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[MUSIC PLAYING - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]
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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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Hi.
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What do you want?
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Oh, Millie.
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Gee, I'm glad I caught you.
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Well make it quick.
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I gotta be at the crosswalk at 12:30.
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I'm on duty for going back from lunch and coming home.
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Yeah, I know and I figured since you're
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gonna be at the school anyway would you kind of keep
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a special eye on Ritchie?
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Has he been selling his lunch to the other kids again?
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No, but he's come home with bruises twice this week.
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He says it's from playing ball, but I have
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a feeling he's been fighting.
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Well, my Freddy hardly ever fights, but boy
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what he writes on sidewalks.
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I gotta wash his hands out with soap.
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Hi, mom.
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Hey, Rich!
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Come back here.
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You're supposed to be eating lunch at school.
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What are you doing home?
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I don't know.
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Ritchie, why are you hiding your fa-, Ritchie, what hap-,
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you've been fighting!
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No, I just got beat up.
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Ah Rich, and they broke the bill of your lucky cap too.
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Rich, who did it?
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Ritchie, who did it?
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Millie maybe I better talk to him alone.
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Oh, OK. All right.
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I see you later.
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Rich, come on honey, now.
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Forgot my sign.
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Now Ritchie, tell me what happened.
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You'll tell Aunt Millie.
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No I won't, dear.
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Look, it's a third time this week you've come home bruised
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and I want to know the truth.
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Now who have you been fighting with?
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Was it Freddy?
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Teddy Sooler?
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Rich, was it a bunch of kids?
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Honey, this is mom.
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You can tell me.
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Ritchie, who's been beating you up?
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Priscilla Darwell.
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[music playing]
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What'd he say?
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He keeps insisting that Priscilla Darwell is
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beating him up for no reason.
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He has no idea why?
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According to him it's just unprovoked punching.
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I just don't see how she could do that.
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Well, it's easy.
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She just walks up and belts him, that's all.
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But honey, he won't hit back.
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I've taught him never to hit a girl.
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He's too much of a gentleman.
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Well, she's no lady.
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She bent his bill.
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Huh?
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The bill on his baseball cap.
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Look it's ripped to shreds.
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Boy, she must be a biter too.
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Look at those teeth marks.
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Yeah, and that can be dangerous.
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What, getting bitten on a hat?
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No, she probably aimed for his nose and missed.
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You know, I could be wrong but somehow
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I have the sneaking suspicion that Ritchie's
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not telling us everything.
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What do you mean?
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Well honey, you know how he makes
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things up once in a while.
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Like, every time he has to kiss grandma he gets chapped lips,
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you know.
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Well, why would he make this up?
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I mean, being beaten up by a girl makes him a sissy,
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and whoever heard of a boy saying
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he was a sissy on purpose?
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A lot of guys in the army tried it.
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Pretending they were cowards and things like that.
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Now maybe he's getting to be a coward.
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Oh, he is not.
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He beats up Freddy.
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Yeah, Freddy's smaller.
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Heavier.
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Yeah, but Freddy's uncoordinated.
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He hasn't got that--
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Rob, our son is a terrible liar.
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That's what I think.
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No, I mean he's a terrible liar.
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He doesn't tell lies well.
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I know when he is lying, Rob, and he wasn't about this girl.
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Well, maybe you're right.
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Well, I don't know what to do about it.
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I never had problems like that when I was a kid.
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I got slapped by girls a few times
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but I never got beaten up.
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What'd you get slapped for?
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Well, usual things.
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What usual things?
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Well, I don't know.
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I know one time at a high school dance
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Margie Woolet slapped me because I said her slip was showing.
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Is that all?
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Well, I said it on a loudspeaker.
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Full of ginger, weren't you.
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I still am, baby, but I don't get beaten up.
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Rob, we've got to do something.
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I think maybe we should get in touch with this girl's parents.
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You know them?
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No, but they, well they're probably in the phone book.
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Look, we could call them and then you
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could go over there tonight.
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Tonight?
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Rob, Ritchie is scared to go to school tomorrow.
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Oh, he didn't tell me that.
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No, of course not.
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He tells you the brave things.
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When he's chicken he talks to me.
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All right, Mrs. Spock.
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Let's see.
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Darwell, Darwell.
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Gotta be in the book, right?
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Oh here, there are two.
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Ralph Darwell and Ogden Darwell.
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Oh boy, I hope it's Ralph.
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Here are the numbers.
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Oh, boy.
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You sure I can't just talk a little bit on the phone?
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No, I think you should do it in person.
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Hello.
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Well, hello there.
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Is your mommy or daddy home?
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Is it the--
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I think it's a boy.
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Uh, are you a boy?
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It's a boy and his mommy's in the bathtub.
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Sonny, is, uh, is your name Darwell?
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Well, hol-, hey-- he went to ask his mother.
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[whistles] Little boy.
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Hey, hi Sonny.
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Listen, yeah, I know, I know your mommy's in the bathtub.
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Maybe you can help me.
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I just wanted to ask you, uh, do you have a sister?
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But-- hello, little boy!
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He went to ask his mother again.
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Well, it's probably not the right Darwell.
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Little boy.
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Hello.
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That's right.
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I know your mommy can't come to the phone.
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I just want to ask you a question, do you have a sister?
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A sister. .
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No, a-- No look, is there somebody
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who lives at your house who looks like your mother who,
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but is smaller?
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No, not your grandma.
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Uh, oh hello.
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Listen, I'm terribly sorry to get you out of the bathtub.
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Mrs. Darwell?
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Yeah, I will, that's right.
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Listen, I just wanted to ask you if you had
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a little girl named Priscilla.
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Hello?
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Hello?
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Boy, people get mean when they're wet.
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Looks like you're stuck with Ogden.
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Uh, Mr. Darwell?
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Yes, come in. Come in.
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You must be Mr. Petrie, what.
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That's right.
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Have any difficulty finding the place?
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No, none at all.
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Good show.
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Sit down, won't you, in my, uh, personal chair.
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Oh, thank you very much.
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It's a wonderful chair that, you know, wonderful.
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Wife hates it.
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Moves it every time I leave the room.
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Oh.
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Look, I'm, uh, terribly sorry to bother you.
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No, no, no. It's no bother.
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I just wish the wife was here.
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She's, uh, she's gone to night school.
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Oh, knight school.
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Studying to become a knight, huh?
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I, uh, I beg your pardon?
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Well, you know, knight.
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Arthur's round table and all.
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You know, your English.
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Well, of course you know that.
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Yes, well anyway.
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Can I offer you anything?
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Coffee, drink?
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Oh no, nothing.
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All I want-- boy, that's quite a chair.
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Yes, isn't it wonderful, and, uh, watch this.
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It vibrates too.
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Yeah.
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Now, uh, let me offer you some candy, imported raspberry sour
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balls from England, you know.
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Well, I, I, actually I don't care.
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Uh, Mr. Darwell, how do you turn this off?
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Hmm?
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Oh, yes, yes.
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Turned it off a minute ago.
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That says off there, doesn't it?
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No, no. It's this top one.
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Well, I believe that, that that's the top, isn't it?
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Oh, yes, yes.
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From your point of view it could be the top, you see.
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There we are. Yes.
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- Ah, boy. - Knight!
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Knight school. Yes, I see.
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Funny joke, what.
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Oh, can I give you, uh.
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This the way.
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Here we go.
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Oops, I'm terribly sorry.
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Quite all right.
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I'll, uh, I'll get them later.
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Don't worry about it.
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Oh, uh, well.
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You, uh, thank you.
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You didn't say on the phone exactly what the trouble was
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between Ritchie and Priscilla.
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Well Mr. Darwell, our children have been fighting.
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But, uh, your child is a male.
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I mean, he's a boy, isn't he?
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Well, my male is, is a boy.
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I have a, Rich, I have a boy.
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And they've been fighting?
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Yes.
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That's very odd.
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I mean, Priscilla hasn't come home hurt or anything.
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Well, that's, that's because she's winning.
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You mean, uh, you mean, my daughter, uh, my daughter
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can beat up your son, huh?
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By George.
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Oh.
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You see it isn't exactly like that.
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But with just a couple of the boys roughing it up
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Ritchie can take care of himself,
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but he, he won't hit a girl.
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I taught him not to hit a girl.
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Yes, yes, of course. Stupid of me.
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Stupid. Yes, yes.
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Well, I mean, I see your difficulty.
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Uh, is there any reason that you know of?
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Uh, no, no.
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My son doesn't think so.
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Huh.
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Well look here, I want to get to the bottom of this right now.
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Smart's the word, quick's the action, what.
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You bet.
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Priscilla, would you mind coming down, please.
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I remember a similar incident when I was
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in a foxhole in North Africa.
267
00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:44,116
My sergeant said to me-- oh, there you are, precious.
268
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,318
What is it, Daddy?
269
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,287
Uh, this is, uh, Priscilla, this is Mr. Petrie.
270
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:49,555
Oh, hello.
271
00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:51,157
Are you Ritchie Petrie's father?
272
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,191
Yes, he is.
273
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:53,693
Now my dear, this is rather important.
274
00:09:53,793 --> 00:09:55,328
What's been going on between you and Ritchie?
275
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,729
Nothing, Daddy.
276
00:09:56,829 --> 00:09:58,230
You haven't been fighting Ritchie?
277
00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,165
Oh no, Daddy.
278
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,399
I love Ritchie.
279
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:02,568
Well, Priscilla, you mean, you didn't hit my son?
280
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:03,769
No, Mr. Petrie.
281
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,104
Now tell the truth, my dear.
282
00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:07,073
Nobody here is going to punish you.
283
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:08,541
But I am, Daddy.
284
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:10,676
Priscilla, what about this hat?
285
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:11,978
Oh, that's Ritchie's hat.
286
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:12,945
That's right.
287
00:10:13,045 --> 00:10:14,447
You see the, the front is all broken.
288
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:15,381
Did you do that?
289
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:16,549
No, Mr. Petrie.
290
00:10:16,649 --> 00:10:17,550
I love Ritchie.
291
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:18,484
There.
292
00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:19,819
Run along, my dear.
293
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:21,621
Goodnight, Daddy.
294
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:22,755
Good night, Mr. Petrie.
295
00:10:22,855 --> 00:10:24,423
It was very nice meeting you.
296
00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:27,126
Goodnight, Priscilla.
297
00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:30,129
Well, uh, she look like a bully, what?
298
00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:31,063
Huh?
299
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:31,797
No.
300
00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:33,733
No, she, uh, doesn't.
301
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,034
I, not at all.
302
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,236
I'm afraid that my son's been fibbing to me.
303
00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:39,772
Mr. Darwell, I'm terribly embarrassed about this.
304
00:10:39,872 --> 00:10:42,441
Oh why, just because your son fibbed a little, eh.
305
00:10:42,541 --> 00:10:44,210
What, what, what?
306
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,612
Yeah that, and I just, uh, crushed
307
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:49,382
a sour ball on your carpet.
308
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:50,316
I'm awfully sorry.
309
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:51,450
Yes.
310
00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:52,451
Well, if you'll follow me I'll see
311
00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:54,954
you safely off the premises.
312
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,322
I still think I outta go in there
313
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:57,289
and have a talk with Ritchie.
314
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,324
Oh Rob, no.
315
00:10:58,424 --> 00:10:59,325
I gave him a couple of aspirin.
316
00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:00,726
Let's not wake him up.
317
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,495
Well, they say people don't sleep well when they
318
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,163
have a lie on their conscience.
319
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:05,231
What are you doing?
320
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,366
Well, I crushed a sour ball on his carpet.
321
00:11:07,466 --> 00:11:09,168
I'm just getting rid of it.
322
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:09,902
He lying.
323
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:10,970
Ritchie is lying, honey.
324
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,005
Rob, how can you be sure?
325
00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:15,241
If you had seen that cute little Priscilla
326
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,643
you would know who was telling the truth, and her father,
327
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:19,111
he's got an English accent.
328
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:20,212
So?
329
00:11:20,312 --> 00:11:22,214
Well honey, he's a regular Bengal Lancer.
330
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,750
They don't lie.
331
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:25,685
All right.
332
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:27,219
All right.
333
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:29,221
Either, either Ritchie has made up this whole silly story,
334
00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:32,224
or it's the Gumhead Godfrey story all over again.
335
00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:33,559
Who's Gumhead Godfrey?
336
00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:35,694
Well, he's just a rotten kid that I went to high school
337
00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:37,096
with.
338
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,098
You know, he secretly put chewing gum in our hair.
339
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,366
Secretly?
340
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:42,802
Well, he put it in our caps when we weren't looking.
341
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,203
So what's that got to do with Ritchie?
342
00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:48,174
Well, one day Gumhead got me, ruined my pompadour.
343
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:51,544
I beat him up, and I told him if he told who did
344
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:52,645
it I'd beat him up even worse.
345
00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:54,213
[doorbell chimes]
346
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,115
So you think that some tough boy beat Ritchie up and then
347
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,716
made him promise not to tell.
348
00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:59,251
That's all I can figure.
349
00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:02,421
Rob, I know when my son's lying and he's not about this.
350
00:12:02,521 --> 00:12:03,723
- Huh. - Hi.
351
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,024
- Hi. - Hi, Mil.
352
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:06,492
Hey listen, did you guys find out
353
00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:07,660
who's beating up Ritchie yet?
354
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:08,828
Well, we thought we did.
355
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,029
Well, I know.
356
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:11,263
Now, I don't want to butt in, but I
357
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:12,665
think I ought to tell you. - Who is it?
358
00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,300
- Guess. - Oh, Millie!
359
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:15,601
Priscilla Darwell.
360
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,103
How do you know?
361
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:19,338
Well, my Freddy was there and he saw the whole fight.
362
00:12:19,438 --> 00:12:21,607
Well, there goes the Gumhead Godfrey theory.
363
00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:23,843
And I'm glad to see it go.
364
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:24,910
Who's Gumhead Godfrey.
365
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:25,878
How do you like that.
366
00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:27,113
He was telling the truth.
367
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:28,714
And I hope you're ashamed of yourself
368
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,382
for thinking your own son's a liar.
369
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,283
I am, honey.
370
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:32,251
Who's Gumhead Godfrey?
371
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:33,652
I'll have to speak to Ogden again.
372
00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:35,154
Good.
373
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:36,122
Maybe you can go over there tomorrow and talk to him.
374
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:37,323
Who's Ogden?
375
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,692
Boy, I hate to admit it, that little blue-eyed
376
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:41,827
miniature Ma Barker fooled me!
377
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,629
Who's Ma Barker?
378
00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:46,999
[music playing]
379
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:48,968
Boy, I'd sure like to help you,
380
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:51,036
Rob, but every time I think about this little girl beating
381
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:53,606
up your kid it breaks me up.
382
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:54,940
Breaks you up, huh.
383
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,142
That a little girl can beat up a little boy?
384
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:57,176
Yeah.
385
00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:58,110
What kind of sense of humor is that?
386
00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:00,913
Perverted.
387
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,315
Would be kind of funny if it wasn't so serious.
388
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:06,252
Rob, why don't you just come out and tell this Darwell guy?
389
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,354
Well, how do you tell an English gentleman
390
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,989
that his little girl is a bully and a liar.
391
00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:11,724
You say, (FAKES ENGLISH ACCENT) here, here governor.
392
00:13:11,824 --> 00:13:13,359
Your daughter is a bully and a liar.
393
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:19,999
Do you ever notice that when Buddy has absolutely nothing
394
00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:22,701
to say, he usually says it.
395
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:24,503
Well, but first time with an accent.
396
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:26,705
You know, I think you're making a whole thing out of nothing.
397
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:27,907
Well, so what.
398
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,241
A lot, a lot of girls hit little boys.
399
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:30,676
Gee, when I was a little kid there was one girl
400
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:31,710
beating me up all the time.
401
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:32,645
Really?
402
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:34,647
My mother.
403
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:35,581
Cut it out, Ma.
404
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:36,549
Oh, come on.
405
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,516
[phone rings]
406
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:38,784
Hey, bet that's Ogden.
407
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:39,685
You better British up.
408
00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:40,619
Yeah.
409
00:13:40,719 --> 00:13:41,554
Hello.
410
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:42,621
Oh hi, honey.
411
00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:43,956
Honey?
412
00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:44,924
Well, I knew we were friendly with England
413
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:46,692
but that's ridiculous.
414
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:47,626
Yeah.
415
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:50,696
Listen, how's Rich?
416
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:52,798
Priscilla again!
417
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,300
Oh, doggone it.
418
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,536
We gotta do something about that little league mugger.
419
00:13:57,636 --> 00:13:58,771
Good idea, honey.
420
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:00,472
No, I agree with you.
421
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:01,874
Go right ahead.
422
00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:03,209
Fine, just call me back.
423
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:04,143
All right.
424
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:06,111
Bye.
425
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:07,379
Well, my problem's solved.
426
00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:08,647
I don't have to say anything to Darwell.
427
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:09,648
Why?
428
00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:11,483
Cause Laura's gonna do it.
429
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,887
And little Ritchie came home and said Prissy hit him?
430
00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:16,288
That's right, Mrs. Darwell.
431
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:19,225
It's happened several times now so I'm a little
432
00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:20,960
upset about the whole thing.
433
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,195
Well, you have every right to be upset.
434
00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:25,764
Oh, I'm so glad you feel that way.
435
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:27,633
I was afraid you wouldn't understand.
436
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,935
Well, of course I understand.
437
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:34,139
Lying in a boy Ritchie's age can be very serious.
438
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,241
Lying?
439
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,843
But if I were you, I wouldn't punish him.
440
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:40,312
Sometimes a few sweets work wonders.
441
00:14:40,412 --> 00:14:41,714
Sweets.
442
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:45,751
Uh, Mrs. Darwell, I don't think you understand why I came here.
443
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:47,953
Oh, to talk about Ritchie and find out
444
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:49,822
why he's lying about my Prissy.
445
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:51,223
No, no.
446
00:14:51,323 --> 00:14:53,926
No, to talk about Priss-, Priscilla, and find out
447
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:55,761
why she's beating up my son.
448
00:14:55,861 --> 00:15:00,799
Oh, my little girl doesn't beat up anyone, Mrs. Petrie.
449
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:02,768
Your husband was over the other night
450
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,537
and, uh, she told him she didn't do it.
451
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:09,041
Mrs. Darwell, I don't quite know how to say this to you,
452
00:15:09,141 --> 00:15:11,810
but your daughter is lying.
453
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,013
That kid doesn't lie.
454
00:15:16,815 --> 00:15:20,319
You see, one of my neighbor's children saw her hit Ritchie,
455
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,187
Mrs. Darwell.
456
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:26,225
I don't think this bickering will get us anywhere.
457
00:15:26,325 --> 00:15:28,127
Well, I don't like to argue either,
458
00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:31,697
but I, I, maybe if I could talk to Priscilla.
459
00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:33,098
Why?
460
00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:34,900
Well, because you and I aren't settling anything--
461
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,202
Mrs. Petrie, young mothers like you
462
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:39,571
often have problems with their children,
463
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,373
but don't worry, they grow up.
464
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:42,141
[timer buzzes]
465
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:43,575
Oh, my Yorkshire pudding.
466
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,945
Do let out, dear.
467
00:15:47,046 --> 00:15:50,783
Mrs. D-, Uh.
468
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,484
Oh, uh, hello there.
469
00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:55,487
Uh, Mr. Darwell?
470
00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:58,190
Yes, are you, uh, waiting for me or my wife?
471
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,092
Uh, no, uh, your wife.
472
00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:01,860
Oh, well, uh, hang on a sec, would you.
473
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,463
Well, I--
474
00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:06,398
Hello, uh, Dolly.
475
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:14,940
Uh, I'm alone in here with a very attractive young lady.
476
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,210
Oh, is she still here?
477
00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:21,547
Yes, I'm still here, Mrs. Darwell, but I,
478
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,781
I won't be back.
479
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:24,750
Now if you and your husband can't keep your daughter
480
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,920
from beating up my son, then my husband and I will
481
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,321
have to handle it ourselves.
482
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:31,390
Oh, you must be Mrs. Petrie, what.
483
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,459
Well, I thought the whole matter was settled, you know.
484
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:34,426
It is all settled.
485
00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:36,362
Now don't say another word, Oggie.
486
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:38,230
Mrs. Petrie seems to think we teach
487
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,631
our daughter to hit people.
488
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:40,699
Well, my dear--
489
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:44,236
Don't argue with her.
490
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:48,807
I've tried to be friendly and help her, but with some people
491
00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:52,244
you just can't be nice.
492
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,645
Nice!
493
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,815
Mrs. Darwell, you may not be the rudest person I have ever met,
494
00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:59,818
but you are certainly in the top two.
495
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:02,054
[music playing]
496
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:07,259
Some people are very attractive when they're angry.
497
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:08,293
Oh.
498
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:12,264
Not her though.
499
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:17,669
So it's obvious the Darwells aren't going
500
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:19,405
to do anything about this problem, which
501
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:21,340
leaves it entirely up to us.
502
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,409
And which leaves poor little Ritchie right in the middle.
503
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,010
If he doesn't fight back Priscilla
504
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,279
is going to murder him, and he knows if he hits her back we'll
505
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,114
punish him for hitting a girl.
506
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,682
But we've tried everything else, honey.
507
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,218
I think the only thing left to do is let him hit her back.
508
00:17:33,318 --> 00:17:35,454
Oh Rob, is that really the only way?
509
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:36,588
Well, yeah.
510
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:37,923
If you, unless you want to have a free for all.
511
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,392
You and me against Ogden and Dolly.
512
00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:41,693
Oh, no.
513
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,095
Hit a girl.
514
00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,464
You mean, actually give him permission to hit her.
515
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,900
We'll tell him this is very special permission
516
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,234
for the one occasion.
517
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:50,569
Well, I guess it's the only thing we can do.
518
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:51,336
Yeah, it is.
519
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:52,871
Call him out and tell him.
520
00:17:52,971 --> 00:17:53,806
Me?
521
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,107
Why me?
522
00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:56,909
Well honey, it's a mother's place to tell
523
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,545
a little boy to hit a girl.
524
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,547
What makes it a mother's place?
525
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:04,850
The father who tells the mother that it's her place.
526
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:05,918
Darling, please do it.
527
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,052
I just can't.
528
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:08,821
All right, call your son out here.
529
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,255
Ritchie.
530
00:18:10,355 --> 00:18:11,723
What do you want, Mom?
531
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,860
Uh, honey, Daddy wants to talk to you for a minute.
532
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:15,861
Sit down, son.
533
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:20,566
Rich, uh, Priscilla is still hitting you for no reason, huh?
534
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:21,533
Uh-huh.
535
00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:23,469
And you can't, you can't avoid her?
536
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:24,770
No.
537
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:27,673
Well Rich, the next time she starts to hit you I want,
538
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,943
want you to tell her if she does you're gonna hit her back.
539
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:34,546
I always tell her that, Daddy, but she knows I won't do it.
540
00:18:34,646 --> 00:18:36,148
All right, but you tell her this time
541
00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:38,317
that if she's gonna hit you your father gave you
542
00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:40,152
permission to defend yourself.
543
00:18:40,252 --> 00:18:41,520
You mean, I can hit her?
544
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,088
Well, yeah.
545
00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:44,423
Oh, boy!
546
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:47,726
Ritchie, you don't have to be so happy about it.
547
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:50,429
Oh, boy.
548
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:53,065
Now Rich, I want you to understand one thing.
549
00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:55,801
Your mother and I have agreed that this is special permission
550
00:18:55,901 --> 00:19:00,038
for this one special occasion, and only if she starts it Rich.
551
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,041
Anything else we ever said about being a gentleman still holds.
552
00:19:03,141 --> 00:19:04,376
I understand, Daddy.
553
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:05,811
Boy, am I gonna give it to her.
554
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:07,546
Ritchie.
555
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:08,380
Oh, yeah.
556
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,716
Boy, am I gonna give it to her.
557
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:12,718
[music playing]
558
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,255
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
559
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:17,556
I came home early.
560
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:18,457
Is Rich home?
561
00:19:18,557 --> 00:19:19,758
No.
562
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:21,760
Well, I was just kind of anxious, you know, to see--
563
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:23,395
Go ahead. Say it.
564
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,931
Well, I wanted to know if our rough tough son
565
00:19:26,031 --> 00:19:28,000
would take our advice and rip a little girl to shreds.
566
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,134
Oh, god.
567
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,169
You didn't have to say it that way.
568
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,205
We did tell him not to hit her hard.
569
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:35,908
I haven't felt so guilty since I gave Buddy
570
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,509
a joke to insult Mel with.
571
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:38,844
And I shouldn't feel guilty should I?
572
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:41,480
No, Ritchie tried to turn the other cheek
573
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:44,216
but she scratched both of them.
574
00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:47,219
Rob, what happens if Ritchie hits her
575
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:49,955
and she still beats him up?
576
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:51,590
Honey, she couldn't do that.
577
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,458
I mean, Ritchie's pretty good.
578
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:55,127
You know, she's just a little girl.
579
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:58,463
I taught Rich-- we have another problem.
580
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,801
Well, I don't know whether I want him to come home
581
00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,536
the conquering hero or not.
582
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:06,038
You don't want to lose do you?
583
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,507
I don't know what I want.
584
00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:09,675
It's late.
585
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:10,876
Do you think maybe I ought to call the school?
586
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,411
Oh honey, no, you can't.
587
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:16,715
Only thing we can do is sit here and wait.
588
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:18,216
I'm gonna drive over by the school.
589
00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:20,652
I'm wanna come.
590
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:21,653
Hi, Rich!
591
00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:22,588
It's Rich!
592
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:23,589
Yeah, hi!
593
00:20:23,689 --> 00:20:24,723
Bye, I'm gonna go play with Freddy.
594
00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:26,391
Hold it!
595
00:20:26,491 --> 00:20:30,662
Uh, gee you look, uh, pretty good son, hardly a mark on you
596
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:31,730
there.
597
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:33,765
I guess you didn't see Priscilla, huh?
598
00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:35,167
Yeah, I did.
599
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:36,835
Well, did she, did she try to hit you?
600
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,170
Uh-huh.
601
00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:39,972
And then you told her you'd hit her back, huh?
602
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,473
Uh-huh.
603
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:42,941
Yeah, I'll bet that scared her and she ran away, huh?
604
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:44,309
No.
605
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:45,777
She socked me in the throat.
606
00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:48,647
She, she socked you in your throat!
607
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,148
Yeah, here.
608
00:20:50,248 --> 00:20:52,351
Well, so then you--
609
00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:53,685
No, I didn't.
610
00:20:53,785 --> 00:20:54,653
What did you do?
611
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:56,054
I kissed her.
612
00:20:56,154 --> 00:20:57,522
- You kissed her! - Uh-huh.
613
00:20:57,623 --> 00:20:59,057
Can I go play with Freddy? - Wait a minute.
614
00:20:59,157 --> 00:20:59,992
Wait.
615
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,460
You didn't hit her?
616
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,229
I tried to give her a punch, but I can't hit a girl.
617
00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:06,064
So you kissed her?
618
00:21:06,164 --> 00:21:07,366
She asked me to.
619
00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,067
She asked you to.
620
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:10,335
She asks me every day.
621
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:12,638
She says, kiss me or I'll hit you.
622
00:21:14,973 --> 00:21:17,342
Ritchie, is that why she's been hitting you
623
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:18,977
because you wouldn't kiss her?
624
00:21:19,077 --> 00:21:19,911
I guess so.
625
00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:20,912
I'll be darned.
626
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:21,880
She said she loved Ritchie.
627
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,148
I guess she does.
628
00:21:23,248 --> 00:21:25,017
Well Rich, why didn't you tell us this?
629
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,184
Oh, I forgot.
630
00:21:26,284 --> 00:21:27,252
You forgot?
631
00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:29,521
Rob, wait a minute.
632
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,090
Honey, was is it that you didn't wanna tell us?
633
00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:32,991
I guess so.
634
00:21:33,091 --> 00:21:34,559
Well, why Rich?
635
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:37,062
Oh, it's too icky to tell.
636
00:21:37,162 --> 00:21:39,264
I never kissed a girl before.
637
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:40,465
Well, you kiss Mommy.
638
00:21:40,565 --> 00:21:41,366
That's not the same.
639
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:42,434
Well, yes it is.
640
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:43,402
No, it isn't.
641
00:21:43,502 --> 00:21:45,837
Don't confuse him, honey.
642
00:21:45,937 --> 00:21:48,707
Rich, what happened when you kissed her?
643
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:49,808
It worked good.
644
00:21:49,908 --> 00:21:51,310
She said I kiss dopey.
645
00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:52,911
You kiss dopey?
646
00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:55,080
Isn't that great?
647
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:56,014
I guess so.
648
00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:58,383
I'm glad I kiss dopey.
649
00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:00,085
Can I go play with Freddy?
650
00:22:00,185 --> 00:22:02,988
Yeah honey, go ahead.
651
00:22:03,088 --> 00:22:04,189
What happened?
652
00:22:04,289 --> 00:22:06,458
I don't know.
653
00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:08,493
I guess it's all over, huh?
654
00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:10,395
How do you kiss dopey?
655
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:11,763
Don't you know how to kiss dopey?
656
00:22:11,863 --> 00:22:12,698
No.
657
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:14,032
I'll show you how to kiss dopey.
658
00:22:14,132 --> 00:22:15,100
Come here. - Oh, Rob.
659
00:22:18,704 --> 00:22:21,506
Millie, if you do see him will you send him right home?
660
00:22:21,606 --> 00:22:23,508
No, it's just that whenever he comes home late
661
00:22:23,608 --> 00:22:25,010
he comes home bloody.
662
00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:27,512
The later the bloodier.
663
00:22:27,612 --> 00:22:28,447
Hang on just a second.
664
00:22:28,547 --> 00:22:30,082
I think I hear him.
665
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,217
No, it's just Rob.
666
00:22:32,317 --> 00:22:33,218
Just Rob?
667
00:22:33,318 --> 00:22:35,020
I'll call you back, Millie.
668
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:36,521
- Hi, honey. - Hi.
669
00:22:36,621 --> 00:22:37,923
What's the matter?
670
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:40,092
Rob, Ritchie was supposed to be home an hour ago.
671
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,626
Well, it's still early.
672
00:22:41,727 --> 00:22:43,028
Yeah, I know, except that I told him to come right home
673
00:22:43,128 --> 00:22:45,297
from school because I wanted him to take a bath
674
00:22:45,397 --> 00:22:46,932
and I wanted to shampoo his hair.
675
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:47,766
Bath and shampoo.
676
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:48,867
He may never come home, honey.
677
00:22:48,967 --> 00:22:50,335
Yeah.
678
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:52,370
Run for the bathroom if you value your life.
679
00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:55,040
Ritchie, come here this mi--
680
00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:56,408
Ritchie, you're bleeding.
681
00:22:56,508 --> 00:22:57,776
Have you been fighting again?
682
00:22:57,876 --> 00:22:59,478
Ritchie, with whom? What about?
683
00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:00,679
Priscilla.
684
00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:01,880
You've been fighting with Priscilla?
685
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:03,982
No, about Priscilla.
686
00:23:04,082 --> 00:23:05,450
What?
687
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:07,085
She told three guys that I kissed her so they call
688
00:23:07,185 --> 00:23:08,653
me a sissy and I beat them up.
689
00:23:08,754 --> 00:23:10,122
You, uh, you beat three guys up?
690
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:11,089
Rob!
691
00:23:11,189 --> 00:23:12,090
Ritchie, that's terrible.
692
00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,495
That rotten old Priscilla.
693
00:23:16,595 --> 00:23:17,796
I hate her.
694
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:19,431
Rich, I want you to understand and listen
695
00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:20,932
to what I'm saying to you now.
696
00:23:21,032 --> 00:23:24,202
Someday when you're a big boy, some girl
697
00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:27,105
is gonna want to kiss you and you're not gonna hate her,
698
00:23:27,205 --> 00:23:29,508
and she's gonna kiss you and you're gonna like it.
699
00:23:29,608 --> 00:23:30,876
I like it now.
700
00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:32,244
You do?
701
00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:34,780
Yeah, it's fun.
702
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,984
I just hate Priscilla for telling everybody.
703
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:40,786
Come on, Rich.
704
00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:43,288
Uh, honey, I think that boy's old enough
705
00:23:43,388 --> 00:23:44,756
to shampoo his own hair.
706
00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:53,064
[MUSIC PLAYING - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]
48197
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