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[music playing]
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NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hi, darling.
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I'm sorry I'm late, but the place was jammed.
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Millie and I had to park three blocks away from the campus.
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Honey, I found an anteater.
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Really?
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I didn't know we needed one.
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No, Ritchie needs one.
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I'm helping him with a project in school.
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He has to cut pictures out and paste
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them in a scrapbook of all different kinds of animals.
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We're, we're only to the As and Bs now.
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Here's the list.
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Yeah, I know the project, dear,
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but you shouldn't be doing it for him.
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Forget about that, honey.
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Did you us sign up for the night school?
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Well, not us.
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What do you mean?
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You didn't sign us up for the Spanish course?
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No, well, by the time Millie and I got there,
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the Spanish class was all filled,
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so, well, Millie and I signed up for creative writing.
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The Spanish class was full so you
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signed up for creative writing?
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The only thing left open was animal husbandry.
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Animal husbandry.
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Well, I'm too satisfied with you to--
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Oh, thank you.
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Anyway, I couldn't sign you up for creative writing.
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You're already a creative writer.
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Creative writing.
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Doggone it.
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I was really looking forward to going to that Spanish course.
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I'm sorry, darling, but I promise next semester I'll
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go down early and enroll us.
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Well, listen, why the sudden interest in writing with you?
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You don't even like to write letters.
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Oh, I don't know. This is different.
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Creative. Anyway, it sounded like fun.
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Yeah, writing is always fun to talk about.
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Oh, Millie and I talked to the teacher before class.
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He seemed so nice, Rob.
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I think we're really going to like it.
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And Mr. Caldwell said I showed promise.
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- Caldwell? - Yeah, the teacher.
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How did he know you showed any promise?
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It was just enrollment tonight, wasn't it?
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Yeah, it was.
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But he had us fill out these little cards on why we enrolled
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in creative writing, and he took me aside to tell me
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he especially liked mine.
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Oh, what did you write?
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That the Spanish class was full.
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And from that he could tell you were good?
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Well, I don't know.
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I guess it was the way I phrased it.
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Anyway, he seemed really quite impressed with me.
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Oh.
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What, uh, what else did you have to put on your enrollment card?
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Well, just name and occupation.
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Your name, your occupation.
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Uh-huh.
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What uh-huh?
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Oh, n-nothing.
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Rob, that nothing was something.
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Huh?
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You never say nothing unless you mean something.
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Well, no, it was just about a nothing nothing, that's all.
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Nothing, honey.
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I'm glad that Mr. Caldwell thinks
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you show exceptional talent.
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I hope you get a big kick out of the class.
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All right, if that's what you feel then,
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I'm not going to take the class.
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Hey, honey, you're wrinkling this anteater all up.
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Hard to find.
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Rob, will you tell me what's bothering you about this class?
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I know it's something.
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Honey, just-- it's nothing.
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That nothing sounded like something, didn't it?
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Look, honey, I don't want to hurt your feelings,
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but I think that there's a pretty sneaky reason
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for Mr. Caldwell to be flattering you like that.
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What reason?
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To get to me.
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What do you mean my teacher wants to get to you?
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He doesn't even know you.
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Well, of course, he doesn't know me, honey.
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What's for dinner?
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Nothing, until you tell me why you think my teacher's
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flattering me to get to you.
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Because he is.
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You know Mr. Caldwell?
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Honey, it's not the point.
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I don't have to know him.
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He knows me.
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How?
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You told him everything he had to know
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on that little enrollment card.
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And what was that?
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He knows that I am a writer for a successful television
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show.
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So?
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So Mrs. Rosenkrantz.
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Mrs. Rosenkrantz?
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Yeah.
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Ritchie's nursery teacher, Mrs. Rosenkrantz.
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You remember she always gave him extra clay
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and we couldn't figure out why, until I
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ended up writing a salute to Mother Goose for her.
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Can't you forget that?
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I cannot forget a nursery school teacher coming out to me
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after a show and saying, Mr. Petrie, are you
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really a professional writer?
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I could have-- [mumbling] From then,
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on I haven't trusted anybody who's
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overly nice to you and Rich.
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So now you think that all people are--
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Not all people, honey.
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Just people who are planning things.
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First they start out being nice to you,
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and then all of a sudden they ask me if I'll give a lecture
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or write a play or collaborate on something.
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All right, name one person whoever did that.
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I bet you can't name one.
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The chairman of the parents council,
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Mrs. Something-or-other.
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And the vise president of the bank, honey,
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kept giving you extra pens, and he finally
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asked me to write him an act.
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And who, who was it from the--
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See, you can't name any of them.
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You can just rest assured that Mr. Caldwell sooner or later is
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going to ask you to ask me to read a sketch he's written,
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to collaborate on a play, to do something.
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Well, of all the conceit!
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Well, that's not conceit.
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All right, what is it then?
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Jealousy?
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Jealousy?
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Are you jealous of my writing?
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Of your wri-- all you've written so far as three lines
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on, on an enrollment card.
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And the Bill of Rights was written on an envelope.
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That was the Gettysburg Address.
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Oh, you know nothing.
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Honey, I'm sorry.
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Look, I-- maybe I was wrong, huh?
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Let's just skip over it for now.
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Will you forgive me?
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If you promise to stop being so suspicious
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and thinking that everyone's out to take advantage of you.
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I promise, honey.
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Bob Patterson.
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That was the vice president of bank.
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And it was Mrs. Willington, the--
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Hahaha.
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But you can use this.
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There's a buffalo on the nickel.
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Oh, boy!
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Gee, you're smart!
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Thank you.
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Now, you go finish your scrapbook
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and let me finish my homework, huh?
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OK. [doorbell]
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- Get that, will you, darling? - OK.
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Hi, Ritchie.
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Hi, Aunt Millie.
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You ready to go to class?
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Yeah, Rob will be here in a minute.
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I just have to finish typing this.
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Jerry typed mine.
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The idiot, he typed the whole thing with one hand.
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How come?
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He was holding his nose with the other one.
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I didn't even show mine to Rob because he's so touchy about my
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taking this class anyway.
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Husbands.
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Yours thinks the teacher is smart and trying
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to get a favor out of him, and mine
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thinks the teacher's a dope for letting me in the class.
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Do you think Mr. Caldwell's encouraging me just to get
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Rob to go down and lecture?
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Oh, no, of course not.
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- Mommy! - Yes, dear?
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The nickel won't glue in my scrapbook.
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It just keeps sliding around.
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Oh, well, put the nickel down, dear, and go
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wash the glue out of your hands.
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OK.
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OK.
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You think if we become famous writers
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we can stop being mothers?
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Ha!
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Boy, would I like to get real rich
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and have governesses or even governors.
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Hey, I made a joke.
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Maybe I can put that in my essay.
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What did you write about?
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An elevator.
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What did you write about?
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I wrote about our backyard and the big tree.
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An elevator?
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Millie, we were supposed to write a descriptive
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essay about a pleasant place.
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Well, I think an elevator is a pleasant place.
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I like to stand there on a nice, soft rug
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and listen to the music and go up and down.
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That's what your essay's about?
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That is my essay.
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Well, length doesn't really matter.
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Hey, you know, you write very well, Laura.
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You're going to show Rob.
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And I want to show that Jerry.
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You know, maybe I'm a little hard on Jerry.
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After all, he said I could be a writer because I look
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a little bit like Joyce Kilmer.
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Joyce Kilmer?
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Yeah, do you think so?
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Millie, Joyce Kilmer was a man.
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I'll kill him.
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I'll kill him.
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But Mommy said--
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Mommy said, Mommy said.
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This is Daddy saying go to bed.
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But I'm hungry.
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If you're hungry, have a banana.
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Now, where is she?
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Why doesn't she come home and raise her kid?
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Hi, darling.
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That's more like it.
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Huh?
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Nothing.
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I'm looking for a walrus.
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Oh, Rob.
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Are you doing that for Ritchie again?
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Well, I promised him I would.
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Besides, that's the only way I could get him to go to bed.
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Boy, there sure haven't been a lot of walruses in the news
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lately, I'll say that.
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What happened to the good old days
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when the walruses used to make all the headlines?
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Pretty funny.
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Well, aren't you going to ask me how it went in class tonight?
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Oh, yeah.
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How'd it go?
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Mr. Caldwell said that my essay
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was the best in the class.
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He said it was vivid, had a strong narrative sense,
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and he gave me an A plus.
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And I'll bet he said, your husband
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should be very proud of you.
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Rob, don't start that.
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You're insinuating that Mr. Caldwell is just
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flattering me to butter you up.
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Well, now, I'll tell you something.
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He said that with hard work and a little time,
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I might someday write well enough to sell something.
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That's very nice.
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And you don't believe it's possible.
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I'm sure of it.
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Really?
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Oh, that he said it, not that it would sell.
268
00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:02,341
Oh, I have a--
269
00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:04,343
Ah, honey, I apologize.
270
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:05,945
I'm sorry.
271
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,814
I am tired of arguing and I'm tired of looking for walruses.
272
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:10,650
I'm tired of this whole evening.
273
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,785
Now let's just go to bed and--
274
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,253
Well, the whole evening wasn't a loss.
275
00:09:14,353 --> 00:09:15,254
I found a nickel.
276
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:24,797
Who, uh, who glued a nickel to our counter anyway?
277
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:25,531
Ow!
278
00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:26,933
Doggone it!
279
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,568
Whose idea of a joke is that? Look at that nail.
280
00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:29,702
RITCHIE: Daddy!
281
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:30,703
Ritchie, what are you doing up?
282
00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:31,737
I heard yelling.
283
00:09:31,837 --> 00:09:33,205
I thought Daddy found a walrus.
284
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,441
Uh, no, not, not yet, Rich.
285
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:36,375
But go to bed.
286
00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:37,410
I want some water.
287
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:40,246
Uh, get in the kitchen then.
288
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,882
Boy, I don't see why you're in such a terrible mood.
289
00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:44,617
I'm-- honey, I'm not in a terrible mood.
290
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,385
I'm in a regular mood, I'm just so mad it
291
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:48,588
seems terrible, that's all.
292
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:50,690
I, I hate to see you being made a fool of.
293
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,725
Rob, if anybody's being made a fool of,
294
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,694
it's you making one of you.
295
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,562
Some husbands would be proud of their wives.
296
00:09:56,662 --> 00:09:58,598
They'd enco-- hi, Rich.
297
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:00,466
See you in the morning, son.
298
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:01,534
Good night, dear.
299
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:02,468
I'm not tired.
300
00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:03,970
Yes, you are.
301
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,339
Should I shut the door so I don't hear the fight?
302
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,306
There's no fight, Rich.
303
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,207
Go to bed.
304
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:09,642
And shut the door.
305
00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:13,613
Now look at us, arguing in front of Rich.
306
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,748
Well, it's certainly not my fault, Rob.
307
00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:17,783
I came in here happy and excited,
308
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:19,785
and you started to criticize without even
309
00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:21,754
reading what I wrote.
310
00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:22,955
Oh, honey, I'm--
311
00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:24,390
I was probably a little hasty about it.
312
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:25,624
I'm sorry.
313
00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:27,360
It just-- it's been one of those days.
314
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,361
May I?
315
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:46,679
It's not supposed to be funny.
316
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:49,615
But of course you want it to be bad, don't you?
317
00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:51,517
I don't want to be bad, honey.
318
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:52,551
Don't you?
319
00:10:52,651 --> 00:10:53,919
It's happened plenty of times.
320
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,354
What's happened plenty of times?
321
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:56,622
Family jealousy.
322
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,457
Johann Strauss Senior practically
323
00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:02,661
disowned his son for writing better waltzes than he did.
324
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:04,597
Maybe that's what this needs.
325
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,465
Da-da-da-da-dadum-dadum.
326
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:12,872
Well, you just can't possibly be objective about this.
327
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:14,674
Well, look Mr. Caldwell certainly
328
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,108
isn't being objective.
329
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:20,546
Well, I know he isn't flattering me to get to you.
330
00:11:20,646 --> 00:11:23,149
You wouldn't let Buddy and Sally read this, would you?
331
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:24,784
Do you want Buddy and Sally's opinion?
332
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:25,951
I would love it.
333
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:27,620
They are honest, intelligent people.
334
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,155
They haven't got any axes to grind.
335
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:30,790
At least they'd be objective about it.
336
00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:32,658
I would welcome their opinion.
337
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:34,126
Well, all right.
338
00:11:34,226 --> 00:11:35,494
But I'll tell you, they're professional writers just
339
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:36,495
like me and they're going to admit
340
00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:37,630
that this is not very good.
341
00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:38,864
What do they know?
342
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:49,041
"And so it grows, our old tree, sending its roots
343
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,977
deep into Mother Earth's warm bosom from moisture,
344
00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:54,914
and its branches up, up, up to the sky
345
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:57,817
for life-giving sunshine.
346
00:11:57,917 --> 00:12:04,690
To you and me it looks still, but a tree never rests."
347
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:05,825
Well?
348
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:07,126
How old is Laura?
349
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,197
What's that got to do with it?
350
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:14,066
Well, if she was 12 or 13, that'd be pretty good.
351
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:15,768
In other words, I'm right.
352
00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:19,972
There was more laughs in my bar mitzvah speech.
353
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:21,640
This isn't exactly supposed to be funny.
354
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,977
Well, neither was my bar mitzvah speech.
355
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:26,378
What do you think, Sal?
356
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:28,481
Well, there's something wrong with the beginning.
357
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,482
What?
358
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,950
It leads to the rest of it.
359
00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:34,920
Well, what am I going to do with this thing?
360
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:35,988
Well, if you fold it right, you
361
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:38,624
can make it into an aeroplane.
362
00:12:38,724 --> 00:12:42,361
So you both agree with me, Laura's no Elizabeth Browning?
363
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:43,596
Yeah.
364
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:44,897
OK, now that that's all settled, what
365
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:46,398
do you say we go home, huh? - Yeah, sure.
366
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:47,666
- What? - Wait a minute.
367
00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:48,801
I wanted to talk to you guys about this.
368
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:49,802
Oh, come on, Rob, it's 9 o'clock.
369
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:50,870
We've been working all day.
370
00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:53,038
My wife's home waiting for me.
371
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:54,273
What am I hurrying for?
372
00:12:56,709 --> 00:13:00,079
Look, you're the only two I can possibly discuss this with.
373
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:02,615
Ever since Laura started night class, we don't talk anymore.
374
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:03,949
All we do is argue.
375
00:13:04,049 --> 00:13:05,551
Do you mean to tell me that this teacher tells
376
00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:07,386
her everything she writes is great?
377
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:08,888
I mean, even that?
378
00:13:08,988 --> 00:13:11,290
She got an A plus on that.
379
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,224
Holy cowboy.
380
00:13:12,324 --> 00:13:13,425
Yeah.
381
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,094
And the thing is, the further he builds her up,
382
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:16,695
the more let down she's going to be when she finds out
383
00:13:16,795 --> 00:13:18,197
she just isn't an A plus student.
384
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:19,899
Don't worry, Laura'll get over it.
385
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:22,134
Besides, women writers never amount to anything anyway.
386
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:28,574
What am I, a duck?
387
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:32,578
Anything I say from now on can only get me in trouble.
388
00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,947
Thing is, I wish this teacher would just come right out
389
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,316
and ask me whatever he wants instead of using Laura.
390
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,885
I mean, telling her this stuff would sell.
391
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,253
I got the same situation.
392
00:13:41,353 --> 00:13:43,122
Every time my wife goes-- goes up to Vermont,
393
00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:44,456
you know, to visit her Aunt Harriet,
394
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,292
she keeps picking on her because she married me.
395
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:47,860
She says I'm a no-talent little runt
396
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,329
and I'll never amount to a bowl of borscht.
397
00:13:50,429 --> 00:13:52,164
Well, what-- what's that got to do with my problem?
398
00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:53,532
Nothing, but I got problems too,
399
00:13:53,632 --> 00:13:56,435
and if you've got problems, I've got problems.
400
00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:58,437
You want to talk about problems, huh?
401
00:13:58,537 --> 00:14:00,806
How about a gorgeous girl of 27 with a figure
402
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:04,243
like this living with a cat.
403
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,712
Don't do it.
404
00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:07,746
Hey, fellas?
405
00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:09,281
All right, all right.
406
00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:11,984
Rob, look, to get back to your problem, down deep inside,
407
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:13,652
Laura must know she's not very good.
408
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:16,322
Oh, yeah, down deep inside, but she'd never admit it to me.
409
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:18,224
It's become too much of a thing between us.
410
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:19,892
I'd love to help you, Rob, really I would,
411
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:21,026
but I've got a heavy date.
412
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:23,462
Yeah, and I've got a heavy wife.
413
00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:25,197
Hey, listen, why don't you use my motto?
414
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:27,466
If you can't beat them, forget it.
415
00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:28,901
Huh?
416
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:30,336
Just go down and tell this guy you'll do anything
417
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:32,171
he wants, and that way he'll stop flattering Laura,
418
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:33,973
and she'll know you were right all along.
419
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:34,940
Oh, Buddy.
420
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,475
Hold it, Fred.
421
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:37,610
What?
422
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,245
You know, that's not a bad idea.
423
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:39,979
Yeah, it is.
424
00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:41,113
It's a good idea.
425
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:42,348
Took a minute to sink in.
426
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:43,582
That's a great idea.
427
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:46,385
What's the big surprise?
428
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:48,220
It's just that we never expect to hear anything good
429
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,055
come out of you, that's all.
430
00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:51,657
Next time you get a great idea like that, why
431
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:55,060
don't you put your hat on upside down so we know.
432
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:58,764
Isn't that funny?
433
00:14:58,864 --> 00:15:00,165
I never thought of that before.
434
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:01,667
I hate to go down and get involved with a teacher,
435
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:02,901
but if it'll save Laura the pain,
436
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:04,403
it's going to be worth it.
437
00:15:04,503 --> 00:15:05,971
I've still got time to meet her after class.
438
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:08,007
I'll just go tell them that I'm his.
439
00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:13,212
"And as the bullet ripped through his guts,
440
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:18,284
splattering blood all over the walls and ceiling,
441
00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:23,222
Johnny Moxie breathed his last rotten breath.
442
00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:26,992
Marion looked at the gaping hole in his ugly,
443
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:41,607
drunken body and said, 'Johnny Moxie, you stink..'"
444
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:45,778
Yes, well, uh, you, uh, you have a very vivid imagination,
445
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,279
Miss Brinda.
446
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:50,082
But I think novices, that is writers who are beginning,
447
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:52,785
should write about things they are familiar with.
448
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,387
I'm familiar with this.
449
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:56,322
You are?
450
00:15:56,422 --> 00:15:57,256
Oh, yes.
451
00:15:57,356 --> 00:15:59,692
My grandfather was a strikebreaker.
452
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,193
But that's horrible!
453
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,127
Not so.
454
00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:03,595
None of us liked him.
455
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:08,133
He was really a dirty old man.
456
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:13,472
Mr. Caldwell, Mr. Caldwell.
457
00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:14,440
Uh, Mrs. Helper.
458
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,375
Well, my paper shows what you mean.
459
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,977
I wrote about a character I know real well.
460
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:20,112
Fine.
461
00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:23,115
Why don't you read it to the class?
462
00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:24,516
Do I have to get up there and--
463
00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:26,685
Now, now, now, you can read from there.
464
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:28,287
Thank you.
465
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:32,691
My essay is entitled "Life With A Dentist Can Be Very Filling."
466
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:36,995
It's kind of a play on words.
467
00:16:37,096 --> 00:16:39,498
Yes, I, I understand, Mrs. Helper.
468
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:42,534
"At work, my husband is neat as a pin,
469
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:48,207
but at home he is sloppy, no matter how much I needle him."
470
00:16:48,307 --> 00:16:51,009
That's another play on words.
471
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,911
I know, I know.
472
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,646
Is it good to do that?
473
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,181
Uh, not too often, no.
474
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,986
I'll watch it.
475
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,389
"He's careful of his dentistry tools,
476
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:06,125
but at home he leaves the gardening tools out
477
00:17:06,225 --> 00:17:09,228
to rust through rain and sleet and snow."
478
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:12,698
Honestly, last year we bought a brand new lawn mower,
479
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:14,233
and in six months it was ruined.
480
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:15,701
He never oiled or anything.
481
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:17,169
He left it outside all the time.
482
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,338
Are you reading that?
483
00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:20,539
Oh.
484
00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:23,609
He's so sloppy.
485
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,912
"And at work, my husband is as busy as a beaver
486
00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:28,447
and never takes a break.
487
00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:32,017
But when he comes home, boy, does he take a break."
488
00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:35,020
He lies on the sofa and he never moves.
489
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,756
Last night I asked him to change one lightbulb
490
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,158
and you should've heard.
491
00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:40,626
Laura will tell you.
492
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,595
Getting that man to do anything is like pulling teeth.
493
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:44,596
Oh, that's kind of cute.
494
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:45,531
Pulling teeth.
495
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:48,066
It's another play on wo-- oh, no.
496
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,102
That'd be too much, wouldn't it?
497
00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:51,703
I'd better expunge that one.
498
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:55,140
Mrs. Helper, why don't you get these anecdotes down on paper,
499
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,742
and I'll read them later?
500
00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:59,011
At home.
501
00:17:59,111 --> 00:18:00,279
I'll have it for you tomorrow.
502
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:02,247
Oh, there's no hurry, I assure you.
503
00:18:02,347 --> 00:18:03,148
MILLIE: Thank you.
504
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:04,383
Farewell, class.
505
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:05,884
I'm going to dismiss you early tonight,
506
00:18:05,984 --> 00:18:08,454
and I want you to go home and work on your next essay
507
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,055
while it's still fresh in your mind.
508
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,458
So class dismissed.
509
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:13,992
Mrs. Helper, you know what would
510
00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:17,029
help that little essay about your husband and your home?
511
00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:18,097
What?
512
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:20,532
If you get more violence in it.
513
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:25,003
If your husband would murder one of his patients.
514
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:26,972
Thank you.
515
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:28,841
Well, uh, good night, all.
516
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,976
Good night.
517
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:33,278
You want to stop for an ice cream cone on the way home?
518
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:34,580
Oh, I'd love to.
519
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,348
I promised Jerry I'd come right home tonight.
520
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,617
Oh, uh, Mrs. Petrie, could you wait a moment?
521
00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:39,618
LAURA: Oh, certainly.
522
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:40,986
I'll see you later, teacher's pet.
523
00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:42,988
Bye.
524
00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:45,858
I, uh, hope I'm not keeping you from anything important.
525
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:46,758
No, no.
526
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,160
I have a few minutes.
527
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,229
Well, in that case, why don't you sit down, Laura.
528
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:52,097
Thank you.
529
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,199
Now, as you may know, you are my best pupil,
530
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,668
but I wanted to talk to you about the last paper
531
00:18:56,768 --> 00:18:57,669
you turned in.
532
00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,438
Oh, is there anything wrong with it?
533
00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:01,773
Well, as in all your work, it has some excellent moments,
534
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:03,375
excellent.
535
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:06,111
But this particular piece had one or two rather weak points.
536
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,780
Now, possibly the, uh, the romantic
537
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,250
angle that you gave it was too much for you to handle.
538
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:14,720
It is rather, uh, passionate.
539
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,521
Is that bad?
540
00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:16,889
Oh, no, no, no, not at all.
541
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,323
Quite the contrary.
542
00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:20,692
But that is one of the reasons I didn't discuss it
543
00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:22,060
in front of the class.
544
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,464
Some of our less mature members might be disposed to giggle.
545
00:19:25,564 --> 00:19:27,032
Oh.
546
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:29,368
Now, you write about two lovers saying
547
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:30,969
goodbye at a railway station.
548
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:34,306
Why did you use the dialog form instead of the narrative?
549
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:36,909
Well, I just wanted to try my hand at dialog.
550
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,877
And you did very well, very well
551
00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:40,412
indeed for the woman's speeches.
552
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:43,782
But, uh, the man's dialogue sounded like a cowboy saying
553
00:19:43,882 --> 00:19:46,118
goodbye to his horse.
554
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:48,954
Well, I guess that's because I'm a woman.
555
00:19:49,054 --> 00:19:51,757
Yes, you are.
556
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:55,494
But a writer must deal with all sorts of characters,
557
00:19:55,594 --> 00:20:00,432
young, old, male, female.
558
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:01,833
Now, uh, where were we there?
559
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,402
What about bringing that little bit where they were
560
00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:04,836
in the waiting room talking.
561
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,705
Now, where is that? - Oh, that's here near the end.
562
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:07,439
Yes.
563
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:08,540
Now, well, read that.
564
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,542
Read that.
565
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:13,979
"Mildred looked into his eyes and said, 'I feel
566
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:15,814
that I've always known you.'
567
00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:20,619
Bill held her closer and said, 'I feel the same, Mildred.'"
568
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:23,322
Hmm.
569
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,791
"I feel the same, Mildred."
570
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:29,928
Yes, that says it, but in such an unromantic way.
571
00:20:30,028 --> 00:20:33,532
Surely if this man was so moved by this beautiful girl,
572
00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:36,401
he'd look deep into her eyes and say something like,
573
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:39,371
since the moment I first met you I've been deeply disturbed,
574
00:20:39,471 --> 00:20:42,007
and today I discovered the reason why.
575
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:44,443
I want you to be mine, and I hope
576
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:46,411
you feel the same way, Laura.
577
00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:47,479
Uh, no, that's Mildred.
578
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,214
Ah, Mildred, Suzy, Fred!
579
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,783
What's in name?
580
00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:54,186
The important thing is understanding how
581
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:56,254
the man feels about a woman.
582
00:20:56,355 --> 00:21:00,058
Do you understand how he feels?
583
00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:01,593
I think not.
584
00:21:01,693 --> 00:21:06,999
If you did, you, you couldn't write this.
585
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:10,802
Or this.
586
00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:15,407
Or, uh, this.
587
00:21:15,507 --> 00:21:17,309
I, uh, think I'd better be going.
588
00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:19,011
Now, now, now, I won't let you go.
589
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,178
You won't?
590
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:21,446
Not until I'm sure you understand
591
00:21:21,546 --> 00:21:22,547
what's wrong with that dialog.
592
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:23,949
It's very amateurish.
593
00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:25,851
Well, you see, it's, it's the first time that I've
594
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,052
ever attempted anything--
595
00:21:27,152 --> 00:21:28,453
Please, you mustn't be offended.
596
00:21:28,553 --> 00:21:31,256
After all, I, I must criticize for you to learn.
597
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:34,493
Of course you must.
598
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:37,496
Some of the dialog really is a little icky.
599
00:21:37,596 --> 00:21:38,930
Where do you think it could be changed?
600
00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:42,401
Well, now why don't you read from here and just, uh,
601
00:21:42,501 --> 00:21:44,336
ad lib anything you think would be
602
00:21:44,436 --> 00:21:45,804
more natural in the situation?
603
00:21:45,904 --> 00:21:48,306
The ear is the best writer of all, you know.
604
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:51,777
And I'll try and ad lib what the man would say.
605
00:21:51,877 --> 00:21:53,612
All right.
606
00:21:53,712 --> 00:21:56,281
I've never felt this way before.
607
00:21:56,381 --> 00:21:59,151
I thought I had, but it was never like this.
608
00:21:59,251 --> 00:22:00,052
Oh, yes.
609
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,420
I see what you mean.
610
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:02,421
It's wrong.
611
00:22:02,521 --> 00:22:03,488
But I don't care.
612
00:22:03,588 --> 00:22:04,956
But I want you to care.
613
00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:06,124
I want you to care about me.
614
00:22:06,224 --> 00:22:07,259
I want you to think about me!
615
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:08,527
About nothing else but me!
616
00:22:08,627 --> 00:22:09,995
Say that you will, Laura!
617
00:22:10,095 --> 00:22:10,962
You mean Mildred.
618
00:22:11,063 --> 00:22:11,997
I mean Laura!
619
00:22:12,097 --> 00:22:13,265
Oh, Mr. Caldwell!
620
00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:14,633
I'm a married woman!
621
00:22:14,733 --> 00:22:16,568
Well, I'm not, and we're here alone together!
622
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:18,537
Oh, I wish I'd taken animal husbandry!
623
00:22:18,637 --> 00:22:19,971
Oh, Laura, you're beautiful!
624
00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:21,973
I've been teaching now for 18 years and nothing
625
00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:24,843
like this has ever happened to me before, I swear it!
626
00:22:24,943 --> 00:22:27,446
I've been madly, passionately in love with you since the moment
627
00:22:27,546 --> 00:22:29,348
I saw you at registration and you
628
00:22:29,448 --> 00:22:31,950
put your tiny little pink card into my hand.
629
00:22:32,050 --> 00:22:33,518
Oh, Rob was right!
630
00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:35,887
You, you did have an ulterior motive!
631
00:22:35,987 --> 00:22:36,955
Of course he was right!
632
00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:38,323
You're abso-- who's Rob?
633
00:22:38,423 --> 00:22:39,358
My husband!
634
00:22:39,458 --> 00:22:40,792
Your your hus--
635
00:22:40,892 --> 00:22:42,127
He just didn't know how ulterior your motives were!
636
00:22:42,227 --> 00:22:43,128
Well, how could he know?
637
00:22:43,228 --> 00:22:44,162
I didn't know myself till--
638
00:22:44,262 --> 00:22:45,764
I mean, I never dreamed--
639
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:46,465
Oh, Rob!
640
00:22:46,565 --> 00:22:47,399
Hi, darling.
641
00:22:47,499 --> 00:22:48,633
Hi, darling.
642
00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:50,869
Oh, Mr. Caldwell, I'm Laura's husband.
643
00:22:50,969 --> 00:22:52,237
Oh!
644
00:22:52,337 --> 00:22:54,039
I'd like to explain to you--
645
00:22:54,139 --> 00:22:55,507
Listen, don't try to explain.
646
00:22:55,607 --> 00:22:57,008
Look, I know what you've been trying to do with Laura.
647
00:22:57,109 --> 00:22:59,077
I just came down to tell you it's all right with me.
648
00:22:59,177 --> 00:23:00,078
Rob!
649
00:23:04,483 --> 00:23:07,352
Darling, you don't know what you're saying.
650
00:23:07,452 --> 00:23:08,553
Yes, I do, honey.
651
00:23:08,653 --> 00:23:09,921
Look, it's better than fighting.
652
00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:11,490
Oh no!
653
00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:13,058
Look, just stop beating around.
654
00:23:13,158 --> 00:23:15,026
Come right out and ask me and I'll say yes.
655
00:23:15,127 --> 00:23:16,428
- Oh! - You will?
656
00:23:16,528 --> 00:23:18,163
Sure, you just name the night, and I'll be here.
657
00:23:18,263 --> 00:23:19,097
Rob!
658
00:23:19,197 --> 00:23:20,499
I'd like to leave now!
659
00:23:20,599 --> 00:23:21,933
Wait a minute, honey, I want to tell Mr. Caldwell.
660
00:23:22,033 --> 00:23:23,068
Rob, I want to go now!
661
00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:24,002
Well, OK.
662
00:23:24,102 --> 00:23:25,036
Uh, nice meeting you.
663
00:23:25,137 --> 00:23:26,705
I'll be in touch.
664
00:23:26,805 --> 00:23:29,274
Bye.
665
00:23:29,374 --> 00:23:30,976
Extraordinary thing.
666
00:23:39,117 --> 00:23:40,418
I-- you--
667
00:23:40,519 --> 00:23:50,896
w-why, you-- I'm not kidding.
668
00:24:02,674 --> 00:24:05,410
And another thing, you can forget about me
669
00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:06,678
coming down here to lecture.
670
00:24:11,683 --> 00:24:14,820
--But he actually used my own words
671
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,421
and dialog to make his pitch.
672
00:24:16,521 --> 00:24:17,989
Well, how'd he do that?
673
00:24:18,089 --> 00:24:20,826
Well, he had me read my paper and he improvised his part.
674
00:24:20,926 --> 00:24:22,360
You know, I should have pasted that rat,
675
00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:25,964
but he's a schoolteacher and they're underpaid, you know.
676
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:32,470
But can you imagine a man who was hired to teach housewives
677
00:24:32,571 --> 00:24:35,307
creative writing has the nerve to come right out
678
00:24:35,407 --> 00:24:37,542
and flirt shamelessly?
679
00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:38,743
It's shocking.
680
00:24:41,913 --> 00:24:43,248
Where are you going, Sal?
681
00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:45,317
To see if there's an opening in that rat's class.
682
00:24:45,417 --> 00:24:46,885
What's the matter with you?
683
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:49,254
Sit down.
684
00:24:49,354 --> 00:24:54,125
[music playing]
48632
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