All language subtitles for The Dick van Dike Show S04_E02

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[phone ringing]

Lake Pompous Lodge.

Sorry, we're all full up.

Oh boy.

Some fancy hotel.

They make you carry your own luggage.

This isn't a hotel.

You always carry your luggage at a fishing lodge.

This is a retreat.

Yeah, I'd like to retreat right back to New York.

Sally, you're just not an outdoor girl.

Oh, are you joshing?

I'm a charter member of the Girl Scouts.

Got any cookies?

I'm starved.

May I have Alan Brady's room, please?

Will you guys quit complaining?

This is a free weekend in the mountains.

Who's complaining?

You and Sally.

I just wanted to see if you're paying attention.

Hello, Alan?

Oh, it's Mel.

Mel.

Hey, there's a thrill.

Mel, we're all here.

OK.

Good, good.

He's on his way down.

Well, I sure hope Alan doesn't want us to work tonight.

I'm beat.

Well, may I help you?

Yes, we're Alan Brady's party.

Mr. Brady and Mr. Cooley have already checked in.

Yes.

Well, I'm Mr. Petrie.

We're his writers.

Yes?

Well, you have a reservation for us.

I do?

Supposed to be three rooms, one for Mr. and Mrs. Petrie,

one for Mr. Sorrell, and one for Miss Rogers.

Sorry, I've got nothing here.

Well, Mel Cooley said he'd make the reservations for us.

Nobody made no reservations.

All right, folks.

Welcome to a rerun of "The Lost Weekend."

And its co-feature, "No Room at the Top."

Look, there must be some mistake.

No mistake.

There are no reservations for any of you people

and no rooms available.

Look, are you sure they're not maybe under Mr.

Brady's name or Mr. Cooley's?

Nope, sorry.

Well, sissy.

Move over.

Your ma's tired.

And your dad is good looking.

But we're still not gonna get a room.

Boy, I can just hear Mel's dulcet tones.

Rob, Sally, Buddy, Alan has an idea for a new TV series,

and he wants you to work on it.

Now, you'll all come up and be his guests.

Everything is on Alan.

Yeah, including an old Egyptian curse

I just remembered.

Look, you guys.

Alan will take care of it somehow.

You all checked in?

Why don't you check out?

Well, what's wrong, gang?

Mel, the man says there are no rooms for us.

He says there's no what?

There are no reservations, no rooms.

Well, that's impossible.

That's what we've been telling him.

Look, Mr. Cooley called and made reservations.

Right, Mel?

That's right.

I-- oh dear.

The hairless phantom strikes again.

Mel, you mean you didn't make any reservations?

Well, Rob, when we were in New York,

I-- well, we didn't know how many there were going to be.

And then I got up here, and I meant to.

And then, well-- well, Alan had one of those terrible--

are you sure there are no rooms?

Not a closet.

How could you make a mistake like that?

Easy, it's heredity.

Look at the mistake his parents made.

Now, look.

We'll work things out.

Oh, Mel, I do hope you can, because we

have driven five hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Yeah.

Just think, I could be home now, having a good time complaining

about having no place to go.

Yeah, now, Rob and I will work things out.

Look, why don't you girls go and have dinner?

Oh, and take It with you.

Rob, I just feel awful.

Don't feel so bad, Mel.

You have finally accomplished a great feat.

You got everybody hating you at the same time.

Attack!

Well?

I think I know how to handle this.

Mr. Little?

Yes?

Are you sure you can't find something

for Mr. Brady's party?

Sorry, we're all full up.

Are you still full up?

Well, there is a cabin down by the lake.

But ordinarily, we don't rent it out.

Do you think you could make an exception?

Well, I don't know.

You don't know?

Well, it's rather small, and it's

been vacant for three years--

one bedroom and fold-away couch in the living room.

Well, that's all right.

Buddy and I can sleep on the couch.

There is, however, another problem.

Will this take care of the other problem?

I don't think so.

You see, the cabin is haunted.

[laughs]

You're kidding, aren't you?

Nope.

The cabin is haunted.

Well, what do you mean, haunted?

You mean ghosts, and chains, and [imitates ghostly noises]

and all that stuff?

Joke if you want to, but nobody has slept a full night

in that cabin in three years.

Well, I understand that he Catskill

Mountains have legends--

weird legends they're famous for.

But I'm afraid I don't believe in ghosts.

Well, if you want the cabin, fine.

I just felt I had to warn you.

Well, what makes you think it's haunted?

Three years ago, a man by the name of Amos Chantz

used to come up here fishing.

Went to bed one night.

The next morning, gone.

Folks say he was murdered for his money.

But they never found it or him.

Oh, Rob, you don't believe in ghosts.

No, I mean--

I wouldn't want to make the girls nervous, though.

Well, you want to take the cabin or not?

Well, yeah, OK.

But listen, don't tell the ladies what you told me.

Don't tell them what?

Oh, Buddy.

Look, we've got a cabin for the night.

Oh, you don't want to tell the girls?

No.

We just don't want to frighten them, that's all.

What's the matter?

Well, the guy says there's a local legend

about the cabin being haunted.

I agree.

You shouldn't tell the girls.

Where you going?

Back to New York.

And don't forget, don't tell the girls.

You'll frighten them.

Oh, Buddy, come back here.

Hey, this is nice.

Yeah.

What time do we feed the walls?

Gee, from the way you and Buddy were talking,

I thought we'd be sleeping in a barn.

But I love this place.

It's so woodsy.

And furry.

And dusty.

Look, before we fall in love with this place,

what do you say we check on what we're gonna sleep on, huh?

Well, I bet the bedroom's over here.

Gee, do you suppose it has a view of the lake?

All right, let's try.

I'll go help Buddy with the rest of the stuff.

Buddy, get out of the car and come in here.

I'm gonna stay here and sleep in the back seat.

Oh yeah, alone?

Rob?

Rob?

Oh, there you are.

Hey, where are the girls?

Somebody stole the girls.

- They're in the bedroom. - What?

They're in the bedroom.

Oh.

Well, everything worked out all right.

Oh, good, Mel.

Now, Alan would like to meet you in the morning.

So we'll send a Jeep for you at 8 o'clock.

Fine. Fine, Mel.

Good night.

Good night.

Buddy, you didn't bring the other stuff in.

Yeah.

Will you go get it, please?

Would you go with me?

Fine, I'll get it myself.

Can I go with you?

All right, be my guest.

Ah!

Ah!

Bringing in the firewood.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

I'm sorry I yelled.

I didn't know you were here.

I didn't know you was here.

If you didn't know we were here,

why are you bringing firewood?

I always bring firewood at--

uh-huh, 9 o'clock.

You always bring firewood at 9 o'clock?

Yeah.

Well, for whom?

I mean, this place has been vacant.

Yeah, for three years.

That's right.

Nobody's lived here for three years.

[laughs]

Sleep well.

[laughs]

Hey, did you hear that?

What do you mean, that-- [imitates laugh]

No, no.

No, he said he's been bringing firewood here for three years.

Yeah.

Oh, you know, there probably should

be a three-year supply of firewood around here somewhere.

Yeah, well, where is it? Where?

Where? - That's the thing.

It's not here.

Somebody's been burning it.

The ghost, that's who.

Either that or that guy.

He's a ghost?

No, but he could be doing something illegal

and doing everything to scare people away from here.

Well, he's doing a darn good job.

Oh, no, Buddy.

There's always some logical explanation

for a ghostly happening.

Rob, Rob, look.

[stammers]

Cozy.

Will you stop acting like Lou Costello over there

and give me a hand with this bed?

Hey, hey, this door is locked. It's locked.

Yes. You know why?

There is a monster in there.

Pretty funny. Pretty funny.

It's possible, you know.

Oh, Buddy, they probably got it locked

because it's a store room, and they

don't want anybody in there. - They?

They? Who's they?

Oh, boy.

Ah!

Ah!

I just wanted to get my makeup case.

What's scary about a makeup case?

Nothing.

Honey, how's your bed?

Oh, it's fine, except Sally says she snores.

Ah!

Ah!

What's with you?

Sally, we've been working together five years.

I never knew you looked like that.

Like what?

Like my wife.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

You know, I was beginning to get a little worried about you,

Buddy.

You haven't insulted anybody all evening.

I thought maybe there was something wrong with you.

There is.

I mean-- I mean, there was.

And I needed something to snap me out of it.

Thanks for the snapping out.

Well, good night, everybody.

BUDDY: Good night.

Sleep well.

Oh, and Buddy, Rob kicks the covers off during the night.

BUDDY: So?

Well, so if you don't recover, and he sneezes--

I'll say gesundheit.

No, no, don't do that, because then he'll wake

up and start talking to you.

Sal, if she steals your pillow away from you,

just take it back. She won't mind.

All right.

Oh, and Buddy, if he talks in his sleep,

just give him a little shot, and he wakes up.

You know, these two are more active when they're

asleep than when they're awake.

Well, come on.

I'll walk you home. - Hey, would you?

Well, gee, Rob.

Will I see you tomorrow?

I certainly hope so.

Good night, honey.

Good night, Sal.

Good night, pal.

Well, there's the story of my life.

Come on. Let's get some sleep.

You want to?

You're not kidding, boy.

You can be a nervous wreck around that joint.

Oh boy. I'm tired.

I just want to get those eyes closed.

That's all.

Are you, uh--

you gonna go to bed with your shoes on?

You know I can't run in my bare feet.

Buddy, we've been here all evening,

and not one strange thing has happened.

Oh, no?

How about that fireplace?

I told you, it's probably a live ember buried in the coals.

Yeah, or a dead body buried under the floor.

Oh boy.

Turn off the light, will you?

Are you kidding?

We can't sleep with the light on.

Well, I can't sleep with it off.

For crying out loud.

Good night.

Boy, I sure wish I had my teddy bear.

Buddy, will you turn the light off, please?

I didn't turn it on.

I suppose it went on all by itself, then, huh?

If you didn't turn it on, it went on by itself, or--

Well, there's probably a logical explanation for that.

Yeah, like a live ember in a dead bulb?

Oh, of course.

I didn't have it all the way off, that's all.

Look, very simple.

Off, on, off.

On.

Rob, somebody don't want those lights off.

Look, if you don't want them off, we'll leave them on.

Quiet.

I don't want to frighten the girls.

Well, what about me? Me?

[music playing]

Rob, go explain that.

Well, it was probably just the wind, Buddy.

The wind blew the door open and made the chair rock.

That's all.

Yeah, well, what made the rocker stop rocking?

You know, I--

the ghost got up and left.

How would I know?

There's a logical explanation somewhere, like a change--

wind, change in wind or something-- suction

of the wind or something.

Hey, I wonder what's going on.

Those two are sure acting funny in there.

Oh, I think Buddy's just homesick.

He misses Pickles.

Oh, all right.

So what's wrong with Rob?

He misses me.

SALLY: Look, Laura, I could sleep on the porch.

Oh, come on.

Gee, I sure hope my cat likes this.

I promised him a nice present when I got home.

Oh, I'm sure he--

[dramatic music]

[screams]

Buddy!

Who's screaming?

What's the matter, honey? - A face!

I saw a face! - What'd he look like?

Not there. In the mirror.

In the mirror?

Oh!

Honey, in the mirror?

I saw it in the mirror.

I saw a face.

Sally, did you see him?

I didn't see anything.

All I know is she screamed, she grabbed me, I grabbed her,

and that's all I know.

Oh, honey, in the mirror.

Are you sure? - I knew it.

I knew it. - Knew what?

He doesn't know anything.

It was probably a reflection.

Rob, do I have a mustache?

Of course not.

Honey, get a hold of yourself.

All right.

The face in the mirror had a mustache.

He had a--

honey, it could have been your own hair.

Look, when you turned around, maybe it was just like--

No!

- Well, maybe it was a-- - Ghost!

Ghost! That's what it was.

This place is haunted, like they said.

Who said? A ghost?

Haunted? Who said?

- Rob! - Rob?

I didn't. No.

- He did. - It isn't.

BUDDY: It is!

- I never said-- - So who?

Who? Who?

He said! - Says who?

No, I didn't-- the guy, Sally.

Yeah, the guy told Rob that the-- that

the place is haunted.

And he said that a guy got murdered here,

and he's coming back. He's gonna get all of us.

- Who? - Who?

The ghost with the mustache.

Oh, Rob!

Come on, Rob.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, now, wait a second.

You don't believe in ghosts.

Rob, I saw him.

Well, he was probably an hallucination.

Yeah, hallucination.

How about those lights in the other room?

What lights?

They kept going on and off.

That was a loose connection.

Yeah, loose connection in our heads for even being here.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, Buddy, wait a minute.

Oh, oh!

No!

Now, wait!

Everybody, just hold it!

There's one thing I want to get straight

before we go any further.

This couch was open!

Hey, where's our bags?

Somebody stole our bags!

Oh, there they are.

And they're all packed. - Great.

Now, let's get out of here.

Rob, what's going on here?

Honey, all I know is that there's someone

who wants us to leave here.

Yeah, yeah.

Me, me. - Look, Rob.

I'm with Buddy.

This is getting to be like a bad horror movie.

All we're missing is Vincent Price and the thunder

and the lightning.

Oh, Rob, I'm scared.

Well, I agree that we should leave here.

But let's not lose our heads now.

[thunder]

All it's missing now is Vincent Price.

[knocking on door]

[door creaks]

The door's open.

The door's open.

Vincent?

There's nothing to worry about.

There's nobody in there.

Nobody knocked?

That's something to worry about.

Good, because I'm very worried.

Look, I'm going to call for the Jeep.

I don't believe in ghosts, but I do believe in fear.

All you guys are completely scared to death.

Hello?

The phone's dead.

Pick up the receiver.

Oh.

Hello, lodge?

Lodge?

Hello?

Please, lodge?

Hello?

It's not-- it's really dead.

Isn't it always?

It must be the storm.

Storm's probably knocked everything out.

Storm, yeah.

Listen, there's only one other thing we can do.

What? What?

- We're gonna have to walk it. - Walk.

That's a good idea. Let's do that.

- All right. - Let's do that.

All right.

Let's walk.

[thunder]

We can wait till it blows over, maybe, huh?

Why don't we do that? Let's not move.

Let's wait till the-- - We could try the phone again.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I got an announcement to make.

What is it?

Whoever you are, whatever you are,

if you want us out of here, we'll go

right after it stops raining.

I promise.

[thunder]

You're welcome.

[thunder]

Anybody asleep?

You nuts?

Who can sleep?

I am fast awake.

My heart's beating so hard, it's

gonna knock the covers off.

Look, it's been over two hours now,

and nothing strange or unusual has happened.

No?

What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed

with their clothes on?

I call it absolutely ridiculous.

Why don't we stop acting like children and--

look, nothing's gonna happen to us.

Why don't you girls go back in your own room?

No.

Now, wait a minute.

Let's all just stay together.

It's comfy like this.

Let's stay together.

Look, I'll admit.

A lot of weird things are going on here.

But I think that whoever or whatever it is doesn't want--

[screaming]

Boy, look at that!

The man-eating bed.

I've had enough.

All right.

All right, fearless leader.

How do you explain that?

ROB: I can't.

Honey, are you all right?

Rob, I'm fine.

I just want to get out of here. - Yeah.

Me too, Rob. Please, let's go.

All right. Let's get out of here now.

Buddy, pick up the rest--

Buddy, pick up--

Buddy?

Where's Buddy?

Maybe he went outside.

Alone?

You're right, not Buddy.

Maybe he's in the closet.

It's locked.

Or it was locked.

Uh, I'll try it.

Stand back.

Still locked.

[knocking on door]

I, uh, guess I'll look in the bedroom.

Not without us.

Wait for me.

Don't push.

Buddy?

Buddy, are you in here?

[dramatic music]

Buddy?

Rob, maybe he's playing a joke on us.

He's too scared to be funny, honey.

Sally--

Buddy?

Sal?

ROB: Buddy, where are you?

Sal, are you in here?

Sal, are you putting us on?

Come on, Sal.

Rob?

Huh?

Sally's gone too!

No!

Yeah, she's--

Sally?

Buddy?

What am I whispering for?

Sally?

Buddy?

Hey, gang?

Rob, look.

Just their luggage left.

Honey, I think we gotta get out of here, and we gotta get help.

Well, what about Buddy and Sally?

I don't know.

The closet-- that's the only place they can be.

I'll try it again.

They got to-- honey, stand back.

I'm gonna really heave now.

It's locked on the outside.

Honey, give me a hairpin.

Oh no.

Honey?

Sally?

Buddy?

Mama?

Buddy?

Buddy?

Who took them?

Now, come on.

Where are they?

All right.

I don't know who you are, and I don't

know what you are, but I--

I know you're in here.

Where are you?

Hey, look.

Look, I don't know what you're up to.

But if you return my wife and my friends, I'll go in peace, huh?

Where'd you go?

Hey.

Hey, come on.

Where are you?

Uh-oh.

Ah!

Hey, what-- hey, who are you?

And what do you want?

Hey, where's my wife and my friends?

Well, don't just stand there.

Where's my wife and my friends?

Look, if you bring my wife my friends back,

we'll leave in peace, OK?

Hey, don't just stand there.

Uh-oh.

He's gone.

Scream.

You're on "Sneaky Camera."

Hey, Mel!

Mel, you don't know what's happened.

Buddy, and Sally, and Laura, all gone.

This place is haunted, Mel.

You know that?

The fire started.

That thing started rocking all by itself.

What are you doing in a mirror?

I just told you, you're on "Sneaky Camera."

What, "Sneaky Camera"?

Alan Brady presents "Sneaky Camera."

What's "Sneaky Camera"?

The show Alan told you to come up here and work on.

Well, where's Sally, and Buddy, and Laura?

Now, don't worry.

They're safe.

They're right here with me.

You mean you've been filming all this?

How do you like it?

Come out of there, Mel.

Rob, are you angry?

Oh, I'm not angry, Mel.

I'm insane!

Oh, well, good.

Good, good.

Keep talking. We're still filming.

Good!

Save some film for the murder!

Get this shot.

The only thing that bothers me, Mel, is you're

not even ashamed that this is a direct steal from another show.

Well, why be ashamed when we stole from one of the best?

You know, I can't wait to develop the film on Buddy.

He was scared to death.

[laughs]

[imitates laugh]

I wasn't scared.

No?

So how come you're still holding my hand?

Listen.

Stop picking on Buddy.

He had good reason to be scared.

He has no courage.

Yeah, keep going.

Give him some more.

Well, at least when I got scared,

I got hair to stand on end.

Oh, Buddy.

Now, come on.

Be a good sport.

After all, you were the biggest chicken of us all.

You did some pretty good clucking there yourself.

Mel, I've got one question to ask.

MEL: Hm?

How did you do that thing with the fire?

Do what?

The fire that started all by itself.

What fire?

In the fireplace.

It started up all by itself.

Buddy and I were standing here. And it went off.

Then it came on again.

I'll see you guys out in the car.

We didn't do anything.

You mean there was a fire in that fireplace,

and you weren't a part of it?

No, we had nothing to do--

Come on, now.

How'd you rig the fire?

As long as there's a possibility of driving

him crazy, I'll never tell.

[music playing]

[theme music]