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[theme music]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hey, fellas.
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What?
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What this sketch needs is a funny entrance for Alan.
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- Funny entrance? - Yeah.
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How about a door with a sign on it that says, ha-ha?
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Hey, how about Alan comes into the saloon
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with his guns blazing?
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What's funny about that?
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They're still in the holster.
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I got it! I got the joke.
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You ready?
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Alan comes in carrying a Colt 45.
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A gun?
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No, a middle-age horse.
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Hey, what if Alan comes in the saloon--
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he comes in the saloon.
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He says, bartender, give me a whiskey and ginger ale.
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Thanks.
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Oh, I'm sorry, fellow.
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Give me another one.
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[gasps]
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[coughs]
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Now give me the whiskey.
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BUDDY: Beautiful!
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Hey, that's good.
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Let's get that down on paper.
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Rob! Rob!
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Oh, this is urgent.
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I'm glad I caught you before we went to lunch.
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I-- what's the matter with It?
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I hate to say this, Mel, but I think you're losing your skin.
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Maybe it's the molting season.
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What's urgent today, Mel?
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Newstime Magazine is going to do a cover story of Alan.
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And as his writers, they want to know what you think of him.
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Oh, they can't print that in the family magazine.
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Well, you can say anything you want,
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as long as you bear in mind that your contracts
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are coming up for renewal.
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Well, Mel, we can't go any interviews this week.
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We're way, way behind.
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Well, now, a Newstime cover story
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is very important to Alan.
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Now, I want you to take the reporter to lunch.
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Hey, Mel, if this reporter's my type, I'll buy the lunch.
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Tall?
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Tall.
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Good looking?
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Good looking.
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Single?
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I think she's single.
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[groans]
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Now, Rob, I hoped that you would
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escort Miss Moseby to lunch.
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Well, why me?
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Well, it's been my experience that interviewers
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are more receptive when handled with charm.
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What do you know about charm?
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You got all the charm of a sticky doorknob.
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Rob, remember, now, this is a very important story.
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We want it accurate and complimentary.
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Well, now, what do you want, Mel, accuracy or complimentary?
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You can't have both.
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Well, I don't mind going, except that Laura's downtown
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today.
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I promised to take her to lunch.
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Well, no problem.
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Just meet Miss Moseby a half hour earlier.
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Laura can join you.
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And Alan will pick up the check.
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Well, why can't Buddy go?
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Yeah. Why can't Buddy go?
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No, Buddy can't go.
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You go, Rob, because you're the only one
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that'll mention there are two other writers on the show.
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Yeah, I guess it sounds better if Rob
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says all those wonderful things about me.
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It's an interview, not a fantasy.
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Oh, Rob, remember you're to discuss Alan and his talent,
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not Buddy Sorrell and his lack of it.
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Well, I know what's wrong with you.
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Your hair didn't fall out.
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It fell in and clogged your brain.
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[yells]
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He's so touchy.
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Well, Rob, I guess it's up to you
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to have lunch with Miss Newstime.
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Yeah, here.
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Use my credit card.
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Well, you can use mine.
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Wait a minute.
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Alan's picking up the check.
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We don't want you to pay for it, just want to make
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sure you spell our names right.
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Buddy Sorrell with two Ls.
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Yeah, and don't forget, there's no D in Rogers.
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You kidding?
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You think I'd forget you guys' names?
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Sure.
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You know something?
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I could feel very hurt by this.
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Just because it's a big national publication,
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you guys are intimating I'd forget my good friends' names.
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Oh, well, now, wait a minute, Rob.
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We were only kidding. We're sorry.
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It's all right.
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Just don't worry about it.
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Bye, Betty.
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Bye, George.
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Bye, George.
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Bye, Betty.
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No, Miss Moseby.
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I didn't discover Alan Brady.
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He discovered me.
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He loved to encourage new talent, always.
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As a matter of fact, he saw my show
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I wrote locally in Illinois and thought maybe I
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could help him write his show.
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Oh, his show is already on the air?
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Oh, yeah.
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As a matter of fact, he had two great writers already.
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He had Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers.
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That's two Ls in Sorrell and no D in Rogers.
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Yes, you've already told me that.
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Rob, there's been so much written about Alan Brady.
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And, well, I'm looking for a new angle.
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You mean something like what's he really like?
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Yes.
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I'm trying to find out what makes him tick.
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Oh, well, you write a bad joke, he gets a terrible tic,
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you know?
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Oh, you mean--
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you mean he's highly nervous?
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No, I'm just joking.
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He's a wonderful guy.
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Oh.
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Rob, I've done some research.
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Is it just coincidence that the popularity
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of the Alan Brady show rose when you
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joined the show as a writer?
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Oh no, you don't.
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I beg your pardon?
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You're looking for one of those man
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behind the man angles.
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I don't want to get involved in an article like that.
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Well, then how did you become the head writer?
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I don't know.
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I guess I'm just the tallest one.
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No, but really, the three of us are a team.
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I'd like that understood.
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Understood.
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Are you trying to make my job just a little bit difficult?
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No, I'm trying to make my job just a little bit safer.
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Oh, here comes my wife.
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Hi, honey.
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Hi.
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Oh, I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long, darling.
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You just wouldn't believe the traffic on the Parkway.
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It was bumper to bumper the whole time.
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Honey, I'd like you to meet Miss Diane Moseby.
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How do you do?
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Miss Moseby is a reporter with Newstime Magazine.
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Oh!
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Well, how are you?
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Newstime?
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And you're doing an article about Rob?
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Whoa, honey.
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No, she's just getting material on Alan Brady.
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They're going to do a cover story on him.
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Oh.
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Oh, and you're interviewing the man behind the man.
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Well, I've been trying to, Mrs. Petrie.
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Oh, please, call me Laura.
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Oh, if you call me Diane.
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All right.
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Tell me, Laura.
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Is this man of yours as modest as he seems?
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He's modest-er.
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Oh, honey.
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Well, it's true.
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Don't modest men make you just want to scream?
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They frustrate me.
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Maybe you can help me break him down.
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Oh, I'd love to.
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Now, Rob, exactly how is the show written?
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Well, as I was saying, it's a collaboration
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in every sense of the word.
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Buddy and Sally-- that's Buddy and Sally--
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Well, who does what?
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Well, we-- everything.
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We throw lines and jokes back and forth all day long.
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As a matter of fact, when the scripts finish,
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you don't know who wrote what.
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Oh, no, no.
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I can always tell what Rob wrote.
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She cannot.
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Oh, I can too.
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I can give you seven lines from last week's--
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Honey, would you like a little something to eat?
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No, later. Thank you, dear.
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But does Alan Brady contribute anything to the script?
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Oh my, yes.
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He's very creative.
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One of-- the biggest contributor.
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Yeah, he signs Rob's checks every week.
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That would prejudice you just a bit now, wouldn't it?
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No, seriously, Miss Moseby, even
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at the first reading of the script,
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Alan has so many routines.
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Yeah, but some of those routines
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are the ones that Rob performed when he was in the Army.
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Oh, is that true? LAURA: Yes.
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ROB: No, it's only partly true.
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Honey, would you like a roll?
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Thank you, dear.
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It seems--
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Here, let me butter it for you, honey.
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Rob, why are comedians so reluctant to give
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credit to their writers?
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Well, Miss Moseby, you have to realize that a comedian
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is like a bullfighter.
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You know, when he faces an audience,
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it's a real moment of truth, you know?
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And if they don't like the jokes, they blame him.
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They don't blame the writers.
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Would they really bail on your show?
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Well, I think we're just lucky.
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Lucky?
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Alan Brady is the lucky one if you ask me.
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Honey, we didn't ask you.
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And I would like to remind you that Alan
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Brady is paying for this lunch.
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Really?
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Oh, why did you say really?
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Is he cheap?
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- He's not cheap. - Oh.
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No, no.
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I didn't mean he was cheap.
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Well, is it irritating to have Alan Brady
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get all the glory and applause?
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No, no, absolutely not.
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As a matter of fact, Alan Brady is such a great entertainer,
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he makes the material look that much better.
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I can tell you that the first time I saw him perform
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my material on the first show I wrote,
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it was the biggest thrill of my life.
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And that's the truth. - Yeah.
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And apparently, the critics recognized
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it was Rob's talent that did it, because they gave
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the show unqualified raves.
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They said they liked it.
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They loved it!
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In fact, I have the review right here.
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Are you still carrying that thing?
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I had it plasticized.
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Last night, veteran TV viewers were surprised and delighted--
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May I take your order, sir?
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Yes, waiter.
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Would you get this lady a separate table?
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--how, at the end of the show, Alan Brady
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comes out sits on a swing with his
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guest stars and drinks a soda?
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Oh yeah.
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That was Buddy and Sally's idea.
269
00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:50,763
Well, I've never been too fond of that part of the show.
270
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:53,232
Well, this has been a most fruitful lunch.
271
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:54,433
I had fruit for lunch.
272
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,735
[laughs]
273
00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:57,436
He says things like that all the time.
274
00:08:57,536 --> 00:08:58,337
I do not.
275
00:08:58,437 --> 00:08:59,605
Yes, you do.
276
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,274
Well, thank you for a very lovely lunch.
277
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,475
Where are you going?
278
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:03,809
Oh, I have to get back to my office.
279
00:09:03,910 --> 00:09:05,578
Well, but what about my rebuttal?
280
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:06,746
Oh, there's no need for that.
281
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,214
I have quite enough material here
282
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:09,615
for an enlightening article.
283
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,183
About whom?
284
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:12,251
Mr. Brady.
285
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:13,552
Good night, all. - Good night.
286
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:14,487
Good night.
287
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,689
Good night.
288
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:18,591
Oh, Rob, wasn't that exciting?
289
00:09:18,691 --> 00:09:20,192
It was embarrassing.
290
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,394
Oh, Rob.
291
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,296
Did you hear what she said about me?
292
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,197
Behind every great man--
293
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,099
--is a woman with a big mouth.
294
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,371
[inaudible]
295
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:33,339
No thanks.
296
00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:35,675
I just had my shoes shine.
297
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:36,609
Good morning, Buddy.
298
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,377
Good morning, Sally.
299
00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:39,912
Those who feel good in the morning
300
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:41,580
should have the courtesy not to impose
301
00:09:41,681 --> 00:09:43,883
it upon those who do not.
302
00:09:43,983 --> 00:09:45,685
Doesn't anybody know what day this?
303
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:47,019
It's Wednesday.
304
00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:47,853
Wednesday?
305
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:50,256
We had one of those last week.
306
00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:52,458
But this is not like any other Wednesday.
307
00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:53,759
Look. BUDDY: Hey.
308
00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:54,927
SALLY: Hey, it's out.
309
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,195
Alan Brady is a clown. BUDDY: Yeah.
310
00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:57,763
That's right.
311
00:09:57,863 --> 00:09:59,532
Our noble employer has taken his place alongside Khrushchev
312
00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:00,566
and Castro.
313
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,501
And all those other dictators.
314
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,136
Hey, what about the article, Rob?
315
00:10:04,236 --> 00:10:05,071
Can he sue?
316
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,172
I don't think so.
317
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,607
From what I read coming up on the elevator,
318
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:08,841
he's a smash, thank goodness.
319
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,409
Why thank goodness?
320
00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:12,278
I thought it might come out a little differently than that.
321
00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:13,613
Oh.
322
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:14,714
If it's all as good as this first paragraph--
323
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:16,282
it's right here. - OK, read it.
324
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:17,216
Here it is.
325
00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:18,451
Good morning, staff.
326
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:19,652
Good morning, stiff.
327
00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:24,991
Have you seen the current issue of News--
328
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,692
oh, I see you have it already. - Yeah.
329
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:27,693
How did Alan like it?
330
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,829
He's delirious about it.
331
00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:31,330
When you get a moment, Alan would
332
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:32,531
like to see you in his office.
333
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,100
Not where I'd like to see you.
334
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,636
I'm gonna go in there right now, because why should he sit
335
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:38,104
on all that pent-up gratitude?
336
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:42,108
[music playing]
337
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,646
[knocking on door]
338
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:49,849
Oh, come in.
339
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:51,183
Good morning, Alan.
340
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:52,385
Morning, Rob.
341
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,253
Have you seen the magazine yet, read the article?
342
00:10:54,353 --> 00:10:55,187
I haven't read it yet.
343
00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:56,389
I hear it is just great.
344
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,558
Yes, it's just wonderful.
345
00:10:59,658 --> 00:11:03,129
What are you going to do, light my pencil?
346
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,597
I thought you were going to smoke--
347
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,098
I'll let you know when I'm going to smoke.
348
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:07,733
Blow it out.
349
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,568
You haven't read it yet, huh? - No, I haven't.
350
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,803
Well, why don't you read it out loud?
351
00:11:10,903 --> 00:11:11,937
What, you want me to read it?
352
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,406
Yeah, let's all enjoy it together.
353
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,340
Yeah, let's all enjoy--
354
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,241
Shut up, Mel.
355
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,542
Yes, sir.
356
00:11:16,642 --> 00:11:17,443
ALAN: Read it, Rob.
357
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:18,911
ROB: OK.
358
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:21,147
For all the hootin', rootin', tootin' of TV's doctors,
359
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,282
and lawyers, and Indian chiefs, the brightest star
360
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:26,152
on the living room screen is that master confectioner
361
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,788
of comedic fluff, Alan Brady, the top funny
362
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:30,289
man in the business today.
363
00:11:30,389 --> 00:11:31,390
They call it the real me.
364
00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:33,426
I always said you were the top comedian, Alan.
365
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,326
Shut up, Mel.
366
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,761
Yes, sir.
367
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,063
Go on, Rob. Read, read.
368
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:38,397
OK.
369
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:41,400
Brady's climb up the TV ladder was cautious and constant.
370
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,969
And he managed to retain his natural humility.
371
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,271
That's true, Alan. - Yes.
372
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,705
You haven't read the rest of the article yet.
373
00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:48,507
- No, I haven't. - Well, go ahead.
374
00:11:48,607 --> 00:11:49,375
Read it. - Shut up, Mel.
375
00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:50,309
Yes, sir.
376
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,911
Go on. read it.
377
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:53,579
I think you'll be particularly interested in this next little
378
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:54,780
section that's coming up. Go on.
379
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:55,681
Read it, read it, Rob.
380
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,249
Read it, read it.
381
00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,118
The chief architect of the merry mimic's mansion of mirth
382
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:03,189
is unheralded head writer, hardworking--
383
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,790
Now, speak up, Rob. I can't hear you.
384
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:05,991
What was that?
385
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,560
--hardworking, good-looking Rob Petrie.
386
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:08,461
ALAN: Good-looking who?
387
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,595
Uh, Rob Petrie.
388
00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:10,563
Rob Petrie. Go on.
389
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:11,530
Go on. Read.
390
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:12,965
Read.
391
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,333
- Well, it just goes on and on. - Yeah, I like hear.
392
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:15,134
Go on. Go on.
393
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:15,734
Go on. Read.
394
00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:16,569
Read. Read.
395
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:17,937
What does it say?
396
00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:20,940
Petrie is truly the genius behind the genius.
397
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,541
Petrie is the what behind the what?
398
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:23,776
The genius behind the--
399
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:25,778
The genius behind the genius, yes.
400
00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:26,712
Very nice.
401
00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:28,013
Continue on, Rob.
402
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:31,851
The swift satirical sword belongs to him.
403
00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:34,487
Brady merely wields it.
404
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,788
Isn't that something?
405
00:12:35,888 --> 00:12:37,123
What do you think of that, Rob?
406
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:38,224
Isn't that nice?
407
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:39,692
You'd think I wrote it myself, wouldn't you?
408
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:41,293
Yeah, I thought so when I read it.
409
00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:43,762
It goes on to say that I was practically a bum
410
00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:45,064
before you came to work for me.
411
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,365
I don't know how they got that impression.
412
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:48,667
Neither do I. You know how many times your name
413
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:50,002
is mentioned in my article? - No, how many?
414
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,303
- 11. - 11 times?
415
00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:53,405
You know how many times my name is mentioned?
416
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,440
- No. - Ha-ha!
417
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,841
- Uh, seven. - Yeah, seven.
418
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:57,443
7-11. That's lucky.
419
00:12:57,543 --> 00:13:00,112
Not for you, it isn't.
420
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:02,515
You know how many times Buddy and Sally are mentioned?
421
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,885
They're mentioned as Buddy Rogers and Sally Sorrell,
422
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:07,953
your frolicsome fellow workers.
423
00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:09,622
Oh, Buddy-- they mixed up the names.
424
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,190
- Yeah. - They left mine out completely.
425
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:12,124
Shut up, Mel.
426
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:12,925
Yes, sir.
427
00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:14,059
Rob, tell me something.
428
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,561
Are you paying for a press agent?
429
00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:17,096
No, no.
430
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:18,364
As a matter of fact, I was having lunch with a reporter,
431
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:19,865
Alan, and Laura joined us.
432
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:20,900
Your wife joined you?
433
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,334
Now, whose stupid idea was that?
434
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:23,636
Well, as a matter of fact, we had an appointment.
435
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:24,703
They said it would be all right.
436
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:25,638
Who, they said?
437
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:26,572
Who-- who they?
438
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:27,740
I-- I they.
439
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:32,611
Mel, you have done it again.
440
00:13:32,711 --> 00:13:35,381
It wasn't Mel's fault. Every time I
441
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:38,417
said something about you, Laura would say something about me.
442
00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:41,120
Next time, I'll talk about me and let Laura talk about you.
443
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:42,721
What next time are you talking about?
444
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:44,390
There's not gonna be any next time, Rob.
445
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:45,357
Now, get out of here!
446
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:46,425
How far out is--
447
00:13:46,525 --> 00:13:48,194
From now on, go to your office until I
448
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:51,197
tell you whether my satirical sword needs any sharpening.
449
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:52,831
And next time you talk to a reporter,
450
00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:54,300
will try to work my name in?
451
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,935
Even if you have to force it into the conversation.
452
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,436
I certainly will.
453
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:58,771
And tell your wife to eat at home next time, will you?
454
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:00,406
- I will. - Yes, very nice.
455
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,707
Yeah.
456
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:02,741
Where are you going, Mel?
457
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:03,976
I was just going to my office.
458
00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:04,910
I'm not finished yelling at you yet.
459
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,345
Get back here!
460
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:08,981
What in heaven's name do you mean, how did I go to--
461
00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:10,282
And it's the time I want this to happen.
462
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:11,917
Now, go out and get me some lunch.
463
00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:13,152
MEL: Yes, sir.
464
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:23,462
Hi, there.
465
00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:24,496
You remember us?
466
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,032
Betty and George.
467
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:28,968
Look, you guys, I'd like to explain about that article.
468
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:30,169
Oh, what's to explain?
469
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:33,105
It's all down here in black and blue.
470
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:34,406
It's a little extra publicity.
471
00:14:34,506 --> 00:14:35,341
So what?
472
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:36,275
Yeah.
473
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,776
Besides, we're past that article.
474
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,045
We're already up to science and medicine.
475
00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:42,047
See if some guy can come up with a cure
476
00:14:42,147 --> 00:14:45,417
for a stab in the back.
477
00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,052
You're not gonna let me explain, are you?
478
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:48,387
What's to explain?
479
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:49,855
Already, eight million readers know that we're
480
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,724
your frolicsome fellow workers.
481
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:55,728
Listen, I feel honored to be a frolicsome fellow worker.
482
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:56,996
If I mentioned your names once,
483
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,631
I mentioned them 20 times.
484
00:14:58,731 --> 00:14:59,565
Yeah, I believe that.
485
00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:00,733
You do?
486
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:01,867
Yeah, he mentioned our names once.
487
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,269
I never said any of those things.
488
00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:05,671
And I got a notion to sue that magazine for libel.
489
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:06,906
Yeah, for what?
490
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,340
The nastiest thing they said about you
491
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,710
is that you are charming and tall.
492
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:12,778
Hey, frolicsome.
493
00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:16,115
What is it, fellow worker?
494
00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:17,483
You want to get back to the sketch?
495
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:18,817
Yeah.
496
00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:21,620
Here, send this to some of your school chumps in Danville.
497
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:22,921
Uh, let's see now.
498
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:24,590
Alan's in the dentist's office, right?
499
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,025
Yeah, that's right.
500
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,093
Hey, Alan plays the part of a wealthy Texas oil man.
501
00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:29,828
And the dentist says, which tooth hurts you?
502
00:15:29,928 --> 00:15:31,430
He says, drill anyplace, doc.
503
00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:34,533
I feel lucky today.
504
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:35,567
Hey, that's very good.
505
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:36,769
That's a wonderful joke, Buddy.
506
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:37,903
Oh?
507
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:38,904
Well, would you mind signing this?
508
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,239
What for?
509
00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:41,674
It's a receipt for the joke, in case anybody
510
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,142
asks me what I do around here.
511
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,544
Oh, Buddy, making him sign a receipt.
512
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:46,512
I think that's terrible.
513
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:47,846
Thanks, Sal.
514
00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:50,816
Anything we write, we'll just type our initials to it.
515
00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:54,386
[music playing]
516
00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:57,523
Oh, hi, darling.
517
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,258
Hi, honey.
518
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:01,694
Oh, Rob, isn't this exciting?
519
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,329
I take it you liked the article.
520
00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:05,130
I loved it!
521
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:08,100
Well, the phone hasn't stopped ringing all afternoon.
522
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,602
Rob, New Rochelle is proud of you.
523
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,937
Swell.
524
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:13,172
It's just too bad New Rochelle isn't the hub
525
00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:14,506
of the television industry.
526
00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:15,441
What do you mean?
527
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:16,742
Because downtown, they hate me.
528
00:16:16,842 --> 00:16:18,377
Well, why do they hate you?
529
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,112
Because my name was mentioned more times
530
00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:21,046
in the article than Alan's?
531
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,514
Oh, really?
532
00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:24,316
Oh, yeah, 11 times for me and seven times for Alan.
533
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:25,784
LAURA: Oh, I never noticed that.
534
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:27,386
Oh, he did.
535
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,288
Do you mean to tell me that he is
536
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,857
so small and petty that he counted how many
537
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:33,192
times his name was mentioned?
538
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:35,194
The bigger they are, the harder they count.
539
00:16:35,294 --> 00:16:36,128
Oh!
540
00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:38,430
Well, that is so petty?
541
00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:39,498
He isn't mad.
542
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:41,100
Well, listen.
543
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,668
Alan may be a little upset with you.
544
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:44,803
But down at the shopping center, they love you.
545
00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:45,704
Oh boy.
546
00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:46,739
That'll pay off someday.
547
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,906
Oh, it already did.
548
00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:49,475
It did.
549
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,744
They gave me the lamb chops they usually save for Gene Kerr.
550
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,145
Wonderful.
551
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:54,613
And Mr. Jacobs at the garage would
552
00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:56,715
like an autographed picture, please, to hang up.
553
00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:57,916
Oh, swell.
554
00:16:58,016 --> 00:16:59,017
I'll look great hanging in the middle
555
00:16:59,118 --> 00:17:02,087
of all those nude calendars.
556
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:03,956
Oh, Rob, I love this part here where they
557
00:17:04,056 --> 00:17:05,457
call you a satirical sword.
558
00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:08,060
I never thought of you as a satirical sword.
559
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,695
You know, neither did Buddy and Sally till I
560
00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:11,296
stabbed them in the back.
561
00:17:11,397 --> 00:17:12,765
You didn't stab them in the back.
562
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,899
Well, they think I did.
563
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,200
And they happen to be the stab-ees.
564
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,502
Well, why would they think that?
565
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:17,503
I don't know.
566
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:18,704
Maybe it's because their names aren't
567
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:20,172
mentioned in the article.
568
00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:22,141
Well, they certainly are too.
569
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,409
Look, right there.
570
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:26,245
Mm-hmm, Buddy Rogers and Sally Sorrell.
571
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,913
They mixed their names up.
572
00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:28,814
Gee, I didn't notice that.
573
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:30,215
They did.
574
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:31,417
Well, Rob, it's certainly not your fault, darling.
575
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:32,718
You tried to get Diane to--
576
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:33,819
No, it's not my fault.
577
00:17:33,919 --> 00:17:35,154
It's Diane Moseby's fault.
578
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,589
No, I don't think it's Diane Moseby's fault.
579
00:17:37,689 --> 00:17:41,860
Well, whose, then?
580
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,863
Oh, Rob!
581
00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:47,232
Are you saying it's my fault?
582
00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:48,734
Why would I do that?
583
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,569
I mean, all you did was go on and on about me
584
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:53,205
like I was a combination of Mark Twain and Leonard "Bern-steen."
585
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,707
"Bern-stein," and I did not!
586
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,877
I merely said the things about you that I sincerely believe.
587
00:17:58,977 --> 00:18:00,345
Now, is there anything wrong in a wife
588
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:02,081
being absolutely sincere?
589
00:18:02,181 --> 00:18:03,382
Obviously.
590
00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:04,883
Rob, these are the same things I've said
591
00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,218
behind your back for years.
592
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:08,420
Now, why shouldn't I say them to Diane Moseby?
593
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,023
Because she can print them in a national magazine.
594
00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:13,392
That's why.
595
00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:15,861
Well, I just don't understand why
596
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:17,896
you're being so angry with me.
597
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:19,731
You don't-- you don't understand--
598
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:22,134
you embarrass me within an inch of my job,
599
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:23,469
and you don't understand why?
600
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:25,037
Well, you could have stopped me, you know.
601
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:25,938
Oh, boy.
602
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:26,872
I tried.
603
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:28,540
Halfheartedly.
604
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:29,775
Halfheartedly?
605
00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:31,844
If you really wanted to shut me up, you could have,
606
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:32,778
and you know it.
607
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:34,112
How?
608
00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:37,349
You could have given me one of those looks.
609
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:38,684
What, you mean one of those?
610
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:39,985
Yes, that.
611
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:42,120
If you wanted to shut me up, you could have done that.
612
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,790
Well, why didn't you?
613
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:45,891
You want to know why?
614
00:18:45,991 --> 00:18:46,792
Yes.
615
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,260
I will tell you why.
616
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,795
Because even though I was embarrassed by everything
617
00:18:49,895 --> 00:18:52,364
you said, I sat there, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
618
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:54,266
I guess, down deep in my subconscious,
619
00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:55,667
I was in complete agreement with you.
620
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:56,602
That's why.
621
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:57,803
Then why are you shouting at me?
622
00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:58,737
I'm shouting at me.
623
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:01,807
You're just in the way.
624
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,108
Let me tell you this, Rob.
625
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:05,177
You happen to have a very smart subconscious,
626
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,045
because you are the best one, and I just
627
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,514
like to tell people you are.
628
00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:09,948
Honey, I want to tell you something.
629
00:19:10,048 --> 00:19:11,483
No matter how hard you and I try,
630
00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:13,352
we're not gonna be able to make a fight out of this.
631
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:14,820
- I don't think so. - That's right.
632
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,155
And you know why?
633
00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:17,856
Because you're the best one, and you know it.
634
00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:18,757
And so do I.
635
00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:19,791
Right.
636
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,797
Now, what am I gonna do to reestablish
637
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,733
contact with Buddy and Sally?
638
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,702
Rob, I don't know.
639
00:19:30,802 --> 00:19:32,504
Yes, I do know!
640
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,506
I'll write a letter to a Buddy and Sally.
641
00:19:34,606 --> 00:19:36,675
I'll tell them it was all my fault. It was, you know?
642
00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:38,210
You said it-- no.
643
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:39,444
No, no, no.
644
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:40,846
You write a letter to Buddy and Sally.
645
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:41,880
You're much better at writing things than I am.
646
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:43,448
No. No, no.
647
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:44,917
Write a letter to the editor of the magazine and explain it.
648
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:45,951
No, no.
649
00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:48,120
I'll write-- what are you doing?
650
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:52,324
I am writing a letter to you.
651
00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:56,762
It says, dear wife, shut up.
652
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,730
I will write the letter to the editor.
653
00:19:58,830 --> 00:19:59,665
OK.
654
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:03,435
[music playing]
655
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,756
Oh, I'll be right back.
656
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:26,258
Yeah, well.
657
00:20:28,694 --> 00:20:32,297
Hey, Buddy, maybe we're being a little too tough on Rob, huh?
658
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:33,232
Are you kidding?
659
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,266
After what he did?
660
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:36,034
Well, how do we know he did it?
661
00:20:36,134 --> 00:20:37,069
Oh, he did it.
662
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:39,104
Well, how can you be so sure?
663
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:43,041
Because if it was me, I'd have probably done the same thing.
664
00:20:43,141 --> 00:20:44,643
Well, thanks a lot, George.
665
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,979
From now on, I'll sit with my back to the wall.
666
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,380
Hey, look.
667
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,048
We were writing for Alan Brady long before anybody
668
00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:51,650
ever heard of Robert Petrie.
669
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,419
Yeah, but Alan wasn't getting anyplace until Rob came along.
670
00:20:54,519 --> 00:20:55,520
And neither were we.
671
00:20:55,621 --> 00:20:56,254
Yeah.
672
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:57,556
Well, neither was he.
673
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:58,890
[inaudible] jazz all over here.
674
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,492
[inaudible] keep things clean around this joint?
675
00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:02,194
Hey, Buddy, maybe--
676
00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:03,428
maybe he is a genius.
677
00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:05,297
Yeah, yeah, sure.
678
00:21:05,397 --> 00:21:07,833
Maybe we're all geniuses.
679
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:08,867
What is this?
680
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:11,236
Carbon paper.
681
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:12,371
Listen to this.
682
00:21:12,471 --> 00:21:15,140
To the editor, Newstime Magazine.
683
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,643
As a more than interested spectator,
684
00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:20,345
may I compliment you on the fine cover
685
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:22,514
job you did on Alan Brady?
686
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:23,849
Oh, you were right.
687
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,817
He's buttering them up for more publicity.
688
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:26,985
Yeah.
689
00:21:27,085 --> 00:21:29,454
I seem to have been appointed the custodian--
690
00:21:29,554 --> 00:21:32,557
--custodian for a good deal of the show's success.
691
00:21:32,658 --> 00:21:36,495
And I think it only fair to divide it up right now.
692
00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:37,863
Yeah. Most of the--
693
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:38,797
Most of the--
694
00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:40,565
Most of the--
695
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:41,400
Credit.
696
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,602
--credit-- thanks, Rob.
697
00:21:46,605 --> 00:21:50,242
Most of the credit should go to two--
698
00:21:50,342 --> 00:21:52,711
BOTH: --writers who started with Alan Brady
699
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:56,181
at the beginning, Sally Rogers and Buddy Sorrell.
700
00:21:56,281 --> 00:21:57,082
Two Ls.
701
00:21:57,182 --> 00:21:58,517
Yeah.
702
00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:01,753
And to the big man himself, a true creative comedian
703
00:22:01,853 --> 00:22:07,859
who inspires good writers to be better ones.
704
00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:09,428
OK, who first?
705
00:22:13,265 --> 00:22:14,966
I apologize, Rob.
706
00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:16,101
Ditto.
707
00:22:16,201 --> 00:22:17,769
You really didn't have to do it.
708
00:22:17,869 --> 00:22:20,906
Yes, he did.
709
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:22,307
I'm glad I did.
710
00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:23,608
You think that this letter will ever
711
00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:24,910
get into Newstime Magazine?
712
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,545
Even if they don't put it in the Letters
713
00:22:26,645 --> 00:22:28,346
to the Editors column, it's going to get it anyway.
714
00:22:28,447 --> 00:22:29,481
Well, how can you be so sure?
715
00:22:29,581 --> 00:22:30,649
Well, I just showed it to Alan,
716
00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:32,217
and he wants to take it out as an ad.
717
00:22:32,317 --> 00:22:33,485
You're kidding. You're kidding.
718
00:22:33,585 --> 00:22:34,553
Yeah, as an ad.
719
00:22:34,653 --> 00:22:36,755
You know how the ad's gonna read?
720
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,991
It's gonna say, Alan Brady thanks Rob Petrie--
721
00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:41,259
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
722
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,260
ROB: --and his two brilliant cowriters--
723
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,195
Yeah, yeah.
724
00:22:43,295 --> 00:22:44,096
--Betty and George.
725
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:45,163
Oh, come on.
726
00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:49,368
[knocking on door]
727
00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:50,535
ALAN: Come in.
728
00:22:50,635 --> 00:22:51,470
You want to see me, Alan?
729
00:22:51,570 --> 00:22:52,938
ALAN: Yeah, come in.
730
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:53,972
Oh, there you guys are.
731
00:22:54,072 --> 00:22:54,873
I wondered where you were.
732
00:22:54,973 --> 00:22:56,074
Yeah, we're here, Rob.
733
00:22:56,174 --> 00:22:57,309
Advance copy of Newstime.
734
00:22:57,409 --> 00:22:58,276
Oh, hey.
735
00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,144
Did they print my letter?
736
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:00,345
Yeah, it's all there.
737
00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:02,114
Read it. - Well, nobody has to read it.
738
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:03,648
Everybody knows what's in it.
739
00:23:03,749 --> 00:23:05,317
No, just read what it says after the little black dot.
740
00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:07,719
There's no little black dot in my letter.
741
00:23:07,819 --> 00:23:09,388
Well, that's the editor's note, Rob.
742
00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:10,288
Yes. read it, Rob.
743
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:11,223
Go ahead.
744
00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:12,557
Oh, the editor's note.
745
00:23:12,657 --> 00:23:14,960
We think Mr. Petrie doth protest too much
746
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:20,132
and merely confirms our original evaluation.
747
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:24,102
[laughter]
748
00:23:25,403 --> 00:23:30,242
His humility is just as big as his talent.
749
00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:34,279
One must sympathize with him for the pressures that must have
750
00:23:34,379 --> 00:23:36,681
forced him to write the letter.
751
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,486
Hey, you-- you know what I think probably happened?
752
00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:42,387
No, what happened, Rob?
753
00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:43,321
What, what?
754
00:23:43,421 --> 00:23:44,856
What happened?
755
00:23:44,956 --> 00:23:46,425
I think probably they thought the letter was too strong,
756
00:23:46,525 --> 00:23:47,325
you know?
757
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:48,860
Too strong?
758
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,896
That's why they figured that you forced me to write it.
759
00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:51,730
Yes.
760
00:23:51,830 --> 00:23:52,764
You know what I'm going to do?
761
00:23:52,864 --> 00:23:53,899
What are you going to do, do?
762
00:23:53,999 --> 00:23:55,367
- I'm going to my office. - Yeah?
763
00:23:55,467 --> 00:23:56,334
Write another letter.
764
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,269
- Another letter. - Good.
765
00:23:57,369 --> 00:23:58,203
And I'll explain what--
766
00:23:58,303 --> 00:23:59,204
Yeah, you will!
767
00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:06,978
[music playing]
768
00:24:10,916 --> 00:24:16,054
[theme music]
52788
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