All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E10

[music playing]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore

Give me some time to blow the man down.

As I was a-walking down Paradise Street.

Way, hey, blow the man down!

A pretty young damsel I chanced for to meet.

Give me some time to blow the man down.

Your husband has to work for a big television

star that owns a boat.

Well, thank goodness we only have

to go out on it once a year.

Jerry's going to be playing Navy all week.

- Coffee, everyone? - Oh, that'd be swell.

Yeah, coffee.

Boy, Jerry, you really did look like you knew

what you were doing out there.

When that thingamajig came loose,

you shimmied up the poll there and fixed it.

Rob you mean when the shoe came off the sail track

and I used a bosun's chair to go up the mack.

Listen to that salty talk.

You got to teach me some of that.

Rob, you know, for a guy who knows

something about everything, you know nothing about boats.

Well, when you're brought up in the Midwest,

it's a long walk to the beach, during Jerry.

Hey, Rob.

I prefer the beach.

Get back in the galley.

You know, Rob, I used to sail as a kid.

I want to tell you something, when

the sea gets in your blood, nothing

else in the world matters.

Oh, boy.

Another week of looking at him in that hat

reliving naval battles.

Why don't you get yourself a small snoop?

That's sloop.

Sloop.

Oh, Rob, I'd, I'd love to get one, but it's so expensive,

you know.

There's a lot of upkeep for the amount of use

I'd get out of it.

You know what I was thinking on the way back,

Jerry, wouldn't it be a good idea--

Forget it, darling.

A boat partnership never works.

99% of the time.

And what makes you think you and Jerry

will be in the lucky 1%?

Because I happen to know all of the pitfalls.

Oh, you do?

Don't forget, I've been writing sketches for years

about friends that have chipped in on summer

cottages, cars, boats, home freezers, everything.

Jerry knows a lot about boats.

I want a boat and he wants a boat.

A partnership like that could be just great.

Yeah, all we have to do is avoid all the pitfalls.

I agree with Laura.

You guys are going to wind up mad at each other,

and we're going to have to meet on the sly.

Yeah, it's got to happen, Rob.

You don't know the first thing about a boat.

That is just the point.

That's why this partnership is going to work.

Look, the only area of conflict is when there's

a difference of opinion, right?

I don't know the first thing about boats so I

don't have any opinion at all.

Jerry knows everything about boats.

See?

He could be the commodore and I'd be the first mate.

No, no, Rob.

I'll be the captain and you'll be the seaman.

1st class?

3rd.

Fellas, it took you a long time to build this friendship.

Don't kill it.

Oh, don't listen to her, Jerry.

Come on, what do you say?

It's not worth it.

Well, listen, Rob, if you're crazy about boats as I am,

it is.

You're going to wind up enemies.

Listen, Laura, Rob's complete lack of maritime knowledge

is a valuable stupidity.

You will learn to do things on the boat the right way.

My way.

Oh, boy, is there going to be a mutiny.

Come on, honey, it'll work out all right.

All right, all right, darling.

Let me say this.

If you and Jerry do decide to go ahead and get a boat,

I want you to know I'm not going to sit home and sulk.

I'll be a good wife and go down to the dock

and try the very best I can to blow it up.

All right, if you're that strongly opinionated about it,

I say we do the democratic thing right now.

We'll take a vote, OK?

All right, in case of a tie, the men will decide, right?

The kind of democracy that Thomas

Jefferson was talking about.

All right.

We're going to vote on a boat now.

We're going to vote.

All right.

All who are in favor of getting a boat, say aye.

Aye.

You said aye.

Wait a minute, why did you say aye?

Well, I just got to thinking--

Don't tell me.

I know.

Because you would like the great pleasure

of smiling sweetly at me and saying, I told you so,

wouldn't you? - Right

That's what I thought.

Only yesterday a patient of mine

was in the office who has a gaff rig yawl.

Ooh, that sounds painful.

Did you use Novocaine?

I know, it's a yawl.

I know what it is.

It's about 30 feet long.

[whistles] - Yeah.

Boy.

I guess we just forget about our new patio furniture.

Who needs a patio when you got a boat?

Jerry, when do we get to see it?

Well, I--

Shake her down, you know.

Hey, that's great, Rob.

You learn quickly.

I'll see if we can arrange it for next weekend.

Aye, aye, Captain.

I'm with you.

Port left and starboard right, or possibly vice versa.

Hey, Rob, I, I know you're only

kidding, but don't get in the habit

of touching a superior officer.

Aye, aye captain.

Oh, you are beautiful.

All ashore that's going ashore.

As I was a-walking down--

[humming]

Way, hey, blow the man down!

Hey, Rob.

Rob, I will start your bootcamp training tomorrow evening,

and I'll be over around six bells.

Aye, aye, captain.

Six bells, give or take a ding dong or too.

What time is that?

What time is it?

Well, listen, I'll tell you.

It's 7 o'clock, because at 12:30 you add a bell every half hour.

A bell every half hour?

Honey, you, you just don't care for the whole idea of this,

do you?

Rob, I just don't care for the idea of spending

every Sunday worrying whether or not you're going

to be caught in a hurricane.

Honey, we're not going to go out in a hurricane.

Besides, you're not going to be sitting

home alone because you're going to be with me.

It'll be fun.

I don't think so.

Why?

Well, because ever since I was a kid, I've hardly ever

had a good time while nauseous.

You were sick?

Yes.

I was.

When?

From the moment you told me we were going on Alan's boat.

Well, you sat there the whole afternoon and you smiled.

Well, behind those happy teeth was a very sad stomach.

ROB: Honey, I think it's just a matter of getting you sea legs.

Well, I'm not sure I want them.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, Rob, we'll probably never

see any of our other friends.

And what about that cross-country trip you

promised Ritchie this summer?

Honey, he'll have twice as much fun on a boat.

All right, all right, Rob.

If you insist on having a hobby that does not include me,

that canceled our patio furniture, that's

ruining a trip to the national parks,

if you don't mind going back on your promise

to let Ritchie spit in the Grand Canyon,

if you feel it's necessary to have a hobby that's going

to make you and Jerry mortal enemies, then go right ahead,

get your boat, and sail away.

And, uh, what will you do?

Oh, I'll be the same sweet, charming, adorable girl

I've always been.

But not to you.

That seems fair.

OK, now look, we're going to do some more Navy knots.

Yeah.

Now I'm going to show you a Spanish running noose.

Now you just watch closely.

I put this through here, you see?

And I make a long loop through here, and then what I--

Rob? Rob?

ROB: I'll be right out!

I'll be right out!

But, Rob, I'm trying to teach you something!

ROB: I want to show you something.

You were drafted in the army, right?

ROB: Yeah, that's right.

Boy, they sure knew what they were doing.

Rob.

Rob.

Did you buy it or were you commissioned?

Now, listen, Rob, you are not planning to wear

that on the boat, are you?

Alan Brady did.

Alan Brady?

Alan Brady has a 50-foot catch with a crew of three.

You're dressed better than Lord Nelson at Trafalgar.

Rob, Rob, take off that hat.

Look, Jerry, I just bought it to kid you, that's all.

Well, I'll tell you something, it's not funny.

Look, look, I'll, I'll, I'll change on the way.

You know, I just want to ride down in the car

and get in the mood for the sea, you know.

Hey, Jerry, if we get the boat, what do you want to name it?

Gee, I don't know.

I hadn't thought about it.

How about the Shangri-La?

The Shangri-La?

Why?

You know, kind of like my own personal paradise.

The Shangri-La.

Shangri-La?

No, no.

No, Rob, no Shangri-La.

The Challenger, that's it.

That's a man's name.

Come, Jerry, now, the Shangri-La.

Listen, I know that Challenger is a great--

will you listen to me? [whistle]

Pitfall.

Pitfall?

Let's not strain our friendship,

Jerry, before we even get on a boat.

You remember I've got a wife with an I told

you so hanging over my head.

Right, right.

The boat's got a name on it already, hasn't it?

Oh, sure it has.

Well, let's just leave it on there, then.

What is it? - The Betty Lou.

I'm sick.

Oh, Rob, listen, what's in a name?

The important thing about sailing is that you are whoever

and wherever you want to be.

Well, in that case, this outfit's

going to come in handy then, because whoever I am

or wherever I am, I like to dress nice.

Hey, will showing me the Spanish running noose again?

All right, Rob.

I'm going to show it to you once more,

but will you please pay attention?

Unless I have some more wardrobe to see.

No, this is it.

This is all I got.

All right, here we go.

We loop it through here like that, right?

The long end through there, and the short end

pulling it here with the long end.

All right, now look, you are the boat, huh?

I'm the boat.

This is the dock, right?

Now you yell cast off.

Cast off.

Boy, Jerry, you're making it look so easy.

Well, it is easy.

It's all right there in the book.

- I'll work on it some more. - OK, OK.

I got to go now. I'll see you.

OK.

Oh, Rob, listen, I'll be over early.

I'll pick you up at four bells.

OK, see you in the morning, my captain.

My crew.

I wish our wives could see us now.

Boy, this friendship ain't going to break up.

Never.

But remember, Rob, don't touch me on the boat.

You're beautiful!

[inaudible] line C. Right.

Now make a loop with line B like that,

and put line A through line B, making a double loop

with line A. Make a figure 8 with line B. Wait a minute,

figure 8?

That's a 9.

OK, now, to release, merely give a good yank.

Wait a minute, that's the boat.

That's the boat.

Pull the short line.

Cast off!

Close.

A knot like that could wreck the dock.

All right, port left, starboard right.

Don't [inaudible].

Don't jive.

Don't fall off the wind.

Don't blow up the [inaudible].

Avast there!

Don't jive!

And don't come around.

Having a smooth crossing, Captain?

Well!

Honey, I don't go bowling.

I don't play cards.

I don't collect stamps.

I-- I've just found something that I really love.

You love your jacket?

I like my jacket.

I, I love sailing.

How was the bridge game?

Honey, could you just for a minute

forget that you're my wife or that I'm your husband?

- Oh? - Wait, no.

Wait a minute.

Let me-- if you could just be impersonal,

if you could be objective about it just for a minute,

you would see that this whole thing, even though I am out

on that boat sailing and you are here home alone,

you are going to be getting the benefits

and the fun and pleasure from all of this.

Do you see that?

No.

Well, because I'll be happy.

Sailing's going to make me happy, honey.

And a person who is happy has an infinitely larger capacity

for love.

And who is going to be the recipient of all of that love?

Oh, boy.

That was rotten.

Nobody would buy that.

I wonder how many bells it is.

Cast off!

[crash]

This the beginning of my benefits?

Go back to sleep.

I was ju-- I was just fixing the towel rack.

[doorbell]

Honey, it's four bells.

Are you-- are you going to say goodbye?

Goodbye.

Laura, are you-- are you angry with me?

No.

Honey, if you don't want me to go, just say so.

I don't want you to go.

Honey, let me put it another way.

I'm going.

But I, I want to have the biggest time in my whole life.

Honey, you're not helping me.

Rob, what do you want?

I, I want you to say, smooth sailing and I, and I love you.

Smooth sailing and I love you.

I guess I'll have to make that do.

It's 8:30.

You'd think they'd call by 8:30.

I have visions of Rob clinging to a life preserver

in the middle of the ocean.

Maybe they-- maybe they had a fight.

If they did, they'd be home by now.

Jerry always pulls the sails down

before the sun starts to set.

Millie, the sun set hours ago.

That's why I think I want to worry.

Well, maybe we should do something.

Yeah, but what?

Well, like, uh, go down to the dock or call someone.

We could call the Coast Guard.

Yeah, I guess we could call--

What's the matter?

I can't call the Coast Guard.

Well, why not?

Well, because if Rob isn't in trouble,

he'd never forgive me for dragging them in.

Well, call them, but disguise your voice.

Millie.

No, but I won't tell them who I am.

Operator, would you get me the Coast Guard station, please?

Well, it's a possible emergency.

Thank you.

You know, they really should be home by now.

I know.

Hello, Coast Guard station.

My husband and a friend of his were sailing in your waters

today.

And, um, I was wondering if you had any information about them.

Well, um, I'd rather not give my name.

Oh.

Well, why don't you read me off a list of the people

you saved and then I'll tell you if he's on it?

You don't work that way.

You'd better tell them who we are.

Well, I hope you'll be discreet.

This is Mrs. Petrie and Mrs. Helper at 6369970.

You will call if you hear anything, won't you?

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Well-- thank you.

What did they say?

It's so rough and foggy even the Coast

Guard didn't go out today.

Oh, Millie, where are they?

Laura, listen, I'm sure they're all right.

Laura, I hope you're not going to cry.

I can't stand to see a woman cry.

I get so scared!

Then you'd better leave the room.

[phone ringing]

Ahh!

What is it? Is it Rob?

Is it Jerry? What is it?

What is it? What is it?

What is?

What is it?

I mean, what, what is it?

Yes?

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

We'll be right down.

The Coast Guard found them! - Where?

Oh, who cares!

They're bringing them into port now!

Well, are they alive?

I don't know, Millie!

Oh, ow!

Just make yourselves comfortable, fellas.

We called your wives and they're coming right over.

Thanks.

I think you'd better get out of those wet things.

Here's some blankets for you.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Uh, sailor, what's the matter with the lights?

There's power failure along the line.

They can't locate it.

Take off that hat.

Take off that jacket.

I am through taking orders from you, Captain Queeg.

Well, then, do yourself a favor and take it off.

It smells.

I don't know how sheep stand each other

during the rainy season.

Or how a little authority can turn a neighborhood

dentist into the Seawolf.

Yes.

While you were trying to tie a Spanish running noose,

I dived overboard to rescue those two girls.

Which wouldn't have been necessary if you

hadn't rammed their canoe.

Which I wouldn't have rammed if you'd been at your watch

on the bow.

Oh, bow, shmow, Jerry!

I was at the pointy end of the boat

where I was supposed to be.

It just so happened that I can't see in the dark.

They didn't have their backup lights on.

Yeah?

Well, for your information, canoes are not required

to have running lights!

Backup lights.

We wouldn't have been out there, lost in the dark,

if you'd gone home when I asked you.

It wouldn't have been that dark in the harbor

if you hadn't dragged our anger over that power cable.

I think I distinctly remember somebody

saying drop the anchor!

If you had dropped the anchor when I gave you

the command to drop the anchor then you

wouldn't have cut the cable!

You could give a command in English once instead

of all that nautical baloney.

Drop the anchor aboard the starboard [inaudible] the port.

Now listen, Mac, when you're aboard my ship--

Your ship, buster?

[sneeze]

Oh, boy, thank you.

For what?

For this cold.

I wouldn't have it if you didn't put me off the dock

and drag me through the water.

I dragged you through the water

and pulled you off the dock, huh?

I was waiting for one of your world famous commands

to let go of the rope.

You never told me to let go of the rope.

Now look, fella, the average dummy has enough sense

to let go of the line.

How am I supposed to know technical stuff like that?

Technical stuff?

Oh, Rob!

Oh, darling!

Oh, Rob!

Oh, Rob, why, you're soaking wet!

You're all right, and you mad at each other.

Oh.

Why are you mad at each other?

She said you'd be mad at each other.

Well, isn't it a shame you're all wet and smelly,

and you came for a day of fun.

Fun!

Fletcher Christian had more fun with Captain Bligh

than I did with him.

He couldn't be chief stewardess

on the good ship Lollipop.

You know what?

He didn't obey one order!

If Captain Kangaroo there had given an order in English,

we wouldn't have run the boat up on a sandbar.

Sandbar?

Well, I wouldn't have steered us onto the sandbar

if you hadn't said, let's go over there

and see the brown water.

Brown water.

[inaudible] anything about sailing--

Boys, boys!

Look, why don't we hold us until your tempers are cool

and you're dry and warm, hmm?

Yeah, after all, we're neighbors,

and our kids still play together.

It's silly to say things that you don't

mean in the heat of wetness.

You know I'm right, don't you?

Come on, admit it.

Yeah, Rob.

I'm sure Jerry didn't mean you couldn't be stewardess

on the good ship Lollipop.

Do you, Jerry?

He'd be a great stewardess.

Will you-- look, can we please just go home and I'll explain

everything to you in detail?

You be sure and tell her how you cut the cable.

Is it all right if I tell her how you

cut loose the channel marker?

Did you cut loose the channel marker?

Maybe, maybe.

We're not sure about that yet.

Come on.

Let's get out of here right now.

Come on. - Jerry.

Yeah?

Take off that hat.

Never!

Rob, they're having dinner with us, you know.

I don't care who's having dinner with us.

Look, I want you to say it right now.

Will you go ahead and say it, please?

- Say what, darling? - You know what.

No, darling, what?

You know what.

That you're smarter than I am.

That you said the Jerry and I would end up enemies, huh?

You go ahead and say it, I told you so, will you?

Rob, do you really think I'm that type?

Oh, yes.

Well, that just shows how very little you know about me.

Come on, darling.

I'll make you some hot chicken soup.

No, wait just a second. Just a second.

I am not going to go through the rest of my life

with an I told you so hanging over my head.

You say I told you so.

Rob, I will admit that nobody has a better right

to say it than I do, but I'm not going to stoop to such

an obvious feminine frailty.

And I told you so.

Oh, thank you.

Jerry, will you pass the salt?

Really?

Yeah.

Hey, you want some pepper too?

Ah, swell, Rob.

Well, Millie, it seems our fellas are land buddies.

Absolutely incompatible on the water.

I don't know if that's been proven that we're

incompatible on the water.

Not been proven?

No, we're incompatible in the water.

We haven't been on it yet.

Well, listen, now that we're all friends,

what do you say just to please the ladies that tomorrow

we go on a nice, dry picnic?

That's a wonderful idea, honey,

but let's do it next week.

Can you, uh, can you borrow Alan Brady's boat tomorrow?

What?

Jerry, you don't mean that?

Sure he does.

You're not going on a boat after what happened today?

Especially after what happened today.

Mm-hmm.

It's even more important that we get out on that boat tomorrow.

Why?

To find the boat we lost today.

[music playing]