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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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OK, there you go.
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Hey, Marge, would you tell Mel that the monster
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sketch is all finished?
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Tell Mel he's finished.
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All right now.
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All right, come on, where's my red pencil?
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Dog-- Hey, what's this?
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Well, either it's a rose or your red pencil is blooming.
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Oh, who put it--
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Rob, you did, how sweet of you.
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Hey, hold it, I don't know anything about it.
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I didn't put it there, honest.
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Well, if you didn't, then who did?
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Wait a minute, you know, I'm capable of doing
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something nice too.
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Buddy, you did.
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Aw, muah.
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No, I didn't.
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- Who sent it? - I don't know.
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I wish we had thought of it, but we didn't.
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I think you've got a secret admirer.
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A secret admirer?
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Yeah, you know, like those guys who send
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a dozen roses to chorus girls.
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Yeah, but I'm not a chorus girl.
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That's why you only got one.
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Was there a note with it, Sal?
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I don't think so.
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Wait a minute, let me look.
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Nope.
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No, no.
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Maybe there's something written on the stem.
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Come on, now, one of you guys sent it, right?
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Now, just a second, maybe that rose
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was meant for Rob or for me.
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Oh, come on, they don't send roses to fellas.
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Yeah, that's right, a rose is kind of a sissy flower.
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Are there mainly flowers?
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Why sure, there's snapdragons, tiger lilies, stinkweed.
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Oh, Buddy, come on.
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Crab grass, jonquils.
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Hey, wait a minute.
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This rose does have kind of a manly smell about it.
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What is that, Buddy?
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Pastrami.
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Yeah, that's what it is, it's pastrami.
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Well, there's our first clue.
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My secret admirer loves pastrami.
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Either that or this rose was pollinated by a kosher bee.
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Somebody loves me, I wonder who.
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(SINGING) La, dah, dah, dah, dum.
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I thought you were going into a song.
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Come on, Buddy, we don't help her figure this thing out,
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we're not gonna get any work done.
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Hey, you know something?
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Nobody sent that rose, it grew right there in the drawer.
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It grew there?
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Yeah, one day you were eating sunflower seeds
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and you accidentally dropped one right in the corner
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where the dirt is and it grew there.
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A rose from a sunflower seed?
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It's dark in there.
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How do they know what they're doing?
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Hey, there he is, the guy with enough forehead for four heads.
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Look, I don't have any time for your insults.
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We can do it later.
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How about right after lunch, 3:30?
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Rob, Marge said--
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How about right after my nap, 4:30?
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- The sk-- - 6 o'clock?
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The sketch was ready.
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Just in time to spoil your dinner.
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Mel, Mel, you have a garden, don't you?
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It's my hobby.
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Do you know anything about that?
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Well, yes, it's a rose.
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We should have called him earlier.
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Well, we might as well finish the other sketch after lunch.
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What happened to the sandwiches we ordered?
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They ought to be here by now.
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Hey, maybe it was some Latin American millionaire,
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you know, he had his chauffeur crash in at night
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and put the rose in my desk.
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- Lunch for the bunch. - Hey, hey.
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- Oh, great! - How are you?
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How am I?
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How should I be?
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You should be rich with the prices you charge.
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Yeah, sure, well, what other place sends up
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the boss with the food?
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You call Toots Shor, you don't get Toots Shor.
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You call Bert Monker's Delicatessen,
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you get Bert Monker.
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Hey, maybe Rock Hudson sent it.
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Ah, I see my beloved got her rose.
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Hey, wait a minute, you know something about that rose?
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Well, why shouldn't I know something about the rose?
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Bert, why do you always answer a question with a question?
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Do I?
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Bert, did you say you know about who left the rose here?
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Did you see the guy?
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It was a little token of love to the Cleopatra of comedy,
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from the Caesar of sandwiches; to the Juliet
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of jokes from the Romeo of rye.
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No?
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Don't you know who?
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You?
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Of course it was me.
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Didn't anybody else remember our anniversary?
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Anniversary?
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Ah, it's not from Rock Hudson.
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What is Rock Hudson gonna give you?
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Heartache.
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Yeah, what do we get from your sandwiches?
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Heart burn.
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You know, all morning long I've
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been trying to figure out what I'm going to wear when I elope.
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And it just turns out to be another one of Bert's jokes.
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Joke?
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You call an anniversary a joke?
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Anniversary?
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Whose anniversary is it?
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Ours, darling.
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From the top of the barrel.
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Our anniversary?
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Exactly one year ago today, this lovely lady
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came into my place and whispered these sweet words that
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will live forever in my heart.
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Pastrami with mustard, please.
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How do you remember that?
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You're the only one who ever said, please.
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Aw.
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Oh, the mystery is solved and I
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kind of wish the butler did it.
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Hey, Sally, you want these guys
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to think you don't love me?
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Oh, you know I do.
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Well, now wait a minute, the anniversary isn't over yet.
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I got another present for you.
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Oh, what's this?
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Probably a free ticket on a salami raffle.
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It's a ticket to a play.
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One of the customers gave it to me.
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My luck, I gotta have such high-class clientele.
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Nobody ever gives me a ticket to the ballgame.
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Yeah, I know.
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I lose my handsome stranger, and I'll wind up going to a play
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alone.
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"Waiting for an Armadillo?"
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That's the title of a play.
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Laura and I were talking about that play.
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She wants to see it.
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It's supposed to be very avant garde.
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Avant garde?
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That's French for Off Broadway garbage.
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Just because it's a little offbeat
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doesn't make it garbage.
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I understand it's so wild, you can't even
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understand the intermission.
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Listen, Bert, I hate to take your ticket.
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Why don't you go?
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Me go?
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Well, if it was "South Pacific" maybe, but "Waiting
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for an Armor-adillo?"
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Come on, Bert, you might like that far out stuff.
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Yeah, I saw the New York Mets play five times last year.
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That's far out enough for me.
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You go, Sally.
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All right, Bert, I think I will.
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Thank you very, very much.
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Don't thank me.
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All I have is yours for the asking.
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I would gladly give you anything I can.
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Well, what can I do for you?
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Pay me for the lunch.
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OK, fellas, come on.
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Your day, Sal.
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Your turn.
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Just one of my lucky days, right?
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There you go, Bert.
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And thank you very, very much for the rose.
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Did you really like it?
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Like it?
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I'm gonna take this rose home and crush it between two
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pieces of rye bread.
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Yeah, I'll-- I'll supply the rye bread.
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But I'll see you tomorrow, Sally.
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Yeah.
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Get it?
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Oh, got it.
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Bye, Bert.
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Bye.
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And I thought I had a secret admirer.
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Sal, I think you have.
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Oh, come on, he's kidding.
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That's the story of my life.
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I'm surrounded by funny guys.
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You know, just once, just once I'd
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like to meet a guy who only knew one punch
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line, "will you marry me?"
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That's a straight line.
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I'll take it.
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No, I mean it. I mean it.
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I don't care, even if he's not in show business
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or knows nothing about comedy, he's
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a dull, bland, unfunny guy.
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Don't just stand there, volunteer.
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Hey, Mel, is that our sketch?
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Did Alan crumple those?
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Yeah, it's Alan's crumple.
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Did he crumple those all at once or one at a time?
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One at a time.
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That's bad.
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Now, he wants you to write another sketch,
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even if you have to work tonight.
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And when you finish it, drop it off at his penthouse.
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I'd like to drop you off at his penthouse.
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Rob, I know you've heard me say this before, but yuck.
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There he goes, the only office boy with a key
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to the executive washroom.
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Well, I guess I'll call Laura and tell
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her to start dinner without me.
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I better call Pickles and tell her
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to start fighting without me.
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Yeah, yeah, listen, and that armadillo had
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better not wait for me either.
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Why don't you call Laura?
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Maybe she'd like the ticket to the play.
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Yeah that's a good idea.
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Better to call up and say, hey, honey would you
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like to see a play, instead of, hey honey
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I won't be home for dinner. - Yeah.
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[music playing]
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Boo!
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Who are you?
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Who are you?
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I'm the person sitting here and you're in the wrong seat.
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That's certainly no reason to scare me.
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197, that's the number on my seat and on my ticket.
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Well, how could you have that seat?
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Well, I do.
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Where'd you get that ticket?
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I got it--
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that's none of your business.
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And if you don't stop bothering me,
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I'm just going to have to call the usher.
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I don't-- I'm not blaming you, lady.
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They probably sold the same ticket twice.
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But when my girl comes, you'll have to get out of that seat.
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Because I got 196 and she's got 197.
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Sorry.
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Lady, would you get up a minute?
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This is my seat.
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I know, but you're sitting on my rose.
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I beg your pardon.
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Miss, do you think it would be possible
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for me to change my seat?
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I'm sorry, ma'am, but every seat is sold.
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Yeah, except that--
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Sh, sh, it's starting.
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[drums sounding]
266
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,483
What are you complaining about?
267
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,952
I had a big evening planned, and I
268
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:48,421
wind up the next to a stranger holding a crushed rose.
269
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:49,455
Sh.
270
00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:51,624
Oh, mind your own section.
271
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,659
She's gonna miss the whole thing.
272
00:09:56,595 --> 00:09:59,432
She's gonna miss the overture.
273
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:00,466
She missed it.
274
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:04,236
Yes, no, Yes, no.
275
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,539
Is the world ready for me?
276
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:07,940
I could live without you.
277
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:13,312
Up, down, yes, no, shall I stay or shall I go?
278
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:14,246
ACTOR 1: Go!
279
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:15,281
Good deal.
280
00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:21,654
Lady, where did you get that ticket?
281
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,923
From my husband.
282
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:25,391
ACTOR 2: Let's wait in the barrel.
283
00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:27,360
ACTOR 3: No, never, we're not allowed in the barrel.
284
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,128
That's where the armor-adillo is.
285
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:33,099
I can't understand it.
286
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:34,700
You know, you give a girl a free ticket.
287
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,402
Will you please sh.
288
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,571
I'm trying to hear the actors.
289
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:41,340
Why?
290
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,642
Up, down, yes, no.
291
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:44,677
Oh, boy.
292
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:46,045
Shall I stay or shall I go?
293
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:49,415
No, no, this time, you stay, I'll go.
294
00:10:49,515 --> 00:10:50,349
ACTOR 1: What have you?
295
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:51,250
What have you?
296
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:52,985
I have come with it.
297
00:10:53,085 --> 00:10:55,287
ACTOR 1: And you will die with it.
298
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:56,322
Bang, bang!
299
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:57,423
[thud]
300
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:15,641
What!
301
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,143
Rob, what are you doing in the closet?
302
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,844
I was just putting the typewriter away.
303
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:20,312
What time did you get home?
304
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:21,347
Oh, about an hour ago.
305
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:22,915
How was the play?
306
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,084
The play was pretty bad, but the audience was even worse.
307
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:26,919
Well, they don't write 'em the way they used to.
308
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,387
There was a man sitting next to me
309
00:11:28,487 --> 00:11:31,190
who would not leave me alone.
310
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:32,658
What?
311
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:34,593
That is the last time you ever go out alone.
312
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:35,895
You're too pretty.
313
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:37,763
No, I'm not and it wasn't that way at all.
314
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,365
He must have been over 50.
315
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:40,266
I don't care.
316
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,200
That's the worst kind.
317
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,803
They grab from memory.
318
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,538
Darling, he wasn't a masher.
319
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:46,972
He was just a big nuisance.
320
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,774
He kept talking all through the whole first scene.
321
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,709
Oh, is that all?
322
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,011
Is that all?
323
00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:53,312
He ruined the play for me.
324
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:55,414
I didn't hear any of the important dialogue.
325
00:11:55,514 --> 00:11:56,515
It was crazy.
326
00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:57,716
First he said, "boo."
327
00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:58,884
Then he said his girl was supposed
328
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:00,419
to be sitting in my seat.
329
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:01,954
He had a rose on my seat, which he took out from under--
330
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:02,988
A rose?
331
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:03,923
Yeah.
332
00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:06,292
Hey, did it smell like pastrami?
333
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,226
What?
334
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:08,627
Honey, what did the guy look like?
335
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,528
Well, what difference does that make?
336
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:10,863
Just a hunch.
337
00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:12,732
Was he a little short guy, black haired, gray.
338
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:14,733
Yeah, how'd you know?
339
00:12:14,834 --> 00:12:15,801
I'll bet it was Bert.
340
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:16,702
Bert who?
341
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,204
Bert Monker.
342
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:19,371
Whose Bert Monker?
343
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:20,706
The guy from the delicatessen.
344
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:22,775
He gave Sally that ticket.
345
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:24,477
And also he gave her the rose this morning.
346
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,413
Oh, and he expected her to sit there tonight.
347
00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:28,948
Right.
348
00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:31,884
Oh, for heaven's sake, well, no wonder he was so upset.
349
00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:33,619
Well, why didn't he just call Sally and ask
350
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:35,054
her to go to the play with him.
351
00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,690
Oh, I'm sure he was afraid she would turn him down.
352
00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:39,992
And Sally thinks he's joking about it, anyway.
353
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,460
Oh, well, this was no joke, Rob.
354
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,263
He was really disappointed about her not being there.
355
00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:45,364
Was he?
356
00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:46,866
That funny bird.
357
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,601
He's always playing pranks and pretending he loves her.
358
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,102
And the thing is, he's not pretending.
359
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:52,738
Well, he might just as well be pretending because I
360
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,373
don't think he's Sally's type.
361
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:58,244
No, he'd be luckier just waiting for an armor-adillo.
362
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:58,978
That's the guy.
363
00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:00,579
That's the guy, yeah.
364
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,718
Imagine, Bert Monker's serious about me,
365
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:07,386
and all we ever did was kid around.
366
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:09,488
Yeah, Pickles and me were kidding around,
367
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:10,523
that's how we got married.
368
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,759
I found out she wasn't kidding.
369
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:14,793
What are you gonna do, Sal?
370
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,295
I don't know.
371
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,597
One thing though, let's not order lunch from him today
372
00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:19,932
or ever.
373
00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:21,400
But Bert's got the best chopped liver in town.
374
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:24,303
Well, what's more important, my life or your liver?
375
00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:25,638
Let me think about that a minute.
376
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:26,805
Oh, Buddy!
377
00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:28,274
Look, I don't think not ordering
378
00:13:28,374 --> 00:13:29,942
from the guy is going to discourage him any because he
379
00:13:30,042 --> 00:13:31,577
plotted it too carefully, you know,
380
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:33,546
the rose and the theater ticket.
381
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,447
And the extra mustard.
382
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:38,684
Look, maybe if I just ignore him, it'll blow over.
383
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:42,721
I don't think it's gonna blow over.
384
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:44,590
Hello?
385
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:46,325
Oh, hi, Bert.
386
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:47,493
It just blew up.
387
00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:48,761
Yeah.
388
00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:50,596
By gosh, I guess you're right, we did.
389
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:51,897
Uh, just a second.
390
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:53,732
He decided we forgot to order lunch.
391
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:55,000
He's bringing something up.
392
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,502
He's bringing a special sandwich for you.
393
00:13:56,602 --> 00:13:57,469
No.
394
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,572
Hey, look Sal's not here.
395
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,073
Well, she's gone.
396
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,609
Well, she picked up her coat and her hat and took a cab
397
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:04,810
and went home.
398
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:05,911
It was just a headache, that's all.
399
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:06,812
Nothing serious.
400
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:09,215
Bye.
401
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:10,516
Hey!
402
00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:11,684
Come back after lunch.
403
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,285
That was a mild headache I gave you.
404
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,620
OK.
405
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:15,788
How do you like that?
406
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,423
OK, Mr. Henderson, out you go.
407
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,758
You know you're not allowed in here when I feed the fish.
408
00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:21,293
Come on.
409
00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:22,294
There you go.
410
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:30,035
As for you, Samson, don't swallow
411
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:31,103
too much water with your food.
412
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,205
You know it makes you burp.
413
00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:34,807
[knocking]
414
00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:36,242
Who is it?
415
00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:38,177
BERT: Romeo.
416
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:39,178
Bert?
417
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:40,946
BERT: Do you know any other Romeos?
418
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,848
Oh, boy.
419
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:44,049
[groans]
420
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:50,756
Come on in, Bert.
421
00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,291
Gee.
422
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,626
I brought you some nice, hot chicken soup because they
423
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,827
told me you went home sick.
424
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:56,562
Oh.
425
00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:57,963
That's awfully nice of you.
426
00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:00,833
Well, when Juliette is sick, Romeo
427
00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:02,401
climbs the balcony with soup.
428
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:03,302
Where will I put it?
429
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:06,005
Uh, over there.
430
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:09,642
Also, a nice turkey sandwich, all white meat.
431
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,243
Uh, Bert, look, I, uh--
432
00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:12,678
Come on, you sit down and eat.
433
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:15,547
You sit down and eat because the soup will get cold.
434
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,916
Did the fellas at the office say anything?
435
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,286
No, just that you went home sick.
436
00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:21,954
Well, I'm really not that sick,
437
00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:23,656
I've just got a little headache.
438
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,825
But you didn't have to come way out here, you know?
439
00:15:26,925 --> 00:15:30,362
I would climb mountains, swim oceans, cross deserts for you.
440
00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:33,399
But luckily I only had to take the subway.
441
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,567
It's a little more dangerous than the other three.
442
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,571
Come on, come on, eat, eat.
443
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:44,910
I can't finish all this.
444
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,612
Well, maybe I'll take half.
445
00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:47,980
Oh, OK, good.
446
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:51,884
You know something?
447
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:54,286
In all my years behind the counter,
448
00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:57,156
I never made a full sandwich for myself.
449
00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:59,091
You know, I just nibble all day.
450
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:07,833
Hey, you know I make a heck of a sandwich.
451
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:08,867
I know why this tastes good?
452
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,035
Why?
453
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:13,205
Because I'm sharing it with someone.
454
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:17,343
When you nibble, you nibble alone.
455
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:18,877
Uh, Bert, look.
456
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:20,412
[phone rings]
457
00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:21,747
Uh-uh.
458
00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:23,949
No, the queen will sit here.
459
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:25,284
Your prince will get it.
460
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:31,523
Hello, Ms. Rogers' residence.
461
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:32,291
Who's this?
462
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:33,659
BERT (ON PHONE): Who's this?
463
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:34,827
Bert, is that you?
464
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:35,761
Why shouldn't it be me?
465
00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:36,729
Who are you?
466
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:37,963
Well, this is Rob Petrie.
467
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:39,665
I was a little surprised to hear you there.
468
00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:41,567
BERT (ON PHONE): You want to talk to Sally?
469
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,001
Well, yeah, unless you have something
470
00:16:43,102 --> 00:16:44,436
you want to talk about?
471
00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:46,071
No, no.
472
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:50,142
It's for you, another one of your many admirers.
473
00:16:50,242 --> 00:16:51,810
Thank you, Bert.
474
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,045
Hello?
475
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:54,079
Oh, hi, Rob.
476
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,081
Sal, are you all right?
477
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:58,183
SALLY (ON PHONE): Why shouldn't I be?
478
00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,387
Well, what's Bert doing there?
479
00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:03,222
Nothing.
480
00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:04,757
Yes, I feel much better.
481
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,694
And Bert was sweet enough to bring me over some hot soup.
482
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:09,695
Is it embarrassing?
483
00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:11,563
Oh, it certainly is.
484
00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:13,565
It's just what I needed.
485
00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:15,934
Look, Sally, I called to tell you, Alan loved the sketches.
486
00:17:16,034 --> 00:17:17,336
We don't have to do any rewrites on it.
487
00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:19,238
So you don't have to come in again.
488
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:21,974
I guess now you want to come in though, huh?
489
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:23,876
You have no idea.
490
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:25,744
But if you need me, you need me.
491
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:28,480
I'll get back to the office just as soon as I can.
492
00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:29,982
OK, Rob, bye.
493
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:31,316
Gotta go to work.
494
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:32,317
What, you're even working when you're sick?
495
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:33,519
Well, that's show business.
496
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,920
No, no, no, wait a minute, now you
497
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:35,954
put that down, you sit here, and you
498
00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:37,556
take out some time for lunch.
499
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:40,225
And I want to tell you, Sally, if you were any relation to me,
500
00:17:40,325 --> 00:17:44,296
I mean, I mean, a cousin, a sister, a wife,
501
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,098
the first sniffle, one little sniffle,
502
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:47,800
I'd take you right off to Miami Beach
503
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,635
or a resort of your choice.
504
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,971
You come on and eat now.
505
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,406
You're eating my half.
506
00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:57,409
Oh, sorry.
507
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,511
Thank you.
508
00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:03,415
You know, Sally, we got a lot in common.
509
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:04,716
We do?
510
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,752
Sure, sure.
511
00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:08,654
We're both big kidders.
512
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:12,357
You write jokes and I'm always doing jokes.
513
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,260
I joke around so much, a lot of people,
514
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,663
they can't tell when I'm serious.
515
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,499
I'm sure they can.
516
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:21,533
Can you?
517
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,871
How about that, I'm eating and I forgot the fish.
518
00:18:25,971 --> 00:18:28,207
I've better feed them before I get back to the office.
519
00:18:30,642 --> 00:18:33,712
You know, I just figured out what's wrong with you.
520
00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:37,116
I'm witty and gorgeous, what could be wrong?
521
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,650
You never stumble.
522
00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:39,651
Stumble?
523
00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:41,053
Yeah, stumble.
524
00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:43,155
Like in all the Clark Gable movies,
525
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:45,691
Claudette Colbert would stumble and hurt her ankle.
526
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,526
And he would run over and she'd lean on him.
527
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,461
And they'd look into each other's eyes
528
00:18:49,561 --> 00:18:52,664
and without saying a word, they'd get married.
529
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:55,567
I mean, all those big stars, Robert Taylor, Cary Grant,
530
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:59,872
half of them would never get a girl, unless the girl stumbled.
531
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:07,713
So what chance does a guy like me got with a sure-foot
532
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,582
like you?
533
00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:11,884
Look, Bert.
534
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,318
No, no, no, no kidding.
535
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:15,254
I've been coming up to your office a long, long time
536
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:17,189
and I'm waiting and waiting.
537
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,427
But you never stumble.
538
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:25,230
I guess I was born with strong ankles.
539
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:26,932
You want to know something else wrong with you.
540
00:19:27,032 --> 00:19:27,866
What?
541
00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:31,203
You overfeed your fish.
542
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:32,838
It won't hurt them.
543
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,840
It's a low cal fish food.
544
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:39,378
You know something, I--
545
00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:41,880
I, uh-- I had a birthday last week.
546
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:42,814
Oh, really?
547
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,383
Why didn't you tell us?
548
00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:48,153
Well, when a man gets to be my age, he doesn't like to tell.
549
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,688
It's a shock to his system.
550
00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:53,625
Yeah, I know, I had that shock the first time I was 29.
551
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:57,696
What would you say if I told you I'm 53 years old?
552
00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:00,866
Well, I would say you don't look it.
553
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:01,867
Thank you.
554
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,069
I'm 49.
555
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:07,105
Well, I would say you don't look 49.
556
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,106
You know why?
557
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:09,741
Because I'm 50.
558
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:11,643
And that's the truth.
559
00:20:11,743 --> 00:20:13,779
Do I look 50?
560
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:18,016
Well, no matter how old you are, Bert, you don't look it?
561
00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:19,051
You know why?
562
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,286
Because you're young in here.
563
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:24,289
No, here.
564
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,758
You want to know something?
565
00:20:26,858 --> 00:20:30,028
When a man turns 50, he starts to think of all the girls
566
00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:34,800
who said, "you're a good friend, but--" I got to thinking,
567
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:39,871
I'd rather get married and make some girl a nice enemy.
568
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:43,508
Well, I'm sure you'll meet a nice girl, Bert.
569
00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:46,245
That's what always follows "but--"
570
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:49,615
"you'll meet a nice girl."
571
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:52,217
See, I'm not too original today.
572
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,453
I just mean a wonderful man like you
573
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:57,623
with a good business and all, I mean, you've got a lot, Bert.
574
00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:58,323
Oh, yeah.
575
00:20:58,423 --> 00:20:59,691
Yeah, I, uh--
576
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:01,360
I got a lot.
577
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:06,999
I got a dog and you got goldfish.
578
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,401
You see those fish?
579
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:11,536
They make sounds that we can't hear.
580
00:21:11,637 --> 00:21:15,240
When a fish gets lonely, it lets out a call hoping
581
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:17,909
another fish will answer.
582
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,544
Where'd you read that?
583
00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:21,446
I didn't, I made it up.
584
00:21:21,546 --> 00:21:24,216
Look, I'm calling now, Sally.
585
00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:25,450
I'm calling now.
586
00:21:27,919 --> 00:21:28,820
And I'm hoping.
587
00:21:32,424 --> 00:21:34,893
Funny, I've written thousands of words of dialogue,
588
00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:37,696
can't come up with a line.
589
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:38,397
Try, Sally.
590
00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:39,698
Please try.
591
00:21:42,734 --> 00:21:46,371
Look, Bert, just because any two people are lonely,
592
00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:47,939
it doesn't mean if they get together
593
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,608
it will solve everything.
594
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:52,444
I mean, even certain kinds of fish
595
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:55,147
aren't happy together in the same tank.
596
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,215
What kinds?
597
00:21:57,315 --> 00:21:58,550
I don't know.
598
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:03,922
But if you're allowed to make up things, so am I.
599
00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:05,257
See what I mean?
600
00:22:05,357 --> 00:22:07,626
I practically trip her and she don't stumble.
601
00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:12,931
Bert, I don't want to stumble into love.
602
00:22:13,031 --> 00:22:15,100
I want a nice, clean fall.
603
00:22:20,539 --> 00:22:23,008
What are we doing making big jokes around here?
604
00:22:23,108 --> 00:22:24,576
I got a business to run.
605
00:22:24,676 --> 00:22:27,379
I got ketchup to water down and prices to raise.
606
00:22:27,479 --> 00:22:29,214
And I got a partner to watch.
607
00:22:29,314 --> 00:22:34,786
And, uh-- Goodbye, Sally.
608
00:22:34,886 --> 00:22:35,821
Bert.
609
00:22:40,258 --> 00:22:41,393
Thank you.
610
00:22:47,132 --> 00:22:49,701
That's a lot better than saying we'll be good friends.
611
00:22:52,170 --> 00:22:55,107
Well, I guess the Mets will probably lose today, too.
612
00:23:13,759 --> 00:23:17,796
Gee, Mr. Henderson, I envy you.
613
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:22,067
If I had nine lives like you, I'd have given him one of them.
614
00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:26,371
[inaudible]
615
00:23:26,471 --> 00:23:27,372
Hey, Bert.
616
00:23:27,472 --> 00:23:28,273
Hey, Bert.
617
00:23:28,373 --> 00:23:29,408
Hey, here you are.
618
00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:30,976
Here's your chicken salad.
619
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,012
And for you, boiled Virginia ham with mayo.
620
00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:38,150
No, I wanted ham with Virginia Mayo.
621
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,451
Where's Sally?
622
00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:40,385
Hi, fellas.
623
00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:41,319
Hi.
624
00:23:41,419 --> 00:23:43,822
Oh, hi, Bert.
625
00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:47,559
And for Sally, comes a corned beef on rye.
626
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:52,564
What is everybody staring at?
627
00:23:52,664 --> 00:23:55,066
BUDDY: You got something growing out of your chest.
628
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:55,967
Oh.
629
00:23:56,067 --> 00:23:57,736
Oh, this.
630
00:23:57,836 --> 00:24:01,473
Did you bring me another rose, Bert?
631
00:24:01,573 --> 00:24:04,843
You want another rose?
632
00:24:04,943 --> 00:24:06,344
Well, I tell you, with the corned beef,
633
00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:07,779
I'd rather have coleslaw.
634
00:24:07,879 --> 00:24:11,049
You got coleslaw and a rose, too.
635
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:15,053
Bert.
636
00:24:15,153 --> 00:24:16,354
A friend!
637
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:17,722
I mean, you can't give a rose to a friend?
638
00:24:17,823 --> 00:24:20,292
It's not a fraternity pin.
639
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:22,828
See you tomorrow.
640
00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:23,562
So long Bert.
641
00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:25,230
See you, Bert.
642
00:24:25,330 --> 00:24:26,832
Uh-oh.
643
00:24:26,932 --> 00:24:28,500
Sal, you're starting all over again.
644
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,903
No, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says,
645
00:24:32,003 --> 00:24:35,574
"It's better to get a rose from a casual friend
646
00:24:35,674 --> 00:24:39,578
than to get a can of succotash from a hoodlum."
647
00:24:39,678 --> 00:24:41,646
I think we're all agreed on that.
648
00:24:41,746 --> 00:24:42,914
You understand that?
649
00:24:43,014 --> 00:24:43,915
Get out!
650
00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:58,230
[theme music]
44812
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