
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:37,710
That's a hit?
439
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:38,711
Oh, no.
440
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,212
I just-- I don't know.
441
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:42,014
I just heard it this morning.
442
00:14:42,114 --> 00:14:43,182
Where? ROB: On the air.
443
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:43,916
Where?
444
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:45,150
On the radio.
445
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:47,453
The Dum-Dums made a recording of it.
446
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,621
Is it a hit?
447
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:49,755
Well, no, honey.
448
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:51,924
You can't-- "bupkis" is a Yiddish
449
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,626
word that means "nothing."
450
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,560
Rob?
451
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:56,495
And "Bupkis" is--
452
00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:57,997
"Bupkis" is going to just turn out to be
453
00:14:58,097 --> 00:15:00,199
that, I think, just bupkis.
454
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:04,169
Well, you know, I mean, it might turn out to be a--
455
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:09,942
what is the Yiddish word for, oh boy, did I goof?
456
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:13,612
Try "oy vey."
457
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:14,747
Oy vey.
458
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,348
Oh, that works fine.
459
00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:19,318
Very good.
460
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,487
DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) --what you'll get from me.
461
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:22,888
Bupkis!
462
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:28,661
Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me.
463
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:33,832
Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me.
464
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:35,067
Bupkis!
465
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:39,805
See, honey?
466
00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:40,773
Stinks!
467
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,208
It's a stinker, isn't it?
468
00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:44,777
Enough to be a big hit.
469
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,812
Oh, it's not that bad.
470
00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:50,983
Well, he-- look, he's only sold one record of it so far.
471
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:52,751
Does Buzzy get a royalty on it?
472
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:55,487
Well, $0.02 on a record.
473
00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:59,291
Darling, how much is a million times $0.02?
474
00:15:59,391 --> 00:16:03,195
Oh, honey, I'll never see the day that sells a million.
475
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:05,264
How can you be so sure?
476
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:09,535
If this reaches a half a million, I'll kill myself.
477
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:14,740
Look, just for fun, just for fun, how much is a million
478
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,709
times a couple of pennies?
479
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,977
Well, I don't know.
480
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:21,580
2, uh, 20--
481
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:22,514
I don't know.
482
00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:23,349
I don't know.
483
00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:24,750
Two million pennies, that's all.
484
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:25,784
Two million pennies?
485
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:26,752
Well, only a million.
486
00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:28,253
I'd only get half, anyway.
487
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:31,023
Oh, would you just think what we could
488
00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:33,959
get with one million pennies?
489
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:34,893
Copper poisoning?
490
00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:36,128
LAURA: Oh.
491
00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:37,363
Hey, I'm a dope. I don't know what--
492
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,331
I gave him the song. I gave him my word.
493
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:40,265
That is it.
494
00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:41,633
Unless--
495
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:42,634
Unless what?
496
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,436
Well, unless he tricked me.
497
00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:45,804
Tricked you?
498
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,741
Well, no, forced me into a position where I had to do what
499
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,641
I did.
500
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,343
Is he that smart?
501
00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:53,545
You mean, am I that dumb?
502
00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:57,282
Well, it sounded nicer the other way.
503
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,717
No, honey, if I gave him the record,
504
00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:00,652
I'm just going to have to be a good sport about it
505
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:01,787
and live with it.
506
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,422
Yeah, but if he connived and took
507
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,990
advantage of your good nature--
508
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:06,658
For which I am very well known.
509
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:07,993
Yes.
510
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,228
Well, then you'd have every right in the world
511
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:10,596
to do something about it.
512
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,698
It's a tricky situation.
513
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:13,832
He didn't trick me into it.
514
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,000
I just got to live with it.
515
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,969
If I could only talk to the guy.
516
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:19,705
Better yet, better yet, write to him.
517
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:20,773
Yeah.
518
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,007
Why is that better yet?
519
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,709
Write him a note congratulating him
520
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:25,144
on his success! - Wait a minute.
521
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,512
What do you see that I don't see here?
522
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,147
Well, darling, when he gets your note,
523
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,115
if he's any kind of a nice guy at all,
524
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,617
he'll get in touch with you.
525
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,085
And who knows?
526
00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:34,086
Oh yeah.
527
00:17:34,186 --> 00:17:35,888
And if he's not a nice guy--
528
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,624
Well, write to him and find out.
529
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:39,725
Ah, no, wait a minute.
530
00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:43,162
You do the writing, and I am gonna dictate.
531
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:46,832
Honey, look.
532
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:47,866
Don't mind, just write.
533
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:50,235
I'll finish it myself later.
534
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:54,006
OK, you watch, and I'll write.
535
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,307
You broke my yolks.
536
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:04,850
Hi, Rich.
537
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:07,119
Hi, Dad.
538
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:08,754
What's the matter?
539
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:09,688
"Bupkis."
540
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:10,856
Again?
541
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:11,890
Yeah.
542
00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,926
The kids keep saying I'm a liar.
543
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,093
Look, Rich.
544
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:16,295
I'm telling you once and for all, pay
545
00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:17,529
no attention to what they say.
546
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:19,298
I'm telling you that I wrote that song,
547
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:20,532
and that's all that matters.
548
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,901
But they say, if you wrote the song,
549
00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:24,503
your name would be on the record.
550
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,906
Rich-- well, that's a pretty good argument.
551
00:18:28,006 --> 00:18:29,241
Well, what do you say?
552
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,009
What you told Mommy last night.
553
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,611
What's that?
554
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:36,081
That Buzzy Potter's a rat for not even calling or anything,
555
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:38,951
and if you ever saw him, you'd break his nose.
556
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,385
I never said I'd break his nose.
557
00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:43,989
I put that in to make you sound tough.
558
00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:45,791
Thanks.
559
00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:47,159
LAURA: Rob, is that you?
560
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:48,694
You just do your homework and forget about it.
561
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:49,995
Coming.
562
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:51,196
Hi.
563
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,167
That wasn't the greatest kiss in the whole world,
564
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,269
but up till now, it's the high point of my day.
565
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,138
Well, then you better get ready for the low.
566
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,305
Huh?
567
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:02,741
Mr. Potter has replied indirectly.
568
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:05,344
Sunderland, Sachs, and Engelhart, attorneys at law?
569
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:07,112
Why would attorneys be writing me?
570
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,480
Maybe to tell you something legal?
571
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:09,515
Well.
572
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,419
Dear Mr. Petrie, your kind note of congratulations
573
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,456
to Mr. Potter prompted us to take this opportunity
574
00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:21,460
to ask for your signature on the enclosed document, which states
575
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,962
you relinquish to him all rights to songs
576
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:25,130
you previously owned jointly.
577
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,698
Why those dirty--
578
00:19:26,798 --> 00:19:29,101
Those dirties go on to say that your verbal agreement is
579
00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:32,004
quite binding, but it would be nice to have it in writing,
580
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:32,938
legally.
581
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:34,473
Oh, it would, would it?
582
00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:35,974
LAURA: You're not gonna sign it, are you?
583
00:19:36,074 --> 00:19:37,009
Oh, yes.
584
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,777
How do you like my penmanship?
585
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:42,748
We were worried about ethics, and morals, and your good word.
586
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,484
You want to hear a couple of good words?
587
00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,019
Rob, what are you gonna do?
588
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:48,287
Tell you what I'm gonna do--
589
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:49,655
exactly what I can do.
590
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,089
Nothing.
591
00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:52,357
Nothing?
592
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:53,725
Well, I talked to our lawyer, honey.
593
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:55,561
The verbal agreement is valid in court.
594
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:58,297
The only thing this letter does is just change my attitude.
595
00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,732
Before, I felt stupid and suspicious.
596
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:02,901
But now I'm furious.
597
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:04,269
You know what you ought to do?
598
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,471
You ought to go see Mr. Potter.
599
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:07,539
Oh, no.
600
00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:09,841
But I'm gonna go pay Mr. Potter a visit.
601
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,243
Darling, I just said that.
602
00:20:11,343 --> 00:20:12,945
Well, what difference does it make who said it,
603
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,846
as long as I do it?
604
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,782
Rob, you're eating raw fish.
605
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,217
You're telling me.
606
00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:23,488
[music playing]
607
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,112
When did Mr. Potter say he'd be back?
608
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:48,280
Well, with him, you never know.
609
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,281
He's a real operator.
610
00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:50,248
Yeah, I know.
611
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:53,785
I'm one of his operations.
612
00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,020
What do you know?
613
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,055
If Frank Sinatra would sing this, it would be a hit.
614
00:20:57,155 --> 00:20:58,624
Listen.
615
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:01,593
If Frank Sinatra would sing that song, it'd be a miracle.
616
00:21:01,693 --> 00:21:03,295
Well, what does he know?
617
00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:05,897
Timmy Tone Deaf.
618
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:07,132
Is Mr. Sharazan in?
619
00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:08,400
No, all three of them are out.
620
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,035
They won't be in today until tomorrow.
621
00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:11,737
Anybody here from Anvil Music?
622
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:14,072
We don't have an Anvil Music here.
623
00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:15,674
It's right on the door.
624
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:16,508
How about that?
625
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:17,909
Boy, they come and go here.
626
00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:26,151
Excuse me, miss.
627
00:21:26,251 --> 00:21:27,686
Oh, hello.
628
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:31,023
For the 14th time, Sticks Mandalay to see Buzzy Potter.
629
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:33,225
RECEPTIONIST: Well, for the 15th time, he ain't in,
630
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:34,826
Mr. Mandalay.
631
00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:36,695
STICKS: And for the 16th time, I don't have all day to waste.
632
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:38,797
And the longer I wait, the rougher it's gonna be on him.
633
00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:39,765
RECEPTIONIST: Good.
634
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:40,999
He's not my favorite person either.
635
00:21:41,099 --> 00:21:41,767
Sticks. Sticks, not Rangoon.
636
00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:42,801
Sticks Mandalay.
637
00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:44,736
Sticks Mandalay!
638
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:45,504
Yeah.
639
00:21:45,604 --> 00:21:47,239
Rob Petrie, Camp Crowder.
640
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:48,473
Hey, how are you?
641
00:21:48,573 --> 00:21:50,208
Just great, Sticks. How you been?
642
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,576
Oh, fine.
643
00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:52,811
But I haven't been Sticks for about 10 years.
644
00:21:52,911 --> 00:21:54,880
I gave it up when I gave up the drums.
645
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:55,947
It's Frank.
646
00:21:56,048 --> 00:21:57,582
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
647
00:21:57,683 --> 00:21:59,584
Well, I mean, Frank's a great name.
648
00:21:59,685 --> 00:22:01,353
But I'm sorry you gave up the sticks.
649
00:22:01,453 --> 00:22:02,954
You were a great drummer.
650
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,423
Thanks.
651
00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:05,924
Well, I still, you know, paradiddle every now and then
652
00:22:06,024 --> 00:22:07,859
when I went my wife and kids to know I'm still around.
653
00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:09,728
I just use Sticks for the old Army guys.
654
00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:11,797
Hey, you know, I ran into Buzzy Potter the other day,
655
00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:13,999
and I couldn't remember your name to save me.
656
00:22:14,099 --> 00:22:15,400
What?
657
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,668
Well, I mean, I couldn't remember anybody's name.
658
00:22:16,768 --> 00:22:18,403
But Buzz Potter ran through the-- reeled
659
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,671
off every name in the company.
660
00:22:19,771 --> 00:22:21,039
And he couldn't remember your name.
661
00:22:21,139 --> 00:22:22,074
Uh-huh.
662
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,642
He'd like to forget I'm alive.
663
00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:25,043
Why?
664
00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:28,213
Well, you see, when he and I were at Camp Crowder together--
665
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:29,247
are you and he friends?
666
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,415
Not at all.
667
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,650
And what are you doing here?
668
00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,719
Well, I don't know, Sticks.
669
00:22:33,819 --> 00:22:36,455
I'm either gonna talk to him or punch him in the mouth.
670
00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:38,690
For that, you gotta stand in line.
671
00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:39,624
No kidding.
672
00:22:39,725 --> 00:22:40,625
You too?
673
00:22:40,726 --> 00:22:42,094
He's got the whole ex-Army after him.
674
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:43,595
And a couple ex-wives too.
675
00:22:43,695 --> 00:22:45,097
What are you sore at him for?
676
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:46,064
Nothing.
677
00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:46,965
Nothing?
678
00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:48,100
Yes, he's like--
679
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,334
I told you, Mr. Potter isn't here.
680
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:50,268
[interposing voices]
681
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,169
Oh, oh, oh.
682
00:22:51,269 --> 00:22:52,270
Well, well!
683
00:22:52,370 --> 00:22:53,271
The guest of honor.
684
00:22:53,371 --> 00:22:54,940
- Hi, Buzzy. - Hi, dolls.
685
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,007
Come on.
686
00:22:56,108 --> 00:22:58,176
We want to talk a little business with you.
687
00:22:58,276 --> 00:22:59,978
Couldn't we make an appointment?
688
00:23:00,078 --> 00:23:01,346
This is the appointment.
689
00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:02,848
Did you think you could get away with it?
690
00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:04,049
Buzzy, you took--
691
00:23:04,149 --> 00:23:05,550
Why'd you do it, Buzzy?
692
00:23:05,650 --> 00:23:08,453
Well, after you shipped out, I heard
693
00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:09,654
you were killed in action.
694
00:23:09,755 --> 00:23:10,355
Where?
695
00:23:10,455 --> 00:23:11,590
There was no war then.
696
00:23:11,690 --> 00:23:14,993
Well, I thought that was strange.
697
00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,628
But I tried to find you.
698
00:23:16,728 --> 00:23:19,431
Why didn't you look out here, or answer my letters?
699
00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:20,766
Well, I would have answered your letters.
700
00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:22,400
But I didn't know it was you.
701
00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:24,503
How many Sticks Mandalay do you know?
702
00:23:24,603 --> 00:23:26,271
Counting yourself? Why, there's one in Ohio.
703
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:27,572
Oh, Buzzy, come on. You took it--
704
00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:28,540
- Hold it, Rob. - Go ahead.
705
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,742
You look madder than I do.
706
00:23:30,842 --> 00:23:32,310
All I know is you stole "Nothing."
707
00:23:32,410 --> 00:23:33,278
"Nothing"?
708
00:23:33,378 --> 00:23:34,646
Well then, what are you--
709
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:36,414
"Nothing"? "Bupkis."
710
00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:37,416
"Nothing" is "Bupkis."
711
00:23:37,516 --> 00:23:39,851
No, "Bupkis" is "Nothing."
712
00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:43,155
I wrote a tune called "Nothing," and he turned it into "Bupkis."
713
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,323
No, I turned it into "Bupkis."
714
00:23:45,423 --> 00:23:47,058
You wrote the lyrics?
715
00:23:47,159 --> 00:23:47,959
You wrote the tune?
716
00:23:48,059 --> 00:23:48,693
Yeah.
717
00:23:48,794 --> 00:23:49,628
Well, fellas, what--
718
00:23:49,728 --> 00:23:50,562
What did he write?
719
00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:51,797
I'll be going.
720
00:23:51,897 --> 00:23:54,232
He wrote his name on the music sheet.
721
00:23:54,332 --> 00:23:56,435
Oh, Buzzy, you're not just a wheedler, you're a crook.
722
00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:57,335
Enough, fellas.
723
00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:58,703
Let's go talk business.
724
00:23:58,804 --> 00:24:00,005
Come on.
725
00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:00,939
Hey, Buzzy!
726
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:01,740
Hey, Buzzy!
727
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:02,774
Congratulations on "Bupkis."
728
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:04,075
You got another one coming up?
729
00:24:04,176 --> 00:24:07,579
Sheila, get me a lawyer.
730
00:24:07,679 --> 00:24:09,481
Why can't I think of something like that?
731
00:24:09,581 --> 00:24:10,982
Sheila, get me a lawyer.
732
00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:16,488
Hello, family.
733
00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:18,056
Hi, darling.
734
00:24:18,156 --> 00:24:19,891
Is that for me?
735
00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:21,059
That is for us.
736
00:24:21,159 --> 00:24:22,527
What is it?
737
00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:23,862
I'll show you.
738
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:26,998
It is a framed copy of "Bupkis," with the names
739
00:24:27,098 --> 00:24:29,734
Mandalay and Petrie clearly printed beneath the title.
740
00:24:29,835 --> 00:24:31,069
Hey.
741
00:24:31,169 --> 00:24:35,941
And my first royalty check for the sum of 984 pennies.
742
00:24:36,041 --> 00:24:37,242
That's for the first three months.
743
00:24:37,342 --> 00:24:39,711
$9.84?
744
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:40,912
Don't get your hopes up, honey.
745
00:24:41,012 --> 00:24:42,881
I'm afraid they won't all be that big.
746
00:24:42,981 --> 00:24:43,882
Oh.
747
00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:47,853
[music playing]
748
00:24:50,589 --> 00:24:55,694
[theme music]
50481
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