All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E16

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[laughter]

Quiet, you guys.

If you're laughing, this guy will hear you.

It'll spoil everything. - Shh.

Let me hook up the phone.

I want to make sure so we can play the tape back

later when he's all through.

Don't you know that wiretapping is illegal?

It's OK.

If you don't turn us in, nobody will know.

Hello.

Madam Guy's Flower Shop.

Good.

I called you because you're the biggest flower shop in town.

Do you have any cooking chrysanthemums?

I'm with the State Department, and we're throwing a big dinner

for the Shah of Zolzai.

That's right the Zolzai Shah.

[laughs]

If the shah doesn't get his chrysanthemum stew,

it might mean the break up of diplomatic relations.

You don't have any cooking chrysanthemums?

Well, nuts to the shah.

We'll give him a hot dog.

That's beautiful.

Hey, Buddy.

Let's play it back. - Yeah.

Yeah Yeah. No, wait a minute.

I'll do another one. - Now look.

Will you stop tying up my phone with that nonsense?

Some guy might be trying to call me to elope.

All right.

Then instead I got a treat for everybody.

Oh, you're going home?

Mel, I forgot you were here.

Now, we can play pin the tail on the donkey.

Hey, Buddy, do another one.

No, no, no, no.

Instead, my pal Phil Franklin is going to make the next call.

Hey!

Now, for the uninformed, Phil is by day my accountant,

and by night the greatest practical joker

in the business. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, what shall it be?

Shall I call the pet shop or the corset shop?

Hey, call Rob.

Rob who?

Rob Petrie, my pal. Go ahead.

Oh, yeah, yeah. OK.

What should I do?

Do the one that I tried on you.

Oh yeah, yeah.

The telephone repairman.

This is a lulu.

You know, the phone company is probably going to come

out and rip out my area code.

Sal, come on.

You're pooping your own party. - Yeah.

What party?

I should have held this one in a phone booth.

Now, look. Nobody laugh.

You understand?

No matter what happens, I'll play

the tapes back for you later.

OK?

You want some chopped liver?

Sally, will you stop hostessing?

All right. I'm out of it.

I am too. I'll eat your liver.

[phone ringing]

Oh, Rob.

I've got to see the ending.

Would you get it please?

Well, honey.

I want to see the end of it myself.

Hold on.

[gunfire on tv]

They shot all the suspects.

Who did it?

The victim.

I might have known he wasn't dead.

Well, it's a cheap--

that's it.

I'm calling the network.

That is the worst.

You want some coffee?

Yeah.

Hello.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Oh, that's all right.

Is this New Rochelle 69970?

Yes, it is.

Who's this?

Mr. Murdoch, emergency repair division.

Are you Mr. Petrie? - That's right.

What can I do for you?

Say, have you used your telephone

within the last hour or so?

Uh, no, as a matter of fact, I haven't.

Why?

[giggles] Mr. Petrie, some people have called us and said

they tried to reach you and reported

your telephone out of order.

Really?

Seems to be working all right now.

Well, that's what we're checking on, sir.

Well, thank you very much.

It seems to be all right now.

Well, it's probably an overcrowded trunk line.

Yeah, probably.

PHIL (ON PHONE): If you have any trouble

just get in touch with Murdoch.

That's me.

Murdoch in the service division.

All right.

You bet.

Bye. Uh.

Mr. Murdoch, you still there?

PHIL (ON PHONE): Yes.

What's that noise?

What noise?

[tapping]

Well, it's like a tapping or clicking, or something.

Don't you hear it?

Gee.

I sure don't.

It's sure not on this end.

I see.

Could you describe it to me?

Well, it's just a tapping.

I see.

What does it sound like?

ROB (ON PHONE): Well--

dah, dah, dah.

Dah-- it's-- this may be a little crazy, Mr. Murdoch.

It sounds like the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

You know, (HUMMING) dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

Dah, dah, dah.

Yes, I know.

I know the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

ROB (ON PHONE): [laughs] This is a little crazy.

No, not really.

Electrical impulses have definite rhythms, you know?

Well, listen.

I certainly don't want this noise on my phone.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Of course, you don't

want that noise on your phone.

Would you mind trying something?

It might save us a trip.

ROB (ON PHONE): Sure.

Hold the receiver in your right hand.

As I assume you are now.

Well, no.

I'm left-handed.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Well, that's just as good.

Now, with-- with the other hand pick up

the base of the instrument and shake it vigorously

while holding it above your head.

What-- what is that going to do?

It will jar your 2246.

My 2246?

Yeah, your audio filament.

[tapping]

How am I doing?

Fine, fine.

Just keep on going.

Keep going.

Hey, I think it stopped.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Keep going.

Keep on doing that.

Darling?

Hm?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm jar--

jarring the double-- the filament, honey.

The phone's out of order.

I'm just talking to a repairman.

Hello there. What's happening?

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh--

[tapping]

Hey, I think it's back.

What do I do now? - Well, nothing.

But thanks for trying. We'll send a man over.

Goodbye. Except--

Except what?

--well, I'd hate to trouble you.

But if we can try just one more thing.

ROB (ON PHONE): What is it?

Well, if you notice the earpiece

unscrews counterclockwise.

Uh.

Yeah.

Well, unscrew the earpiece.

Sometimes the lead and terminal wires get

unhooked, or loose as we say.

OK.

Just a second.

OK. It's off.

Good. Good.

Now pull out the audio sensor.

Uh.

Is that a little round disc?

Say, sir.

You sure know your telephone.

Well, the-- the lead and the terminal

wire just seem to be fine.

I still hear it.

Uh-huh.

Well, now try the mouthpiece. - Uh, OK.

Just a second.

OK.

It's off.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Uh-huh.

Now, take out the other round disc.

Will you? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh.

It's off now.

It was off, but it's on again, so you can hear me.

But to all intents and purposes, it's off.

Good.

Good.

Uh, now, do you hear it?

No. No.

I think we did it. - Good.

Good. Good.

That's wonderful.

Now, now, lay it all on the table in front of you

for a few seconds, will you? - Right.

Right.

What do I do now?

All right.

Now, now, turn the base over.

Now, you see that little grill?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, there may be a little dust on your loud soft.

Loud soft?

PHIL (ON PHONE): Yeah. Yeah.

The modulator.

Just blow hard on it.

There might be some dust in there.

Well, I don't understand.

How could that cause the tapping?

Gee, Mr. Petrie, if we knew the answer to that,

we could save the telephone company millions.

OK.

[blows] How's that?

Just keep blowing.

He's got the phone apart on the table, Buddy.

You're a genius.

[blowing]

PHIL (ON PHONE): Keep going.

Blow on the bottom.

What are you doing now?

Blowing on the phone, honey.

[blowing]

Uh, I don't hear that tapping now.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Screw back the mouthpiece, Mr. Petrie.

Will you? - OK.

Honey, I think I fixed the phone here.

[mutters] No, there it is.

Mr. Murdoch, there.

I guess we did it.

Petrie, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm here.

Mr. Petrie!

He can't hear me.

Mr. Murdoch!

Mr. Murdoch, I think I've broken the phone.

Why'd you take it apart in the first place?

The whole thing's ridiculous.

Honey, you don't understand mechanical stuff.

Murdoch!

Talk louder, Mr. Petrie.

I can't talk any louder.

Honey, go in the kitchen.

Maybe he can hear you on that phone.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Gee.

I guess you must have broken something, Mr. Petrie.

We'll get someone out there first thing in the morning.

Good night. - Hey, tonight.

I'd like to have it fixed tonight.

We could try one more thing.

Well, what now?

PHIL (ON PHONE): Can you speak up?

I'm screaming now.

Oh.

Honey, is that you?

PHIL (ON PHONE): What?

I'm talking to my wife.

Honey, is that you?

Yes, darling.

You could stop the screaming.

Mr. Murdoch, can you hear her?

Who?

Forget it.

I think I must have broken something.

I think it's my spleen actually.

Rob, darling, why don't you just have them

send someone over?

Honey, please.

PHIL (ON PHONE): Listen, Mr. Petrie, will

you get some facial tissue?

Facial tissue?

What else?

Get a nylon stocking, some hairspray,

and a brown paper bag.

Really?

Now, now, put all the stuff--

the phone and everything-- put it in the bag.

Yeah. Then what?

Go out on your lawn.

Swing it over your head and scream like a chicken.

[laughter]

ROB: Who is this?

- Are you going to do it? - Of course not.

Gee.

I thought a jerk like you would do anything.

[laughter]

Perfect.

Perfect.

It worked perfect. - Hello.

Hello.

Who is this?

It's me, Buddy.

Buddy?

BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah.

I'm going to kill you.

- Hi, Buddy. - Hi, Laura.

Laura, did you hear?

Did you hear?

Oh, yes, I heard.

Buddy, who's laughing there?

Where are you? - I'm at Sally's.

At the party.

Is everybody there?

Well, everybody except you.

Now, we got you on tape.

OK, boy.

You just go ahead and have your little fun.

Yeah. We're having.

We're having. Hey, see you tomorrow, Rob.

- Oh, no, you won't. - Well, why?

Aren't you coming in? - Yeah.

I am. But you're not.

You're fired.

That's the sore loser's way of getting even.

I'll think of something better.

It's going to have to do for now.

Goodbye, Buddy.

BUDDY (ON PHONE): [laughing]

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

I just got a picture of you standing on the lawn

screaming like a chicken.

You watch it.

Thought a jerk like you would doing it.

That's what I was, all right.

I was a jerk.

- Oh, Rob, no, you weren't. - All right then.

What was I?

Well, you were funny.

No.

I was-- I was a jerk. Go ahead.

Say it.

Rob, you were a jerk.

Thank you very much.

Oh, if I could think of a clever joke right now, would

I pull it on Buddy.

You would not.

Why wouldn't I?

Because you're known far and wide as a good sport.

You know something?

Sometimes a good sport is nothing

more than just a good actor.

I wonder how Buddy would feel and how

he'd react if he was on the receiving end of one of those.

Darling, are you talking yourself

into getting even with Buddy?

I think so.

After all the sermons you've delivered listing

the evils of practical jokes?

Oh, I wouldn't do it for the fun of it.

No, you'd be doing it for a good cause.

That's right.

Revenge.

Yes.

How do you make a stink bomb?

Good morning.

Hi, Rob.

Good morning, rats.

Oh, now wait a minute.

I had nothing to do with it.

Did you laugh?

I fell on the floor.

Well, then, you're a rat.

Hey, Rob, you're not really sore, are you?

Nah.

I would like to hear the tape though.

Soon as I get it back.

From where?

Down at the rehearsal hall.

The cast and the crew are listening to it.

Oh, you are a sweetheart.

Boy, some day, Buddy. - Yeah.

Yeah.

I know.

Oh, incidentally your wife called.

- Pickles called? - Yeah.

Uh-huh.

She wants you to call her back.

She wants you to meet her at lunchtime.

Mhm.

Probably wants me to meet her in the middle of a lake

in Central Park or something.

No. No.

She said she found a great place to buy antique cracker barrels.

And if you can't meet her to call her at that number

there before 12:00 noon.

Rob, you can't get away with this.

I'm not going to fall for that.

No, it's no joke.

Call her.

All right.

I'll humor you.

You sure? - No.

Go ahead, call her.

It's your wife. - All right.

I'll give you the satisfaction, but I

know it ain't going to work.

Don't satisfy me.

It's your wife.

Hello.

Hi, is Mrs. Sorrell there?

Sure, I'll wait.

Hey, you know, he's cute?

Hey, Rob, you're cute.

Hello, Pickles?

What'd you hang up for?

Who wants to talk to her?

Buddy, that was really Pickles.

I know.

You think I'd hang up on a stranger?

She's over at the beauty parlor under the dryer.

I'll call her later.

Hey, Buddy, wasn't it a gag?

No.

It wasn't any gag, but I guarantee

you he's planning a beauty.

No.

No.

Buddy, when I finally play a practical joke on you,

it will be so diabolically clever it'll

take you a year to recover.

Say, you're really going to try something, huh?

No, no.

Well, don't worry about it.

I won't do anything to hurt you anyway.

Eh.

I probably won't do anything. - Come on.

Let's get down to work.

Uh-huh.

Sally, is he or isn't he?

I don't know.

Is you, Rob?

Come on. Let's be fair.

If I know something's coming, I'll worry.

But if I don't know, I'll go nuts.

Oh?

Congratulations, General Custer.

You just sold some guns to the Indians.

[laughs]

[sarcastic laugh] You know you're vicious?

Sally, you know he's vicious? - Hey, Rob.

You're vicious.

Oh yeah.

Let's get down to work, shall we?

Rob, I promise you.

I can't be funny if I'm nervous.

Watch it.

What?

You're going to sit on the coffee.

Oh.

Dig that rank amateur.

Buddy!

Well, you just ruined my coffee.

And I don't think you're going to be

too choked up about what happened to your prune Danish

either.

PHIL (ON TAPE): Swing it over your head

and scream like a chicken.

ROB (ON TAPE): Who is this?

PHIL (ON TAPE): You going to do it?

ROB (ON TAPE): Of course not. PHIL (ON TAPE): Gee.

I thought a jerk like you would do anything.

Boy.

I got to admit, that Buddy's a clever rat anyway.

Well, at least, he was nice enough to give you a tape.

A copy of the tape.

He made copies?

Honey, do you realize how valuable this tape

is to Buddy if he ever runs against me for president?

You're right.

You should have taken a picture of him

sitting on Sally's danish.

[laughs] You know, he spent the whole

day today at the office in a panic

just waiting for me to strike.

I did nothing.

Nothing?

Well, I sat and smiled at him a lot.

That's not nothing.

Honey, you know the best way in the world

to teach Buddy a good lesson--

You mean get even with him?

No, no.

Teach him a lesson.

The best thing to do is to do absolutely nothing to him

but just keep telling them that I'm going to do nothing.

He won't believe you.

And it'll drive him nuts.

I'll call him now and tell him I'll do nothing.

You can't call him now.

It's too late.

You'll probably wake him up.

Good.

You know there's a little bit of a monster in you?

[chuckles] (FUNNY ACCENT) After all,

my dear, nobody's perfect.

Look.

If Rob said he's not going to do anything,

he's not going to do anything.

Yeah.

Any time a guy calls you in the middle of the night

to say he ain't going to do anything rotten to you,

he's going to do something rotten.

He better get some sort of satisfaction.

Besides, I think that's very funny.

Oh, you think it's funny to have somebody call

you in the middle of the night? - No.

I think it's very funny for somebody

to call you in the middle of the night.

Thank you.

Good morning, gang.

I'm not part of your gang.

Hey, Rob, he doesn't believe you.

He's mad.

Well, well, I brought a little peace offering.

There you are.

All for you, Mrs. Jelly's Donuts.

They're all yours.

You think I'm going to open that box?

Buddy, I told you last night.

I'm not going to do anything.

Honest, I mean it.

I don't believe you.

All right.

Sal, what are those?

Jelly donuts.

They look like jelly donuts, but they're probably

full of Chinese mustard.

Oh, boy.

All right.

I'll prove it to you.

Delicious. - Sure.

That's the good one.

The other two got the poison in them.

Sal, would you test one for the king please?

I'm going off my diet for you, but OK.

Hm.

Very good. - There.

Yeah.

Those two are all right.

That's the one with the poison.

Boy, oh boy.

All right.

See?

Delicious.

Now, am I your friend?

What kind of a friend are you?

You bring me three jelly donuts, and you eat them yourself.

Buddy, I sincerely hope that someday

someone catches you, but good.

But I promise you it's not going to be me.

Would you put that in writing?

My word isn't good enough for you?

No.

- Rob, are you busy? - No.

What is it, Mel?

Alan would like to see you in his office for a few minutes?

Does he want Buddy and Sally?

Oh, we don't need Sally this time.

Him, we never need.

That's right.

He's preoccupied.

Keep him that way.

In the meantime, would you try to convince Mr. Fear here

he has nothing to fear but himself?

Did you hear that, Mr. Fear?

You have nothing to fear but you.

Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.

Hm?

Any time a guy spends that much time

trying to convince you, he must be setting me up for a dandy.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Yeah, just a minute.

For you, Buddy.

Huh?

Oh, Marge, hiya.

Oh yeah?

Say that again.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Good.

Well, send him on back here.

And say hello to Rob for me.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, sure.

You know.

[laughs] The amateur, Rob Petrie, is about to strike.

SALLY: What?

You know who he's sending back here?

A guy from the Internal Revenue Service.

So?

So?

His name is Handlebuck, William Handlebuck.

Oh, you think Rob is--

Come on.

Come on.

The Internal Revenue, William Handlebuck.

It's got to be a gag.

Well, I got to admit it sounds hokey, but who knows?

I know.

Look.

Maybe this guy is legit, Buddy.

And if it's one of Rob's gags, he'd want to be here,

wouldn't he?

Rob's only a beginner.

He thinks he has to get out of the office to avoid suspicion.

Oh, I'm sorry he's going to miss this one.

Miss what?

The way I handle Handlebuck.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Buddy.

This guy may be legitimate.

Come on.

With a name like Handlebuck.

Oh, how do you do?

Mr. Sorrell.

Uh, Mr. Handlebar.

Buck.

Oh, yes.

Sally Rogers, Mr. Buck Handlebar.

No, no.

William, William Handlebuck, Miss Rogers.

SALLY: How do you do? - Oh yeah.

Buck Rogers.

Come right over here.

Yes, sir. - Well, thank you.

As you know, I'm from the Internal Revenue Service.

It's somewhat unusual for me to make a call like this.

I was expecting you.

I have here your income tax return from last year.

Naturally.

And there are several things which we'd like to check on.

Well, I uh--

I knew it was just a matter of time.

Time?

Yeah.

I knew you'd catch up with me sooner or later.

Well, it was hardly a matter of catching

up with you, Mr. Sorrell.

Well, might as well tell you I haven't

had a good night's sleep since April 15, when

I handed in that pack of lies.

This is somewhat irregular.

Well, what do you expect from a cheat and a fraud?

I bet nobody ever confessed this soon before.

Confessing?

All I wanted to know was--

Well, look.

Let's get to the whole truth, sir.

I lied about those expenses, and there's

a little matter of $2,000 there that I didn't report.

You didn't?

And I'm not married.

So that $600 deduction, that's a phony too.

Rob, you got here just in time.

They're about to take me away.

Huh?

Yeah, Mr. Handlebuck here from the Internal Revenue.

He came to arrest me.

- What's going on here? - Yeah.

What's going on here?

SALLY: Oh, come on, Rob.

It didn't work.

[laughs] - See.

Mr. Handlebuck, I'll even write out

the whole thing for the government, how I cheated.

It didn't work.

Uh, Mr. Handlebuck, I think there's

been a little mistake here.

I hope so.

Rob, it's impolite to interrupt a confession.

Hey, Rob.

I didn't.

Honest, I didn't.

Mr. Handlebuck, I don't believe he

realizes that you are Mr. Handlebuck of the Bureau

of Internal Revenue.

I suppose you got your credentials too, huh?

Well, of course.

Buddy, this is no joke.

Uh, cheating the government is never a joke.

There you are.

Well, isn't that nice?

William Handlebuck.

[laughs]

Buddy.

- That does it! - Oh, no.

Wait a minute.

Let's get rid of this too while we're at it.

- Oh, Buddy! - Don't do that.

Happy New Year!

Mr. Sorrell, you're in a lot of trouble.

Hey, how about a bribe?

Oh, that's all.

You'll hear from us directly.

Mr. Handlebuck, wait a minute.

He thinks that I sent you, you see.

Please, mister. You don't understand.

- I understand perfectly. - Beautiful.

Beautiful.

What a performance.

Buddy, you're in trouble.

Mr. Handlebuck!

Ow.

Excuse me, lady.

What happened, Rob?

Well, he got on the elevator, and I busted my leg on a lady.

Hey, you guys were beautiful.

You're pert near as good an actor as that hokey Handlebar.

Buddy, what do I have to do to convince you you're in trouble?

Come on, Rob. You tried.

Forget it. Forget it.

I'll sign a sworn statement.

I'll-- we don't need my signature.

We got yours.

Wait a sec.

Where is it?

There we are.

Look at that.

Hey, that's my return, my tax return.

Mm-hmm.

With your signature on it.

Well, how did he get ahold of it?

This is government property.

Maybe he works for the government.

Will you stop that pacing?

You look like the little man in the shooting gallery.

I can't help it.

I'm upset.

Buddy, Handlebuck must have realized something was wrong,

or he wouldn't have called back.

I don't know about those guys.

You can't trust those honest fellows.

Will you at least trust me that I'm

not trying to get you, Buddy?

Oh yeah.

[phone ringing]

Yeah, Marge.

OK. Good.

Send him up.

All right.

Now, remember, Buddy.

Guys like Handlebuck don't have much of a sense of humor.

Oh, boy, there's no argument about that.

[knocking on door]

Let me do the talking please.

OK.

Well, Mr. Handlebuck, come right in.

Thank you.

As I told you on the telephone,

Mr. Sorrell here, he's, um, thought you were

actually an actor, you see.

But I told you all that on the phone.

Well, I believe you.

And there's a matter of destroying

his income tax form though.

Well, if there's any penalties or anything like that, sir,

I'll be glad to pay it.

I didn't mean it, honest.

- I know that. - Yeah.

He's a good boy.

May I uh--

may I have the torn form please?

BUDDY: There you are, sir.

I'll be glad to do anything, anything.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

Well, this shouldn't be too complicated.

We'll take this form, tape it together.

Then you make out a new form, copying this one exactly.

Yes, sir. I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Then put both forms in a paper bag,

wave it over your head, and (HIGH-PITCHED)

scream like a chicken.

[laughter]

[shouting]

You, you're the guy.

You helped Rob get me.

You gave him my tax return.

Just a reasonable facsimile.

And I didn't help anybody.

I got you myself for myself.

Oh!

Great job, Mr. Handlebuck.

Why are you shaking hands?

I knew it all the time.

OK.

Now, what was that last sentence?

I promise I will get Phil Franklin if it's

the last thing I ever do.

Signed, Buddy Sorrell.

You don't have to put it in writing, Buddy.

I was right about one thing.

When you're on the receiving end,

you're not such a good sport.

Yeah.

What bugs me it was such a rotten gag.

He never would have caught me if I wasn't so

worried about you catching me.

Well, that's how I caught you.

I mean, I knew you were so worried about Rob that I set

it up to look like he did it. - Sure.

Sure.

And you knew I'd see through it and do exactly what I did.

Uh-huh.

- Ah, that was brilliant, Phil. - Yeah.

Who got a pen?

Got a pen? - Oh, here, here.

Use mine. - Oh, no.

None of those trick pens.

I put it in there.

You did?

[theme music]